“If only I could go to sleep forever.”
“I want to die.”
“I wish I’d never been born.”
Do you ever have thoughts like these, and you do not want to kill yourself? Many people do. They want their life to end, but they don’t want to end their life.
If you’re one of those people, you probably don’t think of yourself as suicidal. It might surprise you to know that, in clinical parlance, such thoughts are considered to be “passive” suicidal ideation.
What is Suicidality?
Technically speaking, the term “passive suicidal thoughts” is an oxymoron. The very meaning of suicide is the intentional act of killing oneself. How can someone be suicidal if they don’t want to die by suicide?
That’s where “passive” comes in. People with passive suicidal thoughts don’t want to do anything to make themselves die. They wish it would just happen.
Suicidality – that is, suicidal thoughts or behavior – exists on a spectrum. At one end are people who wish they weren’t alive anymore but also don’t think of suicide. At the other end of the spectrum are people with extremely high intent to end their life now, or maybe they’ve even just made a suicide attempt.
At points in between are different gradations of suicidality. Some people think of killing themselves but quickly reject the idea. Some want to die by suicide and make a plan but don’t intend to carry it out. Some want, plan, and intend to die by suicide but not any time soon. Those are just a few possibilities.
The Dangers of Passive Suicidal Thoughts
Research indicates that people with passive vs. active suicidal thoughts are at equal risk for attempting suicide. We don’t know why, but it’s reasonable to hypothesize that passive suicidal thoughts can swiftly change from “I want to be dead” to “I want to kill myself.”
It’s also possible (though this hasn’t been researched specifically) that risk factors for passive suicidal thoughts are similar to risk factors for suicide itself. These risk factors might include mental or physical pain, hopelessness, illness, stress, loss, trauma, poverty, unemployment, relationship problems, isolation, substance abuse or addiction, sleep disturbance, and more.
In short, people who wish they were dead share something important with people who want to kill themselves: Both groups want their pain or problems to end.
Passive suicidality can lead people to put themselves in danger. For example, they might not wear a seatbelt or drive carefully. They might use too many drugs or drink too much or pick fights with strangers. They’re not trying to kill themselves (at least, not consciously), but they also don’t care if they get killed.
So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself. You may be at higher risk than average for death. I realize that if you want to die, you might welcome such news. But please, recognize the wish for death as a symptom of something in your life, or inside of you, that needs healing. Healing, not killing.
How to Get Help
Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts with a trusted friend, family member, teacher, doctor, minister or other person (or people) serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone.
The resources that I list on this website are available to all people in distress, whether or not they think explicitly of suicide: hotlines, crisis text lines, online chat, and more.
Therapy can address why you want to die, and how to feel better. If therapy is out of reach for you financially, take a look at the post, “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression or a thyroid problem, that’s triggering thoughts of death.
A safety plan is helpful, too, in case your desire for death morphs into fantasizing about, or making plans to, kill yourself. A safety plan lays out the steps you can take to cope, get help, and stay safe if suicidal thoughts put you in danger. You can find a form for completing a safety plan here.
People who want to be dead often feel hopeless. Consider filling up a hope box (real or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.
In any case, I hope you will get help. Even if you don’t want to take action to end your life, the important thing is that you’re hurting or otherwise unhappy. There are many things you can try to feel better, heal, and like being alive.
Copyright 2020 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.com. All Rights Reserved.
I just don’t get it. All these recommendations. Church, meditation , exercising etc…. Haven’t worked. I’ve become more introverted and stuck to the house. Pitiful. I’ve quit smoking for over 2 months yet I see no difference. Anxiety and frustration get the better of me. I’ve left my hometown several times just to wimp out and come back. But I feel so bored and tired of this town. I’ve yet to seek therapy seeing that I’ve met other folks who have gone and really have not seen any difference in them. Nor have I taken anti depressants. I’ve tried the spiritual by seeking a sweat lodge and doing South American / Native American ceremonies but I still keep coming back to my same stupid and lame ways. Or so depression. It really sucks. I just so call celebrated another bday yesterday yet I still woke up with thoughts of not wanting to wake up and just end it already. I’ve read several comments here and can relate to a lot of these folks.
No easy answers, right? You can’t fix your life like you can fix a broken car. But spirituality – real spirituality – isn’t an activity you do on a particular day, and then go home; it’s lifetime faith and commitment. Not a quick fix, but a decision to look for and experience meaning. Maybe it’s not ideal to start from where you are – but on the other hand it’s not like anybody can start from anywhere else!
My wife loves me my children love me but I don’t love me I feel useless I can’t motivate myself to do anything I’m lost and alone. I don’t want to put my family through the pain of me ending my life but I would welcome going to sleep and not waking up
Maybe you shouldn’t be so hard on yourself mate. If they love you, you must be doing something right!
sounds like you’ve got a lot going for you. Find help and I’m sure you will reconnect to the people who love you and that you love. Do it for them.
i dont fear death i looking forward to it the sooner the better i am ready i long for the grim reaper to hurry
I don’t know how to put my thoughts but when ever I see a car I want to jump in front of it when i see a water bucket I want to put my head in that. I wish to disappear from here.
I was studying and I found in all my laptop and book there was all written can i sleep and never wake up shall i die.
I am afraid or I am just a loser who can’t do anything. not good at study not good at anything may be it will be very good if I just disappeared at last my parent’s will be sad for a day and then they will also forget and think it is good she die now there is only their Son who they love care.
I am just a nosy don’t listen to me just ignore me like everyone does.
Aw, I’m not sure if it was meant to, but the last line made me smile.
I promise you, your parents would never get over it if anything happened to you. And you may not think you’re good at anything, but there is something in life that you need to do, and that only you can do. You just haven’t found it yet.
it may be possible but from what I see in my house after my mom got in accident one year ago. there is nothing happen to her she is fit and fine. but after that accident I am just the person who cook for them 2 time’s wash cloth’s wash dishes. etc, because of that I can’t even force on my college last year and a failed it for 2 years i don’t know but after listening to them. even if they didn’t say directly anyone can feel I am nothing but more then a mistake for them
I feel like this most of the time my mind seems to be all over the place.
Hi I’m so lost in life feel so alone and unwanted for so long I broke up from my partner new years day after 13 years she went out and never came home and had cut me off all together absolutely broken me I sit in my bedroom everyday I have to force my self to go to work then spend all week end in this bedroom I just feel dead inside and don’t want to feel all this pain and hurt anymore just sleep and fade away
That is shocking, so hurtful and damaging. I’m sorry for your pain.
How do you think she feels you broke up with her. If she cut you off than she must have been devastated. I’m sorry for both of you.
I want to die because I feel my time is done. My children are happy. healthy and in loving relationships. My partner died 2 years ago. I have accepted this. I have no health issues or financial problems. I am lucky, but I’ve had enough
I want to die because of my boring life
I make bad decisions. I ruined my life. I hurt my daughter , can’t see my grandkids and my best friend thinks it’s scum. I just want to die. Nothing feels right except for the decision to end it all. This past year has been hell on earth. Therapy isn’t helping. I can’t take the pain of not seeing my grandchildren any more. It’s all my fault so I have no one to blame except for myself. I don’t know when but I know it’s going to be soon. I feel like a weight is lifted now that I fully made this decision.
Whatever the cause, I’m sorry for your suffering. But don’t do anything in a hurry. One day those kids are gonna want to meet their grandad!
Going through a tough time time at the moment. Mentally, I am not in a good space. My girlfriend of fifteen years has been seeing someone else and is going to leave me. As she puts it…”I’m not leaving because I don’t love you. I am leaving because you did not pay enough attention to me physically or emotionally the last year” I was already in a bad space before she decided this although it was not visible to anyone. I am hurt, alone, and lonely and I am having dark thoughts. I am too old to start again. I would just like to go to sleep and not wake up. I don’t even know if I am in the right place to talk about this.
I’m so sorry you’re going through this. I completely feel you. After years of unhappiness for various reasons, my high school sweetheart and I found our way back to each other. It’s been a few years, our families are integrated. He is in a dark place and refusing help. He’s not leaving me but says I should leave to protect myself. I have deep depression and this has triggered me unbelievably. I just want to disappear and be gone from the world.
If he’s warning you to leave to protect yourself, take heed and leave! I’ve learned through experience that if someone warns you against themselves, you should take it seriously. His dark place is affecting you in a very negative way and it sounds like he’s on the verge of becoming physically abusive. Please prioritize your physical safety first and then seek counseling for your depression. Please.
Hiya.
Yeah, I’d say it’s the right place…*a* right place, anyway.
Maybe your relationship is salvageable? Especially since she says she still loves you. I’d say, as long as she’s still there (and maybe even after she’s not), there’s a chance – maybe you could try to explain that there were reasons you weren’t as available to her as you’d have liked.
Failing that…of course it’s grim to contemplate the end of such a relationship. Even if it happens though, and even if you feel you don’t want another of the same kind (although that might change) – it doesn’t mean life has nothing left to offer, maybe something entirely different. You had a life before her. It may not be what you’d choose but, if it comes to it, you can have a life after her.
Please know your not alone , I left a lovely house because, my long term partner of 22yrs lied , & gave me no respect in the end , he had been physical once.
My 2 daughters have turned their backs on me & I’m hopelessly lonely even though I go out at times , work is awful , worried about finances .
Both parents don’t care either , & nobody I feel I can cry to , for help , at 61 I’m done with men in my life as lovers, I feel a failure & feel I’ve bought my daughters up with no respect for me , although both of their fathers I feel didn’t care anything for me in the end .
I have passive suicide thoughts , I idealise that suddenly if I’m dead my daughters might love me, tbh I think they will be shocked into giving a damn , but it will be forgotten quickly, when they get a financial pay out from my death .
That’s all I meant to them ,& I’m ashamed of them both & it’s agony realising this truth .
I can’t see any happy ending only the end , but I don’t want to be the one to do it , as that would look like I’m after sympathy & that’s not me .
I just can’t take anymore of this life I’m living now , as I should have just put up with the emotional abuse & disrespect from him , but at least my daughters would be non the wiser if I’d stayed
He won in the end & he will be ecstatic that he’s brought me to my death bed for him .
You start life with such high hopes, but gradually everything just wears out. People let you down, friends drift away, wife and family don’t really care, nothing works out like you hoped, your health gradually deteriorates, you lose faith. At best – like Sam at the end of Lord of the Rings – you ‘can do without hope, as long as you can postpone despair’.
Today, I just wanted to say it. Like a message in a bottle.
‘Woke up this morning, don’t believe what I saw / Hundred million bottles washed up on the shore…’
Very true. Especially about people letting you down, friends drifting away. Sad – but for us, unfortunately not for them. Thanks for sharing & the LOTR quote.
Hope is a trap. Hope is based on the belief in an expectation that something will occur, often leading to disappointment because of this dependence on outside factors beyond our control. Our happiness, success, and quality of life are often tied to our ability to achieve these expectations, ingrained in us from a young age when we are asked what we want to be. The despair so many of us feel or the emptiness – is actually a symptom of what is wrong with our entire society and it is not an END. It means that you desire better and you are meant for better. WE ALL ARE. This is your ticket to freedom and authenticity which will in turn feed your soul and give you fulfillment and faith. FAITH is knowing and wherever you are you are fufilled. HOPE is expecting and it leads nowhere.
It may be beneficial to start with our natural talents and desires to ensure happiness and fulfillment, following our interests and gifts instead of conforming to others’ hopes and expectations. Rather than rely on hope, faith offers a deeper sense of knowing and contentment, allowing us to navigate life’s uncertainties with resilience and authenticity. It is through faith that despair is replaced with a sense of purpose and fulfillment.
I beleive god gives us all gifts we are born with for a reason. When we find them we should follow them and have faith in that. Hope we can live without, only through FAITH. DESPAIR is defined as the absence of FAITH. Well, it used to be – I note that the word faith has been removed and that is SUS. Society is not built for us to become fufilled that should become clear on your journey. This is not a bad thing once you are aware.
As a child our natural faith is exchanged for hope way too often, and it is subtle.
Hope is a stranger to who we realy are and what we truly need. It is controlled by the confines of our mind, influenced by others expectations and measures of success. Hope depends on receiving – it is dependent on the trappings of infinite meaningless mazes to nowhere. It makes for a rigid and unforgiving architect – espescialy since life is never according to any plan that we have access to.
Hope is a word often thrown around as if it were the essence of life… I have learned that is almost antimatter when compared to everything that springs from Faith. Faith allows us to KNOW not HOPE. It is a state of being and without question, we know things will be okay regardless of the situation.
I truly feel this is why life feels so pointless to so many. Faith feeds your soul – Hope devours it. You will trade anything to acheive hopes and dreams and still be unhappy. People who have Faith know that all that you have is your soul. Your soul is everything and in your faith you are content and fufilled.
Carefully examine your source of despair. I bet you arent the only architecht of the hopes that led you there. Find what your true calling is, go back to crayons if you have to start at the beginnning, what made you excited and happy? Frogs? Space? Singing? If you start with one small piece that is authentic you will find you no longer feel despair.
Authenticity is the key to unlocking this despair.. unsure where to start? Do nice things for others without expectation, or spend time with your kids, neices, nephews or join a club that is in your area of interest if you remember what that is. Do not be afraid to walk away from a life based on “Hope”. It is like building on a poor foundation. Faith is everything and we are born with it. Hope is implanted. Anything other than faith – by definition leads to depair. Because DESPAIR is the absence of Faith.
I watched a Tony Robbins video once an it had an amazing message that if something in your life changes and you feel like life is over it is because we are living our lives based on an expectation built from blueprints that no longer work. Stop and change your blueprints to fit YOU. Without faith and authenticity this kind of resiliency is impossible. I was searching to find out why the word faith was replaced with Hope and when and I found this – my entire rant is also part of the messsage of Kierkegaard – I think Tolstoy too, found Faith was the key to happiness after spending many years in despair searching for fufillment and life’s meaning.
Your despair is not an END it is a beginning as long as you don’t stop there. Suicide would be like driving all the way to an awesome theme park and hanging out in the parking lot then going home. You are unhappy for a reason and it is only through this journey that you will find your bliss.
https://academyofideas.com/2020/10/soren-kierkegaard-value-of-despair/
Hi, Thanks for those replies (OP here!). It’s nice just to know that someone read what you wrote.
Like a lot of people who end up on here, I think, I have no definite intention to commit suicide. I just wish sometimes that it could end. I do have faith, but I see it a little differently than you do: not as certainty, but as the acceptance of uncertainty. I need a certain amount of positivity in order to sustain it (it often feels like it’s me carrying God, not the other way round). And, like the man said, I see them as going together, Faith, Hope and Love.
I agree that our society as a whole lacks hope and genuine, spiritual purpose. I don’t think I can fix that though! And I’m glad you’ve found something that works for you.
I am an 89-year-old male whose wife died 20 years ago, and I have not been able to get over her passing. I live alone in the home in Dover, DE that I thought would be our retirement place together and it is becoming more difficult for me to continue in this manner. I don’t want to find myself in a nursing home but I have no relatives nearby. I have one daughter who is a French citizen and lives in France and two nieces, neither of whom is close by: one lives in Honolulu and the other in Washington, DC. I cannot find any reason to want to continue living. Have tried psychotherapy to no avail. Any advice?
Hi Lawrence.
Is there any possibility of going to live with or near your daughter? I know you’ll probably be thinking you don’t want to be a burden to her, but I’m sure she wouldn’t want to think that you didn’t feel you could turn to her when you needed her. And I’m sure she still needs you, too, we never stop needing our parents even if they’re not physically close by. And your wife wouldn’t want you to give up either, would she? When it comes, it comes, but meantime you’re living the dream for both of you, right? 🙂
Lawrence,
I can imagine how alone and afraid you feel about the uncertain future. I understand not wanting to live in a nursing home, and I also don’t think that’s a foregone conclusion. The Washington Post had an excellent article recently — Where do Americans live after 85? Look inside the homes of 11 seniors— that looks at diverse living situations. Some people in the article are fortunate to live with family, but the article also features two men — one who is 100, and the other who is 101 — who live alone in their home. So, you never know! That said, not all nursing homes are alike, and some people have positive experiences living there (including one of the people featured in the article).
You said you can’t find any reason to want to continue living. That reminds me of an anecdote I included in my book Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals:
“An elderly woman lived alone in a dilapidated house. In poor health and socially isolated, she lost interest in living. One day, the story goes, a relative who lived out of town called the psychiatrist Milton Erickson. The relative was concerned about her. Could Dr. Erickson please help?
“Dr. Erickson made a house call. He could see from the plants in the woman’s house that she liked African violets. Indeed, she grew them as a hobby. When she rejected his offer to help, he made a proposal: He would not bother her again if she would agree to take some African violets to people in her community who had experienced a major life event, such as the birth of a child, a wedding, or a death in the family.
“She took him up on the offer, and it changed her life. It got her out of the house. She forged connections with others. And she felt of value to the people who delighted in receiving her African violets. Years later, the story goes, a newspaper article appeared with this headline: ‘African Violet Queen Dies, Thousands Mourn.’
“This story, told and retold in various forms by numerous psychotherapists (Fiske, 2008), makes the important point that giving to others is a gift to oneself, as well. Growing the African violets was a passion for this once-isolated woman. In sharing these beautiful flowers with others, her sense of connection and value to others bloomed.”
I include that anecdote here because I wonder if, like the African violet queen, you could find reason to continue living by helping others in some way. Maybe?
I hope you do find a reason to live, and I hope you honor that reason, whatever it is.
Thank you for sharing here.
Is there ONE person who has been helped by calling these numbers? All they do is call the cops on you. More hell. Can one person say they were helped to be well. No I don’t think so. It is just all a waste of money for these places. The employees don’t care. When you are suffering 24/7 with out one minute of peace or pleasure and no sleep, death is the only answer. Why am I still living?? Why?
Diane,
Even though they certainly can’t help everybody, crisis lines have helped many people — thousands, maybe even millions. I myself have talked with people who said they were helped, and some have said so in comments they’ve submitted on this site. Also, researchers have systematically investigated whether hotlines are effective, and for many people (again, not all), they are. I sum up some of those studies in the post, Why Do Suicide Hotlines Get So Much Hate?
I’d like to challenge you to try — and I know this is easier said than done — to recognize that because something isn’t helpful, or maybe even is harmful, to you doesn’t mean that’s true of everybody. People are unique, our experiences are unique, our impressions are unique. In less than two years, 8.6 million people have called, texted, or used online chat with the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline. Many of those are people who call more than once. In fact, some people call 988 so much that limits are placed on them. That’s not an approach I favor, but I mention it here to illustrate that yes, yes, many people have been helped by crisis hotlines. If they didn’t get something from it, they wouldn’t keep calling back!
I’m sorry that hotlines haven’t helped you, and as I’ve said in other comments, sorry that you suffer so greatly. I hope that things get better for you, and thank you for sharing here. 🙂
My old roommate said that I’m a burden to everyone and that nobody loves me, cares for me or even wants to be my friend. I feel that she’s right, everyone is. Whatever everyone told me is true. I just want everything to end. I won’t kill myself but if anyone wants to kill me, I’ll just let them. School sucks, I always sleep in class, rarely do my homework and my grades are constantly dropping. I’m a loser, failure, good-for-nothing, piece of trash who only knows how to ruin ppl’s life. Everyone is tired of me and I’m tired of myself too. I just hope that I go to sleep tonight and never wake up from this nightmare ever again.
Don’t let them tell you those things , your young , go prove them wrong 💯
Do it for me , I’m too old , but your not * I care love to you & hugs from Angela in England.
This stacey woman does not know how horrible it is to be sick. I have brain damage and I stumble around the house all day. I can’t sleep for two years because of my brain. So she is gonna tell me life is worth living? She has NO CLUE about suffering unless she is sick. NO CLUE.
Diane,
It’s awful you suffer so much. I hope you’re able to experience at least a little sleep and relief soon. If you want to talk with someone by phone, text, email or online chat about what you’re going through, please check out these free resources.
Thanks for sharing here!
If you only knew how many doctors I have been to and ER three times No one could help. They only made me worse so I have no hope at all. The physical suffering with a brain injury is unlike any other. The torment is 24/7. No let up. Head pressure, shaking, no sleep, so afraid. Calling one of those numbers only brings the police. More torment for me. Almost two years of no sleep. No one believes me.
Your writing style is fine. Not an issue at all.
Dear Diane,
I am so sorry that you are sick & for what you are going through.
I don’t know this “stacey woman” or you, but I agree with you. She doesn’t have A CLUE & her response to you was cold, referring you to a website & ends her post with
“Thanks for sharing here!” – EXCLAMATION POINT! (??). Please Doc ….
Anonymous,
Well, I’m feeling very clueless because I had no idea the exclamation meant anything that could be construed as negative. My use of it was sincere. I truly am grateful to Diane for sharing here, because I know many readers feel less alone by seeing what others are going through.
I’m reminded of how I learned only recently that ending a text with a period has potentially insulting implications, which I never knew. It may be a generational thing — I’m in my 50s and didn’t grow up with the extra meaning punctuation seems to have acquired in our world of texting, DM’s, etc.
I care very much about everyone who posts here, and I grieve about all the suffering I witness in their words. At the same time, the site has received more than 10,000 comments and I’m the only person running it, so the comments are intended to be an exchange between readers rather than myself (especially because I can’t provide counseling here, for legal and ethical reasons in my profession). I’d hoped that my response, even brief, was better than none, but now I’m not so sure! I definitely learned something new and will be more careful about the nuances of exclamation points moving forward. Seriously! I’m worried my tone could sound facetious to others who don’t share an emphasis on punctuation, but I’m being sincere. And I do thank you for sharing here, too.
“This stacey woman,” as you put it is the Ph.D. therapist who is volunteering her time to help people in trouble. Claiming that only people who are suffering as you are can have “a clue,” is troubling, as it implies that only those in your own condition can understand or help you. That’s like saying only doctors suffering brain damage can understand and help people suffering brain damage. As to the further complaint about her using an exclamation point, that’s just a way of showing understanding and enthusiasm, vs just ending with a period, which can seem to imply indifference. At the very least, Dr. Freedenthal deserves more respect for her education and her attempts to help than to be reduced to the status of “this stacey woman.” While I sympathize with your suffering, I’m at a loss to explain the sheer hostility of your response to her and her valuable work.
Linda,
Thank you. I truly appreciate your supportive words. Yes, truly! (And yes, that exclamation point is definitely meant to convey enthusiasm and heartfelt gratitude.❤️)
hey, its jade. im quitting social life, maybe even my life. I dont feel like me nor do i feel loved. I know im loved and cared for but i dont know what to do. I guess i just wish to feel loved, i just want to be hugged tight and feel needed. I want to feel VISIBLE to others.
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Hey Jade. I totally know how you feel, I feel the same way. Quit social life if you want – I don’t blame you! – but please, luv, don’t quit life.
Quit social life, its exhausting. Get a dog or join a pet shelter, thats what i do. Animals want to be loved, just sitting with a shelter dog will make their day, and they will love you back unconditionally. You have so much to give, and there are creatures out there who are just as lonely. You have the ability to help them too, and you’ll be all the more happier because of it.
I don’t know where to start. Just so so tired of everything.
dead end work and phoney careers, Money, Politics, Social interaction. Endless government corruption, Media propaganda, rent, food, energy prices. Living in a house shares at 37. Lack of basic manners and basic civility in UK society today. Social media is a cancer and I believe is probably the root cause to our demise. Brexit ( so I’m stuck on this depressing island),
phony democracy. The cost of existing. The list goes on and on.
I regularly think about all those young people who fought in WW2 and never came home. The state of the country today does nothing but reinforce my belief that they died in vain.
Sorry for rambling.
Hi SD, I’m British too. I know what you mean, it feels like things ain’t what they used to be. But those people you’re talking about, who went through WWII, a lot of them had lives much harder than ours – and that’s before they went off to fight! I don’t think they’d be too impressed if we felt overwhelmed by the problems the country has got today.
Besides, mate: 2p off national insurance! Cheers!
i hate myslff
I have tried to commit suicide so many times it just has never worked! I was told inside my head years ago that I would not be able to do it but I would die at 56 it is only 3 years from now and I can’t wait.
i,am 56 and i want to die i can,t do this anymore
im thinking of ending it all i feel like im numb every morning i just douse myself in sadness and breathe in depression. im a useless bitch.no one gives a fuck if im suicidal they just tell me to do it. they wouldn’t care if i was gone and none of my friends would
Unknown,
The abject negativity with which you speak of yourself, the feelings of being useless, the self-condemnation, the thoughts of ending it all — these are symptoms of a problem. What that problem is, I can’t know or say from afar, but I can say that psychotherapy, psychiatry, crisis intervention, and other forms of treatment can help.
I hope you’ll get help. For starters, if you’d like to speak with someone by email, phone, online chat, or text, check out these free resources.
Thanks for sharing here.
I hate myself. I think I’m an incompetent idiot. I’d never try to kill myself but I wouldn’t care if I dropped dead on the floor right now. I’m in my mid 70s now so at least I know I won’t be around much longer.
Anonymous,
Those kinds of feelings are so, so painful. I hope that your mind is able to be kinder to you soon. If you want to talk with someone by phone, text, email, or online chat, you can find a list of resources here.
Thanks for sharing here.
I used to be happy. I had a woman who loved me, and that i loved. One day i left her. No explanation. I realized that I am the most ugly person i know, inside and out. I couldn’t muster the courage to explain this to her. I always felt there is something very sinister and awful about this world, and now i know what all those things are. And i wish i call call her and warn her, but its too late for that now, she wouldn’t hear it and i don’t blame her. I have forsaken my happiness in the hope that she may find hers with another. someone more normal. I think there should be a dating site for misanthropes like myself, and maybe some of you.
[This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]
I am in my 60’s, my hands hurt, i cant open bottles etc, my sight and hearing is going. I am alone, most days i receive no calls or text from anyone. i often go to bed praying that i don’t wake up. I work full time, mostly from home in a stressful job as i have to pay the mortgage and keep this house, that eats money. The house is a mess but i have no motivation to change it. I cant seem to make a decision about anything. nothing matters anymore i just want to give up and pray that god takes me soon. I wouldn’t actively try to kill myself but if i got ill like chest pain i would not seek help.
I’m tired of living. I’m useless, nobody needs me.
Bridge,
Those are such painful thoughts to have. They’re thoughts — not necessarily facts, probably not facts at all, but even if they are facts, they don’t have to be true permanently. So, please, don’t believe everything you think. And please talk or chat online with someone about what you’re thinking and feeling. You can find a lot of resources here.
Thanks for sharing here. I hope your thoughts are kinder to you soon.
My immediate family have died.I want to join them.Im married but feel alone.My life has been a waste of time.This world is nothing but hate, death and violence.I have tried to commit suicide before.But someone had found me.Ive struggled for years.Its gets harder everyday.I wish the pain would stop.Usually when I get to my lowest point.Ipunch myself in the face as hard as i can.Im rambling.Its hard be with someone you hate.Especially when its you.
i feel the same
No hope need to die
Harry,
Hopelessness is a feeling, not necessarily a fact — in fact, seldom a fact, and we could get into a whole philosophical discussion about whether it’s ever a fact at all. Regardless, feeling hopeless doesn’t mean there truly is no hope or that you need to die. I hope you will connect with someone by phone, chat, text, or email at one of the sites listed here. May you feel at least a drop of hope soon!
Harry I know it feels like there’s no hope sometimes, but things can turn around quickly. That advice below is really smart – you’ve gotta let those feelings out of your head and body. Bottling them up inside will just make them heavier. Speaking up now is a good first step. You’d be surprised how much better you might feel if you open up to someone you trust. Like a mom or uncle. Sharing with someone who will really listen in a safe space can help you work through what’s bothering you. Sometimes just saying it out loud or having a back-and-forth chat will help you feel less weighed down and see things differently.
And if there’s a problem you can’t solve on your own, even with help from people who care, there are professionals trained to understand and help with tough emotions. There’s nothing in this world that’s completely hopeless, except maybe when we keep everything to ourselves while feeling down. Eventually there’s no room for anything else. Your feelings are valid, man. I don’t think anyone goes through life without feeling that way at least once, and for most of us it’s more than once, especially when things aren’t perfect or there’s stuff bringing us down. Life has sad times but it can also be amazing. What I’ve learned is that as bad as it gets, once you get through it you feel so much better. Sad times also help you realize what really matters.
I’ve lost everything I cared about more than once too. I felt hopeless and that’s okay – our feelings are there for a reason to let us know when something isn’t right and what’s important to us. With those things in mind, I was able to make a plan. I took care of myself, did things that made me feel good and were good for me. The rest of the time I did what I could to change my situation. I asked for help when I needed it. There’s no shame in asking for help – it takes real strength to recognize we can’t do it all alone.
Life has sad and tough times, we all make mistakes. Some people can be jerks, and sometimes luck isn’t on our side. A million things can go wrong. But there’s so much wonderful stuff too, and we wouldn’t even know happiness without the low points. It sounds like you need someone to talk to. Keeping feelings bottled up or not having anyone makes them take over and seem way worse or bigger than they are. That’s because we’re not meant to deal with it all by ourselves. If talking to someone before didn’t help, it was probably because they weren’t the right fit. There’s an answer for every situation – you just can’t always see it alone. Sharing changes everything.
I see these comments and feel strange and kind of alone, after all, most of the people from the comments are not my age. I’m 13 almost 14 and I’m suicidal, I don’t know if I have any trauma since I for some reason struggle to remember things, I can’t even remember if I ate breakfast or not, I don’t even know what’s wrong with me! I just want to end everything right this instance but I’m afraid of the unknown, I don’t know what comes after life, what if it’s just more suffering and pain? I’m afraid to talk to someone because of rejection, my parents/family’s reaction, my psychologist and psychiatrist sending me to a mental hospital again, everyone else thinking I’m just doing it for attention… I’ve always wanted to live a long happy life, adopt 2 children, have more pets, but now… I just can’t take the pain; I don’t want to be here anymore. I know this comment is pretty pathetic and everyone has bigger problems than me, but I just had to write this.
Anonymous,
I’m grateful you wrote this. Thanks for sharing your experience; it will surely help somebody else (probably many somebodies) who reads this to feel less alone. And no, neither you nor any of the many people who experience similar problems are pathetic. Sorry, not buying that. Pain hurts; that’s its intent. You’re not pathetic for hurting.
Your pain is intense, and I can sense your confusion about why you’re having so many problems. Fear of the unknown is what keeps many people from ending their life. Some people even believe that suicide results in being reincarnated into another, more painful life to learn the lessons they didn’t learn in this one. I’m not saying that’s my belief, just validating for you that fears of the unknown — and the possibility of continued pain — are a powerful deterrent.
Even though you have a lot of reasons to fear telling your parents or friends or a therapist or psychiatrist about what you’re going through, I hope you’ll try. Life inevitably hurts, but it doesn’t have to hurt so intensely. There’s help available. You can also check out one of the resources listed here.
Thanks again for sharing here. I hope you’re in less pain soon — and I hope you have more pets and adopt children someday, too. 🙂
I was passively suicidal my entire life as long as I can remeber. Its funny that that was the time I was palatable to others, socially acceptable. Now that I have been to the bottom and found what matters and am content in who I am, i am an outcast. It sounds like you are depressed and perhaps living for others rather than yourself… what is your homelife like? What do you do for YOU?
I’m ready for dirt to be thrown in my face but I don’t want to hurt my kids and grandkids. My wife doesn’t matter since she’s threatened to leave me many times, even though I love her dearly. Her commitment to me isn’t even close to my commitment to her.
At lease you have family 🙁
You said “Talk with somebody about how you’re feeling. Sharing your thoughts…. serves two purposes: One, they can try to help you. Two, you may not feel so alone. ”
First of all, I don’t want to expect that they can help me. I assume more that I’ll just get rejected by them saying “That’ll go away” “It’s all in your mind” “There’s more problem in the world”
And second, I might feel more alone. And it’s more painful to feel alone in a group.
So yeah, maybe I’ll try opening up but not sure if it’ll work.
I don’t want to raise any expectation and just get disappointed in the end.
I have always struggled with how “talking to someone” can help with something like this. I know people care about me, but everyone I know also has their own struggles. My buddies can’t exactly convince me that life is worth living while they’re being laid off from the only jobs they’ve actually enjoyed and are now struggling to make rent.
This is what existence is for most people. We’re born to parents who are barely making ends meet. We then go on to work crappy jobs for decades and barely have enough money to afford the things we want to do in life. Then, if we do somehow get a well paying job, we’re too exhausted to do anything.
I think it’s wonderful that some people believe that life has inherent worth, but at the end of the day, those people aren’t going to pay my bills. And the people who are, are the ones who would gladly replace me with a machine.
Hi.
I think the reason for talking to someone is summed up by Jade, a couple of comments below:
“Ya’know, I’m reading all these comments and feel weirdly comforted that I’m not the only one that thinks these things. I guess people get so caught up in their own worlds that it’s nice to put it in perspective. ”
No, they won’t be able to solve your problems. But the process of doing it, even of reading and commenting here, gets people out of their own head and helps them realise they’re not alone. I guess you must understand that, right? Or you wouldn’t have left your own comment.
what keeps me going is knowing someday it will be over, spending time with my dog in quiet solitude away from people
We are literally the same person. This is an EXACT summary of my existence. Who would love your dog & take care of your dog like you do? That’s basically all you got right? I truly cannot stand human interaction. I’m just waiting to have it all be over one day. Yup, Same 🙌🏻
I feel exactly like this.. but now two days ago my dog has passed. My world is empty and I have absolutely no purpose in it. I want to be with him now, not here.
Anonymous,
I’m very sorry about the loss of your family member. Pets are so special and beloved that it’s devastating to lose them. In your grief, you believe you have no purpose anymore. If you believe you will have no purpose in your life forevermore, when you’re ready — not as a substitute or replacement but as an extension of your love — I’m sure there are many animal rescue organizations that would avidly disagree with you.
Thanks for sharing here.
Ya’know, I’m reading all these comments and feel weirdly comforted that I’m not the only one that thinks these things. I guess people get so caught up in their own worlds that it’s nice to put it in perspective. Life just sucks and I kind of don’t want anything to do with it. I try to be a good person so why is it so hard.
But then I go for a walk in a beautiful area or try a new experience, be it yoga or volunteer for something random. I do these things on my own – I have no real friends. And while sometimes my enjoyment turns into something bittersweet and I’m quick to regress to these dark thoughts, I know for a moment there was something nice in the world. For a second I could easily forget all my worries and it’s refreshing. It’s those moments I don’t want to miss out on. I’m sorry to hear that everyone is hurting in these comments, but think of what you would miss out on.
Feeling overwhelmed and wanting to die can stem from intense emotional pain, hopelessness, or challenging circumstances, but it’s important to know you’re not alone and support is available. Remember, your life has inherent value, and there are people who care about you deeply. Even then, if you think no one cares, your worth and potential for a better future are not defined by the perceptions of others. The whole world is your oyster.
Given time, life can lead you to a brighter future worth living for. Just stick with it. Sorry for projecting, I needed to hear this too.
Well said. Thanks
I’m so tired of this thing called life everyday it is some bullshit am in a program that is supposed to be giving support and of course they don’t do anything but Bullshit me and my other Veteran friends and I supposed to be married and she never give a fuck about me all she thinks about is whatever she has going on and her happiness never think about me I just want to be appreciated and loved but that will never happen since I lost my mother and my daughter nobody cares about me but my other daughter and I feel bad because if am gone what will happen to her but I did leave her everything but if I kill myself she gets nothing so I would have to make it look like an accident. I’m just tired
Yeah, I feel you mate, especially losing your daughter. You can’t leave your other daughter though, can you? Whatever else happens, you have to stick by her. Money can’t replace having her Dad around.
What’s wrong with being dead?
Sooner or later, all of us are.
Ray,
True, we all die! In the meantime, we as a society have hospitals and medicines and seat belts and food and water and stoplights and helmets and heat and vaccines and all sorts of other tools — millions, really — that we use to stay alive. Why do you think that is?
its so peaceful to be asleep and then I wake up and a sickening feeling comes up on me because I didn’t want to wake up. I want to leave this corrupt world but I have to think of what it would do to my family.
I am a 64 year old woman. I am tired of the crap that seems to wash over my family year after year. I know everyone has shit to deal with and I know it is all relative. But I just can’t deal with it anymore. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I want to disappear. I want it to be over.
With you on that one. And why does the start of the new year, especially, always seem to be one bad thing after another? You think, life doesn’t need to be like this…if only people would be ordinarily decent, fulfil their responsibilities, act with common courtesy, not try to exploit others or show what big men they are, everything – everything in my life, and everything in the world – would be fine!
Like they say, you never know what’s around the corner…but usually, it’s more corners.
Don’t let them tell you those things , your young , go prove them wrong 💯
Do it for me , I’m too old , but your not * I care love to you & hugs from Angela in England.
I feel the same way, I want to go to sleep and never wake up, I pray every day God will let me die.
I am a 70 year old woman and am in a similar situation. for the past 25 years, there have been so may incidents in my family that cause me to feel so much sadness. Feeling heart broken and overwhelmed, I just want to die peacefully in my sleep. Waking up in the morning is a great disappointment as I have to face another day of bull…….t. Being on medication and seeing a therapist helps a bit. I told myself to be strong for my grandchildren and not to take life too seriously. I keep telling myself that we humans are so insignificant compared to the vast universe. Everyone dies. Even the sun will die someday. So, what is the point of anything?
What is the point? I don’t believe there is one. But in a way, that keeps me going. Something horrible will happen, and I’ll feel dreadful for a while, and then i think “but none of it matters” and feel ok to move on. And I’ve been living to see another day, because there are fleeting moments in life when i do feel happy. But it’s not easy.
Stay strong, for your grandkids and yourself. That’s a brave thing to do!
I’m tired of being alive, I feel so lonely even with people around me,I feel so tired have to wear a mask to say I’m ok even though my heart is bleeding, I’m tired to put a front saying I’m strong for the family, I’m tired I lost all my feelings to be happy, I forgot how happiness feel,maybe I never have that feeling before, I’m tired being tired, how I envy people go to sleep and not waking up,I really want to be one of those people and I hope is soon like yesterday.
I feel like you…I just want to quit
I came here with the purpose of examining my mental state like I do almost every month. Nothing new, but every time I examine myself it just gets worse. Recently, it’s been really hard to just… live. For years I’ve struggled with my mental health, and there have been innumerable amounts of times where my life felt like it was crashing around me. In these past few days, I’ve tried to distract myself with content and movies to invite temporary bursts of dopamine. There are times where I stop feeling motivated and all I want to do is just feel some small semblance of comfort. I’m alone. I don’t have friends to talk to or family to confide in. I’m at a crossroads in life; in and out of sleep depravation, trying to cling onto my sanity as it flows away bit by bit. My appetite has lessened. My productivity has lowered. Maybe this is how it’s meant to be. These thoughts are ones that I can’t control, and the pain that gnaws fresh every day doesn’t help. I really wish I didn’t feel this way. I wish that the pain would stop and I wish I wouldn’t feel so disconnected from everyone and everything. Alas, I don’t have a genie and I can’t wish it gone. I’ve been surfing around the Internet, trying to find an understanding of myself, but the more I find the more I wish I didn’t find it at all. Here I am just adding one more symptom or feeling that expands my misery. Now it’s passive suicidal ideation. I guess i wanted to vent a little, maybe succumb to self-pity and loathing like usual. So, if this comment reaches anyone at all, I know that you’re here for a reason and I really, really need you to take care of yourself, okay? It’s hard, and every single day feels like a struggle, but trust me when I say that one good thing can change a multitude of bad things. So take care of your skin today, or eat more of that food you like, or pick out an outfit that you really want to wear, or read that book that you’ve been drooling over. I don’t know, just do something good for your body. It needs it. Anyway, that’s my time. I should go. See you on the flip side, stranger. :p
Emmie, it’s sad to read how hurt and alone you feel. And then, you are able to give such excellent advice to others. I wonder if you’ve followed that advice yourself? I would add to your advice one important detail: try to get help. Whether you call 988 or text 741741 or use another resource listed at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp, there are places you can talk with someone for free.
Thanks for sharing here! And please take good care.❤️
I guess that’s more or less how everyone ends up here — Midnight at the Lost and Found! Good luck, see you there too. :p
Thankyou. Your comment reached me.
I HAVE NO FRIENDS
You’re hurting…just know that we feel it!
UNKNOWN,
I too, have no friends…it’s lonely…
I have been a passive suicidal for many years. I don’t believe I want to die yet I cant stop romancing my death. I concede that i am very unhappy with my lifestyle. I am loving, caring and generous beyond my means.. no enemies other than myself . Many look up to me for advice and general help with life’s matters.. I’m non violent by nature but I recognize the real potential which lies within . I am an animal lover and I feel their pain as they suffer.. I do all I can to relieve their suffering , feed , shelter, love and protect them from the bad people whom are too many by my standards.. I am not above taking a human life to defend that of an innocent animal..I have no Criminal Record .. non felon , non domestic violent, law abiding for the most part.. last interaction with law enforcement was 2003 domestic involvement described as acting in defense of mother from physical harm at the hands of abusive husband . This is a little of who I am.. I just want to fly, I was meant to fly only I’ve been grounded for too long!… I want to be free, I want to fly
i just want to die,i am so tired of getting up each day wishing i would drop dead today,but i guess my time to go is not here ,so i guess i will just keep on been ready to die, but not yet too bad, i just want to die!
I dont have time to write about why? just how
It’s important to address this. Can you share what’s happening. I want to know.
Despite what you claim about friends or family to talk too ,is a bunch of poppcock. The truth is nobody wants to hear it. Certainly not your spouse ,just look and talk to you like your a human failure, family why would you do that,, its so selfish and becomes all about them. That that’s when the depressed one becomes tight lipped and keeps on smiling through their pain the feelings of angst and failure haunt you. My only regret in life was my failed suicide attempt in 1981. I would’ve been successful if a good friend of mine decided to check up on me because I didn’t go to work,,although i had called in sick,,,which I never did. I had seen my Dr and received a prescription for Ativan and valium. Took both bottles,,I cant recall the amount of tablets,,I remembered the bottles weren’t that big. When my friend found me,,I was unconscious,,non responsive. No ambulance was available,,he took me to emerg,,still unconscious,,I was roused when I arrived emery,,my friend screaming for a gurney, back into unconsciousness,,remember next, being in a treatment room floating above my body,,heard someone yell she’s going,,then blackness. I awoke four days later in ICU really confused,disappointed. My stay in hospital for a month. I did not receive psychiatric care,,my primary nurse was a very mean lady. I declined meds,,,my depression was never addressed, discussed,,nothing. fast forward,,I went to college, became a nurse,,.but now I’m alone, failing health,,my best friends have past away. I was hopeful the federal government in Canada would finally approve the right to die for mental illness,,, but they have delayed the ruling in favor. For five more years. Stating that mental illness is nor enough,,,its a certainty that suicide rates will rise,,probably very messy ones living with mental illness like clinical depression is a nightmare. I don’t display it to the world,,,I have my mask that smiles, with a stiff upper lip. I have seen a couple of therapists over the years with ridiculous advice. Yet here I am,,another sleepless night not able to sleep,, but I don’t have nerve to swallow a bunch of my legally deadly prescription meds,,,not the gal I was in 1981,, Oh I do take antidepressants, have for 25 years,,,only made me flat,going through motions. What to do.
I 100% feel you and wish I could put my feelings and experiences into words as you do. I’m glad you’re here! You make a difference to me. I’m sorry if that sounds selfish. YOU DEFINITELY MAKE A DIFFERENCE IN MY LIFE ❤️
Dear Catherine;
Thank you for replying to my comment,, it has tugged at my soul,, that someone cares.
I hope what haunts you can be resolved. I care.
You’re not wrong, saying that people don’t want to hear it. We all want to support kids feeling depressed, but grown-ups are supposed to stand on their own two feet; not only that, but to join in the pretence that life is a carnival, and help keep that pretence going. And it’s understandable: everyone has problems of their own, why would they take on yours too?
Honestly though…isn’t there anything in the last 40 years that you’re glad you stayed alive for? Surely there has to be something, and I would think there a lot of things.
Thank you for your comment. Yes their were good moments in life, 30 year palliative care nursing career. Had seven dogs little Bichon frise and a Yorkie poo,, all which were my joy, my love.,,, the love from a pet is priceless. I got married to an emotionally abusive husband for 25 years,, I was too busy to really bother with it,, then I ended it when my health started to change,, my pups lived long happy lives, however passed on. But the thought of suicide had been in my quiet time,, yes I stand on my two feet just fine,, stiff upper lip. You see when I young child I was molested by family member,for two years,, with the famous words of the molester,, don’t tell anyone they won’t believe you,, I was terrified. Fast forward to high school I was gang raped by five boys from school two err older. I was afraid to tell my parents,, as I was convinced this was my fault for skipping school,,, few years later,, I had a stalker,,, t who had beat me the crap out of me, I was hospitalized for a week. I never laid eyes on this person in my life. After that event I moved away. Working a day job,, keeping to myself,, another stalker ,, apparently he had following me for six months,, thankfully I did notice him called police. They caught him,, he was a psych patient. I truly believed I was cursed. I didn’t dress provocatively ,, I wore professional attire. No anti stalking laws. but the nightmares of the past really impacted me. Yes I survived this.
(This is a reply to your reply)
You’ve had a lot to bear. Good for you, that you’ve kept going despite it all.
I don’t sleep either & I, too, smile through my pain. I know how you feel & I am so sorry that you are going through all of this.
Thank you for your reply,,, I hope your pain will ease with help. I care .
I believe I am forgetting everything. Everything I had learnt, painstakingly through my bachelor’s and master’s, it’s all going away. I barely remember what I had studied, have almost zero knowledge retention, and to top it off, I believe I am losing my research skills too. I used to be worried during my master’s about the fact that I don’t know anything, don’t know how to go about things. Now when I read something I wrote then, I start crying. Not to say that was really good work, but that was learning, for there was growth and understanding. I could not believe that those words and analyses were mine. Not copy pasted, or chat gpt generated. My own words and thoughts articulated on paper. I don’t know if I am writing this to say that I miss that side of me and want to get back to who I used to be, or if it is that I am scared, of not knowing where life is headed and what I am doing with it or even want to do with it. I am scared of going back because I am sure I won’t fare well. I was bad already and being out of touch has made me consistently worse, so I don’t know anymore how to get back and how stay and survive. I am so scared, not just because of this, but also because I has all retuned, the all prevailing sadness all the time every time, the unsurity, lack of clarity, boredom, giving in to what brain says, confusion, not understanding anything, brain refusing to stay focused one things, no work getting done, room in bad state, me in bad state, drinking, smoking, isolating, not wanting anyone around, not believing anyone to be true in our relationship, scared I am losing everything including my mind,wanting to cry all the time, with only moments of silent calm clarity where the answer is found and the paths too. It’s just a selfish answer, will hurt sp many people around me, I won’t know then but I know now. Help please help someone. Is life really supposed to be this confusing?? And look I know I have stable job in my life, familiar environment and people I go back to, and yet something never clicks. I am too selfish too selfish.
I hope I have this right, you’re not forgetting because of a physical condition or anything but just because you’re not using what you learned? And you feel you’re not fulfilling your hopes and aspirations for your life?
I mean, it’s difficult to give specific advice without knowing you better, but it sounds like your life is okay otherwise and, if you can get back to academia, why would you not do that when it means so much to you? Sounds like a case for ‘feel the fear and do it anyway’.
On the other things though, not knowing where life is headed or finding it confusing – I’d say that’s pretty normal! 🙂 More something you learn to deal with, rather than something you escape.
I know the feeling. I did so well in highschool, and i look back and worry what changed in my life. I know I’m the same person, but no matter how hard I try I don’t find life as easy anymore. All of a sudden at university I’ve haven’t performed the same and I don’t know what to do in my life. What do i want to do? Will I be able to get a job when I graduate? What use is my degree even? I’m a failure. What happened to all my potential? No one really cares about my problems, and if they did, how could they even help – they’re better off not knowing.
Moral of the story: People don’t change; situations do. If the situation doesn’t match up with who you really are or what you believe in, it can throw you for a loop. You might start feeling like you’re living someone else’s life or just going through the motions. But hey, it happens to the best of us. The good news is, it’s not the end of the world.
I hope I’m on the right track here, this is a long response, but I totally get where you’re coming from. It’s like you were on top of the world – or at your best – acing everything without breaking a sweat. But then, bam, suddenly everything feels ten times harder. It’s like you’re stuck in this fog of uncertainty, questioning your abilities and your future.
But here’s the thing: feeling lost or unsure doesn’t make you a failure. It’s just a bump in the road, a chance to reassess and recalibrate. Your potential hasn’t gone anywhere; it’s just waiting for the right opportunity to shine.
And hey, it’s okay to reach out for help when you’re feeling overwhelmed – getting things off your chest can make a world of difference. So hang in there, take it one day at a time, and remember that it’s okay not to have all the answers right now. You’ve got this. Your still the same person, stop thinking that it is you who has changed and not the situation.
Your moments of silent calm clarity where the answer is found and the paths too: you feel a sense of calmness and direction, despite the turmoil, suggesting a search for understanding and solutions amidst the chaos. but there’s no need to search. It’s a new situation, and consequently a new you. It’s a chance to take a step back, figure out what really matters to you, and make some changes. So yeah, while it might feel like you’re lost in the weeds right now, there’s always a path forward. Just gotta take it one step at a time.
Despite having external stability, you seem to feel a sense of inner disconnection or dissatisfaction, yet your grappling with feelings of self-blame or inadequacy, perceiving your struggles as a selfish burden on others.
Even with stability, it’s natural to seek deeper fulfillment. Yet, taking care of yourself isn’t selfish; it’s necessary for well-being. Your feelings are valid, and reaching out for support doesn’t burden others; it allows them to offer help and understanding. You’re not alone in this, and honestly I feel like i need to hear this more than you, so thankyou for letting me vent. Good luck, you’ve got this.
I want to die. My problem is that I am incapable of violence and the thought of cutting my wrists or doing something with a lot of pain involved- well I cannot bring myself to do it.
As a highly sensitive person, I cannot even watch movies like that, let alone enact it upon myself.
I don’t want to live. My entirely life is a struggle and I’ve always been a good person, helping others.
Why can’t we all accept that some of us just don’t belong on this earth, that we are pure souls that are tortured and suffer? We should be able to exit peacefully.
there is no sutch thing as a painless death . my 100 year old grand who passed was in horible pain arithis copd bad hips bad legs the last 5 years she was bed bound she hurt so bad it got to the point of putting her on morphine which brought on more problems she was adgitated upset she would go off at the drop of a hat
Lucia, I totally agree. Reading your comments felt like I was reading my own life. That’s where I am now.
I’m also in pain and wish I have the intestinal fortitude to x my life. I lack the courage to do myself in
You look alright. You should be able to be happy. i Look like shit. i am Fit but ugly. i would do it but unfortunately my nuclear family is still alive and it might bum them out.
I have had this particular type of thought for decades,after therapy for most of the last 40 years,I still struggle with the same issues everyday,I believe I have used all the methods known to the science of Depression,still I pray for death. I am 73 years old,physically healthy,working but. ,broke and alone without hope.
Not alone, mate, at any rate! I guess we’re all in more or less the same boat. Like they say, it’s a hard life if you don’t weaken…
I know this is a minor consolation (if at all), but I hear you 🙁
I feel the same. I take comfort that I am not the only one who feels this way.
I want to end my life while I am asleep i have been suffering from suicidal thoughts.And that i failed as a daughter and a sister they have hope and expectations form me.I don’t know what to do i only 11 days left for 10th final exam and i haven’t studied anything at all.I have no idea what i will do my friends and family are expecting to me score good grades in my exam but i am a failure.I used to be a topper and now i don’t even feel like studying at all.I just to be dead and nothing else
A 15 year old girl,
What you’re experiencing sounds so painful and frightening. I can see why you feel hopeless but it also doesn’t mean your feelings are facts! Your thoughts of being a failure, your inability to study, your wish to be dead — all these can be symptoms of a treatable medical problem. I can’t diagnose you, of course, but it’s worth going to a doctor or therapist or a trusted adult and telling them what you’re experiencing. If you do have depression or something else that accounts for your symptoms, many different things can help you, including therapy, medication, cognitive-behavioral exercises, meditation, exercise programs, and more.
Hi.
In your position it’s easy to get things a little out of proportion. I don’t suppose your family will love it if you don’t do well in your exams, but they’ll get over it and will realise that it isn’t the end of the world. They’ll surely understand that you’re trying to figure stuff out, and cut you some slack. My wife failed her exams first time round. It allowed her to re-assess and get into a career she liked instead of the one she was heading for, which we’re both pretty sure she would have hated. Turned out the best thing that could have happened.
Has not helped at all
You are right on. At the most if you tell them you’re suicidal they just want to lock you away. Yea I want to die been that way since the 70s in the military. But now the government wants to put away anybody with mental health issues. I thought my brain was part of my body. Health care. I don’t give a shit about my life but I’d never want to hurt another person. This is my issue only. I’ve had it planned, stamped and just waiting for enough balls to do it, or get drunk enough. It’s my life and I’ll end it when I want. It does not get better, ever.
Agreed
I’m kind of done with this I can’t go on, a guy in my class touched my chest and I was uncomfortable I tolled one fo my friends and laughed it off, and know everyone in my class knows I had other problems going so this just added up to my mental problems, I said to my boyfriend that I needed some space if that was alright and he said it was fine he went off to tell on one of our friends, I just needed some space was that too much to ask for?, i wouldn’t be surprised if all the class knew by today. A normal life, was it too much to ask?
I am an uncle to 4 nieces and a nephew I am also very protective of them anyone who touches you with out your consent in any way shape or form is considered Lewd conduct and is crime it self i would suggest reporting to the police of
Or family member or a priest. Your personal space was vilolated
To a 12 year old girl,
I’m so sorry that happened to you. For someone to touch your chest without your consent can be considered sexual assault. Is there an adult you feel comfortable talking to about it, whether at school or in your family or elsewhere? You can always call 988 at any time to talk with someone, or text 741741. I hope you’ll be OK!
Hi.
I have a daughter your age. I know that everything that happens seems overwhelming. It will pass, but you have to hang in there. As the Doc says, talk to someone – preferably (imo) your parents. You have nothing to be ashamed of, I’m sure they’ll be understanding, and they’re in the best place to help you. As for what your class thinks, who cares?
Btw you probably think everyone else has a normal life, and only you have these troubles. Actually no-one’s life is normal! 🙂
A “normal” life is too much to ask. Why? because it does not exist. You should find out the things that interest YOU. Shallow people come and go. most people are vapid dumb animals. when you find what really makes things “click” for you… you will find others who find value in said thing and it might get better. good luck.
I feel as if I wish I had never been born – I get physical problems and ” laughingly” think to myself – a health issue and I have to do what the Dr says – why can’t I get something fatal!
Only not really laughing
My Mother tried to commit suicide 3 times when I was in Junior High and once when I was 20 – my Dad was happy as could be when they kept her in psychiatric floor for a week each time I remember being left alone – he worked night shifts – and wondering do I go to school. Do I need a note? Excuse Susan if she is tired today, yes, her Mother loves her do much that she tried and failed…..a g a i n
To commit suicide and leave Susan on her own
Now I think , Why didn’t I go to a neighbor? It was scary and confusing
I made sure each time we changed our will that my ” DNR” form was updated with current date and distributed to friend and husband with threats they better keep me going – and passed out to Dr.s and Hospitals, I hate being alive!
What a terrible thing to go through with your Mum, I’m so sorry.
Hello! I am from Argentina. Our situation here is becoming worse by the minute and more and more people are getting tired of never being able to improve. Hopelessness is the currency here. Anger, violence, and mistreatment are the most common responses we get when trying to help others. I am so tired of all of it. I started thinking about never waking up again. And I felt some kind of comfort thinking about that. I also realised that people who love me might get hurt and feel responsible. And I do not want that. I don’t want to hurt anybody. I just want to stop suffering.
Hi.
I think it’s getting to be the same all over. We in Britain have made a right mess of things over the last 10 years. You look around the world, you don’t see anywhere right now that looks like it has its head together. And dark forces are gathering.
Suffering is the human condition though, right? You have to see it through. As Frankl says, even if all else fails you can still at least be worthy of your sufferings. And, sad though we might be, I don’t think many of us are in a position where that’s all we have. Like you say, how can we commit suicide when there are people that love us?
Lucia, i agree with you. I am just kinda waiting till my mother and uncles/ some aunts die. then i can murder myself without that being a maybe bummer for them.
And to the anon, you are wrong. suffering is not a human condition. It is imposed upon us by those that have ungodly sums of money and influence.
do you think if they did not suppress all the technology and free energy/ all the good stuff… so much suffering would prevail?
I will go from birth to death without mattering to a single person. What a fucking cruel joke life is. I too see every day people getting in awful accidents, getting terrible illnesses etc. These people want to live, have families that love them, and they are gone. I ask everyday for one of those assholes on the freeway to take me out instead. Here I am. Wasting space.
Anonymous,
It is so, so painful to feel that way. I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. I hope you’re getting help or will consider doing so, if not. Most of the time (if not always?) when one’s mind is so vicious toward oneself, there’s a problem to address, whether that’s trauma, mental illness, or something else. In other words, don’t believe everything your mind tells you.
Thanks for sharing here.
I saw your website and I feel exactly that way I go to bed hoping that I do not wake it’s a terrible feeling I lost my family my job and how my rental apartment I always said when I run out of money I’m going to end it
S,
That sounds devastating. I hope you’ll try to get help — both emotionally and financially. I have no idea where you live, but in many places there are agencies, churches, etc. that provide assistance with rent or temporary housing. I know that’s small solace in a country with so much homelessness, but I do hope your financial situation doesn’t become a death sentence.
Thanks for sharing here!
I feel like this to often my wife left me and now she is back but I’m not happy because I don’t feel like she really wants to be with me am just convince. I don’t understand how you can be married to someone but never show any kind of affection or intimacy towards your significant other things are only more important than you. I’m just tired of being you know I lost both parents and grandparents and I lost one of my daughters I feel that guilt everyday and can’t shake it. Everyone only happy is when they are getting what they want whatever that is just want to be wanted. I don’t feel like it will make a difference if I was not here nobody will miss me well only my 6 year daughter that’s the hardest part do I leave her with pain and heartache I do I do her a favor and just move on? She will be better off without me.
I think you know the answer mate, you can’t leave your daughter and she def won’t be better off without you. Every time I think I can’t go on in my marriage, I think of my kids, especially the youngest, and I know I just can’t do that to her. Any suffering is better than that.
As for your wife, who knows? Some people just aren’t good at showing affection, doesn’t nec mean they don’t feel it. She came back, that has to mean something – means a lot!
I hate my life. I’m sick and I can’t get welll.
Jean,
I know it’s awful to feel that way, especially if you also feel trapped in your painful situation. It’s not clear to me that you’re having suicidal thoughts, but even if you’re not, some of this article may help to challenge those feelings of despair, at least a little: Are You Thinking of Killing Yourself?
Thanks for sharing here!
Can’t or won’t? Be specific. i am always looking into ailments and cures and know quite a bit. For starters. cut out all processed food. only organic if you can afford. stop using products with chemicals. Try detoxing heavy metals/ pesticides. try fasting. there are alot of things one can do. good luck.
I have felt this way for decades and am now in my 60’s. The best thing about my life is that I am now far, far closer to the end of it than I am to the beginning. I am autistic and have also had some serious physical illnesses. For the last 24 years I have had no family: my parents passed on (father in 1997 and mother in 2000) , I have no siblings, no partner and no children. I honestly don’t know why I am still here, in this hell. Even on my ‘better’ days I wish I could die every day. My anxiety and depression can be overwhelming and the feeling of total aloneness is devastating. I have some friends, but sometimes find connecting even to them really hard. I ask God to take me home, but He keeps me here much against my will. I hate life.
If it helps at all, I know just how you feel. I, too, have no family, no friends & I’m all alone. I’m an only child & I lost my father when I was young in 1984 & my mother in 1998. My precious dog & I were hit by a car almost two years ago & I still grieve for her can’t get over my loss. My partner passed shortly after I got out of the hospital & it’s difficult being without him as he was in my life since I was 17. I’m 74 so getting another pet doesn’t seem likely. My so-called friends have moved on with their busy lives & don’t think of me. My losses have taken their toll & I’m not the person I used to be. I’m just afraid of taking the next step for fear it won’t work. I know this doesn’t help & have no words to say except that I hear you & I’m sorry.
Chris,
You describe powerfully your pain and wish to die. I hope you’re able to connect with your friends and maybe others, too, you haven’t yet met. It sounds like you may be religious. If so, and if you’re Christian, maybe this book would be of help: I Love Jesus but I Want to Die.
Thanks for sharing here!
The whole human race should just go extinct. We are a cancer upon the world.
We’re working on it
I totally agree. All humans are parasitic scum. At war since day dot and they’ll be the same until the very end. I look forward to dying. I just wish I knew when it was going to happen, so I could look forward to it all the more. I’m so unhappy and have never been enamored with life or living. When I die, no one will miss me and why would they.. I hate me and all other human beings. Even the so called nice people share the same nasty human thoughts and tendencies, so we’re all the same. Putrid filth..just like me.
I don’t see the sense of comments like this. Whatever you say about humans – you are one! And if they were extinct, there wouldn’t be anybody to say what parasitic scum they are. It’s kind of like people imagining enjoying their own funeral, and how sorry everybody will be, forgetting that they won’t actually get to witness it.
I know I fit this bill & the last few days I really do because my wife of 20 years wants to end it and I’m devastated. The only reason I wasn’t dead years ago is because of a family member who did go through with it and I even saw his body laying in my moms yard with skull fragments everywhere! He made it real it’s not a fantasy and when you do it it’s over and it hurts survivors more than you could ever imagine. His suicide made me unable to at least so far. I have prayed to die more than I can count and have been very disappointed when I wake up in the mornings every day lately. I don’t want to be on this planet when she finds someone else and the mere thought of it makes me physically ill! I know I will too but I don’t want someone else I want my wife back and our kids in a complete home.
That’s rough, I feel for you. I’m not clear whether your wife has already left but if not I’d say, fight for it, don’t give up, keep your marriage going any way you can even if it’s not a lot of fun for a while. And you never know, you may come through. Like the man said, it ain’t over till it’s over.
But if the worst comes to the worst, remember you lived without her before. If you have to, you can again.
If you hold on, you’ll be ok. I have friends who have gotten divorced, share custody of their kids, and i have seen what their life looks like on the other side of what you’re going through. And you can come out the other end in one piece
I don’t know you or your wife, but I assume the cause of the split is something that can’t be reconciled. I know you love your wife, but if the impasse can’t be crossed, then there may be nothing you can do to stay together. And that’s ok. Some relationships weren’t meant to work out long term. Some work for a time, but things change. It would be worse, l think, to stay in a relationship that your wife is miserable in, than to both move on.
I don’t know you or your wife, but I assume the cause of the split is something that can’t be reconciled. I know you love your wife, but if the impasse can’t be crossed, then there may be nothing you can do to stay together. And that’s ok. Some relationships weren’t meant to work out long term. Some work for a time, but things change. It would be worse, l think, to stay in a relationship that your wife is miserable in, than to both move on.
You’re feeling awful right now, and it’s understandable. Ending a relationship is always hard. And life is no fun when it feels like the ground is shifting under you. Take care of yourself and be open to help from others. This will be hard, but i believe you can live through this. Maybe we both can.
I struggle every day! My girl friend of 20 years passed away November 2,2022. For 20 years I was so happy I had found someone who loved and understood me… only to find out after her death and going through her things I find a letter she left for me that she actually hated me… the fucking pain I have everyday from this is HORRIBLE!
Aw, that’s really sad. But I’m sure she didn’t hate you – why stay with you for 20 years? She was probably just feeling bad when she wrote it. Like they say, you always hurt the one you love.
The problem with sharing your thoughts with someone else is, they think it’s their responsibility to report you to a cop and then get you arrested witch only makes you wish for death even more!
This did not help
Someday I will die. Someday everyone who will ever live will die, so, why not now? Death best, no pain no worries. Eternal peace.
Ray,
If it were that simple, no one would choose to be alive. But the fact is, life is meaningful and worth living to far, far more people than those who feel otherwise. If you feel life isn’t worth living, chances are there are other problems at work that can be helped with counseling, medication, or other help. I hope you’ll give those a try.
I don’t know, I try but I feel like all my good intentions are misunderstood and nobody really loves me. What is the point? I’m not getting anywhere. It would be easier to just end it.
I have felt this way for so long until I went on an antidepressant it has literally changed my outlook. I went into a very dark place and alienated some people that were close to me. I do have some resentment because it was always up to me to be the strong one. However when things aren’t what they seem they weren’t there for me. So I’ve moved on and broke unto the other side. Happy New Year and hope everyone makes it through another year no matter how difficult it is.
Casimir,
It’s wonderful your antidepressant helps you so much! Thanks for sharing here. You’ll never know how many people your sharing will touch, and I’m certain it will give some people hope.
I feel like I’m in the same boat. No matter what I do, it seems like I irritate people and that everyone is just tolerating me. I still wish I can just sleep and never wake up again.
Exactly how I feel.
i want to die so fn bad, i cant kill myself because its against religion. I want to die so bad, i have endless rejection for ten years, i have to switch jobs every other month, i have no friends, i have no money, i have no hope, i am already dead inside, i just want to die so bad, im sick of trying again and again, im sick of living this shit life on repeat. i want to die sooooo badddd! can i hire someone to kill me?
Sorry, I probably shouldn’t but that last bit made me smile. Gallows humour! But I don’t think you can fool God that easily…
ali i would trade places with you. You don’t have brain damage so you can have times when you feel good. I have not had one second when I felt good in two years because of my brain damage. Money is not important. I am too sick to spend even a dollar. I just lay 24/7. My head is dizzy and pressure in my whole head. It feels like it weighs 100 pounds. I would trade with you in a minute. I tried three times to kill myself but just damaged my brain more. I can not do anything. I take a shower once a day. Can barely stand. That is all I do. Just eat garbage food. I pray I have a heart attack and die but I won’t. I would love to hire someone to kill me too.
I feel this too, and wished I could pay someone, nothing has meaning anymore, never has if I’m honest, I despise every waking second, I’m using oxygen that someone else needs wish I could take away a child’s illness so I take there place
i just need to die!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Want to die don’t want to talk
you say speak to a trusted friend etc – what if there is no one you trust, you have no family and you have no friends? You clearly do not understand the effect long standing depression has on a person’s life.
I can understand how you feel, same have family, friends but noone understands. There is no point to talk
I’m 63, divorced with no friends. I leave the house only when I have to go to the office. I do all my shopping online so I don’t have to make conversation. My 2 close friends both cancelled me because I’m boring. My sister has a busy life than doesn’t have time for me. No one would miss me if I die, but I’m a coward and so I’m still here hating my life and hating myself for doing nothing to end it
Carol i read you , i do all house work , but inside im empty like you no one cares , they care when the routine disturbs their work not been done. Otherwise i do not exist. Im coward saying all this, feeling this pain but not doing anything to end it.
It’s not cowardice to live in spite of your hurt, it’s courage.
I took opioids twice to try to kill myself. They were given to me for back pain I have for over 4o years. All it did was damage my brain. I can not do anything. I never clean anything. Sleep in the same sheets for a year. I can’t bear the thought of turning on the washing machine in my freezing cold basement. When you have brain damage you are cold all the time. I eat out of the same dirty dishes hoping to get sick or infected but my stupid heart keeps beating. I am 69, female. Suffer every moment. The part of the brain that allows you to sleep is damaged. Can you imagine not sleeping for almost two years. I beg God to take me but he won’t. I thought of driving in front of a semi but I am afraid. I wish I had a quick acting poison.
I understand, at 60 I have delt with sickness every day now for 60 years. I can tell you if you have anyone who loves and cares for you you have more than I do, chose to live I have. Go outside even if to the grocery store parking lot. Then after a few times walk inside I guarantee you there is someone there who would appreciate your smile and saying hello. You have value!
I’m so done with life. I pray nightly for the lord to take me and spare someone else’s life that will be killed needlessly by a tragic accident. Sadly, I wake up each morning and see that some innocent life was taken by a drunk driver, abuse, random violent act, etc. I have planned my death many times but chicken out and I would like my life insurance policy not to be voided so my family got get some financial relief. It doesn’t matter how I try to please my family and friends it’s just never enough. Even as much as I’ve always enjoyed the holiday season that’s been tarnished and now can’t wait for it to be over. I have no one I can truly confide in and my pride gets in the way of asking for help from strangers. I’d say I really don’t need any comments, I wish/hope I won’t even be around to read them.
If find self calling out every night for the grim reaper to take me as I too am ready to go. I been looking forward to the day I shall pass. I then be more happy
” It doesn’t matter how I try to please my family and friends it’s just never enough. ” I was in a similar situation with my family. No matter what I did, they would never let me out of the “goat” category I was pinned into, mostly by my mother, but she managed to spread it like toxic fumes to all my brothers. After one Christmas home, more terrible than the others, my husband asked me why I continued to go back there. That simple question saved me a lot of heartache. My point is that some families are just not good for you; maybe they’re takers and you’re a giver and, while you might expect they’d be grateful, at least. takers can be too selfish to even recognize the value you’ve given them. You have no obligation to subject yourself to people like that. My life got better when I stopped.
Okay, but this is just to let you know that I read it.
A joke. Not the article . . . Me
Cut yourself some slack. You’re doing your best!
Your not a joke my friend. Your feeling alone and saddened at this moment in time.
No one is a joke no one is a mistake.
Let me ask do stories of kindness make you smile. Do funny things make your heart skip a beat. Does the thoughts of finding someone who shares and understands what your going through make you excited.
A mistake Is something you can fix at anytime. A mistake is not a mistake unless you give up on that part. Never give up Never surrender to quiting. Keep fighting and keep going you have this.
Your Loved even though you don’t see it you are Loved.
Living a life that was unplanned, being the butt of jokes, being blamed for everything, being in physical pain every day, no one listens, no one understands, no one cares, no joy is found in shows or music, no friends, people are brutally annoying, … but keep your chin up bucco! Life in pain is everyone’s goal. Living an extra few years makes a huge difference. Right.
I’m a failure. Before the pandemic, I was fit, a successful rising star in my company, and I was happy every day. I barely got through 2020 since the pandemic took everything out of my life that gave it richness and color and energy but I got through. In 2021 my company lost interest in winning work in my area and I got starved into a layoff. It took me months to find a new job that I didn’t make probation at for reasons I still don’t understand, but I guess it just wasn’t a good fit. I’m still looking for something and am excited when I get temp work because those are the only days when I don’t spend at least 30 minutes in the corner of my apartment in tears.
I’m going to be 35 in March and I was so looking forward to my 30s after so many fits and starts. I finally thought I had something. It’s obvious I just don’t have the knack for being in the right place at the right time and giving people what they need out of me. At any rate, I’m defective. I grew up in a loving family with everything I needed to thrive and wasted it, every bit of it. Every book I’ve ever read, bike ride I’ve ever been on, trip I’ve taken, lullaby my Mom sang to me seem just like worthless shadows on my pathway to failure. I’m dead inside – just not going to make it. I don’t think I’m ever going to be a dad. Frankly, when I go to my parents house and look at school pictures of myself and books from my childhood I wish they’d never been bought for me and I’d been locked in a closet instead.
I know you’re not supposed to do this but I’ve withdrawn from old friends because they’re successful and I’m a failure, and I’m ashamed. They’re working, traveling, getting married, thriving. I’m nothing, and I’m not essential and I don’t matter.
I would give everything to trade places with you You have your health. I don’t I worked 38 years and was retired only 4 years. I got brain damage and I can not enjoy one second of my life. I would give anything to die today. But my heart keeps beating. 3 suicide attempts because of the brain damage just gave me more brain damage.
I’m very sorry to hear that. My brother has a TBI and the physical and mental health effects took years of his life from him, so I’ve seen how bad it can get. And yes, I have been very (physically) healthy throughout my life, Maybe something will change, and there will be peace, and you won’t reattempt again.
Everybody is a failure. ‘Every life, seen from the inside, is a series of defeats’ – George Orwell.
What I mean to say is, I think that success and failure are meaningless terms when applied to life as a whole. Every life ends the same way, and you can’t succeed or fail at life; you can only live it. So nobody should feel that they are a failure.
Maybe I didn’t make that clear enough.
You do matter. I myself was fit and working during the pandemic. But after the pandemic I caused my own depression and depression anxiety. Now I’m failing at working and have nothing to be proud of. I can relate to you . But know this, you’re doing better than me.
Healed not killed. That made me cry… It’s so simple. We need people to care and help us out of the dark really help us. Where are these people? I thought I had a loving group of support my whole life turned out not so much. I’m being taught a lesson that I’m not worthy of love and I was too confident and happy before. All of my hand picked and my decisions of who I thought would be there through think and thin, abandoned me. They have to know I’m alone and struggling. They sure aren’t seeing if I’m ok? Why? I didn’t do anything to anyone. I just need support through life situations. I was there for all of my loved ones no questions asked. all the time. I don’t understand???
all the people I thought they loved me too?
Hello Kristin. I’m a guy that apparently has all the signs of imminent death (perhaps nocebo, willed death), according to what I’ve read about symptoms regarding that (in cancer patients, etc, which I am not). I’m somewhat (saying it mildly) catatonic, anhedonic, etc. It is truly disheartening (ironically all my pleas about my heart failure have been ignored, by doctors, family, etc). I cannot say that I know what you’re going through, but I had immense care and love which simply doesn’t exist anymore. I’m saying this with the remnants of my fading memories of caring. Coz I kinda don’t anymore.
I “hope” (a completely overrated word) things improve for you, or at least that you can cope.
i know they will miss me when I’ll be gone and they will tell each other they wish they could pay attention to me more but now that i need all of those things, no one is giving me. i wanna do it but im too afraid for three reasons, one is im kinda afraid about the religious consequences of it, im not that much religious person but i give it some possibility that what if they were true, i wish i could do it in order to get rid of this situation im at rn but i dont wanna be gone and i be in pain there too. my second reason is my family, they already spent too much of their time, kindness and money on me, i dont wanna convey my depression and my sadness to my family id rather keep it with myself. my last reason is my wishes, when i was a kid i dreamt about so many things that when i become old i will do them and i dont wanna give up like that. i just hope my pains and insecurities fade away or i be a person who neglects those 3 reason. i just hope no one feels the way im feeling cause it so f hurts.
Sounds like a ‘no’ then! 🙂
Everybody feels the way you’re feeling now – sometimes. Life’s not an enchanted fairyland but, if they hang on, most people get through it. Until the next lot.
I personally think you should talk to your family. I know if I was your Dad I’d be mortified that my kid felt this way and I never realised. They know life isn’t easy, they’ll probably be more understanding than you think.
PS You sound like you have the courage to endure, in spite of your pain. Good for you.
Can someone (the doctor perhaps) please tell me WHY someone should NOT commit suicide if they’re in pain? Whether it be from illness, loneliness that comes with aging, no family and friends, or any other debilitating factor??? If no one cares, why should you? It’s THEIR choice & hopefully will work for them!
Iam no doctor. But I know how your feeling when it comes to that I would have to say the ball is in your hands It’s not a crime You cannot be prosecuted for it That much I know because when I had my attempt I asked the cop and he said no Because you did harm or threaten anyone. You did it to your self I live in a state with the right to die law and we opened it out of staters
You survived your attempt. Now what?
‘Work for them’? In the sense they end up dead, you mean?
That’s not a medical or health question is it? So not especially one for a doctor. It’s a philosophical / spiritual one, and the answer isn’t simple, nor provable like a proposition of geometry. But most of us believe that our lives are not just a personal possession that we can choose to switch off like a playstation. We belong to God, or if you prefer to the universe – to the complex of existence, to Life. And Life expects something from us that only we can do.
I realise that, if you’re in the state of mind to ask such a question, you probably won’t be satisfied by that answer. I can’t help that. As I’ve said in other comments, you have to *want* to be better, you have to want to create meaning and not deny it. And that’s hard if you’re already in a bad place.
We have the same name – maybe we’re related somehow. Are you one of the Pittsburg Anonymouses…? 🙂
Anonymous,
The reason I care is I’ve witnessed so, so many people — including myself — who were resolved that their situation was hopeless, wanted profoundly to die, and later were glad to be alive. I know the mind can lie. The mind can tell you there’s no hope, you’ll hurt forever, you’ll never feel peace or pleasure again. And you know what? You can’t know that. Nobody can.
There are many people who came close to ending their life, only to survive and not only appreciate their survival but also to touch others, too. Their children. Their friends. Their neighbors. Maybe even the world at large with discovery and invention. Somewhere out there, there’s a list of people who changed the world after because they didn’t succumb to suicide; unfortunately, I can’t find the list at the moment.
I’m not saying I think people should stay alive, in pain and desperation, for the sake of others. I’m saying many people make it through the dark night and find, to their surprise, there’s light after all. I know that’s not true of everybody; some people end their life and their story stops there. But for those whose story is still being written, the plot can change at any moment — for worse, yes, but also for better.
For some people, like me, medication helped tremendously. For others, the passage of time brought change. And for many others, they found some kind of “hack” to help them stay alive — helping others, developing a spiritual practice, adopting a cat or dog, or whatever worked for them. I don’t know what would work for you. I only hope you’ll try many other options — getting help, trying out treatment, making a change in your life, etc. — before choosing the irrevocable one of death. Your future self might thank you!
The reason for that is, in my not-so-humble opinion, because of let’s say, abusive tendencies fostered by the world, horrible priorities of the world and people in general, spiritual and other leeching. I have in my life not met a competent institutional doctor unless they essentially completely disavowed pharma/pasteur/etc indoctrination. And I’ve tested them for decades. All pharmaceuticals are fundamentally made to cause more harm. I say that as physicist with a fair amount of experience, who has a geneticist as a sister.
“…reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.”
I have none of these. No family, no friends, no hope of improvement of damaged spinal cord. I no longer have anything that makes life worth living. It is bad enough that psychiatrists and psychologists agree that there is nothing that can be changed to improve my circumstances. When psychiatric agrees with you, you know your just waiting to die. I hope with all my might that when I close my eyes that I don’t wake up. I figure with one of my arteries in my heart being 50% closed I don’t have long to wait. When the time comes I will refuse any medical care that will save me. Don’t bring up religion, because they are all lies and the people who believe in it are some of the worst people in the world.
That last bit, harsh! And untrue. There are plenty of bad people of all ideological persuasions, unfortunately, but everybody needs faith in something. You’re hardly demonstrating otherwise!…
What is validation by conformity to institution? Is it belief from indoctrination?
Sir iso: Erm…no!
It’s neither validation nor indoctrination – it’s *choosing* to participate.
The people who end up on this page have all kinds of different problems, but it seems to me they all have one thing in common: they have, at least for the time being, lost faith in life. In some cases I don’t blame them, especially those who have really bad physical conditions. But in all cases, only they can make that decision to have faith – that’s what it is, a decision. No one can help them, except maybe by helping them see things differently.
And that’s what religious faith is too: not a belief, but a decision. It is wisdom to choose to do freely what you have to do anyway.
I agree with you. I also am suffering horribly every second. I have brain damage and every moment is torture. Pressure in my head, Not able to sleep for two years due to the brain injury. I can’t be around people because an MRI machine damaged the nerves in my head. I just lay all day and all night hoping to die. I tried 3 times to kill myself, damaged the brain worse. I know there is no GOd because he allowed this to happen and I never hurt anyone in my life. I eat garbage food hoping I will die of a heart attack like you want to. I can’t think of any sure way to kill myself.
Shane, I have no clue how I just found your post…
But once reading, I was moved by your openness and ability to share your feelings. I hope I’m not intruding on your evening. I don’t have many friends myself. I can only count 3, maybe… I only talk to one regularly. I’m sorry for your situation. I believe you are meant for so much more. PLEASE reach out to me. You’re not alone. You’re not lost. My father had 75% of his arteries closed, along with a widow maker. He’s still alive, so far. Life isn’t over, Shane! I’m not going to throw religion at you or try to talk you into it,
I can’t promise a response tomorrow, but I will promise to reply. I work a regular daily, hour-to-hour job. My personal email. [jaredt.rose@gmail.co_m] I hope you understand the extra underscore.
???? thoughts r true
It was a weekend of extreme mental emotional and physical pain. There were moments that it was extremely difficult just to put somewhat of a smile on my face. I was feeling so down and depressed that I wrote on my arm suicide. I have no intention of doing it or tried anything but I use now as a reminder of how low I feel at times. I slept in today but it did not help I got such a panic attack that I couldn’t control myself. Went for a walk and it felt so nice to be out among people. As Jim said: This is the end my only friend. The end. There is no safety nor surprise the end. I will never look into your eyes again.
‘Jim’ wasn’t choosing the End, though, was he? He was just imagining it as something inevitable as indeed, for all of us, it is.
This song has been the one thing that has kept me going since the first time I heard it. I’m 67 and it still resonates with me. Life’s lessons are hard taught. Life’s journey is a hard walk. That is my answer to this existence. Agree or disagree it doesn’t matter to me.
Casimir, It’s funny, isn’t it, that a song about armageddon could help keep you going? I guess sometimes it’s good to at least name the thing that ails us.
I certainly don’t disagree with you about life, I can’t imagine that many would – although I’d say it’s a description rather than an answer, it’s not the final word. And I have to admit, I’m not really a Doors fan…
You are definitely not a Doors fan. This song is not about Armageddon at least if you’re going to make a comment know what you are talking about. Can you picture what will be So limitless and free.
Casimir, haha, sorry, I didn’t realise you had to be a Doors fan to comment on this page! 🙂 You are a chippy chappy and no mistake. I must admit I know the song mainly from Apocalypse Now – and does it not talk about the end of *everything*?
Well, whatever. Like I said I’m not a fan but, to quote more lyrics, ‘Whatever gets you through the night, s’alright’.
Thank you for this opportunity to share. I want to die as I have nothing to live for. I am 72 year old man. I am married and am poor health I have 3 step daughters who are nice to me, but it’s not the same as having your own kids. I believe in Heaven and I want to to there as soon as possible.the thought of being completely out of pain is very exciting to me.
Thank you ???? again
Thanks for sharing. See you there, God willing – don’t be in too much of a rush though! 🙂
76 here and understand what your going through except wife is dead and kids never call like there’s long distance charges, Email is free!
Email’s not so bad is it? As long as they’re in contact. I prefer it myself…
I don’t know but this is so true sometimes oh not sometimes but some of times i think about this maybe bcs im stressed out i seem lost i dont know where to go or who to talk to i dont wanna tell my problem to anyone im stress of anything im afraid thats somene wll judge me because of saying that to them so i choose to keep it to myself but sometimes i ask myself if im gone to this world will it be great will it be a good thing if im gone would this face of mine be changed if reincarnation is real i hope in my next life i would be pretty and loved i dont wannna be the eldest child anymore i dont wanna be a fool i dont want to be disappointed to myself i dont wanna be soft hearted i dont wanna be myself anymore if theres a next life to be honest i dont know but i dont wannna suffer no more living this life of mine will be the worst i know im kinda ungrateful but living this life was the worst but my parents love me i think sorry for the wrong grammars lol i hope i wont get anxiety no more would be fine if there is a reincarnation if there is please change all the things from me i ask myself how many days can i be alive will i last till my hair is white or will i die young would be better i wanna be changed i wannna change all after all who will care for me growing up i just felt love from my parents but they are always at work so i grew up with my mothers mom my grandma so of course there is a favourism abt it so i didnt feel love i felt left out day by day gets worser but she is my best friend every time i see something i want im being childish i will definitely buy it cause im healing my own inner child
Sounds like you’ve got people who care you so hang in there and get some help. If I’d have what you’ve got I would probably live into the next year.
I know I’m loved. I know I’ll be missed. I do not question this. I do not think I should feel guilty about not wanting to live this HELL that goes on in-between my ears behind my eyes 24/7. I’m tired. I’m 53 taking every psych med there is since 18 yet nothing helps on them or off them. I have been dieing slowly for years now…I’m tired, can’t take it much longer but it will take careful planning to get things in order first. I’m just tired!
You’ve made it this far, in spite of everything. Seems a shame to jump off before the end of the line.
I feel your pain. We all have our private hells. But you are lucky to be loved & will be missed.
‘Your life is not your own’, he said. ‘Keep your hands off it’.
‘What use is it to anyone?’
‘Who can tell? The example of patient suffering is in itself the most precious of all lessons to an impatient world.’
– Sherlock Holmes, The Veiled Lodger
Arthur Conan Doyle
I have had this feeling for a while now I think. I’m only 20 but it feels enough. I tell my boyfriend all the time that I just want to go to sleep, and that I am tired. He responds with saying: i know, i know. But honestly I don’t think he does, and hopefully he never will. I am probably exaggerating everything, if I am reading everyone’s stories, but I guess i just wanted to share mine, just idk to let it out i guess.
My mom is an alcoholic, which is why my dad left her when I was four. I think I understand, i would have wanted to go away too, but i will never understand why he chose to leave me and my brother there alone. I have experienced many many things and I have always tried to protect my brother who is 2.5 years younger than me, and I am happy he is growing up in a different way than me.
The scariest thing was when I was in my bedroom and I could smell the Tabaco and alcohol from downstairs, i knew what was going on down there, and was so scared she was going to come upstairs. Which she did sometimes. But mostly I was scared she was going to kill herself. She would often not come home, and leave me and my brother alone at night. I remember one time when i was 10 or younger my mom didn’t come home and I didn’t know what to do, so I ran outside through my street to my neighbors asking for help. I was so scared. Things like that happened often, she would berate me, belittle me, and sometimes hit me, or grab my body and clench me until it hurts. Then I got SA’d by my nephew and she told me it was my fault and that I liked it and never spoke to me again about it. When I fell into an eating disorder at 16 she told me I wasn’t her daughter anymore.
I had to move out at 18 for my own safety and have been a shell of a girl since. I try, i really do, I laugh, dance, drink, make friends, have sex, have fun, work hard, study my ass off. But when I am alone I just feel like I am still stuck in my bedroom, the walls closing in on me, and the smell of Tabaco shoved down my throat. It kills me, I don’t know how to describe it but my head and stomach starts hurting, I can’t cry but the feeling of panic won’t go away.
Before anyone tells me, i’m trying, i have recently started seeing a therapist, and i am sure she will help me. She diagnosed me with PTSS and anxiety, but I am scared what she will say when I tell her the whole truth. That when I am not distracting myself by devouring myself in books, or working, I am tired.
Just tired, tired of feeling this way, tired of everything. And I just want to sleep and go away, fade in to nothingness, I just want peace.
My mom told me I was an accident, that she went to a abortion clinic before she went to the doctor when she saw she was pregnant. Sometimes. Sometimes I wish she aborted me.
I feel like I am drowning, and I am starting to think that sinking is more peaceful than trying to stay afloat
Tough stuff. But, your Mum says you were an accident: maybe it was destiny!
Yeah maybe! Thank you for the response 🙂
Roo, I identify with much of what you wrote, all except the SA, which I was lucky enough to not experience. But, the neglect, the abuse, the childhood lost to too much responsibility for siblings, the grinding fear just hearing her car approaching the house, I lived through all that and made an attempt at 14. My mother told me I was an accident, too, but she didn’t try to abort me. I was 16 when she told me; it made sense of why she always seemed to hate me, but I really did NOT need to hear that at that age. I’m much, much older now and have gone through therapy for years. It’s hard to see that at your age, and I probably would not have believed it then, either, but it does get better. I feel that I’ll never be totally “normal,” and that her hateful voice will always be a part of me, but I’ve lead a good and productive life by educating myself. I’m retired now and living in a sweet little house with a man who loves me. It’s not perfect but my life is so, so much better than I would have imagined as that 14-year old who just wanted to sleep forever. Bottom line, I guess, is don’t give up. Surviving, achieving, love, beauty and life itself are well worth the struggle. You are getting help and you are stronger than you know.
Hi Linda,
Thank you for your story, it does help a lot seeing how I’m not alone and that there is a life out there that I can still achieve! I hope you are doing good seeing how you were reading this article too <3
I’ll keep your words in mind for ever, you really don’t know how much it means! Hopefully you and your husband have a nice life in your little house (I picture like a cute cottage with frames all over the house and the best smell of baked cake coming from the kitchen ????)
With kind regards – Roo
That hope box is empty for many. Do you think this is a game for us?? Why don’t we sign up for a palates class while we’re at it? That will take thoughts of death and make them vanish. You’re paid for this drivel?
Alan,
I’m sorry the article isn’t useful to you. The hope box isn’t intended as a game at all; it’s part of an evidence-based treatment described at length in the book Cognitive Therapy for Suicide Prevention. But, as your comment makes clear, what’s effective for some definitely isn’t effective for all.
You asked, “You’re paid for this drivel?” I suspect your question was purely rhetorical, but I do want to clarify that I don’t receive any compensation for writing these posts or maintaining this site. Regardless, your discontent and anger with my words are clear, and I hope you’re able to find other resources that are helpful to you.
Thanks for sharing here.
This is precisely what I’m feeling. I spent the whole day getting transferred from one crisis line to another. NHS is just one giant cruel joke.
I’m an empty and hollow person. For some time I was able to “manage” thanks to a good mix of therapy and medication.
Recently got married after a long distance relationship, moved from the U.S. to London to join the wife. I look back and I realize I made a huge mistake. I thought a big change in my life is what I needed to make things interesting. What happened was I realized beyond a shadow of a doubt how worthless and wasteful of oxygen my life is and had always been.
My marriage is a complete joke. I ran out of adderall 5 weeks ago now, I feel like a complete drug addict begging people here to renew my prescription to no avail no matter what I send from my doctors back in the US. I don’t even know how to ask for it I just feel automatically I’m undeserving of it anyway. I am worthless without it. My work had taken a dip, I am in complete shambles. I have so much debt that my spouse has no idea about, I haven’t billed my clients since July because I keep waiting to make a meaningful delivery of work before I do that. I have at least a few thousand dollars in outstanding bills I need to take care of. I do not see a way out here.
My life is just a giant lie. I only got married to prove that I am cool enough to get married to someone I’ve known since we were in high school, and cheated on me a few years ago in a way I haven’t recovered yet, but putting on a strong face that I’m good to go. Shitty decision. Nothing else that brings in value. My work is draining me, I dream of it coming to a halt but I don’t have the balls to do that. I am working pacific coast hours out of London, I barely spend time with people here, working until 1am. Going to sleep at 4. I do not see an end to this. I even had to work out of my fucking honeymoon.
The issue is that I distract myself with work to forget my worthlessness. And now I am being confronted with a challenge that reaffirms my worthlessness through work. I have become Judas to everyone around me. I feel judgemental eyes and thoughts and rolling eyes and hands thrown in the air through Teams calls over audio smothered in awkward silence. I am rambling my way to what is an unknown purpose.
If I were to quit my work I would probably end up doing the same thing again with another client. I am a worthless fucking prick who doesn’t have the guts to even apply for a job, instead I stay attached to the one client I have like a parasite even when I move to another continent. I still lie about it to them and tell them it’s only temporary. I have no way out.
I wish I could die. What I love about London is the amount of insane fucking drivers. I realized the best thing I can do is keep headphones on super loud and cross the roads. So far I survived the last two days.
I have no way out. It’s a sense of inevitability I’ve always had. It disappeared with medication. Without it I’m just a fragile piece of shit holding humanitarian evolution back towards Neanderthals. I am a Neanderthal. Look at my brow bone and posture to be convinced.
In the US they handhold you through these emotions until you get the care you need. Out here they frankly don’t give a shit.
The only thing keeping me alive is not wanting to hurt my 80 year old dad. Soon enough. Or accidents.
I have so many fucking demons in my head, weirdness and sexual “exploration” that if it were uncovered I will likely be shot by some of my conservative family members. I live in mind aching fear of being caught in terms of my past relationships, by my wife or otherwise. A part of me believes it is widely known. I’m sure some people know but don’t talk about it out loud. I cannot imagine what I can say if my wife confronts me and asks me about my past.
Again. I am worthless. If you think I deserve to live you are dead wrong. I am precisely the kind of human you’d want to witness put to death while you’re watching and sipping champagne with glee, if you know me well enough.
My whole life I’ve done everything I can to hide my real self, which is nothing but chasing after instant gratification. I do not have a sense of self. I don’t know who I am. I am nothing. And I will always be that.
Anonymous (I removed your extremely self-deprecatory moniker),
Your pain is palpable — the shame, the guilt, the feelings of hopelessness and worthlessness. I hope you are able to get help you need from NHS or elsewhere. I of course can’t know what underlies your problems, but I can say that the above feelings are symptoms of depression, which itself can distort thoughts, create tunnel vision, and lie to us about ourselves. For this reason, I urge you not to believe everything you think about yourself, and to get help.
Are you familiar with the Samaritans? They’re a crisis line based in London, and they offer services by phone, email, in person, and more. You can even send a personal email to jo@samaritans.org, though it can take a few days to get a response.
Thanks for sharing here. You definitely are not alone in your darkness, and I hope you are able to see some light soon.
You’re pretty harsh about the good ol’ US of K there, chum. But reading what you wrote, you’ve diagnosed the problem and you’ve realised it lies in yourself. I’d say you’re further down the road to sorting it out than most.
i know how you feel but i never got married for the safety of my sanity i dont need a woman in my life and i heard it costs over four hundred thousand dollars to raise kids i dont want kids either. I look at my brothers they are miserable in their marriages one is on the edge of filing for divorce my other brother is about ready to just walk away and leave his marriage And my friends in high school who have gotten married have all filed or are filing for divorce. They all feel trapped me i have my job. And my camp deep in the woods where i can escape to to hunt to fish to boat ice fish let my dogs run free the door is almost closed in marriage world for me and i am not going start now not when retirement is around the corner
I just in a half/half situation and still see people comment here now and then and wanted to tell what i told a friend who switch in between want to be loved and want to die that the FEELING of salvation must be something INSIDE life, like often the thought of suicide frees us from unwanted Connections, stuff dont belong to us, people we dont want to know jet and if there is the feeling suicide would solve that the trick is to break through that barrier in mind and get THAT without dying! Less can be more, reduce your effort, switch out the used to and the more you trust god the more he amaze you.
I give you free…
Thankyou! 🙂
You’re right I guess, but I also think it’s our relationships with other people that tie us into life. It would be dangerous to a lot of us to try and cut through all that.
I was walking my dog in the early morning January 2022 when we were struck by an SUV. She didn’t survive, but unfortunately, I did. I was in rehab for 9 weeks & came home to an empty apartment with a broken body & a broken heart. It will be 2 years soon & I still can’t get over my loss. My oldest friend died last January shortly after I came home. I have no family, all my friends have passed (I’m “only” 73 going on 74 this week). Now that the “immediacy” of my accident has passed, the “so-called friends I had stopped calling & no one calls me. They are all wrapped up in their own lives. For them, it’s as if the accident never happened &, of course, for them, it didn’t. I was never lonely with my dog(s). Now I am & I can’t take it. I, too, wish I would go to sleep & never wake up. But, unfortunately, sleep doesn’t come too easily either so that’s not going to happen. If I died, no one would care & would be such a relief to me, at last.
That’s terrible, so sorry for you. I don’t mean to sound at all flippant, but do you think you’re ready to get another dog?
O my heart! My tears..
I don’t know you and it seems sort of trite to say (becos I have had so many people tell me they love me and care – but their actions say otherwise) that I would care if you died.
Your post moves me deeply.
I know it’s hard to keep on keeping on at times and usually – but not always – it goes back to the people who, often for no good reason, turn their backs or throw other humans away and leave them wondering, “Why? Why such undeserved action?”
The thing is, it doesn’t matter.
I wrote this:
“When you turn your back, the sun X-rays your heart.”
When others turn away, turn their backs, they become transparent, exposed for what they are.
On occasion, we are surprised. They might say Sorry or explain why or simply show up – no need to even ask why or mention what’s past -just move on. It’s history.
Cruel people will never turn up.
Grief and loss are great companions. Challenging. But they are also our teachers. They humble our hearts, they nurse our pain, they keep our hearts tender in the face of ignorance, inaction and ineffable adversity.
This morning I wished I was dead. Today I laughed. Tonight I was wondering, What’s the bloody point?
When others are cruel they surely must exercise their cruelty with great intent. The intent to harm.
But of course we rise above the sickness in this world.
We were not born to kill or be killed.
We were born to love and as Hosea said, Go on living'(hesed). Not easy I know.
We need healing, deep healing, not death but where do we find genuine healing?
Go on loving
Get yrself a note book and a pen and Write. Write every day. Write until your bones freeze. Write and write some more
I know what it’s like loosing at pet I have had so much crap happen to that. I am ready to take the peaceful sleep
You have absolutely no idea. Most of you here are like everyone else. Out of a population of billions of humans and countless individuals and groups who claim to care about others and their plights, I have yet to meet one single solitary person who truly stands against injustice and the harm it does to someone. You do nothing except ‘stoke your own fires.’ In reality, we should all be standing by and for and with each other, together, against those who cause harm whether it be physical or legal or psychological etc. What sort of person pushes their own barrow but slams the door in someone else’s face and says. “Get over it” or turns their back?
LIFE IS A TWO-WAY STREET.
Stand by each other. Fight for your rights, for the rights of others to be free of all that causes us to want to end life. We are meant to do good – not be hypocrites – to truly care about each other and where there is wrong, right it. Not to be selfishly focused on “little old me”.
None of us want to suffer but we can ease each others’ suffering without wanting to throw our life away.
I’m like you. I am you. I have fought myself to go on living for years.
In our heart of hearts we really want to live and love. Be loved. It doesn’t matter who we are or what we look like or how old we are or what we have or don’t have. Stripped naked we all share our common humanness. Sometimes we need propping up sometimes we need to prop others other.
I’m 54 and feel hopeless. I can identify with everything that as been said above. I really wish I could fall asleep and not wake up. Something terrible happened a few months ago and life has been extremely hard. Sometimes life doesn’t get better despite what we hope for.
Starting to understand why holidays have the most suicides in older people. Birthday was last month and out of 4 kids got 1 happy birthday and I know Facebook reminds them. Christmas coming and I won’t see the New Year!
You have to be patient with your kids. I’m sure they know you love them, maybe they take it for granted a little bit and don’t realise that they need to show they love you. It’s pretty common (he said ruefully!). They do, though. Don’t let Christmas get you down, it won’t last for ever.
I go through the same thing with my son and I have terminal cancer. Hardly ever even calls to see how I’m doing. It cuts through your heart like a knife. I feel your pain John.
I’d like to spread awareness as to the aftereffects of unsuccessful suicide attempts and the need for one to commence recovery once they commence experiencing suicide ideation. In January 2022 after less than 20 days of acute suicidality I attempted suicide with a knife and then drowned in a pool. I was revived and flow to hospital for operations. Spent a month in critical care with a Tracheotomy before moving into a mental health facility for a couple of months. Since then I’ve had 10 mental health admissions and two full courses of ECT and another unsuccessful attempt back in October last year. I have lived in the darkest realms of the mind however there is hope and treatment whilst it may be extensive in the long term will help a troubled mind be pulled from the darkness. I’m still in recovery and whilst I wouldn’t say I’m happy to be alive I no longer live in the death realm which is such a big thing to move from.
i want to press a button and die so much. im such a worthless piece of shit that i can’t even kill myself. everyone should have the right to die easily and peacefully. some things are just broken and cannot be fixed. in my country you can just buy a gun and shoot your fucking brain – you need a permit, training and what not. i wish i had a gun – i would soo fucking spill my shitty brain. life is so overrated.
why am i writing this shit. i dont know what to do. dont reply i wont read it
I hear you about a gun. I personally have had two significant suicide attempts in less than two years. I regularly think of myself similarly to you. I’ve spent more than 6 months in mental health wards and undergone multiple ECT treatments. I hope you find peace just like to leave the note that suicides can be unsuccessful and result in extensive recovery. Why not commence the recovery without the need to attempt suicide?
That’s really good advice!
I think it’s great that, in spite of all you’ve gone through, you’re glad you survived and can see a path ahead. You’re a great example to people – both what to do, and what not! 🙂 Good for you.
No. Mental health and suicide prevention is a joke.
They hold you for 48-72 hours to observe you, alone in a padded room. You don’t even see a psychiatrist or even a counselor. No one cares about making you feel better. It’s just to keep you from ending your own life… Why, is the question. The powers that be WANT to reduce the population, so why enforce suicide prevention?
How about AFFORDABLE, LEGITIMATE mental healthcare/therapy rather than funding the farce that is suicide prevention???
I’m old and i don’t want to be here anymore
I feel the same as you. getting old is terrible.
I hear you. Like the man said, life is very long when you’re lonely.
I am 67 and retired. My family are all deceased for years. My friends have moved away or are deceased. I’ ve been alone and isolated. I can’t say I don’t want to live anymore because I am not living. I exist. I’ve given up calling 988 because they send the police who just want to keep you here against your own will. There has to be a way out that works. I find it too hard to go through another day.
God bless.
Given Up. I get your feeling….. this is also my thinking. My beloved physically departed few years ago…so I am lost, but cannot leave yet. So what do I do at the meantime, I have been thinking… well, may be I should go to some group activities at local community centre, to break the alonesss and isolation a bit. I have a pet, which helps … at least I can snuggle up with her, and truly can feel unconditional love, and I pray for others who are suffering. The key is perhaps we need to bring some living beings into our lives…. even though it is not going to be a deep intimate well fit relating. 67 is still very young, would you be able to join up some senior singles traveling trips ? If you are in the US, I saw a couple organizations organize trips like that, especially do it before getting your pet… see the world if you can, or take up some craft, woodworking, pottery, painting… etc. Volunteer seems to work for some people, where you can also meet some friends. I have deep grief so many of these activities are not suitable for me at this point, if you do not have this issue… then would you consider the list here ? I Pray for you. Take good care, Big hug.
I don’t understand the point of suicide prevention. I honestly think that it’s just another person pretending to care about me. But in the end, it all doesn’t matter anyway.
I agree and all they want is to put you on meds so they can see their next patient. They really don’t care about your mental health it’s all about the numbers.
Yeah, i feel the same way. How much useful can a fake hope placebo pill be? To me zero, i already lost that illusion of recovery.
Did you ever see the Monty Python sketch where people live in imaginary flats (apartments)? They’re great, everything you could want – as long as you believe in them. If you stop believing in them they fall down. ‘So they’re fake’, you say. No! 🙂 They’re real – as long as you believe in them. ‘But why should I believe in them?’ you ask. Well – do you want to have somewhere to live, or not? 🙂
The point being, you can choose to have faith in life, or not. It’s not fake, it’s not a placebo unless life itself is a placebo, but it only works if you choose to believe in it, hard though that is if you’re already in a bad place. If you choose not to, you may be pleased with your perceptiveness (‘I see through all that’), but really you’re only hurting yourself and anyone who loves you.
I think this is laughable that everyone who feels the need to die and read this amateurish, simple piece wants to seek help.
What’s so laughable about it? Some people just try to reach out and the smallest, simplest things can give hope to someone in a dark place.
thats so true i am sick of these fake people acting like they dont care i am ready to go to the other side
I have reached out. I have no family or close friends. Most days, I think about suicide. Cant imagine years and years of this life. I have tried many things to improve my life, but, have almost given up. I do not feel like a single human being would miss me.
i agree with you
We are living life wrong. That’s why there is so much depression and despair. Consumerism, Government, Marketing, all this organization that outlines how it’s appropriate to live, and who is of any value in this world is dictated to us. So if we don’t fit the mold, then we must be worthless- and therefore a waste of life, space and organs. I wish I too could just fall asleep and not wake up. The pain and suffering I’ve felt my entire life won’t go away despite doing everything they tell you will help. Therapy and meds and exercise and all the self care in the world doesn’t change a thing for those of us that feel rotten inside. I wasn’t meant for this world. My family shows me I’m worthless with their actions and treatment of me. I am done being compassionate and kind to everyone while I writhe in pain privately. I don’t belong here and I just want to go! It’s been too many years of pain and I’ve had enough. I just want to go.
I have no desire to go on day after day it is so pointless. If I want to end it all that is my choice. The world is filled with empty souls searching in the night. Never wanting never asking until the time is right. So to all those who wish they never been born I to join the parade of feeling the same.
I asked my therapist why cops get their panties in a wad about wanting to commit suicide. He said because it’s illegal. WTF! It’s my sucky shitty life. Everybody has opinions on how I should live or not die. I usually look at my cats and think no will be able to take care of them like me. But today fuck them fuck me and fuck you!!
The cats do need you. Hang in there.
Hello.
Cats need and love you
read Voltaire’s short novel “CANDIDE”.. the best of all possible worlds is found in just tending one’s own garden.. the world will take care of itself..
Don’t mean to be disrespectful but that quote is meaningless.
I found this article today and reading the comments I can relate all too well. I want to go to sleep and never wake up again. They say to believe in a higher power and that God exists well if that is true and whoever that may be they are not doing their job. The world is a mess and full of suffering. I wish I was never been born. I feel like I’m living a bad dream so what is the point of this day in and day out.
I am tired of working day in and day out
This is all life will ever hold for me. There is no pleasure left under the sun for me. Nothing makes me excited. Nothing I can think of gives me reason to look forward to any event or experience. My wish is to die and never wake up. I am currently unable to take my own life because of my faith in the hereafter. I don’t want to jeopardize any sort of life worth living after this one. Please pray I will not wake up after this night. Death of Natural causes is my dream. I want to escape this place. I’ve never felt I want to be here.
I found this article today and reading through the comments I can relate all to well. Wishing I could go to sleep and never wake again. Life has become such a disappointment what is the point. The world is a mess. They say to believe in a higher power and that God exists. Well if that is true than who ever that maybe they are not doing their job. Just look at all the suffering with no end in sight. So I wish that I never have been born.
I can understand people saying ‘my life is a disaster, I want to die’, but not ‘ the world is a mess, I want to die’. What do you care about the world? Nobody despairs just because of the state of the world, and if they did this wouldn’t be the time.
As for God: maybe he is waiting for you to do something about it!
Anonymous is wrong.
Many people despair about the state of the world.
I don’t comprehend how people can be happy while the relatively few good people suffer. Particularly, how society elevates false heroes. Why are most Americans content to live their entire lives as consumers and widgets?
Well, David K, I don’t believe they do. To ‘despair’ at the state of the world is mostly just a figure of speech. Depressed, maybe – despair no. I didn’t see people despairing when Russia invaded Ukraine – that, if you like, was a moment for despair, but no: what you seem to find desperate is your often rather distorted ideas of internal American politics. I don’t know how anyone can read some of the comments here, people with *really* desperate personal problems, and not be ashamed to say they despair over something like that. You are privileged, you have one of the best countries of the world to live in – yes, you have your problems like everybody else, and maybe that comes as a shock to you, but you’re still better off than most and I don’t see that changing in your lifetimes.
Anonymous, you make a good case study.
I made no mention of “American politics,” yet somehow you identify my “often rather distorted ideas of internal American politics.”
What are you on about?
David K it was a collective ‘you’; when Americans ‘despair at the state of the world’ what they usually seem to mean is – not climate change or the proliferation of war – but that they think Trump should have won your last election.
Maybe that was an unfair assumption in this case, I don’t know. You can make assumptions too though, can’t you mate? You don’t have a lot of materials there for a case study.
In any case the general point stands: people shouldn’t despair at the state of the world, unless perhaps they expect imminent armageddon (and like I say, even when that actually threatened the world didn’t really react); and I don’t believe they do. Despair comes from one’s personal circumstances.
same, except I don’t waste my time in faith of a harmful religion or a god that doesn’t exist.
life is meaningless, a waste of time. sooner it’s over the better
…but you still have time, and think it worthwhile, to lecture people about what not to believe?
You are *choosing* to deny meaning. While you do that, there is no way you can get better, or things can get better for you. Instead of denying it, you have to choose to look for and help create it. That’s what we do – that’s what it is to be human.
Get yourself a pet that brings you joy.
It sounds awful but my dogs and children are the only reasons I am still here.
Hotlines and safety plans don’t fix the abject horror of living in this piece of shit country/economy run by sadists.
Fuck this ‘things will get better horseshit’, – not here they won’t.
I just hope I can something something a few of them before I go.
I’m just so tired now. My soul hurts. My meds no longer work. I feel my only job for being on earth was to have my three AMAZING Children. Now they are grown. I have been thinking of suicide on and off throughout my life due to PTSD and those demons are only getting worse. I’m paranoid of how our Country is going, how scary the world is. This too only makes me feel more hopeless. I want to just disappear. I want a special pill that will make me FINALLY get some sleep and not wake up. Why is this wrong and not accepted for me wanting this?
DIE!
i just want to die,nothing more or less, JUST DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I too just want to die. I look forward to death I am not going to grow old I am not getting tested for a cancers that will kill me I hope that my life will be short. I am ready to.
I am 66 and I’m shriveling up to some old lady who has no reason to even be here in the first place. I have no family, friends are gone. I wish I would never wake up. I hate being here. I don’t all the suicide line. All they do is pamper you or call the police. I want to die in my sleep and do the world a favor
Blah blah blah. This pain and suffering will not go away. Always thought I was a good person. I’m not
What’s the big deal anyway?
Useless words
Agree. Many speak useless words. Yet if we just have one friendly person who shares some common experiences, and that we can talk regularly and try to give support and encouragement, then perhaps it gives us another day to plan a good exit.
This is a very useful article to have read. I often just want to die since finding my partner dead to suicide. When I reflect on my life from how it was to what it has now become, then I feel that my life is already basically over. I am living in a physical sense but I often feel dead inside.
My spiritual path guides my ethics and my ethics make me aware that others will invariably suffer (or at least I think so) if I were to end my own life. At the moment I am able to be strong and I hope this remains. If I had no family or friends, then I think that I’d say Goodbye to this world.
I do see a lady who lost her son to suicide and she tells me that she feels able to move forward since meeting me and being able to share about her loss. Maybe that is the reason for my still being here and enfolded by Terra Mater.
What is wrong with wanting to end one’s life? I don’t want ‘help’. I’m just tired of living and really want to find a way to go peacefully, like take a pill or drink a concoction. Why doesn’t such a thing exist? Why do we spend billions of dollars saving lives but there’s no easy way to end one’s life by taking a prescription?
I am in the same place why is it so wrong if someone is so miserable for them to want to die why is it a crime why are we forced to live doesn’t matter or not what we want and when we do anything someone sees as a possible suicidal though or attempt we are punished for being so unhappy and locked in a padded room why does somebody else who doesn’t feel or live in my shoes get to decide that I have to suffer i don’t want help because no Amount of help it’s going to change what’s going on in my life and all that help is going to change my feelings towards anything in my life. It’s not people who are dealing with it who could choose its people who are not in your shoes do not know your emotions do not know how you’re feeling and what’s actually going on they just know that you’re not allowed to die and you’re not allowed to be unhappy and if you are able to get help you to get counseling fucking ridiculous.
Agreed. In a reasonable world, every birth and death would be planned, or at least expected.
God forbid. Such a world really wouldn’t be worth living in.
I am 66 and I’m shriveling up to some old lady who has no reason to even be here in the first place. I have no family, friends are gone. I wish I would never wake up. I hate being here. I don’t call the suicide line. All they do is pamper you or call the police. I want to die in my sleep and do the world a favor
Diana,
Almost every family has broken down and gone away…it doesn’t mean that you aren’t a great person. You ARE!
I struggle with suicidal ideaology every day..so do you,
I love you and wish you the Best
You are SO worth it!
Don’t go ,m y friend…
Use your pain to help others…it’s the only way…like going to AA meetings…
NOT about you but feels so right to help others.
They need your strong heart.
It is why you still breathe and
Help Others
I too am 50 no friends they all cut your throat behind your back I do have family Sometimes I think it’s better off that I go to sleep and never wake up
Imagine you are already reborn and IT gonna go Well.
Agree
Having been following comments on here for a few weeks now, you know what strikes me? Most people take the trouble to enter a name with their comment, although they don’t have to. I would suggest that, however bad you feel, if you do that – if you want people reading your comment to have some idea who you are – it suggests you are actually not ready to give up on life yet. In fact the very act of leaving a comment suggests you don’t want to go – what you want is to reach out to someone and for them to hear you.
Yeah, really everyone deep down inside them no matter how badly they want to die really just needed someone to be there for them. I hate how the world has come to young kids’ thinking or even worse committing suicide because no one is there for them and that’s the harsh truth for many people (me included). However, genuinely I hope everyone will find the good in life one day, that’s still a work in progress for me but I’m wishing the best of luck to everyone, your life matters, please.
I disagree. I don’t want anyone. I don’t want to talk about it, just go. I think the 20th/21st century fad about talking things through is bullshit. talking never solves anything, never cures anyone, never makes anyone feel better.
Found this post at 3am when I woke up, yet again, to the horrible thoughts of feeling so sad, rejected & abandoned with a consuming hollowness that makes me feel, hope, think suicide will make it all go away. Every comment here makes sense. From the feelings of quiet desperation to others who insist you are somehow bad or ungodly for wanting out. I share the view that its my life and me, not government or pharma or a god gets to keeps me here for their own selfish needs or wants. For the 2nd time in my 60 years the person I love with all my being has ended our relationship (the 1st person was an intense summer relationship on Long Island in Montauk in 1987) and I cannot accept this as I feel so entirely empty, panicky & absolutely devoid of hope. I have 2 children with my recent ex and they are the sole reason I have not taken my life yet. I hate when people suggest BUT THE CHILDREN, YOU CANNOT DO IT TO THEM! The insufferable pain doesnt stop because I have children, but my heart melts when they hug me and say I love you daddy, because I know they sense my desperation and profound sadness (even tho I put on the proverbial brave face and never let them know how desperate I feel) I am writing this hoping something inside me will click and I will last another day to maybe experience something, anything other than wanting to quickly fade away and not wake up & partly just yo process & take my mind away from the emptyness & thoughts of suicide. Overwhelmingly I dont want to live but a small part of me doesnt want to die and that very small part has kept me here for now.
My innermost wish. Sleep and never wake up. I‘m so tired of the daily ‚merry-go-round‘ of a better today each morning.
I’m sorry you are hurting,!
Thank you
Right…it’s like everyday is worst than the last. Every night I repeat “please don’t wake up” in my head until I fall asleep but I wake up every day. It’s like I’m pleading with my body to give up but the damn thing keeps ticking. Well I’m pretty handy, guess I’ll just do it myself.
Hey Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, the original author. Did you think this article would get such various,and valid responses. Even as time goes on,this is 100% relevant. Always has,just hush-hush. Always will unfortunately. But I reckon being able to share and read responses where people understand, it’s probably saved more than 1 life. Even if just 1,then it was a success. Salite
Adam,
This article definitely resonates with a lot of people! It’s sad that so many can relate. And yet, as you note, it can be a comfort for people to not be alone and to feel understood by others.
Thanks for sharing here!
Every nap, every broken night’s sleep, speared by the agony of waking and realising I am still here. I wish I could gift my remaining years to someone who is fighting to live. The world is a terrible place, I feel guilty for complaining about my pain when others suffer unspeakably.
I’m really sorry, but everyone has the right to complain about their pain, pain is pain no matter what scale it is, you don’t need to feel guilty over that everyone’s allowed to express their emotions, I’m very sorry for what you’re feeling.
Talking to some one does not help and I find that some times I really have to fight what I am feeling, I am sick of this corrupt world and the people in it, governments are one of the most corrupt organizations along with the courts and police, so what is the damn point, guilty people get free pass from a prison sentence while innocent people get put into prison, on top of that friends and family steal and lie to you and people have no respect who the hell wants to live in a cesspit of evil like this, I’m just waiting for the third world to begin because the human race are good at one thing the annihilation of itself and everything it touches due to idiots running our countries, I FEEL I WOULD BE BETTER OFF DEAD I WILL BE FREE.
Agreed 100%
Apart from death I’m beginning to think there’s nothing left but suffering.
Really? When people leave comments here about terrible medical or personal problems I feel desperately sorry for them – but you want to die because of supposedly corrupt governments? My advice to you, don’t believe every internet rant you hear…but do believe this one. 😉
Agreed
I would give everything I own to be able just fall asleep I never wake up again, just like that.
Well mate, if you died you would be giving up everything you own, feel, and experience, now and for the rest of time.
Yep. Sounds good. Sign me up. Tired of the pain. Pretending to like anyone has been exhausting.
Alan: ha, touche.
‘Pretending to like anyone’? – you never liked *anyone* in your life? Tough crowd!
Are you in Britain? Isn’t it an incredibly beautiful morning today?
Me too. My wife died 1 year ago. I’m 82..
I’m in an old folks home. I am so ready. My time is up.
I don’t want to hurt anymore
I don’t want to go violently.
Just sleep.
We were married 60 years.
I’m so lonesome.
I put her on hospice and helped her die, so I have that on my mind too.
No name
Yes I wake up every day going my life sucks and think about living for another 25 or 30 years hell no not me I want to check out.
God please let me die. I have brain damage and am a zombie. The suffering is unbearable. I want to kill myself so bad. Please pray that my heart stops. Hoping to get pneumonia this winter. I can not enjoy one second of my life. I can not sleep.
God Bless You
Try not being able to sleep for 17 months due to damage to the brain from a MRI machine. It is the worst suffering you can imagine. I would rather have cancer everywhere. At least then my mind would work. Please pray for my heart to stop tonight. I am all alone suffering. Doctors made me worse.
I’m so sorry to read this that you are going through. It is terrible.
i just want to die asap
You know what’s sad? The fact that I have everything that I could ever want, everything that I could ever need, but I still feel so broken. In a month, I’ll be an adult, and half of me just wants to run away and never look back.
May I ask? What happened/didn’t happen that has brought this feeling, desire? Is it that you are becoming an adult and what it brings? By “adult”, I presume you mean 21 years old. Sounds like maybe part, half of you wants to keep on living; but the other half doesn’t—maybe doesn’t because of possible anxiety/fear of the unknown in the future. A tug-of-war within your mind. I urge you to keep on trying. Don’t know your details, so I can’t say much more except I can understand from my experience of that landmark age. Doesn’t make your situation any better or to go away; but I can relate to what you are experiencing—to whatever degree. I’ll be a friend indeed if you need/want one. I did when I’ve been in similar situations prompting these feelings, thoughts and emotions. Having a friend can help it be less taxing less depleting of mental and physical resources to cope. >>>Robert
I’ve had 20 years of financial hardship, tired of praying and leaning on family for help,just tired of crying,it’s too hard,had enough,need it to be over.
There is no help out there. I have tried and found that life is about one thing money. In the past if you went to a shrink they would talk with you and try to help. Now days they ask a few questions and in ten minutes you get some worthless drugs. The last time I talked to someone all they said was I needed better insurance. What it comes down to is no one really gives a dam. I know my life story is over I am just waiting to die. I have lost everything that had personal value. My wife died my country sent my job overseas I have 0 friends. There is no reason for life. No purpose no direction. I am the one who has prayed for 20 years to not wake up. I even tried to overdose. All that did was cost money and any dignity I had. I live with a sister that sees me as crazy and everyone she knows thinks the same. My sisters all that’s left would rather not be part of my life. I am at the point that I have no reason to care About anything anymore. I want to die…
If you could go to a therapist, what would you say to them? And what do you think they’d say in return?
I feel lost, unwanted, betrayed, back stabbing, career destroying.
I am 48 and deaf. I lived alone and no one to talk to. Harsh life, no family no fiancée no children.
Now I got cancer and ready to die alone and god not with me, no one with me. IF you reading this. Tell them to fuckoff. But who doing this shit life???
I am so sorry to hear this Kevin. Life is brutal and unsympathetic. You have value and are worthwhile.
Hi, I’m 28 years old. I have been tortured, raped, abused, hurt, broken and more. To everyone out there who is hurting, in pain and alone. Its not okay. Your not alone. Im here for you and there are so many others x im surprised im alive and im sure u are surprised by yourself. Yet everyday we move forward…. why because we want to live. We want to live to make each day something more. If you see someone being hurt, make a stand. If you see someone who is unsure… let them know? Imagine we are a stone. We have all have had to hold this hard shell….. Its now time to turn that shell into a shield for others and for everyone’s voice to be heard. I have so much more to say and im sorry x
there is no one
There is someone. There’s us, if nobody else! Everybody has a part to play, their life-tasks that nobody else can do. Don’t despair.
There’s me.
I hate this world.
I see the same threading connection between myself and every comment here. The internal pain, the hurt, the sadness, the tears, the remorse- it just doesn’t fade away. It doesn’t get better. The farther along time marches by the tightness becomes too much, the loneliness like the dark of night unavoidable.
To suggest things will get better or to think about all the happy times is like telling a a fire to put itself out-its too late! If I think about all the memories of happy holidays, of hugs, of greetings and visitors it becomes clear it was all fake, pretend, two faced-BULLSHIT patronizing. The hurt is worse at night so I’m up all night, finally fall asleep from exhaustion only to have to wake again, alone, the thoughts immediately enter my mind to start the day and force myself to go to work where I submerge myself in constant tasks and projects. Keep moving, keep your head down, don’t make eye contact. They all are liars, they know you’re a piece of shit, and no one would have a celebration of life in your name- there’s no one who cares, now or after. Tears are pouring down my cheeks but that’s only cuz I’m letting them. I do not let myself bawl. I do not let my story be told, no one notices im hurting so why would they want to know now?? Tracks of my tears, perfect.
‘Avila Disappointment’, nice tag! I like its sarcastic understatement, seriously. Your analogy of a fire – the difference is, the fire doesn’t burn everything up unless you decide to let it. And I’m sure your good memories aren’t all fake, why would you think that? It’s just, sadly, people can’t always live up to their promises or what they profess, but it doesn’t mean they’re not sincere at the time.
Are you a Smokey Robinson fan then (‘Tracks of My Tears’)?
I wish I never woke up. I tell people the truth and no one listens or helps. It’s all not self inflicted too which is why I want to die. None of it is of my doing.
I see that a lot of people commenting are suffering with very serious life matters as well as intense desires for their life to end. It is very humbling to see the stories here and know that there is nothing that I can do to change that despite such grave matters. It has taken me a long time, but I have made progress in my suicidality which has been a 14 year process. I was very badly injured and was suffering immense pain for about a year. I thought I would have to kill myself during this time because the pain was so unbearable but I was afraid to do that to myself. I made it through that year but was left with some horrible injuries as well as severe emotional pain from how my injuries happened that left me suicidal as well. I was hospitalized many times because I was a danger to myself but I have learned a lot. Everytime I ended up there I knew I needed to throw everything I had into saving my life because I realized there was something valuable about me. And that is how I hope you begin to see yourself. I found that at a certain moment, God was the only one who I could speak to that could understand my pain. And so I started praying. I have prayed everyday since then and I know that it has helped me immensely. I still struggle with pain and anguish and I don’t have it all figured out but I truly know that I am worthwhile and I have someone to talk to. I do hope that things will slowly start to get better for you because that’s how it always starts…with a spark.
This article is complete bullshit. I don’t want to “talk about my feelings”. I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I have no reason to want to keep living. I’ve lived and now I’m done. I don’t understand why others want to keep me alive against my will.
for Sherry (9/23/23)
Sherry.. you say you don’t understand why others are keeping you alive against their will? No one – besides yourself – can keep you alive against your will.
It is YOUR WILL that keeps you alive.
Why?
There’s a part of you that wants to live. It is the stronger part of you. There is SOMETHING MORE for you but you don’t yet know what it is. But it is real.. It is waiting for you to find it.
After Vietnam I didn’t care much about anything; my fiancé found another guy – or guys – a month before my tour was over and I just left the base and lived in a jungle village. Heroin kept me numb. I paddled the river taxi for the village and was paid with s place to stay, food, dope. I was found out, arrested, spent 30 days hard labor. My parents contacted the Red Cross who located me in the stockade. I was released back to my unit near the DMZ. I left base again but MPs were tipped off and I was arrested, placed in cuffs, cleaned up and put in the next jet to USA. They didn’t even give me my mandated urinalysis and I began withdrawals during 17 hour trip home (not fun).
I arrived at night in Seattle and mt Dad was there with tickets home to Los Angeles. I slept and withdrew from 94% pure heroin habit for almost two weeks.
I had no motivation. My Dad goaded me and I grabbed a 9″ kitchen knife and went at him but my younger brother – an All State defensive end – tackled me (normally I’d have kicked his ass but junkies bodies are sickly). I was tossed out of house. I slept at night in lifeguard stations at beach, washed in surf and at my old Catholic high school (1/2 mi from Playa del Rey beach). The priests there got me squared away (I’d been class prez, appointed to West Point, straight A’s, etc) They let me stay at campus and clean the schoolyard. They gave me an abandoned 10 speed bike and I got a job at a lumberyard. I got myself in pretty good shape. Then I discovered that there was something called ‘the Pill’. I sank again into a life of hedonism. Drinking, sex, sex, sex. 100s of ladies over a 4 year span. Always working, nice little cottage in Venice, but pleasure was my God.
I was just ‘existing’. Probably feeling worthless and feeling entitled to whichever woman (or women) suited my fancy that night.
Then one night about two weeks after my Mother passed away there was a group of ladies at an Irish pub in Marina del Rey and they happened to be nurses. One of them had eyes and a smile that affected me. She said “you know, you’re not really the guy you’re pretending to be. There’s more of you hiding in there. I know you’re hurting because your mother just died, but that’s no reason to give up on what you could be.”
This really stunned me. She handed me her phone number and whispered ‘call me.. it’s time to start over’.
In February we’ll have been married 47 years. I gave up all booze, drugs, ‘guy stuff’ when I held my daughter in 1986. We also had a son, I finished college, had a career as an accountant, we moved to two small towns near Oregon/Calif border, owned homes/property. Both our kids have given us grandkids and bought homes near us. There’s far more years behind us than before us but I wouldn’t have had any life had “something in me” not wanted to live and take the life preserver tossed to me by that lady when I was drowning in self pity.
Sherry: the message here is when a door slams shut, a window opens somewhere. If you don’t give up, you’ll most likely find it or it will find you.
I will think if you often. The world will always be better with you here.
I am glad life worked so well for you, but not many people receive such blessings as “love at first sight”, long stable marriages, loving children, careers that make them happy, and property…that might not be the best story to rub in the face of someone who wishes for death….hearing about the glorious lives of others drives some people into deeper despair…you’re just boasting about everything we have never had or experienced. The harsh reality is that many of us never will experience love, and many of us will never have children or even a home to call our own.
Not everybody is so lucky and blessed.
I mean, why did you receive so many blessings but I didn’t? Hearing stories like yours just makes people who are lonely feel even less adequate…
The windows that open for most people don’t lead to blessings, but often to deeper loss and pain. Many of us have been searching our entire lives for that window of blessings, and we never find it and it certainly never finds us.
“The world will always be better with you here.”…is that true? Would you even notice if we were gone? Truly, would you?
I guess it’s because death is pretty final! You may think you will always feel like you do now but actually, chances are that you won’t. And if you find the will to live you will also find a reason to live. How can you be so sure that nothing in your future is worth staying around for?
How can YOU be so sure that ANYthing in our futures is worth staying around for?
For a lot of us, it never “gets better”…it just keeps getting worse and worse and worse…a window might open, but as soon as we step through something horrible happens and we end up worse than if we hadn’t gone through.
I am personally kinda sick of the perpetual “it gets better” schtick…life just doesn’t work that way in reality…nature is actually cruel, and so are people.
To Nol: for some reason there isn’t a ‘reply’ option on your comment, so I’m replying here.
I’m not saying life gets better. You’re looking at other people and thinking they have life easy. Very few people have life easy, if anyone. Even people whose lives look idyllic on the outside mostly have plenty of trouble. Even the things you are envying, family, career etc, generate their own incredibly difficult problems. But they’re problems you feel you wish you had, right? Well, someone else might look at you and wish they had *your* problems. It’s all relative. Everyone has their own lot, their own life tasks which only they can fulfil. And although the problems themselves don’t get easier necessarily, with experience and the right attitude they can get easier to accept and deal with. I’m not saying that’s easy either! But you have to be in it to win it.
Right the fuck on. Exactly how I feel. Talking will do nothing. Gay. I just want to die. Nothing left in life worth doing less I get a shitload of money.
‘Gay’ – really? 🙂 And you think it’s more macho to kill yourself? Come on, if you wanna get macho, you know the thing to do is tough it out.
Everybody feels like this sometimes, but you won’t always.
I completely understand your feelings as I feel the same way. I have lived my best life and have nothing else to look forward to in my condition so the peace of death looks good to me
Yup
there is no help there’s mental institutions whose staff members try to sexually assault you AFTER knowing you just got your HEAVY sleep meds, there is absolutely ZERO HELP in ANY MENTAL INSTITUTION, especially if you didn’t do anything wrong but you have no support bc you were the scapegoat of your family. Once you are LABELLED MENTALLY ILL – like my mom did to me at 16 bc I started asking why she never helped us or why we couldnt ever feel safe but her marriage was more important and she answered me by saying “if you dont bleed the first time you have sex, you had a bike accident when you were little that you dont remember which made no sense then threw depression meds down my throat until i got hives and almost died and for the rest of my life I can safely say NO DOCTOR has EVER TREATED ME with ANY DIGNITY OR RESPECT due to my history.
I am an old woman 96 and I wish I would go to sleep and not wake up
I’ve left a comment on this thread many months ago. People always say you’ll look back and things will not be as bad. Things are still bad,if not worse. I don’t leave my house accept to get groceries and dog and cat food. The 3 animals keep me somewhat alive physically But I even yell at them unfortunately because there isn’t anyone else to yell at. I’m blessed they understand and always love me unconditionally. Anyone I’ve ever loved is dead multitudes of loved ones. I just turned 50,I’ve had an incurable disease since 2012. That is eating my body away. I’m very thin, always nauseous,and the physical pain is half of what my mental pain is. I sleep as much as possible. Only waking to let the dogs outside for a few,then back to bed. Its not fair to them,but they are well taken care of. Any extra money is spent on them,for things to make them happy I do nothing for myself because I feel I don’t deserve it. The animals do,for having to put up with me. In my sleep dreams I’m pain free,I see and spend time with all my friends and loved ones who are dead in this realm . I even have incredible experiences in my dreams with people I’ve never met on this earth,but seem to know very well in my sequential dreams. I know God is the only one who listens. I in no way blame him,it’s my fault my life has always been a sad failure. It just hurts that I go thru this all alone now. And makes it more desirable to join God and my loved ones. I won’t purposely try anymore to kill myself,as I’ve failed twice. Instead passive suicide is my journey. By not taking care of myself or even spending anymore effort only to be let down in failure. So I perfectly describe the specimen of a person who just wants to not wake up. I will stay in my other realm my soul travels to every time I sleep. I don’t expect or ever ask for sympathy or anyone to understand. The only ones who understand are my dogs and cat. They are my sorrow daily in my face. Even when I try to be fake happy for a few minutes to try and let them think “Dads” ok and fine. They know I’m.not. Having a future of more physical pain and suffering as this disease progresses and my lifetime mental health issues remain to torture me,I’m fully prepared for death in this realm and spiritual lesson that was apparent for me to go thru. Message received God, message received. God isn’t for everyone and I don’t practice a religion. I just talk to a giver power,and I guess the only one who genuinely listens. I’m blabbering on now,and very sorry y’all,if you have spent time to read this. Just know all our situations are different,but the same. We just want peace of mind,maybe to catch 1 break in life,or just all have the same want. And that’s to just die already. I want to go home.i say that all the time. This life is not my.home. ty again for reading this. I’m now going to roll over and go to sleep. At noon time. And escape this world for a few hours until the dogs need to go out back,then back to sleep. My I lt escape.
I’m sorry for your pain. I am glad you are able to escape it when you sleep. It’s hard to share your feelings on this subject. Thank you.
‘Months’ are too short a time to get things in perspective. As for your life being a failure: everybody’s life ends the same way, with death. Nobody’s is a failure – unless they refuse to live it out and accept the tasks allotted to them, even if that is only (like Viktor Frankl says) to be worthy of their sufferings.
I have come to realize that the only source of suffering is people. If your all by yourself you dont suffer, its the people that make the suffering. I was abused growing up and have CPTSD which has followed me for 53 years, shaping who I am. I have all the consequences comming with CPTSD, depression, anxiety, self esteem ishues, anger problems and things have been acummulating lately. I have a son, the light of my life and a partner and looking from the outside I am sucssesful in life. Inside there is darkness and emptyness and hate and misstrust to everything and everybody (except my child). I envy all those who no longer have to exist in this hell. For me death is the only friend, yet he never comes to take my hand. I cannot commit suicide because it would hurt my boy too much, but I wish I could just get sick and die or have an accident or just drop dead. I did once almost kill myself, I was very close to jumping off that building standing on the edge when I thought of my boy and stepped down. Life is cruel.
I am 70 and cannot support myself anymore. No where to go, already at rock bottom.
your not alone I feel the same.
me too – i just wish i could die and get it over with
I’m A 13 year old girl who has problems with school. I tried suicide many times but, it never worked. I don’t know…It was like I regretted doing it. And I felt like I would know what’s happening in my life if I was dead , like you know.. Like I was a ghost or I was the soul of my body just looking over everyone and seeing how would they react if they found me lying on the couch dead because I overdose OR tried. Like I said I’ve tried suicide many times, like hanging and stuff but I really thought today 9/5/23 was the day I would finally rest from a overdose on painkillers but I didn’t die .. I took 14 of them and each was 650mg.. I’m not dead or sick but if all I gave my self was liver damage. That’s my story.
Hey.
There you go, God doesn’t want you to die. Take courage and live. There is someone, maybe lots of people, who would be devastated if you die. You are young, you have a lot of living to do. The hardship you feel now…it may not altogether pass, but it will get a little easier.
Hang in there.
Living is the right thing for you, Markayla, not dying. You deserve to live and you will be happy in life. You will beat your problems by living really well. Your story will become much happier. Just keep on living.
Don’t give up. These feelings will not be there forever. Take it a day/hour at at a time. The world is better with you in it.
I’m almost 67 years old and I grew up in such a bad environment!,I left home at 15 years old because I wanted sheets on my bed and not have to share with bedbugs!! No food in my belly! Going to school with wet clothes on! My mother left when I was nine leaving 10. Children behind! I don’t blame her! Never seen or heard from her since!!!! Don’t blame her ! I blame my so called father! Who treated her like s—t he came from Pakistan and sent all his money there! And now from out of the blue! One of my brothers who I haven’t seen in over 50 years has reported me to the police for apparently having abusing him!!
Really is that okay ? I have had a happy life since I was 15 with my husband of nearly 50 years and some low life can destroy everything that I am!! I have made a decision that I will end my life!, before he hurts my children or grandchildren! I absolutely know that all he wants is money from me! Because I made a success of my life and he didn’t!!! Message to him!, don’t blame me because you have nothing!!
I’m scared of sleeping. Yet I love it.
I’m scared of falling asleep because, if I don’t wake up. My mother will.
I like it when mother speaks softly to me.
I like it when mother says kind things to me.
I like it when mother uses her inside voice.
I like it when mother is happy.
I like it when mother is proud of me.
Although. I know, she’ll never be any of these to me…
I wake up suddenly, almost every morning to my mother yelling at me. I hate sleeping..
My heart hurts and it beats so loudly, so roughly. I’ve become a jumpy person.
My thoughts are a mess, I’m starting to forget and lose focus. I can hardly remember what anyone says just a second before.
It’s embarrassing. It’s so disappointing of me.
I want to sleep, to avoid all of my messy thoughts, to not have to be conscious with my bleeding thoughts. But I can’t. Because she is here.
How many more years must I go through this?
… I like it when mother doesn’t see me.
I can appreciate what you’re going through – I went through the same hell myself with my absent father and verbally and physically abusive mother. The problem was that she always saw me and the only peace I ever had at home was when she was away. She always came back, though, and just hearing the crunching sound of her car wheels on the driveway tied me up in knots knowing that, no matter how hard I’d worked on cleaning the house, etc., there would always be something to scream at me or hit me for. Sometimes, she did it without any reason at all. But I’m here to say that it does get better. It’s taken me a lifetime to heal, but once I left home, the healing started. Don’t give up; your life has value even if she doesn’t see that. Always remember that she is the one who’s wrong, not you.
I never insulted nobody irrespective of anything, I’ve studied, helped people in need, remained available for the lonely people and perhaps saved them from commiting suicide….I’ve always been nice to women ..I’ve worked my ass off to get thing fixed however how one can survive when everyone around you makes fun of me? always I’m being looked down and ducking lonely ………….I want to live just for 365 days where I can be ecstatic each second and then I want to die …I want to die …..I want to die………we humans can never understand GOD…never access quantum realm ….never contact illuminati….never understand evolution of life …never understand atoms…nor bioluminescence …it’s all
When I read the term: “passive suicidal” on my Dr’s chart—anyone can get a copy of your chart–it’s legally required to be provided to you if you want. I read that term and it made me even more pointed in that mindset. It seemed like an insult to my honesty with the Dr. They didn’t take what I said as being real; being sincere; trying to convey//express my emotional status at the time. The Dr just seemed to “write it off”, as me being weak in my desire to not want or have reason(s) to live. It was a way for me to say I’m desperate to find some help. Can you help refer me to someone?? Passive suicidal is defined to be at the brink, at the verge of suicide; but not yet having decided to quit.
Call a suicide hotline, any of them. They will have a local resource or even peer to peer counseling support. Don’t give up. It will get better.
Im worthless lost my job two weeks ago and no sympathy or compassion from my spouse only more of what problematic on his side. My problems are not important. I. Financially devastated and hope I go to sleep never to wake up here in this greed driven self centered world . I hate my life. No effin therapy is going to make things better. Therapy is bullshit
Sometimes finding a person. Like urself helps that and a lot of sex. I hate life and most everyone without a supportive partner life is shit and I can’t trust anyone anyway
In this world things happen for a reason. Just over a year ago, the company that I worked for l6 years let let me go from my 6 digit paying job. Believe it or not, I didn’t get upset or anyting. The next day after my dismissal, i went to the cummunity library looking for a government job. I kept going to the library from 9 to 5 every day, 5 days a week. I applied to hundereds of job openings. At 2 government departments, I am in their qualified pool after I passed all the screening. I just got contacted this morning by one of the two. All i am trying to say is, don’t lose hope because another (better) door will open. Trust me on this . Be safe.
I am glad that it finally worked out for you. My son has applied to a ton of companies and has had a few interviews but can’t seem to pass even the initial phone interview. He is very discouraged and so am I. He has a lot of skills but freezes up sometimes when he interviews. He and I both struggle with depression and all of these rejections have made it so much worse, He is at the point where he wants to give up.
My wife was in long term care for years with the last 2 11/2 in a nursing home. I had stents put in and they stopped up and I had bypass surgery and my family talked me into selling my home and moving to a independant living facility. I am fulluy recovered and active and can do anything that I want to. I despise living with bunch of decripit people. My family is having a fit because I want to return to where my friends were and resume life with normal people. Frankly, I had rather die than live like this.
Phillip; I think I understand and really appreciate your situation at least enough to relate to you. I have enough of similar situations—-as far as the family goes. My wife died from cancer after we had separated. So, I don’t have that area of experience and all the multiple situations that accompany it. I do feel as you that If at all within my ability to control my situation I will never go to live until I die in a nursing home. I was a mental health counselor on call for a nursing home and saw what happened there. I’ve also visited a few lately. All I saw were people sitting around just waiting ’til they die. Like you, I am able to take care of myself. I’m self-sufficient; walk, ride my bike to wherever. Take a bus–able to know which one to get on, etc. So, I won’t let myself end up in a nursing home to live in hell ’til I die. Wishin’ the best for you man.
When I read the term: “passive suicidal” on my Dr’s chart—anyone can get a copy of your chart–it’s legally required to be provided to you if you want. I read that term and it made me even more pointed in that mindset. It seemed like an insult to my honesty with the Dr. They didn’t take what I said as being real; being sincere; trying to convey//express my emotional status at the time. The Dr just seemed to “write it off”, as me being weak in my desire to not want or have reason(s) to live. It was a way for me to say I’m desperate to find some help. Can you help refer me to someone?? Passive suicidal is defined to be at the brink, at the verge of suicide; but not yet having decided to quit.
Since I posted earlier today, I have been thinking of my younger brother who committed suicide. We weren’t close in brotherly attachment, but we were bound by the abuses we both went through. He manifested outward anger, whereas I turned everything inward.
For decades I didn’t even know he had been abused sexually. The physical, verbal and emotional abuse I knew about; we both received daily doses of all that. The sexual abuse floored me. It shouldn’t have, yet there it was from the mouth of one of my own abusers.
I realize I must tell our/my story, even though I want my life to desperately end. I think many feel so alone and the daily pain they live is like a wet blanket smothering their life away. Perhaps the one good thing I can do is to let others who have suffered great pain to know they are not alone in that pain. I struggle every day. Sometimes I don’t want to wash or to get out of the bed. I cannot look in the mirror unless I am shaving, then only focusing on the parts of skin I have to address.
Perhaps those who are in so much pain and want to end it all, maybe you can pick up a pen and paper, or a paint brush, a sketch pad, anything you can use to chronicle what you are experiencing. Others need to know. We need to tell them through whatever means we can. Who knows, it might help the next person to come along that just can’t make it another second realize they aren’t as isolated as they feel, and their pain might actually help someone else if they can express it in an authentic way.
I am very isolated. Very alone. But. But, if I can turn that into something that can help even one person, I can die knowing my crappy life served at least one good thing.
One thing you don’t seem to have taken into consideration is a person’s faith. I absolutely identify with the passive desire for my life to end. The ONLY reason I have not ended my life is the fear of being forever separated from Jesus in Heaven. I simply cannot take that chance. Hell is very real, and if, for whatever reason, suicide is considered a sin by God, I’m not willing to chance it.
I do, however, want my life to end. At 66, I have no one to confide in; not even my wife. Throughout my life, those who are supposed to be closest to me, have betrayed me and stabbed me endlessly in the back. Growing up I was abused sexually by both female and males, abused constantly by my parents verbally, emotionally and physically. I have no purpose in life, nor any hope for a better tomorrow. I clung to that narrow thread for decades, only to realize life will never get better.
I’m quite intelligent, and I know all the arguments for staying alive; I have spent decades rolling them all through my mind of reason. I just wanted you to know faith is strong. It may keep me from taking my life, but, sadly, it won’t release me from the prison I am in. I’m dead inside a decaying facade in my miserable existence.
None of this is helpful. I have no friends, no family that I’m close to left alive, no one to talk to and therapy is a joke. I haven’t heard from anyone who is supposed to care about me in 2 weeks and that was only because it was my birthday, which i spent alone. Before that it had been months. I’ve been to therapy multiple times, and not once did they help address the issues that I have. The closest they came was when I went in for emergency therapy after the family member that I was closest to died and they literally just wrote down a list of things I needed to do every day and told me to come back in a week. That helped me keep myself alive only because I knew that someone would come looking for me if I didn’t show up and let me get back to work. The only thing that kept me going was work and not wanting to burden the people that I worked with and now I don’t even have that. I’ve been wanting to die for a while now and the only thing that has kept me from following through on it is gone.
I’ve always had passive suicidal thoughts, but no one has ever helped me deal with them, and now there is nothing left to keep me going. I clicked on this hoping for some sort of advice on how to keep me from killing myself and after reading this I realize that this is just a parrot of what everyone tells you and not in the least bit helpful. I have severe abandonment issues that keeps me from forming real bonds and the few that I do form are very important to me. Normal people do not realize just how deeply painful it is to lose a relationship when the few that you form are so important. I just lost the only one that I had left and I am in a mental place where I am not angry, not sad, I have no emotions left anymore. I have nothing left anymore. Not even myself.
Your advice might be good for people who are contemplating death or mildly depressed, but for those who have nothing left to lose it is a joke. I have nothing left to lose and no one who would care when I die. Why should it matter if I kill myself. This is the mental state that people who do the kind of search that lands them here can be in.
For those who reply to this don’t bother offering an ear or saying that you care. You do not know me. A person close to me could help me, but a stranger on the internet who doesn’t know the people I’ve lost or what my life has been like has no idea. To me it is an empty gesture. To me you are just as bad as the therapists who sit there and “listen” without anything in the game. You really couldn’t care less if I disappeared tomorrow as long as you made yourself feel better by “reaching out” to someone in need. It is a meaningless gesture and harmful to people like me. We often actually need someone who will be there for us, and not a person who is only going through the motions “trying” to help.
I’m really sorry you’re in this situation. You’re incredibly strong for keeping up despite everything you faced, which already is too much in your comment.
I’m almost 25 but I’m already done with it. I’m a wimp, rough school years and my paranoid parents made me into even more of a wimp who can’t even check their emails without getting an anxiety attack. I thought I’d get better after I started university, I tried to tank it, but right before the start of the third and last year I started missing exam dates and fell back to my old state. I lost my tax exemptions and, after 2 years of doing almost nothing I’m almost out of funds.
I tried therapy and it only helped me realize how much I fucked up and how utterly unable to cope with life I am.
I’m a weirdo with no backbone, no social skills, I can’t even go for a walk without getting stressed and I’m currently living with my parents. I have no intentions of getting better and I don’t intend to keep being a parasite either. I’ve been contemplating death ever since starting highschool, and at this point I’m grateful for having that feeling strengthening and maturing alongside me and for becoming so comfortable with it.
I have no regrets and no will to go on, my run was just objectively a mistake from the start, and there’s nothing wrong for me to call it. It’s not just a passing feeling, it’s not irrational, it doesn’t need other people’s sympathy.
I know my life experience is very different from yours and I can’t possibly begin to understand your pain, but still, I agree with your thoughts on this article, and I’m grateful for finding your comment, with much more genuine and sincere thoughts.
It comes natural to people to want to cheer someone up, even when they’re a stranger, but this echo chamber of “suicide prevention” articles, videos and other pieces of media feels so empty and detached, that for many people it actually makes things worse, as they end up feeling unseen and not understood. There’s no space to actually analyse these thoughts, there’s only the same narrative, repeated hundreds and hundreds of times. It’s hard to find places where it’s possible to freely and properly talk about suicidal thoughts to allow people to at least have some closure.
I hope the other people commenting on this page made you feel at least a little bit less alone than before.
I am not thinking of death, just a high desire to move on to the next realm. Circumstances have made it impossible to improve quality of life, and I am fed up with life’s current restrictions and cost of living. Conditions are costly and even though those in control claim things are better I walk into a grocery store or pass a gas station it is blatantly obvious we are being lied to intentionally with purpose. I am a tired old soul.
I really have let my family down. I’ve lost them. I have no family, and through a bad decision lost over £100,000. I want to sleep and not wake up. I need to soft away now! I can’t fix this
I can relate to what you’re saying Jeff. I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up. Sleep is the only relief I ever get to feel. But I guess since you wrote what you wrote, and I wrote what I wrote, then technically, neither of us is alone. I hope you feel better soon buddy.
This is a stupid post, I was hoping it would tell me how I could die easily and peacefully
Anonymous,
I created this site in the hopes of helping people stay alive, not end their life! You can learn more here: Speaking of Suicide…Within Limits.
The reality is there really isn’t a way to die easily and peacefully. Every suicide method involves the potential for complication, violence, or pain. I hope you’re getting help for what’s troubling you, or at least will consider doing so. And I hope things are better for you soon. You can always call 988 or text 741741 to talk with someone, or check out other resources here.
Me too
I’ll start by telling you to heed Ms. Freedenthal’s advice . There is No Method that will guarantee a smooth easy way to die !! As I explored the different ways to off myself I realized ,with my luck , I’d end up Maimed , with my brain in tact & my body Disfigured .
Don’t get me wrong , I’m not telling you , your Desire to end your life will be changed , I’m just trying to tell you … the risk is too great . At least , your body & brain is viable & you’re able to contemplate you desire to die . If your attempt fails , your misery will be compounded immeasurably !! At least Now , you can cry , scream , & punch through your misery … then you’re able to watch a good movie , or look out & view nature , to releive your torment , if only for a short time. As I repeat , your desire to die will still be with you .
Let me tell you about my scenario in an effort to make you see how much worse your life will be if your attempt fails .
I explored hanging . Realized I didn’t know how to tie the proper knot , in the correct way , to insure I die . The thought of dangling on the rope & dying slowly , nicks that method . Then shooting myself , gave me the same scare . What if I blew off , half my face , but lived , disfigured , in constant pain & couldn’t step foot out of my house . Knowing the authorities would house me in an institution , there’d be no chance of ever trying another way !! Then there was slitting my wrist . Again , hospitalized , & Baker Acted !! I Got It !! I finally came up with the best , easiest & sure fired way to end my life . I started to stock pile my pain pills , antidepressants, etc. YES … I can’t wait . I’ll drift off , high & in peaceful calm . Then , one day , I’m watching an interview with Ceasar Millan ( the Dog Whisperer ) . He spoke about his attempt & said ” I took so many pills , it would have killed a horse , they pumped so much from me , they couldn’t believe I didn’t die . ” That interview made me sit up & take notice . Yes , he was Baker Acted for 72 hrs. but he was a celebrity & he didn’t go to the usual mental facility , like you or I would .
I decided to seek out a ” retreat facility ” where you can heal , at your own pace , receive therapy , then come home , feeling somewhat better . After talking to the coordinator, he assured me I was a good candidate & he didn’t have to talk to anyone else about my case . I didn’t understand what he meant about ” talking to someone else ” but , I started to make plans to go to this retreat , when 20 minutes after I hung up , EMT arrived at my door . They received a call from the coordinator of the retreat & wanted to know if I was alright . I assured them I was fine & planning to go to the retreat ( I was Fumimg at the thought , the imbecile at the retreat ” reported” me ) . The EMT’s said they agreed I was fine , wished me well & they left . THEN … 20 minutes later , the police come to my door , I tell them about the EMT’s left me , assured that I was fine . The cop didn’t want to hear me & told me he was taking me to the local mental institution . The bastard cop wouldn’t allow me to gather my medication that control my severe immune disorder . I was hauled off , Baker Acted & they left me institutionalized for 7 Days , not the 72 hours required by law . My therapist was not allowed to see me & the 7 days in that insane environment , left me with emotional scars that are still with me today !! So you see Anonymous , there is no Easy Way to end your life . More Important , there is no easy way to LIVE your life either . People like us have to leave our destiny to Fate … in whatever form it takes .
Well said, whether you live or die there is no easy way. I think that’s the mistake a lot of people on here are making. They think life should be easy – it’s never going to be. They think death is easier – I’m with you, I don’t really want to try it!
Two friends of mine have hung themselves. The horror of that hardly bears thinking about. And I don’t believe it was really what they wanted; they were each overcome by a feeling of loneliness and despair, caused by events, that, if they had held on, they would have overcome.
“When you arise in the morning think of what a privilege it is to be alive, to think, to enjoy, to love…”
Are you for real. The world is a cruel and ugly place we hurt each other and the world we live in. Children the elderly the disabled are tortured and neglected. Animals plants and the environment are destroyed and wiped out because of greed or ignorance. Suicide is the only sane response. Why would you live. We are all useless without purpose or hope of doing anything that matters.
Why?
Valid question.
Try looking at it this way: are you better off doing what the guy suggests? Or not doing it?
What if you don’t care about the privilege of being alive. Life is pointless to me. Life is painful. What is the privilege? I’d rather not.
Sometimes it is a curse and not a privilege.
Man is like a rope tied between the beast and the overman – a rope over an abyss.
What is great in man is that he is a bridge and not an end.
If I could do what you suggest, I would not be depressed and would not need to read these signs
The only way I could ever feel better was if my husband came back to life. I wish I’d died instead of him. He’d be much better at starting a new life for himself. I don’t want a new life. Loved the old one. Hate my wretched, empty life now.
Caryl, hope you are still checking this site. My heart goes to you, for I understand your pain and suffering. My husband was angelized not too long ago. And I miss him daily. Life is not good at this point, and doubt it would change much, because I have lost a soul mate, not just a husband. Not sure how your relationship has been, just hang in for one more day, perhaps God will give you new direction. Our beloved are still around (my and many others’ belief) and there is heaven (NDEs), so one day we will be reunited with them. Send you a prayer and blessings. L
I got that form of spiritual suicide. I quited my education, i quitted all relations ending up in psychatry just nodding, saying yes and going to bed and left the people to think where i would end up, always telling i dont want this anymore, not this planet, not this humans and still doing it, living by taxes, always telling, this is not what i want or how i want it, intellectual playing through stop being this over and over again, mentaly breaking all restrictions ever been seeded in my head, repeating and repeating following the feeling, using all i have including imagine suicide, imagine to breake through thousands of enemys, fighting off what they belive i am, following what i think could be in that direction if i just could breake their borders believing they would find me here as they left me
God, it’s almost unbearable sometimes.
I hold on only for others.
But what bliss it would be, to sleep and sleep and sleep forever.
This is exactly how I feel but no one wants to hear about it. I get comments like get over, just be happy, or stop whining
Forget them! Hold onto God always and forever!
Same. I am a single father, overworked (most likely soon unemployed), abandoned by my family, my wife left, I am in a foreign country, I have no social or societal support. Only my physician listens to me when I visit him a couple of times a year. For nowI just keep going for my kids. I refuse to let myself die as what would happen to them after my death… I just cannot do that to them. But that feeling, that urge is undeniable. I absolutely hate my life and I wish it could end already. The feeling is all-consuming. Therapies are useless. Meds help a bit. I keep fighting. For my kids. Only for them. Certainly not for me.
I have a son and he is the only, absolutely only reason Im still here. I dont know how it is with your kids but for me, my son is the light in my darkness. To see the wolrd through his eyes, pure and unsoiled by our society, to help him avoid all traps, to guide him to a fullfilling life i never had, to help him grow to his truest potential thats what has kept me here. Remember this, your children never asked to be born, it was a desicion made by you and your wife, they need you as their guide through this, so that they will not end up like us but handle things better and live a fuller and better life.
I am a single father, overworked (most likely soon unemployed), abandoned by my family, my wife left, I am in a foreign country, I have no social or societal support. Only my physician listens to me when I visit him a couple of times a year. For now I just keep going for my kids. I refuse to let myself die as what would happen to them after my death… I just cannot do that to them. But that feeling, that urge is undeniable. I absolutely hate my life and I wish it could end already. The feeling is all-consuming. Therapies are useless. Meds help a bit. I keep fighting. For my kids. Only for them. Certainly not for me.
Same ???? I stopped sharing my feelings because I would always hear – be grateful – look at all you have – it could be worse ——— they don’t realize that that response makes me feel even more how disconnected I am or they are from who I am. It validates my “passive suicide state”. All my life I have been acutely aware of my surroundings and dealt with such a high level of anxiety. I am a master of suppressing my emotions my personality etc…. I really should have an Oscar award for pretending to be happy. I’m the one everyone things is such an extrovert and always so positive and everyone comes to for advice. Sadly I am the polar opposite. That day we had lunch——-it took me a week of isolation to recover. People do not take me seriously when I attempt to confide in them my deep feelings of who I really am and not who they perceive me to be…….again I am dismissed. I do not have the courage to kill myself or maybe it is that I have the courage to not kill myself and to subject myself to my own self mental torture? Maybe I am just a selfish martyr? All I am sure of is I do not know what “happy” is. I am so deeply damaged from my childhood that I am basically just F$&ked and that’s that ????????♀️
I can’t take this world anymore I don’t want to live I don’t have no income or transportation or friends or family I can’t work because of my bad foot I’m depressed I can’t go to doctor I have to watch grandkids so daughter can work that is my only way to spend time they are all I have left
My name is Tracy and I have had a terrible life I never fit in with family always The black sheep but my grandmother and great grandmother raised me my mom and stepdad didn’t like me stepdad would kick me out and call police I was in a group home when I was 15 and left they let me I got raped by 3 men and got pregnant and my dad just got out of prison got hit by a train 35 years later I’m still have nightmares now I don’t have family or friends
So sorry to hear this. Wish I could help. Wish things could improve for you. If you ever want to talk / write, let me know.
I ran across this maybe it was meant to be so I’m gonna leave a comment here goes
I just had my 55th birthday I am a bartender I’ve worked in the bar since I was 18 I have a beautiful daughter I’ve battled with depression on and off throughout my been diagnosed as bipolar manic depressant you name it I’ve been diagnosed with it but I’ve always battled to succeed and to overcome I suffered a lot of childhood trauma and very young age 1st memory three a lot and you know the saying sticks and stones may break your bones but names will never hurt you I completely disagree the verbal abuse from my mother hurt me more than her slaps or her choking me or trying to suffocate me with a pillow pulling my hair grab that healed but being told I’m a piece of shit I make her sick she wants to puke all over me she hates me doesn’t like me I’m in embarrassment do the world a favor and kill yourself get off the cross what the fuck is wrong with you you make me sick you’re pathetic you fucking bitch you’re disgusting you’re nothing that hurt and whether you’re nine or 90 with all the therapy and medication in the world abusing a child never get over it those words never stop ringing in your head they say a child forms their personality the way they see the world the way they see themselves by five years old
I really hate when people say that’s the past just get over it move on if it were that freaking easy don’t they think we would all do it if it was that easy to overcome our pain that we have suffered for so long that we would just do it if it was possible wouldn’t that be amazing wouldn’t it be wonderful it’s like the computer with the refresh button for our brains that would be awesome but that’s not what happens
I wish I were that strong my mother passed March 2019 of dementia and Alzheimer’s I loved my mother very much but the verbal abuse never stopped the physical abuse stopped when I was 27 when I told her I’d had enough and she would never strike me again I’ve always been bigger than her taller I’m 511 she never hit me again after that but she never stopped with her mouth and when I would cry and ask her why I’m your daughter why why would you wanna hurt me this way and I would be crying and she would look up at me and go where where where cry little baby you little crybaby I never understood I broke my heart my heart is still broken
Anyway let’s get it today July 13, 2023 I have now been so depressed the worst I’ve ever been in my entire life where I can’t even get out of bed I’ve always been able to pull myself up I don’t even wanna go outside the only thing I do do is work, I have always been a worker people always said that I was a workaholic I’ve always worked in the bars caring 2 to 3 jobs at a time especially when I had my daughter I was a single mom and I wanted to give her everything we’re poor you know but I was financially stable with my jobs and able to give my daughter a nice little life growing up now she’s 19 I had my depression from her for so long and now she seen the worst of it and she doesn’t understand it she knows how my mom was cause she was around but this time is different I wanna give up it’s too hard life is too expensive I only have one job now because I lost my other job same people that I work for they had two bars and the one I made the money yet I’ve always been known as like the best bartender the fastest everyone says so but I’ve never been good at accepting compliments but we’ve been told I’m so beautiful and even now at my age I don’t see it but what I do see I don’t like
I have been working since I was 15 1/2 years old and even then I carry three jobs subway Rikers 3M and a place called three ring circus and accessory store I’ve always always worked and paid my own way this is the first time in my entire life that I have I’m in a hole I cannot pay the rent and a building we’ve lived in since 1994 after the Northridge quake I don’t know what to do I don’t have the energy to get up only when I have to work these two shifts I should already have gotten a second job and third job I just don’t it’s different this time I’m in therapy I’m on medication it’s just different I’m tired of struggling I’m so tired I don’t have it in me anymore and all I’ve ever wanted was to be an amazing mom and put my daughter to be proud of me which she is but now how could anybody be proud of what I’ve become in the last two months over two months I don’t even clean the house anymore dishes piled up in kitchen it’s never looked like this I’ve never not been able to pay rent and pay my bills
I was so proud of myself it took me so long but I got my credit score up to 722 that’s all gone now in two months it’s all gone they’re taking all my cards and lowering D they gave me larger credit lines I would get letters in the mail and now they’ve taken everything back and I don’t even have a credit card so him and now all I have left is a little bit of jewelry that I need to go and pawn or sell at the pawnshop the last thing I have of my mothers things and I still haven’t done that because I feel like I’m forced to do something I don’t wanna do I feel I have nothing to live for except my daughter but even that it’s becoming harder and harder I always said I would never off myself because I would be in purgatory and I would never see my daughter again and I would never ever leave her with that mental burden all I’ve ever wanted for my daughter more than anything in the world is just stability mental stability mental stability I said to my strength I’m raising my daughter to break the cycle in my family and with my therapist looked at me and said no you’re not raising her to break the cycle you did it you me I broke it and she’s right and I was so proud my daughters had nothing but love well I don’t even think I could do it for as much as that’s all I’ve ever wanted was for to be mentally stable life back to God and don’t we can have my life if he would just make sure my daughter was mentally stable and never once went through the pig 30 seconds of the pain of having a mother standing over you what you’re bawling and she’s telling you what a piece of shit you are an all honesty I wasn’t horrible child I was a scared child afraid of my mother but I loved her so much and when she showed me just a little bit ago I ate it up I can remember every detail of every time she’s ever put her arms around me it really helped me and told me that everything was gonna be OK and that’s three times in my life but it felt amazing and I know she loved me I just didn’t like me and she suffered from a horrible childhood as well it’s no excuse though I don’t know what to do I’m scared I just wanna let everything go and just walk into the woods no bills no people to disappoint you no one to see you cry no one to see you fail
I will say that I got Covid in June 2021 I had for five weeks it wasn’t the coughing in my lungs it was vomiting high fever for 16 days everything hurt and there was a noise in my ears like a helicopter was going over my house for nine days straight it was bad I had to crawl around on the floor for weeks because I couldn’t stand up because my equilibrium was so off and my vision I remember that I couldn’t hold anything down I lost 23 pounds and I was already thin but I haven’t been able to gain 1 pound back and people don’t understand they’re like oh but you’re so skinny oh you’re so I’m too skinny but I will say that I’ve never felt the same since I had that I have always felt weak since I had Covid I still get nauseous when I am starving and I take a few bites I get really nauseous my appetite is never been the same I used to eat so much and I I can’t now and my brain is not the same I changed will it changed me badly I don’t feel like me anymore if that makes sense I mean I truly don’t feel like the same person I feel like a stranger I don’t even know how to get back to that person I’ve tried and tried and tried but my brain is not functioning the way it used to and I had a stroke a minor stroke the whole right side of my tongue was paralyzed this was a three months ago it lasted for almost a month I couldn’t speak right arm I don’t know what’s going on but I do realize that in the last few days I realize that the Covid that I had has it just changed me I seriously changed I’m not the same person I’m not I’m listless I’m I don’t my skin hangs off I can’t gain a pound Back not 1 pound and I feel weak and I’m a very energetic girl I am everyone comments on my energy but I don’t have it anymore and everything is so gloomy and gray and I just need help I pray every day to God and Jesus to the Angels to the Archangel Saint Michael’s in Gabriel’s at your house in Rockwell all her kids to somebody please help me please help me I’m drowning Minister may cannot save myself I’ve tried I’ve tried so hard I just wanna lay here and never got up
Hopeless,
I hurt for you while reading your comment. Thank you for sharing so much here. It must have taken a lot of time and tears to write out your story like that.
I’m grateful you have a therapist and are not alone in this darkest of times. Please know you can also call 988 to talk with someone at any time.
While reading about your mother’s horrid treatment of you, it reminded me that one of the goals of therapy is to help people not take personally the abuse and neglect they experienced as a child. That abuse wasn’t about you; it was about her. Hopefully you know that already but even if you know it rationally, the little child in you might not.
What you’re going through sounds overwhelming and very painful. I’m wishing for the very best for you. ❤️
That’s like saying don’t take it personally about the person who ran you over and crippled you, because they didn’t mean to. Pain is pain. Mental or physical. I feel sick when people simplify things. All these sites said “talk to your friends how you feel” but when I did they were pissed off with me. so much for that.
I no what you are going through I went through the same thing with my mom she always told me she hated me wished I wasn’t born I’m a piece of shit I’m just like my dad I can’t hold down a job because of her I’m scared I’m going to get yelled at I was a workaholic too I was put in a group home and I left I got raped at 15 years old and my mom slapped me in my face and got me locked up I lost the baby and my dad got out of prison and got killed now I’m a grandmother and they are all I have no family or friends at all no transportation and no income and I can’t even clean so depressed my family cut me off sister has a baby shower for my daughter and didn’t tell me daughter went into labor no one told me and she got married the other day didn’t invite me I wouldn’t have went anyway my mom and sister and stepdad has been destroying me all my life thought they would grow out of it I’m 50 years old they won’t stop now they are trying to turn my kids and grandkids against me they just hate me
I wish that i could hit God in the head with a baseball bat the way he is trying to destroy our world today as he is working with Satan and these low life liberals to take us down. God is a scumbag altogether.
God sees the greater picture, we see only our own circumstances. Don’t get me wrong, I share your disappointment and frustration. But I believe it will all be made right in time. Frustration and disappointment is normal, but keep the Faith.
No way is there a God
He stood by while my child was brutally murdered
God loves us all don’t disrespect him there is a lot he can’t interfere with we live our own lives but sometimes he manages to give people signals and miracles
I think the thought is, when one die the others realize one never been IT. For those who scream at you at critizize you and say you shall instantly stop something that you are anyway not doing, so you can’t stop because passiv and they get angry and then there is the thought of killing you to stop it and you think “i would, maybe that help them realize me never been that”
Accept the fact that it is my life and my right to end it.
Life is not worth living
I understand. Apparently I emotionally mistreat those around me. I am 68 years old and feel like I am done living. I truly wish I could die and leave my wife and daughter an 800,000.00 life insurance policy and just be done with it. Bodily, I am aging what seems like more than my 68 chronological years. I feel exhausted, done, unloved and add no joy to anyone’s life. I want the pain to stop.
thank you
” You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition” I saw my doctor and they said theres no physical way of determining depression. I showed him thus article and he dismissed it and ‘bullshit’ and ‘not to listen to such rubbish’
So my doctor was no help and I have no family,friends or support group. Usually people who want to die don’t have great support or lives, hemce why they want it to end.
People who have access to these things tend to already be happier and not be in this situation in the first place.
M,
I’m sorry you’re struggling and alone, each of which is difficult by itself and exponentially more so together. I’m wondering if you’ve tried out therapy, online support groups, and the national suicide lifeline (just dial 988). You can find more information on the Resources page.
Also, thanks for pointing out there’s some ambiguity in the wording of my article. I didn’t mean to imply that there’s a physical way of determining depression. As your doctor said (with rather salty language), there’s no physical test for depression, just diagnostic questions. But there ARE ways to test for physical conditions known to cause depression. Some of these include thyroid disorder, vitamin D deficiency, vitamin B12 deficiency, and more. You can find a lot more information about this on Google, and I find this article especially helpful: Physical Health Conditions that Can Mimic Depression.
Best wishes to you, and thanks for sharing here!
I lost everything my truck my home my dog and sister tryed to take my role over as a mother and grandmother my mom has always treated her like she loved her and she makes it clear she hates me I’m extremely depressed I can’t even get help no income and no car no friends or family I’m 50 years old and don’t have nothing can’t help my kids financially all I can do is watch my grandkids I can’t even take them to park nothing trying to get disability but I will probably not get it there is nothing left for me I can’t live in in a toxic relationship he acts like my mom all I ever did was help people noone is here for me if I don’t get disability I won’t be living I don’t no how to live
It makes me happy to think that someday I will do it. Somewhat of a relief.
Yes, This!
I’ve wanted to die for a long time. I hate living in this world. I even tell my therapist this. I’m depressed and have anxiety they say. I’m on 3 medications. I have children and grandchildren but I can see them from heaven. I don’t want to kill myself but I want to die. Get a disease and die. I pray at night to die.
I understand and feel the same. Wish I knew what to do.
My exgirlfriends name is Linda. Its not that i read this because of the relationship, well not that stereotype kinda way, but it hurts to read this name…i dont know why she needed to block me. She thought i would betray her so intensly that she didnt believed me when i said that not and that i love her…
I feel exactly the same way. I don’t want to leave everyone in pain or blame, but I want to just pass on and be at peace be it an accident or a disease. I have no hope or ambition for things to change. I want out
Life is very hard and empty. Im trying so hard to hang in there. If it wasnt for my oldest son, I would of been gone a long time ago. I hate the way the world is, and I just dont think Im supposed to be here. When all one does is suffer, whats the use of fighting about it.
WS, I agree with you, most of this world is not for good people, and as many I believe God has a plan for all the good and evil ones, one day we will finally experience it. Do not loose hope.
physical causes of depression:
thyroid (see doctor.. usually easily remedied but can be like going through a day – from when you wake up until finally going to bed – tied to an anchor..
testosterone production: my doctor saw my performance at the gym decline to just sitting; trying to motivate myself to move.. he told me to come into his office before hours the next day.. I did.. my testosterone was down from 900 to 140.. and my thyroid? it also was underperforming.. both were easily remedied (but the real reason testosterone collapsed? see next part)
opioid usage: I had a bad fall that flipped me 270 degrees flat in my back at the landfill.. I was pulled off a 6′ high ledge by a recliner that my arm had somehow become wedged into and slammed onto a c
The bank of canada has raised interest rates many times in the past few months to purposely make the working class even more broke. Not to mention heating costs, rent and groceries all cost about 20% more than last year. For the first time in 48 years I’ve become a working slave to debt and cannot afford to live. Eventually my family and i will be homeless as a result. Every night lately I wish I would just die in my sleep. Every time I hear of someones death, not only am I happy/excited for them because they are no longer suffering, but I am also jealous and wish it was me
Friends, I want to add something. People say “call 988”! but i just did and I got a guy with an accent so thick I couldn’t understand a word he said. How did this guy get the job? I had to hang up. I rarely get a really sharp, tuned-in person on the suicide hotline, it is mostly low IQ people who “want to help.” They’re not doctors, they can’t solve any of your problems. Very angry and fed up tonight, sitting by myself in a Whole Foods because I can’t take being in my apartment day after week after month after year and i just get so angry i want to blow my brains out and let people see me with the brains splattered against the wall and say “Gee, what happened?”
I can relate!
That’s terrible. I’m sorry
I relate
I’d like much rather hear you talking about the anger your holding onto. What is it? Why does it have si much control over your emotions. I’d like to hear you say fuck you to that shit your playing in your head. I started shutting my negative shit out with being thankful for toilet paper, a car, a window to roll down. It seems stupid and sometimes I forget but when I don’t it works. People love to see others progress. It gives them hope so if you give up out of anger you lose and your never heard. Use your voice to inspire others. Share your sorrow that creates your anger and sets you free.
I called suicide hotline during my worst occurrences and got a busy signal, continuously. That kind of sums up our situation, doesn’t it? Dealing with clinical depression since I was about 12-that would be 56 years ago. All I can advise is hang in there one more day. Just one more day and then another.
Exactly this. One more day. And another. Day by day is the only option / approach for many of us. All of us?
I fucking hate myself and want to kill me so I can get as far away from me as possible
Hey there, you beautiful being, you have a right to be here in God’s created world as much as another person, even though at this moment you may feel bad about yourself. Please think of one kind thing you have done, one good experience, one lovely gesture others have given you….. If there is something that makes you feel bad about yourself now, can you say sorry and ask forgiveness from this person, yourself and above all our Creator, God. There must be a reason why you were born, even there are so much troubles in this world. You are valued, heard and acknowledged. So please now try to start again……. first be kind to yourself…. Let’s learn from the animals, birds, flowers around us, they shine by nature, just being who they naturally are. It does not seem they have bad feelings towards themselves. Take good care. Lu
I’m afraid trying the God thing on people feeling so low is a ridiculous way of trying to help.
If there really was a loving “God”, there would not be such crap around. we’d have Utopia – we don’t, we have reality. And for some, the reality is downright awful.
What happend
I feel like that too. The pain is almost indescibable, and just want some relief. My family and friends tell me I’m just being a drama queen, and to get over myself. They say I just whine and cry all the time to get attention, and play the “poor me”card. Ironically, attention is the last thing I want, it’s embarrasing. I HATE letting anyone see me weak & crying like a big baby. Nobody else acts like me, but I don’t know how to act like everyone else…LOSER! encouraging words, or off
Let me guess, do they say you’re “making excuses” as well? You’re not alone; that’s what the compliant slaves do to those of us who do not want to be enslaved. They have already sold their souls, & they want you to sell yours too, to conform, to march in line to the same slaughterhouse they’re marching in step to. They have accepted the trap, & they abide the trappers, the so-called “ruling elites,” because for some reason, they accept that “it’s just the way it is,” & because it’s “just the way it is,” YOU, just like them, have to follow along. It’s pathetic, but sadly, many of the regular folks, adhere to this notion. I don’t, & clearly you don’t either, & because we don’t, they call you a whiner, a drama queen, “poor you,” & you just make excuses. You’re not alone, believe me, & because we refused to be enslaved, the ones who accept their slavery belittle us, bc it’s “just the way it is,” right? What a terrible horrible wicked godless world. I want outta here. I ‘m just looking for a safe home for my cat to go when Im gone, then Im done. I am NOT going to “live” like a God-damned slave, because that’s not “living” to me, it’s death, a slow suicide, so why not speed it up, & go at my own accord, rather than when we all finally get rounded up & marched to the slaughterhouse like good sheep do. Not me, & I’ve already lost all of my family & friends. No one is left, NO ONE, & I have nothing material left. Only my cat, my only friend until the end, & once he’s taken care of, it’s going to be over, FINALLY, finally at 46, over, the suffering will be over, & I can sleep forever. In dreams, I have no recollection of even being here. There’s a whole other world when I sleep, one where I can even fly, as easy a walking, with no internet, no cell phones, nothing as atrocious as money, there’s none of that. There’s only places I know, people I love, but places & people that do not exist here in the waking 3d world, yet somehow I am familiar with these places & people, more-so than here. And, like I said, I can fly, as easy & 2nd nature to me as walking. These dreams are so vivid, that I wake up heartbroken when I realize I am back here, bad in this hell. Maybe this actually is hell, Idk. I can try to ask God & see what he says…(crickets)…this is Pandemonium, world of the demons, & the dead, & I want out asap. If we’re all killing ourselves as slaves, why is suicide so frowned upon? Oh, probably because they don’t what everyone to know that there was always an option to free yourself, but they’ve made everyone paranoid to even consider it. Many famous people kill themselves, because even they, once they’ve realized what this world really is, can’t take the enslavement, & want to be free like we were truly meant to be, not this madness. Best of luck…
It is worse to survive the suicide attempt. Your life is more difficult and always under scrutiny. Dr’s,family members, if you have friends. Everyone asking if you’re ok. Hello….we’re not. Now they’re all watching, feeling guilty. It is not easy to kill yourself. Everyone thinks you can od,go to sleep and never wake up. Not so easy. Attempt #2 failed. Baker act sends you 2 the psych ward. Still here..
What did you see when you died? I have as well, but I’m curious what you saw. It was just like a dream for me, no recollection of even being here whatsoever, then once they revived me, the reverse, I had a quick glimpse, but it faded fast before I could write it down, just like a dream, just like before we were born, as if this “life” is taken way too seriously
you have amazing passion you are not empty you feel, you actually feel and that is something profound to think on
I dont need healing I need someone to buy my stupid condo so I can leave this transphobic state but no one can buy it because there are too many career landlords here and no one can get a mortgage for it and I have no autonomy in this world ever and I want to die
I’m 84 years old I’ve lost everybody was estranged from my daughter My social security can’t pay the bills because my landlord keeps shocking my rent I don’t know what to do I can’t pay it and he’s beginning eviction practically I have been in the house for the last 7 days most of the time in bed then I watch TV then I go back to bed I sleep and dream and have some good dreams and that makes me feel good reality for me is is misery no happiness exists for me I have no one therapy doesn’t work I don’t want to take my life but going to sleep peacefully and that be the end of it would be a blessing that’s all I have to say
Ditto
Hi Steve. I’m 69 and hanging in there every day just like yourself. I have never met you, but I love you brother. Please hang in there, you make the world a better place every day you exist. You may not know that, but it’s true. The world is a better place for what you add. I hope your situation works out better in the meantime. Peace, Brother.
I’d rather be DEAD than live another moment in this lonely pathetic existence of a life! I’ve had it wort being in EXCRUCIATING PAIN 24/7 for 9 years!!! Just because I’m UGLY AF, I’m automatically a WORTHLESS PIECE OF SHIT!! Literally NOBODY wants me around. They just want what I’ve worked my ass off to have! Fuck my life! Fuck everyone that treated me like shit! Fuck everything!! Just let me Fucking DIE in my sleep!! I’ve been treated like SHIT for over 40 Fucking years!! Let me go peacefully!!
CMS, I hear you….. people can be very cruel, and not just sometimes but most of the times. I am learning to have no expectation of them, rather if I can be kind a little, I try. Why ? Because we all need some care, sometimes, some day, somewhere. I cannot apologize for those who are nasty to you, but I can pray for you now, at this moment, that Angels would be sent around by God, the Source to help you through.
No, I don’t think you’re so ugly that you will never be loved. Get away from the losers who use you. There are people who are looking for kind souls to go through life with. Change your circle of friends. They suck.
CMS, you are a hero for every day you hang in there. We have never met, but I want you to know you’ve impacted me positively with your comments. I hope your days come easier now, I truly do. Peace, Brother.
What’s so good about life anyway?
Too many people on the planet I hope something happens soon to wipe humanity off this planet.
First off, you care about what’s going on in the world. It wouldn’t bother you if you didn’t. The big problem is with people who don’t care or people who are caught up in hate. And those people can be changed by people like you. It’s easy to let what’s wrong outside drag you down. But change happens from the inside out. How you feel about yourself and the relationship you have with yourself are key. Take a good look at what’s bothering you and give yourself all the room in the world to do what you need to fix it. Don’t give yourself a time limit either. Baby steps are really important when we’re in the toughest spots. You can get through this.
Actually that is a myth. If you travel across the US, most of it is empty space. It just that most of the people live in cities so it seems like there are too many people. Hang in there.
There doesn’t seem to be any reason to keep going. Physically, so many problems, COPD, heart attack, diabetes, terrible arthritis, obesity, sleep apnea, etc, etc, etc . . the list goes on and on. Husband passed away, we did not have children, don’t have any family of my own. Relatives have their own family and problems. Some help occasionally, but, seems they’ve grown tired of it. I haven’t spoken to anyone in over three days. Read the newspaper out loud just to use my voice. Yeah, going to sleep and not waking up doesn’t sound unpleasant.
Hi – I know what you mean about relatives that have just grown tired of anything related to me. I’ve been divorced for 13 years, I live alone, work from home, and rarely ever see another living soul. I talk to my dogs like they are people. I would be very happy to talk to you but I’m sure we’re probably not allowed to leave an email address here… just keep thinking good thoughts!
I’m also alone. Both my dogs passed away in the last year, one to cancer and the other to congestive heart failure. I wish I had them both still with me. FWIW, I love you CBAZ and I can relate to your circumstance. Hang in there!
Hi there, I feel your pain, I too have COPD, diabetes and this week I have been diagnosed with Herpes 1 – I am struggling as I am single and long for a loving partner. I have a daughter who gave me a beautiful granddaughter a couple of years ago and after confiding in her about the Herpes diagnosis, she has now banned me from kissing my granddaughter. It has hurt me to the core and made me feel dirty and like I should be locked away. I have been told by Herpes.org.uk that I am not contagious by kissing anyone (let alone my grandbaby) because its genital herpes. Its bad enough that if I am lucky to meet a new partner, I will have to let him know and now my own daughter sees me as a threat. I can’t stop thinking about ending this life that I feel is useless and pointless and the only thing that kept me going was my girls. I read your post and really identify with it. All I can think of saying to you is that true friends, dont judge and are always at the end of the phone, please reach out to them, they would want you too. Much love xx
I pray almost every night that I’ll die in my sleep. I’m scared I’ll go to Hell if I kill myself but I don’t want to be here. I hate my life so bad and Dont feel like it’s fair for me to be punished for wanting to end it. I wished I’d have never been born.
LEE, I hear you, and feel very bad for you. Likewise here, everyday I dread to wake up because it is another day of not wanting to live …… feel very depressed due to my circumstances. Life can be very difficult for many, and it is so senseless. So I try to still remember that God is above everything, including our sufferings…. why we suffer here, sometimes they are not due to our own faults, yet we suffer. I am only hoping that one day when we are finally there, meeting our Maker, God, the Source, we can finally understand it all. So meanwhile, we still need to be kind, and be good in this remaining life despite how we feel inside…. God Bless us all. A prayer to everyone who are suffering deeply. L
Me, too…wish I could induce a massive heart attack. Wish I could just go to sleep and die. I pray to God sometimes late at night that tonight my heart will stop and my suffering will end. I literally have nothing to look forward to but more aloneness in a violent, stupid world of mouth-breathing fucking assholes. There are more assholes than people who care. And all people do is keep right on having more kids. Anyone see a bright future for humanity?
same i just really wanna go to sleep and never wake up whats the point of trying to explain yourself and the person just says no this is what it is and you should accept that its what you are doing.
Lee, and I’m being sincere about this. Would it help if I told you that we’re already in hell ? It’s not going to get worse than this as it’s one of the lowest planes of existence. I feel you, but I like to wake up everyday not because life in this realm is a gift as the clueless claim, but as a middle finger to the sick degenerates ruling over it both in the physical and metaphysical sense. Try what I do upon waking and berate the moronic god of this realm, which really can get you that daily pep in your step. And no, for those who believe in Christianity, I’m not Christian bashing. I’m of the belief that we’re souls trapped in a matrix which thrives upon parasitism, misery, suffering, and humiliation. All I know is that I’m too tired to fall for the soul light trap ever again.
I pray most ever night to die in my sleep, but I’m still here and I have multiple health problems. I want to set my husband free to find his perfect wife, because I am not her and never will be.
you are perfect to him
There are NOT lots of things to do to feel better. Nothing to do but hang on or curl up in bed till it goes away, even if it’s days.
i don’t want to be here anymore, been here in earth all my life.
people are cruel. im hated on everyday. even when i walk outside, people judge, stare, bully me.
i feel like im alone. i’ve been laughed at for so many years. i hate my life.
i’ve been hospitalized…NOTHING HELPS AT ALL.
i’m tired i can’t stand this crap any more i can’t stop crying i’m so mad i want to kill my self i can’t stand this dam world. i lost one of the most wonderfull pet’s i cant take it any more kill me damn it kill me
Im lost have been for a while, asked for help from pros,
I don’t want to be here
What happen if you got no one to talk to? Only thing they going to say everything is going to get better, have a open mind, lol,do you really need to hear that?
I wish I could just go to sleep & die, I have no one, I have severe depression, diabetes, had heart attack & cancer last year. I rent a room but haven’t been working, can’t pay my rent about to be homeless, everyday I just keep thinking how can I end my life. I don’t want to do it here, there’s kids in the house, thought about stepping in front of a bus or a big rig truck that always doing 50 by the street I live on. I was found to be SMI but have received no help, So tired, I’m sick all the time, why can’t a person just choose to die,
David, if you still have friends, or people around, go and chat with them…… just to pass the day, or even go play with small animals, volunteer in animal shelter ??? Do the same again, again and again, it may lift your spirit up …… by being around some beautiful warm energy. Just prayed for you.
All these people whining about wanting to die when they’re MARRIED, when they HAVE FAMILIES WHO LOVE THEM, when they have CHILDREN:
SHUT TF UP ALREADY.
None of you have any valid reason to want to die, get a damn life and stop being such drama queens.
Try being WITHOUT FAMILY, LOVE, SECURITY, OR SAFETY since the age of ELEVEN.
How about knowing that NO-ONE wants you in their life long term?
Or that it’s been OVER SIX YEARS since you’ve heard anyone say they loved you (friend don’t count, that’s not life sustaining love that involves loving touch. I certainly don’t touch anyone in not sleeping with, because my body responds sexually to touch)
Doesn’t matter,
I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly and feeling so alone. I hope things get better for you! Please check out the resources listed on this website for places you can talk with someone for free by phone, chat, text, or email.
I do want to point out that depression doesn’t care if people are married or have families who love them or have children. Depression still can smother anyone. So can other sources of emotional pain that can fuel suicidal thoughts, such as trauma, stress, deprivation, other mental illness, etc. It’s all relative.
Before you ridicule, criticize and abuse, walk a mile in our shoes.
Yes, indeed most of these jack offs couldn’t stand 5 minutes of the abuse we’ve had to get through our whole lives.
Thank you. I like that. People really have no idea especially if they say that it’s about being a drama queen and comments like that. That’s not even close and does more damage then help. And can be a big trigger for someone who is really struggling and enough to push them off that final edge. No one wakes up one day and decides they want to have these feelings and the pain. I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Again it’s not about being drama queens and wanting attention however the drama would and could definitely begin after comments like that. Good way to start it up for sure. Tired of hearing stuff like this and it’s old. Please come up with something different and more helpful maybe? Or nothing at all please.
Yup, and Christmas and the Fourth of July and Thanksgiving and New Year’s eve are an absolute joy when you are all alone in the world.
yes! every day. I dont want the pain or cause my family pain. but I feel like a failure in college and relationships, ending it all is the only way out of the shame and pressure I feel right now. anyway. stay safe guys.
So many travails. Now at 64 I am wondering why keep going. Yes, my husband wants me in his life. Yes, I inspire people I meet to pursue the best in theirs. My children, I miss and need them in my life, but they are young and independent and don’t need me. This is good, as they know how to survive without me. Health issues have me feeling depleted, unneeded and unwanted. Just like when I was in an abusive relationship, every day I pray I’ll be excited about celebrating the gifts of each day. Yet, here I am in bed crying.
What I don’t understand is, how can people be pro-Choice, but anti-assisted suicide? I want to get off of this planet, but there is basically no painless way to do so without help. It’s my body and my choice, and yet we aren’t allowed to exit peacefully. But pro-Choice women feel like it’s ok to choose death for their unborn baby. This just makes no sense. I’m 42, and have managed to not get pregnant- it wasn’t that hard, condoms do not break as much as people say. I know that I have severe depression, and am unable to take care of a child. I’m tired of this world, also tired of the torture and killing of animals, tired of society’s obsession with looks and money, I’m just tired of it all. Therapy doesn’t help, nor does that stupid crisis line, and honestly when I hear someone died, I think of all the animals that will be saved from them not being around to eat them anymore. I hate this world.
Living with hsv2 has destroyed my life and make me so sick, I can’t work move I can’t live like this anymore
I can’t wake up to this pain again I NEED it to end permanently
[This comment was changed to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]
i am old, sick and out of luck. Death would be a blessing and a relief. living is torturous and i wish there were a way for me to go. i am too great a coward to commit suicide but i must find a strategy to overcome my cowardice.i long for my final sleep: things just grow increasingly bad. i pray that euthanasia would become available for me.my primary focus is to leave the world. i pray for a fatal medical diagnosis and event. i contemplate not taking my presription meds or taking them all at once. i wish i could go anywhere to have an assisted death, but for some bizarre reason society has made suicide and suicidal ideation virtually criminal. i am empty and dead inside already i just want to finish the process. hopefully i will get struck by a vehicle or a bolt of lightening. or just that my heart will stop.
Louis, God will lead us …… Just prayed for you.
I read your comment. Do you have physical pain 24 7. How is your brain. No one in the world is as sick as me. A MRI for back pain destroyed the nerves in my ears. Dizzy and pressure in my head 24/7. Drs. made me worse. I feel like I am jumping out of my skin. I can not sleep since this MRI. The noise damaged my brain. I tried to kill myself 3 times and the opioids caused worse brain damage. I tried to choke myself and the electrical cord cause even more brain damage. I do nothing all day but lay in bed. My mind is totally ruined. I am freezing cold all the time. I lay in my little room with a space heater. I beg God to stop my heart but it keeps beating. I want to die so bad so bad. The suffering is so horrible. Not one second of my life can I enjoy. I have been like this 17 months with no way to get better. I also wish they had legalized euthenasia. I would do it in a second. No doctor will give me sedatives so I could try again. If you try with opioids it stops breathing so you get brain damage like I did but your heart keeps beating. I need my heart to stop.
I just want it to be over. I’m tired and drained by adult kid’s using and mentally destroying me. My death will help them grow up and learn to help themselves.
I dont know what to do anymore. I feel like i always do my best everyday for the past 4 years but i dont feel rewarded for my hard work. Instead of a reward, the problem that i have keep pouring in my life. For now i dont even need any reward, i just need a break from all of my problem and live a happy live like everyone i know, is that to much to ask?
If i can, i would like to go to sleep and never waking up again.
I have many times read messages on this site that encourage us to hang on one more day, that say that we are worthwhile, and that some people would be devastated if they were to lose us.
And, for the most part, with a few exceptions (Danny, I’m looking at you), my reaction has been yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, I gotta tell you that it’s all true. Life can turn around. We do each have a gift that is ours alone to give. There are people in our lives who do love us to the extent that they would be devastated if we abandoned them by taking ourselves out of their lives.
After 50 years of feeling anguished, ashamed and disgusted because of events I had no control of, I am free of them. For 50 years I’ve been carrying this load and when things shifted, I could actually feel in my shoulders, the weight drop off.
So, what happened? I’m happy to tell you, but I’m not sure it matters. For me it was a powerful, personal confession to the Divine. But I think that there are as many ways to take a step, just one little step, away from our wounds and pains as there are ways to acquire them in the first place.
I would like to send each of you light and love and blessings – but I think that might seem presumptuous, so I will end, as my mother would say, on a wing and a prayer for us all.
not sure why, but your words made me feel a little better put a tiny spark of hope into my soul but I’m so very tired thank you for your honest words
I just want to sleep and not wake up is that too much to ask
It seems it’s very much asking.
I don’t know how old you are but I’m almost 65 and I feel my life has been a big mistake from my 1st breath up to now.
I just wish I could disappear no leaving a single trace of myself as if I never existed.
But it’s not so simple.
Even when you want to die you still have to fight.
There must be a way somewhere.
If anyone has a hint, … Pass it on !
I feel exactly as you, having spent 62 years as a mistake that should have never born.
Utterly tired and lonely, of what use is to exist when all roads are now closed and there is nowhere to go but into the maelstrom of my mind where past and present spiral in fear of the next day?
Me too.
I’m with you on this. So, if one wants to cease living how is it considered wrong? One cant cease living without commiting suicide. I want to cease living, I want to stop going thru all the bullshit. But in order to do so, I need to take my life which is wrong. WHat gives?
If you like living, great. But those who want to die should be provided the means to go with dignity and no pain. You aren’t living their lives, so stop telling them to keep going. All the I Love Yous and It Gets Betters doesn’t change anything about their situations. As for loved ones … if they truly loved you, they would understand.
honestly this is straight facts
I just want to nap for a few months. Stop thinking, feeling, worring. A break not dead. I would love to be all jacked up on something for a couple weeks in the bin sounds wonderful. Tired of feeling, want oblivion.
I wanted to kill myself for over 10 years , I just never had the guts to Carry out my wishes I need help I know that I am not normal. ALL OF MY LIFE I HAVE BEEN A SOCIAL OUTCAST…AND I JUST WANT IT TO END…SIMPLY PUT.
I don’t want to hurt the people I love but I really don’t give a s*** whether I’m here or not I think sleep and never wake up would be good
I don’t want to cause pain to those who love me but I want oblivion. If people saw the respect I have in my profession and my wealth and my strong body they would say I am selfish but I’m tired of trying to make sense of life. My favourite part of the day is that moment when I slip into a drowsy pre-sleep state and the hardest part of my day is waking up at 4 or 5am and realising I have another day.
Your post resonated with me. Please don’t feel you are alone, we are Legion for we are many.
I only have one friend, my dog. Even though she has bitten me I still love her, it was my fault anyway. When she dies I will happily die with her.
I felt
the same way when my wife was dying…that was in 2020.
I keep praying to God to take me.
i was cheerful, extrovert, social, hardworking., enjoyed small things, loved eating, had friends, had a genuinely happy life..but didnt have a good relationship with mother, loved everything but home. It was scary, always walked on eggshells. I was happy when I left for college. But soon felt like going back into that environment because i felt empty without that. I have fallen back on so many things, got in and out of a bad friendship that has forever ruined my trust. I overthink, sometimes oversleep, lost all energy mentally, lonely, i dont enjoy anything anymore, have high social anxiety, get anxiety tremors, need to study- but just cant seem to do that. I dont remember any event in my life..only hold on to the negative events. Small things make me cry. A girl who scored 98 in 12th boards is failing in college and has given up. I dont enjoy my fav foods anymore. My personality completly changed. I people please everyone and always guilt trap myself. I am tired! Always when i am travelling, eating , sleeping, I make up scenarios where something happens and i die!
I am so sorry for all that you have gone through. I pray that you don’t give up and by God’s strength you change back to the vibrant person you once were.
Sometimes I feel this way, then I feel angry I felt this way because it isn’t okay to live in a world that makes anyone feel like they wish they could go to sleep and not wake up. Life is worth living, and I found that out in my darkest moments. What if I missed out on something tomorrow? Next week? Next month? I wouldn’t be here to see that because I’d be not alive. If you feel like this I hope that you know that you matter, you are loved, even when no one nears you ever shows it. You are so very valuable to live and I can’t wait to see you alive another day.
Oulu,
What beautiful, poignant sentiments. Your fear of missing out on something tomorrow (if you died) reminds me of a saying I read: “We are unaware of what sweet miracles may come.” And also, though this has become cliché: “Don’t quit five minutes before your miracle.”
Thanks for sharing your compassionate words here. You will never know how many people you’ve touched with them, but I’m certain there will be many.
At 57 lost hope, frustrated, and angry not by will. I am totally miserable and just want to crawl under a rock. Going to sleep and not waking up, shutting it off, is my only hope for peace. I feel sorry for anyone who has to be around me. It has been a life of torment. All hope is lost.
Dibbler,
You’re clearly suffering, and I’m sorry. Though your feelings are of course valid, I hope very much your thoughts are wrong — I hope there is still hope for you, and for peace, in this life. Are you getting help? Please check out places you can talk with someone for free by phone, email, chat, or text; I list them here.
Thanks for sharing here!
I feel the same. I’m also resentful that I have people that I have to care for because if I didn’t I would have already ended it. I feel so selfish
I’ve got a very low heart rate at 43 bpm. I’m hoping that it stops forever.
Ray,
Wow, that is a very low heart rate! As for your emotions, I hope you’ll talk with someone about how you feel. I list here some places you can talk by phone, chat, text, or email.
Thanks for sharing here!
There’s no hope
I feel the same way
i dnt know wht to do i am feeling like kill my self and i need help plz help me to take decision. should i run from home or stay here
Asma,
Are you in the U.S.? If so, please call 988 or text 741741 anytime to speak with someone about what you’re going through. You can also check out other resources here: speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp
Thanks for sharing here!
My therapist tells me, “You’re too valuable to lose.” Sadly, she’s mistaken about that.
I’m hoping not to be around for another holiday season.
Tim,
It’s so painful to feel that way. I hope you’ll consider the possibility that, for whatever reason, you’re mistaken about her being mistaken.
This post might be of interest to you: Does Your Mind Lie to You about Suicide & the People who Care about You?
Thanks for sharing here!
It looks fairly certain than my husband of 10 years will leave me and it really is mostly on me. What goes around comes around. Now I need to figure out a way to kill myself. I don’t care about living especially when he leaves. There may be some people who will grieve and wonder what they could have done differently. Answer: Nothing. Anybody got any ideas of how to reassure them that there is truly, truly nothing they could have done?
My name is Daniel Nancy I’m 65 and have felt horrible feelings of harm for my self but I still go on walks by myself and love the sky the trees the air the beauty that we all recognize maybe different ways,but no matter what any body does to us how useless I feel there is something out there no matter how small even if it’s just a cool breeze on your face .Stay here Nancy your not alone….just breathe. Danny
Please accept my grateful thanks, Danny. I so need to know I am not the only person who is so haunted. I might not be able to walk and look at trees right now, but breathe? That I can do.
Danny and Nancy,
Danny: Thanks so much for reaching out to Nancy and sharing your experience.
Nancy: Thanks so much for responding.
I’m very moved to see this kind of connection between readers . Hurt people can help other hurt people; I’m grateful to have witnessed it many times on this site.
To both of you: I wish for you hope, peace, and healing, no matter what life throws your way.
Hang in there Nancy, you are not alone-we are Legion for we are many. Your words moved my heart. Please stay in the game, you are an essential link in the chain even if you don’t feel like it. FWIW I am 68 and have battled clinical depression all my life.
Landos: your support came totally out of the blue, just when I needed it ever so badly. You shared your light with me today, at a time when my own is flickering pretty dim.
Thank you
Why bother? I work a great job with good benefits and good pay. Yet, for all the years I’ve been saving, home prices are going higher, faster than my savings. I already work hard… I don’t feel like working harder. An only child that was uprooted right in the middle of growing up, I’ve been living a slow death every day since I ended up in this hell. Parents are dying. There’s no one and no point. I can’t wait to be free of this sick society.
hello “NOPE”.. I actually know how you feel sometimes.. in 1951 I was born into a family that never seemed to have money.. six of us lived in a one bedroom apartment in Los Angeles.. my brothers and I were subjected to ritualized weekend beatings because we bit our fingernails.. there were dozens of weekends when we were locked in our bedroom without food from Fri afternoon until Monday morning.. baseball and art were my greatest talents so my Father refused to let me play baseball after age 12 and threw out my artwork if my homework wasn’t finished.. there were times I had to stay home from school because I swelled up from beatings and my pants couldn’t fit.. I remember reading Tarzan books and -essentially – adopted his spirit if invincibility.. I was a straight A student (except in ‘conduct’) and hated bullies.. I was in a catholic school system (yes, I tried to get help but they’d just call the house and report the bad things I’d said about my family situation.. this, of course, made things worse).. in 5th -6th grade I was fighting fairly frequently.. three times ambulances came to the school because I’d knocked-out bullies.. in high school I made Class Prez and after my Dad refused to let me interview with college recruiters (and threw out letters from colleges when I applied behind his back) I was left with one distasteful option: I competed for and was appointed to USMA @ West Point.. I left after a few months; I hated it.. my Dad went ballistic.. I’d recently turned 18 so I left home.. I was a ‘hotshot’ fighting wildfires for LA County FD in 1969.. testosterone was a problem for me so I quit FD and enlisted in US Army to see Vietnam War before it ended (I didn’t even consider that I’d continue seeing it for the remainder of my days).. I served in the 101st Airborne Division.. I had a fiancée who decided after a few months of separation she wanted to sample most of LA’s male population (I, found out later she’d ‘sampled’ my 16 year old brother within six hours of my departure from LAX [I, on the other hand, never so much as kissed another lady while overseas])… but made a terrible mistake after getting my fiancés “Dear John” letter: I sampled heroin.. 94% pure China White heroin.. nothing – and I mean NOTHING – mattered anymore.. I was hooked.. this was in 1971 and one of every seven GIs was addicted to heroin.. everything spiraled downhill and I stole a TV to buy some ‘skag’ and was sentenced to hard labor.. I was still jailed when the Red Cross located me because my Mom contacted them: I was a month overdue to return Stateside.. after jail I went AWOL and was living in a Village west of Hue.. MPs were tipped off.. I was arrested and physically placed on an airliner; returning to USA.. when I reported to my Fort Hood, TX duty station I screwed up so bad I was discharged as ‘undesirable’ (technically, I resigned for the good of the service under Section 212)…
finally back in LA I led a hedonistic lifestyle at night.. hell: The Pill had changed everything.. in 1973 I hitchhiked to Banff, Alberta from LA (in early January!!).. then on to Omaha, NE as a roofer.. then to Estes Park, CO where a friend (whose family owned a home within Rocky Mtn NP) let me live.. I drew elk and sold the pix in town.. I was a waiter @ $0.95 per hour plus $35-$40 nightly tips (not too shabby in 2023 dollars).. I also made $$$ shooting pool… I returned to LA, got a job at a lumberyard and partied every night.. but I wasn’t happy.. it was on a magical evening a week after my Mother died when I met this lady -an RN – who saw something in me I was certain I’d lost.. we married a year later, couldn’t save enough money for a down payment (a house in LA purchased for $38K in 1971 was selling for $350K in 1980).. so, instead of staying in LA and getting progressively more depressed, we left and never looked back.. we moved to Redding, CA.. got good jobs.. bought a new house on 1/4 acre 1 mile from city hall for $62,500.. I went to Jr College 4 nights a week, fathered two children, went to Cal State Univ @ Chico.. graduated top of class.. got a job with State of CA as interstate tax auditor/compliance investigator.. we bought a new home on 1/2 acre just 270 yards from city hall.. we raised our family on this forested cul de sac until they too went to college.. they both returned and bought their own homes nearby and we have one granddaughter and another grandchild due in three weeks..
so: why do I sometimes wish I wouldn’t wake up? I think maybe my early years roughed me up, and I believe Neil Young’s song “Needle and the Damage Done” plays a big part in my inner moods (as does my PTSD).. but the reasons I keep going? The reasons I know I won’t give up?
First: it’ll hurt those who care for me and I gave up being selfish when I met my wife, had children, stopped all drinking/drugs (1986)..
Second: my HS football coach knew he was dying and wanted to see me before I left for Vietnam.. he reminded me of the boxing matches I’d had and the times I’d been knocked down but got back up.. he told me “Life is going to knock you down over and over again.. but if you keep getting up you never really lose”
Third: I know with absolute certainty there’s truth in the old saying “when a door closes in your face, another one opens.. you just have to find it”
so.. I keep going.. even as my 72 year old body declines and memories and emotions sometimes seem too difficult to shoulder.. as long as I’m above ground and can see and use my hands I can draw and paint.. and listen to our grandkids laugh as they grow.. the males in my family essentially die from two causes: old age or depression (alcoholism, suicide).. hell.. my paternal great grandfather was born in 1860 and died in 1957… he used to talk about the Civil War years/Reconstruction, the vanishing frontier/transcontinental railroad, Gen A Custer and end of the Native Horse Culture on the Plains, inventions of radio, telephone, aircraft, Spanish American War, World Wars, breaking the sound barrier, Korean War.. he even got to hear Elvis – but issued out on The Beatles..
Before my own Father’s death in 2011 we talked at length about his ‘reasons’ for doing things.. I saw that he considered his own life a failure except for us kids.. and I saw that he was mentally ill.. I forgave him and a great weight was lifted from my heart.. he actually lived to be 89 despite weighing near 300 lbs at 5’8″ and having diabetes.. he never took care of his blood sugar which hovered near 180 at all times and sometimes put him in the hospital..
so I think I’ll stick around and see as much of life as I can, write my life story for kids/grandkids and watch the deer and bear and every doggone animal up here wander about my home (yes.. we have cougars caught on cameras too)…
hang in there NOPE.. every day offers wonders and opportunities.. every day we have choices to make.. you never know when you swing the pickaxe if you’ll strike the Mother Lode…
Allen,
Wow, what an incredible life you have lived, from one extreme of suffering to the other extreme of joy, many times over it sounds like. I’m sorry about all the ways you’ve been hurt.
Thank you so much for sharing your story here. I’m certain that it will help many people!
Wow
Amazing life story!
There is nothing to put in the “hope box.” There are no hopes remaining.
I can relate to this also at this point.
I want to die and disappear help
Alazar, you must be hurting or stressed very badly to feel that way. I hope you’ll call the 988 Crisis and Suicide Lifeline if you’re in the U.S., or use one of the other resources listed here.
Stacy. Please. Called 988 once and I couldn’t understand a damn thing the dude was saying with his thick accent. Try again. Geez.
hey why what happened
I don’t get this unjust world we live in. Reading all these comments, there are many of us that don’t want to and don’t need to be here, yet everyday there are people dying unjustly by random acts of violence or other tragedies. These are people who are hopeful or have great lives ahead of them. Meanwhile, we are hearing everyday about the destruction of our earth. The main culprit is overpopulation. So why is it not ok, for those of us who don’t want to be here, remove our footprint humanely to sustain the earth and let others thrive.
Don’t get me wrong, people should be hopeful and do everything to thrive and live a happy life. But some of us are tired, exhausted and hopeless.
One thing tough for me to understand is that some people on here mention spouses and children, meaning at some point, they had love and great joys in their lives. I think people should cherish that and know that feeling they once had. Maybe look back on fondness for that and hope that maybe they can find that again. Me, on the other had, have never had supportive people in my life. I really don’t get how to go through an entire life without supportive people. I guess I went through the drudgery of everyday life sustaining myself with little joy, actually not caring if my life had ended at any moment. But, now things have been unbearable as I have been in some financial struggles too for the past few years.
checking yourself into a psych hospital around here is like going to prison. Trying to get meds is so hard – they are so busy it takes months. even trying to get therapy is weeks out. I think the system is still failing for those who are trying and keep getting turned down. you need help now not months out.
The system is horrible
There is no help. No one really cares. It’s all bullshit.
Bingo! Life is bullshit. thinking that a spouse loves you is bullshit. what is the purpose of it all other that being treated like garbage all the time?
i hope i dont wake up tomorrow.
Me too
I know how you feel I feel the same. I wake up everyday for the fuck what. It’s nice waking up to loneliness, isolation & depression and missing the good old days when I was younger with nothing to worry about
My thought most of the days. I am just fed up of this life , not for me. Struggle every day and for what to get sick one day and day anyways . I want to go now, don’t want to wait years.
I’m on holiday with my family skiing .. i did not want to come on this holiday .. in fact I don’t want to do anything anymore ???? i have 3 children and am married .. i’m so frustrated with myself because i have become so unfit and i have addiction problems.. my husband is an amazing hardworking man and is so loving towards me .. i just keep pushing him away and think he and the rest of my family will be better off without me ???? i wish i could just snap out of this deep depression but i feel i’m getting worse.. just feel like taking a load of pills now and slitting my wrists but i know that would be selfish as my kids are here and we are here with my sister and her children and if i die how they going to get my body home to the uk ?? I’m sat here in this beautiful log cabin.. whilst the kids are planning to go swimming after they’ve just come back from skiing ????????♀️ what the hell is wrong with me .. this urge is so strong i’m doing my own head in… my sister is amazing and i’m just rubbish at everything i feel like i’ve ruined this holiday for everyone because i keep crying all the time and my best friend is in hospital with decompensated alcoholic liver disease ???? but its not just that .. i feel like a useless waste of a life .. my best friend is dying and doesn’t want to.. but i just don’t want too be here.. had a bit of a conversation with my sister about it the other night but she just doesn’t get it ( which is fair enough ) i feel guilty all the time because of my kids although i do in the long run think they’d be better off without me .. i’m on antidepressants and i do drink too much alcohol which i know doesn’t help ????????♀️ but i’m too fat to ski and have completely lost my nerve so i’ve done hardly anything on this holiday other than cry drink wine and be miserable.. i hate who i have become and I don’t even recognise myself anymore and feel sorry for my family having to put up with my miserable moody fat face .. i hate life .. but I shouldn’t… as I have such a lovely family.. ???????? can’t believe i’m on holiday and feeling as low as i do ??
When did you start feeling like this, Gillian? Can you remember a time when you didn’t feel this hanging over you?
i know just how you feel and other people feel i want to die more then ever right know and i’m still a kid i’m only 11 and i want to die and be done with life and and i do self harm almost ever day i’m at school right know righting this and i’m so tired of school and people but i have tried so hard to keep smileing and being happy ik what it’s like to be a mother i had to take care of my three younger sidling all by my self i do my best to try and stay alive and the next time i wake up i just want to fucking die i hope yall are doing way better then i am
Hayden,
Your comment hurts my heart. You’re so young and already hurt so much. You’re not alone! Please call 988 any time to talk with someone at the Crisis and Suicide Lifeline, or text 741741 for the Crisis Text Line. There are lots of different things — and people — that can help you. ❤️
Beautiful Hayden, you are love personified. You are perfect just the way you are. I love you, and nothing can ever change that.
Hi Hayden, I want you to know that you matter so much to me and to those who have never met you. In your short life you do not deserve to feel like you have to survive or take care of your siblings. You should not have to take care of things that your parents or caregivers are supposed to be taking care of themselves. You should be loved and cared for too.
I care about you and I would like to help. You are not alone even though for you it feels like it.
My name is Oulu and if you feel comfortable you are welcome to email me anytime.
fosters4future@gmail.com
Hayden, I’m so sorry you’ve been going through this hard time. You’re doing so much to take care of yourself and your siblings, I hope you’re able to talk to someone who cares for you and can support you when you feel like you want to die. Just know that even though I don’t know you, I’ve been there and I’m sending you love and energy.
Hayden you are on this earth to be good to yourself and share your goodness with others. God made you for a purpose and no one else will be able to fulfill you Hayden’s purpose. You are unique with a beautiful soul. Sometimes I gets tired and don’t want to wake up. However, I always put one foot in front of the other because I know that only me can fulfill my God given purpose on this earth. I will be praying for you tonight and every day for God to give you the strength to stay with us on this beautiful earth.
Hayden, I know it feels like things will always be the way they are, but please don’t give up. It’s sounds like you’ve been so brave and so strong for so long. You deserve someone to look after you, and care for you, and love you the same way you’ve done for your siblings. I wonder, is there anyone you trust at school? Just one adult maybe you could reach out to? You express yourself well via writing. You could even write a note to a teacher. It’s okay to ask for help! I’m so proud of you for commenting. Keep coming back if you need. You deserve a life worth living. Sending love!
Hayden, you are an amazing, sweet, and brilliant kid that the world not only deserves to have but need you in it. Don’t give up hope that things can be better. I wish I could convince you to stop self-harming but I know I can’t. Just know these things, Hayden.
You are enough
You’re strong
You’re powerful
You’re brilliant
You’re beautiful
And when you are older and come across a young person who may feel like you do right now. You owe them to take their hand and say I know how hard it is right now, but it won’t always be that way. Wishing wonderful days ahead.
Best,
Eric Taylor
Hayden, I understand feeling that way. I’m much older than you are and I struggle with wanting to live, too. So many don’t understand how painful it can be to exist in a world that doesn’t want us to exist, but that’s why we have to find one another and build community together – have each other’s backs. Are you safe at home, or at school? Are there people hurting you? Do you need help?
Some days I feel the same way. Maybe I watch too much cable news (MSNBC). Yes, society is sick. My youngest sister died of breast cancer at age 35. She always told me you have to make your own little safe place in this world. So far, I’ve been able to hang on. Plus, I can’t let the MAGATs win. Suicide is a murder & I’d love to see trump dead & buried. So I’ll stick around and hope it happens soon.
Hayden you are probably an empath or a rainbow child this hits you hard this life on earth you are here for a reason..please hang on and put away these thoughts there is a reason for your life here on our dear Mother Earth maybe you love animals and will help them as they do need help they are voiceless hang on in there you’ll find your purpose and your reason for being here
How come none of your advice is about how to actually die…
Anonymous,
I am committed to helping people with suicidal thoughts find reasons and ways to stay alive — not to helping them end their life!
Sometimes, when life is unbearable, it must be allowed to end. Forcing life on those who do not want life anymore is pretty much the deepest form of disrespect one can give to another.
I wonder… are doctors surprised when people who are forced to endure what they have chosen not to endure become violent? I’m sure they aren’t… just another excuse to shatter a personality with psychoactive pharmaceuticals… all for $19.95 a month!
Sick society.
I’m one of those witty people who always strive to make others laugh. I’m an Atheist, which is sad, because I was raised to believe there was a God, (Someone in charge), and now that I know that is a myth, it’s hard to cope. I can’t stand all the pain in this world, especially towards innocent animals. I lost my beloved dog last year and wanted to die myself. I grieve for her each and everyday. I have a good family but I can’t burden them with my true feelings. Yes, I want to fall asleep and never wake up. I want to be away from all the pain and hatred in this world. My life is quite peaceful at this point and no one knows how I really feel. It’s always been this way for me. I’ve always been alone and I don’t mind it. But its hard to pretend. If you listen to Erik Satie’s Gymnopedie you will see and hear the real ME. I loved the beauty in the world but have always known I was just here for a short time. I would appreciate it being over. We all have our brief time on this earth. I hope I did what I could to help make it better for others, especially animals.
I lost my best friend in 2019 and I cry alot over him too Judith..
It’s me again- Fortunately I went to a doctor and described my depression to her.
She prescribed an anti-depressant I had never tried before and, believe it or not, it is working!! I can’t believe this! I was crying day and night and isolating. So, don’t give up! There is hope out there.
Judith,
Thank you so much for circling back and letting us know things have changed for you! One of my worries about the comments section on this site is that misery is frozen in time, and readers don’t get to see people find hope or healing — unless, like you, the commenter circles back and fills us in. I’m delighted you found relief, and that you told us.
Who knows how many people will be helped by seeing your words?
This is too relatable. I don’t remember ever seriously wanting to kill myself before my cat who was the sun to my world passed due to that wretched kidney failure. Being trapped under an abusive messed up trash family that wants me to stay alive only for them to torture me more, with the core to my world aka my cat being gone, I’m trying the hardest now to protect myself from any more suffering through removing life from myself. Already tried and tragically they found and kept me alive. This time I’ll have to use more gruesome sudden-death kinda methods sadly to go since they removed any medications I had access to so that I wouldn’t be able to overdose again. And it’s not fair. Due to my messed up family being horrible beings, I have to go through the pain of killing myself … . I’m an animal rights activist too and honestly wanting with all my cells to help and save all animals and failing to even be able to do more trivial stuff for only a few of them makes me feel worthless and it agonizes me more so if I can’t help them like how I want to, I’d rather drop dead than to watch the most innocent living souls on this planet suffer due to animal abuser’s revolting lil diseased heads and the majority of the people that are still in their hallucinations that animals are human food!
Hopefully…,
I’m sorry about the loss of your beloved cat. I’m an avowed cat lady with multiple cats, so I understand the fierce bond we form with them. Our cats are family.
I hope you make it through this alive and things will get better for you soon. You’re obviously sensitive to the enormous pain in this world. There’s incredible goodness, too, though sometimes it’s impossible to see in the darkness.
Are you getting help already? If so, I hope it really does help. And you can always talk with someone for free by phone, chat, email, or text at one of the resources I list here.
Thanks for sharing here!
Cannibalism is always an option. I know a few people you can start with.
People make other people want to be dead. Encouraging suicide, death threats, manipulation, harrassment, attempted murder, blocking you from living YOUR life the way YOU want to, defrauding you, stealing from you, abusing you consistently, intimidating you, lying about you, blackmailing you, bribing you, setting you up for failure, torturing you, physically abusing you, sexually abusing you, mentally abusing you, psychologically abusing you, spiritually abusing you, slandering you, lying to you. People make people want to die!!! And in my experience therapists are often responsible for making you want to die.
Margaret
I’m here like many of us… we are struggling. We need help, we need to be heard
I don’t know what specifically is going on but I would like to share something I’ve learned thru abusive relationships.. WE give them the power.
Margaret,
That’s terribly sad if a therapist is responsible for making you or someone you know want to die. And of course all the other ways people hurt people are awful, too; I’m particularly disturbed when I hear of “helping professionals” doing harm.
As for those other ways, it’s true suicidal thoughts often don’t arise from mental illness but from injustices: cruelty, abuse, poverty, etc. Your comment captures that truth very powerfully. Thanks for sharing here!
I was moving from passively suicidal to planning and preparation when I finally found someone willing to help. They gave me a glimmer of hope, enough to delay action until I see if they actually help or not and whether it’s too little too late. I had to leave to pick up my kid from school and the dr wouldn’t let me leave until I signed a “no suicide contract.” I actually laughed bc it was so absurd. They actually think a piece of paper is going to stop someone who has decided there’s no way out and no hope? SMH they are just covering their asses so they can’t be sued if something happens.
Rachel, I agree with you, doctors can be a cynical bunch. At the end of the day, it is your life in question. Do you want to live or not ? This is the struggle that many of us have. Take good care, God bless.
What if there’s no one who will listen that can change the fuk shit life you have,?
Wend,
You can always talk with someone for free by calling 988 or using one of the other resources I list here. I realize they might not be able to change your life, but sometimes talking it out can help you make changes.
Thanks for sharing here.
That was beautiful and really helpful thank you
Ryan,
I’m grateful it was helpful to you. Thanks so much for letting me know.
My son died, my sister died, and my daughter won’t speak to me. I’ve been extremely sad, crying, wanna sleep and not have to wake up to my horrible useless life. I live alone and home 24 hours a day, 365 days a year. No husband, no friends, nothing to live for
Kathy,
Your circumstances sound terribly painful. Are you getting help? Different kinds of help are available. Please call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988 for help 24/7, or check out the Resources page for other places to get free help by phone, text, chat, or email. Thanks for sharing here!
Same boat, wife dead, kids never contact, COPD and living alone. If I only had a gun!
Kathy
I’m here, I’ll be a friend.
No judgement. Honestly I’m here for similar reasons… I’m struggling life is hard.
I’m fighting hard to get out of my head and I would love if we could talk….
I don’t have the answers but maybe together we can find a way
❣️
Thank you for your article.
If I have anything to add it would be the progressive nature that can exist for some people due to a mental impairment that have been not diagnosed or diagnosed too late in life to effectively be of benefit. A life spent wanting to be like other people. To be able to do what they are able to do. Fighting like hell to prove your as good, smart, capable and worthy as others only to face, time and again, that your not. The effects are cumulative. You get older,weaker, more tired, and your looking back at a life where your best was never enough no matter how hard you pushed yourself.
You come to realize that that time of rest and peace isn’t ever going to be your reality. You never had the ability to prevail and never will. With age and the decline in health you have reached the point that whatever hope you held onto is absolutely gone and all that is left is an ever increasingly pathetic fight for survival and the loss of the last remnants dignity you might still possess.
Thank you for letting me share. It helps. My pity pool is vast and I’m quite the swimmer Lol.
I would like to close with a question.
Under these circumstances is it too much to ask that, after a life such as this, to be able to choose to the time and manner of your death?
Ed,
You describe powerfully the ways that loss, pain, and illness can accumulate and wear down a person’s desire to live. I’m sorry you are in that painful place. I’m impressed, too, that in the midst of your painful words you made a joke. Comic relief — and also a great coping skill.
As to your question, you are not alone in asking. Many people advocate for the right to “rational suicide” — the ability to die, without intervention and perhaps even with assistance, when suffering makes life unbearable. A book that might interest you is Rational Suicide, Irrational Laws: Examining Current Approaches to Suicide in Policy and Law, by Susan Stefan. It’s extremely expensive, but your local library should be able to obtain it for you if you’re interested.
Thanks for sharing here!
I am to the point whee I do not believe my life will improve a single iota. I am tired of waking every day and living in the same hopeless situation. I want to help people in my absence and would like to be put under and all my organs donated. The destruction of my organs that could change someones life is what has kept me from just blowing my head off or ingesting poison.
Robert,
How painful, to find no value in your life unless you are dead. I hope things have gotten better for you. Thank you for sharing here.
WHERE TO GO TO GET HELP TO DIE. SUICIDE HOT LINES WILL NOT HELP YOU.
HUMANS HAVE NO COMMPASSION FOR PEOPLE THAT SUFFER
Anonymous,
I’m sorry that suicide hotlines haven’t helped you. I hope you’ll try again. There are so many different counselors that the next one may help.
A lot of people have bad views on hotlines, yet they do help many people. You can learn more from this blog post: Why Do Suicide Hotlines Get So Much Hate?
Thanks for sharing here!
Why would someone that wants to die, Call a suicide hot line. that will try to stop you from dying.
this is A OXYMORON
.
THERE SHOULD BE A COMMPASSONATE PLACE TO HELP YOU DIE
Amen
Exactly! Why is it illegal of I want to end my own life. It’s mine to do with how I please, and let’s face it, the only thing we really can control
Anonymous,
I hear you, calling a hotline when you want to die is kind of like asking a car salesman to talk you out of buying a car. The reality is, though, that many people who want to die also want to live. Ambivalence is more the norm than the exception. I hope you’ve experienced some ambivalence yourself and no longer are hurting as much as you were when you left this comment.
Thanks for sharing here!
I wish I was never born!
CML, your words would be shared by many of us… but now that we are stuck here, what do we do about it ? Please take care…
I found this site. Very sad for all. I am married 3 kids. Christian. But, so many times I pray that I would not wake up. My mother passed and she was rock. Now I do not have a relationship with anyone outside of my immediate family. My Dad is still around, but, never really had a ‘real’ relationship. My homelife is chaotic. High stress home life. Not how I want to live. No way i could do suicide. But, if I died overnight that would be great. But, I pray for everyone on this site that they find joy and purpose. I believe Christ can heal all, but, geez what is taking so long!!!
Thank you so much for sharing. I am so sorry for your pain. I identify with your post. It’s a great comfort to know we aren’t alone.????❤️ PS I am one of those for whom therapy is out of reach. Thank you.
I have severe sciatica and am in so much pain.just recovering from kidney cancer and severe stenosis
I cant get ???? relief. My boyfriend is not empathic at all.he just tells me he wants me to leave.this started last July and I cant walk without a lot of pain.im very tired and want to go to sleep. I wish I could just not wake up
I have wanted to die since I was 10. I’m 74 now and still want to die. Why is God such an asshole.
I feel your pain. And I do not understand why we endure the hardship we do. Unfortunately, i believe that God is perfect and for whatever reason Satan is behind all the issues going on. I will be praying for both of us.
I hate being alive it hurts to much.
What if I don’t want help? What if i just want to die?
I guess it your choice on what to do. It is your life. But if you feel any feeling towards your family or friends you should leave a note on why.
answer me
Anonymous,
Wanting to die is a symptom of a major problem, whether that problem is mental illness, physical pain, unbearable life circumstances, or something else that feels intolerable. I hope you will get help for both the symptom and the problem. It’s not surprising that you may not want to get help; hopelessness is also a symptom. But I hope you’ll try. You can always call 988 or check out the Resources page for more places to get help by phone, text, chat, or email.
Me too! so sick of being ignored by family. Health got bad so not able to help them so “kicked to the curb”
Yes I hurt to
There should the right to die
God made us with free
Choise
In the best case scenario, I will have to have myself killed.
It doesn’t only apply to pet cats.
My parents should never have had kids. They didn’t want kids; it was just what catholic people did in the 1950s. I’ve spent a lifetime trying to overcome who I was/am.
I’m tired. I don’t have enough money to buy happiness. I’m not interested in relationships. I’ve been in therapy for over a quarter century. My therapists all know where I stand on this.
Two of my siblings attempted. Both failed. But they’re dead now anyway.
They are lucky. My father is almost 100. I think it’s his goal to see us all dead.
Yeah, yeah. At least I wasn’t born in Siberia.
Whatever.
I hear ya. I’m on what feels like the 100th therapist, I’ve taken the meds, “at least I’m not (fill in horrible blank here), and I just can’t take it anymore.
My parents shouldn’t have had kids either. Ever single day feels like f’ing internal warfare. NOTHING I do helps or stops the pain. I do EVERY coping skill, journal, exercise, eat healthy, forced socialization, meditate. But every damn day I am in constant battle with myself.
Whats wrong with choosing to not live in horrible pain anymore when their is no other solution.
Emily,
I wish the very best for you. I don’t think money can buy happiness. I have extra money and still have these difficult feelings.
My head is buzzing
The lights are bright.
Must be my demons in the night.
My life is great.
No it’s not
Always fighting with this thought ????.
Help me please, I scream at the night.
Nobody hears me, I try with all my might
No matter how hard I scream.
Is all this madness just a dream?
I take a look at my life , and think of my sons,
I’m sorry boys’ I wasn’t very fun.
My life has always been this huge mess.
I like too look back and think of life at it’s best
But the darkness fills my heart at its best
Went from schizophrenia to a total mental breakdown. The medication my psychiatrist prescribed isn’t helping. Instead of increasing it or changing it he just says be patient. I have a blank brain and am incapable of living the life I had before. My husband wants me to be hopeful. I want my life to end!
My wife of twenty years died just a week ago. She was everything to me. I feel such an overwhelming sense of loss and a fear of what’s to come for me that I’m not sure I can go on. The only thing I half look forward to is going to sleep at night so I can forget my pain for a while. I take pills to try and sleep longer, but after nine or ten hours I can’t sleep anymore. I want to sleep forever and not wake up as I just can’t imagine life alone.
Thomas
Find a trusted friend/s and talk about this. It will not get any better if you isolate yourself. Others can help your verbal pain release even if they just listen and be there for you. You are not alone. There are people around you suffering the same trauma as you. John
Yes what John said. Grieving is so difficult but if can find a bereavement group it’s very helpful. It’s a tough journey, with waves hitting you when you least expect it. (Seeing an item in the grocery store that you always bought for them only)
I was told to allow the sorrow in, light a candle, cry, curse, hit things, whatever works.
You can’t go over or under grief is what I was told at the group, you must go “through” it.
Please don’t isolate. Accept all invitations.
Some will not understand when you leave early…that’s okay. Some will not even understand why you are still grieving, and not over it yet.
Yuk had so miserable things said to me that it was a lesson in what not to say-ever- to a grieving person.
Hang on tight, it’s a rough ride but the pain does ease in time. and I learned to have fun again
I lost my husband a little while back and I know how u feel.. but I also have 4 children that dont really want to have anything to do with me .. they say im old and they dont want to ever have me move in with them because they have families and busy lives.. kids etc.. and well im fine to be a grandma but since my heart attack and surgery they see me as being a burden that they would rather not have.. so yeah im in your same boat.. I guess.. I just want to die so that im not labeled a burden and they can just toss out my belongings from my little apartment and scatter my ashes some where and be done with their mom .. it all has been coming to a head since I have to leave my apartment due to inflation and they dont want me which is fine
I understand and dying is all I think I can do .. thereby going out on my terms
Dear Kim,
Reading your comment was extremely distressing for me, and I can’t imagine what you are going through or how you are feeling. I wish no one ever had to endure what is happening to you.
Losing a loved one is undoubtedly difficult, but losing your whole family in the way you have is even more devastating.
The few things you have shared here reminded me of a movie called “Requiem for a Dream” that I recently watched. It depicted a woman in her 70s or 80s living alone in an apartment building with people her age. She had one son, but he took advantage of her, only coming to see her when he needed money. This movie made me realize how backward our culture is if we are taught to leave behind our parents and other family members just to start “a life of our own.”
I’m writing this to let you know that you are not alone, and someone out there loves you and wants you to be happy, even if they don’t know how to express that.
-Connor
I am not happy don’t want to be here anymore
I am the primary caregiver for my wife. In January 2021 she was diagnosed with AML leukemia, went through a bone marrow transplant and along the way got terrible peripheral nephropathy in both legs and feet. She is always in pain. It is like being on a battlefield and watching a wounded soldier in agony but you can do nothing. I cook, I clean, I do it all. She takes opiods for the pain and it makes her sleepy. You ask if I think of not waking up? Tonight I sit here alone, again, and want to turn the gas stove on without a flame.
If I lived in a place like Alaska I’d go for a long walk until I get tired, sit down and go to sleep. In the cold of night, it would be over. I just can’t watch this any more. At 70 years old I am ready.
I have end stage liver disease , decompinsated , portal hypertension , gastric verasies , chronic pancreatitis , swollen spleen , PTSD , anxiety and panic attacks ,depression , malnutrition , insomnia with not relief in sight . Medically neglected since 2011 and just tired of it all . Just want to die in my sleep and stop the suffering rightfully so . People say why but they’d know if it were them .
There is no help with my situation as in a therapist or medication it boils down to one thing called dealing with a malicious mother of our kids getting away with lie after lie in the court. It’s been over 700 days since I seen my kids Because their mom wants me to vanish. So everyday I go to sleep and pray to never wake.
That’s heartbreaking. Feeling the same as you but seeing someone else feeling that way is a shock. I haven’t seen my son in four years in very similar circumstances. The hurt has been unbearable. I hope you have the strength to keep going for your children and to know things can and do get better no matter how impossible they seem.
Felt this passive suicide most of the last 50years,I see mental health pro regularly,it just doesn’t go away,I have at least half of the reasons/causes you listed,it’s getting worse all the time
I wonder as I read the comments do we all have something in common. For me it’s that I’ve never stood up for ME. Let others ridicule or negate my feeling or words. I always back down. Is it a lack of self worth that makes us feel this way?
Idk . Just wondering what is or if there is a common denominator that makes us feel this way. Depression is real. Our Brain controls us…but not many will agree that the brain can go wonky and fuck you up.
I’m 59,have been thru 3 marriages.Have been physically abused and mentally by my own .Now my trucks tore up,I’ve lost my job,have to live with my family that’s toxic .I am caretaker for mom .I’d do anything for her and have for years .She and the kids treat me like no others in their life .I can’t or don’t know my grandkids or my great grand child .Everyday I cry from all the hurt and mom just pushed me away .It’s all really taking its toll on me .My husband left me in the middle of all this with a man .Between that and all I’ve lived in ,I Pray everyday for God to take me out of this life .I’m miserable ,and hurt for the most .I raised my kids alone and get no respect from them at all .Life isn’t suppose to be this way .Their Dad wasn’t around but oh he’s the best .I don’t think I was meant to be loved .I can’t take much more on this Earth .I just want out and have no way .As I read these stories I know I’m not alone in my feelings of wanting to go to sleep and never waking up .My Love is unconditional but Idk how much more longer I can do this ,Thanks for letting me vent .
I don’t understand why people think if u want to kill urself talk about it. Ever heard a person about to kill themselves say man…I’d really like a conversation with someone about suicide right now. I just wanna die in my sleep I pray for it every night…and it’s not something I wanna have a chat about.
I agree. I wish I would die every day n now more n more thru the day. I can’t ever attempt to harm myself but these are my thoughts n I’m not talking bout them so I can put forced into a therapy treatment whatever it’s my choice
true
You’re crazier than I am. Why does everyone try to be a hero and “save” the suffering individual. Some of us will never get better and “take a walk” it’s bull. Are you going to release me from poverty? That would help.
That is the problem in a nutshell. Not everyone has the ability to reach out to someone and get help. Many are stuck in the cycle of poverty and no means to extricate ourselves from it. Who wants to live in a financial straight jacket with zero opportunities? I will add on to this that I was responsible for billion dollar equipment in the military and now there is nothing for me. Depression has devastated my life since getting out and now that I have begun to get help and somewhat able to function in society too much time has gotten behind me. You get the never ending questions of what have you been doing all this time but the fact is nobody wants an honest answer to that question. It scares people off. So here I sit with no chance of my life changing. The dream of having a wife and kids playing in the yard to come home to is not even in reach. It is game over and I want off the playing field.
I like to add, that no one leaves this planet. We just get recycled. My second wife died, and she came back as a bundle bee. Ye.s I have encountered her, many times in the past. I have heard and read stories about a loved one returning back as some creature. Death is end of one life and the beginning of another life, be it a bee, owl, rock, tree or hurricane. We are just recycled. Sorry to tell you, there is no heaven or hell; just made up by organized religion. The only thing I can’t say for certain is, IF we commit suicide, does it count against us, on how we get recycled? IF I knew, I’d be dead already. For now, on with the fight…
Closer to 72 years of age, I was told I need a triple bypass. Just when I started peeing bubbles in the toilet.(kidney problem) A diabetic for 23 years, it all is finally catching up with me. So, the question is simple: Do I want a new heart, pumping away, as my body starts to falls apart? NO!!!
So, what to do? Find a happy middle? Sure the Doctors want the money and experience, even IF I die on the operating table or an average of 3 months of life after the operation. OR.I can choose to do nothing, and just get a heart attack and die naturally. The only problem is I have a personal project, STOP SENIOR ABUSE BY HOSPITALS in AMERICA. I believe I can put a stop to hospital abuse of seniors. Just my condition makes it hard to do any thing. So, do I give up or go on fighting? I am not sure. How sad.
At this point I am not a quitter. Maybe later in the future,,,,
im so tired of being tired that i just want to go to sleep and never wake up
Join the club! Got COPD and am 75 and last 2-3 yrs can’t do crap. Had to stop riding motor cycles, working in my shop, making knives (Forged in Fire) and building/sell forges.
I understand you…my dreams even tell me…
there is nothing wrong with suicide. those who are able to finish the job are the bravest souls because I know Im too cowardly to do it but they arent and I pray one day ill have the strength to leave this miserable world
me too
I’m with you on your feelings 100%. I am in the same boat.
Maybe we need the old hippy communes that were the thing years ago.
Come to Canada next spring, maybe even now and MAiD (Medical Assistance in Dying) will off you.
Yep it’s happened , the past 2 years, already for those mentally ill, living in poverty, disabled and so on. I understand that we are tops in the world for offing those in poverty and the mentally ill!!!
Won’t increase money for Mental Health but will off you. Oh and they will ask you to sign off on organ donations. Apparently it’s quite the deal, all around
f’n sickening.
I wish i could be as strong .. It does take a strong person to actually go through with death.
You want people to be unaffected by the world situation? To get up every day thinking about nuclear war, go to work, go to their activist meetings, believe we make a difference, maybe drop in to the local climate change club. Hey will have a party.
I’m sorry that I hate these preachy-toned folks who expect healthy human beings never to feel this way. More and more we pathologize normal reactions to a very stressful and disturbing world.
This article as much as says that the issue hasn’t been researched. So much of psychology is based on poor research. In fact, look it up. Look up “replication crisis in psychology”.
Bill,
With respect, I think you might have read into this article messages that I didn’t actually write. I’m not saying people should be oblivious to the world’s problems or to their own pain. What I am saying: if someone wants to die, something’s happening in their life that is causing them pain, despair, or other distress, and I hope they will get help or practice good self-care (or both!)
Bill, I hear and agree with you on that this world is a mess, going towards its own destruction. It ought to be apparent that this is from our own destructive, evil seeds inside all of us. It sounds so harsh, but is it not the truth really? The peachy-toned ones are the majority, the rest albeit aware, can do little to reverse this decadent direction. The consequences are enormous. Many of us have lost our loved ones during this time, together with non-human living beings dying off, and deliberate planet environment alteration by the power be. It is natural that those sensitive ones who may be more aware of current state of our world become deeply saddened, depressed and distraught. Perhaps this is all intentional by some, to destroy our spirits and souls. What would be the purpose behind this? Why all the natural born ones must now be obsolete if not modified as current societal trend seems to be dictating ? I am sorry that my post may not be useful in reducing our sorrow, perhaps though it may give us some insights into the source of our suffering. May God bless us all and I will continue praying for all of us, the suffering ones.
AGREED!
The feelings of wanting to die in my sleep are getting stronger day by day. I am heading towards 60 years old, so I have lived. I’ve always felt as though I don’t fit in, I don’t belong here. I’ve never had any ambition, no interest in learning anything. My views on life are so different to anyone that I have spoken to. Always lived a very basic life, but one step forwards and two steps back constantly. Depression comes and goes and I feel as though I am just living for the sake of living. I’ve tried so heard to find a purpose to my life, but to no avail. It’s such a lonely life in a very cruel world. People just don’t understand me, they expect me to be the same as everyone else. I am different, not better or worse, just different. I wake up every morning angry that I didn’t die in my sleep.
I know how you feel. Your story sounds just like me. I’m always Lonely, Bitter, Angry etc. I wish I was never Born.
Kev,
Thanks for sharing here. This sounds so painful. And tiring. And joyless. Are you getting any help? I hope you’ll try, if not; I imagine you’ve gotten help in the past, if not now, but I can’t know. I hope things get better for you soon, in any case.
Hi Stacey, yes I have had lots of counselling and talking therapies. The problem I have is that most of these “therapies” have a “one size fits all” kind of response. But not everyone is the same and that’s why, I think, none of them have really helped me.
Depression can manifest from undiagnosed autism and adhd (the latter being treatable with medication) have a look at online tests see if it fits. Depression is usually a symptom and the root needs to be addressed otherwise you cannot heal . I was diagnosed mid thirties and the correct medication can help
I have these issues and I have been trying my whole life to get help but I have no one and no money because I have been struggling just to make it and it’s too much I am drowning begging anyone to help and no one cares so I think it would be better to just end it all. I never should have been born in the first place. The only thing that’s been keeping me here is my kids but I’m no good for them like this. I can’t do this anymore.
Every word resonates. Somebody actually feels the same way that I do.
How I wish 2 sleep and not wake up forever
Nwachukwu,
Things must be very hard or painful or even dull for you to have those feelings. I hope you’ll get help! Please check out the Resources page for places you can call, text, chat, or email.
Everyone talks to get help, but no one really helps.
Edgar,
Your comment, though brief, is long on feelings of hopelessness. I can understand it seems to you that no one really helps, and it’s sad if you haven’t encountered anybody who does. That’s painful. I also hope you’ll challenge those thoughts a bit. While the feeling of hopelessness is painful, it’s just that — a feeling. The fact is there almost certainly are people who can help, even if they’re hard to find sometimes. I hope you’ll try! Please check out the Resources page for places you can call, text, chat, or email.
Exactly. Talking only does so much. No one who can actually help cares. The more I try to get help the more I think I should just end it because if my life is going to be like this no matter what I do then I don’t want to be here.
I have wished for a long time I would fall asleep and never wake up ever again. I have endured a lot in my life abuse , auto accidents due to the negligence of others. I am in physical pain everyday mental problems that have caused me to never know what I will wake up too. I have problems dealing with people because I feel there is a double standard people can dish it out but can’t take it . I think everyone is in the Can’t Understand Normal Thinking Squad
Patrick,
You convey powerfully the pain and despair you experience. Please check out the Resources page for places you can call, text, chat, or email.
I’m sure death would be better than this miserable life.
Sadly, I agree with you Ray. I’ve been dreaming more about family who have passed and I yearn to be with them. I wish neither of us felt this way.
Feel the same, Melissa, I have no one left.
Yes, I sometimes think and feel the same way. The loved ones that have passed I felt the most love and acceptance from. My adult children take me for granted.
I want to die in my sleep. I dont want to wake up to face anyone. I am just miserable person. No use. Useless. My parents use to have so much confidence in me, my brother, my sister. I had so much potential but I wasted everything. Disappointed everyone at every phase of life. Never been ideal person that everyone out there deserves. I feel miserable. More over after she is gone. I am done. Failed at every stage of life. Everything. Just want to die and never open my eyes. I dont even have any guts to commit something. Just thinking about dying everyday. I am just miserable. Hope this sleep comes soon as possible. I hope everyone will be in a much better place after that. I can’t stand anything now. I feel like a pain to others.
Hello Pri,
I’m certain you aren’t useless and I don’t think your parents would think you are useless either. I’m probably not the best person to be trying to help you, I think little of myself but I see potential and worth in other people!
No one gives us instructions on how to live, we figure it out on our own which is so hard. I really feel for you and felt I needed to say you aren’t alone in feeling that way. I’m trying to send some positive energy your way and hope that things begin to look brighter for you and all of us.
Hi Melissa.
It is getting difficult day by day. I feel like a failure and I don’t even have enough in me now that I want to try anymore. I get irritated when people are around me and feel helpless when they are not. I hope everyone out there gets out of all the trouble they are facing mentally. And try harder. Thank you, you gave me an extra breath.
And I miss her so much.
????
I feel exactly the same as you do. It was like reading about my life. There’s comfort in at least knowing I’m not alone in feeling this way.
I had emergency surgery a couple of months ago.
When they wheeled me in to OR
And administered the general anesthesia I went to sleep immediately.
I can honestly say that the black nothingness, the silence and no consciousness was exceptionally
Great.
It must be what death is like.
To not be aware of anything
To be free from everything.
I think death would be okay.
I’ve Recently over the past 2 years had medical procedures where I was put under anesthesia . I think it is like when you die. You don’t dream or know anything. I got to the point where when I was going to have another procedure where they were going to knock me out , I would look forward to it. If you suffer from depression and just want to end your life that would be a nice way to go. I know this could never happen , it was just a thought.
I’ve decided that, for right or wrong, that I’ve had enough of this life. The steep descent into insanity started in mid 2018 when I saw footage of the way animals (pigs) were treated while being prepared for slaughter. Some of the stuff I saw was beyond horrendous
Then between 2020 and now I struggled with intermittent dizzy spells and deteriorating hearing, distorted hearing now in both ears at high pitches and some slight loss of low pitch too. It’s the high pitched sounds that bother me the most. Music has almost been ruined because it sounds pretty awful as it is. This new and worsening distortion started soon after my booster shot I got in February 2022. Previously I also had nasty bouts of tinnitus (along with sudden partial hearing los which recovered quickly), the tinnitus attacks which had they not partially resolved would have rendered me a complete insomniac and I would have been well dead by now as there’s no chance I would handle that with the brain damage, due to some oxygen starvation, that I already struggle with since the day I was born.
I am waiting until end of March 2024 before I go. I have set it up with everything taken care of – my will my stuff and everything connected to me will be finalised and bills paid out and services cancelled.
I don’t really want to die but going on like this with all the trauma in my past and the stuff that I have to deal with is enough to put me over the edge. Even my closest support worker who I have worked with for 2 and a half years told me just last week that she didn’t she would have been able to cope with what I am dealing with.
My whole life is just nothing more than a world of hurt and I want out. I am only holding on because of my dear nan. I don’t think she will outlive me because she is such a tough old girl and has been through a pretty rough life herself having endured the Great Depression, losing her father and her brothers. It’s been a hard life for everyone I know but still, this what I am living with now is just a nightmare that I wish would end so I could go back to how I was in 2018. I didn’t feel too great back then but boy do I feel so, so, so much worse now.
I feel I have nowhere to turn to. Everyone tells me to see a psychiatrist but all they wanted to do in the past is “zombify” with antipsychotics which are way worse than the stuff I am on now. I can either be an emotional wreck or I can be a zombie. Apparently there’s no third choice here so I guess I can’t have peace. As far as I’m concerned, that is.
Since mid 2018 I know one thing is true and I knew it ever since – I will never be happy again.
I’m only 16 but I do wish I could pass away in my sleep. It seems there’s really nothing you can do without graduating high school. I just think about how I have to know all this random stuff, and it gets on my nerves. I searched for how can I sleep forever and I came across this. I am far too lazy and I don’t think my weak state of mind is ready to go in the society, I simply don’t want to contribute to it. I realize I never felt such worry when I sleep. I’m just wishing I could close my eyes and go to bed forever
Ashyknees,
How painful to feel so hopeless about your life and yourself. Are you getting any help? Your negative thoughts about yourself and life aren’t truth; they’re a symptom of a problem. Please consider confiding in someone you trust or calling the national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988, or texting the Crisis Text Line at 741741, or using one of the other resources listed here.
Thanks for sharing here! I hope you feel better about yourself and life soon. It’s natural to be scared on the cusp of adulthood, especially if you don’t feel good about yourself or school. But it doesn’t have to hurt this much.
I am 22 and was your age when I thought the same…I still think the same and still very hurt by all of life…I am holding on with everything in mt to Jesus because…everything seen has left me, the last thing I want is for the unseen to leave me. I love Him but I see no worth in myself. Everyday my boyfriend puts me lower, just the other night he put his hands on me because I couldn’t for the life of me understand where i had gone so wrong that he had to look at other women and get text messages from them…He got mad..I have a lot to live for much like you…but feel myself wanting to sleep away into sleep every night before I go to sleep…
I’ve just now gotten to the stage described where I wake up in the early hours of the morning and just want to be asleep again. I failed to make the probation period on a government job I got after about six months of searching after a layoff at a previous job that I used to love and had for 5 years.
When I look at pictures of myself from before 2020 it looks like a completely different person. I was fit and was the kind of person that would go on 70 mile bike rides on nice days. I didn’t own a car and walked pretty much everywhere and I was always in motion. I loved my job and I was rising through the ranks. I turned 30 in 2019 and after having lots of fits and starts in my twenties I was really looking forward to this period of my life, with my relationship, travel, interesting work, and so on.
Every time in my life I’ve gotten ahead to a place of pride and joy in my life something kicks me off the ladder and then the way I had been living feels like it was just a dream I had one night. At the beginning of the pandemic I was in pretty good spirits until winter 2020-21 and then my girlfriend and I finally confronted we were only together because we couldn’t see anyone else during lockdown and we broke up. That winter was insanely stressful at my job. I put on 15 pounds and literally didn’t touch another human being for 4 1/2 months. I’m the most introverted person around, but it was still hell. Something died in me that year. Work started drying up and I got laid off.
So I’ve spent basically two years like this. I wonder where it all went wrong. I’d like to blame others – in particular, my “mentors” in undergrad and grad school were clueless about the realities of the new economy and didn’t know their asses from their elbows, as it turns out – but the common thread in this is all me. There’s something about me that’s feckless and incompetent and I don’t think I understand how to get a happy and stable life.
This is eating me alive. This is all I think about 90% of the day. I just broke out into tears typing this. I used to enjoy things like sports and science fiction and video games and other things that are diverting and imaginative and whimsical but now I feel I don’t deserve them or any pleasure or happiness in general really. I was given everything and returned shit. I have a loving family and great friends and they can’t see how worthless I feel. Every day used to feel like a triumph and a win and a new step towards a great life but now it feels like the days are like water slipping through my fingers that I can’t cup. I’ve been depressed before – this is something else. I miss everything about the old days.
Just a guy,
What you describe sounds so lonely, painful, and dispiriting. Especially in the context of the pandemic, I can only imagine how isolated you’ve felt, and how those feelings would contribute to your feeling worthless. I wonder, are you getting help? I worry you might feel hopeless about getting help, or feel you don’t deserve to feel better, or something similar. I hope you’ll try, anyway. As I just wrote on another comment, as painful as life can be, it doesn’t have to hurt this much. There are different things to try, and I hope you will. Remember, it’s a cliché but it’s also true: Don’t believe everything you think.
Thanks for sharing here. You’ll probably never know it, but you’ve helped other people out there feel less alone.
I understand how you feel. I am there too.
37 years old and failing in life.
Every time something “good” happens, bad things occur – and I mean “BAD” things.
– get into University straight after graduating… my best friend ends her life.
– find someone who actually loves me….. and my parents split up and both attempt suicide on Xmas eve.
– buy my first home with the one who loves me…. get bullied at work by management.
– admit and share with work that I have high functioning anxiety and depression, the bullying stops….. the person who loves me and who I love, no longer loves me any more.
Like you, the only constant factor in all this is me. I am the problem.
Every. Single Day.
It is 2023 and I am 58 years old. In 1987 at 22 years of age I became injured and have lived in unremitting physical pain every single day since then – for the last 36 years.
That’s a long time. Those of you who were around back then, think of the world at that time. Reagan was President. The Cold War was still on. Chernobyl and the Challenger explosion had happened the year before. Now think of everything that has transpired in the world between then and now. That entire time, I was in pain. Sometimes quietly suffering, other times screaming in agony. But in pain the whole time.
At some point the physical pain turned into mental pain. Fear, anxiety, depression and hopelessness. I have now suffered longer than I was free from it. In fact, I no longer remember much at this point what it was like not to suffer.
I have tried every avenue to try to alleviate this pain. Nothing has worked and I’m now at the end. I have no more ideas to try. No new doctors to see. No miracle drugs are on the horizon.
I just don’t see any reason to want to go on with this shade of a life. I know people love me and want me to keep going on, but they ask too much.
I don’t want to actively kill myself but I am ready to die. I hate what the world has become but I have no power to change it. My mom is 86, she’s failing and declining. I don’t want to be 86.
I’m 60 and I don’t care what happens. That’s part of why I don’t quit smoking. Maybe cancer will take me. I’d rather die too young than live too long. I don’t want to be in this sick, messed-up, degenerate world anymore. There’s no place for me here.
Suicide by smoking isn’t too bad. At least smoking is pleasurable and helps alleviate my stress.
Shouldbeen, I hear you. I am very close to your age group, the state if our world has been so disappointing, and yes, it is drowned in its decadence and evil doings. Never thought I would say that ever, I think if anyone has any conscience, we would know that there has been something very bad planned and being executed globally in the disguise of otherwise good social concerns. Since this is really not very helpful for us to delve deep into how bad our societal state here. Like you, I also find it unbearable to be here any longer. Because, I no longer have the spirit to keep going. Though I would like to kindly ask you if you have someone who loves you dearly, i.e. your mate, children? If so, they need your love and support. Loosing a loved one can be really traumatizing for them. They may never recover. Please if you can still have an ounce of energy, a slice of hope, love someone, give some love. I also pray for you now that you also receive the love you need, from God, someone and other beings. Lu P.S. It is much better to take a quicker route than dying of lung cancer – one cannot breath….
I hate life , I have nothing to look forward to except disappointment. Both parents dead , I have the house they left but for how long. Can’t pay taxes or bills due to a condition that makes my lower legs have huge wounds on them. Venous ulcers. Extremely painful. I can’t stand for more than a few minutes. In alot of pain all the time. Disability will not pay me because they don’t deem my condition as a disability. I can’t provide even though I want to. Im an ex multiple time felon, and an addict. I look forward to nothing anymore. I lay in bed and have difficulties in even getting up to use the bathroom due to my pain. I pee in bottles so I dont have to stand. But I’m not disabled, yeah right. Im so close to just saying screw it and killing myself. Trying to talk myself out of it but I see no reason why. My water got shut off with no way to pay it. Just waiting for the electricity to go next. No one helps a man with things but women have countless opportunities and programs available to help out. I am looking to see if someone can honestly say to me that it would be better to not kill myself. Not cookie cutter responses but honest reasons that it would be better to not do it. I truly have no hopes that i can see. Can someone make me see any reason as to not do it. I am listening. I just won’t hold my breath. At my end I feel. No happiness, no sadness , just no reasons left.
woman here. we can all apply for programs. I wish I can find a rich guy to care for me, but all I attract are broken, broke men. I’ve spent my entire adult life trying to prove my mother wrong, and it got me nowhere. as scummy as she is allowing her husband to rape and beat me up, she was right. I cannot tell you it’s better not to die, as I want to go to sleep, drugged up, and never wake up. I feel so good at night, drugged up enough to sleep, but then I wake up and it all comes crashing down and it’s torture to live another day. I wish I had the guts to end it myself. but I’m too much of a coward, I guess. I’m all alone, family has turned their back on me to live their happy lives, no real friends either, so I don’t know what to tell anyone.
Kay bee,
The trauma you’ve been through is terrible. I’m wondering if you’ve gotten help, or are getting help now? If not, I hope you’ll consider it. You could start with calling 988 to reach the national Suicide and Crisis Lifeline, or texting the 741741 to reach the Crisis Text Line. I’ve listed other options at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Thanks for sharing here! I hope in time that you feel better about yourself and also are less alone in the world.
I grew up in abusive foster homes and have struggled with severe mental health issues my whole life. I tried over and over to find anyone who will help but no one cares. It doesn’t matter what gender you are, all anyone cares about is if you have money. All these “free programs” and “resources” are just more people demanding money we don’t have. People who are struggling to function in daily life don’t have that kind of money unless they got lucky enough to have a family that helps them. The rest of us are just supposed to go somewhere else and die quietly. That’s why we have more inmates than any other country and so many of us turn to drugs for some kind of relief. I understand why some people snap. I’m just about there myself, just need to take care of some things before I go. I hope you are able to find the help you need, but I can’t find anyone anywhere who gives a damn.
RH,
I’m very sorry you haven’t been able to find help – or care. I hope you do soon. At the least, have you tried calling the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline? (Just dial 988.) Perhaps they know of resources in your area. The Crisis Text Line is also a resource, at 741741, but there may be a wait.
Anyway, I hope things do get better for you, even though it may feel impossible to you right now.
All I want now is to die in a sleep .
I know how you feel, I’ve been in constant pain for so long it just feels hopeless. Try to live an hour at a time
I am going to most likely very soon ( because I am ready to die) find a spot somewhere in the in the place i live, and then sit down and wait for death to take me, I am 59 yo, worked all my life but i constantly get bullied by people they always attack me verbally then when i speak up they threaten me and i get in trouble i did not do any thing . i only weigh about 125 pounds i am 6foot 3 inches I look like a skeleton feeble and weak and people take advantage of that it does not matter what i do or say people are animals they pick on and destroy the weak and lame etc. I am tired of being dissed, put down made fun of bullied. i dont cause trouble i try to avoid it. I have survived being on the streets homeless 4 times in last 5 years lost my parents in last 3 years and had a aneurysms burst in my head 3 years ago was out of work for 13 months before i was released from hospital to only do lite duty work i still get massive headaches and i get confused when people talk to me We all have our problems i know, i read my bible 3 times I think God Is good with me I am a God fearing Man I lost my job Have rent for january thats it, I am not strong enough to survive the streets again. And this world owes me nothing i am fine with that. I dont expect to get help i am fine with that its not suicide its just the way it is. I accept that, I understand you wont be with me but God will be with me to take me Home i am looking for work but it doesnt look good. I did not write this expecting help I wrote this so you will understand me I am not afraid I welcome my death. Its all good ,
Victor,
The circumstances you describe sound very, very difficult, and you seem at peace with your decision to die by suicide. However, I still hope you won’t end your life. You have something to give to others, something to share, and something to gain in return, I believe. People care; I care. With that said, I know that your pain may far exceed my hope, and my or anyone else’s hope might be irrelevant to you, and I want to acknowledge those truths.
I normally don’t publish comments where someone announces their intent to die by suicide; per the Comments Policy, comments that “announce an unequivocal plan or intention to die by suicide” won’t be published. I hesitated to publish your comment for that reason. However, I am making an exception for various reasons: I do sense some equivocation on your part. At the same time, I think it could help people to read your stance and understand how someone can appear at peace with their choice to die by suicide. And I think it can help you to be understood. I hope I am right.
Thanks for sharing here. I know you feel hopeless, but please understand, I do hope that things get better for you.
Thank You for the exception, and Thank You for you’re reply. Ive been thinking about what you said about caring ….You are right there is still people out there that do care, that want to see the best for others, you said you care, I believe you (Thank You) Our creator God made me to live….I care about me…(Tears) And i do have things to share too. I will find work ,I will meet good people that encourage, share. I will do all that i can to help me again. People can be unfair, illogical, remember the bad forget the good I forgive them anyway, and be with those who are friendly. I don’t want to give up its not fair to me or anyone else…. I am the nice one!! … with God, a job, and some good friends, I will be all right. Thanks for You’re support, You’ve been Great,
Victor, it’s wonderful to hear your words of hope, especially after the profoundly hopeless feelings you expressed yesterday. It really shows how quickly suicidal feelings can change. Yes, you might feel profoundly hopeless again, and I hope what you’ve written here will remind you of reasons to live. I do not mean to diminish in any way the pain you’ve felt and feel still — I truly hope things get better for you.
My instinct to publish your comment was spot on, because you’ve shown other people that even when a person seems resolved to die by suicide, there’s still room to help. Thank you.
I’m so tired of hurt so much I can’t keep doing this my body just hurts and aches
Dearest Victor, I truly feel your pain. My name is Craig and came across this site typing onto google, “how to go to sleep forever” I was expecting to find this. I know where you at, with the peace of going to sleep forever, this world owes you nothing and you understand that though we will not be with you, God will be to take you Home. I get that and think that too. My gift to you, is to show you people care – I CARE, I may not know you but I care and i want to share this with you that someone shared with me.
Grant me the SERENITY to accept the things I cannot change,
COURAGE to change the things I can,
and the WISDOM to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time,
Accepting the hardship to the way of peace,
Taking this sinful world as it is and not as I would have it.
Trusting that he WILL make all things right if I surrender to his will
That I may be reasonably happy in this life,
and supremely happy in the next.
I hope this may bring you some comfort. I am nothing, a no-one but it doesn’t stop me from caring or reaching our with such similar thoughts.
Peace be with you.
Craig
Amazing Craig very well stated. Thank you so much for posting. This helps a lot. 🙂
Victor, I could not sleep due to my own loss and challenges. And found your comment,… Just want to say that I am very sorry that you have been treated so bad by people, and life is so difficult for you. There are many many of us who live lives in pain, and it feels at some point, we can no longer take it anymore. So here, I just prayed for you and ask God and Angels come to help you, provide you with the real necessary daily needs. You are cared and loved at this moment, because the spiritual moves our physical realities, even though we cannot see this realm. May God bless and protect you always. Lu
I dont see ‘passive suicidal’ as suicidal. No matter what, I would never take my own life. It is true that if death comes my way, I would welcome it.
Truth is, nobody wants to hear your problems. Nobody really cares, and truthfully it doesnt matter anyway because no one can help you anyway; it is something you have to deal with on your own.
We live in a screwed up world, and frankly I dont want to be apart of it anymore. This is simply a fact, and there is no changing it.
I do find this article interesting though, I just wouldn’t call it ‘passive suicidal’.
I totally understand. I feel this way too.
I welcome the day when death arrives.
It can not be soon enough.
My parents are gone. My brother and two of my sisters are gone. I have a brother left and a sister who has declared to the world how much she despises me.
My son has died.
My husband and daughter will be just fine with out me.
Death can not come soon enough.
I’ve just previously written about my anxiety issues now I’ve 72 . A Doctor is going to ring me in a couple of hours, and I really don’t know what to say to her or him.
I want oblivion – not death, just a total cessation of existence.
Life has become so overwhelming for me lately. I used to be such an outgoing person but lately I feel as if it is all has been snatched away from me. I have continual anxiety issues. Health now at 72 is declining with kidney problems. I just don’t enjoy life anymore.
i really dont mind. can i have that end now. im really falling apart. i dont want anyone to save me nd back suffering just to survive.
i’ve had that thought since I was a child. I think it started when I was probably around seven or eight. And it’s just haunted me ever since. And I think it comes from the fact that I have never had something in my life that I look forward to. From the moment I’ve woken up even as a child. I just wanted to go back to sleep. my mom tried desperately to give me something to look forward to. She even tried taking me to probably five or seven concerts a year for 20 years, but nothing really worked. And I can feel it. it just gets worse and worse. Only reason I wear a helmet when I ride my bike around 30 miles an hour. It’s because I promised that I would. And that’s because I haven’t been wearing it for so long that people started to worry with how fast they ride. But I’ve noticed that over the last couple years my passive thoughts have started to take shape into something much darker. The last couple years I’ve started looking at my kitchen knife a lot. I think the only thing that prevents me from doing anything further is a healthy fear of pain. That healthy fear that means I am human. But how long will that fear last I don’t know. but I do know one thing, and that is I’ve been tired of existence since I was a kid, and I am even more tired of it now. I’m tired of feeling the spotty, I’m tired of everything that comes with this life. I honestly think the last time I was truly happy was probably when I was four or maybe the early months of being five. those were the last times I actually remember being happy. nowadays, I either have no energy to get out of bed or everything makes me angry or upset and then I just got back into bed. I open my house door and step outside and I can’t go any further. No energy. I turn on some YouTube just for a little entertainment and a simple comment from someone sets me off. so I end up going right back into bed until the next morning in the cycle just keeps repeating day yesterday. I think I only get out of my house for a job interviews and then I usually find myself right back in bed. Worst part is I don’t even want to go for these job. Interviews since staying in bed. It’s a lot easier. staying in bed means I don’t have to face anyone, I don’t have to pretend to be happy. I don’t have to pretend to be human. I can just sleep. I had a nightmare the other day that I took what a little money there was in my bank account and left my house and when I came home, I was back in my bed, but this time with a gun to my head. I’m not the kind of person that would ever hurt anybody. My mother raised me better than that. I am better than that. But I can’t deny that I won hundred percent lack the ability to hurt myself. I’m not the kind of person that would ever hurt anybody. My mother raised me better than that. I am better than that. But I can’t deny that I won hundred percent lack the ability to hurt myself. i’m honestly not sure what prevents me from taking what funds are left and making my nightmare Come true. I even felt my thoughts in that nightmare. I didn’t want to shoot myself inside my place because I rent, and I didn’t want my beloved landlord, seeing his place and his tenant in such a condition. I wanted to spare him of that thought. I’m actually surprised that I was thinking that in my dream. I was thinking that I would just go somewhere else where I wouldn’t affect anyone and then put the gun to my head but I ended up just doing it in my bed instead and the sound of the gun woke me up. where I wouldn’t affect anyone and then put the gun to my head but I ended up just doing it in my bed instead and the sound of the gun woke me up. Whoever reads this, if you feel what I feel, if you feel the pain that I feel, if you feel the emptiness inside that I feel, and you felt this way as long as I have, it would be nice if you and I could talk to each other. I would like to speak to someone who is actually been in my shoes. Someone that understands how I feel when I say that my healthy fear of the abyss that every human being is born with isn’t very strong
I understand….you’re not alone
You’re not alone in how you feel although you probably feel alone. I feel alone and have no motivation so it’s down to me that I’m alone, I cancel plans with the few individuals I call friends then I sit at home feeling like I have no friends and watch everyone on fb living their life’s, while I slip in and out of sleep and wish I could be like them.
I hardly have motivation to write this.
No name,
In a state of mind that feels so bad, it’s good you’re aware of these paradoxes, like cancelling plans with friends and then feeling like you have no friends. The urges to sleep, the isolation, the lack of motivation all make me wonder if there’s something going on that a professional could help you with. Of course, I couldn’t — and wouldn’t — attempt to diagnose you from afar, but I do hope you’ll go to someone who can help you to pinpoint what’s going on, and who can help you to feel better.
Thanks for sharing here! I suspect there are many readers who will relate.
I think FB is just not the right place to be when you feel this way. Nothing on the social site that you see so wonderful is really the way it is. Social Media is harmful to all. I would love to see you go out with your friends and just live. It’s hard, I am not a social media person but I do have social issues because of my anxiety. Most of my feelings are because I lost a daughter to bi-polar and she was always on Social Media thinking they all were better then her and it was so untrue. I hate this world without her and the pain you feel when you lose someone you love so much you just don’t want to wake up. Hang in there please for my daughter and for those who lost people to this horrible disease.
Thanks Stacey for taking the time to reply, I’ve been like this for years and I’ve had counselling in the past, I know all the things I need to do to get myself in a better place but I just get so overwhelmed with tiredness, anxiety,depression,guilt, self loathing that I don’t do any of the things I need to do to get myself out of this place. Thanks again ????????
Thanks Danjen for taking the time to reply, I am so sorry that you have lost your daughter, I have grown up children and can’t imagine what life would be like without them, I can only imagine your pain and suffering. Fb isn’t the best place to be when you are feeling down about yourself as people only highlight the positives which then makes you feel worse, I actually feel abnormal. It seems that everyone is living, they’re functioning and are happy and I’m struggling to get out of bed, I have an unhappy relationship, I’m struggling with work and carrying guilt about the past and seeing my adult children struggling with their mental health which is where my guilt comes from and it’s all too much most of the time. Thank you for your kind words, I will pray for healing and strength for you pray ????????
I am 71 and have been ok which I thought was what so carried on but it seems I was a depressed personality…ummm don’t feel too bad but guess that greyness can be disruptive, That’s the trouble with comparisons cos we all get down and happy at times but it’s that variance that distinguishes. Im reluctantly on anti depressants now for in the past I did and then didn’t coz I thought I could snap out of it by myself….so it is my daily must do although my daily ideation hangs around but I don’t think I am a threat to myself although 2 attempts in the past……Just wish I was more cheerful as life is too short…(yes its too long if your miserable)
I am broken. I have no idea who “I” am, no personality, no ambition, no interests, no goals, no emotional connections to anyone. I have several physical ailments. I put on a disguise at work, but I don’t have any meaningful connections with anyone, not even my wife of 20 yrs. I don’t even have deep feelings for family. I spend my time off sitting in my dark basement either watching TV or on my phone. I talk myself out of going anywhere I don’t absolutely have to go to. I keep imagining that if I were to have a heart attack, I’d welcome it. I’ve toyed with the idea of therapy, but I don’t think I could even be honest with myself, much less a therapist, and just the idea of searching for one who I felt comfortable with is exhausting. It would be much better for everyone if I just wasn’t here.
Why do we have same thoughts… same line of thinking…the feeling of I wanted to but I don’t want to… I am grateful for having a wife who is loving and caring… and this makes me feel a more burden to her… her love and words make me hold on…
I am a total disappointment, and I wish others wouldn’t be upset if I died.
But it’s my fault for becoming a father and all that jazz, so I’m obligated to be alive against my will. That’s the lot I’ve given myself I suppose.
The only reason I haven’t taken my life is I would hurt others more by being dead, and dead folks are not often of use and I must be useful or else I am really really worthless at that point.
Either way, I’m unworthy of the love I am given or the value attributed to me.
I wish I was gone, and can’t wait for that day.
I too am waiting for the day – I hope it will be very soon for me.
What a let down. I had hoped this would be the last article I’d need to read.
Never felt like I fit in this world. Always seem to be a disappointment to those I care for. “He’s okay, but…. , work, relationships and so on. Just learned long term marriage has been a 40 year fraud. Adult life long depression. I sick of being treated. No one seems to talk about a cure. No money to be made with a cure. They seem to be okay with not better but close enough. I’ve talked to therapists, psychiatrists, meditation, is exercise, and every medication available. I’m done, I want out.
Only thing holding me back is the damned Buddhists and their damned reincarnation.
That’s how I felt when I woke up on the floor of a storage room again(homeless) this morning. I’m tired of living. Just too much suffering. Sorry that you feel the same.
[This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]
Exactly how I feel day in and day out. I think my family is going to lose their home because of me.
Why can’t I just suck it up and kill myself?
I would give anything to simply fall asleep and never wake again
Me too!!!
It’s crazy, last night I went to sleep feeling thankful for my life.
Tonight I wish I could never wake up, as I often do.
Suicide isn’t as easy as some might think .
Use to be that way but got with Dr and found I’m bipolar and got on meds and it helped a lot.
so true.
Yes I wanna die. Why Because I got stress, depression, and anxiety. My parents think I don’t have depression and anxiety. I just turned 13 this month.. I already had 3 or 4 therapist and they all didn’t work. I have been cry for like my whole life now. Because of some issues with family. Now I am crying because of my relationship, I don’t have a good relationship with my parents, and I don’t have a good relationship with my family and friends. I have been cutting for about a month now… I told my friends I would quit but here I am not clean. I am trying tho.. Thank you for reading this.
Hello there young man. Before I talk about me I want to say to you. I am 67 and have heard about cutting. I hope you have the strength to fine some one that you can go to talk to. There has to be some young parent you can open up to. You even probably have a neighbor you could go to. Walk in a church if you have to. That’s a safe place. Talk to a Pastor or Priest. When you tell me your cutting yourself I hurt. I am so cut up and in pain I can’t get out of it. I am waiting on the lord because he will come some day and there will be no pain. I also lost a son and I want to see him some day. You take your life that is murder and the good Lord does not like that. Because of of sin we have to wait and have our good Lord take out the Anti Christ first. Then every day will be a happy one not just one here and there. First young man give it some time and just open up to someone. I am all cut up. Had neck and shoulder surgery. Have rods in my back. Had three hernia surgeries. Plus I was all busted up when I was 5 years old being run over from a car. Even have a pain pump in my stomach attached to my spinal cord. God I don’t want to be cut anymore so stop before you hit the wrong nerves and suffer with nerve pain. You don’t want that. I am full of nerve pain. Yes there were times I did not want to be here but I don’t have that right not to be. Only God does. I promise you that it will be worth your wait. Your the first person I ever responded to. Please talk to the right person even if you have to go to someone else again. Take care of yourself and I hope you stop hurting yourself. Again I promise you – you will have wonderful times in the future. Heck you did not even get a chance to drive yet. You do have many friends in your life to meet yet. Give it some time. You are young. Your Friend. Jeff
I truly believe those who want to go should be able to. You shouldn’t have to be physically ill and on your deathbed to receive assisted suicide.
Quit the ‘talk to someone’ crap.
Life isn’t for everyone… let people end their suffering in a dignified manor. Staying alive to make others happy is no life at all.
Agreed
I agree. A choice to die peacefully and painlessly. Without stigma. There is just a time when one is ready.
agree. they say it’s selfish of us, but I think THEY are the selfish ones, wanting us to go on in such mental and/or physical agony!
Kay bee,
I’ve heard many people express the same sentiment, and it really shows how relative the term “selfish” is. My own view is that the term “selfish” doesn’t really apply to suicide, for reasons I explain here: Is It Selfish to Die in a Tornado? At the same time, I wouldn’t say people who want a loved one to resist suicidal urges are selfish, either. Yes, they don’t want to suffer the loss of someone they love, but they also want the person they love to feel better and have a better life, which isn’t selfish, IMO.
Thanks for sharing here!
I’ve said this before and asked permission to go… deep down I don’t want to I know what I just don’t want to hurt anymore
I’ve had depression for many years and mostly do well. The problem is my partner. I am in a gay relationship and my husband, while most of the time is great, turns into a monster when he gets angry. He can’t seem to stop himself long enough to calm down. It turns into days of him making me feel bad, threatens to leave, blames it all on me. Once he’s through, he cry’s and tells me how much he loves me and doesn’t want to leave. I know this is not healthy for him or me. But, we do love each other. I can’t imagine not being with him, but at this point can’t imagine how we can continue to do this. We have been you for 28 years.
Bottom line, I’m so tired and do nt know what to do. We are both middle age and it seems like this is silly at our age. Each time this happens, I’m so frustrated, I just want it to end. Today, was the closest I’ve come. I’m tired and don’t want to be alive any longer. I just dont know where to turn. I don’t really have any friends to discuss it with and I have went to therapy before and it didn’t seem to help. I feel ridiculous feeling this way at my age. I just want it to end
Hi Ross, age has nothing to do with happiness. Maybe you both need to go out for a light dinner and talk about what bothers each of you. The anger is hard but there has to be a reason for it. But you deserve to live a full life happy and so does he however it starts with each one of you. Life can be beautiful and Life can SUCK. You sound like a great person who cares deeply and that is a WIN WIN for you. Turn your frustration, well try to turn it around by looking at the positive. You don’t really need anyone but yourself to turn it around trust me, you are your worst enemy and need to heal yourself. I see you are a beautiful soul and you are needed here. Good Luck!!!!
Hi Ross,
Please consider getting help from a domestic abuse organisation. What you’re describing is not what you deserve and it can change.
If you’ve not heard of it, ‘emotional abuse’ is still just as insidious as physical abuse or neglect. No one has the right to degrade you, threaten you, blame you or otherwise use you just to satisfy their own emotional needs.
Idk your local area so I can’t find relevant resources, but you deserve better. You might not have to split up if he can accept that his behaviour needs to change in order to keep you. At the very least, if you can afford it, please see a therapist for your own sake.
There are usually low-cost or concession rates available too.
Good luck. I hope he grows up and realises you’re worth changing for.
I wonder what Life after Death is or We are just Angels Given a chance to Live on Earth and Experience this shitty Life. I’m tired, my mind is racing over and over, and I wonder how it all ends without suffering.
not true you are a beautiful person and here for a reason.. Please know I understand but you are a very special person and loved more then you know.
No. Please don’t give up. You are here for a purpose. Just reading your message is helping other people who consider your thoughts help to try and make sense of why we feel this way and so you are my connection to many more. You are worthy of all good in life. Hang in there.
Love a mom who lost a beautiful soul to suicide. If I can help you then I am giving my daughter a big smile in heaven.
suicide i believe is a gift an people should be able to decide they dont want to live anymore when your life has become so hard that waking up is a terror an to keep on living is a nightmare i believe people should have their own personal right to choose to die , for me personally i have ruined my life an dont want to be a burden on anyone anymore I have no money i lost custody of my children because couldnt afford a lawyer i have nothing to live for anymore i wish to give up so this is why i understand
It is sure easy to say age has nothing to do with wishing to live or die but I cant but wonder, “HOW OLD ARE YOU?” because I strongly disagree. I been here awhile and for much of the last 20 years I have had neuropathy growing yearly-as long as you are healthy and have a hope of your health then you have way more than you can ever imagine and can help yourself in which case. Life does get harder as you age and get sick in some manner as people cant always see your illnesses with ease and think you are not. Humans are cruel and they always will be so if you can help yourself, I encourage you to pray and do so. We all get tired but there sure are bad, worse and even unsurmountable tired in this world
I don’t want to kill myself, because I believe I would be sent back to do it all over again, and I could not relive another life in this crazy world. But I am not afraid to die
Mari,
I’ve spoken with many people who, like you, are deterred from acting on their suicidal thoughts because they fear being reincarnated into an equally painful — or even more painful — life. It’s a frightening possibility, isn’t it?
Thanks for sharing here.
I’m commenting right now while I’m trying to keep my hand on my neck and hope I just pass out, I’m just going through too many things that I think will just get worse in a few years or so…there’s lots of things worrying me right now, and tomorrow for me is school. Right now I’m on my bed…just had a heart attack and earlier dropping my tablet on my chest…I just don’t want to wake up for school tomorrow…..I’m afraid it will be a bad day in hell and I’m also depressed because not just school problems but 1. Losing all my favorite memories 2. Just thinking that nobody cares about me as much and just thinking negative about what people think of me and 3. Never having a boyfriend….I’ve always wanted to know what it’s like being held by someone…first kiss and someone to be there…and I had a couple of huge crushes but I get rejected and they probably don’t care about me maybe wanting me to rot cause well I’m creepy and that’s what’s turning me fictosexual, I have like 14 fictional boys on my tabs and 1 girl cause I’m a heteroflexible but ya…I just am starting to feel like I don’t deserve a boyfriend or anything…..but I know my fictional boyfriends and girlfriend aren’t real, they’re just drawings or edited on computer….and I feel by myself in the dark and I’m just wanting to never wake up and hoping I’ll never leave my bed. I hope my neck is at least sore or choked up tommorrow when I leave school. I am a 15 year old girl btw waiting for my misery to end.
Hailey,
Your comment is heartbreaking. I can see that you’re hurting terribly and your mind is convincing you things will never get better. Are you getting any help? Do your parents or someone else who cares about you know about the thoughts and feelings that torment you? If not, please show them what you posted here. If you don’t have anyone like that in your life, please tell a teacher or school counselor or call the Suicide and Crisis Lifeline at 988. There are different things, like therapy and possibly medication, and more, that can help you to feel better about yourself and life. Thanks for sharing here!
Oh..this is an interesting and terrifying thought. Something to think about for sure.
I agree Ama. But I think where we go is a way better than this, unfortunately we have to wait for the day to come when we are succumbed to the inevitable. In the meantime I try and live for the ones I love that are still here. It is hard and it sucks, and I can’t wait to be with my loved ones in heaven. But I am trying my best to stay. Everyday is so difficult because I don’t want to be here after losing a loved one, who was my best friend and my daughter. She was a beam of light and a gift to this world and I just don’t understand why things happen as they do. Why? that is what I will ask until the day I die. Good Luck and hang in there.
If we could go back and do it all over again, perhaps we could remember and escape certain situations and do things differently. That, at least, would be a win
Thank you for your words, they are very comforting
Mari, you’re most welcome. Thank you for letting me know!
Hello all: I was on this site a few months ago and received understanding and support. So, I thought I’d out again and confess a secret that is part of my suicidal thoughts of the “nobody will care” variety.”
I HATE my sister. We used to be very close and tell each other everything. No more mostly because I don’t get anything from her anymore about what’s going on for her emotionally. When we talk and I ask her how she is doing, she inevitably says in this soft, sweet voice “I’m good, we’re good, I’m good”. Not a lot of real sharing!
But that is not the only reason I hate her. She has the perfect life. Married almost 50 years to a great guy, great kids, great grandkids. She has no empty in her gas tank when it comes to giving to them and other family members. She does all kinds of good work in the community. She runs and even after knee replacements on both knees, ran a 1/2 marathon a few weeks with her daughter running with her up the last hill and her 7-year-old granddaughter meeting her close to the finish line to “run her in”. She’s thin, she eats healthy probably 99% of the time. She bakes a couple of times a week. She is very direct in her communication, and I could go on and on.
I HATE her. She has an everything life, while I struggle on so many levels every single day. But I don’t show any of that to her anymore and she certainly doesn’t know how I feel about her. Part of my considering suicide is that at least I wouldn’t be carrying the weight of this around all the time
Is there anybody out there who gets me at all? Getting pretty desperate here.
Nan
Ugh. She sounds awful. And kind of boring. I hate her too….. Does seem a bit unfair on her though, huh? Like, she’s just living her life. She’s not actively trying to hurt you. Jealousy is ugly. Maybe you hate yourself and it’s easier to project it onto her. Why don’t you just be honest with her? Sounds like you don’t hate her, you’re just jealous. And that’s ok. You can be jel without hate. I bet she senses it, like it’s an unspoken thing that has driven you a part. We’re all human and we all feel it. It’s you that makes you feel this way. We’re all going to die one way or another- you, me, her, everyone we know. Why don’t you just choose to eat healthy? What’ve you got to lose? Maybe she can help you. Making healthy choices is hard until it’s habit. If you want to die anyway, you could just eat healthy for a bit before you do. But don’t listen to me. I live with my dying father, in an outbuilding in his garden. It’s beyond shit. My life has been on pause. I’ll be here for him, but god forgive me I’m sick of listening to him complain about his cancer all the bloody time. Nearly 2 years I’ve had to deal with this. My brothers are useless, they both have nice lives, children, partners, good jobs etc, because I’m single and have a flexible job I was expected to do this for dad, move back here and ‘care’ (I stopped ‘caring’ about 4 months ago…) but I’m not jealous of my brothers. I feel pleased that at least they’ve made it. I’m miserable and wish death would take me and that I had cancer instead of dad. We’ve all got our problems and we’re all arseholes I suppose. I still act the right way, do the right thing. From the outside I look like a saint, but inside that couldn’t be farther from the truth. Maybe deep down your sister is hiding something dark too….. 😉 sounds like she might be overcompensating for something. Maybe she misses being close with you,too. Hope you can find a healthier way to process your complex emotions relating to your sister.
Life happens for you, not to you. We all have free will and it’s up to you to make your life better. If you can wake up tomorrow and say to yourself today is going to be the first day of changing my mind., your sister deserves her life and I\you deserve a good life too. You are just as special as she is and probably so much more you just don’t see it in yourself. If you can make one advance in your life to make you happy then you are more stronger then a lot of people. Hang in there. I feel your pain and know that you are amazing in your own right.
I hate my sister also Nancy. We don’t talk at all , I can’t see my niece and nephew. She burned me when the estate was settled and claims she would call the police if I attend a family funeral. No one talks to me anyway so I wouldn’t expect to hear news of anyone’s death.I have no family or friends and I’m dying from loneliness and poor health. I hate this world, earth is dying , animals are dying and abused. We’re all dying slowly.
Facing homelessness. Want to check out. Hate pain. I’ve had enough of that thanks. Looking at nice quiet ways to die. Only have a few weeks to figure this out.
I feel your pain , you are not alone. Fight for your what you believe in, and what you deserve in life. I am trying to do the same
I understand, I feel lost in this big world I don’t know where I fit in and I’m struggling to get through each day. I have bad mental health and used substances for many years to distract my self from mind racing so much it makes me feel dizzy I either sleep alot stop the thoughts , now it’s so bad I just can’t cope in this world I’m so unhappy and I just want it all to stop. I know my mum and children would be upset but I don’t make their lives any better by being here so I just can’t face more days maybe years of feeling like this. I just want it to stop. I have thought out different ways of doing it such as jumping off the multi story or in front of a train now to maybe just a massive overdose. I have planed out how and when would be best to where and what I will wear I just want my mum and family to know I’m sorry I wish I could of been braver or stronger and I’m so sorry to put them through this but please know i can’t find peace here and at this I can rest and it means no more no more will I feel lost and unhappy please remember to all my family I will all ways love all of you more than you ever know. xxxx
Jo I feel your pain too I struggle everyday too but your mum and children would miss you trust me. Being in pain everyday sucks it is not a good place to be and it’s so hard to live everyday in severe anxiety and depression and pain. Hang in there and try to take care of yourself and I wish all the love in the world to you????
Me too
I think I’ve been depressed most of my life, so finding my way here all these years later I guess was sort of inevitable. I take no comfort from finding others here as well – and so many.
If I hear ‘You’re not alone’ as a reason to stick around one more time, it may actually speed things up for me. Yes! We are – all of us, together in our suicidal thoughts ALONE.
Clarification? Sure – I spent some time on a crisis line feeling suicidal. Not sure why I called. I didn’t want to talk about it I just wanted to get it over with. Maybe it was some last check to make sure I hadn’t overlooked some small sliver of hope that would magically fix my problems and make everything Ok.
I was pandered to, verbally petted, offered all sorts of links to check out that might help with my issues (some of which were no longer active, btw), but I never felt as though I was being HEARD. I know how hard it is to verbalize to someone just how you feel when in this state and I understand how hard it must be for those who have never been in this state to understand what they are hearing. So, right off the bat – there is a HUGE communication disconnect with this whole process. The person put in place to give help to the person in pain is typically one who would never consider (and therefore never understand) what the person in pain is saying and feeling, beyond what their text books and in class training tells them.
If most people who consider suicide factor in that there is no one in their life they can talk or relate to – why on earth would a complete stranger be able to no matter how much they actually wanted to help? It’s not possible really, so we have nations filled with crisis lines that just don’t work for some of us. I got one who while I tried to explain to him, that in my 60 odd years, I’ve never really been shown any kindness. He actually gave me shit and pointed himself out as one who was being kind. I think he forgot to include that at this particular location, he was also being paid. But I agreed with him and thanked him and he did have a valid point that now I can say in my 60ish years I’ve only found ONE person who showed me ‘text book instructed, scripted and paid for kindness’ – Thanks!!
Anyway – it’s all a farce for me. I’m old and no one wants to save someone who’s already got one foot in grave. Probably should have died years ago but thanks to the marvel that is modern medicine I’m still here… struggling every day to survive ALONE.
Now I’m also broke and facing homelessness. I have come to realize that talking about it with one of these crisis centers is pointless. You can actively watch and listen while they try to fish your address and other identifying information out of you. You can hear the paper shuffling at times as they flip through their manual or notes and I can feel how tired listening to me makes them. And it IS exhausting! If listening to it is hard – imagine how hard it is for us to be living in and through it. No matter how we try to explain ourselves we know that you are not ‘getting it’ as we hear your scripted replies. I gotta say – this really doesn’t help someone truly bent on dying.
So, If I’m truly bent on it – why call? Again, I don’t know. Last hope – last hope dashed. Thanks for your time. Glad you were able to save someone who only needed what you had to offer. Too late for some and can’t help us all. That’s just the way it is.
Hey lovely, I know you’re alone and I know this probably won’t mean anything but know that today I am thinking of you. I agree with everything you said. I’m nearly 60 and I’ve had enough of the whole system too. Doctors included. I go days without speaking to a human and then it’s usually only to thank the asda driver for my shopping. The helpline advisor sounds more like a volunteer because that sort of response should not have come from someone who has supposedly been trained. So patronising and disrespectful. I have a home but did experience nearly losing it just after the millennium, back then then I had some energy to deal with things, but it sent me west. Head was battered, so I can imagine how you’re feeling right now with the uncertainty of it all when you can’t even work your own head out, and so difficult dealing with officialdom when we can’t concentrate and emotions take over. Life is so difficult for everyone right now but most people around me think I’m selfish – as though I choose to be poorly. I don’t even tell anyone how sad I am anymore – it seems pointless like I think that they think its a choice ???? I wish you well C. x
yes get you. Have called help line. Haven’t had anyone who has offered help Just a speel from whatever they’ve learned to say. I mean I appreciate that they are trying but to tell me to respect my son’s space. it’s being 10 years and I am not well. Plus he has not told me why he is mad at me.
To die and not have that resolved for him moreso than myself is just something I don’t want him to regret down the road. (As I did with my mother)
I will not call a help line again. Will try to get individual help on how to open communication with son…even if it’s his anger I want him to get it out. unless you’ve been there they have no clue.
We once were so close It hurts more than I can say. It is actually slowly killing me. Major heart attack and many losses…I can go, ready to leave earth, but I want him to be okay.
That’s exactly how I feel. I have 2 grown adult children and so may grandbabies and 5 great grandchildren why then am I so lonely and feel like no one cares. I took care of mom when she got old gave her everything she needed and I get blessed to be able to do just that but my children just don’t understand that I feel not wanted, a burden and they care more about their families than they care for me. I know they love me in their own way. I just thought they would love me enough to care more… I just cannot seem to be happy no matter what I do. I left Colorado coming to Canada with my son and his wife thinking life would be better here but it’s not they wake up shut their bedroom door go to work come home and shut their door again. I’m no better off here I have no one
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Know that feeling well. About the same here just I live alone.
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C ~ very well expressed. I am in my 60’s too and struggling. Perhaps people like you and I should be the ‘crisis line listeners’ because we actually KNOW what it feels like to be so desperate, and KNOW how much being properly listened to, and understood means. I hope you are still around because I really think you could help people with your empathy.
So true
I hope you are still around. You have a way with words. I have a hard time finding the right words, let alone getting them out. I’m doing ok right now, but I wish there was a place where it was easier for people like us to connect and talk to each other. This feed is confusing. It’s hard to tell who is talking to who, or if they even got a response. Maybe on a day where someone is feeling stronger, like me, they could give some support to someone who maybe felt unheard just because there was no reply. Does anyone know of a place like that?
Omg you made me laugh. Like really laugh. I guess commiserate misery is weirdly funny to me? I hope you’re not offended but I could relate to everything you said. You should write a book or maybe a book of short stories on your experiences. I would totally buy it. And it proves we are NOT alone, because I don’t even know you but I was with you in every word. I know you cuz you are me. I hope you are hanging in because you have a gift with words. I’m gonna close with God bless . Who knows? He might just be listening. I certainly was.
I just feel I’m so unloved n so pushed away my girlfriend as I just doing what she wants to but what get is when I ask her to watch a movie so to me mean I’m different to everyone else around so I just want to die
I just unloved n push away from my girlfriend so now I feel like I just want to sleep n never wake up
I’ve been depressed for years, even as a child, problems probably started from birth. Born in a Catholic mother and baby home, my mum was just 16, was only allowed to hold me at feeding times, she refused to sign the adoption papers so this went on for 6 months before her mum forged her dad’s signature on documents and she married my teenage dad. Mum had health problems and dad was beaten up and arrested in front of me when I was 3. Me and my toddler brother were put in a children’s home where we were treated horribly, battered me on the first day, didn’t feed us except for toast if you managed to get to it before the big kids. This was 1969, the home was shut down not long after. My Nan and granddad took me out after about 6 months but left my brother there. They wanted to adopt me but eventually I was sent back to my parents when mum was out of hospital and dad out of prison. This was confusing to me because I’d virtually forgotten my parents by then. My dad was a bit of a sadist, my mum was neurotic, we didn’t have a good childhood. When we were put in care my mum was pregnant with my little brother who was placed in a foster home, they wanted to adopt him but my parents wouldn’t agree. I don’t know why because they obviously hated him and eventually put him into care. He took his own life in hospital age 29, he was depressed, supposedly on suicide watch, yet managed to hang himself. I left home age 16 and had 3 children to a guy 10 years older who was a drinker, amphetamine user and a viscous bully. My eldest child was disabled and needed lots of surgeries throughout his childhood, 5 operations in his first year. I split up with their dad and my little brother was their main male influence as well as mine. Then life got to him ???? I met a lovely guy and we got married and bought a house, but then he had drug problems at the same time as I was going through family bereavement. I couldn’t deal with it so we split up too. Two of my kids also made me a Nan, I also had a very early menopause at this time too, everything became too much. I attempted suicide and was hospitalised for 6 months. They tried different combinations of medications and electro convulsive therapy. I somehow managed to keep my house. I’ve not been right since then. Exhausted all the time. Now I have COPD, fibromyalgia, arthritis and osteoarthritis, I get shingles a lot. I weigh about 6 stone. I’m not using the supplements. I don’t leave the house. My best friend died. I don’t eat. I cry constantly. I’ve not opened post or answered my phone in over 4 weeks. I had a fall a few weeks ago and my grandson called an ambulance. They found fluid on my heart during a CT scan. So they wanted me to stay in hospital. I haven’t left the house since before covid, I was a mess, I walked out. Since then I haven’t answered my phone or my door. My family have disowned me because I left the hospital, they say I’m selfish. My head hurts. I’ve not had any prescriptions delivered either. I’m so tired but can’t sleep. Everything hurts. I’m not suicidal but I don’t want to be here. Even looking at Dignitas.
Oh i wish i could just come sit with you and hold your hand and let you cry, but there isn’t enough of me left either. That is all we really need, i think, just one person to whom we are actually consistently important. The other night i was in so much distress, crying self to sleep, again, everything sucks and so alone, and so much crushing responsibility (still raising kids and i love them so much it makes it worse because they deserve so much better than how our life is) and it somehow occurred to me that God gave each of us someone who cares, whose entire mission it is to care: our guardian angels. Your guardian angel cares for you, just you, and though everyone else in your life will fail or betray you or use you up, that guardian angel is still there. Maybe this makes no sense, but that consoled me a great deal and i was able to envision my angel spreading their wings over me (angels are pure spirits and have no bodies, but i mean envisioning, you know, in an emotional sense) and i was able to calm down and feel cared for for once in my life. I dont know if this can help you, i dont know if it will keep helping me (obviously i am on this site today, but i will try to remember my angel more for help) but i thought i would throw this out there for you.
I literally want to end my life everyday. Sick of the harassment and racism towards the Asian people. I am in school and trying to earn an Associates degree in Criminology. The first two years of schooling was fun and learned a lot throughout my life learning. I am almost 40 years of age and nothing seems to work out in my favor. I literally have to work for it while others get what they want. Many of my classmates and teachers have scolded me to why I exist. They said I’m the problem for bringing COVID-19 to the US and getting people to die from it. This hurts me to the point that I want to end myself and not worry about what happens after I disappear from the face of this world. I’ve gone through counselors advice and shrinks for assistance but none of them works. I am not learning anything from them how to avoid this suicide problem. Talking with counselors makes it more troublesome on my end. (I am just typing what I have in my mine and most of the time, I have no idea what the heck I am talking about.)
I wish I can take some drugs that will put me to sleep and never wake up again. Classmates, teachers, and the public have told me to “pack up my shit and go back to my Asian hometown. You are no longer an American here. You are Asian prick who sent us your grim reaper to hunt us down to our emotional core. You need to go away or we’ll make you repay our sins by sacrificing your body for the many deaths of our lost loved ones.” When I hear this statement from other people, I do not want to exist. These statements go on forever and they don’t cease to end. I’ve seen classmates and teachers point fingers and blame me for something I didn’t do. All their problems land on me and I get blamed for every single thing. I am SO DONE WITH LIFE.
Dear Frosty, as an Asian American I completely understand your double trauma. One being the potential covid demise, the other is the deep seated racism that raised its head again during this pandemic. Like you, I also have experienced much systemic differential treatment throughout my life. This is absolutely wrong, especially in the Christian countries. We are all equal in the God/Divine, if we believe that our existence is not random, even if there were to be a Big Bang, how did this come about? Sure, we cannot be 100% sure. Yet how these beautiful trees, flowers, birds, fish and animals being put together with such precision?
God is here with us, even when we human behave lowly, hurtfully to others, causing others’ harms. So today with the pain caused by others, I am like you struggling, but not giving up. There are checks and balances even though perhaps we may not see it in our life time. This world in its current state is impossible to be allowed to continue its degeneration without coming to its own demise. So Frosty, please gather your strength and ask God to help you through this. The sun will shine again, you are still young. L
My life has been one long joke I am 35 married at 33 to my wife been married two years before I got married I was a 34 year old shut in completely I’ve only worked one job for like 7 months and legit that is as much as I have worked a job in fact it’s the only job I have held now I am 36 I’m on SSI and state supplement and me and my wife only have one income and when I was like 11-12 I was molested by a friend of the family and then in middle school at 13 or maybe 14 I was bullied every day of school by a group of girls and I almost committed suicide in middle school and now I know I will probably wind up in prison or I’ll wiind up having a stroke worrying about me going to prison nothing will get better for me it’s only going to get worse for me. My life is pretty much over
Wow 807 comments; it would seem that number that high would indicate that maybe this is the appropriate solution. I’ve lost my faith in medical professionals as I was quickly dismissed as just being a little depressed. I find it hard to understand how someone can compare how I feel to another person who may be in “in a much worse situation.”. Because I have a clean shirt and shaved this morning there must be no possible way I pray everyday that I get to leave. My cousin recently had a heart attack and I told her she’s was so lucky she almost got out of here. She didn’t understand. As an overachiever and people pleaser I’ve already tried my best and my best was a failure. It’s been too long and took too much, I see happy spots but I have absolutely no desire to try again. I would be love to end it instantly nut what I’m I’ve found is that no matter how bad things are they can get even worse, my luck is have a botched attempt, lose my sight and speech, be spoon fed and have to listen to everyone talk while never being able to respond. So I sit here hopelessly waiting to just be gone. I truly get excited at the thought of it finally ending and not feeling .
I understand you
Yes.
No help at all. Still feel miserable every day and wish my life would end soon. Looking forward to it.
Thankyou
I guess I’m just selfish but let me die. No one will mourn for long and I will leave no hole in anybody’s life. Others will be better off without me as I’m just a burden and have no particular talent or smarts. Basically I’m just a waste of space and even my body organs won’t benefit anyone anymore as I’m old. Too stupid to keep up with life’s technologically advancing world. Have never been a confident driver and long ago stopped driving for everyone else’s safety thus causing hardship for others in my life who are burdened with taking me here and there. Just a passenger in life. What a waste
I am feeling the same as you even I’m only 25, I’m convinced that am a burden and it would be better for me to be gone. I just want to be gone now.
I just know everyone would be better off if I wasn’t around anymore.
Do you have something you may like to do before your better off? I am still at loss myself, but there is this something like a responding ending for me, so i am moving towards completing this work. It is very hard though, because every day is a struggle. And likewise, you may have something that you care about still….. or someone who cares about you. Perhaps you can talk with them, or even it could be your pet…. and move little bit by little bit towards happy moments. Take care, I will pray for you. L
I get how you feel. I feel the same way. Sometimes people only realize how much they need you when you’re not there. But then it’s too late. Hope hurts more than giving up. Bravery is just a trick, it just proves that there is so much more room to feel even more alone than you do right now.
Please pray for me. I’m terrified that I’m going to die by suicide.
If I do finally break, hope you all know I tried my very best.
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Very curious as to how you could possibly know this? Did you ask them?
I’m 65, I have hurt my wife over our last 22 years of marriage (not physically) and have failed in everything. I have failed at business, I have failed as a husband. I have failed as a father. For all my “potential”, intelligence and opportunities, I have nothing to show for it. My wife and I seem to be nothing more than roommates; she tells me that her biggest mistake was marrying me. I have no money for retirement (I guess I didn’t think ahead) and feel completely empty and alienated. I know that I am venting all the feelings that I can only say to myself as I am driving in my car, but I am totally alone and my life has no meaning. Yes, I pray every night as I try and go to sleep that I would never wake up. I want to go home.
For better or for worse. Isn’t that part of your marriage vows? If she leaves she’ll regret it because you will turn things around and things will get much much better. Do whatever you have to do to continue to hang on. Find something to be passionate about. Look for a new hobby, surround yourself with good people, look up to your Creator and let Him guide and lead you. Take a trip back in time to remind yourself what used to bring you joy and rediscover those things. Above all, get help. There are numerous resources out there, most of them completely free. Just one example, thedepressionproject.org or blurtitout.org. We’re so blessed to have access to the internet where all we have to do is google something. Type in a few words about how you’re feeling/what you need and you will find many websites that have tips and tricks to help get you back on track. Around the corner are better days. Believe it and hang in there, help is on the way.
Ed! I think you need a change of direction in your life there are many employers who will hire 60 and 65-year-olds. I am 57 I am the second oldest in my training group doing a fairly physical job pay is unbelievable off the scale I too felt exactly like you in very much same situation it’s as if I had written that comment myself. This particular industry is hungry to hire grown-ups who will go to work when they’re supposed to and follow the rules that’s kind of hard to find today in 20 and 30 somethings and they know it. There is much to make of life even at 65 and maybe it is time to have the courage to get away from your wife she’ll find out that that’s not really what she wanted but you’ll be free and on your way to crafting a whole new life I pray that you have the courage and the tenacity to pursue a completely different path. It’s happening for me it can happen for you too! Love and prayers!
Your comment resonated with me because life is not about money and the words your wife uses are hurtful but don’t get down on yourself you actually have a heart and soul and you addressed what you didn’t do but you brought your children into this world and that is a blessing in life. Hang in there I feel your pain????
I am you
September 26th is my 65th birthday. My wife just let me know she is leaving me. I’ve been suffering from depression as long as I can remember. Like you, I just want an end to the suffering.
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I say that Soo often “I want to go home” . And this is the first time I’ve seen someone else say that. Preciate you, makes me feel like I’m correct to wish to not live in this world anymore, it’s not my home”
I’m always saying I want to go home particularly when I’m in bed at night
Nothing to really live for
I want to go home. Not sure where that is but I know it isn’t here. I say this often as well.
You know, we tend to judge ourselves by what we have and what we’ve accomplished. Take Eddie Van Halen. Successful guitarist, musician and father. As a husband – not so much. He is no longer with us – all of those successes mean absolutely nothing. I think we should take each day’s success and make baby steps in our life. If today was good, then that’s one! Don’t worry about what other people think of you – their opinions are worthless. Get rid of the roommate. Neither wants to be there. Get rid of the expectations – live one day at a time. If you make it to tomorrow and today was a good day that is a huge accomplishment. Feel better about yourself. Like me you are all you have. Even at 65 (BTW I am not far behind) you can start life. Ya it sucks, but what else do you have to do. If you are hellbent on dying, just wait – it will come for sure. For now though, kick the crap out of life however you can and forget people’s opinions.
Your comment resignated with me because life is not about money and the words your wife uses are hurtful but don’t get down on yourself you actually have a heart and soul and you addressed what you didn’t do but you bright your children into this world and that is a blessing in life. Hang in there I feel your pain????
i think: if i could do or die i’d die and do for me’d be done
I dont want help to recover, i want help to do it, my mind needs the rest
Peter,
One of the most common features of suicidal thoughts is hopelessness. Be careful not to believe everything you think and feel; feeling hopeless doesn’t mean it’s a fact that your situation is hopeless. I hope you will try to get help, even though you believe you don’t want it. As a start, you can call 988 to reach the Suicide & Crisis Lifeline if you’re in the U.S. You also can check out other resources I’ve listed here on the Resources page.
Thanks for sharing here, and I hope that you feel better soon, despite what your mind is telling you now.
Yes…I agree
I lived in an abusive relationship without telling anyone about it for twenty years ( a select few]. Finally planned that on a Sunday night before work, I would call into work on the Monday morning sick. He was staying at work until 11 p.m. each night for the past week so it was the perfect time. I had been stock piling drugs including many opioids. I layed out a comforter in the floor of the guest room with a pillow and when he left for work, I sat in front of the tv with over 400 pills, a bottle of peptomismol and gravel and started popping. My intention was to make it to the closet in time to pass out there. He came home at 5 p.m. that night to find me purple and my heart beat at 11 beats per minute. The police and doctors told him I wouldn’t make it (this I was told after the fact). One doctor gave up on me and another took over. Bloody Hell, I survived after a long recovery and I was angry. It meant suffering his wrath and more beatings and no help from the medical profession. I was treated like the dregs of society. I was astounded that I survived. Have I thought about it since? Yes! But not recently because the last beating when he almost killed me, went to trial and knew he was going to jail, he hung himself, gave me some peace. However, I suffer from PTSD and still am in the same boat. It is impossible to get help. I am ‘on the list’
Karen, I feel for you, though cannot offer you any practical suggestion, but just want to tell you that I just pray to God for peace and that real help is on the way. Take care and may God’s love be upon you.
I don’t know why this happens, but everytime I go to bed, I wish to not wake up in the next morning, or to cease to exist in this timeline. I feel so frustrated for the things I’ve done in the past when I was younger, that the only thing that would be capable of heal this “deathwish”, would be to go back in time and fix things up. I feel like I wasted a massive part of my life making stupid mistakes that made me the person who I am today. The worst part it’s all my fault. I can’t blame no one, because I brought this to myself. I hold no expectations on my future, I don’t know if I’ll ever have kids someday, or have a girlfriend, because I’m socially awkward, and an uninteresting person. That’s why the best time of my day is when I go to sleep. Because I don’t need to think of anything that reminds me that I’m a failure. I just wish that my sleep could be longer and longer. Sorry for the rant, and the bad english.
Karen,
You’ve experienced trauma after trauma after trauma, and I’m so sorry. While you’re waiting “on the list,” I hope you’ll reach out to other resources like the 988 Suicide and Crisis Lifeline (just call 988, if you’re in the U.S.) or other places I list on the Resources site.
Also, depending on where you live, you might be eligible for therapy funded through a fund for crime victims. Here in Denver, Colorado, for example, our Victims’ Services fund can pay for trauma therapy for someone who’s experienced a violent crime, which you most definitely have.
Thanks for sharing here.
I honestly hope I die in a sleep. I am 43 and I don’t want go on anymore. Life seems completely empty , just the survival element. Failure on all levels. What’s the point living empty life like that just get old sick and die anyways. Why not cut it short and don’t struggle.
I’m with you Derek! I feel completely the same way. I was “saved” over 30 years ago and gave been angry ever since . Why didn’t they mind their business and just let me go. It was my choice,my decision . But nooooo for whatever reason they chose for me . Forcing me to continue this bs life that I clearly did not nor do not want!
I feel exactly the same way. Just over 30 years ago I gave birth and immediately after they fought with me to give them custody (my so “loving” toxic parents) and I had enough I decided to go let them gave their way. But noooo they had to save me. I did not give them my child but they made sure to create as much difficulty for me to care for my child and myself as they possibly could. They had succeeded. Now they have created a wall between my son , his children and I. No relationship with them at all. My parents have been on drugs for my entire life and still. My son uses heroin but denies it. Since being shut out of my so called family’s life I chose to not be alone and miserable. I now am a user but opposite of heroin. I trust no one as they all lie to me. The pain is excruciating so I self medicate to cope with rejection. Everyone is a judge, of that from every direction is when I became a user. Nothing was good before I began so what’s the difference if I do now. I can deal with living in euphoria rather than total depression. It’s just me and my two cats, I speak to my next door neighbor, everyone in my past has changed drastically that I simply lost trust in the ones that are still alive. I recently had a birthday that only I acknowledged and that’s hurtful but my party favors helped me through to mask the sadness and kept the waterworks off. Everyday I make the wish of not waking up but my dreams don’t come true only the nightmares do. I gave up caring about what anyone’s opinion is ,I simply do not care. My “christian” mother is judgemental of EVERYONE, racist (I have zero tolerance for that), controlling, alcoholic, drugger and narcissistic. She sees no self wrong doing. My father is controlling, alcoholic, and to keep the peace just goes along with whatever my mother says. Though they don’t get along always and that is the only time they talk to me but will straight up lie to me and if they want me to do something for them like babysit the house that hurricane Katrina destroyed, to maintain the yard located in a dreary rural location that substance is necessary ,at least for me anyway. I am always here alone, it’s dark and depressing. They lay guilt upon me to make me feel obligated to them. They obviously care none about the state of mind or feelings they inflict, only what they do matters. I was told throughout my lifetime by mother that she wished I had never been born. Well the feeling is mutual. Though she says she loves me. LOL HAHAHA. She is a pathetic comedian. She is a few choice words that will not list but I will never regret choosing those words to describe her. I am confused about one thing, why is it that suicide is illegal? Shouldn’t life, if it’s your own, be your choice? I didn’t ask to be here.
I feel and love this exact comment, minus having a kid. I’m so sorry you have to do the same as I. Just to keep living. It numbs all for a bit. But a bit is sooo much better than not at all. But you are right ❤️,it gets us thru some very very difficult days months years
Yep
I am paralyzed from a previous attempt. I live alone. My mom died an awful death from Parkinson’s after helping me throughout what should have been a good life for her. I have a brother but we are not close and grew up on different sides of our family. My dad is also deceased but he and I were not friends. I have my mom’s first cousin helping me financially. I am on disability, Medicaid, and EBT. I am so ashamed of myself that it is hard to open my eyes to the world. My friends are lovely but tired of me no doubt. I want to succeed and redeem myself more than I want to regain my physicality. I just don’t know if I’ve got what it takes. I can’t be nothing. I need to end but it better work.
?,
Your despair is so palpable in your words. It pains me to read how much pain you’re in, and I know whatever discomfort I feel is a microcosm of your own. I’m so sorry you’ve suffered so much. One of the things I’ll never understand is why some people experience so much suffering. It’s not fair. I know, that’s a child-like statement, but I feel like a child in my dismay.
I wonder if you’re getting help for your mental health. Are you? If not, I hope you’ll try. You’ve been through severe trauma. There’s a quote I like: “Bear in the mind that the person who survives a suicide attempt has escaped attempted murder.” (That’s from John Maltsberger and colleagues, in the article Traumatic Subjective Experiences Invite Suicide. It’s typically behind a paywall, but one of the authors has posted it on ResearchGate.)
If you blame yourself for your suicide attempt, this post might be helpful: Do You Blame Yourself for Thinking of Suicide? It’s about suicidal thoughts but the messages apply to suicide attempts as well: You’re not to blame. Mental illness, circumstances, stress, trauma or other factors are to blame. Negative events and conditions are things that happened to you, not that you chose. And even if you did choose something that contributed to your attempting suicide, you had your reasons. Generally speaking, we’re all doing the best we can with the information we have available to us in the moment.
And of course you list many other losses and disappointments, as well as destructive self-talk and shame. Please, get help. You don’t actually need to redeem yourself, but even if you did, you can do more good alive than dead.
Please take a look at this list of free resources you can use by hotline, text, etc. I hope you’ll find a way to process your grief, better manage your feelings of shame and regret, and build compassion for your suffering self. And thank you for sharing here!
5 years ago, I was supposed to die and they said if I didn’t, I would remain in a vegetative state. But, no, instead, I got to fully recover and instead live through my children’s father and my partner of 22 years commit suicide, then watch my mom die of cancer, the day before my birthday last year. I have these 2 lovely darling grandchildren that my son and his wife apparently don’t think I’m good enough for. Of course he denies this, but it is how I feel. My adult daughter told me today that I’m no longer her mom. Granted she is overly dramatic and has said such things many times, just as she blamed me for “killing her daddy.” I literally go to sleep every night with “Let me die and not wake up” going through my mind. And I get up every day to the thought dang it I woke up. Only thing keeping me going is my sweet 16 year old son. He found his dad after he died and I just can’t do that intentionally to him again. He has always been sort of my rock, but he is transforming into the I’m too cool for my parents teenager and I won’t lie, that hurts. I just really feel like I have NOTHING left.
N – I won’t tackle your whole post, but I will debate this: ” I have these 2 lovely darling grandchildren that my son and his wife apparently don’t think I’m good enough for. Of course he denies this, but it is how I feel.” What I want to highlight about this short passage is your opposing your son’s denial and your feelings about the issue. Have you considered that your feelings about this could be wrong? Sometimes we dig ourselves into sad and bleak mindsets by believing the worst about ourselves or others, while those worst feelings might not actually reflect reality. One of my favorite philosophers about human nature wrote: “Don’t always believe what you think.” I think that caution might be especially true when it’s feelings vs. thoughts, since feelings are even more unreliable than thoughts. I hope you feel better.
I am weary of a world with no hope.
I agree
I’ve attempted suicide twice twenty and thirty years ago, obviously I failed at both. I know now that I’m not going to try again for fear of yet again another failure. Now I just sit and hope that I go to sleep and don’t wake up.
I also attempted suicide when I was younger, only to wake up with a pounding headache. Like yourself I’m just waiting for the day I don’t wake up. Can’t come quick enough.
I used to be very active, Hunting, fishing, SCUBA, play guitar, Wood carving and more. I was full of zest. A few years ago I got in a head on with a drunk driver. Three Back surgeries and more to come I can barely walk. I can walk to the bathroom or on good days I can walk to the mailbox but that’s it. I am in constant pain and have been that way since 2013. I am tired. If I didn’t wake up tomorrow that would be a good thing.
I am so so sorry to hear your circs , you are a true warrior to go through 3 back surgeries from an unexpected accident someone else caused , that robbed you of a life, mobility and all the hobbies that you enjoyed.
Livingman, I hope you come back to check your messages. Would you consider checking with functional doctor or naturopath to see if they could help you to relieve the pain. I know from a friend of mine who has fibromyalgia who finds taking Magnesium (Citrate or Malate) helps her muscle pain a lot – can get it in natural supplement store. In general, Magnesium is a relaxant which helps relieve pain, I take it for my migraine headache. Just wanted to share this but I am not a doctor, so perhaps to seek out alternate medical advice (mentioned above) may help your suffering. God bless. Lu
Most of my kids doesn’t have anything to do with me. I’m living alone @ 75 and have a hard time doing things for myself. I wonder why I’m trying to save money to give to kids that don’t give a chit. Why not sell house, get small motor home with a motorcycle trailer and get a trike motorcycle and enjoy what I’ve earned
John, I hear you. A friend of mine female in her early 70s. widowed and her only adult daughter who is well off and does not speak to her. The son-in-law is only interested to have her assets transferred to them. We discuss often how she needs to really spend all her money now while she can still walk, and set up her life as if no one would care for her. So I agree with you, just do what you need to do, find a or few companion, figure out aging care plan, and move forward. Motorcycle might be little too risky at this point (what if accident does not kill you, rather put you in constant care..? ). I feel for you, myself and all de-spoused friends. Take care God bless. L.
Why not? Go where you’ve always wanted to go and feel a bit of that old excitement. Your kids are grown and don’t need a parent anymore. Did you at their age? You are stuck in your own trap and there’s a big wide world waiting for you to discover it. Go have some fun, man. You’ve earned it.
I just want to die . The only thing I am scare about is that I will botch it and become dependant of other people . I hate even the thought of it .
My fear as well but talk to someone first as I did. Not completely out of it yet but it helps.
I wish I could die as well maybe tomorrow
Same everyday i hope to die
I feel the same… I don’t know if my problems or whatever there is in my life will change to even a little bit better but I am tired already. I can’t take this anymore. I want to fall asleep and continue sleeping peacefully… Forever. I just want all of this to end.
Im also tired, whats the point
The way I busted out laughing , while I was crying at this though ???? ???? not because its funny but because I can relate. The mere thought of surviving an attempt after botching it seriously keeps me alive.
You got it.
After at least 3 attempts the last one 2 years ago on the beach my doctor saved me after I called him while doing it. I had made a promise to him that I would not do it but I broke that promise.
He found me on the beach of course I really don’t remember but I woke up in the ER they gave me Narcan. The point is when I woke up there was my husband sitting by me and I realized I never want to see such sadness in his eyes. Although I still have those thoughts about dying my memory of that day and seeing my husband has kept me here.
I also have a great support team that I see so my good not great but I’m here.
Exactly! That would my luck too.
I’m in a lot of physical pain, so I can’t get into everything right now, but when I tried to contact the crisis text line, they treated me like, I don’t know… Crap. One of my triggers is not being listened to, I’d say it’s probably my biggest triggers. I told them everything that was going on and they acted like a robot and didn’t “hear” anything… Responding like they didn’t care at all. Just like every single other therapist I ever try, and every other person I ever talk to in my life. I pretty much don’t matter- and don’t try to tell me I do because at this point I really don’t not even to my own family. It’s a lot of fun and oh I’ve been trying to do is get help for so long and I lost hope a while ago, I just can’t do it anymore. ????
I had a therapist who actually even destroyed our patient/ doctor relationship by forcing me to sign a ridiculous contract which was nonsense and I knew it “bull”, illegal & she said she would call an ambulance on me if I didn’t and all because someone she didn’t even know called her and said I was going to kill myself which I wasn’t.
I was pissed – and i told her repeatedly to leave my house and that I was fine and I wasn’t going to sign this ridiculous self-harm contract nonsense because it didn’t make any sense and it’s not going to keep anybody from harming themselves in the first place and it’s not going to protect a therapist so it’s pointless- and that she was destroying everything that we’ve been working on, which really sucked for me because I had liked her so far which had never happened for me before.
I do not appreciate being backed into a corner. Anyway…. I’ve still never found a trustworthy place to call, contact, or anyone to talk to. They always treat me like garbage. ????
Years ago I told a psychiatrist I wanted to jump out of a moving car. I had made my mom come to the appointment with me so I could tell her too. At the end of the appointment he said everything sounded ok and he would see me in a month. My mom said I was never going back. Another one saw me for a year and didn’t pick up on the fact I hardly ever came out of the house. He heard it when my mom said it and she was angry, but not when I said it.
It pains me to read your story. I’m listening….
Standup look around there are thousands of us with the same ideology. We are the ones the military should be recruiting as none of us want to return from battle.
Absolutely, if only could get euthanasia easier.
I totally agree with you. I wish they had the Assisted suicide laws here in UK and Ireland i would sign up yesterday. Fed up with chronic spinal pain, copious amounts of GP prescribed medications/side effects and grieving the life and career i once had. Fully trained mechanic and body man. Now just a ghost going through the motions of immobility struggle and chronic pain. No family or partner just my dog and i say to myself why im i putting myself through this struggle everyday and getting physically weaker ? for who? for what?
I’ve said that for decades, especially when my mental health record kept me out of the military and a career
I just feel like a failure. Obviously I’m a failure in life if I just want to die all of the time. It sucks knowing that after a year, the people I’m close to would move on from my death. Especially sucks knowing the people who would be sad can be counted on one or two hands.
The worst part is I’m so much of a failure that I can’t kill myself. I don’t have the guts to. I’m such a fuck up that I can’t even kill myself. There’s no point to keep living, I can’t hurt myself, and I don’t want to live, I wish I could work up the courage and just do it.
I just keep praying every night that God could just let me die. I’m fine if that means going to Hell if it means I don’t have to be alive, at least I wouldn’t be a burden on anyone there and wouldn’t have to be here.
Would be bliss to have not been born is how I feel right now too.
I’ve been like this for past 6 years deteriorating day by day
The nine most terrifying words in the English language have me. The silver bullet scheme is a death sentence. I pray I die in my sleep every night. Self-serving suicide machines would be a nice change of pace. Life is meaningless in or out of the womb. I use to be a somebody. The government came to help. Now seeking assisted suicide. I qualify once terminal. The government took my 3 girls, 2 dogs, home, possessions, money, and hope. I didn’t even commit a crime. My death, can’t happen soon enough. I tolerate my life now. Never needed so much help to be a nobody. I will by 52 in October and hope that I don’t make it to 52 and a day. America can go straight to hell. 20 year middle school teacher… I regret reciting the pledge. Now I hope Putin mushroom clouds our fraud ridden nation. I dared be my own man in my own time. Fuck you America. You taught me well. The constitution is as good as toilet paper.
I too wish I was dead. I feel so alone.
I feel the same. I’m such a fuck up. I can never do anything right. I’ve been this way my whole life, except when I had my daughter. Now I have a new grandson. I want to be here for him. Which makes me feel worse cause I don’t want to fuck up his life. I don’t want him to know I’m fucked up. Most of my family is dead. I got a brother but I hate him. I do feel alone. So alone.
Hi Caroline i feel the exact same way daily. from Chronic back pain and nerve damage. When one has their physical and mental health life is great…taste the joy like. When that is taken away from you and you have to rely on other people thats the kicker. I wish we had assisted suicide laws here in UK and Ireland. Id rehome my dog who i love dearly as i live alone. And take my chances where the Fk i go after here whether it is heaven or Hell first. Because everyday here in my physical body and it disabled restrictions now is wearing me to the bone.
I am sick of pharma meds / side effects and just wasting away at home myself …for me this isnt living the best version of my life
I fully understand. Everyone has passed from either of or accidentally.my family is non-existent. I stay alive for my pets. But I’m 49 have a terminal disease and am just tired. Tired of living and tired of suffering being poor and depressed and anxious and knowing I have no future that consists of anything but more pain mentally and physically when this Disease takes full control. I dread every day and sleep as much as possible. In worlds that I travel to where I’m not in pain as much. But I wake up and I’m back in this body,this world,this existence. And in tired of suffering. I’ve tried everything In these years to change things. But nothing does. I understand when you say a year after I die or way less. Noone will care and none of what I’ve been makes or made a difference. Sleep is what takes the pain away for time periods. And I at times wonder if that’s my other lives in other dimensions. And that maybe one day I’ll have a better life. Just not in this plain,or world. Sorry if this post is depressing. Just know your not alone
I’m right there with you, Jeez that couldn’t be any realer. I have felt this way for so long, but I had little kids to care for. Well now they’re grown and moved on, I’m all alone. I had hoped that something would have come up and I could sacrifice myself and my boys could be proud of me and I can finally go, rest. I want so bad a situation that I can put my life on the line for others and just be done
I’m right there with you, Jeez that couldn’t be any realer. I have felt this way for so long, but I had little kids to care for. Well now they’re grown and moved on, I’m all alone. I had hoped that something would have come up and I could sacrifice myself and my boys could be proud of me and I can finally go, rest. I want so bad a situation that I can put my life on the line for others and just be done
I dont have the strength to live anymore .I have wished for death daily. There is no reason for me to live anymore .I am the devil that fucks up everything.40 years of ruining my most wonderful wifes life is enough .Kill me now please .She has not touched me in 3 years .My daughter has not spoken to me in a year. I do not want to live anymore .Kill me now !
Life does feel pretty lousy sometimes,I completely understand what you are saying,I have felt the exact same way you do right now for the last 20 years,been to sessions with various therapists but it seems they are all just reading from a script they learned,had medication and while it took away the negative thoughts somewhat it left me completely numb,no emotion no feeling towards anything. You can get through it and you will,there will definitely be people you leave behind that will be affected by your death for the rest of their lives,people care about you and depend on you even if you don’t realise it.
Change up your everyday life,try new things,eat different cuisines you’ve never had before ,cook those meals at home,learn another language,go travelling and see the world. The list is endless,that’s what I do,because in reality we aren’t here for really that long at all,in roughly 80 short years it’s all over, I still to this day have thoughts of dying all the time,my life is no where near perfect,but I acknowledge those thoughts as something that comes on a daily basis and then I just let them go.Break the cycle you can do this……..
Thanks will try.
I’m glad to hear you keep trying, despite the negative thoughts.
I feel like I’m so useless and pathetic as a person, but i have family who would care if i went too soon. I should feel glad about that, but when you have a depressive streak nothing seems to help. Ive phoned Samaritans a lit and they sure help (donated to them on my 60th) and ive refrained from calling them as there’s people in greater need.
I feel very alone.
Someone said i was always sad as a child.
People bought me 60th cards but i feel no joy.
I feel like I’ll always feel alone.
i can relate.
I wish the Government would change the laws and allow people who are in horrendous physical pain and suffering and also people who are in mental health suffering and want to finally call it a day on their terms . their decision, their informed choice, and they can do it at home in a dignified and peaceful manner.
All the government has to do is regulate genuine medication dosage and call to the patients home and write the script and let them pass away peacefully. Would cut out all these huge fees charged to travel to other countries for Euthanasia , when people have worked hard all their life paying taxes when they are healthy
Please somebody bring thus service to those who need it
I love that shit. “Talk to your friends, your doctor, your colleagues…”
I haven’t had a friend since I was 6, am 43 now, I don’t have a doctor because I have no reason for one, and I have no colleagues since I work from home. Alone.
So what the FUCK is this absolute optimistic BULLSHIT I see everywhere? I just want to pay someone to kill me.
me too but scared i’ll be found out somehow. several times a day and sometimes hour i desire it. can’t do myself. thought philosophically about the “selfish” debate and concluded it’s selfish to continue in misery for others to not end up mourning because the ones that matter most to you are the ones that mourn for your sadness and want your misery to end but just don’t know in a lot of cases the misery i’m going through just existentially being here.
just note to self: if happened then it’s self defense since one can protect oneself from another offing them so if the first knows the one could off the one then the one could off the one in self defense. all legal also.
i just keep posting to me. just keeping track of myself’s state. think purpose for all is eat or be eaten universally. all humankind. everything from dropping out alive. you either eat or die and feed the plants or animals or fish. that’s it till something gets learned and makes one feel there’s some other purpose. but, it still circles the main universal purpose of eat to live or be eaten. this all goes to surroundings and nurture but the one singular purpose will always remain. well, i’m no longer hungry but am not a good starvee. too bad for me.
Totally understand , am in same boat
Happy to be your friend till your wish comes true……have the same wish btw….
Hi anonymous, I know what you mean about that crap that we should reach out and talk to friends or loved ones, they just blow you off or say things like “I’m sorry” . Nothing more than that. I too have no friends and am isolated day after day. No one bothers to ask if I want to go for a ride or anything to get me out. My granddaughter moved in recently with her boyfriend and she has no respect for me. She talks to me like I’m some dumb fuck instead of the grandmother she once adored, she used to want to be with me every chance she could. I feel like I’m nothing to everyone. I feel like an intruder in my own apartment. When I express my feelings about things they threaten me by saying they’ll move out knowing it will break my heart. They have me over a barrel and I’m sick of it.
For real. I always hate all this. “Just remember you have friends, you’re not alone” crap – why do you think im SO depressed?! That’s a huge part of it. Lmfao.
i wish this madness would end
Im just tired of trying
yep, me too. I’m so sorry for your suffering
If you are the same L that keeps commenting on other people’s posts, you spread a lot of positivity. Are you a light worker?
I’m sorry for how you’re feeling, and I understand that feeling. If I had any guts, I would not be here right now. I wish daily that, since I woke up today, let this be my last day on this planet… and every day, I wake up again; alas, I’m still alive. This feeling is the normal one to have based on a person’s experiences or situations. I don’t know why there’s always the view from someone saying you can look here or there for help to get better. Get better? This is normal. What’s to get better from? Anyway, that’s just how I feel. I don’t condone suicide or anything like that, but I understand the hopelessness that can make a person wish for death, wish for the hopelessness to end. I understand.
I’m lying here wondering the best way to not wake up tomorrow morning. I have been diagnosed with RA, fibromyalgia and multiple other symptoms issues. It’s such a selfish thought as my dogs look at me, wondering if momma is going to play or lay on the bed. I’m not an open person with friends so I back off. I’m lonely and back away from people. Hurt to meany times to count. So many times. Maybe this will help maybe it won’t.
It’s 22:18 Saturday night, June 18, where I am. A tear is about to fall from my right eye that I’m struggling to hold back because my roommates are here with me, on their beds, trying to unwind after a long day. I wish there was some way to sleep and not wake up tomorrow morning.
Why?
Complete waste of time. Who the hell is going read this and say oh yeah makes perfect sense????
Got it, why continue, really? I don’t know other than I have an unloving wife that feigns overt care and concern for me but shows or certainly makes no effort to inconvenience herself and her otherwise hypochondriacal world she lives in to “engage” in life with me. Nonetheless, I wouldn’t want to leave them empty handed. I also have a wonderful 14 and soon to be 15 year old adopted daughter. Suicide would mess her up big time and it will be several years before she can mature enough to even begin to make her own way. Fact remains, they have a decent life insurance policy. And I often feel they would be better off with the money and me being an historical fact. I do understand. Certainly, that any form of suicide is a private, personal matter and hardly a public one. One thing is for sure, you have to make and “live” with your own choices. I wish you well.
You and I have a lot in common
Listen up all you “I would be ok without waking up tomorrow morning” people. I’m one of you… well most of the time. That is I was, until I’d read so many testimonials. Isn’t it obvious yet? We’re not alone. We’re not the complete fuck ups we thought we were. In fact, there is a huge portion of the population who feels exactly like we do. What do we attribute that to? Perhaps when we stopped being hunter-gatherers, we started comparing ourselves to the other harvesters in the new communities we’d built. Perhaps we crept further away from difficult human interaction as electronic interaction became more available. Whatever the cause, it’s clear we have pockets of people who have convinced themselves they are somehow inadequate or abnormal because they have nothing real or tangible with which to compare themselves. Hear me! Hear me! You are not abnormal or inadequate. You are experiencing life without a proper in-person support group: that dear friend who will have a beer with you while you relate how you were screwed over by a relationship or work contract; that best-of-friends who will witness your meltdown over the loss of your spouse. We are isolated by the very technology intended to connect us. Don’t succumb, don’t give up. Give time enough space to begin to heal your wounds.
Sadman, very well put, I agree with you. Thank you for bringing this up. I have been grieving for over one year now due to my beloved husband suddenly passed on, there have been very little in person contacts either from decades old friends, or newly acquainted ones. Even grief peer group and counselling are via zoom (online). So I have been literally very isolated. And I had to resort to online platform to have some little interaction. But this is not what I really need. It is the physical presence of simple caring, loving. so I believe it is not the pandemic, it is our hearts that have darkened, stop caring … and when any relating becomes simply transactional…. what one can get from it. How have we arrived here … we have allowed the global elites to brainwash us into destructive separation from inner selves and each other _ e.g. the Great Reset and its ultimate goal. So if you happen to see this post, please find a way to reconnect with someone, some people….. we are all beings created by the Divine, let’s try to bring a smile, give a helping hand, be physically there for someone. Here, with little still remains, a warm embrace and say I care ….. about your pain and suffering. May God/the Source bless you with love and peace….
Two people sitting on a bench, one is named Gerald, the other is silent…why?
Tom, your message is somewhat cryptic… so let me give it a try, without veering towards any literary or political, which I not know of. Is Gerald speaking, and the other is silent while sitting together….. ? Well, silence does not mean words are not heard, emotions are not felt….. The presence is sometimes the most precious …. being there for Gerald is what remains in the memory, even many years after. It is the energy of that instant, traversing between the two …. so precious, meaningful.
Or…. silence may be the tremendous peace of the waves gently brushing against the sand….. we are all part of the cycles of Nature, albeit in this machine world….
I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. I’ve felt this way since my early 20s, I’m now in my 60s and nothing has changed except I’m married with grown children.
I’ve been at the same job for over 35 years and I can’t talk to my family or friends about how I feel. They just ignore me and walk away or think it’s a joke when I say I would like to be dead. (Maybe not those exact words). I guess I’m looking for words of encouragement to get through the day, but get none. I feel like the biggest failure. I feel like I’m always making the wrong decisions. My wife tells me I have to make more money to take care of her father. I believe it’s the responsibility of her brothers and sisters, but she makes me feel bad about it and doesn’t seem to care about what I think. I’ve been called stupid and uncaring. I try to hide my emotions because I know no one cares about how I feel and if I was gone tomorrow a couple of people would cry for a few days then forget about me. So why am I still here. Please Lord take me home.
I just want this all to end. The pain, the suffering. I have felt this way for as long as I can remember now. Even when I am happy it always lurks around the corner. I tried seeking help. I tried talking to people. I tried going to a therapist. I tried antidepressants. I tried everything I knew to do and yet it still will not leave me alone. I have prayed countless times for this pain and suffering to leave, but it won’t. At this point I am getting so tired of fighting. I have tried seriously killing myself a couple of times. I have cut, hung, hit myself with a hammer. It only gives temporary relief. When my loved ones see the aftermath they become saddened. It makes me hate myself even more for being so weak. I do not want to take my own life, however, if I fall asleep tonight and never wake up I will not be sad. I only wish that my family would not be aggrieved. That is the only thing holding me back and stopping me from ending it all. It is the one thing that has stopped me from pulling the trigger.
I am on my way to receiving my medical degree. But I often question is this is the right path for me. I have desired this role all my life, but now that I am here it feels so lackluster. I have always wanted to help others and heal them from their pains and ailments. But how am I supposed to help them when I cannot even help myself? I have the grades, the knowledge, the understanding. However, I myself cannot find the solution to this disease that I have learned about. I know the protocols, the treatment, the resources. But what do I do when I know they do not help me? Sometimes I wonder if I should be hospitalized, but that will only ruin my hopes and dreams in being a health practitioner. I am unable to confide in friends and faculty despite my constant struggle of wanting to die, but having to stay alive. Classmates always stare and avoid me. As if they know that I am in disguise. That I do not belong. That I do not fit in. I tend to believe it. I try so desperately to appear happy. To appear normal. But even that is proving to be difficult for me. This mask of mine is wearing away. It is like ice melting, slowly being chipped away. I am no longer able to maintain this role of normalcy. I just want to die. I want to stop fighting. I want to stop everything and finally give in for good. I am getting so tired, so so tired. And I am all alone in my pain. As I should be. As it is meant to be. I cannot let anyone be more burdened or negatively impacted by my thoughts and actions. I need to be stronger. To become stronger. But I myself do not know how. I am simply applying tape to my open wounds which never seem to heal. They are constantly dripping, bleeding out all the sorrow I feel inside. It is only a matter of time before it floods me to the point of no return. I constantly wait for that day to approach.
All the time I feel like my head is barely above water. To the point where any second, any day I could sink and drown. And maybe that would not be such a bad thing after all. I dream of a life where I can be happy. I can feel happiness. But I do not think it will ever come. I constantly think about downing those pill bottles. I imagine it in my head over and over. I think about the knife slicing through my flesh. The release that it feels. How beautiful. How peaceful. How amazing it feels. Any outsider would think I am crazy. I have been told to pray about it. To stop thinking this way. To ignore it. To find the route cause of my problems. But what has this solved? Nothing. I have not been able to get past this stage. I am stuck in an eternity of pain and sorrow that I cannot escape from. I no longer remember a time where it was not a part of me. I no longer remember being free of this constant fatigue inside of me. The tiredness that comes from continuing to live. The exhaustion that occurs from persisting, fighting for a cause in which I view to be worthless. Oh how much I wish that you would not care. That none of you would. It would make things so much easier and peaceful.
I have been told countless times that I have nothing to be depressed about. How great of a life I am currently living. How I doing so great in life. If that is so true why does this pain and emptiness keep overflowing and encompassing me throughout everything I do??? When I ask for help, they ask me how they can help. If I knew that answer I would have saved myself long ago. I do not know how to fix this feeling that grows inside me. I do not know how to rid myself of these constant vile thoughts. These thoughts that never cease. I just want everyone not to be sad when I die. Is that too much to ask for? Can you please just let me go? I am not worth it. I never have been. If you only knew my thoughts you would be disgusted. You would be angry. You would be sad. You would be frustrated. But I do not want that to happen. I cannot let you feel that way. I cannot let you experience any of the pain that I am feeling on a daily basis. So for now I will keep fighting this relentless battle. Living, but never truly being alive.
If only I was never born. If only I was dead. If only…
I feel your pain, your struggle and your desperation. I too, am contained within a ‘perfect’ situation where I should want for nothing but yearn for solace.
I have a plan which gathers dust till the moment presents itself… until then, I offer you an embrace to let you know you’re not alone, my friend.
I know how you feel! Waking up in pain everyday and not having anyone that cares about you. At least you have loved ones, I have no one. Even at work, everyone gets tired of hearing me being in pain! So they just walk away and ignore me which is worse cause that is when you need others to help! I hate myself and my own brother even told me I ought to kill myself cause no one loves me. Talk about being in pain?? That is bad and makes it worse knowing no one cares if I did. I am 57 and feel my body turning to dirt, am tired all the time! What’s the point after being told to do it, and already wanting to anyway. It hurts
Catwoman, I send you love and embrace. If you are still here, then the sun shines for you too…. for God/the Source created you …Possible to do one thing that is kind for yourself everyday, smile and send out a wish prayer to the Universe/God/theSource.
Getting voluntarily hospitalized will NOT prevent you from becoming a health care provider. Being dead will. Living in a state with licensing requirements incompatible (and therefore illegal) with the ADA can make licensure a bitch. But, if you have sought help because you need it, you will not be penalized. I’m a physician in MA with a recent voluntary psych hospitalization. I just renewed my license answering every question honestly, AND, without relying on loopholes, did not disclose my hospitalization. In MA, and in increasingly more states, the medical boards want to know whether you practiced while so depressed you were not giving safe care, and a supervisor made it a shitty disciplinary thing- vs a “here are the FMLA forms. I’ll help you find a bed, and ensure you’re paid during your treatment and have a job to come back to. Its not a crime to be depressed. Or to not know that it could impact your delivery of safe care. Its a crime ONLY to continue to care for people if you’re intoxicated while doing so or to keep working once you’ve been told you need to care for yourself first because your depression (or anxiety or alcohol etc). Depression sucks. And it lies.
Ketamine, psilocybin, ECT, and unexpected meds: doxycycline, NAC (yeah, mucomist), namenda, wellbutrin+Dextromethorphan.
Don’t die because depression is an asshole. YOU are a human. YOU are NOT an asshole.
Stacey, you wrote, “You also might want to see a doctor to make sure there’s no physical condition, like depression… that’s triggering thoughts of death.”Can you provide your readers any citations to biomedical publications providing hard evidence of a causal relationship between neuropathology or another medically identifiable biomedical state and depression? It seems to me that the hypothesis is being promoted that suicidal ideation is caused by aberrant physiology which can be medically identified and reliably treated. I want to make sure I’m not misreading you.
I think it’s also important to differentiate between clinical psychology and clinical medicine. Many lay people when reading the term “clinical” assume the latter. While the former postulates different causes of depression, these are often vague, conflicting even among specialists in the same discipline, and open to practitioner interpretation. Clinical medicine, as far as I understand, does not recognize any coherent biological etiology of the condition termed depression. Without this, the discussion raised here changes significantly–from one of addressing medical pathophysiology to something far more … culturally amorphous. Thanks for clarifying.
I don’t want to be alive anymore. I’ve tried everything and nothing helped. I even failed at trying to die.
I get it. Foster black kid x marine divorced with masters and wish to not wake up each night plus i hate the states.
How I wish I was never born, I didn’t ask for any of this, I didn’t want to experience this. I can’t bear all this, hindi ko na kaya at hindi ko na kakayanin pa.
I want to die too. I just want this to be over. I cannot take this pain anymore.
Yea, everyday I wish I could die. Living with BPD sucks and now this whole Amber Heard thing has people looking at me like a pariah. Last year I tried and was nearly successful. I remember coming back, and not being grateful but sad, I lived. Still trying to go on for my mother, but that’s all that is holding me here. If I could die by passive means, I welcome it.
I hope tomorrow never comes
I guess want to write details of how sad I am but what’s the point even writing this? My life is gone and it’s not coming back. Fucking pathetic
I feel the same way. I hate life and most of the low life’s in it. I hate my job my financial status and the fact that this anxiety is getting to me. I hate people think they have it all.
I am tired of being here. I made a huge mistake many years ago when I divorced my husband. I was too young to understand that marriages have hills and valleys.
I hate my life. I am trapped in a place I hate. I have no resources.
After the divorce, I earned my medical degree, my mother died, and my ex-husband moved to another state.
I was terrified of being alone. I remarried. I don’t love him. After we married, I learned that every single thing he told me about himself was a lie. He cheated. He screams at me. He spent all my money. He is a hoarder–I hate dirt. I hate where we live, but he will not move. I cannot leave because I have multiple system atrophy. It’s terminal, but it is taking much longer (years)to die than I was told. My husband enjoys being the “martyr” that takes care of me. I am a prisoner for need of health insurance.
I wish God would hurry up. My children don’t need me. They are grown; have families. They don’t like my husband; I rarely see my children because they find my husband so offensive. Life is nothing without my children.
I only got to work for 7 years. I am not sure it was worth leaving my husband.
I want, so much, to take too much medication, but I won’t. I am too afraid of not taking enough and being left in a vegetative state.
I am desperate for peace. I miss my parents and grandparents. I want to feel their arms around me.
I wish this MSA would do its job and free me.
Celeste, you were fearfully and wonderfully made by God. God doesn’t make mistakes. You are beautiful in His eyes. I don’t know if you are a Christian but His words are very powerful and comforting. If you have a bible, I have found the Psalms and Job to be especially encouraging through my darkest times of depression. I would love to tell you more…
God doesn`t make mistakes, yet he allows us to, why????
Oh please! If there is a god he surely does not care.
WELL SAID.
I’m sorry you are sick. Maybe a different doctor is in order. Would your kids help you out of your current living situation?
I am at my wits end with all this anxiety
I am tired with living with so much sadness regrets and guilt but cannot end my life as that would hurt my kids too much I know as I’ve tried and they have not long lost there older brother.but if I was just to die I think they could deal with that so that’s what I hope for every day
I totally understand you! I think about suicide a lot, and make plans but deep down I know I won’t go through with it because I know that it would really hurt my 4 children and my husband. But at the same time all I can think about is they would probably be better off without me because I’m not even being a good mother or wife in the first place and I have nothing good to offer to them anyways!
I have a spouse, and 4 kids. Spouse could care less if I was gone tomorrow, with the exception of how it might effect the kids. The oldest child is working a lot and has a life of his own, he is 27. The next is getting ready to go in the armed forces and is barely around as it is also life of his own, he is 18. The girls are twins and are always taking the side of my spouse, so no matter what I say or do it gets rubbed in to my face unless someone wants something from me. Then I am ok in their eyes. I have epilepsy, also a leg amputee, I just lost my grandma which is the one person I knew for sure loved me. So I don’t really have much left, always told how lazy I am and how my spouse wants a divorce. At least twice a week or more. And when I am getting chewed out, I just take it because I don’t want to make it worse. And the D word gets thrown around at least 8-10 times during a conversation. I am told that I try for about a week or so then, I stop trying, but the trying is always one sided. So if I go to sleep and not wake up not much of a loss for the family.
Having to live with your brother who constantly ridicule among the mental and verbal abuse. Been this way ever since I was s teenager! I’m the youngest at 57 and have no one else in the world that cares! He wouldn’t care and even told me at one time that I should commit suicide! And if I am hurt or in an accident, to not go to him! So I have a good reason to not want to ever wake up again! People at work just say go out and do things, that won’t help when your in this much pain! No one gets it! All they say is if your depressed all the time, then no one will want to be around you! So be it! That makes it worse and more isolating. I would rather die than live in a prison which this is! I am a middle aged orphan in a cage
I too just want it all to end, I left an abusive relationship and I’m now living with my sister and brother in law with my dog who I love very much, they tolerate our presence and I no longer feel welcome, however I’m frightened of being alone with just my dog and my thoughts are that if I died at least my sister would take good care of her and she’d be better off without me.
I feel nothing but shame, hated by my family, all my closest friends have died. My sister who was the world to me lost her battle with cancer over 6 years ago. And to me it feels like 6 minutes ago. I use to be very successful and had my own design business over 25 years. I raised my son alone, his father was very abusive to me. My son & I had a great life full of joy and happiness. Then something happened when he turned 17. He hated the sight of me and left home and moved in with my younger sister who has never had kids and loves to party a lot.
Fast forward to today my son is 34, I’m 66. He still hates me. I do everything I can to tiptoe around him so I can be apart of his life. I have apologized thousands of times, for things I have no clue what I did. He has 2 beautiful kids that I cherish with ALL my heart. 3 years ago I just couldn’t do it anymore. I thought maybe I will just leave him alone and maybe he will come to me. I was wrong. I have not heard from him, nor do I get to see or hear from my grandkids. I’m so heart SICK I can’t stand it anymore. I am totally and utterly broken. None of my family will have anything to do with me. I lost everyone and everything I loved in my life. EVERYTHING IS GONE! Including my business and my beautiful home. I had to move in with my mother and her boyfriend who both hate me being here. My mom is always cutting me down. She tells me I am the cause of everyone’s problems. She screams at me constant. I try to avoid her at all cost. I am SO ASHAMED of myself I can’t stand it. I can’t believe one person (me) can be such total garbage. I have been planning my end for awhile now. Things got so bad with my mom I went and lived in my car for a week. That was my deadly sinking point. I did have my gun cocked and to my head many times alone in my car. I am a total FAILURE. I couldn’t even do that. I leave everyone alone because I’m a subhuman. I do not belong ANYWHERE! I’m so embarrassed that this is what I have become at the end of my life. I had to come back to my mom’s, because I have no other place to go. She can’t stand the sight of me. Neither can I. I cuss God every night. I want to know WHY WHY! WHAT did I DO to deserve this?! Why he took my sister who was loved by all, and had so much to live for. I have none of that. She was/is solid gold! I have tried endless possibilities and ideas to get myself out of my situation. EVERYTHING I have tried..I FAILED. So I would move onto the next and over and over again..same thing.
I have read, listened and went to all kinds of counseling for years. I’m done with that also. If you have to PAY someone to listen to you, your wasting your time and money. They DO NOT really care. Your just a paycheck. I’m not sure how much longer I will continue..
I do NOT feel a damn bit sorry for myself. I feel I deserve punishment. But I didn’t think it would be forever.
I really am sorry for your deep pain. For us that understand that kind of pain, know you are not alone and we understand and we care. If you can do or say one thing to help another human being your life has value. Good luck.
You don’t have to pay anyone to listen to you. I hear you. You are important, and your message helps me with perspective. I often wish I wouldn’t wake up in the morning. But I do, and I have an impact on those around me. I almost went the route you’re talking about… I had my gun, I had my plan. I met with my family doctor and told her, point blank: I’m going to kill myself because I’m all done with this crap. She took it seriously and got me connected with quality counselling. A cynic will say, we’re just a paycheck. I get that. But get over that and listen and participate: it’s hard as hell! Face those demons, admit your failures and mistakes, then hear what your counsellor says. You’ll find you are in the majority, not a one-off loser. We have all screwed up mightily. It is the human experience. We are imperfect to the point of humor! I could tell you stories of my screw ups that would curl your toes with laughter. Be at peace for a time, Catnip. You matter. I’ve heard you. You have as much value as I do in this world and it would be a tragedy for you to end your journey prematurely.
I wish I died in my sleep I pray to God every night please let me die in my sleep
Randy, many people wish that also. Have you figured out the source of your suffering yet? Can you possibly do anything about it or improve your current predicament ? My mother have long indicated she prayed to God to pass on in her sleep, this was granted decades later at a mature age. She transitioned in during her brief coma. I guess, there could be two: an eventual death and the now. What do you see could improve your present? If you are still young, the statistics are still on your side, you could potentially have your current situation changed, and you may meet some one or people special …. Though nothing is guaranteed, would it be worth best efforts? If you are older, then aging issues can complicate …. Either case, we do not have the ultimate control of our lives, but we can try to be good, kind and make efforts. Perhaps we can stay close to God/the Source as much as possible, as we move along this earthly journey – that is so atrociously difficult for many of us…. In short, I am praying as you do – to never wake up and ask for guidance at the same time, that is all I know what to do for the time being. Please take care, the fact that I respond to your post is meant to show you that there are people out there who do care about others, perhaps one day you can also do the same for another living being. Send you love. Lu
Me too, I guess that is a common thought.
I do the same.
Me too
if it was easy i would have done it two min ago
Domenik, please stay…. for one more minute, another hour, another day……Please see what is that gives you a smile, keep that in your mind, and go towards that ……may be that is the clue for hope…. just prayed for you. You are loved. Lu
I have had enough .
Austen, I feel the same. Everyday I pray to God/the Source to let me return to the spiritual home soon. Yet there are a few things I still to complete; so I give myself a timeline for now…. and ask God to guide and allow me to go home . I guess trying to complete what I am supposed to … not seeking for my own desire or dreams….. on this earth, rather more living because there may be a reason God still wakes me up every morning. This is hard … but it is what I am trying to do now. Send you love and prayer here. Lu
R u ok ☺️
?
What if there isn’t anything to put in a hope box, and you’ve lost hope
Anonymous, Just to let you know your thought is very real and painful….. I have been thinking about it too …….. – not much has come up for me, except that I have this vision of this box, what makes up your hope box ? Would they be values that shape this box? Can you make a different shape of hope box? It may seems I am talking abstract – really it is not. Are there windows along the sides of this box, or is it even a box? What are the core values that can form this hope box of yours? I know all these Qs can be so tiring …… Me too, I am tired, but again perhaps I am older than you. In short, possible to make a new hope box/whatever and see if new hopes can now fit in there for you…. Sorry this is best what I can come up with. Send you love and prayers. Lu
My soulmate passed away. I feel fractured. It was so sudden. He was my home in a person after a lifetime of pain. For the first time in decades, with him I felt alive. Not just existing. And I had hope for the future. I honestly don’t see the point anymore. I’ve struggled with depression and suicidal ideation my whole life. When he found me, all that went away. I found peace in his unconditional love. We never had much time. I feel like I want to just let go. Be with him. It’s a pain like no other to have the other half of you no longer physically present. I don’t know how to do it without him.
🙁 my heart is breaking reading your story HisGirl. I don’t know what I can even say to you as I’m crying reading it. I’m so sorry for the cruel circumstance you find yourself in. Please don’t rush to finish life so soon. You sound like a great person and the world needs more of you.
Please don’t leave
I’m reading this article at around 3am and crying my heart out. I just wish I could sleep and never wake up or take the whole can of sleeping vitamins and then have a peaceful death. I’m only 13, but I’ve already gone through a lot. I lost a friend I thought I could trust, I make my brother upset and cry on accident a lot, and I just mess up everything. I love my friends, especially one person, but I feel like a fucking burden and already know they’ll be more happy without me in their lives. Same to my family. None of them know I feel like this about myself, and I’d like to keep it that way. None of them would probably understand. My brother, only 11, might. But I just don’t wanna tell anyone cause I know they’ll worry about me and like I said, I’m just a burden and a waste of life. So why stay alive? All my problems would disappear and everyone in my life would have one less thing to even worry about. God, I feel selfish for typing this cause everyone else has it worse than me. And all I’m doing is ranting to a random website.
You are not alone.
Yes im utterly alone
thats sounds somewhat similar to how i felt recently, so i’ll try to give you advice. firstly try to change your mindset if you can since when you “feel” depressed for reasons you may start to do and think things that will make it much worse and also if you dont trust your parents (i have the same feeling) try to talk to friends, its better not to keep it in, and try to find to something to at least temporarily relieve stress and find joy in life so you might distract yourself
13…you are beautiful smart and very important..I imagine your brother loves you very much ..what would you say to your brother if he came to you with same thoughts? My teenage years were a struggle as well…I got through it now I’m stronger…as you will be ..I don’t know you. But I sure do care.that u are alive.
You have every right to feel like this, just as much as anyone on here…pain is pain!
I’m a couple of years older than you but remember that bitter sting well….I hope you can find your peace, A…..
I’m 53 and caring for my mentally ill daughter and 5yo grandaughter. Im becoming hopeless fast. I can barely afford rent. My car keeps messing up. Im tired. I am becoming hateful and bitter and wish it would get better or end. Im terminally ill but don’t want to seek treatment (its curable) because I’m hoping it will kill me sooner rather than later.
Dear Jen, I feel for you, it sounds so hard. Please say to yourself that God loves you no matter how bad current situation is. And take the time to walk around, by the water, in the nature if possible. The daily hardships is there, but perhaps just one or two hours a day, keep it for yourself, be in the sun, watch the birds and look at some flowers, to give yourself some relief. I am also going through very difficult period in my life, and experience rather depressive day to day living. I am still here only to complete some responsibilities. So please accept a warm hug from me, and know that there are always some people who hear your pain, and care. Lu
Hi, l have severe Depression and Anxiety and l have suicidal thoughts quite a lot, l feel so Trapped in this life in a location that l don’t like living in! Am long term unemployed with no friends anymore at 41! No one can help me anymore! I live with my Brother but he is so hard to live with! I want to Die but am scared of being in pain!
I’m in the same situation. I have to live with my brother and his wife and I don’t get along with them at all! The house is very small and I feel like a middle aged orphan! No friends and single. It hurts
I know your situation quite well. I live with my sister and her husband. Not a very good living situation. Not good for the mental health either!
Yeah it’s bad for your mental health and physical too. They take over the house and shove me in a small bedroom for me and my cat. Its like foster home for middle aged people. I own half of this house but my brother is in control of everything! I work 6 days a week to get away from them. I was working 5 days but they are retired and home all day! No wonder I want out! I’m stuck in a dark tunnel.
Maybe the pain of a wife who rips your heart out. All the talking in the world can’t heal this heart. I wake up every day wondering why and feeling empty and hollow. I want to die. But to much of a coward to get a gun and blow my head off. I don’t know why I’m saying this maybe to correct this site because not every thing can be okay just by talking.
Dear Kenneth, pain from our loved one can indeed be so great that we feel it cannot be healed. Have you ever thought how it would feel if we loose your truly loved one/ soulmate? It sounds like you are still with your wife. Please consider this: if she is not your true love, then perhaps separating is worth to be considered to spare yourself further pain. Yet please remember the reason why the two of you got married in the first place. If there is still hope, than going for councelling together may be worth while. I can tell you that loosing my beloved to God is a far greater pain than ever. So try to think and work out your emotions, and see if there is still any possible reconciliation. Time is never on our side, before we know it, someone looses his/her beloved and the pain would be too great to bear. Take care and wish you all the best. Big hug to your courage to walk this path called Life. Lu
Been there, done that bud. Many years on, I can tell you from experience, it gets so much better. You’re in the worst place right now… looking back is all sunshine and smiles, but it wasn’t. Looking forward is a big grey fog. But in that fog is tomorrow… perhaps the woman who makes you realize your ex wasn’t the love of your life. Perhaps there is no woman waiting, but a satisfying life of independence. You owe it only to yourself to find out. I had a gun ready when my wife left me. I was done. There was no future. Nothing mattered anymore. Ask me now. My new wife is worthy of everything I can give her. My ex-wife is now a memory: no anger, no sadness. But it took time, man… time to heal, time to re-center, time to disconnect from the complete commitment to her. Hang in there bud. As trite as it sounds, time does heal all wounds. I swear to God it does.
I have ADHD ADD and ODD… Some of my parents call me lazy and I will admit I am a little lazy but not as much as they say it’s that I don’t notice many things and i’m clumsy I feel like a burden to most people and most of my parents “have a talk with me” when i “f*cked up” and it doesn’t make me think of the things i did and how they were wrong it just made me feel bad (i feel like i should die, i feel like i’m not good enough, etc) when i’m angry some of my emotions get a hold of me, and the more i get punished then the more i get more angry and my parents say i can control my anger and i do try to but there is only so much anger and emotions i can control i take medications and they just have more side effects (ADD ADHD ODD meds) and less working stuff i do not fear death just the process of it and that is somehow making me not “doing it” and i’m trying to tell my parents but i don’t want to tell my dad cuz last time i was being truthful to him he says “your feelings don’t matter” and a long time ago we were talking about me and it hit me when he says “no wonder why i f*cking drink” and in the morning my step mom brung it up cuz i heard my dad sounding he was wasted and i asked her and she says “YA CUZ YOUR PROBABLY THE ONE WHO MAKES HIM WANT TO DRINK” i held back my emotions untill i head to my room and cried into my pillow and i’m a trouble maker cuz of some of my “friends” cuz I feel like i make them happy and i do self harm rarely
I am so sorry to hear this. It sounds like you’re in a lot of pain. I know how difficult it is to live with your own pain and to struggle with emotional regulation and anger management and to also have to look after/protect your parents from your own pain because they are not equipped to help. It feels really lonely and only deepens the hurt and pain.
Have you been able to speak to a therapist? I’ve tried on and off for a long time and I’ve had some damaging experiences recently but I’m going to try again. I just want someone to help me. Maybe a therapist who can understand and is trained to listen and validate your feelings will help you as well?
sending hugs.
I had a therapist fall asleep during my visit to CODAC. I told them what happened, and they started to treat me badly. I don’t know if I’m just a target for harassment or what. The stupid nurse injured my arm taking blood. Didn’t even get an apology. Had to wipe with my left hand for about a week. Try that sometime. Then they gave me a ‘coach’ that told me how I could use helium to off myself. Some coach, right? Ultimately, I tried to use a garbage bag after they overmedicated me. then they swatted me and had me locked up for ‘observation’. no one even talked to me in lock up after i was promised that someone would. NEVER TRUST Mental health ‘professionals’.
Jason, I looked up reviews for CODAC and, you’re right; most reviews reveal that they are miserably incompetent and uncaring. However, I wouldn’t give up on the whole mental health profession because of them. Keep searching for good treatment and you’ll find it. Don’t give up, please.
I HATEE SCHOOOL EVVERDAY ITS TIRING AND IK THAT I SHOULD BE GRATEFULL CAUSE I HAVE FOOD AND A HOME AND I AM A LOT BUT IT GETS TIRING AND DEPRESSING WHEN U FEEL ALONE AT SCHOOL AND HOME.. AND NOT ONLY THAT BUT I HAVE TO KEEP GOOD GRADES AND KEEP MY PATIENCE WITH PEOPLE. I’m just mad at myself and the world, and mostly my parents for creating me
I hate school too. All the work and the expectations, it’s so much, every time I have to start a new week I cry myself to sleep. And the fact that you showed up should be enough but it’s not, on top of that you have to study and do the work and each page feels like a thousand deaths. Urgh oh how I wish I wasn’t born like this, my mother is a witch so is my sister all they do is expect me to fail. I wish I could never wake up. I wish I could meet a billionaire who could lock me up in his house, anything but this…
Strange I’m on this page because I feel sad. I’m also thankful for everything I have in life. I see your post and it reminds me of how I felt when I went to school. It makes me want to help you. I wish I had the magical answer to take away your sorrow and mine. I’m in my 50’s now. Ironically I have had these feelings my entire life. So since your still young and can have a chance to live your life better than I did mine. I would say do what you love and while you’re doing that there will be someone there that loves the same thing you do and if anything a friendship awaits. Take care of yourself, I planned on not making it to this age . Here I am . Didn’t plan didn’t save and I hate my job. The world has changed and I really hope whatever makes us feel sad goes away. So I pray and I’m here another day. Maybe just to write this note to let you know. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!!! I used to write in capital letters when I was younger because I was angry at someone or something. Maybe your mad about something someone said or did . Idk ☮️
Last year I had all my pills out ready to go. I’m such a failure that I didn’t even go through with that. I am 42 and have zero purpose in life and have accomplished nothing. My marriage is a mess, my kids are a mess and everything is too much. I just want to pass peacefully in my sleep. Be done with this world and so called life. Everyone on the outside thinks my life is perfect. But i am worthless. Off to take another nap and hope this one lasts forever.
Pills don’t work I tried
Feeling lonely, empty and lost, and it hurts to think that most of my life might be in front of me. Just turned 30 a few days ago and the idea that I could feel this way all the rest of my years, hurts. This is not a constant pain, I’ve had good days and bad days, but I’ve had a few times in my years that I’ve had bad days for too long. And on top of feeling bad for my reasons, I feel bad because I think it’s for ridiculous reasons, since I think other people really have reasons to feel depressive but they keep fighting instead. I’ve lost people close to me since I was a kid and my mother 10 years ago. I have accepted it and believe that she is in a better place, but all I wanted now is to be next to her. I think about suicide very often, but couldn’t do it because of my sister and brother both married and with kids. Couldn’t do this to them. But if it wasn’t for them I think I wouldn’t be here anymore. I am introverted, but not afraid of communicating with anyone, and I make friends easily, but I rarely find a real connection that I feel is worth (for me) to keep in touch or to spend time with them that would benefit any of us. If a friend needs me I am all hears, and I think they would be there for me too, but I feel I would be annoying them all the time with the same broken heart problems. And that is where I think my (non) problems start: I can’t have a healthy relationship. I am the classic example of the universal law: I am not interested in the people there are interested in me, and the people that I am interested in are not interested in me. And for at least two times, this one being the second, I fell hard for someone that cannot love me back leaving me with this empty feeling inside me, without the ability to distract myself with things that I used to love to do and to concentrate on the things that really matter for my future that I know it can be full of possibilities and blessings. And feeling abandoned even from God that I’ve been praying and thanking so much for all the good things that He has been giving me.
Jose, I am a lot older than you. I hear you pain. Hang in there. If you wants to experience true love, then ask for that to God/the Source. This is how mine came into my life in my late 20’s. So you lots of time, but keep your heart pure. My love lasted 30 years until he passed onto the spiritual realm. And if you do find your love, please remember to cherish her and love her well. Time is very short, years go by as in a flash, and before you know it, one is in deep grief for the loss of earthly love. So there is the enormous pain that comes at the end of it all. After that, love takes on more spiritual dimension since it really does not die. Despite my pain now, I would not have exchanged it for any other transitory love. So hang in and first ask yourself if you are up for this heroic journey, meeting your soul mate, best friend, and partner in this earthly life time. You will know this is the right one, since you both will be fully committed to it and if feels natural and right. Take care. God bless. Lu
Hi, Lu.
Thank you so much for your kind words.
I am sorry that your love has passed away, but I believe he is in a better place and you’ll see him again.
All I’ve been asking the universe/God is to guide me and put the right people in my path, but that is not happening. All the people I’ve been crossing paths with have always been temporary, where I am hurting them or getting hurt and after a while, it seems we are strangers again. I am trying to learn and teach all I can with everyone I meet but the relationship where things feel “natural and right” is simply not happening.
Again, thank you and God bless you.
Jose, you still have time. Be patient, and live the right way, with love, kindness, truthfully and intelligently. And please think about God and ask what would God like you to act in your daily lives. This is not to say our lives would work out to what we wish for sure. But it is worth to try, at least we can say that we have lived according to the highest principle. If hell ever breaks loose then, we at least cannot blame ourselves, for we have done our best to our abilities. How do we know the Divine exist? Just look at the flowers, animals, day and nights – where do they really come from. Their precise designed patterns are also amazingly strange …..and almost always remain the same for each type. Please give more time to your life, and allow blessings come into your world. Lu
My mind always say I don’t deserve to live.
Hang in there. You do deserve to live and better days will come. Keep going.
I just want to die tonight. I want to sleep and never wake up. Life sucks and I had wanted to walk in front of a train since I have been 7. Everday of my life since 7 has been filled with thoughts of wanting to die, my fatness and ugliness and stupidy. My husband and I work so hard and nothing ever works out. I am despondent and pray nightly for God to take me. And now I have to understand He doesn’t even want me. I wish I never went to the hospital when I had a heartattack. I would be dead by now. My life is worth nothing to anyone and I am plagued by being fat, ugly and stupid among many other things. I have also been a broken person since being little and I have no peace. God please take me tonight. Why can’t He answer yes. I have no impact on anyone. My kids hate me they won’t care. My parents love me but I don’t think they even like me. My spouse will recover. I am a third or fourth thought to anyone, so who would miss me. My efforts in this world have failed and I am a despicable person who doesn’t need to live anymore. Please God, bring me home to heaven.
Hello Friend,
I have felt the same as you from 7 also. I was molested by a girl a year older than me in second grade. Then not long after that we moved and everyone in that school bullied me. All the way thru middle school. My bullies called me ugly. Teased me about be small chested in 6th – 8th grade. So with that I was brutal to myself about my nose and teeth. Which after getting braces at age 48, it corrected the under jut of my jaw which made my nose look too big. But I prayed my entire life too to die. When I was 16 I took a bunch of pills to kill myself but I was afraid of going to hell so I told my Mom who had me stick my fingers down my throat to throw them up…then my Mom committed suicide 3 years later. It wasn’t until I married my Husband when I was 39 when I started to gain confidence in myself. It was because of him…he died 4 years ago. I am a broken person. I moved in with the guy I dated before my Husband. I was lonely. And I thought I still loved him. I do love him, but not in a girlfriend/wife sort of way. I don’t know if I can love anyone like that again. My Husband was one in a million. Now I just want to live long enough for my dogs and cats to live a full life(they are all 7) and fall asleep and die too. The 23 years with my Husband and most of high school were my best years. I consider that a full life…for me. We weren’t able to have kids. My parents died at 39 and 56. My Brother at 50. My only sibling left hates me and so does his Son. None of my Family really cares because they are all wrapped up in their own kids and Grandkids lives. I just want him to bring me home to my Steve and passed Family too…including 4 miscarried babies. I’ve told my boyfriend I don’t want a viewing or a service at a church or funeral home. Just a brief prayer at the grave site as I don’t think there will be anyone there anyway. I hope one day we will meet in Heaven where I can give you a hug and say we’re home…until then, my thoughts and prayers are with you my 7 year old friend.
Deb!
I truly love you!! Please know my heart hurts for you and i wish you were here! Id make you some nice hot tea, put on healing music and pray with you… i dont know you but i CARE!!! I have depression so i totally get this… write me back….
Deb!
I truly love you!! Please know my heart hurts for you and i wish you were here! Id make you some nice hot tea, put on healing music and pray with you… i dont know you but i CARE!!! I have depression so i totally get this… write me back….
I’m 60+years old,never married,no (human) children-convinced I’ll die alone,an old maid.
Apparently,the only relationship I’m good ‘enough’ for, is to be somebody’s else’s transition.
My mom died ten years ago (12/26/2012) after a long and difficult illness leaving my Dad a widower.
Thankfully,he’s healthy with an active social life/hobbies. I have a younger sibling,happily married with his own family,recently celebratingthe arrival of his first G-baby (my Niece) and soon my Nephew’s wedding. My Dad, does help me, I love him and am so grateful for him and his love and support. . …. I have few (married) friends that have either moved out of state or just very busy with their own families. Church?? There’s all types of social activities for Couples,Families,Children,Youth,Young Adult,Moms,Mens,Women’s (again majority are married& grannies with kids), And finally there are the various Support and Recovery groups. But there’s absolutely NOTHING available for the older (Baby Boomer-never married) Singles!!!
Where does that leave me? The odd one out on the outside fringes!! .And yet, I wish it were me that died instead of my mom. That way Dad would still have the love of his life to grow old and enjoy life and the G-kids with..
Dear Tess, I relate to your pain and suffering, and I can hear your crying. Most of the society do not care about single older people, and often they are women, since they have longer biological age. I share same aloneness and loneliness as you. Sometimes even old friends are no longer, we can very easily have grown apart. I lost my life time love, best friend and soul mate recently, and now finding decade old friends (they are single)not wanting to spend some time with me. I have asked for their support, and it seems everyone is very much interested in his/her affairs only. This me that is in pain, depressed is too much for them to be around. Over the years, at different points, I have given my support and love. So I am in my pain alone. What can I do? One thing I do is every morning, I pray to God/the Source and talk to my love for strength to live another day and to finish up earthly matters. It helps a little ….. I do believe God is love, and just…even though we human can be so cruel, self-serving. On this note, I send you my prayer for you, asking God to send you love, friendships ……and peace. Lu
Tess— if only i could invite you over…im in CA… id make a nice lunch for us and bring some joy into your day… please write me back. God made you, values you as if you were the only person on earth…
I truly love your heart…
My best friend died 6 months ago while I was holding him. His heart stopped, and in the split second between his last heartbeat and stillness, I instinctively understood what irreversible means. I felt this rush of feelings, so fast, all yelling: nonono, make it stop, this is too real, too much.
I couldn’t. It was his time to go. And still my time to stay. So much time, and now to stay here without him.
He was the only family member able to be by my side for the last 15 years – the others left the country, bit by bit, and I can only see them 2x a year at most. I miss him so much, it feels like someone just scooped out my chest.
For many years now, since I was a teenager, I look out the window and feel I don’t want to be here. I don’t like being a human, and I’m not very fond of human things. Sometimes I go to sleep and, like many of you, I wish it’d be for good.
It’s gotten worse since he left. His love and his presence and his innate kindness balanced me out. Now I feel tired and rootless. I don’t make plans, and I don’t care if things don’t work out. I’m carrying my body around.
Sometimes I stop talking midsentence – I just don’t have the energy to care about everyday human things. There’s no point.
I’m kind and generous and have good friends who are also kind and generous. I have a comfortable life that gives me much of what I desire. I’m in therapy. I exercise. I’ve been lucky to see quite a bit of the world, and it can be so beautiful.
I’m really trying to make it better, to find some happiness in this weird aliveness, to come to terms with my grief.
But I can’t shake the idea that I’m only running out the clock, since I’m so tired but don’t have active suicidal ideation. The thought of still having decades ahead is terrifying. I long for my peaceful transition into whatever happens next. I know he went first, and that soothes me somehow.
Reading your comments and thoughtful replies has given me so much empathy for your suffering. I wish I could take it from you all, and leave you only the good things.
But I know it hurts from the inside, deep down there where our words can’t reach. And I just wish it would stop.
I wish I could go to sleep in a beautiful, calm beach, under the stars, and gently become the sand. Dissolve whatever this is into something freer.
Sorry for the long text, just needed to vent. I hope you have a wonderful week, whoever you are.
Hey, it’s better than me. You’re a good person, but I’m a piece of shit. The only saving grace for me is that at least people won’t miss me that much because I was such a vile disgusting person. No one knows just how much I suffer from all this existential crisis crap. I wish I could lay myself down to sleep and never awake. Free from this agony. Too much confusion and pain for me.
Sometimes I’m shitty too. And then I try to take really small steps back towards some form of goodness – admiring a bee or the leaves on a tree, or imagining where the clouds have been, remembering there’s more to the world than our species and how it hurts me or how I hurt someone else. Nature tends to lessen the agony. Maybe remembering we’re a part of it and not the other way around can bring you some solace. I wish you peace, even if you can only manage a few minutes of it.
Jason– you were created in the image of God and loved unconditionally by Him! Please stop hurting yourself and saying hateful things to yourself! I wish i was there to give you a hug…
I don’t know if it will help, but i hope so: it’s hard to deal with grief, and anybody can say anything, i don’t think the pain goes ever away, no matter how much time passes, things will never be the same, it’s something we can’t control. The only way i could cope with the loss of a loved one, i know it sounds a bit weird, but i try to imagine, i’m in the 3rd dimension, and the lost loved one is in the 5th/heaven/whatever place you believe in, even if you don’t believe in anything, then just try to think about their soul, they have left the material world, but they still have a soul, they still live in you somehow, so just try to talk to them, send them a message, think about them, and near this somehow move on with life, it takes a long time, doesn’t matter how long, it’s a bs, that grief should be only for a year, after you can move on, and even if you move on in some way, doesn’t mean you forgot your loved one, you can grieve as long as you need, find any way you can cope with the loss, let it be some tradition you did together, or anything. I really wish i could take your pain away!! Really sad thing when someone passes away, and we are left behind to cope with the pain, at least our loved one doesn’t suffer anymore, but unfortunately we can’t bring them back, the only thing we can do is to heal from it, but not forget it, keep them in our hearts, and think we are and will be connected forever through the shared love, even if the other one left this world already, and hope one day we reunite, everybody’s time is different, sometimes we don’t have a full lifetime with the other, i know it’s a horrible feeling, i wish it would be different, but at the end we are all connected forever, and nobody, not even death can take the love away from us. I really hope you will be happy again, and cope with the loss somehow❤
I tried what you said and it worked a bit – like he’s here but just out of reach for a while. Thank you for your kind words, friend. I hope you’re well.
This is me
I want to sleep for however long it takes to stop my inconsolable grieving
Yes, that’s me. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up! Since I lost my mom in 2018 and the ensuing legal problems with the estate and my sister, along with surviving 4 evictions and financial problems that are spiraling downward, I’m now very tired and don’t want to keep fighting all these problems anymore. I’m now 69 years old and I have no wife or kids. Just a few friends. THERE IS NOTHING TO KEEP ME GROUNDED HERE TO THIS LIFE.
As more time passes, a sense of emptiness, despair, hopelessness and loneliness just keep getting stronger. I’m already taking medication for it but it’s not helping much anymore.
Talking about it all doesn’t help because I DON’T CARE ABOUT BEING “CURED” I just don’t want to stay here anymore. That’s the honest truth. There is NOTHING ON EARTH that could influence me to decide stay here.
If there was a “pill” that I could take to sleep and not wake up I desperately would like to obtain it.
Please feel Gods love for you, my friend…
I do feel this way. That’s why I’m currently looking up gun listings
Yup, I wish can just go to sleep and never wake up.
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Does anybody actually know a (reasonably healthy) person who unexpectedly died in their sleep? Here we all are wishing for something that just seems so unlikely to happen! I have only heard of one person (he was 57) who went to bed one night and didn’t wake up in the morning. So, possible, but very unlikely.
Carolina,
Sadly, it happened to someone close to me and my family. Everything seemed fine the night before. He spent time with each of teenage his kids, and with his wife, and didn’t voice any physical complaints at all, and then had a massive heart attack in his sleep. It was so sad. If I’m remembering correctly, he was 51 at the time.
It’s one of the ironies in life that the people who most want to live often die when they don’t want to, while people who most want to die often live when they don’t want to. I’m not sure if the universe is cruel or just has a wicked sense of humor! ?
Stacey
Only 51, so young and so sad for everyone that loved him.
Yes, about the irony of who lives and who dies. I think we who want to die in our sleep are probably a very small / minority group though? I think most people want to live as long as possible?
I have no hope, and I can’t remember having any. We humans are an inventive species, but our cruelty remains constant and unchanging. We can’t transcend the fact that we’re poison for each other.
Thats my wish,nobody can know how badly i am suffering..
I have never replied to one of these sites, but after reading the article and some comments I feel the same way. My mother passed 6 months ago and I’m still mourning her loss. I find it difficult to get out of bed in the morning and when I get home from work all I want to do is sleep. I lived with her and took care of her. I’m in the process of cleaning the house out because I have to move. The only thing that keeps me going is my dog. The pain is overwhelming. She was my best friend and confidant. I feel so alone and my siblings just don’t understand.
Dear Jennifer,
I’m not surprised that you’re still grieving, if your mother died only six months ago! My husband’s best friend died over thirty years ago, when they were in their twenties, and I know that my husband still misses him, just as he misses his mother (died over eight years ago) and his father (died four years ago, after several years of suffering from dementia). I can’t imagine yet how I’ll feel if my husband dies before me, or when my mother dies (or how much worse I would have felt if I hadn’t met my husband and didn’t have close friends apart from my mother), but I can see that it’s likely to be devastating.
So I’m not going to tell you to get over it, or to cheer up and enjoy the spring, or be happy that your mother is in heaven or is free of pain, or anything like that. At the moment, you need to grieve, and grieving doesn’t have a tidy timescale, or even a neat, predictable set of stages to go through in prescribed order.
But nevertheless, knowing that everyone experiences the loss of the person they are closest to, and that most people survive, I hope you can find hope that it won’t always be like the way it is now. You won’t stop missing your mother, but maybe one day you will be able to move from a stage where the time is overwhelming, to a time when you can enjoy remembering the good things about the time you and your mother had together, at the same time as enjoying the life you are living.
I hope you and your dog can find a good home that feels like home and is right for the two of you (and maybe with room for another person, or another dog). I hope your old house finds people who will enjoy living in it. It wasn’t until a year after my father-in-law died that we finally managed to find a buyer for his house, and I know it was hard for my husband to say goodbye to the house that had been his family home since he was twelve, in the village where he had met his best friend. But at the same time, it was joy to see it bought by a family with a young child who could enjoy growing up there, the way my husband and his brother had.
Do you have anyone you can talk to about what you’re going through? I don’t necessarily mean a counsellor (grief counselling can be helpful, but because therapists have to maintain professional boundaries and have to keep the conversation focused only on you, it’s not the same as talking to a friend), and you’ve already said that your siblings don’t understand (even if your mother was their mother, it doesn’t mean that they had the same relationship with her that you do). But do you have friends or neighbours who have lost someone they were close to?
Thank you for your kind words. I have a few close friends, but none of them lost their mothers. I am thinking about going to grief counseling. I lost my dad 5 years ago on December 23rd. He was on dialysis and when I went to pick him up, the doctors were giving him CPR. His heart gave out at the center. I was there by myself and had to call my mom and brothers. So I’ve spent the last 5 years taking care of my mom, she was devastated when he passed. They were married for 52 years. She died of lung cancer in August. Everything is just too much for me now. I never fully grieved for my dad because I was so worried about my mother and her well being. Some days I just can’t get out of bed.
The emotional pain is to overwhelming and devastating! I can’t bear it any longer. My favorite thing is to sleep. I just want the pain to stop. And I don’t see that happening. I’m no longer wanted by my family. Grieving the loss of my daughters and husband, is unbearable. And knowing they no longer want me. My husband has never loved me. 29 years wasted. My daughters hate me because I made the mistake of staying with him.
Same here.
I’m 64 and married 46 years. Just divorced as spouse wanted girlfriend and didn’t want me anymore either. I feel your pain!
Dear Cherise,
It sounds as though you’re going through a very hard time, and maybe you need to sleep. But maybe there will come a time when you’re rested enough to think, ‘So, what do I do now?’
You say you are grieving the loss of your daughters and husband, but I don’t know the precise situation: whether your husband has walked out on you, or is dead, or whether you’re still living in the same house as him but in a loveless marriage. But if your husband has left you (whether by death or divorce), it sounds as though you’re better off without him. It sounds as though you were working hard at trying to make the marriage work, if you stayed with him for so long, but maybe now it’s time to focus on being kind to yourself.
My mother’s friend stayed in an unhappy marriage for decades because she believed that it was a sin to get divorced. She finally separated from her husband only when he explained to her, calmly and dispassionately, how he was planning to murder her so as to make it look like an accident. He had wanted to end the relationship as much as she did, but decided to intimidate her into leaving so that he would still be seen as the innocent party. Her life got a lot better once they’d separated – but I can imagine that she might well have gone through a time of grieving, both for the breakdown of the marriage and for having wasted her life for so long, before being able to be happy to be free of him.
You say your daughters hate you for having stayed with your husband for so long. Maybe they will always hate you, maybe they won’t. After all, both you and they will change so much over the years to come that anything might happen. But if they do hate you, then that is their decision. Unless you did something to hurt them, it isn’t fair, but you can’t make them love you. All you can do is to love yourself, to love your daughters without expecting them to love you, and to try to find good friends who do care about you. (On the other hand, if there actually is something you have done to hurt your daughters, then, as they clearly mean a lot to you, I expect you have apologised and tried to make amends, but in this situation, it could be a long time before they feel able to forgive you.)
I know it’s easy for me to say this when I’m not going through bereavement, but I do know the feeling of having wasted my life. I’ve gone through life hating myself and humiliating myself, because I treated all the hurtful or dismissive things people said to me when I was a child as incontrovertible facts. I’ve been sabotaging myself, willing myself to fail, perhaps because at some level I wanted everyone else to do better than me. I’ve been unemployed for five years and don’t know whether I can ever get a job again, or even whether I want to. But I know that anything I can do to make things better needs to start with where I am now.
I am trapped in a life that I can no longer cope with.
Every waking moment is mental agony for me. I just long to sleep………forever.
Carolina, I relate to your condition. What is happening? Anything perhaps you could do? Would doing one little thing that release your agony a bit for a few minutes help ? ….Without knowing what is going on (so it may not be suitable for you), I am thinking about meditation (focus on the breath) for 10 minutes at a time, let the pain and thoughts go by, always bring attention back to the breath, to give yourself a momentary break. Perhaps that may help you to have some clarity. And if you are currently in an abusive situation, please go to a women shelter to stay for now…. I am concerned. Please get some help. And I just prayed for you and that you can find your way.
Dear L
Thank you for your response. It is good to know there are people like yourself out there who care enough to reply to me.
Meditation does seem like a good idea and I was doing it for a while but stopped. I may give it another go.
My situation is too complex to explain here. I live alone but have friends, family and local mental health services helping me. Things are not improving for me though and my mental health is extremely poor. I just wish I could be the positive and creative person I once was. She seems a million miles away now though.
Carolina, could you try to do little bit of creative work ? 10 minutes or 20 minute a day ? See if your lovely she comes back to you again. Take Care. Just prayed for you.
So sorry! I know how you feel and I’m having to live with a sibling and his wife. And we don’t all get along at all. I was told to live in the woods or with them! There has been domestic dispute’s and I have no one to talk to or anywhere to go. That would be only way out! Rather die than live like this everyday! No one cares!
there seem so many us you need to get help if you can
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I feel the same way, I am in so much pain. My son was killed instantly in a car crash and I can’t live my life without him. It is torture, pure torture. I never want to wake up, never. Every night I pray to never wake up.
Anonymous
That is so sad about your son. The loss of a child must be one of the hardest things to bear. Have you had any bereavement counselling?
My cousin died instantly in a car crash when she was only 18. She was an only child and my aunty and uncle never got over their loss.
Like you, I wish every night that I will not wake up in the morning. But this is so unlikely to happen. I have only ever heard of one person who that happened to (at the age of 57).
My daughter passed away in a tragic accident as a passenger. Neither drivers got any time nor correct charges. I got pictures insults and even a so called sister appeared and betrayed me. Then her school sux I had to beg to have her honored. Tonight was prom and she would have been beautiful I just miss her all the other stuff I chalk up to f them but she died horribly I picture it constantly and am regressing I won’t kill myself but I don’t want to be alive without her
There is nothing more painful than losing a child. I hope you find help or at least someone pays for what they’ve done. ????… It makes me so sad to know that we all feel so alone… I wish we had a group tbh. At least it wouldn’t be so awful
Nobody cares..
That’s a difficult one to answer. In general, I’d imagine that most of us who use this site care that there are other people out there who feel hopeless, unloved or worthless. Sometimes we comment, if we think our comments might help; sometimes we don’t write anything, because we can’t think of anything to say that can help; sometimes we stop reading comments for a while because we don’t feel able to cope.
But at a more personal, specific level – I don’t know you (or don’t know if you are someone whom I do know), don’t know what particular problems you face, so I can’t empathise with you as deeply as I could if I did. And the people around you who have seen the surface of you – perhaps as someone who automatically says, ‘Fine,’ when asked, ‘How are you?’ because giving a truthful answer would take too long to explain and you can’t believe anyone would want to listen – don’t know what you’re really going through, either. If they did, probably some of them would care – if you can find the right people who will listen.
None of us is capable of empathising with all of the nearly eight billion people on Earth. This isn’t because all humans are heartless, narcissistic egotists, but just because our brains aren’t big enough to hold detailed information on what it feels like to be each individual of 7.9 billion people. When we set up a standing order to make regular payments to a relief charity – say, one taking emergency food packages to refugees in Syria, or one offering therapy to victims of torture once they arrive in our own country – it isn’t because we have a close personal connection with a specific refugee (even though the charity’s appeal leaflets will print brief stories about some of the people we’ve helped, and, if it’s run by a religious organisation, ask us to pray for them). But we give what we can afford, and maybe a bit more than we can easily afford, because we care IN GENERAL about people being driven out of their homes; and if we pray, we pray because we believe that God knows and cares about the people we are praying for, even if we don’t.
It is a cliche that ‘nobody can help everybody, but anybody can help somebody,’ but it is true, both when you are the person who needs help, and when someone else needs your help. Humans evolved as a social species; we were never meant to deal with everything as isolated individuals. I hope you can find someone close by who will listen to you (and I’m not just talking about professionals who can offer maybe one hour a week, but good friends and family). But if there isn’t anyone nearby, you can tell us. The more we know about how you feel, the more we are in a position to be able to care, not just about ‘random anonymous person’, but about the unique person that you are.
I do not see me living much longer I struggle for every day life, breathing is difficult. personal problems do go away. I strived to be the best in my fields professionally, only where I am my skills are not wanted. (Engineering.)
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Hi Raymond, many of us of the boomer generation are forced to resign early from the profession due to current push for global technocratic agenda, and the pandemic accelerated it. Many of us are suffering in silence. But you have the valuable skills which are meaningful no matter whether the formal work place still have a place for you. Just wondering, Would it be possible you could mentor the next generation with some of your colleague friends to teach them how to build alternative communities (not smart cities with 5G & transhumans), so human species and our natural world has a fighting chance ? What do you think? Is this a worthwhile goal? Please leave a response here, I will check back for your input. Note: I am in a related profession.
Yes, I did not air all that I have gone through, an abusive childhood, a marriage that was not good (fidelity only applies to husbands, apparently), a second marriage with very hateful and abusive step children, with no support from their mother and my now wife. (She says all these things are in the past and I just need to get over it and move on.)(They have left home but I still carry the scars.) In my profession I have always tutored others, unlike many of my colleagues. Some are doing very well, I feel that I did well for them. Is that not being a good person is about? But I still feel worthless..and more resigned than desperate.
Ray, I am sad to hear that, my heart goes out to you. Perhaps working with a good therapist ..but again you may have already started on that path. The pandemic is not helpful, wondering if there are any outdoor walking group you could join, just to get some personal space and meet some new people, who could potentially be friends. Not sure what else I can say. People do seem to comment here to support each other. So perhaps you could post here while getting other support.This may uplift your mood? Perhaps some of us need to learn how to learn how to love ourselves – not in narcissistic manner, rather to appreciate what we actually contribute. Just a thought, reward yourself with something (favourite treat, something that gives you joy) every now and then when you have done a good amount of good deeds. I do believe personally, that the Source/ God sees who we are and what we do . Perhaps you could try to ask for that in your heart, what you really need and keep up your good work. Those who were helped by you may have been changed by your kind teaching. Take Care.
I dont have any answers sorry, what i do know is, i no longer want to be here, this isn’t a mood or fallout, ive had this thought for as long as i know, i am too much of a coward to take anything, i pray hard every night that i don’t wake up!!! They say god gives you what you can handle I bloody wish he would pass me by as ive had enough, i cant and dont want too to take anymore ppls heartache, my times up on this earth, i cant give or take anymore just let me go i beg you
Let’s go for a walk. Put away the self-analyzing and look at the geese on the water. Can you smell the leaves on the ground in the fall? I’d ask you about where you grew up. I’d be curious about engineering, because numbers and physics are a mystery to me. I’d hope you’d have interest in fiction literature or classical music. We could maybe quietly listen to Nessun Dorma and wonder at how incredible the mind of man can be. There is no great answer to your questions. There is only acceptance that the universe is unfolding exactly how it was meant to. We’re along for the ride, so let’s enjoy the show while we can.
I am a husband and a parent, my kids are teenagers and disrespect me, and my wife is 90% on their side. I’ve been squashed for many years with the burden of supporting my family financially, doing some house chores and getting no respect. I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake up. My wife and kids think I am the problem because I am too demanding, but objectively I don’t enforce any discipline. My wife let’s our kids do almost whatever they want. There is no intimacy between my wife and myself either. I feel like an ATM and servant.
Dear Pete,
I’m sorry to hear how hard your life sounds. You say your family don’t respect you, but the important thing is that you respect both them and yourself, and that you decide what to do with that. It sounds as though you do care about your wife and children, otherwise you’d have left them (I don’t mean ‘left’ as in ‘killed yourself’ necessarily, but just as in ‘walked out’).
I get the impression that you’re trying to be the best husband and father that you can possibly be, and are frustrated that your family don’t appreciate your efforts. I don’t know about your wife, but your children don’t have the maturity and experience to know how much you are doing, and to know how they would feel if you weren’t there. After all, unless they are stepchildren or adopted late in childhood, children don’t have experience of any other father to compare you with. All they know is that they are growing up and feel that they should be allowed more freedom and independence than they currently have (regardless of how much freedom and independence they do currently have) while still being able to rely on the same security as when they were younger.
It’s sad that there is no intimacy between you and your wife, and I wonder how that makes her feel. Have you asked her how she feels about your relationship, or told her how you feel? Do you have opportunities when you can talk in private, while the children are out? Could you write her a letter explaining how you feel, if she doesn’t give you a chance to explain it in person? I don’t want to be the sort of person who always recommends getting professional help (I’m not a therapist, just someone who has been in therapy on and off for several years), but if you are having difficulty communicating, and if your wife agrees that there is a problem, could you try getting some sort of couples counselling?
Alternatively, if your wife really thinks that she doesn’t have a problem and everything is your fault, might she be happier if you separated from her? Would YOU be happier? Would your children?
You say that you do some house chores as well as supporting the family financially. Do your children do any housework? I remember my mother drawing up a dish-washing rota, for herself, my brothers and me, when I was twelve and my brothers were nine (my father was working abroad that year, hence his not being on the rota). Could you organise something like this with your family? Maybe make pocket money dependent on it: perhaps they could get enough basic-rate allowance to cover basic living expenses like school meals and bus fares, but if they want money for actually having fun with, they need to do their share of the chores.
I don’t know whether any of these suggestions will help, but I hope you can find solutions that do. Don’t give up, Pete. You’re a brave man, and you’re doing your best.
Yes that how I feel right now. That’s why I am on this site. This was the first thing that came up when I Google I wish I would go to sleep and never wake up. The love of my life passed away Dec 28. 2021 and I am lost without her. I am not the same person I was before she passed. I just want to be with her. Im not wanting to kill myself but if I died I wouldn’t have a problem with it. I would be happy if I died.
Adam, I can relate to your sorrow. My beloved, very long time soul mate husband departed last year, and I am till in my deep grief. After talking with few bereaved buddies, it seemed that we have all changed, feeling lost and etc. It is as if we died with them. As you, I would much prefer to join my love in the spiritual realm, than be here, missing him for the remaining years. For some support, have you been able to find some widowed buddies who you can talk with? I find it makes a big difference for me, we become support for each other, when our other married friends may not be able to relate to our pain and distraught. Perhaps these references may interest you: Dr. Raymond Moody, Dr. Jamie Turndorf, ADC & Near Death Experiences). My heart goes to you…… and want to send you a warm hug, a ray of sunshine, a spring daffodil – on behalf of your beloved….. She is still living and is watching over you…Love never dies.
Adam, I can relate to your distraught. My very long time beloved soulmate husband passed on last year, and I am immersed in my deep grief. As you, I hope to never wake up, and so far it has not worked. We (with my bereaved widowed buddies) seem to share this sense loss of grounding, drifting. It seems we died with our love. We have changed, those that interested us before, no longer. Perhaps we finally come to realize what is the most important in our entire life. I do find great comfort among my widowed buddies, with whom we can share and support each other, often better than other coupled friends. Other resources I tap into are: Dr. Raymond Moody, Dr. Jamie Turndorf, ADC and Near Death Experiences as I search more into after life matter. I believe our beloved live on, in spirits. Love never dies, your beloved is still with you and watching over you. So I send you a ray of sunshine, the sound of ocean waves, a warm embrace on behalf of her……She is with you always….. and May God/the Source comfort you…….
I’m 15 and I don’t know what I want to do with life I just want to end it but I can’t bring myself to it I have no future I have no skills in anything I just want to end it before im an adult just so I don’t go through the pain and suffering I just want to go out in a peaceful way.
I have no friend to speak to, I am none religious, my best friends husband is dying just a matter of time so I have no one, living with a partner who has no empathy , just said drink yourself to death. Am diagnosed with age related disc degeneration and awaiting cataract operation, he treats me like a servant I had just lost my husband, son and dog when I met him 14 years ago and was very vulnerable frightened of being alone. Not eating, losing weight while he just waits for me to feed him and do everything for him. Found dirty photos he had taken of another woman whilst his former wife was still alive. as she was German was so grateful to him he even lied about that. I don’t say anything without proof , I have never lied in my life despite two marriages. Lies always come out in the end.. I have had enough
Muriel, I feel your loneliness. Can you find a social worker to help you get a senior assisted housing unit and move out? May be you can make some new friends again? …. I know this is only response on the internet, but nonetheless want to send you some comfort, a gentle hug, and a prayer. If it gets really bad sometimes, I talk to God ….. for perhaps this is only option, at our darkest moment…. May love and peace be with you.
The only thing that keeps me from killing myself is my faith in the bible. Life is cruel as once someone is born they can never truly die. You either live forever in heaven or live forever being tortured in hell where your body never dies. I dont know if I going to heaven when I die and if I suicide I cant be sure of heaven.
All I do is eat and sleep my life away in a basement.
I feel the same Mate. The fact we found this website is proof enough of being in a bad state. You are not alone. I am with you and God is sitting next to you.
No one here is going to use some fake ass sky daddy to make me feel bad or good. I don’t care for such myths.
I just get so lost in myself, so tired of dealing with life, some nights I’d cry right next to my best friend and love of my life, trying to stay quiet so she would not hear me. Idk what it is. It’s not like I’m sad all the time but every few days it just hits me and I don’t want to live anymore, I’m too scared to do it but I have thought alot about just drifting away at night. Never waking up sometimes sounds beautiful. I’m just lost in the head.idk if it’s the world and the idioticy of my country now or if it’s the pure nature of how we humans are. I don’t believe in God. And please no one bring that up as to me it’s not helpful. I just wish all humans could look at the world through the eyes of one another.
My life has been cycles of this since I was a teen. Now I’m 26 sitting in my car listening to breaking Benjamin feeling the same way again. Why do I feel this way. My mind constantly flips to the people and other animals that depend on me and I think I’ll hurt them cuz it would but then my brain tells me life would be easier if I was gone out of everyone’s way. I’m just lost.
God turned his back on me a long time ago
Glen, and Jay, Mate, Muriel, life is so difficult. Many times I feel this way also: God had turned his back on me. Then I reasoned, we are really at no place to say what God may or may not do., if we were to accept that there is God (whatever form God may be) and that we are from that source. It feels quite powerless, yet in reality, we are just that, as we situate ourselves in the vast Universe. So whether God cares or not, I can only pray, talk, argue with the Source and try my best to be a good person.
This unfortunately does not guarantee anything. But I feel there are not many options. Since it is really hard to ignore the beauty of Nature and all beings on this planet. They are so incredibly put together. I must acknowledge that there is much powerful that is at work here. This is where I am at. I genuinely hope you all can find your comfort and support. A big hug to you all.
Dear Mate,
I used to think the way about God that you seem to: that God is primarily someone who makes arbitrary rules like ‘You’re not allowed to kill yourself,’ and tortures you forever if you disobey them. I didn’t even think anyone was likely to get to heaven, as I imagined God setting up the rules so that he could always avoid handing out rewards (like an insurance company finding loopholes to avoid paying out).
Now, I think that we can’t KNOW (as opposed to believing) what exactly happens after death, or even whether there is anything at all after death. If there isn’t, then dying doesn’t end your suffering, because you wouldn’t be conscious to know that you were no longer suffering, so all your life experience would still have been of suffering.
If there is life after death, then without God’s grace, there is no particular reason why it should be noticeably better than this life. We might escape the specific problems to do with our physical circumstances (such as chronic injury or extreme poverty), but if we are still the same people, we wouldn’t escape the problems to do with how we think and feel about life. Even if we are grieving because we miss a loved one, we don’t know whether dying would immediately reunite us with the person we love.
If there is hope of something better after death (which doesn’t necessarily mean that life will be easy and perfect for us as soon as we die), I think it must be because God loves us and wants good things for us. And if God is the sort of being who loves us, rather than the cruel manipulator I pictured as a teenager, then that suggests that he gives us this life, not as a torment which we have to endure in order to earn a reward, but as an experience which we need to learn something from. Perhaps we are here to learn how to live: how to make life a blessing for ourselves and each other.
You say that you don’t do anything except eat and sleep your life away in a basement, but you don’t say whether that is all you can do. I don’t know whether you are able to go for a walk, for example, or whether you are able to draw, or whether you like playing or listening to music. Of course, some hobbies cost money, and you many not have any to spare. For example, an old lady I used to look after in a nursing home spent most of her time knitting dolls and Christmas decorations to sell at fundraising events, but for this she needed to buy yarn and stuffing.
Since you posted a comment on this site, I do know that you can communicate (whether by speech, typing with your hands, eye-blinks or whatever) and that you can use the internet. I don’t know whether you are physically disabled and need a support worker to help you use the internet. If you are, your support worker might be able to help you get to other activities and opportunities.
But if you don’t have a physical disability, but are crippled by being poor and lonely and depressed, you may not be getting much support, and may have to work out for yourself what you can do to make your life more creative and less empty. Maybe if you can challenge yourself to get out of your basement, you can work up to walking around town and seeing if there are any community noticeboards with posters about events you might go to, groups you might join, charities who want volunteers, or whatever. Alternatively, you can look around at things to do on the internet: perhaps writing a blog, writing stories (either stories with original characters, or fanfiction inspired by your favourite novels or films or television series) and posting them on writing websites, or whatever you’re interested in.
You evidently believe in God, and I wonder whether you are a member of a church, synagogue or temple. If so, are there any groups running there that you might want to go to as well as worship services, or any way in which you can contribute (such as putting out hymn books, making refreshments after the service, or whatever)?
These are all just random suggestions, not all of which will be relevant to you. Maybe you could ask God to help you find a way forward?
To have constant intrusive thoughts and crippling anxiety. Its pure torture every single day. Turning into losing touch with reality. lost everything, and everyone from isolating. Looking forward to life in a psych ward. Be careful with these meds long term. You have been warned.
Tonight I Googled “tired of covid and loneliness just want to die” and came across this article. For years I have vacillated between happiness and wanting to live to wishing I would die, to actively pursuing suicide. I have had many failed attempts and seem to recover thinking there must be a reason I am here.
When I thought I finally met the man of my dreams (after 48 years and many failed relationships) but we are drifting very far apart after only five years together and I feel like I’m sinking further than ever. I’m tired of putting on a fake happy face and just don’t want to wake up anymore.
I’m sad to see so many others feeling the same… Life should be beautiful and fulfilling. I just don’t understand why it isn’t.
Dawn….what a lovely name ☺️
I really can’t remember what I Googled, but I must say I find the article and comments very helpful. It sums up perfectly how I feel. I really would like to sleep forever and never wake up.
I’m sorry that you and your partner are drifting apart, but it sounds to me like your relationship is worth fighting for. After all, you describe him as the man of your dreams. A friend of mine says relationships are like gardens, they need attending to constantly. Try planting a few seeds of hope and watch them grow ?
Remember that these difficult times are only temporary and will pass and the happy times will come back and life will be beautiful and fulfilling again. I say that to you, as others have said it to me, as depression is cyclical (although I don’t believe it’s true for me this time).
And it’s really good if you can keep smiling however bad you are feeling. (I can’t!)
What if I don’t just want to live
I enjoyed your article alot and got alot of insight.
This comment is intended for Temple Cloud. For some reason, there is no “Reply” button under their comment: Thank you and you’re welcome! It’s always heartening to know that someone gets some value from feedback, especially when people are suffering mental anguish. I, too, am grateful to whomever wrote that helpful statement and to the friend who sent it to me. I use it often because I tend to be defensive and can now stop and ask myself if that feeling is justified. “Don’t believe everything you think” has become my mantra. Habits of thought are hard to break, especially life-long, engrained habits, but if you keep at it, you can at least “fight back.” It’s made my life more bearable, and, even happier.
I am worried that I am giving myself (permanent) brain damage by doing shallow panic breathing virtually all the time I’m awake. My brain isn’t getting the oxygen it needs. I have to really work hard at slowing down my breathing and breathing into my stomach and not just my upper lungs.
Carolina,
Breathing is important! (Obviously.) A lot of people breathe too shallowly. I’m not a physician so I can’t say this with certainty, but I don’t think habitually shallow breathing causes permanent brain damage. It definitely can cause anxiety, though, and is the cause of panic attacks for some people. This article contains some good information and exercises: Deep Breathing: A Complete Guide to the Relaxation Technique
Stacey
Thankyou for your response
I thought it was my almost permanent level of high anxiety that caused the almost continuous shallow (like fast panting) breathing and not vice versa. Not good news that it works both ways though ?
I will try to do those deep breathing exercises in the article you sent. My Care workers have also given me various breathing exercises to do.
I am 67 years old and I am tired of life. My wife has an issue that we have been to specialists on but there is no answer. She has been dealing with this issue for 3 years now.
She is getting to the end of her rope and I am too, because I can’t find a way to help her.
The only thing that keeps both of us going is our dogs, I believe.
Anonymous, please hang in. This is pandemic time, very hard on everyone, more so on some than others. I am in a very traumatic stage at this moment, and my partner was perhaps at about your wife’s age (I am assuming here). What I can share is if you still have time, don’t waste it on giving up now…. look into some natural healing – functional medicine practitioners (MD use more system treatment) if financially doable else research it on the net. Mindfulness meditation (deep breathing – focus on the breath) may help with stress reduction, calming ourselves down……Also perhaps try prayers to God (the supreme goodness) .Please pardon me for being forward on my suggestions. I mean to encourage you to hang on. I send you both sunshine, and compassion. May you both be blessed.
Anonymous,
I’m sorry you and your wife are struggling. It must be so frustrating not to be able to help her. And yes, hallelujah for pets! They are a reason for living for many people. In fact, I should write about that for a blog post someday.
Thanks for sharing here.
I can’t believe so many people feel the same way as I do. Going to bed every night wishing not to wake up in the morning, always so disappointed when I do and having to face another very long day of extreme anxiety and depression. Doing very little, spend most of the day in bed. Finding leaving the house extremely difficult. Once I am out I don’t want to return to the house. Cannot face going to shops and haven’t done so for over six months. Too ill to be able to cook. Can’t motivate myself or coordinate even simple meals. A friend is shopping and cooking for me, otherwise I don’t think I’d eat, seriously!
Not strong enough to end my life, there’s no easy way to do it. My friends and family have been great support but now they are now finding that my negativity is starting to make them feel ill so they have to withdraw their support to protect their own health and wellbeing. Totally understand that, but I am still desperate to communicate with them.
I wish I’d never been born. So unfair to have no say in being born. And now no easy way to die peacefully and ‘safely’
I just don’t want to be here any more. Thanks for reading this x
Carolina, I also find it very hard to do anything, especially things that may be useful to keeping myself alive; for example, grocery shopping. What I can share is that: I find if I just do one thing a day, so at least I am not in bed the whole day can somehow help how I feel a bit. Just stick our heads outside of the window to get some sun on our faces can be soothing. I am guessing many of us come here to read this article is because we feel ….. not point to keep living. So I am sending you a hug, a warm smile.
Dear L
Thank you for responding to my post and for the hug and warm smile. It’s good how much a response from a complete stranger can help and to know I am not alone. I seem to spend my days worrying.
I do get out to the local park on many days. Much love and hugs to you x
Carolina
You most definitely are not alone in the struggle. The struggle for a happy, peaceful, fair and just life. Something I believe the majority of us have searched for our entire life but many have not achieved. There’s not a night I don’t go to bed without saying goodnight, sweet dreams and I love to my beautiful and wise children. There’s not a night I don’t go to bed without telling my wife how much I love her and thank her for being my friend. Oh yes I also tell my doggies I love them too. But regardless of how much I love my family and truly appreciate their gift I find myself hoping whenever I finally close my eyes that I don’t wake up. Waking up only means another day of suffering mentally and then physically and absorbing the pain of knowing that my state of mind and body does not allow me to be the best father, husband and friend my family deserves. YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS FIGHT FOR INTERNAL PEACE. I understand knowing that your not alone may not help a great deal but know this If at possible I would certainly give you a hug, ear to listen, shoulder to cry on and chest and shoulders to beat on if necessary. I don’t know you but knowing the pain and suffering associated with our disease you feel as family. With that I truly wholeheartedly wish you the absolute best that can be grabbed as we go through life. I am not going to say Hang in there as that is so cliché, what I will say I’ll be thinking about your words and struggle as I go through mine. Be well and know you have touched in a positive way a stranger that like many needs all the feelings associated with positivity that one can get. Thank You My Friend.
I identify with your thoughts.
I’m of an age when my body is breaking down. in addition tinnitus inhibits my sleep.
I’m 72, which is certainly of that same age as you. I’ve been taking ibuprofen for my tendonitis and am getting treatment for it, finally. As for the tinnitus, as I understand it, there is no treatment other than a very expensive hearing aid that cancels out the sound, but not always. I’ve learned to live with it; it isn’t really hindering my hearing and I’m unaware of it when my mind is occupied or I’m watching TV. You might ask a doctor for something to help you sleep. I know a lack of sleep can really ruin your ability to enjoy life. I was being kept awake by restless leg syndrome, and, when I finally asked my doctor about it, she prescribed a med that has put a stop to that and I’m sleeping much better now. Some swear by meditation, even something as simple as candle concentration. Sure, we’re on the downside of life, but if something can help you live your life with less pain or discomfort, go for it, I say.
To whomever wrote this,
Have you personally struggled with depression for over 20 years? Begged for help through the medical field and always slipping through the cracks? Then went through a trauma that left you with PTSD, anxiety and a stress disorder, to add to the dark depression the rules your life. Literally having tried everything?… I am sick of people writing about depression, suicide or “”passive suicide”” yet have NO CLUE as to the minute to minute battles happening daily
Angie,
I’m sorry you’re suffering so much. What you’re going through is so painful and unfair.
I’m wondering, what do you think the article should say instead? It seems like it angered or frustrated you in some way, and I’d like to know more so I can understand and make the article more helpful for others, if possible.
Since you asked, I myself have “been there” but everyone’s experience is unique, so my experience doesn’t give me insight into everyone else’s.
Thanks for sharing here, and I hope you will again.
Have no clue why I am going on living
Likewise every day I feel the same, why God still has left me here after my beloved pass on ….. is way beyond me. And I want to tell you, I hear you …. share your thoughts… So I leave you a note, to acknowledge your reaching out ….. Perhaps this is not the best time all over the world, a dark period in human development …. Many are suffering. So I can only send you a hug, a kiss and a line of prayer…. that each day please try to ask yourself for finding one good thing , no matter how small it is. Perhaps if we contemplate on that just for a little while….. breath it in and feel it in our hearts, it will takes us through today …. until we get our answer …
Anonymous,
It’s terribly painful to have to ask this question of yourself. I’m sorry you don’t have an answer. Understanding what’s kept you here can help you keep going. This article might be of interest: What Stops You From Killing Yourself?
Thanks for sharing here.
Hi Angie, I hear you. It is so true, many excruciating effects resulting from trauma is so hard for ones otherwise are normal. Often I question why these horrible experiences happen to some and not to others when they are not due to their own faults. Yet, we are here …. we are the ones who bear this burden, not therapists, not friends, not society…. We can so easily slip through the cracks, discarded. So what to do ? If it takes minute to minute battling, then we just have to do it…. until we no longer can. These days, I try to connect with my soul or spirit, to talk to her and self comfort …. God must have given us our soul, our life force, she must know more than my rational intellect. Sorry this may not be particularly helpful. Just want to say I care, and I hear you.
I’m so sorry you have to endure. I understand constant pain and not being able to afford treatment. Happy to talk any time. All the best to you, and every one of us
I am getting abused by my mother and father. I got tortured by my older sister for 14 years and now my parents are taking it to a whole new level. I have no one to talk about my problems. My mother won’t stop bothering and disturbing me. After her whining, she physically beats me up. I am so tired of that bitch. She just can’t shut her mouth.
Anonymous,
How awful that you’re being abused. I know it’s complicated, so you might or might not want to notify the police. If you do, they can help protect you from assault; if you’re under 18, child protective services would probably also get involved. You don’t deserve to be beat up – nobody does – and I hope it stops for you soon. You can also find places to talk with someone (for free) via phone, email, text, or chat, at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
no help here this site is a joke
Vermiss,
Thanks for the opportunity for me to clarify. The purpose of this site is not to provide help or counseling; it’s to provide information only. Indirectly, this information helps some people, and some people also receive help from others in the comments, via discussion. It’s wonderful when those happen, but it’s unpredictable. If you’re seeking direct help, please use one of the resources listed at speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp, or contact a doctor, therapist, or hospital.
Being in a dark place all the time is unbearable. Having to leave your home of 35 yrs. And not having to get another home of your own with not enough money. Having to live with your brother and his wife is taking its toll on me. Had to buy a house with them and I’m stuck in this black hole! He has PTSD and verbally and mentally abuses me. I tried to confront him and he got worse. His wife goes along with it and it is like he is my dad, controlling. He has cancer but it’s not spreading,I wished it was. Only way to get out of being abused or take my life! I lived alone for 13 yrs after my divorce and now I can’t live like this. Everyone just says I could have gotten my own place and shouldn’t complain cause they get sick of hearing it. I have lost weight,I’m 5/8. And 57 yrs old with no one to go to! This house we got is too small and not for 3 people. Tired of people asking what’s wrong? Then next day my brother acts like nothing happened with how mean he is to me. Making me clean the house and paying a lot of money for bills when I’m low income! I want out of this dark place and not be alive anymore!
I’m so sorry you have to endure, I wish there were some solution for us. All the best to you, and everyone of us
why would i want to reach out to someone to tell me not to do it? there is no hope . my every waking moment is pain, torment,suffering night and day . there is only one way out !
I know how you feel! I just posted my story about this same thing!
welcome to my world its so hard i have found nothing that works or helps.
Exactly! Why should we be forced into a World/Life that we never asked for? I wish and hope everyday for my life to end.
There’s no hope or reason.
Blissful Oblivion I await you.
Hi Hoss
I totally feel the same way
Blissful Oblivion sounds so wonderful
Something to hope for but really very unlikely to just happen since (apart from severe anxiety and depression) I’ve kept myself so healthy all my life. I can’t bear the thought of having to live another 30 years or so. People say things will improve and I will get better but I just seem to be worse and worse by the day. Something has to give. I can’t go on like this. It is hell on Earth.
Matthew,
I understand, it sounds like you are resolved.
And yet … you’re here, on this site, reading an article about how to possibly feel better. And … you left a comment that is bound to elicit offers of helpful resources from some people, at least me.
So, is it possible there’s a piece of you, no matter how small, that isn’t so resolved to die? If so, I hope you’ll check out the Resources page for places you can get help by phone, text, email, and chat. And also, this post might be helpful to you: Are You Thinking of Killing Yourself?
Thanks for posting here. It helps others who suffer to know they’re not alone.
omg i feel the same what do we do about it. Its like no one cares at all
I have a friend whose email signature line reads, “Don’t believe everything you think.” I don’t know where he got it, but I remember it whenever I think everything is hopeless. For me, the thoughts and feelings of hopelessness are self-perpetuating. In other words, those feelings are like a closed box and it’s hard to fight your way out. But, for me, it starts with remembering that advice and viewing my own thoughts and conclusions with skepticism. Maybe everything isn’t hopeless. As Dr. Freedenthal pointed out in another post, the fact that you are here, sharing your feelings, might mean that some part of you is already doubting that conclusion.
Thank you! I think ‘Don’t believe everything you think,’ puts it very well! Sometimes therapists talk about coping strategies like centring ourselves on the sensation of our breathing, being aware of what we can see and hear around us, etc, to break a harmful train of thought – which is fine if we already know that our worries are probably exaggerated. Alternatively, if we are dealing with an obvious physical problem (such as living with an abusive partner or abusive parents, etc), we need to find a way of dealing with the situation – being mindful of our breathing won’t make the problem go away, but may help us calm down enough to think more logically about how to solve it.
But if our problems are (as mine frequently are) to do with delusional beliefs such as ‘I am evil and do not deserve to breathe,’ or, ‘I do not deserve to experience the beauty of seeing this sunrise’ or similar, then simply being aware of our physical sensations isn’t enough. Questioning ourselves – ‘Is my belief that I am supposed to be miserable really rational? Why do I believe this?’ is sometimes much more to the point.
I totally agree with you
The only respite from my torment and suffering are the few hours of broken sleep I get each night. The moment I wake up, the fear, debilitating anxiety and hopelessness return.
I just don’t want to be here anymore
Hi Carolina these exact emotional words of how you feel hit home to me also. i have had a nervous breakdown5 months ago and live alone with my dog who is my saviour. I am constantly in a loop grieving my old happy independent self sustainable old self.
wondering will it ever come back. I suppose all we can do is day by day
I have been in constant pain for almost 18 years and run the risk of losing my ability to walk. I consider it the rational choice
I found the site when I type in I want to lay down and die. I feel hopeless and useless. I have the physical pain of osteoarthritis and fibromyalgia, among other illnesses. I was diagnosed with depression in my 30s and have been on tons of antidepressants. I’ve been to therapy. None of it works.
My husband of 22 years divorced me and didn’t give me a reason why. It’s been over 10 years and I’m still grieving.
All of my family had moved away, and now the ones that stayed in touch with me are dead. I feel like everybody leaves me so there must be something wrong with me.
My son lives far away and he really doesn’t give a crap about me. I only get to see my grandchildren twice a year. And that’s only because his wife’s family lives here and they are really coming up to visit them. I have to hound him to see my grandkids when they’re here.
Everyone I’ve loved and were supposed to “love” me, has hurt me left me, or both.
So I decided to push almost everyone out of my life. Because if you love them eventually they’ll hurt you or abandon you. Sometimes the loneliness is worth the pain it brings. I don’t feel like I have anything to live for. All the pain I have every day doesn’t seem worth waking up in the morning.
I have attempted suicide twice when I was a teenager. I’ve thought of it many times throughout the years. And now it’s on my mind constantly. There’s no one I can talk to who understands dealing with the pain and the feelings of unworthiness and hopelessness.
Therapy is bullcrap. All they want to do CBT. I’m cognitive of the way I feel and why I feel it. But that doesn’t make it get any better! It just reminds me of how worthless I am.
I’m sure all of you will say all the crap I’ve heard before. I don’t know why I’m even posting this.
You post this because you hope that someone, anyone will take the time to read it. And hear you.
I, too, suffer from these thoughts. Though maybe not as constantly as you may be thinking of them. Though this is hardly a competition.
Life is hard. Even for people we may believe lead perfect, happy lives! From the outside looking towards them, they really seem to have their crap together! I would probably seem that way to you, too. There are those who may think the same looking at you, too! Unless they tell us, we would never know!
I’m what this website (among others) would label as passively suicidal. I would like to go to sleep and not wake up. I would never actively do anything about it. But these thoughts frequently enter my head, typically when there are things that cause me stress, disappointment, and hurt.
I am not divorced. Though my husband left me. He didn’t want to go. But he had no choice. He tried so hard to stay, but I had to give him permission to go, for his own sake. His suffering was so great. Hardest thing I ever did. Felt his heart flutter, when his soul flew away as if on the wings of a tiny bird, to be with the angels.
That was 5 years ago. And the family dynamic has changed in ways I could not predict. And not for the better. The ones that were closest to me are the least tolerant of how I decided to reinvent myself as I try to find purpose and reason to live. It seems as if they would prefer I live my life like an old, cloistered woman dressed in black….like a martyr to my husband’s memory.
How I loved that man! My beloved! My raison d’être. But he’s gone from this life. Not too far away, just beyond the veil. I see him frequently in my dreams where he always is youthfully handsome, never suffering from the ill effects of chemotherapy.
So many people, close friends, my wonderful neighbors are so supportive. This I should remember! Not concentrate on those that used to be closest to me, like your son. Yes. It’s hurtful. But at least his wife tries to do the right thing by you. So what if she’s seeing her family, too! At least she carved out time for you, and that is a very good thing. Try to see it that way…..for YOUR sake. Only you can do that for yourself.
But I must say, responding to you has done wonders for me! I’m feeling better already! Because in the reminding I just did for you, turns out I was doing it for me.
Do try to be grateful for all that you have, instead of the things you wish you had, but don’t, that are also beyond your control. Your son likely suffers still from your divorce, too, but for whatever reason, can not or will not share it with you. I suspect that is the issue I experience with those closest to me, too.
Oh well. I will wait for that while I do my best to carry on….even if I must do so without them. I have to take care of my own self. And I will.
I’m sorry you are suffering. I’m so sorry because I know exactly how you feel. I really truly know because almost everything you are going through I’m also going through too.
I don’t know what to do and I’ve done everything I can to help myself and things are even more hopeless than ever. I’m so afraid.
I hope prayer will work this time because i just prayed for you and for me.
I love my family with all my heart. I just sometimes feel they would be better off without me.
That’s exactly how I feel. I am lucky to have them but that makes me feel even worse for wishing every night that I don’t wake up
You may feel that your family would be better off without you – but how do you know they feel the same way? I’m not trying to make you feel guilty, or saying that you have to stay alive, but sometimes what we assume would be better for another person – for example, being without the ‘burden’ of caring for us when we’re suffering – isn’t what they want (or rather, of course they’d be glad if we got better, but it doesn’t mean they’d be happier if we died).
When I was a teenager, my father used to say jokingly that as he had one daughter (me) and two sons, one of the boys was spare, but he hadn’t decided which one. He was only joking, but at the time, I took it much too seriously and used to think, ‘No! Neither of my brothers is expendable, but parents shouldn’t have more children, therefore the one who ought to die must be me, and maybe if I wasn’t around, my parents might appreciate my brothers more instead of comparing them to me.’ But of course, if I had died, in practice it would have made the situation harder for my brothers, because instead of being compared with their real, academically fairly successful but socially and emotionally immature older sister, they might well have been constantly compared with an imaginary perfect daughter (Your sister would never have used every cup in the house without washing up – your sister would have stayed in every night to study for her A-levels – etc).
How we think about ourselves can often be filtered through negativity bias (if someone says, ‘You’re a very kind, caring person,’ we assume they’re just being polite, but if someone says, ‘You’re a waste of space,’ we take this as a literal, factual statement that we ought not to exist and therefore have a duty to kill ourselves). So, as Linda Straubel said in another comment here, ‘Don’t believe everything you think.’
I despise that I was born into this world of total enslavement. We all are existing within someone else’s design – not nature’s. I completely resent that. I desire to survive this life on my own terms – not coerced or forced to toe the line. I respect the natural world and appreciate that it isn’t perpetrating a psychopathic agenda upon humanity. No. It is neutral and yet it offers all of the lessons and pure wisdom to those who rely upon it. I don’t belong in the modern world. I am not wired to tolerate the absurd. I hate the superficiality of gluttonous consumerism. The obscene obsession with technology is grotesque. It is entirely void of the spiritual. The call of the void grows ever stronger and yet the only handhold is the very thing that I loathe.
[This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy.]
100% agree. I wish there was a better way. Disgusting people, disgusting society. I never asked to be here and resent the fact that I am being told I have to stay here.
I feel exactly the same. I hate this country so much it’s like a poison filling me up with no room for anything else. Before Trump, I was pretty down, but now all I want to do is leave. This country is irredeemable, and I’m trapped here. The very least they could do is offer assisted suicide.
Okay, I don’t live in America, but I don’t like much of what the government of my country is doing at the moment, either. But I don’t hate my country as a whole – that would mean hating everyone in it, which doesn’t make sense. If two commentators on this site who both live in America agree with each other and write supportive comments to each other, they obviously don’t hate everyone who lives in America.
If everyone who is disgusted by unjust, uncaring aspects of their country’s culture responds by killing themselves, that country is left only with those who approve or don’t care. This is why we need protest and activism movements to make things better. At least nowadays, with the internet, it’s easier to make your voice heard. Yes, there will be people who respond with hate-speech (just as there would be if you were speaking on a soapbox in a public park), but because they aren’t physically near you, at least they can’t shoot you. And there are other people who do listen and agree, and sign your petitions. Don’t give up!
Dear “Nobody,” I hope this is the same OP I wanted to respond to; if you’re the one who wrote about a downward spiral, then I have a word or two for you. While your life may seem hopeless, you write quite well and that might be a way for you to express and thus purge some of your most negative feelings. The post I wanted to respond to directly didn’t have a “reply” button for some reason, so I did a CT-F search for the word “nobody.” There were 39 hits, many of them in the context of “nobody cares,” or “nobody understands,” and, of course, many were responding that that’s not true. People on this site care. Dr. Freedenthal cares. A therapist would care.
@Leslie, nobody, anonymous and others. I share your views and this adds to my depression (loss of loved one), seeing our societies are in a downward spiral. I practice praying everyday, it seems to be the only option for me. And I try to reach out to meet new people, while not expecting too much though it is hard during pandemic, there are many people who are similarly dissatisfied with our current state of our societies. I am very sorry from my heart that we are all are suffering. All I can do here is to give a virtual hug to everyone who come to this blog. Sunshine and : ) – despite the terrible things we humans do, nature, birds, flowers return again and again to remind us that there is still goodness and beauty. Perhaps we can reach out and meet some new people, form groups and do something together – even in small actions. You are all in my prayers. Let’s always remember each other. Take Care.
Hate life
I really can’t go on. My 40th wedding anniversary is coming up on 1/29 & honestly I can’t seem to feel anything. I’ve got mental issues ( molestation from age 9 to 12 & stranger assault & rape, I was 15 & a virgin).
Covid response has flipped on my anxiety over masks due to my molestation & rape. Seeing covered faces & having to put that filthy rag on my face makes me so anxious & angry. I’ve stopped showering or changing my clothes, ( why bother? I don’t want anyone to be near me). I can’t even go food shopping because I get anxious & can’t concentrate on getting what I need. I had two jobs, but was forced to retire from one because of the masking. Both my jobs acted like they were concerned about me, but, no, covering their asses in case I die on their watch was more the thing. Not about helping me. I was happy & looking forward to retirement because I had hobbies & a social life. Now I just want to go to sleep & not wake up. I’ve been down this road before & have no desire to live in this world. I’ll never put trust in anyone or anything again. People really don’t give a fuck, telling me to think of my husband & daughters. I’m tired of insomnia or sleeping all the time. Tired of being so angry that I relish the wrong person bother me about that filthy rag that I can’t keep on my face because I’ll definitely beat the hell out them or hopefully kill them. Just over it. I’ll never trust anyone especially doctors, because I’ve tried that in the past. Putting me on shit that makes me even more suicidal. Nah, why bother. I do hope in the future they finally start to properly punish child molesters by shooting them in the head. Since I was dealt a life sentence of pain, makes sense that the person that hurts a child & ruins their life should be put down with a bullet to the head.
Dear Robin,
I hope you manage to get through today all right. I don’t know what your marriage is like, or what your husband is like, but I can imagine that the trauma of having been sexually abused as a child would likely have made being in a relationship more complicated, to say the least.
You mention your husband and daughters – could any of them deal with things like shopping, if the anxiety over masks prevents you from doing it? Could a friend or neighbour shop for you? (In 2020 when the first lockdowns began, I took over shopping for a neighbour who was self-isolating, and we ended up becoming good friends.) Or could you get a medical exemption from wearing a mask? As long as most of us are wearing masks, I don’t think it’s a problem if the people who genuinely can’t – whether because of physical problems like asthma, traumatic experiences like yours, or whatever – don’t wear them.
You say you were looking forward to retirement and being able to spend more time on your hobbies and your social life. I hope you can get back to a frame of mind where you are able to enjoy these. At the moment, you’re tired of insomnia or sleeping all the time, but maybe it’s just that you need rest in order to recover? If you are awake all night and then sleep most of the day, or awake for twenty-four hours and then sleep for the next twenty-four, or whatever, just get what sleep you can, when you can.
I quit my job because of stress five years ago, and since then I haven’t done as much of the things I thought I’d be doing (like writing) as I expected, but I’ve been doing more of others, including being supportive to my partner (who is dealing with emotional problems of his own), developing friendships with neighbours, and getting out for walks (overcoming my fear that I couldn’t find my way on a long walk alone). My partner has also taken early retirement, and found a completely new direction in life from 2020, translating German fantasy novels into English.
Are there things you can enjoy doing if you can’t sleep at night? My favourites are reading fanfiction on the internet, and playing simple, plotless computer games like Tetris. Therapists tend to discourage doing anything computer-based when you can’t sleep, but it usually helps me relax and cheer up.
I agree with you about psychiatric drugs, and it’s difficult to get medical help that isn’t drug-based. The only medication I’ve been on that actually made me MORE depressed was for epilepsy, but none of the antidepressants I’ve been regularly on has actually made me feel better. I’ve been prescribed a small dose of an antipsychotic to take occasionally when I reach a crisis, but the difficult part is deciding what constitutes a crisis, and when I do take it, it often doesn’t do more than enable me to get some sleep – but then I start back on the same worries when I wake up. But cutting down slightly on my anticonvulsant has helped.
Is it possible to get therapy that isn’t drug-based, where you are? In Britain, it’s sometimes possible to get talking therapies like Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for free on the National Health Service – but to get it, you pretty much have to be too mentally ill for a 16-session course of CBT to be much help. And therapists bound to stick to a short course (because there are so many more people on the waiting list) can sometimes stick to a prescribed script of suggestions that are statistically likely to help the majority of patients, without listening to THIS patient’s problems and understanding why what the therapist is saying isn’t helpful. Some private counsellors can be more helpful – but equally, some of them can be useless.
You say you can’t be bothered showering or changing your clothes if you don’t want anyone near you. But I suppose the time to start washing is when YOU feel fed up with being grubby. Are there any ways of washing (maybe having a bath instead of a shower, for a change?) that you might enjoy, or that would help you feel more relaxed? I like deep baths, but don’t want to waste water, so I scrub myself with a flannel at the washbasin most days, and have a long soak followed by a shower once a week.
Please be kind to yourself.
Why do people bully you, beat you , rape you, make you incredibly uncomfortable, take things from you slander you , and lie about you. UNTIL you do not want to be here or are in a hospital bed with tubes hooked up to your lifeless body or when you are dead?
Why do they suddenly act concerned “For a while” when you seriously think about ending a life where no one wants you.
Why do they all of the sudden stop.
I can tell you the answer my husband had gave me while doctors had me on 38 pills where 10 of the medications actually caused suicide ideations and actions. (Get that, they give medications that actually cause the problem you have because you are most of the time from what I have gathered, because you are being abused in the home you live in.
My self personally, Per my husband, I was raped unconscious there are more disgusting details to that story however I will spare you. His comment after he was arrested the day of my sister’s birthday when he choked me and after his counselor who also helped me get off the medications told me I had to drop the charges if I wanted my marriage to work. So I asked my husband if he was going to try to kill me why did he bother saving me when a letter had been written and in a coma for 3 days. His answer was simple, profound, and a shock when he stated most calmly, “I didn’t want you to die on my watch.” This was after 8 years of being married to the man. “He didn’t want me to de on his watch” I receive the same treatment now from many of the same people just like him. They push and push and rape and lie about me but now its them basically saying (Just not aloud) “I don’t want you to die on my watch”
They don’t care about you and if you died a few blocks away off their turf they would never shed a tear or nothing. They would focus on whom is on their watch at the time.
I AGREE!!!!
And, believe that animal abusers need to have the Same thing done to them!!! An eye for an eye
Dear Anonymous,
Are you away from your husband now (and in a place where he can’t get at you)? Your story sounds truly horrific. Perhaps this counsellor didn’t believe you, if they told you to ‘drop the charges if you wanted your marriage to work’. From what you’ve said, this sounds like a marriage past saving, and the important thing is to get you safe and in a place where you’ve got a chance of rebuilding your life, and your husband in a place where he isn’t able to harm you or anyone else. Please don’t give in.
Medications – these can have seriously horrific side-effects. I have epilepsy, and in 2008 I was switched to a different anticonvulsant, levetiracetam, which stopped my seizures completely (and didn’t make me sleepy the way my previous medication did) – but my mental health got much worse. As I had always been prone to depression anyway, I didn’t assume there was a direct link, but just thought, ‘Maybe, now that I’m physically healthy, I’m making myself mentally worse so that my parents need to look after me, because I’m afraid of being healthy and having to be independent.’ Only this January (after repeatedly trying to get an appointment with a neurologist to discuss reducing my medication, since I’ve been completely free of seizures since 2008, I suspect the dose may be more than I actually need, and the commonest side-effects of the medication include depression) did I unilaterally decide to reduce the amount I took to three-quarters of the prescribed dose, and I haven’t had a depressive episode all month (and no seizures either).
“I am torn between the two: I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is better by far; but it is more necessary for you that I remain in the body.” (Phil 1:23-24)
Thank You
I hate my life ..
I don’t want to live. God kill me quickly
Her green plastic watering can
For her fake Chinese rubber plant
In the fake plastic earth
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plans
To get rid of itself
It wears her out
It wears her out
It wears her out
It wears her out
She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins
And it wears him out
It wears him out
It wears him out
It wears
She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out
It wears me out
It wears me out
It wears me out
And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted
All the time
All the time
I feel the same as other people on this site. Every night before I go to sleep, I hope and pray that I’ve spent my last day here on earth. I won’t commit suicide because of the pain that my loved ones would feel. Although one of my children feels I’ve failed her, my other child loves me. I love both of my children fiercely. I have nieces and nephews who love me very much. I cherish their love and I try to be here for them all of the time. My brothers both love me and I them. I lost my mama 6 years ago and my purpose for striving in this life died with her. I had to move her to a nursing home the last two years of her life and I’ll never live over that. If I could’ve paid for care at home for her, I would have. I’ll never recover from her death. I have two little dogs who are by my side always. I’m single and 70 years old. I work hard and have a good place to live, but I suffer from bipolar disorder. I have a good psychiatrist and the best medications but I’m so sad most every day. Day after day, night after night, I hurt so bad inside. Why do I feel so sad and tired all of the time? I’m so tired all of the time? All of my lab tests came back good recently. No red flags. Maybe this is as good as it gets for me. I read other people’s sad stories on this site, I feel sad that I’m not happy since I seem to have a good life looking in from the outside, but the pain inside of me is the same as others. The pain is real, and it rarely stops. If only my mom was still here and healthy. She lived with me for 15 years before the nursing home. I live alone, but I’m not lonely. I must live alone. Being married is out of the question because I can hardly manage to hang on for myself. If I had a relationship the pressures involved in that would push me over the edge where I teeter on all of the time. I hope I don’t wake up tomorrow. I’ve spoken to a friend who has agreed to take care of my little dogs when I die. I’m working to keep my little trailer house clean so no one will else will face my mess when I die which I hope comes any day now. I have life insurance to leave for my children when I die. I’ve paid for a cremation policy so my children won’t have any expenses for my burial. I’v prepared for death to come knocking on my door so my loved ones won’t have anything to do when death comes. If only it would come this minute, today, or tonight. I have no purpose any longer. Come Lord Jesus, come.
Sorry to hear this. I sometimes feel the same especially when things are going not so good. I’ve learned that the more I feed these thoughts they grow. Life is hard no one ever said it’ll be easy. We have to learn to deal with what we have and make the best of it. The devil wants us to feel these emotions he wants us to give up and have despair but GOD is good he is all we need we have to surrender to his calling. Allow him to give us the peace we so badly yearn for. I know it’s hard and I know it’s seems like it’s never ending but we have to change our way of thinking. Life isn’t that bad only if you want it to be. My dad always says you can’t have a bad day you allow people to make you have a bad day. Sometimes it is ourselves we feed negativity and it grows and grows until the enemy wins we have to stop!! You mentioned you have children live for them I don’t have any but I bet if I did I’ll definitely have something to live for beside my parents and sibling’s
Praying for you !! Give all you burdens to GOD and find rest in him Matthew 11:28
I can’t stand my life, I was married 20 years and my wife left, a month later my son was killed in an accident , my gf broke up with me a month ago, and all my family live out of state, and I don’t speak to my parents at all, I work in mental health, believe it or not, and it’s at a dangerous psych hospital. Very draining, and now everyone’s getting sick with Covid and I’m burning out. My ex gf is already with someone else, and now I’m renting a room in a nasty place where the dogs have fleas and piss on the floor. It’s like I can’t get a break…I started drinking a bunch to just be numb. Which in the end only makes me feel worse, but I do it anyways. When I wake up in the morning, I’m always disappointed I woke up, and this Xmas was the hardest I’ve had in a long time. I have zero libido, I’m just burning out. Thanks for listening
You need to get help. Your life is worth it.
I can’t seem to find any real happiness anymore. I want to just sleep and never wake up again. I don’t feel like a part of my family, and I don’t think I ever really was. I am beyond frustrated with dealing with this everyday. I feel so selfish. If I could go back to when I was younger I would tell myself to just runaway from it all because it doesn’t get better, it just gets more isolating. I still keep trying to fix me, but I don’t know how to anymore and I’m so tired. There are people on here who seem to have had it far worse than me, I wish I could help instead of complaining.
Patrick, I could be wrong, but I think the facts that you recognize that others have it worse than you, and that you wish you could help them, are both very good signs. Besides that, your post doesn’t “read” like complaining to me; it’s more like lamenting, which is different, since you are looking outward and inward. It’s not too late to “run away.” If your family is making you miserable, you have every right to leave. It’s not selfish to protect yourself from toxic family members. My life improved immensely when I left mine. What I found was that my role in my family was fixed and unchangeable. It took decades away from all of them for some of my brothers to recognize why I had to leave and for some of us to reconnect.
So Many people will not talk with me. My sister refuses to accept that our mother did not love me. She allowed the middle brother to brutalize me every time I made better grades and our mother never punisthed him. I have no friends and my wife died last year and the USAF decided that I was not doing my job. My supervisor stated I was but his boss the commander said I was not because our COMM department did not want to help me and that is their job. I retired because of the threat that the commander refused to obey the regulations and he was not punished so I am alone and no friends.
I’m sorry about the unpleasant things that have happened in your story. I feel for you and am sending you positive energy to start up, start over and keep going!
Sorry, I feel the same way!
Just another day. I lost my wife of 32 years my only reason for living. My family is dead and I have no children. I’m alone I won’t commit suicide but I don’t want to live. I’m not going to reach out for help because I don’t want any. I ask God every day to take me in my sleep but he won’t do it. I get up every day and tell myself I won’t have to worry about going to hell I’m already there. I seriously have no reason to go on or want to.
“going to hell, because I’m already there”. I get that one, amen brother.
I feel the same
God has a plan for you. Keep living brother. The world is a better place with you in it. Peace be with you.
I’ve had feelings of wanting to end my life since I was in middle school. Since then and now into my 40’s I still have that desire. I have tried and been on dozens of medications through out the years but nothing has made me feel like I shouldn’t just end my life.
I’ve had those thoughts since age 7. My mom was very abusive to my sister and I. I grabbed my sister’s hand at that age and we climbed out the top floor window to the roof. I told her on the count of 3, we jump. She was 8, I was 7. She pulled back when I reached 3. Unsuccessful attempt at age 57. Now 63 and still do not want to be here. I just want to be in Heaven with my best friend, my dog. Do not like people.
I’ve always felt like my entire life has been a struggle, and finally when I thought things were getting better, it all came crumbling down in the span of a month. My partner doesn’t understand me, and I have no friends or family to talk to either. Now I’m back to searching for ways to go to sleep forever and I’m glad I found this site. I’m honestly tired of having to always struggle, and trying so hard to just pick myself back up.
I have four grown children, I am tired of living this life. Being single and not having that special someone in my life makes life very isolating. I have few friends, my mother is gone she raised me on her own she had to leave this world and left me behind. I think about dying a lot I’m ready to go. I do not believe in the afterlife anymore once you are dead that is it. I think about getting life insurance so my children will have something as I was unable to give them very much in their life they’ve had to struggle as well thankfully none of them have children yet. I know that if I commit suicide the policy will not pay. I am only a shell walking around that sees is no hope.
I feel the same. I’m sorry you are suffering. My heart goes out to you.
I know exactly how you feel, your not alone ( I know saying that does not help), in the same boat. Being alone sucks, lost my partner 5 years ago. I just want to sleep and not wake up.
Nash, and everyone here. I am completely with you. Everyday since the loss of my life partner over 25 years, wanting to take an exit has been always there. Simply I no longer care for this world and it’s absurd materialistic culture. In my heart though, I hope we who have suffered deeply can be healed soon. And I pray for you all every day, since this is the last option. So may you smile, may the sun gives you warmth, may love surround you once again.
It doesn’t matter how you want to die, but just want to when no one cares if you live or die! I even wish I would get covid, cancer or die instantly in a car accident! The holidays are the worst and no family! Their is nothing to live for when no one cares if you die! Some people even try to drive you to it!
I know, I think same things, hope I get Covid or they find cancer or I just become victim of a random shooting walking out of a store. Holidays are the worst.
I am 90 years old. Very good health. No financial problems. Loving family near. However, I feel that I have no purpose in life anymore. I often think it would be ok if I just did not wake up tomorrow.
I feel somewhat related to some of the statements made on this site, which, I discovered by accident.
Hello William,
Thanks for writing here. It must be so hard, after living through so much, to feel you lack purpose. I asked people I converse with on Twitter what they’d say to you. Sometime, after I turn in a book manuscript that’s due Jan. 3, I’d like to incorporate their wisdom into a blog post with your question. In the meantime, I hope you’ll read their tweets and see what advice and thoughts they offer you. I don’t think you have to belong to Twitter to read it. Here’s the link: https://twitter.com/SFreedenthal/status/1470861081316925444?s=20
57 years old. Diagnosed major depression disorder / PTSD. 26 years as a cop. I’d be so happy not to wake up tomorrow. I had a heart attack in 2014. My “dream” while I was on the ER table getting cardiac thumps, was a completely peaceful field of pastel colored plants on rolling hills. I didn’t have a single care or worry in the world during the two minutes my heart had stopped. I’m yearning for that peaceful bliss again. The world feels grey and everyone hates each other.
Dear Sad Man – with your long history as a cop, it seems perfectly reasonable to me that you’d suffer both depression and PTSD. However, I’ve had those thoughts, too, and just didn’t act on them in a serious way. I understand your longing for peace and quiet. But I also know this: a wise man once wrote: “Don’t believe everything you think.” This must be especially true of someone suffering with both depression and PTSD. In those states, everything gets exaggerated, including such statements as: “. . . Everyone hates each other.” These are tough times and peoples’ hostility has been stirrred up and has risen to the surface. However, I know for an absolute fact that everyone does not hate each other. I don’t hate you, e.g., or my husband or my friends. I have passive suicidal thoughts frequently and for most of my life. I’ve learned not to take them seriously and just let them pass through me without putting up resistance. Sometimes, I just answer back, “No you don’t.” By now, those thoughts have become a habit of thought, like biting your nails or cracking your knuckles. For me, they’ve become a minor annoyance, much less severe than a balky computer program. I am so sorry you’re hurting and I’d just like to close by thanking you for your service.
Thank you. It comes in waves. At times I am content. I have a wonderful wife, an adult step-son, and two horrible, rotten mutts that I adore. My mind just runs away on me. I dwell on my failures, my embarrassments, my most awful moments, and I can’t jump off the hamster wheel. I get “locked” into awful incidents I experienced on the job. The smells, the sounds… I relive them. I can’t compartmentalize memories from now sometimes. When I can sleep, I find respite there.
Sad Man,
This sounds so painful. I can’t recall from your previous comments, are you receiving help? The symptoms you describe are treatable for many, many people. I hope you’ll try treatment – not just one kind, but many if the first ones don’t work – before ending your life, if that’s what you’re considering.
By treatment, I mean psychotherapy, medication, mindfulness training, EMDR, and skills training (a la DBT). I’m not saying you need one or the other specifically – it’d be irresponsible of me to do that – just that there are options with evidence of effectiveness.
In my own experience, I experienced the same kind of obsessive, toxic ruminations you describe above when I was in my worst depressions. Antidepressants helped me dramatically. My experience only, of course; your mileage might vary, as they say.
Take care, and thanks for sharing here.
Sad Man, I hear what you are trying to say….. tired. I just realized that you may have had a near death experience, the scenery you described and the peace all correspond to what I heard from other (NDE) survivor. Would you check into that get connected with a group ndef.org. Perhaps you may find similar experiencers and mutual support? P..S. I am at your age range & lost my true love of over 25 years, and am very depressed since. But I have found the possibility of our souls continue beyond death very comforting…. So in some way you are blessed, you saw the beyond. I know people can be very hateful, but may be you can bring some love into the people you encounter everyday. A cop with a big heart ? May be there is a mission for you ahead ? Please take care. May love and peace surround you.
Thank you. I will check out ndef.org. If I experienced death, or the introduction of it, then I have no fear of the hereafter… it is wonderful.
Antidepressants stopped working. Crippling Ocd and anxiety have took everything. Nothing left.
Never take medication long term. It will leave you a shell.
I lost my wife of 32 years in October, The pain is so unbearable I gave up caring. I went to Therapy and felt worse after leaving than I did going in. I have no family, no children Nobody. It’s hard being totally alone in the world in all of this suffering. I tell myself every day I have no reason for living anymore. My reason for living died. Being an old man I’m ready. Not too much longer, I hope I will be able to be with my wife.Yes, you should be allowed to make your own decisions.
I know what you mean Robert, I am in same boat. Lost my girl of 25 years, 5 years ago,no kids, family could really care less about me. Just want it to end.
I also lost my wife in August to lung, brain, and spine cancer. Life was good up until Sept 8. and 35 days later my life fell apart. My wife just turned 67 and I worked my ass off the last several years making our property look beautiful for her. I had a massive heart attack running on the Blue MyT just 3 years ago. Widow-maker 93% blockage. 20-25% of my heart was damaged. I thought I was going first so I made sure everything around the home was updated so she wouldn’t have any worries dealing with ripoff contactors. She went in the ER the week she was eligible for s.s. We were together 30 years and married 25. She was one of a kind, my best friend, my love, my wife I trusted more than anyone. I see her everywhere. I spend so much time in our living room where I held her hand while she passed away. I am a broken man, lost identity, no purpose. She was my drive. I was so healthy and now barely eat, drink a lot, no exercise hoping to die every damn day.
Hi Anonymous, I see your pain, distraught for I have also lost my 30 years soulmate husband suddenly months ago to cancer. The pain and loneliness run deep, and I am utterly broken. Now I practically do nothing, very depressed, and thinking my exit everyday. So we are in similar situations. In the spirit of your beloved wife, I send you love, peace, and embrace. I believe the souls/spirits of our loved ones continue, they are still with us watching over us ( check out near death experiences and after death communication). Please eat enough every day, with good nutrition food: protein, vegetables, fruits and multi-vitamin. I find easiest to make; a big pot of soup with meat, lots of vegetables. some beans (lentils etc), warm your body up and enough to get by the day. Keep hanging in for now, until you are in better shape to take on more. Your wife does not want you to starve and drink (this does not help). Call up some friends , join a grief bereavement group, online-dating site (just to connect with some female – not necessary a permanent fix, with care to guard against scam though), find a grief therapist to talk to or call your local crisis line. If your children (nearby?) Call them up and ask them to come over and have dinner. Reach out to other people. talking or going for a walk. do some activities together. Look, our loved ones do not want us to suffer like this. For myself, I reason that I can plan my exit when I am little stronger (mentally and physically), but not when I am at this state now. Your wife loves you, and she would wants you to keep up your health, so please stop the drinking too much, get a pet (dog or cat ?), give your love to another living animal which needs our love and love us back unconditionally. Let’s feel the sunshine sometimes. I have just prayed for you. Take Care.
Well that’s it. After 30 years of always being the awkward one, nice with everyone but a little off, and when alone always – ok, nearly- thinking about ending it, hoping i won’t wake up in the morning nearly every night, now i know.
I know why it all stays by ideation, and by half-hearted secret “attempts”. Choosing a bridge, choosing and trying a knot, searching for the best angle for my pistol, all that. Dozens of times.
But I haven’t done it, because it does not bring an end to the pain. It ensures that no end comes to the pain. Don’t think that dying gives a relief from a painful life – you will never know that you are dead.
No, relief in despair is found in realizing that one is mortal anyway, it’s not a choice to be made. Seeing that it will come, that it’s on the doorstep already, that life is short: that gives relief of the pain inside.
By living my disappointing life, how ever unsatifying, I accept that my death will come anyway and that relief or satisfaction have to be found before that moment.
I’ll do my best to enjoy the smallest of nice things. Like looking at playing kids, getting senselessly upset about ideas, walking in the park.
Calculating your life expectancy in remaining days can help, too…
Hi I came across this website because I always felt like I do not belong here. I use to harm myself like slapping myself , pinching , and pulling my hair. I also tried to run myself off the road and jump out of a building. I hate myself sometimes I feel like the world does not understand me and my pain. I was recently diagnosed with bipolar depression and also a AID which causes me to be in pain and can not complete everyday task. I can not hold a job down if my life depended on it. All of my siblings are healthy and living their best lives, I can’t do that. I feel I have a curse because everyone is healthy except me. It make me sad. I have so many racing thoughts and I’m always tired and in pain due to my condition. I used to be very active in sports and just social life now I can’t even get out of bed at times. I can try and work a full work schedule but I become very ill and have to quit or get fired. I hate myself because I am not what I used to be. I have so many talents and I can not pursue them because my body will not allow me. I’m tired of being tired and I wish everything could just end. I feel hopeless and loss.
Sweetheart, I am so sorry to hear what you’re going through. You are not alone and your life is not valueless. I’m sending you love and prayers xx
I just want to give up
Dear Hopeless One,
I feel for you, as I can’t hold down a full-time job either, and I used to self-harm, though unlike you I’m lucky enough not to be in constant physical pain.
I’m struck by the phrase you used about your siblings ‘living their best lives’. It seems to me that the principle of ‘living your best life’ means ‘living the best life that is available to you, right now, given your circumstances’ as opposed to telling yourself that you don’t belong because you aren’t happy, healthy, and able to work full-time (or even to work regularly at all). Maybe when you’re so ill that you can’t even get up, just surviving and being gentle with yourself and resting until you feel (a little bit) better, really IS the best that is available to you right now.
I don’t know whether that will always be the case – anyone’s health fluctuates, and medicine is advancing. (For example, a few decades ago, being diagnosed with HIV would mean that you were going to die soon. These days, there are antiretroviral drugs that can allow HIV positive people to lead normal, healthy lives.)
I had thought that I was doing well, compared with where I had been for much of the last couple of years, because I had managed to go for nearly four weeks without a meltdown. Then, at the weekend, someone said something to me that I took the wrong way, and it plunged me back into despair. But I know that things have been better than they currently are, and can be again.
You have many talents, and perhaps in time you’ll find a way to use some of them even if your health doesn’t allow you to commit to a regular schedule of work. But don’t feel guilty about the times when you can’t. Be kind to yourself.
By the way, do you live alone, or is there anyone with you who can support you and take care of you when you’re at your most ill? We online strangers will try to give emotional support, but I hope there’s someone nearby who can help you with practical tasks when you need it.
Hi everyone. I came to find this site because I typed in the search bar “I just want to go to bed and not wake up”. I just want the hurting to stop and the confusion within myself. I am very successful person on the end of work but that is where it ends. I feel extremely alone, like no one can relate. I would like a response or some conversation started. I don’t really know what to say.
Dear Melissa,
Thank you for your email. You are a brave person, and wise enough to understand that what you want is for the pain to stop, and to be able to resolve your confusion. You don’t make the mistake either of assuming that life must ALWAYS be nothing but misery (which is how it can feel to some people), or believing that you are a bad person and deserve to suffer (which is what I sometimes tell myself, even though I know thinking like that doesn’t achieve anything).
I’m impressed that you are doing well at work (I speak as someone who has given up on numerous jobs because of stress and depression, and who has been unemployed for five years). You obviously have enough self-control to be able to put your own mental turmoil on hold for long enough to concentrate on the needs of clients (I used to try to do this, but occasionally my anguish and self-loathing broke through and made me behave erratically, and as I was a care worker, this could be very alarming for the patients I looked after).
But I get the impression that doing well at work isn’t enough to make you feel fulfilled and worthwhile. In the same way, having daily interactions with colleagues and/or clients (I don’t know what sort of work you do) isn’t the same as having friends you can talk to about personal feelings.
I once tried talking to a counsellor about feeling lonely, and the counsellor (since I’d explained that I am on the autistic spectrum, and she seemed to assume this meant that I was probably unemployed and sat at home all day) suggested that I might go to a day centre where I could sit alongside other people and do art activities. I pointed out that I had a job where I saw people every day, and on my day off, yes, I did go to a coffee morning where I could do art activities or play board games, and yes, I had acquaintances there, but this wasn’t the same as having close friends, and I was miserable living in shared lodgings with housemates who were physically proximate without ever being emotionally close. She suggested that I could maybe move into sheltered accommodation where there would be a warden to help me with tasks like shopping, cooking and laundry. I pointed out that I had been doing those for myself since I was nineteen and in my second year at university. Some people (apparently even including counsellors) don’t seem to understand that loneliness can affect competent professional people as well as those who are housebound, severely disabled or elderly.
What really changed my life was finding a boyfriend, first meeting online and then moving to talking on the phone and meeting in person, who became my husband. The website we met on had boxes to tick for ‘Looking for [romantic] relationship’ and ‘Looking for friendship’, and I’d ticked both, as finding a platonic friendship would have been just as valuable. I hope you can find close friends who can help to make your life worthwhile, whether people who are physically close by or people you correspond with by email. I would be glad to be your friend, if you’d like that.
Do you want to tell me a bit more about yourself – about your job, and what sort of things you like doing when you’re not at work? I’m unemployed, as I said, and I like reading, writing fanfiction, country walks, amateur dramatics, and Dungeons & Dragons.
Melissa, I’m sorry you feel so alone. However, I think it’s an excellent sign that you chose to reach out to us, and to Dr. Freedenthal, on this site. I know that a lot of very successful people feel like that’s the only thing they have going for them, but it takes a lot to succeed in this world and you shouldn’t dismiss that; it’s important that you recognize that and give yourself credit for it. As to what else makes you feel that way, sometimes our personal lives suffer because of all the effort it takes to build a successful career. My best advice, other than reaching out to us, is to seek counseling. You can do it online now with or without the Zoom application. While we can “keep you company” through this site, nothing compares to speaking with a professional. Even if you don’t think that would help, to me, it’s worth a shot.
I did pretty much the same I googled “painless ways to not wake up”. And here I am. It’s loneliness for me it’s just too much.
I feel like you say, “just not wakeup.” I differ in that I have no pain, no problems health or otherwise…I just don’t feel any reason to go on.
HI Melissa, I get it. I am successful as well, but at end of the day just fee alone. No one to really relate to, no one that understands. Unless one has experienced depression, they are clueless as to how it feels and what it is about. Have tried counseling, meds, etc, nothing seems to work. Would be nice to just be able to relate with someone else that “gets it”.
Melissa-
I typed a similar search into the search bar. Wound up here and not surprised. I’m successful and most people don’t understand why I hate myself and my life. Definitely have feeling of isolation, loneliness and the despair of hopelessness almost 24/7. Also struggling with addiction issues which is a nice crutch until it isn’t. On the bright side, if there weren’t people like us then this site wouldn’t exist and I would have had to find something else to read on Christmas eve morning. In the short term I can take solace in the fact others suffer similar pain and passive suicidal thoughts. Also nice that I didn’t need a login to post here, cuz this post wouldn’t exist if I did need one. Anyway, definitely tired of talking with “professionals” about my struggles, I relate better to people who struggle. Hunter S. Thompson once wrote ‘I would feel real trapped in this life if I didn’t know I could commit suicide at any time’. As dark as that may sound, those words have helped me. You’re not alone Merry Christmas
Melissa – It’s perfect that you should cite Hunter S. Thompson, as I’ve always loved his hell-bent, crazy humor. I also loved the way he used his pain as both an outlet and a career. If you haven’t already, you should read his Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and watch Bill Murray’s rendition of Thompson in the movie Where the Buffalo Roam. There’s something bracing about the weird humor in both. I’m wishing you a holiday season as painless as possible. As to your self-loathing, I’ve been there, and, in some ways, I “visit” frequently, but I always answer back and don’t take those thoughts at face value. The source of it is clear as day. The way others have treated you, especially when you’re young and “moldable” asserts a terribly powerful and lasting influence on your own self-image, though I am sure you know this already. My hectoring, condemning interior voice is clearly my mother’s and that’s who I answer back, quietly, of course. Your efforts and hard work have made you successful in the outside world. I have faith in your ability to spend that same sort of effort to make your interior world more of a success, as well. For me, it’s been a life-long battle, but I’ve managed to survive it. I hope visiting this site helps you as it has helped me.
Very well said and thank you. Really needed to hear this on Christmas eve
i lost my wife 15 years ago i have been to doctors didn’t help.i am tired of because people feel you should be over everything after 15 years but i loved my wife very much she died very sudden while i was at work my son was home she was my everything we did everything together.had plans when i retired we would travel but we never got to.after all these years i am just tired.I lost two brothers during these years.i know the way isn’t considered normal but that’s the way it is.
Frank, I deeply feel for your pain. I am in the same position as your 15 years ago. My beloved husband – life partner since youth has suddenly passed on 8 months ago, and we had our retirement plan. And I likewise feel very tired of this life. Please take care of yourself, perhaps your son can still be your source of joy somehow…. May the love of God be upon you everyday.
HI Alice, 8 months ago, it is still very fresh and raw for you. It is going on 5 years for me, and still miss her all the time. Was looking forward to retirement and travel, but the thought of all that alone, has no appeal, I too am very tired of this life, get that part.
I get it Frank, going on 5 years for me she’s been gone, miss her every day, I am looking to retire soon and looks like will be spending those years alone. I am sick of it, just want to go to sleep and not wake up, there is no more purpose to my life it feels.
a very honest and sincere website. as should be for this very fragile subject.
I was diagnosed with schizophrenia and whilst the medication helps I don’t like that it made me gain weight and I feel too tired mentally and physically to do simple tasks like bathing, cooking, and this takes a toll on my husband even though he’s been super supportive. I really wish I could just sleep and not wake up. I know my husband will miss me but he can hopefully move on and remarry.
So sorry you’re in so much pain. I wish I was never born,then I wouldn’t have to go through such a miserable childhood and adulthood.
I agree. Years of depression bipolar and anxiety disorders I am tired of. Feeling better then feeling worse. My wife telling me she doesn’t find me attractive anymore. The jobs promotions and friends I left because of my aniexty and awkwardness. I am old now and realize I am ugly and will never find someone
Dear Lost,
I’m sorry for all your pain, especially your wife leaving you. I know that I’m difficult for my partner to deal with when I’m going through a psychotic episode (as I was yesterday), but going through hard times are when we need loving friends and family the most. Websites like this one, and counsellors and therapists, do their best to help, but we all need real friends who choose to stick by us, as well as professionals.
Please don’t assume that you’ll never find anyone who will stick by you and care for you, and please don’t assume that because your ex-wife had stopped finding you attractive, it means you’re too ugly for anyone to love. My partner and I (mostly happily married for the past five years, despite some tough times) found each other online when neither of us had been in a long-term relationship before. My friend and her husband found each other, also online, in their fifties. I don’t know how old you are, but relationships are about compatibility, not looks. I’m not saying online dating is always good (some of my other friends have had disasters), but it is a way to meet a person who decides whether they’re interested in getting to know you on the basis of your personality and interests rather than your looks.
I’ve given up on jobs because of anxiety, depression and lack of confidence too (am currently unemployed). But that doesn’t mean you can’t find something creative and worthwhile to do with your time – not necessarily a paid job, but something that makes the world a better place. You’re going through a hard time, and maybe you’ll never be completely stable and problem-free in this life, but perhaps you can find things that make it worth living. In the meantime, be kind to yourself.
Dear Tired,
Thank you for your email, and I can see that life must be a struggle for you and your husband at the moment – especially if you feel under pressure to deal with ‘Christmassy’ things like sending out cards, going shopping, arranging whether to visit relatives or have relatives come to you or explain why you’re staying in, when it’s hard enough just coping with daily living. I hope you can get enough rest.
I’m glad that your medication is helping, anyway. (At times when I’ve had to take daily doses of psychiatric meds, they just had adverse side-effects like weight-gain without helping me mentally.) But suffering the side-effects like being exhausted is tough to deal with.
If I were in your husband’s situation, I’d find it tiring caring for you while you’re ill, but I’d remember that caring for each other ‘in sickness and in health’ is part of what marriage is about. But if I were your husband and you died, I’d be devastated. I know everyone dies eventually anyway, but that doesn’t mean that someone dying sooner than necessary ever feels as though it’s ‘for the best’ for the bereaved partner.
I am sometimes very hard for my partner to deal with when I’m suffering a paranoid episode and not in a fit state to be rational (as I was yesterday). My partner is saner than I am (though he has episodes of feeling depressed and listless), but suffers from physical fatigue, which means that I tend to do most of the cooking, washing-up and cleaning, plus breaking off from other activities to sit with him and try to cheer him up with a hug and a board game when he feels despondent. I think I have much the easier task than he does (though admittedly he isn’t as physically debilitated as you describe yourself as being). But both of us love each other, are very grateful to be together, and would be heartbroken to lose each other.
Are you able to talk to your husband (or maybe write a letter, if you’re too tired to hold a conversation about it) explaining how you feel, and asking him what he wants? I know it’s an incredibly difficult conversation to have, but it might be better than trying to guess.
I can relate and sympathize with nearly all of these posts. I get really tired of people saying things will get better. I have had MDD, anxiety and CPTSD for over 40 years and I really do not want to be alive. My kids are grown, I have no family other than them. I recently lost my job because the company went out of business. I have no mate and 40 years is a very long time to suffer with all of the pain I feel.
I too feel this way, though I have friends they are miles away
These people don’t understand. They live in a totally different world. I also suffer from MDD, CPTSD, anxiety and severe panic. I’m down to 88 pounds. I’ll never recover. I’m in unbearable agony every day and night. I can’t tolerate the way everybody thinks they can make us better or we can just make ourselves better. It’s time for a change in the perception of true disease of the mind.
To the writer, have you personally suffered from any thing in this article? Are you basing ANY of it off of experience or just from hearsay, research, etc.?
I ask because I hear the same crap over and over. Especially “It will get better” 4 words I can’t stand hearing. I’ve suffered with depression since I was 17. It got far worse in 2015 when I went through a traumatic incident adding PTSD, Anxiety, eating disorder, stress Disorder and so on. I have been through a dozen counselors, several doctors, medication after medication, I’ve tried everything you can name. Guess what? Nothing helps!! Yes,
I do want to die, I don’t have a plan but the more negative that gets put on me as the years pass… the more I realize that for some, I don’t think there is help. And if you already feel dead inside, is it really suicide? People say that suicide is a selfish act, but as a person who feels suicidal, I think it’s selfish for those around me to say things like that because they don’t live the daily, hourly, minute to minute, every ticking second of misery. How much does some one have to endure, slipping through the cracks in the medical aspect, not having much family, no friends… and now, a boyfriend… ex boyfriend who went above and beyond to force me to only see myself as negative, never good enough,
Places allll blame on me… well, after coming out of a 17 year mentally, emotionally and verbally abusive marriage… leaves you hopeless. As well as I’ve been living with an immense amount of pain that they can’t figure out how to help.
So my question is; How Damn Long does one have to suffer because it’s “selfish” to do anything. How long do I have to fake every single day just to not have others worry? I am a burden to those I know. I stay here, they’re happy, but I am NOT and after 20years with no relief in sight… WHEN IS IT MY TURN? When do I get to leave this world and end the constant , CONSTANT unbearable pain?!
I feel the same way…. thanks for writing that
I definitely hear where you’re coming from. Its better to never have been born
Angie,
I can see in your words how much you’re hurting, and how you feel hopeless that you’ll ever feel better again. I’m sorry, that must be so very painful.
To answer your question, yes, I have personally suffered my own mental health challenges and attempted suicide. You can read about my story, if you wish, in these pieces:
Therapists, Suicide, and Stigma: My Story
Why I Came Out of the Suicide Closet
A Suicide Therapist’s Secret Past
Part of the reason I decided to share my story publicly was because readers of this website told me I couldn’t possibly understand what it’s like to be suicidal, and I wanted people, like you, to know I’ve been there, too. So I appreciate your asking. I hope it helps you in some way to know that I’m not writing about suicide purely based on research or others’ reports, but also my own experiences.
I hope things get better for you, even though it seems to you that’s impossible; I hope life surprises you!
I couldn’t have written that any better myself. I feel exactly the same way.
OUT FUCKING STANDING! Applause, applause…
They think its selfish. I feel they dont really care or think you are just being lazy, attention seeking, something. Thats how i feel anyways. Ive had people say some pretty shitty things at my lowest. never been this low. then if you do it. then they would say. i wish i knew. i would have tried to help
Very well said!!! I couldn’t put it into words but you have hit the nail on the head. THANK YOU for this post. It’s exactly how I feel. It’s agonizing pain. I’m sorry we have to go through this and be treated as if we know nothing about our own very real hopeless suffering. I wish for our pain to end.
Once again for the second time this year, my rapist attorney brother who used to beat me for 15 years when we were kids and started raping me when I was only 10 has now raped me all over again, but from 3000 miles away. I spoke of my story publicly when I also discovered my pedophile attorney brother went back to school so he can become a teacher, I tried to prevent this as I know he will molest any number of his students again. I tried using the legal system to help me hold him accountable for what he did to me since they changed the statute of limitations and also to make sure a rapist can’t become a teacher. After talking to over 30 attorneys, it seems that the ONLY people who can get justice for their childhood rapes are the boys who were molested by the church and scouts, because they have settlement money put aside. I am just as traumatized as those boys are, but probably even more, because I had to live with my rapist and see him every single day. And the adults in my life knew what was going on, but did nothing because they cared more about protecting my sick brother. Out of all of the sexual assaults in this country 91% of the victims are female and 9% are male, yet only the males victims are allowed to get justice, where is this okay and right?
After I graduated college I moved 3000 miles away from my rapist brother and my sick parents. But now because I wanted to take my brother to court, and the fact that he is an attorney, he has used the legal system to basically rape me all over again. He served me with a Domestic Violence Restraining Order, despite the fact that we live 3000 miles away and I have maybe said 100 words to him in over 40 years, and most of all because HE is the abuser. I had to find an attorney 3000 miles away from me and I did, but after our first conversation I fired him because he did not appear to be qualified to defend me. He then had me talk to his colleague, but I told him that I still did not want to rehire my attorney and just before I hung up the phone, he told me that my attorney had gone up against my brother’s attorney several times and won every time. So I thought maybe I was wrong about my attorney and did rehire him based on the fact that he was experienced with my brother’s attorney. It turns out that was a lie and was told to me so I would rehire my attorney.
We had the trial, and the judge was incredibly biased towards my brother and his attorney. My brother lied multiple times, which the judge was not aware of, except for 1 lie which we presented to the court to prove my brother lied, but the judge didn’t seem to care that he broke the oath he took to tell the truth. My brother also refused to take any kind of test to prove his innocence while I readily agreed. That should have been a tip off to the judge, that my brother was hiding something. If I was accused of rape, and was innocent, I would do anything to prove I was innocent. In the end, the judge found in favor of my rapist, who he referred to as a “credible witness.” I would think anyone who commits perjury in court, is CLEARLY NOT credible, but he opposite of credible. But the very worst part, was this white male, misogynistic judge ordered me to pay damages of 60K ‼️ to my rapist. Given that my sick brother discovered that this judge was clearly on his side and did not have any issues with rapists or the fact that a rapist was going to be in a classroom with young girls, he took me back to court. Again this POS judge, found in my rapist’s favor and has again ordered me to pay damages to my rapist because I contacted his attorney asking him to make sure that my brother does not contact my kids as they want nothing to do with him. Clearly this judge is ignorant and doesn’t like women and has never had anyone close to him sexually abused. If he did know about rape from a family member, he would NEVER have forced a victim to pay damages to her rapist. So I have decided that this is a world that I no longer want to live in. I can’t survive in a world where our courts protect rapists and punish their victims. My very soul is damaged and was already broken, but now it is demolished and can never be put back together again. It will fester in my mind over and over again, day after day. It’s already bad enough that I have to relive my rapes over and over again in my nightmares, but now I will always have to keep looking over my shoulder because my brother now has the power over me again and a judge who condones him coming after me.
So I am done with this life, the only issue is that my kids will not give me permission to go. They are grown and living on their own now, but they still will not let me go. I promised them I would never end my life unless they gave me permission. I have been trying to to show them how painful my life is and to humanely let me go, but so far they are refusing. I have never broken a promise to my kids or ever lied to them, but I don’t think I can hold on and continue to live in a world where rapists are good and are rewarded, and rape victims are bad and deserved to be punished.
Suzanne,
I can’t say I know how you feel (the nearest I’ve been to your situation was when I was eleven and a boy in my class groped me and the teacher wouldn’t believe me), but I feel for you, and I’m impressed that you have been working to get justice, so that your rapist won’t be free to harm other young girls. The world needs brave people like you.
I know it sounds glib to say, ‘Don’t give up! Go on fighting!’ when you’ve been through so much hurt, and fighting it just makes things worse for you, both emotionally, legally and financially. But if you die now, that really would be allowing your rapist to win. Do you think you can concentrate on caring for yourself and surviving for now? Maybe when you’re stronger, you will be able to get justice, but in the meantime, just not letting your enemy destroy you is a victory.
Lawcourts are difficult to deal with, whether for an innocent victim of a crime, like you, or an innocent person falsely accused of a crime. A friend of mine finally managed to prove his innocence and got released last year after twenty-eight years in prison for a murder that he did not commit. I’m glad that he’s free, but even so, readjusting to life outside prison, and dealing with health problems that he didn’t get any treatment for while in prison, is extremely hard.
Life is a struggle. But if everyone who has been abused gives up and dies, that leaves only abusers and innocent people who may be future victims of abuse. We need people like you to speak out for truth and justice.
Life sucks too much right now. Today is just the same as yesterday and tomorrow will be just the same as today. There’s only mind-numbing and heart-rending pain that doesn’t go away. It’s the only constant. Relentless. Unbearable. So what’s the point in living when there’s nothing to look forward to? Isn’t it better to just end it right here and now? It would be easier..
Are you awake right now? If so, please text me through Facebook I go by Barbarajayne and I’m in Virginia Please connect to me? PM me, I’ll answer if you’re into chatting.
this message for the people who work for this website.
in 2015 when I was a student at a university in the US I asked the university for help because I’ve been suffering for years. And I drank too much alcohol that made everything worse. My point is: asking for help was bad idea that cost my scholarship and SACM lied to me when they asked me to get back to my miserable country for a vocation. After months when I tried to get back to USA I recognized I’m no longer a student that has a scholarship.
It’s a long story and I’m gonna say now NO ONE CARES AND THERE’S NO HELP
I am ready to die, but I have 3 kids who are living on their own now, but I am their only parent and they will not give me permission to go. I promised them I would never do anything unless they gave me permission. So far they have refused, but living with non stop emotional pain from multiple traumas has left me a shell of the person I used to be. I spend as much time as I can alone in my house, staying safe and protected. I have dropped all of my friends and I am in unbearable emotional pain every single day and I do not want to be here anymore. I wish I did not have kids so that I could go on my own terms and don’t need permission. I will never get my traumas out of my head. My rapist is an attorney and had been using the legal system to go after me. And we have been assigned a judge who seems to favor rapists and not believe rape victims. During one of the trials, he made me pay damages of 60K to my rapist. And my rapist not only gets away with raping and beating me for years, while I am the one is suffering all of the consequences. How can I get my kids to understand the unbearable pain I am enduring and get them to help me permanently get rid of my pain forever. The only way it will go away is when I die. I am more than ready to go, I feel as if I have lived enough life and I am ready to go and ready to finally be pain free.
How can I get my kids to understand that my life is too filled with pain and that the only way I can finally be at peace is if I am gone.
I am in my dark moment right now. and found this place that has answers to things I question and suffer from. and what best about this comment section is that it is coming from people who DO understand bc they are coming from the same boat. I hate that this world holds onto these people and question everyday why we are here in the first place is it only to make a contrast to the people in the spotlight or are we just jokes to a ruling overpowered “god”? I once told a friend opine that it would be cool if everyone had cool cars and he replied saying that then those cars wouldn’t be consider cool. the blessed people need to have unblessed people to know what they have and to be different or “special” without us, they would just be all the same. if that is the case then I don’t want it and only proves that reality is actually hell.
Hello Simni,
I realise you wrote your comment a few months ago, and hope you’re not in so much of a dark place now as you were then. I think the problem is that we evolved to be a social species, and now live as an antisocial species. We evolved to live in tribal societies where people valued each other, used their skills to help each other, and shared what food they could hunt or forage, because if some people hoarded more than they needed and other people starved, there were fewer people and so the tribe was weaker. But somehow we have turned everything into a contest. Even the principle that everyone should get an education has been twisted into ‘Everyone has to compete to get better grades than everyone else, and be told that if they don’t win, they can’t get a well-paid job and their lives are meaningless.’
ON Nov. 1st I was talking to my daughter. I am 77 and she is 57. I have an illness that is incurable & it makes me very tired but I try not to mention it unless someone expects me to do more than I feel I can do. I also have chronic depression that I try to hide as it’s a downer for people to hear about. I find it very hard to express the heavy feeling that I deal with on a steady basis. I am on a maximum dose of antidepression meds which are keeping me from going into the unbelievably dark place that ended up with me going to the psychiatric ward in the hospital. There I had 11 shock treatments that didn’t do anything but take away memories. Anyway, getting back to the phone conversation with my daughter. It was a call that upset me for many things that were said. I thought we could talk about why she is refusing to get the vaccination but we both ended up feeling the other was wrong and she got very angry and upset and feels she is being judged and all her life she has been taught to follow things like religion that messed up her life and from now on she is going to do what she feels is the right thing for her. I said I hope it is over soon and she said why? You never came over to visit anyway. I tried to explain that it’s hard for me as there is a long walk and a ferry involved. She works and loves being alone when her partner goes away and I have been over there as much as she comes over here and she will spend one day here then go visiting the other day. She comes home too tired so we never have a real good visit together. Anyway, I then mentioned my depression and said there are times when I wish I wouldn’t wake up and she said something that hurt me so bad I said I have to go and hung up. I would like to know if I am being too sensitive. PLEASE let me know. Her answer to me was ” Maybe it would be better for you if you don’t! (wake up)
Shari, I do not think you are being too sensitive at all. You have suppressed your own feelings to spare hers, and the one time you express yours, she answers in the worst possible way imaginable. What I’ve learned in my long life is that some family issues simply cannot be resolved and this may be the case with yours, as well. One way in which relationships can be toxic is if you give so much more than you get back. I can’t be sure, naturally, but this may be the case with you. Families fall into patterns and labels and mine became the family goat: no matter how much I did for anyone, it was never enough. Whatever went wrong was my fault, at the same time. The only way to escape it was to stop expecting them to change. I broke ties with them and it was a great relief. Years later, they missed me enough to come around. You should be able to express your feelings. It’s just a suggestion, as I’m not the professional here, but maybe you should give yourself a break and find a sympathetic ear. You deserve to be heard. As to your daughter’s refusal to get vaccinated, it may take some kind of mandate to change her mind. That was my experience with my brother. But in the meantime, my husband and I both agreed we couldn’t risk a visit from him until he did.
I appreciate your taking the time to write me such an understanding letter. When I found out why she said what she said I forgave her. Her Dad (my ex husband) and my daughter were very close . He had bone cancer for many years. He lived close enough that my daughter was able to do his laundry and take him to get chemo and to hospital, etc. He died in May of pneumonia and she was with him till the end. She is mourning him and misses him terribly. It really angered her when I said I would like to die as she felt It was very insensitive of me as she has already lost her other parent.
As for the vaccination, we have agreed not to discuss it. I’m glad your family realized what a gem you are!
Thank you, Shari, for your great response. I am glad you came to understand where your daughter was coming from; it must be less painful, now. I hope you find the comfort and happiness you deserve. Be well and safe.
You are not being too sensitive. That would hurt any mother. I am sorry, but that was very disrespectful and selfish of her. especially, when your struggling in the first place. I wish you were here. id give you a big hug.
I want to thank you so much fo your kindness to me. I would also like to give you a big hug and I am hugging you in my heart.
Shari, it’s a tough one x mums and daughters naturally struggle because we are too close x I have learnt it is best not to let on to my mum when I am really poorly. Unless someone has experienced severe depression, it is really hard for them to understand. I have also had ECT and remain on antidepressants. I will always struggle, but the one thing I do realise is that not everyone has empathy. But please know, others like us suffer, and really do understand x it’s hard not to take it as another kick in the teeth, I know x I’m sending you a huge virtual cuddle xx you are not alone xxx god bless xxx
I have to leave my cat because the pain is too much to take! No one to go to and if you try, they all will put you in hospital! Tired of it! See happy couples everywhere and I have Been alone for 15 yes! Am 57 and not loved!
I am a widower of nearly three years. I have tried dating sites and been introduced to women and after no more than three meetings it all ends. I feel unloveable. Makes me wish I could die and be back with my late wife. I am so very lonely and can cope but never feel truly happy.
I feel the same I really want to end it all. But too scared.
[This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]
Seems there are a lot of people in this category. At least Im not alone. But living this way is no way to live, and it will never get better. I’m forced to agree with many people here, live is not worth living unless you are blessed with the perfect circumstances. Those are of course family money, good looks and for boys, being great at sports. For those who are not blessed like this, life is unending drudgery, constant bullying and abuse from the beautiful people, and getting kicked while we are down never stops. Especially by the medical people, for those of us living in US. And nothing will ever change. Since I am not wealthy, not attractive, and not good at anything other than doing drugs and complaining, life is torture. I never will have a life worth living. Its too late, and by my track record I just cant stop making bad choices. Which tells me that there is indeed something wrong with me. Maybe not physically, but mentally. And that is no way to live. So I hereby reject life. And all you rich people can go f*ck yourselves.
You are definitely NOT alone!!! I think that many of the rich people you speak of are in the same boat also. Do you remember Johnny Carson? How many failed marriages did he have? I think love is actually easier to find when you are broke, because you KNOW they’re not after your money because you have none. I have spent an incredible amount of time thinking about life and how to find happiness.
For now I’m just trying to stay afloat. I need to get my life back on track before I even think about dating. While in some ways I can see that two people helping each other heal could be a recipe for an incredibly successful relationship, I worry that it might lead to dependency where you NEED that other person to function. Which kinda seems like a great way to self sabotage. Life is definitely full of hardships. No matter what race, gender or economic bracket you fit in.
Having said all that, you can get better! Maybe not overnight and maybe not to a fairy tale level. But as a recovering alcoholic I can guarantee that 90% of people have the ability to improve their situation. There is a guy on youtube named Dan McDonald who uses the handle “The Life Regenerator” and has a great video titled something like “From drugs to fruits and vegetables” that you should check out. I started juicing and taking a greater interest in my own health and eventually alcohol wasn’t all that important to me anymore! I think you need to shift your mindset and you’ll start to see the many good things in the world. You’ll also be able to motivate yourself and give your own ass a kick when it’s needed.
One of the things that I remember from group therapy for depression is about setting goals. They said that goals should be:
S Specific
M Measurable
A Attainable
R Realistic
T Time oriented
Finding real help these days is very difficult. You need to be your own best friend and not your own worst enemy!
I see nothing but the mistakes my life has been. And to be alone when mistakes have caused it… devastating. Life is just nothing but loneliness and heartache. And to be stuck with no way out… I can’t see existing this way for more years and years.
Life is not worth it !!!!!!!
No it isn’t. We’re brought up to believe in the Lie that “Life is a Gift!” or “Life is great!” but it isn’t. We’re sex trophies nothing more and everything less.
How can one live life without being or having depression? I can be happy an outgoing an things seem ok then all of a sudden depression comes a knocking. There goes my alcoholic dad beating me an giving me black eyes. Then when time progresses I get out from my dad’s abuse then walk into life’s abuse. Life’s abuse? Me? How can it be? Death of my GF suddenly or driving down the road an then all of a sudden a 11 year old boy is hit by a car a lands right in front of me an dies, maybe its when I’m waiting for the transit bus an it comes late but it doesn’t matter because 7-8 gang bangers leave me for dead in the middle of the road, Or is it the loss of my brother by suicide or could it be my wife who cheated an then divorced me, Maybe its just it all an now my mom has dementia an blames me for things lost or just anything, Just maybe it could be me; being all alone. Not even GOD hears me. My dreams have died, my desire to live is fading fast. I see the end. Yes the end.
I would rather not live having to be with brother and his cold hearted wife! They have each other and I have no one! I’m trapped forever and want god to take me away in my sleep!
Life is all covered with depression,stress,moodless
Alone and hurting! Being forced to live with your brother and his wife who I don’t get along with! Lost my home due to property being sold and can’t afford to live alone. Have no one and would rather live in the woods with animals. In a dark place everyday
I’m in pain daily, my male manhood stopped working so my wife is frustrated, I have Epilepsy Diabetes, IBS, Asthma, and Retinopathy, and neuropathy along with bone growth surrounding my jugular veins additionally multiple infections despite taking care of myself.
I recently was rushed to hospital after taking 600 units of Insulin I survived and was forced to fake being happy through counseling, I have a great Job 2 kids 12 and 15 yet all I look forward to is death, I am eager to move on, this is not a passing thought this is a permanent instinct,
I hope others are ok but for me I know I will eventually reach the point I am looking at,
Talking to someone won’t heal many physical conditions. Getting older, sicker, seeing homelessness rushing towards you makes suicide a valid option. Of course when “professionals” and normies talk about suicide, they mean depression by itself, not raging physical afflictions. This whole conversation doesn’t apply to many of us, we’re not young depressed people with decades ahead of us, we’re middle-aged, elderly, with medical conditions that don’t heal. We are a different category in this discussion. And the anti-suicide community doesn’t know what to do with us. Their hotlines and platitudes are ineffective, spurious, and nothing more than an exercise in virtue-signaling.
‘Talking to someone’ by itself doesn’t heal most of these problems, I agree – but that doesn’t mean that suicide is the only answer. Mainly, the problem is that the way western society lives is geared towards the assumption that everyone is young, healthy and independent – which means that those of us who aren’t (i.e. everyone, sooner or later) have to choose between struggling on alone, possibly with a carer dropping in for about fifteen minutes a day, or going into an institution where you lose almost all freedom and choice.
Humans evolved to live as social, tribal beings who care for each other – and that doesn’t just apply to modern homo sapiens. A Neanderthal skeleton from 50,000 years ago shows someone who survived ten or fifteen years after suffering severe injuries including the loss of his right arm, and was buried with care when he died. His friends must have been caring for him and supporting him after he was injured. Even skeletons from much earlier hominids – for example, Australopithecus people from two million years ago – show people who had lived with disability and could only have done so with the support of their community.
When the modern world tells us that everyone should be young, happy and healthy all the time, it obviously makes a lot of people who need long-term care feel as though their lives don’t matter. But what we need is not to make suicide easier and more socially acceptable, but to give people the support (not just ‘someone to talk to’, but practical and, where necessary, financial support) that they need. Otherwise, we might as well say, ‘The world is biased in favour of white people, therefore black people should commit suicide,’ instead of saying, ‘Black lives matter!’
I realise my saying this isn’t providing any practical help to you personally, right now. But I hope we can work towards making the world better for everyone.
Truth
This is crap, I have lost so much , and have more to lose.
People don’t want to hear about your feelings They express shock AFTER someone commits suicide, & say they wish they had known. Well, they did. Their own lives are full of problems, they can’t help. Lost many ppl, have incurable health issues, senior & disabled, & just buried a second hubby. When he died, my friend (my true great friends died from cancer) listened for a few minutes, never took my calls again.Too much for average people to listen to. Told people what I feel, they say, too bad, it will get better, you can find a new spouse, it will be okay….etc. Can’t be angry with them, they are normal. The doctor offers more meds, I need side effects & money spent on top of endless things to take care of legally/financially. I can’t afford to get mental care, my city does not have support groups except on line, no human contact. All these suicide/depression articles say the same scripted things. The person is drowning, they don’t need Hallmark card sayings, they need a hand. Depression is lonely when you have no family or any support. What I see in society is we carry emotional/ physical loads. Things wrong in society, my neighbor says ” Tired of hearing about people who are , depressed/poor/lonely. get over it” We can’t fix the sad….not enough ppl to save them/ planet/feed the poor/give a hug/save dogs/fix drug problem/cancer/battered women…endless list.
I can’t volunteer anymore, because of covid, I worked w elderly / hospice. When I shop I say hi to ppl, tell a lady how pretty her blouse is, or her hair…anything, say it w sincerity & a smile. Like to set up a booth & take ppl one at a time for 15 minutes & just listen, give a hug, give a compliment, no scripted crap, just reaching out.
A man in the store came up & said I looked sad, he smiled & hugged me in big bear arms. Had not been touched in a long time. I wiped my eyes & when I opened my eyes, he was gone. Not anywhere in the store. I smiled inside for the rest of the day.
I don’t know what to say but I swear I feel you
my community is not like where you are
Its sucks and I really miss the US, I got worse when I got back to my miserable country. You and Rob ” has a comment here ” you’re ? right and I really feel every single word.
Seriously it’s so hard and I didn’t read all the article or whatever it is.
I thought I healed but I’m not. I’ve been suffering for almost 8 years or more idk
Forgive me I have no one to talk with even my garbage doctor.
I’m a guy or old man 37 years old
Jobless and trying to accept this what people call it ” life ”
I’m here or everywhere for you and for anyone feels they’re alone
Ibrahim
Talking won’t help. Talking can only serve to delay the inevitable. Nobody can fix the problem because the problem is me. If I can’t fix it then nobody can. You just can’t fix stupid.
Robert,
It’s painful to read your words, and I know it’s far more painful for you to believe them. I wonder if you’re getting help…? Of course, I can’t diagnose you based on a 5-sentence missive, but I can tell you that self-blame, guilt, hopelessness and suicidal thoughts are symptoms of major depression. You can learn more about depression here. If after reading the criteria you believe you have depression, please keep in mind that it’s treatable with therapy, medication, and many other tools – even exercise.
Thanks for sharing here. I hope you are able to feel better – both about yourself and in general – soon.
It hurts when you’re a single woman in your 50’s and have no one to turn to. And no one wants to hear or care about people who are in pain! I just suffer alone and it hurts so bad and people at work just say “what the hell is wrong with you?” The pain I have shows on my face everyday!
Im sorry you are experiencing this. Im recently divorced after an idiotic affair and my wife decided she could not stand by me as I explored and discovered what my inner deficiency is that led to my failure. I have the same feelings of no one wanting to hear about “your” problems; with no place to really turn. Every one just says accept it and move on. But I cant I have been hurting for years and no one really seems to care or care why. They all leave or have their own things to deal with.
Hi, I feel your pain and isolation I think about ending it everyday . Sorry you have my love
Thanks! It’s especially bad when you have lost your home due property being sold that I had it on. Lived on property for 35yrs and yet I’m suppose to get over it? I only make $800 a week and now I was forced to live with my brother and his wife. I don’t get along with them and had to pay half on a house that they picked out. Their room is big and mine is small like a child’s room. They told me I didn’t have a choice and I would be living in the woods if it wasn’t for them! I lived alone for 13 yrs in my house after my divorce. I have no one and this is a crisis to me! I feel trapped and I hope someone could see why I want out! Once I signed the papers, my life is doomed. No one cares! I am so home sick!
Thank you for your kind words. The worst part of every year is the holidays! I’m divorced and have no one to go to when your in a crisis. Then people always say that it’s selfish to want to die, but don’t care to even want to know the reasons why
I hate it when people say it’s selfish to want to die. I think it’s more selfish to bring a life to this world without their choice. I think it’s selfish to tell people that they need to suck it up and move on without actually being them & know 100% what they feel. I think it’s more selfish to be alive than dead now a days.
Thank you!
I hear you, sweet lady, pain hurts…nothing wrong w you…you are worthy of a hug and a smile, I wish I could give it in person, I would listen to you !!!! You are worth it, my dear.
Im sorry you feeling that way im having the same feelings
I’m 21yo. I have bipolar 2, and have been abused sexually as a child, 3 times, my life was in danger more than that, i had ptsd, and cope with it without any professional nor non-professional care, but i was so calm, and my mind (o how i wish if i were an absolute mind), my mind is toughest than any one i’ve seen. I’ve lived without any pessimistic delusions about life, i always knew that there’s something wrong with me, not life, and i didn’t blame my self, nor felt sad. I was patient as a saint. I accepted what i am. I even found what to do to feel worthy: i loved writing since i was a child. And so i loved reading. And with no other interests in mind, i went to literature. I wrote great and new sort of poems, short stories, a novel, and endless philosophical and artistic essays, they were full of life. But then i left all of this. I went to science then, i wanted a big career, and everyone told me that i’m efficient to make it. I knew i am anyway, but i deeply was feeling inefficient to live. To lead a life. And life is bigger than art and mind-ways. So, i pushed my self to prove the opposite, but i couldn’t. I know i can’t do anything. And more than this, i don’t want to do anything that i’m able to do. I want to sleep and eat until i die, without any sort of human communication. I want to forget about my family because i feel a huge responsibility to take care of my mother and two little sisters, but i know i’m deficient to do so and this is killing me. There’s something -i know- at the cellular level that is lifeless in me, and to push it to live is more expensive and tiring than to let it die.
I don’t speak english very well, sorry for the difficulties you might’ve had reading my comment. Please, don’t show pity if you had it.
hello. sounds like you have had a lot to deal with in life. i wanted to say i think that your feelings are natural given it all. i also wanted to say that life can always change for the better. i’ve lost someone to suicide and it is the most terrible thing – there are people who love you and care about you, even if you don’t think so. please don’t leave them feeling responsible for not saving you. ask for help – challenge yourself to work through the bad hand life gave you
what you give your attention to is what life becomes. give attention to the things that can help – friendships, exercise, good diet, good sleep, feeling connected, getting outside
Hello Emma. I enjoyed what you have written here. Specifically the first part. You left an intelligent note that made my heart beating faster for detecting an opportunity of a smart communication. Thank you for your words. I felt connected in a way i don’t usually feel. As for the people who love me, they are not ought to save me, their ways are different than mine, and they can’t help. I don’t ask for their help, not because i don’t want pity -which is true- but because they can’t help. More than this, i know what i need: changing the environment. I don’t feel at home here, and the odds of making friendships are almost non-existent. I don’t share anything with the persons i meet and live with. Any way, If my chemical imbalances got better and therefore allowed me to do so, i’ll graduate as a valedictorian and go to continue my studies in America or England. I may get better there, and i’m sure i’ll have better chances. Now it’s necessary to find the optimal medical treatment, it’s a hard trip, but it’s a matter of time, and i wish everything will get better. Thank you for your letter Emma. I wish you the best. Glad to talk to you.
Much older than you….you are okay as you are….keep walking thru the mud, get better boots, bigger umbrella for the rain.. keep going….sometimes best NOT to think, when it is overwhelming, sit and breathe, sweep thoughts out the door w a broom & let it go for a minute .. sit, let it be, have a good cry….then get back up, put on your boots, grab your umbrella & keep walking….big hug to you, sweet girl………………does the grass die after a storm? it unfurls & stands back up, battered but not dead, Never question how/when/why…simply keep going
I am 43 and when I look back and analyze my life up to present moment I regretfully have to say that it sucks didn’t create life I could say I like . My fault entirely . Don’t feel like I am suicidal but I hope I’ll die soon ideally in a sleep.
Believe me, 43 is not too late to take a different path. I was 40 when I started on my Masters degree, 43 when I left my unhappy marriage and started my Ph.D. studies, 48 when I completed my Ph.D. and 52 when I married my second husband , bought my second house, and got my first tenure-track teaching position. I still had time to get my tenure and promotion at 57, grow a guaranteed retirement fund and retire at the age of 66. None of it was easy: it required a lot of hard work and a crazy amount of optimism, but I did it. There’s still the residual suicidal thought, but I think of that now as nothing more than a force of habit and answer back to that dire inner voice: “Bullsh*t.” Good luck to you; don’t give up! Oh, I forgot to mention the years of therapy along the way that helped tremendously.
What I need is a way to just peacefully sleep and never wake up.
Not because I can’t do it, it’s just that I don’t want to make my family sad that they were not able to help me. I just want them to think that I died peacefully.
That’s all I wanted, I’ve tried plenty times, and all I got are disappointments and rejection.
And with each rejection, my confidence slowly fades and I feel like I can’t do it anymore.
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John,
I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. I hope things get better for you soon. If you want to talk with someone by phone, text, chat, or email, please check out the resources list for places where you can do that, for free.
Thanks for sharing here!
I don’t know what the f**k is happening to me. Sorry for the profanity, I hardly ever swear. Lately I’ve felt an urge to do it all the time. I guess it’s because of the depression that’s been eating away at me for a few months now. Bipolar depression is the worst. I don’t even know what triggers it, it just seeps in slowly, but surely until I can’t see anything anymore.
Right now I wish I would go to sleep and not wake up tomorrow. Why keep on living when all you are able to do is survive, not thrive? I’ve been doing that most of my life, and I’m getting tired and weary. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts on and off for almost two years now. Just the usual thoughts, “People are better off without me”, “I’m worthless and a complete failure”, “I’m unlovable, why would anyone love me?” and so on. I’ve looked into so many different ways of ending my life, but I haven’t been able to pick one. I don’t think I will go through with it, but there’s a slight uncertainty there, and that scares the crap out of me.
Sorry for rambling, I just felt like getting stuff off my chest.
Thomas,
You describe very powerfully the ways the mind can turn against us, pummeling us with insults that we’d never dare say aloud to another person. I’m sorry you’re going through that. You don’t mention whether you’re getting help. I hope so! There are treatments for depression, and though bipolar depression is harder to treat, it’s not hopeless. Also, if you want to talk with someone for free by phone, text, chat or email, please check out these resources.
Thanks for sharing here.
Is it just me, or do people enjoy. Seeing other fail. They dont understand, and they think you are just a loser. People are selfish.
No, its not just you, and you are correct. People need to feel superior. They like to pick on people and belittle people with problems, or who are different. Ultimately we have to come to the realization, no one really cares about anyone else except themselves. Problem is, we don’t care about ourselves because we are different, and have problems
All I know is that everyday I awake is that I don’t want to be here anymore.
I truly wish for it to end!
Just so anyone that reads my comment it follows as
My brain is so erratic n that its constantly at terminal velocity from the moment my eyes are open n then repeated thoughts n also it’s like my brain has snapped n I’m not able to process things until days later.
Thats only the beginning really to be fair there is just so much more that I’m not prepared to write here.
To all the suffering here no matter my issues I relate n only wish you well on your journey n hope the universe will guide us instead of the people just wanting to make money or fun from us all.
Mental health n passive suicide n all that goes with is very serious to which more understanding is needed from others as they do not have any idea what it’s like !
Not everyone who feels this way wants help.
Not everyone who feels suicidal wants help, no. But some people do. I suspect that a lot of people who explore suicide prevention websites ARE people who at some level want to find hope and encouragement, even if they feel that there isn’t a way out of their problems. This is definitely how I feel when I look on sites like these, or when I get into arguments with friends about my paranoid worries because I have convinced myself that God wants me to hate myself. Unfortunately, when I get into these arguments, I refuse to listen to my friends’ points of view, and after a while they stop trying to engage with me until I’ve calmed down.
And not everyone who feels ‘I wish I could die’ is in precisely the same situation. For some people, it can be a logical response to their circumstances. But for the man in my village who killed himself because of debts that his friends and neighbours would willingly have clubbed together and paid off if they’d known about them, or for me as a teenager, convincing myself that I ought to die because I considered that parents shouldn’t have more than two children and as I was one of three and didn’t want to kill either of my siblings I must be the one who was surplus to requirements, wanting to die can be based on a misreading of the situation. This is why it is worth talking to other people – if they think differently, it isn’t necessarily because they are ‘normal’ (as if ‘normal’ meant ‘never having experienced problems’) but because they have a different point of view, and may even know more about life overall (though not about our personal feelings about our situation) than we do.
I read a lot about depression and it’s causes and symptoms but none of it gets me out of it, in fact it goes worse. There’s no solid reliable way of dealing with it. If only!
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You are right, John. All that writing helps none when you are trying to tread water and stay afloat. No solid one way of fixing it…just sometimes sit, no thoughts, just sit….let the water flow ….give your mind a brief rest…no judgment, no anger, no nothing….then do like I do, get back up, and keep walking….one foot in front of the other, no expectations….the only way thru it is to keep going, don’t wonder, don’t ask why, just walk and see what is on the road….if nothing else, you move along…hugs to you, from old depressed granny
Sounds easier when read or spoken. People think there’s help out there. Just a money racking business. And when you have no one really to talk to you’re absolutely screwed. In this world no one actually really cares especially when you have lost your whole family have no friends are forbidden to make friends cause yr husband feels like they may not be trusting might make it worse or maybe he’s going through his own stuff. Who knows. All I know is I’m invisible and really don’t have the strength energy or ambition to keep this up. Don’t think I could kill myself but I’m so far down and stuck never hurt so much in my life and I’ve been through a lot. There comes a time in a person’s life they get tired of fighting and start to think what really is my purpose and is it worth all the pain? The world makes it difficult to be completely honest about anything. And if you are honest they’re shoving pills down yr throat which in return these meds make you go nuts. And also when yr struggling they try and put you in a place that holds u 4 days to a week. Who the hell heals from that. Been there done that and stayed much longer and in the end I was the crazy one to my family or people that supposedly cared for me. I can’t explain how bad I wanna get better but no hope.
I wish I could help, but it will only be lies, the truth is that I feel the same way you do,only to cry to death ears, I thought to die alone is 1 of the worst things in life, now I feel dying alone when your with some 1 is even worse, in my life. I just want true peace, what so many take for granted! I dream about! Man up I was told ! Be strong ! Or you act like a girl I am told! And the truth is that I am just tired of the bullshit! My whole life! So I’ll tell you this! If you can get away and find your self again! Please don’t stop, run after it! Enjoy peace with your self! That’s my only dream I have left! And I am afraid its too late for me! Too old too run down ! Dont be like me! Be a friend to your self, before its to late! Don’t look back or even feel bad! Realize even the people that are supposed to love you think of their self first! Good luck and go with god ! And say hello to your self again! From lost soul
I couldn’t agree with you more. I have been there, done that, and can totally empathize with you completely. I have been SCREAMING for help since my last stay in the psych ward. I only feel ignored, invisible, and they just give me pills that make me feel more screwed up. Honestly, there is no help out there, and no one really cares….its just about money.
I am in so much pain, and my cries are left unheard. I am totally alone, tired, and just don’t want to face another day.
Beautiful name
I’ve lived alone for 40+years. God and my animals are MORE than enough for me. I’ve thought about suicide since 2nd grade and a failed attempt at that age too. Then another attempt 6 years ago. I can’t do anything right.
I hear you Annie. I feel the pain everyone is going through. I’ve been in a very dark place for over 3 years now. I honestly don’t know how I am still here. It’s amazing, here we are in the 21st century, and the only thing the psych wards have to offer is serotonin, ECT, ketamine, or rTMS. They don’t even give you a test to determine if your serotonin (or dopamine) is low, before they get out their prescription pad and write you a mind numbing, sole crushing drug, that leaves you in worse shape than you are already in. Zero science. It’s bizarre. They won’t listen to you if you tell them about how the meds make you feel, or the fact they caused you PSSD, etc.. Guess what I am trying to say, is the only honest support we get, is from people on sites like this, and perhaps a good psychologist/psychiatrist, who’s willing to talk. It’s invaluable, as the rest of everything is noise. I just wish there was a pill that restored the infamous ‘chemical imbalance’ that these professionals always talk about. I say a prayer for you, and everyone else going through these struggles.
This is so true I often feel the same way I am genuinely sorry you feel like this wish there was some sort of way to help, please stay strong as long as possible
Tina, I agree and understand how you feel 100 percent. I’m sorry for all that you are going through. It’s an invisible disease that no one really cares or understands unless they feel it themselves. Just know that I see you.
Im there with you Tina. Gave up me and friends for a family so she could feel safe and secure. Moved to where she wanted to be and she ignored what I was needing in life. I made mistakes, but owned up to them and she left. Now, alone in the middle of nowhere without anyone who really cares close enough to lean on. All seems so hopeless to even try to find a way to survive it.
keep walking….no expectations….old granny here to tell you what you already know: the hurting person does 10 times the work….we hurt badly, we feel useless….you ARE worth your weight in gold, it’s just tarnished gold… but gold is gold, tarnished or not…no anwers, my dear, just a lifetime of this, I keep walking…don’t ask why / how/when ….just walk on…sit for a minute and let it rest, then move along….I am there w you in spirit holding your hand
U are awesome
A part of me every day wants to die, I wish someone would run me over and shot me before I do it my self I’m tired I want to breath no one understands I just want to never wake up again .
I think the firm belief that no one understands is part of what’s keeping you stuck and preventing you from reaching out to a professional, who will understand. I’ve been in such a state and now that I’m out of it, I know that “no one understands” is a belief colored by your state of mind. Someone I knew once wrote, “Don’t believe everything you think.” It might be a good idea to examine that belief and see someone who will understand.
Well Dr. I have wanted to die since my wife did. That was seventeen years ago. I keep it to the facts. I am in physical pain and have been for years. I have no parents or grandparents. No kids either. I have lost most of my stuff. I have no friends and no one to talk to. I have said for years now I don’t want too wake up tomorrow. But don’t want to kill myself. As time goes by it gets harder to fake happiness and the depression keeps dropping deeper and deeper. I see no way out. Either way I lose
The only ones that understand, are those who are currently stuck living it. I know, because before I went through it, I did not understand. I was a highly functional white collar worker, with everything. Money, great family, great health, everything. Then one day it all changed, and I got pulled into an underworld of mental illness – condescending social workers, psychiatrists who did nothing other than prescribe meds which destroyed my ability to think, and took away my life long motivation and love for life. You may have made it through what felt like hell to you, but I guarantee, you did not take the full therapeutic dose of these mind altering medications for 2-3 years. They are harmful beyond words. I used to be a survivor, and darn proud of it. Unsinkable. And now, I am constantly trying to end my life, despite having everything I need. Meds may help some, but they hurt many others. I know they have crushed my spirit. Nobody who still has their spirit, can understand what that feels like. Diminished cognitive abilities. Zero resilience. I feel like a hollow vessel, and I believe these meds have usurped my ability to rebound and cope from a serious life event. I trusted the medical profession, and they poisoned me with a plethora of medications. I know I wouldn’t be having as difficult time as I am, if I had just avoided meds altogether. I know you still won’t get it, and, I am thankful you don’t. Please be kind. Some of us have lost our minds by trusting in the very people who tried to help us.
I entirely agree with you.
I am 42 I was living a great life and had a very good bringing up in life. I’m not very clever and I’m very slow at working things out. That didn’t worry me because I could get help in the country I lived in . Now I have a family in another country where no one understands me. I founded everything with all my money that I had worked so hard for. It feels like the people don’t realise or appreciate what I have done for them and just abuse everything I have put here. I have lovely parents that if it wasn’t for them I don’t know what would be the situation now im in. I was getting funding from a source that was not legitimate the way it was done. I finally got caught up with. And now I worked out a way to get other funding on my own that now will be stopped. I can’t blame the kids for what’s happening but I have a lazy wife that has never worked or helped out and always lied to me. I’m at the breaking point in my life. Also I was hacked by someone in Dec 2020. Since then my life has turned upside down all things that were working for me have now been detected all devices anything with technology due to getting hacked.
I can’t afford new technology as I’m out of money and have bought 2 new devices 1 thrown away and the other I’m using even though it’s still being considered hacked I have reset this phone so many times in 3 months u would not believe me, I also have to reset my car because also affecting the computer on board. I can’t afford the service to put it right I’m drained of all my last sources and people help like family are very ill and they have used their last sources too. I’m stuck in a country due to this covid pandemic and now I’m in a situation where I have done everything I can to keep me and my family going,all bills food school stuff for students and now I am out of options and still got someone hacking me it’s been over 8 months of hacking, all devices are destroyed due to the incident. I can’t afford no more and if I did how would I u still wouldn’t be still getting hacked? I can’t get home due to covid as when I was supposed to fly the country was in amber zone and now I’m in a position to getting back the country is a red zone. So I cannot afford a gov hotel package. I have everything ready for an amber package still sitting waiting for me for when I arrive back home. Things seem to be going opposite to what was planned . I have no media so I can’t keep up with the country or covid situation. Someone made it a problem for me to keep up with my government so I can’t use it properly like what I signed and agreed because where I am they do not know what’s involved and I’m sick of being hacked and the joke the people are making from it. Nobody understands me where I am. And nobody listens or has any answer or advice due to culture and the way the people are. I wish I was dead to get rid of these problems.
I really don’t know what to do as people don’t realise or understand or appreciate what I have done for them all they do is don’t care break things never repair or replace them and I seem to just be a caretaker or the person who fixes everything and I’m sick of it now. If I died in my sleep it really wouldn’t bother me
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I want my parents to say that i did a great job. I just want my parents to trust me, to believe in me, to hug me, to understand me.
I hate to say it, but I never got that. I had no reason to ever expect it; my father left when I was three and my mother was . . . incapable. My life got better when I learned to accept that.
Nice reply ‘Dr.’ – essentially you are telling this person to suck it up. You’re just a self righteous ‘survivor’. Like I was, before my life was stolen from me. Ya, I know, I should just suck it up.
I am not telling anyone to “suck it up.” Some things can’t be changed and trying to change them only adds another burden to an already burdened soul. Sorry you misread my reply.
Dear Anonymous,
Sorry, I know your comment was posted months ago and I’m replying only now. I hope you’re still there. It hurts when your parents don’t accept you or love you. Still, remember that just because they are your parents doesn’t mean that they are right, or that their opinion of you is the most important one. You are a person and you matter. If you have achieved something good, you know it. Some days, holding back from killing yourself is an achievement. Some days, holding back from being physically violent to yourself (or other people) is an achievement. Some days, managing to take some exercise, or to do something you enjoy, is an achievement. You know what is an achievement for you, right now.
You are mature enough to know what you need and want, and to know that your needs aren’t being met. Maybe you need to be the parent to yourself that your actual parents aren’t being. After all, you are an even closer relative to yourself than your parents are – you share 100% of your own genes (the same as an identical twin) while they each only share 50%. More importantly, you share 100% of your upbringing with yourself, and are in a position to understand how it feels, when your parents can’t. So, as far as you can, be kind to yourself.
Fill out a template?
I have neuropathy in hands arms feet and legs. I have spinal stenosis in my back. Everything hurts. There is no one to love me anymore, they are all gone, died. I am a 61 year old woman with nothing left. Why should I not feel like this. I am a coward, and can’t think of anything to do but sit and feel like this.
you aren’t a coward because you are still here. Still fighting. Thats something. Ive lost everything. Wanted to check out. Still think about it, but the fact we are still here. Takes some kind of strength.
Hey Barbara. Im 14. I am so angry at myself and I am also a coward. But I want you to know that I care about you. If you would like, I can give you my email or something, and we can talk. I care about you. Try to have some ice cream and watch a TV show when you feel like this. That helps me. Or else do something to distract yourself. I promise I care.
Hi BARBARA HOW ARE YOU..I HATE THAT YOUR ALONE ..IF I CAN HELP BY JUST BEING YOUR TEXT BUDDY JUST TO BE BECAUSE I HATE FEELING ALONE ALSO 45 YR FEMALE
It would be nice if we could go to sleep forever. Put the body on auto pilot. So, those left behind could still interact and not miss us.
This place has become so dull. Morals, real love, bonding, loyalty, etc. The meaningfull life is slowly being phased out with a fake reality.
I’m so very Happy that I read this it’s great to know what I’m feeling isn’t me all by myself, but I have something with a real name and that something is going on with me and it’s real. Thank you so much for bringing what I was thinking of and helping put it into words.
I’m 2 months behind on the mortgage and bills, all credit cards maxed. Got a 5% pay cut after 5 years of negotiations, unions are useless. inflation was over 10% during that time as well. Was fired because they didn’t like that i lowered the amount of work i was doing, i thought lower pay less work, guess not. No employment insurance because they “had cause”. been applying for jobs for months and haven’t has so much as an email. it’s just a matter of time for food to run out and i starve to death. Why should i keep swimming against the flow when i’m not gaining distance anyway. time to swim with the flow and just go over the waterfall and die! look anywhere and they’ll say stuff like it’s “temporary” or “it will pass”, when? when will it pass? never, it will never pass because that’s how the system works. you work you give your life so that your boss can buy that second home to rent out and make even more money because they know they don’t pay enough for most people to save up and buy your own house keeping you paying them forever (ya i managed to buy a house but i lived at home as long as possible and didn’t do anything, then spent my entire life savings for the cheapest possible).
biggest joke of this is i worked in a support role for health region. ya that’s right the canadian government fired someone supporting healthcare workers during a pandemic because they didn’t work themselves to death while they lowered their pay and doubled their workload during a pandemic. i truly hope every one in the canadian government and health care management dies the most slow painful death possible, preferably COVID.
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Anonymous,
It’s clear you’re struggling and feeling hopeless. I hope things get better for you. I hope they’re not as bad as they seem. I hope you’ll try to get help.
Thanks for sharing here.
LOL how useless of a link. what are they doing do to do? the same thing that the union did, is what; fucking nothing while charging me for the privilege. if i was in the states i would have already shot myself. everyone not having guns makes it harder to get your hands on one, go figure. easy for you to have hope, you have a phd in a field where you do nothing and there are no wrong asnwers. would love to sit, nod and make up useless bullshit that sounds good for a 6 figure salary. and dont give me that shit about how you have loans. i have that shit too it’s just that the world doesn’t value anything practical so i don’t get to pay those loans. FUCK YOU AND YOUR HOPE!
No hope,
You’re obviously hurting quite badly. I’m sorry you’re going through so much. So you know, the link I provided is for places where you can talk with someone by phone, text, online chat or email. They are all free.
I agree with you our government sucks!! They are doing nothing to protect our health care workers our education sector or our children. People are assholes going on living their lives as if this pandemic doesn’t exist! I’m so stressed out I want to just go to sleep and never wake up if I could be guaranteed it would happen I would do it! I’m so done with shitty people this pandemic and all of this
I agree. I am in the education field and I can’t believe what the board bureaucracy (so threatened by e-learning) are doing to these poor kids, their parents, and the teachers.
I’m so sick of these evil-minded, self-serving bureaucrats exploiting the situation for their own good and absolutely destroying everyone else. I feel hopeless, powerless, exploited, disrespected, treated with contempt, screwed over, put under some grinning a-hole’s thumb.
Not happy about with life
No joy scared to be happy
Been so nervous to comment but I guess ill speak my peace. Im a 31 year old male who was diagnosed with bipolar 1 disorder ptsd crippling anxiety and depression as well as numerous health conditions and defects I was born with. I know life throws curve balls but I’m tired. I mean dog tired of all this bull crap. My wife who was my only friend is giving up hope that I’ll “get better” or ” be my old self again”. I don’t think she realizes the old me died and now the current me wants to just slip away. I want to not wake up in the morning so she can be happy again without me. I don’t want to live in a world with out her. I’ve been left by everyone my whole life or bullied constantly. I’m so exhausted. I’ve been off my meds a year now because I was laid off because of covid and couldn’t get health insurance. No communities to help. It honestly feels like there’s no one who honestly cares anymore. Everyone is fake and promises to be there for you but no one delivers. I’ve tried counseling therapy and spent time in a mental ward. I have no support system it feels like anymore. My wife says I don’t talk enough about what bothers me but fuck when I do talk about my problems she says I’m being to negative and it brings her down. I mean shit what else am I supposed to do. I guess if anyone knows of a way to end it while asleep without harming your partner in the process. I just want this life over and to pass peacefully in my sleep. Sorry to complain so much I know I don’t deserve anyone’s kindness or answers but please if someone knows a way to accomplish this mission of mine I’d appreciate it.
Stephen,
It’s painful to read how badly you’re hurting. No need to apologize about complaining. To me, you’re not complaining, but communicating, really.
I don’t know of any suicide method that allows someone to pass peacefully in their sleep and doesn’t harm their partner in the process. With that said, if anyone submits a comment here with tips about how to achieve those goals, I won’t be publishing it, as my Comments Policy does not permit advice on how to kill oneself.
I hope you’re able to find relief for your pain, and it’s my hope that it’s something that makes your life better rather than ends it. Thanks for sharing here.
Help me please I’m so close I fill numb I can’t find help I’m homeless don’t want nobody give me nothing but chance get on my feet itryd bur can do it can’t comprehend or read good all want take servey never help me real stressed out had been. Several mental I gonna if I try but it no work not know do I DK somebody call me so I can do they wMt jus wNe live have life I’m disabled had hernia surgery got arm almost cut off chainsaw cant work yru disability please please God help me
Wayne,
I’m so sorry you’re going through all this pain and difficulty. This site provides information only, not counseling. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 for immediate help. I hope you’re able to receive help soon!
I thought I was alone with pandemic thoughts. Not so.if you are in Manitoba .
Email me
bowlarsson123@gmail.com
I will be your friend.
We all feel same .Don’t forget
I’m 57, I am successful at my job, I live in a nice house with great pets and a fine partner and yet, I really just want it to end. I probably won’t kill myself, but more because I love my parents and they shouldn’t have a second child die. I take anti-depressents and adderall, exercise, eat right, but I don’t really enjoy anything anymore. Most of the time I just want it to end… quietly.
Michael,
Sadly, I think many people feel the same way – they feel empty inside, or their life feels empty, despite things looking good to others on the outside. Some people find meaning in creative ways, whether through spirituality, hobbies, charity, or any of many other possibilities. And some people go on to live lives of quiet desperation, as Thoreau put it. I hope that you’re able to find a pathway to hope and meaning for yourself, even with all of life’s difficulties.
(Also, I apologize for the delay in posting your comment.)
Stacey. You are not helping..
Giving phone numbers of Suicide lines is no help. Suicide lines are pretty much useless and busy . Will put you on hold.
Use your platform to gather names or email addresses and put some communes together for depressed people ?or at least help them meet others who are on here and are lonely.
It’s a no brainer Stacey.
Think outside the box. This is a horrible time in Mankind’s History Think outside the box!
You are No help if you can’t think outside of the box.
Suicide is going to go up and up!
For godsake! . Move it!
Linda,
I’m sorry my site isn’t helping you. Your comment raises some important points for me to address:
Are suicide hotlines useless? No. Research indicates that suicidal thoughts go down for many people during a call to a suicide hotline, and hopelessness and psychological pain decrease in the weeks to come. I’m sorry if you weren’t helped when you called a hotline, and I hope you’ll try again.
The purpose of my website is to provide information, not counseling or treatment. I give the numbers to the national lifeline (988 or 800-273-8255), the crisis text line (741741), and other resources so that people who need to talk with someone about their suicidal thoughts or to otherwise get help have somewhere to turn.
Your ideas for helping others are intriguing! Communities of like-minded people often do provide connection and support. There are online support groups for people who are experiencing suicidal thoughts, such as the forum at chronicsuicidesupport.com, and the Facebook group “Depressed and Broken.” I haven’t participated in these groups and thus can’t attest to how helpful they are (or aren’t). If you have any feedback about them or other groups that people might find useful, please let me know.
Thanks for sharing here!
Linda, I hear you loud and clear. There is something that is missing for some of us with suicidal depression/anxiety. I’ve tried everything, meds – that caused my PSSD and worsened my anxiety, counselling, rTMS, everything. Giving out numbers, suggesting people exercise and eat right, may work for some, maybe many. I don’t understand how it works for them, it’s like ‘oh gee, I didn’t think of that’ – really? Is it real depression if the solution for them is that easy. For some, these don’t work – maybe we’re just lazy, right. There needs to be a humane way out for those who suffer like us. I can’t ‘do myself in’, yet, because of my family, but man, what an awful way to live almost every minute of every day. May we find our piece without hurting the ones we love.
i’m 23 years old and i’ve been depressed since i was probably 16. I’m just now thinking I might be trans and the revelation has made it so hard to want to continue on. I know there’s no way my mom would support me, and bc of the pandemic i’m currently living with her 🙁 I’ve been able to keep my hopes up by daydreaming about going to grad school next year in New Zealand but with covid getting worse across the globe I’m starting to lose hope that it’ll actually work out for me. I have never really had any real friendships when i think about it, so not many people would actually miss me. My mom only wanted me for selfish reasons and i feel like a waste of space. Most days I just wish I was never born, but on the bad days I think I should just end it but idk how. I feel guilty for even existing. I don’t know what to do and can’t even bring myself to tell my lovely therapist how terribly I feel. I’m so lost.
Noname,
That’s a lot to carry on your own: wanting to die, worrying your mother will stop supporting you because of your gender identity, fearing the future amid a global pandemic, feeling nobody would miss you if you were gone. Just one of these can be tough to deal with in isolation, let alone all of them. I hope you’ll try to tell your therapist or somebody else. You could call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, too, at 800-273-8255 or use the Crisis Text Line at 741741. You don’t need to go through this alone!
Please tell your therapist how you feel; that’s what they are there for. You’re wasting a golden opportunity. Maybe it’s because you fear they’ll judge you harshly like your mother would, but if you think they’re lovely, they won’t; they’ll understand and help you to cope with your feelings, including your fear of your mother’s rejection. As to the global pandemic, there’s nothing you can do about that but stay safe and keep hoping for the future. Please don’t give up.
I’m 23 years old. Diagnosed with PTSD, Bipolar, severe anxiety disorder, depression, and Antisocial personality disorder – sociopath. I know some day I am going to kill myself. I just don’t know when. I’ve attempted before, I’ve been in psycwards, been on medications, and yea I have times I do great. But more often than not, I hope I die. I fantasize of suicide. I choke myself till I pass out or just before I pass out, on the daily. I just wish I knew how to do it in a way that effects the people who have got me to this point over the years. Thanks for reading.
Dear Don’t Worry Bout It,
I feel for you – and for lots of other people who have written to this site, but particularly you. I fantasise about suicide, too, and I used to self-harm (including choking myself) until six years ago when I realised how much it hurt the people around me, especially my partner. Even before then, I had made a rule to hit myself where it left visible bruises, after a friend of mine got threatened because someone had seen me with a black eye and assumed my friend had hit me.
I don’t think your suicide would hurt the people who are actually guilty of getting you to the point where you want to kill yourself, because they are likely to be either (a) people who don’t care if you die or (b) people who might be upset that you are dead, but wouldn’t understand that their own behaviour was responsible, and couldn’t believe it if you told them (not even if you write letters spelling it out, like in Thirteen Reasons Why). Almost by definition, the people likely to be hurt the most are (c) people who care about you (I don’t know whether you have anyone in your life who loves you, but I hope so), followed by (d) people who didn’t know you all that well and didn’t realise how you felt, but wish they could have done more to help you.
Do you feel stigmatised by being diagnosed with ASPD? It seems to me that while diagnoses of most mental health problems get sympathy from at least some people, a lot of people are like to assume that being diagnosed as a sociopath means that you don’t have real feelings, don’t deserve consideration, etc. It seems like a label to dehumanise people, rather than a description of a problem that you have. I’m high-functioning autistic, and I usually avoid telling people I’m autistic until they’ve had time to get to know me, so that they don’t make incorrect assumptions (for example, that I must be mentally retarded, can’t have finished school let alone university, don’t feel loneliness or the need for friendship, etc).
I can’t say your problems are going to go away. Some of them might well be with you for a lifetime and are just things you need to learn to cope with, some might get a bit better over the years, others might go away once you find ways of managing the intractable ones. But you are young and your brain is still learning and developing, so please don’t feel that you’re stuck forever with being the way you are now. Please don’t give up hope.
Reading a bunch of these makes me feel that there is hope for those that are especially young, under 30 years old and such since it seems you still have a lot of your most vibrant life ahead of you.
For me, I have felt pretty much depressed and hopeless since my late 20s when I was in my professional career. I’ve never had really close friends or meaningful relationships so in my 20s when I was working there were times I would wake up in sort of a panic mode thinking this is my life and it’s not going anywhere – no relationships, just me alone and working just to sustain my life. I would enjoy some joys like different hobbies, travelling and other experiences but still felt very empty because of lack of meaningful relationships. No prospect of starting my own family, so thinking I would be a fun, single person and enjoy life to the fullest. Well, it’s very lonely and hard to motivate myself to be happy. Now, I am in my late 40s have been jobless for over 2 years and worried and scared everyday that at some point, if I don’t get a real job in my profession, my savings would dry out, and I will lose my home. This pandemic, political strife, crime and divisiveness just makes things worst as it’s easy to say this world is not worth living in anyway. Since my late 20s, I felt like my life was going nowhere but I had a job as a distraction to keep me going (though not knowing where). I’ve always felt I could disappear from this world, and it would not matter. No one would really miss me. And now feels like a great time to go. Let’s not kid ourselves. This pandemic ain’t ending soon. People are too selfish to want to cooperate to end this. So now what’s the point in continuing? Just so in a year or two, maybe we will get back to normal life and enjoy everything as we used to without masks and having to worry about infecting or being infected by others? It just doesn’t seem worth it. I just don’t know where I’ll end up at this point. I’m pretty much too much of a coward to proactively do something to myself, but do always wish something would happen to me. Maybe a tragic car accident. Random attack? I just don’t care. I’m just so tired and bored with life and see no hope that things will be much better even if I do get a job. I just always feel hopeless. I apply to jobs, have some interviews, even deep into the process but nothing. I feel hopeless.
Hi buddy, I must of read what you wrote at least ten times. I feel the same exact way sir, I am in my mid forties with two young kids and went thru a divorce roughly three years ago and just miserable each passing day. They live in jersey and I live outside of Philadelphia and it’s just so hard. Pandemic ruined me as finding decent work is extremely difficult. Each day I feel like I am more ready to physically end this miserable journey that I am on. I feel helpless, hopeless and just not needed in this world. How much can we take, sad part of it all is there are so many of us out there. How many times have I cried alone in my car or in the bathroom. It’s just getting too much for anyone to take , especially me. Hope you are doing better but again your read is powerful. Thanks for listening Lenny
Thanks for the reply and the read. It means a lot since I posted here since I have no one to talk to (at least about these deep, dark thoughts) so it’s nice to have somewhat of an outlet. I always feel like such an isolated case since I have not really had many ups and downs in life; just pretty much straightlining in life just below average happiness, whereas many others have had highs and lows, like when they met the love of their life, had children. and enjoyed life meaningfully at times. But, then at the same time these highs can lead to such devastating lows since the memories and experiences of how great things can lead to feeling such upsetting loss when hitting lowpoints.
I guess we can both feel empathy with each other for the sadness of life. I truly want to be happy and I hope you can find that happiness too. Are you able to reach out to your children to find some joy? I feel like you have some motivation to press on. I, on the other hand, feel like I don’t have much to look forward to, just a monotonous, pointless existence.
I’m currently 16. My life is not very as too problematic as others, simply problematic. I feel like I had only a purpose of slaving myself for my family. Get good grades, then make a lots of money afterwards.
I have no one with me, other than my fantasies and myself. My mother doesn’t even care about me, my so called friends don’t see me. My siblings are austism. Father left for another woman and I definitely understand the reason.
Every night I kept asking why am I still living then I gave reason. It’s an endless cycle.
I’m afraid, that I have to wake up again tomorrow.
Hi, I totally feel bad for your feelings. But, I think there’s light at the end of your tunnel. Unfortunately, being young, since you live under someone else’s care and roof, you don’t have too much control of your life. But, things do get better. Try to do well in school so you can take control of your life and then maybe you can move away for school. I grew up in a similar type of household, lacking much real love and support from parents. I was just expected to do well in school and then graduate from a university and make some money. As you grow older, you can work and become more independent and make your own life decisions so I would say for now, while you’re living at home try to enjoy the fact that you don’t have the stresses of paying major bills. Try to be somewhat active and social, if you can. I’m in my 40s and I always regretted not being a little more social and making better friends. I was always satisfied with the few I had. Friends come and go so I’m not left with any great supportive people now.
I’m 18 and I want to die because I know I will never get a partner or be a mother. I’m unattractive, shy and boring. I have no friends anymore because I never leave home. My biggest fear is growing old alone and bitter while everyone else is getting married and having kids. When I’m out in public and see ppl with babies or couples together I get upset so easily because I’m very sensitive and insecure. I’m so pathetic that one time when I was on a walk and a couple was walking before me holding hands, I started silently weeping because I know I’ll never have that. Also I have multiple siblings who are all 6+ yrs older than me and they all have partners and will probably start getting married and having kids soon while I’ll still be all alone. I feel like such a self centered b1tch. I want to be happy for others and I don’t want to envy but it’s hard when I myself am not happy. I’ve never had a boyfriend and its hard for me to even imagine myself ever in a relationship because I feel like I’m such a child and why would anyone want me? There is nothing to love about me. Growing up has been very hard for me because of these fears I have + many other fears I have. A lot of things that are normal to others upset me which makes me feel like an outsider in this world and I hate it. So I tried to kill myself twice in the span of two years. I’m a christian and I know suicide is a sin but for some reason I just assumed that I’d wake up in heaven. Recently though I realized that one of the worst things I could do is to play God and take my own life, so I promised I would never try to kill myself again. Instead now I just hope that God would take me away from this sh1tty world early or that the rapture would happen ASAP so then I would at least have an excuse to why I never got married or had kids. Nowadays I feel so bad that even the idea of heaven doesn’t make me feel better. I just start doubting, thinking that in heaven I’ll feel like sh1t too because everyone around me will be surrounded by their families while I’m all alone because I never started a family. Being alone with these constantly reaccuring thoughts is eating me from the inside so much that I impulsively punch myself to bruises which I know I shouldn’t do. I’d just rather feel physical pain because it distracts me from the mental pain, especially because I get upset so easily over even the smallest things, like hearing certain words that remind of something that I don’t like. I’ve already talked to therapists but it doesn’t help. Honestly I’m so hopeless that I don’t know if even Jesus can heal me which is why I’ve prayed for God to uncreate me. I feel guilty about it but these are my honest feelings. I want to cease to be like I never existed in the first place. Technically I should never have been conceived anyway because my parents are divorced which means they never should have been together in the first place. The most ironic part about all this is that I am so fortunate compared to most ppl in the world. I was born into a safe country to a loving family, I’m not poor, I’m not sick, I have access to good education and health care. I’m the last person in the world that should be depressed. What a waste of a life.
Hello i know how youre feeling. I have exactly same feelings ive never had a partner im 17 and ive been wanting to commit suicide since i was 14 but i never made my self to do that just because i still have mother and siblings who loves me… 🙁 i have exactly 0 friends i dont have anyone to speak with apart my mother and siblings brother is 29years old having a partner and been together for almost 10 years. Sister is already married and i feel empty thinking what im doing with my life i hate my life i wish i was never born im here just to see my siblings and mothers happiness im not afraid of death every night i pray to god to finish me finally everyday i feel tired, i believe nothing can stop me now. And i hope so my pain will end soon 🙁 id rather be dead. than be alive with all that pain i have.
Thanks for the reply. Sorry for answering late. Not sure if I can say anything to make you feel better but still; you’re not alone with these feelings and I understand your pain…a lot of us struggle with self-worth and loneliness. Hang in there and God bless you, Modestas <3.
This is exactly how I feel as well, I also believe I wont find anyone and I fear heaven as well. I am at the point where I want to be unborn/uncreated due to the damages that other Christians have done to me. They basically have killed my wish/dream and they also haunt me with some of their words. I look towards pain and suffering of myself instead of expecting blessings at this point sadly. I don’t know how to communicate and have autism which some churches consider me to be a monster apparently. Have no friends and feel just completely dead on the inside. I usually just keep my pain to myself and don’t usually reply/respond but I don’t know, your post I just felt a deep connection with I guess.
yes, im jobless and these lockdowns just make everything worse, i cant even get wellfare, its like im jail and i see no end
I don’t have children, thankfully.
I’m okay with not existing. Like seriously, I despise this world too much, can’t associate with people, obviously lots physical, mental trauma/illness. Shit, not even Isis could fix this.
But yeah, seems like everyone in society is “qlippothic”.
Like legit zombiedronerobosheepclones.
I just wish if someone was suicidal they could donate their body so that it could be harvested to help others before they did it. If it offered the person an easy death as well as passing on life to others wouldn’t that be better than finding a dead body somewhere hours after the event and nothing that can be used to help someone else?
Dear Pamelia,
Yes, that’s logical, in theory. In practice, I suppose the medics would have to work out a painless way of killing a physically healthy body (as opposed to removing life-support systems from someone who was brain-dead and couldn’t survive without mechanical aid) without injecting chemicals that could contaminate the organs, but I expect there are ways.
A few years ago, I read about living organ donations, where you can donate a body part that you can spare (say, a kidney) to whoever needs one. I thought it sounded a great idea, but the catch was that donors have to be sane, and I couldn’t really say I qualified. At first, I thought that sounded unfair (what difference could it make, if my emotions hadn’t led me to use drugs that damaged my kidneys?), but when I thought about it a bit more, I realised that doctors have to care about protecting all vulnerable people, and someone who (perhaps only temporarily) lacks the will to live is just as vulnerable as someone who (perhaps only temporarily) lacks kidneys. Frustratingly, there is no such thing as a happiness transplant, but on the other hand, my brain probably has more chance of regenerating emotional stability than someone’s body does of regenerating kidneys, so in the meantime, I ought to work on improving my mental health until I am in a position to make a rational decision. And in the meantime, I ought to go back to donating blood (something I stopped doing decades ago because I mistakenly thought that taking medication made me ineligible) and save lives that way.
Yes I do. But unfortunately I dont
Where do I start… I’m 40 years old and have an 8 year old daughter who is the light of my life, I’m unemployed, untalented, and unremarkable in every way that matters which I can only assume is the reason why nobody will hire me. My wife is very successful and resents me for not being able to contribute, and I don’t blame her for feeling that way. The only reason I haven’t committed suicide yet is for my daughter’s sake, but I don’t know how long that will last because while she may adore me now, as she grows up she’ll undoubtedly see me for the worthless loser that I really am and probably want nothing to do with me. I have severe OCD and major depressive disorder which is semi-managed through medication and therapy, but it feels like too little, too late at this point. I can’t reinvent myself at 40 years old so I’ve resigned to a slow death from cigarette smoking and alcohol abuse – anything to fast forward the clock since God either doesn’t exist or refuses to take me in my sleep. My plan for now is to try to get my daughter through high School and into college where she’ll be at an age that my suicide will be less detrimental and so I just bide my time drinking, smoking, and sleeping as much as possible so that I don’t have to feel the pain of living. I don’t really want or expect any help here so I really don’t even know why I’m posting this, but I can’t discuss this with my therapist for obvious reasons so I guess it just feels good to share my story without being judged. I would say that I hope this makes someone here feel less alone, but we’re all alone in our struggles and always will be. Time for another drink…
I care. And I’m sorry. I wouldn’t have found this it i didn’t want to die myself. If it helps I am the provider for my family and my husband is a stay at home father. We have two sons but my youngest is autistic and no one can help us. Not the doctors, school or therapists. Everyone throws drugs at him and make him worse. I may have the job and I provide for my family but I too feel like a loser who cannot help my family. I too drink now and hope to die as soon as possible. Just wanted you to know you are not alone….
I hope your still here David because you deserve to be here! I know things will get better!
I would strongly recommend to veg out listening and watching some weird Al music videos and contemplate on how crazy this world really is , that there is hope for everyone, just be patient…don’t judge, we have all had similar feelings at some point in our lives…it’s what makes us human.
Hey David. Definitely let it out my man, so many of us have read your story and your not alone in this fight but at the end of the day we are all alone with our demons. I am in my mid forties and just recently went thru a divorce. I have an 11 years old girl and a 3 year old boy and miss them dearly. They live in jersey and I live in PA and am just miserable each and every passing day. It is hard but you still have them as I don’t have a family. I am alone each Fucken day with this pandemic and getting work is so difficult. I feel your pain my man as many of us here do. Very difficult and sometimes just so unfair, hope I don’t wake up in the morning as well. What a horrible way to live when you feel like this each day. I’m lonely and scared. Thank you for your post as I read it more it’s my life with a a divorce added into the picture. Take it from me you wanna see your kids each day and just be there for her. I have a girl and I know the love you have for her. Don’t lose them, that’s a whole new pain I can’t seem to shake. Thank you lenny
I’m pregnant and I legit hate my life. I hated my life before I got pregnant and now I hate it even more. I hate my family. No one is happy for me or my pregnancy. No one calls to check on me. My baby’s father decided that he didn’t want me no more and left me for someone else. Then when that didn’t work out he came back and I let him. Like a dumbass. my family they are not supportive at all and treat me like a red headed step child. No one can seem to keep a simple promise these days and if I weren’t pregnant with my son i would have definitely done something drastic. I think about it all the time. Im on bedrest due to stress and no one is ever available to help with my other children even tho they said they would. My house is always a mess. My finances are in the toilet. I HATE MY LIFE.
Hello Cheerful cheeseburgers .
I opened my window and totally felt the heavy rush of “ Your life sucks and your a cheeseburger” race across my 57, soon to be 58 years old cheeseburger face. As I pondered jumping out of my first floor window knowing that the 16 inch fall would most likely smash the bun that has been holding this cheeseburger face together. I couldn’t do it because I knew that within minutes of me taking that jump, hordes of hamburgers would circle around me giving thanks to the fast food restaurants that had made them the hamburger. My green pickle eyes would scan the crowd, hoping before my life melted out on the pavement, I would see Ms. Big Mac Stacks and tell the reason I jumped from that first floor window, I was tired of not getting the attention with double stacks and that racy sauce. Us lonely cheeseburgers don’t ask for much, just maybe a chance of sweeping that special Ms. Big Mac Stacks off her feet. And showing Ms Big Mack Stacks, I might just be a cheeseburger but it’s the Hot Fudge Ice Cream that I offer in my relationship that I’m looking to spoil you with. Please, save this cheeseburger and tell him what you have to offer so I’ll close that window and spend the rest of my days, filled with happiness and a true grilled love that no spatula can pry apart!
I’m not sad and my life does not suck. It’s just boring and I’m done living it I have done everything that I have ever wanted to do or accomplish. I no longer want to wake up I want it to end but for some reason I just cannot follow through. I’m not asking for help nor would I listen to any of it.
I won’t offer any advice, since you don’t want any. But, just out of curiosity, why post on this site?
My 29 year old son died of brain cancer. He was the love of my life. I can’t live without him
I think grief is one of the hardest things humans have to endure. It always feels as if you’ll be in that dark, terrible place forever. But humans are also resilient and, given time, can recover from grief, at least enough to go on. Please don’t make a permanent decision based on what might be a temporary condition. Don’t get me wrong; I am not saying you’ll “get over it” or stop missing him, but, if you give yourself a chance, you might find the strength to go on with your life. I’m pretty sure that’s what your son would want.
I just don’t see a point to be alive. I have everything I could ever wish for, the best thing being my loved ones. But i have perfectionism, stress, fear of failure and it seems to overshadow my blessings. I’m too tired. I feel like a burden, a burden on my own self. I am going crazy
I have depression on and off since I was 10 years old, now I’m 35. I attempted suicide when I was 11ish years old. My parents didn’t do anything. Didn’t speak to me about what I tried to do or never spoke of it again. They never tried helping. Just pretended nothing happened. Then years passed by and my older brother attempted and my parents still didn’t say anything. A year passes by and my brother succeeded in poisoning himself. Still my parents didn’t say anything or talk about “feelings”. Fast forward, I’m 21 and overdosed on naproxen but my body managed to expel most of it out. I was sober but decided to drink some strawberry daiquiris. So autopsy could say I wasn’t sober doing this. But I guess the alcohol made me puke a lot. Couldn’t remember what happened after one cup of daiquiri and a bottle of pills. I was blacked out and would come to and remember being in the bathroom just vomiting like crazy. I didn’t go to the hospital. I told my sister what I did and still no one in my family talked to me about anything. I have a shitty family who wouldn’t help their own daughter/sister. My parents would get drunk and tell me they didn’t want me when my mom was pregnant with me. Now they say they love me. But do they really? I have kids of my own and I talk to my oldest about her feelings and if she’s feeling sad or any type of feelings. I don’t want her to feel the way my family made me feel. I will always talk to my kids about feelings. I still struggle with depression, but im trying my best to work on it. Im on Wellbutrin now and see behavioral health.
Dear Girl,
I feel for you. Sometimes parents don’t seem to notice or believe that their children have problems until those children die. I’ve been conscious of being depressed since I was thirteen (I’m now forty), as I had convinced myself that childhood was the best part of life and that, as I hadn’t been a happy child, anything after childhood would be even worse. But my mother says that the first time I tried to kill myself was when I was three (because I felt lonely and unwanted at having been displaced by younger siblings, and didn’t have the social skills to make friends with children my own age).
It’s terrible that your parents didn’t do anything to help you or your brother, but I’m glad that you are managing to break that cycle by talking to your children about their feelings, while working on trying to improve your own mental health. I decided not to have children, as I didn’t feel equipped to bring them up when I still don’t feel like a grown-up myself. So I’m impressed at the way that you (and lots of my friends who have emotional problems) just keep on being a loving, caring parent anyway.
I don’t know whether your parents and sister really don’t love you, or whether it’s just that they don’t know how to talk about (or listen to you talking about) feelings, and don’t know how to help you. I know my parents love me, but my father isn’t good at talking about or dealing with emotions (he’s autistic, as am I), so his response if I’m distressed about anything is usually to try to get me to either shut up or go away, because he doesn’t know how to help, especially when I talk to him about wishing I was dead because I’m still obsessing over something he said to me when I was a teenager that hurt my feelings. My partner tries to help, but sometimes he ends up shouting because he’s so frustrated at not being able to get through to me when I’m being stubbornly irrational and refusing to listen. My mother and other friends are trying to help, but they get so frustrated that sometimes they just end the conversation because it’s gone on for hours without getting anywhere.
It sounds as though you’re working a lot harder than I am at getting better. I’m glad that you’re seeing a therapist as well as taking medication, and I hope both help.
I’ve worked my whole life so I didn’t have to struggle when I got older and married twice got screwed both times no child support raised children by myself disabled now and living in a relationship for 22 years where I took care of him and now that I need help I’m left feeling like I’m a piece of shit worthless because I can’t do what I used to do every day I’m told in some way how I’m not doing what I should be doing if you only knew what I have accomplished in my life why do I feel this way now because I can’t do the things I used to do yes every day I want to end my life and yes the reason I don’t is because I have children and because it’s not my right it’s Gods choice when I die and go to heaven I can’t wait to get there only person that ever loved me is my mommy and daddy I want to see them. My kids and everybody says oh we love you but when I need somebody there is never anyone there for me never only if it’s a benefit to them in someway my family stole everything from me destroyed my house and has left me homeless to where now I have to live with this man and I can’t leave I have nowhere to go I pray every day God show me the path or take me or give me peace I do have a brain injury and I am in treatment. Sometimes it seems like it’s working sometimes it doesn’t the percentage of networking is higher in the percentage of working I want to go back to work I have an eight year college degree that I cannot use because of my emotional trauma I can’t control if I could just be useful I would not feel like I want to die
I feel exactly the same way. There is nothing worth anything when you have been abused and then rendered useless by illness.
I don’t want to suffer through this anymore. It hasn’t gotten better over time. The people treat me like shit and exclude me. I see no hope.
I don’t want to be alive anymore. I’ve tried opening up but nobody really cares, they threaten to send the cops to my house to do a welfare check. People claim they love and care about me but when it comes down to it I’m truly alone and I’m sick of my own company. I wish I would just die in my sleep.
Hello I understand I endure same scenario. It’s a roller coaster once you start down the rabbit hole in Alice’s wonderland it’s hard to come out. I am trying martial arts. It’s the only thing in my life I get pleasure from. I’m trapped in a loveless relationship where I’ve been depleted of all my savings and I can’t leave so I stay and get told daily how worthless I am in so many ways. I look up to God and when I see trees clouds birds etc I know someone loves me. Maybe not here on earth but in heaven. I don’t know you but I feel your pain deeply and wish and pray for you to feel loved!!! I love you just because Jesus said love is the greatest thing we can give.
Nineteen days ago on my 49th birthday the man I love left me for someone who for months I asked if he had feelings for her and I was reassured she was just a friend. He won’t talk to me all my calls and messages go unanswered. I too just want to go to sleep and never wake up this pain is like nothing I have had before. People around me and my kids tell me he isn’t worth crying over but to me he is I love him.
Pam it’s hard to let go when you love so deeply. That’s me too. Only my man just keeps me around as a slave. And still has his girlfriends. He’s taken everything I have if I leave I’m homeless no family no one cares so I get it. Grieve cry beat up boxes get it all out and maybe one day you will feel better. Don’t rely on friends and family they only care for themselves. I know I get the same reactions. I’m not allowed to grieve over my losses I’m supposed to suck it up. Well losing a love even not in death is still a loss. I pray God gives you peace.
I’m very sorry. Our love is not worth shit to these fucking dogs. They use us hurt us and then move on. Remain lawful . The law is on their side not the faithful.
I wish I were dead daily. I am deformed and I feel I am only here to provide money to a spouse who uses me and 2 children who are adults and stick around for financial support as well. I have no friends and no one loves me. The rest of my family have already passed and I just want to go as well. I wish there was a person or place that could assist you if you wanted to end your life. It is your life it should be your choice to continue.
i totally agree..people should make their own choices when they want to end their lives.
i lost my twin sister weeks ago in the most horrible way. i live with the guilt everyday..i have had enough
This has to be the lowest I have ever felt about myself. A relationship just ended for me that was completely toxic. But it’s all I had. I was verbally abused gaslighted threatened almost daily. Always being fat stupid lazy etc…
Then there was the physical abuse that occured that he always minimized..
Drugs were a big factor in the abuse in this relationship. He would never admit that he knew the damage that the verbal had on me. I’m at a point that I cannot snap out of this. It’s like I’m paralyzed. I don’t have the courage to move from this spot. I am so ashamed of what my life has become. I’m about to lose everything because of this. My home my car utilities. Yet I stand here frozen. Maybe I’ve had a nervous breakdown. He convinced me I needed him.. I’m so damn insecure I can barely leave my house. I don’t see the point of going on. I just want to stop the pain. But after the pain will be more pain here. The consequences of being too afraid to leave him cost me everything. Physically materially financially. What kind of life would I have if I didn’t die? Pathetic and humiliating. I just want to go. How fucking much more can I take? None. Zero. I’m going to write my letter
Hi, I hope you’re still here and will maybe see this.
I don’t know if this will be of much help but there is a Youtuber called Taylor Nicole Dean and she has gone through similar stuff. She was in an abusive relationship that made her addicted to Heroin. She has Videos on her situation and how she’s overcoming her addiction and healing from her toxic relationship. Maybe go check her out. There is hope. She made it and so can you. She is very transparent about how many times she thought she would die and how hopeless she was. But now with proper help she actually got out of that dark place she was in.
I hope maybe you can relate to her and see there is hope. Maybe reach out to her on her social media or in YouTube comments.
There should be a place where people who want to end their life can go to end it without question ask.
I’m 65 and have been on various anti-depressants since my 1st suicide attempt at 14. I tried every year for the next 7 years. Learned that behavior from my mother who’s father succeeded in committing suicide.
I’m currently in a major depression which I haven’t had in over 25 years. My pcp increased my meds. I’m having difficulties performing the job I’ve had for 32 years. I sprained my knee and can no longer hike. I’ve been alone, single, for 18 years. I feel unloved and hopeless. I’ve been thinking about suicide almost constantly for the past week. It’s on my mind while at work, at home, walking to the beach. I look at every physical environment and wonder, if I jump off my balcony, would it kill me? Are my full bottles of meds enough? Do I clean out my garage so my kids wouldn’t have to do it? Will they be ok? They are only 23 & 25. They are the only reasons I haven’t done it yet but I’m afraid thinking of them won’t keep me from doing it for much longer. Fantasizing about where I could hike and not come back. Sobbing everyday. Crying in my office at work. I’m just so very tired.
Lynn,
Thanks for sharing here. What you describe is so, so painful. You mention antidepressants but not therapy. I hope you’ll consider talking with a therapist about what you’re going through. There’s research to back up that therapy can help people to want to live again and to not act on their suicidal thoughts. If nothing else, it can help you to feel less alone, but it can also do much more. I hope you’ll check it out. To start, you could call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. Please take care.
I have many of your same feelings. I have diagnosed bipolar disorder both manic and depression. It’s a hell that I’ve lived in since noticing something was wrong as an early teen. I’m soon to be 70 years old, been married and divorced 4 times and choose to never have a romantic relationship ever again. I have two grown daughters and two older brothers who are financially set for the remaining of their life. I brought my mama to live with me when my dad died because she had severe unmanaged asthma and lived 11 hours from me. I took her to a pulmonologist and he started maintenance meds for her. Her health improved as for the asthma that was now managed. She was with me for 15 years. I loved my mama more than
life itself. I worked full time in a very stressful career. No one ever tried to help us financially or supported me as a caregiver. When she needed total care, I felt personally responsible for placing her in a nursing home. And I was. Honestly it still hurts almost as much today as it did 7 years ago. She begged me to take her home, but I couldn’t afford home care. She died 5 years ago. I was left alone to choose her burial clothes and funeral arrangements. I chose the funeral spray, everything. My own daughter closed herself off from me because she didn’t deal well with death as her husband told me. The only reason I’m alive now is because I’m afraid of not going to heaven and don’t want to leave that kind of legacy for my children. I never saved a dime and did a lot of impulsive buying because of my bipolar illness. I have a psychiatrist and have gone to counseling as recent as a year ago. How many more psych meds can I take. I take 2 mood stabilizers, an antidepressant, and 2 meds for anxiety. I’m overweight and a type 2 diabetic. I have a good pcp and my healthcare is managed. Of course I’m still working while my brothers are both comfortably retired. I pray every night for God to simply not wake me up. What’s the point?
Are you still here??? Are you ok??
I’m 41 year old woman who lives with my boyfriend but that’s all I have. I have no friends no family nothing. I don’t want to live anymore, all i do is work while my boyfriend goes out. When he doesnt go out im basically his maid. That’s my life everyday day Im tired i cant take it anymore. I pray to God every day just to let me go. Let me sleep and never wake up..
Why not leave him? He sounds like a loser and a user. You deserve better and there’s no doubt an easier way to feel better than ending it all. He is not worth it.
Please. I’m asking for help.
I’ve never felt like this before.
I’ve had depression and several other disorders but this feels like a mental disorder that I can’t control.
Bobbie,
I’m very sorry you’re going through such a painful time. I appreciate that you’re asking for help here, but for legal and ethical reasons, I can’t provide counseling on this site, only information. What you’re going through sounds very frightening. It sounds like it’s bringing you to your knees. I hope you will ask for help elsewhere, too. Is there a therapist where you live who you can see? Do you have a trusted physician or pastor you can talk to? There are some online therapy services. I don’t know if you’re having suicidal thoughts, but if you are, those services tend to not treat suicidal people, so be aware of that. I also list other places where you can try to get help at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp. For example, you can email jo@samaritans.org and tell them what you’re dealing with. (At least, that’s been a service in the past. If it’s no longer current, I hope you or someone else will let me know.)
It’s good you recognize that you need help and are dealing with something bigger and stronger than you have before. I hope you find the help you seek. Please take care!
I’m laying on my bed fighting with myself about what to do.
I’m so tired of struggling and starting over in life constantly.
I’m 47 years old. No family. I’m sick and tired of failing.
My question right now is whether I should go to sleep and not wake up or…. Go to sleep and not wake up.
Bobbie,
I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. I hope you’ll consider calling the national lifeline at 800-273-8255, or texting the crisis text line at 741741, or checking out one of the other resources listed at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I’m so sorry about how you are feeling , please don’t give up.
I felt like that too , two years ago I was just so lost , so sad , so depressed, felt I just couldn’t do it anymore.
Apart from my adult son who is married, I don’t have any family either , but things have turned around for me and things do get better .
It won’t happen over night , but things do change, but you have to help yourself too , be a friend to yourself , be kind to yourself .I know it sounds silly , but go for a walk , just do something small for yourself each day .
I wish you the best , please hold on in there .
I still exist because of my son. Love him so much
I’m just getting tired of life and living
Don’t want to get help.
“Consider filling up a hope box (real or virtual) with reminders of the people, places, hopes, and possibilities that make life worth living.”
It’s empty…
No one understands, no one really cares.
Alone with all of it and expected to function as if nothing is wrong.
Thank you for the attempt but this article did not give me a way out.
Cedar – “No one understands; no one really cares” are assumptions and negative and self-destructive ones, at that. Consider that you may be misinterpreting the feelings and empathy of others. You could be wrong. Don’t take my word for it; just let yourself consider the possibility that you’re mistaken and that some people do understand and some people do care. Maybe you’ve been surrounded by callous, unempathetic people. That’s what happened to me . . . from birth, apparently. But with help, I’ve managed to cope with that and find better people to let into my life. Please don’t give up; that’s a permanent solution to what may not be a permanent problem.
So, what am I?
I resent the grand design (as far as we can currently measure). Reactive chemicals (dopamine, serotonin, endorphins, cortisol, peptides, ect.) being the only tangible explanation for what we perceive as reality, purpose and meaning… limiting humanity to identity addiction.
ALL Life (and the continuation of it) being dependent upon the consumption of another; unwilling, living being (animal or plant).
The Quantum negates what we were force fed growing up and reality being defined by the observer… how are we not all semi sociopathic narcissists?
I fear death yet; cannot justify any longer.
I’m with you in this thinking. I don’t have much interest in the mundane day to day. Everyone is simply chasing mile markers and I don’t want to chase. I have no parents, my second parent just passed. I’m married but feel alone and have no kids. I cannot rebuild a family unit and what would be the point anyway. Everything is just illusory a grasping of the wind.
I want to suicide so many times but with some of my friends help and with their help i still left in the world but now i don’t have anyone left behind me and i want to go to sleep forever without awaking the problems is i have problems with my parents everytime and they don’t believe me with my words what can i do
Had to click on this immediately. Have been wanting to kill myself for almost 5 years. have not found the courage. there’s just so much pain and i want it to end. I actually thought one night that I was going to die because of fluctuating oxygen level and I don’t think I have ever been happier. It was the best sleep I had and the waking up next day the was most hopeless. The only thing I have been able to start with recently is give myself small cuts to feel in control. And oh I have a plan ready for when I want to commit suicide if only I can put all my heart into it. Sometimes I feel like such a coward for not being able to kill myself. 23 and not being able to carry out a single task in life in a mature way and now not being able to kill myself either.
Arundhati – Maybe your not being able to kill yourself isn’t a failure, after all. Maybe there’s a small part of you that hopes things will get better. The fact that you are able to cut yourself, which I would never have the courage to do – it must hurt like hell! – means you are looking for a way to empower yourself. It seems to me like a silent cry for help, which is also a positive sign, I think. However, it is also a sign that you should get help. I am sorry for your pain and hope that therapy can show you a more positive approach to controlling your life.
I have want to die since my mid teens and I am almost 70 now. Have tried to end 3 times and failed
i’m so glad you’re here, please stay. i want to listen to your stories. 🙂
email me @ charliebowley652@gmail.com
i love u <3
I feel like I’m am drowning. The only way to escape my abusive relationship and pathetic existence is to die.
There is another way. Please contact your local Women’s Aid organisation and they will help you leave.
None of this helps
“Please, talk with somebody about how you’re feeling.” I’ll say this be careful to who you talk to. This country and it’s healthcare system doesn’t consider mental health an issue evidently. We have confused the word help with hinder. So again, please be careful with who you talk to about how you are feeling, this country is really good at making your problems worse, and hurting you further. At least that’s my experiences, we live in a land of apathy.
Example: They’ll “help” you by getting you on an insurance plan so they can force pills down your throat, and then when you start getting your life together, and get a full time job they INSTANTLY kick you off your insurance, ya know instead of waiting the three months for your new jobs insurance to kick in, making you pay 700 bucks a month for medication you can’t afford, so now you are back to square one… Thanks American health care system, for making life worse for the poorest of us!
Amen!
you go quickly from someone who needs to talk to someone that is a huge liability. the best thing to do is hide, and pray no ones finds out. I really wish i was better at this, but about every 4 to 5 years, i go through a stretch where i cant keep it together. i don’t think i want to kill myself, but i cant stop hurting over and over. i have no one that i can talk to. i thought i could vent to a couple people at work, and i was told that i was disappointing. I’m 48. if i don’t have it figured out by know, i wont get it figured out.
Sometimes we make assumptions that color reality as far more hopeless than it really is. I’d say your assumption that you’ll never figure it out since you haven’t by the age of 48 might just be one of those dark and misleading assumptions. Consider the possibility that you could still figure it out, with the help of a therapist. Talking to people at work probably isn’t the best choice. I’m glad you don’t want to suicide and sorry you keep hurting yourself. My best advice is: don’t give up and find a therapist.
You could still figure it out. You can’t assume 48 means you never can. I’m sorry you hurt yourself and suggest that speaking to a therapist would be more helpful than talking to coworkers who are not professionals.
Oh yeah you got the right story. Insurance has destroyed health care!
I am getting so stressed by school, work is pilling up each day. I feel like I just can’t do it anymore. I wish I could sleep and never wake up again. I sure am happy sometimes but it gets tiring. I found some games to play and thought my boredness had gone away, but I’m back at it again, everything seems so boring, there’s nothing good here . . .
i’m so glad you’re here, please stay. i want to listen to you. 🙂
email me @ charliebowley652@gmail.com
i love u <3
Ive been suffering from deep depression and I’m sure of other things for some time now. I’m the person that hides what’s wrong well..
I was born as a bastard child whom my mom tried to abort 3 times. I am 27yrs old now.. I really wish I knew why I fought to be in this world.. my parents had a horrible toxic abusive relationship, so I’ve been through all kinds of family trauma that haunts me every day, along with other traumas from just being born into a poor dysfunctional family with struggling parents who sold drugs for our survival and most likely had mental issues themselves. I first tried to kill myself when I was only 7yrs old by suffocating myself under my bed blankets. The next time I attempted suicide was when I was 9 and locked myself in my mom’s Honda for a couple hrs attempting to suffocate in the heat of vegas. I still haven’t told ANYONE. Despite the life I was born into, I really did try to grow up to be a successful man. I completed high school and attend some college, got certified in phlebotomy. I competed in track&field from age 9 untill 20 with hopes and dreams of making it to the Olympics. I tore my acl junior yr of high school not knowing how sever it was, and now I have serious limitations with my knee. I had to let go of my dream going to the Olympics and recently quit my job at the hospital due to the strain it was causing me along with the stress I was taking on from medical field. My only income is driving for Lyft now. I’m also a pursuing barber who is a quarter done in getting my license, But honestly, I don’t feel like I have what it takes anymore.. to stay strong in this world anymore and overcome my issues and be successful. I feel like I’m too far gone and mentally messed up now… I bought a .45 when I was 23 and contemplated with it many times.. I’ve been isolated for 4rs now with the only person i really interact with is my loving caring girlfriend who is a nurse. I know she was lonely before she met me, and I bring her joy and good times sometimes, but overall, I feel that she definitely deserves someone better than me with a better life situation and better stable mental to start a life with. A good girl like her should not settle and steer clear of a damaged person like me. She’s 29 and wants to start a family… I don’t want her settling for me, my struggles and issues when she can have a better life w/o me. I been trying to tell her that it’s okay, I’m not what’s best for her, but she believes in me…. I don’t believe in myself anymore… I don’t have help from any so called relatives or true friends. Me trying to help myself hasn’t been working. My whole life I’ve been fighting the struggle, and I feel like I’m just sinking down a dark hole, not winning at all.
I’m not an expert but I’ve done a lot of research in psychology, some online from reliable sources, some more formal in college courses. From what you wrote, it seems that your most pressing issue is dealing with the traumas you’ve suffered inflicted by your dysfunctional family. For one thing, and frankly I don’t know how well-supported this theory is, but I’ve read that people contemplating or even attempting suicide are unconsciously fulfilling their parents wishes. Given your mother’s attempt to abort you, this seems to fit your history of attempts. BTW, why on earth would your mother tell you that a) you were illegitimate and b) she tried to abort you? It reminds me of some of the crap my mother told me and it’s both destructive and unnecessary. It also seems connected to your feelings of unworthiness and attempts to isolate yourself even further by pushing your girlfriend away. I don’t know if you’ve tried therapy, but since you don’t mention it, I’m assuming you haven’t. I think it’s worth a try and could be the beginning of a more rational self-assessment and a happier life. I’ve been to several therapists over the years and it’s helped. Granted, my situation was nowhere near as horrendous as yours, but my upbringing sucked and it’s taken years to overcome it. There’s a fairly new technique called EMDR, or eye movement desensitization and reprocessing. I have a friend who tried it to overcome the trauma of finding her sister who’d hung herself in their parents’ basement. Given that it helped her, I’d deem it worthy of the effort. If you just Google EMDR, you’ll find the location of therapists using that technique, as well as explanations of the process.
None of the crap that happened to you is your fault; it’s more than likely that you know that on an intellectual level. But the intellect is only the surface when it comes to trauma, and feelings go far deeper than that. I grew up feeling at fault for all the abuse I got. I think, at a subconscious level, children can’t help but blame themselves, since parents are our pseudo-gods and if they can’t be wrong, it must be us who are wrong. I never felt I actually did something to deserve the abuse and neglect I got, but that there must have been something wrong, something “unfixably” wrong with me or it would not have happened. In other words, I was not wrong in my actions; I was wrong in my essence. Maybe that applies to you, as well. There’s help out there and you deserve to be happier. I won’t kid you; it’s work and sometimes painful work, but in the end it’s worth it. There’s also a book that I’ve read through several times and have recommended to friends: Dr. Susan Forward’s Toxic Parents. That helped me, as well. I know we are strangers to you, the people who respond to your posts on this site. However, that should show you that some people do care and do try to help. I am hoping the best for you. Finally, you can try to be the man your girlfriend sees in you, be the better person she deserves, instead of rejecting her love. This rejection seems to me like another self-destructive action. Don’t let those horrible parents win.
do you realize how important you are to your girlfriend? you most certainly do matter. care for her happiness, much of that happiness is you.. you are worth a lot to her.
I wish I had a girlfriend or anyone that cared for and believed in me as much as she does for you. I honestly believe that would help me in my struggles.
I just want to fall asleep and never wake up or dream, because evening dreams can turn into a nightmare. Maybe this is the best it’s ever going to get in God’s kingdom. Maybe this is the way God wants it to be. I don’t believe in the devil and even if I did I know who made the devil that is God so God is the devil for making the devil lol. I’m mad because I’ve been sold a sack full of crap and I want my money back.
Sometimes i just wish i wouldnt wake up . Dreams are so peaceful, i just want to dream and not wake up . Life is too much once it hits you
yeah life is better in dreams
Agreed
I see my life like a movie. You start watching film on netflix and after say 10min you see that the film is boring and switch off . Exactly I see my life , I am 42 and looking back what have I achieved vs expectations and where I am now with my life what are my perspectives for the future I have come to the conclusion that it is absolutely pointless to continue. I have lost any drive , motivation for anything in this life. Living on autopilot , every day is the same, stress and anxiety over the roof . I have nothing to live for . I hope I will die soon hopefully in a sleep.
How do I stop feeling hopeless and so lost. I am a shell of my former self.
I was a good mother, I think and a good wife and now I am nothing.I feel dead
OMG That is me just throw in some chronic illness and that’s me. What’s the point in fighting so hard. For nothing and no one.
Omg, that means we all the same. I want just to sleep and be in my dreams there but sometimes I find my self in bad dreams and I desperately take my self out from it but realising that waking up real life is same thing and I left with no where to run anymore. If I go into bad dreams then whats the point of me wanting to escape the reality. This is when I feel I’m in deep hole. When u want to sleep and be in Yr dreams then u are lucky as u got the escape but when u know that if I go to sleep and find my self in awful dreams and I wake up into same real awful reality, where to escape??? Just face it. No matter what face it, keep going. Facing it untill the reality becomes controllable no matter what. Its all energy. Its not that bad as we think it is. Just face it and watch how everything turns into energy we want it to be
I like the way you put it. Fight, untill you find some good energy.
Whenever someone dies, I think to myself, “They’re the lucky ones.”
Me too
I’m going through that now so many times I’ve had to deal with depression. I’m getting tired, no more therapy no more psychiatrist.
I entirely agree! Life is meaningless and being forced to exist is wrong.
I recently lost a good friend, he was 32. He did things alone, had no girlfriends but be was one of the best blokes I knew. He had his whole life ahead of him and would go hiking in nature just to appreciate life as it is – he was a free spirit. I found out he was taking online mental health therapy meetings every week. I think he was embarrassed to tell me when I asked, we weren’t close. I get it, he was lonely. But he passed away in a car accident and I cant help but think that he tried so hard, and would find the positives in life to look forward to, always going hiking and spending time outdoors. I think I would disappoint him if I didn’t try to give life the same amount of effort. He’s a stronger person than I am, but he defiantly isn’t ‘lucky’. He wouldn’t have wanted to see his family cry at his funeral like I did, and I can’t imagine what went through his mind as he passed away. Maybe he was grateful.
I can’t say I would’ve wanted to take his place, I love my parents too much for that and I have never met his. But I cant help but think he was making more of his life than I am right now. He was trying and – while embarrassed – wasn’t afraid to admit how he felt.
I’m sure he is missing out on something. Whether it be a fruit from his garden or sight he never got to see, he is not a “lucky” one. He appreciated the little things too much for that – he tried too hard at life for that. Rest in peace Rhys. I hope you too take inspiration from a kind man you never truly knew and never got the chance to know.
“So, if you have passive suicidal thoughts, please take good care of yourself.”
Funniest thing I have ever read. If you weren’t so busy pandering to your own desire to appear the hero, you might actually do something heroic with your life. It’s amazing how many people like you cannot see past the pre-conceived ideas about why people want to die. Therapists are the same, they can’t think outside the box because they are mentally limited to things that can only exist in their pre-determined box.
Some of us have achieved more than you will ever achieve. We have been more successful than you can ever hope to be. We have been more supportive of other people when they needed our support, than you could ever imagine. And after all that, we simply believe we have done enough to justify our desire to no longer be here. We don’t need to cling to one more day, We don’t need to drag life out past its sell-by date. The reason people don’t want people like me to die, is because they don’t want to lose their free-pass to unlimited help. I have earned my right to want to die.
The truth is, people like you don’t deserve people like me. People don’t deserve free access to everything I have spent a lifetime learning. You deserve nothing but you expect everything, is it any wonder people like myself want to die? You just can’t stop making demands of people and you continue to do it on pages like this. You want, want, want and that’s all you care about.
Be better, do more and stop expecting everyone else to do what you want of them, because people like you are why people like myself want to die… because you never stop wanting of others. Respecting other people isn’t about agreeing with them, it’s about accepting their choices unconditionally. Selfish people want others to keep on living and you see that every day with parents and brain-dead children. They refuse to let go because they can’t respect their child. It’s sad how needy other people are.
I’ve been reading this page for a while and have seen some real anger in response to someone who just wants to help. But yours is the angriest, so far. You might consider why people reaching out to you causes you to attack them as selfish and, apparently, far less intelligent, educated and accomplished than you. While you are right that it is your right to choose to live or die, your demeaning attack against people trying to help you see reasons to choose life is way, way over the top. It’s interesting to me that sometime people who most need help are the most hostile to anyone suggesting they get help. I’ve seen this kind of denial up close and personal and know it can get pretty vicious. Your anger and certitude that you are right are not proof that you are. You might try a more rational approach.
I agree with you. I haven’t talked to anyone in my life about my suicidal thoughts as I fear their reactions. I fear that they will become defensive, not knowing what THEY did to make me “like this”, I fear them calling me an attention seeker, a selfish, spoiled brat. I fear them not listening or respecting my thoughts and not validating them. And so, I agree with you wholeheartedly. You might not be able to read this comment and I’m not entirely sure what spurred me to write this either. I just wanted to thank you for making me feel seen on this article’s comment section.
The way I see it is that there’s too much bad in the world for it to ever be worth living. Even though there are times when I do enjoy my life, I still feel like it is not enough to make being alive worth it. I’m a college student and I do not know how I have made it this far because every day I hope I would just die. I have people in my life but I feel like I have no one to talk to and I keep everything to myself. It’s time for me to start applying for jobs and I have a lot of pressure being put on me but I am so emotionally exhausted that I cannot even bring myself to apply. What is the point? I don’t want to kill myself but I often daydream about dying in my sleep or getting cancer. I don’t even want help because i feel that I am past the point of fixing.
Hi idk if u will see this but u describe my situation almost perfectly. All I do is suffer and it seems so pointless. It seems like the bad people always win and it’s so frustrating. I’m so frustrated all the time. The world is horrible. I’m extremely bitter and I feel like a waste of a life. I truly have no passions or anything I’m good at. So the thought of working somewhere for 40+ years is terrifying for me. I know I will never excell in anything. I feel so alone. No matter how many ppl I have around me. I wish I never existed. I don’t want to die bc the hurt I’d cause with my parents and my pets I’d leave behind just pains me too much but there is nothing I have ever wished harder for than not being born. If there was a genie that would grant me 3 wishes I would just use one.
I’m sick of being sick sad and lonely. Can’t drive i’m isolated in a fucking town and it’s just shit.
i killed my son so my life needs to be ended as well. i keep asking God to take my life but i wake up every morning even more depressed i am still here. please take me lord. plan b is ready if you want me to do it. you want me to take my life to prove in my loyalty to you. one way or the other i will die.
Tina,
I can only imagine the agony you feel. Your son died, which itself is an enormous tragedy, and you blame yourself for it. I don’t know your situation. Whether you killed your son directly or didn’t kill him directly but feel as if you did, the pain sounds unbearable.
Please, I hope you are getting help from a professional, pastor, hotline, support group or somebody else. You can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text “help” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. I list other free resources at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Thanks for sharing here, and I hope you get support in your grief if you don’t have it already.
Im a logical practical person , and i look around the horrible world and all the suffering and evil (99 percent caused by people) and i think this is not my world i expect and was promised better as a child. No one mentioned grief, the sheer mental trauma of someone you love being in pain while you helplessly stand by while they die. I have brothers and sisters and one friend i cannot talk about this to. But i really wish i didn’t have to be here if it wasn’t for the grief it would cause them i would kill myself. Because things are only going to get worse . Whats the first rule of war , If you can’t win ,dont fight. The only way to a happy life is to be born an orphan never love anyone never become attached to anyone dont feel love and you wont feel grief. I actually looked up if it would be possible to delete my memory using drugs or operation so i could wake up in the middle of nowhere with a note which would read dont try to remember or find your previous life avoid people and pets. There’s nothing in this world for me .
Anon,
You’ve conveyed powerfully just how much you’re suffering, how hopeless you feel, and how much you feel burdened by others’ potential grief for you. I hope your suffering relents at least a little.
In the meantime, if you want to talk with someone, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255) and the Crisis Text Line (741741) might be a good resource for you.
Take care, and thanks for sharing here.
Did I get drunk and forget I wrote this post? I swear I’m reading my own words…
Me too. If you find away to erase the memories of all the people you want to forget please post and let me know!!! I wish I never knew my brother’s wife’s’ family. They destroyed everything I owned and pretended to care until I had nothing left then my nephew threw me out of my brothers house at gunpoint (elders abuse I’m 63) and I thought they loved me. I took care of them for 40 years!
Right, my life is crap. I have never had anyone tell me the truth with any consistency. Every promise (not exaggerating) has been broken. I have no one to trust. If I go to a doctor, I’ll lose my clearances needed for work. All that holier-than-thou crap is insulting and degrading. “Count your blessings, others have it worse, change your perspective, it’s only temporary” dismissive, hurtful, narcissistic crapola. Try living in a body that doesn’t work correctly. Constant pain, weight issues (yes, I F*ing exercise and watch what I eat, it hasn’t helped in 30 years, why would your diet plan work?) feeling like I’ve been flattened by a truck every day…
If I have one more idiot throw their god in my face, I probably won’t have to worry about slogging through a life I don’t want. When the cops show up, they’ll probably just shoot me-seems like the go-to response from cops these days.
I feel like I work so hard in life and get nothing in return.
I just want my brain to be quiet.
Carol, Have you tried meditation or yoga? Even hatha yoga, which focuses on the body, includes some deep breathing exercises which always helped me. It’s worth a try. There is a self-teaching book by Richard Hittleman, which teaches you the major positions in 28 days. At the very least, it will give you something else to focus on.
A safety plan? Good idea for those who want to live, and are scared by these seemingly random thoughts of suicide. Laughable for those of us who sincerely want to exit. The challenge, is to figure out which camp you are in.
So true. It is so condescending to hear the good intentions of others when all you want to do, 24×7, month after month, is die.
I am potentially HIV positive and decided that if I cant complete even the simplest of goals in life then why make myself suffer through it? I talked to crisis workers my own mother and brother even and I refute their points calmly just as I do this article. Some people just want a peaceful passing and you give us a stupid phone number that has a college graduate on the other line that most of the time spouts the regular bullcrap at you. If someone desires to pass a certain way and time it’s their decision not yours. Your life is yours and mine is mine. If you think giving people a phone number to fix all their issues they want to break from is gonna make them change their mind cause let’s face it- a phone number or counselor doesnt fix the issues at hand. You can talk about a leaky roof but does it fix the actual issue? No. Especially if it’s a permanent issue such as HIV in my case. Noone will ever wanna be with me, I wont be able to have a family or do the simplest of goals I ever desired to growing up. I simply write this to defend everyones choice in how they go and to tell people to stop tossing phone numbers and counselors at us or anti depressants that you become dependent on because your brain now needs medicine to feel relatively normal or have a gauge on yourself. Its foolish those are the resolutions you have for people who truly have nothing left. Noone has ever had anything to say once I got off the phone with them defending my own right and ability to decide how I pass. I dont get to decide how you pass so you shouldnt try to make me live a life of suffering. In the very likely chance I was lied to and given HIV I have already made plans to do experimental treatment and if that doesnt work or get any scientific advances for others infected or myself then I decided I’m not going to go down the road of suffering HIV often brings with it.
Dont toss a phone number at people and expect it to fix their root issues that cause the depression or decision on suicide. It is absolutely foolish when someone’s made their mind up.
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Andy,
It’s clear you’re hurting, and I’m sorry. I don’t want to argue with you in any way, but I do feel the need to clarify a few things, both for you and for others who read this:
HIV is treatable. It can’t be fully eradicated from the body, but with proper treatment, an HIV+ person can have a long, full life.
Therapy can help. No therapy works for everyone, but research indicates that psychotherapy can help people to feel better and to not act on suicidal thoughts.
Calling a hotline can help, too. A review of studies about the use of hotlines, chat, and crisis text services found people consistently reported improvement after the conversation, including “decreases in suicidality, improvements in wellbeing, receiving referrals, and developing self-care plans.”
It’s not only possible, but also common, for someone who’s resolved to die by suicide to change their mind. As I write in a different blog post, no person’s suicide is inevitable. As long as a person is alive, there’s potential for a change of decision, circumstance, mood, etc. This is why most people who survive a suicide attempt are still alive many years later.
From what you wrote, it sounds like you feel very hopeless about your future. My hope for you is that you will not view that hopelessness as a factual prediction but, instead, as a symptom of your painful circumstances, and that you will get help.
Thank you for contributing here.
I found every line quite apt but its like I don’t trust anyone now. It seems, everyone has betrayed me. I hate my surrounding. Too much negativity I have inside me.
I really enjoy how I say I want to die and everyone says that I don’t really want to die, I just want to stop my suffering…
Honestly, I can’t even follow that logic. How lucky they are. They’ve never felt it and therefore never wanted to end their lives.
OF COURSE I want to end my suffering. Dying IS a perfectly viable way of achieving my goal. Medication isn’t working. Therapy isn’t working. Exercise isn’t working. Seriously, nobody knows what to do with you when you ask for help. They just kinda stop talking to you. If you’re lucky enough to break free once, it’s never for long (at least not with the bipolar diagnosis). It waits. The monster under your bed or hiding in your closet. You know eventually it will get you again. You can only hide from it, give into it, or kill it. There’s a catch. That monster is, was, and will always be you.
Now, let that sink in and get back to me.
I know after COVID there are so many more suffering alone, but it’s always just been me and the doctors. I really did try.
I figure if medical science gets really good (laughable considering the headlines but possible considering the age of the leaders in the United States), I’m about halfway into my life, maybe less, if my mental illness doesn’t take me first.
The only reason I am still here is because I know the statistics. I’m aware of how very often people fail, leaving them incapacitated in some way. Trying, failing, and being unable to try again is not an option.
It should be my choice. It should be everyone’s choice, but I’m going to change gears here. Many of the comments I’m reading are atrocious. Many of you are suffering because people have made it impossible for you to get the help you need. Greed. “Pull yourself up by the boot straps.” Indifference.
I have an illness I have been fighting for more than half my life. I am fortunate enough to have the means to do it, even if it’s not working.
Depression is often rage turned inward. It seems many of you are angry about things you cannot control and you shouldn’t hold yourself accountable. A prosperous society takes care of the members held within. I don’t know the solution, but I do know that being a total pain to the powers that be (and it takes constant bothering), doors seem to open just to shut you up.
As for having nobody, nobody will ever care about you like you care about you. You are the center of your own universe and they are the center of theirs. This is the western way. We are a culture who values the individual over society. Solitude and self healing get far easier when you can accept this. When nobody goes it with you, it’s okay to go it alone or with your doctors.
All these things I’ve learned along my path and they’ve gotten me further than I ever expected. It’s just that after careful consideration I have come to the conclusion that I’m so very tired. I tried, but this is all I have left to give to society. Advice from slightly further down the mental health path. It’s rarely heeded nor does it offer me relief. I wish that doctor assisted suicide was okay, especially for mental health. I’ll either find my fool proof method or go to bed every night and wake up every morning wanting it to be over because I have an illness nobody seems to be able to control.
Good luck.
The part about people suffering due to a lack of access to help is so true. I need serious therapy, as well as medical attention, but I don’t have the funds to do this. My condition gets worse every week, but there’s nothing I can do about it.
I’m reading this article because the thought of “I want to be dead” keeps coming back, but I literally cannot get therapy because of how the US system is set up. My physical health took a sharp decline- herniated spinal disc followed by constant vertigo so I had to quit one of my jobs and stop a lot out outdoor activity, but I can’t get medical help because the USA is literally the most expensive in the world- and yet the quality is ranked 37th. I’ve had 4 doctors appointments for the vertigo, but they all say they don’t know what’s wrong, then they refer me to someone else, only to be told the same, while they continue to charge me money. I’m literally running out of money.
I have trauma with spending money because I was recently living on the streets, and I only recently got a job and housing- so it feels like a cruel joke for all this to start happening to me now.
If it helps I will tell you this, I’ve experienced vertigo and have seen a couple of doctors and hit it on the head. Now I don’t know if you get migraines but it was told to me that vertigo can be caused by migraines .
I have migraines and experienced vertigo when I had the headache along with every other symptoms that come along with it. My suggestion would be check it out and see if there’s a connection.
I wish you well.
Lololololol I hate to belittle everyone’s pain and anguish but when I look at myself stressing, hurting, wishing to sleep and never wake I just see how selfishly pathetic I am, obsessing about my useless existence, my my my perhaps guidance on how not to be completely worthless might be a better route to take, I’m sadly still here, still got this stupid life and stupid time, can I maybe find some solace in doing something for someone else, if not for some sense of redemption maybe just a short term distraction from the nightmare of this existence. Being alive and living are not the same thing it’s a sad thing sitting on my fat arse waiting to die can I break my laziness long enough to do something about it and get out of purgatory one way or another…
Some just dont want to fight the futile battle ahead especially if they could have issues, disease, or physical factors that are permanent they simply want out of. I dont think its pathetic to not fight certain fights especially ones you know you will lose in the end, why send your men on a slaughter mission and for no reason when you could instead turn away and orient yourself to another battle which is trying to find solutions to fix the permanent issues or simply stopping the permanent issues with a permanent decision. It isnt selfish to choose when you go. Your life is your life just as someone elses is theirs and noone controls each others time clock except ourselves and time itself.
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I am sorry you feel this way and hope you can find another way to ease your pain, but you are correct: it is your life and your decision. Please choose carefully.
I Feel ya pain mate x
A thing people have said it’s that suicide is selfish. You think only of yourself and relieve your burden while those left behind will carry on in misery at your action. Selfish, as in the act of suicide has inherent disregard to your family or friends.
It finally occured to me recently that guilting me into continuing my unhappy and unwanted life so you won’t need to confront the total nature of my happiness is what’s selfish. To disregard the mercy one is asking of you for the simple convenience to live on your life without us, that is cruel and selfish.
So much effort goes into distorting the truth that some people will arrive at a natural conclusion for their life and yet suffer a body that can still function. I want to be proud of my life. I gave it an honest shot and persisted in the manner of my will, hopeful for a wonderful life. I didn’t succeed. It didn’t work out and I’m okay with my loss. Someone who’s never truly lost may not understand the completeness that’s felt by reaching the end.
Jason, I agree that people are wrong to call suicide selfish. You can’t stay alive with all the pain involved just to spare others the pain of losing you. However, one thing I am sure of is that suicide is a permanent solution to problems that might be temporary. At least, wait a bit and try to change things before making such a permanent decision.
Shit don’t change
Sometimes it could be a permanent issue such as illness or whatnot. Why continue to fight if the battle is useless anyways? Noone has been able to give me a good argument back as to why fight a battle you wont win anyways and you can choose your own passing how you like as well versus a painful heart attack? Instead I or we (I speak for anyone else in a similiar case) would likely rather just fall asleep and not wake up with a drug concoction rather then having a painful time punch.
Suicide is a permanent solution to the permanent problem of temporary problems forever.
My thoughts exactly! What drives me crazy is that national suicide hotline add that pops up all the time. I don’t want their help. They would not understand at all. Just give me some crapola about how my life matters and their is a purpose and those other lies they spew at you. No ones life has “a purpose”. That is just a ruse to keep you from sending yourself to the grave.
I have wanted to “go” since i was 9 years old. I’m 58. I was adopted and not told found out going through my mother’s papers after she died. This totally destroyed me. Liars the whole lot of them. I wish they had just left me in the orphanage. My parents were controlling, narcissistic and cared only about what others would say about them. Never cared one lick about me. They only adopted me to “look good”.
I will say always to the day I die that I ever should have been born. I am a joke to all I meet and I am just waiting to die. Every morning I wake up and curse that I woke up. Nothing bothers me more that to hear someone say “well it’s better than being dead”. No, it really isn’t
I read what you wrote, and felt I had written it myself. I was also adopted to make my parents “look good” to others.
I read what a few others had also written who were adopted. I know my problems are from being adopted.
I’m Borderline Personality, with severe chronic anxiety, and depression. I have also become PTSD. I have tried to get help, meds, counceling, I’ve been hospitalized 3 times, and to be honest, I’ve tried to commit suicide at least 10 times.
I have been on 19 medications because for every pill they gave me, I needed another pill for a side effect. I stopped taking all my meds in 2012. I lost 100 lbs and I was finally living alone, and never felt better or happier. But 2 years later, I was living in my car because my adoptive parents stole $100k from me to help their natural born son and his family. Then they turned their backs on me all together and have not heard from any of them since.
I was hospitalized in September 2020. I have been trying meds and counceling once again. But nothing is helping and I feel worse than I did without meds.
No one can fix me. My dreams are all way behind me. I have no goals, ambition, hopes, or aspirations. I just have empty days filled with pain, anxiety, sadness, and hopelessness.
My nights are filled with nightmares, sleeplessness, and tears.
I don’t have a single person who would miss me if I wasn’t in this world. No one would shed a year if I was dead.
No one should ever go thru this and not be given a choice to end their life to finally get some peace.
I pray every night not to wake in the morning.
The sad thing is that the people that guilt trip you are the same people that will conveniently ignore or downplay your cries for help. These are the people that will tell you to pull yourself together, think positively and think of the people worse off than you. They do this because they don’t have the capacity to actually listen or care and it makes them feel better about themselves spouting out generic phrases. They are the same people that will use you for support but when you need that help they will conveniently be unavailable. They will not miss you when you are gone but just will not be able to accept their guilt not grief.
Suicide is not selfish. People do not have a choice when they come into this world (they don’t ask to be born). Some people are born lucky or are able to make their own luck whilst others endure a lifetime of suffering. If someone is in so much pain and feeling so much unhappiness and have made a conscious decision to end their life why should this not be respected. I am tired of this life and also wish I could just go.
For some, suicide is inevitable. It is their destiny, it has been in their life plan from day one. Like everything else, the timing has to be right.
It’s my first thought when I awaken and it’s what keeps me up at night. I research ways like I’m writing my thesis.
If I undo my seatbelt thinking if I get in a wreck, hopefully I will die, is that active or passive? I see the oncoming car and I will them to cross into my lane, is that active or passive? Sure I could be the one to cross lanes but with the way my life goes they would die and I would live…..
For some suicide is inevitable. For me, suicide is inevitable. I do not understand the problem with this. I have accepted it and am at peace, why shouldn’t others be? We all are going to die. Does it really matter how we die?
Lastly that patient safety plan is laughable. If I could name one person much less three that I could talk to maybe I wouldn’t be this way. Some people are destined to be alone, truly alone.
When someone dies from say cancer, we mumble things like “they are pain free”, we need to realize and say the say same for suicide. It’s often the greatest sacrifice we can make.
I am with you friend. I will not abandon you like people have abandoned me in my suicidality. I am in the same boat as you. I also understand that it is my destiny as well. Most have no idea what that is like. Most are oblivious to the basics in their life let alone destiny, that is another topic. Anyway, I am with you friend, all of the positives of my being. Most people are cowards when it comes to the topic of suicide. I am sorry you are alone. I am also alone.
I am just someone who stumbled upon this page, and I’m sure you can guess why. I have been reading all of the posts on here, and I am sitting here with tears in my eyes and my heart is breaking and hurting with every word I read. No, I am not a doctor, therapist, or special suicide prevention person, but just your average everyday gal with depression issues like everyone here.
I first want to say, I love you! I don’t know you, but I do. I know alot of people never get told that in their life! I have and still live with someone who I loved commiting suicide, and to this day, although noone knows, I still live with the pain, so bad, it feels like my heart is being torn out of my chest!! I’m not here to make you think life will get better, or that your problems will go away. The truth is that problems will never completely go away, and more may come. People will let you down, and Life will mostly suck day after day!
I too have had the same thoughts as everyone, about just giving up, but, then I think to myself, that’s what Satan wants me to do! Whether you believe it or not, Satan has been on this earth for a while and is the one that is destroying everyone’s life. Look at the world today and see what is happening out there. Whether you think so or not, you are special in ways you will never realize!!! You look in the mirror everyday and see nothing, but something you did or said today made an impact on someone’s life, whether you realized it or not. It may have just been a smile someone needed. God is here for you and me, but the devil will try and make sure you feel worthless on a daily basis. No, I am not try to preach to anyone because by a means, I am not perfect!! I’m just trying to show you and everyone else, that someone out there does love you and will listen with an open mind and not judge you!! Noone in life, no matter how it looks to you, is not struggling with some kind of great pain. The world is going to hell, literally. I just ask that you try one thing before giving in… Get on your knees and ask God to take away your pain, and show you the answer. I promise you, if you give it to God and tell him that you can’t handle it anymore, HE Will carry you the rest of the way!!
Is everyone worth saving? What if Hitler was on this site. Would you tell him his life matters too? Maybe some people aren’t worth saving. How do you measure that? I just beat my wife. She hasn’t left me yet, but if she does why should I stick around to only hurt people I love?
Yes I wish I could go to sleep and don’t wake up I don’t want to live I pray to God every day to take me ,and I’m hungry because he does not take me
Sb – Well, no, knowing what I know of history and his abominations, I would definitely not try to save Hitler. However, that is a false comparison; as awful as it is that you beat your wife, it doesn’t make you Hitler. There’s also a false dilemma in your post: there are more than two choices, kill yourself or keep hurting people. Consider a third alternative, which is to get help. In the meantime, until you’ve learned to control your temper, yes, your wife should definitely leave you.
The third alternative never works. I have been getting “help” for 30 years. Very blessed to have all the resources to do so, have tried every modality from all the drugs, ECT and 50 kinds of therapy. Nothing worked. Leave us alone to deliberately to make our plans and don’t try to stop us. I see how you might want to stop someone who is reaching for the gun impulsively, but with us long termers, why does it matter if we choose to end our own pain?
I’m sorry that therapy hasn’t worked for you, but I can’t help but notice that you demanded that we “leave you alone.” That doesn’t really square with your writing on this site, does it? I responded to you; I did not seek you out to bother you, which “leave us alone” implies. Again, I’m sorry you feel this way, but my responding to you does not imply I’m trying to interfere with you. Have you really tried 50 kinds of therapy? I didn’t know that many even existed.
Well, this site is anonymous, so if Adolf Hitler was still alive (and not 131 years old – maybe he had his brain transferred to a cloned younger body?), was still ruler of Germany which was still at war, and wrote into this site, we wouldn’t know who he was. But it’s an interesting question – what sort of email might he write? If it was ‘The world is a terrible place because it still contains Jews and Romany and black people and disabled people and gay people and I haven’t been able to exterminate them all and I live in Germany and my country is losing the war and I want to kill myself because I’m afraid of being captured and executed,’ we might challenge some of his prejudices. But that doesn’t mean we’d urge him to kill himself.
We might just conclude that, as this person was clearly insane, the best thing was for him just to be prevented from being able to harm anyone, and definitely not in a position of power over others. At the moment, we don’t have a way to cure someone of being a psychopath. Perhaps one day, we will. (And that would raise all kinds of questions about whether you are valuing someone’s life if you subject them to surgery that changes their personality – possibly violent criminals who are too dangerous ever to be released might be offered a choice between life imprisonment or psychopath therapy.)
From what I’ve heard of him, it doesn’t sound as if Adolf Hitler felt guilt about anything he’d done, which demonstrates that you are NOT like him. But if he was the sort of person who wrote, ‘I’ve murdered millions of innocent civilians in my own country, quite apart from all the service personnel and civilians who have died in wars because of me, and I’ve finally realised how wrong this was and I feel disgusted with myself and I know I don’t deserve to live,’ then yes, I think I would feel that, if he’s capable of growing and thinking and regretting past actions, his life DOES matter and IS worth saving.
You wrote your email nine months ago, and I don’t know what happened about your marriage, or how violent you actually were, or whether you have been violent again since then. But I will tell you that I know a couple, both of whom were aware when they got married that they had emotional problems. In the first couple of years of their marriage, there were two incidents, one in which she was having a panic attack in a hotel bedroom during a holiday, and he was so stressed at not knowing how to deal with this, and not wanting to raise his voice, that he slapped her face (not hard enough to hurt, but that’s not the point). In the second, when they were having a row at home, he smashed the cup that she habitually drank out of. On both occasions, he was more shocked and upset at what he had done than she was.
From conversations arising from these incidents, after they had calmed down, they devised coping strategies to deal with stress. They knew that, barring rows, in general they loved each other and wanted to be together. In time, they came to need these strategies less often. They have now been married five years, and are a very close, very loving couple who are extremely glad to be together. They are in therapy together, not to discuss problems with their relationship (which is currently going well), but to discuss with a therapist the problems that each of them individually has, how each person’s problems affect the other, and what to do to support each other.
I’m not saying domestic violence is ever acceptable – of course it isn’t. But neither does it mean that you are irredeemable or that it would be better if you were dead.
I wish I could die but that’s somehow too selfish and I love my family. I just want to disappear. I wish I never existed.
I just want to die….owing some people money and having difficulties in taking care of my wife and daughter
I feel like I’m already dead inside. I don’t feel hopeless and I’m very thankful for what I have. I focus on that more than on what I don’t have. I really want relief but antidepressants, adhd meds, anxiety meds don’t work. I’ve done therapy and have a background in psychology. I just have no drive to keep going because I’m exhausted. I haven’t been employed since I got fired from my first real job a few weeks after I witnessed my grandfather die in front of me. Im back in school for computer science but my mom died my first semester back and I found out I’m pregnant this semester. My husband has ptsd and struggles with suicidal thoughts as well. Two suicidal disabled people being responsible for another life (in addition to my two stepsons) is difficult. I’m also autistic and seek care through my husband, who is already overwhelmed as it is. Tonight, I cut my thighs with scissors a lot and I feel so ashamed. My husband thought I was doing it to be manipulative because I did it when he was blowing up on me but really I was just so overwhelmed and numb I didn’t even feel the cuts. I thought the scissors were dull and not working at first. But now my legs hurt really bad, my husband is avoiding me, and I feel pathetic because I have SO much homework but all I can do is stare at the wall, cry, and wish I could go to sleep and not wake up.
I have lost my son to suicide and want to join him.
I am so sorry! I too lost someone, my ex-husband, to suicide, and it is painful for me to think about even years later. I think to myself, is there something I could have done to stop it? He beat me daily, and treated me horrible, but I forgave him in my heart because you have to know that there’s something that person is struggling with that makes them so angry. I don’t have children, but I could NOT imagine loosing a child, and the pain you must feel! I know your son is looking down from where he is and saying he’s sorry for hurting you and that he loves and misses you more than you know!! I hope you find some kind of peace in your life, but don’t take the same route he did. He would tell you that. Just tell him every day how much you love him and miss him, because he will hear you! The pain will never go away, but it wasn’t your fault, and I promise you one day you will be with him again, just don’t hurt the ones that love you and make them go through the same pain that you live with every day.
Im sorry. That is why I am waiting for my old man to kick the bucket before I off myself
I wish that I was dead
I JUST WANNA BREAK OUT LIFE
People don’t understand the pain. Buck up..Be grateful..Count your blessings.. Stop complaining.Change your way of thinking..Think of those left behind.. Really? The pain is unbearable..I’ve done the therapy..prescription medications.Nothing works.. I don’t want sympathy.. I’m not looking for attention..I just want the pain to stop. I’m sure that people who truly suffer from years of depression without any relief or temporary relief ..only to have the depression return with an avalanche of darkness upon them..understand..how..I feel.
Yes, your words ring so true with me. My mum spoke to me recently and these are her words exactly “I KNOW depression, but fortunately I can count my blessings and pull myself out of it”
It is this complete lack of understanding that just goes to show the level of ignorance and the infliction of even greater damage this mentality causes.
I defy anyone to ‘KNOW depression”.
You either HAVE depression or you don’t.
Sending you love and the cold comfort that you have a fellow sufferer who absolutely gets you x
I understand just how you feel
I know the pain. I don’t want it anymore.
I am sick of myself I just wanna go to sleep and die and don’t wake up I am tired of this , I am tired of all the people especially my family I’m sick of all of them it’s how I feel I’ve been feeling like this for months I try to take my life but I guess I’m not doing a good job but I don’t want to live I have this in my mind every day when I wake up sometime I cannot even sleep my husband asked me if everything OK I tell him yes I just couldn’t sleep instead I’m having trouble going to sleep I had to take pills to go to sleep I take two or three but I wake up in six hours
Dear Elizabeth
I don’t who you are ,either you don’t know me.But to say honestly I am really fed up with my life.I barely have any friends.Years back I was always with friends at school and at college,but now I am alone at home and it’s like I am all alone.Even I do not have a boyfriend .My ex had cheated on me who I love alot .So I really have trust issues and it’s not like I can start love anyone else except him anymore.I have big stress with my studies and financially too.My famjly problems are also a burden to me.I do not want to be a burden to my family by telling all those things and I do not want to go to marriage life.I am afraid that I will ruin my partner’s life also by being married to him and not being loyal to him .There are times that I have decided to go to a monastery .But it’s not easy to do with my family since I am the eldest of my family and can not just neglect my family that easily.So I think the best way is to commit suicide .I don’t want to tell these things to anyone because no one actually care and mainly because I don’t want to be a burden to them .Everyone is struggling with their own problems.
Just trying to understand your logic here: if going to a monastery is neglecting your family, as you say, how can suicide NOT be neglecting them? You seem to have closed out all your options except for suicide, but, to me, this contraction shows that you’re not thinking clearly. You’re making the assumption that you can’t talk to anyone about your issues because “no one actually cares.” How do you know that? Is it possible that this assumption is also part of your skewed thought process? If your family is dependent on you as the eldest son, wouldn’t that mean that they must care about what you do? And, yes, everyone is struggling with their own problems, but that doesn’t mean they can’t listen to and understand yours. Try something different, as you have dug yourself into a rut. As to losing all faith in marriage because your first spouse cheated on you, well, so did mine, multiple times. After the divorce, and a relationship with a boyfriend, who ALSO cheated on me, I took a 4-year break, fell in love again, this time with someone who would never cheat on me, and 18.5 years later, we’re still happily (mostly) married. What’s happened to you may have been beyond your control, but giving up is not beyond your control. You might consider online counseling; I think it would help you.
I understand elizabeth . I feel exactly the same xx
I hope you get better
I honestly think it would be better if I died but I know that this will affect others around me so a word of advice that’s coming from a kid. think of those who love you and do your best to not dwelve into the dark pit of dispare.
Anonymous – It’s a brave and noble decision to spare others your “dark pit of despair”; however, I hope that, in the process of staying alive for others, you learn to appreciate that you have others who care. There might also be other positive factors in your life that you’re not considering. Finally, there are sources of help, such as online counseling. If you tell yourself that it can’t help, consider this wise advice I got from a friend: “Don’t believe everything you think.” Do some reality testing before falling prey to dark thoughts; they might not be true, in other words.
I know so well the pain and pointlessness, the feeling of wishing to end it all the dark black place that seems to be the only place that makes sense, I’ve had depression for many years people have no idea how hard it is to pull your self out of that black pit, it’s like I’m hanging by a thread. You can’t talk about it if you do, you get think of all the suffering in the world or people in hospital waiting hoping to get better yes yes I get that and hate myself even more I would love to be able to donate any parts of my body to help people who need them to get better all I ask is to be put to sleep, all you ever see is greed and fighting people killing people or killing the planet I don’t want to be part of it anymore I’m getting so tired of it all day after day what is the point of life . I hope people here understand how I feel,
No how you feel.wake up every day wish could be free from it all.there so many horrible things happening so much cruelty an abuse an neglect.an so much hate. We don’t see the good in the world. I no thre are good people who do amazing things for other creatures but for everything good something bad happens or it seems that way it like fighting a losing battle.each day gets harder
I feel I’ve failed my family, girlfriend and kids. I don’t want to keep being a burden
Yes I have tried. I just wake up with ems trying to wake me up. Then I get fucking mad that I did wake up. The worse feeling the world is waking up alive. 13 times I tried. All the doctors tell I should have died. Then I say God didn’t want me neither did the devil. So go to bed wishing I would with covid. Ask god if you let me die and let someone live I will do it. Again in bed wishing I never wake up. I would give up my soul if I have one. I would give it to the Devil if he would take it
Paul, Please don’t take this the wrong way, but it does occur to me that if you tried 13 times and still woke up alive every time, maybe part of you wants to live. Try listening to that part instead of the mantra that says you want to die. Putting aside the issue of God and the Devil not wanting you, what is it that makes you want to live? There must be something. You have reached out to people on this site, including Dr. Freedenthal, so maybe you’re not as hopeless as you think. Please try to figure that out and don’t give up. There may come a day when you’re happy you did not succeed.
Hi Paul, I’m sorry you are in so much pain & this will probably be of no use to you .
but it scared me to see you would offer yourself to the devil.
I feel you have some sort of belief in the after life if you mention god and the devil .
i think we are spiritual beings having a human experience , whatever our experience is ..good ..bad , painful .I think it all has lessons for our souls .
I am not trying to be all religious on you , but as you have mentioned God and the devil , you must know that eternity with the devil won’t be good .
life is hard ,painful sometimes and lonely , I know only too well myself .
whatever you choose to do and I hope it’s to find strenght to carry on , maybe god has a purpose for your life and you just haven’t got there yet .
listen to this guy on YouTube..Wayne dyer ..spiritual solution to every problem .it might not help but it’s worth a listen .
I wish you well .
❤️ hang in there, that all we can do..
YES I JUST WANT TO SLEEP FOREVER
I don’t want to die I just enjoy the thought, A lot of the time my life takes a turn for the worse, I am a optimistic person but it feels as if the whole world just wants to drag me down no matter how hard I struggle and keep my chin up.
Recently I’ve been feeling hopeless as all my attempts at happiness and a brighter future turn out for the worse. Today I am really down, I was aware of my thought that the only thing I look forward to was eating and sleeping and how nice it would be to never awake a way end all my suffering.
I am now middle aged and I have struggled with thoughts of not belonging my whole life. I recently gave up working with my partner’s blessing as I would come home every night with the same petty issues about the place for years. I had to get out as it was not a good place for even a mentally healthy person to work.
… . Now it doesn’t seem to matter what I did at work or at home now. My partner makes comments they are supporting my lifestyle choice because they have to, not because they wanted to. What I thought was a chance to reset has become a new trap. I was happy at home for a few weeks but now I feel inconsequential or a burden that no one needs or wants me except my cat. I’ve applied for jobs but no one wants a middle aged worker. My beloved cat of 19 years is at the end of his life. When he goes I feel like there is nothing left to hang around for. Family and very few good friends, none of them bother with me despite me trying to reach out even to say hi. I understand they have their own lives but they don’t hear me when I try to talk to them about anything. It’s like I don’t matter. I’ve tried counselling and meds but this doesn’t help my mood for long. I slip back into a numbness with occasional bouts of sadness and loneliness. Now feeling when the cat goes I want the vet to put me to sleep too.
I totally understand..I had to quit my job.I was sexually assaulted at work..I had been raped as a teenager.. My dad was a raging alcoholic.. We won’t go into the experience ..I had with him.I have a rare genetic disease .. I got disability a year ago .. I can’t live off of it.. I have my ederly mom living with me..Mom has dementia & is legally blind. We live in a small country town where rent is cheaper.. No one comes to visit or calls us.. Everyone s too busy with their own lives. I go through the same routine everyday.. I get absolutely no support from family or friends. I’m only sticking around to take care of my mom. I thought..about..putting her in nursing home & then ended my life
I’m only staying alive to take care of her. I did adopt a dog last year..I love him dearly.. He is truly my only comfort &companion . I have a daughter who is 27 years old.. I was an excellent mom. .. I lived for that girl.. She was my greatest blessing.I never thought of suicide while.I was raising her..She moved away..& over the years grew more distant .. It’s painful .. She seems to be indifferent to my need for company. I have no one.. She knows of my last suicide attempt in February of 2018.. I have 3 prior attempts.. She doesn’t know about.. I had my first attempt at 17 ..& 53 my last attempt was at 58.. I did get out of emotionally abusive relationship that lasted 33 yrs . I’m tired of living.. I hate to see morning come.. I want out.. No one knows the how hard it is to mentally & physically make it through the day. I’ve tried praying..meditation..motivational websites.. therapy..prescription medications.. I’m screaming on the inside from so much pain. I set a date.. I hope..for the sake of mom & daughter..I can keep myself alive.. I don’t want anyone to feel guilty or cause heartache.. I just want the pain to stop.. Not working..& not having social contact has made the situation even mote more isolating .& throw covid into the mix..
I know,but don’t have the guts.I have the worst selfish husband in the world.I stayed with him for the kids,now grandkids who don’t give a shit….tried therapy and moving….he used all my money,ungrateful bastard…..just worried about himself…..was in love with his disgusting mother….let him make my life miserable..
I say I’m ok, when I’m drowning inside,, the loneliness is so real, you could be surrounded with 1,000 people in the room and still feel, anonymous…..my heart breaks and all I can do is say…I’m ok
I feel the same ,I’m only 36 but I feel your years of pain, it’s so very sad your daughter is now distant that must hurt a lot , I wish I had a dog , I live in a small house though and have 2 children 12 and 2 .I guess one day they will up and leave me as I think they can see I am now Depressed and angry at the world , I have no real friends and work a crap job with a 2 hour commute all round daily . I never get anywhere in life and feel my kids will see I’m a failure as they get even older . It wasn’t supposed to be this way , my life was not supposed to be like this but the feeling of hating myself and being so sad and unhappy all the time is draining and makes me feel sick , I’d love to go back to when I was a kid with all that innocence . But I’ll never get to feel that again . I guess this is it for me . No way out of these walls in my head , it’s a very very lonely sad place and I don’t want to be in there anymore . Why did my life have to end up like this .
Edward,
I’m sorry you’re hurting like this. Self-hatred is its own intense hell because you can’t escape the person who hates you. I certainly can’t diagnose you from afar or based on a single online comment, but I will tell you that some of what you describe represents symptoms of depression. Depression is treatable with therapy, medication, even self-help tools like exercise and mindfulness meditation. If you’re not already getting help or using self-help, I hope you’ll consider doing so. Here are a couple books that might prove useful (I do not get a commission or anything like that):
Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself
The Depression Cure: The 6-Step Program to Beat Depression without Drugs
Feeling Good: The New Mood Therapy
Of course, there are many, many other books. If you find something that helps you, please let us know. And I hope you do find something that helps you. Thanks for sharing here.
I hope to go to sleep and never wake up, this is my mantra as you would say now most nights, it’s more often now as I suppose I just want things to end. I am my mothers sole carer, who has been Diagnosed with Alzheimer’s, plus she had a really bad accident in 2016, which left her with mobility issues, she also had a swelling on the brain, which prob contributed to the Alzheimer’s, it’s damn hard especially as she forgets I’m her daughter, I know it’s going to get worse so I’d rather end it now. It’s just me and her now, my sister, who is a recovering alcohol is not much use and lives miles away, and my brother the one I’m most closest too emigrated to Australia with his girlfriend, I don’t blame him really but I feel he’s out of the picture as he is alone over there surrounded by his girlfriends big family. That and I might feel and will lose my full time job, as lately I suppose because of this I’m making huge serious errors at work, as they keep telling me and have disciplinary warnings twice, so another and they have told me they will let me go, I really don’t want to lose that as it took me four years to get, but I know I will. I just feel my life at the moment is crap and I can’t do anything right or hold down anything good in my life, please please god I just want it to end.
Oh honey. I am in my seventies, mother of two and I know if your mom were in her right mind she would want you to live your life as best you could. There is a whole world out their waiting for you . There are places for her to be cared for better than you can. ~I know it is heartbreaking for you but it is for the best for her & you. I think she would want you to be free as I would not want to be a burden upon my children. You know you’ve done everything you can. Free yourself & her NO GUILT ~Know she will be in a better place
Nothing more I want . Don’t enjoy the life , everything seems struggle feel constantly down . Live like on autopilot. I just want it to end. I feel so so mentally and physically exhausted.
Hey dude! Please find a focus or a goal to work towards – something positive to think about. I have had these kind of thoughts and found that if i focus on helping other people or work towards a small goal then these type of thoughts disappear. You will soon find your worth by helping others. You are special and unique -everyone has a superpower -i know you have one -go and find it.
Yes, I do just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
Well, it’s hard for me to open up to anyone actually since my anxiety got worse this year so I guess I’m just afraid of opening up now and I hate that, like I really do want open up but it stops me and I really can’t handle this pain I’m handling, it been almost 5 years, I still have Depression, Anxiety, Ptsd, Dysthymia and much more, and I just want it to go away, every since I was 1st grade, my life been fucked up, I smoked, cutting myself, I been sexual abuse, I did drugs, I got bullied, I almost killed myself but someone’s held hand for me to hang on and they died three years later to suicide, my house got on fire when I was 9, I been in car accidents, I even got lost in city I don’t know, I had people that I thought they will never betray me but they did haha… Even now, two weeks later, my step- father called me failure and… my mother agreed, and now I’m here still suffering like always, I got in therapy but it isn’t doing anything, and now online school had gave me a lot stress and getting overwhelmed more, and now I feel alone, no one to help me, no one to realize that I can’t hang on much longer, I really don’t want to go, I just wanted to help future that I can say it’s perfect for me, but the more hang on, the more lose sight on that future… Maybe I’m being too dramatic but I’m not to be honest, I really want help… thanks for reading this, I know wasted ur time but I just needed to get something out… 🙂
I’m in this right now diagnosed with bipolar but that’s not the issue it’s the damn depression it’s killing me. I attempted suicide 3 times and although I have good support and a great doctor , I feel that it’s not enough to go on. Depression will beat you until there’s nothing left to live for.
I always was a cheerful child but while growing and at 4-5 years old I started to notice things, observed and realizing things…words. I became homeschooled at 6 and a half, about to be 7 because we were moving a lot, parents fighting a lot, money was struggling, and family wars. I then got trauma, PTSD, anxiety. By 11+ I started to think of suicide, self-harming, and more… I couldn’t do anything for my family while we were sleeping in our car, so I felt hopeless. Then I started cutting because as I still remember my brother told “everything is your fault” so I cut for punishment. Though even now I stopped I’m back at it, cause now it’s not that it was my fault but that I’m worried about myself, I feel insane. anxious, suicidal, and empty. I’m lonely as well, nobody listens to me so this is really hard for me, cause not just that I have a crazy mother that she is so unpredictable like I don’t know what she could say/do to me. I’m always locked up and barely go out. though i’d just be happy by talking to someone. Need help.
I wish I would just die. My complete life is a failure. I have never felt like I belong anywhere and I don’t understand why? I am about to go through a third divorce. My children don’t really deal with me and I have no friends. I am currently unemployed—had to resign from my job due to health issues. Two weeks before Christmas my wife stated she no longer wanted to live with me and she wanted a divorce. She said either I leave or she would leave. I left my home and currently living with my mother. 50 years old no money, no friends, no support, homeless, depressed, angry and frustrated. I wish I would just die!!!!!!!!!
Growing up I quickly discovered that my mom didn’t like me and she treated me different than my siblings. I never knew why until a couple years ago…..I gave her a puppy and she stated boy I do not want a black dog and she continued about how the black puppy was ugly. She hated me because I was dark complexion. Nothing positive only failures. Your site stated that there’s no difference between wanting to kill yourself and just wanting to die. I guess time will tell
Anonymous,
That’s a lot to deal with on your own – feeling or being unloved by your mother, and, if you’re correct, for such a baseless reason. Do you have someone you can talk to (or are talking to) already about all of this? I hope so. If not, please consider calling the national lifeline at 800-273-8255 or texting the crisis text line at 741741.
To clarify, there is a difference between wanting to kill yourself (“active” suicidal thoughts) and wanting to die (“passive” suicidal thoughts) – those thoughts and feelings are about two different things. Research suggests, though, that the risk for attempting suicide is the same whether a person’s suicidal wish is active or passive.
Thanks for sharing here!
Jrob,
Your circumstances and your emotions sound so very painful. You’re dealing with feelings of grief, rejection, sadness, anger, and inadequacy, while also challenged by unemployment, estrangement from your children, a lack of friends, and homelessness. I can only imagine how desperate you must feel. I hope you’re getting some kind of help, or will soon. This is a lot to deal with alone. Thanks for reaching out here.
I think this is the same person writing all these entries. I understand you desire to help, but truth is what sets us free, not a do-gooder. Be honest and true in all that you do. I wish you well.
“Calling you out,”
I have indeed written all the posts on this site, and I’ve written all the comments with my name attached to them. Everything else comes from other people.
Thank you for the well wishes! And I wish you the same.
You are not alone. I wish I could offer a solution. I cannot. Only solidarity.
I’m just trying to power through my daily disappointments.
Surely there is path out of this sh*t as there was into it. I remind myself that alive>dead, as much as “alive” sucks donkey balls.
Looking at my life I have been a failure and nothing but hurting every one. I am tired of trying to go on. My father didn’t want me. I just want to go to sleep and stop breathing.
Anonymous,
Those thoughts and feelings hurt so much. I’m sorry. I’m struck by how all-or-nothing you’re thinking is. You say you’re a failure and you’ve hurt *every* one. I don’t know you, but I suspect there are some people you haven’t hurt and some things you haven’t failed at. This kind of all-or-nothing thinking can be a symptom of depression, PTSD, and other problems, so I hope you’ll consider getting help if you’re not already doing so. There are treatments available that can help you to feel better, cope with your pain, and see things more realistically, including changes you can make. And please remember, when your mind is being mean to you, you don’t have to believe everything you think.
I think from the outside people think I have it all. I’m 27, a boyfriend, a warm family, friends, a nice job. But truth is.. I’m a very sad person and think about dying a lot. I tried to talk to a therapist but since I’m so good at putting on my “happy mask” she thinks it’s nothing to worry about. I try to hide it because if she actually knew how often I think about death… I feel she will worry. I don’t want people to worry but I also feel so alone. I also feel that I’m not allowed to say I’m depressed because I should be thankful for what I have. I don’t want to die because I care too much about the people around me, but sometimes I wish it just happened. Reading these comments made me want to post. I feel less alone. Thanks to everyone who shared
Dear Anonymous – Next time you’re in therapy, stop smiling, drop the mask, and TELL THE TRUTH. She can’t help you if she doesn’t know what’s going on with you. Stop being the hero; it is not your job to protect her feelings. Let her worry; she’s the professional and will know how to handle it. As it is, you are making it impossible for her to do her job. Thank you for sharing and be as honest with those who love you and are tasked with helping you as you are with the strangers posting on this site. Be well and good luck.
I feel like I don’t want to go on but don’t have the courage to do anything about it.
I am 59 and on my own. I should be grateful to be alive as alcohol abuse nearly ended my life 8 years ago.
I want to drink again as I know the consequences that come with that.
I feel like a failure and have achieved nothing.
I don’t want to die. I want to heal. For months, been calling every past therapist for assistance or referrals, doing my own online sourcing….. calls are either not returned or mental health professional not taking on new patients; PCP useless. Even started calling suicide “help” lines; the kind-hearted listener is kind and willing to listen, but not helpful to me. Lifelong PTSD survivor, abusive cheatin’ husband of two months, then two back-to-back concussions resulting in serious post concussive issues. Broken brain, broken heart, broken life, broken spirit. I have a plan, I have a method, and I’m putting my affairs in order. Once that last administrative task is complete, and my earnest search for a lifeline fails….finis! A sorrowful life ended. Peripheral casualty of overburdened healthcare system and the misfortune of being born to truly crappy parents who couldn’t escape their own crappy parents.
For years I have thought about looking up into the sky and seeing an asteroid the size of Alaska headed for Earth. Knowing I would die and there is absolutely nothing anyone can do to stop it. The feeling of total loss of control is refreshing. You can’t run, you can’t hide. Just accept the inevitable and try to enjoy you remaining moments. No sense in getting angry, or sad, or complaining. It is what it is. Grab a beer, light a cigar, and sit on your roof and watch it come in. Boom, lights out.
I get that!
I hope I go peacefully to sleep tonight and never wake up.
I wish I could do the same
I feel the same way most of my feelings comes from not wanting to be a burden to any of my loved ones
People like me, who wish they were never born, should be rounded up and killed. I mean that. I would gladly let someone else kill me, since I wont kill myself, because I am nothing but a waste of whatever and a leech on limited planetary resources. Why continue to live, hating every second of it, when somewhere half way around the world, or even in the town that I live in, someone that wants to live is starving to death at this moment? What sense is that? Why does society want everyone to live? Why do you put us through that shit? Let us fucking go. And help us to do that. Dont punish us by making us live in this place, whatever the fuck it is. My one and only wish is to never have been born. Respect that, Dont just tell me Im wrong.
Bret,
Thanks for sharing here. How very painful your words are to read. It must be exponentially more painful to feel the feelings that led you to write them. I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. It’s sad you believe that you should be rounded up and killed and that you are a waste. I appreciate that you shared here, and I hope you’re also talking with someone, or will soon, about how you feel. Even though your feelings of worthlessness might seem true to you, they can change. They’re a belief, not a fact. I hope that you discover reasons to believe differently about yourself and your life.
I dont get it. Why would people who want to die, not be allowed to do so? The whole big thing now is conservation, go electric, recycle, etc. All of which is bunch of crap. The same cannot be said for planetary overpopulation. That is real. People like myself who want to die, should be praised for sacrificing themselves for the greater good of mankind. Removing an unnecessary leech on limited resources. But no, instead its keep corpses alive for a paycheck, and utterly unthinkable to terminate a willing, healthy mid aged man/woman. And if by some miracle that does happen, they starve us to death. Remember Terry Schaivo? I may have misspelled that. We are far from civilized.
I would upvote this if I could. Death pills should be available for us.
I always thought that if you’ve no intent, as in you aren’t going to carry out the plans you have, it’s not considered suicidal.
What would engaging in behaviours that theoretically could cause death, but never have to you, be called?
E, I guess it would depend on the risk level. I’ve sky-dived a few times and look forward to doing it again. Some might consider that too risky and wonder about such issues as a death wish, but if you look at the stats and have qualified people folding the parachutes and instructing you, it’s really not that risky. On the other hand, golfing, which people consider extremely low-risk, gets a lot riskier in a thunderstorm with the threat of lightning. Scuba-diving in caves seems pretty iffy to me, but people do it all the time and most get out alive. There are cases where risk-taking is symptomatic of some sort of psychological problem or suicidal behavior, but, again, it depends on the risk level and the skill level of people indulging in those behaviors. Handled properly, risk taking is thrilling.
E,
It depends on the activities. Some behaviors that theoretically could cause death, like substance abuse and drunk driving, would be considered self-destructive. Others are recreational; Linda gave a good example with skydiving. I’d think of those kinds of behaviors as risky, but not necessarily self-destructive. It’s an interesting question. Thanks for posing it here.
I am 48 years old & I have failed at everything. First marriage, couldn’t get him to pick me & my son over alcohol. In my 30’s I had CVA Stroke I couldn’t work anymore. That didn’t stop my then husband of drinking & violence. I filed for divorce which made me file bankruptcy. My son was 17 at the time & didn’t like when his Dad would drink. He’s 23 now & sleeps a lot, introverted & will not finish anything. While his friends are graduating college & marrying, he’s working part time & the rest of the time sleeping. I try talking to him & he is angry. Now I’m in darkness I want my son to be happy. I believe he may be like me, I didn’t finish college, I’ve failed at being a more assertive Mom, I’ve failed at my marriage, I’ve failed at my health, I’ve failed at money in all aspects. My family has helped me but I’ve always had it thrown in my face that they did this and that so I owe them every second of the day. I’ll never be able to pay them off, being disabled and I’ll never be able to make something of myself. I want to sleep and never wake up. I really hate myself. I’ve ruined my sons life. I’ve made him just like me. I’ll never forgive myself for any of this. I shouldn’t have ever married, had a child. Nothing. I hate myself.
D.S. – You’re taking on a lot of other people’s failings and making them your own. I, too, was married to an alcoholic and learned to accept that it was his burden, not mine. He finally got sober, but I had to leave him anyway. There’s saying in AA: when you sober up a horse thief, what you get is a sober horse thief. LOL He didn’t steal horses, obviously, but he was still the same self-absorbed, lazy control freak sober as he had been drunk, just a lot less dangerous. But by then I’d had enough. I don’t look at that divorce as a failed marriage. I tried to make it work for 15 years and, as he himself admitted later, I was the only one working on the marriage. That was his failing, not mine. As to the alcoholism, it’s a disease and one he’s managed to finally fight to a standstill. Again, I did not make him an alcoholic and marrying him was not my failing either, as there was no way I could know at that point. It’s just the way it turned out, as with your CVA; that was not your failing. You did not fail at health; if anything, your body failed you. I think you and your son would benefit from counseling, as it seems you are both really good at internalizing the failings of others. As to your family helping you and torturing you for it, that is not your failing either. They’re tools. Take the help you need and ignore their bullsh*t. You have not ruined your son’s life; if anything, your alcoholic ex did that, but still, it’s not too late. Counseling can help you both, believe me. It made a world of difference for me to see my life from the perspective of a caring, knowledgeable professional. A famous philosopher once said, “No [one] can see around their corners.” An outside perspective is what you need now and there’s no better outside perspective than a professional. Trust me; it works.
well i just wanna die from sleep not suicidal thing
I’ve failed at everything also marriage parenting and having a social life I hate being around people but am severely lonely but I believe I’m addicted to hating myself
Just had enough of life
I can’t remember ever going to sleep not wanting to sleep forever. That is except for those nights that I effectively drowned my feelings with alcohol or other drugs and was completely numb and perhaps near death anyway. Now I am just tired and wonder how I find the strength to get up each day and face the world that has rejected me for so long, and why, I have made a lot of contributions. At least so people tell me. I have given of myself when asked and even bleed for some, yet when I need help there is never anyone around. When I invite someone to coffee or to have a meal they are always busy. They don’t see how much that hurts. And that is the crux of it really isn’t it? The desire to escape that inescapable, abiding deep pain that robs you of any joy. No I don’t want to die I just want relief, and I don’t see how that is possible while there is still blood coursing through my veins and chemicals firing between my synapses.
Now I lay me down to sleep with any luck I’ll never wake.
hello ..I am sorry you are feeling so low ,my advise to you would be , stop drinking and taking drugs , they are not going to do you or your mental state any good .
As for people letting you down , I have been there , so what I did was i became my own best friend , and I took really good care of myself to the point of I don’t need anybody , but if someone does want to spend time with me , have a coffee or meal etc ..well then that’s great and I appreciate that time with them and enjoy .
Everyone’s lives change , people move on they have different responsibilities to get on with as their lives grow and to be a good friend to them you need to accept that .
loneliness is awful and very hard , but you need to try to find new interests and hobbies so you can move forward and grow in your life , no matter how old you are , it won’t be easy and it won’t happen overnight , I still have bad days , but you got to try .
focus on quitting the booze and drugs , maybe go to an AA meeting , focus on you .
I wish you well , and I hope things work out for you .
I feel like I should not be here im 45 years old little life few friends loss job of 24 years parents who can make them happy. I feel damaged person. I feel damaged. I feel damaged and go on but nothing ever goes right for me. Why am I here? My damage can not be fixed.
I’m also broken and beyond repair. I have no friends. The small family I have left doesn’t want me. I’m in physical and emotional pain all the time. I lost my therapist of 4 years due to insurance reasons.
[This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]
Lance,
I can hear how hurt and hopeless you feel. Are you getting any help? I highly recommend talking with a therapist, psychiatrist, crisis hotline, or all of the above. The feeling of being damaged and unfixable can be a sign of depression, post-traumatic disorder, and other treatable illnesses. Cognitive behavior therapy, medication, and more have helped many people. I list some options for psychotherapy in another article. To talk with someone immediately, please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. Please take care, and thanks for sharing here.
i have 2 elderly parents, the last 5 years have been hard, I would like to fall asleep and stay there, I wish you all well, do take care and I hope u can be happy
5 years ago my desire to live faded, after something that happen to me that scarred me for life.. changed me dramatically. Has consumed me, left me just thinking and feeling different about people and life. I use to be so strong and full of life, now my heart beats and this body moves but I’m dead inside. I really don’t want to be here anymore, I’m just tired, of all the bad in this world… It’s sad. Nothing for me here, I’m ready to go. I just don’t have the courage to take my own life away. Nothing or no one can help me get back together again, I’m broken.
I don’t understand the reason or purpose for coming into this world, but one thing I know is that I will never ever see life the same again and what we grew up believing in about how human existence began and the religious part of it, now is a doubt to me. I always grabbed onto the seed of faith that was incoulted in me, but now even that is gone left with nothing now. What’s there to live for?
Changuita – I am sorry for whatever happened to you five years ago and understand your feeling that life has lost all meaning for you. However, you don’t have to believe everything you think. In other words, your thoughts right now are a product of the change your trauma caused you, but you don’t have to believe these thoughts or act on them. Sometimes, our emotions overwhelm us and affect our thinking. You can fight back; you can answer back when your mind tells you life is worthless. What’s more, millions of people have either lost their faith in organized religion or were never inculcated with that faith. I for one have found my life worthy without such beliefs. There is still beauty in the world. Try getting “out of your own head” to recapture the love and wonder that this physical world can still offer. Try a virtual tour of a museum, which many are offering. Do some research into the amazing world of plants and animals and all their astounding adaptations to survive and thrive. Keep searching until you find something interesting enough to distract you from your certitude that life is meaningless. Ironically, I’ve found researching my own psychological issues have helped me to understand them and feel less ruled by them. Most of all, don’t give up on yourself or sell yourself short. Maybe what you think of now as a lack of courage to take your own life is actually that small voice within that tells you you’re wrong and that hope is not actually dead, just dormant. Finally, I’d advise you to find a counselor; many will work with you on a sliding scale that you can afford, if money is an issue. Dig deeper . . . below the dark thoughts. You might find the courage to go on that you don’t even know you have now. Give yourself and life a chance.
Changuita,
What you describe sounds so very painful. It also sounds very much like symptoms of post-traumatic stress disorder. Of course, I can’t diagnose that based on a single comment on an Internet post, but I can tell you that trauma can create feelings of numbness and isolation, change a person’s worldview, and cause them to see only the negative. If you haven’t already received help, I highly urge you to do. If you do have PTSD, know that it is treatable with cognitive-behavior therapy.
Best wishes to you, and thanks for sharing here.
Wow I didn’t think this was a thing
Exactly how I’m feeling
ok heres my stories, lets see what advice anyone has for me…
im 32 male from uk. I have been a nomad (a member of a people that travels from place to place to find fresh pasture for its animals and has no permanent home, a person who does not stay long in the same place; a wanderer) my whole life, I feel like I have lived a thousand lives already, I have travelled all over the uk, Ireland and Europe, experienced things and seen things most people will never see, had a gf kill herself at 15 I found her, was with her 5 years, lost my dad in a accident in the 90s, in a relationship now for 4 years but on and off, I don’t get sex, affection, attention, anymore, her young kids call me dad or ‘lucy lee’, I have a hole that I cant replace with anything, (I have tried drugs, drink, adventures, sex, nothing fills it in), now I constantly think about lying in a coffin and I actually smile, no joke, I actually feel comforted by the thought of lying in a coffin sleeping forever, you know when you are soooo tired and all you can think about is your bed and you imagine whats it like to get into bed right now and the feeling is overwhelming? well that’s how I feel about sleeping forever. I have no friends, all my family abandoned me, my partners family I live with but im constantly reminded that its not my family, I have no purpose and no place I belong. please don’t tell me to go to the doctors or get counselling because I was past that 15 years ago! any advice would be great.
this is me, actually smile when I think of myself in a coffin and knowing I will sleep peacefully forever.
good article but you haven’t covered all the bases.
for example what happens if you don’t have family or friends? im a nomad, have been my whole life, I’m 32 and have been feeling like this ‘passive suicidal thoughts’ for the past 20 years. its comforting when I think of lying in a coffin dead, I fantasize and even dream about lying in a coffin no more pain, troubles or any feeling and it brings a smile to my face. what is even more satisfying is how easy it is to overdose on something.
you should add that into your article.
I feel lost. Wish simply sleep and join my oldest son who died year ago. It was shock and i feel loss like it happened yesterday. I am 70 years old. Still working and dealing with alcoholic husband. Some time he stop for 2 weeks when he is already so tired that he can not walk. When he drinks he mentally abuse me. Nothing what’s i do is right. Screaming that neighbors hear everything. Few times i called police, but nothing happened to him. His son feel pity for him that he is sick and how could i call police on sick father. So here i am a bad one. I applied from the city for senior housing. I got a small apartment. I go there occasion . But i feel guilty that I leave my sick husband alone. He has seizures taking Diazepam , and other medicines. Don’t eat sometime whole week except drinking beers. He broke things arround the house. Things i bought with my money, New Tv, lamps, and other stuff. I am weak , I feel worthless. Good for nothing. I start cutting my hands that blood was running . This gave me some kind of relief. I dont want to kill myself, just naturally die. My son was also drinking like my husband. He was kicked out from the house, living on the streets of Detroit, Indianapolis. His father told him he is loser. And not like him who finished PhD , worked and now let’s himself to drink until he die. So my son last time when he came home from another treatment center, his father asked him: what you doing back home, you have to go back to another program. My son was in bad shape when i came home from work, next day he had very important appointment for green card. I asked my husband, that i will call 911, he told me not to, he will be better. So i did not. Till now and never I will not forgive myself that I did not call ambulance. At 4 am I found him on the floor dead. Ambulance crew was working on him for hours. Too late. Now I wish I can join him wherever he is. I went to psychic, she told me he is happy and will see me when the time comes. I hope its true. But I feel so guilty, I should have stood up against my husband and not let him kick my son from our house ever. I was weak. Years of abuse did that. I still have 4 children. They have their life. Daughter shows me lots of support. But she is in NY. I am in Michigan. Now I work until 11 pm and I am afraid to go home, that he will be drunk and start harassing me. My life is senseless.
Your life is not senseless. I am also in my 70s wondering if living longer is of any real use or value. Your story, your courage will help me keep going. So please remember you are of value. You have helped others. I wish that you may find some joy as you battle on.
thank you
I am on my way to a real dark place, I am so alone and don’t see any light. I have little to no money a cheating lying husband after 34 years and no way to fix anything. Its after 11 pm and he isn’t home again, I’m going crazy not knowing where he is or who he is with. He told me this morning he was done.
DCM, I had a cheating, lying husband, too, the first time. He was also a bipolar, alcoholic control freak. Even after he got sober, finally, he was still a controlling asshat. When I left him, he was shocked. LOL It was hard. When I first decided to leave, I had nothing that I owned myself, not even a checking account or credit card, so I did some research and started by getting a part-time job and opening my own checking account. Then I started establishing my own credit history by applying for a department store credit card. Once I had those two baby steps, I found a small studio apartment and put in a down payment. Since I was afraid he’d react violently and/or start drinking again, I made secret plans to have about a third of what we owned together moved to my new place. If he’s already said, “I’m done,” I don’t think there’s anything left in the marriage to hold onto or repair. He’s done, so you have to be done, too. His evil does not define you; it’s his and his alone. My best advice is to create a plan and start moving forward on it. It may take awhile to get ready to leave, but I still think it’s your best option.
Tell him you’re MORE than done. No one should treat you like that. I’d rather be alone and living in a cardboard box then to have someone gaslight you like this.
A dark place is a dark place but you are living with yours.
Just leave him. Go to a shelter. They will have programs to set you up with a part-time job (if that’s doable), keep a roof over your head. And they can get you into transitional housing. I know it’s scary, but think of how depleted you are right now. And he won’t stop. He knows he can get away with it and you’ll be sitting at home when he decides to return. Leave, and show him you’re nobodies doormat.
I wish you the best.
I don’t know if you are still looking for a job. I know this is remote and part-time-https://boards.greenhouse.io/warbyparker/jobs/2017931. My advice is to leave him. He doesn’t bring out the best in you and that’s what life partners are for. He doesn’t deserve you and you should be happy.
I went to apply for that job but it does say this
”This is a remote role. However, you must be able to commute to our Downtown Nashville office.”
So yes it’s work at home, but you have to be in the Nashville area.
hi, I’m sorry to hear that, I’m in a similar place myself, male 32.
would love to swap stories?
I just wanted to say thank you to everyone here who was so kind. Good luck. ~ Annie
best of luck Annie, don’t give up, you never know what can happen .I will pray for you .
take care of yourself x
Rachel – The way Annie left has me worried. Am I alone in this? Is there anything we can do?
yes , I am concerned , Annie you might just let us know you are ok ? thanks
The last part of this article is completely useless! We don’t Want to find a way to keep living, we want a way to passively die! That’s why we are googling this question. We all don’t want to be saved. Many of us who have mental illnesses have given up on cures, many of us have suffered nearly our entire lives. Its no different than a serious medical condition that causes unrelenting pain and an inability to enjoy life. This is something the medical compresses to understand. Its our bodies, its our serve. We alone should be able to make the decision to live or die with no repercussions. Everytime read a story about someone saving someone else who is trying to commit suicide I wonder if that person who was saved felt good about it or was pissed about it. And people always applaud the “heros” that stepped in to help. In my mind its a personal issue. And nobody else has the authority to stop a person from exercising there rights. The only exception I take to this rule is children and teenagers. They have not developed enough mentally or intellectually to make rational decisions in these matters and intervention is absolutely appropriate.
Hi Renee, I would just like to say to you , I don’t agree .
when I joined this site , I really wanted to die , I was in so much emotional pain from my early childhood to my late 40s .
my life has taken a turn in a positive way , I feel I am healing .
I am so glad I didn’t take my life .
I think (some ) people who are on this site are in so much pain, they want the pain to stop.. not their lives .
Rachel, Your response to Renee is well-put. What’s interesting to me is the hostility toward this site and the doctor’s article, as if the anger they feel at their lives gets re-directed to anyone who tries to help them. Clearly, if Renee does sincerely want to end her life, there are sites that will advise her on how to do so. The sad thing about grief and depression is that, and I know this from personal experience, it often gets expressed as extreme anger that alienates anyone who might be able to help them feel better. For me, it’s sometimes part of the downward spiral that becomes obsessive. On the other hand, I am so glad you found this site and the doctor’s advice helpful and I am equally glad that you stuck around until things got better. I’ve been there, and, I, too am so grateful I stuck around. I guess I was lucky enough to have just enough of a core of optimism that survived everything negative that ever happened to me.
Linda I think Renee’s hostilty against the site is again to do with how much pain she is feeling &just lashing out .
thank you for your kind words , nothing has really changed in my life only my way of thinking ..it’s a bit more positive and long may it last , I suppose reading some stories here has made me realise I have a lot , I have a lovely home, a good job and I am healthy , so I am trying to make the most of what I do have, rather than what I don’t have
Rachel, I’m using the Reply button to your next-to-the-last post, as the last one doesn’t have a Reply button. I’m noticing this on more posts lately. Be that as it may, I agree and your attitude is helpful. Lately, although I’m stuck at home most of the time, I look around and am grateful for my home and my supportive husband.
Linda, that is wonderful you have a supportive husband .I’m sure you are as equally supportive to him .
that’s really nice .
it’s hard to keep positive during covid , I think it will effect lots of people mentally too , lose of jobs etc .
please god it will end soon .
Rachel, me, too. I am worried about the way Annie left. It sounded like she was giving up. Her life has been so hard, it’s hard to figure out how to give her hope for the future. I hope we hear from her again.
Rachel, I think we’re all going more than a little crazy with all that’s going on, including the virus. Although there are a few vaccines being studied, none of the studies include children, which means vaccines for children will take even longer than mid-2021, which is the earliest prediction I’ve read. We all need each other’s support to get through it. This site, for one, helps, I believe.
yes Linda this site does help , I don’t even remember how I got on it , but I know I was in my deepest despair at the time .
I was thinking of leaving the site , but might stay on a little longer .I would really like to hear Annie is ok .
Try living through physical pain In your body and screaming sirens surrounding your head 24/7 which can’t be drownEd out with anything and physically can’t live with anymore suffering. Having no sleep, not being able to communicate, or engage. Spasmed in pain, and being dismissed by so called health care since it’s all post Covid. When there is no hope, no moments of silence or pain free and your suffering in ways no one can understand just to be told this could be your life forever… I’m coming up to 7 months of pure torture and can’t find any relief. The only thing that scares me of dying now is how it is going to affect my family and how much I miss those I love not being able to connect in ways I once did. But if this is life , there’s no way I can carry on in this pain and torture anymore.
I am so sorry you are in such physical pain .And I wouldn’t like to be in that situation, I can’t imagine how awful you must feel .I am so sorry .
What about if you could live WITHOUT constantly wanting to die?
Linda, again there was no way to reply to your last comment directly, so I hope you get this. I do not have a computer, only my phone.
As far as a caregiver job, the only way I have gotten the ones I have are there is no pay involved. I work to have a room. I have not been financially compensated, and I have not gotten a day off since 2016. I work 24/7, even Christmas and my birthday.
My last husband was very ill, bed ridden for the last 2 years we were together. Its another long story Im not up to going into, but I was an army medic, so have limited, basic medical knowledge and training.
The man I am currently living with (who’s mother I cared for) has been very sick since last Thursday. He was admitted to the hospital and released the next day. He was seen by the doctor yesterday and we are waiting on labs. He had a kidney transplant 11 years ago, and he is not doing well. I “guess” now Im taking care of him.
I may have said this, but I had my own business from 1999-2006 when my then husband got sick. I made $60 an hour. My business suffered and eventually folded. Over the next 5 years, I couldn’t do much of anything due to his daily visits to doctors, the ER and hospital stays. I actually lived at a hospital for 6 months with him during his illness.
He got somewhat better in 2011, and then walked out on me. Another long story. So with the huge gap in employment, and companies not really recognizing you as your own reference, the severing of ties with my entire family, and now working only for a roof over my head leaves nothing for a resume, and at my age…..well, lol, Im not able to find a job. Add my physical limitations which decline more every day, Im not really sure I could do much of a job. I sleep very little, I cry all the time, my sciatica makes it difficult to stand or walk. I have neuropathy so bad I lost the use of my left foot and soon after, the use of my right hand for 6 months. The pain is constant. Blah, blah. I know….
Anyway, at the hospital and doctors office the man Im staying with (btw, there is nothing romantic between he and I….I don’t want a man) he totally lost it, almost passing out when they took blood. I said, “now you know how I feel when I see a bug, lol!!”
Annie, Sorry I didn’t get back to you right away. I’m not ignoring you, I just don’t know what else to say. Your problems are so overwhelming I’m out of suggestions. Are there any free clinics you can go to? Some social work department? If you tell me what to look for, I’ll do some Google searches for you, but, frankly I don’t know where to start.
Linda, thank you once again for reaching out. At least you understand how I feel. “Overwhelmed” is an excellent word for it.
I tried the Community Service Board a few times. The last time about 2 years ago. I couldn’t stop crying. Some very young woman, maybe 20 tops, was who I saw. Obviously a student, I poured my soul out for maybe 5 minutes, sobbing uncontrollably. Her response was ” what would you like to accomplish in our sessions?”
I walked out feeling more hopeless, and totally humiliated. It was like trying to put a bandaid in a gaping wound. I couldn’t see beyond that moment, much less set goals for the future. Now, I don’t think Dr Phil could help me.
At one point, years ago, I started drinking, heavily drinking. I felt I couldn’t make it thru the night without a large bottle of wine.
Now, I seldom drink, and when I do, its 2 beers with lunch with the man Im staying with. I haven’t been drunk in over 5 years, and I have no desire to be. I think I mainly drank before just to sleep, and alleviate pain.
Now, I feel like most others here…and the topic being discussed. If I could just go to sleep, and not wake up. I don’t want another failed suicide. I don’t want to wake up in yet more pain. I want the pain to stop, and its never going to until I die.
There really is no help out there, Ive searched for years. No one can truly understand someone else’s pain.
My therapist understands my pain. She can’t solve my problems but she relates very well to the pain I feel. My first therapist was a disaster. She would say things like ”Let a smile be your umbrella” and she would tell me not to be so negative. I was severely depressed and suicidal. Luckily my 2nd therapist turned out to be wonderful. She truly cares and has bent over backwards to help me. I’m still depressed, I still have some suicidal ideation. But I know I have someone to talk to, to unload to and she has some wonderful insight into my issues. She has helped me tremendously. Please don’t stop at one bad therapist. I wish you the best.
I have not written in a while. I have been in counseling, I am on medications, I have a case worker, I have tried peer counseling, I have tried every avenue there is. Yet I am no better off. For the past year, I have been studying aviculture. Working with birds to breed, and become self supportive, and do something I love, while preserving these beautiful creatures for future generations.
On Oct 4, my birthday, my roommate told me my birds had to be gone by the end of the day or he would kill them. I lost a years worth of work that day and ended up in the ER in such an emotional state, I didn’t know what else to do. After 5 hours of waiting and not being helped in any way, I asked to be discharged. The following day, I tried to be admitted to the psych hospital voluntarily, but was turned away.
I have stayed locked in my room since the 4th. I have $130 a month income, and now, my car need $400 worth of work to pass inspection. I cant even move into it to live.
I have no family, no one to turn to, no help, the same pain, the same problems.
WHY WOULD I EVER WANT TO WAKE UP IN THE MORNING?
I keep waiting. I guess for some turn of events where my life may improve. Truth is, nothing ever gets better, only worse…worse, worse. Im 59 years old. All of my dreams have past, and I have no more dreams. Im too old. I am simply surviving, not living this life. I have no friends, no family, no one who would remotely miss me. I cannot sleep, I am in constant pain emotionally and physically. Nothing gives me any pleasure.
With this pandemic, everything is that much harder. The world has turned into a very ugly place. I have tried over and over to find help, but that’s a joke. There is no help, there never has been. Mine is not depression, mine is simply being beaten up by this world since the day I was born, thrown away, adopted by people who used me as an accessory, never loved. I guess that is the problem…a life without a single person ever loving me. I pray every day to die….just die and ending this constant struggle.
Hi Anne , I am really sorry you are feeling so bad .I think as older age comes , life does get harder , but 59 is not so old .
I feel the same sometimes and have really bad days .you should try listen to some positive stuff . I listen to Wayne Dyer on YouTube as I am falling asleep and I have found it has made some small changes in my thoughts .
I am naturally a very negitive person , but listening to him over time has changed my thoughts .
when you dont have anyone who cares about you , care about yourself , love yourself , you are all you need .help someone with a charity even if it is just once a month , it will make you feel better , give you a purpose.
Sadness , loneliness is an awful thing not fitting in , I have lived it most my life , but you may nave another 30 years here on this earth, do 1 small thing this week to make a change ..even if it’s a small walk on your own & tell yourself how great you are for making it this far .
Rachel, I am new and not familiar with the way this site works. I just saw your reply, so I hope you didn’t feel ignored. I appreciate your input.
I try to do something every day to make things a bit better. I crochet. I make all these afghans, only to throw them in the trunk of my car, but keeps my hands busy.
I don’t walk since i had to surrender my dog when i moved in my car. I don’t live in a very nice area, and walking can be dangerous. I don’t have room to exercise, and my music mostly makes me sad now, reminding me of better times or people who have hurt me. Stupid, I know…but just how I feel.
Unfortunately, it seems food has become my only bright spot. I don’t eat a lot, but I eat junk, its easier.
I think every night, “tomorrow Ill go to a nursery, or farm stand”. Just to get out and browse, get some fresh mask filtered air. But tomorrow comes and I don’t go because I know it will hurt I cant afford to buy something. Plus, its gas I need to save.
Depression warps your mind into overthinking everything until your mind feels so heavy, your body doesn’t want to move. Sciatica makes it that much worse, and fibromyalgia makes it nearly impossible now.
59 maybe, but I feel so much older.
dear Annie, I am so sorry things are so bad for you, it’s heart breaking to think you are homeless. I wish I could help you personally. I live in a different country to you so it’s not possible for me to come help you. if you would like to give your email address maybe I could contact you directly and see if I can help in some small way.
Don’t give up. you can see by the replys you are getting, that people do care.
Donate your beautiful afghans to Animal Rescues. Those homeless kitties and dogs will have something soft to lay on.
Annie, I’m sorry you’re in such physical and emotional pain and have no one to help you. I think we had similar backgrounds, having been raised by people who neither valued nor loved me. But I guess the difference for me was being born with a very defiant spirit and, as soon as I could, I set out to make a life for myself that was the opposite of what I’d been given, left home, educated myself and looked for love. Most of my attempts to find love failed, at least partly, because what I’d endured didn’t really equip me for success, so I had to learn the hard way. I’m older now, 70, and retired and, looking back, I see that I had friends and lost them, partly through moving around, partly through their dying, but also partly because I wasn’t always nice enough to keep them and people get tired of dealing with the unreasonable anger I carried around. I don’t know if any of this helps, but while it’s always been hard for me to reach out to people, I’ve managed to become part of a few groups and to create a successful second marriage. I also got help. I’ve been to therapy with several different therapists and can’t overstress how much that helped. It doesn’t have to cost a lot; the last time, I told the therapist how much I could afford to spend and that was her fee. There are always therapists out there willing to charge what you can afford. I’d try that if I were you. 59 is not too old to change, put yourself out there, find a professional to help you. But, I’m not the professional here. If I were you, I’d also address my questions directly to Dr. Freedenthal, the therapist who hosts and administers this site.
I really appreciate your response. At least someone acknowledged me. I set out several times to make a life for myself. I joined the army. I thought i would gain job skills to carry with me, be successful. Instead, I got pregnant by my first husband who turned out a drug addict.
I was put to bed for 6 months of my pregnancy with toxemia. After having the baby, I stayed inactive. I got an honorable discharge, but that’s all.
Then i took adult learning classes, got a job. Did pretty good for my son and myself. Then pregnant again. I almost lost the pregnancy early on after a severe attack and beating from my second husband. The baby was born premature. Nine months later after I became pregnant again after my husband brutally raped me and tried to kill me.
With 3 children, I went to college, starting school with the staples from my c-section still in, taking 17 to 19 credits a semester, but got an associates degree. It was a difficult economy, and no job to be found. I went to cosmetology school, and became an instructor.
I married my 3rd husband a few years later…he molested my daughters.
I taught myself web design and made great money but Husband #4 and his mother frauded me out of my home, and what was left of my money after my adoptive parents scammed stole 100k from me to move in their natural son and his family, and severed all ties with me.
I had been working so hard to provide for my children and I didn’t notice I was no longer their mother…my parents had become their parents, and they also turned against me.
I became homeless, living in my car.
Im a horrible writer. I don’t know if any of this makes sense to someone else. Trying to do the readers digest condensed version. All i know is Ive been betrayed by everyone Ive ever loved, and never been truly loved.
I can’t trust any more, and to me, love equals pain. How does anyone go through all of this and not want to die?
Annie, I agree that the regimen of 19 pills you ended up on had to be the source of many, many problems and I’m surprised you ended up on so many. As to therapy, the one you saw with your husband doesn’t sound like a good fit for you. I agree that it’s hard to see a doctor in these times, but I see ads on TV for online doctor’s appointments; have you checked into that? It’s terrible that you lost your house; are you still homeless? You do have computer access, though, and that might make it possible for you to find an online doctor and an online therapist. You’d had better times, so you know they’re possible. Please don’t give up on life.
Good morning Linda. You are such a good person. I really appreciate you.
I have tried to find an online Doctor. I have gotten tons of names from my insurance company, but have not found anything. I do not have a computer.
I lived in my car for 5 months. I was offered a couch in exchange for cooking, cleaning, driving, caregiving etc for a 500 lb man and his 300lb roommate. Long story as short as possible, I helped the 300lb man who had extensive health problems including diabetes lose 68 lbs and get off several medications. His A1C lowered to 6 as well. I met a friend of the 500 lb man during this time and started helping his mom who was 89, and had severe dementia as well.
Things went south after a year and a half with the 2 obese men, and I moved in with another man with macular degeneration as his “driver” in exchange for room and board. I continued to help the man’s mother 3-4 times a week. (Confusing Im sure).
The man with macular degeneration lied a lot. He was looking for sex. NOT happening. But I did a lot of cooking, cleaning, painting, moving furniture…until he found a girlfriend and it was VERY uncomfortable. So I moved in with the man who’s mother I cared for when she broke her hip in March 2019. She passed away July 27th. I am still living here, but he will be moving soon and I will be back in my car.
This will sound stupid and childish, but I have a huge bug phobia. The 2 bugs I am deathly afraid of are wasp and american cockroaches. This spring we got an infestation of roaches. No german roaches, the 2-3″ american roaches (extremely bad in this area). We were seeing them every day all over the house. I have a small room off the garage, and one night had 3 of them invade my room. Every night, I start to panic. My anxiety is bad during the daytime, but night time is horrible. When in my room I constantly watch the walls, and cannot turn the lights off. My body is rigid, my heart pounds, I feel frozen anticipating seeing one. The day after seeing the 3, I went to the ER chancing covid because my anxiety was off the charts. They gave me a shot of valium and I started sleeping at the feet of his mom (before she died, lol) with my feet in her wheel chair. I couldn’t go in my room for more than a couple of minutes. The night she died, I slept in her bed, and slept in her room for about a week until her son sold her bed. Now, I sleep for 10-15 minutes, wake in a panic and scan the walls. After an hour or so, I repeat this.
I know in my head its a stupid bug. They don’t sting, or bite, and cant hurt me. Unfortunately this fear was born out of a traumatic experience from years ago, (after an attack from my abusive husband) and when I see one, I cry uncontrollably and shake violently. I cant breathe and feel violently sick.
So…Its live in my car, or deal with bugs. These options both seem unbearable.
Im a caregiver at heart. I can help others, I derive pleasure from helping others. I give everything helping someone else, probably hoping someone will care for me. Unfortunately that never happens. Im abused, treated as a servant, and tossed aside. The ONE time I took care of me, I thrived. But once again, I end up just surviving.
Annie, I wanted to reply to your latest message with the details of your life, but there’s no “reply” button there, so I’m going back to your original message. Certainly, your life has been terrible and I can see why you’re depressed about it. There’s another thing we have in common: a bad upbringing with no positive role models does not teach you how to pick a good mate and you’ve certainly had more than your share of horrible husbands. I’ve read somewhere that suicide is sometimes acting out what we believe was our parents’ true wishes for us. Maybe picking the wrong men and the horrors that result stems from the same lack of love from your parents. Self-worth comes largely from the unconditional love you’re supposed to get from your parents; it you don’t get that, self-love or even self-acceptance is hard to achieve. Maybe picking men who make you miserable are also a result of that lack of a good love foundation. I know it worked that way for me for a long, long time, although I never suffered as much as you did. It’s on the same spectrum maybe, but my taste in men took a long time to mature away from that “bad boy” syndrome. My first husband was dual addicted and very controlling and I left him for someone who turned out to be even worse. After him, I was alone for five years working 7 days a week to finish my degree. That time alone was good for me; it made it easier to see that no mate is far better than the wrong one. As I wrote before, though, therapy was what helped me the most. The first hurdle for me was getting over the feeling that I wasn’t worth that much effort. Ironically, it was therapy, that I had resisted so long, that helped me get over that feeling, too. My second husband is not perfect, but he loves me and we work things out. I am so sorry to hear how difficult your life has been, but it doesn’t reflect what you deserve. And, again, Dr. Freedenthal might have better advice; I’m just an amateur who’s been through a little of what you have, but nowhere near as severe.
Thank you again Linda for hearing me and being empathetic. I hear what you are saying and agree about the bad boys.
I have been in therapy several times. The last time, my husband went with me. We ended up mostly talking about his problems and I mostly stayed quiet. I was put on medications, and ended up on 19! Every pill gave me a new issue and lead to yet another pill. My health was declining. My weight soured upward which led to more depression and more problems like diabetes, high blood pressure, tardive dyskinesia, parkinsonism, etc.
On December 31st, I woke up, and realized I had lost 3 days. I didn’t feel right. My chest hurt, I was confused, dizzy, and just felt bad. I drove myself to the ER where i was admitted for kidney failure and pneumonia. I spent 16 days in the hospital. After I was released, I started making changes in my life.
I was alone for the first time since I was 19. I flushed every pill in the house. I started cleaning (btw, my husband had left me, he had a lot of health problems, and as a result, we spent 2 years in bed, only going to doctor appts, the ER, and the hospital. He was 15 years my junior, and he passed away this past Feb). The house was mountains of laundry, dust 2 inches thick, absolutely horrible. We smoked heavily and nicotine covered everything. So I started cleaning. I could barely walk, I was weak and overweight and have sciatica.
I started walking, for the first time. If I didn’t want to eat, I didn’t have to cook. I lost 30 lbs very quickly without really trying. Part was due to getting off the pills. I kept walking and eating better and over the year, lost 100 lbs. I was walking 5 miles a day, had energy for days. I couldn’t exercise enough. I taught myself to eat things I never ate, like fruit, lol. I got to a size 00. I felt fierce, and happy for the first time ever. My house was clean, organized, and beautiful. I sold my bedroom furniture I shared with 2 husbands and refurnished it with thrift store items. Everyone who saw my room loved it.
Then, everything turned horrible again, but that’s another story. Id rather end on a pleasant note.
My point here is I don’t need pills. I have discovered they have a paradoxical effect on me. I need good food, a healthy environment, and exercise. Sounds easy, right? But being homeless, doesn’t afford these basic things.
Ive gone on too long here, I apologize. In closing,
I have sought counselling, but with covid-19, I cannot find it. I could use valium, one drug that seems to help. I have constant panic attacks, and anxiety is thru the roof. But I cannot even get a doctor appt, let alone who will prescribe valium to a new patient. You see how long my story is….who is going listen, much less understand?
Thank you again. Im glad you found love.
Annie, How are you posting to this site without a computer? I ask because it occurred to me that there must be ads posted for care-givers with both pay and room and board. Are you able to do a Google search for those sites? Maybe it’s not being a care-giver that gets you in trouble, but picking the wrong people to help, like the wrong men you chose. Don’t get me wrong; I am not blaming you for your situation, just looking for any common element I can find that can be changed. As far as your phobia goes, I completely understand. My bug phobia used to be centipedes but I got over it in a really weird way. From my own experience, I know that my taste in people took a long time to evolve from the self-destructive to something healthier; it’s a symptom all people with abusive and/or negligent upbringing seem to suffer. We’re on the same continuum, but your on a more extreme part of the spectrum. Let me know if I can help search for care-giver listings. Where, generally, are you located, so I don’t find someplace you can’t go to.
Yes I’m in the same boat as you I’ve been beat down all my life and I’m tired .
Don’t you just hate how much shit you go through just to feel okay again.once you finally find yourself and happiness finds you it’s like history repeating itself. But this time you’re the one that’s the fuck up. You’re the one with issues? Every situation dealing with your emotions it’s you turning it around and playing victim? When does it end 28 almost 29 and honestly i am angry that I survived the horrible violence I endured because I now feel like I’m the fuck up in life. maybe it is all my fault maybe if I’d been quiet a little more and turned my cheek things would be a fairytale but reality is just the opposite. I am scared but I’m sick of hurting I’m sick of it being my fault I just want to be happy
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My husband is in the next room, ignoring me as usual. We both work, but I cook, clean, do dishes, etc. He sits and plays video games. He knows I have bad anxiety about money, but will not pay the bills. Every day, I hope I won’t wake up. Some days I think longingly of bridges, car wrecks, etc. The only things stopping me are my cats, and the fact that I would hate to make anyone clean up after my death.
N.A., divorce is a far better option than ending your own life. It sounds to me as if your husband is pretty indifferent to your needs and no one needs to live with that. My gauge for a good marriage is simple: are you both better off together than you’d be apart? If not, can any changes be made? If sounds to me as if he won’t change for the same reason he’s such a bad husband; he’s selfish and lazy and perfectly content to place all the burden of keeping a home and a relationship intact on you. If that’s the case, you’d be better off without him, as now, as he is, he’s just another burden weighing you down. It was a painful decision for me to leave my first husband, as I had all sorts of worries about supporting myself, etc., but, most of all, I hated to think of myself as having failed at my marriage, mostly because that was the pattern my mother set and I wanted to move heaven and earth to avoid her mistakes. Yet, when it was over and the dust had settled, I knew it was the best decision I’d ever made and my life has been 100% better off since. Leave and make a happier life with yourself and your cats; they’re far better companions and, even if it takes awhile, wait and love may come along. I lived alone with my sweet little kitty while I finished my Ph.D. for five years, working 7 days a week. They were hard years, but I did it and grew from it. I guess the bottom line is, it’s clear to me that you don’t need him. If he can’t pull his own weight physically and emotionally, leave him.
I am.in so much emotional loneliness pain , I think I will take my life soon .
the anxiety, the headaches the actual body pains from being so lonely .I have not 1 friend no one to talk to .I have 1 adult child who is so wrapped up in themselves and doesn’t care about me never visits me , gave him everthing all my life .’m not a bad person , I’m kind of nice and I’m polite , i am only in my mid 40s .I just can’t live like this anymore , I have taken 1 sleeping pill so I don’t feel the pain and I’ll be asleep , but I will wake up soon with my heart racing .I am not coping so well today .
I’m very sorry for your pain and loneliness. I also feel both every day. I had a life threatening emergency Saturday night and called two friends, both busy, and texted my daughter 5 times and she didn’t get back to me until the next day. Oh but how they’ll carry on and whine when I’m dead. Too bad they pay no attention to me while I’m still alive. I take Trazadone and muscle relaxers to sleep. I hope every day not to wake up.
To Rachel – No apology is required; I was not in any way offended, just concerned for you. Like I said, anti-depressants can’t change how others in your life act, but I still think they can help you cope better. But, obviously, it is your choice. As to the people you know who’ve had negative responses to anti-depressants, stopping them suddenly without medical support can be dangerous; I get that. As to the other who still ended up committing suicide, clearly the pills aren’t perfect, but you can’t base their value on just two examples out of all the people who take them. A more logical approach might help, by which I mean doing some research in a legitimate source for the statistical studies on anti-depressants. You might be surprised at what you find.
I’ve been on almost all of the SSRIs over the years, and at 62, I’m not sure that any of them ever made me feel great. This morning I woke up again in so much physical nerve pain that, once again, my first thought was “somebody shoot me.” Last week I got six injections in my lower spine, and it feels better right there, but my arms and legs and spine just scream and fight to fill the “pain void” that is left. I live on oxycodone, three doses per day to be productive, and then I cope.
I attempted suicide about a year ago by overdose by oxycodone. I discovered that I have a paradoxical reaction to oxy. After ingesting 120 mg, I settled back for the euphoria and drowsiness, and instead I became wired and stayed up for 14 hours, fidgeting. So semi-synthetic opioids are off of the list. I had always wondered why they didn’t make me drowsy.
Luckily, I would never attempt suicide in a method that would leave a mess, so option are limited. I even wore an adult diaper during my attempt, in case I had an “accident” in death. So I have invented a device that will [kill me].
This could happen tomorrow or never. The knowledge that I have created an option for myself makes it easier to cope. Nobody close to me knows about any of this. They would probably be strongly surprised. I mean, my pain is no secret, just my death wish.
[This comment was edited to abide by the site’s Comments Policy. – SF]
to Linda…I am just checking in on you , I haven’t heard anything from you in a long time , and I am just wondering are you doing ok ?
Rachel
Rachel – Thanks for much for checking on me. I’m fine and have just been super busy with my club stuff and making stuff for Christmas presents. Again, thank you!
Linda..I am very happy to hear you are well , thank you for letting me know
I feel this article hard. I want to be dead. I don’t want to wake up. I want it all to be over. But I have no means to do it. I’ve done research and so many of them end up botched and that is not what I want. I have no support system. No friends and no family. I have a 25 year old paranoid schizophrenic son who hates me and calls me every 6-24 months. The time in between I worry like crazy. My anxiety for him is through the roof. I have been to therapy for almost 3 years but I need more help and my therapist has accepted another job so I’m limited to 45 minutes per week. She is wonderful and I need more of her and that’s not going to happen. I’m on anti-depressants but I do not know of a pill that makes your family ignore and basically forget you. I have an adult daughter in another state but besides knowing how very unhappy I am doesn’t seem to have the time or any compassion for me. She has done a lot more to people she knows in this new state for a year or so than me, her own mother. I grew up in an era where you helped your family. Now I’m in one that you dump your family. It hurts. It’s incredibly painful. I sleep 16-18 hours a day because being awake is just too painful.
you are not alone , because I feel the same , my only adult child met someone and doesn’t care less about me , we use to be very close as we only ever had each other , I have no other family , my heart is broken .I don’t have 1 friend , I feel I don’t fit in to society.
I think about taking my life nearly every day , but I am too scared as what happens then ? are we left some where in misery for eternity.
I visited my doctor today who suggested anti depressants but like you said a pill is not going to change anything .
I think we need to put our faith in god and pray for hope , where there’s life ..there’s always hope .
Rachel, I feel that it’s all very well and good to have faith, but anti-depressants can, in fact, help. Think of it this way: our moods are affected by everything, not just what happens outside in our lives, but what happens inside our bodies, as well, including the natural chemicals in our blood that circulate through our brains. If you had diabetes, I don’t think you’d refuse insulin to keep you alive and healthy. I think of anti-depressants the same way. They can help lift your mood by adjusting your body’s and your mind’s chemistry. So, in fact, you might reconsider your claim that “a pill is not going to change anything.” It might not make your daughter kinder or closer, but it can help you to deal with it without wanting to die.
Wouldn’t it be nice, if all the lonely people like us could get together. And if anyone got along with someone you could move in together to help each other through this.
Anti-depressants aren’t helpful for people like us. We crave the love and friendship we once had. We grieve it now that it’s gone. There is no pill that will make that sort of pain go away.
I’m sorry about your daughter. I know how you feel. It’s incredibly painful.
in response to Linda.
my Apologies, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I was claiming a pill doesn’t fix a chemical imbalance in your brain.
I just don’t think they are for me , I am hurting from the people I have lost .
I know two people who took anti despresents, 1 walks around like a zombie and the other person killed herself after she tried giving them up herself , so I guess I’m scared of them .
maybe 1 day I will need to take them but I’m hoping to get strenght to find a different way .I’m in my mid 40s and I feel like it’s harder to make friends , every1 is settled down with their family’s and feel odd about being alone no partner etc .i find middle age a bit daunting .
i’m lucky I have a nice home and a job and I am going to try be more positive.
Again my Apologies about my”claim “of antidepressants, I didn’t mean any offence.
I don’t understand how this site works. I cannot find a reply button always but Rachel, I hope this finds you. Thank you so much for your wonderfully kind words.
I feel like i write books here, and Its probably way to long and boring for people to get thru. Exchanging email addresses sounds great, but believe its against this sites policies.
I pray every night not to wake up. I secretly hope I get covid and die. But I WILL NOT contact the suicide line. They send the police and haul you to the psych ward which is locking you up, ignoring you, giving you crayons and scrap paper and then give you a hearing after 5 mns or less with a doc. It makes you feel crazy, alone, uncared for and more hopeless.
I made the mistake of taking ativan at the hospital, thinking it would keep me calm. It had a paradoxical effect on me and made me MAD! Totally not my personality. Prozac made me want to kill people, seriously.
Antidepressants can help, if you get one that actually works for you. Sometimes it can take months of switching meds and still may not find one that actually works, it can make things worse.
Not having met you, I have no idea what kind of dietary habits you have.
Sometimes, a new diet can help with mood. Getting 20 minutes of sun every day is essential. It sounds odd, but walking barefoot in grass, (soil) sand, and even ocean water, can also help. For stress and anxiety, yoga, or tai chi are amazing. Simple stretching can be like giving yourself a massage. Talk to your doctor. Do some research. There are books about foods that heal. Most of all, treat yourself. Buy some flowers, candles, create a happy place in your home.
I got off pills in 2012. I changed my diet, got exercise, and as horrible as my life has been since, this is the first time i have felt the need for help. I am working to take my own advice, to lift myself out of “hell” and keep surviving.
I am 16 but because of my fat body I look like 22.(80kgs) My aunt teases me for being like this. My real parents and my siblings are not with me with whom I can spend time with.my cousins, elder than me who bully me and make fun of me for not being pretty, it hurts so bad I wish I was not with them right.
I am that much good at studies as an average student must be, and all of my teachers only praise those who brought 90%+ marks in their board 10th grade exams. I feel jealous and useless. And this quarantine sucks so bad that I can’t talk to my friends. Being an extrovert I want to socialise so bad but aunt and uncle won’t let me. I m using my iPad, that does not have a SIM card.And this makes me feel like the most unluckiest girl, cuz all of my friends have their own phones, parents, siblings, and many more stuff that I don’t have. So I actually thought of a plan when I’ll pass 12th grade, I’ll kill myself.
I feel a little lighter to share my feelings on this site but there are still a lot of things that terrifies me and make me suffer to bang my head in the wall or slap my own face 15 times on both sides for finding myself guilty for being alive and being a burden to everyone I know.
Sonu, your words are so very painful to read. How sad to be in so much pain, to hurt yourself out of guilt, and to feel so alone. You are not alone. There are others who can understand the pain you’re in and who can help you to feel differently about yourself and life. They may be professionals, friends, friends’ parents, some of your own family, teachers, hotline workers, people in your religion, somebody else. They are out there and I hope you will find them. I gather you’re not in the U.S. so I don’t know what resources are available to you. If you see this, please leave a comment saying what country you’re in, and I’ll see what’s available. You could email jo@Samaritans.org, to start.
Thanks for sharing here and for giving yourself the chance to be heard and helped.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts since age 7 (approx). I hated myself for being “stupid”, “ugly”, pathetic, or whatever. At age 16, I attempted suicide. I contemplated how to do it for a long time. My parents were renting a house at the time, so any large amount of blood would have been a burden for them. I decided to hang myself one night. My bedroom closet had a solid piece of wood that would support my weight. I had a piece of rope and began tying the knot. I had thought about killing myself for a long time, once I started putting my plan into action, I was on my way. I was taking matters into my own hands and it would be all over. My feelings of self loathing, pain, etc. were ending. The only problem was that I realized that I felt good as I was tying the noose. I stopped and decided that no one could ever hurt me as much as I was willing to hurt myself. Perhaps I got some strength from that thought. At any rate, it was enough to stick around for a while longer.
Later in life, I attempted suicide around the age of 19 by driving recklessly (100+ mph through intersections and almost driving into bridges or telephone poles). Those days in college were dark, but I always found a way to move forward.
Good days followed. But, the extreme stress of my career eventually led me to contemplate suicide again. Several more attempts followed. Perhaps as a “comfort blanket” or a stress reliever. Getting drunk and sitting outside in freezing temperature. Contemplating a bullet on a lake shore. Driving into a bridge.
At any rate, I’m still here.
I don’t feel much any more. I’m moving forward. I’ve come to realize that my suicidal thoughts are a coping mechanism for the extremely stressful situations I seem to find myself in. Unfortunately, one day may find myself in a situation where I will pull the ripcord on my parachute. I will finally find peace.
I am in my 60’s. Suffered trauma 3 years ago. Up until then I was quite ‘normal’….I was then diagnosed with an autoimmune disease that will probably limit my lifespan. Only benzos stop the ‘thoughts’ of self harm. I know they are addictive, however, since my time is limited anyways, I am going to ask my dr to put me on a steady regimen…whether he will or not I do not know. I cannot go on ‘living’ like this.
im 25 y/r now. I dont have people that i trust. So i dont know if anyone read this… My situation is i am about to get marry and then that guy cheating on me.. I didnt do anything wrong why would he do that… He always said that i am fat but at the same time he said he’s in love with me even my body like this . so put trust on him but im the only one that hurt so bad… My relation with his famly r so close… I am happy to become one of their life but He change so quick .. He start to say he busy n all that stuff.. Well maybe im not good enough. I dont have a job, im not good looking, im terrible at cooking and i am FAT?. Me(67kg) Him (46kg)… we fall in love since highschool like 8 years already.. Then everyone know that we r going to get marry and STILL he choose someone else.
It’s been a month it happened so i am calm of my self already but NOT SINGLE ONE OF HIS FAMILY contact me and say sorry about what happen. They ignore me like im piece of trash. That Hurt So Bad .. It So hurt like a big heavy stone hit my heart deep inside. So hurt that i wish i could jump from this high building so that the stone will break and everything will gone. These thing still in mind like dragon try to eat my brain and i fell so damn empty. I try to talk to my friend but everyone was busy with work now these day..
I have no one to rely on.. even my family still blame me cause it all my fault. But i didnt do anything wrong what did i do wrong…..
ND,
Your situation sounds so very painful. Are you thinking this pain will last forever or do you have hope that, in time, the hurt will lessen and new people and events in your life will bring you the love and happiness you deserve? A little bit of hope can go a long way.
Please check out the resources page at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp for places where you can talk with someone by phone, chat or email.
Thanks for sharing here.
Hi ND, this must hurt like crazy, and not finding any support is even worse. I am not sure if what I am going to say makes any sense, but you are the one that should be getting some congratulations for remaining faithful the them. That is a virtue of relationships that you should not give up, especially in future relationships. Well done.
The other thing is, time has actually revealed something quite important, and although it may not feel that way at the moment, at the right time. Imagine if things had gone on and you marry and he still starts to cheat on you. Or after there are some children from the relationship. Your heartbreak may be worse then.
You are still young and beautiful – some people may be blind to your beauty, don’t mind them, the right ones will come around. And beauty is not what matters in marriage but character. What good is a fighting and cursing beauty? That is harder to see until you are in it.
There is a lot you can do for yourself to change the things you don’t feel great about. Learn to cook on youtube – and you can tone and lose any weight you do not want with all the available methods, one of the best being healthier food. My personal recommendation is veggies and if you can handle it, a meal that is only salad only for lunch or dinner. Go for job skill and job hunting classes or by learning from online.
Do not accept that you are not good enough. Perhaps in someone’s opinion, but who said they were right? If you will allow the faith approach – God our maker’s word says you are wonderfully made – Psa 139:14 I will praise thee; for I am fearfully and wonderfully made: marvellous are thy works; and that my soul knoweth right well. Speaking of God, He loves you!! So much that He paid dearly for the possibility that you would respond to His great love. His is a love that will never dissapoint.
I’m currently feeling suicidal, have been many times throughout my life and have made a few attempts, two serious one’s. I’m diagnosed as borderline (BPD) and it seems I’m beyond the help of therapy (which I had a shot at recently and failed to complete due to Covid and lack of trust in the therapist & myself). I feel and have always felt it’s my path to go this way, that when I do die whether it be tonight or in twenty years time it will be by my own hands. I’m alone, severely depressed and scared. It’s my own fault that I’m alone, I wouldn’t want to be around me given a choice. I feel all the cliche statements like ‘this too will pass’ blah blah don’t apply to me. I feel that this time I really have to succeed, I’ve exhausted the help and patience of everyone who have previously tried to help and truly hate myself and life in equal measure. I’ve even been ditched by the mental health team who were supporting me….for not getting better!! I’m a lost cause 🙁 I’ve no idea why I’m making comment here, perhaps to express to the whole world that I’m a piece of crap & fully deserve to go
G,
Oh, that’s so painful. There are many forms of help and helpers. I hope you’ll try another therapist, or a support group (online or in person), or something else that might give you a sense of connection and hope. Facebook has groups for people with borderline personality disorder, such as Life With Borderline Personality Disorder, Understanding Borderline Personality Disorder, and Borderline Personality Disorder Support. (More, too – just do a search for “borderline personality disorder.”) There’s a chat room at chronicsuicidesupport.com for people with longstanding suicidal thoughts.
Thanks for sharing here. I hope you are able to find help for you depression, fear, and sense of being a “piece of crap.” You deserve to feel better!
Hi G, I’m so sorry to hear of how you feel and how so many things have not worked for you, leaving you feeling like all hope is lost. I would like to side with the part of you that wrote the entry here – that perhaps there is still still hope. Something that can break the grip of this emptiness and hopelessness. I would like to suggest a book titled ‘Final Curtain’ by Ray Comfort. Its on amazon as an ebook for like 4 bucks – if there was a way to get you a copy, I would be willing to pay for it, but I think this site doesn’t allow sharing PII (personally identifiable info). If you can read it with an open mind then decide if you agree or disagree, I think it would be a great help.
Ever since my parents started getting older I’ve been afraid of outliving them and being left alone by myself for decades living a pointless existence without the people I love. I didn’t want to kill myself outright because I thought that would be cowardly and cause my mom and dad great pain. So I started indulging in eating very unhealthily and tried to lower my lifespan to try to match up to around when my parents may pass away. I just didn’t want to live without them. I just wanted to have a stroke or heart attack and die “naturally.” My plan has completely failed. Mom passed away earlier this year and I’m still on this miserable planet without her 6 months later. I wish that heart attack or stroke took me like I planned earlier. It can come anytime as far as I’m concerned. It just hurts even worse than before without my mom. God I hate living so much. Mom was the only reason I was even remotely happy. Getting to see her every day. Watch TV with her. Eat her cooking. Hear her voice and all the funny and silly things she would say and talk about. Death can’t come quick enough. Don’t worry, I will never kill myself directly. But I hope that next cheeseburger I eat is the final nail in the coffin.
L,
I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly. Grief is so very painful. There are grief support groups that can help, as well as therapists and mental health agencies. If you’re in the U.S., you can call the SAMHSA National Helpline at 1-800-662-4357 (HELP) to learn of resources in your area. If you want to talk about your suicidal thoughts, the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 (TALK) is always available, as is the Crisis Textline at 741741.
Thanks for sharing here.
I never heard of passive suicidal term. What about if I want to die but I don’t want my children to suffer because of me and that makes
Me feel resentful? Why can I just end it all?
What if it’s true. What if I really am worthless. What if I don’t want to be talked out of it. What if I have no friends to talk to. What if no one cares at all. What if
I feel exactly the same way. I don’t want to be talked out of it. It is not a transitory state for me. My desire to end my pain, for which I take full responsibility, is overwhelming. There must be a peaceful way to end things. There must be a choice. Living with the intense and constant desire to end things is unbearable. No more talk. No more meds. I doubt this will get published, as it is an honest representation of how some people feel, day after day, month after month.
I feel the same. I have no one to talk to. My family doesn’t want to hear it. I just don’t want to be here anymore.
You must be in a lot of pain. I’m sorry. Since counseling isn’t provided on this site, I hope you’ll reach out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 (TALK) or the Crisis Text Line at 741741.
Share your feelings with one another. Your loved one may ask you to keep what they share with you to yourself and not tell anyone. But when it comes to suicide warning signs, not only is that ask not fair to you, but it may be in their best interest to involve others if needed. Use your best judgment, and make your loved one s health and safety your first priority. While most people who attempt suicide do show some sort of warning signs, there are also those people who, because of social stigma or a desire to not appear weak, will successfully hide what they are feeling. If you fail to recognize that your loved one is considering or considered suicide, do not blame yourself. Remember that you did the best you could with the information you had.
Can’t think of a better time than now when this topic is more relevant!!
exactly..people can figure out if they really want to die or not ..a real wake up call
On the contrary, people can realize that this is a storm waiting to happen for a long time due to humanity’s persistent denial of death. We had/have the option of exiting peacefully and on our own terms but between then lockdowns and unavailability of medical practitioners for many services, let alone assisted suicide, our choices are running thin. The know-it-all elites insisted that there is some kind of badge of honor in going out kicking and screaming or at least some “natural” way that entails some kind of prideful suffering. But I have a sneaky feeling the pro-lifers are gonna be eating their words when the pain kicks in. It’s just unfortunate that those who aren’t in an an unwinnable war with death will have to suffer because of their foolish and arrogant neighbors.
Not sure what you’re saying here that hasn’t already been said ad nauseam– talk to someone, “get help.” These are very weak, feminine approaches towards something that needs to be addressed with a “fix it this way” plan. Questions like “what can make you feel like living” is a start. Developing a plan around that answer is a step after that. Pulling resources to help the afflicted is a step after that.
Ya mind not describing stuff like this as feminine? Emotions aren’t feminine, they’re human.
I sure appreciate this site. Thank you!
I’ve always been depressed, even as a kid there was nothing I really enjoyed, the concept of enjoying anything in life is beyond me. It was all just ok, nothing was terrible (until a bit later), school was ok, friends were ok, I wasn’t bullied or anything I just didn’t like anything. We’d go on holiday and I’d spend most of the time in the car asleep-always slept a lot, I get around 10-12hrs sleep usually and spend even longer than that in bed. I hated myself for it but I just didn’t want to do anything else and didn’t like being me.
First time I thought about suicide I must’ve been about 12-I just hated having to be on this planet. Life got MUCH worse for me with various terrible things that happened (my dads death and other stuff) and I’ve seen some horrific suffering that is so hard to deal with, but I realised finally that if all that stuff hadn’t have happened I’d still be the same, still wouldn’t have done anything, still would hate being alive because I’ve felt like this since I was practically born. I don’t know how close I ever came to committing suicide as I’m still here-I just don’t want to mess it up and have it not work I guess.
I just wish so badly I had never been born, and decided never to have kids of my own-which is another reason to be depressed, not because I want them but because in a world like this we celebrate motherhood (even though by creating life, those are the people who have collectively created ALL suffering!) and as I move towards 40 I’ll be even more ignored and more of a freak and useless because as a woman I didn’t breed. But I’ll be glad none of my kids will ever have to go through life and feel the way I do so there is some comfort in that.
It is nice to know that I am not the only person in the world who has felt since I could remember that I just didn’t want to live. Thanks for sharing.
Yep, I was lying in bed every night hoping that I wouldn’t wake up in the morning before I was old enough to know what death was.
This is a very good article and addresses how a person can become suicidal without even realizing it. The thought of wanting to die, whether intentional or not, can gradually, perhaps over years, lead to more active thinking or planning of suicide. At least, this was my case. For decades I experienced the thinking or wishing that I was dead. It led to a dangerous, hi risk career and beyond. You see, as we think such thoughts, we create neuro pathways by which the thoughts can travel more freely. Suddenly we find reasons we should die, then the thoughts ” I would kill myself before I did…” After decades of these thoughts and another string of unfortunate events, more traumas, the part of my mind that was convinced I had to die was stronger than me and the other part of my mind was oblivious and did not understand why. After all the therapy and personal work, it was only by reading my anti suicide affirmations and confronting each passive or active suicidal thought, that I was finally able to stop them and find peace.
Kathy, First of all, thank you for asking my opinion of this internet article. I’m flattered to be included in this request along with Dr. Stacey Freedenthal, a professional I have enormous respect for.
Secondly, I’m sorry it’s taken awhile to respond. While psychology is Dr. Freedenthal’s field of expertise and not mine, I’m using my own experience as a retired professor of rhetoric, persuasive writing and logical fallacies to critique Sarah Knutson’s article. As such, I wanted to read it over carefully more than once, while making note of both positive and negative aspects of her argument.
To start with some positive notes, she does use some good sources and in a relevant way, rather than taking them out of context as some do. At least, that’s true at the beginning of her argument, but the reliable use of sources breaks down over the course of the argument. Her organization is, overall, pretty good and she makes some valid points on the amount of cultural stress we endure and its effects on us, but there are warning signs from the very opening lines that logic is not going to be this article’s strong suit.
For one thing, I am always leery of a writer leaning too heavily on personal feelings as a guide to her own behavior and as an analytical tool for the feelings and behavior of others. This leads to a closed-in, solipsistic world-view that becomes impenetrable to reason. Knutson dresses it up in some suspect language that seems to be sophisticated but, on closer examination, is more baffling than enlightening, such as her criticism of the “iatrogenic psychiatry-Pharma alliance.” At the very least, jargon not known to the generally well-educated public needs to be explained to truly support an argument. More on that later, as well.
To get back to my original logical analysis, I find numerous over-generalizations, such as “modern society,” or “everyone else is coping”; leaping to conclusions, as in claiming, without evidence, that stress and illness are causal and not “mere statistical correlation”; oversimplification, as in attributing sufficient cause to something that may be just a contributing cause, such as cultural stress; a combination of oversimplification and confirmation bias in seeing the “global village” as just adding to her stress with no possibility of ever helping her. She’s not alone in this, however. It occurs to me that social critics tend to focus only on the negative aspects of the “global village” social media create. However, people can also find support, comfort and even badly needed funding, through social media. It occurs to me that much of this dismissive attitude actual grows from the ease with which these media are accessed and used. The same criticism arose with the advent of home computers. Before that, it was typewriters replacing hand-written letters. While I never read any claims that hand-written love letters sent through the mail only created a false sense of friendship, I do read that about connections made through social media. Hand-written letters are, therefore, legitimate, but messages of love and support typed on a laptop and launched on Facebook, e.g., are dismissed as fake. If ease of use is our only criterion, we should all be writing with quill pens we sharpened ourselves and ink we created by mixing soot and olive oil. And the letters should be sent by Pony Express. But I digress.
About three quarters into the article, there’s also a switch in person from third to second, as if we are all her fellow victims. Later, that turns into the accusation that we are also part of the conspiracy victimizing her. When she accuses social media and other forms of information of “rubbing our noses” in our social inferiority, it’s become both personal and, seemingly, intentional. It’s also extremely personal when everyone we encounter is playing the same “zero sum” game of competition for status.
It’s always interesting to me when people use the term “zero sum,” mostly because they almost invariably get it wrong, conflating zero-sum with all competition. Her language on the way we compare ourselves with others is a good example of this misuse. For instance, if there are so many ways we automatically compare ourselves with others, as she points out, there must also be some aspects in which we “win,” and others in which they win. That is not zero-sum. She also creates a false dilemma – either I diminish you or you diminish me – by claiming that making a loser of everyone else is the only way to “maintain [an] illusion of superiority.” Hard work, achievement and helping others have always given my self-esteem a boost, without any such illusion, and not at the cost of anyone else’s self-esteem.
Which brings me to my final point: her argument really comes off the rails when she seems to argue that no one has good intentions – that no one sincerely wants to help her. Even therapists are just playing the zero-sum game and pretending to help just to feel better about themselves, as are her friends and family. It’s pretty damning that she dismisses even a therapist’s diagnosis as simply “following orders as part of the ‘iatrogenic psychiatry-Pharma alliance.’” The article’s conflating psychiatrists with all therapists in this alliance is another over-generalization, since only psychiatrists can even prescribe meds.
Finally, she dismisses “mainstream medicine,” and has, thus, left herself no recourse, no source of comfort, and no genuine place to get help. I’m also confused by her claims that others manage the stress better because she has the “gift” of seeing the problem better than the rest of us. Or maybe we don’t manage it better, but are all dying of it, just at different speeds. Even friends offering the advice that she see a therapist are her enemies who only do so to make her feel worse. The argument dismisses the very idea of good intentions, claiming that others pretend to help with the over-riding purpose of making her feel more isolated. They do so just to make themselves feel better and to elevate themselves above her, she claims. Therapists, by the way, all play the same game. And, again, the fact that she feels that way is taken as gospel; if she feels that no one sincerely wants to help, then it must be true, from her skewed point of view. Her argument that no one is even capable of being well-intended, is both inaccurate and sad. Based on this logic, she blames family, friends and therapists for her feeling diminished and isolated. While she does make some valuable points about the cultural stresses we face, she neglects to find any way to resist or counteract them. She promises to explore such resistance in a later article, but that statement doesn’t fill me with hope.
It seems to me that she has managed to diminish, isolate and trap herself. Her repeated use of such false analogies as “predator,” and its derivatives (I stopped counting at ten), and “stalked,” for all marketers, politicians and, apparently, therapists, e.g., is a good example of how we can trap ourselves with our own vocabularies. She’s used words to paint herself into a metaphorical corner and has convinced herself that she can’t be rescued. By the end, this is not so much an argument as a rant.
There’s more to my original notes, but I’ve gone on quite long enough.
Did you see this piece last week at Aeon website? I thought it was a very good article all around.
https://aeon.co/essays/the-voice-of-sadness-is-censored-as-sick-what-if-its-sane
I’m not so keen on giving depressive episodes a greater credit than they deserve on the ability to represent reality in a less biased way. Depression can also give an exaggeratedly negative representation of the self and reality. The sense of profound worthlessness — physical and intellectual — that may stem from an depressive bout and a complete irreal representation of the world is as biased as optimistic and positive thinking. Other than that, the article seems spot on. I also love her sources and citations.
This work in particular seems very interesting:
>”Alice Holzhey-Kunz, a modern, existentially oriented Swiss psychoanalyst, turns to Heidegger’s distinction between authentic and non-authentic forms of living. She claims that mental suffering signifies a disillusioning confrontation with the reality of existence. In that sense, depression is not so much a disorder as a disillusioning explosion of the nothingness of human existence. In this context, a cheerier form of what we might call ‘inauthentic living’ would hardly be a pathology since it counters acute existential awareness with everyday tasks and oblivion in the commonness”
Also, the final bit is excellent:
>”In closing, I must address you, my dear reader. I realise that, as you were reading this essay, you must have experienced a ‘yes, but…’ reaction. (‘Yes, life is horrible, but there are so many good things too.’) This ‘but’ is an automatic response to negative, horrifying insights. Once exposed to these forces, our positive defence mechanisms kick in. I myself was caught in the drill while writing this essay (and pretty much during the rest of my life). Without this protective measure, we would all probably be dead already, having most likely succumbed to suicide for relief”.
Linda:
I read this on a University website last week.
“Becoming aware of privilege should not be viewed as a burden or source of guilt, but rather, an opportunity to learn and be responsible so that we may work toward a more just and inclusive world”
Check your privilege:
—White
—Male
—Class
—Christian
—Cisgender
—Able-bodied
—Heterosexual
———————————-
Here is my question:
Why is being ‘intelligent’ never included in a list of unearned privileges?
Shouldn’t high IQ people give humble thanks every morning for their completely unearned gift?
Emily
Emily, I absolutely agree! While making the most of your intelligence may be partly your choice, the potential you’re born with is absolutely the luck of the draw. My parents were dismally unprepared to be good parents, yet they were smart, and that meant they gave me their inheritable, decent IQ. When this unearned privilege is acknowledged, it will stop being OK to condemn those less gifted as “stupid,” “dumb,” etc. Thanks for making this excellent point!
Dr. Prashant Gajwani, MD, says that the sleep-wake cycle becomes disturbed in people who suffer from depression and that the irregularity can actually exacerbate depression. If you’re sleeping too much or not enough, depression might be the culprit. It’s good to try to limit yourself to eight hours per night, as well as doing things to encourage sleeping eight hours if you’re experiencing insomnia. Nancy Virden, mental health advocate and a suicide-attempt survivor, shared her story with me. She said, “In January 2011, I tried to end my life. One might think I would have known how to manage my major depression since it is recurrent, however many signs went past my observation.” She details her dark journey by identifying the multiple stressors that started a year earlier: a move, surgery, major life events. She went off her meds eight months before her attempt, and a few weeks before her attempt, she was reckless and suffering major mental torment. Virden has gone on to help many others identify the signs of depression and live to fight another day.
Yes, I often feel that way, but would not commit suicide because it would destroy my family
Elizabeth,
I’m sorry you often feel that way but glad to hear that you have an important reason for living. By far, concerns for family are one fo the most common reasons why people do not act on their desire to die; I write about other reasons in my article “What Are Your Reasons for Living?”
Are you getting help? For starters, you could call the National Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text “start” to 741741.
Stacy and Linda,
I would appreciate it if you could comment on this informative article
The Appeal of Suicide in a Modern World
https://www.madinamerica.com/2020/01/stress-abandoned-predation-suicide-modern-world/
Thanks,
Cathy
I’ve tried psychotherapy but have never lasted more than 3 sessions. Tried all kinds of medications but none work because I am convinced that my abject ideas that life’s only purpose is the replication & preservation of itself, just because it can; that not just our individual existences but our whole existence as a species and in fact the whole history of life itself will one day be in any case utterly erased as even the Earth and the Cosmos will end, and is therefore utterly meaningless in any kind of transcendental sense, and so on and forth, are actually an honest description of reality which leaves me in a perpetual state of chronic depression. Psychotherapy and antidepressants therefore, have nothing to offer me because I truly believe that’s just how reality is. I’ve tried art, philosophy, music, religion and drugs as sublimating tools but nothing really satisfies. Yes, I know we can create our own meaning and marvel at the awe and wonder and beauty of the universe and find solace in love & companionship, but these things just don’t work for me.
Reflexive self-consciousness is as much a curse as a blessing because it allows us to become aware of the nothingness that haunts us everywhere we go. It’s like this deep-seated sense of disappointment and sadness that I have decided is just part of my constitution. I am an extremely pessimistic introvert.
Needless to say, with such an outlook, not many people hang around me for long. The only thing that saves me, keeps me going day to day are my pets. Without the animals whom I care for & love, I wouldn’t be here. Since I adopted my first cat, I stopped thinking about suicide even though I was just as depressed. I couldn’t bear to even think about leaving this creature, who loved me totally unconditionally, behind. I am totally dependent on them just as much as they on me. It’s the one thing that makes me want to, obliges me actually, to keep going.
You have to find something, some creature to care for or despair will just eat you alive.
I recommend this article on Depressive Realism
https://aeon.co/essays/the-voice-of-sadness-is-censored-as-sick-what-if-its-sane
Bertrand – You seem to be stuck in that state that the poet Wallace Stevens labeled “the shaken realist,” as in Modernist novelists and poets suffered the loss of faith that followed the horrendous destruction of the so-called Great War. Yet, Modernism gradually made way for Postmodernism, which I always took as, at least in part, a sign that humanity could move on, accepting the fact that life could have meaning, even if not the transcendent, eternal meaning that religions’ gods had promised. The fact that life ends does not, for me, make it worth any less, since I am not Wallace’s shaken realist; I was born a realist and have adapted to the clear and present knowledge that this life is all there is for me. You’re in a hard place, and getting unstuck is going to be hard, as well. But I believe you can do it. One thing that has helped me, because I have had my struggles with suicidal thoughts in the past, is to listen to the troubles of others. I’ve become the “ear” my friends pour their troubles into and the “shoulder” they can cry on. My reputation is one of absolute integrity when it comes to that and people know they can trust me to keep their confidences confidential. It’s not perfect and it’s not easy and I still cry at the drop of a hat, but, still, it helps me to realize that others have troubles, too.
I honestly don’t know if any of this is helpful to you. I just hope so. You may not have people in your life that care about you, but there are people on this site who do and care to answer your post. That’s not everything, but it’s not nothing, either. As to your physical pain, please don’t give up the search for some way to ease it or to cope with it That may actually be the root of your depression and finding at least partial release for that might go a long way to helping you with the rest. Don’t give up hope, please.
Bertrand, I am responding your post from January 0f 10th 2020 so I”m not sure you or the Doctor will get this.
What if a car accident that took your beloved dog & nearly myself was so painful & (now) LONELY that you don’t want to live anymore? No family, no friends, just my baby (dog) who was cruelly taken from me while I, unfortunately, survived with a broken body & a broken heart?
Interesting topic and I’m sure it will become a long and interesting conversation like your most famous one….I’m sure you know which one I’m talking about 🙂 You may even recognize my name.
Back to the topic at hand, my ex fit into this category to the T while I’m at the opposite end. Back in the day she overdosed a couple times on Valium just wanting to sleep for a few days. She never wanted to kill herself and ironically has a phobia about death but would have loved to go to sleep and never wake up.
Essentially they are exactly the same…your conscious mind is dead forever. But of course being intelligent humans we can differentiate between the two states.
In that respect I am a little surprised that the death rate between the two trains of thought are close to the same. I’ve tried to end my life (and sadly failed but that’s just a matter of time) while those (from my experience) who want to just sleep forever still want to live and don’t do things that are as drastic as putting on 12 fentanyl patches for example haha.
I find this interesting and will follow the remarks.
Thanks for keeping the other thread open (I hope it still is) and while we don’t always agree on things I respect what you are doing.
Nodscene,
Thank you for your comment and your words of respect at the end. I do remember you, and yes, the post you refer to is still up — and has more than 1,000 comments!
Sounds like you are still in a great deal of pain, and I’m sorry to hear that. If you do want to use any of the resources I list on the site, please check them out.
Welcome back! 🙂
Hi. How can I deal with the guilt of making my love feel hurt, sad, sleepless and hating me?
We both are passive or active suicidal, I once (in another relationship) took pills to not wake up for days, and wanting to end it, and my love, who is younger and suffered OCD before, has also attempted suicide, but decided at the last moment not to, because of pride and principles.
A month ago he left me, broke up with me, blocked me everywhere, is feeling sad and isolated, went from loving to hating me for making him fall in love and investing life in me.
I feel so guilty, so unable to help when I’m despaired too, but I’m stronger than him and more resilient. I’m sorry I couldn’t keep the non contact rule after he left me, I begged and cried and begged him over and over to come back and forgive me, but nothing changed, except that I pushed him more away, and made him write me terrible things, like I’m making him die, I used him, I destroyed his life, he hates me more than anyone else, ane himself too for falling for me. He’s suffering for not being able to undo the last year’s events with me…
I wanted to die after each word he says of not being well, I want to die and I’m going to take the right amount of pills this time, if anything happens to him.
We both can’t open up to anyone we know about our story.
I feel hopeless of having him back, but this is not important, I want him to be well.
I decided finally to not try to contact him, but at the same time I’m so worried about him all the time.
i really want to end my life i am a worthless piece of garbage doesn’t deserve a life everyone i know has said the same about me and i dont want no GOD IS WITH US BULLSHIT because he is not god left us 5 sextatrillion years ago or some shit like that he gave us free will just to make people feel like trash and want to *shut down* if god could see us now he would kill us all and he wont be making another flood cos if someone was asked to build a boat they would just say f*** off animals woudnt come 2 by 2 they woudnt come cos the stupid worthless humans would have killed them all. why am i so pathetic idiotic stupid i dont understand i hate humans 🙁
Not a fan of religion then…..
Dear Stacey, Thank you so much for that informative and somewhat alarming message. I find it alarming to learn that even passive suicidal ideation is a danger sign, since I do, on occasion, have such thoughts. Since I’ve been through some rough times, but am fine now, I always chalked those thoughts up to nothing more than a bad habit acquired through those rough times. Does that still put me on your continuum? I’d be interested in doing some follow-up reading on the research you cited. Can you give us any links to such research? Thanks for caring and for this invaluable website.
Linda,
Thank you for your comment. I always appreciate your participation on the site.
The articles I mentioned in the post have hyperlinks that lead to them. Some other resources around passive suicidal ideation are:
Let’s Talk About the Difference Between Passive and Active Suicidal Thoughts, by Arya Grace with themighty.com.
The Sad Truth about Passive Suicidal Thoughts and Actions, by Shirley J. Davis with thriveglobal.com.
Yes, I am Suicidal. No, I am Not Going to Kill Myself, on supportiv.com.
I want to assure you that passive suicidal thoughts don’t mean you’re at high risk for suicide, just higher than normal risk. The risk for suicide is quite low. Even among people who seriously consider suicide, roughly only 0.45% — half of a percent — die by suicide. In any given year, roughly 0.02% of the U.S. population dies by suicide. So you can see that the suicide rate is 20 times higher for people who seriously consider suicide, but it’s still extremely low.
The important thing is that when you have thoughts that you wish you were dead, it signifies that you’re hurting or otherwise experiencing great difficulty. It would be good to recognize those thoughts as a sign to attend to yourself and your needs (which might mean getting help from others, too). The analogy of a fever is an apt one: When we have a fever, we know not to push ourselves and, instead, to rest.
And yes, thoughts can become a habit. Imagining oneself dead can give a person relief if they’re suffering. Their suffering would end. If you felt relief when you had such thoughts, the relief was a reward. Your mind wants to feel better, so it will turn to that reward again … and again.
Depending how much of a habit has developed, it can be very hard to eliminate such thoughts. In fact, trying to eliminate them can create problems; think of the phrase, “What we resist, persists.” But now the resistance the failure to eliminate the thoughts cause new anxiety. A more constructive approach is mindful observation, which I describe in my post Like Clouds Before the Sun: Mindfulness and Suicidal Thoughts.
Whatever the case, Linda, please take care! 🙂
Stacey, Thank you so much for your personal and detailed response. It is a relief to know that the specific statistics on the results of passive suicidal thoughts are so low. Like most, I guess, I tend to read “higher than normal” as more dire than it is, since “higher than normal” can be by a small margin of an already small percentage. It’s also rather amusing, in an ironic way, to know that such thoughts can persist because they’re rewarding. Thank you, too, for this invaluable site. Your caring is truly wonderful.
Thank you, Linda! I very much appreciate the feedback.
Yes.. I want to die.. and it should be my right. I have severe hip pain that wont go away… I need hip replacement and cant afford it. I have Meniere’s Ear Disease.. causing me to lose my hearing.. to have severe vertigo and vomiting.. and there is nothing they can do about it.. without my hearing I cannot work.. without work I will be homeless. I’m 57.. I’m ready to end my life.. I have no family.. I’ve already out lived them all including my sister that died at 38.. I have no wife.. no children.. I live in poverty. My life is over.. my health will do nothing but get worse as I get older. I will leave nobody behind to mourn.. nobody. No close friends.. nothing.
this is really sad , is there any friend who could help you , you are welcome to have my email address if you want to private chat .I care ….
Frankie,
What you’re facing sounds so painful and overwhelming. It sounds like you have nobody to talk to about your mental suffering, and you don’t mention receiving any help for it. I hope you will consider calling the National Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or texting “start” to 741741, so you can at least vent to someone. I list other resources, as well, at speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I love you.
yup
i know exactly how you feel. I am 85, good health but outlived all my relatives and friends. my neighbors look at me as if I am invisible. nobody really wants to associate with old folks and an opinion to the contrary is ridiculous. If you are an ordinary person with many ailments, you won’t get the help you need. No fooling. I have seen it during my lifetime. I feel sorry for you and wish I could be of help, but sad to say I am electronic impulses on the internet who can offer an opinion and little else.