I advise my students to ask their suicidal clients, “What stops you? What stops you from killing yourself?”
Some are horrified. They see this almost as a dare, as if they are saying to a hurting, suicidal person, If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it already. What stops you?
To the contrary, asking the question “What stops you?” merely involves saying aloud what many suicidal individuals ask themselves constantly. And if they don’t consider the question already, they should. Otherwise, they might not recognize hopes and fears that are reasons to keep fighting for their life.
Something has indeed stopped a living and breathing suicidal person from acting on their suicidal thoughts. If nothing deterred them, they would not still be alive.
So, if you are working with a client who has thoughts of suicide, it can be helpful to ask this simple question:
“What has stopped you from killing yourself?”
A related question to ask, as I discuss in this post, is:
“What are your reasons for staying alive?”
And if you are reading this post because you yourself have suicidal thoughts, please ask yourself these questions, too. The answers might fortify you, or even surprise you.
Reasons to Stay Alive vs. Reasons Not to Attempt Suicide
With my therapy clients and in my readings of research studies, I have observed two types of reasons people give for not killing themselves: life-affirming reasons, and fear-based reasons.
The life-affirming reasons center on the good things that can still happen for the person if they stay alive: the things to do, the people to love, the sights to see, the hopes to realize. These are the reasons the person has to stay alive.
Unfortunately, many people who struggle with suicidal thoughts are bereft of hope or pleasure, so there may be no life-affirming or hopeful reasons to keep going. In these cases, fear-based reasons tend to dominate.
The fear-based reasons for not attempting suicide center on the bad things that can happen:
Their suicide attempt might not be fatal, and they might suffer lifelong injuries. Many people have shot themselves, overdosed, tried to hang themselves, and cut themselves only to suffer blindness, paralysis, brain damage, or disfigurement.
They believe they might go to hell. I hear this often. Many of my clients fear what might await them after death.
They worry they will be reincarnated into a life of more pain. This is another fear that has stopped some of my clients from killing themselves. They fear that escaping their pain in this life will consign them to more pain, and more lessons to learn, in the next.
They do not want to hurt others. Some parents are deterred because they know that their suicide would make it more likely that their child would die by suicide. Others simply don’t want others to hurt.
They fear what would happen to their pets. As an animal lover, I get this. Many people don’t have family who could care for their pets, and the thought of the pets going to a shelter – or even worse, being killed – horrifies them. It would horrify me, too.
Generally speaking, I do not try to persuade the suicidal person with all the reasons not to end one’s life. To do so would invite a power struggle, one in which we are on opposite sides: the persuader, and the one resisting persuasion.
Instead, I elicit from the suicidal person what their reasons are for still being alive. I assess how strong these deterrents to suicide are, and I look for opportunities to reinforce them. But it’s best if the reasons come from the individual, not from me. The person’s answer is the only one that matters, because it is what has kept them alive thus far.
Beyond Fear of Suicide
Fear of what would come after a suicide attempt is a powerful deterrent. Ideally, though, people will have more than that. They also need hope. And they need a life worth living.
In my book Helping the Suicidal Person: Tips and Techniques for Professionals, I discuss many ways to help someone discover reasons for living, grow hope, find meaning, and improve their quality of life. (Sorry for the blatant plug, but there are too many tips to go into here.)
The more reasons a person has to stay alive, the more answers the person has when asked, “What stops you?”
What if Nothing is Stopping You from Suicide?
If you are thinking of suicide, you might have difficulty coming up with reasons for living. You might not even be able to think of something that is stopping you from killing yourself now. If so, I ask two things of you:
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- Get help. Talk to a therapist or a physician. Go to an ER. Let a family member or friend on your suicidal thoughts. Use a hotline, text line, or other resource listed at www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp. It’s very possible – indeed, probable – that your thinking is distorted by stress, trauma, or illness. With treatment or time, you might indeed be able to identify many reasons for living.
- Examine what has stopped you till now. Even if you can’t identify reasons not to kill yourself, if you’re alive, something has stopped you until now. What? As I describe above, the answers may reveal hopes or fears that are themselves reasons to continue staying alive.
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Copyright 2017 Stacey Freedenthal. Written for SpeakingOfSuicide.com. All Rights Reserved. Photos purchased from Fotolia.
Thank you for your presence, Stacey.
I live in suspension, as if immersed in aspic, inhaling to the bronchi and no deeper.
I live with a medical concern that qualifies for assisted death; am an elder with no close bonds, no purpose, direction, home, or emotional tone other than a fairly thick containment field that encircles a core of terrorized rage.
Too many losses and blows over the last 13 years and a ruined sense of Who-I-am-ness; all joy and animation have vacated; body’s breaking down. Abandoned by mate last year. For the first time in 24 years, bereft of a beloved cat (or three). Live, post-divorce, with some relatives who tolerate my presence and want me gone. Looking for a room somewhere, from which to vacate. Dread what is likely to come (friendless; alone; impoverished; ill; have no children; utterly numb)–>more of the same until death. Necessity demanded a move from a beautiful place (semi-rural, surrounded by green) to a hideous one (suburban concrete near a major roadway where cars scream all day, all night; more than 4 million humans crammed into an urban ulcer).
I admit to no thanks–This, too, is a new state, and a horrific one.
I used to hold buttercups in my hands and quietly weep for the beauty.
I used to have someone to touch.
So very goddamned tired. To the marrow.
I wake each day; with awareness of this life that goes on, the first word is “Fuck.”
I used to wake with a cat on my chest, purring right into my heart.
I feel nearly nothing, just Life’s tenuous hold on my life.
Life insists on living.
Jaw clenched.
All of my dearest ones have died.
We won’t reunite; of this I feel sure.
I attended my mother’s death, both as a daughter and a doula. Her essence spun like an orb, then was gone. Energy, dissipating.
C’est ça.
Beloved elders, my heart’s North Stars, are the vacancies I murmur to. I don’t pray. Sense of the sacred is dead.
I tended my mother’s conveyance from alive to beyond, and now I don’t care. My life has degraded to that deep a degree.
The most sacred passage (hers) and privilege (mine)–and I don’t care.
It’s not fresh, the loss: she’s been gone more than 20 years.
What stops me? At this point, exhaustion.
Forgive me.
Oh my, you describe your pain and hopelessness so powerfully that I feel it with you, from afar, as I read your words. I hope in time things do get better for you and you awaken again to a cat purring on your chest, or you feel awe for buttercups’ beauty, or whatever else can make life worth living, scan with jaw clenched. And yet you also said you have an ongoing medical condition, and I’m sorry for all the loss and pain, and I still do hope for better for you even if you don’t.
Also, I apologize about the long delay in posting your comment! For some reason the emailed notifications I typically receive when someone posts a comment have stopped, and I finally realized tonight that it’s not because no one’s been leaving comments!
Oh my, you describe your pain and hopelessness so powerfully that I feel it with you, from afar, as I read your words. I hope in time things do get better for you and you awaken again to a cat purring on your chest, or you feel awe for buttercups’ beauty, or whatever else can make life worth living, even with jaw clenched. And yet you also said you have an ongoing medical condition, and I’m sorry for all your loss and pain, and I still do hope for better for you even if you don’t.
Also, I apologize about the long delay in posting your comment! For some reason the emailed notifications I typically receive when someone posts a comment have stopped, and I finally realized tonight that it’s not because no one’s been leaving comments!
You should write and publish your writings. You have a talent. I’m not a big reader but your words kept me reading and for a moment I thought I was reading a poem. You have a depth of passion that is relatable and needed in this World.
My intent is not to offend I am saddened by your pain I relate to your pain and we are not alone we really have each other.
I experienced an ASA last night. Should I get help, or just try to process it?
And for those that don’t know what an ASA is it stands for Aborted Suicide Attempt.
why I havent killed myself?
the question is more of, when will I be successful. I have tried for many years, but ive never been successful. either I didnt do enough or I ended up in the hospital. though, I am thankful now that I am alive as im still only a child. theres so much left for me in the world, yet I cant help but stop to think
“why havent I succeeded?”
this thought haunts me. ive been suicidal since I was 9. my childhood was fucked, everything about life is fucked. but, I feel like ive found meaning. but I know its only temporary.
I dont feel like anything is real.
life is so weird. I feel like ending it now but I know it wont work.
when I read, “If you really wanted to kill yourself, you would have done it already. What stops you?” i stoped to think for a moment. does anyone know how harmful this question actually is?
the only thing that stops me is my f—king body. trust me, ive tried so much and so many different ways. I always end up still here. my body is permanently covered in scars and wounds that will never go away. I have to live like this.
what is the point of this? what is the point of anything.
My government is satanic and has made it impossible to kill myself
Please destroy the united states, we constantly tortured from birth until death and never allowed to leave nor kill ourselves
I felt chronically suicidal for most of my teenage years and during my twenties. I had been to so many therapists and I don’t recall a single one asking me questions about suicide. I was taught that looking good on the outside was all that mattered. I did not matter. Graduate high school, go to college, get a good paying job, and for God’s sake do not talk about the past. Do not talk about abuse or trauma or feelings or shame or hopelessness/helplessness. Judge and criticize everyone who is different, uses drugs, and those less than “perfect.” I knew my childhood and everything I much of what I was told was one big fat lie. Knowing that didn’t help. The thoughts, the words, the feelings of not belonging, and the core shame was ingrained. I survived by journalling. I filled over 25 journals over the years. I went to groups (never talked), went to therapists and talked well. Hated when therapists asked, “so how can I help you? seems you have it figured out.” My faith in God and Jesus helped me survive. But I wanted more than just survival. I found these amazing healing retreats in St. Louis, MO. In one year, I attended a retreat every month. And I journaled like crazy. I learned to smile. I stopped thinking about suicide. Then I decided to become a clinical social worker (as my second career) because I truly wanted to help others find hope in their lives.
Remember I said I was taught…
Looking good on the outside was all that mattered. I do not matter. I graduated high school in the top 5% of my class, got an applied math degree, worked full time, got a graduate degree – SO WHAT. I guess it could have meant something but then I’d have to care. But then I was taught nothing matters. Love doesn’t exist. Do not talk about abuse or trauma or feelings or shame or hopelessness/helplessness. Judge and criticize everyone who is different, uses drugs, and those less than “perfect.” Avoid anything messy about life. Judge and criticize. Look for errors and mistakes.
Hah. How the h—- do I help people when those thoughts are so ingrained within? How the f—- to help others when I still feel like one big ?????????????????? Great, I have succeeded at working until I found something I can’t make myself do well. So if my identity has been about being perfect, how do I move forward. And now as I age, getting a new job gets harder and harder. My hard work ethic and history doesn’t even matter.
I don’t think about killing myself. Sometimes, I just wish so very much I could die.
I would say my main reasons are:
1. dying a slow, lonely, painful, scary, agonizing death
2. being left in life in a vegetative state
3. potential afterlife of endless conscious torment
4. would hurt countless people
Parents forced us into a world that we don’t want.we didn’t asked to be born.i have no obligation to stay in this life for anyone.they knew this life is too cruel and still they procreate. I want to commit suicide, believe me. I dream of death . Death is comfort. But my mind won’t let me. I hate and despise and resent my parents.they should have lived alone without children, at least they wouldn’t leave a child behind when they die. To all the women out there, keep you damn legs closed and to all the men , keep it zipped. Children are more than happy and appreciative NOT to be existed.
All my life I try to find someone who thinks similar to me thank you for showing me that am not alone and for being honest I would hope things are better in the next existence but that’s the lie they sell to us
I want to kill myself, but i can’t.My body won’t let me.what a piece of shit this life is.i truly and deeply hate this world and this life.I cannot believe how people say that Life is a Gift .it’s like they are living in Paradies.
The only reason I have not killed myself is because I know that eventually I will die. Just hope it’s very soon, like tomorrow.
I don’t have hope, just have false expectations for my future. I choose not to live, rather I choose not to kill myself. I suffer, we all suffer, expecting joy. Life without Joy is suffering. Only knowing I can end my life at any moment gives me a reason to continue my suffering expecting maybe today, tommorow, next week might be better. If my suffering does worsen, one day eventually it will, that day might be my last. I know the day is coming when I will choose to end my life, end my suffering, I have no desire to live forever, nor live until I am no longer able to end my life.
It is almost too human reading this thread: hundreds of people aching, weeping, and existing. I ask myself why I am here; why not just cut to the chase sort-of-speak, and sitting here at uni I don’t truly know. Many say that this state ,this mental framework can have a ring of sanity to it. As though by virtue of methodology or calmness one can garner justification for their thoughts.
Overall I disagree. I think what forces us into this thought loop is our perspective our lens, not being good enough, or insert whatever other deficiency you could name. Our world becomes our failures and shortcomings, and this myopic lens lords over us. We enslave ourselves to this.
The cognitive bias of our minds is our prison. I hope, in time, I might escape and lend my blueprints to other weary captives, but for now I sit, waiting for my oppurtunity. I prep for the day that I might be able to help others. I am in no position at the moment, but when that day rises over the tired horizon, I hope to bring with it something tangible. Not a panacea or some smoke filled chicanery, but an escape into life.
What makes anyone think ‘they’ control or stop anything in this place especially about voluntary death or suicide? You do not. Powers far higher than puny humans control this; I should be dead 100 times but something always stopped it. I finally found out why on the last NDE from the other side, the voice said, ‘you might as well stop, until your purpose ends, you are not leaving. Nobody leaves without owner permission.” Poof!!! I’m back in this shit hole. That is comforting to know. The actual experience is not describable in words; there is no vocabulary capable to describe the indescribable. I was in pure consciousness; no form, no feeling, Nada…pure consciousness. The voice was not a voice but …words fail me. The ascent and return were not in common descriptions of light tunnel, jesus or any of that. Last I saw before departure was the world go flat in 2d then a soapy film over it then nothing. Return was the same, Poof! Back in hell. John Lennon’s ‘Imagine’ is the best description of the other side…he knew that and put to words. He died for his sanity at the hands of an assassin but only when he finished John’s ordained purpose in hell. He left us words for each to figure it out for self, and only self.
If a person can logically plan out their death, and they’ve been thinking about it for a while, how is that distorted thinking? Why is there an assumption that the person isn’t thinking clearly and therefore doesn’t have the right to do what he wants. What happened to “my body my choice?”
Because suicide does not make one feel better , dead people don’t feel at all. Factually, they are not people anymore.
Dying does not change the situation of the person, it makes the painful situation eternal. That kind of beats the purpose, no ?
On the contrary, it changes everything. It ends the situation. It is the only real solution to permanent problems. The whole “temporary problems” hooey discounts reality. Getting off this hellworld is the best possible outcome. It would be great not to exist, to feel nothing, to not have to continue to suffer.
If goal is not to suffer, the answer is no.
No, Death is freedom.Death is comfort. Do yourself a face, do not say to people that life is a Gift.Enough lies.
Holy crap, I didn’t realize people were thinking the same morbid thoughts as I. What keeps me from cashing in my chips? My beloved kitty. My younger daughter said she’d take her in if anything would happen to me, but she is so skittish around anyone, I just can’t get myself to leave her–sometimes I resent her for still being alive so I can’t leave but then feel guilty because I love this cat. I think about offing myself several times a week; several times a day when I’m really depressed. I legit got jealous when a co-worker of mine got terminal cancer–she wants to live. I wish I could have taken it from her. If I feel a pain in my body, I hope it’s a disease to take me out. My eldest daughter doesn’t talk to me and keeps my 5 grandchildren away from me because she blames me for everything wrong in her life. In her defense, my personality has changed because of the depression and crippling anxiety but still no reason to keep my grandchildren from me. Those kids are my everything and it’s lonely w/o them. Loneliness is worse than the depression. Call the suicide hotline? Not me, I have social anxiety ha-ha. So, I just keep carrying on for Jaspurr, although that gets harder and harder every day.
What stops me. Is time.i need medicine to live.if I stop taking it. It takes time from not taking it to get to the end .I am totally disabled .live alone.have no real friends to hang out with. Noone ever comes over. I have no car so I’m stuck here. Can’t walk far cause of my disability. Takes forever to get anything done around here .have no help. Kids are grown and on their own.have 2 grandsons who live in a different city. Hardly get to see them.i have depression and anxiety and I been this way forever. I tried to suicide in the past due to loss and abuse .so time is what is stopping me
It’s only a moment…
Something in this world has gone horribly wrong in the last 2 years. Everyone I know seems to be hypnotized and brainwashed into believing that a virus is deadly enough to warrant having all of our rights and freedoms slowly stripped away. Every morning I wake up worrying if today is the day that I will be forced into taking an injection that I know full well will eventually cause me to become gravely ill or cause me to suffer a slow, uncomfortable and panful death. I know suicide is not the answer but right now it seems like the only solution. I cannot help but wonder if taking the injection is the “mark of the beast” John warned us about in the Bible in the Book of Revelations. In it, the Book of Revelations states that, without the mark of the beast, nobody, rich or poor, small or great, will be able to buy or sell – isn’t that exactly what’s happening right now with the vaccine passport system government’s around the world are trying to implement upon all of it’s citizens? The Bible states that once we take the mark we will be doomed to an eternity in hell – if this is true, wouldn’t my only escape be to suicide myself? And yet, to do so is a sin against God, and so, what other option do I have? Get vaccinated and risk an eternity in hell or suicide myself and hope that God forgives me for killing myself in order to avoid taking the mark of the beast. I do actually have a third option – choose to live and avoid taking the mark. By doing so, I risk a life of living on the streets and being mocked and ridiculed by my family, friends and coworkers, which perhaps is the path God wants me to take. I am literally damned if I do and damned if I don’t. What would you do if you were me?
You have two fears here – a hellish situation after you die or a hellish situation while you live on earth. There are two options – 1) Think about afterlife and spoil your current life or 2) Think about current life and leave the afterlife judgement to God. There are no guarantees about the afterlife. There are guarantees about the current – so take the injection.
There will be two outcomes – If you were to die after taking the injection, when you go up say this – “I took the injection to prevent the virus from spreading to the vulnerable population and save those people who might have died due to the virus due to their poor health”. You might be pardoned for your noble thought. If you die due to suicide, you will definitely be punished.
You can check also read about Dr. Peter Hotez from Texas. Educate yourself.
Hope. Self-love (not the sexual kind). Appreciation. Knowing that before you can die, you must live. Knowing that there is improvement scheduled. Understanding the mechanisms behind the urges, finding out that they were never yours but programmed through mainstream society and triggered by master manipulators.
I have tried sucide more than once. And the cause is the people i should be able to trust my parents and they tell made up stuff to everyone and alot of people hate me because of them. When someone told me i have no point in life and i never will so i should just die i told the person i will and eventually my parents found out because he told them. And they and everyone they have told stories to said he was right i don’t have a point. Other people are telling me i should be a writer since i write in my free time. Who is right? But i would give up pursuing my dreams to become a writer to escape this life. I almost did but before i took a whole bottle of pills my brother stoped me. but didn’t tell anyone about it. and now i am ready to try again. but i haven’t because of my boyfriend and a friend from school. But are they really enough or should i just die?
No you shouldnt just die. Follow your dreams of writing. Dont try and appraise what your life is worth based on your boyfriend or friends. People come and they go, and to make them the deciding factor of whether or not you live or die is not only dangerous but silly at the same time. Maybe they will be in your life forever, and I hope that they are if they are positive influences in your life. People like to lie and make up stories, and theyre just that stories, Ive had plenty made up about me. Dont show the people making them up that it bothers you, or even acknowledge it, when people ask you just tell them its made up and dont give the question any more thought. I think maybe you need to speak with a therapist and maybe work out any possible issues you may have. People can be cruel, and usually its because they envy something about you or they are hurting and want to take you down to make themselves feel better. Stay away from those people. I hope you take some of my advice. I too have made attempts and try to convince myself not to end it daily. By ending your life is letting them win. Go on to be a great writer and really stick it to them.
Don’t live for them, live for you. I have a really hard time saying this, but if I would have understood this sooner I would be in a much better spot now. For years I tried pouring my problems on my friends, having them bend over backwards for me, listening to my sad songs and giving me (maybe false) encouragement.. and this went on for years up until a couple weeks ago. Lifelong friends, the ones who said they had my back and loved me, finally had enough. And honestly now I am kind of glad, because I learned that living for other people that you think will be in your life forever, will just lead to more heartbreak and disappointment when they finally had enough of your BS or just simply change their minds. We only live our lives through our perspectives, and even typing this after just holding a rifle to my mouth 15 minutes ago, I can tell you that this life is our decision, and ending it does not solve anything. We have our whole lives ahead of us, our favorite foods to eat, the quirky and silly/touching things that happen now and again, the sensations we feel, the good things and the bad. Don’t depend on others to give you a reason to live, the answer is right in front of you. Live long, young soul <3
I live with clinical depression. I nearly died a few years ago. I can honestly say I hurt a lot But what keeps me alive is others. I don’t want to break my grandmothers heart, or the youth in my family. Sometimes you just got hold on and tell yourself tomorrow will be a better day. I have been telling myself this for nearly a decade.
and keep telling yourself that because it’s true
thank you for your post very much
It’s not always true though. It’s entirely possible that things will only get worse, and it’s insulting to deny that.
The only thing that has kept me here is my best friend. I don’t want to kill myself and see all the pain that she will go through because of me.
Alex,
I’m glad you’re here! No doubt your best friend is grateful, too.
Please keep in mind that you can text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 for help at any time.
I got released from the hospital yesterday after complaining about chest pain & shortness of breath . After many tests , they were content to agree that my extreme reflux disease was the cause of my discomfort . I was so happy to come home to my own bed & fell asleep immediately . I woke up this morning crying my eyes out !! I was so hoping my condition would have been Fatal . Yes , you read it correctly … I don’t have the courage to take my own life for the same reasons the others have stated. Afraid the attempt will fail & end up worse than before . BUT , not a day goes by where I haven’t wished an outside force would take my life …. heart attack , Covid , cancer . To add to my pain of living & something I haven’t seen addressed very much on this site . I’m battling with my Faith , of which has dwindled down to almost non existence & my inability to cope with every day situations . Have all the classic symptoms of deep depression . I go days without bathing , my house looks like a bomb exploded in every room , I no longer want to partake in any of my hobbies . The fact I battle with an auto-immune disease & need surgery on both feet ( making it almost impossible to walk ) has added to my struggle & yet , I can’t find the courage to “Off” myself .
I’m seeing a therapist , taken anti depressants , all of which don’t lessen the darkness of my thoughts . I have a support system made up of family & friends .who love me .. my therapist is really concerned & caring . So , what is Wrong with me ?? No matter what I try to do , to help me out of this black hole , & Lord knows I’ve tried everything … I can’t help wishing I could die & be reunited with my husband . I keep asking ” Where are you God “
God, my friend, is where he’s always been, he and our parents gave us life and it’s up to us to determine what we do with it.
“What’s wrong with ?” Nothing, some of us have diabetes, some of us have heart problems and some of us suffer from depression. (And no, I’m not going to say suck it up and live with it … that’s no help at all!)
I’m 73, have been depressed at various levels for all of my life – that I can remember. Like you, there are few days that I don’t go to bed with the prayer that God will allow me to not wake up … he doesn’t, I wake up to three dogs every morning.
Looking like a bomb went off … try that with three Huskies! My house looks like someone blew up a hairy mattress in it … and I clean when I need to; meaning when I run out of cups, I was one – maybe two or three and if I’m really adventurous I might even do all my dishes.
I’m not laughing at you; I’m not even really laughing … but I’ve found that for me making light of almost everything is my salvation. If I off myself (CTB – catch the bus) then I haven’t solved anything and for better or worse, I want to try to solve my problems (with 70+ years behind me, you’d think I’d realize they aren’t solvable) failing solving them then I figure I can just live with them – on the really bad days I take a dog and go for a walk … on a really good day I take a dog and go for a walk, it’s amazing what a walk with a four legged friend can do.
It’s not easy, no one ever said that life would be easy but even in the worst of it, I find something to live for … just one more minute, or one more hour and sometimes even one more day.
Take care of yourself.
//dragon
Anonymous,
I can see in your words how much you’re hurting, how much you want to die, and how much you’re questioning God. It’s good you’re not alone with these thoughts and feelings — you have your therapist, family, and friends — but I also see you’re feeling that’s not enough. I found Dragon’s response to you to be very wise. You might want to check out his online support group at chronicsuicidesupport.com. (You might not think of yourself as suicidal since you have no intent to try to end your own life, but wanting to be dead is itself considered a form of suicidal thoughts, as I discuss in this post: “Do You Wish You Could Go to Sleep and Never Wake Up?“)
Take care, and thanks for sharing here!
Stacey , this missive is directly to you . I don’t know if it’s relevant to the others but your words in response to my reply about “why I haven’t ended my life ” hit me like a TON of bricks . Shouted out to me like a neon sign !! You acknowledged my overwhelming pain . You indicated ( as kindly as you could ) that having the wonderful support group that surrounds me … It still was not enough for me to over ride my dilemma .
You gave me a figurative Slap in the Face !! How grateful I am … thank you.
I’ve read the real , sorrowful , lonely conditions of the contributors on this site . The ones that ripped me up were those who live in cars , are homeless & unemployed, have no family or friends !! No family or friends to talk to !! It hurt my heart so much ,I had to cry . I’m so full of Shame ,I realized I have no right to utter another word to this site . My eyes were made to see … I must Run to my family members who love me , I must run to my friends who haven’t abandoned me in my time of crisis & I must hold out my hand & heart to everyone who is remotely suffering in they way the contributors to your site are . Above all , I apologize to all who read this . I’m fortunate to have been made to see …. I am Blessed
Anonymous,
I’m delighted that my words helped you. At the same time, I merely was reflecting what you’d said in your post: you shared what terrible pain you were in and said you have a loving family, friends, and a caring therapist but still can’t get out of the “black hole.”
While I’m grateful that my words helped you, I’m worried they might have helped you in a way I didn’t intend. That is, I didn’t intend to convey that you have no right to feel bad, or that your problems don’t amount to much compared to people in worse straits than you, or that you “should” feel better since you have care and support from others. Above all, I didn’t intend for you to feel shame about wanting to die. I didn’t intend to convey any of that, because I don’t believe any of that.
Pain is relative. Even if there are people who hurt worse than you, it doesn’t make your pain go away. I often compare this to two people sitting on a park bench. Somebody drives by and shoots them both. One is hit in the head, the other in the leg. The person who had a hot bullet tear through their leg’s skin and muscle doesn’t stop hurting when they realize how much worse off the person next to them is. They each hurt, regardless of their prognosis.
If putting your problems in perspective and recognizing you’re loved by others helps you, please, by all means, savor the solace those acts provide. I’m thrilled that they help you. But if you find over time that your emotional pain returns (or persists) even after you’ve made these changes, it doesn’t mean you’re doing something wrong, or have failed, or are deserving of shame. It means only that you’re hurting, and you’re deserving of compassion.
Thanks for sharing here!
Stacey, I must respond once more . I’m not naive enough to think my pain will vanish entirely just because my eyes were made to SEE . My pain is very much alive as I write but at the same time I’ve been strengthened to the point I’m more capable of moving forward . Contributing to the site & reading the other comments has made me feel liberated in a way I haven’t been able to grasp until now . No family or friend or therapist can cut through the pain . I will still come home to an empty house … will always lament my husband’s absence . When you perceive you life to be Perfect … it is , indeed , perfect . You can’t attain anything above perfection . My shame comes from being so self absorbed I forgot what it is like to have empathy toward others & more than that … Gratitude !!
I can now concentrate on things that are outside of myself , with the understanding that by experiencing the value of Your site , I’ve grown . While I’ll never fully adjust to life without my husband … or the pain that lives inside , ,always … & cry for my loss – I can , perhaps , comfort someone in their time of need . Thank You , Anonymous
Anonymous,
I am grateful to you for sharing here again. I’d worried that you’d viewed my initial comments as shaming you or guilting you into being grateful. I see now that that’s not the case. Your comment above makes clear that you’re not denying your own pain. Instead, it’s evident that witnessing others’ suffering on this site has opened the door for you to profound compassion, empathy, and gratitude. What a gift!
How sad that your husband died. I’m very sorry for your loss. Kristin Neff, a psychologist who writes about self-compassion, has developed an exercise that underscores how our suffering connects us to all people and is a gateway to compassion. I think it might interest you. You can find it at self-compassion.org/exercise-2-self-compassion-break/.
Thank you so much for checking in here again! It’s wonderful to see when this site touches another person, and it has touched you deeply.
yeah i just have my boyfreind that keeps me alive
The fear of failing to kill myself, resulting in not only hours of agonizing pain, but also being left in a vegetative state, is what scares me the most. The embarrassment would be pretty awful as well, I suppose.
ntNull,
Those fears stop many people from acting on their suicidal thoughts. And a great deal of those people are happy, in the months or years to come, that their fears deterred them. (Having said that, I wish that embarrassment weren’t one of people’s fears, because I don’t view a suicide attempt as embarrassing. But I know that’s the reality for many.)
The only thing that stops me from killing myself, is the possibility of failure. Every day is absolute torture. Counselling, meds, and a supportive family, have not enabled me to overcome my desire to end my life. Going for a run, or watching a funny movie, isn’t going to fix me.
I find it helpful to make a list of things I need or want to do before I’m gone. Even if it’s just punching a few people in the face. That usually distracts or at least sidetracks me from suicide and I can actually think of things to accomplish. Or punch somebody whatever goes first. I don’t believe in Hell but I can just imagine the Lord looking at me with a bit of a sad smirk telling me, “So…you decided to kill yourself…” As if I don’t have enough to explain. Oh and six cats. 6! No one will take them much less love them like I do. So. Here I am. I can’t remember the last time I even had a friend, well one that doesn’t have fur and whiskers. Love? Maybe once but I think maybe it was just kindness I mistook for love.
Monie,
I love your sense of humor. At least, I think you were joking in some places. I hope so!
I’m sorry you’ve felt suicidal. It’s sad you live without friends or (human) love. Given how witty and funny you are here, others are missing out.
And six cats sounds heavenly to me. Seriously, pets are a major reason for living for many people.
Thanks for sharing here. If you want to chat with someone, please text 741741 (the Crisis Text Line) or try the national lifeline at 800-273-8255 (TALK). I list other places on the Resources Page.
When I was young, I stayed alive because I feared hell. After my only relative died and I thought about the downright hellish things we “good” humans do to other sensitive, self-aware, potentially autonomous beings (slaughter houses, factory farms, forced extinction…) yet STILL, supposedly, avoid hell, I dumped religion. In college, I saw some of the country’s best psychiatric professionals who introduced me to some of the best therapists. For a decade, I did prescription drugs, CBT, DBT, even two stints of high voltage ECT.
All the while, my life continued to get much, much worse. I couldn’t find work (despite multiple degrees, great faculty recommendations, and even the initiative to pursue research projects and publish data on my own). There’s an abundance of hard evidence that people like me in the US and abroad have among the highest suicide rates due, and this is the finding of multiple medical and psychological boards, to the extreme, often physically violent, discrimination we face in society. We are also statistically very likely to end up in extreme poverty due to our low attainment of employment (again, discrimination). And the US and Europe have strong evidence that poverty (combined with high housing costs and low wages) is itself an independent risk factor for depression…
All this to say that, yes, despite enjoying some of the country’s best psychiatric and mental health services for decades, I am more suicidal than ever. As other mental health scholars have written about, I don’t believe I am “mentally ill.” I believe, instead, I’m just like most people who have basic emotional, social, and self esteem needs that if consistently denied or sabotaged by their cultures suffer emotionally and physically. But all I hear is, “You should talk to someone.” By which the sage offering the advice means a professional. When they learn I’ve been doing that for 30 years–all over the country–they generally become miffed. As if I’m lying to attempt to discredit their fiction that professionals can ALWAYS help. The assumption of “always” being used as justification for the unevidenced belief that there are no justifiable suicides. But professionals may be unable to help when the problems are deeply insidious and broadly social–like life-snuffing institutional bigotry and hatred even–especially–from those who’re supposed to protect you–like faculty, religious leaders, the police, the courts, public service and health administrators…
What stops me from killing myself today? A combination of exhaustion from being deeply depressed (drugs, therapy, ECT haven’t helped; don’t get me started on the useless, insulting, vacuous “help” lines or the hell that involuntary or voluntary commitments have been for me) and terror of getting it wrong. I’m constantly researching methods. The risk of very painful failure remains considerable. So here I linger, unemployed, deep in poverty, not even $100 in my savings account, struggling to survive day-to-day, consumed with wanting to get off this world, but too terrified of the pain of failure. And as many companies admit, if you don’t already have a job, they’re not interested in you anyway. So you NEVER get the money you need to dig yourself out of increasingly debilitating, DEPRESSING, suicide-justifying poverty.
Let’s just keep spitting out the 1-800 “help” line numbers whenever someone seems suicidal while poverty, joblessness, underemployment, discrimination, no access to free/affordable legal help to fight “illegal” discrimination and corruption from the powerful–and so many other reasons that CAUSE many of us to become suicidal in the first place–persist. Yeah, I’m sure that’ll be effective. But “please, seek help at 1-800…” is so much easier than actually improving our culture so many of us aren’t being pushed closer and closer to the edge.
[This post was edited per the Comments Policy. – SF]
CM, it’s sad to hear how much you’ve suffered and how little professionals and treatments have helped. Thanks for sharing your story here. I hope that somehow things get better for you. I agree, solving formidable social problems would decrease suicide risk. As a society, we have a long way to go to help vulnerable people, to provide a safety net, and to protect basic human rights.
I want to commit suicide because I have lost my wife to divorce and she was the only woman I’ve been with, I know she is my soulmate, we were both unusual and came from rough childhoods. I met her online many years ago on a chat site, she private messaged me and said hello, how are you, many have before her said similar things but i took it in my stride, at first I did the same with her, but something inside of me told me, be an urge or instinct, something deep inside of me to get back in touch with her and so I did. We got talking more and she moved from her country to mine to be with me, we instantly fell for each other and we got married and had a son. But I neglected our marriage, I didn’t make the effort, our son got taken and fostered. She went on holidays a few months ago, I supposed to go with her but I didn’t. She got there and has filed for divorce. She has no contact with me. I live we all these regrets, the most recent being that I should of went with her, it plays over and over in my mind “ I should of, I should of”. Every hour of every day I think of her, there’s this ache in my chest when I do, it doesn’t stop. Now she there, I’m here and I live in a house and town of memories of her, what did here, what we did there and so many pictures, even have the jacket that I wore when I first met her. What keeps me alive is hope that we can reunite and I can make up for all the mistakes I’ve made throughout the years of marriage. To change the future in order to rectify the past. If there is no light at the tunnel then it’s lights out. It’s hard to describe the urge than the thought of committing suicide, it’s like you have sunk into yourself, your there but your not and you have to snap yourself of it or you will damage to yourself or more. Limbo isn’t any caught between want to commit suicide and being too afraid too. In my opinion it’s not when people are talking about suicide is when you should really start to worry, it’s when they suddenly stop, that means they have made a decision. Any advice about my marriage would be appreciated.
So true. Being told to call “1-800”, or make a safety plan, or fake it ’til you make it, or it can only get better, or try some different meds, or go for a run, or watch a funny movie, etc, etc, etc, are so futile at addressing chronic depression for most adults suffering from year(s) of intense suicidal ideation. Hiding blogs that are “negative” and only posting the blogs that are positive, has done nothing to address the rising rates of suicide across the nation. I find it cathartic to read of others’ honesty, versus the many positive platitudes out there. They’re not working, and we need to expand the conversation.
Mark, I totally agree. It only angers me more to hear about local efforts by people in a state that has had one of the highest suicide rates for 20 years talk about how much they care about suicide, when the only thing they offer is a 1-800 number. I even tried to get involved, only to be met with people who seemed to be annoyed by any criticism. The message was: get out of the way, because we are serious about suicide, even if we have to kill you”! Hypocritical idiots cant see the forest for the trees!
Very well said! I can relate.
yes i have been told that if you commit sucide you go to hell not heaven but it dosn’t stop me
I stay alive for my 4 cats and 1 dog. If not for them, suicide would be more likely. I’ve lived with it so long, unfortunately, it does seem normal, like breathing. DBT has helped but it’s constant work. You have to keep at it.
Anonymous,
Pets keep many people alive. They’re amazing!
I wonder if you’ve seen the post When Suicidal Thoughts Do Not Go Away. Sounds like it might be useful to you, given how long you’ve lived with suicidal thoughts.
It’s good DBT has helped. Yes, it’s constant work, but the more the skills are practiced, the more naturally they come.
Thanks for sharing here!
There are absolutely no reasons that I should be feeling like this. I have this overwhelming sense of burden and self loathing all of the time. I’m scared that the people around me will find out I feel this way and leave me and then I really won’t have any reasons to stay here. Im sad all the time, and I don’t always want to die. I just don’t want to exist. It’s good to know that I’m not alone in feeling this way. It makes it easier to come to terms with how to cope with pain, because there are so many undergoing tremendous pain. We can pull through it.
To Anonymous: yes, somehow it does help to know others out there share your pain. It’s not much, but somehow its comforting. It clearly sounds like deep depression, u might find relief from the right antidepressant if u haven’t already tried several.
I understand, hang in.
I have had GAD & Ocpd with severe depression for nearly 40 years. I had a good family so that wasn’t the problem. I have been hospitalized before and take medications for it. I have probably been on all of them.
I’ve taken care of my mother with Alzheimers for 5 years & I use a caregiver service for about 20 hours a week. I get out & exercise while the caregiver is here. It doesnt help my depression but I make myself go anyway. I also go to a psychologist, he’s a good man but there’s nothing he can do. Alzheimers caregiving combined with years of depression has been devastating for me.
I think of suicide every day but I don’t want to hurt my Son and Grandkids. I guess i hope things will somehow turn around and I will be a big part of their life. I know I can’t do anything about my mother’s Alzheimers so I’m only alive for my Son and Grandkids. I dont know what good I will be for them after all this is over but im fighting to make it through each day for them. It is a living hell.
I feel like I am stuck here living when I don’t want to live. I guess we are here to suffer and just make it through until we die.
I feel guilty for being so depressed for so long when I know there’s so many other people that have it worst than me. That doesn’t stop my depression or me wanting to die though. I feel like a weak loser for feeling this way. I pray for everyone going through this & for all the sick & the people taking care of them.
I’m 65 yrs old and facing homelessness. I have to rehome my dogs who are the only family that I have.
I want to kill myself so badly. I can’t seem to be able to do it. I have a method but I’m so afraid to try it. I feel God and everyone else has abandoned me. I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know what to say to help you. Just know that I am praying for you and your dogs and that im thinking of you.
Ok, let me preface by stating that when we’re depressed and feeling suicidal, the last thing we need to hear is how lucky we are compared to more destitute people. It just piles guilt on top of everything else. So I get that. BUT, there is a lot to be said for counting your blessings. I don’t mean material stuff.
Blessing number one: That you are the type of person to do the thankless job of caring for a family member with Alzheimer’s. Do you have ANY idea how special you are? How unique and valuable? How unselfish and giving? How blessed you are to be YOU? To me, you are an unsung hero.
Thank you. I wish I had a therapist as understanding and empathetic as you. I’d love to talk to you and I’m going to start my own blog. Soon.
Everyone in the comments seems like an actual human being. Meanwhile i’m just a husk, narcisstic, disinterested and empty. Unabused, stupid, lazy, ugly inside and outside. Like a leech not contributing to society, but not taking much either. I just want to rest and stop being whatever I am. Even at the bottom in here haha
I have been so close to killing my self so many times now, I’ve lost count. I already had this horrible calling from my late 20’s and later had a devastating accident that took my whole way of life away.
I found for me, that if I leave a really important item I put in place undone. I found I just can’t kill myself until it’s gone. But it has to be something really important. For example having sex with someone outside a marriage etc. You have to leave evidence, like photos hidden. Maybe in a bank lock box with a key given to a friend or lawyer. So it would go to that person if you died. With a letter explaining you did this to keep your self alive. Just in case you accidentally die naturally before disposing of it. Make sure it’s really inaccessible to you at the times, places you get the overwelming feeling. When one’s dwelling on killing ones self.
I always have a clearer mind when I have to wait and drive to the bank to destroy my secret. It keeps saving me, not wanting to add onto the grief I would cause by suicide.
Hope this doesn’t sound sick to some people. It’s worked for me for 34 years now. Just figure out what you can’t leave unfinished in life, even if it’s not a bad thing. You can bide time for yourself to gain control, sometimes a few minutes count.
So true
I was involved in a head on collision oct 6 2018 what was not my fault i have a severe head trauma from the accident state police said i was lucky to have walked way i have alot of very bad headaches im to the point i thinking about death alot in a way im afraid i will kill myself
The thing that stops me is I don’t have a gun
yup same here
Im not really sure why im commenting on here it seems as if every ones problems are way worse then mine i feel like i want to sever my line every body feeds on me im married but my marriage seems to be failing my family is all fucked up ive been cheated on my gf was sleeping around with my best friend she got pregnant and it wasnt mine then 5 days later my brother killed himself for some reason i dont think he did but i guess maybe im wrong i can’t count on no one my mom takes pills and sleeps all damn day 365 days a year my dad isnt around as much no more my family is fighting each other every thing is falling apart my wifes family feed of us and it’s like shes ok with it when i try to put a boundary line i get yelled at and then we start fighting im just so sick and tired of every ones bull shit especially her sister oh god where do i begin!..yesterday i thought about killing my self im not sure what is keeping me alive maybe its the fact that if i did kill my self it would be a low blow not to every one but to me maybe im just used to being drained of my energy and my feelings maybe im just meant to weather and die but some times i feel like just pulling the trigger at least id die by the one thing i love to do my wife would get insurance money and so would her sister and her sisters kids her family that would be the last thing they would take but i would never give them the pleasure to bleed me dry ive come this far maybe i can fight and change my mind
to all of you who feel worse than me im so sorry its a battle in our life to stay alive and i hope we do im gonna try to fight so should you
Suicide is not special.
You will not accomplish anything by committing it.
Yet
People make a big deal out of it.
Death does not matter.
Life does not matter.
Most people are just to absent minded to see it.
I want to kill myself so bad. Nobody cares about me and I get reminded everyday that I’m ugly and nobody will ever love me. Not even my parents. Not even my nana. Not my sisters, not my brother. Not my friends. I feel like suicide will be the only way I will ever be loved but at the same time I don’t want people to only love me because I’m dead. I just want to be loved and cared for and to not feel repulsed by myself every single day. I need help but I can’t bring myself to tell anyone I need help. I also ruined the one thing good that was going for me (talking to a guy I liked) and it’s slowly eating away at me and I can’t seem to stop thinking about jumping in front of a car.
Sorry if that was a little gruesome :///
Yeah… what a difference it would’ve made if I (too) would’ve been hugged etc decades ago.. how to fix it now? I don’t know. I can’t talk to my parents – seems like we exist in different dimensions, not like I even feel like hugging them, let alone talk of how I really feel. Even the most simplest of everyday chores. Or financial issues, a major fuck up.
Maybe that’s me explained, a major fuck up.
I don’t know it didn’t make me want to stop I have no one to live for.
I can’t escape my miserable marriage. I have no money or marketable skills; suicide is my only way out. I haven’t killed myself yet because I have teenagers at home. I have to hold on until they are capable of living their lives without me.
I have approx 2 yrs left, if the stress doesn’t kill me first.
I havent killed myself because im afraid of what is after. Will i suffer more once i am dead? Thats it, if I knew I wouldnt suffer after death I would do it. I know I can find someone to take care of my cats once I am gone and one of my kitties is very old, he could go any day. Honestly I know everyone else would be fine. Im not close to my sister and my mother is a big reason I wish I could go. Im not married and have no children. My closest friend has so much on her plate that really she would be sad when she thought of me but she has too much to take care of for it to be a major concern. My niece well she use to be my reason for staying but I have been so disappointed her life lately that it doesnt really matter anymore. She also has a son and a husband, so she would be ok. But Im here and cant go because I am scared so stay here stuck just waiting to die anyway.
No one likes me.I get bullied at school.I selfharm.Everyone hates me.Im ugly.I was cheated on.My best friend is using me.Im too naiive.My teachers bully me.No one takes me seriously.My family hates me.I only see my dad 4 days a month.2 failed suicide attempts.I dont know what Im doing here.
You can talk to me! I am the same way! Speak to me. I promise I wont let you down
I want to die but I’m afraid of not doing it right.***
I haven’t killed myself because I’m afraid of screwing it up. If I had a fool proof way of doing it, guaranteed no pain and that I wouldn’t end up paralyzed or disabled, then I would do it. I don’t want to suffer while it happens. I was thinking of pills, but I don’t have access to anything that would put me to sleep, and I’ve heard stories of people not being successful and being messed up afterwards. I’ve taken every antidepressant, seen a psychiatrist for years, been thru the ringer. I have a job that every day makes me want to die rather than go to work. I work longer than everybody else trying to hang on to it and I can’t do it any more. It’s not enough and I know they will fire me eventually, rightfully so. If I don’t work I’ll be on the street. I thought I could manage living in my car. I have some savings and maybe if I were careful and picked up odd jobs I could survive. I have no family or friends I can count on. They have their own problems. Mother in nursing home, sister is sick and scraping by. My father was a married man so I was hidden until his death. They wanted nothing to do with me, thinking I wanted something materially. But now, why live in my car, why quit my job and be homeless, just quit life. There really are no other options, I just have to figure how to do it without it hurting and being SURE it will work.
I am 16 but there had been so many times where I wanna fucking die. I want to kill my self because I got verbally abused by my mom and brother. And when I talk to them about it they say I’m overreacting. Sometimes I just wanna make it all stop in a second. They do what they do but I still love them both. In a way….. but like sometimes I wanna kill myself so they can feel the fucking Pain or I just want to run away from home. My safe place right now is school no joke.. even though I dont like it but I deal with it. God should take my life before I take my own. When I’m older imma treat my kids good. If I’m even alive who knows. One day imma run away ok kill my self I swear.
I can relate. I hated weekends because I couldn’t go to school to escape the abuse at the home. I thought I wanted to die. That I didn’t have the strength to breath with all the boulders the sat upon me, crushing me. Just want to die before the placement of another boulder. Then I just became numb. I did not feel sad or happy, not sure if I was in my body. Nothing hurt. I am not sure how long it was, but the numbness did go away. At times I wish I could go back to that state cause it is better than the suffering. I was 16 then.
Many of you guys have the opportunity to go and explore the world and by that I don’t mean travel or have a good life. By that I mean to simply go outside. I am 16 and many people my age are able to do so many things and again simply communicate or hang with friends. I can’t do any of that , I can’t cry without having a valid reason and I can’t have plans. I feel like I’m in a cage with a mom and stepdad that only care for me financially and no more. I’m debating suicide but what good would that do right ?
Hey A, I couldn’t picture being in your shoes. I grew up with a single mother so I had no choice but to get out and see if I could earn some of my own money – especially if I wanted anything; but then I wasn’t that great a kid so I had my share of run ins with the law, as well.
Unless you have physical limitations that I can’t see, I see no intellectual limitations (you write well, correctly and coherently) to your ability to get out. But then, parents today have to protect their kids – we know that it’s a royally messed up world in which we live. There are those, the helicopter parent, who seem to want to exercise complete control over what their kids do – bet that’s frustrating! Then there are those, like yours, who seem to want to control but don’t want to interact and I’m afraid I’d lose it with that type of parent. I left home when I turned 18 and finished High School and never looked back.
BTW, I call what your parents are doing as emotional abuse … so do a few states.
I run a forum (the link is in my name) where people who don’t necessarily want to kill themselves but don’t want to go on living “like this” have a chance to air their feelings in a safe place. Let me invite you to come chat with us …
I don’t think that somebody would miss me anyway, nobody needs me, or loves me, i m alone. And i’m so tired of the struggle that is staying alive and breathing for nothing. I just worry about my cat, but i know who would take care after him. I feel lonely, nobody has time for nothing, i m broke, tired of job hunting and that i get nothing, depressed 24/7… I’m so tired… Today i asked 10 people if they wanted to hang out. They all have an excuse, so i quit. Now Ive been whole afternoon in bed, crying … I’m just so done with this pain…
My girlfriend has just left me and taken our 2 young children with her,now I’m just sat in the house they were brought up in on my own which is making everything worse. We broke up over nothing really and I just made things worse because I get angry when I’m hurt and say hurtful things I don’t mean which has driven her away. I honestly believe I’ve been cursed with something because when I was younger I had everything going for me and it’s all slowly falling apart. I think it is worse to have something and lose it than never have it in the first place. I work hard at my job,gained good qualifications but cannot use them as no one will give me a chance to move up. I’ve always been conscious of my appearance, struggled with eating disorder, had a problem with gambling so my self worth is nothing, I don’t want to live anymore but don’t want to go because of my children and parents. I’m stuck in limbo and see no way out.
Even pain you get used to after a while, but the tiredness is always there.
For the past 6 years I have lived in complete mental isolation. Yes, I’m surrounded by friends and family but they don’t make a difference. We can talk but we can’t connect, I can explain the situation but they can’t relate. The hardest part is knowing that they have no way of understanding what is going on in my head. Ive had many conversations with my best friend but they seem to only solidify the thoughts in my brain. I’ll leave thinking it’ll happen soon, that I’ll finally have the courage to do it. My mom doesn’t seem to take me seriously and has even smiled when talking to her about it. I guess what’s stopped me from following through is the fact that I don’t want to disappoint my daughter. I’m a single father and She’s too young to understand the situation. I fear that it will affect her in a way that might push her in the same direction when she grows up. I don’t want to set the example, but I want to be selfish and continue through anyways. There’s comes a time where your not worried about what’s going to happen, you just beg for the pain to cease, I feel like that time is right around the corner and that it’s only a matter of time. I’ve reached a point to where I can’t feel anymore, no joy, no sadness, no fear, only one constant question in the back of my head.. “why are you still here?”
i get it and feel your pain
i feel same way
at end of the day people listen but they have their own life and they don’t have the answers
often there is no answer
see my prior comment
The thing that stops me for the moment is my family. Also what could happen to my sister knowing that she is only 9 and I would hate myself even more if I knew that I was the cause of another death. And I feel like I can do so much more than die at the age of 12.
I understand I haven’t killed my self because I’m afraid for my younger siblings and how upset and sad my family would be if did it when I grab a knife or anything I could do it with that thought and picture them comes in my head I’ve had depression for almost a year and comes and goes I keep a fake smile but sometimes I try to overcome it I cry in my own dark place and hide it everyday I go to school theres so much drama that I don’t know what to do with myself that I’m blurred out inside me I have only one close guy friend he is like a brother to me we tell each other everything he tells me when he’s down and I do the same he’s suicidal and depressed like me so we can really relate and we keep a close eye on each other no matter what every one says
the thing that stops me, is thinking my dad, whom has a good job, is going to be depressed and get worse at his job, and he is going to get broke, and the same for my mom. my dog, whom i love, all tho i have only had him for 4 years, my brother and sister. i am afraid my friends will get depressed or feel the way i do, all tho most of them are too funny and happy to get sad…..
knowing i just pushed my depression over to someone else
i’ve only told 2 ppl in my life, that i wanna die, and kill myself, but i dont think they took me seriously…….
While fear of failure is a minor factor, the main reason for me is laziness.
Most days where I am, it’s just too dang hot. I might be too tired, or there’s a storm, I’m in the middle of doing something and I don’t want to stop. It’s random and unlike most people, I have impulsive reasons that keep me from going over the edge. But I’m chronically suicidal.
To go on with it, I’d rather be as close to guaranteed death as possible, and that means not a very convenient methods to go by.
Most of the time I wish that there was just a switch to my life and I could just flip it off it would be so easy.
If you find that switch please let me know because I have been searching for it most of my life.
The things that stop me are my mom and my pets. I love them both so much I know my mom would be devastated and I don’t want to make my animals sad. I also am just scared of pain I get really scared over cuts and stuff so that’s part of it I just wish I could die in my sleep or something. I’m also not sure if I actually have problems with myself I don’t know if that makes sense sorry.
Fear… That’s it!? Some rational, some not so rational… Haven’t bought the Santa/cop in the sky for some time now, but; What if?!
Met a fella, a few years back with a hole in roof of his mouth. The round graized his frontal lobe but took out his sinus cavity… As well, he relinquished what little life he had to the care of contractor psych facility for the state…
Hope? Of what?! A dose of dopamine? Maybe some endorphins or a healthy flow of serotonin… and then what? Struggle for another dose? The only garauntee in life is death!? Meanwhile, navigating ignorance, narcissism and meglomania? Fucking yippie?!
I’ve got no reason to live. And it would make all the people who know me, have a much better life.
I’m sad all the time.
Me too! I am always sad. Listen we can talk together and help each other out
The biggest thing that stops me from even trying to kill myself is the thought of not being able to finish it. I’ve come up with thousands of ways to do it, just seems no matter what one I chose I could live. So it’s pretty stupid but the biggest thing keeping me alive is fear of living. If I was made to live it could trigger a death attempt. Going along with the shit lined flow seems like my destiny.
I’ve had suicidal thoughts since I was 8. The pain never seems to go away, no matter what I do. I am now 31.
I’m 44 and it never goes away.
as I lay here foggy and confused by the world I do not recognize, I try to remind myself that my life will not always feel so dark. It’s like I’m living in a dream—I can recall what my day was about, but I can’t remember any details. How did I get from point a to point b? How did my day begin? Where am I now?
I have to believe that it won’t be like this much longer because it’s too scary to face for forever—and I would ultimately have to end it. My mind is my demon, overcasting my every action and thought, causing my eyes to see through a thick puff of smoke.
Stop—feed your dog, brush your teeth, make your bed.
Function like a robot and cease to live.
Sleep. Wake up. Maybe it will be right.
I have a baby sister, she is so close to me she is 4, everytime I think of killing myself she pops in my mind, I love her I don’t want to hurt her, but right i don’t think she will help. I am too broken and tired, I HAVE BEEN REALLY STRONG FOR MAKING IT TO HERE I have been dealing with these thoughts since 2017 -2019
Same
I need help but I’m scared to tell anyone because no one needs or loves me
Caitlin, while it may feel like no one loves you there are people around you who really do care. Regrettably most have no idea how to talk with you or how to help.
Many of us are scared because I don’t think any of us know what’s on the other side of death – the great unknown.
If you can, try to get help, Stacy has a great list of places to start and many of them allow you to remain anonymous.
What stops me from killing myself is every time I try and fail getting hit over the back of the head with a nightstick and drug back to little padded room on a 5150 to wait a couple days before doing it again
That is so sad and hilarious. I can only chuckle because I’ve been there…sans nightstick. Thanks for sharing and living to fight another day.
At this point this has become my normal routine. I’m on a first-name basis with every cop everywhere I’ve lived.
Every time it happens I know the drill, take me back to the same hospital, take the same pills and go to the same therapy sessions twice a week same as the last 20 years.
At this point I figure either I’ll eventually get better, or I’ll just end up succeeding one of these days.
I hope that everyone else on here can find something that will keep them going and truly want to continue living.
I am too tired to kill myself. I could never do it. My medication has made me so numb that I don’t even feel connected to my body anymore. I am living in a dream. But thankfully because my world doesn’t feel real, the need for death doesn’t feel real either.
I need this
It’s just a matter of time any more. I’m tired. No one really cares. ER visits lead to a few day hold, where when you’re ready to leave, you simply answer when they ask if you’re still suicidal with, “No.” My hope dies before me, and though people believe it to be selfish, those people clearly don’t know what it’s like to feel like a burden.
Everyone can see that I’m struggling, but nobody understands when I explain what I’m feeling. I don’t want advice from people who don’t understand. I don’t want you to ask me how I’m feeling because how I’m feeling scares me. I just want to be distracted.
My name is Erica. I’m sorry. I am there.
yesterday 13/3/2019 ( i’m Australian by the way) i got a belt, i got a tall chair and i went to hang myself. i know it’s weird about the chair BUT, this is beside the point. I wrote a letter to my friends and family on my computer printed it out and sat it next to me. i took a deep breath an let it happen, but before i loss consciousness i saw a text on my phone, my friend replied to one of my texts that i sent last night. She texted back ‘you never let a day go past by without making me laugh’, i broke down in tears and thought i can’t do this to someone i care about. I lost sight of that people actually cared about me, that if i did this it would do more harm to them to me. Just remember think about other people when you are as close as doing it as i was.
Mom would be sad.
My mom would be mad
Is anyone here to talk
Hi Anonymous,
If you want to talk with someone, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 any time, or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. I list other resources, too, at speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I don’t do it because even though I’m gone I’d wind up hurting people I care about.
Excuse Me, I didn’t read everything, but what I have read intrigued me to write something. It ain’t beautiful? Life. Good Lord We Go through hell, yet we all every now and then get a piece of heaven. Is that our purpose?. To prove our hearts?. While the rich spread their richness?. Where are we? The real, normal, god fearing Americans?. That put blood sweat and tears in to everything.
Jason, No, for all to many people life isn’t beautiful! We’ve been physically, mentally and sexually abused. We’ve been told that not only are we worthless, we shouldn’t have been born in the first place. When we get a chance to see that “piece of heaven” we know that someone’s gonna come along and make a mess of it for us.
And when that’s your starting point in life, it’s difficult at best (and is that an understatement) to dig yourself out of all the crap.
I’m glad that you seem to have a positive outlook on life, but for some (me) that outlook borders on the impossible.
Things were really bad. So bad that I just couldn’t take it. The night where I first time thought to die I had a dream. I arrived in wooded area and it was lots of sunshine. A very very tall attractive male greeted me with open arms. He said he knew that I would come home to him. He missed me so much. I felt uncomfortable because I had no such memory. I ask where am I? Hell he said. Is it really that bad? Look around! You are very unhappy there. I told you it will happen. You promised me you never leave me!
And so he continued: what good is heaven? All they do sing glory to god. Who wants that?! But in his eyes I saw he was jealous and envied those in heaven tremendously. He was very nice and comforting and seemed to be genuinely caring for me. But something felt wrong. He told me that since I was gone he invented so many new things. They were technologically impossible things, it was so overwhelming that I couldn’t process it. Invention of all kinds is his hobby to speak. He rules that place. All inhabitants submit to him. As he walks they turn away and get on their knees. People who live there appear to be not sincere and scared. And as I was spending more time in his company I was more and more feeling not right. No way to explain. It was worse then hopeless and sadness, much worse although all seemed to be great. And the moment came that I can’t be there any second longer. And I scream at the top of my lungs: let me go! I woke up. I knew that no matter what I should stay my natural time on earth. It is not an option at all. I was so happy to be back! I can’t decribe how good it felt.
I’ve read and listened as if you were talking right beside me. I want you to know, I’ve been through it all, and I’m still going through it. I need someone to talk to, probably just as much as you do. But I relate to you. ?
My reasons for wanting to commit suicide but obviously can’t do it but I think my problem is the fear of dying in pain cause I think I have a low tolerance for pain I get uptight over a paper cut a lot of the time but anyway I hate my life and everything about it, I don’t feel like I have anything to live for anyway I’m nothing but a loser and I’m sick of kissing our dear government’s ass plus I’m sick of taking medicine and going to the doctor I’m just sick of life in general I pretty much have felt this way for a long time but I think more so since my mom died five years ago!
tHINKING THAT SOMEHOW dr pHIL IS GOING TO HELP YOUR FAMILY BEFORE THINGS GO SO BAD THERE IS NO COMING BACK. tODAY IS THE WORST DAY EVER
I’m suicidal and I want to get help. I am getting help this now, but I don’t feel as though it is enough. Is there anything that I could do to make myself feel better. Any coping mechanisms.
Hi Zarren,
There are many articles on this site that might help you learn and practice coping mechanisms. Here are a few:
“Let’s Get Physical”: 7 Tips to Calm Anxiety
Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
Like Clouds Before the Sun: Mindfulness and Suicidal Thoughts
Talking Back to Suicidal Thoughts
You also can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. I list other resources at speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I hope you’ll check at least some of these out!
Life can’t be always nice.I do understand it,I do understand that people’s actions may have a positive,negative or even neutral impact in their lifes or on the society.However what I can’t stand is my psychism,i’m an intelligent-productive person,you could say a problem solving engineering mind that doesn’t want to change…and here’s the problem,because if we accept the fact that change is the law of life,we have an intelligent human being who is unable to communicate with people,because I cannot understand their mindsets.In addition to my anti-social symptoms i’m both consciously and unconsciously a self destructive personality which is against my peace of mind.Conclusion:Every time that I try to blend with new people i’m either considered a narcissist just cause I’m trying to be an analytical mind when I take place in conversation or stupid because people don’t actually listen to what I say.My life is also kind of empty erotical wise because despite the fact I want to grab that chance to show empathy towards a girl,I simply fail to do so,it simply doesn’t work no matter my feelings about her…also I’ve once been labeled as a pervert for a compliment.With that being said i feel like I can’t blend into today’s society,but can’t stand the loneliness and their disrespect as well.I’m also feeling an undertow of fucked up thoughts (like raping the girls that wanted to dominate me),because of these thoughts and loneliness I’ve been suicidal for maybe two years now,what keeps me in life is a woman that I love and biomedical engineering (also bass guitar as well)
Life has been really tough lately and Im getting tired and numb, constantly running to do this and to do that. Then once I feel like Im getting in control something is always ready to knock me back down. I don’t even like to show emotion because of this. I rather…..
Well I’m here damnit! Lol. All we have is each other. God gave us all a heart to show our love. Some people have not that. All we can do is stay strong!. Some people know we are all gods children, some will never know.☹️
The reason I don’t kill myself is because people tell me its selfish and I don’t want to see anyone I love get hurt by me taking my own life.
Mmmmm please call me. I’ve tried. A few times. Omg it sucks
My family and how it would affect them prevents me from it..my demanding job and family responsibilities make me think about suicide but it also prevents me as well..
You are not alone. Jezz. U sound like a post I would write. I’m a 1,000 miles away from my family. And it seems like turmoil is 2 feet away. I’m the provider. But it’s never enough. I’m now just a lost traveler in America. Working till there’s nothing left. Why????
Would love if u had the time to talk.
I’m limited with work.
Help me
Molly,
It’s great you’re looking for help. This site doesn’t provide counseling. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, and someone there can help you. I hope you get help soon!
Are you ok
I’m not suicidal. But. I’m 65. Seen people die and get old badly. I bike 5k miles a year but people tell me to gain weight and slow down. My athleticism is seen as selfish. I feel alienated from my peers who can’t walk to the corner or touch their toes. As I tell my gf, I feel like a selfish freak. At times I feel alone. Weirdo, loser, jerk. That is all. God bless.
I’d be gone today if not for the pain it would cause to my elderly mother, my daughter. My wife depends on my SSDI for survival.
I have been looking for a reason why I stopped myself all this time and the only answer I have was I am weak the same as I am in everything but I don’t have any reason to be here anymore
You are not weak, there is something stopping you inside. It might not be obvious and your mind might push the real reason away but you are alive for a reason. You are worth every breath you take.
I dont want to end my life.. but i have suicidal feelings.. i feel stuck in life and it is really hard to even just imagine the future.. i feel like my life is going to be short no matter what.. pls someone help?
Alyssa, your comment strikes home with me and a lot of others. I run a forum for the “Chronically Suicidal” I think you’ll find a lot of understanding from those of us who “don’t really want to die, I just don’t want to go on living like this!”
Stacey wrote about us – after promising for years that she would -in a topic titled “When Suicidal Thoughts Do Not Go Away” (the link to it is https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/2018/01/03/chronic-suicidality/
Come chat with us on the forum, if you’d like, you might be surprised to find out how familiar you find our comments.
I shot myself 2 years ago with a Raven .25 acp handgun it was accidental when it fired the bullet went through my middle finger on my left hand and into my left lower leg and the bullet is still in me today im now 17
Much of my life has been crippled by thoughts of and attempts at suicide. My last attempt brought me within hours of death. I was saved by my higher power. My strength is God, no fear, no pain, the only truth is death when he decides.
My marriage was on the rocks for the last yr and a half. My wife started taking pills and shut me out. Sex life disintegrated. I had an affair. I cheated on my wife. I have a son, 13. I lost everything, her, my family, my home. Now my son does not want to see me. I attempted to commit suicide last night. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m lost. It’s my fault for what I’ve done to myself. I know that. So why should I not just end it? I’m struggling with it.
If you do it now, you’ll never live to see how things get better.
You messed up but theres such a thing as forgiveness. Jesus forgives even when people dont or cant just yet. You leaving would only cause more pain for those you already care about. Im a random guy on the internet and i care.
The thing keeping me around is knowing my wife and parents would be very hurt. I think it’s why I’ve been pushing my wife away, so ready to be done but don’t want to hurt anyone. She has no idea, as we work opposite schedules. I’ve come so close recently, had a noose around my neck (very nicely made one!) and on a ladder and ugh I wish I had done it ??.
I’ve struggled with this since I was very young, and now I’m in my early 30s. From a very religious home, full of dysfunction. I pulled most of my hair out when I was in the 4th grade, it was a compulsion but I don’t know why exactly. I was nearly bald. And only stopped when a classmate asked me why I was losing all my hair. In my teens, my mom and dad got into a fight, and she stormed into my room and accused me of having an affair with my father. I had no idea what that even meant or why she was so angry with me. That moment scarred me deeply. I told my older sister and cried, so she took me to confront my mother, who denied that she ever said it. It was never clarified or rectified, just swept under the rug. She said I made it up or was confused. I don’t talk to my father to this day. And I don’t like to do family gatherings. A hopelessness is growing in me. Sometimes I just really want to die. I rarely sleep either. And I’m not sure what keeps me from ending it. It feels like I’ve been fighting a long time and I’m starting to really lose.
Knowing that life goes on regardless and death is certainly imminent so why bother
Because my sister did it and I saw firsthand all of the hypocrisy that follows. If all the people who came to the funeral spent time with her before she killed herself she’d still be here.
Because I chose to have 3 kids knowing I wrestle with it and they are more important (but also not because they are kids)
Because I cannot control what happens afterward(which is dumb outlook because I’m not controlling things now)
There is nothing anyone can do.
I believe everyone struggles with suicide and it is the driving force of who they are. They just don’t realize it but choose lifestyles or make choices to where if they died from it it would be considered an accident, an addiction, a mistake, a sacrifice/heroic act or a resignation to a fact of their chosen profession… but name the AC and I can tell you how it’s technically suicidal.
It is about the way you deal with it or deny it.
Denial of self is the highest form of living ….
So to those of us who perservere against our greatest enemy…. RAGE RAGE RAGE AGAINST THAT MACHINE GO OFF INTO THAT GOOD NIGHT AYE
IT IS A GOOD DAY FOR THE CROWS
My mum and dad!! They are the only reason
My dad died recently and he wld be a strong reason to stay alive. It really mattered to me what he thought of me more than my mum. She accepted me, I can tell her anything and she has no judgement but I know from that, I don’t think about what she might think of me and my actions. My dad wld be devastated if I did kill mself and it really wld have stopped me but he’s gone now there is no reason . I’m having a really bad day. I don’t know who to ask for help.
I don’t have anything to stop me anymore
my mother was my reason, she commited sucide a few years ago. i dont know if i’ll be around but you message me if you like till then.
I lost my best friend 2 years ago in a motorbike accident. I watched him die and it was horrible, I miss him deeply and life just hasn’t been the same with out him. I had another friend commit suicide a few months ago. Every relation ship I’ve ever had I’ve put 100 percent into and always end up back on my own, alone, hurt, heartbroken. I can’t take anymore. I love my mum and dad they are amazing and the thought of hurting them doing this is terrifying but it’s something I am going to do. Feelings are horrible, my mind isn’t a nice place, I have the biggest heart, a good job, but I’m 31 now and every birthday is misery, last 2 my ex’s left me, and my best friend died. Life is so hard, I’m not afraid to end it, I’m afraid of the pain I’m going to inflict on my parents. The world is a nasty dark place and I don’t want to bring a child into this mental thing we call life, yes life is beautiful, life is wonderful but death is part of life. We all die sooner or later, I just don’t want to feel anymore, I don’t want to remember the things that are burned into my mind, the numbness, the lack of ambition, the innablility to see the light in a world pressured so much into a society which I don’t conform too…
I thought I found the one, 6 weeeks in, we had such a blast together, she knew all my flaws, she knew all my secrets, we had amazing sex 2 dAys ago then left my yesterday and I just cant keep picking myself up every time somebody slams me to the ground. I don’t have a purpose, neither can I find one.
I wish you all find peace in the struggle in your head and your heart feels calm with what ever decision you make. X
thanks x
Being a single father of a beautiful 7 year old daughter is what keeps me from going through with suicide. The thought of what it would do to her and my mother is unbearable. I feel I came so close a few times a couple years ago and now I’m back in that same depressive state. This time I’m not drinking heavily and its helping alot with my suicidal thoughts. In 2017 I was depressed, suicidal and drinking every night almost. Every time I thought today was the day I would try to find as many reasons as I could to keep living. I no longer feared things. I went on a road trip alone from Washington state down to Utah and Arizona. I skydived over Zion park and I rode a bull in Arizona. If I was going to kill myself I was going to cross some things off my bucket list first. I climbed angel’s landing in Zion and was going to kill myself up there. I knew jumping would be sure death but didn’t want my body to be completely mangled and unrecognizable so I brought my hand gun with me to shoot myself in my broken heart. I sat up there for hours looking at photos of my daughter and taking in the scenery….that was enough for me to not go through with it. There was something about driving through the desert alone and doing dangerous stuff that made me feel alive for the first time in a long time.
I get it
Jeremy, that was beautiful. I too relate to the ‘aliveness’ you felt driving through the desert alone. It’s something I’ve always connected with, and southern Utah is one of my favorite places on earth. I’m realizing how much I need that sense of freedom again that I’ve lost in my life, and that its the only thing I can think of to keep me going.
I have been bullied since 3rd grade and no one cares because I am nothing and I have been told to go kill myself or go get ran over by a car and I am thirteen now and it still happens I did nothing wrong to be bullied did I step on there turf or something well what keeps me for not killing myself is my dad he a a medical condition and I want to be there for him I love my dad so much that is the only thing that keeps me alive
Kiara, I am so sorry for what you are going through. I went through it myself for many years. I wish I could take your pain away. What concerns me most is where you say “because I am nothing.” You’re not nothing, you are worlds better than people who’d make someone else miserable and then kick them when they’re down.
One of my favorite movie scenes is from The Adventures of Tin-Tin. Tin Tin calls himself a failure and the sea captain says to the effect: “There are plenty of people who will call you a failure – don’t you EVER say it of yourself! You send out the wrong signals, that is what people pick up.”
Think about that. You can watch that scene from the movie on YouTube. If you can manage to send out a “self-confident, insults just bounce off of me” attitude, people find another unfortunate target to bully.
I wouldn’t do it till my cat goes. I rescued her from the streets and we are each other’s world. If sticking around for a cat sounds pathetic, well, so be it. As those animal rescue bumper stickers say, “who rescued who?”
But here’s an ironic thought I’ve always had: The knowledge that in reality I can pull the plug any time I want to is a relief valve for me. It’s a feeling of having control when life seems out of control.
Another funny thing is that only when I’m in a period in life where I don’t want out can I understand people’s fear of dying – accidents, cancer, whatever. Sadly, it’s also the only time I can empathize with the tragedy of a sudden death. When you want out, your like, “Geez, God, why didn’t you just take me instead?”
One important thing to remember if you’re feeling hopeless and considering doing it is that life is kind of a series of “eras.” Some you are glad are over, some you look back on and wish they’d never ended. But if you’re in a crappy era, remember that they pass. A good one may be hidden around the corner. Stick around and kind of live your life as a spectator for a while. Suicide is the only case where being a procrastinator is a good thing.
This kind of really helped me I just attempted to end my life and I was wondering what stops you from wanting to end your life and I can say that thinking of the people I’ll hurt makes me want to not do it as well as maybe being afraid of what comes after death. I have reasons to not want to end my life. Life is beautiful and just because I’m having a rough day doesn’t make it fair to hurt the ones looking up too me. I hope that more people find this and think of the better things life has to offer
People keep telling me that it wont last forever, someday you will feel better, not wanting killing yourself anymore. The sad part it has been 8 years, i dont know anymore, i dont feel anymore, i cant feel anymore, i dont have anything, anyone that i can hold. People told me that if i have something that i can proud of or achievement i wont feel sad anymore, but i dont feel happy even if i did something that i should proud of. I pray to god everyday that if you dont want to save me then just kill me. I dont know until when i will last, maybe the day my parents die i just kill myself, after all they are only reason i live today, because my parents will be sad if i kill myself.
Aldi, I’ve a mix of thoughts to your note.
MOST people have no idea what we’re *really* going through. They relate to their own experiences and, in most of their cases, it does go away. It’s just been “a bad day” for them.
I’m 72 and the desire to die is ever present – oddly, to the point that I can live with it – and it’s been a part of my life since my teens. Maybe Stacy can give me a reason, but for those of us who have given ourselves permission to die (or suicide) that’s the *first* place we go when we’re have a bad day, week, month, life …
If you can accept that you don’t have to die – even if you can’t find a reason to live, maybe it’ll help.
I exactly understand ,what are u going through, cuz the same here…it’s been more than a 10 years…n the day after day it’s getting worse and worse …but still, i don’t wanna kill maself ,i didnt chose death over life or vice versa…i am painfully numb
I miss my ex girlfriend so much. I dont want to call her an ex. I hate that Word. Its been close to three years. I still cry everyday. The nights are the worst. Getting out of bed is hard. Im considering doing it once my parents have passed on. I am too broken to move on.
Im with you. If my parents were already gone, it would make the decision to end my life a lot easier. I dont think it will get any better for me, its been so long that I cant even tell you when it started. To be honest, I think it was always there lurking in the background even when I was an adolescent. I was always prone to episodes of melancholy and I always suffered from an irrational amount of shyness and fear.
I don’t know when it happened, but when it did I just can’t stop thinking about it. I keep repeating my thoughts that I’m worthless, no one wants me, or I’m not important. I know all these kind of thinking is the symptoms of depressive disorder. I tried to find help but all the alternative helps have to pay. I just want to talk to someone who would understand me and don’t judge me by my thoughts or opinion. I haven’t find that person yet. These days, I try to think about my parents very often in a day. It helps but it didn’t stop me from the thought of I could be a suicidal, one day….
Oh trust me I know EXACTLY what you’re talking about: ignored but yet expected to become some unrealistic idea of who you’re supposed to be. Made to feel like ish and forced to watch your younger siblings get the encouragement and nurturing you should’ve received. Just one item in my cocktail of chemically imbalanced manic depression episodes. Three weeks ago I actually went there. Almost worked but my partner and my therapist got 911 to our house to revive me. Imagine cursing out the very people who are trying to save you. I went into the hospital for a week and received some of the best care I could possibly ever imagine. During my stay I realized something: what happened to me doesn’t define who I am today and want to be. Take your past, ball it up, pour gasoline on it and light that MF on fire. I’m not gonna let those who hurt me do that ever again. Don’t get as drastic as I did but trust and believe in this fight, there isn’t a such thing as alone. Reach out
How did you do it??
Most people only want something from me and the rest have left me for dead.
To “I’m Don”, you have just given me another quote for my collection of statements that sum up my feelings about life. It’s exactly how I feel too.
Thanks, you’re not alone, if that helps.
what stops me from doing it? the idea of my mother and father blaming themselves. they are well beyond 70 now, so this “excuse” will die off soon – quite literally. and honestly – i am just waiting for it. life has gone from shit to worse
Yeah my parents are my.biggest deterrent. They don’t deserve that. They deserved a better child than me. It would have been better if I was never born.
My life become a hell. I am loosing everything I have in 4 months….. I love my kids, wife…. the only thing i want is happiness, keep moving forward in life…but everything is gone because people put shit in my wife head. Now just only because I want is her to respect me as husband and I told her. Now i am the worst person ever. After 18 years, 3 kids and a lot of tears…. this is unfair I only dedicate my life to her and to my kids, coming out of a extreme poverty. Reaching goals, passing obstacles….I am looking for a way to kill my self, if… but I am afraid, I am afraid of me.
I’m thirteen years old and my life has gone to shit my mother physically abuses me and my sister wishes I was dead my father never lived with us and he also hates me my grandmother does not have much time left and all my friends hate me I am always told I am a piece of shit and I believe it I am having a hard time doing it because I have no money or job the only thing keeping me here was my cats but they have also left me I am doing very bad at school and I have a lot of suicidal thoughts I am depressed and have ocd I have nothing to live for but when I do kill myself or I get killed I am worried I will go to hell where I belong
I know it may seem like things will never get better, but youre only 13. Give yourself a chance to graduate high school and then you can go live on your own and live how you want. Youre only a few years away. You can do this. I wish every child grew up in a loving environment but unfortunately thats not the case. Not to sound selfish, but sometimes i wish i grew up in a dysfunctional family and i could blame that for my failures but i grew up in a loving family which makes me feel all that much worse for turning out the way i have. My family deserved better than me. Please try to hang around long enough to truly forge your own path. Best wishes.
Sorry man. I dont even know what its like to be married. Hell, I’ve barely ever had any romantic relationships. Even if your wife leaves think about your children. Try for them. Hopefully, they will forever appreciate it if you stick around to love and nurture them. Best wishes
I messed my life up I refused to marry the women of twenty years I loved her she died in 10/22/2017 now Im grieving because all I had to do was marry her she was sick for the last 8years I became her caretaker it was an honor for but stressful I think about her everyday.she was smart and generous as and pretty inside out.i live in regret and guilt daily my pain goes deep she was my rock my best true friend since we met in church.we both made the mistake to stop going to church we made gambling our past time two bad moves. she was on dialysis for 12 years we both got addicted to slot machines if we were married i would not feel as bad no dignity for her she wanted to feel wanted through marriage we lost a lot over time a beautiful home in a beautiful area.i believe that contributed to her sickness I really believe if I married her and stayed in church and not gambled she would still be here. this is why I think of suicide daily help me God.
Sorry. I am sure she knew how you felt. Marriage vows are only words, God knows your heart. They both know how you felt about her. Don’t be so hard on yourself. Try your best to live life honoring her memory. That is what you can still do.
I don’t want to die but don’t want to live feeling the way I do. Does that make sense? I experienced a trauma months ago. Have tried many meds…nothing has helped. Can’t sleep. Almost wish I would get an illness that would just quickly take me. No enjoyment in life at all. Sorry for rambling. If anyone understands, please let me know.
You know what stops me… hope that this world will change… not just mine…. Everyones.
Let’s face it… some of us that are alone would rather die than work our lives away for basically nothing. That’s my experience coming from a young white male still living for nothing.
Ethan, I think you summed up the only thing that has stopped me too. Thanks.
My dog. Not because I’m worried what would happen to her, someone will take care of her, but because she wouldn’t understand what happened, especially because I’m away from her right now. I can’t stand the thought of my dog waiting for me to come home and I just never walk through that door again. She’s so happy when she sees me, and I’m so happy when I see her. I’m not actively suicidal the vast majority of the time, but every once in a while it just comes over me. I miss you puppy, I’ll be back home soon.
What if the only thing that stops you is your family, and they hate you. What if the only thing left is that it hurts to cut and you don’t have a gun? I wish I had a gun. I’d be high fiving the fucking devil right now, and as soon as my tax return gets in, if I don’t come out of this sadness and rage, I will be. I think some people were just put here to suffer, and that’s that. I think people like me have no hope of being fixed, just of being managed or ignored. That’s fine. But I can’t handle being like this anymore I just want to die, but I’m to scared to do it because I hesitate. I hope I don’t hesitate next time. I’d like this all to be over. I hate myself.
Omg. I feel the same. I’m sitting in my truck right now with a loaded 9mm. 17 rounds. I only need 1 to make the downward spiral finally come to a stop. My dad committed suicide 3 years ago. I told him to do me a favor and fucking kill himself. In anger I hung up the phone. The next day I got a call from sheriff’s deputy. He was found DOA. The guilt had slowly consumed me a little more each day. I haven’t been sober for over 3 years now. I’ve used dope to keep the demons at bay. It lets me push it away, to keep it back burner permanently. I lost myself and tried to focus on a woman I fell in love with. Now after 3 years I’ve lost her too. I pushed her away for good. Now THAT pain is also consuming me. I hate myself. For many reasons. I seek the peace that death will bring. I don’t have enough tears for the pain I feel inside. The hopelessness. The loneliness. All that’s left is pain, sorrow, guilt, doubt, & fear. I don’t know what’s keeping me alive right now. I came out to my truck to shoot myself and ran across this article…..
Im sure your father forgives you and he wouldnt want you to follow his footsteps. He wants you to live a full and engaging life so that when you finally cross over naturally, you can met with him and tell him all about the exciting things you have done. Hopefully you stick around so you eventually have plenty of stories to share with him and in the meantime hopefully heal yourself and help others too. Best wishes.
I’m scared too
23 black and gay,
I havent lost everything but close to it, lost job, car broke, little food and no money. My career is gone not just a job. I’ve been depressed for over 6 years, but I always did my best to ignore it and pray. But I’m at the last straw it seems like ever other year is a bad year for me cant find a stable ground. I’ve had a rough childhood but who haven’t, I’ve been beat, raped, and abused. But who haven’t is all I have ever heard my whole life- (it a past everyone has one) well I’m sorry I was beat cords hands hot coils but u know what I kept it going I moved on and got on my own and I’ve been struggling ever since. I have no friends I dont talk to so called family because of how my childhood was. But i am tired of fighting against the tide, I’m so ready to see what’s on the other side. Because I just cant keep living this difficult life, I’m just extremely tired I’ve been wanted to give up, just dont have the strength to kill myself. I feel like I have a purpose, but why would god just watch me struggle all my life.
Disability. Pure and simple. If I had the actual ability, I would be done by now. I can’t go out and buy a gun. I am too large to do a proper hanging. I have no access to buy things that could help. I am too fat, to actually get a knife through, with the little strength I have.
My husband walked out on me 3 mos. ago. I dealt with his Bi-Polar for years. Him describing how he wanted to kill me etc. why did I stay despite it all? Because he is such a good man, despite the mental illness. These times that he was beyond cruel, the incompetent psych nurse had prescribed meds that caused this flip in him. So he went off all meds, last Autumn. Hoping it would help. then walked out saying he wants a divorce and I had done these horrible things. He can’t even remember what he was like or had done. He tells me I am lying.
I have become homebound and disabled these past couple of years. Docs don’t know what or why. I am in chronic pain. I need help. But my spouse tells me everyone else should take care of me. Who? I don’t have family who talk to me. I have very few friends most of which live states away, the few close are unable or unreliable in helping. I am stuck alone with no help. And I really don’t want a perfect stranger taking care of me. I want to end it all. I feel so abandoned. I stayed with him through his hell, but now that I am unable to pick up the pieces he walks away, and tells me I am a f-ing piece of shit. 16 years of my life I gave up for him, traveling after him, putting aside my hopes and dreams, until after he grabbed his first, and now abandoned? Who would want me now. I’m in my early 40s and not worth a piece of shit. I have no future now. There is no purpose to keep going. No abilities. No spouse. Nothing. Why live?
What stops me? Finding an effective way to end it, that I am actually physically capable of pulling off.
Sorry to hear you are disabled. How severe is your condition if I may ask?
To “No way out of hell”, you have been through an incredibly painful experience, and what I related to was the multiple amounts of betrayal you feel, and how many years of your life you have sacrificed in pain for someone who just abandons you in such a cold way, as if he never felt anything for you. And now you feel equally betrayed by life and your disability that makes it feel impossible to find a way forward. But, it was all part of one long situation, and I hope you find a way to reinvent your life without that person destroying you. What you wrote shows me you have much more value to this world than you believe, and that you deserve so much more from life. It will be a long struggle, but dont let that person consume your future too. Believe in your inherent worth. I need to know people like you are still in this world.
Thank you I will start trying to come up with reasons before bed so I don’t commit suicide
3 days later… I didn’t think I’d still be here. And yet here I am, thumbing through comments, wondering what other souls may still be as well ..
I found this site at one of my low points, and I’m thinking that was a good thing. So far, something always stops me from ending it. Almost as if someone (somewhere) wants me to live, while also simultaneously f***ing with me. It’s lonely, and it’s frustrating.
I am glad you are still here.
Angel, well said. I get it.
Im sitting here a 28 year old male who for the last 5 years has been depressed and constant thoughts of suicide. It started with my ex girlfriend she was verbally abusive and had an abortion. I stayed in the relationship cause I guess I was trying to right a wrong if you think it only a woman’s decision your wrong I cry constantly I feel I let my child die. I work at home depot they got me in touch with a therapist but it made things worse cause the only reason they would listen to me or want to help me is cause they’re being paid. I want love and that is my cure I know it. To have someone to live for that is not me would make me happy. The real funny thing is Im good looking and go for girls that are just ok but even then no one even gives me a chance or wants to get to know me. Im tired so very tired nothing makes me happy I started talking to this girl through an app which for a bout a 2 week period I was so happy but like everything Im afraid its for not so I don’t know the plan is to meet in April so I got 2 months if this doesn’t work that’s it for me I will kill myself
Don’t give yourself a timeline. If you know Love is your cure then don’t give yourself two months to find it. What if you kill yourself and the next day got a text from the girl who could’ve loved you? Don’t give it 2 months. Don’t do it.
Is drug withdrawal making me suicidal? I’ve never had suicidal thoughts until I went “cold turkey” from drugs. (I was clean for a week, but the depression/suicidal thoughts were too much so I went back to the drugs.) I’ve only been clean 3 days now, but the suicidal thoughts are back. I quit my job and I’m about to drop out of school. I’ve talked to my parents about my feelings but they just say I’m “Too young to be depressed.” When I mentioned suicide, they got mad and changed the subject. Should I just start the drugs again to make the sadness go away?
I have the same problem I will say yes to your question drugs is the only way to feel good at the moment
Don’t go back to the drugs, it’ll be hard to start with but stick with it and you’ll get through it. Once free from drugs, you’ll feel the most free and alive you’ve ever been and the thoughts will fade away.
You’ve got this. I believe in you
Consider visiting a psychologist seriously..
Thank you this helped me a lot
Everyday I think about killing myself. It’s been this way from as far as I can remember. I was sexually abused at age 4 or around there and as a boy, I was embarrassed and never told anyone to this day. I’m 51 now, and am a RN with a Masters degree in Mental Health and Nurse Management. Kind of odd how I can fix everyone but myself. I’m diagnosed with bipolar II but I know I’m also antisocial as well outside of my work environment. Medications do not help at all, insomnia is very bad, and I’m married to a woman that should have never been married to. I’m great to my patients and receive very good feedback from them along with my colleagues. It’s just that I seriously do not want to live any more. I never mention this nor my feelings to anyone due to my profession. I just wish I could be magically cured
You say you can fix everyone but you. But I bet you couldn’t fix me. :)..
I do hope you can find a reason to stick around, and be happy enough to see this through to the end though. At 51, you’re passed the halfway point. So you may as well? I hope so.
I have no where to live. i can’t work because of my phobia, i don’t believe in begging. i’ve never had friends. i’ve had this phobia since i was 15. now i’m 54. and the pain is so tremendous. sleep is all i want. but i can’t even sleep. stress. how do i even get a chance at building a family. i’ll never have a career. there’s no time left. i’ve been such a waste of flesh. i once walked out in the mountains and found what looked like someone dug a grave. it was perfect size. i layed down in it. i fit so well. all i wanted to do was continue laying there. that was this last summer. winter is here now and there is so much snow i can’t find the site anymore. once the snow melts that is where i going back. that is where i’m going to lay down and sleep forever. i was walking by a trash can and found some PM pills. it’s a whole jar. i figure i will take all the pills and go lay down in the dug out grave. i’ll fall asleep and just won’t wake up. i’ve tried to find it several times. it’s so cold outside. snow everywhere. i don’t like the cold. i’m not going to take the pills until i find the grave again. i don’t want to die laying on top of the ground. it so cold and so i will need the pills to help me to sleep before i lay down for the last time. really this is all i have left. i realy really have no where to go. i don’t have transportation, i have no home. i can’t afford a home or vehicle. i can’t afford food, clothing. my teeth hurt so bad too. i have constant headaches. i went to a dentist office that i was walking by one day and spoke to the lady at the desk. i told her to ask her boss if i could shovel their snow or wash their windows or something in return for some dental work. they told me to leave or they would call the police. i went to the welfare department they said they couldn’t help me because i don’t have a home address. i went to the goodwill and asked if i could do some work for a jacket they said they already had enough workers and that i should try back in a couple of weeks. i’m cold now though. i’ll be colder in a couple of weeks. i not a dirty person. i try my best to stay clean and presentable. i wash my clothes every chance i get. but they don’t always get dried. i’m treated like an infection. i wear glasses and they are so scratched up that i can barely see with them. but i can’t get another pair. how do i do anything? how am i supposed to help myself when i didn’t ask to have these problems from birth? i don’t have any money how am i supposed to live. i hate the nights because its so cold. i hate the days becuase it’s cold too. i have found several places to sleep at night. it’s so cold. i want the snow to melt so badly. i’m so glad this library lets me come in here and read books during the day. its the only place that lets me find rest. they told me though i have to sit in the back so as not to scare the other people in the library. i look in the mirror and i don’t see a scary person. i don’t carry packpacks or anything that makes me look homeless. but some how they know i am. at least i get a little back corner to myself. i don’t come here looking for handouts, i really do read. if i get tired i leave and go to the alley around the corner and fall asleep so that i don’t get kicked out of the library. it’s all i have. i don’t want to lose the only place that gives me somewhere to stay for a few hours. i wished i could stay all day from the time they open to the time they close. but i only stay a few hours so i don’t make them mad. i used to stay longer but they have new people working here now, and things are changing. the new people have asked me to leave several times because they said they needed the space for other people at the library. i don’t look homeless why am i treated like i’m homeless. i always find things i need in garbage dumpsters. i’m always clean shaven. i hate the bearded look. i’ve found many razors. i keep clean. i make the rounds to various store business dumpsters because you can find new clothes and cleaning products for brushing my teeth and shaving and i even find soap. i must be pathetic. when the snow melts nobody will miss me. i won’t even miss me. i’m ready to go. i’ve lived a long stressful life. i can’t take the pressure anymore. well looks like i have to leave the library they keep coming around looking at me. i guess i have been here for almost two hours today already. i don’t want to leave it’s so cold outside. i’m a normal person i just want to live a normal life. gosh i’ve been asking that for so many years… i’m going to go for a walk to see if i can find my resting place. if i find it i’m going to go to sleep. i’ve asked for help to just get me a little comfortable but everyone turns me a way. i know this is my first time writing here, probably my last. i guess that doesn’t matter either. i wished i could have one last thing to eat. i’ve wanted to eat a hamburger for many years now.
You are not a waste. Your struggles are greater than most but that only proves how strong and resilient you are. Please don’t give up. I would miss you and I don’t even know you. I wish I did. You seem like a beautiful, creative, hard-working man who has been through so much pain and suffering. I wish I could give you an answer to solve all of your problems but the truth is, life is not fair and we all know it. All that really matters is being able to see the good in the world, no matter how small, it can always lift us up if only slightly. If you need someone to talk to, I’ll be here. I’ll check back everyday. I hope you reply, I really do.
Don’t give up.
where are you? I want to help..
I’m still here.
Hope you are okay.
I hope you’re okay.
Aww i feel sorry for u things will work out for u ?
Find your reason.
I hope you’ll come back one day and read this. You matter.
God gave you these struggles because he knew you could handle them. Your scars and pain show your bravery and the battle you fought. You are an inspiring and hard working person, don’t ever give up. It all evens out in the end. And remember, you matter!
Hope you are doing well, there is light at the end of the tunnel.
Gina, my uncle – of beloved memory – used to respond “Yep, sure is. But is it the end of the tunnel or is that an oncoming train?”
I read through here and there are so many sweet platitudes written by someone who has ABSOLUTELY NO IDEA what some of us are saying.
I’m in my 70’s and was convinced by my family that I wasn’t worth anything, I was a problem who could be passed off to anyone who would take me for a while. And, yes, my first memories were of an orphanage – I wasn’t put up for adoption, that might have given me a chance at some kind of life – she left me there for a while as she got *her* life back together – I really wish she had, either put me up for adoption or gotten her life together. As it was I got drug all over the USA as she “tried to find something” and never realized that what she was running from was herself.
The platitudes that I read here really don’t say anything helpful. “God gave you …” yeh, well if God gave me the life *I* led, he can have it back, ’cause I don’t want it.
“You matter … ” Well that’s easy for some to say, but then they don’t have any reason not to. As I said, I was convinced that I for sure didn’t matter – if I mattered, would mom have passed me off to every guy who might help me – naw, they helped themselves by sodomizing me. I matter, to whom? And if you say I matter to you then how am I supposed to take that, you can’t show me I matter, you’re just an anonymous person typing on a keyboard somewhere (just like I am, sorta but I’m not that anonymous.)
If you’ve got the cajones to do it, come read my forum, you’ll find more people who have suffered more than I can even think of … I was hurt, but in my own fashion I survived. No, on second thought, don’t visit my forum ’cause people there would tell you exactly what they think of “there’s light at the end of the tunnel.”
God that is saddest thing I ever have read . Also the librarian , taxes pay for that and you don’t have to leave . You need help and everyone just sends you away . 🙁 ( I’ve had same thing done also ) I also understand now why people are suicidal .
Thank you to Stacey and thank you to so many who’ve commented below. I have had suicidal ideations starting when I was 11. I was not specifically abused then, but neglected. My mom and stepdad abruptly yanked me out of middle school and moved to a different state with a few days notice. I lost all my family and friends. Long, long story short, I’ve had a lot of world class traumas in my life – a fatal car accident, major injuries, a coma, natural disasters, an a child who used drugs for several years. Saving my child’s life wiped me out financially. Somehow, in the middle of all of that, I built a successful business. But the world has changed and I am now in massive, endless debt. Menopause is causing me not to sleep nor think clearly. I cry a lot. In an attempt to save myself financially, this time I moved myself away from all my friends, my home, my climate, to a dreadful small town in the midwest. I hate it here. I hate my life. I am isolated, overwhelmed and I wake up every hour with hot flashes, for months now. I can’t work. I can’t sleep. I can’t think. I have not yet done it because I thought it would hurt my (grown) daughter and my mom too much, but I care about their feelings less daily. I hope I find the courage to kill myself this time. I wake up and pray for cancer, or an accident, or whatever, almost every day. I need to take matters in my own hands, I know. I hope they’ll be OK.
The only thing that stops me from ending my life is the fact that I hope things will change and I will be a happy with my kids and wife again even though that probably will never happen its the what if which is also a horrible way to live which also brings back the thoughts to commit suicide, so it stops it but also reinforces the thoughts. Everyday is a battle, has been all my life ever since my father died when I was ten and continues to this day in my mind life is really meaningless. its a beginning and an end and filler space in between to occupy time for the inevitable which is more heartache than anything else.
The only reason im alive is to fuck up the rest of my life
Thank You
Why does it matter if nobody wants you no really why does it matter if you kill yourself or your life is a shit and hit no run nothing and nobody wants you when will she use to keep suffering
This may sound bad, but I appreciate everyone’s posts. I don’t feel so alone now (right this second). Is there some kind of group for people who have thought about or attempted to kill themselves. Sort of like AA without the steps?
I’ve gone to the ER before. It kept me alive but other than that it wasn’t particularly helpful since I just sat there for 4 hours. I guess it’s what I needed at the time.
My depression has continued to gain ground despite all my efforts. Exactly it may be I’m just tired of the fight. I’m 48 and have a wonderful wife and kids but I’ve grown so tired of the struggle. I was born with severe birth defects and have had over 2 dozen surgeries. Once my health stabilized my parents lost the farm in the 80s farm crash and we became homeless. My mother remarried someone well off but I wasn’t welcome and have been on my own since the age of 12, institutionalized at 15, and living on my own since age 16. After a childhood full of abuse and teenage/young adult years lost to drinking and drugs I sobered up. After a few years my health became unstable and I went back under the knife for 2 more surgeries. My health I got better and I finished my PHD. I work at a major medical institute but have been unable to move up and no face crippling debt. It’s not as bad as the 80s but my wife and kids want things I can’t give them. I’ve been suicidal since 1991 but have held on with the help of SSRIs and hope of a better future. Now I can barely function and have resorted to rambling online in hopes the text will somehow magically solve my dilemma. It’s been over 19 years since my last drink/drug. I just want the struggle to stop. I’m trapped and despite my higher power keeping me alive during at least 6 episodes when I should have died – I seem to be alone now and not sure what to do. Children of parents who commit suicide are much more likely to take that path and I desperately want to save everyone in my family the hurt of a tragedy. I just don’t know what to do.
I’m on this site because I am seriously losing it, too. But I am trying to stay alive for my mother and my (grown) daughter. Your post really touched me for this reason: you have a PhD. To you it may seem like something from long ago, but to me, if I had a PhD in the field that interests me, I think my life would be darn well close to perfect. I imagine that a big degree like that would have solved most of my problems. Funny how our perspectives are so different. Congratulations on your sobriety, and your family. I too yearn for the struggle to stop.
Wow, you’re the only person who seems to understand what’s going on inside me. You put it into words better than I could have. You perfectly listed all the reason I don’t do it, except for pets, because I don’t have any. Actually I’m shocked
Where can I go to, to get help without having to phone anyone
“Unknown,”
It’s hard to say without knowing where you live. Here in Colorado, for example, there are walk-in crisis centers where people can get help.
Regardless of where you live, an option is to go the emergency room of a hospital near you. The staff there can assess you and link you to services.
Also, if you are in the U.S., you can text 741-741, the Crisis Text Line.
I list other resources at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I have had suicidal thoughts for a while now. I self harm daily and I use it as a coping mechanism. But, even though one of my closest friends knows about it and my boyfriend kind of does, it’s still a big problem. I begged my friend not to tell anyone and he doesn’t. I don’t tell my family, friends, or anyone really (except those two).
And well, I don’t necessarily want help? I guess? Like, I don’t want to hurt my family and I’m scared that I will get put into a mental hospital. Even though I won’t act on my suicidal thoughts, it’s not fun having them.
Abigail, the concept of “wanting to commit suicide” and knowing that you won’t act on it is called suicidal ideation. I’ll let Stacy correct my idea if she wants to.
I run a forum for depressed folks and those who have the desire to commit suicide but can’t carry through with the desire (I’m one of those ..)
The forum is VERY slow but we’ve got a great group of people who do understand the desire, several who are ‘cutters’ and more than a few who have wandered the halls of various psych hospitals and can tell you the ins and outs of them.
The fact that you were able to post as openly here as you did suggest that you may not want help but simply to understand the wherefores of the desire.
Let me invite you (and anyone else who’s reading) to come talk with us.
Once you register, I have to manually approve your registration – normally that happens within a couple of hours, sometimes it’s a day. Sorry but trying to live a life and keep spammers at bay just doesn’t seem to work right …
Abigail,
You have a lot of insight into your challenges. And it sounds like you want help but are afraid. If you want to test the waters, you could call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. If you make clear that you don’t intend to act on your suicidal thoughts soon, hospitalization is not likely (depending on other challenges you might be facing).
That is kind of what I am going through. A couple of nights ago, I cut myself. It was the first time that I had done it. I didn’t tell my parents because I knew they would be mad. So I told my best friend and asked her not to tell anybody but she was really worried. I have suicidal thoughts all the time but I fear what would happen if I actually did kill myself. One of my friends was going through a really hard time and she tried to stab herself. Luckily people stopped her but she was put into a mental hospital. My boyfriend is a senior in high school and he is trying to help me feel better but he doesn’t want to push over the limit. I guess that I should tell him what I did so that he knows. I am just scared that he will get mad at me because of what I did and I don’t want him to break up with me.
Well I just told my husband and teenage son that I was super depressed and wanted to kill myself and they just went back to sleep. So my cry for help didn’t really matter. I would kill myself but I am afraid what happened is I don’t die – if I knew I wouldn’t come back I would take the steps. I am basically just a waste of space on this planet and my husband and son would really be better off without me. There is nothing in my life that makes me want to stay. I have no value.
That’s horrible, but you have to understand where they’re coming from. They may be uneducated on the topic of suicide. I recommend teaching them about suicide and what it’s like to think these things. And they may not know how to react as well.
B,
That’s so very painful. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or text 741-741, so that you’re not so alone with your suicidal thoughts.
please show them your comment on here. They didn’t believe you they don’t know how you really feel. Try them again please xxx
I suspect they did not know how to respond. My sister is suicidal and while I love her so very very much, I have a hard time discussing suicide with her because I do not want to believe she may actually take her life. That is a scary possibility to live in…. The possibility that a loved one could take their life at any moment. I struggle with some denial of it, I will admit. And men especially probably will not know what to say- emotions can be hard for men. Honestly, when our brains have gotten to the point of being suicidal we often have what I call “upside down thinking”… We gain a rather incredible ability to see something as opposite as possible in a dark way. You perceive that they do not value you- but it might be the opposite. They may value you so much that they want to deny the idea that they could lose you. Most people are willing to save the life of another person- even if it is a complete stranger. So if they truly are willing to let you die, I would say that they are pretty dark people… And if that is the case, then your value should not be determined by them. You deserve and should find other people to validate your worth- and that is still a possibility. So do not give up
Bro…..you are not weak by seeking help. People are ignorant, and are uneducated, when it comes to pain. Real pain. People only like to help when its convenient. I myself have been lacking in the prayer department but when I lean on friends, prayer, God, counseling, therapy and medication I start to feel better. I lost my job almost a year ago and I’ve had a hell of a time moving forward. But i can tell u that if I didn’t go to the doctor and medication I guarantee I wouldn’t be here right now. I would have killed or hurt myself in a very serious way and left my wife and kids behind. Your not alone. There is the suicide prevention line. Gryphon place is another help line. And there re several counseling avenues like dessert streams and pine rest. These are available in my area but there will be in yours a well. Reach out to anyone, church, friends, family, even something like this. Maybe you could start a blog to help others?
I tried three times, with pills, to kill myself. Most recently 2.5 years ago. Lost most friends because of it.
I have spent so much time and energy since then trying to rebuild my life. New job, find love, expand my friend circle. Friends leave or don’t care. Just got ghosted and find he lied to me and is already seeing someone else. I really thought I found someone special. Job ick.
Why? Why keep trying? My pets are gone, I am alone and work/home/sit alone every weekend. I have no energy to put myself out there again for more hurt.
My fears are failing, again, and of going to hell.
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I can relate.
I can relate, too. It’s such a heavy burden to be alive, to pay the bills, to incur financial, emotional and social debts. Part of me wants everyone to leave me alone. Part of me wants someone to see what I’m going through. Most of me just wants it to end.
I don’t want to do this anymore. I don’t want to be stuck in this awful life anymore and I fear what will happen to both my family and I if I were to end it all, but I just don’t know what to do anymore. I tell my family that I’m depressed and I hate living and I can’t stand this life I live in and the only response they have for me is to ignore me like I’m not here. There’s so much worry and stress in my life that I simply don’t have any more answers… I was told by my parents for my entire childhood that therapy is for the weak and I need to learn to deal with things on my own without a therapist or medication and it’s now stuck in my head that that’s the way things need to be, even thinking about seeing someone for this kind of thing brings out this deep disgust in me and I don’t know what to do anymore. Someone please give me an answer
I am in the same boat. I hate this life we live in. It seems like I’ve died already and I’m living in hell. Everyday is a struggle.
Txt me if you wanna talk 832-236-5306
i have 1 thing to say your mom didnt bring you to this world so you kill your self
your dad didnt work hard so you can eat everyday and live in warm house so you kill yourself thy live for you think what thy will feel thy live in struggle you are not alone bro just be strong and eat and do something for you life if you dont want to do for yourself do it for your dad or your mom or your sister or brother
I disagree with 101’s comment.
“the only response they have for me is to ignore me like I’m not here….I was told by my parents for my entire childhood that therapy is for the weak and I need to learn to deal with things on my own without a therapist or medication and it’s now stuck in my head that that’s the way things need to be, even thinking about seeing someone for this kind of thing brings out this deep disgust in me and I don’t know what to do anymore…”
Everything you mention here sounds relevant. It is sad we cannot get the support we need from those we look to for help in everyone’s case their parents or who ever cares for you as a “kid” or even “adult child”.
“Someone please give me an answer” — no one can really do that for you. Just voice their opinions and mine is from experience. Therapy is good. Not sure about the medication and honestly I am avoiding meds due to the cost. Therapy stopped my nightmares from abuse as a child. It helped me stop hearing my mother scream at me and feeling like she was right in front of me beating me. I could feel the lashes in broad daylight. I could not function to work. I had already begun to live my life away from her but all the abuse came back.
All her words of “you’re worthless like your dad. I hate you. You’re ungrateful. Why can’t you be like so -and- so. You’re such a difficult child. Give me your money. I signed you up for a credit card. I maxed it out. Give me your bank card. I control you. You can’t leave. You’re just a child (at 20). You think you know, but you’re not able to do anything without me. You NEED me. You can’t leave. Think about what others will say? What will they think? Someone without their mother. Someone who abandoned their mother? You’re a bad person. You know that? I only stole from you because I need to go out and party. You have food at home. Instant noodles. You don’t need that gift, give it to me. You don’t need that gift, give it to me to re-wrap for someone else’s kid. I don’t care about you.”
20+ years of abuse. The sadness. The endless feeling that everyday I was not worth being alive. I don’t matter. To some degree, I got only a little better but it’s much better than the life before. That entire text box of my mom’s abuse echoes in my mind still, but this time I have a voice too. I matter a little bit to my friends. My cousin who is like my brother and father love me very unconditionally. Even when I think I don’t matter now, I have like a pebble size of “no I’m just having an off day. I just need some sleep. I’ll be ok tomorrow” hope.
I truly hope when you get older and as unfair as it is, that you escape their talons (your family) and build your own life. Heal when you are away from their “noise” and lies. Life can be happier. Everyday is still a 50/50 chance I’ll be in a depressed mind set. When I lived with my mom everyday was a living hell. I didn’t care about anything especially myself.
She said I couldn’t do anything to better myself. But I went to college with my dad’s help. I rent a room in a house with decent landlords and roommates. I have a job that pays all my bills and I go to class at night. I still get some financial help from my dad including the therapy bill. I am so lucky he’s on my side.
Let me tell you though, that it took going to college and finding a “professor aunt” to teach me how even the best people like her suffer from depression. She was not abused as a kid or adult. It’s a hard thing to endure, but knowing someone I looked up to. A role model I had been needing that wasn’t my mom –goes to therapy and takes medication and is so awesome–made it easier and OK for me to seek help for myself.
I end by saying, look up the meme with a horse tied to a plastic chair. It thinks it’s chained, but in reality it can break free. It’s just conditioned not to. Not to even try.
Bro…..you are not weak by seeking help. People are ignorant, and are uneducated, when it comes to pain. Real pain. People only like to help when its convenient. I myself have been lacking in the prayer department but when I lean on friends, prayer, God, counseling, therapy and medication I start to feel better. I lost my job almost a year ago and I’ve had a hell of a time moving forward. But i can tell u that if I didn’t go to the doctor and medication I guarantee I wouldn’t be here right now. I would have killed or hurt myself in a very serious way and left my wife and kids behind. Your not alone. There is the suicide prevention line. Gryphon place is another help line. And there re several counseling avenues like dessert streams and pine rest. These are available in my area but there will be in yours a well. Reach out to anyone, church, friends, family, even something like this. Maybe you could start a blog to help others?
me and mother don’t have a connection she gave birth to me at a young age she hates my dad more then anything. I try with her but it’s like she’s not my mom it feels like I’ve been trying to connect with a stranger or a popular girl that goes to my school. I hate myself for not being able to be someone she could be proud of and love to call her daughter it hurts a lot but everyone has an issue everyone feels like a burden but u gotta be stronger then that. My mother has three other kids and I can tell by the way she treats them and hugs them and supports them that she really loves them but I can’t let it get to me. I think about committing suicide every day and I still do but I know in my heart there’s other things out there that can make me feel better suicide is not the way to go once u do it it’s over. This is a big fucked up world find one thing that brings you happiness and stick to it. I haven’t found my thing yet but I’m holding on to my hope.
Chan I love my wife which is why I worry about her. I have no idea where you got she’s a burden. Why would I be so stupid as to have children? I think that is the most selfish, and narcissistic act anyone can do. If my parents would’ve been smart then I would’ve never been born.
As I said in my original comment it “sounded” like burden based off your wordage. “I got married 4 years ago, and that only made things worse, because now I have to worry about the well being of my wife.”
As for the kid thing. I didn’t know your stance. Plenty commenters are married and say it’s additionally harder with kids because more worry about keeping themselves alive for another set of humans that rely on them.
This is only based off what I read. I hope things get better for you.
I’m a 42 year old male, and I’ve been wanting to kill myself since I was in Junior High School, but have always been too scared to do so. It’s been for various reasons throughout the years, but I’m just tired of grinding everyday doing different things ending up with the same result. I worked a job that I hated for 17 years, and finally went to college 10 years ago. I graduated Valedictorian and have a job in my field of study that I currently hate. I was overweight most of my life, and got into shape about 7 years ago, but that didn’t help. I got married 4 years ago, and that only made things worse, because now I have to worry about the well being of my wife. I’m currently working a part time job along with my full time job just to barely pay the mortgage. I’m driving a 26 year old truck with no heat, because I can’t afford anything else. If it wasn’t for the fact that I may go to Hell then I would’ve killed myself a long time ago. The older I get the less I believe in God, because I’ve been praying to die for the last 27 years. There’s plenty of people that want to live that die everyday, yet I’m still here suffering wanting to die. Why would God be so cruel to kill people that want to live, and keep me here to be miserable?
If your wife is a burden on you, why not divorce her? (at least that’s the way you make it sound) Can’t imagine what you and your family will go through if you have kids.
My wife isn’t a burden at all. I don’t know where you got that from. I worry about people that I love is what I was saying. Trust me we are not having children as I think that is the most selfish and stupid thing anyone could do. If my parents would’ve been that smart then I wouldn’t have to contemplate suicide in the first place.
When I think of suicide I get a feeling that is Calm happy peaceful. It’s not a horrible thing it’s a place I meant to go. I have a constant buzzing in my head that pushes out and makes me so unhappy. When I think about just ending it this life on Earth not my spiritual life my head goes quiet, I feel little bit sleepy and I am at peace. The only thing that stops me is that I do not know how God could possibly forgive me. They say God will not give you anything more than you can handle. I don’t think that’s true although I’m supposed to because the definition of faith is that I should believe it. But I also know that as much as God knows me he knows when I am so tired. I just wanna come home
The only thing that stops me, Is that it is an unforgivable sin. I’m not afraid of pain, And I’m not afraid at all of not doing it right. I’m not afraid of hurting anyone. I’ve even thought to myself That maybe I could find Some millisecond between alive and dead To say sorry. But that’s just A technicality isn’t it. I read that no one commits a mortal sin without knowing it. If God forgave Suicide knowing that you Just couldn’t go on anymore. That you had to sleep. That you were just so so tired, I would have been gone long ago. No pain no fear just sleep. If I could find someone a priest, Anyone of any denomination who could tell me I would not be condemned, I would leave there, Write some letters with instructions, lay down and leave. Even saying that brings such peace to me.
I am a mother. My child keeps me from committing suicide, but the thoughts don’t stop. I see my life as a big tedious loop. Every day, month, year seems so repetitive. Same sh*t different day. This makes me feel so incredibly guilty. I feel like my child and husband deserve better than me. I’m a SAHM so feel like a big waste of space just sucking up what my husband makes for us without giving anything back. I am on medication, I go to therapy yet I still have moments and sometimes days where suicidal thoughts take over. I have not tried anything yet, I’m afraid once my child grows up and no longer needs me that I will really have more balls to kill myself. I am also afraid of death, so honestly it feels like I am here to suffer through this miserable life. I hate myself for thinking like this. I feel like a burden, my family would be much better without me. I’m sure enough time could pass that they will get over it. I am tired of living, I pray to God to just put me out of my misery. I’m just sitting here waiting to die. I’m over life, I don’t see the point really. I should have NEVER been born, I would trade my life with someone who’s dying. I know they’d probably appreciate life more than me.
Oh honey. Geez, so I posted a similar message last week. Then, ok, this might sound ridiculous, but I listened to a YouTube video from a medium who claims she has the ability to hear spirits of people that have died and crossed over to the other side. Now, everyone has different beliefs about life after death, or lack thereof, and I don’t necessarily believe she has the gift of connecting with people that have passed away. BUT. Something about her message really struck a nerve within me. And what she said was, that people that commit suicide, when they cross over, face the same obstacles as we do here on earth. Meaning, feelings of regret, feeling lost, and it’s the same amount of work to reach peace in the other realm. We don’t know.
I feel your pain. My dad took his life. I’ve always wondered if he’s alright. It’s haunted me.
Soooooo, something has shifted in me, that giving up won’t necessarily ease the pain. I urge you to go talk to a different doctor. If you aren’t feeling relief from meds your on, try something different. I know sometimes it takes all my energy just to take a dang shower. Then, once I do, I feel so much better, revives for a while….baby steps. Your family loves, needs you, and would be devasted without you. The fact that you are reaching out shows you don’t totally want to die. This world is not easy. But, you, beautiful spirit, have the ability to make decisions. Sometimes just sit and breathe. Deep breaths. It’s calming. My thoughts are with you. You are not alone. This a chapter, and it will shift, but you have to embrace it, and muster strength. Much love to you. ❤️❤️❤️❤️
Thank you both for your replies. It helps me to know I’m not alone in feeling like this. For now I will keep trying. I am afraid someday I will be pushed to the edge though, it terrifies me.
I’ve been suicidal off and on, but mostly on, since high school. I’m in my 30s and have a teenaged child. My biggest regret are the times I was staying in bed depressed when my child was younger and wanted/needed me to spend quality time, I’ve gotten much better but now she usually wants to be alone bc she’s a teen. This makes me realize I have nothing to live for except her. I kept it together as well as I did, for my child. I wish I would’ve/could’ve put in more effort when she was younger. I think I’ll eventually do it but for now I’m trying my hardest to raise my child to be happy and healthy so I can leave her knowing she’ll be ok. It’s very difficult to have children and be depressed/suicidal, but try for their sake to give your best effort to raising them. I haven’t done a perfect job. How we raise our kids effects how they’ll live their lives and effects every person they’ll ever meet. That’s all that is keeping me here. Be your best you so your child can, too. I hope you’re able to find genuine peace in this life.
Lola, thank you for your honesty. I can relate. When my son was 18 months old, I had been a stay-at-home mom for 20 months. I was 22 years old, I HATED being home with a baby all day. I was 100% focused on my career until my then-religion forced me to marry when I was 19. One day, my husband came home from work and I told him, “If you don’t let me work, even just from home, you’re going to come home and find me and the baby dead.”
I started my first home-based business that next week.
It gave me a voice in the world. It gave me a little hope and freedom.
The rest of my story isn’t really relevant. I felt like that snippet might give you an idea.
Best wishes.
Thank you for replying Louisa. Reading these replies and seeing all the other comments and stories make me feel less alone in this. I am grateful for every bit of advice and support I can get, even if it’s from strangers online. Much love.
I think about killing myself every day. My partner, we weren’t married, so I call him that, died unexpectedly on our couch about a year and half ago. He died of a heart attack. The last thing I said to him was “ “Can you just leave me alone??”….I was taking a shower and I did not hear his response….he said something but I’m glad I didn’t hear it…,he walked away and an hour later I found him deceased on our couch. I tried to revive him, but I failed! He was verbally, emotionally and physically abusive to me. Not all the time, but things were not good. We lived in a beautiful house that I still reside in. Since this, I’ve lost friends, my job, God, pretty much everything. I failed to revive him. I carry this guilt with me like an albatross. It’s killing me. It’s all my fault, I’ve chosen a life of isolation. ?
I thought I was over this, but lately I’ve sunk into intense depression. All this time has passed, and now he’s visiting me in dreams, I think he knows where I’m at mentally. I’ve completely isolated myself from my family, friends…everyone except my two beautiful fur babies…two Siamese cats that are rescues, and I just cannot leave them. I adopted them with the promise in my heart that I would never do that. And they literally don’t leave me alone, they follow me everywhere I go. They’ve kept me going. I don’t know what to do. I have very little physical energy, I have no appetite and I can barely leave the house. I pretty much only leave to get supplies for my kitties. This last Monday I lost my balance walking down my stairs and injured myself pretty good….I’m weak, I couldn’t even catch myself. Ugh!!
I used to be beautiful. Now I feel like I’m a waste of space in this world. I need to get a job, or I’m going to lose my house, my car that I love, and there’s no hope for me to find a future partner in this world. I’m in my mid-forties, I look younger but I know nobody wants a washed up depressed woman. I used to think I had so much to offer. Not anymore. I just live in a world of shame, guilt, physical unhealth and sadness. ???
What sad depressing post! Sorry. I just don’t know what to do anymore.
Rian,
Your words are so painful to read. I hope you will consider getting help. A therapist can help you deal with the feelings of guilt and hopelessness, as well as the condemning things your mind is telling you.
In the meantime, if you’d like to receive free help from someone through a hotline, text line, email, or online chat, please check out the resources I list at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Ok thank you. ? I really appreciate the response.
I can relate to most of what you said,it’s sad so many people feel the same way. This life is not fair.
My name is Dawson Jones. I’m 21 years old and i go to bed and wake up everyday wanting to kill myself. I do fear that if I kill myself that I will go to hell. I know for fact I would it says so in the bible. I just need another answer for a reason to stay alive.
Dawson, what’s going that’s creating this feeling for you? I think sometimes just writing and getting feelings out can be a release even if a small one. I’m listening…and I don’t have the answers about what happens after a person takes their life, but the fear of the unknown has deterred me thus far…my dad took his life. I’ve always felt an uneasiness about where his spirit is.
So, again, I’m listening, I’m sure other people have read your post as well … maybe share and it does help to get it out… whatever it is … maybe we can help each other. ???
I can’t say what stops me. But. I still think about it. A lot. My family doesn’t want me. Ive been disowned. So why should I stay here
Well, that depends on your personality, but quite frankly I’d stay alive out of spite at that point. Start up a rival, competing family. Drive your old family out of business. Corner the market on familial attachment, increase your affection spending power, and then boom you’ve got yourself a New Deal and you’re out of the Great Depression. Best results if you’re American.
Thinking of my family, I know it would kind of kill them too.
(Maybe even literal, I don`t know..my parents have some heart issues..)
But now I`m 35, siblings over 30 as well.
Is it really my responsibility to continue this miserable life forever, for the sake of keeping them “Happy”?
Been suicidal since I was about 8-9.
I feel it’s enough now..
I’m 15 years old and i want to kill my self. I’ve wanted to run away but I think killing myself is a way better option. My problems are at home. My parents found out I’m bisexual in the worst way possible and they don’t accept me and I don’t think they love me. I’ve been struggling with suicide since I was 14 and having homophobic parents is the worst thing and queer kid can have. My advice to u i think u have something important to offer the world I think we all do cuz that’s why we are born. I don’t know what it is but I’m sure u will figure it out within time. I have lost all hope after I came out to my parents two weeks ago. I will find a way to hang on because I think there is a purpose or something I have to fulfill on Earth, my advice is stay. Find a reason to keep living. My only reason right now is to not leave my aunts or friends and because I only have like two years before I can leave this Hell. Hope u feel better. Lost of love.
Thank you so much for caring.
I needed that reminder right now – we all have something to offer. I just have to be sure on what my “thing” is, and work on that. I feel like a big unsolvable puzzle..
I really feel your pain too. I am actually also bisexual, without that being a very big issue for me. My family accepts me for that, but not all other people have or do. And that`s tough. I can imagine how it feels like when your parents wont accept it. (But I`m sure they still love you!) My parents have difficulties understanding me in general, and to accept “all my crazy ideas” (which is not crazy, just not the typical A4 lifestyle they have). It`s not completely the same, but the feeling of not being accepted for who you are is, I guess.
You are still super young, and every single thing in life can, and surely will, change when you can start living your own life on your own terms. Have your own place. Everything!
You know it`s said that we don`t choose our families. But I really believe we do – we choose them before we get here; to challenge ourselves. To build ourselves stronger.
No challenge, no change.
Hang in there, and build yourself up, day by day. There is absolutely nothing wrong with you! You will find your soul family.
I wish you all good in life, and lots of love to you as well.
ive dealt with depression for a while, and the funny thing is im only 12. yes, im really young to start with depression. no one knows about my depression. my cousin used to cut herself when i was younger & i wanted to do the same. not because i was depressed because i thought it was cool. but i didnt want to because i thought it would hurt. after years my depression has grown. problems with relationships, and just problems with myself. im very insecure about my body, im think im fat & ugly. i cry 24/7 & i sleep alot. i cant help that i have depression. and i have started cutting. they’re faint though, they’ll go away. until i do cuts on top of cuts. then they’ll start getting deep. im not eating right. trying to starve myself. im losing everyone i love. i want to die, i really do. i feel like god put me on this earth to just have depresion and never get over it. i went to the doctor, and i lied bout everything. i lied about my eating, my depression, and me even trying to hurt myself. i think about suicide alot but then i realize we only get one life. i think about everything im gonna lose when im not here anymore. the only reason why i haven’t committed suicide is that i think to my self it gonna get better, i have alot to live for. but then i think i think again and i dont.
I am a chronic sufferer. Thank you for your page and insightful words. I am thankful for you tonight as I was hurting bad. I don’t know how I would do it but my Golden Retriever, Fred is my reason to keep up the fight for now. Thank you! ♥️?
Karen,
I’m sorry about the pain you are experiencing. It sounds like you’ve suffered a long time. Dogs — and cats! — are magical creatures. It’s wonderful that Fred is helping you to stay alive.
Thank you for letting me know that this site helped you. I’m grateful.
Also, if you haven’t already, please check out the resources that I list at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp, in case you want to talk with someone by phone, text, email, or online chat.
I want to end my life and I am not depressed.
Life itself is depressing.
What holds me back?… i say it is fear. Fear of not succeeding and having to face my loved ones. And to see and feel their pain. They are so attached to life. We just don’t see life from the same stand point.
Thank you i have had suicidal thoughts 4 many years!! Which is very upsetting 4 me 2 admit!! I have confided in a couple of friends recently when i had a complete melt down. Very embarrassing 4 me!! Spk 2 my doctor have 2 spk 2 a psychiatrist!! I think i would kill myself if i new it would work!! I dont want my family 2 find me dead!!
I have nothing in my life I’m a complete failure no job no drivers license what 31 year old don’t have these things? I’m fucking sick I have MS bipolar anxiety and depression. I’m truly fucked up. I don’t want to live anymore. God either cares nothing for me or hates me.
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You should know that there is so many people who want to help you. You are not alone. God loves you so much whether you think so or not. Please don’t give up because things will get better. There are so many reasons to live. I wish everyone suffering with depression well. DO NOT GIVE UP!!!!!
I’ve always had that thought in mind, that suicide might bring me happiness. I’ve been thinking about it since I was 10 and I’m 21 now. My main reason is my mom, she has done so much unforgivable stuff and said so much to me and I’ll never forget, what do you think that type of shit do to your soul? It’s haunting, if people knew they would think it was fucked up.
I guess my main reason against suicide is because of my 3 younger brothers, they’re not even teenagers yet and I don’t want to put them through pain. I would rather have me suffering by being here than end it and have them suffer. I know the pain and I don’t want them to feel it. Even though I still strongly feel like I should just end it because it just hurts so much, I can’t. I wonder if they weren’t here if I would even hit the age of 21.
When I was in my early twenties and feeling like I wanted to die a lot, I decided I had to wait until tomorrow to do it, because obviously if I felt that way I wasn’t thinking clearly enough. Self-double-bind.
In my thirties and forties, I’ve come to see the “I wanna die” thoughts as red flags — there is something hurting me much too much, and I can see no way out: so I figure I just have to get creative, think differently, figure out a change I can make to get away from what is hurting me.
I express that as, “When I’ve painted myself into a corner, I can always just walk out over the paint: who cares about the stupid foot prints anyways?”
pretty much video games and my best friends, but they pretty much find other ppl to hang out with and our schedules are horrible so we have less and less time to meet eachother. I do not know when it’ll stop
I was thinking of suicide, but then I found out about Toto Forever.
Not today.
OK, I see why you would ask that question.
But what if the answer is, I really can’t think of a reason? What if the people they love are the ones making you suicidal? What if it is continues because the people you love just want to stay as they are? What if every aspect of their life is shit? Is there any other way to stop the depression?
Ed,
What has kept you alive until now?
And if you’re asking about someone else, it’s worth asking them the question.
Knowing what keeps you or another person going can help.
In addition, I recommend that a person who can’t identify reasons for living get professional help if they haven’t already. Treatments are available that can help improve mood, decrease hopelessness, and create hope.
Please get help, talk to a counselor, they could all speak with you to your family and help them to understand how they make you feel, and don’t give up, why should you lose your one chance of life, and your chance to do so many good things. And remember death is eternal, and who’s to say it’s eternal bliss, so make yourself strong and don’t stay with those who don’t belong
I’m glad i found this article tonight. Depression is something I’ve dealt with for a while, but going through a list of what’s actually keeping me here has always been something that helps me out of low points in life. It makes me happy to see that even though this was written in 2017, you’re still responding to comments on it. Even if the most you’re doing is referring people to help lines or encouraging people to seek out help from others, sometimes that’s all someone needs.
Anon,
It’s so good to hear the article was helpful to you. Thanks very much for letting me know.
I’m sorry you’re struggling with depression. If you like lists of what’s keeping you here, you might also like my article on this site, “What Are Your Reasons for Living?” at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/2013/06/03/reason/.
Unfortunately, I can’t think of a reason to stay alive. It is simply too painful to bear.
Anonymous,
Such intense pain, whether emotional or physical, is dreadful. Are you getting professional help? There may be ways to relieve your pain that you have not considered.
You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or use one of the other resources I list at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Although telephone helplines etc no doubt help some of us with mental issues etc, they do not work for all of us. I (too) can not bring myself to call someone who I don’t know and who I can’t see in person.
I have enough problems trying to open up to people that are there with me, in the same space with me – talking to them on the phone is also awkward and difficult enough.
But complete strangers who I know nothing about… not for me, especially if (and when) they have a bad day.
Because you only get one life, we are not alive forever, eternally we are dead, and eternal death may not be peaceful and harmonic, so live and make the most of your life in every way
I can, think of a reason for you to stay alive, death is eternal, once dead, there’s no coming back, no matter what, eternal death, and whose to say eternity is eternal bliss, so live and enjoy each day, and fight
Tracy, I think you’re missing the obvious.
For some of us, the idea of not waking up would be bliss. Not waking up to the physical pain for which our governments don’t provide medicine that will alleviate that pain would be ecstasy! Not waking up to another day with the person who has sexually or emotionally abused us for years and is our sole provider would be ‘heaven.’
“Death is eternal” I’m sorry, but that’s almost laughable. Neither you nor I (nor anyone else, for that matter) knows what happens when we die (please don’t flood me with religious arguments!)
You’ve virtually flooded the last several messages with your comment that death is eternal – yeh, wouldn’t that really be grand!
My life is a joke…I’ve gone through a lot of emotional depression and everyday it keeps getting worse…and it’s sad when I keep waking up after telling God to take my life…it’s like I’m a joke for God….it’s like I’m just alive for his amusement….I’m tired of it and the only reason I’m not alive is because I don’t want to go to hell…
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Anon,
Your emotional state sounds very painful. Are you getting help? I hope you will do so, if not. And if you are getting help already, I hope you’re sharing fully the extent of your pain, despair, and suicidal thoughts.
You can always get help, 24/7, from a hotline, text line, or other resource. I list many at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
You only get one life, death is forever, eternally, where there’s life there’s hope, your not a joke, your a person with feelings, who’s to say that eternity is peaceful and harmonic, make the most of your life in every way
I’m a married middle-aged woman. I’ve had success but also illness and failure. My only support person is my husband and he is currently contemplating divorce.
Right now I can’t see much to live for. My existance seems to annoy or upset, more than it does good.
What stops me? Committing the “Unforgivable Sin” and going to Hell.
Negative effects on my adult kids – even though they don’t talk to me.
My pets. It’s illogical to say (cos I would be dead) – but I would “miss” them.
Yep – distorted thinking right there. But knowing what it is, but being able to get around it can be very different things.
Katie,
I’m sorry about all you’re going through, and grateful you have identified reasons to stay alive. Are you getting help? A therapist or psychiatrist can help you get through this.
You can also avail yourself of any of the free places to talk by hotline, text line, and more, at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I’ve been to therapy, with different therapists but no one helped. I hate myself so much for feeling this way. I can’t talk to someone about how I’m truly feeling because they have their own serious problems and things to stress over.
Feeling like this is so tiring.
I have never attempted to kill myself or hurt myself.
I can’t bear this pain, this self-loathing, self-hatred, not being able to breathe well, feeling like I’m about to throw up, not being able to handle anything in my life. I just can’t do this anymore, I can’t keep living.
I just wish there was no one who loved me, but I know that if something happens to me family and my friends would be devastated. I can’t ruin their lives.
With all that being said, I don’t know if I can keep living in order to not hurt others. It’s just too much, it’s more than I can handle
“No one,”
What you describe sounds so very painful — and, too, treatable. The self-hate you describe almost always results from extreme stress, trauma, or mental illness such as depression. All are treatable.
I’m sorry you haven’t found a therapist who has helped you. I hope you will keep trying. Successful therapy is often as much about fit as it is about technique. In a way it’s like dating; it can take many attempts to find a good match.
In particular, I wonder if you’ve tried cognitive behavior therapy. It is an evidence-based treatment and can be especially effective in helping people to cope with negative self-talk. So can acceptance and commitment therapy, compassion-focused therapy, and others.
Medication is also something to consider and speak with a doctor about. It might be of help if your self-hating feelings arise from depression or another mental illness.
You might also want to try talking with someone at a hotline, text line, or other places I list on http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I hope you get some (healthy) relief soon from your pain and isolation. Thanks for sharing here!
What has been a helpful deterrent for me has been investing in life insurance. The cost of funerals has constantly rose over the years and the thought of putting the few people I care about in debt over my selfish death & knowing my policy won’t pay out in the result of suicide.
My hope is that my eventual death will provide for them in ways I couldn’t do in life. I still long for death constantly yes but for now I am unwilling to jeopardize my policy which has helped buy me the time I need to find proper help.
I have survived several attempts. Luckily there was no long term damage yet before reading this site I never considered the possibility that my failed attempts could lead me to be brain damaged or crippled in some way to make me an even bigger burden so now that possibility is a fear I have everytime I consider my next attempt.
I have no answers but I hope considering my temporary solutions will buy you the time you need to find your own answers.
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Thank you for posting this. I did the same thing, but my policy allows suicide after I passed the first year or something. I think about that money daily, how it would get me out of the constant financial struggle I am feeling and how it would cover it all and leave a bit left over. The irony is that the only two people who would benefit are both well-off. Neither of them knows that right now, I am struggling to buy groceries! After having a net worth over $1 million in 2004! People say, “Oh, you can get it back!” but they have no idea how hard I worked to achieve that then. I have failed so abyssmally, on every level. But the policy does give me comfort now.
Some people are trying to stop themselves from suicide like me and you’re saying what is stopping you. What if they’re reading that and they’re just like there is nothing stopping me and then do it.
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Kole,
I’m sorry to hear you’re thinking of killing yourself, and glad you are trying to stop yourself. The intent of asking someone what’s stopping them from acting on their suicidal thoughts is to help them recognize that something (or things) has stopped them, whether they have realized it or not. It’s useful to identify what it is that has stopped them so far. If they can’t identify it, then they truly need to get help as soon as possible, because their thinking is clouded.
I have added a couple paragraphs to the post to address this. Thanks for your feedback!
I thank you for this website. My mother physically abused me when I was young for so long. And I don’t know how to forget that part. I tried to believe and prayed to God for forgiveness, but it seems like there is no answer for 53 years. When there is no love it’s hard to live life, love is everything in life. 15 years being alone doesn’t help. I have no families in USA, or true friends( they like your money). Living in foreign country is hard when you are alone. Many times I have suicide thoughts. I actually cut my wrist when I was 22, unfortunately someone found me and I didn’t cut right. So I have a fear now what if I dont do it right this time and end up not dead. That would be my nightmare. I also don’t have courage to kill myself, so I am weak. Or I have too much attachment. This time I want perfect, there is no mistake. I guess I still don’t want to die because I am writing this.
Precious soul, then to God, he loves you, you’ve got to know your worth, you are worth living, let today be your part so you can bring forth your future. God is Love and Love is God
I have tried to commit suicide on several occasions. I failed.
I went to war- got hit twice.. I had two car wrecks, should have died.
I am disabled and in tremendous pain all of the time.
The VA hospital won’t help me.
Please let me die! I have no family or friends, only my dog.
Please let me die!
I want euthanasia to be legalized.
I live alone and can’t hardly get to the store. I can’t sleep anymore!
I have trouble eating because I have no teeth
Goddamn it- I want to die.
Once and for all.getit over with.
Please help me die!!!!!
Edwin,
I’m very sorry about all the pain you’re in. Your despair is quite evident in your words here.
There are different places you can turn to for help with suicidal thoughts. I wonder if you’ve tried them all. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has a special service for veterans; call 800-273-8255 and press 1.
The Lifeline also has a page with resources for veterans, at https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/help-yourself/veterans/.
The Crisis Text Line at 741-741 is available 24/7, too.
I list other resources at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
As a fellow vet (VietNam era) you have my sympathy. I suppose that it’s natural that we see our fellow vets ‘ disappear’ year after year – but there are just too many of us who have given up and taken the convenient way out.
I don’t know of a solution, the Legion and VFW are great for asking for help – send them $25 (or more or less)because of all the good they do. Personally, I don’t see that either of them do a lot of good. And the VA!! I’m in another of my squabbles with them trying to get travel pay because I live 300 miles from the nearest VA facility – on my SocSec I “make too much.”
Edwin, you sincerely do have my sympathy – now with that and a buck two eighty five you can get a cuppa coffee, right?? Sorry, mate.
Wanna join me, I have a forum called “ChronicSuicideSupport” it’s slow but if you log in over there, I’ll at least chat up a fellow vet.
Al,
Thanks so much for chiming in. I appreciate your offering support and camaraderie to Edwin.
Edwin, the site Al mentioned is at https://www.chronicsuicidesupport.com/. You can go to the forum directly at https://chronicsuicidesupport.com/forum/. Maybe it could help you to connect with others who will listen and understand.
I’ve lived a decent life, and I know that I shouldn’t be feeling this way, but with my dad as a drunk shouting degrading stuff at me and my older sister and having to help not only my sister, who has anxiety and depression, and my mom who can barely walk without her walker, and even a few friends who went though this as well, it’s hard. I feel like my dad was right. I’m 20 and I feel as if I have nothing going for me. I feel like I’m just a disgusting person and i don’t know why. I hate this feeling but I can’t shake it, no matter how much I talk and laugh with friends either online or in person. I feel like nothing good will happen in my life. And I feel as if I can’t trust anyone to talk to as I feel like they’ll just laugh at me. ‘One of the “most loveable people” they’ve meet saying they want to die, they must just want attention’ I just want these thoughts to stop and I want to laugh with my friends without thinking that these people hate me so much.
Number 18 maybe my worst number in my life. Tomorrow is my 18th bday, but i want to commit. I feel useless but im afraid to live in this world. Im afraid i will leave my only sister. And I want to explore more new things but I cant take the pain anymore. I just want to get rid of it.
I feel the exact way sometimes, but what stops me is.. seeing all of those things where they say it’ll get better.. I’ve never seen it get better, it simply gets worse but without a rainbow there must be rain.
L.J.W.,
I’m sorry to hear that you feel so bad sometimes. It looks like inspirational statements are helpful to you. You might like the post, “Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts.”
Please also check out the resources where you can get help for free by phone, text, email, or online chat, listed at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
You only get one life, don’t let no-one or nothing take it away, death is forever and who’s to say it’s eternal bliss, so live and make yourself strong, don’t listen to those who don’t belong
Anonymous,
I sure hope that you’re still here and that you will tell somebody how much you are hurting. You can tell a family member, doctor, friend’s parents, etc. And you can text the Crisis Text Lin at 741-741, or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, or use one of the other resources listed at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
What’s the rush? You will definitely die someday. There is a 100% chance that one day in the future, all the pain, misery, and meanness of this world will be behind you. All you have to do is wait. So what’s the rush?
Some people can’t wait that long..
I have attempted suicide several times but I haven’t got it right yet…i still contemplate suicide…I am tired… the pain never goes away…someone told me today that they hope I die, a slow painful death… I have been thinking about obliging them all day making their wish come true…I am nobody…62 years old & haven’t ever been happy
Im alive because my friends and family will suffer so much after. My misery will go to them.
Also beause theres so few methods possible, most hurt but jumping from a roof is too public and kids will see it.
Tho these reasons are fading away, the idea of suffering to prevent others from suffering is eh? And therapy is overpriced here.
I’ve wanted to commit suicide since I was 11 but I don’t want to hurt my family and go to hell. I just feel so alone like no one cares for me.
I know exactly how you feel. I don’t have much family and I stay by myself 90% of the time. I really didn’t have friends in school at all( since kindergarten). It’s crazy seeing how many people struggle with the same thing as me . I’m in a bad place myself but I’m trying to have a better lookout on life. I got a job and trying to get my life together
We do have a same problem. It sucks coz tomorrow is my bday, 18th bday to be exact, but i want to commit it.
The one thing that kept me from killing myself since the age of 11 is the fact I thought I had parents who would miss me when I was gone. But I was wrong, I was so wrong.
My parents tried to have me trafficked so they could profit off of me. They actually didn’t care, it was the worst pain I’ve ever felt when I found out. Thankfully I am an apprentice to a local jeweler and they have been teaching me the trade since I’m doing so poor in academics. And they had such an overwhelming amount of people coming in acting as if I was a hooker that with some digging it wasn’t long before people were trying to squeeze the shop and my parent had thrown me out of the house with a septic tooth they refused to pay to have pulled despite having Medicare.
So they took me in, it was strange I never had people actually listen to me before. It was nice while the normality lasted, but thing soon became strange. I was taken into the back room one day and said he was going to perform a protection ritual. For the record, I had just had my parent drop by and tear me apart in the middle of 10 customers so I went into the backroom to cry. The couple that owned the shop were spiritualist who believed in spirits, magick, talismans, curses, the whole nine yards. So I foolishly accepted it at face value.
A new school program in my town opened, it was to prevent high school dropouts and provide educational opportunities for people who were over 19. It was a chance to be an independent human, and I grabbed it with both hands and tried to get as many credits as I could. But my health wavered, in total during school I had four teeth pulled that the infection alone would’ve killed me. My determination faded in the wake of my body refusing to health fast enough for me to work 7 days a week. And worse yet my parents were spreading around more rumors that I was a hooker and I had to start wearing a wedding band to get our male customer off of me.
I was understandably pissed. I hated myself, I hated my weak body, I hated the customers, I hated living. But I had 2 people who cared about what happened to me, and that was enough to make me put the gun down. However the high-stress environment did not make for good school grades and decent work in the shop, and slowly it all began to degrade. I couldn’t sleep. I couldn’t eat. I couldn’t look at people the same, and it started to show in my behavior. I would lash out from fatigue but neither of my bosses knew this cause I wanted to keep their hopes up in spite of everything so I kept it quiet and kept my mouth shut as much as my shortening temper would allow.
But it was too much when the husband confessed he loved me and had secretly married me in the backroom those many months before. I was disgusted. but I was in no position to leave. I couldn’t there were still people who patrolled the street we lived on watching the house. I was 19, no diploma, with an entire small town community that hated my guts or wanted me dead. I barely had an ID, much less a drivers license. So I was stuck.
Thankfully the husband and I were never alone so nothing physical ever came of it and we never talked about it aside from my car rides to school. But then the wife had a heart attack the day after Thanksgiving and I was stuck alone the entirety of 4 days with her in the hospital and left alone with him. I used every trick in the book I could, I argued against being his wife cause it was no legal but he just laughed. I stayed out of the house most days and simply sat with my laptop outside pretending to be dealing with her health issue( which I did have a deep concern for)
Nothing came of those 4 days but when his wife returned I told her everything the marriage, the ceremony, the fatigue, my fears I spilled my guts in the kitchen the moment he was gone. I couldn’t take it. I broke down and cried for the first time in forever, and have never really been able to stop since. She comforted me and said I should get some rest since I did the job of 2 people during our busiest time of year.
She didn’t believe me.
She thought I was a home wrecker and that I was lying to try and manipulate her into hateing her husband so I could get him. She thought all the rumors my parents had spread were true. She hated me.
It’s been about a year since then, the school I was going to shut its doors due to the lack of people attending, she has just declared me to conduct myself as a prostitute, the husband has threatened to throw me out if I don’t comply with being his wife, and I can’t rely upon any one of my friends cause I have no clue who was involved with selling me.
So as of right now, I have no idea why I am still alive. Maybe it’s hope, but I can’t safely say. I just wanted to get this out in case I die I can get a sliver of peace knowing I won’t die without having this story known cause as of right now this is the only time I have ever had the strength to tell this.
“Nobody,”
It’s heartbreaking to read of all the abuse and suffering that you have endured. And it’s amazing that you were able to tell your story here. I hope you can tell it to others, too. If you’re in the U.S., perhaps you could share your story with somebody at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 800-273-8255 (TALK).
If you live elsewhere, please take a look at the Resources page for a list of other places where you can connect with somebody by phone, text, email, or online chat. For example, you could email jo@samaritans.org.
I wish you the best and hope you can extricate yourself from what sounds like a very painful situation, and experience the hope and peace that you deserve.
I have life easy by most standards. So I know I shouldn’t be depressed, when all this good has happened to me. And just thinking that, and still being depressed makes me even more depressed. But two things are stopping me: My little sisters and my faith. How could my parents explain to my sisters that their big brother, the same brother who sets an example for them to follow, the brother who is liked by everybody, the brother who they think is the coolest person in the world: Killed himself? If Nate didn’t think life was worth living, why should I, when he has so much to lose? This comes to mind whenever I think about killing myself. The latter is my faith. So many people out there have inspired others, just by doing the right thing. So no matter what the people around me are doing or saying, I can just do what God says the right thing is, and even if I die, I can die peacefully knowing I did the right thing. If I don’t die due to some random illness, chance, or because I was doing what God wants me to do, I have not run this race of life as I know I should. So whenever I ask myself, “Why don’t I just end it all?” I remind myself of the big picture. I have siblings, and more importantly, God has not called me to him yet. I owe everything to him, this life is not mine to take.
I feel sad and depressed and lonely all the time.
I get what you mean when you say that no one would believe you. I haven’t found anyone i can relate to at all where i live and it drives me depressed like crazy.
I found comfort in God and in what Jesus taught us about how to live our life etc.
Most importantly how we should spread love like God wanted and not to work for money.
Go to the police immediately. Find yourself some battered women shelter, homeless shelter etc. There are a lot of options in the US, just research it. NEVER LEAVE YOUR THINGS ALONE WITH THE HUSBAND OR THE WIFE. NEVER TELL THEM WHERE YOU ARE GOING.
you can write well. Find yourself a career of a freelance blogger or anything. There are ways to make money on the internet… none of them are good enough immediately to pay for rent but it can be worth a try if you are desperate. Seek out another job. But the police is must. You HAVE to report them or things WILL get worse.
Start a goFundMe campaign.
Have your phone near you when you are around him. You may need to call 911, but you have to report both your parents and him to the police, along with everybody who tried to sell you. If you know the pimp’s name, do it. But, and listen closely, when you report, find the biggest police station and report there, NOT in the closest one in your neighborhood. Do it through the general 911 line and, this is important, try to record both her husband and your family when they say that they are going to sell you, or that you have to be his wife. Keep a copy of everything you give to the police. When you write things down in the station, take a picture of what you wrote. Email it to the human rights community in the area. Do not let the police be the only place that you addressed, have like 6 or 7 contacts – councillors at school, psychologists, international websites, so on and so forth. Raise hell and open a thorough investigation
If you can afford buy a burner phone, you may need one. Pack your stuff beforehand and have it ready in case you are thrown out again.
Contact me via email: jdoe0797033@gmail.com
Go to the police immediately. It will only get worse from there. Have your things packed for your leave, have some money, buy a burner phone that you keep around you at all times… call 911, do anything. Report the whole of your family, but remember this. When you go to the police station, make sure you have a recording of his and of your parents, take a copy of everything you write there, or record everything you say. Address more than one agency. At least talk to someone else, human trafficking support group, the FBI, so on and so forth. Do not have it only in the police hands.
John,
Thank you for all the support you’ve offered to “Nobody.” I am very happy when readers offer support to one another.
“Nobody,” I hope his advice is helpful to you. If you want to email him but don’t want to reveal your identity, you can create a new email account under a different name at any of the free email providers, such as Gmail and Yahoo.
Oh, honey! What a dreadful, harsh story! I’m so sorry that has all happened to you. It makes sense that you feel awful right now. Please do what Stacey says. There are places that will let you live for a while, and people you can talk to for very low fees. I don’t even know you, but it seems so sad that your life should end before it even begins! You sound like a person who just needs a lucky break. I hope you find it for yourself and things turn around. Sending you much love.
If I knew a way of doing it that would not be too painful, I would without a shadow of doubt. I once saw some one jump off a building. I was horrified. Even more so when that person didn’t die and has a lifetime of suffering more.
There are a few reasons why I haven’t given in to suicide.
1. I don’t want to hurt my family. The emotional scarring would be horrific.
2. I fear a painful death.
3. There are certain life events I want to experience before dying. Like, being in love would be real nice.
4. I don’t want to die without seeing Game of Thrones.
5. I don’t want to die without seeing all the Marvel movies I haven’t seen yet. I guess you could say I have a fear of missing out.
But ,some situations are very hard to handle
Nothing stops myself from suicide. Except trying to find a reason to live.
You only get one life, death is eternal, once your dead, there’s no coming back, and whose to say it’s eternal bliss
I really want to right now I’m pointless
you are not. think of all the people youll hurt. you have to be strong. you can do it. think of all the good things, get help, move on. do whatever it takes because your life is important.
You are not alone im constantly thinking about it and the thoughts wont leave me alone i dont know how much longer i will last but i hope you come out of this hole of despair even if i dont.
Ive been waiting to hurt myself since I was seven well i did try once. Took a whole bottle of muscle relaxers. The hospital made me drink some black chalk. Listen where am i to put all this pain. I was raped at six til seventeen. Then as an adult of 24 then at the age of 28. My mom disowned me. My sisters don’t want me either. My father my true friend left me on earth so did my bff and my ex 2016 2017 and 2018. Oh yeah and every death happened in November. I don’t want to be alone on earth anymore. I want to be with my dad and bff and my ex. I hate it here. I hate that Im left alone
I am so sorry, I really know how you feel. I have similar situation now.
hello. my name is sophia and i wanted to commit suicide since i was 12. but now i got over it a little bit. i use my journal to get my anger out and i believe, the next day would be a different day. For example, whatever happened yesterday was only from yesterday and the next day is a fresh start. thanks you so much for this website:) now i would never think about killing myself ever again:)
Than you so much you saved so many lives
My wife stops me.. just dont want her to be the one to find the body.. beyond that nothing is stopping me.
I know how you feel Nick, my best friend is the only person closest to me. She understands me in every way and honestly has stopped me from killing myself so many times without even realizing it. She keeps me alive when nothing else does. Every second of my life I feel that suicide is the answer. And I don’t know how to feel either. I am just numb and I assume you feel the same. I can’t tell you that you have a lot to live for but I can tell you, try to do something different.
Like I would never write this but I am on the verge and this is helping. So if nothing brings you joy, connect to the small things, even though they are insignificant, it’s still beautiful. enjoy it, that is what they are there for. I hope that this made you smile Nick. have a future, a good one, and make sure to thank your wife for me for helping because your comment saved me for today.
Everyone Reading: God bless you. Seriously thank you. Just for this moment of existence. Of breathing. You are significant. A part of the beautiful divine plan that is this world. Sometimes i hear the thoughts telling me why don’t I just end it all, why does it matter? And i dont play with them. They are just thoughts. I and you are more than these silly thoughts! You have a say in what you do, act out on, react to, and even how you THINK.
I love you
Where was god when my mom hitting me , I was only 5, where was god when she decided to not give me food and locked me in a cellar I was only 6, where was god when she burned me with stick all over my body, is that bless from God?
Dear anonymous, no those weren’t blessing from God – that’s obvious, isn’t it?
I started asking myself the same question that you pose when I was in my teens and had to come to some conclusions about “God.”
I do believe in God as the creator, but don’t think he (she/it) plays a very big role in everyone’s life.
There are terrible people who do terrible things to others and to defenseless children and there is nothing of God in their actions – no matter how hard they try to “prove they’re doing God’s work.”
I’m sorry for the awful things that happened to you as a child, but place the blame where it belongs. You did nothing to deserve what they did and God doesn’t interfere with what someone does … sometimes it would be nice if he did.
I don’t believe there is a god. There is no heaven or hell. There is only this world today. There is only what you do now.
I’m a fine one to say this. I’ve tried suicide more than once. That’s probably how I’ll die. Right now I’m having a good period.
But do what you can to make the time between the day you’re born and the day you die worth something. That’s all we have.
In my case I attempted suicide
because I was so depressed bc of
childhood trauma/sexual assaults.
And it just dawned on me if I carry out suicide it is letting them
b- – – – – – – win !
AND THEY DO NOT WIN
one of the most Important reason is that they keep hurting me …they don’t care if im down they see it as my normal act…there are so much pain and I want it to stop…at first times if they would hurt me I thought Id be ok if I leave the place i live in and move to somewhere else but now Its like the pain had injected to my veins and itll follows me everywhere…
I feel like I’m basically useless for anything or anyone, but I also have fear of dying. I don’t know what to do anymore because everything is going to worse in my life, and nearly everyone around me hates me or doesn’t care about me. But I also feel like I don’t want to die, even if I don’t have anything to live for. I don’t know what to do at all, because every day I’m alive, it’s horrible.
I dont know what you’re going through but I hope and pray your heart is open to hear God calling. You are not alone, you are not worthless, you are loved.
im sorry man, you can get through this, think happiness, spread love, and love yourself.
The reason I do not attempt again after my last one 2 &1/2years ago is that I have realised that even when I actually manage to kill myself as I did the medical teams are too good at reviving people now so there is no point until I can ensure that I can not be found for days afterwards. That is why I am still alive.
What stops me from suicide is my perception of strength. I question whether it is more powerful for me to feign strength even though my depression seems past unbearable at times, or whether it is more courageous to have the strength to turn my hand against myself.
Another thing: I believe that if I overcome my situations, there will always be worse ones in the future, so I should just stay at where I am.
Thanks for reading this.
ive been thinking about suicide and I have almost killed myself about many times but what stops me is friends people that I love the fact that I want to help other people with suicide or depression or stress
Help, I don’t want to carry on living anymore, but I’m scared, I’m scared of dying, My mind is messing with me, It’s telling me God isn’t real, even though I am a Christian. My minds telling me after I die, there will be nothing, there will be no God welcoming me to Heaven. I really want all of this to end. Recently, I heard my crush saying he wanted to hang himself, he looked like he was really suffering, he looked like he was gonna cry. I’m not close with him, but I want to tell him that I care, and he shouldn’t do that. But because my life is so unlucky, I can’t. I’ve done similar things in the past, but it always ends up with the whole school finding out, and bullying me.
Depression started when my family pressured me too much, making me always get the highest grade. My mum then did something illegal to me, that i will never forget. My friends when i was 7, 8,9,10,11,12 were always putting me down. they bullied me. Now I’m 14, 15 next year, and Still i only have 1 best friend, and because of my social anxiety, i even feel scared to be around her, and to talk to her. After all these years of bullying and family problems, I am now an almost mute 14 year old girl, who blushes when ever she talks to anyone, who can’t even say Hi to people to say Hi to her, who is boy-crazy, who is always in unrequited love, who is hated by every single person, who is weird, who has no friends, who wants to commit suicide, but is to scared to, who wishes she was never born.
I want to help my crush, I can’t I have to watch him suffer and not do anything about it. I want to be happier. I want to live life how others do. I don’t want to be the most hated person in the world.
There is a person who cares for you somewhere in this world and if there is not then make there be one. Also, think about saying hi to yourself in the mirror. I have dealt with something like this before and something that helped was talking to my self. I know it is weird but what did I have to lose. Even if everyone hates now or ever does it matter to you? Do you care if someone who has not taken time to know you hates you?
I am sorry to hear that. I am the same way but I can help you with that. I am a sweet boy I may not be in your area but I wish you to live a good life. this really shouldn’t be happening to you. I know somebody who committed suicide over cyber bullying and I get bullied alot in highshool
trust your inner spirit
I’m sorry good luck stoping him
Wow. I feel bad for you and your crush. How ones so young can be so sad… It reminds me of myself at that age. I too was in the grip of teenage anxiety and depression, but survived somehow.
I’ve been living with depression and suicidal thoughts since the age of 14/15, and in all the years since, l’ve come to the conclusion that surviving ones own darkness is very much a mind game. If you can somehow get your state of mind in a different place, you may live yet.
If possible, try to focus on good things you have, no matter how small and trivial they may seem. Find things you have a passion for, good things and hobbies that will enrich your mind.
Social anxiety is terrible, I know, but if you could summon the courage and cement a solid friendship with your crush, the benefits to both of you will be enormous.
Just hold on, you have more strength than you know.
Those people who bully, they were never true friends. School is awful, but it doesn’t last forever. In 5 years, all those who deride you will be nothing, their lives descending into a dull tedium. As time passes, you will only get stronger.
Steel your mind, and do your best to not engage with awful people. Not always easy, I know. If you receive abuse on ‘social’ media, I would advise deleting your accounts and never going on the sites again. Horrible things, they are. So called ‘social’ media will only help to deteriorate ones mind. Avoid.
I really wish that I could know you. I would like to help you with more than just words, and I would’ve taken you under my wing.
Well, all the best treacle. I hope you make it through.
I’ll end with a quote that may help make sense of a senseless world.
“This too shall pass”
I feel sad and depressed and lonely all the time.
If you wish to talk more send me an email: carloschircopvevo@gmail.com
I found comfort in God and in what Jesus taught us about how to live our life etc.
Most importantly how we should spread love like God wanted and not to work for money.
Doubts naturally come but these are normal, i can help you clarify things if you like.
But do not worry. God takes care of us just like how he takes care of the birds of the air.
I may have never met you but i care.
Help me.
Charles, so simple and short. I understand. I’m not sure what I could do to help, but I’m willing to hear and help in any way I can if you want to contact me. It’s probably the only thing that does bring any meaning to my life. Nadazonie@gmail.com
i’m getting to the point where i no longer fear death just all these religious preoccupations i have…what if I die and i forget my dog and my childhood where I was able to play and have my dreams. what if the bible is just a book and we are really all common men and death is just no awareness of anything. … fucking horrible and I try to pray but in such a cynical world it comes down to skepticism and horror.
I can help you with your questions about God if you like
Email: carloschircopvevo@gmail.com
I may not know you but both God and i love and care about you even tho i personally have never met you
All I got to say is that if you want to live, stay away from narcissists.
I’d love to kill others way more than I’d fancy suicide, but that opens up a whole new can of worms, mostly jail-related.
I don’t believe in hell, a God who hates suicide victims and anything that will make life worthwhile. Literally the only thing that makes life even somewhat worth not ending is my family. Sadly that is getting less and less influential as each day goes by, I feel as though a crazy destructive end is the only end there will be. The funny thing is if I were to say some crazy things just for attention no one would show up to my door
My physical pain does not appear to be a treatable condition any longer and I can not live with the pain that I am now being forced to live with.
I came looking for answers and only one stands out besides the physical pain; that would be farewell, or GOODBYE
In pain but alive until they took away my HOPE!
Why am I still alive? Living well is the best revenge.
I have been contemplating suicide for several weeks recently. I’m fifty one years old and I have done almost everything that I’ve wanted to do. Now, that is not to say that I’m a wealthy person. My list of things that I wanted to do was pretty short and not all that grand. I feel as though I have failed my famiy. My oldest daughter was raped in my home 10 years ago by a friend of one of her brothers, I’m not supposed to know this. Thus I can’t comfort her. My middle child has become a cutter, and I put a financial strain on my family because of a poor business decision, and recently have developed irritability and anger issues due to post concussion syndrome. I have a meme on my Ipad as the locked screen that says ” It’s easy to find a hundred reasons to quit, the trick is to find the one reason to keep going.”. My wife and daughters are what keep me going for now. I’m not afraid of death as I have looked him in the eyes on more than one occasion he blinked first. I’m afraid that one day I may just be tired of the fight and see what comes next.
My dad is 53. He escaped his homeland to avoid serving in the war. He got stuck in a refugee camp. He saw horrible things. He still can’t say some words but describes them. He’s been stereotyped and mistreated by his own family and police. He keeps going. He blocks a lot of things out as “I can’t handle this all alone, what can I do?”. Not in a woe is me sort of way, but a truly “I have no control over this. He is right to some degree, but sometimes, when I mention alternatives to him as he is now “wealthy-wealthier” he refuses because he has already pushed himself into a corner. He was powerless for a long time and that mindset has stayed with him on some issues.
As for your oldest daughter–I don’t think I would have wanted to tell my dad if it happened to me. Even though my dad is loving, he’d probably feel like shit. I’d like to avoid that. I might also think maybe I did something to deserve it. Maybe dad might get in trouble trying to track the sicko down. For example this exact shame you feel was exactly what your daughter was trying to avoid by not telling you. Which sucks. I think at some point even now you might need to speak to a professional. Maybe your daughter wants you to know somewhere in the back of her mind. Not necessarily repeat the rape, but a quick. Dad something happened to me.
It’s not as much as the actual rape, but the secrecy could be weighing on her. You never know. She might want to keep it secret from you forever. But since you’re 51 might be worth it to explore the idea. Might lessen some kind of burden on her.
I was abused physically and emotionally by my mother. My father not knowing english or enough of this country just—let it be. He would try his best to protect me and stand up to my mom when he was home, but when he left to work I was helpless. I started having suicidal thoughts and harming myself (not by cutting) because I felt stuck and miserable.
Years later when I was 22 so maybe 15+ years LATER. I finally told my dad in a text. I told him that I have been having nightmares and that he should understand the risk he is putting potentially on my younger siblings by not fighting for custody. Does he really want a second child to possibly suffer as I did? I told him that I am in therapy and that I needed help.
Why my father chose to leave my mother with custody I don’t know. Easier I guess. He said he’ll have money for college and a car. I said do you really want your kid to see a therapist?
THERE IS NO EVIDENCE THAT MY MOTHER MISTREATS MY SIBLING AS SHE DID TO ME
Regardless of this ongoing issue. My dad who comes from a culture that does not believe mental illness exists was on the phone with me one day and he said “you know, I’ve been doing some reading and it says kids that hurt a lot by their parents they end up not having confidence and hurting them-self. It’s ok you’re getting help and I am proud of you for enduring your mom for so long. You didn’t deserve to be born into that situation. Your mom just took all her anger out on you because she knew it would hurt me. I never want you or anything to hurt you ever again. So I hope you talk to me when you feel sad or angry or anything. ”
I admit I had to be the one to start this dialogue with my dad for MONTHS. Just little parts. Sometimes I’d offload so many texts and calls because thoughts were scattered and all over the place.
I would like to end by saying. I do not know how my dad endured as much as he has. If he ever gave up and died by suicide I would be really really crushed. I don’t see myself as having two parents. Only my dad. I have friends who have lost their dads and they’re my age too. I usually try to call my dad once a week but sometimes I don’t call for months.
He’s always there when I need him though and I have thoughts about him more often then he knows. He likes fishing,cooking, and woodshop stuff. So things remind me more of him than he knows. So just know things do remind your kids of you even if they never say anything. Your oldest and your youngest especially since she is cutting 1/30 thoughts might be of you when she can even focus on that.
I hope your youngest daughter gets help. Some things are very hard to say. To express and maybe it’s too much for her to understand how to handle to it expresses in other ways.
As for your oldest—even now maybe say I’m proud of you (because the youngest might not be in a state of mind of believing you though you should say it to her as well).
What makes me sad is that I don’t really see a bright future. Hard work you assume you’d get somewhere. but a lot of buttheads say “you’re not entitled”. Yea well a lot of uncontrollable factors go into that. I worry that I won’t ever find a well paying job. That if I do I will be as I am now. Fat because my commute is too damn long. No time for actual life enhancing hobbies because again—my commute is too long. Mentally drained. Like—there isn’t even dreams of a house or retirement in my life right now. I don’t see things getting better although I am back in school. There’s no guarantee of anything. What if my dad leaves me alone?
I read somewhere that it’s the weirdest feeling when you are close to your dad and you do call weekly. Only for them to have died and you still forget sometimes and you still think “hey I’ll call dad” only to remember—you can’t.
You’ve already said your family and wife are keeping you going. I guess it’s the same for my dad. The thing is if financial worries and emotional worries are plaguing everyone in some way. Then you’re not thinking in a clear headed manner.
My dad said that to me recently “ok…what were you thinking that for? You know you have school and full time work but you want a 2nd job for money? You earn enough. ” I said ” but dad what if something happens to my job due to this contract? Where will I go? Where will I be? I am so scared. I have been paying off my loans and have very little savings. I don’t know what’s going to happen!” My dad said “Look I’m still around. I know your mom took all our savings and blew it on gambling and that guy (the affair) but I’m still around. I’m only 53 and you know I take care of my diabetes. so you got nothing to worry about me. Just worry about you.” I said “but dad! you have no retirement so I’ll have to take care of you and your diabetes will one day will get worse and …” My dad said “Look, you’re not thinking straight. You’re worried about all these things and I am not sickly. I am not retiring anytime soon obviously. If you do not focus on your schooling you will be in trouble with me. So you need to take this weekend to relax. Not work a 2nd job that your 1 job already pays for. I’m still helping with your bills for your car too so what you worrying about?”
I hope somewhere in my long text you might have found some kind of link between yourself and your daughters. We need our dads as long as possible because life is unpredictable. Even if one day it’s all rainbows and butterflies —something is going to upset them or make it worse by suicide. I tell you when I was 22 a man 57 years old tried to have sex with me and hit on me in a grocery store. I just heard I was going to lose my job. A very weak deep sad moment for me. You know who I thought about? My dad. So I told the creep to go away but he got my number so I met up with him and every 3 times he tried to get me to sleep with him while talking about his 22 year old son. You know why I didn’t even though I was truly alone? I thought about my dad. That my dad wasn’t this creep and so I finally I told the dirt bag to shove it and go F himself. When I was little I always tried to sleep on my dad’s shoulder and even now a lot of hard days I wish he didn’t live so far away so I could come home and silently lean on my dad. So you know—there’s a lot more impact that you might think. There will always be some predator out there waiting and I know my dad is only a phone call away. He doesn’t know about the old 57 creepy man, but I call him when I wonder “hey dad I’m about to buy this thing—am I being ripped off?” Or “dad. I feel angry because” —my dad is always there. Sometimes he doesn’t find out about things until it’s too late like “dad mom took my college funds and I can’t graduate because I owe tuition”.
I know a lot of this sounds solely financial. In reality beyond it is a “someone really has my back and is willing to help me and is also open to understanding how I think and where I am coming from” I have family that loves me like my aunts, but they are super traditional and I am a (to make it easy to understand) a tomboy. My dad never tried to force me to fit a mold except to dress better and brush my hair. Not in a feminine way—he just wishes I would look more refined even if I wear tshirts and jeans. He wish it was tshirts and real pants.
Best wishes
To: Someone’s Daughter,
I felt compelled to reply to tell you that you should consider becoming a writer. Your ‘stream of consciousness’ speaks to the heart, and from the heart.
Your writing is an ‘essay’ to fathers that is beautiful. I am female, and was never close to my father, and never experienced any of those feelings– probably because I’ve always been so close to my mom.
I never experienced the abuse that any of you speak of here, especially not from a parent or family member, thank God.
But still, I have never really experienced the joy of living either. As one person said here, I live by the mantra “the best revenge is living well”, although I have not been been able to make life even tolerable for a long time.
I relate to your line: ” The sad part is that I dont really see any chance of things getting better”
I’m not sure why I’m still here at this point, and all these things I felt compelled to come read on this page from each of you today have touched me deeply. Perhaps it is the comfort, not just of knowing there are others out there who feel as ‘doomed and hopeless’ as I do, but more its hearing them spoken by each of you. That’s what’s missing in my own life: I never hear anyone reflect my thoughts and feelings. Yet, I came to this page today out of no particular reason (I’ve read Stacey’s pages many times, and made comments of my own), but today I hear such a variety of that one same theme: we dont want to be here in this life.
It helps me to know you are out there. I wish I knew each of you, and could hear you say these things out loud. I’m sure we could make each other laugh with our morbid truths about the life we know.
But, particularly to “Somebody’s Daughter”, I say you should write. You would be heard by many.
talk to her about it please. she will be resistant at first, but no matter how poorly she responds to your efforts, just know that your voice was heard.
I feel like killing myself and crying
I know. I get it.
Thanks for the compliment on my writing. I appreciate it. I used to write a lot during high school and am quite rusty now. I fondly remember winning an award for a contest once during high school. Guess I didn’t feed that talent well enough because even now my only focus is to make certain that I have financial stability.
Hi Pattie, I would speak to you aloud if I could. I’d tell you about the pain in person. Your line ” I’m sure we could make each other laugh with our morbid truths about the life we know.” really resonates with me.
I have notifications set up and hope and wait that the father I replied to might read what I wrote. I hope he knows. Comes back and reads it and leaves a comment with whatever reply he wants. I just hope he knows.
Well the only reson that i am alive is because i am orthodox and i fear if i kill my self i will go to hell i mean i have no hope and happens in my life the thought of going to hell doesn’t really excite me and that’s what keeps me alive
I have learned to say F* them instead of F* life.
I try to remember that nothing in life stays the same. There is only one thing I have found to be true and that is that life constantly changes. There is no getting around it. If I’m so low and things are so awful, I can rest assured that things will change… and the odds are in my favor they will change for the better… because sometimes the only direction from where I am is up.
I also try to take a few moments to realize that what I think are immovable factors in my life are actually movable. They are often my choices. If I have a hateful mother, I do have the choice to end my relationship with her instead of ending my life. If I have an awful job, then I give myself permission to find something different to do – maybe really, really different.
I try to think about my own beliefs about disappointing others. I might think suicide is my only option because I don’t have the freedom to make a radical choice or a decision for myself. But then I realize that when I’m at the place of considering suicide, I’m actually at that place Janice Joplin sang so truly about, where “Freedom is just another word for nothing left to lose.” I have total freedom to save myself in any way possible. Would my friends and family be more hurt by my death or by my doing everything possible (including making a radical change in my life) and still be alive?
I think back on my life so far and realize that everything in my reality is absolutely not what I planned in my idealized version of my future. OK. So what future do I want to make with the crooked puzzle pieces I have before me? I have to grieve the loss of what I always expected of myself.
I think of the traumas I’ve experienced so far and decide that those awful people no longer get to abuse me, especially if it is only in my mind. If they are not abusing me now, then I do have the power to recognize that right now, in this moment, I am not being abused. If they are abusing me now, I get to ask myself if I choose to be abused, to take my life, or dive into some unknown future. What do I have to lose by choosing an unknown future?
When I feel like the mental health system has failed me, I try to remember my power. I can fire doctors or therapists who dismiss me or who don’t listen to me. I can try something new. Part of that “new” might mean that I put on dress clothes and make-up for my appointments so they take me more seriously.
I recognize that mental health professionals are also human and they respond with human actions and make human judgments. I play the game in my favor.
Reclaiming my role as the leader of my own recovery has been very empowering.
I acknowledge and accept that life is indeed full of pain, but not defined by pain. We all go through difficult periods. The more I resist my pain, the worse it becomes. I spent many years thinking that life wasn’t worth living because I didn’t agree to the pain that comes with it. Now, I use the visualization of dark chocolate (bitter and sweet at the same time) to understand my experience. The bitter makes the sweet so much sweeter. I have learned to use my pain to make my joy more pronounced.
Lastly, I remember that we all have experiences that bring us to our knees. The death of a loved one, the loss of a job, the loss of a relationship. Yes. I have a mental illness but that doesn’t mean I don’t share in the common human experience. Deep grief is not pathological. It just is. I once had a therapist tell me that I could only feel joy to the degree that I was willing to feel pain. I didn’t understand it at the time. But now, when I open myself to pain, grief, and hopelessness I also open myself to the simple pleasures of life, gratitude, joy, and at rare times, ecstasy.
I just wanted to say thank you for this comment; it helped give me some perspective and hope.
what your therapist told you about grief and joy is exactly how i’ve always interpreted my life; my highs are so high and my lows are so low.
thank you for your comment. you made a positive impact on my life.
Beautiful. Thank you. You reached me.
Thank you for your insight! I’ve copied your reply so I can read it again when my own perspective has me feeling like I don’t want to go on!
What stops me? Yeah, the fear, the unknown! I have brain damage from an OD and coma. And I still want to die. David Foster Wallace states it well:
“The so-called ‘psychotically depressed’ person who tries to kill herself doesn’t do so out of quote ‘hopelessness’ or any abstract conviction that life’s assets and debits do not square. And surely not because death seems suddenly appealing. The person in whom Its invisible agony reaches a certain unendurable level will kill herself the same way a trapped person will eventually jump from the window of a burning high-rise. Make no mistake about people who leap from burning windows. Their terror of falling from a great height is still just as great as it would be for you or me standing speculatively at the same window just checking out the view; i.e. the fear of falling remains a constant. The variable here is the other terror, the fire’s flames: when the flames get close enough, falling to death becomes the slightly less terrible of two terrors. It’s not desiring the fall; it’s terror of the flames. And yet nobody down on the sidewalk, looking up and yelling ‘Don’t!’ and ‘Hang on!’, can understand the jump. Not really. You’d have to have personally been trapped and felt flames to really understand a terror way beyond falling.”
Be well!
Raven.. yup.
What makes me even angrier than people thinking it’s some whim, is that they actually think that I simply dont know where to turn for help, and that if they can simply point the ‘suicide squad’ to find me, that I will suddenly be transformed and want to live again. The truth is these idiots pretend to care, but arent really willing to do the slightest thing unless it’s simply a bandaid for an emergency.
Life takes work, and more so for people like us. I would rather people have guts to be honest and admit they really dont care, rather than watching them pat themselves on the back while they ignore the real cries for help that can only be heard by people who truly care enough to listen, and then take the time to be there, and to admit their discomfort with not being able to provide a ‘one size fits all’ answer. What I need most from someone is to know that someone who says they really care and really want to help are sincere enough to stick around when its uncomfortable, and they dont have the answers. I have seen too many, especially professionals, simply aid, abet, and abandon. To them, I say, dont bother. Each of us has gotten through a lot worse by ourselves, and we dont need you thinking you are doing us a favor with your shallow attempts to appear concerned. We see you far more clearly than you see any of us.
I’m bipolar. I have been suicidal several times in the past (no attempts), though not for years. It was wife and kids, and the lack of a sure fire method that wold not leave a risk of ending up worse. I have a very good imagination for ways things can go wrong. My depression is much better controlled these days, so no worries, readers. – Because with the kids well grown issue one is weaker for me and I looked at #2 as a problem to be solved. I’ll only say about that that my job title before I retired was literally “Senior Solutions Engineer”. Infer what you will.
The life affirming never cut it for me for reasons I will not write here as that would be extremely inappropriate.
I had two overdose attempts a few years ago. Some times I still have thoughts of it. What does this mean?
Yeah… I’m thinking about suicide (. Especially now, when I had a dream where I was being escorted into a psychiatric ward by a doctor and a nurse – but I knew that there was nothing that the society could do, if I truly wanted to kill myself. And I felt happiness, or joyfulness, relief, in that dream.
What does that tell about me? Just my corrupted mind (and thoughts) talking back at me? Telling me that I’m just f***** up, plain and simple, beyond repair and hope? Or what?
Because I haven’t felt any kind of feeling of happiness (or the like) in any of my dreams in a looooooong time. No, I just always wake up exhausted, wondering what the f*** were those images that were being delivered into my dreams? Why can I not get any rest from the demons that haunt me?
Am I just a lost cause, someone who is bound to commit a suicide? Because there will always be suicides, just as there will ALWAYS be unemploymency and bullying (and so on).
I need to die but I love my pets more than myself.
Ditto
Me too. And asking if anyone here at work is willing to love a snuggle bug kitty, and seeing their reactions, let’s me know she won’t be cared for if I off myself. It hurts too much to think of doing that to her..
I’m trying to kill myself because I’m so alone
Natalie,
There are many people who want to try to help. I hope you will connect with some of them; I provide a list at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp of places that can help you by phone, text, online chat, and email.
Natalie, I haven’t done this in a while and Stacey seems to let me get away with it (thank you ma’am)
I have a forum over at ChronicSuicideSupport.com that’s small but we’re a good group of people if you just want someone who understands the desire to ‘just do it!’ We all are / have been there and know how rough putting up with some people can be or how rough it can be when we have no people on whom we can fall back.
I’ll invite you (and anyone else here) to come over and set back and talk about life and the desire to end it. Maybe we can’t *do* anything, but we can listen with a sympathetic ear.
(( NB the discussion of methods (how to kill yourself) is completely forbidden. If that’s what you’re looking for, you won’t find it at CSS ))
Me too
i feel you there
If I was not married and didn’t have kids, I’d have left by now – probably 2009
The not having got married or had children of my own is the reason I increasingly want to end my life. The saddest thing is that to those outside and looking in, it doesn’t make sense that I couldn’t make those things happen when I was younger I was intelligent, educated and considered attractive. But for various reasons, some logical, other not, I didn’t allow myself to be loved, and when the time came, didn’t trust myself to be a mother. So, along with a present life which feels purposeless, unfulfilling and devastatingly lonely, “wrong”, I beat myself up for being the one who ensured this happened. What isn’t helpful is reading from other single, childless people that life will only get harder, lonelier and worse with age. Nor those who never wanted children telling me I can find beauty and hope in birdsong, travel, clean drinking water. But the thing which really tells me my life is of little consequence is that parents are kept alive for their kids. I used to be a teacher, I know that I gave love to those children, and some adored me. Perhaps if I could get back into a functional, working life, I might find purpose and hope again.
I have always looked at it, if I say that I am going to do it. It gives me a peace of mind. I have told my suicidal thoughts that they will have their way, but I have to wait until I get to this point in my life, and then when that time comes I move it up more. I do want to die, but I am not ready, it would hurt more people in my life.
I read what you have posted. And from someone who thinks about saying goodbye a lot,I found it as a different way of looking at why I haven’t done it yet.
I am afraid.
But I am ready.
I have a wife and 3 kids and leaving them is what scares me and what stops me every time I think of it.
Who will be strong for them.
I’ve stayed alive because I have a grown child that would experience grief, guilt, and the idea that she didn’t do enough to prevent it.
I wont even read past the first few lines… yes, it is like saying go ahead and do it and stop being a wimp! And the reason it isn’t done as often as it would be is because this bastardized GOD fearing dumb ass country /world, thinks its a sin – when fairy god in the sky is a lie! Stupid people don’t allow the drugs to off oneself with ASSURANCE that they will succeed in a painless, dignified manner. THAT is why its not acted on. You can screw up shooting yourself in the head, google it and you’ll see. You can screw up OD’ing and end up alive with half a brain or paralyzed in a MUCH WORSE condition than now. So if you fearful god-believers would get your head out of your ass and allow DIGNIFIED RIGHT TO SUICIDE than a ton of these shootings would stop and people could opt to off themselves and not take you innocent jerks with them. I’m all for the RIGHT TO DIE BY DIGNIFIED MANNER with assistance from medical professionals. Until our society grows the hell up and allows this, things will get worse and the unhappy suicidal people will take it out on all of us. Get with reality and stop pretending there is anything more after life. There is nothing more. You KNOW that, but you FEAR believing the truth and you cause others to suffer here in this world, on this earth that they no longer want to exist on. So you want them to THINK about things…. they don’t need to, they already know, and they know a lot more than you do, and a lot more than they can articulate. Let people die in peace with family BY CHOICE when they want to. Such children are you who control other people, forcing them to live when they want out. Let them go already.
Yes, make it easier for people to die peacefully. Then we’ll see how much this life is worth to how many people.
I thought I was the only one who thought about that you have a choice whether you want to live or die sometimes people have excuses for Staying Alive on all they want to do is die I’m just waiting for my son to be all right he’s a disabled vet and working to stabilize his life once that’s done I’m gone I’m out of here I am so ready to stop fighting trying to stay alive and trying to maintain that all I can do is just lay in bed all day thank you for putting in words
MY LITTLE SISTER IS WUT KEEPS ME FROM KILLING MYSELF
ok
So the author has no human connections, and lists what would happen to my animals as a serious excuse why they would not self exit. Interesting, a shut in with anti-social traits and severe isolation traits, wants to lecture social humans about life and suicide.
John,
For many people, what would happen to their pets is a strong deterrent against suicide. I have known some of them. I say, whatever works! That is, whatever stops people from dying by suicide, no matter how seemingly small, is huge in my book. This poem, “Don’t Kill Yourself” today by Hannah Dains, captures well the value of embracing whatever reasons for living are available: https://youtu.be/-Ktdf2KQ58c.
Whatever reasons you have, I hope you will embrace them.
p.s. I wonder what I’ve written that gave you the impression that I’m a shut-in with all the other characteristics you listed? I actually am neither isolated nor a shut-in (and I don’t think I have antisocial traits), but I have great compassion for those who are. The anxiety or other health problems that create such a situation inflict a very painful state of existence on many people.
Worrying about what will happen to my pets is the ONLY reason I haven’t taken my own life yet. I don’t care about what my family or friends think. That doesn’t matter to me at all. What worries me most is what happens to my pets because of my actions. The thought of them being taken to a kill shelter because a family member wouldn’t take them in horrifies me. I love them too much to do that to them, so that’s why I’m still here. Think it stupid if you wish, but it is a valid reason.
I don’t think it’s stupid at all! Many of my clients over the years have expressed similar feelings. They were terrified of what could happen to their pets. So they stayed alive for them.
I am RIGHT there with you. 100%. They love us and do not deserve to be abandoned. They are so wonderful.
Right now, I feel like the very thing that causes me to be suicidal is what is preventing my suicide.
I’ve had social anxiety since my early teens. I made a suicide “attempt” (I really don’t know if it’s fair to call it that, I started out with the intention to die, and changed my mind halfway through because I was too scared. Nothing really happened other than a few hours of discomfort and no one else found out about it) when I was 17 because I felt like my inability to communicate/interact with people would make it impossible for me to live as an adult. Obviously that didn’t work, and I lived. But things haven’t changed at all. I’m in my mid 30s now, and I’ve structured my life to avoid people. I have no friends, no job. I turned down every opportunity I ever had to accommodate the social anxiety and now of there are no more opportunities. Even if there were more, I’d turn them down again, even if I really want to say yes. I feel hopeless, worthless, trapped, and lonely.
I’ve planned my suicide with meticulous detail, and I have more knowledge than I did when I was 17. I often really want to just do it, but I’ve convinced myself that only one method is acceptable because 1) I think it’s the one that gives me the most confidence that I’d actually die, quickly and 2) I can arrange things so that only law enforcement/other professionals would have to deal with the body (this feels more ethical, I have no desire to traumatize anyone). The problem is that I do not have the means, and obtaining the means requires way more social interaction that I am able to do. Once again, the social anxiety is stronger than any desire I’ve ever had, including the desire to die.
I’ve often thought that if I was able to seek help for my social anxiety (and the social anxiety itself makes this impossible), maybe I’d be able to do things I’ve always wanted to do and find some contentment and happiness. But now I feel like it’s much too late. Even if it were fixed, I’d still be left with this life that I created to accommodate my fears, and I don’t want it. So if the social anxiety were fixed or even got just a little better, I feel like I’d immediately go out and acquire the means to kill myself and then do so.
I feel like this is a conundrum.
Beth, I feel similar to you. When asked why I would want to commit suicide, I’ve told therapists that my desire is due to fear. When asked why I haven’t committed or succeeded in committing suicide, I have the same answer – fear.
Fear has driven my life up to this point. I’m simply tired of dealing with that, and I don’t know how to find another way. Living without fear is like living without oxygen to me – I don’t know how to do either.
God cares for us, we are never alone.
endtimessurvivors@gmail.com is a Christian community were we take care we each other by meeting each other’s needs.
I wish to help you and this is the best way i know how.
My therapist asked this. My answer is still and always, “Because I am too weak to end it.” There’s no real reason to existing, besides that it would hurt family, which could perhaps be overcome in the right moment.
It is baffling to me that there could be any other answer for myself. I get that it’s about pointing someone to some reason, no matter how small, such as enjoying food or looking forward to a concert. Trust me, I’ve heard so many times that one should put it off for a day, death isn’t going anywhere, but then the next day comes and it’s the same…
I want to make one last comment on this question. I think therapists absolutely should ask this. Its the only thing that gets a person from simply ‘hanging on’ for some unknown duty, to actually contemplating their own truths.
Unfortunately, I moved to New Mexico a year and a half ago, and found a world back in time, that was not competent to trust having any opinions on suicide. I was totally misdiagnosed, therefore assumed to be ‘noncompliant’ with their ‘inappropriate meds’, and they haven’t got a clue about suicide, and they recklessly use their power to involuntarily force you to be hospitalized, and medicated without regard for patient rights that require court authorization. I see someone now, who meets minimal standards for the help I need with PTSD and depression, but I will never subject myself to their incompetence again by EVER discussing anything I’ve mentioned here. The mental health system here has only re-traumatized me each time I tell them what traumatizes me! Like others have said here: they really don’t care anywhere. And in NM, they are frighteningly unqualified and incompetent.
I had to laugh at that. I also live in New Mexico, and am not originally from here. I don’t see things here as being quite as grim as you describe (there is a lot that is positive, actually), but I haven’t had much dealing with mental health professionals here. The two psychotherapists I saw here were pretty awful, although only one was a native New Mexican. (In fairness, I saw several awful psychotherapists when I lived on the east coast, as well.) I’m sorry you’re experiences have been so bad, and I take your comment as a warning about local conditions. Would you be willing to say whether or not your experiences were in a small town in New Mexico? I’m wondering if things would be better in Albuquerque, where I live, as small townish as it is in some regards.
I have very definite reasons for staying alive/not killing myself.
First, let me say I’ve never found this life very interesting, and since a teenager and throughout my many years, I can’t wait to pass on from this life to whatever comes next. But, starting as a young adult, I was on a quest for ‘the meaning of life’. I wanted to explore the possible regrets of ending my own life, and if I concluded that it was a valid choice, I’m sure I would have already done so. But, there was something that nagged at me, that made me feel like it would not be a choice without consequences. To simplify, let’s just say I believe that “nothing worth having comes that easily”. I believe this life has lessons to be learned, and that choosing to skip this lifetime is like skipping part of my very big education. It will leave gaps in my understanding that can be filled no other way than living it out. So, yes, karma in a way. But, more like “we can’t learn lessons we skip. Whatever comes after this life, I believe that lesson will always be right there waiting for me, so I may as well get it over with here. I do believe there is a spiritual purpose to this life– I just can’t wait for it to be over, lol.
is there any way to ask a question through private message ? how can i contact
You’re welcome to contact me by using the form on the “Contact Me” page or emailing me at speakingofsuicide@gmail.com.
I appreciate your posts–and have barely started reading them. Thank you for making this resource available.
The question, “What stops you?” was a bit disturbing. (I’m a little sensitive to that kind of wording because I have had a close family member challenge me to–his words–commit suicide. Yet another family member–struggled with the spiritual implications of my battle with suicidal ideation and–came to the conclusion that, even if God had destined for me to “commit suicide, my family member would still be able to praise His glory for His love, justice and mercy to me.”) So…I know I have a heightened sensitivity to this discussion.
However, after reading your full post, I can see how there would be a strong protective value to exploring this question in therapy. It would be very protective to brainstorm and pull together those “last defense” safety reasons and beneficial, I think, to put them in writing. It needs to be done in a safe and supportive environment because just remembering those reasons takes the suicidal person back to a very traumatic and scary place. However, going back to that scary place to pull out and pull together the “successful defenses” of the past is a pretty cool technique. Nice work…thank you for sharing!
I do recommend an addition (or qualifier) to your initial question. Perhaps you could ask, “[Patient’s name], when you think about the past, what has been important enough to stop you thus far? What were your best–even most desperate–reasons that kept you safe? What–people, activities, ideas, even fears–gave you the strength to reach out for help?”
Saw GP today, hoped she would be in a receptive mood as I’ve had a good relationship with her in the past, felt she was helpful and on my side… She wasn’t…! Her comments were very invalidating; when I said about not expecting to be told about LP results by letter, she said they haven’t got time to see everyone, that’s how it is, and that MS wasn’t a death sentence (like I shouldn’t be upset about getting such news).
She asked about my mood and when I said I was very low, she said “I didn’t seem depressed”; she said I keep saying I’m suicidal, but was I really? That (because I didn’t admit to a plan to her) I couldn’t be. I didn’t see any point in telling her that I am just about holding on.
She made it sound as though I was just saying it for effect.
Is that what people think, that it’s nothing but attention seeking? I came out wishing I hadn’t bothered to see her.
For all the recent ‘positive publicity’ about mental health issues, at the end of the day it’s just media hype and empty words. Why would a person share how they’re feeling when they are not believed, and get accused of being manipulative. You certainly don’t expect your own GP to make you feel like a fraud.
In my case, my reason for not doing it is fear that I will not succeed. And unfortunately, most ‘pro-lifers’ are content just to make suicide unavailable, and there isn’t any real parallel effort to try and improve lives to the extent that people no longer see suicide as an option. So if these anti-suicide measures actually achieved success, then all they would be successful in doing would be trapping people in a miserable existence. Take this piece on the supposedly liberal Guardian, for example. It talks about the zero suicide target, but seems content to tackle the symptom of the problem (i.e. suicide) whilst not doing anything to help people with the problem that leads to suicide:
https://www.theguardian.com/society/2017/aug/01/zero-suicide-the-bold-new-fight-to-eradicate-suicide
And of course, they disabled comments on that article so that nobody could raise the ethical implications with the fact that they are advocating for the entrapment of some of the most unfortunate people in society.
I can’t stand the pro-lifers. I listened to a podcast recently that mentioned that girl with the terminal brain cancer… it was astounding how pro-lifers failed not only to grasp the the issue, but to make it so much about them that they were willing to let someone die slowly in agony.
And all of society is like this, still, unless you’re lucky enough to be in one of the rare places like Belgium. There’s such an intense paranoia not only around death, but mental illness has a whole. So there’s no getting better, since you can’t die and you can’t even dare mention something’s wrong. There’s no discussion, only an echo chamber for pro-lifers and even self-important “normal” people who are both incapable and unwilling to deal with serious issues.
It is so wrong to trap someone like this. And I’ve been through it to a degree, when one professional threatened to have me incarcerated despite me never saying a word on the subject. I’ve had the police at my door. At any moment, they could have taken me away. Why, because someone in a white coat suggested they do so? Or an anonymous face on the other side of the phone? Current therapist has asked about plans and intent anytime the subject comes up, and I’m all too aware of the implications. It’s a massive hindrance to discussion and a crime to clients.
The Guardian is rather fearful of comments in general.
This post was very helpful yet at the same time a little scary. I support families that have loved ones with mental health challenges. Suicide also hits close to home. Would your book help parents or just professionals? How do we as parents encourage our loved ones to create a life worth living?
Some people don’t kill themselves because there scared they won’t succeed…
Stacey, I’m amazed that any response would be to see it as a dare. It might be daring if the person is so depressed that at the moment they can’t see a reason to keep on trying but it can also help each of us to see that maybe we do have something to live for – even if it’s just for a little while longer.
I wonder how much cross traffic we have between your blog and my forum, again. I’ll make a note of an interesting article that’s well worth reading.
Dragon,
Thanks for your comment. I think some students’ (and professionals’!) dread of asking such a question reflects their deeper fears about suicide itself. You know, the old “if I ask about suicide, then they’ll go kill themselves” fear. Which, of course, is a myth.
Thanks, too, for recommending the article! I appreciate and respect the work that you do.
Three things stop me when it comes up (in order of importance):
1: My family and a couple of other people would be devastated and traumatized if I killed myself. I can’t do that to them. Seven years ago I was convinced that they’d be better off. That line of thinking is shut off to me now.
2: I’m afraid that I might just end up crippling myself, or otherwise make my life worse.
3: Curiosity. I’ve postponed my suicide (I ‘only’ attempted once) because I needed to know what happens next. Would there be a black president? What would Walter and Jesse get up to on Breaking Bad? If I get bad enough this impulse falls away and I don’t care about anything.
Just because a person hasn’t killed themselves, doesn’t mean they don’t still want to, or indeed that they won’t eventually succeed.
I had a Traumatic brain injury you really go eventually I lost my ability to work I lost my wife and daughter and suicide is definitely something I tried once and think about My 13-year-old little girl is the one thing that keeps me from actually doing anything like that
For approximately 5 years I was thinking of ways to end my life. It dominated my thoughts. At the time I kept myself from doing so because I was trying to find a way that would look like an accident, be complete; and I was sensitive about what I would look like physically to my children. I did not realize that I put myself under so much stress that I wanted to die before my children died before me. My parents died too young, my health was bad, and I thought that my life would end soon also. My love for my children gave me the fear that I would have a broken heart if anything happened to them before me. I was also depressed. The turning point for me was when I decided to tell them, thinking I was preparing them, about my intentions. I spent the summer visiting them all in order to let them know how much I loved them and I wanted them to have recently been with me before such an act. My first awakening was the response of some of my children. I was in so much heart pain that I could feel their pain. I badly wanted to go home (heaven) but my thoughts turned to their pain. Getting out of bed to go see them was actually a good thing for me, it was loosening the hold my depression had on me. Whenever I thought of taking my life, I cut myself instead to help the pain I was in. Eventually, knowing I was causing pain to the loves of my heart, it made me believe that I would sacrifice my going home and staying in my pain to be a good mother to them. I remember a change in my thinking when I prayed and stated that if my children went before me then it was my destiny to be at their side to help them instead of being selfish enough to help myself. Don’t get me wrong, I was still ready to quit and die; it took a good year of visitations and talking it out with them, to make my love for them into them saving me. I was fearful that it would be hard, but I had always sacrificed as a mother for their sake. Eventually my wanting to end my life right now turned into a quest to stay alive long enough to give them and my grand children happy memories with me. I have since then made decisions to reduce my stress and anxiety and had a gastric bypass to make me healthier. This also helped move me from my depression. The real action that saved me from wanting to end it all came from being honest with my grown children and them being honest with me. And the statement that my 7 year old grand son made to me still keeps me on track. I had never told him about wanting to die, he knew of my health, and said he would pray to Jesus to keep his mamaw safe. Such pure love from my children and my grandchildren, pushed the selfishness out of me. Yes, I still have moments when the demons slip back in, but it is easier now to push them back out. I had found your site when I was searching for information on suicide a couple years back. And I am now hoping to give back by letting you peek into my mind and heart.
Lucy,
Thank you so much for sharing your powerful story. Your sharing will help others, I’m sure.
I’m grateful that you came back to this website to describe your process – both the heart wrenching pain, and how you moved through it, even with dark episodes, still. May your love and concern for your family – and, judging from how you’re taking better care of yourself, for yourself, too – sustain you and continue to give meaning to your life.
Very interesting perspective, thank you.
It feels weird to read this post now. I don’t mean weird in a bad way but like there is a message in here for me. I have been suicidal many times in my life and have survived an attempt but usually I can identify a particular situation or trigger. This time I feel I have no reason to feel this way. However it is so strong. The reason I say it is weird is that I wrote a message to my friend asking her: please give me reasons not to do it. Tell me why I should’t and why I must stay alive. I also felt the need to ask her if she loves me even when I feel this way. I wrote the message and didn’t send it. I am scared. I also feel it is kind of humiliating. I so need to hear her reassuring words.
People who have not battled depression to the depths of suicidal thoughts can’t really grasp it. The fact that I know at any time I can stop this, and have an exit plan helps me go on. When it was really bad I had a kit already to go…but I got rid of that years ago. Now just the knowledge is enough. Then when times get really rough I do the same thing anyone in a 12 step program does. I can hang on for 5 minutes. I can do this for 15 minutes. I break it down to doable increments. Then the urge and the need gets smaller and smaller. The best thing is that something always happens that makes you say “I am glad I didn’t then.”
The only thing that stops me is leaving my wife and daughter behind being left to deal with my selfish act ,but to me I feel I am a burden to them and every one else. I get so fed up with being told there is help out there crap every time I phone places that say we care don’t they just say we cannot help you but here is another number for you to call ,they will help it’s like a never ending circle of numbers. I have been assessed by four different mental health teams ,and all they have told me is I have a cluster B ,and sign me off. I also have depression and anxiety, and stress ,and I am told I am fit to work ,I struggle to even get up and push myself to go out ,I try hard to want to go out ,to work I used to love working ,but years I have been fighting a lonely battle where I hear voices see people who are not there and still no one wants to help so ending my life seems like a good idea and one I am fighting even now to keep my sanity ,I want out and I do not want to do it but it seems endless .
Michael, I’d bet that if you ask them whether you’re a burden to them the response would be something like: “Well, there are times I’d gladly kill you myself – – but then most of the time I know I love you and I know that you love us so it’s all worthwhile.”
Maybe it’s hokey, but I take the approach of “Hang in there for an hour, if not an hour, try for 15 minutes, if not try for 5, if not try for just one more minute.” Look at your family and know how much they mean to you and just try! If you don’t think you’re worth it, you are – – to them!
Nothing stops me in particular. I can’t say, “I am alive because…” I don’t have any real reason. I’ve attempted suicide and died and been brought back. There isn’t anything there. Nothing to be afraid of. There is just nothing and that’s what I want after this life. Nothing. To cease to exist. I do believe I will eventually die by suicide. It’s okay. I’m not going to kill myself today or tomorrow. Probably not next month. I’m still busy living, but I’m not afraid to die.
If only I could be assured that there really is nothing there! NOTHING!!
Jean, I hear you. i, too, would love to just be asleep in nothingness. I actually do believe there is more life than this one, but either way, I kind of resent having to be here. I’m just glad that there is a finite number of years here. Sooner or later, it will be over.
And, I’d like to add my opinion about people who say they don’t understand. When I ask people why they actually stay alive, they will claim to “love life”, but I think it’s really more that they fear death. I remember a friend who was miserable, and she surprised me when she said she loved life. I said “Then why do you live such a sh#tty one?!” Seriously! I make a conscious effort to make my life the best it can be BECAUSE I don’t love it. If I didnt, it would be intolerable. I don’t believe that people who are sabotaging themselves ‘love life’. That’s not love. Also, She admits she does fear death, something I also do not understand.
To me, a miserable life is much worse than death.