The popular image of someone who is in danger of suicide goes like this: A person has suicidal thoughts. It’s a crisis. The person gets help, and the crisis resolves within days or weeks.
That’s the popular image, and thankfully it does happen for many people. But for others, suicidal thoughts do not go away. Their suicidal thoughts become chronic.
The pattern of chronic suicidal thoughts is similar to that of a person with any other kind of chronic condition: For some people, there are flare-ups where the condition is far worse than normal, and then the symptoms subside, but only temporarily. And for other people, the symptoms never subside. Those people live with their symptoms – in this case, suicidal thoughts – every day.
Who Is Prone to Chronic Suicidal Thoughts?
Chronic suicidal thoughts are especially common in people with borderline personality disorder, an illness characterized by unstable emotions and identity; impulsive, often self-destructive actions; and turbulent relationships. The psychiatrist Joel Paris notes that, for many people with borderline personality disorder, “suicidality becomes a way of life.”
However, chronic suicidal thoughts can occur in concert with other mental illnesses, such as recurrent episodes of depression, or with no illness at all.
Many people who regularly have suicidal thoughts have considered suicide for so long that it feels normal to them. Some have thought of suicide ever since they were young children. And some have made multiple suicide attempts, sometimes so many that they lost track long ago.
Why Chronic Suicidal Thoughts Persist
Often, intense, ongoing psychological pain fuels chronic suicidal thoughts. But even seemingly minor challenges can intensify the wish to die.
Frank King captures this dynamic well in his TedX talk, A Matter of Laugh or Death. Although King is a comedian, he provides this example in all seriousness:
“See, people don’t understand. Let’s say my car breaks down. I have three choices: Get it fixed, get a new one, or I could just kill myself. I know, doesn’t that sound absurd? But that thought actually pops into my head… It’s always on the menu.”
Some people say it comforts them to know they can die by suicide if ever the pain of life gets to be too much for them. The soothing nature of having an escape has led some experts to refer to “suicide fantasy as life-sustaining recourse.”
As the philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche stated, “The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets successfully through many a bad night.”
The Danger of Chronic Suicidal Thoughts
Even if suicidal thoughts provide some form of escapism and relief, it does not mean that chronic suicidal thoughts are harmless. The more someone thinks of suicide, the more they might get used to the idea. This can weaken their inhibitions and fears about suicide.
Also, chronic suicidal thoughts typically indicate that an unhealed wound needs healing, whether that wound arises from past trauma, mental illness, grave loss, or some other cause.
Even for people who do not view their recurrent suicidal thoughts as a problem, it certainly is better if they can come up with other escape fantasies besides death. Better yet, they can be helped to develop problem-solving abilities, coping skills, hopefulness, and reasons for living that will make the option of suicide unnecessary.
Therapy for Chronic Suicidal Thoughts
For someone with chronic suicidal ideation, therapy tends to take longer than it does for someone in an acute crisis. The goals of therapy are not only to keep a person safe, but also to help them develop the skills and resources that will weaken suicide’s allure. Dialectical behavior therapy has been effective at reducing suicide attempts and suicidal ideation in people with borderline personality disorder and chronic suicidality.
Often, it is not a realistic goal for a person with longstanding suicidal thoughts to stop thinking of suicide. Suicidal thinking has become a habit. And nobody can control what thoughts come to them, only how they respond to the thoughts.
One way for someone to respond constructively is to observe their suicidal thoughts with curiosity and detachment. Some of my therapy clients say to themselves something like, “That’s not my real self talking. That’s my depression (or stress, or post-traumatic stress, or some other condition) talking.”
Mindfulness can be especially useful. The psychologist Marsha Linehan, PhD, developed DBT, which essentially is a form of cognitive behavior therapy combined with principles from Zen Buddhism. She uses a metaphor of a train passing by: You can sit on a hill and watch the cars of the train pass, or you can jump onto one of them and get carried away by it.
When to Panic – and Not to Panic – about Chronic Suicidality
So if you know someone with chronic suicidal thoughts, you don’t need to respond as though it is an emergency every time they think of suicide. That would be a lot of emergencies. Chronic suicidal thoughts often are manageable and the person stays safe in spite of them.
Danger occurs when the suicidal thoughts have intensified to such a degree that the person is intent on acting on their suicidal thoughts within hours or days. That is an emergency.
If the person is simply having the same thoughts that they have had for many years, don’t panic. Instead, compassionately listen and empathize with the person. Ask how you can be of help. Talk with the person about resources they can use, like the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (988 or 800-273-8255) or the Crisis Text Line (741741). Also talk about how they can keep their environment safe, like by removing firearms from the home.
Chronic suicidal thoughts are not ideal, but they also are not a crisis if there is no intent to kill oneself soon. As odd as it sounds, the option of suicide might be the very thing that helps some people to stay alive.
This post originally appeared in slightly revised form at insurancethoughtleadership.com/understanding-person-with-suicidal-thoughts/.
Copyright 2018 by Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.com. All Rights Reserved. Updated Feb. 12, 2023.
I’m 48, and I’ve been thinking of suicide for almost 10 years, sometimes more than others. My life is a fucking disaster, I hate everything about it. I’ve never made an attempt it I have been close (gun in my mouth, hammer cocked). I haven’t gone through with it because I don’t want my daughter to have to deal with an experience like that. But it’s harder and harder to hang on in this cesspool a world, everyday. Sometimes I just wish the whole fucking world would just end. I need help, but can’t afford insurance, being a single parent.
It is in my right as the owner of my body and mind to rid this world of myself. With the separation of church and state, the government has no right to dictate whether or not I live or die. The pecking order is Me and then the government and not the other way around (for the people, by the people). The government has forgotten its place and needs to be replaced with The People! Let us put it to a vote and force the elected, yes, elected officials pass it or deny it. A few religious folks should not have the power to make feel like shit on a daily basis. Who are they? And, where in the bible does it say they are obligated to make me suffer? Why is it immoral for a doctor to allow a suicide? Who are you to tell me what’s in my best interest? Egocentric and disgusting elitist. The right to die should not be stopped because “you” think yourself to be better, more educated, and right. Sometimes self-loathing is justified. Who are you to tell me I am not a piece of shit? I own me. I know me. It is no one else’s decision and not to mention, more oxygen for good people that actually deserve to continue living. One less person in line at your favorite eatery.
I’m 56 and for 40+ years my life has been tormented by daily thoughts of suicide, i know by heart many different ways to do it but being a coward i have only tried a handful of times, my attempts have always been stopped, so my torment continues.
Hi Simon
Honestly, I don’t think of not being able to commit suicide as cowardice. It takes guts to even contemplate suicide. Most folks will never experience that. I have, and although I’m not sure I could ever follow through, I know I’m stronger than most, just for the feeling. Depression hurts. I have talked to a few people who admit they wish they had never been born. I fall under that. Some of us just want the torment in our minds to end.
I often wonder that. How must it feel not to think you want to die on a daily basis. I did the math and apparently “I want to die”, “I wish I were dead” and similar thoughts have crossed my mind more than a million times. People that have never suffered from depression could never even begin to understand how it feels to think you’d be better off dead more than 300 times a day.
Hi I’ve had those thoughts of wanting to end my own life I’ve acted out on this at three different times the doctor told me he don’t understand how I was able to pull through but here I am still sufferingand always going through these episodes I’m 51 now is there really any real help
Thank you for the positive impact your blog has on its readers’ lives.
Since February I’ve thought about killing my self everyday…. Several failed attempts, overdoses that increase each time…
Before February I was a very happy person with a lovely fiancé and daughter
Now I just feel pain everyday, I no longer work, I can’t look in the mirror anymore because I hate the way I look…. I was a successful model and now I’m sickened by my reflection
I want the pain to end and this all to be gone
I’m so sorry you have to endure. I too suffer from constant pain and numbness from Transverse Myelitis and think quite often about death and the relief it would bring. If you wish, what is your particular affliction.
I’m trying to work out a situation where my demise hurts my family as little as possible. All the best to you, and everyone of us
Hi Sandra,
It sucks so much to feel that way. I sometimes wish I had never been born. To me life seems pointless and endlessly forced. I force myself out of bed then can’t wait until I can go back to bed so I don’t have to live. I force myself to be and fake my need to be happy and well adjusted. I told my husband that my brain will never be the way it was even 10 years ago.
I hope you have some good days in between bad ones. <3
I just can’t wait until it’s finally over. One way or the other – gone. And then in a very short while, it will be as though as I was never here at all. Out of this body, out of this ridiculous world, out out out.
I get it.
Same here, this whacked out world is pointless.
I have decided to give myself one last chance at being alive. If I can’t find anything that makes me happy within the next year, this will be it. I just can’t take being sad all the time any longer. I had an argument with my friends a while ago, they always treat me like sh*t, bail on me, do stuff without me, all that kind of stuff. When I told them I feel disrespected, they told me I am not worthy of being respected because I don’t have a wife and kids and still go to college. I’m so tired of being everyones punching bag, only called when they need help with something. I really tried so hard the last couple of month to improve my life, I overcame my anxiety and talked to people, I went outside everyday and even spoke to a girl. But for some reason, there is always a voice, telling me I’m not worth being happy and I constantly want to cut myself. In these moments, my breathing gets heavy, my knees and hands feel very weak and I want to cry but nothing happens.
Dear DeathRowCook,
It is good to hear that you have tried to improve. At least, that means that a part of you wants to fight. But your post makes me sad for you. What you feel is a completely natural response (IMO) to those fake ass bitch friends of yours not treating you like…well, a friend. You need new friends. And I totally get the no wife and kids thing (I don’t have any of that either). But don’t worry. The world is overpopulated anyway.
Don’t hurt yourself. That is not the right thing to do. If you were here in front of me, I would give you a giant hug and cook you dinner. Don’t give up. You can do this. Hold on.
We all share the same mentality and therefore wish every one of you could feel the love and understanding from each other. I love all of my fellow tormented extended family, even if we don’t know each other.
Does anyone know the prognosis for someone with chronic suicidal ideation? Do I get to look forward to having these thoughts forever? Do most of us never follow through?
I can go away, but that doesn’t mean it will. I actually don’t know the statistics and stuff, so please don’t lynch me. But I know it can go away because I had it, and I’m on a fast track away from it. It still pokes it’s head sometimes but I politely shove it the fuck back down to the deepest boiler rooms in Hell. Don’t give up hope and never follow through. You may feel useless now, but if you are dead, it will all have been for nothing. The world is better with you in it…unless you’re cruel to animals in which case you can fuck right off, politely.
We’re all going to dead someday and for the vast majority it’s all going to be for nothing. How would you know if the world would be a “better place” if anyone stayed or not?
Dear Bo,
Thanks for your reply. But that is not what I meant. If you give up now, you will never achieve any of the things you want – it can be family, career or something else. It doesn’t matter if you “make the world a better place” as long as you make it a better place for YOU.
Some people don’t want anything anymore exept to be in peaceful eternal nothingness.
I don’t believe that. If you want nothing in life and you basically don’t have a soul anymore – if nothing makes you feel good…or even less bad (for instance a movie, friends, daydreaming, sleeping), then why are you fighting to stay?? There is a part of you (albeit, possibly a very small part) that believes that your life can get better and wants to fight. And that is the part you should listen to.
Nina, (chuckling), I was feeling rather shitty and suicidal again and then I read your reply
to Sara , had a good laugh and snapped out of it for a moment, thanks.
Thank you for this article.
I find myself alone and in constant pain frequently. I’ve come to count on two senior rescue dogs I always have around. They make life worth living at least for now.
The entire world situation gets worse and worse and worse. That has heightened my chronic suicidal ideation. Some days it is almost unbearable. Anyone else experiencing that?
You are not alone. I feel this way constantly. The harsh cruel world we live in does not help hinder this pain and idea of escaping from earth. Do you find that anything helps soothe you, even if only temporarily?
Honestly, the only two things that help me are patting and loving on my dog who always loves me back and listening to a you tube video of the ocean – just the ocean and nothing else. It’s an 8 hour video so any time I turn it on it’s there and it never ends before I’m ready to stop listening. I don’t even look at the video, just listen to the audio.
Must tell you that reading your response was a godsend. Just knowing somebody else is in this space with me helps. People tell me to “just shut it off” or “there’s nothing you can do” but I don’t find those responses helpful.
You know what? I feel the same. And I find it harder and harder to ignore the political and social climate in the world. Sadly, there is no easy fix. What helps me is to imagine the world I want to live in and sort of just place myself in that fabricated scenario for a while. No one will ever know, because it is all inside my head.
Yes, I can relate to your suicidal ideation and world events making it worse
“She uses a metaphor of a train passing by: You can sit on a hill and watch the cars of the train pass, or..”
Me: “Or you can jump in front of the train”.
…or you can jump onto one of them and get carried away by it.”
Ah well I guess it’s not coincidence I’m reading this article.
Felix,
You make a great point: the idea of watching a train pass by might not be the best metaphor when someone has suicidal thoughts. I’ll have to consider that some more. Thanks for illuminating the problem so well!
I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts probably since I was around 12. My first serious attempt that hospitalized me (and almost killed me) was when I was 13. Due to that attempt, I ended up removed from the school I was going to and finishing school at home, which lead me to never experience what most other people have. It frustrates me so much to know how much I have missed out on and despite being a “smart” (I hate that term, all I did was memorize things) kid it never really lead to anything. So now I’m just a mess of a person, with so much reassurance growing up that I never got into any hobbies or learned any skills, and at this point I think there’s no reason to try to fix myself because the past already happened and changing that is the only way I would ever be happy today. I consider giving up every single night and I’ve given into that urge multiple times to no avail. I can only hope that one day it will work.
Dear Kyle, why fix yourself? You are already an amazing specimen! You are in so much pain and it sounds like you got messages throughout life that you now believe about yourself. Those messages or thoughts are not reality, they’re just thoughts! But as painful as they are, you can use them to motivate yourself. And stay with me here! If you died tomorrow, would there be one thing you wish you did? Like going swimming in a lake or the ocean? Not sure if you can drive, but could you spend 20 dollars on gas to see where you end up? How about petting one dog at an animal shelter? Or bringing flowers to a person who is unable to walk or talk? Or saying hello to 5 people you see? Just do one of those things though! At the end of the day, I think you might feel better about this day. Don’t think it will turn all your thoughts around! Thoughts are persistent buggers! It’s impossible to control them and people who think we can control thoughts are wrong! They’re just thoughts and if you just use today, a day you can see and feel, to feel something, you might feel better at the end of the day. If there’s one more thing you were thinking of wanting to do, you can do it tomorrow.
Thank you very much for this. It means a lot to me that you’re so understanding. I’m going to go for a bit of a drive. Have a nice day.
Gail,
What a kind, supportive, and realistic note. Thanks for helping someone out here and making a connection!
Kyle,
This kind of regret about the past is so painful. There’s a saying that you can’t change the past, but you can change your thoughts about the past. Which is great for people who are able to challenge their thoughts — to talk back to them with evidence that you’re looking at things in an all-or-nothing way, or overgeneralizing, or using some other cognitive distortion, and then making the thought more realistic. And if the thought is already free of distortion, then to address the problem it reflects — e.g., get therapy, practice gratitude for what you do have in your life (working eyeballs, feet, etc.).
These cognitive behavior therapy techniques are great if they work, and they often do, but they also often don’t. And when they don’t work, or if you want to skip them altogether, another path to try is, as Gail says, to cultivate an observing stance toward your thoughts and not regard them as facts and still do what you would like to do in life. That’s the essence of acceptance and commitment therapy.
If you’re open to a self-help book, I recommend the book Get Out of Your Mind and Into Your Life. It’s not a cure-all, but it could enlighten you to a new way of relating to your thoughts, based on Eastern meditation tenets of acceptance, observation, and ephemerality. Maybe try it? You never know!
Thanks for sharing here. I’m sorry you’ve gone through so much suffering, and I hope you experience a salve soon that doesn’t endanger your life. 🙂
I see other people talking about their situation, so I wanted to leave mine here as well. I get a lot of demeaning advice because I’m only 17, especially because my problems just sound like I’m having teen angst, but it makes me feel a bit better (if not a bit frustrated at the possibility of my situation being the same when I’m older) that other people of all genders and ages experience this loneliness and “backed into a corner” sensation that I do. I hate hearing about other people’s high school experiences or crazy parties or dumb mistakes for the very simple reason that I never got to experience any of that. I am unbelievably inexperienced in absolutely everything that feels required of an adult.
I’m now realizing how insignificant that is.
Maybe not.
I don’t know.
I feel the need to justify every sentence because I’m still technically a dumb teenager. As if I need to prove that I’m not like the other teenagers. That’s just the effects of stigma, I guess. I’m going to stop typing here before I start retelling my entire life story.
Thank you to the random stranger that took the time to read this. I will post this despite my hesitation in the hopes that maybe it will make someone feel a little bit better about their situation.
Hello, I would like to start off by saying you’re not dumb.There may be things you did not experience , however you are young and time is on your side. Figure out what you enjoy, try new things.You will find your way, you deserve a wonderful life. You have a God given purpose, ask and it shall be revealed to you.
Hayden,
What painful self-talk your mind is subjecting you to! Not only your mind, it sounds like — maybe others have imparted these same, denigrating messages to you (“dumb teenager,” “insignificant,” etc.), and you’ve internalized them? And if your mind came up with them all on its own, that’s not surprising, either. I sometimes think evolution accounts for the way our minds turn against us — people who didn’t doubt themselves and were overconfident were more likely to get eaten by a predator, way back when.
The reality is, being a teen doesn’t make you dumb. I’ve met some teens with more wisdom than the adults I know. Age is a measure of years, not of intelligence.
Another reality: Things change. Whatever dislike you have now for your life and yourself, whatever deficits of information you experience, those can change. (I would add, though, that you’re not expected to know how to do everything required of an adult when you’re 17. Heck, I’m still trying to figure it all out, and I was born in the previous millennium.) It might help you to envision all the selves you’ve yet to become — adult, career person, husband, etc.
One more thing to consider: Have you gotten help? Negative self-talk, pessimism, and low self-worth often are symptoms of depression. I’m not diagnosing you, of course — I couldn’t diagnose a stranger based on one comment on the Internet — but it is something worth exploring. Treatment is available for depression but also for less severe conditions.
Thanks for sharing here — and for actually going through with posting. I do think it helps others to recognize they’re not alone in the way they feel.
Hayden, nothing about your post said “dumb teen”. I basically skimmed over all the comments, and yours got me. I didn’t get a normal high school experience either. Yes there’s an emptiness, but I’ve let it go…it was 35 years ago. I basically wanted to say your not alone. I do have chronic suicidal thoughts, major depression, im alone but do have a dog…and a gun. It’s easy to let the dog loose and eat my gun, I won’t kill him just myself. Something keeps me going and it can’t be explained. Id like to talk with you, and everyone else with the same issues but that rarely happens as most communications on this matter are posted instead of live chat. Anyway im rambling, cant think straight, been severely depressed all day yesterday and into this morning. Suicidal thoughts brought me here to try and help others in need. I hope you got something from your quest for answers. Take care my son and don’t be um…spontaneous. Stay stable and you will make it
I have suicidal thoughts a lot again lately. One would think, I have nothing to complain about. Good job, lots of money to spend, working out, hobbies etc.
However, I feel incredibly lonely. I’m 24 and have never been in a relationship, I don’t even know a girl, like at all. Not a single woman in my life. I feel so isolated, somedays not even human anymore. Everyone just says: “Keep working on yourself bro”, “keep focusing on yourself and all the girls will throw themselves at you” but I start to doubt that be the case. Not going out to bars and participate in senseless drinking in hopes to find a partner is social suicide. My biggest fear is that someday I’ll find a girlfriend and she already had a bunch of boyfriends. The idea of “picking up what’s left” is what drives me insane the most. She will have had all the fun in the world and I’ll just be the one she settles for because she knows I won’t find anyone else. Every time I think about it my heart goes so fast, my breathing gets heavy and my chest hurts, a voice, somewhere in the back of my head suggests to end it, since there is no point in doing anything anymore. Somedays I can’t get out of bed for work because I wonder, why I try so hard. There is no reason to. The last couple of weeks I barely slept beyond four hours a day.
Bruh. I get you. I am in the same situation. Except I’m a girl and I’m 27 years old. I am sure our situations are a little bit different, but overall the same. My brother just had a baby, and that somehow makes me feel even more lonely. I keep wanting to end things, but I don’t want to just give up. I will not let the hardship defeat me. I keep reminding myself that as long as I’m breathing, I am winning. If you want hmu, and we can talk. You can find me on Messenger.
Hello Nina,
thank you for your reply. Sorry that I’m only now writing a response. I usually don’t look into my mails, since it’s usually filled with ads and what not.
Well, I guess, us being in similar situations makes us a little bit less lonely by default. I’m glad to hear that you have the strength to carry on. Sadly I don’t have any Social Media at all, only Telegram and Whatsapp. We can exchange contacts via E-Mail, if you’re still up to talk.
So much bullshit about the borderline diagnosis. It is so dangerous and unhelpful to do that. We all have traits. And what is with being disrespectful to people.
I’ve had suicide thoughts for many years. I don’t know what to do. I am no longer sure how to ask for help. Psychiatry, therapy and fitness haven’t really helped. I know what is wrong, but it’s hard to explain because people don’t really understand it. I’m lonely. I’m 26 and has never had a boyfriend or anything close to it. The “right now” is pretty good – I have many friends, goes to university, loving and supportive family – but the thought that I will never fall in love (with someone who loves me back) and start a family of my own is so devastatingly, soul-crushingly horrifying that I can hardly breathe. I usually don’t think about it during the day, so I enjoy myself in the “right now”, but the nights…I have trouble sleeping. I just exist several hours in the dark, alone, increasingly stressed because I have to get up so soon and the thoughts start coming. It would be so easy to just end it. People say “don’t focus so much on the future”, but I don’t see how I’m supposed to do that. I don’t understand “mindfulness” or “happiness from within”. I am sick and tired of my life being like this. Meanwhile, my friends are settling down and having kids and I’m just over here still a virgin. Before you ask, no guys have ever shown interest in me, so I’m not just “picky”, I’m not boring either. I don’t know what to do differently.
Hi Nina, I hope you’re doing ok. I have similar worries as you about romantic relationships and some other areas that I struggle with.
I don’t want to patronise you. But – what sometimes helps me to quiet painful thoughts is to tell myself that I don’t need to achieve anything great like doing the most meaningful work or having a partner and a family for life to be worth it. I’m alive just to be alive. Existing, using my senses, all of that is the purpose of my life.
I’m sure you know that there are all kinds of love and many people who never have sex or a partner in their lives. And plenty of people do have those experiences for the first time when they’re in their thirties, forties, fifties… The other day I heard about a 67-year old who’s been having his first romantic relationship for the past five years or so. He sounded very happy.
It’s understandable to worry about these things. But, in my opinion, no particular experience is necessary for your life to be worth living.
Hi Charly, thank you for your reply. It means a lot to me that you took the time to share your thoughts. It actually made me really happy to read about the 67-year old.
Everyone tells me that many people don’t get their first partner before late twenties or thirties. But I just…I have never in my life met anyone in a similar situation as mine. And that is what makes it really hard, I think. Everytime someone talks about relationships or whatever, it feels like a knife in the heart. I know that it is okay to not get married and have a family, but I just desperately want one. That’s just me. And it’s the worst feeling in the world. It’s like having a heartbreak for no reason all the time.
I’ve been apart of this thread for a long time now.. I’m 36 .. I’m blessed with borderline personality and major depression so suicide is no stranger in my life I’ve struggled deeply for a very long time.. I literally was just talking about how I feel so lost at night time because I don’t have anyone and then I read ur post.. I also have no children or partner . I just wanted you to know I experience hurt for those reasons too.. hope ur ok
Hi A.Rose. I’m not sure if you get a notification for this, but I couldn’t really reply to your reply…I hope you see this. I understand your feelings – completely. It’s probably gonna be me in 10 years…and it sucks. I’m so sorry that you’re feeling like this. You’re probably a great person who deserves better – especially after you’ve been struggling. I really hope that you meet someone or find happiness alone. It helps to know that I am not the only one feeling this way…the others are out there. In my imagination it could be nice if we made a “loneliness community” to combat said loneliness. Obviously, members would have to be able to prove in some way that they are REALLY lonely (singles only obviously). And then we would have meetings and summer camps and it would be so absolutely epic that everyone else in the world would think to themselves “Wow. They’ve really turned it around. I’m kinda jealous. It looks like they’re having fun”. And to be clear – this would not just be an app or something, it would be a real thing. Like the Freemasons or something like that. Yeah. I’d like that.
I wake up every day and try of think of reasons not to kill myself. I have to convince myself that my wife and kids are indeed not better of without me. It gets harder and harder every day to win that internal argument.
I know how I’d do it, it would look like an accident, and they’d be spared the shame and anger that comes with a suicide.
I tried to talk to my wife about all if this and she just yelled at me to stop talking like that. I have very few friends, but no one I can talk to like that. Counselors do little except reiterate that I am special and my family needs me.
My family hasn’t needed me in a long time, they would miss me, sure, but they definitely don’t need me for anything other than my paycheck.
I have insurance, they’d be financially taken care of. They wouldn’t have to put up with my bullshit personality disorder crap anymore and my PTSD symptoms which have helped ruin every relationship in my life. My wife is only with me for the kids, whether or not she admits it, or not. I haven’t felt love or passion from her in years.
Career wise, I have a job, post military, but it’s unrewarding, and my manger is awful. My career in the military was a couple bright moments surrounded by decades of disappointment, abuse, exploitation, and just generally be shit on and marginalized.
I really struggle because I want to talk to someone to help find reasons to live, but I also don’t want to cause anyone to question whether my death was an accident or not if/when I ultimately lose that argument with myself.
I don’t know what to do, but this has to change.
Since my mother died in October 2018, I really hit rock bottom and the ensuing legal hell that began in 2019 with my sister on the property, the Will, the Trust, all the stressful court hearings and surviving 4 hellish evictions (I won each one) in the past 3 years has caused me to take medication for my anxiety attacks and I’ve also developed Atrial Fibrillation which caused me to go to the ER nine times in 2.5 years . The Meds have helped. I didn’t go once in 2021
However the massive legal problems are still ongoing. I hope and pray it ends this year with some type of settlement. But it still won’t help in keeping me here. It will just delay it for a couple years perhaps.
In the meantime In the past 3 years, I’ve thought of suicide many times. I even called the “hotline” twice It was useless for me. Talking about it just offers a temporary reprieve. But the problem hasn’t gone away and I don’t think ever will.
Look here’s the bottom line. I DON’T HAVE ANYONE ANYMORE IN LIFE THAT GIVES ME A REASON TO STAY HERE IN THIS PHYSICAL EXISTENCE! THE ANCHOR IS GONE! That anchor was my mom. Actually all my family is gone. All there is now is me. I’m all alone now. The tragedy is I have no wife or kids. If I had that I would be able to handle life much better. My friends cannot fill that empty void. The future to me looks fearful and ominous. There’s this weekly feeling of hopelessness and despair. I’m fed up with life and it’s constant, continuing problems that never seem to stop! Whatever alternatives there are that may influence me to hang in there and stay ARE NO LONGER THERE. Without my meds, I don’t know how I could function on a daily basis. I may just stop taking them entirely.
I have absolutely no doubt that death is not the end. We just transition to another existence. There is so much evidence on this if you just seek it out! That’s where I want to go! I want a different way. I don’t really care to hang around here anymore. I made my choice. IT IS AN ALTERNATIVE CHOICE. I DECIDED THIS IS WHAT I WANT TO DO. People may say I need professional help (I don’t!) They mean well, but it doesn’t apply to me. I JUST WANT TO MOVE ON NOW. IT’S THAT SIMPLE FOR ME.
When it’s going to happen, I don’t know. The problem for me is I don’t want any pain in trying to do this. I want to take a pill and never wake up. That’s beautiful!
[This comment was edited to abide by the Comments Policy. – SF]
I understand.
I’m really starting to lose hope. I’m almost 32 and have been suicidal since I was 10. My first legitimate attempt I was 12. I’ve been through so much abuse and I’ve been raped more times than I can count. The mental health system ignored my abusive father I reported and blamed me and told me I was exaggerating for attention when so reported I’d been raped several times times by the time I was 16. So they labelled me as being BPD and told me it was due to my “attention seeking.” I’ve had horrible things done to me in hospital, I was homeless and being sexually abused or in domestic violence situations as the victim from 16-18. I was trafficked by a bf to his friends. I’ve tried to kill myself so many times. I was put on disability at 18 and told I’m a write off and will never handle school or work. I’ve had so many people I thought were friends rape me over the years then lost friends because they breadcrumbed the truth to our mutuals and I was a mess. Im about to graduate with my BSc but it’s taken me 8yrs to get it when I was considered an exceptionally gifted child (placement tests). I just messed up my application to my masters in a really stupid technicality. I feel like I’ll never get off disability and will be stuck choosing between rent and my meds. I’ll never get into a program despite my grades being excellent due to some really frustrating tests that don’t actually assess the skills they state they do, but rather seem to assess how neurotypically you think. I don’t have BPD according to recent trauma therapists, but I definitely have CPTSD and ADHD. I can’t stop the intrusive thoughts. I’m in physical pain a lot from my fibro and I hate myself. I got out of shape with the pandemic, I haven’t seen any of my actual friends since September (it’s almost March now) and I’m just so hopeless. I’m a burden, will never succeed and am just garbage. I feel like all my abusers were right.
Brittany,
How awful that you’ve endured so much pain, abuse, and disbelief when you’ve needed so very much to be believed and helped. I’m sorry. I’m also impressed you’ve managed to get your Bsc – which you seem to discount by saying it’s taken 8 years, but with all you’ve been through it’d be a miracle for there to be no delay.
I hope you won’t give up. I hope you wrote here because there’s a part of you that recognizes things can change, and that there is some hope (even if it hides very, very well sometimes), and that your abusers were wrong. And I hope that part of you recognizes, too, you’re not garbage or worthless or whatever else your mind tells you right now. I know these might sound like platitudes, and I apologize for that. I’m not expecting you to believe instantly change your mind about yourself based on my words here. Rather, I’m hoping that part of you already disbelieves the self-condemnations, and that part of you is who commented here.
Thank you for sharing. May you experience hope and healing soon.
Too everyone that comes across this post on this thread please take the time too watch this YouTube video I came across it today because just like so many of us I try too make sense and understand what’s happening too me and why ..
https://youtu.be/UbN8Nd1eSDM
Hello Brittany,I would like to start off by saying you are not garbage, God does not create trash. No matter what you have been through, it does not define who you are as a human being.You are someone with a purpose in life, always know that.I wish you many Blessings.
“Chronic suicidal thoughts are not ideal, but they also are not a crisis if there is no intent to kill oneself soon. As odd as it sounds, the option of suicide might be the very thing that helps some people to stay alive.”
that pisses me off!!!!! I have been suicidal for 2 weeks now and hospitals have not accepted me!!!!! I will kill myself ASAP!!! I dont have money. It is locked up. I live in a group home cause of disabilities mental and physical. I have staff here with me and they make me worse by ignoring me….it’s like the proof I need to disappear!!!!
You are leaving out a major group. CHRONIC PAIN PATIENTS. Many patients have coped with their pain using opioids for years and decades. Due to the CDC guidelines, many chronic pain patients have been taken off pain meds without any form of relief. When this happens they have 3 choices. Live in AGONY, buy street drugs or chose to end the pain. The first choice unfortunately leads to the last as unbearable pain 24/7 is not living. The second choice often ends with people purchasing drugs laced with fentanyl causing an opioid overdose and death.
PAIN USED TO BE THE FIFTH VITAL SIGN. Why is it no longer considered important?
Thank you for your comments David. I’ve been in constant pain for almost 18 years and don’t know what else to try to help me. I refuse to think my desire to be rid of this pain somehow make me mentally ill. They just don’t get it, and because of that, I’ll probably be forced to jump off a bridge in 2 to 3 years. I just have to summon the courage to make it happen
I wish I could just die nothing to live for never has been
Let people make their own goddamn decision it is their life we are not fucking cattle
I’ve been in constant pain for close to 18 years. There’s a part of me always thinking about it.
My body is falling apart and am in constant pain. Have prayed about this daily, no answer. I am 70 and a veteran, served 6 years infantry. I have tried to get help from the V.A. but no luck there as I was declined for no reason. I was medically retired for back trouble and have gone too many nights without sleep. At this point in my life I am a lot closer to the grave than ever. I just want it to end.
Please don’t give up I know how much pain depletes joy I’m so sorry you are feeling so sad but your life is so important to lots of people you haven’t even met yet at least give it another 24 hours and try reaching out and sharing how badly your feeling with your family and friends. I care about you I can tell u are a good person we can wait it out together I also am struggling!
Hello Sir! I will happily call you Sir and thank you for your sacrificial service!!! My mom is a veteran as well (Army Reserves) and she taught me to respect those who serve. I see the word “veteran” and I have compassion on them and am thankful to be able to talk or message someone like them. Even though there is that trauma that can happen when enlisted (and after) there is still more of a triumph I’d say in knowing the facts. Yes you have battle wounds, yet you still have the fight! Blessings to you.
I’m sure it’s too late
I hope not.
im 14 and i need help. but when i take meds no matter what i still fake my smile and sometimes i cant even cry cause i do it too much but if i express myself to my freinds or try to they call me weak and a b word why why me and the people who dont deserve it theres one thing stopping me and its my family
Your feelings are valid and I’m sorry you’re in pain. You’re not what’s wrong – your friends are wrong. There’s such a thing as Toxic Positivity – where people feel the need to say things like “Smile more, it isn’t that bad, you bring everyone down, others have it worse than you” in an attempt to silence you so your perfectly valid feelings/pain stop them from feeling uncomfortable. I’m glad to hear you have a lovely support network in your family. It sounds like you need better friends and better meds though. I hope you find the help you need.
Stacey, I am going insane. All I can think about is suicide 24×7. I’ve tried meds, counselling, etc.. I love my wife and kids, but I just want to cease to exist. To go peacefully into the night. I just don’t want to live, and I don’t want to go in a horrible manner. Please say a prayer for my family. I have been this way for the last 3 years, and I am out of gas. I can’t give you a ton of hardship stories and tragedies, though I have a few. Why am I writing this? I don’t know. I think the meds have changed my brain, and hurt my body. I’ve been off of meds for over a year now, and I just don’t feel like I did before I started them. Cognitive impairment, emotional blunting, and a loss of that internal warrior that I could always count on to get me through anything. Help.
Dar,
I’m so sorry. Are you getting any help at all? I hear you about the meds, and I know the long-term effects, including the potential for prolonged withdrawal, are a topic of growing controversy and concern. There are online support groups, like Surviving Antidepressants: Peer Support for Tapering and Withdrawal Symptoms. At the same time, how does one know if intense, 24/7 suicidal thoughts a year after stopping meds are a relapse? (That’s not a rhetorical question.)
I wonder if it would help you to connect with someone in one of the online support groups. You can also do a search on Facebook for private groups. The forum at chronicsuicidesupport.com also might be a help to you. And, of course, there are the resources I list at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Thanks for sharing here. I hope you’re able to feel some relief or hope soon.
keep strong, man. keep going.
I have thought about dying ever since I was 10. When I was raised in a Catholic School and every week after attending confession, mass, etc. I would have to go home and perform sex acts on my own father and allow him and his wife to perform sex acts on me. To be told I was nothing, I would never make it. I did make it. Only to then live and make a life of bad choices as a result of my redirecting path in life. As much as living a life of determination to live the one I never had.. I failed .. inevitably. Two failed marriages, 3 kids who resorted to drug usage for their coping regardless of the counseling, church, youth groups , I didn’t do drugs. I tried to keep us involved in church. I had counseling .. some. I don’t know how to be in a relationship I have been single for 25 years.. I have not had a date in 13 because I don’t feel normal being touched. I can’t connect. My children were not taught how to have reltationships.. I didn’t know how. My children were not raised with a normal family connected upbringing. I didn’t know how. and so for that,, they have their struggles… because of me.. My oldest son died. a year ago.. drugs.. he had a college education.. was brilliant but couldn’t cope with life.. My life no matter how much I wanted it to be fixed wasn’t and my children suffered from it.. I am at the point now,, since my son died that I think of ending it every single day.. I have begun attempts small ones I can picture my end .. It feels peaceful to me.. I need relief from this life long life of pain.. Im sorry for being selfish for my pity party I just cannot do it anymore .. what is the point.. the pain of my childrens struggles due to my inability to be normal.. I have tried ..
I appreciate this article. My life is hard and unfulfilling right now and I just don’t want to deal with it anymore. I just want it all to STOP! I think about suicide everyday and even know HOW I’m going to do it so NO ONE will find me.
I’m just tired of ME! I’m sick of me and all my failures. It’s all I focus on now. But, thank you for your article. I know you help people.
I just had a birthday and hoped I would feel better but nope, just older. I have nothing to offer and I’m just tired of trying and failing. I am so stupid and I am a failure
You can’t be stupid or a failure. You were courageous to go online to express your despair. I get what feeling like a failure feels like it really stinks. Sometimes we believe the most negative and horrible things about ourselves; maybe we’ve been told them or maybe we just tell ourselves them. Either way I’m sure u helped someone by sharing ; now they know they’re not alone! God loves u!
Yes This is me. No one has said it so clearly. Not my psychiatrist or psychologist. Been looking for answers for such a long time. I relate to everything you say.
I’m not sure you really get it and it’s not that I’m special because I’m not there are probably thousands of people like me with chronic suicide issues who are “living on the edge”, yes I have tried suicide multiple times but I’m getting closer to getting it right! Yes I’m in therapy and have been for years but I must not have the right therapist yet this one is my 3rd and now starting on 4 Monday if I make it through the night. The meds I’m on sure I feel a little better but I still get those daily thought “Is today the day?” I’ve been unable to work due to injury for 15 years and yes I suffer from PTSD because of multiple brain surgeries and PNES along with other issues. I thought heavily about ending it tonight and I may but writing this makes me feel a little better along with the chance of I might find the right therapist to talk to tomorrow makes me think twice,,,just not sure I’ve been let down so many times by the medical community there is not a lot of trust left sad.
Greg,
That sounds like a really scary place to be in mentally. I’m glad typing it out made you feel a bit better. Even if it’s just out into the anonymous internet there is something about talking about these dark thoughts that helps. You sure have been thru a lot.
This is so me. It’s my son, too. In fact, we have a pact to not kill ourselves for the sake of the other. In my case, the ideation gets better on antidepressants. Like without them, I’m thinking about suicide every day, and then once they kick in—poof!—those thoughts are gone. Or at least they diminish in detail and urgency.
Anyway, thank you for describing my reality. :/ And for the resources.
What meds finally helped? Struggling here.
Thank you for this article. The times of suicidal thoughts have grown more frequent and intense these past 2 years. I’ve never heard the term chronically suicidal but it is a comfort to know others have understanding of the condition and it definitely describes what is happening. It’s also was helpful to hear that it can sometimes not need to be taken as an emergency because that would be a lot of unnecessary emergencies. I’m learning one cannot just ignore it either as I do feel it increases risk. It’s so hard to know what’s right to do when feeling that way. Especially now that it’s more frequent. The suicide hotline has been helpful so I’m glad to see it throughout the website.
Meredith,
I’m grateful the article was helpful to you; thank you for letting me know. Also grateful that the suicide hotline has been helpful to you, and that you recognize that chronic suicidal thoughts shouldn’t be ignored. I hope you’re getting help.
You might also be interested in the website chronicsuicidesupport.com. They have a forum where you can chat with others. And also, The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook by Kathryn Gordon could be a help to you.
Thanks again for sharing!
❤
At last a place where I can be open about my suicidal ideation. I had it really severe until I was 28. I actually can’t remember a time when I wasn’t depressed. After it ended I went on to build a successful life. I am a licensed mental health professional and I know the best suicide prevention for me is having lots of love and a support system. And up to March of 2020 it worked most of the time. Yes, I had bouts of severe depression and some suicidal ideation but I got through it. I have been responsive to meds, done lots of therapy, some EMDR, psychedelic medicine, TMS. Just at the start of the pandemic my sweetie of 7 years got diagnosed with terminal cancer. He lived an hour away and he was alone a lot of the time due to the restrictions and it was total agony to hear his acute pain and especially when I had to protect myself to see him. Unfortunately he was not very responsive to pain medication even though he got the best of care. I spent days and days with him, and was frankly pissed off that he didn’t want assistance with dying. Watching him die was the most painful thing I have ever experienced. His ex was a retired palliative care doctor who came back into his life to coordinate his care. While this was all going on my longest term friend was dealing with terminal lung cancer and I couldn’t see her. And two other friends were also terminally ill and my sweetie’s sister in law was also. Most of these people died in the fall of 2020. When 2020 hit I was having a lot of pain from a botched bunion surgery and could barely walk. My surgery had been re-scheduled for March 2020 but got postponed to June. I was alone for months. My psychiatrist and I decided that this was not really a medication issue: that my coping mechanisms that had worked so long had failed because it was too much. After I got better at 28 I spent years scared that the overwhelming daily depression and ideation would return later in my life and then finally convinced myself that I had done everything I could to build a support system. And then age age 67 it came back. The bitch is I had decided a while back that I could not kill myself because I can’t do that to other people in my life, especially my clients. And I’m angry about that, too. As usual it’s all about other people’s needs first. One of the other bad things that happened was that I was so depressed the first few months that I stopped eating and became very weak, even having trouble getting out of bed but living alone and working part-time (which was good as the structure helped). One day I fell down a flight of concrete stairs and ended up on my side. No injury just the same. Then I asked when I had felt this level of exhaustion before and I remembered when I did I was anemic. As soon as I addressed that at least some physical energy came back. But still the tape about killing myself, how was I going to get through all of this sorrow with lots of sorrow to come up in the future because of my age and the age of those I love. I wanted to find a reason to go on besides not hurting other people and taking care of someone I promised to take care of. I have tried to focus when things were lightening up some and my body was healing again on starting to do small things that gave me pleasure – like kayaking or being in nature, playing the piano. A month after that I badly injured my neck and shoulder and could not sit up for 6-8 weeks because of the intense pain. I felt very discouraged and that I couldn’t go on like this. I have been full of rage about a lot of what is going on in the world, racism, sexism, climate change, and especially the last administration. The pandemic is an overlay that’s there. And now even going out in nature is somewhat problematic. I live where we have had wildfires since 2016 and the smoke still drifts in. There is all this unhealed trauma from the fires (I did not lose anything but being in this community while this was happening was very traumatic) and now we are on edge every fall, that it will happen again. And even though I live in one of the most beautiful spots in the country, the air looks awful. I was doing better but I am so sensitive to getting triggered. When I can stay distracted it’s easier but when I can’t I get easily triggered. This weekend has been what would have been my sweetie and my 8th anniversary and I have sunk down into it again. I think I screwed up changing medications and I may be undermedicated so I’m hoping that will help some. And I finally got appointed Executor and its a mess and there’s lots of work to do that involves thinking of him. Yes to be able to safely type these words and know other people will understand and no one will call the cops which not only won’t help but would probably be the last straw for me – to enter the public mental health system. Being a highly respected mental health professional it’s hard to find a safe place to be open about my experiences but I also feel that I need to be – that holding this dirty secret isn’t helping me. But therapists have laws about reporting people if they have reason to believe they are at serious risk and lots of therapists over-react. I’m glad I found this site and Stacey and her coming out story is inspiring. Thank you for reading this.
Karin,
Oh my gosh, you have experienced more loss in the last couple of years than many people do in a lifetime. I’m so sorry for your losses and for the pain you’ve experienced.
I appreciate knowing that it helps you to be able to share here. And I’m certain it will help others to read about your pain and to not feel so alone in theirs. (I know that sounds weird that someone might “enjoy” reading about someone else who’s hurting, but our common experience of pain links us to each other.)
Thanks for your kind words about me. I know many mental health professionals experience the pressures you describe – to be there for clients, to not get entangled in the public mental health system, to not disclose suicidal thoughts to someone who might panic and call 911. I wish fewer therapists were quick to panic like that.
You are, of course, welcome to post here again, and you might also be interested in ChronicSuicideSupport.com, which has a forum where people can share their stories and thoughts with each other.
Thanks for sharing here!
Thanks Stacey. Right now I want to send this to the people in my support pod. This is the best articulation I have heard that clicks about what goes on for me. Just because I have intense pain does not mean I want to kill myself at least not in this moment. When things are so bad and I become overwhelmed my brain goes to this. And yes the knowledge that I have this option is important to keeping me here. Unfortunately in the past my way out was the possibility that things would get better. I don’t believe that anymore. Yes they change but not necessarily for the better. I feel like I’ve had a pretty amazing life even with chronic depression and sometimes intense ideation. So why go on when things in the world are horrible. Those I love are all over 75. My own body is breaking down.
If you want another safe place to open up Sanctioned Suicide is really good
Sanctioned Suicide is another safe place
Karin, Wow.. you spoke so clearly about the the overwhelming amount of pain and loss, and good coping skills just not an effective match for all you are having to deal with, the fear of police if you speak your truth, and therapists overreacting. Thank you. Your sincerity and vulnerability are powerful. We are out here with you, and wish you well in your journey.
I have been suicidal since I was a child.
I come by it honestly. I have rampant mental illness in both sides of my family. Great-grandma tried to kill herself four times and had shock therapy in the 60’s, when it was much less safe.
I attempted at 19. I survived by sheer dumb luck. I look back on my teens and shudder — I recently learned of an extrordinarily easy way to kill myself peacefully. If I’d known about it in my teens I’d already be gone.
This knowledge terrifies me. Now that I know it’s an option, it’s all I can think about. It would be so easy.
I’m scared for myself. Now that I know how simple it would be I’m very afraid that the next time I get into a bad place I’ll just take that route.
I’ve become very isolated. I’m coming up on 35 and… my God, it’s already been over 25 years of this. I honestly don’t know if I can keep doing it.
At this point I have made a pact with myself: if I don’t see improvement by 40, I’m done. Even 5 more years of this feels like an eternity, but hey, I’ve already done 25 years of hard time in my own mind, so what’s another 5 more.
I hope the commenters here find peace. I sure haven’t.
I want to say “hold on”, but im afraid i would feel very much the same if i knew of an easy peaceful way. Yeah, thats gotta be difficult, and i see myself in you making pacts with yourself. Thank you for the wishes of peace, and i send them back to you. Hoping 40 is better than expected.
I am so tired of all of this. Being forced to live with no way out, everyone telling you “it gets better” whilst they live their best life and you try to get through another day unmotivated. It angers me. It angers me that there’s no peaceful option for people who suffer like us. The only option we have is to either wait out our deaths, or choose a method that doesn’t always have a 100% success rate and possibly be worse off if you survive an attempt to end yourself.
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Ya, tired of people especially people that know all I tried to help myself….still say it will get better! Like really how!. I have depression and now my mom and emotional support cat died in same month…how it get better…I Canada they don’t yet have it approved for medical assisted suicide for mental health..but suppose to be approved by 2023…in mean time…people take chances and do it themselves which is cruel and sad and lonely…why are we forced to live in such pain. I wrote a letter to the government about this..of course was ignored…I mean my suffering means nothing to them…and then wonder why suicide rates are so high! People tell me get hobbies etc….to do volunteering and hobbies you need to be able to even get out of bed…when your head and body feel so weak and sick…ya great idea….they just don’t get that there is no energy or motivation I. Doing this…dressing and showering is a huge task…and meals…unbearable just make simple things to stop the belly from growling…not eating healthy…just surviving and for what!? And people tell me every year for 22 years it will get better! Like shut up..it’s not…
Reading all these comments is so sad. I wish I could take everyone’s pain away, but I can’t even help myself. I use to think when I got my first real bout of depression at 29 I would find the solution as I am medication resistant and write a book and help people. Well here I am just turned 54 and I am still searching. After much money spent and trying all sorts of things…had my mercury fillings all removed, hypnotist, naturopaths, holistic doctors of all kinds, supplements, best holistic psychiatrist in the world I flew to see and I have had off and on some happiness through the years but always still had “bad” days…i have had my mom living with me for 13 years after dad died and had an awesome emotional support cat and now they both died within weeks of each other a few months ago…I always said when they go I go…my days are so long and I can’t deal with double grief and depression. The pain is unimaginable and I know my days are numbered…my psychiatrist is at a loss…we have tried every therapy. So when they say it’s a treatable illness it not always is, as from reading all these comments…why are we all so tortured in this life…what did we do to deserve all this pain?
Hi Karma. I can relate a little. I am severely depressed lately, almost always suicidal and even professionals seem to agree that I’m probably not treatable. They won’t even prescribe me medication, so I’ve been trying every natural supplement I can find. Most people sadly agree that there is no solution for me, so they don’t try to discourage suicide. In fact, lots of people encourage it, maybe because my pain is so deep and relentless (except at the peak level of all the supplements, but who wants to need handfuls of pills just to keep themselves from committing suicide each day?) Everyone who mattered to me left my life suddenly about six months ago, and I’ve been sinking deeper and deeper since then. We were all close and very supportive of each other. Once one of them replaced me, they all did, including my son who moved away. I have nobody and even strangers encourage me to kill myself. It’s such a sad, lonely life. It seems unfair for me to complain, though, because I did have many years of happiness before this year. Now, it hurts so much to be thrown away and all alone. Nobody answers my calls or wants to see me anymore, when I used to be everyone’s support system and best friend, and I gave up my own life and dreams to help others get theirs. It’s such a sudden and sad transition. Felt like all my best years were just used up by everyone else. And apparently, nobody will ever want to be in my life again. Almost feels like I’m supposed to die, like this is my ending. It’s too late to make any of my dreams come true, I’m too old to have another romantic relationship, and my son wants nothing to do with me. It almost seems – very rationally – like it makes perfect sense to end it now. If anyone has anything encouraging to say or has felt the same but got much better somehow, I’d like to know. No, I’m not looking to get to a place where I’m “content” or “less depressed.” Before 2021, I was almost always HAPPY. Pretty much nothing will satisfy me except true happiness. Thanks for reading. Hope we can all find happiness.
I agree, I don’t want to just feel some contentment in life, which right now I don’t even have that. I would love to have true happiness back and like you I feel very alone. I am sorry your son doesn’t want much to do with you….that is horrible…I feel so bad for you and can’t offer you any great advice as I am in the same boat. Even my own family when I actually planned my suicide once three years ago and again when my mom and kitty died recently they didn’t try to talk me out of it. I was giving my stuff away to them and they were taking it…because it’s what I wanted. Then I said to my one brother whom I’m super close with and live with okay I will try hormone therapy yet and see if that helps….so I am still here…(and it didn’t help)….but even my sister says well I can’t imagine what kind hell you are living in and what can I say to you that hasn’t been said or done…so they (two brothers and two sisters) didn’t try talk me out of it…the one sister was totally against it and wanted nothing to do with this “plan” but even my brother who I’m so close with since we were young wasn’t begging me to stay, I mean he said well try maybe this or that but he can’t stand to see me crying and in so much misery…my mom even a few years ago was willing to let me go and cried a lot about it but she couldn’t stand to see me laying in the fetal position in the bathroom in such pain…gut wrenching bawling….so now here I am without my main support and reason for living….my mom now gone and the thought of just existing and being content doesn’t cut it with me…I did that for too long….again, I’m sorry for what you are going through…I wish we could talk to one another …as I really have nobody, my brother is never home and always at work…most friends gave up on me…newly married three years ago, husband gave up on me so I left him…he said I never thought depression could be this bad etc…so basically abandoned me and was never around me…then this all happened….and now it’s worse yet…not better…I know soon I will be gone, I’m sort of just buying time…and closing up loose ends and getting things in order…sort of delaying it a bit…almost waiting for some miracle…like divine intervention or the rapture coming and we are all removed off this planet to a happy good world…with out all the cruelty…and just feel peace and love and happiness…I guess for many they have that …and take it for granted…most will never know the pain of depression and they are so lucky…Gods chosen ones I guess….I hope you find some sort of happiness soon, as I wish this for all of us.
The only thing that has kept me alive for the last several years is my faith.
God does not approve of taking ones own life, he gave it and you have no right to take it.
Talk to him
I’ve been prosecuted for psychological actions I took to prevent suicide and then convicted for asking for help. The police called it malicious communication, implied suicide threat.
It seems wrong to use the law in this way. It’s England
Can anyone support or help me?…
The media have put the boot in
Dr David Crichton
David,
Do you mean the government convicted you because you were suicidal? That sounds like what happened up until around the 1960’s. Humans have learned a lot about depression, anxiety, PTSD, etc. since then. Enough to know that this is actually something that happens in the brain on a physical level. It’s like having cancer. Does your country convict cancer patients? Stigma is not helpful. It can make it worse. I know from my experience that someone telling me I could not end my life if I choose to, would be a huge problem. I had a suicide hotline threaten me with calling an EMT. I told him or her that they do not have the right to threaten and they should consider not being a part of the hotline. It’s my life and my death. I realize it can hurt others but that is an individuals choice on how they handle their personal affairs. Some folks like myself are tortured everyday by thoughts. If I choose to end that, it’s my business.
Agree, its morally offensive to think anyone has a right to tell someone else about their choice of life or death.
I’ve been suicidal since I was 15. I’m now 57. The older I get, the worse it gets. Every single night I pray that I don’t wake up. I’m a breast cancer survivor. Every single time I’m put to sleep for a procedure, I pray that I don’t wake up. I’m considered lucky because my cancer was caught so early that I didn’t have to endure chemotherapy or radiation. I feel unlucky because of the same reason. I would not have taken treatment if it had been required. I only stick around for my dog. But now I’m considering finding her a new home so that I can just get it over with. I’m miserable all day every day. I just don’t care about being here at all.
Wow, that is so sad. I’m so sorry to hear about your pain. Have you tried professional help? Getting blood-work / hormone levels checked to see if there is an underlying medical condition or deficiency? Maybe a homeopathic doctor could help? Please try everything you can as soon as you can, please?
I think the thing that hurts the most right now is that the only thing I want is to die, but I know I will never do that to my family. I have cut off ties with pretty much everyone in my life except for them, because I just could never cause them that pain. So instead I’m just unwillingly existing for them. And it’s not fair, to them, to me, to anyone. I have been suicidal on and off for over a decade, probably more on than I ever cared to admit to myself or others. I feel so privileged and ashamed, and simultaneously stupid for feeling that way because I would never think that of anyone else in my situation. I have tried to just accept that I will have to live in pain and longing until I can finally die but my family keeps thinking it’s just a phase. Because I have turned myself around before, at least on the outside. Traveled the world, done incredible things, but I’ve never left the darkness. Even when I was at the top of my game, living abroad, great friends, taking my 5000 mood stabilizers and other prescribed pills, had adventure, intellectual stimulation, the whole nine yards – I was still struggling to take care of myself on a basic level. I always have at least one foot in the darkness. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m off my meds and haven’t been to therapy in a long time but I have been at the bottom of this pit long before I stopped doing those things. I am constantly dissociated, something I only recently learned when I (oops, embarrassed) learned what the hell dissociation was. And it was this big moment where I realized none of the myriad of high-paid doctors, specialists, hospitals, treatments, have ever said the word dissociate to me. My life is lived 99.9% on the inside, and all these years they haven’t even known the half of what is going on in my brain, but I accepted their ways. I can’t trust my brain anymore. The PTSD from my childhood is so strong, and I live with my parents, so I am constantly surrounded by a confusing mess of people who love me, who anger me, who ruined me, who have given me everything, and have trapped me in the nightmare that is simply being alive. I don’t know what this rant is about anymore. I’m exhausted. I do nothing all day, losing track of time as I sit and get lost in my mind. I think I might have dissociative identity disorder, but I also think I don’t and I’m just making it up, but I also always gaslight myself, and why would I make that up, but I can’t trust anything my brain produces, for obvious reasons. I don’t know. I don’t even know when this was originally posted. I smashed my phone to pieces in a rage months ago and generally have no clue what is happening ever at all with anything in the world. Smooth segue out of here. Don’t tell me I’m funny.
I felt like I was reading what I was struggling to write in my own journal yesterday , you found the words I couldn’t! I am here alone in my room all the time, I dont want to bother anyone so I stay away. I live with my father and my youngest son. They never check on me include me or understand it. They think I’m doing this to myself, or I’m weak and lazy! I have no one who has time for me but I will perform magic if anyone calls with a need! I want to be free , out of my head!
I completely understand. I constantly think about it, 3 or 4 times a week I have the gun at my head. Lol I even had the trigger pulled about 1/3 the other day. No way out and no life worth living. Best revenge for 30 years of an abusive wife is a bullet in my head and her left with no life insurance or financial means to live. I have 6 years to retirement and I can’t. Spent every dime on family and a wife that refused to work.
The person who wrote this has no idea what it’s like to feel suicidal.
It is not an “escapist fantasy” that keeps a person going. And it’s insulting to see that! The thing that stops me from acting is knowing the pain it would cause those that are left behind. I’m miserable every single day! The pain is unbearable!
I agree with you 110%! I have been to therapy for years and finally my therapist told me she could not help me. She stated I needed PTSD therapy. I am soon to be 77 and have lived with suicidal ideation since my early 20’s. I am very isolated and my dog keeps me going, but he will be 13 next month. I cannot imagine my life without him, because of the unconditional love he has provided. I have no desire to be on this Earth after I lose him…I have had so much loss in my life, that I cannot think of a time when I was calm and content. People say I am feeling sorry for myself and I guess that is so in a way. I can’t help wanting to leave this Earth…Maybe it runs in families, because my only Brother took his life at 27. I had one unsuccessful suicide attempt and checked myself in a locked facility, when I was going to attempt what I believed would be a successful suicide. FIVE weeks on that unit and I came out worse than when I went in…I share your thoughts Debbie and just wish more people could understand.
It’s comforting to know that so many share similar experience. I’m 33 and have had suicidal thoughts for as long as I can remember. Wrote my first suicide note at the age of 8, destroyed it because I didn’t want my family to find out. It’s a daily struggle. For me it isn’t even pain or sadness, it’s just endless boredom and void. Excitement is boring, happiness is boring, achievements are boring (believe it or not, I’m actually a fun person most of the time; at least my friends think so). I can’t wait for my life to be over. I’ve always felt like some inanimate object accidentally given consciousness. It’s just a mistake and I never wanted any of this.
But I also can’t imagine the pain my family will have to go through if I kill myself now. So, I have never made an attempt and will not commit suicide before my parents die. That’s my lifeline. But honestly, if one day they are both gone, I can’t imagine why I would keep living. I don’t plan to get married or have kids or pets; I’m literally just waiting it out. I do have some close friends, but I think/hope they’ll eventually recover from the shock.
I have never told anyone about these thoughts, except for the one time I texted the crisis hotline because it was too overwhelming at that moment. I may try therapy, but to be honest I don’t have high hopes. I hope all of you get the help you need, although I personally have pretty much given up.
At 60 y/o, I’ve experienced about 40 years of on-and-off suicidal ideation. I am still alive at age 60, but I am certainly not enjoying myself, and I will never gush with thanksgiving over the emergency room specialists who saved my life on two occasions.
Just want to push back a bit on one idea. You present the concept that chronic suicidality is often connected with BPD, and then you proceed to talk about ways to deal with suicidal ideation (mindfulness, improved coping skills, etc.) as if all of us have BPD. Stacey, that’s just not true.
Many of us have excellent coping skills. Many practice meditation. Many of us keep our suicidal ideation and depression to ourselves and so lead relatively productive lives. But those skills do not stop the suicidal ideation. Nothing does.
Please don’t lump us all into the same category. Some of us have experienced serious trauma and seen so much horror that we cannot help but be reluctant travelers on this planet.
Bravo, Ben, thanks for echoing my almost identical thoughts and experiences. The only difference is in the ER, where no one needed to save my life, but was unnecessarily forced by police, more than once, from my home based on ridiculous assumptions, when I was already struggling, and was already trying to get effective help, not even close to thoughts of suicide. Each time has traumatized me even to this day, and those experiences continue to threaten my trust regarding seeking help from anyone involved in mental health.
Thank you so much for mentioning the BPD thing. When I read that in this article I just yelled “Oh, [Expletive] YOU” reflexively, right at my phone screen.
I was abused heavily by a therapist who insisted I had BPD. I’ve met individuals with real BPD, by the way — I don’t even come close to that shifting mixed bag of red flags, instability, and abusive behavior.
Any clinician who tries to shove a BPD diagnosis at someone for long-term suicidality with no other symptoms gets immediate, heavy side-eye as a fraud from me.
BPD is hideously overdiagnosed by lazy clinicians who don’t want to bother with taking the time to make a real diagnosis. So many people (let’s be real, so many women) have had years of their lives ruined by lazy clinicians collecting pay by slapping a BPD diagnosis on them for literally anything and shoving them out the door.
I fully believe that in 30-40 years society will look upon the horrifying and ugly overdiagnosis of BPD the same way we look at “hysterical” diagnosises that got women logotomized in the 40’s and 50’s today.
People who maliciously threaten suicide as a control tactic out of fear of abandonment are NOT the same group of people as the chronically suicidal. You have to PRY it out of a chronically suicidal person that we feel this way.
A BPD person will threaten to kill themselves because you didn’t buy them a can of coke, and they make sure you know it’ll be all your fault if they follow through.
(Spoiler: they won’t. They love manipulation and control too much to ever give that up.)
But of course, why bother to accurately describe chronic suicidality when you can lump us in with attention-seeking mentally ill people with serious abandonment issues. That’s way lazier and easier.
Anna,
I almost didn’t publish this comment because it contains inaccuracies about borderline personality disorder, but then I decided it’s a good opportunity to try to dispel some myths.
You imply that people with borderline personality disorder make hollow threats of suicide only as a means to manipulate others. While this might occur in some people (whether or not they have borderline personality disorder), the reality is that people with borderline personality disorder have one of the highest suicide rates of all the diagnostic groups. One study found a suicide rate of 5.9%, which is higher than the rate of 2.2% among people with depression.
Borderline PD is characterized mostly by unstable moods, behaviors, and self-image. More than anything, BPD involves terrible mental pain. I’ve seen it compared to hemophilia, where a slight wound can cause profuse bleeding. People with borderline PD are hurting. Some may be manipulative toward others as a means to try to manage their pain or change others’ behaviors. However, manipulation isn’t a symptom of borderline PD listed in the DSM, and many people resort to manipulation who don’t have BPD. Likewise, abusing another person isn’t a symptom of BPD. I’ve treated many, many people with borderline personality disorder and they were abusive toward only one person in the world: themselves. Meanwhile, many of the abusive people I’ve encountered over the years didn’t merit the diagnosis at all. (You can see a summary of the symptoms here.)
It’s true that impulsivity, anger, and unstable relationships are symptoms of BPD. But somebody can have BPD without having any of those symptoms. There are 9 symptoms, and a person needs only 5 to meet the diagnosis. You mention fear of abandonment, and this is a prominent symptom among many people with borderline personality disorder, but not everybody with BPD has a fear of abandonment.
Thanks for sharing here and giving me the chance to clear up some misconceptions about this very painful disorder. In case you’re interested, I wrote more about BPD in my essay Should We Abolish the Diagnosis of Borderline Personality?
Ben,
Thanks for sharing here. I’m sorry you’ve struggled for so long and don’t find enjoyment in life.
You said my advice presumes everyone with chronic suicidal ideation has borderline personality disorder. I assume you’re saying that because I recommended mindfulness and other coping skills, and these are part of dialectical behavior therapy (DBT), and DBT was originally developed for people with borderline personality disorder. However, now DBT is used with a huge array of people who don’t have borderline PD, because the skills are useful for everybody.
I agree with you that somebody could have the best coping skills in the world, including the ability to be mindful and detached from their thoughts, and still have chronic suicidal ideation. It’s a habit of the mind, often born from repeated suffering, trauma or mental illness. I’m grateful you’re still here.
Ive had those thoughts most of my life . My childhood was terrible and my adult hood hasnt been any better ! I use to think that maybe i could commit some type of crime that could get me executed but i dont have it in me to commit those type of crimes or any crimes nor the desire to . My only choice i could take is to find out i have cancer or something and not fight it .
You know that’s what the term “suicide by cop” refers to more directly, although it’s been totally misused by police who kill people with mental health issues, claiming someone was a deadly threat that provoked cops to kill them, when I’ve seen many times it’s simply incompetent police work.
Anyway, it’s sad but comforting that so many here understand what you feel.
I have them every day. I cry every day. My wife left. We have to sell our home. We have a 7 year old son. I miss her so much. We’ve known each other since childhood. It’s constant torture; and when I sleep, I have nightmares. I don’t know how long I can take it.
Hi
I was wondering if you have an instagram account – I’d love to share some of this on instagram. Would that be okay?
Hi, you’re welcome to share material from here on Instagram, with proper credit. I don’t use Instragram so I don’t know how it works, but if you could link back to where the material is on this site, that would work. Thanks for checking!
As someone that’s posted on this thread… What’s makes you want to share our pain on Instagram? Do you suffer in this way as well? Or just find it amusing?
A. Rose,
I understood the question to come from the poster’s desire to share my articles, not to share others’ pain. If that’s the case, the intention is to help others.
I can’t be here anymore and I don’t want to. I’m so exhausted, and explaining why is worthless because there is no long term solution, I’ve tried everyfuckingthing and now I’m 46, so it’s been 40+years of depression and worthlessness and loneliness and excruciating pain. No one can seriously expect a seriously depressed person to just keep going- and there’s a lot of expectation on the mentally ill to fix themselves. Not realistic, practical, or clinically even possible besides.
Have I said I’m exhausted? I need it to end. Life just isn’t for everyone and anyone, and I ain’t cut out for this traumatic shitty existence. It’s obvious now that someone was asleep at the switch when I was born, and I’d like to punch them in the eye. I really do wish there was effective help, but that is the biggest lie of all. Nature weeds out the unfit, and I need it to weed me immediately because I am sick, exhausted, incapable, and worthless and a benefit to no one. I gotta go.
RK,
How incredibly painful to hurt so much about yourself and life. You say it’s a lie that there’s effective help, which makes it unclear whether you’ve received help or whether the help you received was ineffective. Even if you’ve had unhelpful therapy or medication, there are many different types, and another might be helpful. I hope you’ll try. The level of self-hatred you voice in your comment understandably is too painful to bear, and there are other pathways to relief besides death. Thanks for sharing here.
Also, I’ll add: You’re funny. Even with how painful your words are, I chuckled a tiny bit when I read, “It’s obvious now that someone was asleep at the switch when I was born, and I’d like to punch them in the eye.” You have something to offer by sharing your experience and connecting with others who suffer. Please stay.
You’re asking him to stay and suffer that’s just heartless of you
Bo,
That’s an interesting take. I don’t view his options as dichotomous: either suffer or die. I believe there’s a wide spectrum of options, one of which, yes, is to suffer, and one of which is to die. And there are other options, too, one of which is to receive effective help and experience relief. That is what I hope for here.
Effective help unfortunately isn’t available for some of us
She just doesn’t get it, does she?
I’ve been on this thread for 3 years now and I seriously had too start reading your comment from the beginning half way through because I thought this was my posting, lol I’ll be 35 in May so when I saw,”I’ve been dealing with depression etc for 40 something years now” that’s when I knew for sure it wasn’t me.. idk what I’m saying, I still struggle too obviously but this made me laugh and some days that’s all it takes sometimes so thank you whoever you are R.K. maybe you saved my life today… To anyone struggling Dr. Jordan B. Peterson (find him on YouTube) is changing my life! And I struggle and battle with BPD amongst other things so I’m pretty qualified to say if something works FOR SOMEONE NOTHING WORKS FOR. It’s very worth checking out.. Thank you R.K. seeing your comment today I didn’t feel that sickening extra aloneness in my relationship with suicide today..
I know what you mean. When life is more of a chore than a happy anticipation it’s not worth it. Constant pain is not living and I cannot force myself into happiness. I did not choose for my my brain to react the way it does. Depression is NOT a choice. Just know you are not alone and if I choose to end it it’s not because I don’t love others but because the pain physically hurts. Cancer of the brain.
Brian I’m gonna quote you,When life is more of a chore than a happy anticipation it’s not worth it. Constant pain is not living and I cannot force myself into happiness. I did not choose for my my brain to react the way it does. That hit home HARDDDDD FOR ME HOLY CRAP! I know we all think we’re so alone and no one gets the fucking little mental agony when people have that for huge chunks of their lives or it’s been there since as long as they could remember but there’s a unity in this which is the point of the thread but, thank you for sharing your pain because it echos deep in me too… Comment back Brian hope ur well
Hi A.Rose,
I’m Lisa….not Brian… not that it matters. Thank you for sharing your pain as well. Depression is strange. One day I feel semi okay and that I can face this world with some sort of , what’s the word?, normalcy? And some days it’s seems so pointless. I’m glad I found this thread. I do feel less alone thanks to people like you willing to share your deepest feelings. Sometimes I wish people in my life could feel what I do. Not because I want them in pain, but so they can completely understand this kind of pain, if only for a few moments. That this is not a choice. And for them to accept me, even on my darkest days. I know I would accept them. Hope you are having one of those semi okay days today.
Having a pet helps. My rescued pigeon was my best friend. He’d had a broken wing and needed safety. I took him to the vet and gave him a place to live. He brought joy into my life just for being him and made suicidal ideation less persistent. I had something to see everyday that was loving, grumpy, needy and fun to take care of and help get better.
Robin,
It’s wonderful that caring for an injured bird nourished you in this way. I highly advise anyone who’s able to have a pet to get one. Personally, I’m partial to cats, but any animal that you care for, connect with, touch, and love can make one’s life much, much better.
Here >a link to a Facebook page dedicated to our cats, in case you’re interested: http://www.facebook.com/calicosisters. They definitely are, for me, a major reason for living, surpassing even the mountains and ocean in importance.
I have experienced your thoughts. I have had a dog or dogs for the past 30 years and will not get another when I lose my soon to be 13 year old “baby.” Because of my old age I will not get another, because it would not be fair to a new dog. I have no one to take a dog, if suddenly something were to happen to me. He has literally been my “lifeline” and I cannot imagine my life without him. I got him at age 3 and he has some SERIOUS mental health issues also…I would guess from some major abuse. I just pray I outlive him…
I have felt suicidal now for 18 years. My head started talking during a sexual assault and said to me “you’re raping me right now” (I was the “victim”) after that, the replaying of the incident and a long argument ensued. It was 18 years ago. I am not out of that room. I was diagnosed with PTSD (but I don’t believe I have it). I can’t leave the room with abusive men that I’m locked in my head where I feel like I’m the captive of a sexual sadist monster. I showered in my swimsuit for along time listening to inappropriate grunts about my body roll through my head. I was badly bullied when I reported it. I’d never attempted suicide before but within a year, I had tried. I’ve tried with different methods. I have been unable to enjoy life. I have lost jobs due to the screaming match on in my mind of “don’t call me an abusive man” “you deserved it”. It never shuts up. I mutter under my breath about “sex offender”. I’ve generally lost my life. I go through drinking binges (when I don’t feel like drinking) just to get away from him. He doesn’t leave, the shaming continues day and night like. I’d rather have lost my legs than lost my mind and become suicidal, isolated and lifeless due to them.
[This comment was edited per the Comments Policy. – SF]
Robin,
Your situation sounds so very painful — hellish, even. Truly, a living hell. You don’t mention if you’ve received therapy. I imagine you have, given the trauma you experienced. I wonder if you’ve tried trauma-specific therapy. In particular, EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing) might prove helpful.
I apologize for the delay in approving your post. I needed to edit it to remove the language about specific suicide methods you’ve tried. Media recommendations advise against providing such specific detail. Also, I removed your full name, but if you’d like for me to put it back, please let me know; your comment is of such a sensitive nature that I wondered if you understood your full name would be published if I’d approved it as-is.
I wish for you healing and peace. Thank you for sharing here. You’ve helped someone else in a similar situation (I’m certain there are others) to feel less alone (I’m certain of this, too). I hope it helped you, too.
I’ve been fighting suicidal ideation constantly for a long time. It’s taking it’s toll on my psyche. I can’t fathom why you people keep saying life is worth living. What the fuck is worthwhile? It’s the same shit on repeat. Every fucking day for 35 years and god knows how much longer after. I have traveled, I have done things, but it all feels the same. Hollow. Repetitive. Anguishing. I’m tired of this constant feeling of being on repeat.
I know how that feels…
Me too. I am just coming to the realization I have a problem. Deep emotional hurt that I have been living with for 30+ years and I am now 58. I just want to run away…
The thoughts do not go away. I’ve had them for as long as I can remember but it’s gotten worse in the last few years. It’s like a loud noise, and they pop up whenever they want. If my mind is empty for an instant, a “You should kill yourself” or a “you’re an asshole; you should just die”. All the time, almost every day. I seem to always keep sabotaging myself from making friends and relationships so that I’m always by myself so my head can scream “Die asshole” to me. I have my method in my closet; I can just drive away somewhere and never come back. I don’t know what’s keeping me alive: shit job where I’m always worried I’ll be fired, no friends, family or significant other who I can talk to. The thoughts are so loud. What can help.
I’ve had this for about 2 years now. I’ve suffered with clinical depression for about 25 years. I’m just sick of life now, it’s never going to get better.
No name,
I’m sorry you’re in so much pain and feeling hopeless about it ever getting better. There’s a support group online for people with chronic suicidal thoughts and it might be helpful: https://chronicsuicidesupport.com/.
I hope you’re wrong and things do get better for you. Thanks for sharing here.
That was excellent.
I have been suicidal since I was 9 and figured out running away from home wasn’t an option. My motto to myself was “Don’t think, Don’t feel, Don’t be. I first tried suicide at age 20. Very ineffective attempt. Multiple hospitalizations in my 20’s with serious attempts. Years in and out of therapy. Had two involuntary commitments. Currently in therapy. Bipolar, seasonal depression, and daily periods of intense anxiety. See Psychiatrist who tells me I’m on highest dosages of my medications. Get 30 pills a month of Clonazepam. Stockpiling but still taking them when I can’t handle the incessant anxiety. I made the mistake of sharing with my partner. She is supportive of me but I get tired of making her miserable too. We haver been together 29 years. I am now 70 and she is 61. She’s a misfit and so am I. We have few friends and depend on each other for survival. She doesn’t think about suicide but understands why I do. She knows I am stockpiling so I’m going to tell her I threw them all out and will take them from now on as prescribed. I’ll hide them instead because I don’t want her to get in trouble when I do kill myself. I have diabetes and know I can always shoot up my insulin along with my pills. I don’t want to leave her behind which is what keeps me going. I worry about finances all the time. I guess I really worry about something all the time. I rarely have a good day where I feel “normal.” My physical health is going downhill. I can’t walk far and have physical pain. I feel isolated a lot. My partner works out of town and I miss her but am annoyed when she’s home and wants to spend time with me. I don’t know why I’m writing this except that I have no other way to share how I really feel.
I will address you as dear sweet soul,
Because that’s what you are. I understand how consuming your anguish is and has been your entire life. Firstly let me thank you for sharing your message with us. You didn’t have to and in doing so you are strengthening your viewers. It saddens me to know the capacity of your anxiety, depression and sorrow. You are not Alone. How are you doing this morning? I hope you know there are people in this life that Love and need you. I hope you know that you’re an incredible person and your life has impacted many in a positive way along this journey. My heart goes out to you. Please give an update on how you are. You are in my thoughts today. Your struggles are very real and have been your entire life. Yet look, you’ve held on and are so strong because of it. I’m so sorry you’ve suffered so. I Truly am. I hope in some way this will help you. Please STAY. <3
Suicide is bad. I have not been diagnosed with depression, personality disorder etc. have never taken meds, have never been to therapy but I honestly don’t think it will make a difference and at this point, I would rather take the back door. Suicide thoughts have been with me since I was 13 and I am now 21. I recently just graduated from a really good University in UK with top grades yet I feel like I have achieved nothing. I was someone shocked when I felt no sense of happiness or pride when seeing my results, even though that was one of my main motives in Uni for doing well. In fact that was the only thing stopping me from committing in the first place. I would spend hours in my room studying because when I was so consumed with study, I had little room left for suicidal thoughts. I am now at a point where I am struggling to find jobs and I allocate the rest of my time for attempting futile means to end my life at home. Every time I fail an attempt I feel even more hopeless. I currently have no friends, turns out people don’t like hanging around with others that go through depression or have suicide thoughts. I can never get anywhere in life if I keep fixating on how to end it, I just hope that if I keep trying I will eventually succeed at some point. But as i mentioned before, I think suicide is bad. Trying to explain why it’s wrong to a person going through those thoughts is difficult. “why should I care about people who care about me when I’m dead, I won’t have to witness their suffering right?”. To all those that have ever attempted and failed you need to understand that perhaps there is a good reason why you failed. Your body naturally tries to resist it and your body naturally tries to resist bad things like viruses and bacteria etc. That might be a good indication that where you end up going after suicide is not a desirable place. People say that the moment someone has kicked the chair from underneath their feet, or the moment their feet leave the surface and they are plummeting to their doom, the only thing they think about is how to ‘undo’ their actions. Perhaps there’s a good reason for this we just don’t know. Suicide is a gamble, and a very bad one at that. We yearn to do it because we don’t want to face the ‘unknowns’ of the future. For example, how long will this pain last, how much more pain will I endure, how worse will my condition get etc. Yet if we are trying to escape such ‘unknowns’ then is it reasonable to dive into a whole universe of unknowns by committing? What I’m trying to say is that we don’t know what suicide is like, there may be an infinite amount of possibilities of what happens to you if you die but there aren’t an infinite amount of possibilities about what happens if you live. I still think about this gamble every day and still foolishly believe that suicide will solve all my issues and will be the ultimate escape from my pain but I know that it probably won’t.
Hello my name is Somon.I would like to express to you that your life is worth living, no matter what the situation may be,you are a gracious human being.As I was reading what you wrote,I felt something in my chest.I must reach out and express how valuable your life is.You’re an radiant light,and light cancels out darkness.let your light shine and know that your life is full of purpose.When times get rough and overwhelming, just know that you have the inner strength to pull through any situation.You are loved,please remember that.You have your whole life ahead of you,enjoy it you are forever worthy.
Hello Somon,
That sounds good in theory but unfortunately I, and I will speak only for myself, do not respond to “you are beautiful and life is worth living” statements. I have been without depression in my life and know what happiness is. I now suffer depression and my brain no longer works the same. The brain actually shrinks with depression. I believe that we can help our brains heal with certain regimens like yoga, supplements, etc. These may help but not always. In my case anti depressants caused my depression. I wanted something for anxiety and was prescribed anti depressants. They were not the answer for me and made my brain worse. I believe in some cases anti depressants are the answer, but NEVER “your life is worth living and you are loved”. Of course I am loved and I love others! This has nothing to do with depression. Sorry but those kind of antidotes help rarely if ever.
Thank you for sharing. Stay with us.
I wrote my will today, I wrote a note for my husband, I picked a location and a way to kill myself the only thing that stopped me was that my young daughter was coming home, I hate feeling the way I do , I feel alone, angry,hurt,misunderstood,in mental pain and just tired, I cant remember the last time that any activity I did actually made me happy, what the fuck is wrong with me why am I so weak, Why am I so pathetic ? I’m scared of telling anyone I know how I feel due to the stigma attached I don;t want to be known as that loony women I dont want medication to dictate how I feel, I just want to understand why, I know that the feelings will come back and next time will there be an excuse?
Are you still here?
Hey, I’m here for you and you’re not alone. Let’s talk.
Beautiful soul,
You are a beautiful soul! You are a Mother. You are Incredible! You Are Not Pathetic. I’m so glad you shared your story with us! I ask that you please give us an update on how you are lately.
I need you to know that you are not alone. I’m deeply sorry you feel so alone, angry, hurt and misunderstood, and tired. I Completely Understand. Can we make plans to do something that would make you happy? Let’s honor you and bring you the immense amounts of joy that you deserve.
You Are Not the “Loony Woman” please know this is is true. Please talk to me. You are Not alone. I need you to Please Stay. Please. I need to hear back from you and know how you’re doing. You are SO Loved. So so loved and cherished.
Dear Anonymous,
I feel exactly the same way. Nothing makes me truly happy. I have good experiences but the next day I can feel deflated. I also feel pathetic, and I also know deep down that mental illness is like cancer. I cannot control the pain. I think something that bothers me is that if someone actually does have cancer there is a great support system. No one knows what to do for someone suffering from a mental disorder. They say that suicide is not the answer, I honestly believe that it may be the answer for the sufferer but not their family. It would cause them great pain… but my family has no idea how painful my illness can be. Sometimes I wish I could do assisted suicide, My family being there knowing it will take me out of my pain and also giving them closure. I do not want medication either and I also feel like a loon. I hope you have found peace, but I must say, is peace available for us? Will this ever go away? I am now 60 and knew in my 20″s there was a problem. Is this worth it? Would love to correspond with you. I could use a friend who understands.
Lisa,
I’m sorry you’re suffering so badly. There’s an online support group for people with chronic suicidal thoughts that might interest you called Chronic Suicide Support: chronicsuicidesupport.com/. It has a forum where you can talk to others who have had suicidal thoughts for a long time, often many years.
I list other resources for help at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Please take care, and thanks for reaching out here.
Thank you Stacey. I have contacted suicide hotlines before and they can be helpful. The last one threatened to call EMT’s! Not good to threaten someone who is suicidal with anything! I think most of us just need a safe place to vent.
I will look into your kind resource suggestion if I feel that bad again. Your forum is priceless!!
Thank you, Lisa! I agree that many people need someone to listen to them share their problems & pain without judgment, persuasion, threats, etc. It can be frightening to bear witness to another’s pain. It’s also meaningful and so, so worth it.
Thanks, too, for your compliment about the site. I appreciate your sharing here. ❤️
Hi I can understand perfectly well I am not happy with my life I have suffered with anxiety depression and panic disorder I don’t like going out I avoid people as much as possible I don’t like people I’m not a people person but I hate myself I always have I self harm when im angry hurt or upset people say I’m beautiful what a load of crap I hate my body I feel sick when I look at myself my partner says nothing wrong with you bullshit I have never liked me I suffered a lot when I lost my dog 7 years ago I was probably ill before then but I am not coping with life nothing anyone says to me I believe I walk down busy roads in the middle of traffic I hit metal posts with my hands I have even cracked my own ribs with a boot I hit and punch me I hate me I have tried to jump off a bridge took pills and alcohol to the river with my dog’s ashes I struggle with the thought of suicide dally don’t tell me it’s selfish I don’t care my so called partner has done something inexcusable I feel when I know the truth I won’t want to be here as I know I can’t and don’t want to live with the pain and hurt he denies it but I know what I saw I will try to talk to him but if its true I won’t be here anymore I know how this sounds but I am finding it hard to deal with I have tried to cope but I don’t know how much longer I can hold on once I know I’m out of this shitty crap useless waste of space horrible ugly vile hideous body that i truly wish I had never been born that they should have let die when I was a baby in an incubator I really wish I hadn’t had to live nothing interests me I hate music books TV computers no hobbies no friends no life i hate the world please stop it so I can get off
I’m not trying to convince anyone that suicide is “wrong” or “right” in general. I think this is an immensely personal matter–maybe life’s most personal matter. I also won’t detail the many risks of becoming formally involved with the mental health system. These are available online, including legal briefs and professional recountings by well-experienced, licensed psychiatrists-advocates like Wisconsin’s Dr. Gail Tasch. But what I think more of us need to be discussing far more often is the hard empirical evidence that chronic poverty and its associates like chronic underemployment or unemployment, homelessness, and lack of sufficient survival resources–all these things significantly increase suicide risk. So far, most of mental health’s interventions, and online articles, focus on the individual. How to think differently. How to change expectations, or the way someone responds to stress. But we’re not addressing effectively many of the growing problems that contribute to “chronic suicidality.” Like lack of affordable housing and the constant stresses of moving month-to-month or even more frequently; not having a stable, safe home. Or the attrition of community as more of us constantly desperately seek out “side gigs” to complement stagnant or falling wages as it gets harder and harder to survive in a country that boasts little or no job security or paid sick leave. Or the medically documented survival risks research throughout the US, especially from NYC recently, has divulged as attributable to group-identity (in practice, decent health care is not an entitlement, it turns out).
There are so many very good reports online by the poor, the homeless, and the chronically struggling themselves about how one or two major set-backs in a culture that offers far too precarious a safety support network can lead to worsening lifelong poverty and even homelessness. Compounding this, as people get older, they often very quickly become unemployable–despite laws against ageism that’s so extremely difficult to prove in court. So we shouldn’t be treating chronic suicidality merely as if it were an individual-level problem. There are many systemic problems our research already tells us that contribute to chronic suicidality. Why aren’t we changing them? I suspect it’s because it’s easier to make the individual the problem instead of the large financial and social systems the individual is a small piece of. And, sadly, many citizens and powerful parties just don’t care about the mental health effects on the rest of the community from the policies that benefit them. But without effectively addressing these large systemic contributants to suicide, I don’t think things are going to improve substantially.
This is so well stated. Technology as a cause of dysphoria is real and mental health hasn’t been able to keep up. I believe that DBT can create periods of being above air for a while.
I wonder if therapeutic models are evolving to suit the realities of logarithmic progress, histories written in ink and not pencil. Omnipotent surveillance.
When a sitting congressperson can wantonly text a constituent and invade their thoughtspace, DBT would teach one to dissociate from the suffering of thought (politics). But because the same device is sometimes needed for social or workplace acceptance (give me your number so I can text you arbitrarily about my work or personal life). Slick-minded therapists and technologists can strategize a clickbait worthy 10 steps on how to develop mindfulness. But you do it and you find distractions and you giggle sometimes about what you read in the face of your options.
And yeah, sometimes you just don’t wanna push the boulder up the hill anymore. Or you age out. Or you were bullied as a kid and it seemingly followed you all your life (it does, ask anyone lucky enough to be in a nursing home who the bullies are.)
Life is good til it ain’t.
I am highly intrigued by your post. The wording you chose and the way you write.
Highly Intrigued. Thank you for your post.
I would add to this: our culture of extreme individualism, and rampant internet and screen addiction making everyone distracted from the actual flesh and blood people present in their midst. Everything is progressing towards less real human contact. No wonder so many people feel isolated, alone. For many of us “talking” to a fellow human being has been replaced by interacting with boxes of text. We think this is social contact but it’s not. This is disastrous for the brain of a social species, evolved over millennia to see and hear and touch and be seen and be heard and be touched by many hands, more than just an extended family, a tribe. No amount of “therapy” can reverse the shifting cultural circumstances that has made being known and loved, or even just known, or even just the stability of being surrounded by familiar faces a much, much more difficult circumstance to attain in this hyper-mobile, hyper-competitive society than what a human being would ever have had to grapple with for 99.9% of our history as a species. It is too easy now to be forgotten or discarded by people who once knew us, as a tsunami wave of other more attractive options flood through their lives. (Or to ourselves walk away from relationships too easily, hung by our own rope of imagining there will always be another on the horizon — and then, surprise!: there isn’t, for years or decades or ever.) Too many of us have ended up going years or decades just being alone alone alone almost all the time, crossing paths only of strangers to whom our existence is utterly irrelevant. We are broken by this, and no wonder.
As somebody who’s been battling depression, anxiety, OCD and borderline personality disorder, and have reoccurring thoughts of suicide since childhood (I’m now 55), and have been on virtually every class of antidepressant and anti anxiety medication known only to afford me no relief whatsoever, I’ve been “christened” medication resistant by the psychiatric profession. I’ve been through the entire route of talk therapy. I don’t know which was worse the bad side effects of the antidepressants and Klonopin, or the one way action in talk therapy. All I can say is that all of the years and years of seeking therapy only made me financially drained and MORE depressed. Horray for those who’ve “made it after all” with their therapy and drug combos, but there are many of us who’ve been left to feel like a penny waiting for change with no light and the end of the tunnel. The older I get the more at ease I feel with the mounding effect of ending my life. I don’t fear death. The thought of being expunged into a permanent state of nothingness soothes my frazzled mind. I only fear surviving a suicide attempt and being left in a vegative state. Now that scares the sh@@ out of me. That’s the main reason I’m still alive. I suppose if I had access to a method to end my life with certainty then that’d be a different story. Until then…….
Ditto. Felt this way for a long time.
So agree with you there…that would be just my luck, too
Mark,
I could have written every line of your post. Every line rings true. “Medication Resistant.” “One way talk therapy.” Side effects. Financially drained and more depressed. I’m on four meds right now that actually do feel like they’re working, but that hasn’t stopped me looking over the edge into the black bottomless pit of endless despair. In my case, it’s my wife of 31 years and our two sons that keep me hanging on.
I felt what you wrote like it was me. I hope i don’t get much older i am 31 . I have 2 dogs, both of them were abandoned, i’m still alive because they need me, i won’t let them down. But when they die i’m out. I’m not sure about my dogs age, i’m hoping they don’t live much, cause i am ready to go to that nothingness.
Maria, I’m sorry you want to die soon. I know I’m being simplistic, but reading your comment, I had the thought, “But there are so many other abandoned dogs out there that you could help in the years to come.” I know it’s simplistic because that knowledge doesn’t make your pain any less. I hope you will consider talking with someone about your troubles, if you haven’t already. I hope you will fight for your life. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 is available all the time, as is the Crisis Text Line at 741741.
I’m constantly suicidal,have addictive personality,loss of my identity and am on disability for major depression,anxiety, and PTSD..is DBT an option for me?.Going to start a new therapist and psychiatrist..i am now homeless,live in my truck and drink a lot of beer to take the edge of in the evening..life is difficult(Scott Peck)..i need guidance,help,..i live to fight another day..btw,I will pray for all of you..your comments help..thank you
Yes! Anything you may feel will work for you ,you should try… I’m not trying to play Dr.but look into BPD(borderline personality disorder) most people are misdiagnosed please look into it I’ve had my diagnosis for 14 years .. bpd also carries an unsettling battle with suicidality…. Hope you look into it ..it’s a known fact in bpd world that the majority of drs are very ill equiped to deal with a bpd patient ..
Wow. I had to look up at the name halfway through because I could have written this. I also fear ‘failing’ suicide. Only reason I don’t try. I wish there was a pill, that dissolved on your tongue, that made you go to sleep and die. I’d take it in a heartbeat. And I’ve been in therapy for almost 3 years. I love her and she’s tried to help me as much as she can, but she can’t change the fact I have no friends or family, that I’m completely alone. I cry all day. I sleep as much as I can because that’s the only thing that takes the pain away.
I hear you and understand. Life is so much more difficult with no family or loved ones. It breaks my heart to read your post. To know how deep your suffering and anguish are. I’m deeply sorry. Please know that you are not alone. Please reply back if you wish to talk. I’m here! I just saw your message in my email notification. Please stay! Please stay!!
I understand your feelings about a failed suicide. I too am afraid to fail also. I’ve been in therapy since 2012. I have attempted it twice and as you can see I’m still here. Right now I have a plan and the means to do it. My therapist is the only one that’s stopping me from doing any harm to myself. In fact, She is my only friend that I have. I am Manic Depressive Bipolar and I think about Suicide everyday.
I am married but keep these thoughts to myself and don’t let my wife know the feelings I have right now. I want to die but don’t want to die, if that makes sense? I made a promise to my therapist that if these thoughts become overwhelming I would go to the emergency room at the local hospital if she would come along with me, which she said she would. I know I would voluntarily commit myself for a 72 hour intervention. I’ve done this once before. I presently take 4 psych meds. Lithium, Effexor, Trazodone and Seroquel and still have these thoughts of doing self harm.
Please, if you ever have thoughts of harming yourself please go to the emergency room at your local hospital. They will help you threw this crisis as they helped me before.
I have always had suicidal thoughts. If it weren’t for my 2 children, I would already be gone. Therapy is a joke. My job is made up of a bunch of misogynists who are determined that I not make it to retirement. I have 23 years in and only have 5 more to go. They are ramping up the pressure. Why did I have children? I could have already been gone. I should probably quit, but refuse to give them the satisfaction.
I have suicidal thoughts, it hurts to admit this. I believe I suffer from histrionic Personality disorder, I remember my earliest feelings of this disorder started when I was involved with a boy at 16 who was in love with another girl, i tried my best to be more similar to her so that he would favor me more, even tho he already had a liking for me for who I was. I was still a virgin then.. once i did lose my virginity and me and this same guy were finally intimate I remember this one time vividly where I wanted to make this one sexual encounter unforgettable so i acted kinda devious while having sex, scratching his back even tho he was a terrible lay. Sorry for the details but I want people to understand how this mental disease makes you feel. Like you need love and sex even tho the sex can be terrible, the temporary satisfaction and attention is the main desire. We went from being young sweethearts writing poems to a relationship based on bad sex from my end, im sure he was enjoying it completely. My first love who i was dating off and on while seeig this guy was a narcissist that taught me in relationships all i was good for was sex and i still havent healed from and its been 10 years. I feel super immature to be writing like this but the things I encountered with these little boys have stunted my growth and I feel very low about myself. Reading your real stories about health scares and more dramatic things makes me feel worthless for wanting to end my life but i still cant stop the feelings of not wanting to live. All men cheat and i never can tell if someone loves me or just using me for sex. So many people are dying and i have the more bitter outlook on life. I feel sick in the mind. Ive done yoga and meditation but i feel i have a faulty brain. Everything works temporarily. I never stay healthy for long.
what you fail to address here is how painful it can be to have repetitive bouts of suicidal thinking. i am 66 and have been living with this since i was twelve. i have researched and refined my suicide plans, stockpiled medication, i even joined an organization in sweden which will provide assisted suicide for depression. every 5 or 10 years i have several months of obsessive suicidal planning. i’ve gone as far as writing letters to people who might feel guilty absolving them of guilt, which i still have on my computer. i’ve devoted myself to endless and varied psychotherapies and have been on various medications for the last 20 years. now i find myself trapped in a 7 years and counting depression. seems i can no longer pull myself out as i used to, and of course i am planning again. depression has stolen my life. i wish i had killed myself when i realized i was not likely to ever be free from depression or have a normal life, which i became very clear about by the age of 23. instead i looked for help and tried every single thing available to cure this terrible blight on my life. i did have periods, sometimes a few years at a time, of being pretty happy, but no lasting happiness or normal feelings of worthiness. now at 66 i am without family, and the persistence of this episodes has robbed me of friends and even the ability to work
i’ve been on every medication available and i no longer see any effect.
the point i want to make is that living a life where i want to die so often and for so long has been hell. the obsessive thinking and planning is IN ITSELF awful, and then the let down when one can neither bring the plans to fruition nor stop having them is its own special hell.
Wow, Jean, you spoke for me too here.
Sounds like me and the worse happens, as near arrested for trying to get help for these thoughts by speaking to someone for a few seconds
Hi Jean. Your life sounds very much like mine. I’m also 66, live alone as my 2 children don’t want anything to do with me. My 1st beautiful grandson died at 22 months old. I did feel happy then seeing his beautiful face. And he truly loved me & was glad to see me & he needed me too. I have been hospitalized in psychiatric hospital 4 times, 6 rounds of electric shock & am resistant to antidepressants & mood stabilzer. 2 mg of ativan helps a little with the panic. I worked at Ford Motor Co for 26 years as an engineering analyst in Dearborn, Michigan until permanent disability in June of ’98. I was involved in a church for 30 years, went Sun. am, Sun. pm, Wed. pm & Thurs. pm. A vicious rumor started in the church that I was a lesbian. First I’ll say that I have no ill will toward those with different life styles. But at church I was told I made them sick and had to leave. This has devastated me almost as much as my grandson dying. They were family, actually my only and the house of God was my sanctuary. I have lived with thoughts of suicide since 15. I did take out all my meds. line them up to take, my son was only 3 then, got scared & called my Dr. at 2:00 am & he admitted me. My family, friends are tired & worn out with me. I am diagnosed with Bipolar, have 3 types of epilepsy & a tumor in my left temporal lobe. I could fall dead in my apt. and no one would come to check to see if I’m ok except Mgr. I guess. This battle has been ranging so very long and I no longer feel I have the energy & mental fortitude to fight much longer. Thx. for listening. God Bless You
As the mama of an adult daughter who has had suicidal ideations/illness for 20 years, I try to read & learn as much as I can…every day we have her is a blessing…we are very involved in her life?
I have been feeling more and more isolated and suicidal. I dont have many friends. A few weeks back over the phone I reached out to one of them explaining what happened and we talked, she calmed me down and I had asked if she would check on me, at least by message. That was on 10/1. Since then no message and when I tried reaching out, I get “Im busy” each time. That was what upset me in the first place. She also knew this and she was not the only friend doing this to me. Since then, I feel more and more alone than I did before. I feel awkward to make friends and feel “if these friends will always say Im busy when I need them, whats stopping anyone else from hurting me more?” I had previously had therapy and it did not work. Same with medication and other stress and anxiety reducing methods. I even called the National Suicide Hotline, this did not help either. All this makes me feel like is, I cannot trust anyone, that I am alone, and I am the one being a bad friend. I cannot stop those thoughts. My last resort is to reach out to anyone out there who will listen. People generally toss me aside when done with me and dont stick around for long. I want to actually feel like I can wake up at least feeling okay rather than a weight weighing down on me and I want sleep without crying myself to sleep every night.
I empathize and relate deeply to what you have written.
I feel like damaged goods and have been told by many that I basically am. I’m treated like my condition is contagious…then I remember Suicide contagion and I can’t really blame them.
The only thing that brings me comfort is further isolation knowing that I will eventually be able to be truly alone and not hurt anyone.
Hi Stuart, I’m so sorry that you feel that way. If you ever need someone to talk to, I’d be happy to listen.
Can a person with a mild diagnosis form of intellectual disorder be able to arrest her attempts at suicide and gain control over her suicidal thoughts and attempts or does her inability to communicate and her level of understanding hinder her attempts to treat her suicidal thoughts. Or will she fall pray to her impulsivity over and over adding more attempts to end her pain and eventually die by suicide?
Rachel,
Yes, Impulsiveness is very dangerous. I’ve had it. The thought just pops into your head, no warning. You could be fine, happy, no thoughts of killing yourself. Then, just do it. I did. The thought of over-dosing on Tylenol hit me for the entire month of October last year. I tried but failed. My Psychiatrist and Therapist were pissed because I talked to them while doing it. Changed meds helped me. Again I tried only to wind up in the Hospital for 4 days. Please talk to your Doctor and Therapist. Certain meds do help. Once I started on Abilify, everything went away.
So do suicidal thoughts eventually go away for most?
Thank you for realising that suicidal ideation can be a comfort and not an emergency. I have often used suicidal ideation as a calming method: ‘there’s always a way out if needs be’. If I told others what I’m thinking they would panic, but i know that it’s just something that makes me feel better for a short while.
Anonymous, I have had many clients over the years who found comfort in knowing that they could end their life if their suffering became too bad. It’s good you recognize that your suicidal thoughts are a way to cope and not something you need to act on. Thanks for sharing!
Yes…it takes a lot of restraint to not panic!!!
I finally am getting why it is so important…..
Every day, every day, no matter what, taking meds, not taking meds it
doesn’t matter the pain is palpable. Giving so much of yourself to others and not getting it back, trying to act “normal” so you are not a bother to anyone. But the reality is you want to scream at the top of your lungs, “I am not ok”!!!! I don’t feel that the people I have cared for really give a damn! Life goes on, at least for them.
I give so much and very little comes back. You’re right. I am screaming out for help. I try to act normal so my wife doesn’t take away the means to kill myself or ask me how am I doing? But, I’m so stressed out for multiple reasons. I can’t relax but I’m also chronically tired all the time.
Anonymous, I’m sorry you feel so alone and so much pain. If you want to learn of places where you can get help by phone, text, email, or online chat, please check out the Resources page at speakingofsuicide.com/resources.
Nothing changes, it is only getting worse. I just want to kill myself. Last October I tried to kill myself with overdose on Tylenol. I took over 216,000 mgs during the month. Did anything happen? No! Crap! My Psychiatrist was mad at me when I told her. My Therapist (I’ve been with her for more than 9 years)was angry too. I see my Doctor every 6 weeks and Therapist once a week. Things got worse after that. Fast forward to July when I started to hear voices to kill myself. It( 1 voice) told me “Kill yourself”, “Let’s do it”, ” Come on, I know you want to do it”, “Let’s do it together”. Let’s do it together? Where the hell did that come from? I voluntarily committed myself with my Therapist coming along with me to the local Psych ward for 4 days. But, you know what? The same shit I was going through when I went in was the same shit when I got out. Now it’s August and everything seems to be swirling down the drain. I think about killing myself everyday. I just want everything to stop! The stress, anxiety, work, home, money, health, and thoughts, I just want it all to stop. I’m 61, married, Engineer & Production Manager, I’m not a stupid person. People say what will your wife say when I kill myself. Well, she’ll mourn but her life will go on without me. I still take my meds everyday which I thought will stop the thoughts? Effexor-XR(150mg), Lithium(1,200mg), Trazodone(300mg), Seroquel(200mg). Everyday before October I’ve had thoughts of killing myself. No body cares. Nobody can do anything for me.
Lance, I care. I hope you are able to get through this alive. You clearly are suffering and need relief. No doubt you already have the hotline numbers in your area (check the Resources page on this site, if not). I also recommend checking out some of the support groups on Facebook for suicide attempt survivors. Also the website http://www.chronicsuicidesupport.com. Connecting with others who are suicidal or who have attempted suicide can at least help you to feel less alone.
Thanks for posting here. Please let us know how you’re doing.
Thank you Stacey, but…no one can help. I’ve been at the local Hospital’s Suicide Behavioral Group. They go around the room asking how everyone is doing. Everyone has their own problems. Did it help me? No. No one really cares about anyone else. Their lives will continue on once I’m gone, so what’s the point? Do you know what? When I tell my Psychiatrist what exactly I’m thinking she tells me “Stop it Lance or I’ll 302 you!” I’m so depressed.
Most people are not aware that there is different levels of Suicide, even if ones get help, they might need continue help.
Tonya, you’re right. I’ve been getting continuous help since 2012 by a Doctor and Therapist and I still struggle everyday with thoughts. There have been times I attempted and also heard a voices in my head to kill myself. It just a continuous thought every day, throughout.
I hate it. The pain so deep. No logic to it. Rejection,abandonment,feeling so lost. Is it childhood shit influencing me to end this?No one to understand that I know to identify with validate me. I get things to do or just get over it! This is not the first time but it is the strongest . I just want to cut my wrist and watch the pain drain out. What a delusion. But so real. I want this to stop all of it. I don’t wish this existence on anyone. I feel so helpless to make things better
I understand your pain Elizabeth. Please hang on. I know it seems the pain is never ending. I wish for you to know how important your life is. Please know that you are not alone. Please reach out to me. ❤️
My ex gf keeps popping back into my life I don’t understand why she went back to her husband. She’s the one who doesn’t want the relationship. It had only been 3 months and she calls me just to tell me she didn’t want anything to do with me and wanted me to acknowledge her pain. Then she asked me” if I thought we could be together again in this reality? ” I foolishly answered with my heart. “Yes if I did some work on my end. ” she basically laughed at me. I hung up phone. She texted and emailed me that I was a coward for hanging up. She called me a coward over 12 times plus saying I was hopeless and helpless she knew I was severely depressed. I ended up changing my phone # because I struggle with wanting to burn and kill myself and she was triggering it. It seems as soon as I start to feel stronger she pops up. A month had past from that and she emailed me anonymously about telling truth and how it affects others and wrote it as a chain letter. I know how she talks I’ve had 14 years of it. I foolishly sent her a letter asking for a face to face for closer for truth telling. She put a nasty note in my car. Again I couldn’t take the rejection and insanity of it all and wanted to kill myself again. I went to stay with a friend so she could help me get through this. I vowed to stay NC. A week ago I just started to feel better and started to work more days. And was making arangments to come home and I’ll be damned if the first Monday that I started to work in 3 months she shows up at my work. I hear a voice behind me and there she was. Read me a note that she wrote in 3rd person from my Higher Power stating”gfs name”was a beat down, reluctant messenger…. And didnt want contact… And handed a card that said “I believe in you” inside she wrote for my HP that ” I will always love you and I miss you” HP and left. It messed my head up. I reacted. I know I’m screwed up with guilt and shame issues and can’t seem to let this, her go. I had a letter in my car that I had wrote a month ago explaining stuff. I put it on her car forgetting about her paranoia and the shit hit the fan. She really said some evil stuff to me. Its so hard to be logical with all these painful emotions in me. I can’t seem to talk myself into taking anymore antidepressants. The pain of this back and forth with her had triggered the want to die again. I can stay away from her as long as she does. She’s came to my work and my home. I want this to end and I don’t feel comfortable with a restraning order. If by 5/30 nothing changes I’m afraid I will give up. I want the pain to stop and I have no control
I don’t know if you’ll ever be able to read this. It sounds like she has a lot of issues, maybe narcissism. If you’re setting boundaries with her and trying to go no contact and she’s harassing you, you have rights. Do what you have to do to enforce your boundaries. Block her, tell her she needs to leave you alone and move on with her life and if she refuses to listen, it’s your right to file a restraining order for the sake of your own life and well being. She’s not entitled to mess with you or anyone else.
I have thoughts about suicide for years. I recently went through a sudden breakup when my partner left me for another. He said that I was a bitter person with no purpose in life. Ever since then I have been so ashamed of myself that it drove me to take a bunch of pills. Two weeks plus later, I am not any better.
The thoughts of suicide are so intense now, especially at night we I can’t sleep. I have been making plans, writing notes to people. I feel that my end is inevitable.
I have been feeling like committing suicide fo a while now: Half a year. What should I do?
???
Are you getting any professional help? Have you told any friends or family that you’re wanting to kill yourself? I recommend doing both, if you’re not already. You can also text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255. Whatever you do, please let someone help you!
I have never really been good making friends. Back when I was young, I had a group of friends, all died at young ages. A few unavoidable illness or accidents and the rest could have been avoided if I was there. After that, some tried being there and then suddenly they were gone. Some a few months, some years later. Eventually I was only down to a single friend who I could trust. Now, she won’t return my txt messages or my calls. Trying to push me out of their life. I am going to be alone, again? Is what I ask myself every night as I cry myself to sleep. I pretend this does not affect me at work, but its there. Everyday. Some days I want to just walk rightright into traffic, save the world the trouble. Or even just go to the inner city, mess with some street thug and get shot. I can never actually kill myself. That’s why I can never stop the pain. My whole reason for being alive died long ago. Only my coward nature is keeping me alive. My will to live is gone. There is possiblly an ounce of hope, but that comes from the people who I care about and they left me behind when I needed them the most. Maybe I am being childish, selfish, or even bitter to ask of my friends to be there or at least tell me if they can’t. Maybe my feelings don’t matter to people. Maybe the world really doesn’t need me anymore. Maybe I have served my purpose. This has been thought running through my head every day for many years. I have been through therapy and have contacted the sucide hotline on multiple occasions. I already know what it is I need, its not hard to do, its honesty from those around. Honestly, people blame me for bothering them when I try to reach out and make themselves out to be the victim. Maybe that’s the root cause of my friends pushing me away, or maybe I am the one who is to blame. I try to reach out and they respond that its unfair for me to do that “all the time”. I do not have many issues. This is from someone whom use to be close to me. I guess it doesn’t matter. They probably also think the same as everyone else, wothless, pathetic, useless. I use to not feel that about myself. I just accepted it. “If that’s how my friends think of me, then so be it.”
Never blame yourself for anything that someone else’s life unfolds! You are still here so Believe in a new awakening for you and you friends no matter alive or dead. They are asleep like some that are to our eyes in what we see are awake! Life is mysterious and we are here working with God and all that he made together!
God Bless You and Thank you for your inspiration to be stronger!
I really have no Idea how to even approach someone with this. My family makes me feel shit about myself pretty much constantly. My GF goes out all weekend doing god knows what while I sit at home with my 2 amazing children, acting like a single dad.
I confronted her about her antics last year and we broke up. And apparently, if your male, with children, and you break up with your partner, it means that you have to leave your home, your family, everything you know. So i got to be miserable for a few weeks before she begged me to go back, which i did. Now shes back out every weekend and Im a single dad in a relationship. I think about suicide pretty much every day. I even know the best way for me to do it. If I didnt have kids then I could have kicked her to the curb years ago. But Im stuck in this rut where i need to be with her and this god-awful relationship, so that I can be the one who watches my children while shes out partying every weekend. I feel like a mug. And more so i feel like im attention seeking writing this. But iv never told anyone any of this before. I dont know how to. And some days are soo hard i feel like a quick way out is probably the best option. I know its not tho. But when my mind goes to a dark place its hard to get back. I dont think my recollection will help anyone. But it actually felt freeing writing this out.
start documenting her behavior. You can keep the kids, the home, and move on with your life. visit a mens divorce forum. are the kids legitimated?
Research borderline personality disorder it sounds like your girlfriend might have it. It may help you deal with some of it. I found my gf has Bpd. I was so stuck on her and hate myself for it. I felt ashamed of myself because I let her get way with the disrespectful things she did. Reading about Bpd helped me know her behavior wasn’t because of me.
I can’t keep the good things going, but the problems never go away. My immediate family sees through me – I’ve told too many coverup lies. I have no distant family. I hate waking up every day, but the idea of actually hurting myself is absurd. I’d never do it. But still.
If you know that lying leads to more lies just try harder at not lying. It will be ok, shock your family they dont know the real you, only you do! I used to lie for the stupidest reasons but its not worth it I learned my lessons too many times and telling the truth and knowing the truth is so enlightening. Even when the truth makes people mad!
God Bless!
thank you stacey,
i will try to remember your advice.
life is not worth it. anyone else just not thrilled with the idea of continuing because well, life just isn’t worth it?
Life is worth it, if we did not have it we would not exist at all! Trust me I know it has it’s Evil but it also has it’s Good!
This Life we are experiencing now will lead us to a new Life soon that will be more than worth the wait!
BELIEVE!
Yes.
Yes Anonymous!
Yes what Beautiful?
That’s been my bag of beans for a long time, disguised as many things with many traumas but after objectifying it all I come back to the same conclusion: life is just shit and I hate it. If it wasn’t for collateral damage to friends and family I’d have been dead long ago
I feel like an attention seeker doing this, i always said if someone wants to kill themselves then just do it
I always said that if people cry out for help that is because there is a part of them that knows that they wanna live just cant seem to handle the pain. Give yourself a chance to live Everything will get better. Sending you prayers and everyone in the world.
God Bless!
I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was in primary school. I’m 29 now and for the past 7 years they have been the vast majority of my day, only being interrupted by flashbacks and trying to stop myself going into a panic attack.
I’ve been watching/reading up on beachy head, jumping from there is now my chosen method should I choose to do it.
Thoughts of upsetting family used to be enough to stop me from doing it. The only thing that’s stopping me now is a memory I have from being in a bad place a few years ago where I believe I actually died and went to hell. (I’m not and never have been religious)
The thought of going back there and for eternity this time, makes we wish i’d never been born and is enough to stop me buying a train ticket for the south.
Even without that memory I wish i’d never been born, but the realisation that there is potentially something much worse waiting for me when this is done is unbearable to think of. If I knew for a fact that the hell I saw was an hallucination then I wouldn’t be here now. I wish i’d let myself die back then.
I have struggled with depression as far back as I remember. My childhood was No way to start out a life. Molested beaten and thrown in a basement for what felt like days. At 7 I testified and put my grandparents in jail. Both of them for what they had done to me. After that family started to crumble away. My “mom” a drug addict made sure to start giving me pain killers at the ripe age of 8… I became depressed my parents split and I was left to live with a drug addict. Who ended up taking off and not hearing from for 5 years. Her new husband beat her , I saw him once jumped on him and punched him repeatedly until he finally threw me across the room. The last thing I remember is him shaking my moms bag of pills and threatening to flush them if she didn’t come back inside.. my mom left me out side on Christmas Eve.. I went back 2 days later to see her and she was gone. House empty no one knew anything.. I moved in with my “sister” & dad.. my father didn’t believe in depression. Everyday I was told to suck it up, get over it and constantly hear what is wrong with you. Growing up I was ashamed of myself had very limited friends and still had all the drug seeking problems that my mother left me with. Through this tho I managed to finish high school and graduate college with honors. Every moment of college I was either high or out partying. In and out of the Counseling. Counseling doesn’t help If you have no family to support you. After college I got pregnant had my daughter. 3 months later developed ovarian cancer and eventually had to lose all my reproductive organs.. I was 25.. this made me more depressed. I remember crying a lot and just being told To get the hell over it. I went back to work at my high paying job for a few months… I was out at the beach celebrating my 1 year cancer free anniversary only to be smashed by a 2,000 ton truck… unfortunately I survived… now I’m depressed with a brain injury and can no longer work. My family thinks my brain is fine and need to go back to work. So I did and then started having seizures everyday because of the stress on my brain. I checked myself into a hospital only to be put on so many drugs I couldn’t function. After that my family just gave up. My sister doesn’t talk to me but will talk to my daughter. I see her once a year and her son doesn’t Even know who I am. Last time I saw him he asked me if I was my daughters mom because he had thought it was my step mom. I’ve tried everything to make my depression not as bad from pills to yoga to running 8 miles a day and now I’m vegan… vegan ya say.. can’t be a vegan without everyone giving you shit daily for not eating meat. I am constantly the butt of everyone’s joke. Now the joke is.. I put 125,000 (everything I had) into my and my now ex’s dream… I was with him for 5 years and have Him everything i had.. only to discover he was using me for my money and was cheating on me the entire time. Girls over seas, guys around town.. using my pictures to catfish people. And telling me I’m crazy and sick for thinking somethings going on. It was all in my head and because of my brain injury. I finally left him a year ago.. him and his mother took all my belongings kicked me out of my house and left me with nowhere and no money to do anything.. still I found a place to live for me and my daughter. At this point my depression (BPD) was so out of control I couldn’t even help myself. My roommates then kicked me and my child out at 9pm Wednesday when it was -11 out.. the only thing I could do was drive 3 hours home to my dads house.. which has never been a home to me.. I think about dying everyday. More so now than ever. My family thinks I’m a big joke and lumps me into a fuck up like my mom. Everyday is a struggle to try and show them that I’m not. But it’s to late and no one care and no one wants to help. They will only offer help to my daughter. Mind you their idea of help is.. sign your daughter over to us, knowing I live everyday for her and if I ever lost her I would kill my self the next day. Everything I do is over reacting.. constantly hearing we lost you when you started smoking pot.. I started smoking pot cuz I was self medicating. I’m still trying to prove myself and honestly I am ready to call it… my life that is. The only people this would honestly affect are my 2 best friends.. but they have their own shit going on. My plan is to leave a note, saying I have left and not telling anyone where I am.. because I am just going to take a bunch of shit and go die in the woods. The only place I feel at peace. Maybe then I can see my best friend who took her life too. Because no one could help her and my dumb ass moved away to be with a man who played me like a fiddle.. my life is constant fuck up after fuck up. Everything I do in the eyes of my family is wrong, dumb & pointless..
Everyday is getting harder to go on.. and now i just sit here and ask myself why.. why am I trying.. I have no support and no family. My parents spoil my daughter rotten and have Bought her love so she doesn’t even act like I exist anymore..
what’s left to live for, no family and a daughter who’d rather have people buy her things then be with her mom. I try so hard every fucking day. But life keeps beating me down. I just want the pain to stop. I want me head to be quite.. the only way this is possible is to be dead.. and each day I’m getting closer.
Thank you for your story, it takes alot to get the bad of a person’s life out and let go to move on. It takes a really strong person, like you! A chosen one that was meant to be here still! Do not give up you have a gift seek it find out what your purpose in life is! Look around wherever you go take notice of the numbers you see expecially in three’s for example…111…222…3:33…4:44…and 11:11 is the Awakening code.
If you need me I am here!
Love and Peace
Tina
Me too….
I have also gone through major depression in my life and am struggling with what the doctors or psychologists say “Bi-Polar Manic depressive”. Its been hard I am 41 years old and I have loved life all this time. It gets better if you believe! My prayers go out to you!
God Bless!
I can feel your pain and I wish I had the right words to say. The darkness that I imagine that you’re in must be awful and I wish I had a light to send your way. Right now in this present moment your not alone your with me as you read this. I’m here with you listening to you in this moment. Your not alone. You have touched my life by telling me your story and I thank you for that. I myself am hanging on by a thread no one around me understand a damn thing. With reading what you wrote helps me get through this moment and helps me know that your out there someone who gets it. The f ing confusing pain of it all. Thank you for your gift of sharing you with me i am grateful. I do hope the light finds you
That is horrible. Your life sounds like torture. I’m sorry about your misery. I’m sorry for the terrible things your family did to you. You’re overworked and sick and should be depressed. I’m so sorry about your pain and hope that you have friends you can connect with.
I am here with you please do not give up on me!
To make it in this world…do you really need answer’s?
No Tina…. We want the pain to stop. We want to be able to smile and have it feel genuine. We want to feel happy and not hopeless. There are many other things but don’t feel like writing an essay.
I am leaving this comment and awaiting a reply for everyone out there that is considering suicide!
I just want my mind to stop & these thoughts to go away. But they never do. I have BPD and a termitic brain injury.. no matter how hard I try the world keeps pushing me back down into my hole.. deeper and deeper..
I am 52 years old battling brain cancer. My boyfriend of 6 years just told me to move out of his house. We’re done. Out of no where. I don’t think I can keep fighting this
So sorry
Why?
I am here with you please do not give up on me!
Then he is the wrong guy to be with. Find some shelter in a Church you’ve never belonged to and see if they know the door to a new life.
I’m sorry. Have you tried prayer? God loves you.
I found a solution. First, I suffered my entire adult life from suicidal “ideation”. To think I could “go home” was a relief. I didn’t want to die; I just didn’t want to hurt anymore.
Over the years, psychiatrists tried over twenty-nine different medications to help me (I’m fifty-four) and at one time, I underwent six ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) sessions; all of this to no avail. My next move was to buy an at-home brain stimulator; anything to make this stop.
Finally, a psychiatrist prescribed dextroamphetamine, which is used off-label for major depression and it worked. It’s not for everyone. I’m an addict. I saw four doctors before I was allowed to make the choice of possibly losing my sobriety. My quality of life was such that I chose to try it. I have taken this medication for twelve years with no problem. Just a warning: A dear friend of mine, also an addict, lost her sobriety using this medication. It took her two and a half years to regain it.
Suicide? Relief? Anything to end a constant suffering that a lot of times people don’t understand. I know of family friends and or close friends that have committed suicide. Nobody could understand why the ones that had the so called good life and careers, a family with the nice house and cars would do such a thing. On the other hand I know personally people that in today standards of living would be considered a failure with that being said they are extremely happy. I know this from personal experience when I was in my early 20’s I wanted nothing more than a job/career that could provide a good income or living for a family. I got what I prayed for a job that pays well that provides a good life for my two children financially with that being said I sacrifice my life for it. My children that I love dearly don’t feel the same about me. I think it’s because I’m away a lot. Most people looking from the outside in think I have it all nothing more than a high school diploma and make roughly 100k a year. I provide for my family and will continue to do so but money aside. I was truly my happiest when I was working 8 hours a day coming home everyday with no stress making 25,000 a year. You see I’ve been on both sides and I’m here to tell you happiness comes from within it has nothing to do with money most will disagree with me on this but from my personal experience. I don’t necessarily consider myself suicidal but if I died in a car wreck tomorrow I would be ok with that. Sounds crazy I know but it’s just my opinion and it probably don’t make sense to most. I know I’m rambling all I’m trying to say is in my 38 years of life is please don’t look at happiness as making a good income as the answer to happiness don’t get me wrong a man needs to provide for his family but with that being said I have friends that make 1/3 of what I do wouldn’t trade there life for mine they make there kids ball games, school plays and are there for them more than I am and they are truly happy. I just wanted to tell all theses younger generations that just do what makes you happy and live in your means and you’ll have a better chance at happiness. God bless all of you and just keep trying to make it day by day or minute by minute whatever it takes. Your life matters trust me I wish I had a do over. I’m not an educated man just a hard worker your average joe. My advice to my children and all young people is do what makes you happy. God bless.
I do occasionally think of suicide like twice a day but it’s more of a mirage than a reality for me I just want to give my children a better start at life than I had. Every one on this page the only uneducated advising I can give is do what makes you happy trust me it gets harder with age and responsibilities.
Mike, I think most/many depressed people agree with you that money itself doesn’t determine happiness. So long as your basic survival needs are taken care of. One reason so many people link money and happiness is that we need money to keep living–housing, utilities, taxes (on land, home if you have one…), health care, food, growing fees… Too many just can’t make ends meet and the constant fears of living from paycheck to paycheck can lead to depression. Maybe not for everyone, but for a lot of people. Especially if, after many years “being responsible,” they’re among the growing multitude the US government itself reports won’t ever be able to retire. Can you imagine being 75 yo, body aching from age-related illnesses, but still having to work a demanding low-wage job while balancing out-of-pocket health care and prescription costs national studies show eat up the majority of many seniors’ income? I’m terrified of it.
Hope you’re doing OK. Having had both kinds of work myself, I agree with you that being able to leave work at work at the end of the day/weekend is a blessing.
I can’t cope anymore
I can’t either. I understand.
I know how you feel
Everyday that passes it gets harder to cope.. shunned from
Family events. My sister acts like I don’t even Exist. I am so tired of being everyone’s burden.
It saddens me to read all of these honest accounts of extreme dysphoria. It also gladdens me to know that I am not alone in this. Suicide is a daily option for me. I think about it constantly.
Currently, I am amassing contingencies for when I decide to end my life. I’ve never been happy. My childhood was nasty and the main perpetrator is still alive. That, in itself, makes me want to kill myself because I know she will outlive me, even in her constant near-death state, just to give herself the satisfaction. Her husband, my father, committed suicide when I was aged 14 and I wanted to join him. After his death, I went through his psych drugs and experimented on occasions. Sometimes I would mix them with my monster’s (mother’s) cask wine. I tried to overdose once, only to wake up and stagger around the house all day in my school uniform while my monster laughed at me and told me to get the F over my father’s demise.
I am childless by choice. There was no way that I was going to put a child through the shit that I was put through but I have never liked children. I prefer to stay single as well. It is for my own protection on manifold levels. Besides, I find men repugnant.
People just give me the shits. Every. Stinking. Day. Their presence drains me of what empathy and energy I have left. It has reached the point where IDGAF about other people’s problems. Inwardly, I am a hateful individual who is taking up precious space that could belong to someone with a yearning to make the world a better place because I have lost all hope of doing that myself.
Future illness scares me immensely. The kind of illness that might render me incapacitated to the point where I have to have someone live with me, if they cared to live with me.
The trouble with that is I prefer to live alone. I need a lot A LOT of space. Every night I climb into bed with my book I thank the universe for giving me the means to live as I do. I am also thankful for not having to share my bed with someone. I cannot sleep in the same bed with another person because they will be an imposition and I will never get my sleep. That would not be their fault.
So, one day I know I will check out and it will be done in the most tidy manner as I have lived. The house will be immaculately cleaned. I will be laying on a tarp (in case I vomit) in my best clothes and jewellery with full makeup. I won’t eat for a few days in order to avoid my bowels voiding which will make the clean-up unpleasant. The door will be left open. In about a week or two, someone will find my corpse and it will be easy to roll up in the tarpaulin, thus leaving the house as clean as I found it.
I will not leave a note. How cliche.
That’s probably the most beautiful thing I’ve ever read.
I’ll tell you, it lifted my spirits to read the words from my brain.
I’ve often delayed suicide because I don’t want to leave a mess.
I don’t want to leave a fat corpse to be carried out.
Viktor Frankl was a psychiatrist who developed a keen interest in depression and suicide while studying medicine at the University of Viena. On October 19, 1944, Frankl and his wife were taken to the Auschwitz concentration camp. He was transferred to two other Nazi concentration camps before he was liberated from captivity by American soldiers on August 27, 1945. During his time in subjugation, Frankl learned that his fellow prisoners were involved in a constant struggle to find meaning in the midst of their suffering. In the years following his release from harsh captivity and the inhumane treatment he endured at the hands of the Nazis, Frankl continued to treat patients who suffered from mental depression.
In his essay titled “The Meaning of Life Nobody Ever Told You”, Harry J. Stead describes one such patient: “A distraught woman came to his clinic and told him that she wished to commit suicide. The single mother had three children, two had recently died and she was left alone to take care of her disabled son. The mother was suffering from depression, but Frankl eased her mind by reminding her that if it were not for her care, her son would now be in a disabled institution living in squalid conditions without the love of his mother. Frankl’s calm words shifted the mother’s perspective. She realized that she held a great meaning to her life – to be a mother.”
It seems to me that this is precisely what so many people who struggle with chronic or persistent thoughts of suicide need — a shift in perspective. Each of our individual lives have meaning within the larger context of our being. Our job is to find that purpose or meaning. Whether your life purpose is to be a mother, a friend to those in need, or simply a compassionate ear to those who suffer from persistent thoughts of suicide, the challenge is to find that purpose. If you earnestly seek your purpose, you will find it. Give yourself that chance.
And what are you supposed to do when you found your purpose, and it’s taken away from you? The pain was bad before. Now it’s unbearable.
Great question, Cheyenne. Like you, I thought I had once found my purpose in life. After comfortably assuming my role as a husband and father of three young children, my wife of 20 years sought and received a divorce which caused my world to come crashing down on me. At the time, I couldn’t have imagined anything worse than losing my purpose in life as a husband and father. Boy, was I ever wrong! Six years later, when my youngest child took his own life, my world was devastated for YEARS with unabated guilt, grief, and despair. Losing a child to suicide was unquestionably the most traumatic event of my existence. It still haunts me today. Talk about losing your sense of purpose in life!
The best answer I have for you, Cheyenne, is that you have to rediscover your sense of purpose in life when it is taken away from you. Although losing a long-term marriage was excruciatingly painful, compared to the emotional trauma of losing my only son to suicide, the divorce doesn’t even register in the Richter scale of painful life events.
From the ashes of my despair, life required me to acquire a new identity in life and a new sense of purpose. Although I am no longer a father to a much-loved son, I have emerged as a much more loving and empathetic person. I now identify much more sympathetically with people who struggle, particularly those who are suffering from chronic or long-term depression and suicidal thoughts of the variety that so many people have voiced on this page.
Finding your renewed sense of purpose after having it taken away from you is hard work, Cheyenne; but, I assure you that it can be done with hard work, perseverance, and determination. I am no longer suicidal as I was in the immediate aftermath of my son’s death by his own hand, but I am more determined than ever to help people who find themselves in the desperate circumstances described by so many people on this page. My earnest desire is that you and every person on this page find the resources and personal wherewithal to weather the storm that rages from within. Be patient with your circumstances. Better days lie ahead when light will return to your life.
Thanks for sharing from a place of experience, Randal. I read your comment, “It seems to me that this is precisely what so many people who struggle with chronic or persistent thoughts of suicide need — a shift in perspective,” and felt, initially, upset. It felt at first like someone was saying there is some right perspective. But then I read your comment-reply to Cheyenne below. And I thought you’re just sharing your personal opinion. And I deeply respect that.
I have a very different opinion about shifting perspective. I think if there were such a thing as a “right perspective,” professionals would be able to tell people/patients what it is, patients would try it, and they’d find their problems more often solved. Like discovering a patch for a glitchy piece of software. But psychology doesn’t to me seem to work that way. For lots of reasons not worth going into detail about. I forget the Stanford researcher’s name now, but one of that university’s scholars wrote years ago that advice usually fails because each person is a universe of unique experience general advice just can’t fit well enough with. So we can end up advising people to “find” their purpose without even understanding what this purpose is. Many people try doing just this, but either don’t find anything that feels like purpose or, if they do find something that can be a purpose to them, the realities of life (finances, social constraints…) conspire to frustrate their realization of whatever they believe their purpose to be.
There are a lot of really good publications out there on how the way we’ve built our Western culture threatens mental health. Even if there’s no such thing as an objective purpose, people probably would naturally gravitate towards roles and tasks they find purposeful if they could afford to do so. Maybe this is before your time, but when I was in college, leaders and educators were perpetually deriding people for wasting time “finding themselves”… It’s understandably difficult for people to find their purpose when they’re so preoccupied with competing for resources to keep living.
Anyway, glad you’re doing better nowadays.
I feel like that all the time… I appear happy to many but I’m always thinking of ways I could end it all
I have had chronic suicidal thoughts since my earliest memories. Ever since I was a little kid I have thought I will die by suicide. I have never attempted but I have gone as far as acquiring the means and developing detailed plans and back up plans. It is comforting to know I could be dead in hours and never have flashbacks or nightmares again. I’ve been so close so many times but sought help when it gets critical. One day I think/fear/hope it will suck me down, down, down and I will be gone before anyone including me can stop me. I tell myself as long as my husband, sister, my dad, and my dog are alive I can’t do it. They would be destroyed. I can make it a little longer.
I have been in prison all my life and and I have no place out here they beat me enough times to brake my body and hurt it so it doesn’t work properly I don’t have wife a house a job money and can’t even talk to people I will end it all who the fuck cares about talking to some guy saying it will be ok I’m the one who doesn’t call and doesn’t get help because no one wants to help me just wants me gone and I am an old washed up ex con that no one will miss
Sorry to have put you through by the way all my details are fake
Rereading this post and it still gets to me a year later.
Reading all these folks’ comments makes me feel so insignificant. I wish I could help everyone. Also wishing there were more and easier to access resources for folks. I’ve heard from numerous folks about bad calls to the suicide hotline. Part of why I have never called myself.
I wish I could help everyone find something that would give significant meaning to their lives. I believe everyone has something that, if they could only find it, would help them help themselves.
I came here, this time anyway, to find more clinical books on suicide. I figure if I immerse myself in it, then it will somehow lose its hold over me.
Unsure if it’s working as I’ve also developed a steady habit of meditation, yoga, exercise and weight lifting along with small changes to my diet and lots of time outside (when possible). It’s been roughly a year since I started all these things and I seem better… but sadly I still suicidal ideations daily. It probably doesn’t help that I still have multiple means hidden away, haha. For a rainy day, ehh.
Anyway. Thanks for the post and for the site also.
Nice try, you still don’t get it.
Have struggled for over two decades in a brutal war with depression. Daily battles present a greater burden everyday. I don’t have a full time job and fear I will soon be homeless, suffer chronic full body pain daily, (headaches, horrible teeth, arthritis, plus issues like a messed up prostrate and hernia) and it makes living even more difficult . While I have suffered failures in my life, I have also been a positive in my community for decades. I have helped many people enjoy a better quality of life – at the expense of my own quality of life. Think about suicide everyday and always have to tell myself to “do it tomorrow” in order to see another day. A person’s will to live can only be tested for so long. Would never endanger anyone else – Wish I could leave to be at peace and pain free.
worst article written on this subject. doesnt once mention ptsd. no not only BPD gets chronic SI
Anonymous,
I think you missed this paragraph: “However, chronic suicidal thoughts can occur in concert with other mental illnesses, such as recurrent episodes of depression, or with no illness at all.”
I didn’t list all the mental illnesses that can accompany or cause chronic suicidal thoughts, because I’d have to list just about every one. As I said, such thoughts can occur with other mental illnesses … or none at all.
6
Im in the same boat , constantly thinking of a way to die but i know its not worth it ,sometimes it kills me more to think how my family would suffer so i just suck it up and make the best of the situation . Im 22 but feel so lost without a purpose i have a great job and all but life isnt about that . Ive recently put my faith in god and my life has been changing , for all those who dont believe i didnt either but when you have nothing left it doesnt hurt to call upon him to help make a change at the end of the day it gives me somthing to live for and i ask him to keep me on a straight path . Im just a normal person i dont drink or use drugs i just think ive been emotionally broken but i have faith that things will turn out better in the near future.
I have tinnitus and anxiety and depression and many other problems I don’t know if I can live with it because it is 24 7
Im 62 years old im on sickness benefits through anxiety and depression ive been on it a long time ive been getting worse recently because i have a son 40 and one 27 who have both tried suicide i dont no how much i can take my thoughts in my head say kill yourself and then all your troubles are gone i try to stay strong for my wife kids and grandkids but i cant do it im thinking of just leaving and hope its better but were do i go
I’m a 26 year old woman, and I have suicidal thoughts at least 3 times a week. I am currently only working part time as a library technician, and on my days off, I can’t help but think about offing myself. I am trying to find work as an entry level administrative assistant just so I can move out of my parents’ house. Sometimes, I don’t even think these jobs are worth looking for since I would only be making $25-$35K a year. I don’t want to be an admin., but I feel like I have to in order to move on with my life. Also, I’ve never had a boyfriend, have only been on a few dates, and am terrified of dating. The amount of loneliness and isolation I feel is almost unbearable most days. I suffer with ADHD-PI, depression, and anxiety, and it is a constant struggle to get my sh*t together.
I will take you out on date. I will have sex with you if you want. I don’t care if your ugly or anything. I have had loads of relationships. It doesn’t make you happy anyway. It’s better to have never loved than to have loved and lost. So maybe your in a better place than me. It’s a lonely world now. I would love to make you happy for a while. It would give my life purpose. I have no purpose now.
I was a child brought up by destructive, negative parents. I was less favoured amoung my siblings – as the eldest daughter – expected to be the one that helped my mother in all areas of home life. I was an anxious child and I just wanted to please my mother so I did everything possible to try to help her -I never seemed to ever be as good as my brother or sisters in her eyes. They all had private education and went to university – I was put down constantly by my mother and apparently I wasn’t the academic type, so with low confidence & self hate I went for low paid jobs and boyfriends that took advantage of this state of mind I was in. They only reinforced my negative view of myself with poor treatment and abuse. I wanted a baby because I desperately wanted a family in which I would be valued and loved and to be able to give that in return. I was a single parent which was very difficult, being in low paid jobs and a lack of support was depressing. Drs were only too happy to throw antidepressants my way which only made my life worse through lack of feelings/numbness. It must have been very hard on my daughter seeing me struggling. She is in her late twenties -only now starting to become a more settled person in life. My mother divorced my father- remarried but recently lost her partner and has moved near to where I live. I sometimes feel very low and at times have thoughts about taking my life. I am also going through menopause. I have not been an achiever & although I have worked hard to build my confidence up I have only been in low paid jobs so I have nothing – all my money goes toward rent and bills which is demoralising. I’m beginning to feel life just isn’t worth it.
I think about suicide at least 15-20 times a day if not more. It’s in my head all day. No job I’m 40 worked I’m the oil and gas industry for 10 years and now I have nothing. People annoy the shit out of me. Life is not pleasing. It’s actually miserable. I’ve gotten to the point where I don’t even brush my teeth cause it’s too much of a task. I have a wife of 17 years and 3 kids. Life sucks and isn’t pleasant at all.
Every night when I’m laying in bed I wish I was dead i’ve attempted suicide many times but it never works. I’ve tried to find a way to help myself or seek family help but that just leads me to feel more and more depressed. everyday is walking around with a horrific headache that won’t go away I can’t focus on things and I feel that only the animals understand me but not humans. Why do life of a human feel more like a prison and less like freedom?
same
Thank you for writing that article, I’m 50 years old and have nothing left anymore so I’m obsessed 24 hours a day with ending it all, but I never knew why I feel so oddly relaxed after one of my mental suicidal binges. Now it’s perfectly clear that knowing I can check-out anytime is all I need to come back to my senses… for a while.
Same situation a year younger. How is it easy to know you can check out anytime. By which method. The method that I prefer, I can’t get a hold of.
My suicidal thoughts don’t go away.
Nothing I try works . I feel like I give of myself constantly but never get ahead. I do on the give to get ahead, it just seems like no matter what I do it makes no difference.
I hope you can overcome your thoughts
I feel the same way. I get more afraid I’ll do it now and leaving my 3 kids…
I need help
Teresa,
I’m sorry you’re struggling. Counseling isn’t provided on this site. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. Someone there can help you!
The text line is a joke and often times out before anyone is there.
And the voice line is just like anything else in life. You may get someone good. You may get someone who is not that good.
Maybe you might want to try eating a bowl of ice cream?
I think about hanging myself every single hour of every single day. Was thinking of waiting til my birthday. That way it’s only remembered by family one day a year, death/birthday combined.
I have been living a post attempted suicide life for nearly 2 years now. My wife has left me. Friends have moved away. At first there was an outpouring of compassion and offers of help. Now, after this much time, i feel more burdonsome than ever before. The suicidal thoughts happen ALL. THE. TIME. Every day. they dont leave, they dont calm down or take a vactation. They haunt me daily. I am quite sure that they will take me one day. I have more lethal means for my final attempt, but ive been strong enough so far to resist.
I am so fragile. So easily knocked down. I’m just a tragedy away from becoming a statistic. If my mom died tomorrow I wouldn’t be able to handle it. Hell, some days i feel like if my car broke down that would be enough to end it all.
worst of all i lost a great therapist. My medical changed once my employers disability ran out and i went on SSD. Now, I have to use SSD approved services or whatever. I was told i cant even pay out of pocket for any therapist I choose. I tried going for a bit, but the new therapist and i just didnt connect. I cant open up to someone I dont connect with. The pysch doc is worse. I feel outword contempt from him. The first thing he asked me was “WHY are YOU on disability?!” Im sure my depression distorts my memory, but the feelings he instilled in me on that first meeting were certainly real enough to guard myself from him forever.
So now I have no therapist. No wife, waning support and my best friend just moved away (to live a much better life. Im very happy for him but i cant help feeling sorry for myself. Im so selfish and self centered and a terrible friend and no wonder my wife left me…)
Im not even sure why im writing this. Im certainly not inspiring anyone from way down here. Perhaps just reaching out to anyone who might care to read this. Anyway, thank you author for sharing your work. and im so sorry you had to read this garbage for anyone who stumbled across this pitiful comment.
I do too. Please take one day at a time and remember you’re not the only one.
Most definitely know, you’re not the only one who feels this way. Believe me, live for another day live different but better. I’m trying to take my own advice too
I am Mum of 2 estranged sons who I love so much. I am struggling to find purpose. My husband tells me to let go and move on with my life. I was a good Mum. They told me and their wives they had the best childhood and were very happy.
We were very close but one partner was very jealous and told me that I was sick and its not normal to get on that well and never fight. This has devestated me. There is so much more to this I could write a book. Our friends and family are also devestated.
I have no reason to go on. I have become a burden with my grief. I have never felt pain like it. I never understood suicide until now. It’s to stop the pain. I just want the pain to go away. I am so broken you can’t fix me anymore
Please, please don’t do it…life can be beautiful and joyful..you are having a bad day not life..fight,fight fight!
I’m struggling. It’s getting worse. I can’t handle my life. i have a wonderful family I’ve accomplished big goals but nothing is ever enough. I’m empty. I’m sad. I’m lost I’m not there for my family I can’t be because everything overwhelms me. I’m crying I’m not good enough I’m lonely but surrounded by ppl. How does this happen ? Am I bipolar do I have a personality disorder am I depressed and anxious or just dealing with something from my past that I’ve buried so deep I don’t even know. I don’t know I hate feeling like this. I want to leave I’m tired I’m lost but I can’t leave my husband and children yet they’d be happier without dealing with me but sad too do u stay but I’m so broken. I feel like broken trash therefore I should be gone
Me. Well I’m just down and out disappointed in myself. I have four beautiful kids who love me to death and I couldn’t imagine life without them. 10 years ago I woke up to my (boyfriend as such) not living together or 100 percent committed. But we were seeing each other. He was definitely one of a kind. Was seeing my friends in the corner of the room telling them to go away. He stabbed me several times coz he though they were inside the punching bag. Every single motel we stayed In he would cut up the bed thinking people were inside. Rip the walls apart. It was really bad. I am 43 this year ten years ago 33 and he was 27. Nice looking boy (with some issues). But I was still into him.. Even tho he was cruel to me!! (How f#ck%d up is that)
Well I was woken up by my sister’s friend one morning he was shaking me telling me get up someone has hung themselves in your back yard.. I thought I was dreaming. I went outside and there he was hanging … wow. My god.. I was speechless. I felt a dark pain inside me and I broke down. And I have never ever really dealt with it properly to this day…
Ten years down the track I’ve now become in trouble with the law. And could find myself going to jail in about two months. Due to meth charges or shall I say data and texts calls police obtained through my phone only. Enough to do a lag.
Well u know what I say to myself everyday. I’d rather die than go to jail.. I can’t be away from my kids to be in there. I don’t deserve jail. I thought I was an awesome mum everything I do is for them. Just them. I am their rock and no one has the bond like I do with them all. They don’t know yet but they will be devastated. Shattered. I am their world. And all I think is if the system is going to take me away from them like that put them through that ordeal..then I would rather just be gone full stop.. I’d rather fu$#en be dead. And all I think is I’ll just kill myself in jail.. I don’t have a job they are my full-time job my full time loves. I think im a good mum. I strive my best everyday. Im creative. I am a vinyl hip hop come soul dj (not so much of recent coz ive had kids) but playing music i love it i miss it. I have the skills already to pull it off and my ultimate dream was to be the first female dj in nz to enter the dmc comp. I do everything. Im always busy if not with them or their sports etc im always doing something at home. Whether it be painting, baking, cooking, cleaning, doing my acrylic nails whatever. I barely have time to myself. Let alone to just sit down and think… because i will prob start fu&@ing thinking dum shit..all I know is the day I’m forced to be without my kids will be the day i chose to die..i dont deserve jail. And yes I knew the consequences and penalties when it comes to meth. But u know what… I was just thinking of my kids again. It was prior to Xmas the opportunity was in front of Me and all I had pictured in my head was me being able to buy my kids what they wanted for Xmas and that would’ve made me so happy.. And that was it. It wasn’t something I wanted to keep doing. That was my honest reason for looking into it in the first place. Just to make our Xmas that lil bit better.
Well, i didn’t even make it to xmas.
Trouble…. is what went down. Got raided arrested all that stuff.. And now the days are going faster and seem to be creeping up for sentencing and it’s just messing with me big-time…
I just cry thinking about it daily. Me jail… no mum for kids. They need me and me only. I can’t sleep. I ain’t eaten shit. Im irritable. Angry. Snappy. Lost weight and overall dam miserable. And I’ve had it. Seriously if I’m to be incarcerated I just want out. I refuse to have my kids know I’m in jail. Nah I’d rather just be gone.
I have a man it will be our 10 year mark this year. He’s likely to get home d. And even the thought of being away from him, I can’t come to grips with let alone my kids. And if I went to jail I dare say our relationship would be over. We have trust issues and no way am I gonna rot in a cell wondering what he’s doing. When the track record ain’t so great. Working on it tho. And it’s been years since I caught him. That shattered me completely. My heart sunk to my ass i have never ever felt that before in my life. And i know this will just be the end of it for me. Selfish I know. But nah. I can’t do it to my kids I just want out altogether.. I don’t want to be here. The first day I step into prison will be the last too. Sorry my babies sorry my boy. Mum can’t help but be sad to say the least. I try not to let it show. But it’s cutting me up inside to the point of no return. I love you all xx
I relate to the Groundhog Day comment. Just one more day. One more hour. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t cry. It hurts to breathe and carry on yet I continue for my blessed and precious furbabies.
Yes my thoughts are almost constant and I have set 2calendar dates
Hello sir my name is iqbal from Afghanistan I’m very tired in my life i want to suicide no other to live
That makes me really sad to feel that you are ready to take that step. I hope you think long and hard and reach out for support.
I’m only in my early teens but I feel like I would be better off dead. Most of the people I’ve dated have left me feeling alone in some way or another. I feel like my dad, step mom, and step dad don’t want me. I can’t tell my mom I’m suicidal, but I know I need to see a therapist. I’ve wanted to self-harm since 6th grade but never had the guts to do it. Everything has only gotten worse since I realised that I was transgender and pansexual. It feels like the dysphoria is killing me. I don’t know what to do.
Life’s been rough the past couple of days. My dad told me today after my 18 years of life he doesn’t want to take care of me anymore because he found another family! and going to school full time and work and having to worry about helping my family! its getting so hard and these suicidal thoughts keep coming to my mind! but its been there for as long as i can remember. i just don’t wanna feel like this anymore!
I am so lonely. The usual – no friends or family. 58 yr old woman with no life but work. I could be dead for days and no one would ever know. That thought haunts me. How did I get to this place in my life? No one seems to care, so why should I. I do not enjoy life anymore. What happened to me
i care. how’re you doing?
Sorry Denise. I’m a man but with your same situation. Hope it gets better for you.
[This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. – SF]
I’m sorry you feel this way too, I have way to much on my plate too. And I Don’t know what else I can do. Can’t talk to anyone about it and it’s driving me nutz. Hope we both make it through this. God bless
I have been having a hard time lately. This helps me keep my self from panicking. Thank you
Im working life away.
Child hood spent working struggling to survive now!?, life? Still young but… I see where it’s going. Always kept a level head… been through mostly hell with a little heaven for weather. What can I say luck of the draw? Fate? A lesson in the learning/makeing. No one is sure but the past. A few words here another there my ears hear….. my heart tears with fear. Hasn’t it always been that way?
Why am I feeling this way now?
I’ve been alone, I am alone.
Will I die alone?
Choice is ultimately mine.
Is it worth it?
Well I would have to say depends on your life of family and friends.
If you have none…
It’s a cold world if you can’t relate.
i came to this site looking for a way to die then i started to read…they couldn’t be more on point for me i speak for no one else. It hasnt detoured my need to die but im happy someone has finally hit the nail on the head thank you so much. I want to die less but ive made up my mind i will die in 6months …need to see my family and oldest child before i die for good …but its sad the computer understands more than a human. Ive been diagnosed with bpd, ptsd, chronic depression and anxiety. I deal with all in high strees situations all the time, also have had 2 strokes not like the ppl around me care or understand.im just ready to go im done im just happy i found something out there that relates in some way
I am currently going through a very hard time a possible devorce. I have been fighting to get back on track but I am failing. I have attempted to end my life a few times not recently. But I do not take things very well with anxiety depression I am falling apart and ask for help.i feel so alone with no one to talk to and I am just ready to end it all ,but this time is different I have a 4 yr doughter that I love very much and I dont know what to do any more.
if you need someone to talk to i’m here. going through the same thing
I have had suicidal thoughts all my life and recently they have gotten worse because in Jan 2017 my girlfriend claimed I did something unspeakable to her. Back then she said she had got tripped and flashed to her childhood. I was so distraught I didn’t know what to do. I unfortunately Googled what I thought was going on and got ideas on how to help. It was a big mistake on my part. She was even more convinced I had done what she accused me of. I couldn’t live with the thought of her thinking I did along with her being in so much pain. So I took a lot of pills and thankfully failed at my attempt to kill myself. Soon after she started acting like nothing had happened didn’t even want to acknowledge what I had done. So with not knowing anything else to do I put it behind me and tried my best to be mindful with her and her past.Yes we had some issues but nothing like that and we were able to talk it through . This Jan. six days before the date of that awful night 2 years ago she flips out on me telling me she can’t see me anymore and that she can’t be with someone who would do such a thing. I was so confused I tried talking to her. She said it was because of what I did in Jan 2017 and the abuse she has endured since. I asked what abuse and she just kept yelling at me saying i knew and that I was there. She gave me all my stuff back and told me to never contact her again and that I needed to face what I have done to her. That she wasn’t going to be around to help divert me from facing myself what a gift. I have been so devastated and confused. I have no idea. I have not even raised my voice in frustration toward her. I have just wanted to die. No one I talk to helps they just say you know you didn’t do what she says right and of course I didn’t do it. So then I get told she’s just nuts and for me to let it go let her go. That does not help me at all. The woman I love is hurting thinking I am a monster and it does not really matter to me if it’s only in her head it’s real to her. My soul feels like its dying. I feel so crazy because I do feel some how it is my fault with realizing that in my attempt with helping in 2017 I must have made it real to her. I feel so messed up what is this life for if things like this is real and not on TV. I am so glad I gave my sister my guns it would be so easy in my grief to pull the trigger. It was more apparent with each day that she didn’t want anything to do with me. I know better than to communicate with her I have learned not to with smaller things that have happened. It makes things worse. I passed by her in the car today and she looked so cold like someone I did not recognize she was in her car with her ex. I have been feeling so irrational and depressed I didn’t go to work today and tomorrow is not looking too good. Now with knowing she’s with her ex makes me feel so much more worthless, confused and rejected with a mix of anger. I don’t know how much I can take. I feel so lost I have no idea what the hell is going on and the pain keeps building I really want this to end. I am started to have thoughts about parking my truck upfront of her house and doing the hose tailpipe thing. My obsessive thoughts seem to be on a consistent loop. Family is coming over and spending the night. They don’t understand. Right now I don’t either.
One distressed commentator to this thread wrote, “What a loser I am. Why was I born? I’m worth more dead than alive. I need to die. I am a waste of space. Life has been wasted on me. God blew it. And I want to go but I know it will hurt the kids.” We can be thankful that this struggling individual recognizes, at least on some level, the wake of devastation that will be wreaked in the lives of his loved ones should he chose to exercise the ultimate unfortunate perceived solution to his problems. This may be the only thing keeping him alive.
In his book “When All You Ever Wanted Isn’t Enough”, Rabbi Harold S. Kusher observes, “Our souls are hungry for meaning, for the sense that we have figured out how to live so that our lives matter, so that the world will be at least a little bit different for our having passed through it. What frustrates us and robs our lives of joy is this absence of meaning… Does our being alive matter?”
For all of those people who repeatedly ask themselves the question, “Does my being alive matter?”, I propose a simplistic answer to one of life’s most problematic questions. Yes, your life matters! It matters to the people who have tattooed a semi-colon to the inside of their wrists. It matters to the people who have received the horrific news of a loved one’s death from suicide (as I have) who continually fight feelings of guilt, regret, and self-blame in not having been able to keep their loved ones alive. It matters to the people who will be called upon to pay your funeral expenses and to the surprising number of mourners who will show up at your funeral to offer comfort and support to your family. It matters to the bride who will never have her father walk her down the aisle at her wedding. It matters to your grandchildren who will be deprived of your warmth and laughter. It matters to great multitudes of people you may not have even stopped to consider.
Yes, your life matters. Choose life. Your family and loved ones will appreciate your strength and determination in making a conscious decision to persevere in spite of the array of dark forces that have allayed against you. Be strong…be courageous — for their sake and yours. You can do this.
I want to die but I have no means of doing so. I’m seventeen and I have been experiencing these thoughts since I was ten. I used to have a clear vision of what true happiness felt like, but this vision has gradually faded and I hardly remember anything other than hurting.
My life isn’t all that bad, in reality. This just makes me feel worse. I have no reason to be complaining or hurting in this way. I have incredibly supportive parents who are aware of my situation and do everything in their power to help me. I’ve taken countless different medications for depression and anxiety and I’ve been in therapy for years, and yet these thoughts persist, getting worse the older I get.
For once in my life, I have friends, but if anything things have only gotten worse. My friends tell me they care about me and I keep getting hurt by them in ways that make me think, ´Why do I try?´ And yet despite my age I still feel unconfident about my sexuality. I think I might like girls, but I’m worried that if my friends find out, they’ll hate me.
I know these are the most petty things to complain about, but it’s just too much. Every day I just wish I didn’t have to wake up. I wish I could just stay in bed all day. The only thing I remotely enjoy anymore is drawing, and I don’t have the motivation to draw when I want to. I have to attend school every day but it only worsens these thoughts. I don’t know what to do. As much as I say I want to die, all I really want is just for these thoughts to stop. I just want to be normal, I just want to pursue my dreams, I just want to be okay for once.
My parents keep asking me to promise not to kill myself, and I do, because I love them so much, but I can’t keep doing this for much longer. It hurts so much.
How are you doing kate?
I left my goals as student thrown away.I feel the positivity around me.No matter I dont Let them through.Is like I dont want help but at the same Time I do. My friends think That Im happy but Im not.Leaving my foreign country was my idea.My family wanted me to stay AND I ignore them.Dont know the answer to that one.IM ACTING my current LIFE.I just want this to end. My crazy decisión AND my never dreams Will not Gonna happen. Gonna happen goals. Im having a lot of not happy momentos.Im trying to forget with videogames AND porn Right now lazy to not Let annyone in AND help me.Is affecting my student life. Is really a problem For meHELP
I can say the one thing that has made me truly depressed is love. How can love, the one emotion humans are known for, be the thing that shoots you down? Love has torn me. The worst of all of this is that the harm that has come to my life has only ever been produced by me. I ruined my relationship with the one person I probably will ever truly love. I know this person was special and my young ignorant arrogant ways have compromised my happiness.
I’m right there with you. Screw love.
I understand I m 48 and had finally met the love of my life and lost her because of my unwillingness to do the work fully in DBT. I just found out she went back to her ex husband just before Valentine’s Day I had to sedate myself and sleep through that whole do so I wouldn’t do anything stupid. I have had suicidal thoughts all my life and they were like back ground noise losing her has made them so loud. I do realize I just want the pain to stop. Sometimes I feel like something is so wrong with me she’s gone with him and I can’t stop thinking about her. That’s makes it so much worse. I do try to keep occupying myself hour by hour and I have the emergency hot line phone in my phone just in case. I send out my love to all who understand what I am going through I personally don’t know any one we were not allowed to talk to each other about this subject in DBT
I am totally alone, no friends, no family to speak of (only one friend that goes to stores for me). I need both hips replaced and back surgery and have been in bed for over a year. (My mom had a failed back surgery so I’m afraid of ending up in a home.. she was in one and they overdosed and killed her) Why am I here?? Why does God take beloved family members from people and leave me here…I just don’t get it
hello
Hi
I’m just not worthy to be alive really. I feel as if someone else should’ve been given life while I just stayed what I was, nothing. I’m a burden and it’s true… I have no job and still live at home. I argue with my mom too much and get frustrated and just think about killing myself because I know I shouldn’t let myself get angry if she does so much for me. Then it’s been a year since I’ve broken up with my girlfriend and everything is just spiraling down even more than it ever has in my life. I don’t talk to my friends because I don’t want them to know I’m jobless and can’t afford to get new tires to actually use my car. I’ve been suicidal since my dad passed away. I just feel like nothing in this life really truly matters to me anymore. Why continue when every damn day of my life I feel pain so deeply?
You stay because you still have hold of what’s left of your moral compass, that you don’t want to ‘pass on’ the curse, the hurt for loved ones to hold. You reach a point where you wonder what the point is in talking about it as no one can help you but yourself. Sometimes the battle is between feeling alone but wanting to be alone, the longing is for everything to be peaceful. No noise, no pain, no feelings, a still and quiet mind. That’s my burden to carry but the load is getting heavier.
Reading these comments makes me cry. I don’t know even know what to say. I have tried medication and therapy and the feelings always comes back. I don’t like dealing with people because they make me so damn depressed.
My mom and grandmother passed away a while back. My family could care less about me. I am single with no friends. Everytime i open my mouth people say im negative or are turned off even when i dont speak. I hate life and these comments make me so sad for myself and others
I feel the same. I have lost everyone from parents, friends and my fiancee( suicide). I have no faith in myself or where this world is headed. So on that note I am glad I’ll be dead so I won’t have to see it get worse. Hugs
I have tried my entire life to do what is expected of me and to
make those around me happy
I genuinely believe people around me want me to die. I’m alone most of the time, and have been for years. I live w a very painful disease and I’m probably better off dead. I don’t understand why the good I’ve done for others shine through.
I’m so angry…now. I wasn’t always this way, but even though I fight the thoughts of Suicide…they return.
I’m beginning to wonder if this curse will ever end. I know deep down that most people don’t want to be around me because I’m down.
I know how to change my outward behavior to appear and present normally. Like I’m not afraid and that I have my shit together. I don’t, though.
I’ve been admonished by a close friend who called me mentally ill and just started ignoring me.
It’s a shitty feeling being this lonely, isolated and afraid.
I’ve experienced limerance in love…when someone special fills your heart and soul…and you can’t erase them from your mind if you tried.
Why is Suicide such a limerant bastard in my life? I’m so over the thoughts.
I can’t think of a time that I have never thought about suicide.. Like right now I see no reason to be alive. All I want is to die.
Thanks for writing this. I’ve been suicidal for 20+ years. Depression comes and goes, but the urge to end it all is constant. I’m 50, beyond broke, jobless, no kids, never married. I have avoided most things that people seek in life because I know that someday it was always going to end with me taking my own life. I spend time- sometimes hours in a day- planning, plotting, visualizing my death. Avoiding friends/romance seemed the responsible thing to do so I don’t leave an even bigger mess when I go. I sometimes regret that, never knowing what might have happened, but if I had to do it all again I don’t think I would change a thing. My attachment to the idea of taking my own life is more important to me than anything else. Few people understand that, but paving the path to my inevitable suicide is the only way I can make it through the day.
The article perfectly expresses my current situation, a lifetime of depression and failure of medication to correct the emotional damage caused by childhood sexual abuse and parental negligence. I have all the means to take my life away at this moment in my life, somehow that has given me hope and a sense of relief, I have time to cope….
I have been suicidal since I was around 12 years old. It started with my parent’s divorce and then bullying and I’ve always circled around the idea of it. Sure, I have had a good life so far, but I fear that one day a pain will hit me so hard I will just go ahead and hang myself because the thought of doing that is so normalised in my mind. I don’t want to do this but I hate myself so much and I always face the same problems in life. I have tried relentlessly to change but I feel my identity has plateaud and this is who I am. I feel I have no real friends close to me in my town, I feel distant and I think I have a personality disorder. I always question everything I do in my mind, I pretend to be confident but I know I am not. Usually I feel uncomfortable when with other people or outside and do not know how to respond in a manner that is “me”. Who am I? I don’t think this will ever change, I understand why nobody retains long-term contact with me.
This describes me. I have thought about dying since I can first remember. I’m 64 now. I actually hate myself and have my whole life but have never told anyone. I have just wished I was dead since I could ever remember. There’s no reason for it. As far as I know I’ve had a pretty decent life tho I’ve made some bad decisions here and there but never hurt myself. I have wonderful children and two dogs I love. In the past several years I had breast cancer, someone I cared for deeply broke my heart cruelly, I lost everything I owned in a Hurricane, and I am now at the brink of complete financial ruin because I can’t find a job of the kind to let me keep my replacement house I got because of my age. My son will let me and my dogs live with him and that makes me hate myself even more. What a loser I am. Why was I born? I’m worth more dead than alive. I need to die. I am a waste of space. Life has been wasted on me. God blew it. And I want to go but I know it will hurt the kids. If only the cancer had taken me.
I wouldnt feel guilty about living with your son. I would be proud that I raised such an admirable young man who truly cares for his mother. I can understand your desire to die. Suicidal thoughts and behavior is something Ive suffered with since childhood. I get mental health treatment. I hope you are getting proper treatment. That should make life safer for you, so I urge you to get it. Suicidality and self-hatred defy reason – it is the WORST form of suffering. You deserve to be happy and truly deserve love both from yourself and others. Good luck, I wish you all the best 🙂
I think this is the only site I’ve found where deeply distressed people talk about their distress and suicidal ideation. This is not well understood by society as we don’t want to die, but life is just so terriby distressing for us despite the help lines. drugs. talk therapies etc which I suspect most people writing on here have already tried without success.
For myself I have had about 40 medicines, ect, thousands of hours psychotherapy and then financial loss, ending my career, followed by arrest for trying to help my suicidal ideation. Convicted for trying to get help for suicidal thoughts ; malicious communication! England
I think about killing myself on a daily, ever since I had my third child with my girlfriend nothings been the same I should be happy but I feel so low and stuck, I argue with my 5 year old because she dosnt eat anything I ever make her and when I yell at her I sometimes go a little overboard and make her cry, I feel horrible after to the point I wanna bash my head into the sharp corner of my dresser I snap out of it cuz I know if I did that she would find me and I would traumatize her… sometimes I wanna run away and killmyself I never think how just anyway to not exist but I think I cant leave my kids with my girlfriend to take care of them by herself thats not right so I live with this pain in my heart and mind with no hope of help, this comment might seem retarded but its the hard truth of how I feel, i worry one day I just might
This does not sound retarded. I feel this way so often. Fighting with my husband and yelling at my kids are my main triggers for feeling like I don’t deserve to live. My kids are the only reason I’m still here. Poverty and fear keeps me in my marriage.
i want to kill myself
It’s sad you feel that bad. I hope you will talk with someone about it. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline 24/7 at 800-273-8255 to talk with someone immediately, or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. I list other places, too, where you can get help by phone, email, text, or online chat at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
The ‘National Suicide Prevention Lifeline’ is a joke. Sure there are people there who want to help, and perhaps some people are in fact helped, but I when I try to call I am often put on hold for a very long time. Or I might call and it might take a long time for anyone to even pick up. Sometimes they NEVER pick up and I just hang up. So whats the point to even try and call them?
The endless need to escape. The endless pain of each breathe. The lack of help, even when you beg for someone to ‘save’ you. The blame others give to you for feeling you can’t go on. The guilt you feel for wanting it to end knowing you will hurt others. I have been so strong to keep going for thirty years. I see the comfort of knowing I can, but it is not enough and I spiral out of control. I lose myself and I would do anything to go back to the beginning or fast forward to the end. I think I am a dreamer who was desperate to be saved. It’s took me over thirty years to realise no one is there to do this, it’s down to me. I have to get through the minutes, hours and it will be another day. Groundhog Day.
Struggle with the urge all the time, got rid of my car years ago (16yes) as was sure I would folllow through the urge to drive into a wall…. tried to hang myself failed (obviously ) still here ??♀️ I experienced a near death experience (resuscitated) peaceful experience (accidental drowning) feel everyone better off without my drama….. they will miss me! But will get over it as death is part of life, have a rope in car that if the fear takes over I am prepared ? (brownie/guide law) as realise I fight to live but don’t know how to deal with anger (forgive everyone) cant solve my kids issues and feel to blame for how they are…. not their fault I just want peace from not fitting in and understanding what life wants from me ? whole life felt put down never good enough, couldn’t do anything for doing something wrong. Don’t like love as quite warped as people that claim to love should not hurt you …. trust to me is more than love but trust can be broken ❣️? Only happy when I make people smile ? feel a failure if I can’t achieve that ? lol from the heart ❣ ? don’t plan to kill myself but; struggle with situations that I will act on as can’t help! Can’t face or deal with…. still here and trying everyday, looking forward to going to a life coach Feb. 19 ( hypnosis helped me through 4 yrs) the fear of sharing what we think is our madness.. first time sharing ??♀️? feel mad at times but I am sure I am not alone ?❣️? ??
I just want to say we are all deeply loved by Jesus and that’s a reason I’m still here, I’f not for ourselves, we can try to be strong for Him.
Thank you. You’re right.
Knowing that there is always that option of dying and leaving this hell called life does make situations more tolerable.
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I feel little bit relieved after i stumbled in to this page.earlier i didn’t even know what my mental disorder was,in spite i lack nothing in my life suicidical thoughts are overwhelming in my mind,it happens up to hundred times a day,my mind say i can not do nothing,even i cannot enjoy a funny clip or a beautiful scenery,i also have had four suicidical attempts and know its not that much easy,nothing interests me anymore and i just live since just dying is not the solution.i am just 19 and have to enjoy the rest of my life,please give me a solution so i can move on.
The problem for some of us is that our suicidal habits of thought clearly correspond to a terminal pathological condition, otherwise known as the human race.
For people suffering from this devastating and terrible disease, there really is no asylum outside of a grave. For some of the victims of the people plague, the crass stupidity, imbecilic pride, and sadistic cruelty of the awful company we’re forced to keep, goes beyond all endurance, especially for those marked out for persecution by the mob, condemned to a hopeless martyrdom, at the bum-end of the spiritual food-chain…
Even sleep brings no respite from your condition; all my dreams are just a dramatization of my incurable self-loathing, of my impotence in the face of vile humanity.
Yet I go on living, in spite of any rational reason for doing so.
I’ll take a break and think about it. Seems like a good idea for me.
Five months ago out of the blue I became suicidal and started cutting. My body is so cut up, it looks like I have cut for a lifetime. I’ve had 17 suicide attempts since September, 5 psych ward stays, and I am still a suicidal cutting wreck. Yesterday, I threw out everything I own when the garbage went out. I only saved one outfit and a pair of pjs. I don’t know how people actually succeed at suicide. I won’t shoot myself, I won’t hang myself, I won’t go crash my car cause it could hurt someone else. All I know is pills and that just makes me end up in the ICU or psych ward. So, here I am as they say “all dressed up and nowhere to go” meaning I am done with life, all my possessions are thrown out, yet nothing I have tried has worked. This really sucks.
I have many many cuts too. Scars won’t fade.
Hello there, I’m a 31 year old woman and I’ve been thinking about ending my life since I was five. I remember I wanted to eat poisonous food, or run into the ocean and never come back. When Kurt Cobain dies, I was only 6 or 7 and I wanted to do the samw thing. Although I never did any suicidal attempt but I thought of suicide all my life. It’s like almost everyday I’m imagining myself jump over the bridge or hang myself to die.
The thing that is strange for me is… I never really been bullied. I mean I have a normal life, good grades, few good friends. No abusive parents (but I admit they’re kind of neglecting me). I kept this thought as a secret until I was 24. I told my boyfriend and he did nothing. We broke up, and I took a master in psychology. That was the time I told some people about my thought and it’s getting better.
But recently I have the same thought coming everyday. I don’t know what I should do now…
The only reason I haven’t taken my life is because of my loving girlfriend who has loved me more than I love myself.
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I gave family the facts they wont acknowledge my pain always say dont think about it i been abused my entire life from 4 1/2 yrs old sexually to age 65 yrs old i dont have a purpose but to suffer
I have no idea who you are but my heart aches hearing you feel like you don’t have a purpose. No one is born with a purpose, and suffering is not the highlight of existence. The morsels of happiness you create with anyone you’ve ever cared about are the light in your life. Create new bridges, and burn those that impede you.
Im a over fifty year old women, my life has been a bit of a bitch, but it didn’t work out how I thought it would, I’m married I have two children, two grandchildren, and two more grandchildren on the way,, people think I should be over the moon by all this, I’m happy for everyone, but I’m done, I’m OK with suicide,, my two boys don’t like me much any more we don’t talk as mum and son any more, my husband and I aren’t emotionally or physically close any more, I’m just working my arse off at work, stupid days and hours for what….
To be honestly alone for another twenty years knowing all I mentioned, I just don’t care enough about anyone to drag out my fake smiles for that long… If I had a non painful way to leave I would do it immediately,, but then I would be the bitch…
For young people I think it’s wrong cause life may turn out great, but for us that don’t want to keep going, how do we explain this to the people that may be sad that it is a mature decision to leave.
And yes my first thought every single morning is.. Damn, I’m still here, then I think, shit the kids might be upset, but.. and this is truthfully stated, they deep down would get over it pretty quickly, they have their own families and life now, but I’m just done, I’m over it I’m bored with life, I don’t want to fight or argue about things any more, I just want to..
Rest, leave, be left alone, not be responsible for my bad parenting, etc etc.
And no I don’t need therapy, I just don’t see the point in 5 10 or 20 more time wasting years,.
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I’m sorry you feel this way. I’m young, 30 with a family wife 3 kids the works. But for a while I have been done. I have been so wronged by the ones I love that I’ve lost hope I feel my kids would be better off with out a f*** up of a father they deserve better. The daily thought of suicide helps me, I do keep telling myself my daughter needs me my son wouldn’t even know and my 3rd is already gone so yea. I just feel as if I’m losing them I want to cry all day it’s hard fighting it back
Hi Jared…..hey man I have been there…..three kids is tough on any guy, but it does get better… like you I worried about being always depressed, worthless and not good enough….kids would be better off without me. Well, somehow I didn’t go away (took the easy way out), so I got to see my kids succeed, get married and actually make me feel valuable to them. Focus all your energy towards the success of your kids, so you can break the pattern of emotional depression. Deleting yourself will only bring deep emotional baggage to your kids.
I get you! I’m almost 50 and I’m just tired. I’m over working every day & trying to make everyone happy. I told my therapist I was having an existential crisis and then she reminded me that I could live for another 30 years or so and I responded, “No thank you, I have no interest in doing this for even 10 more years, let alone 30!” I just don’t see the point. I’ve got the husband, kids, dog, & career, so now what?
Can u help!! There is no help is there?
My son died there is nothing anyone can do? Wot do I do??
Life is never the same
Jane,
I’m sorry for your loss. So painful and tragic and unnecessary.
I list some resources for people who have lost a loved one to suicide at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#survivors.
In particular, one resource that might be useful to you is the Survivor Outreach Program of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention. Through this program, another “suicide loss survivor” can give you support and guidance by phone, video call, or (in some areas) in person.
AFSP also offers support groups all over the U.S. for suicide loss survivors.
Although grief is inescapably painful, I hope you are able to find some support and peace from others and within yourself.
I want to help, email me. thepandamantv@gmail.com
I think about dying a lot. I have lots of pain and doctors CAN’T help cause of laws with pain meds, won’t allow them to. I’m depressed because I can’t function enough to walk my dog or take care of myself. I am too young to get help from all the help age related programs. I’m a good person but I need to be able to help others but I can’t do for myself!
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What about home health care thru ur ins? Even medicaid offers that
I think of it everyday as u with no pain meds I’m in bed most of time can’t clean house or me can’t cook I keep chips ice cream and pop corn as my food try to cook 8 -10 days and then freeze later could say more but I’m 63 worked all my life I get $15.00 on food stamps and landlord sold my place and rent was raised $225.00 month!! He told me didn’t care about my prob he’s in it to make money!! I live in East coast MD/VA line called from DE to SC for housing help all..all have 2 year or more waiting list!! If I did find a place don’t know how to move can’t get to store 3 mins away!! So my dear even if u had all to qualify for something there is nothing out there!! So sorry also have me/Drs u may want to Google that but I wish I had better news my table is stacked with bills!! So sorry I went on so much guess venting instead of doing other
I deal everyday with suicidal thoughts. As a child/teen I was badly bullied. Home life was the type where you could bring friends over. I grew up alone. I have so much anger inside of me and I can’t seem to face it without the rage taking over. Sometimes it seems like suicide is the only answer to bring free from that anger. I tried in the 90s I wished I had succeeded. I have a plan but not the courage to do it. I just want this anger to go away.
I have that too and was bullied too.
Same.
I have only recently thought and planned suicide in my head. I was the type that couldn’t understand what would make someone have those thoughts. I have no reason for having these thoughts accept that I feel like it is the only escape from this empty feeling I have. The void that is me on this earth would be much better filled with someone else. I am the king of failure and the master of wrong decision. It is only my children and the unknown of afterlife that has kept me breathing.
Hi, Jason. What you wrote rings true with me too. It’s like I have no purpose. Why am I here? So we work till we can’t then die? Never can get ahead. I feel something malevolent is weighing me down. I have the worst luck. Also if people know me they die somehow. So I choose to be lonely than to hurt someone else. Hugs
I need help
Nakita,
I’m sorry you’re struggling. You can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 to talk with someone immediately, or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. Both are available 24/7. I list other places, too, where you can get help by phone, email, text, or online chat at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp
This is me. I have lived with suicidal ideation since I was about 10. I remember sitting on a tire swing, wrapping the rope around my neck and wishing I knew how to make a hangman’s noose. That was almost 30 years ago. The thought of suicide never left me. Sometimes it was a comfort, as I sat in my room thinking about my failures, hating the pain I felt, hating my fears. It reassured me to know I could choose.
It always drives me nuts when I think about trying to talk about my ideation to someone and worrying about whether I would end up under the Baker Act. It is nice to know that some people understand that just because I think about suicide a lot, it doesn’t mean that I am going to do it.
Sometimes talking about things helps, but what can you do when you talking about a potential issue just means you risk losing your freedom?
Exactly my thoughts.
I’m working hard to build my life into something better. There’s a chance that it could turn into a life I feel like living. But I am not optimistic.
I’m 37 and have been depressed all my life. I’ve tried it all: various medicines, therapists, mindfulness, lifestyle modifications, etc. Some things work better than others (I’m currently taking Lexapro, it helps me stay even).
I’m lucky enough to have a girlfriend that I’m deeply in love with. This has helped me realize that happiness is possible. She honestly brings me a lot of joy.
But I can’t get away from depression. It’s in large part a function of money at this point. I don’t live large, and I work very hard, but I still can’t make ends meet very well. I constantly worry about money, and my living situation sucks.
I think about suicide nearly ever day, in a pretty matter of fact way. My parents are alive, and hopefully will be for another decade or two. But when they pass, if things are still the same in my life, I will kill myself.
I struggle so much with how to be honest with my girlfriend about my depression. I talk to her openly about it and she’s very supportive. However, I’ve never broached suicide with her (or really anyone else).
My take on it is that life is an amazing experience that is incredibly valuable. However, I feel that value is in the eye of the beholder. In my case, I do not feel that life is “worth it.” I’ve had, and continue to have, incredible experiences. But even so, on balance, I don’t consider the pain, anxiety, and hopelessness to be worth dealing with.
It’s sad. I have every tool anyone could ask for to make an incredible life (literally every single one) except my brain is messed up, I’m poor, and I suck at life. And I can’t make it work. Been trying for decades. Don’t have a ton of hope any more. I am really continuing to make an effort (getting better jobs, being introspective, living healthy, etc). Hopefully things change. But if they don’t, I will be very matter of factly and calmly ending my life in a quiet, secluded place. For me, life is filled with depression, anxiety, and very little hope, and the only reason I’m still here is my parents.
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My 26 year-old daughter approached me yesterday about a fundraising effort at her former high school as a means of memorializing the life of her brother who died of suicide during his freshman year at the same high school. The school is selling brick pavers which will be engraved with the names of present and former students who have attended the high school. While my daughter’s desire to memorialize her brother in this manner is both admirable and sweet, I thought of the irony that attached to her gesture. My only son’s life and the memory of him is reduced to a brick — a fucking brick!
I would like to take that brick and throw it through that obscure window to shatter any illusions about family members and loved ones being “better off” without the person who struggles with chronic suicidal thoughts! My 15 year-old son died more than six years ago and there is STILL not a day that goes by that I don’t think of him and yearn for his presence.
James, I know that your life-long struggle with depression has been exhausting to you and that it has taken every ounce of your personal strength reserves just to persevere. But, I admire you, my friend, for somehow finding the personal wherewithal to continue the fight. Life can be a real bitch at times. You don’t have to look far among the comments contained on this page to realize that there are countless persons who are involved in real-life struggles just to stay alive. These people are not gluttons for punishment in life. Instead, they should be viewed as real-life heroes who wage a constant battle to suppress thoughts of self-annihilation. I implore you to continue to fight the good fight, James, for the alternative is too horrific to contemplate to those who are important to you and care for your well being.
I salute you for seeking out the services of a psychiatrist who has prescribed Lexapro for you which, by your own admission, “helps to keep [you] even.” There may well be other therapies or combination of drugs which work synergistically to bring you even greater relief. Your comments affirm that you have pursued multiple avenues toward recovery. There may well be no silver bullet (if you will pardon the expression); but, I urge you to continue in your quest to find whatever works best for you. I’m delighted by your comment that your girlfriend with whom you profess to be “deeply in love with” is the kind of person about whom you can say, “She honestly brings me a lot of joy.”
So, stay the course, my friend. Find your happiness no matter how elusive or ethereal it may seem at times. Your strength can be found not in those obstacles or impediments that block or interfere with your happiness; but, rather, in how you confront, battle, and overcome those challenges in life. You were meant to be victorious in life. Please do not give up. Keep walking…keep moving forward…you can do this! But never allow your life to be reduced to a brick paver.
This is a helpful comment 🙂
James….like yours, my depression has been with me since I hit puberty. I just turned 59, my now ex-wife of 30 years divorced me last year. Now I find myself at the final junction. I have the key in my hand..ready to turn off the lights. I don’t care about anything anymore. Having the final exit option at hand has been good in that it has given me some sort of comfort, some assurance that I now control my life and my mind. I have learned to get myself out of the black hole cycles and also learned a way to extract myself from depressive thoughts. I am not out of the woods, but I am functional. I am self employed but yet unable to make enough to totally cover all my expenses, so I am basically living off of my life savings. Once that’s gone…then I will have to go …..but hopefully, I will get busy and creative enough to keep the defeating thoughts out of my mind.
You are young, with a good number of productive years ahead, fight to live
I have dealt with suicidal thoughts and depression for a little over a year now. I never really had these thoughts prior to my first serious breakup. Now, I feel completely alone and hopeless. It’s been 8 months now and I still deal with the same thoughts of complete loneliness. The problem is, when I reach out to people I’m met with, “It was just a girl, get over it” “That’s not so bad, others have it worse” “You just want attention”. This is what riddles me the most. I often ask myself, “Am I just being a wimp?” I may not have the levels of trauma that others have experienced but the constant thought of suicide is still very real. I’ve attempted it before and no one believes me. My legitimate cries for help go unnoticed because I’ve become a pro at putting on this “face” for the world where I seem totally normal and content with life. The reality is, I don’t want to die, but I would have no problem being gone. Completely forgotten and out of everyone’s way. I don’t speak to anyone anymore, I pushed everyone out of my life and sit in my room feeling sorry for myself every single day. What scares me most is how aware of this I am. I know I’m the only one who can change my life but I have zero care in the world to do that. I’m 20 years old and should be living the prime years of my life right now. Instead, I cut up and down my arm at least once a week and make no effort to better anything. I’ve accepted depression into my life. If it wasn’t for my guitar and my music I would honestly be dead already. Getting help seems impossible. No one believes me. Everyone thinks I’m just really moody and rude all the time. I just don’t care anymore. I literally searched “I want to kill myself everyday” in Google and found this. I have no job, no friends, no support cast, no care in the world for anything. I’m coasting through life with a “fuck it” mentality and have no idea what to do…
I have been there…..all my life(59)…..some days are better and some are not so much, but I have managed to move alone and keep the dark side of me on check. Analyze yourself, the root causes of the pain, learn ways to extract yourself from the dark side….you have a great tool….the guitar and music. I wished I could have that talent. I won’t seek help or tell anyone of my struggles, because you only expose yourself to losing your liberty…hospitalized and billed the most outrageous and extraordinarily high costs….the American way for sure. I have seen the bills posted by people who have “gotten help” ….the kind of help that will surely make you wanna end it all for sure.
Just don’t let yourself fall into the poor me pity hole, know the triggers and be proactive about shutting down thoughts…even if you have to shout at yourself …Stop it!
Get away to some peaceful place, Mountain town, farming commune….away from cities and phones……go to that Quiet Zone town…..everyone is talking about…..find yourself, accept yourself and live your life your own way.
Do you ever read people’s comments and understand their pain without finding your own?
I need to be locked up for a bit for few days or week soon as I got thoughts i tryed last night but gave way need help now
Matthew T,
In case you haven’t gotten help already, you can do one of the following for immediate assistance:
1. Go to your nearest hospital emergency room and tell them what you’ve written here.
2. Call 911 and tell them you’re in immediate danger of killing yourself.
3. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 (TALK). They can initiate a “rescue” by calling emergency services for you.
I hope you stay safe!
Thank you and stay stay too
It really sucks that there aren’t any resources to truly help with this. I am a 43 yo male with BPD, schizo affective disorder, and diabetes that I cannot control. I’ve been mentally hospitalized three times in six months. I have no wife and no children. I think about death every day. What is the point? I have no job and my body just gets weaker every day. I see no hope that my life will ever improve, and it’s much more likely to get worse, not better. Aren’t I an ideal candidate for suicide?
Strange for so many years I have been one who has always given advice to others under oppression anger and hardship. But for the last decade or so it seems like there’s this little voice hiding in the shadows of my mind that’s telling me something different about myself. Suicide has been on my mind quite chronically for the last couple of years. Even sat down and figured out how I’m going to do it if it ever does occur. I am not married, I don’t have a relationship, I have a job but it’s a job nothing more. I’m 62 years old my health isn’t what it used to be. Everyday I struggle with finances trying to work no savings to speak of credit went down the tubes over a year ago. I’m torn between a part of me that condemns life and I’m tired of it and another part of me that condemns condemning life. on my monthly check-up sheet there’s a depression it rating of 1 to 10 and presently it’s a seven. Everyday I wake up and for some reason I move forward but every hour of moving forward there’s a part of me that hates it. No friends to speak of family members are pretty much just that a brother and a sister I hardly ever see or talk to because all three of us are totally different types of people with totally different lifestyles. sometimes I want to admit myself to a facility or some sort of counseling but I fear for my job. I fear for what any form of credibility I have as a so-called human being in the face of the public. I am a conundrum of mixed emotions. My temper has gotten worse my patience not what it used to be. I will never ever malicely hurt another innocent person. But it seems like there’s more darkness within my heart than what lights there used to be. I wish the Pinnacle of all things achieved for goodness paths that we’re taking the right direction. A few of the usual left turns but we’re simple the last couple of years they have been nothing but left turns and dead ends keep trying to rationalize the trials and tribulations of bad choices bad luck and unfortunate circumstances but I just can’t seem to focus like I used to.
Sorry to hear that, Lee. I hope things get better for you. When I’m going through serious bouts of depression, I sometimes try pouring myself into a hobby, like painting or playing guitar, something to keep busy and that’s supposed to be relaxing and fun. Try doing something new you’ve never done before or even simply try going for a walk. Last summer I was going through a particularly rough time and I took up playing Pokémon Go on my phone so much it became an obsession. Well it worked and took my mind off how bad things were. It wasn’t a permanent solution to make me 100% happy but it did prevent me from hurting or killing myself. Plus is brought me closer to certain people I didn’t expect to bond with over. My point is find something positive to distract yourself, keep busy and hopefully find something to make you happy. Good luck.
I am 13 years old. I have thought of suicide ever since I was 5, I think. I think about suicide everyday. I have tried it many times. But the only thing that made me stop, was me thinking of all the people who would miss me if I did, and that I didn’t talk to anyone about it. Yesterday I tried again. It hurt. Which is also what stopped me.
the only reason I don’t get help is because I’m scared.
[This comment was edited to remove details about suicide attempt methods, per the Comments Policy. – SF]
Stella,
I’m grateful that you have something so important — thoughts of the people who would miss you — to deter you from suicide. However, I’m terribly sad about all the pain and suicidal thoughts you experience, especially since you appear to be alone with them, with nobody helping you.
Please do ask for help. I know it’s scary. But a lot of good can come from getting help. There are effective treatments for suicidal thoughts, such as cognitive behavior therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, and the Collaborative Assessment and Management of Suicidality. Some medications also have been helpful for suicidal people.
You also can use the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, if you are in the U.S.
Thanks for sharing here. I hope it helped you to feel at least a little less alone with your suicidal thoughts.
I’m a young adult and I think about suicide every single day and have done so for many years. I’ve never before come across an article related to suicide that resonated with me so much. I find the thought of ending my own life a great comfort, in fact, at times it is the only thing which helps calm me during panic attacks. Knowing that I can just flip the switch and all the pain will be gone, no more thinking, no more feeling. For the sake of my family I hope I can find the strength to keep living, but I have definitely made peace with the idea of suicide, as grim as that may sound. There’s just so much cruelty and pain in this world that I cannot make sense of. I wish I didn’t care as much as I do, then maybe I wouldn’t suffer so much.
I’m 34 and have thought about suicide daily since I was in my early twenties and on a regular basis since I was a kid. I absolutely abhor my life. In the past I couldn’t figure out what was worse, the depression, anxiety, or loneliness. These days the loneliness seems to be killing me slowly the most. I’ve found that it’s usually my bouts of extreme loneliness that have brought out my worst depression and anxiety. I’ve never been in a relationship since I know I’m broken beyond repair, and I’d hate to be that guy that tricks some woman into loving him only to have her find out she ended up with an unlovable animal. My suicidal thoughts don’t only pop up daily now, they pop up hourly. Those auditory hallucinations people hear before completely falling asleep… well, for me they’re just filled with voices telling me it’s time to go. The article is right, after a while the thoughts become so normal.
[This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. – SF]
Al,
I’m sorry to hear about all of your struggles. You mentioned loneliness. I have given great thought to this topic as it is just as unhealthy as smoking. What do you think we can do to solve the epidemic of loneliness?
Honestly…. nothing. I don’t think there is a solution. Talking from experience as a lonely person, I actually feel lonelier when around people as I feel I don’t fit in anywhere. When I’m completely alone the loneliness hurts so much that I actually physically feel it in my chest but the loneliness “makes sense” since I’m alone. When I feel it while around people it’s worse since it technically shouldn’t make sense as it were. As a result, while alone, my thoughts of suicide are more thought out and methodical but when around people my anxiety shoots up and my suicidal thoughts become erratic. It’s just something I have to live with since I don’t believe there is or ever will be a cure.
I can’t even express how much this article and these comments speak to me. I am 29 years old and have thought about suicide almost daily. It is not like I am going to act on it right now or anything but as the article said, it really feels like “I’m so stressed today, I should just hang myself”. I asked my husband three years ago if these thoughts were normal. I thought everyone was like this, like this was life. I’ve gone to one therapist a few times and talked about my anxiety but never about my depression. Never about my chronic suicidal thoughts. I’ve been scared of the consequences. What if they see me as a danger to myself and take immediate action? I am not in immediate danger but I do wish I could go more than three days without fantasying about how if life got too hard, I always had an out. I want to enjoy my life more. I want to love the fact that I am alive everyday instead of fighting to stay alive everyday. Is this what chronic depression feels like? Is it something that medicine and therapy could fix?
As someone who has admitted themself to a mental hospital and has had therapy and medication I can say that yes it has helped but I continue to struggle with depression and suicidal thoughts. I’m at the point where I’m not entirely sure if it will ever go away. There are tracks of time where I believe I feel normal but also long tracks of time where I’m not and I struggle to keep from breaking down. It is a long process.
However, I believe if I had not gotten help I’d be dead.
Of course, people are different and will have different problems and outcomes but if you believe you would benefit from seeking help please do. There is no shame in it and as long as you aren’t physically hurting yourself you wont be detained for your own safety. It definitely wont hurt to try and do something positive for yourself and your family.
I’m not sure if people continue to read these comments or not.
I think of suicide daily most wouldn’t think that I have these thoughts I hide them. I’ve never talked to anyone about it. You see I have a wonderful wife two beautiful children and what most people think is a good job. But my job is killing me I constantly worry about it you see I don’t have a college degree or a trade but I managed to get a high paying job (lucky right) with all that being said my job is toxic. I work on call now they are forcing me to work along ways from home and gone ALOT. They change things daily and expect me to adapt I’m getting older and it’s harder to do that I struggle with the drive to and from work 140 miles one way and work 12 hours a day in a hostile work(CSX) environment. I can’t just go out and get another job because of the pay and benefits you see my family needs it I don’t want to let them down. I think everyday well when it gets to the point I can’t take it anymore I will just commit suicide I’m not scared of dying it don’t bother me I just know that my kids and wife will have a better life if I’m not here. My wife is getting older like me so I think if I’m gonna do something it would be easier on her if I done it while she can still find someone and move on my children are young and like all parents I love them dearly. I just wanted to vent. Thank you.
Hey, you seem pretty concerned about your family and their well being. What do you think would happen if you killed yourself? I think they would struggle pretty hard if not financially then mentally, pretty much negating everything you are trying to do for them. Money isnt everything and I’m sure your family would be much happier with less money and a husband/father. I understand your reluctance to leave your high paying job as someone that didnt even finish high school, I understand completely. There’s more to life than money and status. You are lucky enough to have a partner that loves you and kids that look up to you. There are those of us out here that struggle to find that. Dont throw it away. Keep your head up.
Thank you for taking your time to read and your words of encouragement.
My dear brother GH, the lie you are telling yourself is that your “kids and wife will have a better life if [you’re] not here.” It would not make anything easier for your wife and children. Instead, it would simply DEVASTATE those that you, yourself, describe as your “wonderful wife [and] two beautiful children”. Please believe me when I tell you that I am not trying to put any kind of guilt trip on you. Your clinical mental depression is doing a good enough job at that all by itself. But trust me when I say that there are no warm and fuzzy feelings left in the aftermath of a suicide. The wake of destruction left behind in the lives of those you love is, without exception, a direct and inevitable consequence of the action you are contemplating on a daily basis. Trust me…I know, having lost an immediate family member to the scourge of suicide. Please consult the resources that Dr. Freedenthal has listed in the link contained at the top of this page. Please give your life a chance. Please give your family a chance to avoid the unrelenting emotional heartache which has been my own struggle after losing a much-loved family member to the cruel legacy of suicide. Find a new job if you must. Even a lesser paying job would be better than the job facing your loved ones should you make the regrettable decision of finding relief in the wrong direction that can never be taken back. I wish you peace, strength, perseverance, and endurance in the path that lies ahead. Your life matters.
Thank you so much for responding. Your comments are greatly appreciated. I’m so sorry for your loss. I truly just want what’s best for my family and I just figured I’m gone so much it really doesn’t matter.
How can you be suicidal with all that? I have no job, live at home at 43, horrible physical health, no gf or wife, no kids. Surely you would have ended it all by now if you had my life.
I’m sorry I’m just in the mood to be a real asshole right now. I hate my fucking life so much and I am stuck with it until I die. I HAVE to end this pain
I apologize for sounding like I want pity. I consider myself lucky to have a family I really do. I feel extremely guilty for feeling the way I do. I want to give them as many opportunities in life as possible like all husbands and fathers want. with all that being said I feel an extreme amount of pressure to provide a good life for them and my job is making it harder and harder. If I lose my job I will provide for them one way or another. I pray for everyone i wish we all could find peace and happiness. I apologize for sounding selfish and ungrateful. God Bless
Mike,
You obviously are suffering, deprived of many things that most people desperately want: love, health, work, independence. I’m sorry you’re in so much pain that you feel you must die.
At the same time, people who might appear to have what you lack, such as GH, are not immune to pain. Suicidal thoughts strike people of every persuasion: rich or poor, famous or unknown, healthy or disabled, highly educated or illiterate, young or old, married or single, etc.
I’m sorry that you’re hurting so badly, Mike. I hope that you are able to get at least some of what you crave and need in life. I can see how bewildering it must feel to see someone who appears to have what you want but still has suicidal thoughts, just as last summer so many people couldn’t understand the suicides of the celebrities Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain, who each enjoyed great wealth, fame, and success.
If you want to talk with someone about your struggles, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. I list other resources, too, at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
GH,
I think this exchange illustrates quite vividly — and painfully — that (sadly) nobody is immune to suicidal thoughts (or to the forces that give rise to them, such as despair, depression, hopelessness, stress, etc.) Someone might appear to others to “have it all” but, like you, still experience so much fear and stress that they think about ending their life.
You did not give me the impression of somebody seeking pity, or someone who is selfish or ungrateful, to use your words. Instead, you gave me the impression of somebody who is hurting and afraid due to forces beyond your control. I’m sorry about all you are dealing with.
I hope you will consider talking with someone about what you’re going through. As I told Mike, above, you can get help from a hotline, crisis text line, and more; I list resources at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Thank you for sharing here. I’m certain that your words will help others in similar situations to feel less alone.
Em, Ron, Christian, Diana and everyone else who has read and will read this thread…this comment is for you.
Know that I nervously type these words with my own therapy in mind. I am not a mental health professional and I don’t normally put comments online – I am here to find help and inspiration. I am just like you. I have contemplated suicide as recently as two days ago standing on a bridge for 3 hours in the middle of the night in the freezing cold wondering “why do I have to stay here, on this earth?” Since I was a child the constant allure of suicide has always been overwhelming. If you live in the states the mental health field is truly insufficient. We are so far behind when it comes to understanding the complexity of human emotion. (Have your read the DSM? I rest my case). Nevertheless, here are some tips that are keeping me alive this week:
1. Take a break from toxic people.
Sensates like yourself will only get drained by these folks (you know who they are). If you don’t have the courage to tell them you want to take a break just tell them you aren’t feeling well and avoid them until you can make a clean break. Know there will be upset emails and phone calls, don’t let that cause anxiety. Take care of you.
2. Get rid of social media.
Research shows that for people like us (chronic depression, anxiety, suicidal ideation) it increases suicide risk dramatically. Connect with people one to one in nature or at a coffee shop or over Netflix.
3. Meet 1 new neighbor.
You might read this one and think “yea right!” but the science is clear; if you know your neighbors and know they care about you, you are more likely to be happier and healthier. I’m super introverted so I didn’t have the courage to do this directly. I simply left a box of store bought cookies at two of .y neighbor’s doors with a not that said “Just wanted to introduce myself and say hello – neighbor in #…” We’ll see how they respond.
4. Find your fans.
Is there a niece/cousin/friend/coworker/cleaning person that admires you? Think of this person and be around them more. For me it is the maintenance man in my building. He always has a smile and is interested in my day. The adventures of a boring office worker. I’m not sure why, but he makes me feel better. It will brighten your mood to know someone really appreciates you or values your opinion.
5. Praise the small things.
Find two things you have enjoyed this week and send a note/text/email of appreciation. For me, one was a brand of ice cream that I recently found in the grocery. I emailed the company with a picture of my purchase and said “Thanks for making deliciously addicting ice cream.” Their response made me a bit happier, even if momentarily.
6. Get better help.
This is a hard one. I just got kicked out of group therapy two days ago for being “too suicidal.” As a sensate and introvert I was crushed. I left and wanted to die – drive myself off a bridge, take pills, jump off my building etc. I thought what kind of help is this? After I calmed down and stopped sobbing in my car I realized this therapy just wasn’t the right fit and I could probably find another group. Maybe it will take you 10 groups or 20 therapists, but you will find someone who can help that cares about things as deeply as you do. Don’t feel badly about this. All healthcare is not created equal.
This last one is hard for many who don’t suffer from suicidal ideation to understand…
7. YOU ARE “BETTER” THAN MOST PEOPLE.
I don’t mean this in a condescending way. Better doesn’t mean superior. We’re all born in this world together between blood and poop right? I’ve just come to realize that many people find happiness in being rule following, abiding complacent people. They don’t have to worry about (severe) anxiety, depression or suicide because they are okay with how messed up this world is. You and I are not. Instead of beating yourself up about it know that you are unique and the world desperately needs more people like you (and maybe me.)
Hang in there. I am. (Let me know if this comment is at all helpful and post what keeps you going) Sending love and peace. ✌
Introverted Sensate, I just wanted to thank you for your thoughtful and most insightful comments. You have provided specific and concrete suggestions that I believe would go a long way to help alleviate suffering among those who struggle with chronic suicidal thoughts. Please place me among those included in your Category #4. I admire you. Not to make light of a deadly serious subject, but please stay away from bridges! The world needs more people like you.
Thanks for your comment. The world needs more fans too. I’ll try to hang in there.
🙂
Introverted Sensate,
These suggestions are brilliant. It’s very generous and compassionate of you to share your insights with others who are hurting. I’m certain your words will help many people. Thank you!
🙂
Thanks for your articles and practical approach to suicide. I’ve read it many times and it always brings reassurance.
Introverted Sensate,
I’m grateful that the articles have helped you. Thank you for the feedback!
Thank you. I needed to hear something realistic I can actully try to put into motion in my own life. I’ve spent so much time reading, trying to educate myself on what may be wrong with me or how I can become more helpful in this crazy world. Meditation now does nothing more than pass the time peacefully. I want to learn to be productive and not want to die when im not.
Anyways, thank you for the post. It felt like someone was actully listening for a moment. I will keep your advice handy.
Thanks for sharing- I just actually just signed up for a meditation course. I hear it helps. We shall see. ☺
That’s great reading! What about when the toxic people are ur family…you have no friends bcuz they are junkies….and ur anxiety is so bad you’re stayed home for 15 years?
Cat- I think so many people can relate. Toxic people rarely change, including family or friends. I’m learning it’s not selfish to take care of your brain + body before others. Anxiety is horrible. So sorry to hear of your issues. I, and many others struggle with that as well. I am learning slow incremental change is better than nothing. Hang in there. (I’m talking to myself too.)
Thank you for making me laugh and I agree with the world needing people like us.. just wish it was somehow easier to exist. Surviving tonight .
Agreed. #surviving ?
This did help. Im having a lot of trouble finding good in my world. You are better. Thank you
I’ve always been a clutter minded person. Despite my young age, I’ve constantly contemplated the right from wrong decisions to make, even if I don’t necessarily make the “right choice”. I try to think of every aspect, possibility and outcome. Yet I cannot help but feel the lowest I’ve ever felt. The thoughts don’t go away, no matter how absurd and stupid and dramatic. My friend used my own thoughts against me in the way I was stupid and weak for thinking about ending my life or at least not wanting to be me, not being here anymore. I have this overwhelming feeling, that others don’t break things down and want to be there for me or try to understand me, the way I have done for all of them. I’m losing weight, losing my appetite, and even getting sick from not eating. I have no more energy and no more will. I’m desperate at this point. Told my bf I didn’t think I’d make it through the day. And he doesn’t understand that either. He almost makes fun of my sadness and hopelessness. Told me he’d bring me to the cliff himself. I need someone to talk to, before the next person that is, is my loved ones in the afterlife. That seems to be the most promising right now. I appreciate the friend that has been there for me, and my mother, even though my family can add onto the stress majorly. I’m at my wits end. I’m a very smart girl, so I’m very frightened my thoughts have come to this. I feel like my sisters can grow up without me now, I feel like I don’t have to be a bother anymore. I just want to rest.
Em,
It hurts to read about how badly you feel and about some responses you’ve gotten, such as your boyfriend telling you he’d drive you to a cliff. How sad!
You haven’t mentioned if you’re receiving professional help. Help is available. The problems you describe with emotions and thoughts are treatable. Please talk with a therapist or your physician.
You also can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at any time, at 800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text Line (also 24/7) at 741-741. I list other resources at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Please don’t do it. I love you
What does one do when a life long issue can’t get help no matter how much one wants it? I’ve attempted suicide 3 times and considering another attempt because I cant get help and can’t get meds refilled,the clock is ticking and I’m afraid I’m going to lose this daily battle..please help me…
Ron,
It’s painful to hear how much you’re hurting and needing help. I hope you will use one of the resources listed at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp. In particular, if you live in the U.S., you might try the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, and they can help connect you with resources where you live.
I wish you the best in finding the help you seek!
I’ve been feeling bad for two years. I was feeling right this week, but someone yelled at me saying I did something rude when it wasn’t my fault. Today feel bad because people put thoughts into our heads. If they keep yelling and arguing with me, I might go back to my old ways of thinking. Then it would be their fault for my slip back into my depressed way of thinking.
I just can’t stand living with any human cause my philosophy is “Humans are ALL the Same!”
I want to see people in another way, but they ALL do the same thing. That’s why I hate them all. They hurt others and Think THEY are the best in the world. I’m no God, but I know when people are being too high and react too heavily over a single topic.
Amen
I have daily thoughts of suicide and have been hospitalized twice in the far past for major depression. I am afraid I might act on it one day. I am a 56 year old female and have suffered from depression since I was a child. I have had A LOT and I do mean A LOT of major life events and they continue today. What counseling can I get? I live in Hanford CA and there are no services available in my area that my insurance covers. I have been told I need psychiatric care and several of my physicians have even not been able to find me a mental health professional. What do you recommend?
Diana,
How very frustrating to not be able to get the help you need, especially with the severity of your problems! Have you tried Kings County Behavioral Health? They might have options for you. The hospitals where you’ve been treated also ought to be able to help identify resources for you in town.
If you can afford it, you could also try online therapy. I don’t have a service to recommend, as I’m not sufficiently familiar with them to do so, but Google could help.
Also you can speak with someone for free at a hotline, text line, or a number of other services listed at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I’m sorry about how much you’re hurting and thinking of suicide. I hope you’re able to get effective help soon.
I’m the same, I’m so lost. I’m hurting really bad, suicide is in my family and I can’t afford to get help, I wish you can get help,
We are the same. And I’m in a big city…but have medicaid lol.
How sad that suicide need always be regarded as a negative event/ action. (We still speak of ‘committing’ suicide as if it’s a crime.)
Here’s to a time when we can allow people to ‘bow out gracefully’ vs. interpreting their choice (and often NEED) to die as being a crime/ attack/ defeat / lasting harmful legacy.
Do we so judge those people living with (eg) terminal cancer who decide to end their (ultimately fruitless) therapies?
PLEASE ALLOW US PEACE
Anonymous,
It’s interesting that you mentioned people living with terminal cancer who decide to end their lives, because that is considered a permissible form of suicide in several countries. Within the U.S., it’s legal in Oregon, Washington, California, Colorado, Hawaii, Montana, Vermont, and Washington, D.C.
I agree with you that we should avoid using the term “committed suicide,” which I wrote about in my article, “Language Matters: Committed Suicide vs. Completed Suicide vs. Died by Suicide.”
thank you. you are the 1st to confirm my exact thought on this matter. i am so resentful that its my responsibility to spare others a moment of sadness by sacrificing myself and being forced to exist in a state of suffering my entire life.
Tyler,
I used to think like this. Like all day everyday. But, you just gotta know that killing yourself is not the answer. I don’t know what’s going on in your life to lead you to feel this way, but trust me, from a person whose spent years wanting to end it all because of past mistakes and regret, just know, it does get better. It truly does. I know this may sound corny as hell, but find something that ignites that passion for you in life, for me, it was rediscovering my love of gaming, and I’m 33 years old dude. I truly love gaming now much more than I ever have before. I use it to unwind and help me get through tough and lonely times. My god, it does get lonely, but you ain’t alone in this world man. I’ve got your back, and I don’t even know you bro.
If you want to hit me up directly, email me at vtdrew1@gmail.com. I’m down to chat with you anytime I’m not working or sleeping. Keep ya head up!!!!
Andrew,
That’s so kind of you to reach out to Tyler like this. Your words will help others, too, who in danger of taking their life. Thank you.
I can’t stop thinking about suicide, im starting to get so frustrated about everything. Already lost my mother and brother to suicide, why not me? My wife left me, daughter and im all alone, I don’t know how to fix this?
Steve,
How devastating to have lost both your mother and brother to suicide, and now to be alone, too. Though I certainly hope you don’t act on your suicidal thoughts, I can understand why suicide calls out to you.
Are you getting help? Different kinds of treatment are available from therapists, psychiatrists, and other mental health professionals. You also can use a hotline, text line, or other resource listed at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I hope you’ve also received support around your mother and brother’s deaths. There are various resources available for suicide loss survivors, which I list at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#survivors.
Finally, being alone after your wife and daughter left you is very painful. Perhaps there’s a support group in your area for people going through divorce, or a minister/rabbi/imam, friend, or someone else can help.
To be honest its to the point I’m completely lost. I’m so scared. I’ve pushed everyone away now. Suicide seems to be the only option,,, I’m just so tired of this everyday pain, tears I can’t hide anymore. I’ve tried to get help but I can’t afford the doctor visit or the therapy or the mess if there is any. I made it to work today, I just don’t see any hope, thank you for the reply. I didn’t think anyone cares
Steve,
You communicate your pain here very well. I do care, and I hope you won’t give up the battle.
If you are in the U.S. and you go to an emergency room, they have to treat you for a health emergency even if you can’t pay. Please try that. The ER might, in turn, be able to connect you with resources.
Your pain and hopelessness might well be a symptom of a treatable disorder. I hope you will get help.
As always, you can find other resources such as hotlines at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I don’t remember a good day, I’m not sure how to hang on
Steve,
Please try to get help! If you call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, they will route you to your local hotline, and folks there should have some local resources for you.
Or you could go to an emergency room and tell them you’re suicidal, and they have to help you.
I hope you’re able to get professional help soon.
It’s Friday afternoon and I’m at work listening to everyone laughing and having a good time. Wish I could join in but I can’t because I don’t fit in. And my heart is breaking. You would think at my age, 59 that I would have life figured out and have a tough skin, but I don’t. Feeling suicidal at this moment, just want to run away so I don’t have to deal with this. I have no friends that I can talk to, can’t talk to anyone at work because I have trust issues and would use it against me for their satisfaction, can’t to family because I don’t want to upset them, can’t talk to anyone at church because they probably wouldn’t or don’t want to understand. Hate the holidays because everyone is with their spouses or significant other and I don’t have anyone. Sometimes the loneliness and rejection is SO BONE-CRUSHING and SPIRITUALLY-CRUSHING!! Can’t handle it anymore. ?
“Nobody,”
What a powerful description of the pain and isolation you’re experiencing right now. I’m sorry it’s so bad for you.
You named many people you can’t talk to, and I’m wondering if you’ve considered people who you could connect with, such as someone at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline (800-273-8255) or the Crisis Text Line (741-741). I list other places, too, where you can get help by phone, email, text or online chat, at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
You can talk to me anytime! Phototherapy1976@gmail.com
Jennifer,
Thank you so much for offering your support! It’s very kind of you.
I just want to kill
Myself and get this life over with
I’m sorry you feel that way. Help is available. I hope you will speak with someone about your suicidal thoughts, whether friends, family, or a professional like a therapist or your primary care physician. You can also try one of the hotlines, text lines, or other resources listed at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp
I totally understand where you are coming from. I’m not going to tell you to get over it. But please realize that there is someone in this world who cares about you. You may not see it right now but it’s true. Do something to keep yourself busy or talk to a friend. I keep telling myself that these thoughts will pass.
Jennifer,
Thank you for the supportive words you expressed to Tyler and others like him. I hope that you’re able to keep telling yourself the thoughts will pass – and, too, that you can keep telling yourself what you told Tyler.
What we tell ourselves is so important – especially when our life is at stake. I address this in my post, “Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts.”
The game of life is cruel, although it ironically creates happy delusions among the majority of people. The delusion is that we can all make it and be happy. Sorry, look around. All biological life survives either by eating another or by crowding out another for resources. Even plants crowd out each other for the sun’s rays. This is what is so bizarre: we all come from a long line of winners (our parents who procreated), but there is no guarantee any of us will have the “right stuff” to live a happy and well-connected life ourselves. I also think most psychological problems are related to sexual desire because if you’re constantly rejected it’s the universe’s way of declaring, “your genes deserve to die.” And not only that, even if you decide not to have children (which I think is rational in most cases), the absence of any romantic relationship means you don’t even get to engage in human bonding as an adult. Babies die without human contact. So I suspect adults endure a form of a spiritual death when loneliness and lack of human contact occurs later in life. The suicidal mind feels alone above all else. And when we attempt connection with others we feel exhausted and put upon by society’s demands we fail to live up to. Many can and do thrive as single people who are still part of a tribe. But too often, a sense of community in this current civilization is nearly gone. Single people or people in love deprived relationships are doomed. You work for nothing, and you know it. But now you know the truth. The material world is evil because it’s an unwinnable game. Only the broken realize it’s to be renounced. Let others enjoy themselves, but this life was never meant for me and the others posting comments. Tragic beyond words.
Thank you ?
Agreed!!
Help me. I think about sucide all the time I cry constance. My son lives with me and hates me. I have my little dogs that show me love. They are the only things that are keeping me alive . My living situation is horrible. There is no way to change my life. I have a of health problems and need a lot of help. Some days I can’t walk and have to depend on my son for food on. I have gave up eatings. Coffee and milk for me. I just want to die.
Hello Shirley
Your story reminds me of my own mum. She doesn’t walk very well either and relies heavily on my older sister to help her out. (She’s quite far from me and I don’t drive)
I imagined how she and I would both feel if she couldn’t walk and I had to care for her. She would probably think I hated her too, but I’d just be frustrated at not being able to go out with the lads, have my own space and the like.
I’m also a father. The best thing that I have to keep going is knowing what hurt I would inflict on my daughter if I actually killed myself.
I just wanted to say that I’m sure your son (probably) doesn’t hate you. He may resent having to care for you sometimes but that’s just friction since he would obviously want to be his own man.
I really hope you get the help you need. Whatever that may be. Maybe try to speak to your son? It might be that he doesn’t realise how his behaviour affects you?
Truly, best wishes.
Just Dave,
Thanks for reaching out to Shirley. I appreciate it very much when readers offer support to each other. I have heard from readers, both in the comments on posts and in private emails, how much it helped them to hear from other readers.
Shirley,
Your situation sounds terribly painful. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, or use the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. I list other resources, too, at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
The Lifeline number will go to a suicide prevention center in your area, and they can help connect you with other local resources.
Pets are a big reason for living for many suicidal people. My hope for you is that your love for them continues to sustain you while you get help.
Wow im not alone. i feel suicidal daily usually when some guy breaks my heart. what keeps me going what if i kill myself n the other side is even worse than what im going through now. thats y i dont do it. keep that n mind
I think exactly the same thing.
I have no proof there is a God etc. or even an afterlife at all but with the shit my my life has already been in afraid it Will end up being worse after death.
I’m at the end of my rope, and yet, I keep reminding myself that I’m a Christian, and The Lord knows everything about me. He knew me before I was conceived, and He knows how my story ends. Yet again, I honestly don’t know who (on this Earth) to turn to or what to do. I’m a complete mess. Isolated, enduring crushing loneliness, and not wanting to drive people away by talking about my problems. I’m 59, never married, and have no children. I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar 1, PTSD, major depressive disorder, anxiety, and borderline personality disorder. I’m on the fence about sticking it out, and cashing in my chips.
Leslie,
Some days are harder than others I struggle everyday as well, but God always has a plan for you. I’ve only recently found God but I still struggle daily but as long as God’s your main foundation not a person or thing you’ll be okay. You’re not alone!
I also understand you not wanting to tell people and drive them away it’s happened to me twice. But I’d advise to seek professional help
I know what you’re feeling. I am a Christian as well. I got divorced and remarried three years ago: since that time my kids and my parents have become people I hardly recognize. I take a lot of the blame for the divorce and the effects it has had on my kids. Life hasn’t turned out like I expected in any way.
Leslie,
Your situation sounds very painful. I hope you’ll find some people to connect with so that you are not so alone in your pain. There are many communities online that offer support for people with mental illness. For example, if you’re on Facebook, you might connect with others in the BPD Beautiful Support Group, for people with borderline personality disorder.
You can also use one of the 24-hour resources, such as a hotline or text line, listed at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Every day. Non stop. I think about ending it. It does feel comfortable. I’m always fucking up jobs and now the little things are getting to me. The only thing that is stopping me from ending it is my child. He needs me so I can’t go anywhere. But I’m also stuck in a part of life that I hate. I hate myself mostly and want to get my life back on track but have no clue where to start.
J,
Are you getting help? If not, I hope you will consider seeking help from a therapist, psychiatrist, pastor, or someone else. If so, please share with them what you’ve written here.
You can always call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 to talk with someone immediately, or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. Both are available 24/7. I list other places, too, where you can get help by phone, email, text, or online chat at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I know suicide is the wrong way of thoughts but still I keep on thinking about it since I was 9…
I feel sorry for myself for not doing it. Every day, every single day, I think about it since I was a child. I even tried to do it a couple of times, unfortunately, I was too weak. I imagine myself, I imagine the whole process, the feeling, I imagine every little detail. I don’t know what to do, I’m afraid to talk to someone. Anytime I’ve decided to go to a therapist I stopped myself at the last minute. I can’t do it, I can’t explain it … I just can’t. The worst part is that people around me, my parents, my friends, they think I’m happy, they think I’m great. No one ever asks me if I’m ok.
fj,
This sounds so painful. It’s hard enough to have suicidal thoughts and to have felt so bad that you attempted suicide. It’s even harder to be utterly alone with all that pain.
I understand how difficult it can be to go to a therapist and let them inside your private thoughts. I hope you will try, though. Just connecting with another person and sharing your burden with them has the potential to lighten your burden, at least a little.
You also could try talking with someone at a hotline or text line. If you are in the U.S., you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255 or text 741-741 at any time. I list other resources at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I’m 26 every morning before I get up and at night before sleeping, I imagine my friends and family talking about me like this…”did you know h’es dead, he killed himself” and I constantly think of killing myself.
[This comment was edited to omit details of a suicide method, per the Comments Policy. – SF]
Anonymous,
Help is available. I hope you will speak with someone about your suicidal thoughts, whether friends, family, or a professional like a therapist or your primary care physician. You can also try one of the hotlines, text lines, or other resources listed at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I understand how this all works being as though i am still here after 37 years of questioning my reason to live/ gods reason for allowing me here on this earth/ sometimes i just believe that i am here only to suffer…my mindset has grown darker due to 2 major deaths in my family within the past 10 months …i would wish my life for not 1 person to have to EVER witness or feel…unfortunately whatever positive has gone completely from my life if thats what a person would call it …one day my pain will be gone ….one day.
I feel the same. I think we are both realizing that life is not a good platform to thrive. It’s a tragic realization. We so desperately want to be one of the happy people with fortunate lives, but that’s not the whole truth or anywhere close to it. It takes a life of pain to realize that we all can’t be winners. The pain we experience and endure almost feels like a spiritual awakening. It’s almost like we had to experience it ourselves to realize, “Oh ok, I get it now. Not everyone can live a happy life. Some of us will be miserable. Perhaps this thing called “life” is not exactly good after all. We knew this all along, but we tried to deny it or suppress it or think that we were somehow better or more special than the next. We’re not. Look at history. Look at wars. Look at severe birth defects. Look at slaughterhouses. We were foolish to believe this was ever a good planet or a good system that had us in mind.”
Everything keeps getting recycled back into the fold. Who knows, maybe in another life we’ll be happy, successful, CEO’s worth billions of dollars as we pump toxins into the water aquifers. Or maybe we’ll be a triumphant general grinning ear to ear as we look across a blood soaked battlefield.
I sure hope not, but I feel as though to be happy in such a system as found on Earth one has to be a bit of a psychopath. Maybe, the Buddhists and Gnostics were right. When you realize this world is an unwinnable and tragic game then you’ve reached true enlightenment. Our pain might mean we’re more aware. Maybe it’s the goal.
I hold out hope that a God exists who wants souls to realize how horrible everything is, even though many are smiling ear to ear and singing the siren’s call that “life is amazing.” We know better.
Really, who really cares?
I mean, what one person can have that much care in them enough to care about you committing suicide?
Really? I’ve had therapist and I’m no dummy… I see them glancing at their wall clock.
Really, they don’t even know me from Adam, why would they care about me. I’m just a grain of sand in a world of people. How do they know how to stop me, do they know that I’m staring at them, saying, what can you possibly do for me that would make my life worthwhile? Please.
I think about suicide daily. There is a constant duality in my soul of wanting to end it to not be here anymore so I can end the chronic, constant internal pain that is a blanket over my mind. And then there is the side of me that is normal and just says- get through today. Get through tonight. Get through. Maybe the issues will go away. Maybe someday I will not feel this way. So tonight I’ll curl up in bed and watch Netflix. I want to tell my therapist that last night I looked up how Kate Spade killed herself- and I just tried it. Not to kill myself- but to see if it would hurt. How easy it would be. It was easy. But I didn’t want to do it. The pain of being alive is worse than anything. But I am not really brave enough- or maybe I’m too sane- to really go through with it.. which leads me to the reason I don’t want to tell my therapist I tried this. He will want to put me in an inpatient ward to, what end? Nothing will make me stop wanting to do this and I don’t think it’s a lack of sanity. I feel quite sane. I am just in deep pain.
I’ve been battling depression which will be 11 years in February. Everyday Is a struggle for me with depression, anxiety, and suicidal thoughts. I’ve attempted it couple times. I’ve been hospitalized 6 times for it. I get worse and worse each day especially when everything and anything goes wrong. My life can be summed up with Murphy’a law. The pain of nobody caring about me in my personal life, constantly getting my heart smashed by women, getting screwed at work, and other things, but the worst is I feel God hates me. I can pray and pray and he is just not hearing me. I don’t want to kill myself, but I feel that is my only option anymore. People will always say to me suicide is a solution for a temporary problem. Well 11 years to me is not temporary. Times I try to say today is a new day and things will get better. Only that is never the case. This time of year especially depresses me more. I never have anybody special to spend the holidays with. I just hope someday soon God will finally take me off this earth so I can finally stop suffering. To the rest of you I hope things get better and you’s all live a long and happy life.
There isn’t a day that passes where I don’t don’t think about or envisage ways to commit suicide. It could be the best day of my life and suicidal thoughts will linger. I have BPD and yes I have now become very used to having suicidal thoughts. I’m glad I’m not alone. I wish no one else felt this way however it’s comforting to know it’s not as abnormal as I thought.
Crying knowing that I’m not alone. I don’t think the suicidal thoughts will ever stop. I wish I could just see them objectively floating by and not fear them.
David,
I’m grateful the article helped you to feel less alone (though sad about the suicidal thoughts and crying). Thank you for letting me know.
I do have another article on the site — Like Clouds Before the Sun: Mindfulness and Suicidal Thoughts — that talks about how to see suicidal thoughts “objectively floating by and not fear them.” Perhaps it could be of help, too.
I hope you will continue staying, and remember you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 (TALK) at any time to talk, or you can use other resources at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
This really hits home with the way I have always felt. I can trace my suicidal thought back to when i was 12, and in some form I think they were there for years before too. I am 26 now and I really don’t feel like I don’t understand why I am still here. I feel most of the time like a failure for still being here, not the other way around like people would expect. I have suffered with Borderline Personality Disorder/Emotional Intensity Disorder, social anxiety, depression and from my teenage years Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. I feel like one of these would be a lot to deal with but all of them together has made me feel like I have no way around my problems. Like I am blocked at every point.
This article sums up exactly what my thinking is towards suicide. It is always in my mind as an option. I always tell myself that if things get bad I can end my life. I also feel addicted to having it as an option. I feel like I don’t even want to contemplate having any thing that would mean that suicide wouldn’t be an option. Like I would feel trapped if I didn’t. So I have been in a constant state for years with just the constant idea of, maybe I will kill myself this time. I feel trapped by lack of wanting to break out of the chronic thoughts of suicide and I feel trapped because I haven’t went through with suicide or haven’t ended up dead. Its a really strange place to be. Borderline Personality Disorder especially can make me unable control my emotions and I can’t get control. The article is right about how I feel in those times. I can get so caught up in emotion and despair that I just want it to stop right away. It makes me erratic and not in the right mind and this is where it is really important to have something to take your mind off of it or you may up hurting yourself. I feel like I have been at this point quite a lot of times and usually my frantic state of mind stops me thinking clearly or at other times I have tried to kill myself but have ended up not being successful (for lack of a better word) due to it not being thought through entirely or it not being the most effective method. At other times I can be almost calm and calculating about it and almost numb. This is also a dangerous way to be and I even think for me personally it is when my thinking is at my most dangerous and self destructive. Because in that frame of mind I am clear about my goal and I want to be successful (again not best choice of word) in killing myself. I feel like I would be more likely to try to kill myself in the erratic heightened suicidal state, but less likely to actually end my life, but more likely to end my life with the other more numb detached way of thinking about it. Both are horrible places to be. Suicide as a thought for just about every second of everyday is such a mentally draining , soul crushing way to live. Sometimes it is there in the front of my mind and sometimes it is background noise. But it is always there. Sometimes something triggers it and sometimes I just wake up and feel I don’t want to go on. Having these thought constantly always becomes an addiction. But there has to be ways to deal with this. Because just simply having two options of either living with the pain and the constant fear and pushing through, and the other option of death, is not a way to live.
What some people don’t understand about depression is that, there isn’t a cure. It’s like I’m constantly disappointing my relatives with my depression. I don’t want to be a burden or an embarrassment to them anymore. Some give me the impression they want me to “get over” my depression like it’s just the flu. I’ve been through too much trauma in my life. Too many mistakes. Too much regret. Too much pain. Too much struggle. A lot of self loathing. Suicidal thoughts & suicide is a last option for me. I’ve been to therapy for over 8 years. I’m taking medication too. Depression seems to worsen for me year after year. I can’t wait til I die someday.
I feel the exact same way.
Trust me, you aren’t alone. Many of us have dealt with depression most of our life. The degree of it comes and goes. Whenever I have suicidal thoughts I think about what that would do to people I know who do care and love me. Meds and therapy help but there is no cure. Treatment just helps take the edge off and helps you hang on. Just hang on and remember there are thousands of us out there experiencing the same pain and frustrations. You are not alone.
Digging in the darkness of the internet, it seems there really isn’t any help for people like me.
Sure, there’s some sympathy. I can see there are a few people who would prefer i didn’t feel as badly as i do.
But there’s no help. And so, there’s no hope.
The hopelessness is the worst part. It confirms the fear that there’s no reason to persist. And so there’s no reason to exist.
Why bother? Why endure daily sadness, daily loneliness, daily mood swings, daily pain that becomes unbearable? My sadness become so overwhelming sometimes i yell out loud. But most the time it is a persistent, crippling distraction that i cannot overcome, as i try to simply hang on. I feel cursed to be miserable forever.
I am exhausted, like I’ve been treading water for years. I am so tired, and i can see no reason to continue. I only wish someone would rescue me. Is there anyone, anywhere? God, please help me.
I feel like I wrote that.
DEAR “NOBODY,”
YOU R “SOMEBODY”.
SOMEBODY I KNOW ALL TOO WELL.. THAT NOBODY LIVES INSIDE OF ME TOO.. EVERY LETTER OF THE WORDS U WROTE;WHEN I READ THEM THATS WHEN I REALIZED U HELPED ME REALIZE SOMEONE IN THIS WORLD LITERALLY UNDERSTANDS WHAT I GO THREW TOO..I HEAR U, I ACKNOWLEDGE THE FUCKING GUT WRENCHING SAD ,LONELY, LOST ,MISUNDERSTOOD,EMPTY, “JUST TOO DIFFERENT” FOR THIS FUCKED UP SOCIETY, I SEE AND HEAR AND FEEL ALL OF U..I WAS IN DOWNTOWN SAN JOSE,CA TODAY AND I WAS LIGHTING A CIGARETTE AND THIS GIRL WALKED BY ME AND WITH HER EYES SHE ASKED ME FOR A CIGARETTE AND AS I WENT TO REACH FOR ONE TO GIVE TO HER, SHE BURST OUT IN TEARS, THATS WHEN I REALIZED SHE HAD THAT NOBODY THAT LIVES INSIDE OF HER TOO AND I GOT OUT OF MY CAR AND HUGGED HER FOR PROBABLY 2 MINS STRAIGHT AS SHE CRIED..I DONT KNOW EXACTLY WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HER BUT I SAID IVE BEEN THAT GIRL TOO MANY TIMES IN MY LIFE TO NOT COMFORT HER
Amen. I totally agree, I feel the same.
i’ve had suicidal thoughts for a long time now, i don’t know when it started but my head hurts and im tired of it. i want to reach out but feel like im just going to get rejected. suicide is the first thing that pops in head when things get too complicated
I am a 17 yr old trans guy. I continually think about suicide. I was hospitalized for a week about a month ago, but it didn’t help. I’m just getting really, really tired of dealing with it. I want to reach out to people, but I’m afraid that they will get tired of me. I don’t think this pain will ever end. I have great people in my life, but at any inconvenience I think about overdosing or cutting. But there is nothing to do about it. I believe in God, so I feel guilty that I don’t just trust in them. I don’t know anymore.
I just came across this page because for years I’ve been having suicidal thoughts I’ve been told I have severe depression PTSD and borderline personality disorder my suicidal thoughts has gotten worse and I used to self harm and I’m afraid I’m going to relapse again in July I had a miscarriage and I feel like a monster how could I not save my own child from myself? In August I sent to the cancer center for having high platelets and it’s like a never ending waiting game on watching my white cells and red cells now, I feel like nobody hears me or understands how broken I am everyone depends on me for advice or when they need money I’m 21 years old and my life isn’t in order like it should be I wish I could be as great as my sister was and both of my parents would be proud of me, but instead it’s like I’m trying to buy their love and nothing works.
I don’t know you; I only know what you commented. But I am confident that you are not to blame for the loss of your child, and I’m so sorry that happened to you. Please give yourself room to mourn, but remember you are not to blame for bad things that happen to you. You can only control how you respond to those things. You can control who you surround yourself with, and the thoughts you gently acknowledge and let go or the thoughts you focus on. You are worthy of support and love and self care.
please help I am having suicide thoughts and my head hurts I have no friends everyone is just walking away from me when i’m at school life is hard and I feel like the only way people would actually care is if I was dead that is when they would cry If and only if I am just a hopeless person I don’t like life anymore people say im creepy weird and I freak everybody out well that just offends me and so yes I am alone except I have 2-3-4-5 friends. people say im always making girls uncomfortable well im in highschool see since my first day there i just keep thinking about prom and all that but my thoughts also control my actions which leads to the reason of why I’m so alone and why I want to die so bad
Something that might make you feel more comfortable about yourself is googling if any of your favorite music artists or people you look up to, have similar qualities to yourself or your perception of life. You change as you get older, allowing yourself to use all of your life experiences that have shaped you, even negative ones into a better realization of who you are as a person and what route you should take based on your skill set and interests. Never limit your possibilities. Always do what makes you enjoy sticking around.
I Just Need To Talk To Someone Who Understands Me I’ve Been Having Depression A lot Lately And I’m Only 9 Years Old
Dear God, child, may I please urge you to have the courage to confide in a trusted adult about your continuing depression. What you are going through, unfortunately, is normal for a whole lot of people. Help is available. Please talk to the school nurse, a suicide prevention hotline, a church minister, or any other adult you trust; and, yes, that hopefully includes your parents. I know. I lost my 15 year-old son to suicide.
Im sorry . Maybe your parents or grandparents or a counselor can help you. Talk to someone you trust.
I would be happy to talk to you. I am a Director, and I have a website/reel at paulavirany.com. Just click on the contacts page and you will see my gmail address there. Maybe I cannot help you, but maybe I can.
I am so very sorry….you are going through this sweetie. You are worth it, I’m sure you have many people who love you. There is help out there, please talk to someone!!!!!! Big hugs the world love you??????
My suicidal thoughts didn’t truly come till I was 19. I have never been hospitalized or anything, but have tried therapy, medication, exercise, etc. The thoughts still linger. And I’m tired of experimenting on myself with drugs. We need new creative solutions to fighting depression, or more people will be devasted by America’s poor mental health system.
If I wasn’t so privileged I would definitely be homeless right now.
Research ketamine therapy. It is working well enough that drug companies are trying to develop new, similar alternatives which work the same but can be sold at a higher price. If you are privileged, maybe someone can help you get this treatment. I would try it if i could. Good luck. I hope you make it. I hope you can find a way out of this hell.
Well here I am laying in bed again, trying to talk myself out of my sadness. I had to laugh at the car comment though- thank you for that. My car really is broke down and it’s one thing in a string of events that has made me feel like a loser, hopeless.
I was hospitalized 3 times after the birth of my youngest son nearly 3 years ago and I promised myself I wouldn’t let it get this bad. And yet, here I am. I walked outside with the intention of stepping out in front of a train but I turned away and went back home. The thought of my kids being separated from each other after the inevitable outcome of my husband being unable to take care of them is what stops me. But my life is far worse than it was 3 years ago. Eviction, loss of security,the inability of me being able to get a job or secure childcare has left me feeling very empty and useless as a mother. My children deserve better than the life I’ve given them and they deserve a mom who doesn’t feel dead inside. They didn’t ask to be born and I have failed them. I don’t see the point of going to the hospital or getting help again when I just fail over and over. I wish I knew how to fix this.
Sweetheart, you clearly care about your children. If you do your best to provide for them and get by, they will remember you for that. Not what you were able to give them. You are clearly going through hard times. Just try to think how you can better your situation in the long run and chip away at it. Trust me, your kids will look back and see your efforts more than they will how comfortable you have made life for them. You sound like a good mother, and it has nothing to do with wealth. Do some research about what kind of assistance you are eligible for. It is there for you if you look for it. Hang in there!
I’m 32 I’ve dealt with these suicidal thoughts my whole life and dont know why I dont act on them. They are almost just a part of my everyday life now. I’m glad to see I’m not alone. I dont talk about it to anyone because I dont want anyone worrying about me so far I’ve kept it under check. I’m not even depressed when the thoughts arise I could be having a great day and it’s just a thought almost like saying I’m hungry but instead it says you can kill yourself. I could never figure out why my mind thinks of it or what has caused it to start it’s been so long I dont even remember the first time it started. I’m an RCM and it makes me kind of relate better to my clients but I’ve never told them it just makes it easier for me to understand what they are going through
It makes me feel better to know I’m not alone with these thoughts. I was begining to think I was crazier than I thought. I just can’t stop thinking this way …… it’s been happening since I was very young and I’m now 50. Thank you
I just recently turned 22 and I have had Suicidal thoughts ever since I was 12 I’ve become numb to the thoughts but often fear them it’s to the point were i will get them multiple times a day and I don’t know why. I have been through therapy and been on multiple anti Psychotic medicines I’m just not sure we’re to from here
ive been thinking of suicide for many months. was looking at death images from suicides on the web few months ago..wanted to remind myself it is messy and would be painful. i dont drink dont do drugs no break ups,no lost jobs,no money woes. not sure really why but it creeps in my head every now and then about offing myself depression? not sure, married , im 52 with a 3 year old and probably the only thing keeping from doing it is my child. i have visions of the act many times today even with wife here im looking out window thinking of sticking a gun in my mouth .i’m thinking i just want to send a message to my wife or estranged family that i am not happy and i want them to change the way they think and act towards me. ive become very moody and pissed off about every thing lately too.i really hate being that way towards wife and baby. i know wife knows im pissed or unhappy whatever but i cant tell her reasons why it would lead to even more strife and send me over the edge probably. its like i want her to know that shit she does makes me unhappy but then again im going to have to piss her off to let her know how i feel and that will probably end it right there. right now alone and the means to do it i am in thought,when i do i get sad,thinking of how it could be nice ,my child,what ive worked for. sucks,makes be kinda feel like a coward for not being able to go through with it as well. wouldnt take much effort to do so. do i leave a huge mess for the wife to find and clean up?,that will teach her..leave her with those images do i do it in the woods and no one would know for months or years? go out in a blaze or go out quietly? such a coward. im sad now…thanks for letting me write this.
Glen,
I just left a post a few days ago. I relate with what you are saying very much, though my kids are older than yours. I’ve never really been satisfied with how my life was progressing, but the suicidal thoughts just started creeping in as I lose hope of anything changing as I get close to 50. Similar to how you describe, I think about the methods and scenarios also… Right now I feel safe because my parents are alive, and I couldn’t do that to them. What scares me is what will happen when they are gone. I think sometimes “what is so bad that you want to do this? You have your health, you’re not financially damaged, and if your marriage is doing it, then you can leave.” For some reason I can’t get my mind to think of the possibility of making some radical change, and I would rather die. Hang in there, man. Feel free to write back.
[This comment was edited to abide by the site’s Comments Policy. — SF]
yeah, same old same old..gong on 3 week vacation and i really can care less, i guess it will be distraction at least. yeah the wife and baby make me happy but i am un happy when she is unhappy with me for being unhappy? make sense?if the marriage ended and away from baby lost all my stuff, that would probably be the nail in the coffin. thats probably only thing keeping from not doing it. and probably the cause of me thinking about it… yeah it sucks.i go day by day. thanks for the response,nice to know im not alone or freaking insane.
Both of you hit home a lot! I’m 27 and no kids or my own ‘family’and I went through a break up recently that really pushed the thoughts backs up.. even after a couple months and missing her has subsided, the loneliness presides.. but ya I’m doing well
Compared to most people
My age.. i make enough, own my vehicles, and have a mortgage rather than rent.. but yet.. I feel like these thoughts occur way more than friends that are in much worse states.. I only have a mom, but since I can remember I couldn’t go through with it until she’s past, couldn’t make her go through that.. it’s awful! Entertained making the ‘good bye’ letter before and never got very far.. recently googled it and found out something like 60% don’t write one and that made it that much easier.. just pick up the gun and do it and it’s done. Easy and done. Held it for quite a while.. again.. it was the thought of my mom that I couldn’t do it.. and ya, I’ve thought about doing it to cause pain to an ex, but that’s inmutare, don’t cause someone else pain, they don’t deserve it…. thanks guys! I envy your family, I don’t know the experience myself. But maybe look at the kid and the women that loves you and chose to make you a constant part of your life and know how much you matter to them…
yeah so back from trip…thoughts of suicide even while sunning and swimming. wtf am i to do… i feel numb sometimes and sit and stare when i am alone,which is not too often lately
Hey.
I am an LCSW at a high school and just wanted to tell you how helpful your articles are regarding suicide. Specially this one and how to ask questions about suicide. Thank you!
I am a male of 49, married, 1 adult child and 1 teenager. Over the past couple of years suicidal thoughts have been creeping into my mind, and now are there daily. I appear stable and rational, and in control of my life. I do not feel that way at all. Though I have a decent career and my children seem to be headed in a good direction, I feel a sense of waste, and do not like where life has taken me. I am older now and my hopes and dreams are disappearing. My wife has struggled with depression for years, and though we have a stable marriage, I think her negativity is really taking a toll on me. In addition, my children do not respect me or my wife, and I feel like I am despised by them in a way. My wife and them just have almost no relationship. When they need something they run to me. Like I have been with my parents, I always expected to have a close family relationship with my children, and it’s apparent now that is not happening. All of this may sound trite to others with real problems, but I can’t help it. I travel often, and when I sit in hotel rooms, as I am now, I think of Anthony Bourdain. I really related with his personality.
I enjoy company and conversation, but feel very lonely. Right now I’m safe because I would never take my life while my parents are alive, and also an aunt. I don’t feel as much for my wife and children. That would really shock those who know me. I have completely lost faith in religion which has removed the fear of being punished after death for suicide. After seeing my wife have pills prescribed for depression which have terrible side effects, like turning her into a zombie and causing carelessness about everything including parenting, I don’t have much faith in professional help. I find myself turning to alcohol some evenings and weekends as a means of escape, knowing that when it wears off I will return to a clear mind. I guess I am writing this because I feel it’s my own therapy. I wish you all as many good times as you can have.
Dear Gary, I am sorry for the way you are feeling. It really does hurt if you feel that your relationships with your children haven’t developed the way you hoped. YOU ARE NOT ALONE. when I was very lonely, I would go to the beach or for a hike. I have had some wonderful conversations there with people i have met and will never meet again. I also read a lot and try to lose myself in the characters for a while. At one point in my life, Zoloft really helped my depression, I don’t know if you have tried that or not. And it was prescribed in a way that started with a low dose and moved up until it was effective. It did not make me lethargic or anything like that. I travelled for business constantly for 7 years, and that can add to your isolation. It really takes a toll on your social life. I wonder if that is contributing to your isolation? Alcohol is also a depressant and probably isn’t helping your mood. Feel free to write to me.
Hi Chris. I appreciate your kind words and advice. I do find ways to cope temporarily like you do with beach walks and hikes, but it only makes things better during the time I am doing it. Also, the alcohol seems to give me a good escape as I am never a “sad drunk”, and it always puts me in more of a cheery mood. I just want to go there too often, and am worried about the health effects and eventual dependency. I understand what you mean about the isolation while traveling, though at least I get to sit in hotel bars and speak to others sometimes who are also traveling. You know, I feel bad seeing the terrible situations others on here are in, and think I should just stop whining and find a hobby or something. 5 years ago I never thought I’d be like this. Maybe you are right about finding the right medication. As I said before, I’ve just seen my wife get dumbed down by it to the point where it affected her career and cares in life. I’m terrified of getting that way without realizing it. I suppose I need to at least talk to someone, and can always take or leave the medications.
Thank you for this. I’m a mom of a 17 yrs old who attempted suicide 5 times in less than 8 months. I’m a nurse but I couldn’t understand it. It was a drastic change. He was a promising athlete who was charming, well rounded, born leader, sweet kid. And all of a sudden 180 degrees change. I thought there was something traumatic might have happen.
I’m still trying to understand so I can help him best. It difficult when sometimes it feels like we’re fighting the health care system.
Again, thank you for this insight ❤️
Thanks you for caring
I’m 31 and I have BPD and I can remember wanting to die since I was about 9. Years of constant bullying and molestation took their toll. At this point, suicide is always option #3 no matter what happens. Even if I’m at a wedding or doing something I enjoy it is always in the back of my head. There just doesn’t seem to be a point to life anymore when the future is hopeless. I think I have felt trapped since I was 20, it just took 10 years for me to fully realize and accept it, which is probably why I’m in the horrific spot I’m in now. My friends get worried when I talk about dying but to me it’s just another choice as simple as something on a menu for dinner. I can’t even vocalize how I feel to my family because they are tired of hearing about this for so long and say if I wanted to do it I just would. Well, I will one day, I’m just not at that point yet, but I’m terrified of when that point will actually be. I have tried therapy of all kinds, the one thing I have not touched is medication but I am at the point where the urge is so strong every morning (especially at work-no one with mental illness should EVER work in a customer service position, btw) that I am almost willing to try. I just can’t see myself going through another 10 or 15 years of living like this, waking up each day and wondering if today will be the day that finally pushes me over the edge, even for stupid shit like someone yelling at me too long on the phone at work. It’s just damaging and I feel like my soul is eroded like a mountainside by snow or rain-the feelings I have are the element and one day the mountain just crumbles. It feels like I have no soul or that I’m a black hole that can’t ever be filled. I just want peace and if that means by death then I’ll do it. I don’t even want a good life or to be happy anymore, I just want this to stop.
Same i wish my parents would understand!
“If the person is simply having the same thoughts that they have had for many years, don’t panic. Instead, compassionately listen and empathize with the person. Ask how you can be of help. ”
Just wanted to highlight that point, Stacey.
This is where the mental health field has gone off track, and needs to learn to listen. I am always cautious in what I say, and yet I’ve learned how dangerous these people can be when they dont know what they are doing.
On the positive side, when I was Oregon, the understanding of “trauma-informed care” was refreshingly noticable. I also appreciated one therapist who said, “I know I can’t save the world, and while I hope you won’t take your own life, I know I can’t stop you. ” It was her respect that I appreciated, and I think other therapists need to remember their job is to support, not to police people.
Well said! I’m tired of people not listening,it’s becoming more of the problem than our own suicidal tendencies..another reason why it’s worse..we know no one listens,they are policing instead of trying to help
The first time I remember wanting to kill myself I was 6 years old. It was a stupid fight over something I don’t remember, but I recall standing in the kitchen with a knife at my heart thinking I would plunge it into my chest and end my life. The thought of dying never really left me though. It grew more defined as I aged, but it’s always been there. One of my biggest struggles is that so many people don’t seem to understand that this isn’t a causal effect where something’s been going badly in my life and I want to die as a result. I’ve never heard of Frank King but that quote is so perfectly accurate to my life. It’s always there, always an option. When I have a “flare up” there usually isn’t a particular reason. I’ve just felt this way for so long and my interest in living reaches a low point to where I just want to die with every fiber of my being. Even when I am on top of the world and I am so happy and content with life (especially those times, actually) I will feel an immense desire to kill myself while I’m at my best. I think the phrase “so happy I could die” is truly lost on most people, or rather that they don’t really mean it. These chronic suicidal thoughts make it so hard to express my desire to die because I struggle to convey into words that this is something I deal with everyday, and that it’s not a temporary condition. How do you describe to someone why you feel a certain way when it’s just always been there? I’ve always told people the best way thing you could compare me to is an addict of some kind, but instead of always wanting a drink, I always have thoughts of suicide nagging at me. 6 years ago when I turned 21 I tried to kill myself and was in a psych hospital. It helped tremendously, but for about two years I put all those feelings in a box and believe my mental health issues were a product of my adolescence and my still developing brain. After a few years though I was starting to break down again and went through an existential crisis. As the first time that my suicidal thoughts were forcing their return, this meant that my previous belief was in fact false. This pain would always be with me in some fashion or another. Since then I’ve gone through good and bad times, but the return of the bad was never as hard as that first time. I don’t know how to cope with this though. For the past year and a half things have started to get worse more frequently, I’ve started to develop more anxiety (previously I wouldn’t describe myself as afflicted by anxiety, only depression). I had to take a month long leave of absence last summer, I wanted to again this summer but felt that I couldn’t because of the stigmas associated with depression and suicidality. I couldn’t let my work believe this would be a recurring event every year or two. Instead though I am bottling things until I reach a point where I physically can’t. I’m on this website because today was one of those days. I have spent 90% of my day at work googling suicide related topics (I even did this on my phone, lest my work find out if I did it on my desktop computer). Today I have sobbed at my desk while biting my arm to stifle the sound. I’ve gone to the bathroom to cry because I was worried someone might come to my desk to ask me something and see the state I was in. I feel like I’m doing a tap dance on the edge of a cliff and sooner or later I’m just going to go over the side, and there won’t even be a particular reason for it. Just my generalized depression. This is a hard concept for people to understand though since most of the people I talk to think it’s like breaking your wrist, wearing a cast, then you’re fine until another issue occurs to hurt you in some way.
Hi, Kellen. I have been in this state also for a long period. This past month i lost a lot, 30 year career etc.. i did not expect to be alive today. I was prepared to leave. Since i was young. Now more prevalent. Anyway, i wanted to tell you thanks for letting us know we are not alone. Email me if you want. Id like to hear from you.
Thank you
For the insight.
I don’t know how to cope anymore My suicidal thoughts have become like a coping mechanism for me and on some days they get so bad, I don’t know what to do
I looked this up hoping to find a solution. This has gotten so bad now that I think about suicide and fantasize about it almost hourly unless distracted. At night I can’t sleep anymore. I lay here right now at 5am trying to fall asleep obsessively fantasizing and planning suicide. The comfort of it is all that gets me to sleep. I am no longer able to leave my home because of anxiety brought on by shame and self loathing.
Therapy would be nice if I could afford it or bring myself to leave home… But I already know I won’t listen fully. I’m a practical person and what I want are solutions to my problems not masks, tricks and bandaids.
I don’t expect this comment to exact any effect. I simply felt compelled to post. Thank you for giving me a label to identify myself with. Knowing it exists helps me be a little stronger.
I read it and by the fact i did that & then felt compelled to reply – it did exact some effect. I think i know how you feel. My sadness attacks me periodically to what i believe to have the end goal of eventually killing, or worse -destroying me entirely. I am 38 and been battling this at least 20 years…. possibly even 30+ – its hard to know. I have given up being part of the outside world & know systematically i am dismantling my known existence to those outside. My car broke down & i left it where it was. My phone broke and i did not replace it. On the rare occasion the manic energy my sadness can manifest takes on the form of “positive change” – i am left disappointed and hating myself for trying due to the realisation that those who i reached out to in an effort to recharge my hope – left me disappointed. The jury has spoken & their verdict is pretty clear.
At times i think i am doing this with the motivation of a rebirth – but when the sadness hits the realisation is that i am doing it as a precursor of my death. I keep a small piece of my existence protected to ensure i have at least some essence left for my son and a lesser extent, my wife – but thats all i have left in me now – only my love and respsonbility to them stops the self loathing completely taking control. It stuns me its not obvious to more people – perhaps it is and they don’t give a shit, who knows…
The thing people don’t get to why people commit suicide is, being sad and depressed all the time is incredibly exhausting. Being within the sadness is so exhausting and very unfullfilling. “Faking” that you are not within the sadness to keep loved ones expectations of you consistent is even more exhausting & eventually leads you to the realisation that you are nothing by a liar and fraud to the only people who have not disowned you….. committing suicide seems a fitting end to such a problem.
I’m 32. Im seriously at a loss for words on how much I identify with u,u hit the nail on the head. Only someone that suffers as we do could describe it as u did but for those that will not ever understand the dark pain we go through they should read ur comment.
Thank you! I often have Suicidal Thoughts. I have been diagnosed with anxiety/depression. My symptoms present as sadness. I cry, sometimes hysterically. When it’s bad I might say *I want to die”. Was worried about saying that too much, after all, I don”t take any action of any kind, no follow up.
You mention that words are critical to the discussion about diseases that cause many suicides.For the past 30 years that I have been speaking on that topic. I stopped using the term MENTAL ILLNESS decades ago and use the term Brain disease because I believe it to be more accurate. MENTAL ILLNESS simply has too much inaccurate baggage associated with it. It doesn’t readily incorporate all that medical model psychiatry has taught us and is illustrated via Pet scans etc.
It is no surprise to me that a drug like ketamine that can halt the pain of a migraine is also effective with refractory depression.
Jhmastro
Your article mentions psychological pain..yet PET SCANS have shown that people with severe depression experience very real physical pain.
Further discussions about this are important regardless of the fact that we may not understand it.
What I don’t read much about is the intense physical pain caused by refractory depression…it feels like it is pouring out of every pore….it never stops….one lives with it 24/7….it makes waking hours a nightmare and prevents one from getting much needed sleep. It is the worse pain I have ever experienced…and it responds to no normal methods of dealing with pain…not to hot baths.. pain killers.. or massage. Apparently ketamine successfully stops the pain…but how very few of us can afford IV ketamine.
My hope is that a more affordable method is developed to administer ketamine…nose sprays..
Lozenges…but for those of us in the USA even those would no doubt be too costly. How long can one wait when physical pain is your constant companion.??
What stuck in my mind was “suicide is always in on the menu”. I get a reprieve from suicidal thinking just to have it come around again, this is real upsetting because each time I think it is over. Maybe one day it will totally leave me.
A supposedly suicidal person who calls a crisis line is ambivalent about his decision. On the other hand, a person who truly wants to die will not call a crisis line, or say or do anything that would lead others to lock him up. Given this, the whole idea of so-called Safety Contracts seems nonsensical.
A friend of mine (PhD in Clinical Psych) is professor emeritus in psychiatry at an internally renowned university. He told me that, in his first decade or two of practice, he used to employ Safety Contracts, but then he finally realized that Safety Contracts don’t work for the very reason I mentioned in my opening paragraph. Now, he no longer uses contracts. He said that some four decades of practice have helped him understand that, if a client wants to commit suicide, he cannot stop him.
Nobody truly wants to take their life…it’s something they can’t fight.
Yes!!! Thank u..very very few words but they SCREAM!
Who is prone to chronic suicidal thoughts, when I read people with BPD MY eyes stopped reading and i started sobbing I’ve known I’ve had BPD for years now im always looking for comfort and answers anyway I can to help ease my emotional and psychological pain. I googled when thoughts of suicide go on too long is it even a feeling anymore, its my state of being how the Fuck dose someone deal with that. That’s insanity .im the classic can’t medicate I’ve tried every treatment and therapy there is I’ve done it the right way wrong was by the book way the half assed way the same .to most im sounding negative im not being negative im saying the facts of my truth
Every weekend for me its like clock work
I think there are probably quite a lot of us like this, but there is no way forwards, although plenty of people will take your money for talking.
I’ve had an idea about developing a website which would be organised along research based lines and include comments and actions from people like us who at present don’t seem to feature anywhere, but we do need help and perhaps we can develop our own system.
Certainly writing down some positives each day and throwing away some negatives.
anyone interested in helping me??
David,
Have you checked out the site https://www.chronicsuicidesupport.com/? They also have a forum, at https://chronicsuicidesupport.com/forum/, that you might find useful.
That’s what I’ve been searching for. A safe forum for people like us with no internet trolls bullies
Yes
DBT is supposed to be the way forwards for you . It does seem like Dr Linehan’s fortune though as she has developed a big organisation around it. There is a book and many groups. Have you tried it?
David,
I don’t understand your implied judgment about Dr. Linehan’s “fortune” around having developed an organization around DBT. Isn’t that the case of any treatment that has evidence of effectiveness – that the professionals who developed it try to disseminate it so that people can be helped? The same is true of other mental health treatments such as cognitive behavior therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and more, but it also extends into treatments for conditions that are not psychiatric.
Based on other comments you’ve left on this site, it seems you also believe that professionals should not receive money for their work helping suicidal people. Is that correct? If so, is there a reason why people who develop or provide treatments to suicidal individuals should not be compensated for their contribution, time, and expertise?
I feel exactly the same as you do.
I have now been living with chronic suicidal thoughts almost every waking minute for the past 6 years. This has meant I can’t think about anything else or really do much else’
I have had serious cycle accidents try to do exercise to distract and the doctors now have nothing left to try for me I’ve had numerous meds, some which nearly killed me with side effects of pulmonary embolus and a stroke. They are now so worried that I am seen every day ( and have been for 7 months now)
Admission will be shameful and make me worse.
And now I have been arrested for my internet attempts to throw away thoughts and I have been convicted for texting someone who I thought could help me.
From a national level athlete and high profile doctor I have become a disabled shamed person.
Life is now terrible and my family have had enough of me
I do not know that your family has had enough of you, and I hope you might consider that is depression talking, but I am stricken by your story and your chronic suicidal thoughts so resonate with another former national athlete and high profile doctor with children that I am married to…that I am compelled to beg you to use your training to consider if there is any way to destigmatize what is becoming an ever growing crisis in health care delivery. You probably don’t have the bandwidth to take this up, but you are not alone. Any thought helps.
Dear Mary
I would be very keen to learn of anything that you and your partner have found helpful
I am getting worse despite the fact that my court case is now over and the media have stopped their terribe stories about me
I am complaining about the line the media have taken and the little note they made of my acquital , but still being convicted for asking for help seems very unjust
I been thinking of suicide for years. Why would i call a hotline? Not looking for attention just want to die
To No: I agree. I dont even relate to the way this is framed.
I dont find this life worth living, and yet, i feel like theres a reason for it, so i get what i can learn from it. To portray it as a “simple option” or an escape cheapens the contemplation of life and death.
If im ready to die, im not going to call someone to try to talk me out of it. Its not an impulse that i cant control.
I am 47 and had my first thought of suicide at age 7 and everyday after if you do not have it you can’t even begin to understand and that’s ok I would never wish this on my worst enemy..oh wait.. I am my worst enemy haha..
Oh Regina no truer words ever spoken about the subject.That’s what so many people in this life r ignorant and blind to… If this is not something u suffer and struggle with there is no possible way to understand it, and ur right that is OK…. Most people go through there whole life without thinking about suicide let alone making a true attempt and not just a cry for help, when that thought and agonizing struggle of suicide becomes your normal state of being that is what gets misunderstood. People like us need a different kinda help and I do not know what that is if such a thing even exists…
More people die each year by suicide than by car accidents. SC alone has over 1000 traffic deaths/year..
But funding to help those of us who struggle has been cut year after year for decades.
I am disabled, can’t work, divorced, live in parents attic and will be homeless once they are gone. I’m 47yo, associates and Bachelors. Worked 60-80 hrs/week for almost 20 years. I have taken handfuls of pills many times over the years, drove my car into a tree a year ago and think about suicide 24/7. ITS NOT A CHOICE, I CAN’T WILL IT AWAY, AN 800 NUMBER IS NO HELP. I’ve seen dozens of psychiatrists and counselors, tried over 20 medications but nothing helps. Rich and famous ppl take their lives and they don’t have half the problems I do.
EVERYWHERE I TURN, THE SOLUTION IS TO CALL AN 800 NUMBER.
I’ll bet my life that even a presidential suicide won’t spur funding and REAL help for the millions suffering this problem.
Death to the 99% is what the 1% live for.
I WELCOME an end to this world. Bring the nukes!
Joe Doe,
The suffering you’re experiencing sounds awful, and it sounds like hotlines are not helpful to you. I do have other resources listed at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp that aren’t 1-800 numbers. Maybe one will be useful.
Also the following posts might be of interest:
“What Stops You From Killing Yourself?”
“Like Clouds Before the Sun”: Mindfulness and Suicidal Thoughts
Talking Back to Suicidal Thoughts
If you’ve encountered resources that have helped get you through difficult nights, please feel free to share them here.
Wow! The last comment was June 11, 2018 and with very few responses. Plus the responses offer no help or guidance only references to someone or something else. Mr. Joe Doe, you and I are very similar in our experiences of life, and in my case with death as well. I have spent my whole life with death and despair all around me. Chronic suicidal thoughts and thoughts of (SDV) are a constant companion. I have been trying to obtain assistance for many years but it seems all the mental health community wants to do is lock you up for 10 days and throw medications at you. In my case, there are very few people who have experienced what I have to during my life, therefore it is extremely difficult to find anyone to understand. If you find someone they are not accessible, either due to cost, insurance or work schedule. Then add fear of being locked up and loosing some of the rights you have always had just adds to it. When it comes to mental health issues, complaints and treatments it is trial and error. I have yet to find a so called mental health professional who has a clue of what they are doing. I have seen and been involved in too many suicides to count as well as countless other traumatic events and there is just no one out there to talk to about it. This leaves you feeling alone, useless, antisocial, meaningless, confused, very afraid, hyper-vigilant and concerned for yourself and the few people you do know, but are not friends because you do not have any, that at some point in time, under the right circumstance you will go through with it. Then that act will mentally cause great mental pain, anguish and guilt for the people that just may care.
I’ve been suicidal most all my life in and out of therapy so many times only to find it comes back and I’m sick of fighting it just ready to let it take its course
i have thought of killing myself and its hard to stop thinking like this my boyfriend told me that if i kill myself he will die to be with me. I have to think about my little sister because i’m all the family she has and if i’m gone she will have no one and i don’t want to do that to her but its hard i have to work deal with school pay the bills and i’m just 16 and girls picking on me non stop. i’ve even tried to kill my self already and i cant handle the stress and all. if u know a way to help me out please tell me.
Suicide Girl,
Please talk to an adult about how you’re feeling and ask them for help. It could be a teacher at school, or your boyfriend’s mom, or someone else you know.
Or you could go to a hospital emergency room and tell them you are having suicidal thoughts and have attempted suicide already. You might not be admitted to the hospital, but the doctor could help you get set up with a therapist or psychiatrist who could help you.
You also can text the Crisis Text Line at any time at 741-741, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255.
And if you feel in immediate danger of acting on your suicidal thoughts, you can always call 911.
Thank you for asking for help here. I hope this information helps you.
Suicide girl from reading your comment, you are dealing with alot of stress, the girls picking on you seems like a major problem. My question is what is the major problem that is causing you thoughts of killing yourself the stress of having alot of burdens to deal with or the girls picking on you. Since you are 16 the picking on you will stop once you graduate. Are you overweight and thats why they pick on you, if so you can cut out most sugar and get on the low carb diet. You are beautiful to many peoples eyes so don’t let this small time in your life be the deciding factor in your suicidal thoughts. Your boyfriend seems like he loves you very much so do your best to improve your life and cling on to your boyfriend because he seems to love you alot. School is a very cruel place and once you’re out do your best to stay as good as you can and love yourself and others the most you can. Hang in there and take care of yourself first. Lots of love Ryan
This will be one of last post for a while. I will make a comment
about what you said at the end of your article Stacey “the option
of suicide might be the very thing that helps some people to stay alive” Yes that is 100 percent true for my situation and maybe others.
The option of suicide is one of the only things I feel I have control
over. I actually feel happiness that I am in control of taking my
own life. The fear that someone else will be able to take my life
is one of the greatest fears I have.
I have witnessed, experienced and second hand experienced murders, stabbings. shootings, rape, suicide, sexual abuse, jail and prison violence, watched people shoot up heroin and meth under the bridge when I was a kid, Experienced extreme domestic violence exposed to lots of pornography as a child, beatings by groups of male and female friends from high school because I was fat and not tough. I used to hit myself in the face with all my force with my fist and an aluminum baseball bat to see how much I can take.
I put cigarettes out on my my legs and hold my hands on the stove as long as I can. I also stab myself in the thigh with 2-3 inch long knives (that hurts really bad). I put my 22 rifle in my mouth and in my mind felt the bullet go though my jaw out the side of my head, at the same time I almost ate a whole bottle of extra strength tylenol to destroy my liver, that is when I admitted my self to the ER.
Most men are violent creatures and unlike women we are more able and look to physically kill or intimitate each other easily. I watch people that follow me home all the time I avoid people since I was mugged and beaten many times by both men and women just by walking down the wrong side of the street at night as a kid. I have had police show up to my house many times to ask me about crimes I never commited such as being a fugitive or harboring a fugitive, breaking into cars and shooting peoples tail lights out, all of these things turned out to be they got the wrong house.
I am at the point where I don’t have the strength to defend myself the most I can do is shake my head and say no or just finally give in if the stress was too much, since I can’t deal at all with stress anymore.
When you feel like that there is no hope because it hurts to walk, you have a hard time breathing, you have heart failure, like I do, your children are a burden (I envy you because I have none i’ll be 40 in June), you lost a loved one (that one can be tough I lost 30 people I cared about to suicide, cancer or heart attacks), you lost your home, job, are depressed or whatever the problem is, when are you ready to end your life that is the most frightening thing that will ever happen in a persons life, the thought of not being on this Earth any longer and buried in the dirt not knowing if there is an after life of not since no one has died and come back can make the feeling at the moment of suicide frightening.
suicide thoughts in my opinion do not go away. Once you have thought of it once, it will come back more and more for as long as you allow it to happen.
90 percent of what you said is true except for the last part “as long as you allow it to happen” sometimes it happens to us, allowing is not involved or as a reoccurring nightmare of thoughts that were never invoked.
I’ve been lost in depression for the last 7-8 months but the last 2 I’ve had suicidal thoughts every day. Nothing I do seems to stop them. There are times they are so strong I’ve had to pull over the car, cry and just ride out the urge. None of this is normal for me, there’s no end in sight. I did promise a friend to try therapy for the first time and I’ve been to a couple of appointments, but due to scheduling, I’m not set to see her again for 3 weeks. I’m not sure how or when to bring this up and I’m worried 3 weeks seems like forever.
I hear you on the suicidal ideology as I have had those thoughts for many years on and off. I was diagnosed as having Major Depression Disorder with anxiety. I have had at least 8 suicide attempts in the last year where I acted on them and just ended up in emergency for the night except for a one week stay in the hospital last year. I have managed to push through some thoughts last time I wanted to commit suicide. I often think of suicide as my only way out of certain situations because right now I can’t see myself as having any kind of future. I graduated from college 2 yrs ago can’t find a job in the field. I’m getting older and at my age it is difficult to get someone to hire me because of age. I have a case manager and peer support worker but the feelings I get of suicidal ideology are so strong sometimes that it is very difficult for me to deal with them. I wish I didn’t have mental illness it only complicates so many things in me life. Sometimes I think it would just be better if I weren’t here and then I wouldn’t feel like a burden to anyone.
Kate yeah therapist now seem to see their clients once a month it used to be back in the 80’s and 90’s that therapist would allow to see their clients once a week. Don’t be sad that you pulled over to cry your mind is trying to vent it is normal and quite healthly it’s like self therapy. take care and lots of Love, Ryan
This is my first time visiting your blog and I am glad to have found you. It will help me as a psychologist to keep this issue in the forefront. I also teach DBT skills group to people in a private practice setting. Tamara Suttle informed me of this blog so I have her and you to thank for being here.
Loren,
Thank you for visiting my blog. DBT is good for people with chronic suicidal thoughts, so I’m glad you found your way to this spot.
It’s apt that Tamara Suttle led you here, because the site would not exist without her. I took her wonderful online workshop, BlogStart for Therapists, and she was basically an expert midwife. 🙂
I think DBT skills has been greatly hyped by Marsha Linehan as a typical American major income generator, with biased research, which seems to ignore the fact that it is most widely used in USA and yet the suicide rates are increasing there more than most places in the world
In reality every suicide is different and there is no panacea for helping prevent deaths
All the charities have an approach which is kind but no evidence of success
David,
I don’t think it’s fair to say that the United States’ increasing rates of suicide are evidence that DBT doesn’t work. Very few people in the U.S. receive DBT, and of those who do, research shows that, on average, they experience less suicidal behavior than those who receive “treatment as usual.” I also haven’t seen any evidence that Dr. Linehan’s research is biased. Have you? She and her research team actually employ randomized controlled trials, which are considered the “gold standard” for obtaining valid research results.
I do agree with you though that there is no “panacea” for helping to prevent suicide. Different things work for different people, and sadly, some people do not receive anything that helps them. (That doesn’t necessarily mean that nothing could help them, only that they haven’t encountered it.) Suicide is a complex social and medical phenomenon without a single cause or cure.
The research she has done has greatly increased her status and income I would exepect, but there is NO evidence that introducing her programs into a new area has ever reduced the number of suicides in the area. All manner of assumptions are made in her research papers, which are clearly biased I feel ( I was a research lead)
The research she has done has greatly increased her status and income I would expect, but there is NO evidence that introducing her programs into a new area has ever reduced the number of suicides in the area. All manner of assumptions are made in her research papers, which are clearly biased I feel ( I was a research lead)
David,
I think the concept of ecological fallacy applies here. Unless we’re talking about a massive public health intervention (e.g, fluoridation of water to prevent caries), there’s no reason to think that introducing a therapeutic approach that only a small number of people receive would lower the suicide rates for everyone. Nor can we assume that people who died by suicide in that area received her intervention. I’ll add that no intervention is 100% effective. People with diabetes who use insulin still can die of diabetes.
I feel strongly about this because I believe Dr. Linehan is a truly excellent intervention researcher whose work provides a model for others to follow.
I am at a total loss. My latest “flare up” has seemed to span the length of almost nine months. Everyone has there own theory (which they are more than happy to share with me) of what I “really” believe or “really” feel after I explain exactly what I believe or feel and… well, I am fed up with it.
I was going to kill myself (or at least give it one more “college try”) in June… on my 40th birthday. It didn’t happen. Everyone… again with the “everyone” (that is worse than the infamous “they” who will do Lord only knows if “they” ever find out)… I have talked to gleans their own true understanding of why I am really still alive when I tell them my actual answer. Now, I no longer want to kill myself for the reasons I originally had… I just am so exhausted and furious hearing what people determine is “really” the case. And I am tired of lying so they will leave me alone. Why can’t anyone listen to me, believe me, and really help me?
I don’t expect anything out of life anymore. The only person that I ever thought really loved me because of how they showed it ended up utterly destroying my life. She was supposed to be my therapist. We got spun into the most codependent, volitile, emotionally charged relationship (which I later found out she chose to continue even when she came under investigation of the Board of Psych) and when I got browbeat into reporting her… well, her family retaliated hard – which was easy as politically and legally connected as they were. No matter how many times I disclose this to new counselors… it seems to cause problems that I have issues in therapy and keep up tons of defenses and walls.
Anyway, I am alive only because one person has demanded it. You may think family, close friend, lover, spouse, child…? Nope. A crisis counselor I clicked with and developed an attachment to in the course of recurrent calls and talks. I am alive because of a voice on the phone. Due to my disorder… I have not been able to determine to whom I will develop an attachment. I can only recognize it and choose what to do following that. But based on how damaging some recent past attachments have been when I revealed them, I don’t much anymore. I did try to tell this person and others, but everyone tells me that the truth is I, myself, want to live and I am fighting extremely hard and yadda yadda. But lying around being horribly, utterly depressed while continuing to breathe doesn’t take much effort. Calling and dealing with her awful colleagues who long ago wrote me off and trying to tell them what is going on takes effort – especially when they hang up, or are dismissive, or tell me things that are argumentative, or all the other awful things they put me through because I promised I would call before irreparable harm is done or before I attempt to die by suicide again. If her colleagues leave me wishing I had just killed myself, I am to wait and try another day to see if she is in. Personally, I don’t want to live. I have no hope of ever getting better. My life – despite hard, intense effort to build back up – has progressively gotten worse over the last 13 years or so. But there is this unexplainable attachment. I am compelled to do absolutely anything requested by such individuals. It used to get me into trouble because others would ask for something and couldn’t get it the way they saw so-and-so get me to do something.
I think the root of why comes from being raised by a woman who received no treatment for her paranoid schizophrenia and my family saw the effects living with her was having even as I was a young child, but chose to do nothing because they were scared. Someone thought it was a good idea to confirm this when I was an adult. They left me there to live with a woman whose rages made the wrath of God in the Old Testament seem like something that would be most welcome. Child Protection did nothing because there were no bruises, so the laws twenty something years ago stated that I was not abused due to a sense of physical marks. And I was left in a place where only my mother and I lived for years going to bed every night wondering if she would lose it tonight and kill me before she realized it. I swung like a pendulum between wanting her to just get it over with and desperately wanting someone to step in and save me. Too many professionals made it personal and tried to save me. They broke rules, demanded their own secrets with me and actually made things worse. This all I disclose in attempts to get help and counseling, but to no avail end up with a huge mess and misunderstanding.
So I have a voice. A voice that demands I must stay alive even though the quality of my life is akin to a corpse. And that voice belongs to a real person who gets to go home to her family and friends and gets to enjoy whatever life has brought her through her hard efforts. I will never get to meet that person. Details of her personal struggles and triumphs will never be discovered. In order for that to happen, she’d have to become unprofessional and then I would suffer worse in the end. No, all I will have is a voice. Until there is another connection or attachment that I build. But, I don’t even want to leave my house. Conversations above and beyond ordering food or chatting with the cashier at the grocery store are way too much to deal with now. No contact with people means no new connections.
Of course, if I choose not to call and don’t have contact with the voice, the attachment might fade and the next time I step out to attempt suicide, I won’t care what that voice wants. If only I had not already had the conversation about how even putting myself into the conditions where suicide becomes more probable is in its own essence… choosing to attempt suicide.
I feel held hostage in this world. People care less and less about the quality of my life and many times in an effort to just make sure I am at least alive, the result is that my quality lessons. Sometimes quite dramatically.
Maybe I truly do have a Russian soul. Because I think all this belief that a change is “just around the corner” is just bollocks.
I almost bought this book to send it to the voice. I love this blog. I like the directness, the honesty, the willingness to engage in tough debate on a tougher topic than most. But I had included a message that our contract is null and void. That was a BPD impulse. So I cancelled it. Maybe one day I can find a counselor whom I get to see in person and this book can be a way to get some good talking going. One day… IF I keep choosing to breathe, live, or more accurately… if I continue to just barely exist.
All that to say… I love the blog. Here I find some solace and if you’ve read this whole thing, I believe it has been established that I definitely need solace. So, thank you.
Milestiba,
I did indeed read the whole thing, and I hope fervently that you get more solace. Your description of what you’ve gone through, both as a child and more recently, is heartbreaking. I’m grateful that you connected with the voice – and the person who possesses it – on the phone. I hope that there are other voices for you to connect with, too, whether in person, on the phone, online, or wherever. I hope that you will keep trying even though your efforts have too often been met with pain or betrayal.
You’re also a great writer. Have you thought of writing for TheMighty.com? Here’s a link for more information: https://themighty.com/submit-a-story/
And if you need numbers or information about more places where there might be someone you connect with, please check out the site’s Resources Page.
Finally, thank you for your kind words about the blog. I’m grateful that it gives you some solace.
Please feel free to drop back in and let us know how you’re doing.
I think you are totally off base with your ‘theories’ about chronic suicidal thoughts. I’m not the only one who thinks life is overrated, and look forward to it being done. In my early confrontation with the decision to live or die, I just couldn’t believe it was random and meaningless, theres got to be more to why we’re here. So, I don’t think humans are capable of making a choice of that magnitude. It compelled me to make life the best it can be, if I’m going to be alive. And I have. But I’m always looking forward to getting it over with.
I don’t have BPD, I DO have lifelong depression, I don’t make attempts, but I have reached a point where I truly feel like there isn’t any hope. I just wish It would end, someone shoot me, cancer, etc. I’ve done my part for years, I’m tired of the effort it takes.
Patti,
Thanks for sharing. What you have to say is very important, and I’m sorry that life has been so meaningless for you.
I’d love to hear more about why the theories in this post are “totally off base,” because what you wrote here seems pretty consistent with what’s written in the post. Is it that you think it’s off base to attest that people can learn to cope better and develop reasons for living?
Whatever the case, I hope you will check out Speaking of Suicide’s Resources page for people who have suicidal thoughts. It’s possible that one of the resources listed there could be of help to you.
In her marvelously insightful book, My Bright Shining Star: A Mother’s True Story of Brilliance, Love & Suicide, the late Rhonda Sellers Elkins (who, herself, died of suicide), made the poignant decision to publish the suicide note of her daughter, Kaitlyn, who perished, also of suicide, less than a year-and-a-half earlier. I had actually encouraged Rhonda to include it for publication in her book since I felt that it gave incredible insights into the mind of a chronically and persistently depressed suicidal person. It remains, in my judgment, the most beautiful, insightful, and eloquent suicide letter ever penned.
In her departure letter, Kaitlyn, an intellectually gifted high school valedictorian and then 23 year-old student in her third year of medical school at Wake Forest University, wrote, inter alia, “I am so dreadfully sorry for the unimaginable pain and hurt that I have caused you by taking my life. I am sorry for hiding from you that I was so deeply sad. I am sorry for not letting you know that I felt like I simply no longer wanted to live my life. I am sorry that I didn’t let you in on the perpetual despair I lived in. Depression is nothing new to me, I can’t remember a time in my life in which I didn’t feel like I was barely treading water. I never told you how pervasive it was because I wanted to protect you from it, and I wanted to protect myself from it. But I have finally decided that I’d rather just not exist. I have found myself happy on occasion, and I have had many pleasurable things in my life, but mostly I feel overwhelmingly sad and exhausted from the weight of it. I would just rather not endure it any longer. I would have died years ago, but I couldn’t bring myself to cause you such sadness and heartache. I still can’t bear to think of the hurt this brings you, but I just can’t go on.”
Elsewhere, in the same note, she continued, “I know I had such a seemingly bright future, and I know I would have been such a successful doctor and wife and mother. But all I have ever desperately wished for is to not feel like not existing would be preferable to being who I am and living the life I live. But that’s never been true. And that’s deeply sad and horrible and possibly terribly unfair. But that is how I feel and how I’ve felt for longer than I can remember. It may be inadequate and it may not justify my action, but it is the best explanation I have.
I hope you will forgive me. I hope you can be happy again. I hope you can find the strength to endure this burden I‘ve placed upon you. And I hope you will never doubt how much I love you.”
Kaitlyn’s last written words are a powerful testimony evidencing the thoughts and mind processes of a person who has struggled with chronic and persistent suicidal thoughts. As a society, we must redouble our efforts to make it easier for those who suffer from chronic suicidal thoughts to express their inner turmoil and make it known to others so that, as you say, Dr. Freedenthal, “they can be helped to develop problem-solving abilities, coping skills, hopefulness, and reasons for living that will make the option of suicide unnecessary.”
“As a society, we must redouble our efforts to make it easier for those who suffer from chronic suicidal thoughts to express their inner turmoil and make it known to others so that, as you say, Dr. Freedenthal, “they can be helped to develop problem-solving abilities, coping skills, hopefulness, and reasons for living that will make the option of suicide unnecessary.”
”
And make it easier for them to just die, if the person feels that such would be the best course of action for them. Not every case of suicidal ideation can be solved in the way that you’ve described, and people deserve to have the right to exerise autonomy over their own existence.
I’m glad you mentioned that chronic thoughts of suicide aren’t always from Borderline Personality Disorder. In my experience, being mislabeled with BPD led to a reluctance to hospitalize me even when the thoughts were so intense & unbearable that I legitimately could not keep myself safe. For the extensive amount of time that I’ve been coping with suicidal thoughts, Al’s ChronicSuicideSupport.com forum has been invaluable in being able to talk about how I’m feeling when things are difficult.
Yes, the option of suicide can sometimes be the only way to survive- when things seem so out of control and you can’t make anything better, at least you’re in control (ish) of suicide…
I’m not sure if I’ve already shared this with you, but I gave a sermon at my church about my journey with depression & suicide that you may be interested in: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=AftiXHnDu2U&t=4s
I was told by a doctor even though I talked about suicide I would never do it and they told me just keep taking your antidepressants you will be fine regardless to whether I will or not the thoughts are still there however I have stopped taking my meds as my dumb doctor has put me on Sertraline 100mg, which the side effect causes my heart to speed up this would be fine if I was not on beta blockers for my heart to slow down
Oh my Gosh Michael Hutton how on earth can a doctor put you on medications with contra indications that one makes your heart to speed up whilst another to slow it down, do some doctors know what they are doing. There are some anti depressants that do not speed your heart up and it may well be worth your while to change your doctor and go on to something that will help with depression, as being totally without any treatment for depression might not be a good idea unless you are sure the depression is not a problem anymore which for most of us it is a chronic condition especially when suicidal thoughts have been a lifetime habit, I have had suicidal thoughts all my life and been on anti depressants since I was 24, I am 62 now and I have researched all these subjects to do with medications and depression etc. Anyway this is just my 10 cents worth, and I hope you get the help you deserve. from Janice
Well, Stacey it took you long enough to get to this entry! 🙂
I love Frank Kings comment because it’s a natural for me. Now I know where I got that, I’ve used it myself a few times.
Oddly I’ve heard this from several people – the Suicide Prevention Hotline doesn’t know how to work with those of us who have decided that suicide is an option. One person I know who was getting stressed was asked if they could hold for a few minutes while the hotline took care of a emergency.
And, on that note, I like this article and will, of course, point my forum members to it, so I think you can expect more input from them.
Thanks, Al! You also might be interested in taking a look at my book. I write about the need for professionals to validate the wish to die, to acknowledge that suicide is an option, to encourage acceptance and observation of suicidal thoughts, to not engage in a power struggle, etc. – all actions that likely would be a welcome change for many people with chronic suicidal thoughts.
I look forward to hearing from your forum members at chronicsuicidesupport.com.
I want to say that people who consider this as an end to their suffering should not be judged.
No one has any idea what is in their mind, body, soul. Usually very few know how that person feels and dismiss it.
So don’t judge!!!!
To take something away from a world of people that do or could love you when you see how brave the terminally ill children die fighting and that choice of life is taken from them maybe we should think or listen to what these fallen and falling babies would say and then I hope you will find your will and live to smile another day!