Do You Wish You Could Go to Sleep and Never Wake Up?

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“If only I could go to sleep forever.”

“I want to die.”

“I wish I’d never been born.”

Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.

If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.

What is Suicidality?

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Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?

That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.

Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.

At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.

The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts

Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”

It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.

In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.

Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.

So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.

How to Get Help

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Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone. 

The resources that I list on this website are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more. 

Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.

A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.

People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (real or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.

In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and like being alive.   

Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, is the author of “Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals,” a psychotherapist and consultant, and an associate professor at the University of Denver Graduate School of Social Work.

Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.com. All Rights Reserved.

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  1. unknow says:

    A apart of me ever day wants to die, I wish someone would run me over and shot me before I do it my self I’m tired I want to breath no one understands I just want to never wake up again .

  2. Anonymous says:

    I want my parents to say that i did a great job. I just want my parents to trust me, to believe in me, to hug me, to understand me.

    • Dr. S. says:

      I hate to say it, but I never got that. I had no reason to ever expect it; my father left when I was three and my mother was . . . incapable. My life got better when I learned to accept that.

  3. Barbara says:

    I have neuropathy in hands arms feet and legs. I have spinal stenosis in my back. Everything hurts. There is no one to love me anymore, they are all gone, died. I am a 61 year old woman with nothing left. Why should I not feel like this. I am a coward, and can’t think of anything to do but sit and feel like this.

    • LifeIsCrazy says:

      you aren’t a coward because you are still here. Still fighting. Thats something. Ive lost everything. Wanted to check out. Still think about it, but the fact we are still here. Takes some kind of strength.

  4. justsayin:( says:

    It would be nice if we could go to sleep forever. Put the body on auto pilot. So, those left behind could still interact and not miss us.
    This place has become so dull. Morals, real love, bonding, loyalty, etc. The meaningfull life is slowly being phased out with a fake reality.

  5. Rainy says:

    I’m so very Happy that I read this it’s great to know what I’m feeling isn’t me all by myself, but I have something with a real name and that something is going on with me and it’s real. Thank you so much for bringing what I was thinking of and helping put it into words.

  6. Anonymous says:

    I’m 2 months behind on the mortgage and bills, all credit cards maxed. Got a 5% pay cut after 5 years of negotiations, unions are useless. inflation was over 10% during that time as well. Was fired because they didn’t like that i lowered the amount of work i was doing, i thought lower pay less work, guess not. No employment insurance because they “had cause”. been applying for jobs for months and haven’t has so much as an email. it’s just a matter of time for food to run out and i starve to death. Why should i keep swimming against the flow when i’m not gaining distance anyway. time to swim with the flow and just go over the waterfall and die! look anywhere and they’ll say stuff like it’s “temporary” or “it will pass”, when? when will it pass? never, it will never pass because that’s how the system works. you work you give your life so that your boss can buy that second home to rent out and make even more money because they know they don’t pay enough for most people to save up and buy your own house keeping you paying them forever (ya i managed to buy a house but i lived at home as long as possible and didn’t do anything, then spent my entire life savings for the cheapest possible).

    biggest joke of this is i worked in a support role for health region. ya that’s right the canadian government fired someone supporting healthcare workers during a pandemic because they didn’t work themselves to death while they lowered their pay and doubled their workload during a pandemic. i truly hope every one in the canadian government and health care management dies the most slow painful death possible, preferably COVID.

    [This comment was edited in accordance with the Comments Policy. – SF]

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Anonymous,

      It’s clear you’re struggling and feeling hopeless. I hope things get better for you. I hope they’re not as bad as they seem. I hope you’ll try to get help.

      Thanks for sharing here.

      • no hope says:

        LOL how useless of a link. what are they doing do to do? the same thing that the union did, is what; fucking nothing while charging me for the privilege. if i was in the states i would have already shot myself. everyone not having guns makes it harder to get your hands on one, go figure. easy for you to have hope, you have a phd in a field where you do nothing and there are no wrong asnwers. would love to sit, nod and make up useless bullshit that sounds good for a 6 figure salary. and dont give me that shit about how you have loans. i have that shit too it’s just that the world doesn’t value anything practical so i don’t get to pay those loans. FUCK YOU AND YOUR HOPE!

        • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

          No hope,

          You’re obviously hurting quite badly. I’m sorry you’re going through so much. So you know, the link I provided is for places where you can talk with someone by phone, text, online chat or email. They are all free.

    • Justme says:

      I agree with you our government sucks!! They are doing nothing to protect our health care workers our education sector or our children. People are assholes going on living their lives as if this pandemic doesn’t exist! I’m so stressed out I want to just go to sleep and never wake up if I could be guaranteed it would happen I would do it! I’m so done with shitty people this pandemic and all of this

      • Anonymous says:

        I agree. I am in the education field and I can’t believe what the board bureaucracy (so threatened by e-learning) are doing to these poor kids, their parents, and the teachers.

        I’m so sick of these evil-minded, self-serving bureaucrats exploiting the situation for their own good and absolutely destroying everyone else. I feel hopeless, powerless, exploited, disrespected, treated with contempt, screwed over, put under some grinning a-hole’s thumb.

  7. Stephen S says:

    Been so nervous to comment but I guess ill speak my peace. Im a 31 year old male who was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder ptsd crippling anxiety and depression as well as numerous health conditions and defects I was born with. I know life throws curve balls but I’m tired. I mean dog tired of all this bull crap. My wife who was my only friend is giving up hope that I’ll “get better” or ” be my old self again”. I don’t think she realizes the old me died and now the current me wants to just slip away. I want to not wake up in the morning so she can be happy again without me. I don’t want to live in a world with out her. I’ve been left by everyone my whole life or bullied constantly. I’m so exhausted. I’ve been off my meds a year now because I was laid off because of covid and couldn’t get health insurance. No communities to help. It honestly feels like there’s no one who honestly cares anymore. Everyone is fake and promises to be there for you but no one delivers. I’ve tried counseling therapy and spent time in a mental ward. I have no support system it feels like anymore. My wife says I don’t talk enough about what bothers me but fuck when I do talk about my problems she says I’m being to negative and it brings her down. I mean shit what else am I supposed to do. I guess if anyone knows of a way to end it while asleep without harming your partner in the process. I just want this life over and to pass peacefully in my sleep. Sorry to complain so much I know I don’t deserve anyone’s kindness or answers but please if someone knows a way to accomplish this mission of mine I’d appreciate it.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Stephen,

      It’s painful to read how badly you’re hurting. No need to apologize about complaining. To me, you’re not complaining, but communicating, really.

      I don’t know of any suicide method that allows someone to pass peacefully in their sleep and doesn’t harm their partner in the process. With that said, if anyone submits a comment here with tips about how to achieve those goals, I won’t be publishing it, as my Comments Policy does not permit advice on how to kill oneself.

      I hope you’re able to find relief for your pain, and it’s my hope that it’s something that makes your life better rather than ends it. Thanks for sharing here.

  8. Wayne Allen says:

    Help me please I’m so close I fill numb I can’t find help I’m homeless don’t want nobody give me nothing but chance get on my feet itryd bur can do it can’t comprehend or read good all want take servey never help me real stressed out had been. Several mental I gonna if I try but it no work not know do I DK somebody call me so I can do they wMt jus wNe live have life I’m disabled had hernia surgery got arm almost cut off chainsaw cant work yru disability please please God help me

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Wayne,

      I’m so sorry you’re going through all this pain and difficulty. This site provides information only, not counseling. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 for immediate help. I hope you’re able to receive help soon!

  9. Michael says:

    I’m 57, I am successful at my job, I live in a nice house with great pets and a fine partner and yet, I really just want it to end. I probably won’t kill myself, but more because I love my parents and they shouldn’t have a second child die. I take anti-depressents and adderall, exercise, eat right, but I don’t really enjoy anything anymore. Most of the time I just want it to end… quietly.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Michael,

      Sadly, I think many people feel the same way – they feel empty inside, or their life feels empty, despite things looking good to others on the outside. Some people find meaning in creative ways, whether through spirituality, hobbies, charity, or any of many other possibilities. And some people go on to live lives of quiet desperation, as Thoreau put it. I hope that you’re able to find a pathway to hope and meaning for yourself, even with all of life’s difficulties.

      (Also, I apologize for the delay in posting your comment.)

      • Linda says:

        Stacey. You are not helping..
        Giving phone numbers of Suicide lines is no help. Suicide lines are pretty much useless and busy . Will put you on hold.
        Use your platform to gather names or email addresses and put some communes together for depressed people 😁or at least help them meet others who are on here and are lonely.
        It’s a no brainer Stacey.
        Think outside the box. This is a horrible time in Mankind’s History Think outside the box!
        You are No help if you can’t think outside of the box.
        Suicide is going to go up and up!
        For godsake! . Move it!

        • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

          Linda,

          I’m sorry my site isn’t helping you. Your comment raises some important points for me to address:

          Are suicide hotlines useless? No. Research indicates that suicidal thoughts go down for many people during a call to a suicide hotline, and hopelessness and psychological pain decrease in the weeks to come. I’m sorry if you weren’t helped when you called a hotline, and I hope you’ll try again.

          The purpose of my website is to provide information, not counseling or treatment. I give the numbers to the national lifeline (800-273-8255), the crisis text line (741741), and other resources so that people who need to talk with someone about their suicidal thoughts or to otherwise get help have somewhere to turn.

          Your ideas for helping others are intriguing! Communities of like-minded people often do provide connection and support. There are online support groups for people who are experiencing suicidal thoughts, such as the forum at chronicsuicidesupport.com, and the Facebook group “Depressed and Broken.” I haven’t participated in these groups and thus can’t attest to how helpful they are (or aren’t). If you have any feedback about them or other groups that people might find useful, please let me know.

          Thanks for sharing here!

  10. noname says:

    i’m 23 years old and i’ve been depressed since i was probably 16. I’m just now thinking I might be trans and the revelation has made it so hard to want to continue on. I know there’s no way my mom would support me, and bc of the pandemic i’m currently living with her 🙁 I’ve been able to keep my hopes up by daydreaming about going to grad school next year in New Zealand but with covid getting worse across the globe I’m starting to lose hope that it’ll actually work out for me. I have never really had any real friendships when i think about it, so not many people would actually miss me. My mom only wanted me for selfish reasons and i feel like a waste of space. Most days I just wish I was never born, but on the bad days I think I should just end it but idk how. I feel guilty for even existing. I don’t know what to do and can’t even bring myself to tell my lovely therapist how terribly I feel. I’m so lost.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Noname,

      That’s a lot to carry on your own: wanting to die, worrying your mother will stop supporting you because of your gender identity, fearing the future amid a global pandemic, feeling nobody would miss you if you were gone. Just one of these can be tough to deal with in isolation, let alone all of them. I hope you’ll try to tell your therapist or somebody else. You could call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, too, at 800-273-8255 or use the Crisis Text Line at 741741. You don’t need to go through this alone!

    • Linda S. says:

      Please tell your therapist how you feel; that’s what they are there for. You’re wasting a golden opportunity. Maybe it’s because you fear they’ll judge you harshly like your mother would, but if you think they’re lovely, they won’t; they’ll understand and help you to cope with your feelings, including your fear of your mother’s rejection. As to the global pandemic, there’s nothing you can do about that but stay safe and keep hoping for the future. Please don’t give up.

  11. Don't worry bout it says:

    I’m 23 years old. Diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar, severe anxiety disorder, depression, and Antisocial personality disorder – sociopath. I know some day I am going to kill myself. I just don’t know when. I’ve attempted before, I’ve been in psycwards, been on medications, and yea I have times I do great. But more often than not, I hope I die. I fantasize of suicide. I choke myself till I pass out or just before I pass out, on the daily. I just wish I knew how to do it in a way that effects the people who have got me to this point over the years. Thanks for reading.

    • Temple Cloud says:

      Dear Don’t Worry Bout It,

      I feel for you – and for lots of other people who have written to this site, but particularly you. I fantasise about suicide, too, and I used to self-harm (including choking myself) until six years ago when I realised how much it hurt the people around me, especially my partner. Even before then, I had made a rule to hit myself where it left visible bruises, after a friend of mine got threatened because someone had seen me with a black eye and assumed my friend had hit me.

      I don’t think your suicide would hurt the people who are actually guilty of getting you to the point where you want to kill yourself, because they are likely to be either (a) people who don’t care if you die or (b) people who might be upset that you are dead, but wouldn’t understand that their own behaviour was responsible, and couldn’t believe it if you told them (not even if you write letters spelling it out, like in Thirteen Reasons Why). Almost by definition, the people likely to be hurt the most are (c) people who care about you (I don’t know whether you have anyone in your life who loves you, but I hope so), followed by (d) people who didn’t know you all that well and didn’t realise how you felt, but wish they could have done more to help you.

      Do you feel stigmatised by being diagnosed with ASPD? It seems to me that while diagnoses of most mental health problems get sympathy from at least some people, a lot of people are like to assume that being diagnosed as a sociopath means that you don’t have real feelings, don’t deserve consideration, etc. It seems like a label to dehumanise people, rather than a description of a problem that you have. I’m high-functioning autistic, and I usually avoid telling people I’m autistic until they’ve had time to get to know me, so that they don’t make incorrect assumptions (for example, that I must be mentally retarded, can’t have finished school let alone university, don’t feel loneliness or the need for friendship, etc).

      I can’t say your problems are going to go away. Some of them might well be with you for a lifetime and are just things you need to learn to cope with, some might get a bit better over the years, others might go away once you find ways of managing the intractable ones. But you are young and your brain is still learning and developing, so please don’t feel that you’re stuck forever with being the way you are now. Please don’t give up hope.

  12. Leroy says:

    Reading a bunch of these makes me feel that there is hope for those that are especially young, under 30 years old and such since it seems you still have a lot of your most vibrant life ahead of you.

    For me, I have felt pretty much depressed and hopeless since my late 20s when I was in my professional career. I’ve never had really close friends or meaningful relationships so in my 20s when I was working there were times I would wake up in sort of a panic mode thinking this is my life and it’s not going anywhere – no relationships, just me alone and working just to sustain my life. I would enjoy some joys like different hobbies, travelling and other experiences but still felt very empty because of lack of meaningful relationships. No prospect of starting my own family, so thinking I would be a fun, single person and enjoy life to the fullest. Well, it’s very lonely and hard to motivate myself to be happy. Now, I am in my late 40s have been jobless for over 2 years and worried and scared everyday that at some point, if I don’t get a real job in my profession, my savings would dry out, and I will lose my home. This pandemic, political strife, crime and divisiveness just makes things worst as it’s easy to say this world is not worth living in anyway. Since my late 20s, I felt like my life was going nowhere but I had a job as a distraction to keep me going (though not knowing where). I’ve always felt I could disappear from this world, and it would not matter. No one would really miss me. And now feels like a great time to go. Let’s not kid ourselves. This pandemic ain’t ending soon. People are too selfish to want to cooperate to end this. So now what’s the point in continuing? Just so in a year or two, maybe we will get back to normal life and enjoy everything as we used to without masks and having to worry about infecting or being infected by others? It just doesn’t seem worth it. I just don’t know where I’ll end up at this point. I’m pretty much too much of a coward to proactively do something to myself, but do always wish something would happen to me. Maybe a tragic car accident. Random attack? I just don’t care. I’m just so tired and bored with life and see no hope that things will be much better even if I do get a job. I just always feel hopeless. I apply to jobs, have some interviews, even deep into the process but nothing. I feel hopeless.

    • Lenny says:

      Hi buddy, I must of read what you wrote at least ten times. I feel the same exact way sir, I am in my mid forties with two young kids and went thru a divorce roughly three years ago and just miserable each passing day. They live in jersey and I live outside of Philadelphia and it’s just so hard. Pandemic ruined me as finding decent work is extremely difficult. Each day I feel like I am more ready to physically end this miserable journey that I am on. I feel helpless, hopeless and just not needed in this world. How much can we take, sad part of it all is there are so many of us out there. How many times have I cried alone in my car or in the bathroom. It’s just getting too much for anyone to take , especially me. Hope you are doing better but again your read is powerful. Thanks for listening Lenny

      • Leroy says:

        Thanks for the reply and the read. It means a lot since I posted here since I have no one to talk to (at least about these deep, dark thoughts) so it’s nice to have somewhat of an outlet. I always feel like such an isolated case since I have not really had many ups and downs in life; just pretty much straightlining in life just below average happiness, whereas many others have had highs and lows, like when they met the love of their life, had children. and enjoyed life meaningfully at times. But, then at the same time these highs can lead to such devastating lows since the memories and experiences of how great things can lead to feeling such upsetting loss when hitting lowpoints.

        I guess we can both feel empathy with each other for the sadness of life. I truly want to be happy and I hope you can find that happiness too. Are you able to reach out to your children to find some joy? I feel like you have some motivation to press on. I, on the other hand, feel like I don’t have much to look forward to, just a monotonous, pointless existence.

  13. Anauonymous says:

    I’m currently 16. My life is not very as too problematic as others, simply problematic. I feel like I had only a purpose of slaving myself for my family. Get good grades, then make a lots of money afterwards.

    I have no one with me, other than my fantasies and myself. My mother doesn’t even care about me, my so called friends don’t see me. My siblings are austism. Father left for another woman and I definitely understand the reason.

    Every night I kept asking why am I still living then I gave reason. It’s an endless cycle.

    I’m afraid, that I have to wake up again tomorrow.

    • Leroy says:

      Hi, I totally feel bad for your feelings. But, I think there’s light at the end of your tunnel. Unfortunately, being young, since you live under someone else’s care and roof, you don’t have too much control of your life. But, things do get better. Try to do well in school so you can take control of your life and then maybe you can move away for school. I grew up in a similar type of household, lacking much real love and support from parents. I was just expected to do well in school and then graduate from a university and make some money. As you grow older, you can work and become more independent and make your own life decisions so I would say for now, while you’re living at home try to enjoy the fact that you don’t have the stresses of paying major bills. Try to be somewhat active and social, if you can. I’m in my 40s and I always regretted not being a little more social and making better friends. I was always satisfied with the few I had. Friends come and go so I’m not left with any great supportive people now.

  14. Aliisa says:

    I’m 18 and I want to die because I know I will never get a partner or be a mother. I’m unattractive, shy and boring. I have no friends anymore because I never leave home. My biggest fear is growing old alone and bitter while everyone else is getting married and having kids. When I’m out in public and see ppl with babies or couples together I get upset so easily because I’m very sensitive and insecure. I’m so pathetic that one time when I was on a walk and a couple was walking before me holding hands, I started silently weeping because I know I’ll never have that. Also I have multiple siblings who are all 6+ yrs older than me and they all have partners and will probably start getting married and having kids soon while I’ll still be all alone. I feel like such a self centered b1tch. I want to be happy for others and I don’t want to envy but it’s hard when I myself am not happy. I’ve never had a boyfriend and its hard for me to even imagine myself ever in a relationship because I feel like I’m such a child and why would anyone want me? There is nothing to love about me. Growing up has been very hard for me because of these fears I have + many other fears I have. A lot of things that are normal to others upset me which makes me feel like an outsider in this world and I hate it. So I tried to kill myself twice in the span of two years. I’m a christian and I know suicide is a sin but for some reason I just assumed that I’d wake up in heaven. Recently though I realized that one of the worst things I could do is to play God and take my own life, so I promised I would never try to kill myself again. Instead now I just hope that God would take me away from this sh1tty world early or that the rapture would happen ASAP so then I would at least have an excuse to why I never got married or had kids. Nowadays I feel so bad that even the idea of heaven doesn’t make me feel better. I just start doubting, thinking that in heaven I’ll feel like sh1t too because everyone around me will be surrounded by their families while I’m all alone because I never started a family. Being alone with these constantly reaccuring thoughts is eating me from the inside so much that I impulsively punch myself to bruises which I know I shouldn’t do. I’d just rather feel physical pain because it distracts me from the mental pain, especially because I get upset so easily over even the smallest things, like hearing certain words that remind of something that I don’t like. I’ve already talked to therapists but it doesn’t help. Honestly I’m so hopeless that I don’t know if even Jesus can heal me which is why I’ve prayed for God to uncreate me. I feel guilty about it but these are my honest feelings. I want to cease to be like I never existed in the first place. Technically I should never have been conceived anyway because my parents are divorced which means they never should have been together in the first place. The most ironic part about all this is that I am so fortunate compared to most ppl in the world. I was born into a safe country to a loving family, I’m not poor, I’m not sick, I have access to good education and health care. I’m the last person in the world that should be depressed. What a waste of a life.

    • Modestas says:

      Hello i know how youre feeling. I have exactly same feelings ive never had a partner im 17 and ive been wanting to commit suicide since i was 14 but i never made my self to do that just because i still have mother and siblings who loves me… 🙁 i have exactly 0 friends i dont have anyone to speak with apart my mother and siblings brother is 29years old having a partner and been together for almost 10 years. Sister is already married and i feel empty thinking what im doing with my life i hate my life i wish i was never born im here just to see my siblings and mothers happiness im not afraid of death every night i pray to god to finish me finally everyday i feel tired, i believe nothing can stop me now. And i hope so my pain will end soon 🙁 id rather be dead. than be alive with all that pain i have.

  15. nah says:

    yes, im jobless and these lockdowns just make everything worse, i cant even get wellfare, its like im jail and i see no end

  16. sir_isO says:

    I don’t have children, thankfully.

    I’m okay with not existing. Like seriously, I despise this world too much, can’t associate with people, obviously lots physical, mental trauma/illness. Shit, not even Isis could fix this.

    But yeah, seems like everyone in society is “qlippothic”.

    Like legit zombiedronerobosheepclones.

  17. Pamelia says:

    I just wish if someone was suicidal they could donate their body so that it could be harvested to help others before they did it. If it offered the person an easy death as well as passing on life to others wouldn’t that be better than finding a dead body somewhere hours after the event and nothing that can be used to help someone else?

    • Dear Pamelia,

      Yes, that’s logical, in theory. In practice, I suppose the medics would have to work out a painless way of killing a physically healthy body (as opposed to removing life-support systems from someone who was brain-dead and couldn’t survive without mechanical aid) without injecting chemicals that could contaminate the organs, but I expect there are ways.

      A few years ago, I read about living organ donations, where you can donate a body part that you can spare (say, a kidney) to whoever needs one. I thought it sounded a great idea, but the catch was that donors have to be sane, and I couldn’t really say I qualified. At first, I thought that sounded unfair (what difference could it make, if my emotions hadn’t led me to use drugs that damaged my kidneys?), but when I thought about it a bit more, I realised that doctors have to care about protecting all vulnerable people, and someone who (perhaps only temporarily) lacks the will to live is just as vulnerable as someone who (perhaps only temporarily) lacks kidneys. Frustratingly, there is no such thing as a happiness transplant, but on the other hand, my brain probably has more chance of regenerating emotional stability than someone’s body does of regenerating kidneys, so in the meantime, I ought to work on improving my mental health until I am in a position to make a rational decision. And in the meantime, I ought to go back to donating blood (something I stopped doing decades ago because I mistakenly thought that taking medication made me ineligible) and save lives that way.

  18. Mark says:

    Yes I do. But unfortunately I dont

  19. David says:

    Where do I start… I’m 40 years old and have an 8 year old daughter who is the light of my life, I’m unemployed, untalented, and unremarkable in every way that matters which I can only assume is the reason why nobody will hire me. My wife is very successful and resents me for not being able to contribute, and I don’t blame her for feeling that way. The only reason I haven’t committed suicide yet is for my daughter’s sake, but I don’t know how long that will last because while she may adore me now, as she grows up she’ll undoubtedly see me for the worthless loser that I really am and probably want nothing to do with me. I have severe OCD and major depressive disorder which is semi-managed through medication and therapy, but it feels like too little, too late at this point. I can’t reinvent myself at 40 years old so I’ve resigned to a slow death from cigarette smoking and alcohol abuse – anything to fast forward the clock since God either doesn’t exist or refuses to take me in my sleep. My plan for now is to try to get my daughter through high School and into college where she’ll be at an age that my suicide will be less detrimental and so I just bide my time drinking, smoking, and sleeping as much as possible so that I don’t have to feel the pain of living. I don’t really want or expect any help here so I really don’t even know why I’m posting this, but I can’t discuss this with my therapist for obvious reasons so I guess it just feels good to share my story without being judged. I would say that I hope this makes someone here feel less alone, but we’re all alone in our struggles and always will be. Time for another drink…

    • Anonymous says:

      I care. And I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have found this it i didn’t want to die myself. If it helps I am the provider for my family and my husband is a stay at home father. We have two sons but my youngest is autistic and no one can help us. Not the doctors, school or therapists. Everyone throws drugs at him and make him worse. I may have the job and I provide for my family but I too feel like a loser who cannot help my family. I too drink now and hope to die as soon as possible. Just wanted you to know you are not alone….

    • B999 says:

      I hope your still here David because you deserve to be here! I know things will get better!

    • Bill says:

      I would strongly recommend to veg out listening and watching some weird Al music videos and contemplate on how crazy this world really is , that there is hope for everyone, just be patient…don’t judge, we have all had similar feelings at some point in our lives…it’s what makes us human.

    • Lenny says:

      Hey David. Definitely let it out my man, so many of us have read your story and your not alone in this fight but at the end of the day we are all alone with our demons. I am in my mid forties and just recently went thru a divorce. I have an 11 years old girl and a 3 year old boy and miss them dearly. They live in jersey and I live in PA and am just miserable each and every passing day. It is hard but you still have them as I don’t have a family. I am alone each Fucken day with this pandemic and getting work is so difficult. I feel your pain my man as many of us here do. Very difficult and sometimes just so unfair, hope I don’t wake up in the morning as well. What a horrible way to live when you feel like this each day. I’m lonely and scared. Thank you for your post as I read it more it’s my life with a a divorce added into the picture. Take it from me you wanna see your kids each day and just be there for her. I have a girl and I know the love you have for her. Don’t lose them, that’s a whole new pain I can’t seem to shake. Thank you lenny

  20. Steph says:

    I’m pregnant and I legit hate my life. I hated my life before I got pregnant and now I hate it even more. I hate my family. No one is happy for me or my pregnancy. No one calls to check on me. My baby’s father decided that he didn’t want me no more and left me for someone else. Then when that didn’t work out he came back and I let him. Like a dumbass. my family they are not supportive at all and treat me like a red headed step child. No one can seem to keep a simple promise these days and if I weren’t pregnant with my son i would have definitely done something drastic. I think about it all the time. Im on bedrest due to stress and no one is ever available to help with my other children even tho they said they would. My house is always a mess. My finances are in the toilet. I HATE MY LIFE.

  21. Hello Cheerful cheeseburgers .
    I opened my window and totally felt the heavy rush of “ Your life sucks and your a cheeseburger” race across my 57, soon to be 58 years old cheeseburger face. As I pondered jumping out of my first floor window knowing that the 16 inch fall would most likely smash the bun that has been holding this cheeseburger face together. I couldn’t do it because I knew that within minutes of me taking that jump, hordes of hamburgers would circle around me giving thanks to the fast food restaurants that had made them the hamburger. My green pickle eyes would scan the crowd, hoping before my life melted out on the pavement, I would see Ms. Big Mac Stacks and tell the reason I jumped from that first floor window, I was tired of not getting the attention with double stacks and that racy sauce. Us lonely cheeseburgers don’t ask for much, just maybe a chance of sweeping that special Ms. Big Mac Stacks off her feet. And showing Ms Big Mack Stacks, I might just be a cheeseburger but it’s the Hot Fudge Ice Cream that I offer in my relationship that I’m looking to spoil you with. Please, save this cheeseburger and tell him what you have to offer so I’ll close that window and spend the rest of my days, filled with happiness and a true grilled love that no spatula can pry apart!

  22. Mike says:

    I’m not sad and my life does not suck. It’s just boring and I’m done living it I have done everything that I have ever wanted to do or accomplish. I no longer want to wake up I want it to end but for some reason I just cannot follow through. I’m not asking for help nor would I listen to any of it.

    • Linda Straubel says:

      I won’t offer any advice, since you don’t want any. But, just out of curiosity, why post on this site?

  23. Anonymous says:

    My 29 year old son died of brain cancer. He was the love of my life. I can’t live without him

    • Linda Straubel says:

      I think grief is one of the hardest things humans have to endure. It always feels as if you’ll be in that dark, terrible place forever. But humans are also resilient and, given time, can recover from grief, at least enough to go on. Please don’t make a permanent decision based on what might be a temporary condition. Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying you’ll “get over it” or stop missing him, but, if you give yourself a chance, you might find the strength to go on with your life. I’m pretty sure that’s what your son would want.

  24. Nfnmdm says:

    I just don’t see a point to be alive. I have everything I could ever wish for, the best thing being my loved ones. But i have perfectionism, stress, fear of failure and it seems to overshadow my blessings. I’m too tired. I feel like a burden, a burden on my own self. I am going crazy

  25. Girl says:

    I have depression on and off since I was 10 years old, now I’m 35. I attempted suicide when I was 11ish years old. My parents didn’t do anything. Didn’t speak to me about what I tried to do or never spoke of it again. They never tried helping. Just pretended nothing happened. Then years passed by and my older brother attempted and my parents still didn’t say anything. A year passes by and my brother succeeded in poisoning himself. Still my parents didn’t say anything or talk about “feelings”. Fast forward, I’m 21 and overdosed on naproxen but my body managed to expel most of it out. I was sober but decided to drink some strawberry daiquiris. So autopsy could say I wasn’t sober doing this. But I guess the alcohol made me puke a lot. Couldn’t remember what happened after one cup of daiquiri and a bottle of pills. I was blacked out and would come to and remember being in the bathroom just vomiting like crazy. I didn’t go to the hospital. I told my sister what I did and still no one in my family talked to me about anything. I have a shitty family who wouldn’t help their own daughter/sister. My parents would get drunk and tell me they didn’t want me when my mom was pregnant with me. Now they say they love me. But do they really? I have kids of my own and I talk to my oldest about her feelings and if she’s feeling sad or any type of feelings. I don’t want her to feel the way my family made me feel. I will always talk to my kids about feelings. I still struggle with depression, but im trying my best to work on it. Im on Wellbutrin now and see behavioral health.

    • Temple Cloud says:

      Dear Girl,

      I feel for you. Sometimes parents don’t seem to notice or believe that their children have problems until those children die. I’ve been conscious of being depressed since I was thirteen (I’m now forty), as I had convinced myself that childhood was the best part of life and that, as I hadn’t been a happy child, anything after childhood would be even worse. But my mother says that the first time I tried to kill myself was when I was three (because I felt lonely and unwanted at having been displaced by younger siblings, and didn’t have the social skills to make friends with children my own age).

      It’s terrible that your parents didn’t do anything to help you or your brother, but I’m glad that you are managing to break that cycle by talking to your children about their feelings, while working on trying to improve your own mental health. I decided not to have children, as I didn’t feel equipped to bring them up when I still don’t feel like a grown-up myself. So I’m impressed at the way that you (and lots of my friends who have emotional problems) just keep on being a loving, caring parent anyway.

      I don’t know whether your parents and sister really don’t love you, or whether it’s just that they don’t know how to talk about (or listen to you talking about) feelings, and don’t know how to help you. I know my parents love me, but my father isn’t good at talking about or dealing with emotions (he’s autistic, as am I), so his response if I’m distressed about anything is usually to try to get me to either shut up or go away, because he doesn’t know how to help, especially when I talk to him about wishing I was dead because I’m still obsessing over something he said to me when I was a teenager that hurt my feelings. My partner tries to help, but sometimes he ends up shouting because he’s so frustrated at not being able to get through to me when I’m being stubbornly irrational and refusing to listen. My mother and other friends are trying to help, but they get so frustrated that sometimes they just end the conversation because it’s gone on for hours without getting anywhere.

      It sounds as though you’re working a lot harder than I am at getting better. I’m glad that you’re seeing a therapist as well as taking medication, and I hope both help.

  26. Deborah says:

    I’ve worked my whole life so I didn’t have to struggle when I got older and married twice got screwed both times no child support raised children by myself disabled now and living in a relationship for 22 years where I took care of him and now that I need help I’m left feeling like I’m a piece of shit worthless because I can’t do what I used to do every day I’m told in some way how I’m not doing what I should be doing if you only knew what I have accomplished in my life why do I feel this way now because I can’t do the things I used to do yes every day I want to end my life and yes the reason I don’t is because I have children and because it’s not my right it’s Gods choice when I die and go to heaven I can’t wait to get there only person that ever loved me is my mommy and daddy I want to see them. My kids and everybody says oh we love you but when I need somebody there is never anyone there for me never only if it’s a benefit to them in someway my family stole everything from me destroyed my house and has left me homeless to where now I have to live with this man and I can’t leave I have nowhere to go I pray every day God show me the path or take me or give me peace I do have a brain injury and I am in treatment. Sometimes it seems like it’s working sometimes it doesn’t the percentage of networking is higher in the percentage of working I want to go back to work I have an eight year college degree that I cannot use because of my emotional trauma I can’t control if I could just be useful I would not feel like I want to die

    • Donna says:

      I feel exactly the same way. There is nothing worth anything when you have been abused and then rendered useless by illness.

      • Ur son says:

        I don’t want to suffer through this anymore. It hasn’t gotten better over time. The people treat me like shit and exclude me. I see no hope.

  27. Jemma says:

    I don’t want to be alive anymore. I’ve tried opening up but nobody really cares, they threaten to send the cops to my house to do a welfare check. People claim they love and care about me but when it comes down to it I’m truly alone and I’m sick of my own company. I wish I would just die in my sleep.

    • Deborah says:

      Hello I understand I endure same scenario. It’s a roller coaster once you start down the rabbit hole in Alice’s wonderland it’s hard to come out. I am trying martial arts. It’s the only thing in my life I get pleasure from. I’m trapped in a loveless relationship where I’ve been depleted of all my savings and I can’t leave so I stay and get told daily how worthless I am in so many ways. I look up to God and when I see trees clouds birds etc I know someone loves me. Maybe not here on earth but in heaven. I don’t know you but I feel your pain deeply and wish and pray for you to feel loved!!! I love you just because Jesus said love is the greatest thing we can give.

  28. Pam says:

    Nineteen days ago on my 49th birthday the man I love left me for someone who for months I asked if he had feelings for her and I was reassured she was just a friend. He won’t talk to me all my calls and messages go unanswered. I too just want to go to sleep and never wake up this pain is like nothing I have had before. People around me and my kids tell me he isn’t worth crying over but to me he is I love him.

    • Deborah says:

      Pam it’s hard to let go when you love so deeply. That’s me too. Only my man just keeps me around as a slave. And still has his girlfriends. He’s taken everything I have if I leave I’m homeless no family no one cares so I get it. Grieve cry beat up boxes get it all out and maybe one day you will feel better. Don’t rely on friends and family they only care for themselves. I know I get the same reactions. I’m not allowed to grieve over my losses I’m supposed to suck it up. Well losing a love even not in death is still a loss. I pray God gives you peace.

    • No one says:

      I’m very sorry. Our love is not worth shit to these fucking dogs. They use us hurt us and then move on. Remain lawful . The law is on their side not the faithful.

  29. Anonymous says:

    I wish I were dead daily. I am deformed and I feel I am only here to provide money to a spouse who uses me and 2 children who are adults and stick around for financial support as well. I have no friends and no one loves me. The rest of my family have already passed and I just want to go as well. I wish there was a person or place that could assist you if you wanted to end your life. It is your life it should be your choice to continue.

    • a nn mallo says:

      i totally agree..people should make their own choices when they want to end their lives.
      i lost my twin sister weeks ago in the most horrible way. i live with the guilt everyday..i have had enough

      • Vickie says:

        This has to be the lowest I have ever felt about myself. A relationship just ended for me that was completely toxic. But it’s all I had. I was verbally abused gaslighted threatened almost daily. Always being fat stupid lazy etc…
        Then there was the physical abuse that occured that he always minimized..
        Drugs were a big factor in the abuse in this relationship. He would never admit that he knew the damage that the verbal had on me. I’m at a point that I cannot snap out of this. It’s like I’m paralyzed. I don’t have the courage to move from this spot. I am so ashamed of what my life has become. I’m about to lose everything because of this. My home my car utilities. Yet I stand here frozen. Maybe I’ve had a nervous breakdown. He convinced me I needed him.. I’m so damn insecure I can barely leave my house. I don’t see the point of going on. I just want to stop the pain. But after the pain will be more pain here. The consequences of being too afraid to leave him cost me everything. Physically materially financially. What kind of life would I have if I didn’t die? Pathetic and humiliating. I just want to go. How fucking much more can I take? None. Zero. I’m going to write my letter

        • Sophie says:

          Hi, I hope you’re still here and will maybe see this.
          I don’t know if this will be of much help but there is a Youtuber called Taylor Nicole Dean and she has gone through similar stuff. She was in an abusive relationship that made her addicted to Heroin. She has Videos on her situation and how she’s overcoming her addiction and healing from her toxic relationship. Maybe go check her out. There is hope. She made it and so can you. She is very transparent about how many times she thought she would die and how hopeless she was. But now with proper help she actually got out of that dark place she was in.
          I hope maybe you can relate to her and see there is hope. Maybe reach out to her on her social media or in YouTube comments.

  30. Lynn says:

    I’m 65 and have been on various anti-depressants since my 1st suicide attempt at 14. I tried every year for the next 7 years. Learned that behavior from my mother who’s father succeeded in committing suicide.

    I’m currently in a major depression which I haven’t had in over 25 years. My pcp increased my meds. I’m having difficulties performing the job I’ve had for 32 years. I sprained my knee and can no longer hike. I’ve been alone, single, for 18 years. I feel unloved and hopeless. I’ve been thinking about suicide almost constantly for the past week. It’s on my mind while at work, at home, walking to the beach. I look at every physical environment and wonder, if I jump off my balcony, would it kill me? Are my full bottles of meds enough? Do I clean out my garage so my kids wouldn’t have to do it? Will they be ok? They are only 23 & 25. They are the only reasons I haven’t done it yet but I’m afraid thinking of them won’t keep me from doing it for much longer. Fantasizing about where I could hike and not come back. Sobbing everyday. Crying in my office at work. I’m just so very tired.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Lynn,

      Thanks for sharing here. What you describe is so, so painful. You mention antidepressants but not therapy. I hope you’ll consider talking with a therapist about what you’re going through. There’s research to back up that therapy can help people to want to live again and to not act on their suicidal thoughts. If nothing else, it can help you to feel less alone, but it can also do much more. I hope you’ll check it out. To start, you could call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. Please take care.

    • Deborah says:

      I have many of your same feelings. I have diagnosed bipolar disorder both manic and depression. It’s a hell that I’ve lived in since noticing something was wrong as an early teen. I’m soon to be 70 years old, been married and divorced 4 times and choose to never have a romantic relationship ever again. I have two grown daughters and two older brothers who are financially set for the remaining of their life. I brought my mama to live with me when my dad died because she had severe unmanaged asthma and lived 11 hours from me. I took her to a pulmonologist and he started maintenance meds for her. Her health improved as for the asthma that was now managed. She was with me for 15 years. I loved my mama more than
      life itself. I worked full time in a very stressful career. No one ever tried to help us financially or supported me as a caregiver. When she needed total care, I felt personally responsible for placing her in a nursing home. And I was. Honestly it still hurts almost as much today as it did 7 years ago. She begged me to take her home, but I couldn’t afford home care. She died 5 years ago. I was left alone to choose her burial clothes and funeral arrangements. I chose the funeral spray, everything. My own daughter closed herself off from me because she didn’t deal well with death as her husband told me. The only reason I’m alive now is because I’m afraid of not going to heaven and don’t want to leave that kind of legacy for my children. I never saved a dime and did a lot of impulsive buying because of my bipolar illness. I have a psychiatrist and have gone to counseling as recent as a year ago. How many more psych meds can I take. I take 2 mood stabilizers, an antidepressant, and 2 meds for anxiety. I’m overweight and a type 2 diabetic. I have a good pcp and my healthcare is managed. Of course I’m still working while my brothers are both comfortably retired. I pray every night for God to simply not wake me up. What’s the point?

    • Sue says:

      Are you still here??? Are you ok??

  31. Nicole Rogers says:

    I’m 41 year old woman who lives with my boyfriend but that’s all I have. I have no friends no family nothing. I don’t want to live anymore, all i do is work while my boyfriend goes out. When he doesnt go out im basically his maid. That’s my life everyday day Im tired i cant take it anymore. I pray to God every day just to let me go. Let me sleep and never wake up..

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Why not leave him? He sounds like a loser and a user. You deserve better and there’s no doubt an easier way to feel better than ending it all. He is not worth it.

  32. Bobbie says:

    Please. I’m asking for help.
    I’ve never felt like this before.
    I’ve had depression and several other disorders but this feels like a mental disorder that I can’t control.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Bobbie,

      I’m very sorry you’re going through such a painful time. I appreciate that you’re asking for help here, but for legal and ethical reasons, I can’t provide counseling on this site, only information. What you’re going through sounds very frightening. It sounds like it’s bringing you to your knees. I hope you will ask for help elsewhere, too. Is there a therapist where you live who you can see? Do you have a trusted physician or pastor you can talk to? There are some online therapy services. I don’t know if you’re having suicidal thoughts, but if you are, those services tend to not treat suicidal people, so be aware of that. I also list other places where you can try to get help at https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp. For example, you can email jo@samaritans.org and tell them what you’re dealing with. (At least, that’s been a service in the past. If it’s no longer current, I hope you or someone else will let me know.)

      It’s good you recognize that you need help and are dealing with something bigger and stronger than you have before. I hope you find the help you seek. Please take care!

  33. Bobbie says:

    I’m laying on my bed fighting with myself about what to do.
    I’m so tired of struggling and starting over in life constantly.
    I’m 47 years old. No family. I’m sick and tired of failing.
    My question right now is whether I should go to sleep and not wake up or…. Go to sleep and not wake up.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Bobbie,

      I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. I hope you’ll consider calling the national lifeline at 800-273-8255, or texting the crisis text line at 741741, or checking out one of the other resources listed at https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.

    • Rachel says:

      I’m so sorry about how you are feeling , please don’t give up.
      I felt like that too , two years ago I was just so lost , so sad , so depressed, felt I just couldn’t do it anymore.
      Apart from my adult son who is married, I don’t have any family either , but things have turned around for me and things do get better .
      It won’t happen over night , but things do change, but you have to help yourself too , be a friend to yourself , be kind to yourself .I know it sounds silly , but go for a walk , just do something small for yourself each day .
      I wish you the best , please hold on in there .

  34. Anonymous says:

    I still exist because of my son. Love him so much
    I’m just getting tired of life and living
    Don’t want to get help.

  35. Cedar says:

    “Consider filling up a hope box (real or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.”

    It’s empty…

    No one understands, no one really cares.
    Alone with all of it and expected to function as if nothing is wrong.
    Thank you for the attempt but this article did not give me a way out.

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Cedar – “No one understands; no one really cares” are assumptions and negative and self-destructive ones, at that. Consider that you may be misinterpreting the feelings and empathy of others. You could be wrong. Don’t take my word for it; just let yourself consider the possibility that you’re mistaken and that some people do understand and some people do care. Maybe you’ve been surrounded by callous, unempathetic people. That’s what happened to me . . . from birth, apparently. But with help, I’ve managed to cope with that and find better people to let into my life. Please don’t give up; that’s a permanent solution to what may not be a permanent problem.

  36. A Layman says:

    So, what am I?
    I resent the grand design (as far as we can currently measure). Reactive chemicals (dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, cortisol, peptides, ect.) being the only tangible explanation for what we perceive as reality, purpose and meaning… limiting humanity to identity addiction.

    ALL Life (and the continuation of it) being dependent upon the consumption of another; unwilling, living being (animal or plant).

    The Quantum negates what we were force fed growing up and reality being defined by the observer… how are we not all semi sociopathic narcissists?
    I fear death yet; cannot justify any longer.

    • Prisca says:

      I’m with you in this thinking. I don’t have much interest in the mundane day to day. Everyone is simply chasing mile markers and I don’t want to chase. I have no parents, my second parent just passed. I’m married but feel alone and have no kids. I cannot rebuild a family unit and what would be the point anyway. Everything is just illusory a grasping of the wind.

  37. Tharaphioo says:

    I want to suicide so many times but with some of my friends help and with their help i still left in the world but now i don’t have anyone left behind me and i want to go to sleep forever without awaking the problems is i have problems with my parents everytime and they don’t believe me with my words what can i do

  38. Arundhati says:

    Had to click on this immediately. Have been wanting to kill myself for almost 5 years. have not found the courage. there’s just so much pain and i want it to end. I actually thought one night that I was going to die because of fluctuating oxygen level and I don’t think I have ever been happier. It was the best sleep I had and the waking up next day the was most hopeless. The only thing I have been able to start with recently is give myself small cuts to feel in control. And oh I have a plan ready for when I want to commit suicide if only I can put all my heart into it. Sometimes I feel like such a coward for not being able to kill myself. 23 and not being able to carry out a single task in life in a mature way and now not being able to kill myself either.

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Arundhati – Maybe your not being able to kill yourself isn’t a failure, after all. Maybe there’s a small part of you that hopes things will get better. The fact that you are able to cut yourself, which I would never have the courage to do – it must hurt like hell! – means you are looking for a way to empower yourself. It seems to me like a silent cry for help, which is also a positive sign, I think. However, it is also a sign that you should get help. I am sorry for your pain and hope that therapy can show you a more positive approach to controlling your life.

  39. Anonymous says:

    I have want to die since my mid teens and I am almost 70 now. Have tried to end 3 times and failed

  40. Lynn says:

    I feel like I’m am drowning. The only way to escape my abusive relationship and pathetic existence is to die.

    • Mary says:

      There is another way. Please contact your local Women’s Aid organisation and they will help you leave.

  41. Bob says:

    None of this helps

  42. Phuk Yu says:

    “Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling.” I’ll say this be careful to who you talk to. This country and it’s healthcare system doesn’t consider mental health an issue evidently. We have confused the word help with hinder. So again, please be careful with who you talk to about how you are feeling, this country is really good at making your problems worse, and hurting you further. At least that’s my experiences, we live in a land of apathy.

    Example: They’ll “help” you by getting you on an insurance plan so they can force pills down your throat, and then when you start getting your life together, and get a full time job they INSTANTLY kick you off your insurance, ya know instead of waiting the three months for your new jobs insurance to kick in, making you pay 700 bucks a month for medication you can’t afford, so now you are back to square one… Thanks American health care system, for making life worse for the poorest of us!

    • Anonymous says:

      Amen!

    • Anonymous says:

      you go quickly from someone who needs to talk to someone that is a huge liability. the best thing to do is hide, and pray no ones finds out. I really wish i was better at this, but about every 4 to 5 years, i go through a stretch where i cant keep it together. i don’t think i want to kill myself, but i cant stop hurting over and over. i have no one that i can talk to. i thought i could vent to a couple people at work, and i was told that i was disappointing. I’m 48. if i don’t have it figured out by know, i wont get it figured out.

      • Linda Straubel says:

        Sometimes we make assumptions that color reality as far more hopeless than it really is. I’d say your assumption that you’ll never figure it out since you haven’t by the age of 48 might just be one of those dark and misleading assumptions. Consider the possibility that you could still figure it out, with the help of a therapist. Talking to people at work probably isn’t the best choice. I’m glad you don’t want to suicide and sorry you keep hurting yourself. My best advice is: don’t give up and find a therapist.

      • Linda Straubel says:

        You could still figure it out. You can’t assume 48 means you never can. I’m sorry you hurt yourself and suggest that speaking to a therapist would be more helpful than talking to coworkers who are not professionals.

    • Deb says:

      Oh yeah you got the right story. Insurance has destroyed health care!

  43. Karla says:

    I am getting so stressed by school, work is pilling up each day. I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. I wish I could sleep and never wake up again. I sure am happy sometimes but it gets tiring. I found some games to play and thought my boredness had gone away, but I’m back at it again, everything seems so boring, there’s nothing good here . . .

  44. Sunshine says:

    Ive been suffering from deep depression and I’m sure of other things for some time now. I’m the person that hides what’s wrong well..
    I was born as a bastard child whom my mom tried to abort 3 times. I am 27yrs old now.. I really wish I knew why I fought to be in this world.. my parents had a horrible toxic abusive relationship, so I’ve been through all kinds of family trauma that haunts me every day, along with other traumas from just being born into a poor dysfunctional family with struggling parents who sold drugs for our survival and most likely had mental issues themselves. I first tried to kill myself when I was only 7yrs old by suffocating myself under my bed blankets. The next time I attempted suicide was when I was 9 and locked myself in my mom’s Honda for a couple hrs attempting to suffocate in the heat of vegas. I still haven’t told ANYONE. Despite the life I was born into, I really did try to grow up to be a successful man. I completed high school and attend some college, got certified in phlebotomy. I competed in track&field from age 9 untill 20 with hopes and dreams of making it to the Olympics. I tore my acl junior yr of high school not knowing how sever it was, and now I have serious limitations with my knee. I had to let go of my dream going to the Olympics and recently quit my job at the hospital due to the strain it was causing me along with the stress I was taking on from medical field. My only income is driving for Lyft now. I’m also a pursuing barber who is a quarter done in getting my license, But honestly, I don’t feel like I have what it takes anymore.. to stay strong in this world anymore and overcome my issues and be successful. I feel like I’m too far gone and mentally messed up now… I bought a .45 when I was 23 and contemplated with it many times.. I’ve been isolated for 4rs now with the only person i really interact with is my loving caring girlfriend who is a nurse. I know she was lonely before she met me, and I bring her joy and good times sometimes, but overall, I feel that she definitely deserves someone better than me with a better life situation and better stable mental to start a life with. A good girl like her should not settle and steer clear of a damaged person like me. She’s 29 and wants to start a family… I don’t want her settling for me, my struggles and issues when she can have a better life w/o me. I been trying to tell her that it’s okay, I’m not what’s best for her, but she believes in me…. I don’t believe in myself anymore… I don’t have help from any so called relatives or true friends. Me trying to help myself hasn’t been working. My whole life I’ve been fighting the struggle, and I feel like I’m just sinking down a dark hole, not winning at all.

    • Linda Straubel says:

      I’m not an expert but I’ve done a lot of research in psychology, some online from reliable sources, some more formal in college courses. From what you wrote, it seems that your most pressing issue is dealing with the traumas you’ve suffered inflicted by your dysfunctional family. For one thing, and frankly I don’t know how well-supported this theory is, but I’ve read that people contemplating or even attempting suicide are unconsciously fulfilling their parents wishes. Given your mother’s attempt to abort you, this seems to fit your history of attempts. BTW, why on earth would your mother tell you that a) you were illegitimate and b) she tried to abort you? It reminds me of some of the crap my mother told me and it’s both destructive and unnecessary. It also seems connected to your feelings of unworthiness and attempts to isolate yourself even further by pushing your girlfriend away. I don’t know if you’ve tried therapy, but since you don’t mention it, I’m assuming you haven’t. I think it’s worth a try and could be the beginning of a more rational self-assessment and a happier life. I’ve been to several therapists over the years and it’s helped. Granted, my situation was nowhere near as horrendous as yours, but my upbringing sucked and it’s taken years to overcome it. There’s a fairly new technique called EMDR, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. I have a friend who tried it to overcome the trauma of finding her sister who’d hung herself in their parents’ basement. Given that it helped her, I’d deem it worthy of the effort. If you just Google EMDR, you’ll find the location of therapists using that technique, as well as explanations of the process.
      None of the crap that happened to you is your fault; it’s more than likely that you know that on an intellectual level. But the intellect is only the surface when it comes to trauma, and feelings go far deeper than that. I grew up feeling at fault for all the abuse I got. I think, at a subconscious level, children can’t help but blame themselves, since parents are our pseudo-gods and if they can’t be wrong, it must be us who are wrong. I never felt I actually did something to deserve the abuse and neglect I got, but that there must have been something wrong, something “unfixably” wrong with me or it would not have happened. In other words, I was not wrong in my actions; I was wrong in my essence. Maybe that applies to you, as well. There’s help out there and you deserve to be happier. I won’t kid you; it’s work and sometimes painful work, but in the end it’s worth it. There’s also a book that I’ve read through several times and have recommended to friends: Dr. Susan Forward’s Toxic Parents. That helped me, as well. I know we are strangers to you, the people who respond to your posts on this site. However, that should show you that some people do care and do try to help. I am hoping the best for you. Finally, you can try to be the man your girlfriend sees in you, be the better person she deserves, instead of rejecting her love. This rejection seems to me like another self-destructive action. Don’t let those horrible parents win.

    • wesley b headley says:

      do you realize how important you are to your girlfriend? you most certainly do matter. care for her happiness, much of that happiness is you.. you are worth a lot to her.

    • Leroy says:

      I wish I had a girlfriend or anyone that cared for and believed in me as much as she does for you. I honestly believe that would help me in my struggles.

  45. James says:

    I just want to fall asleep and never wake up or dream, because evening dreams can turn into a nightmare. Maybe this is the best it’s ever going to get in God’s kingdom. Maybe this is the way God wants it to be. I don’t believe in the devil and even if I did I know who made the devil that is God so God is the devil for making the devil lol. I’m mad because I’ve been sold a sack full of crap and I want my money back.

  46. eric hamilton says:

    Sometimes i just wish i wouldnt wake up . Dreams are so peaceful, i just want to dream and not wake up . Life is too much once it hits you

  47. dazz says:

    I see my life like a movie. You start watching film on netflix and after say 10min you see that the film is boring and switch off . Exactly I see my life , I am 42 and looking back what have I achieved vs expectations and where I am now with my life what are my perspectives for the future I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely pointless to continue. I have lost any drive , motivation for anything in this life. Living on autopilot , every day is the same, stress and anxiety over the roof . I have nothing to live for . I hope I will die soon hopefully in a sleep.

  48. Dlm says:

    How do I stop feeling hopeless and so lost. I am a shell of my former self.
    I was a good mother, I think and a good wife and now I am nothing.I feel dead

    • J says:

      OMG That is me just throw in some chronic illness and that’s me. What’s the point in fighting so hard. For nothing and no one.

      • Betsy says:

        Omg, that means we all the same. I want just to sleep and be in my dreams there but sometimes I find my self in bad dreams and I desperately take my self out from it but realising that waking up real life is same thing and I left with no where to run anymore. If I go into bad dreams then whats the point of me wanting to escape the reality. This is when I feel I’m in deep hole. When u want to sleep and be in Yr dreams then u are lucky as u got the escape but when u know that if I go to sleep and find my self in awful dreams and I wake up into same real awful reality, where to escape??? Just face it. No matter what face it, keep going. Facing it untill the reality becomes controllable no matter what. Its all energy. Its not that bad as we think it is. Just face it and watch how everything turns into energy we want it to be

  49. Matthew says:

    Whenever someone dies, I think to myself, “They’re the lucky ones.”

  50. Mr Janus says:

    “So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself.”

    Funniest thing I have ever read. If you weren’t so busy pandering to your own desire to appear the hero, you might actually do something heroic with your life. It’s amazing how many people like you cannot see past the pre-conceived ideas about why people want to die. Therapists are the same, they can’t think outside the box because they are mentally limited to things that can only exist in their pre-determined box.

    Some of us have achieved more than you will ever achieve. We have been more successful than you can ever hope to be. We have been more supportive of other people when they needed our support, than you could ever imagine. And after all that, we simply believe we have done enough to justify our desire to no longer be here. We don’t need to cling to one more day, We don’t need to drag life out past its sell-by date. The reason people don’t want people like me to die, is because they don’t want to lose their free-pass to unlimited help. I have earned my right to want to die.

    The truth is, people like you don’t deserve people like me. People don’t deserve free access to everything I have spent a lifetime learning. You deserve nothing but you expect everything, is it any wonder people like myself want to die? You just can’t stop making demands of people and you continue to do it on pages like this. You want, want, want and that’s all you care about.

    Be better, do more and stop expecting everyone else to do what you want of them, because people like you are why people like myself want to die… because you never stop wanting of others. Respecting other people isn’t about agreeing with them, it’s about accepting their choices unconditionally. Selfish people want others to keep on living and you see that every day with parents and brain-dead children. They refuse to let go because they can’t respect their child. It’s sad how needy other people are.

    • Linda says:

      I’ve been reading this page for a while and have seen some real anger in response to someone who just wants to help. But yours is the angriest, so far. You might consider why people reaching out to you causes you to attack them as selfish and, apparently, far less intelligent, educated and accomplished than you. While you are right that it is your right to choose to live or die, your demeaning attack against people trying to help you see reasons to choose life is way, way over the top. It’s interesting to me that sometime people who most need help are the most hostile to anyone suggesting they get help. I’ve seen this kind of denial up close and personal and know it can get pretty vicious. Your anger and certitude that you are right are not proof that you are. You might try a more rational approach.

    • TheowlhouseI says:

      I agree with you. I haven’t talked to anyone in my life about my suicidal thoughts as I fear their reactions. I fear that they will become defensive, not knowing what THEY did to make me “like this”, I fear them calling me an attention seeker, a selfish, spoiled brat. I fear them not listening or respecting my thoughts and not validating them. And so, I agree with you wholeheartedly. You might not be able to read this comment and I’m not entirely sure what spurred me to write this either. I just wanted to thank you for making me feel seen on this article’s comment section.

  51. Noname says:

    The way I see it is that there’s too much bad in the world for it to ever be worth living. Even though there are times when I do enjoy my life, I still feel like it is not enough to make being alive worth it. I’m a college student and I do not know how I have made it this far because every day I hope I would just die. I have people in my life but I feel like I have no one to talk to and I keep everything to myself. It’s time for me to start applying for jobs and I have a lot of pressure being put on me but I am so emotionally exhausted that I cannot even bring myself to apply. What is the point? I don’t want to kill myself but I often daydream about dying in my sleep or getting cancer. I don’t even want help because i feel that I am past the point of fixing.

    • Sophie says:

      Hi idk if u will see this but u describe my situation almost perfectly. All I do is suffer and it seems so pointless. It seems like the bad people always win and it’s so frustrating. I’m so frustrated all the time. The world is horrible. I’m extremely bitter and I feel like a waste of a life. I truly have no passions or anything I’m good at. So the thought of working somewhere for 40+ years is terrifying for me. I know I will never excell in anything. I feel so alone. No matter how many ppl I have around me. I wish I never existed. I don’t want to die bc the hurt I’d cause with my parents and my pets I’d leave behind just pains me too much but there is nothing I have ever wished harder for than not being born. If there was a genie that would grant me 3 wishes I would just use one.

  52. Jackie says:

    I’m sick of being sick sad and lonely. Can’t drive i’m isolated in a fucking town and it’s just shit.

  53. tina says:

    i killed my son so my life needs to be ended as well. i keep asking God to take my life but i wake up every morning even more depressed i am still here. please take me lord. plan b is ready if you want me to do it. you want me to take my life to prove in my loyalty to you. one way or the other i will die.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Tina,

      I can only imagine the agony you feel. Your son died, which itself is an enormous tragedy, and you blame yourself for it. I don’t know your situation. Whether you killed your son directly or didn’t kill him directly but feel as if you did, the pain sounds unbearable.

      Please, I hope you are getting help from a professional, pastor, hotline, support group or somebody else. You can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text “help” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. I list other free resources at https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.

      Thanks for sharing here, and I hope you get support in your grief if you don’t have it already.

  54. Anon says:

    Im a logical practical person , and i look around the horrible world and all the suffering and evil (99 percent caused by people) and i think this is not my world i expect and was promised better as a child. No one mentioned grief, the sheer mental trauma of someone you love being in pain while you helplessly stand by while they die. I have brothers and sisters and one friend i cannot talk about this to. But i really wish i didn’t have to be here if it wasn’t for the grief it would cause them i would kill myself. Because things are only going to get worse . Whats the first rule of war , If you can’t win ,dont fight. The only way to a happy life is to be born an orphan never love anyone never become attached to anyone dont feel love and you wont feel grief. I actually looked up if it would be possible to delete my memory using drugs or operation so i could wake up in the middle of nowhere with a note which would read dont try to remember or find your previous life avoid people and pets. There’s nothing in this world for me .

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Anon,

      You’ve conveyed powerfully just how much you’re suffering, how hopeless you feel, and how much you feel burdened by others’ potential grief for you. I hope your suffering relents at least a little.

      In the meantime, if you want to talk with someone, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255) and the Crisis Text Line (741741) might be a good resource for you.

      Take care, and thanks for sharing here.

    • Anonymous says:

      Did I get drunk and forget I wrote this post? I swear I’m reading my own words…

    • Deb says:

      Me too. If you find away to erase the memories of all the people you want to forget please post and let me know!!! I wish I never knew my brother’s wife’s’ family. They destroyed everything I owned and pretended to care until I had nothing left then my nephew threw me out of my brothers house at gunpoint (elders abuse I’m 63) and I thought they loved me. I took care of them for 40 years!

  55. Soulless1 says:

    Right, my life is crap. I have never had anyone tell me the truth with any consistency. Every promise (not exaggerating) has been broken. I have no one to trust. If I go to a doctor, I’ll lose my clearances needed for work. All that holier-than-thou crap is insulting and degrading. “Count your blessings, others have it worse, change your perspective, it’s only temporary” dismissive, hurtful, narcissistic crapola. Try living in a body that doesn’t work correctly. Constant pain, weight issues (yes, I F*ing exercise and watch what I eat, it hasn’t helped in 30 years, why would your diet plan work?) feeling like I’ve been flattened by a truck every day…
    If I have one more idiot throw their god in my face, I probably won’t have to worry about slogging through a life I don’t want. When the cops show up, they’ll probably just shoot me-seems like the go-to response from cops these days.

  56. Carol says:

    I just want my brain to be quiet.

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Carol, Have you tried meditation or yoga? Even hatha yoga, which focuses on the body, includes some deep breathing exercises which always helped me. It’s worth a try. There is a self-teaching book by Richard Hittleman, which teaches you the major positions in 28 days. At the very least, it will give you something else to focus on.

  57. Anonymous says:

    A safety plan? Good idea for those who want to live, and are scared by these seemingly random thoughts of suicide. Laughable for those of us who sincerely want to exit. The challenge, is to figure out which camp you are in.

    • anon says:

      So true. It is so condescending to hear the good intentions of others when all you want to do, 24×7, month after month, is die.

  58. Andy says:

    I am potentially HIV positive and decided that if I cant complete even the simplest of goals in life then why make myself suffer through it? I talked to crisis workers my own mother and brother even and I refute their points calmly just as I do this article. Some people just want a peaceful passing and you give us a stupid phone number that has a college graduate on the other line that most of the time spouts the regular bullcrap at you. If someone desires to pass a certain way and time it’s their decision not yours. Your life is yours and mine is mine. If you think giving people a phone number to fix all their issues they want to break from is gonna make them change their mind cause let’s face it- a phone number or counselor doesnt fix the issues at hand. You can talk about a leaky roof but does it fix the actual issue? No. Especially if it’s a permanent issue such as HIV in my case. Noone will ever wanna be with me, I wont be able to have a family or do the simplest of goals I ever desired to growing up. I simply write this to defend everyones choice in how they go and to tell people to stop tossing phone numbers and counselors at us or anti depressants that you become dependent on because your brain now needs medicine to feel relatively normal or have a gauge on yourself. Its foolish those are the resolutions you have for people who truly have nothing left. Noone has ever had anything to say once I got off the phone with them defending my own right and ability to decide how I pass. I dont get to decide how you pass so you shouldnt try to make me live a life of suffering. In the very likely chance I was lied to and given HIV I have already made plans to do experimental treatment and if that doesnt work or get any scientific advances for others infected or myself then I decided I’m not going to go down the road of suffering HIV often brings with it.

    Dont toss a phone number at people and expect it to fix their root issues that cause the depression or decision on suicide. It is absolutely foolish when someone’s made their mind up.

    [This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. – SF]

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Andy,

      It’s clear you’re hurting, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to argue with you in any way, but I do feel the need to clarify a few things, both for you and for others who read this:

      HIV is treatable. It can’t be fully eradicated from the body, but with proper treatment, an HIV+ person can have a long, full life.

      Therapy can help. No therapy works for everyone, but research indicates that psychotherapy can help people to feel better and to not act on suicidal thoughts.

      Calling a hotline can help, too. A review of studies about the use of hotlines, chat, and crisis text services found people consistently reported improvement after the conversation, including “decreases in suicidality, improvements in wellbeing, receiving referrals, and developing self-care plans.”

      It’s not only possible, but also common, for someone who’s resolved to die by suicide to change their mind. As I write in a different blog post, no person’s suicide is inevitable. As long as a person is alive, there’s potential for a change of decision, circumstance, mood, etc. This is why most people who survive a suicide attempt are still alive many years later.

      From what you wrote, it sounds like you feel very hopeless about your future. My hope for you is that you will not view that hopelessness as a factual prediction but, instead, as a symptom of your painful circumstances, and that you will get help.

      Thank you for contributing here.

  59. Nobody says:

    I found every line quite apt but its like I don’t trust anyone now. It seems, everyone has betrayed me. I hate my surrounding. Too much negativity I have inside me.

  60. Al says:

    I really enjoy how I say I want to die and everyone says that I don’t really want to die, I just want to stop my suffering…
    Honestly, I can’t even follow that logic. How lucky they are. They’ve never felt it and therefore never wanted to end their lives.
    OF COURSE I want to end my suffering. Dying IS a perfectly viable way of achieving my goal. Medication isn’t working. Therapy isn’t working. Exercise isn’t working. Seriously, nobody knows what to do with you when you ask for help. They just kinda stop talking to you. If you’re lucky enough to break free once, it’s never for long (at least not with the bipolar diagnosis). It waits. The monster under your bed or hiding in your closet. You know eventually it will get you again. You can only hide from it, give into it, or kill it. There’s a catch. That monster is, was, and will always be you.
    Now, let that sink in and get back to me.
    I know after COVID there are so many more suffering alone, but it’s always just been me and the doctors. I really did try.
    I figure if medical science gets really good (laughable considering the headlines but possible considering the age of the leaders in the United States), I’m about halfway into my life, maybe less, if my mental illness doesn’t take me first.
    The only reason I am still here is because I know the statistics. I’m aware of how very often people fail, leaving them incapacitated in some way. Trying, failing, and being unable to try again is not an option.
    It should be my choice. It should be everyone’s choice, but I’m going to change gears here. Many of the comments I’m reading are atrocious. Many of you are suffering because people have made it impossible for you to get the help you need. Greed. “Pull yourself up by the boot straps.” Indifference.
    I have an illness I have been fighting for more than half my life. I am fortunate enough to have the means to do it, even if it’s not working.
    Depression is often rage turned inward. It seems many of you are angry about things you cannot control and you shouldn’t hold yourself accountable. A prosperous society takes care of the members held within. I don’t know the solution, but I do know that being a total pain to the powers that be (and it takes constant bothering), doors seem to open just to shut you up.
    As for having nobody, nobody will ever care about you like you care about you. You are the center of your own universe and they are the center of theirs. This is the western way. We are a culture who values the individual over society. Solitude and self healing get far easier when you can accept this. When nobody goes it with you, it’s okay to go it alone or with your doctors.
    All these things I’ve learned along my path and they’ve gotten me further than I ever expected. It’s just that after careful consideration I have come to the conclusion that I’m so very tired. I tried, but this is all I have left to give to society. Advice from slightly further down the mental health path. It’s rarely heeded nor does it offer me relief. I wish that doctor assisted suicide was okay, especially for mental health. I’ll either find my fool proof method or go to bed every night and wake up every morning wanting it to be over because I have an illness nobody seems to be able to control.
    Good luck.

    • Anonymous says:

      The part about people suffering due to a lack of access to help is so true. I need serious therapy, as well as medical attention, but I don’t have the funds to do this. My condition gets worse every week, but there’s nothing I can do about it.

      I’m reading this article because the thought of “I want to be dead” keeps coming back, but I literally cannot get therapy because of how the US system is set up. My physical health took a sharp decline- herniated spinal disc followed by constant vertigo so I had to quit one of my jobs and stop a lot out outdoor activity, but I can’t get medical help because the USA is literally the most expensive in the world- and yet the quality is ranked 37th. I’ve had 4 doctors appointments for the vertigo, but they all say they don’t know what’s wrong, then they refer me to someone else, only to be told the same, while they continue to charge me money. I’m literally running out of money.

      I have trauma with spending money because I was recently living on the streets, and I only recently got a job and housing- so it feels like a cruel joke for all this to start happening to me now.

      • Brenda says:

        If it helps I will tell you this, I’ve experienced vertigo and have seen a couple of doctors and hit it on the head. Now I don’t know if you get migraines but it was told to me that vertigo can be caused by migraines .
        I have migraines and experienced vertigo when I had the headache along with every other symptoms that come along with it. My suggestion would be check it out and see if there’s a connection.
        I wish you well.

  61. No one says:

    Lololololol I hate to belittle everyone’s pain and anguish but when I look at myself stressing, hurting, wishing to sleep and never wake I just see how selfishly pathetic I am, obsessing about my useless existence, my my my perhaps guidance on how not to be completely worthless might be a better route to take, I’m sadly still here, still got this stupid life and stupid time, can I maybe find some solace in doing something for someone else, if not for some sense of redemption maybe just a short term distraction from the nightmare of this existence. Being alive and living are not the same thing it’s a sad thing sitting on my fat arse waiting to die can I break my laziness long enough to do something about it and get out of purgatory one way or another…

    • A says:

      Some just dont want to fight the futile battle ahead especially if they could have issues, disease, or physical factors that are permanent they simply want out of. I dont think its pathetic to not fight certain fights especially ones you know you will lose in the end, why send your men on a slaughter mission and for no reason when you could instead turn away and orient yourself to another battle which is trying to find solutions to fix the permanent issues or simply stopping the permanent issues with a permanent decision. It isnt selfish to choose when you go. Your life is your life just as someone elses is theirs and noone controls each others time clock except ourselves and time itself.

      [This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. – SF]

      • Linda Straubel says:

        I am sorry you feel this way and hope you can find another way to ease your pain, but you are correct: it is your life and your decision. Please choose carefully.

    • Z says:

      I Feel ya pain mate x

  62. Jason says:

    A thing people have said it’s that suicide is selfish. You think only of yourself and relieve your burden while those left behind will carry on in misery at your action. Selfish, as in the act of suicide has inherent disregard to your family or friends.
    It finally occured to me recently that guilting me into continuing my unhappy and unwanted life so you won’t need to confront the total nature of my happiness is what’s selfish. To disregard the mercy one is asking of you for the simple convenience to live on your life without us, that is cruel and selfish.
    So much effort goes into distorting the truth that some people will arrive at a natural conclusion for their life and yet suffer a body that can still function. I want to be proud of my life. I gave it an honest shot and persisted in the manner of my will, hopeful for a wonderful life. I didn’t succeed. It didn’t work out and I’m okay with my loss. Someone who’s never truly lost may not understand the completeness that’s felt by reaching the end.

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Jason, I agree that people are wrong to call suicide selfish. You can’t stay alive with all the pain involved just to spare others the pain of losing you. However, one thing I am sure of is that suicide is a permanent solution to problems that might be temporary. At least, wait a bit and try to change things before making such a permanent decision.

      • Ant6 says:

        Shit don’t change

      • A says:

        Sometimes it could be a permanent issue such as illness or whatnot. Why continue to fight if the battle is useless anyways? Noone has been able to give me a good argument back as to why fight a battle you wont win anyways and you can choose your own passing how you like as well versus a painful heart attack? Instead I or we (I speak for anyone else in a similiar case) would likely rather just fall asleep and not wake up with a drug concoction rather then having a painful time punch.

      • Ned says:

        Suicide is a permanent solution to the permanent problem of temporary problems forever.

    • Barbara says:

      My thoughts exactly! What drives me crazy is that national suicide hotline add that pops up all the time. I don’t want their help. They would not understand at all. Just give me some crapola about how my life matters and their is a purpose and those other lies they spew at you. No ones life has “a purpose”. That is just a ruse to keep you from sending yourself to the grave.

      I have wanted to “go” since i was 9 years old. I’m 58. I was adopted and not told found out going through my mother’s papers after she died. This totally destroyed me. Liars the whole lot of them. I wish they had just left me in the orphanage. My parents were controlling, narcissistic and cared only about what others would say about them. Never cared one lick about me. They only adopted me to “look good”.

      I will say always to the day I die that I ever should have been born. I am a joke to all I meet and I am just waiting to die. Every morning I wake up and curse that I woke up. Nothing bothers me more that to hear someone say “well it’s better than being dead”. No, it really isn’t

      • Annie says:

        I read what you wrote, and felt I had written it myself. I was also adopted to make my parents “look good” to others.
        I read what a few others had also written who were adopted. I know my problems are from being adopted.
        I’m Borderline Personality, with severe chronic anxiety, and depression. I have also become PTSD. I have tried to get help, meds, counceling, I’ve been hospitalized 3 times, and to be honest, I’ve tried to commit suicide at least 10 times.
        I have been on 19 medications because for every pill they gave me, I needed another pill for a side effect. I stopped taking all my meds in 2012. I lost 100 lbs and I was finally living alone, and never felt better or happier. But 2 years later, I was living in my car because my adoptive parents stole $100k from me to help their natural born son and his family. Then they turned their backs on me all together and have not heard from any of them since.
        I was hospitalized in September 2020. I have been trying meds and counceling once again. But nothing is helping and I feel worse than I did without meds.
        No one can fix me. My dreams are all way behind me. I have no goals, ambition, hopes, or aspirations. I just have empty days filled with pain, anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness.
        My nights are filled with nightmares, sleeplessness, and tears.
        I don’t have a single person who would miss me if I wasn’t in this world. No one would shed a year if I was dead.
        No one should ever go thru this and not be given a choice to end their life to finally get some peace.
        I pray every night not to wake in the morning.

    • Anon says:

      The sad thing is that the people that guilt trip you are the same people that will conveniently ignore or downplay your cries for help. These are the people that will tell you to pull yourself together, think positively and think of the people worse off than you. They do this because they don’t have the capacity to actually listen or care and it makes them feel better about themselves spouting out generic phrases. They are the same people that will use you for support but when you need that help they will conveniently be unavailable. They will not miss you when you are gone but just will not be able to accept their guilt not grief.

      Suicide is not selfish. People do not have a choice when they come into this world (they don’t ask to be born). Some people are born lucky or are able to make their own luck whilst others endure a lifetime of suffering. If someone is in so much pain and feeling so much unhappiness and have made a conscious decision to end their life why should this not be respected. I am tired of this life and also wish I could just go.

  63. Brandi says:

    For some, suicide is inevitable. It is their destiny, it has been in their life plan from day one. Like everything else, the timing has to be right.
    It’s my first thought when I awaken and it’s what keeps me up at night. I research ways like I’m writing my thesis.

    If I undo my seatbelt thinking if I get in a wreck, hopefully I will die, is that active or passive? I see the oncoming car and I will them to cross into my lane, is that active or passive? Sure I could be the one to cross lanes but with the way my life goes they would die and I would live…..

    For some suicide is inevitable. For me, suicide is inevitable. I do not understand the problem with this. I have accepted it and am at peace, why shouldn’t others be? We all are going to die. Does it really matter how we die?

    Lastly that patient safety plan is laughable. If I could name one person much less three that I could talk to maybe I wouldn’t be this way. Some people are destined to be alone, truly alone.

    When someone dies from say cancer, we mumble things like “they are pain free”, we need to realize and say the say same for suicide. It’s often the greatest sacrifice we can make.

    • Rae says:

      I am with you friend. I will not abandon you like people have abandoned me in my suicidality. I am in the same boat as you. I also understand that it is my destiny as well. Most have no idea what that is like. Most are oblivious to the basics in their life let alone destiny, that is another topic. Anyway, I am with you friend, all of the positives of my being. Most people are cowards when it comes to the topic of suicide. I am sorry you are alone. I am also alone.

      • AB says:

        I am just someone who stumbled upon this page, and I’m sure you can guess why. I have been reading all of the posts on here, and I am sitting here with tears in my eyes and my heart is breaking and hurting with every word I read. No, I am not a doctor, therapist, or special suicide prevention person, but just your average everyday gal with depression issues like everyone here.
        I first want to say, I love you! I don’t know you, but I do. I know alot of people never get told that in their life! I have and still live with someone who I loved commiting suicide, and to this day, although noone knows, I still live with the pain, so bad, it feels like my heart is being torn out of my chest!! I’m not here to make you think life will get better, or that your problems will go away. The truth is that problems will never completely go away, and more may come. People will let you down, and Life will mostly suck day after day!
        I too have had the same thoughts as everyone, about just giving up, but, then I think to myself, that’s what Satan wants me to do! Whether you believe it or not, Satan has been on this earth for a while and is the one that is destroying everyone’s life. Look at the world today and see what is happening out there. Whether you think so or not, you are special in ways you will never realize!!! You look in the mirror everyday and see nothing, but something you did or said today made an impact on someone’s life, whether you realized it or not. It may have just been a smile someone needed. God is here for you and me, but the devil will try and make sure you feel worthless on a daily basis. No, I am not try to preach to anyone because by a means, I am not perfect!! I’m just trying to show you and everyone else, that someone out there does love you and will listen with an open mind and not judge you!! Noone in life, no matter how it looks to you, is not struggling with some kind of great pain. The world is going to hell, literally. I just ask that you try one thing before giving in… Get on your knees and ask God to take away your pain, and show you the answer. I promise you, if you give it to God and tell him that you can’t handle it anymore, HE Will carry you the rest of the way!!

  64. Sb says:

    Is everyone worth saving? What if Hitler was on this site. Would you tell him his life matters too? Maybe some people aren’t worth saving. How do you measure that? I just beat my wife. She hasn’t left me yet, but if she does why should I stick around to only hurt people I love?

    • Elizabeth says:

      Yes I wish I could go to sleep and don’t wake up I don’t want to live I pray to God every day to take me ,and I’m hungry because he does not take me

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Sb – Well, no, knowing what I know of history and his abominations, I would definitely not try to save Hitler. However, that is a false comparison; as awful as it is that you beat your wife, it doesn’t make you Hitler. There’s also a false dilemma in your post: there are more than two choices, kill yourself or keep hurting people. Consider a third alternative, which is to get help. In the meantime, until you’ve learned to control your temper, yes, your wife should definitely leave you.

      • Ella says:

        The third alternative never works. I have been getting “help” for 30 years. Very blessed to have all the resources to do so, have tried every modality from all the drugs, ECT and 50 kinds of therapy. Nothing worked. Leave us alone to deliberately to make our plans and don’t try to stop us. I see how you might want to stop someone who is reaching for the gun impulsively, but with us long termers, why does it matter if we choose to end our own pain?

        • Linda says:

          I’m sorry that therapy hasn’t worked for you, but I can’t help but notice that you demanded that we “leave you alone.” That doesn’t really square with your writing on this site, does it? I responded to you; I did not seek you out to bother you, which “leave us alone” implies. Again, I’m sorry you feel this way, but my responding to you does not imply I’m trying to interfere with you. Have you really tried 50 kinds of therapy? I didn’t know that many even existed.

  65. Kelly Celane says:

    I wish I could die but that’s somehow too selfish and I love my family. I just want to disappear. I wish I never existed.

  66. Gabriel says:

    I just want to die….owing some people money and having difficulties in taking care of my wife and daughter

  67. Brittany says:

    I feel like I’m already dead inside. I don’t feel hopeless and I’m very thankful for what I have. I focus on that more than on what I don’t have. I really want relief but antidepressants, adhd meds, anxiety meds don’t work. I’ve done therapy and have a background in psychology. I just have no drive to keep going because I’m exhausted. I haven’t been employed since I got fired from my first real job a few weeks after I witnessed my grandfather die in front of me. Im back in school for computer science but my mom died my first semester back and I found out I’m pregnant this semester. My husband has ptsd and struggles with suicidal thoughts as well. Two suicidal disabled people being responsible for another life (in addition to my two stepsons) is difficult. I’m also autistic and seek care through my husband, who is already overwhelmed as it is. Tonight, I cut my thighs with scissors a lot and I feel so ashamed. My husband thought I was doing it to be manipulative because I did it when he was blowing up on me but really I was just so overwhelmed and numb I didn’t even feel the cuts. I thought the scissors were dull and not working at first. But now my legs hurt really bad, my husband is avoiding me, and I feel pathetic because I have SO much homework but all I can do is stare at the wall, cry, and wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.

  68. Mark says:

    I have lost my son to suicide and want to join him.

    • AB says:

      I am so sorry! I too lost someone, my ex-husband, to suicide, and it is painful for me to think about even years later. I think to myself, is there something I could have done to stop it? He beat me daily, and treated me horrible, but I forgave him in my heart because you have to know that there’s something that person is struggling with that makes them so angry. I don’t have children, but I could NOT imagine loosing a child, and the pain you must feel! I know your son is looking down from where he is and saying he’s sorry for hurting you and that he loves and misses you more than you know!! I hope you find some kind of peace in your life, but don’t take the same route he did. He would tell you that. Just tell him every day how much you love him and miss him, because he will hear you! The pain will never go away, but it wasn’t your fault, and I promise you one day you will be with him again, just don’t hurt the ones that love you and make them go through the same pain that you live with every day.

    • doesnt matter says:

      Im sorry. That is why I am waiting for my old man to kick the bucket before I off myself

  69. Mark says:

    I wish that I was dead

  70. ..... says:

    I JUST WANNA BREAK OUT LIFE

  71. Rebecca says:

    People don’t understand the pain. Buck up..Be grateful..Count your blessings.. Stop complaining.Change your way of thinking..Think of those left behind.. Really? The pain is unbearable..I’ve done the therapy..prescription medications.Nothing works.. I don’t want sympathy.. I’m not looking for attention..I just want the pain to stop. I’m sure that people who truly suffer from years of depression without any relief or temporary relief ..only to have the depression return with an avalanche of darkness upon them..understand..how..I feel.

    • caron says:

      Yes, your words ring so true with me. My mum spoke to me recently and these are her words exactly “I KNOW depression, but fortunately I can count my blessings and pull myself out of it”
      It is this complete lack of understanding that just goes to show the level of ignorance and the infliction of even greater damage this mentality causes.
      I defy anyone to ‘KNOW depression”.
      You either HAVE depression or you don’t.
      Sending you love and the cold comfort that you have a fellow sufferer who absolutely gets you x

    • Edward says:

      I understand just how you feel

    • Jeramiah says:

      I know the pain. I don’t want it anymore.

  72. Elizabeth says:

    I am sick of myself I just wanna go to sleep and die and don’t wake up I am tired of this , I am tired of all the people especially my family I’m sick of all of them it’s how I feel I’ve been feeling like this for months I try to take my life but I guess I’m not doing a good job but I don’t want to live I have this in my mind every day when I wake up sometime I cannot even sleep my husband asked me if everything OK I tell him yes I just couldn’t sleep instead I’m having trouble going to sleep I had to take pills to go to sleep I take two or three but I wake up in six hours

    • Anonymous says:

      Dear Elizabeth
      I don’t who you are ,either you don’t know me.But to say honestly I am really fed up with my life.I barely have any friends.Years back I was always with friends at school and at college,but now I am alone at home and it’s like I am all alone.Even I do not have a boyfriend .My ex had cheated on me who I love alot .So I really have trust issues and it’s not like I can start love anyone else except him anymore.I have big stress with my studies and financially too.My famjly problems are also a burden to me.I do not want to be a burden to my family by telling all those things and I do not want to go to marriage life.I am afraid that I will ruin my partner’s life also by being married to him and not being loyal to him .There are times that I have decided to go to a monastery .But it’s not easy to do with my family since I am the eldest of my family and can not just neglect my family that easily.So I think the best way is to commit suicide .I don’t want to tell these things to anyone because no one actually care and mainly because I don’t want to be a burden to them .Everyone is struggling with their own problems.

      • Linda Straubel says:

        Just trying to understand your logic here: if going to a monastery is neglecting your family, as you say, how can suicide NOT be neglecting them? You seem to have closed out all your options except for suicide, but, to me, this contraction shows that you’re not thinking clearly. You’re making the assumption that you can’t talk to anyone about your issues because “no one actually cares.” How do you know that? Is it possible that this assumption is also part of your skewed thought process? If your family is dependent on you as the eldest son, wouldn’t that mean that they must care about what you do? And, yes, everyone is struggling with their own problems, but that doesn’t mean they can’t listen to and understand yours. Try something different, as you have dug yourself into a rut. As to losing all faith in marriage because your first spouse cheated on you, well, so did mine, multiple times. After the divorce, and a relationship with a boyfriend, who ALSO cheated on me, I took a 4-year break, fell in love again, this time with someone who would never cheat on me, and 18.5 years later, we’re still happily (mostly) married. What’s happened to you may have been beyond your control, but giving up is not beyond your control. You might consider online counseling; I think it would help you.

    • caron says:

      I understand elizabeth . I feel exactly the same xx

    • Anonymous says:

      I hope you get better

  73. Anonymous says:

    I honestly think it would be better if I died but I know that this will affect others around me so a word of advice that’s coming from a kid. think of those who love you and do your best to not dwelve into the dark pit of dispare.

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Anonymous – It’s a brave and noble decision to spare others your “dark pit of despair”; however, I hope that, in the process of staying alive for others, you learn to appreciate that you have others who care. There might also be other positive factors in your life that you’re not considering. Finally, there are sources of help, such as online counseling. If you tell yourself that it can’t help, consider this wise advice I got from a friend: “Don’t believe everything you think.” Do some reality testing before falling prey to dark thoughts; they might not be true, in other words.

    • David says:

      I know so well the pain and pointlessness, the feeling of wishing to end it all the dark black place that seems to be the only place that makes sense, I’ve had depression for many years people have no idea how hard it is to pull your self out of that black pit, it’s like I’m hanging by a thread. You can’t talk about it if you do, you get think of all the suffering in the world or people in hospital waiting hoping to get better yes yes I get that and hate myself even more I would love to be able to donate any parts of my body to help people who need them to get better all I ask is to be put to sleep, all you ever see is greed and fighting people killing people or killing the planet I don’t want to be part of it anymore I’m getting so tired of it all day after day what is the point of life . I hope people here understand how I feel,

      • Lisa says:

        No how you feel.wake up every day wish could be free from it all.there so many horrible things happening so much cruelty an abuse an neglect.an so much hate. We don’t see the good in the world. I no thre are good people who do amazing things for other creatures but for everything good something bad happens or it seems that way it like fighting a losing battle.each day gets harder

  74. K says:

    I feel I’ve failed my family, girlfriend and kids. I don’t want to keep being a burden

  75. Paul says:

    Yes I have tried. I just wake up with ems trying to wake me up. Then I get fucking mad that I did wake up. The worse feeling the world is waking up alive. 13 times I tried. All the doctors tell I should have died. Then I say God didn’t want me neither did the devil. So go to bed wishing I would with covid. Ask god if you let me die and let someone live I will do it. Again in bed wishing I never wake up. I would give up my soul if I have one. I would give it to the Devil if he would take it

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Paul, Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it does occur to me that if you tried 13 times and still woke up alive every time, maybe part of you wants to live. Try listening to that part instead of the mantra that says you want to die. Putting aside the issue of God and the Devil not wanting you, what is it that makes you want to live? There must be something. You have reached out to people on this site, including Dr. Freedenthal, so maybe you’re not as hopeless as you think. Please try to figure that out and don’t give up. There may come a day when you’re happy you did not succeed.

    • rachel says:

      Hi Paul, I’m sorry you are in so much pain & this will probably be of no use to you .
      but it scared me to see you would offer yourself to the devil.
      I feel you have some sort of belief in the after life if you mention god and the devil .
      i think we are spiritual beings having a human experience , whatever our experience is ..good ..bad , painful .I think it all has lessons for our souls .
      I am not trying to be all religious on you , but as you have mentioned God and the devil , you must know that eternity with the devil won’t be good .
      life is hard ,painful sometimes and lonely , I know only too well myself .
      whatever you choose to do and I hope it’s to find strenght to carry on , maybe god has a purpose for your life and you just haven’t got there yet .
      listen to this guy on YouTube..Wayne dyer ..spiritual solution to every problem .it might not help but it’s worth a listen .
      I wish you well .

    • Jamie says:

      ❤️ hang in there, that all we can do..

  76. ROXY says:

    YES I JUST WANT TO SLEEP FOREVER

  77. James says:

    I don’t want to die I just enjoy the thought, A lot of the time my life takes a turn for the worse, I am a optimistic person but it feels as if the whole world just wants to drag me down no matter how hard I struggle and keep my chin up.
    Recently I’ve been feeling hopeless as all my attempts at happiness and a brighter future turn out for the worse. Today I am really down, I was aware of my thought that the only thing I look forward to was eating and sleeping and how nice it would be to never awake a way end all my suffering.

  78. Nadia says:

    I am now middle aged and I have struggled with thoughts of not belonging my whole life. I recently gave up working with my partner’s blessing as I would come home every night with the same petty issues about the place for years. I had to get out as it was not a good place for even a mentally healthy person to work.
    … . Now it doesn’t seem to matter what I did at work or at home now. My partner makes comments they are supporting my lifestyle choice because they have to, not because they wanted to. What I thought was a chance to reset has become a new trap. I was happy at home for a few weeks but now I feel inconsequential or a burden that no one needs or wants me except my cat. I’ve applied for jobs but no one wants a middle aged worker. My beloved cat of 19 years is at the end of his life. When he goes I feel like there is nothing left to hang around for. Family and very few good friends, none of them bother with me despite me trying to reach out even to say hi. I understand they have their own lives but they don’t hear me when I try to talk to them about anything. It’s like I don’t matter. I’ve tried counselling and meds but this doesn’t help my mood for long. I slip back into a numbness with occasional bouts of sadness and loneliness. Now feeling when the cat goes I want the vet to put me to sleep too.

    • Rebecca says:

      I totally understand..I had to quit my job.I was sexually assaulted at work..I had been raped as a teenager.. My dad was a raging alcoholic.. We won’t go into the experience ..I had with him.I have a rare genetic disease .. I got disability a year ago .. I can’t live off of it.. I have my ederly mom living with me..Mom has dementia & is legally blind. We live in a small country town where rent is cheaper.. No one comes to visit or calls us.. Everyone s too busy with their own lives. I go through the same routine everyday.. I get absolutely no support from family or friends. I’m only sticking around to take care of my mom. I thought..about..putting her in nursing home & then ended my life
      I’m only staying alive to take care of her. I did adopt a dog last year..I love him dearly.. He is truly my only comfort &companion . I have a daughter who is 27 years old.. I was an excellent mom. .. I lived for that girl.. She was my greatest blessing.I never thought of suicide while.I was raising her..She moved away..& over the years grew more distant .. It’s painful .. She seems to be indifferent to my need for company. I have no one.. She knows of my last suicide attempt in February of 2018.. I have 3 prior attempts.. She doesn’t know about.. I had my first attempt at 17 ..& 53 my last attempt was at 58.. I did get out of emotionally abusive relationship that lasted 33 yrs . I’m tired of living.. I hate to see morning come.. I want out.. No one knows the how hard it is to mentally & physically make it through the day. I’ve tried praying..meditation..motivational websites.. therapy..prescription medications.. I’m screaming on the inside from so much pain. I set a date.. I hope..for the sake of mom & daughter..I can keep myself alive.. I don’t want anyone to feel guilty or cause heartache.. I just want the pain to stop.. Not working..& not having social contact has made the situation even mote more isolating .& throw covid into the mix..

      • Susan says:

        I know,but don’t have the guts.I have the worst selfish husband in the world.I stayed with him for the kids,now grandkids who don’t give a shit….tried therapy and moving….he used all my money,ungrateful bastard…..just worried about himself…..was in love with his disgusting mother….let him make my life miserable..

        • Lynn says:

          I say I’m ok, when I’m drowning inside,, the loneliness is so real, you could be surrounded with 1,000 people in the room and still feel, anonymous…..my heart breaks and all I can do is say…I’m ok

      • Edward says:

        I feel the same ,I’m only 36 but I feel your years of pain, it’s so very sad your daughter is now distant that must hurt a lot , I wish I had a dog , I live in a small house though and have 2 children 12 and 2 .I guess one day they will up and leave me as I think they can see I am now Depressed and angry at the world , I have no real friends and work a crap job with a 2 hour commute all round daily . I never get anywhere in life and feel my kids will see I’m a failure as they get even older . It wasn’t supposed to be this way , my life was not supposed to be like this but the feeling of hating myself and being so sad and unhappy all the time is draining and makes me feel sick , I’d love to go back to when I was a kid with all that innocence . But I’ll never get to feel that again . I guess this is it for me . No way out of these walls in my head , it’s a very very lonely sad place and I don’t want to be in there anymore . Why did my life have to end up like this .

        • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

          Edward,

          I’m sorry you’re hurting like this. Self-hatred is its own intense hell because you can’t escape the person who hates you. I certainly can’t diagnose you from afar or based on a single online comment, but I will tell you that some of what you describe represents symptoms of depression. Depression is treatable with therapy, medication, even self-help tools like exercise and mindfulness meditation. If you’re not already getting help or using self-help, I hope you’ll consider doing so. Here are a couple books that might prove useful (I do not get a commission or anything like that):

          Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself

          The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression without Drugs

          Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy

          Of course, there are many, many other books. If you find something that helps you, please let us know. And I hope you do find something that helps you. Thanks for sharing here.

  79. Anonymous says:

    I hope to go to sleep and never wake up, this is my mantra as you would say now most nights, it’s more often now as I suppose I just want things to end. I am my mothers sole carer, who has been Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, plus she had a really bad accident in 2016, which left her with mobility issues, she also had a swelling on the brain, which prob contributed to the Alzheimer’s, it’s damn hard especially as she forgets I’m her daughter, I know it’s going to get worse so I’d rather end it now. It’s just me and her now, my sister, who is a recovering alcohol is not much use and lives miles away, and my brother the one I’m most closest too emigrated to Australia with his girlfriend, I don’t blame him really but I feel he’s out of the picture as he is alone over there surrounded by his girlfriends big family. That and I might feel and will lose my full time job, as lately I suppose because of this I’m making huge serious errors at work, as they keep telling me and have disciplinary warnings twice, so another and they have told me they will let me go, I really don’t want to lose that as it took me four years to get, but I know I will. I just feel my life at the moment is crap and I can’t do anything right or hold down anything good in my life, please please god I just want it to end.

    • Anonymous says:

      Oh honey. I am in my seventies, mother of two and I know if your mom were in her right mind she would want you to live your life as best you could. There is a whole world out their waiting for you . There are places for her to be cared for better than you can. ~I know it is heartbreaking for you but it is for the best for her & you. I think she would want you to be free as I would not want to be a burden upon my children. You know you’ve done everything you can. Free yourself & her NO GUILT ~Know she will be in a better place

  80. Darek says:

    Nothing more I want . Don’t enjoy the life , everything seems struggle feel constantly down . Live like on autopilot. I just want it to end. I feel so so mentally and physically exhausted.

    • Tom says:

      Hey dude! Please find a focus or a goal to work towards – something positive to think about. I have had these kind of thoughts and found that if i focus on helping other people or work towards a small goal then these type of thoughts disappear. You will soon find your worth by helping others. You are special and unique -everyone has a superpower -i know you have one -go and find it.

  81. Tim C says:

    Yes, I do just want to go to sleep and never wake up.

  82. S A A. says:

    Well, it’s hard for me to open up to anyone actually since my anxiety got worse this year so I guess I’m just afraid of opening up now and I hate that, like I really do want open up but it stops me and I really can’t handle this pain I’m handling, it been almost 5 years, I still have Depression, Anxiety, Ptsd, Dysthymia and much more, and I just want it to go away, every since I was 1st grade, my life been fucked up, I smoked, cutting myself, I been sexual abuse, I did drugs, I got bullied, I almost killed myself but someone’s held hand for me to hang on and they died three years later to suicide, my house got on fire when I was 9, I been in car accidents, I even got lost in city I don’t know, I had people that I thought they will never betray me but they did haha… Even now, two weeks later, my step- father called me failure and… my mother agreed, and now I’m here still suffering like always, I got in therapy but it isn’t doing anything, and now online school had gave me a lot stress and getting overwhelmed more, and now I feel alone, no one to help me, no one to realize that I can’t hang on much longer, I really don’t want to go, I just wanted to help future that I can say it’s perfect for me, but the more hang on, the more lose sight on that future… Maybe I’m being too dramatic but I’m not to be honest, I really want help… thanks for reading this, I know wasted ur time but I just needed to get something out… 🙂

  83. Brenda says:

    I’m in this right now diagnosed with bipolar but that’s not the issue it’s the damn depression it’s killing me. I attempted suicide 3 times and although I have good support and a great doctor , I feel that it’s not enough to go on. Depression will beat you until there’s nothing left to live for.

  84. Genesis says:

    I always was a cheerful child but while growing and at 4-5 years old I started to notice things, observed and realizing things…words. I became homeschooled at 6 and a half, about to be 7 because we were moving a lot, parents fighting a lot, money was struggling, and family wars. I then got trauma, PTSD, anxiety. By 11+ I started to think of suicide, self-harming, and more… I couldn’t do anything for my family while we were sleeping in our car, so I felt hopeless. Then I started cutting because as I still remember my brother told “everything is your fault” so I cut for punishment. Though even now I stopped I’m back at it, cause now it’s not that it was my fault but that I’m worried about myself, I feel insane. anxious, suicidal, and empty. I’m lonely as well, nobody listens to me so this is really hard for me, cause not just that I have a crazy mother that she is so unpredictable like I don’t know what she could say/do to me. I’m always locked up and barely go out. though i’d just be happy by talking to someone. Need help.

  85. Jrob says:

    I wish I would just die. My complete life is a failure. I have never felt like I belong anywhere and I don’t understand why? I am about to go through a third divorce. My children don’t really deal with me and I have no friends. I am currently unemployed—had to resign from my job due to health issues. Two weeks before Christmas my wife stated she no longer wanted to live with me and she wanted a divorce. She said either I leave or she would leave. I left my home and currently living with my mother. 50 years old no money, no friends, no support, homeless, depressed, angry and frustrated. I wish I would just die!!!!!!!!!

    • Anonymous says:

      Growing up I quickly discovered that my mom didn’t like me and she treated me different than my siblings. I never knew why until a couple years ago…..I gave her a puppy and she stated boy I do not want a black dog and she continued about how the black puppy was ugly. She hated me because I was dark complexion. Nothing positive only failures. Your site stated that there’s no difference between wanting to kill yourself and just wanting to die. I guess time will tell

      • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

        Anonymous,

        That’s a lot to deal with on your own – feeling or being unloved by your mother, and, if you’re correct, for such a baseless reason. Do you have someone you can talk to (or are talking to) already about all of this? I hope so. If not, please consider calling the national lifeline at 800-273-8255 or texting the crisis text line at 741741.

        To clarify, there is a difference between wanting to kill yourself (“active” suicidal thoughts) and wanting to die (“passive” suicidal thoughts) – those thoughts and feelings are about two different things. Research suggests, though, that the risk for attempting suicide is the same whether a person’s suicidal wish is active or passive.

        Thanks for sharing here!

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Jrob,

      Your circumstances and your emotions sound so very painful. You’re dealing with feelings of grief, rejection, sadness, anger, and inadequacy, while also challenged by unemployment, estrangement from your children, a lack of friends, and homelessness. I can only imagine how desperate you must feel. I hope you’re getting some kind of help, or will soon. This is a lot to deal with alone. Thanks for reaching out here.

      • Calling you out! says:

        I think this is the same person writing all these entries. I understand you desire to help, but truth is what sets us free, not a do-gooder. Be honest and true in all that you do. I wish you well.

        • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

          “Calling you out,”

          I have indeed written all the posts on this site, and I’ve written all the comments with my name attached to them. Everything else comes from other people.

          Thank you for the well wishes! And I wish you the same.

    • Beau says:

      You are not alone. I wish I could offer a solution. I cannot. Only solidarity.
      I’m just trying to power through my daily disappointments.
      Surely there is path out of this sh*t as there was into it. I remind myself that alive>dead, as much as “alive” sucks donkey balls.

  86. Anonymous says:

    Looking at my life I have been a failure and nothing but hurting every one. I am tired of trying to go on. My father didn’t want me. I just want to go to sleep and stop breathing.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Anonymous,

      Those thoughts and feelings hurt so much. I’m sorry. I’m struck by how all-or-nothing you’re thinking is. You say you’re a failure and you’ve hurt *every* one. I don’t know you, but I suspect there are some people you haven’t hurt and some things you haven’t failed at. This kind of all-or-nothing thinking can be a symptom of depression, PTSD, and other problems, so I hope you’ll consider getting help if you’re not already doing so. There are treatments available that can help you to feel better, cope with your pain, and see things more realistically, including changes you can make. And please remember, when your mind is being mean to you, you don’t have to believe everything you think.

  87. Anonymous says:

    I think from the outside people think I have it all. I’m 27, a boyfriend, a warm family, friends, a nice job. But truth is.. I’m a very sad person and think about dying a lot. I tried to talk to a therapist but since I’m so good at putting on my “happy mask” she thinks it’s nothing to worry about. I try to hide it because if she actually knew how often I think about death… I feel she will worry. I don’t want people to worry but I also feel so alone. I also feel that I’m not allowed to say I’m depressed because I should be thankful for what I have. I don’t want to die because I care too much about the people around me, but sometimes I wish it just happened. Reading these comments made me want to post. I feel less alone. Thanks to everyone who shared

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Dear Anonymous – Next time you’re in therapy, stop smiling, drop the mask, and TELL THE TRUTH. She can’t help you if she doesn’t know what’s going on with you. Stop being the hero; it is not your job to protect her feelings. Let her worry; she’s the professional and will know how to handle it. As it is, you are making it impossible for her to do her job. Thank you for sharing and be as honest with those who love you and are tasked with helping you as you are with the strangers posting on this site. Be well and good luck.

    • David says:

      I feel like I don’t want to go on but don’t have the courage to do anything about it.
      I am 59 and on my own. I should be grateful to be alive as alcohol abuse nearly ended my life 8 years ago.
      I want to drink again as I know the consequences that come with that.
      I feel like a failure and have achieved nothing.

  88. Annonymous says:

    I don’t want to die. I want to heal. For months, been calling every past therapist for assistance or referrals, doing my own online sourcing….. calls are either not returned or mental health professional not taking on new patients; PCP useless. Even started calling suicide “help” lines; the kind-hearted listener is kind and willing to listen, but not helpful to me. Lifelong PTSD survivor, abusive cheatin’ husband of two months, then two back-to-back concussions resulting in serious post concussive issues. Broken brain, broken heart, broken life, broken spirit. I have a plan, I have a method, and I’m putting my affairs in order. Once that last administrative task is complete, and my earnest search for a lifeline fails….finis! A sorrowful life ended. Peripheral casualty of overburdened healthcare system and the misfortune of being born to truly crappy parents who couldn’t escape their own crappy parents.

  89. Anonymous says:

    For years I have thought about looking up into the sky and seeing an asteroid the size of Alaska headed for Earth. Knowing I would die and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop it. The feeling of total loss of control is refreshing. You can’t run, you can’t hide. Just accept the inevitable and try to enjoy you remaining moments. No sense in getting angry, or sad, or complaining. It is what it is. Grab a beer, light a cigar, and sit on your roof and watch it come in. Boom, lights out.

  90. Anonymous says:

    I hope I go peacefully to sleep tonight and never wake up.

  91. Bret says:

    People like me, who wish they were never born, should be rounded up and killed. I mean that. I would gladly let someone else kill me, since I wont kill myself, because I am nothing but a waste of whatever and a leech on limited planetary resources. Why continue to live, hating every second of it, when somewhere half way around the world, or even in the town that I live in, someone that wants to live is starving to death at this moment? What sense is that? Why does society want everyone to live? Why do you put us through that shit? Let us fucking go. And help us to do that. Dont punish us by making us live in this place, whatever the fuck it is. My one and only wish is to never have been born. Respect that, Dont just tell me Im wrong.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Bret,

      Thanks for sharing here. How very painful your words are to read. It must be exponentially more painful to feel the feelings that led you to write them. I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. It’s sad you believe that you should be rounded up and killed and that you are a waste. I appreciate that you shared here, and I hope you’re also talking with someone, or will soon, about how you feel. Even though your feelings of worthlessness might seem true to you, they can change. They’re a belief, not a fact. I hope that you discover reasons to believe differently about yourself and your life.

      • Bret says:

        I dont get it. Why would people who want to die, not be allowed to do so? The whole big thing now is conservation, go electric, recycle, etc. All of which is bunch of crap. The same cannot be said for planetary overpopulation. That is real. People like myself who want to die, should be praised for sacrificing themselves for the greater good of mankind. Removing an unnecessary leech on limited resources. But no, instead its keep corpses alive for a paycheck, and utterly unthinkable to terminate a willing, healthy mid aged man/woman. And if by some miracle that does happen, they starve us to death. Remember Terry Schaivo? I may have misspelled that. We are far from civilized.

    • Sorrow says:

      I would upvote this if I could. Death pills should be available for us.

  92. E says:

    I always thought that if you’ve no intent, as in you aren’t going to carry out the plans you have, it’s not considered suicidal.

    What would engaging in behaviours that theoretically could cause death, but never have to you, be called?

    • Linda Straubel says:

      E, I guess it would depend on the risk level. I’ve sky-dived a few times and look forward to doing it again. Some might consider that too risky and wonder about such issues as a death wish, but if you look at the stats and have qualified people folding the parachutes and instructing you, it’s really not that risky. On the other hand, golfing, which people consider extremely low-risk, gets a lot riskier in a thunderstorm with the threat of lightning. Scuba-diving in caves seems pretty iffy to me, but people do it all the time and most get out alive. There are cases where risk-taking is symptomatic of some sort of psychological problem or suicidal behavior, but, again, it depends on the risk level and the skill level of people indulging in those behaviors. Handled properly, risk taking is thrilling.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      E,

      It depends on the activities. Some behaviors that theoretically could cause death, like substance abuse and drunk driving, would be considered self-destructive. Others are recreational; Linda gave a good example with skydiving. I’d think of those kinds of behaviors as risky, but not necessarily self-destructive. It’s an interesting question. Thanks for posing it here.

  93. D S says:

    I am 48 years old & I have failed at everything. First marriage, couldn’t get him to pick me & my son over alcohol. In my 30’s I had CVA Stroke I couldn’t work anymore. That didn’t stop my then husband of drinking & violence. I filed for divorce which made me file bankruptcy. My son was 17 at the time & didn’t like when his Dad would drink. He’s 23 now & sleeps a lot, introverted & will not finish anything. While his friends are graduating college & marrying, he’s working part time & the rest of the time sleeping. I try talking to him & he is angry. Now I’m in darkness I want my son to be happy. I believe he may be like me, I didn’t finish college, I’ve failed at being a more assertive Mom, I’ve failed at my marriage, I’ve failed at my health, I’ve failed at money in all aspects. My family has helped me but I’ve always had it thrown in my face that they did this and that so I owe them every second of the day. I’ll never be able to pay them off, being disabled and I’ll never be able to make something of myself. I want to sleep and never wake up. I really hate myself. I’ve ruined my sons life. I’ve made him just like me. I’ll never forgive myself for any of this. I shouldn’t have ever married, had a child. Nothing. I hate myself.

    • Linda Straubel says:

      D.S. – You’re taking on a lot of other people’s failings and making them your own. I, too, was married to an alcoholic and learned to accept that it was his burden, not mine. He finally got sober, but I had to leave him anyway. There’s saying in AA: when you sober up a horse thief, what you get is a sober horse thief. LOL He didn’t steal horses, obviously, but he was still the same self-absorbed, lazy control freak sober as he had been drunk, just a lot less dangerous. But by then I’d had enough. I don’t look at that divorce as a failed marriage. I tried to make it work for 15 years and, as he himself admitted later, I was the only one working on the marriage. That was his failing, not mine. As to the alcoholism, it’s a disease and one he’s managed to finally fight to a standstill. Again, I did not make him an alcoholic and marrying him was not my failing either, as there was no way I could know at that point. It’s just the way it turned out, as with your CVA; that was not your failing. You did not fail at health; if anything, your body failed you. I think you and your son would benefit from counseling, as it seems you are both really good at internalizing the failings of others. As to your family helping you and torturing you for it, that is not your failing either. They’re tools. Take the help you need and ignore their bullsh*t. You have not ruined your son’s life; if anything, your alcoholic ex did that, but still, it’s not too late. Counseling can help you both, believe me. It made a world of difference for me to see my life from the perspective of a caring, knowledgeable professional. A famous philosopher once said, “No [one] can see around their corners.” An outside perspective is what you need now and there’s no better outside perspective than a professional. Trust me; it works.

    • Anonymous says:

      I’ve failed at everything also marriage parenting and having a social life I hate being around people but am severely lonely but I believe I’m addicted to hating myself

  94. Anonymous says:

    Just had enough of life

  95. I can’t remember ever going to sleep not wanting to sleep forever. That is except for those nights that I effectively drowned my feelings with alcohol or other drugs and was completely numb and perhaps near death anyway. Now I am just tired and wonder how I find the strength to get up each day and face the world that has rejected me for so long, and why, I have made a lot of contributions. At least so people tell me. I have given of myself when asked and even bleed for some, yet when I need help there is never anyone around. When I invite someone to coffee or to have a meal they are always busy. They don’t see how much that hurts. And that is the crux of it really isn’t it? The desire to escape that inescapable, abiding deep pain that robs you of any joy. No I don’t want to die I just want relief, and I don’t see how that is possible while there is still blood coursing through my veins and chemicals firing between my synapses.
    Now I lay me down to sleep with any luck I’ll never wake.

    • Rachel says:

      hello ..I am sorry you are feeling so low ,my advise to you would be , stop drinking and taking drugs , they are not going to do you or your mental state any good .
      As for people letting you down , I have been there , so what I did was i became my own best friend , and I took really good care of myself to the point of I don’t need anybody , but if someone does want to spend time with me , have a coffee or meal etc ..well then that’s great and I appreciate that time with them and enjoy .
      Everyone’s lives change , people move on they have different responsibilities to get on with as their lives grow and to be a good friend to them you need to accept that .
      loneliness is awful and very hard , but you need to try to find new interests and hobbies so you can move forward and grow in your life , no matter how old you are , it won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight , I still have bad days , but you got to try .
      focus on quitting the booze and drugs , maybe go to an AA meeting , focus on you .
      I wish you well , and I hope things work out for you .

  96. Lance says:

    I feel like I should not be here im 45 years old little life few friends loss job of 24 years parents who can make them happy. I feel damaged person. I feel damaged. I feel damaged and go on but nothing ever goes right for me. Why am I here? My damage can not be fixed.

    • Christine says:

      I’m also broken and beyond repair. I have no friends. The small family I have left doesn’t want me. I’m in physical and emotional pain all the time. I lost my therapist of 4 years due to insurance reasons.

      [This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Lance,

      I can hear how hurt and hopeless you feel. Are you getting any help? I highly recommend talking with a therapist, psychiatrist, crisis hotline, or all of the above. The feeling of being damaged and unfixable can be a sign of depression, post-traumatic disorder, and other treatable illnesses. Cognitive behavior therapy, medication, and more have helped many people. I list some options for psychotherapy in another article. To talk with someone immediately, please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. Please take care, and thanks for sharing here.

    • tim says:

      i have 2 elderly parents, the last 5 years have been hard, I would like to fall asleep and stay there, I wish you all well, do take care and I hope u can be happy

  97. Changuita garcia says:

    5 years ago my desire to live faded, after something that happen to me that scarred me for life.. changed me dramatically. Has consumed me, left me just thinking and feeling different about people and life. I use to be so strong and full of life, now my heart beats and this body moves but I’m dead inside. I really don’t want to be here anymore, I’m just tired, of all the bad in this world… It’s sad. Nothing for me here, I’m ready to go. I just don’t have the courage to take my own life away. Nothing or no one can help me get back together again, I’m broken.
    I don’t understand the reason or purpose for coming into this world, but one thing I know is that I will never ever see life the same again and what we grew up believing in about how human existence began and the religious part of it, now is a doubt to me. I always grabbed onto the seed of faith that was incoulted in me, but now even that is gone left with nothing now. What’s there to live for?

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Changuita – I am sorry for whatever happened to you five years ago and understand your feeling that life has lost all meaning for you. However, you don’t have to believe everything you think. In other words, your thoughts right now are a product of the change your trauma caused you, but you don’t have to believe these thoughts or act on them. Sometimes, our emotions overwhelm us and affect our thinking. You can fight back; you can answer back when your mind tells you life is worthless. What’s more, millions of people have either lost their faith in organized religion or were never inculcated with that faith. I for one have found my life worthy without such beliefs. There is still beauty in the world. Try getting “out of your own head” to recapture the love and wonder that this physical world can still offer. Try a virtual tour of a museum, which many are offering. Do some research into the amazing world of plants and animals and all their astounding adaptations to survive and thrive. Keep searching until you find something interesting enough to distract you from your certitude that life is meaningless. Ironically, I’ve found researching my own psychological issues have helped me to understand them and feel less ruled by them. Most of all, don’t give up on yourself or sell yourself short. Maybe what you think of now as a lack of courage to take your own life is actually that small voice within that tells you you’re wrong and that hope is not actually dead, just dormant. Finally, I’d advise you to find a counselor; many will work with you on a sliding scale that you can afford, if money is an issue. Dig deeper . . . below the dark thoughts. You might find the courage to go on that you don’t even know you have now. Give yourself and life a chance.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Changuita,

      What you describe sounds so very painful. It also sounds very much like symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Of course, I can’t diagnose that based on a single comment on an Internet post, but I can tell you that trauma can create feelings of numbness and isolation, change a person’s worldview, and cause them to see only the negative. If you haven’t already received help, I highly urge you to do. If you do have PTSD, know that it is treatable with cognitive-behavior therapy.

      Best wishes to you, and thanks for sharing here.

  98. Anonymous says:

    Wow I didn’t think this was a thing

  99. Anonymous says:

    Exactly how I’m feeling

  100. lee says:

    ok heres my stories, lets see what advice anyone has for me…

    im 32 male from uk. I have been a nomad (a member of a people that travels from place to place to find fresh pasture for its animals and has no permanent home, a person who does not stay long in the same place; a wanderer) my whole life, I feel like I have lived a thousand lives already, I have travelled all over the uk, Ireland and Europe, experienced things and seen things most people will never see, had a gf kill herself at 15 I found her, was with her 5 years, lost my dad in a accident in the 90s, in a relationship now for 4 years but on and off, I don’t get sex, affection, attention, anymore, her young kids call me dad or ‘lucy lee’, I have a hole that I cant replace with anything, (I have tried drugs, drink, adventures, sex, nothing fills it in), now I constantly think about lying in a coffin and I actually smile, no joke, I actually feel comforted by the thought of lying in a coffin sleeping forever, you know when you are soooo tired and all you can think about is your bed and you imagine whats it like to get into bed right now and the feeling is overwhelming? well that’s how I feel about sleeping forever. I have no friends, all my family abandoned me, my partners family I live with but im constantly reminded that its not my family, I have no purpose and no place I belong. please don’t tell me to go to the doctors or get counselling because I was past that 15 years ago! any advice would be great.

  101. lee says:

    this is me, actually smile when I think of myself in a coffin and knowing I will sleep peacefully forever.
    good article but you haven’t covered all the bases.
    for example what happens if you don’t have family or friends? im a nomad, have been my whole life, I’m 32 and have been feeling like this ‘passive suicidal thoughts’ for the past 20 years. its comforting when I think of lying in a coffin dead, I fantasize and even dream about lying in a coffin no more pain, troubles or any feeling and it brings a smile to my face. what is even more satisfying is how easy it is to overdose on something.
    you should add that into your article.

  102. Margaret says:

    I feel lost. Wish simply sleep and join my oldest son who died year ago. It was shock and i feel loss like it happened yesterday. I am 70 years old. Still working and dealing with alcoholic husband. Some time he stop for 2 weeks when he is already so tired that he can not walk. When he drinks he mentally abuse me. Nothing what’s i do is right. Screaming that neighbors hear everything. Few times i called police, but nothing happened to him. His son feel pity for him that he is sick and how could i call police on sick father. So here i am a bad one. I applied from the city for senior housing. I got a small apartment. I go there occasion . But i feel guilty that I leave my sick husband alone. He has seizures taking Diazepam , and other medicines. Don’t eat sometime whole week except drinking beers. He broke things arround the house. Things i bought with my money, New Tv, lamps, and other stuff. I am weak , I feel worthless. Good for nothing. I start cutting my hands that blood was running . This gave me some kind of relief. I dont want to kill myself, just naturally die. My son was also drinking like my husband. He was kicked out from the house, living on the streets of Detroit, Indianapolis. His father told him he is loser. And not like him who finished PhD , worked and now let’s himself to drink until he die. So my son last time when he came home from another treatment center, his father asked him: what you doing back home, you have to go back to another program. My son was in bad shape when i came home from work, next day he had very important appointment for green card. I asked my husband, that i will call 911, he told me not to, he will be better. So i did not. Till now and never I will not forgive myself that I did not call ambulance. At 4 am I found him on the floor dead. Ambulance crew was working on him for hours. Too late. Now I wish I can join him wherever he is. I went to psychic, she told me he is happy and will see me when the time comes. I hope its true. But I feel so guilty, I should have stood up against my husband and not let him kick my son from our house ever. I was weak. Years of abuse did that. I still have 4 children. They have their life. Daughter shows me lots of support. But she is in NY. I am in Michigan. Now I work until 11 pm and I am afraid to go home, that he will be drunk and start harassing me. My life is senseless.

    • H.McB says:

      Your life is not senseless. I am also in my 70s wondering if living longer is of any real use or value. Your story, your courage will help me keep going. So please remember you are of value. You have helped others. I wish that you may find some joy as you battle on.

  103. Anonymous says:

    thank you

  104. DCM says:

    I am on my way to a real dark place, I am so alone and don’t see any light. I have little to no money a cheating lying husband after 34 years and no way to fix anything. Its after 11 pm and he isn’t home again, I’m going crazy not knowing where he is or who he is with. He told me this morning he was done.

    • Linda Straubel says:

      DCM, I had a cheating, lying husband, too, the first time. He was also a bipolar, alcoholic control freak. Even after he got sober, finally, he was still a controlling asshat. When I left him, he was shocked. LOL It was hard. When I first decided to leave, I had nothing that I owned myself, not even a checking account or credit card, so I did some research and started by getting a part-time job and opening my own checking account. Then I started establishing my own credit history by applying for a department store credit card. Once I had those two baby steps, I found a small studio apartment and put in a down payment. Since I was afraid he’d react violently and/or start drinking again, I made secret plans to have about a third of what we owned together moved to my new place. If he’s already said, “I’m done,” I don’t think there’s anything left in the marriage to hold onto or repair. He’s done, so you have to be done, too. His evil does not define you; it’s his and his alone. My best advice is to create a plan and start moving forward on it. It may take awhile to get ready to leave, but I still think it’s your best option.

    • Molly says:

      Tell him you’re MORE than done. No one should treat you like that. I’d rather be alone and living in a cardboard box then to have someone gaslight you like this.

      A dark place is a dark place but you are living with yours.

      Just leave him. Go to a shelter. They will have programs to set you up with a part-time job (if that’s doable), keep a roof over your head. And they can get you into transitional housing. I know it’s scary, but think of how depleted you are right now. And he won’t stop. He knows he can get away with it and you’ll be sitting at home when he decides to return. Leave, and show him you’re nobodies doormat.

      I wish you the best.

    • Anonymous says:

      I don’t know if you are still looking for a job. I know this is remote and part-time-https://boards.greenhouse.io/warbyparker/jobs/2017931. My advice is to leave him. He doesn’t bring out the best in you and that’s what life partners are for. He doesn’t deserve you and you should be happy.

      • Andrea says:

        I went to apply for that job but it does say this

        ”This is a remote role. However, you must be able to commute to our Downtown Nashville office.”

        So yes it’s work at home, but you have to be in the Nashville area.

    • lee says:

      hi, I’m sorry to hear that, I’m in a similar place myself, male 32.
      would love to swap stories?

  105. Annie says:

    I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here who was so kind. Good luck. ~ Annie

  106. Renee says:

    The last part of this article is completely useless! We don’t Want to find a way to keep living, we want a way to passively die! That’s why we are googling this question. We all don’t want to be saved. Many of us who have mental illnesses have given up on cures, many of us have suffered nearly our entire lives. Its no different than a serious medical condition that causes unrelenting pain and an inability to enjoy life. This is something the medical compresses to understand. Its our bodies, its our serve. We alone should be able to make the decision to live or die with no repercussions. Everytime read a story about someone saving someone else who is trying to commit suicide I wonder if that person who was saved felt good about it or was pissed about it. And people always applaud the “heros” that stepped in to help. In my mind its a personal issue. And nobody else has the authority to stop a person from exercising there rights. The only exception I take to this rule is children and teenagers. They have not developed enough mentally or intellectually to make rational decisions in these matters and intervention is absolutely appropriate.

    • rachel says:

      Hi Renee, I would just like to say to you , I don’t agree .
      when I joined this site , I really wanted to die , I was in so much emotional pain from my early childhood to my late 40s .
      my life has taken a turn in a positive way , I feel I am healing .
      I am so glad I didn’t take my life .
      I think (some ) people who are on this site are in so much pain, they want the pain to stop.. not their lives .

      • Linda Straubel says:

        Rachel, Your response to Renee is well-put. What’s interesting to me is the hostility toward this site and the doctor’s article, as if the anger they feel at their lives gets re-directed to anyone who tries to help them. Clearly, if Renee does sincerely want to end her life, there are sites that will advise her on how to do so. The sad thing about grief and depression is that, and I know this from personal experience, it often gets expressed as extreme anger that alienates anyone who might be able to help them feel better. For me, it’s sometimes part of the downward spiral that becomes obsessive. On the other hand, I am so glad you found this site and the doctor’s advice helpful and I am equally glad that you stuck around until things got better. I’ve been there, and, I, too am so grateful I stuck around. I guess I was lucky enough to have just enough of a core of optimism that survived everything negative that ever happened to me.

        • Rachel says:

          Linda I think Renee’s hostilty against the site is again to do with how much pain she is feeling &just lashing out .
          thank you for your kind words , nothing has really changed in my life only my way of thinking ..it’s a bit more positive and long may it last , I suppose reading some stories here has made me realise I have a lot , I have a lovely home, a good job and I am healthy , so I am trying to make the most of what I do have, rather than what I don’t have

      • Linda Straubel says:

        Rachel, I’m using the Reply button to your next-to-the-last post, as the last one doesn’t have a Reply button. I’m noticing this on more posts lately. Be that as it may, I agree and your attitude is helpful. Lately, although I’m stuck at home most of the time, I look around and am grateful for my home and my supportive husband.

        • Rachel says:

          Linda, that is wonderful you have a supportive husband .I’m sure you are as equally supportive to him .
          that’s really nice .
          it’s hard to keep positive during covid , I think it will effect lots of people mentally too , lose of jobs etc .
          please god it will end soon .

        • Linda Straubel says:

          Rachel, me, too. I am worried about the way Annie left. It sounded like she was giving up. Her life has been so hard, it’s hard to figure out how to give her hope for the future. I hope we hear from her again.

      • Linda Straubel says:

        Rachel, I think we’re all going more than a little crazy with all that’s going on, including the virus. Although there are a few vaccines being studied, none of the studies include children, which means vaccines for children will take even longer than mid-2021, which is the earliest prediction I’ve read. We all need each other’s support to get through it. This site, for one, helps, I believe.

        • Rachel says:

          yes Linda this site does help , I don’t even remember how I got on it , but I know I was in my deepest despair at the time .
          I was thinking of leaving the site , but might stay on a little longer .I would really like to hear Annie is ok .

      • Doesn’t matter says:

        Try living through physical pain In your body and screaming sirens surrounding your head 24/7 which can’t be drownEd out with anything and physically can’t live with anymore suffering. Having no sleep, not being able to communicate, or engage. Spasmed in pain, and being dismissed by so called health care since it’s all post Covid. When there is no hope, no moments of silence or pain free and your suffering in ways no one can understand just to be told this could be your life forever… I’m coming up to 7 months of pure torture and can’t find any relief. The only thing that scares me of dying now is how it is going to affect my family and how much I miss those I love not being able to connect in ways I once did. But if this is life , there’s no way I can carry on in this pain and torture anymore.

        • Rachel says:

          I am so sorry you are in such physical pain .And I wouldn’t like to be in that situation, I can’t imagine how awful you must feel .I am so sorry .

    • E says:

      What about if you could live WITHOUT constantly wanting to die?

  107. Annie says:

    Linda, again there was no way to reply to your last comment directly, so I hope you get this. I do not have a computer, only my phone.
    As far as a caregiver job, the only way I have gotten the ones I have are there is no pay involved. I work to have a room. I have not been financially compensated, and I have not gotten a day off since 2016. I work 24/7, even Christmas and my birthday.
    My last husband was very ill, bed ridden for the last 2 years we were together. Its another long story Im not up to going into, but I was an army medic, so have limited, basic medical knowledge and training.
    The man I am currently living with (who’s mother I cared for) has been very sick since last Thursday. He was admitted to the hospital and released the next day. He was seen by the doctor yesterday and we are waiting on labs. He had a kidney transplant 11 years ago, and he is not doing well. I “guess” now Im taking care of him.
    I may have said this, but I had my own business from 1999-2006 when my then husband got sick. I made $60 an hour. My business suffered and eventually folded. Over the next 5 years, I couldn’t do much of anything due to his daily visits to doctors, the ER and hospital stays. I actually lived at a hospital for 6 months with him during his illness.
    He got somewhat better in 2011, and then walked out on me. Another long story. So with the huge gap in employment, and companies not really recognizing you as your own reference, the severing of ties with my entire family, and now working only for a roof over my head leaves nothing for a resume, and at my age…..well, lol, Im not able to find a job. Add my physical limitations which decline more every day, Im not really sure I could do much of a job. I sleep very little, I cry all the time, my sciatica makes it difficult to stand or walk. I have neuropathy so bad I lost the use of my left foot and soon after, the use of my right hand for 6 months. The pain is constant. Blah, blah. I know….
    Anyway, at the hospital and doctors office the man Im staying with (btw, there is nothing romantic between he and I….I don’t want a man) he totally lost it, almost passing out when they took blood. I said, “now you know how I feel when I see a bug, lol!!”

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Annie, Sorry I didn’t get back to you right away. I’m not ignoring you, I just don’t know what else to say. Your problems are so overwhelming I’m out of suggestions. Are there any free clinics you can go to? Some social work department? If you tell me what to look for, I’ll do some Google searches for you, but, frankly I don’t know where to start.

      • Annie says:

        Linda, thank you once again for reaching out. At least you understand how I feel. “Overwhelmed” is an excellent word for it.
        I tried the Community Service Board a few times. The last time about 2 years ago. I couldn’t stop crying. Some very young woman, maybe 20 tops, was who I saw. Obviously a student, I poured my soul out for maybe 5 minutes, sobbing uncontrollably. Her response was ” what would you like to accomplish in our sessions?”
        I walked out feeling more hopeless, and totally humiliated. It was like trying to put a bandaid in a gaping wound. I couldn’t see beyond that moment, much less set goals for the future. Now, I don’t think Dr Phil could help me.
        At one point, years ago, I started drinking, heavily drinking. I felt I couldn’t make it thru the night without a large bottle of wine.
        Now, I seldom drink, and when I do, its 2 beers with lunch with the man Im staying with. I haven’t been drunk in over 5 years, and I have no desire to be. I think I mainly drank before just to sleep, and alleviate pain.
        Now, I feel like most others here…and the topic being discussed. If I could just go to sleep, and not wake up. I don’t want another failed suicide. I don’t want to wake up in yet more pain. I want the pain to stop, and its never going to until I die.
        There really is no help out there, Ive searched for years. No one can truly understand someone else’s pain.

        • Molly says:

          My therapist understands my pain. She can’t solve my problems but she relates very well to the pain I feel. My first therapist was a disaster. She would say things like ”Let a smile be your umbrella” and she would tell me not to be so negative. I was severely depressed and suicidal. Luckily my 2nd therapist turned out to be wonderful. She truly cares and has bent over backwards to help me. I’m still depressed, I still have some suicidal ideation. But I know I have someone to talk to, to unload to and she has some wonderful insight into my issues. She has helped me tremendously. Please don’t stop at one bad therapist. I wish you the best.

  108. Annie says:

    I keep waiting. I guess for some turn of events where my life may improve. Truth is, nothing ever gets better, only worse…worse, worse. Im 59 years old. All of my dreams have past, and I have no more dreams. Im too old. I am simply surviving, not living this life. I have no friends, no family, no one who would remotely miss me. I cannot sleep, I am in constant pain emotionally and physically. Nothing gives me any pleasure.
    With this pandemic, everything is that much harder. The world has turned into a very ugly place. I have tried over and over to find help, but that’s a joke. There is no help, there never has been. Mine is not depression, mine is simply being beaten up by this world since the day I was born, thrown away, adopted by people who used me as an accessory, never loved. I guess that is the problem…a life without a single person ever loving me. I pray every day to die….just die and ending this constant struggle.

    • Rachel says:

      Hi Anne , I am really sorry you are feeling so bad .I think as older age comes , life does get harder , but 59 is not so old .
      I feel the same sometimes and have really bad days .you should try listen to some positive stuff . I listen to Wayne Dyer on YouTube as I am falling asleep and I have found it has made some small changes in my thoughts .
      I am naturally a very negitive person , but listening to him over time has changed my thoughts .
      when you dont have anyone who cares about you , care about yourself , love yourself , you are all you need .help someone with a charity even if it is just once a month , it will make you feel better , give you a purpose.
      Sadness , loneliness is an awful thing not fitting in , I have lived it most my life , but you may nave another 30 years here on this earth, do 1 small thing this week to make a change ..even if it’s a small walk on your own & tell yourself how great you are for making it this far .

      • Annie says:

        Rachel, I am new and not familiar with the way this site works. I just saw your reply, so I hope you didn’t feel ignored. I appreciate your input.
        I try to do something every day to make things a bit better. I crochet. I make all these afghans, only to throw them in the trunk of my car, but keeps my hands busy.
        I don’t walk since i had to surrender my dog when i moved in my car. I don’t live in a very nice area, and walking can be dangerous. I don’t have room to exercise, and my music mostly makes me sad now, reminding me of better times or people who have hurt me. Stupid, I know…but just how I feel.
        Unfortunately, it seems food has become my only bright spot. I don’t eat a lot, but I eat junk, its easier.
        I think every night, “tomorrow Ill go to a nursery, or farm stand”. Just to get out and browse, get some fresh mask filtered air. But tomorrow comes and I don’t go because I know it will hurt I cant afford to buy something. Plus, its gas I need to save.
        Depression warps your mind into overthinking everything until your mind feels so heavy, your body doesn’t want to move. Sciatica makes it that much worse, and fibromyalgia makes it nearly impossible now.
        59 maybe, but I feel so much older.

        • rachel says:

          dear Annie, I am so sorry things are so bad for you, it’s heart breaking to think you are homeless. I wish I could help you personally. I live in a different country to you so it’s not possible for me to come help you. if you would like to give your email address maybe I could contact you directly and see if I can help in some small way.

          Don’t give up. you can see by the replys you are getting, that people do care.

        • Andrea says:

          Donate your beautiful afghans to Animal Rescues. Those homeless kitties and dogs will have something soft to lay on.

    • Linda S. Straubel says:

      Annie, I’m sorry you’re in such physical and emotional pain and have no one to help you. I think we had similar backgrounds, having been raised by people who neither valued nor loved me. But I guess the difference for me was being born with a very defiant spirit and, as soon as I could, I set out to make a life for myself that was the opposite of what I’d been given, left home, educated myself and looked for love. Most of my attempts to find love failed, at least partly, because what I’d endured didn’t really equip me for success, so I had to learn the hard way. I’m older now, 70, and retired and, looking back, I see that I had friends and lost them, partly through moving around, partly through their dying, but also partly because I wasn’t always nice enough to keep them and people get tired of dealing with the unreasonable anger I carried around. I don’t know if any of this helps, but while it’s always been hard for me to reach out to people, I’ve managed to become part of a few groups and to create a successful second marriage. I also got help. I’ve been to therapy with several different therapists and can’t overstress how much that helped. It doesn’t have to cost a lot; the last time, I told the therapist how much I could afford to spend and that was her fee. There are always therapists out there willing to charge what you can afford. I’d try that if I were you. 59 is not too old to change, put yourself out there, find a professional to help you. But, I’m not the professional here. If I were you, I’d also address my questions directly to Dr. Freedenthal, the therapist who hosts and administers this site.

      • Annie says:

        I really appreciate your response. At least someone acknowledged me. I set out several times to make a life for myself. I joined the army. I thought i would gain job skills to carry with me, be successful. Instead, I got pregnant by my first husband who turned out a drug addict.
        I was put to bed for 6 months of my pregnancy with toxemia. After having the baby, I stayed inactive. I got an honorable discharge, but that’s all.
        Then i took adult learning classes, got a job. Did pretty good for my son and myself. Then pregnant again. I almost lost the pregnancy early on after a severe attack and beating from my second husband. The baby was born premature. Nine months later after I became pregnant again after my husband brutally raped me and tried to kill me.
        With 3 children, I went to college, starting school with the staples from my c-section still in, taking 17 to 19 credits a semester, but got an associates degree. It was a difficult economy, and no job to be found. I went to cosmetology school, and became an instructor.
        I married my 3rd husband a few years later…he molested my daughters.
        I taught myself web design and made great money but Husband #4 and his mother frauded me out of my home, and what was left of my money after my adoptive parents scammed stole 100k from me to move in their natural son and his family, and severed all ties with me.
        I had been working so hard to provide for my children and I didn’t notice I was no longer their mother…my parents had become their parents, and they also turned against me.
        I became homeless, living in my car.
        Im a horrible writer. I don’t know if any of this makes sense to someone else. Trying to do the readers digest condensed version. All i know is Ive been betrayed by everyone Ive ever loved, and never been truly loved.
        I can’t trust any more, and to me, love equals pain. How does anyone go through all of this and not want to die?

      • Linda says:

        Annie, I agree that the regimen of 19 pills you ended up on had to be the source of many, many problems and I’m surprised you ended up on so many. As to therapy, the one you saw with your husband doesn’t sound like a good fit for you. I agree that it’s hard to see a doctor in these times, but I see ads on TV for online doctor’s appointments; have you checked into that? It’s terrible that you lost your house; are you still homeless? You do have computer access, though, and that might make it possible for you to find an online doctor and an online therapist. You’d had better times, so you know they’re possible. Please don’t give up on life.

        • Annie says:

          Good morning Linda. You are such a good person. I really appreciate you.
          I have tried to find an online Doctor. I have gotten tons of names from my insurance company, but have not found anything. I do not have a computer.
          I lived in my car for 5 months. I was offered a couch in exchange for cooking, cleaning, driving, caregiving etc for a 500 lb man and his 300lb roommate. Long story as short as possible, I helped the 300lb man who had extensive health problems including diabetes lose 68 lbs and get off several medications. His A1C lowered to 6 as well. I met a friend of the 500 lb man during this time and started helping his mom who was 89, and had severe dementia as well.
          Things went south after a year and a half with the 2 obese men, and I moved in with another man with macular degeneration as his “driver” in exchange for room and board. I continued to help the man’s mother 3-4 times a week. (Confusing Im sure).
          The man with macular degeneration lied a lot. He was looking for sex. NOT happening. But I did a lot of cooking, cleaning, painting, moving furniture…until he found a girlfriend and it was VERY uncomfortable. So I moved in with the man who’s mother I cared for when she broke her hip in March 2019. She passed away July 27th. I am still living here, but he will be moving soon and I will be back in my car.
          This will sound stupid and childish, but I have a huge bug phobia. The 2 bugs I am deathly afraid of are wasp and american cockroaches. This spring we got an infestation of roaches. No german roaches, the 2-3″ american roaches (extremely bad in this area). We were seeing them every day all over the house. I have a small room off the garage, and one night had 3 of them invade my room. Every night, I start to panic. My anxiety is bad during the daytime, but night time is horrible. When in my room I constantly watch the walls, and cannot turn the lights off. My body is rigid, my heart pounds, I feel frozen anticipating seeing one. The day after seeing the 3, I went to the ER chancing covid because my anxiety was off the charts. They gave me a shot of valium and I started sleeping at the feet of his mom (before she died, lol) with my feet in her wheel chair. I couldn’t go in my room for more than a couple of minutes. The night she died, I slept in her bed, and slept in her room for about a week until her son sold her bed. Now, I sleep for 10-15 minutes, wake in a panic and scan the walls. After an hour or so, I repeat this.
          I know in my head its a stupid bug. They don’t sting, or bite, and cant hurt me. Unfortunately this fear was born out of a traumatic experience from years ago, (after an attack from my abusive husband) and when I see one, I cry uncontrollably and shake violently. I cant breathe and feel violently sick.
          So…Its live in my car, or deal with bugs. These options both seem unbearable.
          Im a caregiver at heart. I can help others, I derive pleasure from helping others. I give everything helping someone else, probably hoping someone will care for me. Unfortunately that never happens. Im abused, treated as a servant, and tossed aside. The ONE time I took care of me, I thrived. But once again, I end up just surviving.

    • Linda says:

      Annie, I wanted to reply to your latest message with the details of your life, but there’s no “reply” button there, so I’m going back to your original message. Certainly, your life has been terrible and I can see why you’re depressed about it. There’s another thing we have in common: a bad upbringing with no positive role models does not teach you how to pick a good mate and you’ve certainly had more than your share of horrible husbands. I’ve read somewhere that suicide is sometimes acting out what we believe was our parents’ true wishes for us. Maybe picking the wrong men and the horrors that result stems from the same lack of love from your parents. Self-worth comes largely from the unconditional love you’re supposed to get from your parents; it you don’t get that, self-love or even self-acceptance is hard to achieve. Maybe picking men who make you miserable are also a result of that lack of a good love foundation. I know it worked that way for me for a long, long time, although I never suffered as much as you did. It’s on the same spectrum maybe, but my taste in men took a long time to mature away from that “bad boy” syndrome. My first husband was dual addicted and very controlling and I left him for someone who turned out to be even worse. After him, I was alone for five years working 7 days a week to finish my degree. That time alone was good for me; it made it easier to see that no mate is far better than the wrong one. As I wrote before, though, therapy was what helped me the most. The first hurdle for me was getting over the feeling that I wasn’t worth that much effort. Ironically, it was therapy, that I had resisted so long, that helped me get over that feeling, too. My second husband is not perfect, but he loves me and we work things out. I am so sorry to hear how difficult your life has been, but it doesn’t reflect what you deserve. And, again, Dr. Freedenthal might have better advice; I’m just an amateur who’s been through a little of what you have, but nowhere near as severe.

      • Annie says:

        Thank you again Linda for hearing me and being empathetic. I hear what you are saying and agree about the bad boys.
        I have been in therapy several times. The last time, my husband went with me. We ended up mostly talking about his problems and I mostly stayed quiet. I was put on medications, and ended up on 19! Every pill gave me a new issue and lead to yet another pill. My health was declining. My weight soured upward which led to more depression and more problems like diabetes, high blood pressure, tardive dyskinesia, parkinsonism, etc.
        On December 31st, I woke up, and realized I had lost 3 days. I didn’t feel right. My chest hurt, I was confused, dizzy, and just felt bad. I drove myself to the ER where i was admitted for kidney failure and pneumonia. I spent 16 days in the hospital. After I was released, I started making changes in my life.
        I was alone for the first time since I was 19. I flushed every pill in the house. I started cleaning (btw, my husband had left me, he had a lot of health problems, and as a result, we spent 2 years in bed, only going to doctor appts, the ER, and the hospital. He was 15 years my junior, and he passed away this past Feb). The house was mountains of laundry, dust 2 inches thick, absolutely horrible. We smoked heavily and nicotine covered everything. So I started cleaning. I could barely walk, I was weak and overweight and have sciatica.
        I started walking, for the first time. If I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t have to cook. I lost 30 lbs very quickly without really trying. Part was due to getting off the pills. I kept walking and eating better and over the year, lost 100 lbs. I was walking 5 miles a day, had energy for days. I couldn’t exercise enough. I taught myself to eat things I never ate, like fruit, lol. I got to a size 00. I felt fierce, and happy for the first time ever. My house was clean, organized, and beautiful. I sold my bedroom furniture I shared with 2 husbands and refurnished it with thrift store items. Everyone who saw my room loved it.
        Then, everything turned horrible again, but that’s another story. Id rather end on a pleasant note.
        My point here is I don’t need pills. I have discovered they have a paradoxical effect on me. I need good food, a healthy environment, and exercise. Sounds easy, right? But being homeless, doesn’t afford these basic things.
        Ive gone on too long here, I apologize. In closing,
        I have sought counselling, but with covid-19, I cannot find it. I could use valium, one drug that seems to help. I have constant panic attacks, and anxiety is thru the roof. But I cannot even get a doctor appt, let alone who will prescribe valium to a new patient. You see how long my story is….who is going listen, much less understand?
        Thank you again. Im glad you found love.

        • Linda Straubel says:

          Annie, How are you posting to this site without a computer? I ask because it occurred to me that there must be ads posted for care-givers with both pay and room and board. Are you able to do a Google search for those sites? Maybe it’s not being a care-giver that gets you in trouble, but picking the wrong people to help, like the wrong men you chose. Don’t get me wrong; I am not blaming you for your situation, just looking for any common element I can find that can be changed. As far as your phobia goes, I completely understand. My bug phobia used to be centipedes but I got over it in a really weird way. From my own experience, I know that my taste in people took a long time to evolve from the self-destructive to something healthier; it’s a symptom all people with abusive and/or negligent upbringing seem to suffer. We’re on the same continuum, but your on a more extreme part of the spectrum. Let me know if I can help search for care-giver listings. Where, generally, are you located, so I don’t find someplace you can’t go to.

    • Anonymous says:

      Yes I’m in the same boat as you I’ve been beat down all my life and I’m tired .

  109. Steph says:

    Don’t you just hate how much shit you go through just to feel okay again.once you finally find yourself and happiness finds you it’s like history repeating itself. But this time you’re the one that’s the fuck up. You’re the one with issues? Every situation dealing with your emotions it’s you turning it around and playing victim? When does it end 28 almost 29 and honestly i am angry that I survived the horrible violence I endured because I now feel like I’m the fuck up in life. maybe it is all my fault maybe if I’d been quiet a little more and turned my cheek things would be a fairytale but reality is just the opposite. I am scared but I’m sick of hurting I’m sick of it being my fault I just want to be happy

    [This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]

  110. N.A. says:

    My husband is in the next room, ignoring me as usual. We both work, but I cook, clean, do dishes, etc. He sits and plays video games. He knows I have bad anxiety about money, but will not pay the bills. Every day, I hope I won’t wake up. Some days I think longingly of bridges, car wrecks, etc. The only things stopping me are my cats, and the fact that I would hate to make anyone clean up after my death.

    • Linda Straubel says:

      N.A., divorce is a far better option than ending your own life. It sounds to me as if your husband is pretty indifferent to your needs and no one needs to live with that. My gauge for a good marriage is simple: are you both better off together than you’d be apart? If not, can any changes be made? If sounds to me as if he won’t change for the same reason he’s such a bad husband; he’s selfish and lazy and perfectly content to place all the burden of keeping a home and a relationship intact on you. If that’s the case, you’d be better off without him, as now, as he is, he’s just another burden weighing you down. It was a painful decision for me to leave my first husband, as I had all sorts of worries about supporting myself, etc., but, most of all, I hated to think of myself as having failed at my marriage, mostly because that was the pattern my mother set and I wanted to move heaven and earth to avoid her mistakes. Yet, when it was over and the dust had settled, I knew it was the best decision I’d ever made and my life has been 100% better off since. Leave and make a happier life with yourself and your cats; they’re far better companions and, even if it takes awhile, wait and love may come along. I lived alone with my sweet little kitty while I finished my Ph.D. for five years, working 7 days a week. They were hard years, but I did it and grew from it. I guess the bottom line is, it’s clear to me that you don’t need him. If he can’t pull his own weight physically and emotionally, leave him.

  111. Rachel says:

    I am.in so much emotional loneliness pain , I think I will take my life soon .
    the anxiety, the headaches the actual body pains from being so lonely .I have not 1 friend no one to talk to .I have 1 adult child who is so wrapped up in themselves and doesn’t care about me never visits me , gave him everthing all my life .’m not a bad person , I’m kind of nice and I’m polite , i am only in my mid 40s .I just can’t live like this anymore , I have taken 1 sleeping pill so I don’t feel the pain and I’ll be asleep , but I will wake up soon with my heart racing .I am not coping so well today .

    • Christine says:

      I’m very sorry for your pain and loneliness. I also feel both every day. I had a life threatening emergency Saturday night and called two friends, both busy, and texted my daughter 5 times and she didn’t get back to me until the next day. Oh but how they’ll carry on and whine when I’m dead. Too bad they pay no attention to me while I’m still alive. I take Trazadone and muscle relaxers to sleep. I hope every day not to wake up.

  112. Linda Straubel says:

    To Rachel – No apology is required; I was not in any way offended, just concerned for you. Like I said, anti-depressants can’t change how others in your life act, but I still think they can help you cope better. But, obviously, it is your choice. As to the people you know who’ve had negative responses to anti-depressants, stopping them suddenly without medical support can be dangerous; I get that. As to the other who still ended up committing suicide, clearly the pills aren’t perfect, but you can’t base their value on just two examples out of all the people who take them. A more logical approach might help, by which I mean doing some research in a legitimate source for the statistical studies on anti-depressants. You might be surprised at what you find.

    • Paul says:

      I’ve been on almost all of the SSRIs over the years, and at 62, I’m not sure that any of them ever made me feel great. This morning I woke up again in so much physical nerve pain that, once again, my first thought was “somebody shoot me.” Last week I got six injections in my lower spine, and it feels better right there, but my arms and legs and spine just scream and fight to fill the “pain void” that is left. I live on oxycodone, three doses per day to be productive, and then I cope.

      I attempted suicide about a year ago by overdose by oxycodone. I discovered that I have a paradoxical reaction to oxy. After ingesting 120 mg, I settled back for the euphoria and drowsiness, and instead I became wired and stayed up for 14 hours, fidgeting. So semi-synthetic opioids are off of the list. I had always wondered why they didn’t make me drowsy.

      Luckily, I would never attempt suicide in a method that would leave a mess, so option are limited. I even wore an adult diaper during my attempt, in case I had an “accident” in death. So I have invented a device that will [kill me].

      This could happen tomorrow or never. The knowledge that I have created an option for myself makes it easier to cope. Nobody close to me knows about any of this. They would probably be strongly surprised. I mean, my pain is no secret, just my death wish.

      [This comment was edited to abide by the site’s Comments Policy. – SF]

    • Rachel says:

      to Linda…I am just checking in on you , I haven’t heard anything from you in a long time , and I am just wondering are you doing ok ?
      Rachel

      • Linda Straubel says:

        Rachel – Thanks for much for checking on me. I’m fine and have just been super busy with my club stuff and making stuff for Christmas presents. Again, thank you!

  113. Christine says:

    I feel this article hard. I want to be dead. I don’t want to wake up. I want it all to be over. But I have no means to do it. I’ve done research and so many of them end up botched and that is not what I want. I have no support system. No friends and no family. I have a 25 year old paranoid schizophrenic son who hates me and calls me every 6-24 months. The time in between I worry like crazy. My anxiety for him is through the roof. I have been to therapy for almost 3 years but I need more help and my therapist has accepted another job so I’m limited to 45 minutes per week. She is wonderful and I need more of her and that’s not going to happen. I’m on anti-depressants but I do not know of a pill that makes your family ignore and basically forget you. I have an adult daughter in another state but besides knowing how very unhappy I am doesn’t seem to have the time or any compassion for me. She has done a lot more to people she knows in this new state for a year or so than me, her own mother. I grew up in an era where you helped your family. Now I’m in one that you dump your family. It hurts. It’s incredibly painful. I sleep 16-18 hours a day because being awake is just too painful.

    • rachel says:

      you are not alone , because I feel the same , my only adult child met someone and doesn’t care less about me , we use to be very close as we only ever had each other , I have no other family , my heart is broken .I don’t have 1 friend , I feel I don’t fit in to society.
      I think about taking my life nearly every day , but I am too scared as what happens then ? are we left some where in misery for eternity.
      I visited my doctor today who suggested anti depressants but like you said a pill is not going to change anything .
      I think we need to put our faith in god and pray for hope , where there’s life ..there’s always hope .

      • Linda Straubel says:

        Rachel, I feel that it’s all very well and good to have faith, but anti-depressants can, in fact, help. Think of it this way: our moods are affected by everything, not just what happens outside in our lives, but what happens inside our bodies, as well, including the natural chemicals in our blood that circulate through our brains. If you had diabetes, I don’t think you’d refuse insulin to keep you alive and healthy. I think of anti-depressants the same way. They can help lift your mood by adjusting your body’s and your mind’s chemistry. So, in fact, you might reconsider your claim that “a pill is not going to change anything.” It might not make your daughter kinder or closer, but it can help you to deal with it without wanting to die.

      • Christine says:

        Wouldn’t it be nice, if all the lonely people like us could get together. And if anyone got along with someone you could move in together to help each other through this.

        Anti-depressants aren’t helpful for people like us. We crave the love and friendship we once had. We grieve it now that it’s gone. There is no pill that will make that sort of pain go away.

        I’m sorry about your daughter. I know how you feel. It’s incredibly painful.

      • Rachel says:

        in response to Linda.
        my Apologies, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was claiming a pill doesn’t fix a chemical imbalance in your brain.
        I just don’t think they are for me , I am hurting from the people I have lost .
        I know two people who took anti despresents, 1 walks around like a zombie and the other person killed herself after she tried giving them up herself , so I guess I’m scared of them .
        maybe 1 day I will need to take them but I’m hoping to get strenght to find a different way .I’m in my mid 40s and I feel like it’s harder to make friends , every1 is settled down with their family’s and feel odd about being alone no partner etc .i find middle age a bit daunting .
        i’m lucky I have a nice home and a job and I am going to try be more positive.
        Again my Apologies about my”claim “of antidepressants, I didn’t mean any offence.

      • Annie says:

        I don’t understand how this site works. I cannot find a reply button always but Rachel, I hope this finds you. Thank you so much for your wonderfully kind words.
        I feel like i write books here, and Its probably way to long and boring for people to get thru. Exchanging email addresses sounds great, but believe its against this sites policies.
        I pray every night not to wake up. I secretly hope I get covid and die. But I WILL NOT contact the suicide line. They send the police and haul you to the psych ward which is locking you up, ignoring you, giving you crayons and scrap paper and then give you a hearing after 5 mns or less with a doc. It makes you feel crazy, alone, uncared for and more hopeless.
        I made the mistake of taking ativan at the hospital, thinking it would keep me calm. It had a paradoxical effect on me and made me MAD! Totally not my personality. Prozac made me want to kill people, seriously.
        Antidepressants can help, if you get one that actually works for you. Sometimes it can take months of switching meds and still may not find one that actually works, it can make things worse.
        Not having met you, I have no idea what kind of dietary habits you have.
        Sometimes, a new diet can help with mood. Getting 20 minutes of sun every day is essential. It sounds odd, but walking barefoot in grass, (soil) sand, and even ocean water, can also help. For stress and anxiety, yoga, or tai chi are amazing. Simple stretching can be like giving yourself a massage. Talk to your doctor. Do some research. There are books about foods that heal. Most of all, treat yourself. Buy some flowers, candles, create a happy place in your home.
        I got off pills in 2012. I changed my diet, got exercise, and as horrible as my life has been since, this is the first time i have felt the need for help. I am working to take my own advice, to lift myself out of “hell” and keep surviving.

  114. Sonu says:

    I am 16 but because of my fat body I look like 22.(80kgs) My aunt teases me for being like this. My real parents and my siblings are not with me with whom I can spend time with.my cousins, elder than me who bully me and make fun of me for not being pretty, it hurts so bad I wish I was not with them right.
    I am that much good at studies as an average student must be, and all of my teachers only praise those who brought 90%+ marks in their board 10th grade exams. I feel jealous and useless. And this quarantine sucks so bad that I can’t talk to my friends. Being an extrovert I want to socialise so bad but aunt and uncle won’t let me. I m using my iPad, that does not have a SIM card.And this makes me feel like the most unluckiest girl, cuz all of my friends have their own phones, parents, siblings, and many more stuff that I don’t have. So I actually thought of a plan when I’ll pass 12th grade, I’ll kill myself.
    I feel a little lighter to share my feelings on this site but there are still a lot of things that terrifies me and make me suffer to bang my head in the wall or slap my own face 15 times on both sides for finding myself guilty for being alive and being a burden to everyone I know.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Sonu, your words are so very painful to read. How sad to be in so much pain, to hurt yourself out of guilt, and to feel so alone. You are not alone. There are others who can understand the pain you’re in and who can help you to feel differently about yourself and life. They may be professionals, friends, friends’ parents, some of your own family, teachers, hotline workers, people in your religion, somebody else. They are out there and I hope you will find them. I gather you’re not in the U.S. so I don’t know what resources are available to you. If you see this, please leave a comment saying what country you’re in, and I’ll see what’s available. You could email jo@Samaritans.org, to start.

      Thanks for sharing here and for giving yourself the chance to be heard and helped.

  115. Bob says:

    I’ve had suicidal thoughts since age 7 (approx). I hated myself for being “stupid”, “ugly”, pathetic, or whatever. At age 16, I attempted suicide. I contemplated how to do it for a long time. My parents were renting a house at the time, so any large amount of blood would have been a burden for them. I decided to hang myself one night. My bedroom closet had a solid piece of wood that would support my weight. I had a piece of rope and began tying the knot. I had thought about killing myself for a long time, once I started putting my plan into action, I was on my way. I was taking matters into my own hands and it would be all over. My feelings of self loathing, pain, etc. were ending. The only problem was that I realized that I felt good as I was tying the noose. I stopped and decided that no one could ever hurt me as much as I was willing to hurt myself. Perhaps I got some strength from that thought. At any rate, it was enough to stick around for a while longer.

    Later in life, I attempted suicide around the age of 19 by driving recklessly (100+ mph through intersections and almost driving into bridges or telephone poles). Those days in college were dark, but I always found a way to move forward.

    Good days followed. But, the extreme stress of my career eventually led me to contemplate suicide again. Several more attempts followed. Perhaps as a “comfort blanket” or a stress reliever. Getting drunk and sitting outside in freezing temperature. Contemplating a bullet on a lake shore. Driving into a bridge.

    At any rate, I’m still here.

    I don’t feel much any more. I’m moving forward. I’ve come to realize that my suicidal thoughts are a coping mechanism for the extremely stressful situations I seem to find myself in. Unfortunately, one day may find myself in a situation where I will pull the ripcord on my parachute. I will finally find peace.

  116. Tessa says:

    I am in my 60’s. Suffered trauma 3 years ago. Up until then I was quite ‘normal’….I was then diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that will probably limit my lifespan. Only benzos stop the ‘thoughts’ of self harm. I know they are addictive, however, since my time is limited anyways, I am going to ask my dr to put me on a steady regimen…whether he will or not I do not know. I cannot go on ‘living’ like this.

  117. ND says:

    im 25 y/r now. I dont have people that i trust. So i dont know if anyone read this… My situation is i am about to get marry and then that guy cheating on me.. I didnt do anything wrong why would he do that… He always said that i am fat but at the same time he said he’s in love with me even my body like this . so put trust on him but im the only one that hurt so bad… My relation with his famly r so close… I am happy to become one of their life but He change so quick .. He start to say he busy n all that stuff.. Well maybe im not good enough. I dont have a job, im not good looking, im terrible at cooking and i am FAT😔. Me(67kg) Him (46kg)… we fall in love since highschool like 8 years already.. Then everyone know that we r going to get marry and STILL he choose someone else.
    It’s been a month it happened so i am calm of my self already but NOT SINGLE ONE OF HIS FAMILY contact me and say sorry about what happen. They ignore me like im piece of trash. That Hurt So Bad .. It So hurt like a big heavy stone hit my heart deep inside. So hurt that i wish i could jump from this high building so that the stone will break and everything will gone. These thing still in mind like dragon try to eat my brain and i fell so damn empty. I try to talk to my friend but everyone was busy with work now these day..
    I have no one to rely on.. even my family still blame me cause it all my fault. But i didnt do anything wrong what did i do wrong…..

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      ND,

      Your situation sounds so very painful. Are you thinking this pain will last forever or do you have hope that, in time, the hurt will lessen and new people and events in your life will bring you the love and happiness you deserve? A little bit of hope can go a long way.

      Please check out the resources page at https://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp for places where you can talk with someone by phone, chat or email.

      Thanks for sharing here.

    • MK says:

      Hi ND, this must hurt like crazy, and not finding any support is even worse. I am not sure if what I am going to say makes any sense, but you are the one that should be getting some congratulations for remaining faithful the them. That is a virtue of relationships that you should not give up, especially in future relationships. Well done.

      The other thing is, time has actually revealed something quite important, and although it may not feel that way at the moment, at the right time. Imagine if things had gone on and you marry and he still starts to cheat on you. Or after there are some children from the relationship. Your heartbreak may be worse then.

      You are still young and beautiful – some people may be blind to your beauty, don’t mind them, the right ones will come around. And beauty is not what matters in marriage but character. What good is a fighting and cursing beauty? That is harder to see until you are in it.

      There is a lot you can do for yourself to change the things you don’t feel great about. Learn to cook on youtube – and you can tone and lose any weight you do not want with all the available methods, one of the best being healthier food. My personal recommendation is veggies and if you can handle it, a meal that is only salad only for lunch or dinner. Go for job skill and job hunting classes or by learning from online.

      Do not accept that you are not good enough. Perhaps in someone’s opinion, but who said they were right? If you will allow the faith approach – God our maker’s word says you are wonderfully made – Psa 139:14  I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Speaking of God, He loves you!! So much that He paid dearly for the possibility that you would respond to His great love. His is a love that will never dissapoint.

  118. G says:

    I’m currently feeling suicidal, have been many times throughout my life and have made a few attempts, two serious one’s. I’m diagnosed as borderline (BPD) and it seems I’m beyond the help of therapy (which I had a shot at recently and failed to complete due to Covid and lack of trust in the therapist & myself). I feel and have always felt it’s my path to go this way, that when I do die whether it be tonight or in twenty years time it will be by my own hands. I’m alone, severely depressed and scared. It’s my own fault that I’m alone, I wouldn’t want to be around me given a choice. I feel all the cliche statements like ‘this too will pass’ blah blah don’t apply to me. I feel that this time I really have to succeed, I’ve exhausted the help and patience of everyone who have previously tried to help and truly hate myself and life in equal measure. I’ve even been ditched by the mental health team who were supporting me….for not getting better!! I’m a lost cause 🙁 I’ve no idea why I’m making comment here, perhaps to express to the whole world that I’m a piece of crap & fully deserve to go

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      G,

      Oh, that’s so painful. There are many forms of help and helpers. I hope you’ll try another therapist, or a support group (online or in person), or something else that might give you a sense of connection and hope. Facebook has groups for people with borderline personality disorder, such as Life With Borderline Personality Disorder, Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder Support. (More, too – just do a search for “borderline personality disorder.”) There’s a chat room at chronicsuicidesupport.com for people with longstanding suicidal thoughts.

      Thanks for sharing here. I hope you are able to find help for you depression, fear, and sense of being a “piece of crap.” You deserve to feel better!

    • mk says:

      Hi G, I’m so sorry to hear of how you feel and how so many things have not worked for you, leaving you feeling like all hope is lost. I would like to side with the part of you that wrote the entry here – that perhaps there is still still hope. Something that can break the grip of this emptiness and hopelessness. I would like to suggest a book titled ‘Final Curtain’ by Ray Comfort. Its on amazon as an ebook for like 4 bucks – if there was a way to get you a copy, I would be willing to pay for it, but I think this site doesn’t allow sharing PII (personally identifiable info). If you can read it with an open mind then decide if you agree or disagree, I think it would be a great help.

  119. L says:

    Ever since my parents started getting older I’ve been afraid of outliving them and being left alone by myself for decades living a pointless existence without the people I love. I didn’t want to kill myself outright because I thought that would be cowardly and cause my mom and dad great pain. So I started indulging in eating very unhealthily and tried to lower my lifespan to try to match up to around when my parents may pass away. I just didn’t want to live without them. I just wanted to have a stroke or heart attack and die “naturally.” My plan has completely failed. Mom passed away earlier this year and I’m still on this miserable planet without her 6 months later. I wish that heart attack or stroke took me like I planned earlier. It can come anytime as far as I’m concerned. It just hurts even worse than before without my mom. God I hate living so much. Mom was the only reason I was even remotely happy. Getting to see her every day. Watch TV with her. Eat her cooking. Hear her voice and all the funny and silly things she would say and talk about. Death can’t come quick enough. Don’t worry, I will never kill myself directly. But I hope that next cheeseburger I eat is the final nail in the coffin.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      L,

      I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. Grief is so very painful. There are grief support groups that can help, as well as therapists and mental health agencies. If you’re in the U.S., you can call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 (HELP) to learn of resources in your area. If you want to talk about your suicidal thoughts, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 (TALK) is always available, as is the Crisis Textline at 741741.

      Thanks for sharing here.

  120. Milca Ford says:

    I never heard of passive suicidal term. What about if I want to die but I don’t want my children to suffer because of me and that makes
    Me feel resentful? Why can I just end it all?

  121. Anonymous says:

    What if it’s true. What if I really am worthless. What if I don’t want to be talked out of it. What if I have no friends to talk to. What if no one cares at all. What if

    • Anonymous2 says:

      I feel exactly the same way. I don’t want to be talked out of it. It is not a transitory state for me. My desire to end my pain, for which I take full responsibility, is overwhelming. There must be a peaceful way to end things. There must be a choice. Living with the intense and constant desire to end things is unbearable. No more talk. No more meds. I doubt this will get published, as it is an honest representation of how some people feel, day after day, month after month.

    • Anonymous says:

      I feel the same. I have no one to talk to. My family doesn’t want to hear it. I just don’t want to be here anymore.

  122. Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

    You must be in a lot of pain. I’m sorry. Since counseling isn’t provided on this site, I hope you’ll reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 (TALK) or the Crisis Text Line at 741741.

  123. KennLee_2020 says:

    Share your feelings with one another. Your loved one may ask you to keep what they share with you to yourself and not tell anyone. But when it comes to suicide warning signs, not only is that ask not fair to you, but it may be in their best interest to involve others if needed. Use your best judgment, and make your loved one s health and safety your first priority. While most people who attempt suicide do show some sort of warning signs, there are also those people who, because of social stigma or a desire to not appear weak, will successfully hide what they are feeling. If you fail to recognize that your loved one is considering or considered suicide, do not blame yourself. Remember that you did the best you could with the information you had.

  124. Brandon says:

    Can’t think of a better time than now when this topic is more relevant!!

    • Rachel says:

      exactly..people can figure out if they really want to die or not ..a real wake up call

      • Brandon says:

        On the contrary, people can realize that this is a storm waiting to happen for a long time due to humanity’s persistent denial of death. We had/have the option of exiting peacefully and on our own terms but between then lockdowns and unavailability of medical practitioners for many services, let alone assisted suicide, our choices are running thin. The know-it-all elites insisted that there is some kind of badge of honor in going out kicking and screaming or at least some “natural” way that entails some kind of prideful suffering. But I have a sneaky feeling the pro-lifers are gonna be eating their words when the pain kicks in. It’s just unfortunate that those who aren’t in an an unwinnable war with death will have to suffer because of their foolish and arrogant neighbors.

  125. Anon says:

    Not sure what you’re saying here that hasn’t already been said ad nauseam– talk to someone, “get help.” These are very weak, feminine approaches towards something that needs to be addressed with a “fix it this way” plan. Questions like “what can make you feel like living” is a start. Developing a plan around that answer is a step after that. Pulling resources to help the afflicted is a step after that.

  126. Brad says:

    I sure appreciate this site. Thank you!

  127. Julie says:

    I’ve always been depressed, even as a kid there was nothing I really enjoyed, the concept of enjoying anything in life is beyond me. It was all just ok, nothing was terrible (until a bit later), school was ok, friends were ok, I wasn’t bullied or anything I just didn’t like anything. We’d go on holiday and I’d spend most of the time in the car asleep-always slept a lot, I get around 10-12hrs sleep usually and spend even longer than that in bed. I hated myself for it but I just didn’t want to do anything else and didn’t like being me.
    First time I thought about suicide I must’ve been about 12-I just hated having to be on this planet. Life got MUCH worse for me with various terrible things that happened (my dads death and other stuff) and I’ve seen some horrific suffering that is so hard to deal with, but I realised finally that if all that stuff hadn’t have happened I’d still be the same, still wouldn’t have done anything, still would hate being alive because I’ve felt like this since I was practically born. I don’t know how close I ever came to committing suicide as I’m still here-I just don’t want to mess it up and have it not work I guess.

    I just wish so badly I had never been born, and decided never to have kids of my own-which is another reason to be depressed, not because I want them but because in a world like this we celebrate motherhood (even though by creating life, those are the people who have collectively created ALL suffering!) and as I move towards 40 I’ll be even more ignored and more of a freak and useless because as a woman I didn’t breed. But I’ll be glad none of my kids will ever have to go through life and feel the way I do so there is some comfort in that.

    • Anonymous says:

      It is nice to know that I am not the only person in the world who has felt since I could remember that I just didn’t want to live. Thanks for sharing.

      • Laura W says:

        Yep, I was lying in bed every night hoping that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning before I was old enough to know what death was.

  128. Carl says:

    This is a very good article and addresses how a person can become suicidal without even realizing it. The thought of wanting to die, whether intentional or not, can gradually, perhaps over years, lead to more active thinking or planning of suicide. At least, this was my case. For decades I experienced the thinking or wishing that I was dead. It led to a dangerous, hi risk career and beyond. You see, as we think such thoughts, we create neuro pathways by which the thoughts can travel more freely. Suddenly we find reasons we should die, then the thoughts ” I would kill myself before I did…” After decades of these thoughts and another string of unfortunate events, more traumas, the part of my mind that was convinced I had to die was stronger than me and the other part of my mind was oblivious and did not understand why. After all the therapy and personal work, it was only by reading my anti suicide affirmations and confronting each passive or active suicidal thought, that I was finally able to stop them and find peace.

  129. Linda Straubel says:

    Kathy, First of all, thank you for asking my opinion of this internet article. I’m flattered to be included in this request along with Dr. Stacey Freedenthal, a professional I have enormous respect for.

    Secondly, I’m sorry it’s taken awhile to respond. While psychology is Dr. Freedenthal’s field of expertise and not mine, I’m using my own experience as a retired professor of rhetoric, persuasive writing and logical fallacies to critique Sarah Knutson’s article. As such, I wanted to read it over carefully more than once, while making note of both positive and negative aspects of her argument.

    To start with some positive notes, she does use some good sources and in a relevant way, rather than taking them out of context as some do. At least, that’s true at the beginning of her argument, but the reliable use of sources breaks down over the course of the argument. Her organization is, overall, pretty good and she makes some valid points on the amount of cultural stress we endure and its effects on us, but there are warning signs from the very opening lines that logic is not going to be this article’s strong suit.

    For one thing, I am always leery of a writer leaning too heavily on personal feelings as a guide to her own behavior and as an analytical tool for the feelings and behavior of others. This leads to a closed-in, solipsistic world-view that becomes impenetrable to reason. Knutson dresses it up in some suspect language that seems to be sophisticated but, on closer examination, is more baffling than enlightening, such as her criticism of the “iatrogenic psychiatry-Pharma alliance.” At the very least, jargon not known to the generally well-educated public needs to be explained to truly support an argument. More on that later, as well.

    To get back to my original logical analysis, I find numerous over-generalizations, such as “modern society,” or “everyone else is coping”; leaping to conclusions, as in claiming, without evidence, that stress and illness are causal and not “mere statistical correlation”; oversimplification, as in attributing sufficient cause to something that may be just a contributing cause, such as cultural stress; a combination of oversimplification and confirmation bias in seeing the “global village” as just adding to her stress with no possibility of ever helping her. She’s not alone in this, however. It occurs to me that social critics tend to focus only on the negative aspects of the “global village” social media create. However, people can also find support, comfort and even badly needed funding, through social media. It occurs to me that much of this dismissive attitude actual grows from the ease with which these media are accessed and used. The same criticism arose with the advent of home computers. Before that, it was typewriters replacing hand-written letters. While I never read any claims that hand-written love letters sent through the mail only created a false sense of friendship, I do read that about connections made through social media. Hand-written letters are, therefore, legitimate, but messages of love and support typed on a laptop and launched on Facebook, e.g., are dismissed as fake. If ease of use is our only criterion, we should all be writing with quill pens we sharpened ourselves and ink we created by mixing soot and olive oil. And the letters should be sent by Pony Express. But I digress.

    About three quarters into the article, there’s also a switch in person from third to second, as if we are all her fellow victims. Later, that turns into the accusation that we are also part of the conspiracy victimizing her. When she accuses social media and other forms of information of “rubbing our noses” in our social inferiority, it’s become both personal and, seemingly, intentional. It’s also extremely personal when everyone we encounter is playing the same “zero sum” game of competition for status.

    It’s always interesting to me when people use the term “zero sum,” mostly because they almost invariably get it wrong, conflating zero-sum with all competition. Her language on the way we compare ourselves with others is a good example of this misuse. For instance, if there are so many ways we automatically compare ourselves with others, as she points out, there must also be some aspects in which we “win,” and others in which they win. That is not zero-sum. She also creates a false dilemma – either I diminish you or you diminish me – by claiming that making a loser of everyone else is the only way to “maintain [an] illusion of superiority.” Hard work, achievement and helping others have always given my self-esteem a boost, without any such illusion, and not at the cost of anyone else’s self-esteem.

    Which brings me to my final point: her argument really comes off the rails when she seems to argue that no one has good intentions – that no one sincerely wants to help her. Even therapists are just playing the zero-sum game and pretending to help just to feel better about themselves, as are her friends and family. It’s pretty damning that she dismisses even a therapist’s diagnosis as simply “following orders as part of the ‘iatrogenic psychiatry-Pharma alliance.’” The article’s conflating psychiatrists with all therapists in this alliance is another over-generalization, since only psychiatrists can even prescribe meds.

    Finally, she dismisses “mainstream medicine,” and has, thus, left herself no recourse, no source of comfort, and no genuine place to get help. I’m also confused by her claims that others manage the stress better because she has the “gift” of seeing the problem better than the rest of us. Or maybe we don’t manage it better, but are all dying of it, just at different speeds. Even friends offering the advice that she see a therapist are her enemies who only do so to make her feel worse. The argument dismisses the very idea of good intentions, claiming that others pretend to help with the over-riding purpose of making her feel more isolated. They do so just to make themselves feel better and to elevate themselves above her, she claims. Therapists, by the way, all play the same game. And, again, the fact that she feels that way is taken as gospel; if she feels that no one sincerely wants to help, then it must be true, from her skewed point of view. Her argument that no one is even capable of being well-intended, is both inaccurate and sad. Based on this logic, she blames family, friends and therapists for her feeling diminished and isolated. While she does make some valuable points about the cultural stresses we face, she neglects to find any way to resist or counteract them. She promises to explore such resistance in a later article, but that statement doesn’t fill me with hope.

    It seems to me that she has managed to diminish, isolate and trap herself. Her repeated use of such false analogies as “predator,” and its derivatives (I stopped counting at ten), and “stalked,” for all marketers, politicians and, apparently, therapists, e.g., is a good example of how we can trap ourselves with our own vocabularies. She’s used words to paint herself into a metaphorical corner and has convinced herself that she can’t be rescued. By the end, this is not so much an argument as a rant.

    There’s more to my original notes, but I’ve gone on quite long enough.

    • alexandra-h says:

      Did you see this piece last week at Aeon website? I thought it was a very good article all around.

      https://aeon.co/essays/the-voice-of-sadness-is-censored-as-sick-what-if-its-sane

      I’m not so keen on giving depressive episodes a greater credit than they deserve on the ability to represent reality in a less biased way. Depression can also give an exaggeratedly negative representation of the self and reality. The sense of profound worthlessness — physical and intellectual — that may stem from an depressive bout and a complete irreal representation of the world is as biased as optimistic and positive thinking. Other than that, the article seems spot on. I also love her sources and citations.

      This work in particular seems very interesting:

      >”Alice Holzhey-Kunz, a modern, existentially oriented Swiss psychoanalyst, turns to Heidegger’s distinction between authentic and non-authentic forms of living. She claims that mental suffering signifies a disillusioning confrontation with the reality of existence. In that sense, depression is not so much a disorder as a disillusioning explosion of the nothingness of human existence. In this context, a cheerier form of what we might call ‘inauthentic living’ would hardly be a pathology since it counters acute existential awareness with everyday tasks and oblivion in the commonness”

      Also, the final bit is excellent:

      >”In closing, I must address you, my dear reader. I realise that, as you were reading this essay, you must have experienced a ‘yes, but…’ reaction. (‘Yes, life is horrible, but there are so many good things too.’) This ‘but’ is an automatic response to negative, horrifying insights. Once exposed to these forces, our positive defence mechanisms kick in. I myself was caught in the drill while writing this essay (and pretty much during the rest of my life). Without this protective measure, we would all probably be dead already, having most likely succumbed to suicide for relief”.

    • Emily says:

      Linda:

      I read this on a University website last week.

      “Becoming aware of privilege should not be viewed as a burden or source of guilt, but rather, an opportunity to learn and be responsible so that we may work toward a more just and inclusive world”

      Check your privilege:

      —White
      —Male
      —Class
      —Christian
      —Cisgender
      —Able-bodied
      —Heterosexual

      ———————————-

      Here is my question:

      Why is being ‘intelligent’ never included in a list of unearned privileges?

      Shouldn’t high IQ people give humble thanks every morning for their completely unearned gift?

      Emily

      • Linda Straubel says:

        Emily, I absolutely agree! While making the most of your intelligence may be partly your choice, the potential you’re born with is absolutely the luck of the draw. My parents were dismally unprepared to be good parents, yet they were smart, and that meant they gave me their inheritable, decent IQ. When this unearned privilege is acknowledged, it will stop being OK to condemn those less gifted as “stupid,” “dumb,” etc. Thanks for making this excellent point!

  130. Landskab says:

    Dr. Prashant Gajwani, MD, says that the sleep-wake cycle becomes disturbed in people who suffer from depression and that the irregularity can actually exacerbate depression. If you’re sleeping too much or not enough, depression might be the culprit. It’s good to try to limit yourself to eight hours per night, as well as doing things to encourage sleeping eight hours if you’re experiencing insomnia. Nancy Virden, mental health advocate and a suicide-attempt survivor, shared her story with me. She said, “In January 2011, I tried to end my life. One might think I would have known how to manage my major depression since it is recurrent, however many signs went past my observation.” She details her dark journey by identifying the multiple stressors that started a year earlier: a move, surgery, major life events. She went off her meds eight months before her attempt, and a few weeks before her attempt, she was reckless and suffering major mental torment. Virden has gone on to help many others identify the signs of depression and live to fight another day.

  131. Elizabeth says:

    Yes, I often feel that way, but would not commit suicide because it would destroy my family

  132. Bertrand says:

    I’ve tried psychotherapy but have never lasted more than 3 sessions. Tried all kinds of medications but none work because I am convinced that my abject ideas that life’s only purpose is the replication & preservation of itself, just because it can; that not just our individual existences but our whole existence as a species and in fact the whole history of life itself will one day be in any case utterly erased as even the Earth and the Cosmos will end, and is therefore utterly meaningless in any kind of transcendental sense, and so on and forth, are actually an honest description of reality which leaves me in a perpetual state of chronic depression. Psychotherapy and antidepressants therefore, have nothing to offer me because I truly believe that’s just how reality is. I’ve tried art, philosophy, music, religion and drugs as sublimating tools but nothing really satisfies. Yes, I know we can create our own meaning and marvel at the awe and wonder and beauty of the universe and find solace in love & companionship, but these things just don’t work for me.

    Reflexive self-consciousness is as much a curse as a blessing because it allows us to become aware of the nothingness that haunts us everywhere we go. It’s like this deep-seated sense of disappointment and sadness that I have decided is just part of my constitution. I am an extremely pessimistic introvert.

    Needless to say, with such an outlook, not many people hang around me for long. The only thing that saves me, keeps me going day to day are my pets. Without the animals whom I care for & love, I wouldn’t be here. Since I adopted my first cat, I stopped thinking about suicide even though I was just as depressed. I couldn’t bear to even think about leaving this creature, who loved me totally unconditionally, behind. I am totally dependent on them just as much as they on me. It’s the one thing that makes me want to, obliges me actually, to keep going.

    You have to find something, some creature to care for or despair will just eat you alive.

    I recommend this article on Depressive Realism

    https://aeon.co/essays/the-voice-of-sadness-is-censored-as-sick-what-if-its-sane

    • Linda Straubel says:

      Bertrand – You seem to be stuck in that state that the poet Wallace Stevens labeled “the shaken realist,” as in Modernist novelists and poets suffered the loss of faith that followed the horrendous destruction of the so-called Great War. Yet, Modernism gradually made way for Postmodernism, which I always took as, at least in part, a sign that humanity could move on, accepting the fact that life could have meaning, even if not the transcendent, eternal meaning that religions’ gods had promised. The fact that life ends does not, for me, make it worth any less, since I am not Wallace’s shaken realist; I was born a realist and have adapted to the clear and present knowledge that this life is all there is for me. You’re in a hard place, and getting unstuck is going to be hard, as well. But I believe you can do it. One thing that has helped me, because I have had my struggles with suicidal thoughts in the past, is to listen to the troubles of others. I’ve become the “ear” my friends pour their troubles into and the “shoulder” they can cry on. My reputation is one of absolute integrity when it comes to that and people know they can trust me to keep their confidences confidential. It’s not perfect and it’s not easy and I still cry at the drop of a hat, but, still, it helps me to realize that others have troubles, too.

      I honestly don’t know if any of this is helpful to you. I just hope so. You may not have people in your life that care about you, but there are people on this site who do and care to answer your post. That’s not everything, but it’s not nothing, either. As to your physical pain, please don’t give up the search for some way to ease it or to cope with it That may actually be the root of your depression and finding at least partial release for that might go a long way to helping you with the rest. Don’t give up hope, please.

  133. Nodscene says:

    Interesting topic and I’m sure it will become a long and interesting conversation like your most famous one….I’m sure you know which one I’m talking about 🙂 You may even recognize my name.

    Back to the topic at hand, my ex fit into this category to the T while I’m at the opposite end. Back in the day she overdosed a couple times on Valium just wanting to sleep for a few days. She never wanted to kill herself and ironically has a phobia about death but would have loved to go to sleep and never wake up.

    Essentially they are exactly the same…your conscious mind is dead forever. But of course being intelligent humans we can differentiate between the two states.

    In that respect I am a little surprised that the death rate between the two trains of thought are close to the same. I’ve tried to end my life (and sadly failed but that’s just a matter of time) while those (from my experience) who want to just sleep forever still want to live and don’t do things that are as drastic as putting on 12 fentanyl patches for example haha.

    I find this interesting and will follow the remarks.

    Thanks for keeping the other thread open (I hope it still is) and while we don’t always agree on things I respect what you are doing.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Nodscene,

      Thank you for your comment and your words of respect at the end. I do remember you, and yes, the post you refer to is still up — and has more than 1,000 comments!

      Sounds like you are still in a great deal of pain, and I’m sorry to hear that. If you do want to use any of the resources I list on the site, please check them out.

      Welcome back! 🙂

  134. Linda Straubel says:

    Dear Stacey, Thank you so much for that informative and somewhat alarming message. I find it alarming to learn that even passive suicidal ideation is a danger sign, since I do, on occasion, have such thoughts. Since I’ve been through some rough times, but am fine now, I always chalked those thoughts up to nothing more than a bad habit acquired through those rough times. Does that still put me on your continuum? I’d be interested in doing some follow-up reading on the research you cited. Can you give us any links to such research? Thanks for caring and for this invaluable website.

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Linda,

      Thank you for your comment. I always appreciate your participation on the site.

      The articles I mentioned in the post have hyperlinks that lead to them. Some other resources around passive suicidal ideation are:

      Let’s Talk About the Difference Between Passive and Active Suicidal Thoughts, by Arya Grace with themighty.com.

      The Sad Truth about Passive Suicidal Thoughts and Actions, by Shirley J. Davis with thriveglobal.com.

      Yes, I am Suicidal. No, I am Not Going to Kill Myself, on supportiv.com.

      I want to assure you that passive suicidal thoughts don’t mean you’re at high risk for suicide, just higher than normal risk. The risk for suicide is quite low. Even among people who seriously consider suicide, roughly only 0.45% — half of a percent — die by suicide. In any given year, roughly 0.02% of the U.S. population dies by suicide. So you can see that the suicide rate is 20 times higher for people who seriously consider suicide, but it’s still extremely low.

      The important thing is that when you have thoughts that you wish you were dead, it signifies that you’re hurting or otherwise experiencing great difficulty. It would be good to recognize those thoughts as a sign to attend to yourself and your needs (which might mean getting help from others, too). The analogy of a fever is an apt one: When we have a fever, we know not to push ourselves and, instead, to rest.

      And yes, thoughts can become a habit. Imagining oneself dead can give a person relief if they’re suffering. Their suffering would end. If you felt relief when you had such thoughts, the relief was a reward. Your mind wants to feel better, so it will turn to that reward again … and again.

      Depending how much of a habit has developed, it can be very hard to eliminate such thoughts. In fact, trying to eliminate them can create problems; think of the phrase, “What we resist, persists.” But now the resistance the failure to eliminate the thoughts cause new anxiety. A more constructive approach is mindful observation, which I describe in my post Like Clouds Before the Sun: Mindfulness and Suicidal Thoughts.

      Whatever the case, Linda, please take care! 🙂

      • Linda Straubel says:

        Stacey, Thank you so much for your personal and detailed response. It is a relief to know that the specific statistics on the results of passive suicidal thoughts are so low. Like most, I guess, I tend to read “higher than normal” as more dire than it is, since “higher than normal” can be by a small margin of an already small percentage. It’s also rather amusing, in an ironic way, to know that such thoughts can persist because they’re rewarding. Thank you, too, for this invaluable site. Your caring is truly wonderful.

  135. Frankie says:

    Yes.. I want to die.. and it should be my right. I have severe hip pain that wont go away… I need hip replacement and cant afford it. I have Meniere’s Ear Disease.. causing me to lose my hearing.. to have severe vertigo and vomiting.. and there is nothing they can do about it.. without my hearing I cannot work.. without work I will be homeless. I’m 57.. I’m ready to end my life.. I have no family.. I’ve already out lived them all including my sister that died at 38.. I have no wife.. no children.. I live in poverty. My life is over.. my health will do nothing but get worse as I get older. I will leave nobody behind to mourn.. nobody. No close friends.. nothing.

    • Ruby says:

      this is really sad , is there any friend who could help you , you are welcome to have my email address if you want to private chat .I care ….

    • Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW says:

      Frankie,
      What you’re facing sounds so painful and overwhelming. It sounds like you have nobody to talk to about your mental suffering, and you don’t mention receiving any help for it. I hope you will consider calling the National Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or texting “start” to 741741, so you can at least vent to someone. I list other resources, as well, at speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.

    • JF says:

      I love you.

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