“I want to kill myself.”
Those five words are a shock to hear, a dreadful pronouncement from a friend or family member you do not want to lose. You recoil at the thought. How could they want to die?
As unwelcome as those words are to your ears, your loved one has handed you a gift. He or she is letting you in. By telling you they want to die, they are giving you the opportunity to help.
What you say next is very important. It could lead to your friend or family member letting you in even more – or shutting the door. Understandably you are full of emotion, and you might have many thoughts, some helpful, some not.
Here are 10 common responses that can discourage the person from telling you more. First, a caveat: In general, these statements can convey judgment and foster alienation. But, depending on the context, some people might respond positively to at least some of these responses.
- “How could you think of suicide? Your life’s not that bad.” Perhaps on the outside the suicidal person’s life does not seem “that bad.” The pain lies underneath. It can greatly help a suicidal person to feel understood. This sort of statement conveys disbelief and judgment, not understanding.
- “Don’t you know I would be devastated if you killed yourself? How could you think of hurting me like that?” Your loved one already feels awful. Heaping guilt on top of that is not going to help them feel soothed, understood, or welcome to tell you more.
- “Suicide is selfish.” This inspires more guilt. Two points are important here. One, many people who seriously consider suicide actually think they are burdening their family by staying alive. So, in their distressed, perhaps even mentally ill state of mind, they would be helping their loved ones by freeing them of this burden. Two, isn’t it a natural response to excruciating pain to think of escaping the torment? (I write more about this in my post, “Is It Selfish to Die in a Tornado?”)
- “Suicide is cowardly.” This inspires shame. It also does not really make sense. Most people fear death. While I hesitate to call suicide brave or courageous, overcoming the fear of death does not strike me as cowardly, either.
- “You don’t mean that. You don’t really want to die.” Often said out of anxiety or fear, this message is invalidating and dismissive. Presume that the person really does mean that they want to die. It does more harm to dismiss someone who is truly suicidal than it does to take someone seriously who is not suicidal, so why not just take everyone seriously?
- “You have so much to live for.” In some contexts, this kind of statement might be a soothing reminder of abundance and hope. But for many people who think of suicide and do not at all feel they have much to live for, this remark can convey a profound lack of understanding.
- “Things could be worse.” Yes, things could be worse, but that knowledge does not inspire joy or hope. I compare it to two people who are stabbed, one in the chest, one in the leg. It is far worse to be stabbed in the chest, but that does not make the pain go away for the person stabbed in the leg. It still hurts. A lot. So even if people who think of suicide have many good things going for them, even if their lives could be far worse, they still experience a seemingly intolerable situation that makes them want to die.
- “Other people have problems worse than you and they don’t want to die.” True, and your loved one may well have already considered this with shame. People who want to die often compare themselves to others and come up wanting. They may even feel defective or broken. Comparing them to others who cope better, or who simply are lucky enough to never have suicidal thoughts, may only worsen their self-condemnation.
- “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” I do know people, especially teens, for whom this statement was tremendously helpful. It spoke to them. But it also communicates that the person’s problems are temporary, when they might be anything but. In such a situation, a realistic goal for the person might be to learn to cope with problems and to live a meaningful life in spite of them. The other problem with this statement is it conveys that suicide is a solution – permanent, yes, and a solution. At a minimum, I recommend changing the word “solution” to “act” or “action,” simply to avoid reinforcing that suicide does indeed solve problems.
- “You will go to hell if you die by suicide.” Your loved one has likely already thought of this possibility. Maybe they do not believe in hell. Maybe they believe the god they believe in will forgive their suicide. Regardless, their wish to die remains. Telling them they will go to hell can exacerbate feelings of alienation.
Again, any or all of the thoughts and emotions above may come to you. It doesn’t mean you are wrong or bad to have such reactions.
After all, you are human. You may feel angry, hurt, betrayed. You cannot control the thoughts and feelings that come to you. You can only control what you say or do in response to your thoughts and feelings.
When someone discloses suicidal thoughts to you, your words and actions can help the suicidal person to feel less alone and, as a result, hopeful. Good questions to ask yourself are, “How can what I want to say help this person? How can it do harm?”
Your answer may mean the difference between the person feeling judged and even more alone – or accepted and understood.
What If You’ve Already Said the “Wrong” Thing to a Suicidal Person?
I suspect that if I stopped this post here, I would receive frantic emails from people who already reacted in ways that were not especially helpful or understanding. Their fear and anxiety may have spilled out when they heard their friend or family member express a desire to die.
That fear and anxiety are understandable. So are the reactions above. But what to do when what has been said cannot be unsaid?
My advice? Try again. Go back to the person and say that you realize you did not respond helpfully, that you are frightened by the possibility of their dying by suicide, but you want to set aside your fears and understand better their wish to die so that you can be a listening ear, a partner in their struggle, an ally who helps them feel less alone and hopeless.
And then it can be helpful to ask some of the most important words of all, “How can I help?”
–
UPDATE 10/3/2017: I just discovered another post, written before mine, with a list of 10 things to avoid saying to a suicidal person. It’s an excellent list, and I recommend reading it at purplepersuasion.wordpress.com/2014/04/09/ten-things-not-to-say-to-a-suicidal-person/.
© Copyright 2015 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com
I agree with your opinion on most of the “Things Not to Say” in your list, except #9, “Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem.” It has been helpful in my life and in others that I know. It’s shorthand, to be sure — meant to make the person stop ruminating for a moment and consider the riddle — and in that it has worked wonders in my experience. But I think it should be followed with a bit of explanation.
Psychologist Viktor Frankl, recalling his time in the concentration camps, the experiences of prisoners, and his work with over twelve thousand depressed patients after World War II, many of whom were contemplating throwing in the towel because they felt a reason to live was all but non-existent, had this to say, which I think hits the mark well :
‘What accumulated was quite a store of experience from which I still draw whenever I am confronted with someone who is prone to suicide. I explain to such a person that patients have repeatedly told me how happy they were that the suicide attempt had not been successful; weeks, months, years later, they told me, it turned out that there was a solution to their problem, an answer to their question, a meaning to their life. “Even if things only take such a good turn in one of a thousand cases,” my explanation continues, “who can guarantee that in your case it will not happen one day, sooner or later? But in the first place, you have to live to see the day on which it may happen, so you have to survive in order to see that day dawn, and from now on the responsibility for survival does not leave you.”’
— Frankl, Viktor E.. Man’s Search for Meaning (p. 142). Beacon Press. Kindle Edition.
All of these comments in the list are various forms of emotional abuse. Just wait until the suicidal person gets to the point where they no longer care what you think about them (cowardly, ungrateful, selfish, etc) Calling them these can even push them straight into doing the deed. Example: “If this is the way you’re going to treat me, then the depression was right. I AM better off dead.” Every word we speak will come back to bite us in the butt. So choose your words carefully. You will live with whatever consequences come from them for the rest of your life.
My older son recently visited my mother at her home for her birthday. He and his girlfriend shared that while there, he had opened up about dealing with suicidal thoughts. His girlfriend then informed me that my mother’s reply was, “Well, I guess you should’ve been a better shot!”. I point this out because often times, we try to inject humor and sarcasm into these sorts of situations trying to lighten things up a bit, but forget that 1) the person is in a state of reflection and trauma, so it will be misinterpreted, and 2) that humor and sarcasm are often misinterpreted in even the best of times, and unless absolutely sure, in talks of this nature, it seems best to forego the humor and sarcasm. We must also remember that we’re not Superman or Jesus and cannot fix or save anyone. We CAN relate and empathize with them, though, and often times, that plays out by simply being still with the person, listening, and making sure that person KNOWS you are listening, you are processing what they’re saying, that you understand what they’re saying, and that you empathize with their situation, then showing compassion to that person. You CERTAINLY don’t mock and dismiss their vulnerability and openness like my mother did!!!
So many years later, but still an issue.
I want this pain to end. I see only one way out. Trying to have an open conversation about this with anyone of any consequence is impossible. It’s shut down. Not only is the act itself viewed as selfish, just trying to talk about it is as well.
To be honest, I’m not sure why I want to talk about it. Perhaps it is selfish. Maybe it’s the same sense of self preservation that makes it incredibly difficult to actually follow through, body literally shaking when trying to set things up. Or is it just wanting some understanding, compassion, before taking that final step? In any case, it’s just a road to more pain.
I wish I had read this before I had a conversation with a suicidal person, but on-balance the conversation turned-out well. I mostly listened and empathized over several hours. The person was distraught, bordering on hysterical when the conversation began, After a few hours, they were calm and said they felt much better, and started focusing on how they felt at the beginning. Then, the hysteria started all over again. We had gone full circle. At that point, I sternly told the person to STOP! “You need to stop this!” In that moment, it appeared to have “worked.” They stopped, and I redirected the conversation to more hopeful topics. They were in extreme physical pain from injury, had lost their job, and were feeling “defective.” Months later, medical procedures and physical therapy resolved their physical issues, they found a better job. I *thought* I handled it well, both at the time and then months later. After reading this, I’m not so sure.
The thought of killing yourself is not an easy thought to help have, but it is a thought that exist when you have or feel as though you have no purpose in this life. It is a thought that makes you feel sad inside, because you know that killing yourself is something that you must eventually do to rid the pain. It is a constant thought that is always there. Perhaps there is an answer out there but where?
This comment section is way to looooooong but yeah it is veeeeeeeery sad to see this reality
What CAN I say to someone who is speaking about suicide.
Mary,
The post 10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person answers that question. You can see it at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/2017/10/03/10-things-to-say/.
Tell me you want love me and say goodbye then get me the courage to follow through with it so I can quit hurting
for the first time in my life, i had thoughts of suicide last year, but somehow managed to cope up with them and start fresh for a new session. Now again, I am feeling suicidal.When it occured for the first time, I told my bestie but she replied,”if you ever wanted to, you’d be dead by now”. That day onwards, I stopped confiding in her. This time, I tried to talk about my depression to my mother, but it resulted in a bad argument. I have lost all my so-called friends, cuz’ i stopped calling and they never called back. I am stuck bad in life, I didn’t attempt suicide cuz’ i don’t want to hurt my family, especially my 6 year old brother, I always cry thinking how it will feel to him as he grows up listening of his sister’s suicide. But i don’t have any support. Although my parents are always ready to help, they never get me the right way.I just pray everynight not to wake up next morning.I used to be a brilliant student, but I am not able to study anymore, because of all this stuff in my head.This haunts and hurts the most, cuz’ I wanted to be a physicist. now I wish life to end soon.
I am so sorry to read about your pain. It is definitely a struggle right now. I came here because my teenager told me that I don’t get it and always say the wrong things. I encourage you to reach out to a support line (Text WELL to 65173 or call 888-692-9355
Text Hello to 741-741). Look for peers – they may not even be close friends but demonstrate good listening skills – and over time you may find one or two who you can confide in and lean on for support. It may not seem like it right now – but this time will end and you won’t always feel and be in this level of pain.
Dear K
I am sorry to hear you feel all alone. I wish so much I could meet you and talk to you and hear you. There was a girl fighting with demons in her head at our school, saw these quotes and found courage to start fresh: She had two younger siblings she loved so much and to live for. She is now stronger than ever. She has a purpose to help others who go through what she’s been through.
“The person who completes suicide, dies once. Those left behind die a thousand deaths, trying to relive those terrible moments and understand… why?”
“When you feel like giving up, just remember the reason why you held on for so long.”
There’s a reason why I came to this website. To find you and remind you what a beautiful person you’re to worry about your little brother in this challenging time. You will survive through this and will thrive!
Dear Sonya Clement, please read the 10 things not to say to people with suicidal thoughts above – especially #’s 2 & 3. You’re asking someone who is clearly depressed, feels alone and with no option but to kill themself, to ‘stick around’ and suffer so you and others won’t feel uncomfortable? Who’s selfish, now? By the way, how can you be certain that ‘K’ is even the person you think that ‘K’ is? Do you think people pouring out their hearts on a public website don’t want to be anonymous? Check my name and email after your read this. By the way there are many more things not to say to someone with suicidal thoughts or depression if you search the internet. I’ve seen lists of 25 things not to say, and that’s probably not a long enough list, but you could start by reading the list on this page.
Let me start by saying, this article, and the one on “what not to say….” Are a real eye opener. My husband is a manic depressant and has talked (and attempted) suicide. I have said many of the wrong things… And I wondered “WHY” he still confides in me. I will use the good ones.. And make sure that when I speak to him, when he has these thoughts, that I am as empathetic as I can possibly be. Thank you!
this helped a bit im 12 years old and I still want to commit suicide but my girlfriend and only a couple of friends and some staff of my school knows every single night I cry myself to sleep bc I am depressed and suicidal I don’t want my parents or any body who knows me to know that im like this I need serious help I cant get these thoughts off of my mind and they are getting closer and they are really starting to hurt me people say that I am important in this world and that I have a purpose in this world but then I ask them that what is my purpose how am I important in this world I feel like no one cares about me and I feel like im empty I just hate this feeling I don’t want to think about this anymore people always ask are you ok but then I say yes and im always hiding a smile and this always hurts when I know that people are thinking that im ok and that im happy even though im not ok and that I am always sad and always depressed there is no one I can trust I just don’t want to have feelings or any more I don’t want to be like this anymore no one has every tried to talk me out of killing myself but my friend daiden he is the only person who has stopped me from killing myself if it weren’t for him I wouldn’t have been here right now but he didn’t stop me from having the thoughts that I am having I really don’t feel like anybody cares I just feel like I don’t belong in this world im so sad.
Anonymous,
What you’re feeling is so sad and painful. But here’s the deal: you don’t want anybody to know how much you’re hurting, and yet you are hurt that they don’t care about how much you’re hurting. How can they show you they care if they don’t know?
Along the same lines, you want help not thinking this way but you don’t want your parents to know what you’re thinking. How can they know you need help if they don’t know what you’re thinking and how much you’re hurting?
It’s great your friend is helping you. It sounds like you also need help from others. Please consider telling your parents or another adult you trust like a relative or teacher or doctor. Please also consider calling the national hotline at 800-273-8255 or using the text line at 741-741.
You can get help if you let others help you!
This is so good, thank you for sharing this. I was near committing suicide when I was young and told my friend and she responded so very well, and was always there for me. Because of her, I’m alive today.
Cayana,
Thank you for sharing. I’m glad you’re still here!
Cayana,
Just out of curiosity what brought you to speaking of Suicide all these years later?
When I was reaching out to during a serious suicidal thought process….I was told that I am “the neediest person she knows” that I should “get a life” that I should stop posting on IG, FB and other SM. Refused answering the call when I called 3 times to talk. Never answered. Told I am the most selfish person who doesn’t think of anyone but myself.
This was my sister’s response.
In my my very ill-knowledged opinion, I feel like most things in this article are helpful but I feel like making the person empowered to do something is very important, they need to know their worth and value for them to be independent, I feel some of these things must be said to empower these individuals, as from my experience they’re down as they don’t feel like they belong in the world and they aren’t good enough for themselves or anyone else, and because of this they even malnourish themselves, and without being able to tell them they matter with such a quote as “you have so much to live for” it won’t allow them to think about their worth and that with work their situation will get better, and that with proper treatment and or procedures, etc. That they can function and that, if they do fall into this pit again, they can build themselves out of it, as I feel that these are individuals that are and have been broken and need and can be fixed but it’s up to them and their mindset and without them realizing what they can do, they can’t do it, no matter what other people say. I hope my point was clear and didn’t offend, but as I’ve said this is from my experience of a big dysfunctional family and a few close to me that are a bit broken as well.
Joe,
I appreciate your sharing your perspective. You’re right, the phrases listed in this article can be helpful to some; the delivery seems to be key. To say “You have so much to live for” can be dismissive and invalidating in many circumstances, but for some people it might be the reminder they need. That’s why I was careful to state up front, “In general, these statements can convey judgment and foster alienation. But, depending on the context, some people might respond positively to at least some of these responses.” From your comment above, you have a lot of empathy for people in pain, so your saying “You have so much to live for” might be very different from someone who says it as a means to avoid understanding.
Thank you for your response, I really appreciate it!
This is so very important. Especially in a country like India where topics like Mental Health are shoved under the rug. It is very important for us to take care that the topic of suicide is not downplayed and come off as insensitive. These tips are very useful and to be considered before talking to a person who feels suicidal.
We at IPH, Pune are fighting for the destigmatization of mental health issues.
thank you for posting
What about when your suicidal loved one was taken to the hospital because of her suicidal-ness? If she feels betrayed and like she’ll never forgive you? How can you work with her, assuming she allows you to, when something she asks is inadvisable? When she feels a lack of control in her life is a contributing factor and you took it away by calling the police? What resources are out there for spouses of suicidal people? (Good resource, that is. )
Since my friend committed suicide despite our conversations, I may not be helpful in how to intervene. But it seems to me, that it is the belief that the pain will not diminish and the situation will not improve in the future that motivates suicide. If the person enduring the pain can be convinced that the future holds promise that they cannot see whilst in their present state, then they will have justification for continuing to live, and suffer, while working toward or waiting for the coming reprieve. In my friend’s case, I was not able to convince him that there was a future, in which he’d look back on the present, and be pleased that he had not killed himself.
I have lost my ability to function. Can’t even take a shower or even coordinate going to a store , eating I feel like I’m living prepared to die. I have three kids but all I think is I want to die. I spend the whole day on my phone searching for suicide tips. My family are supportive but mind is not supporting. Wish I do not feel this way but I’m really feeling that way.
I feel your pain everyday of my miserable life. My family is not at all supportive and tell me the classic lines like just get over it/ it could always be worse. They don’t understand I can’t easily flip the switch. I have four boys, one is grown and 3 are with me. If it weren’t for them I would be gone. I worry about them, where would they go, my family basically pushed them to the side like the black sheep family member, who is me. I tried many times to end it, but guess what, I even failed at that.
I have a friend who has considered suicide numerous times. He is 13 and he has had to call the hot line 10 times. His family has tried psychiatrists and other methods. I am friend, what can I do to help him.
How if after I ask how could I help you, he said ‘doesn’t know that is why I deserve to die, I’m better dead.’ What should I say again ????
this is not a safe or helpful approach, in fact it causes fear to the reader of how to react. Whoever wrote this should find a better approach to sharing if they got experience and ideas on how to help the situation with a desperate person. But honestly as I read this The guilt is being transfered to the reader before he/she even gets started with a person who needs help
I agree with author…drs and clinics who leave only a voice on a dead telephone line for suicidal patients ARE guilty of malpractice towards their wards. Phoning in treatment and care are what we are so good at and does nothing to help at all. Cookbook medicine I call it…and the majority of care in America use the process. It is not helpful. More attention to pain levels and lose the judgementalism over somatic complaints. Who are you to judge?
My husband wants to die. He lost his job 3 years ago and has no income of any kind. He feels worthless, useless. He has 2 boys from past relationships. One we have no contact with because of death threats against us and the other, his mother ties him up so tight with activities, we never see him. He lost his mom, his best friend to cancer at a young age and lost his dad in December to Parkinsons. He hasn’t slept a good night’s sleep in several months. He has insomnia and has since he was young. He feels like he has no reason to live. He’s lost his interest in everything. His hobbies, travel, family, friends, church, me. He goes to bed at 3 in the afternoon because he doesn’t want to be awake. He has threatened suicide several times in our 8 years together, but he is extremely miserable and mean this time and adamant that it will happen. I have heard that here where we live the wait list is long to get admitted to a ward where he could get help. He is also refusing to see our family doctor or to talk to anyone about this. He says “nothing will change. There is no changing the years of stuff in my head that haunts me day and night. Get a plan in place so that when it happens you’re prepared.” I am scared and very sad that his life has come to this point. I don’t know how to help him. He won’t listen and gets so angry when I mention that he should see someone. How do I get him the help he needs when he doesn’t want it?
How to cope with someone that is suicidal. The wife get blame for it because i would say how could you hurt your family.i need some answer
Thank you. I heard almost all of the statements you highlighted on what not to say. I thank you, again for your article on awareness and how to support individuals suffering in silence.
Some people are moved powerfully by music. I can’t think of a better song to share with a friend. This song came out of nowhere and this place came up as a place to share.
The Creatures – Say
I am afraid my daughter is going through a depression phase. I think it is because her boy she broke up with died in a car accident just after they broke up. His parents blame her and I think she blames herself as well. She now speaks of dying and taking her life because she is unhappy and disappointed. I dont know how to deal with this. I tell her I love her but she says nobody loves her. I think she is blaming everyone around her for the way she is feeling. I am scared she is going to do something to herself. This accident happened about 3 years ago and she is still battling. What do I do?
Lee-anne,
What you describe is so frightening, both for your daughter and for those who care about her. Counselors at the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline can help you problem-solve how to best help your daughter. You can call them at 800-273-8255. Or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741.
When was the last time you called the suicide hotline?
Gordon, I assume you’re asking because you had a bad experience? Please keep in mind that all hotlines are different, and so are all hotline counselors. If you had a bad experience with one, it doesn’t mean you’ll have a bad experience with them all.
First of all it’s not her fault that her x died in the accident it was a accident . And his family is just putting the blame on her and not their son once again it was a accident. Not intentional. Your daughter needs to focus on her and her wants and needs and goals I’ve been battling depression for some yrs it does get better I promise you it does I go through rough times and the thoughts come back but in the end it’s always better I talk to people when I get down it helps I can’t talk to my parents or friends they don’t understand I can tell counselors anything and they know how I feel or know where I been and in my head at the end of the conversation they can’t judge me because they don’t know me on such a more personal level I tell them my feelings and they listen no matter how many times I say the same thing . I hope this helps thanks ck
There was never much love in our family, and a true dislike of me since my birth. So I was not shocked when after my parents death, my sister’s gave me their blessings for suicide saying my life truly sucked. So will they defend my action when I’m gone?
Thanks
I have a friend who had told me that he is planning to end his life. The reason behind it is that hes got impotency due to taking steroid back in the day to bulk up. He’s now 40 and has also severe depression passed on via family. He’s currently 40 and hes seen a doctor they are not giving him much options. He’s even gone on the dating site to meet a girl the reason is to meet someone whom he can leave all his possessions to. I am very upset i dont know what to do or how I can help him. He is very hopeless and keen on doing it when he goes on a trip.
Anni,
The only thing that we really can do, is to hang on. Don’t let go of him, don’t stop talking with him. The things he say are bound to be very very painful, and he may even be offensive and seem to be trying to drive you away. If he’s keen on offing himself during a trip, then it’s likely that he also is trying to minimize relationships in general, and he might try to distance himself from you and your relationship by insulting you or otherwise driving you away. Don’t let him do it. Even if he dies by suicide after all, you will have been his friend all the way through, and that offers a comfort that can never ever be matched.
I still want to die?
Amelia,
I’m very sorry to hear that you still want to die. It can take time for suicidal thoughts to resolve. For some people, suicidal thoughts never really go away and they learn how to not be controlled by them.
Whatever your situation, it’s important to get help from a professional, minister/rabbi/imam, friend, family member or someone else who can give you support. Being alone with your suicidal thoughts can give them more power over you.
You also can use one of the hotlines or other resources listed at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Hugs Amelia,
Are you aware of what would have to change so you wouldnt feel that way? What do you need?
When I felt that way a good friend came over and literally spoon fed me soup everyday for two weeks because she also noticed I wasnt eating. I felt stupid but also relieved that she cared that much. Turns out that was what I needed….to know I mattered to someone.
Learn to recognize those people that are sincere.
When most friends walk out the door the real ones walk back in.
Some people just arent safe to share your story with IMO.
So many just arent in touch with their own feelings enough to be in touch with yours….but there are some and they will know you well enough to figure it out. Maybe they will just wash your hair or spend hours combing it while talking or help you get dressed. Take you for a massage ….this is also something that you could do for yourself. Slow little steps that bring you back help.
Therapy is good but 90% of the time we’re alone right? So don’t fight your real friends….let them help. I know its embarrassing sometimes but try to learn to let go to it..
same here b, wanna talk on ig
Amelia,
I am but just a stranger to you. I understand what this feels like. I am sending you love, from my heart and the universe. Somewhere in the world, a person cares, me. Although we’ve never met, I send you love.
I am living through the aftermath of a recent suicide “attempt”.
My wife and I have been having relationship problems for some time now. Not long ago when I had expressed my suicidal thoughts, she called me a liar. Then she went on to tell me I am a coward and a pu**y if I didn’t do it.
I use quotes around the word attempt because I held a gun to my head in front of my wife and told her “I wanted my brains to go all over her and perhaps even an eyeball”. It was more of a frantic and momentary deep contemplation of dying and anger at my wife than an actual attempt because no shot was ever fired and even though I made it through the ordeal, the law was called and I spent the next 24 hours being stared at like a monkey in a zoo by everyone who came through the ER. They even put me in a special color scrub uniform to announce to everyone there that I was suicidal putting even more of a spotlight on the shame, guilt, depression and feelings of hopelessness that I was already struggling with.
I spent an involuntary week in a Psych ward which to me was just punishment for having felt the pain I was feeling. They gave me meds. I felt better for that week and the week after.
I noticed that I didn’t have as much social anxiety as I once had. I was talking to strangers in stores. It was like I was out of my shell for the first time in decades. I told my wife how happy I was feeling and that I believed the meds had definitely helped. She looked at me and laughed and told me “nothing has changed, you are still as screwed up as you were before you went in”.
That statement brought me down so hard. It has been a full week since then and I still haven’t rebounded. The meds don’t seem to be effective at all and my psychiatrist won’t see me until January. The mental health clinic literally told me to go back to the emergency room to have my meds adjusted, which would mean another $20K+ visit to the psych unit…
My wife isn’t the creator or only cause of my mental pain nor the only reason I sometimes feel so tired, so mentally fatigued that I want to sleep and never wake up. She certainly has added to my pain however. I have 2 children, one with her. I want to stay for my children, but regardless of doctors and parents, more than anything I have needed the support from my nuclear family and it has not been there at all, if anything it has been the opposite. I am on such a roller coaster.
Someone encouraged me to kill myself, then not only called police when I took action, but also spread word through the community of my crisis. She provokes me to anger, then audio records my responses and plays them to everyone like she is a victim of some kind and that I said things out of the blue to her unwarranted. She plays clips for the neighbors.
She had me move her and the whole family over 1000 miles from my home and threatens to kick me out of her house here knowing I have nowhere to go here.
Despite all of this I am still trying to work things out with her, but she only has the support of people who encourage her to kick me out and agree with her about what a horrible person I am.
I am in therapy, at least signed up for it, but I don’t think she wants me to get better. I honestly think she wants me to die so she can pretend she was never apart of my pain and she and her family can make fun of my death like they do everyone else that has died this way…
I met others on the ward that are also suicidal. It is good and bad to know there are others struggling with this “demon” too, not just me. I don’t feel quite as isolated as I did before.
I just wish the people in my life would at least try to be part of a solution instead of just heaping on more burdens while I struggle with this pain.
Man some people are just jerks. You may love your wife but she is toxic. Time to look after yourself. Do not let her push you to do suicide. She is manipulating you. Looks like she wants you to leave one way or the other. Step away. Be there for the kids but you can’t keep putting the kids through this mess either its not healthy for them.
Someone in NM,
The relationship you’re in, and the pain you’re experiencing, sound excruciating. I’m so sorry.
Does the hospital you went to have a support group? It might help you to talk with others who “get it.” If you’re on Facebook, there are also several large, private Facebook groups for people who have attempted suicide, such as Suicide Attempt Survivors: You Are Not Alone and Never Alone: Suicide Attempt Survivors Support.
Also, going to the ER to have your meds adjusted doesn’t necessarily mean you will be re-admitted. It depends on how much of a danger you pose to yourself or others.
You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 to talk with someone immediately, or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. Both are available 24/7. I list other places, too, where you can get help by phone, email, text, or online chat at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I’m so sorry for what you’re going through. I was just thinking about my son and what could have stopped his death, and what could stop other deaths. A web search brought me here. From what I read, you don’t have the support you need. I can’t help but to wonder where your mother is in this.
My son was “not” the suicidal type. Not one bit. Something took him to his limits that night. You see, he married a woman with 5 children. He loved them, they loved him. But he was driven to his death.
I can’t explain the excruciating pain, the horror of all horrors, the utter torture it’s put me through, not for myself, but for what he went through, and then to die. I would give my life in a second to undo what happened to him.
Please find the right support. It’s urgent that you do.
Kathleen,
I’m so sorry about your son’s suicide. With just a few words, you convey your pain very powerfully.
Thank you for offering support to “Someone in NM.” You put it very well: “Please find the right support. It’s urgent that you do.” Indeed.
I hope you are able to receive support, too. If you haven’t already, please check out resources that I’ve posted for people who have lost a loved one to suicide, at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#survivors.
1: “Go eff yourself.” Followed by getting up and leaving without saying anything else.
2: “Like I care anymore.”
3: “Yup.”
4: “No doubt.”
5: “I really do.”
6: “I really don’t.”
7: “Yeah, I know, that’s the whole point.”
8: “So? Also, those people are morons.”
9: “How many ‘temporary problems’ last decades?”
10: “I’m a piece of ess who’s going to hell anyways.”
Thank you for this information. I know a few self harming people that, if they ever say they want to commit suicide I might not know what to say or how to help. This webpage will help me with that.
Waltronus,
I’m glad the post was helpful to you. Thanks for letting me know!
You have a beautiful, and accurate understanding of this difficult problem. Your words lend credibility and compassion to a situation that is maligned, misrepresented, and generally feared. Please keep writing, your words and comprehension hold a lot of hope.
Denise,
It’s very kind of you to share that feedback with me. I sometimes receive hostile responses to my work from people who think suicide should not be prevented, so the supportive responses mean a lot. Thank you.
I am really scared to tell my parents my thoughts and that I’m depressed I’m scared on how they would react ?
If not comfortable talking to your parents is there someone else like an aunt or uncle or family friend? They could help mediate with you and parents.
If you’re suffering with suicidal ideation just tell them that. I suffer with immense suicidal ideation but don’t want to commit suicide. But the obsessive thought of it is SO overwhelming it can cause every relationship I have to break down. The best method is to just tell them outright about your thoughts. There is no shame in it at all. It’s a perspective you have on the situation, they will perceive it differently to you. Good luck
It’s common to be afraid, but I hope you will do it anyway, even with your fear. Many good things can come from telling your parents – they can help you by listening and understanding, they can get you professional help, they can help you to feel less alone. Of course, it could go another way, too, but if you’re already depressed and having suicidal thoughts, asking for help seems worth the risk.
You could also talk with a friend, or a teacher, or a doctor. And there are hotlines you can call or text, like the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, and the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. Both are available 24/7. I list other places, too, where you can get help by phone, email, text, or online chat at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I have been diagnosed with major depression disorder two months ago and was put in the hospital. I planned on getting a gun to commit suicide. The following month, I started to make myself bleed. Everything leads to my adoptive parents who disowned me for being gay. They no longer talk to me due to my being gay. I recently started to cut myself again and made myself bleed a little bit more. This same day, I was go to walk in the road to get hit. Then today I was told that I was a coward when I showed a friend my wrist.
Your adoptive parents are wrong, you are a very worthy person and until they realize that they do not deserve you. I know it is hard to believe right now but it will get better. As you explore the world more you will find many that will accept you for who you are. I am a mom and I wish I could do more then a virtual hug. But for now I hope this helps (hugz)
my mom told me two of the mentioned things; suicide is selfish and that it’s a permenant solution to a temporary problem. I was already extremely upset, because of another issue, i asked my mom to talk, and I told her how I feel like a screw up and no one likes me anymore, how I’m always excluded and I do the things I do for attention, then she proceeded to tell me I’m not those things and I just made a bad mistake, that she did the same thing, then I openly said ‘You know I wanna kill myself, right?’ and then she responded with ‘Do you wanna repeat that? If you do, I’ll call the cops and have them lock you up. Is that what you want?’ (remember I’m already upset) She continues by saying “suicide is a selfish thing, do you not understand how that would affect me and your family?’ and I just sat and listened, knowing she would cut me off if I even tried to talk, and she continued on saying ‘suicide is just a permenant solution to my temporary problems, and then asked me if I had started cutting again, and I told her ‘no, i haven’t.’ but in all actuallity I have, I originally only had 20 something scars on my thighs, now its over 40. It hurt me more to hear her try to console me and then leave like nothing happened, she didn’t ask if I needed help or if I needed a therapist, so after she left i continuously cried for 3, almost 4, hours.
Idk what you are going thru but whatever it is I hope you can get thru it. If you ask me, saying suicide is selfish is just heartless and ignorant, it’s coming from a point of view that is not in a position to want to commit suicide. It’s not a considerate thing to say and doesn’t even help you. Like if you think it’s selfish, you’re probably a happy enough person to see it that way. If you DO want to commit suicide, you’re probably not in a good place and need some help in any form. And these MFer’s instead of helping you cope with it, overcome it, or hell even just give you some hope that it’s going to be ok, they say instead think of other people. SMH man, people can be so heartless. My Dad always would tell me the same thing, so I know what that must feel like for u. U have to understand some people go thru way more than other people. Some people never have any SERIOUS problems in their whole life! and so they always see suicide as weak, or selfish etc. They don’t have enough self awareness to realize that you don’t become suicidal just to get attention or provoke people, you actually don’t have anymore hope and can’t see any other way out. And so they say stupid shit like that. So take it with a grain of salt. BTW, you can’t use cutting as a way to cope with the pain cuz think about it at 50 you’ll look like Freddy Krueger down there haha! Try to find some way to help with the pain that won’t leave YOU feeling even more upset, not other people. I recommend music and yoga 🙂
Cheers
What pisses me off is when you tell people of your struggles and they don’t give a damn.
True friends true family help each other. Saying I’ll have you locked up or I’ll stop associating with you…. They don’t give a damn.
Sometimes knowing someone is suicidal is just too much to bear. Other times there are issues they have that may make it too close to home and that means there’s nothing left to give. Believe me…please..it’s not always the way it seems on the outside and there is always an alternative to the permanency of suicide. It just takes small steps till you find love and support. Wait for it please. Good luck to anybody that is going through this. Know you are precious to someone and find them. So worth it.
I’m a burden to my young adult children. They blame me for holding them back. My depression is so annoying to them and they just get angry with me. I have to walk around on eggs shells. They will be so better off without me, but I am terrified to take my own life. Because of my severe depression I have developed numerous health issue. I wish that one my illnesses will just take my life so I won’t have to. I have lost my will to live. I feel I have nothing left to live for since my kids now resent me. I have a lot of assets that I will be leaving them, but everything is so disorganized. I’m afraid my evil ex- husband will come in and take everything. I don’t know what to do. I’m stuck.
Lotus, I’m so sorry that you are feeling this way. My name is Jack, I went on this website to seek advice as well for my sister. You are not alone. You can always call +18002738255 to talk to a suicide prevention professional. It’s free and confidential. I hope that we all can get through this.
Two nights ago my daughter spit in my face three times and screamed horrible things at me. She told me , “I hope you die!!!
Two nights ago my daughter spit in my face three times and screamed horrible things at me. She told me , “I hope you die!!! So I took a handful of sleeping pills, but I still woke up the next morning. Seems I can’t do anything right.
I plan to commit suicide, because I am tired of telling people(my family) to help me.They only laugh and go on with their lives as if they don’t care if I die or live. It’s the holiday season and I live alone, but I have family who do not care about my cries for help
Debra, you must be feeling a lot of pain. If you want to talk to a professional,1 800 273 8255 is listed as the number for the National Suicide Prevention Hotline.
Jesus more people should look at this fracking site because for real, so many- too many people say things like this at my school. They should know that I hate hearing these things. It’s annoying. It makes things worse.
You made me laugh, that laugh full of despair that I’m starting to feel accustomed to, because almost every single phrase you cited, despite myself, I already knew would be the worst to hear (’cause yeah, I’m ill but I’m not an idiot, neither a masochist) I heard almost all of them from the one who was most important to me and who I trusted the most, and then, then that person just got surpassed by fear not just at that moment but for more than six months, and so they got stressed, stopped trying, show it and let me down, and yeah I have to understand it and how natural it was, I always have to understand, understand everything and everyone ’cause I was also scared and know how it feels, but then, what?, what?!, I was devastated, I just… just wanted their metaphorical hand to hold mine even if everything was lost, even if I’m going to die, even if I am a fucking errror that can’t be cured…, I was also a human, wasn’t I?, ah, damn, it hurts, yet, thank you very much for realizing all of those phrases and talking about this, finally, I knew that some rational parts of myself are not damaged, that all the things you listed and explained aren’t just my sick brain giving excuses in the form of rational thoughts which I already don’t know if I can trust or not…, it still is so hearthbreaking, but, it’s good, I hope it helps others.
I’m still in deep pain and scared, I know I won’t find help, and obviously more even won’t have it to find a proper way to die, and yet as you said, I have to find a way to do it in a way that won’t represent a nuisance for others (and yet I’m the selfish bastard in society’s eyes) all alone, despite I know no matter what I’ll do I will still be the worst of scum, ’cause that’s what people like this are to everyone, and it’s not their fault, it’s just that there isn’t a good education about mental health so there are a lot of taboos and people don’t know how to react properly, I got it, but sometimes you know, I feel that I shouldn’t care and just destroy this body already no matter how as long as I cease to be a nuisance.
You know, the first time I heard that laugh, it terrified me, it was worse than tears, it meant something more terrible and I was capable of understanding it, is so scary to be aware and conscious of how my mind is broken and how it is and that no matter how hard I try I can’t help me, it stills terrifies me but I have to live and die in this despair, I know everything’s doomed since I couldn’t help my own self, the only thing in this world that was mine and I couldn’t even protect it…. haha, I’m such an error till the end, huh?, sorry, I just got carried away, I know I may be something awful to read, sorry and thank you again, for explaining all of that.
I wanted to live, to be happy, I was human, truly, everyone was, everyone is.
By the way, people don’t like to feel as if they are some kind of anomaly, it is so horrible to treated as “the crazy one”, more when such treatment and words comes from people who are important, I’d only add that.
good to know
I want to die. My wife is a narcissist and only considers herself. She is a complete self-referential know it all. She never “hears” me and I am so empty and lonely inside. I feel like it really may be that death will be my new bride.
Hey man, you’re a step closer to overcoming the situation, you’ve identified the cause, now it’s just handling it, youre becoming more self aware and you’ve honed down what the issue is. With such an emotionally charged situation, it’s difficult to know what you need to do, I recommend watching charisma on commands YouTube video on how to be more self aware, it really helped me, your life is worth more than you could imagine to the people that love you, I know you have goals in life, cling on to them and get through each day step by step.
Wishing you the best of luck in your journey through the happy, sad, weird, and wonderful voyage that is life.
New bride? Please dont leave
Familiar with suicides. Step granddaughter 20 yrs old six months b4 21st bday special ed. SON said wanna kill myself. I said Yyyy you’re young lotsa life ahead of you. Know once you’re DEAD you’re DEAD. He gets it now. I’m so glad.
that’s an AMAZING way to show love! *pff*
One thing I would like to add to this. While a promise of “It’ll get better, it won’t always be this bad,” can be helpful to some people, to others it is yet another empty promise that they can in no way trust, an empty platitude and a statement meant to make the current pain not matter. I promised myself long ago when people said it to me repeatedly that I would never use the tact of “this too shall pass.” Because for me, while certainly well-intentioned, it did much more harm than good.
are there places that will kill you if you ask to be? every day i find this life isnt for me and i have no purpose and I don’t have the caring anymore to even try, i hate the ppl around me in my house and around and i am stuck here. tried to get a shrink but that was a joke. his best solution is take a walk.. ya let a bi polar schizo take a walk when he’s pissed and hates the ppl here..
I’m Dead inside~What do I do , I absolutely refuse to go to the hospital because I’ve already been there 3 times and it only makes it worse ~
WOW your shrink told you to take a walk…. LMAO.
I laugh cause a counselor once told me the exact same thing.
“I’m like you get paid big bucks to talk to people? You don’t have many patients do you?”
I don’t have no college degree or diploma for that matter but it doesn’t take a rocket scientist to figure out the best way to help someone is to just listen. Sometimes someone else just listening can lift a huge burden.
If your response is to “Take a walk” my response is “Pick a new career cause you’re not helping anyone.
The best counselor to our problems is ourselves no one will ever understand you better than you. Finding the solution to your problem can be simple but the steps to get there may not be.
Yea, we’ve all been through tough times and that puts us in a fixed mindset that there is only bad to come and no good. If you are really determined to get out of the situation that you are in, I think a therapist would be a good idea. The way to thinking positively and living a better and healthier life is having an open mind. Therapy may take a while but it’s just like exercising, but instead of physically, it’s mentally. You are not alone. Tomorrow needs you!
I have BPD and my uncle knows that. I have PTSD and my uncle knows that. I have Bipolar and my uncle knows that. I got taken from my mom, my dad got deported, my brother died, my mom didnt try to get me and my little sisters back, I had to raise 2 little girls by age 8, I was depressed since then… knowing my mom chooses drugs over me! I try to tell my aunt how something as simple as my day was. Only when its bad. One day I told the truth. Instead of the usual ‘it was good’ I said how it really went! “I almost got into a fight with an 8th grader. She was cursing my name. Then she went too far and started making fun of my acne. I tried to ignore her but… I help others so i should help myself too! And so I turned around and told her to shut the fuck up and then I walked away.” I burst into tears! thinking if I hit her I would have got suspended but it would have been worth it. My aunt said,”Stop with your fucking crying shit! I know you just want ATTENTION!” I ran outside and cried. I wish I only did want attention. It would mean… none of what im feeling is real. I feel like I cant do anything right in her eyes… Im in 7th grade. During the summer, I went to a mental hospital for attempting suicide. Im grounded for a year… so far its been about 4 months. I could just kill myself and no one will care. I go on everyday thinking… Im useless, Ugly, Attention seeker, Unworthy, Stupid, and it would make me want to die every day. I want to tell my uncle and aunt about how I feel. My uncle is going to say I cause too much drama and my aunt is going to say I want attention. I just moved in with them in feburary!!!! They already see me in that way…. No one understands how hard I try to be who they want me to be. I am never myself. I feel that myself is ugly. i specifically try to be who my aunt wants me to be. Nothing will work. From doing everything an 18 year old would do… from cleaning the whole entire house with chemicals to clean it so clean it makes the tiny house look big. I take care of my sisters. A few days ago, my uncle realized that my aunt is putting me down for who I am. So yesterday he broke up with her. My aunt told me, she hasnt told my sisters yet. She said its not like I would care if they broke up or not. And she was saying how it was all my fault. I ran out of the house crying (the reason why I run out of the house to cry is because my aunt says my cry is ugly and that it is annoying cause she knows I want attention) Lately I havent been able to tell if im hungry or not. I forget to take my pills. I dont even want to take them. They dont work! I have taken them for 4 months! The doctor said it would take 2 weeks for them to work. My uncle said it might take 2 months. I have waited and waited! I am becoming inpatient. My uncle says I have to keep taking them or he cant adopt me and my sisters… does he even consider my health? I keep throwing up. I have been sleeping in classes. I cant tell when im hungry. This is all court mandated he says. No its not. Its his choice. My councilor is the one who helped me get the pills and she also took me to the hospital. I really want to tell them how I feel. HOW DO I DO THIS???
Wow kid! Sounds like you are way stronger and smarter than you give yourself credit for. Too much worry time. Not enough loving yourself time. Obviously you are strong and have a big heart to be there for your siblings. Maybe it may take time for doctors to get your medical right. That can be a frustrating road finding the right medical and mental help. Please hang in there. If the medicine isn’t helping keep telling the doctor until you feel like you can breathe normal again.
I did call a suicide prevention line . Two times actually. The first woman after about a minute replied…., I will call you right back …She never did . So I carried a house phone a full week with me never leaving my home. So I called again …The next lady said! after I tried to tell her what was I feeling ” we’ll wait a bit then call the police and let them evaluate you if you think you need admitted for help. Then hung up.
Anonymous,
That’s awful. I can only imagine how much more alone these experiences made you feel. I hope you were able to get the help you needed. Please check out http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp for other places you can contact by phone, email, text or online chat.
Just go to hospital, commit yourself as self voluntary but don’t expect them to help you – from what I heard hospital service down there are very horrible.
I’m probably going to kill myself soon. I’m not very articulate, but here I go trying to explain… I think it started in childhood. I’m a divorcee child of two ( what I think to be ) broken parents. I wish you could see how it really was. I hate that it has to come from my own personal bias, but I’ll try to portray how they were and how it effected me. My mom told me she wasn’t cared for much as a child. She wasn’t abused or anything, it just seems that they were not the nicest to her from what she told me. She was also molested as a child, so I think that plays a factor in her psyche as well. So as soon as she could, she got out of her house by marrying my dad. My dad is the biggest issue here. He’s a child. He’s vindictive and hateful, and openly bullied me since I was very very young. i.e. He used to make me smell his hat after a long days work and laugh about it, and still does if I bring it up to him. I know that that might sound not like much, but through all of his shit, like taking me to a professional haunted house as a kid and sneaking behind me ( also as a kid, like 4, 5 ) during scary movies and digging his fingers into me really hard and shaking and scaring me, really adds up.
So my mom and my dad did the most sensible thing and had a child for the sake of having a child ( in my opinion anyway ). They way they acted seems like they didn’t think about the profoundness of bringing a sentient being into existence. I’m not they’re property, I’m not there for them to solely live vicariously through, and I’m certainly not there for them to take their anger out on, but it certainly feels like it. My mom isn’t as bad as my dad, but her problem is that she’s still a child, but in her own way. After getting out of her parents house and moving in with my dad, things didn’t last too long after they had my sister, then me 5 years later. They fought a lot, although I don’t really remember much of it. They divorced when I was 4. My mom cheated on my dad and eventually just left him for the other guy. Note she also very much bragged about this to me and would later do the same thing for the next step-dad, and even right now, I think she’s cheating on my current step-dad. During my childhood she was always the best to me, but I see now how it was damaging. With my dad scarring me with his near-child-abuse antics, my mom sheltered me. A lot. If there was anything I didn’t want to do as a kid, she did it. I can see now that this made a rift in her, because she always used to tell me I’m selfish, because ( this is just my guess of her mindset ) she was finally able to get out and do her own things, as opposed to being restricted with her parents. She wanted to buy things and have fun on her own. But she also had a child that she wanted to pour everything into. I think this made her very divided, which resulted in her being overly-supportive in one instance, then coldly insensitive in others. I felt like a doll with her. She would buy things for me sometimes and dress me up, but she didn’t actually care about teaching me about life. My dad was worse, as I said before. With him I felt like the victim of bullying. I’m 23 now and stuck in my dad’s house with serious depression. He hates me because I can’t hold down a job. My mom who lives states away doesn’t understand anything even though she says she wants to help, but doesn’t actually do anything. I’ve begged for therapy for so long, but nothing comes of it. Either side doesn’t want to pay, they just think I should get a job and go out on my own so they can watch me from a distance with a smile. This has left me broken inside. My social skills are none to speak of. It’s hard. Very hard. My interactions with life feel like I’m a car with no tires screeching down the highway, and the only way it feels better is if I isolate and don’t interact with anyone. I just play video games all day. I try as hard as I can to escape my reality, but it always catches up to me.
In conclusion, I don’t expect any of you to convince me otherwise to not kill myself since I don’t really see how I could be fixed outside of the community gathering around me, years of therapy, and a new family.
But… here I am, I want help. I just don’t see many options for me when I’m struggling to get out of bed.
Sorry for the long post btw.
Well I can see that you ARE very articulate by how you expressed yourself. You sound like a sensitive, honest, intelligent person. Someone like you is exactly what is needed in this world. I know things seem quite horrible now and I get it totally. I was the child of divorced parents, felt like they never put me first, etc. I felt like I really didn’t want to live anymore at age 16. My grades dropped in school, I just wanted to be alone. However, time passes, and you do get a job, and then you start to gain some confidence along with friendships that are meaningful. You start to take better care of yourself and start to feel better. I won’t say that everything will be perfect, but life isn’t perfect for anyone. I struggle everyday with negative thoughts and low self worth, but I know that there are others who are struggling too, and much worse. I try to remind myself of the fact that I am here for a reason. I look out my window and try to enjoy nature. Seriously, just standing outside in the sun or under a tree can change your perspective, even if just for a moment. I see kids on TV with cancer and I think “my life could be so much worse” and then I feel thankful for my health at least. I also take anti-anxiety/depression medication and it has helped SO much. I was ashamed to take anything in the past, but my life is completely different on them and I am not ashamed anymore. Think about the wonderful possibilities you will miss out on, and the things that you can be grateful for…your intelligence, sensitivity, and insight.
I totally understand where you come from. After many years of all types of abuse and finally reacting in unappropiate ways as some seem to think. I found out my mother knew she had married a man who was a sexual predator. So I can’t stand who I have become.
Are you still alive Shane?
I just read everything you feel. I hope you see my reply. I’m 32 years old. and I live at home with my family . I have many things wrong with me. the things my father did to me as a young girl was scare me with the dark realm. I feel as if I’m being watched, and have a hard time being alone . but here the last few weeks , I can’t keep “I want to die” out of my head. I was diagnosed at 16 with anxiety,bipolar disorder, depression, and physcotic depression. I’m not even sure if my counselor can help me. I look at my family ,I have 2kids. and when we are having fun. in my head I am saying ,” I feel so bad for them” because I want to die. I hate feeling sad ,or like a dumb person. I’ve never done anything great. I can’t even drive nor never had a job. no friends. I don’t understand why there is constant thoughts. I just want to stop feeling like this. I can’t even control my anger , I have freak outs over the smallest things. sometimes I’m just blank, I see objects but it doesn’t register in my head that . ” it’s a chair” or it’s a spoon”. it just is. my mom and dad both have mental health problems. I’m still here. my coping was playing video games as well. I liked that world….. Christina V.
I don’t know what I’m doing, I’ve never commented on any of these sorts of sites, or really any site, before. I don’t even have Facebook…but what you’ve said sounds so familiar I feel like I have to say something. I’m not really sure how to properly explain what I’m trying to say, but those three words “near-child-abuse” strung together like that…you have to be able to decide for yourself what is and is not ok beghavior for someone to do to you. You’re an adult. You get to decide that their behavior is wrong. It doesn’t have to fit into traditional views of abuse. It took me so long to realize that what my parents do is emotionally abusive. Because I knew they were doing it out of love. If something’s done with good intent, it can’t be wrong? Right? If they don’t intend to be being mean, they’re just being childish, or immature. They don’t understand what their doing is destroying me from the inside out. But you have to recognize that it’s not ok. That feeling you get when they behave like that? You don’t deserve that. And you can label it however you want but the point is that you deserve to be able to surround yourself with people who want you to be happy, not by people who want you to fit their own standards of happy. I don’t know the whole solution, since I’m only 23 myself, and I’m still there too, but I will say the only moment it got better, for, like, a millisecond, was when I went to college. Not because college is awesome or something, I freaking hate it, but because I was no longer home. Being away from them made it difficult to ask their opinion on my thoughts. Made it difficult to hear them tell me my ideas were stupid or immature or not worth my time before I’d even decided on them myself. This buffer between my own thoughts and them was amazing. I was finally able to hear what I wanted. And I’d love to say I was able to find out what I wanted to do and who I wanted to be, but I haven’t been able to cut my line to my parents entirely. I’ll get an idea, pursue it, want it, be so sure it’s who I am, and become too confident that nothing can change that, and I’ll find myself commenting what I’ve been up to to my parents and it’s like water to the flame. Instantaneously I’m left floundering as they completely destroy any hope I had of thinking I’d had a good idea for once. So the best advice I can give, is to get away from them. Fully. I Know how impossible that is when you don’t have financial stability, it’s the main reason I’m forced to stay in contact with them myself, but that should be the goal: getting away from your parents and their emotional power over you. Once you can do that, everything will be so much better. I really believe that.
I am a 53 year old woman. I spent my life trying to be good and making my parents proud. I was left with a child molester everytime my parents wanted to go out. They would come home drunk and my dad would beat my mother. When I was 10, my parents finally divorced. When I turned 16 I turned to drugs. Pot, cocaine, ecstasy, and LSD. The first time I attempted suicide I was 16. I married, gave birth to 2 daughters, found out my husband was having an affair with my best friend. I left him. A year later I was raped and after slept with a loaded gun under my pillow. Had to move back home with my parents. Went through a lot of therapy and then attempted suicide for the 2nd time. Both times I was admitted to the hospital and put on medication. Finally, life calmed down. I met a wonderful man and after 11 years of being a single parent, remarried. 3 years after marriage he had no interest in being intimate. We went 9 years without intimacy and I remained faithful until I met the narcissistic sociopath. This person ripped my world apart and took away the first stability in my life I ever had. Within one month of us living together I found out he was seeing someone else which drove me to my 3rd suicide attempt. He knew what I did and told me he didn’t want to change my plans. He checked my pulse periodically to see if I was dead yet while I listened to him on the telephone chatting to someone about stealing my IRA and possessions. I was in such a state of shock from his telephone conversations, not to mention, on the verge of death and could not move. I was paralyzed and remember vaguely going to the bathroom and looking at myself in the mirror and thinking, this is what death looks like…. In and out of consciousness, I had dreams about my family members getting the news that I killed myself. I heard their screams, their pain and their agony, but it was too late, and he left me in the bed to die and only came in periodically to check my pulse to see if I was dead yet.i took the pills on a Friday night, July 4th. As I lay there waiting to die, I received some really cruel texts from his friends and girlfriends encouraging me to take more pills, cut my wrists, put a bullet through my head. ..long story short, I managed to text my daughter, and she came and got me out of there. I was Baker acted. Got back with him, but was since able to get a permanent restraining order. When I read about my life now, I realize I have had a pretty messed up life. I don’t know why I never told anyone. I still have problems every single day just trying to cope. I have anxiety, PTSD, depression, and all of my relationships will probably always fail. I wish I would have talked to someone years ago when all of this started. Maybe they could have helped me. I haven’t given up. I want to live. You have to talk to someone now. You have to let someone know what you have been through. You don’t have to go through this alone. Don’t think you are the one that is wrong. Get control now. Talk to someone. I wish I would have seen your post sooner.
Diana,
I’m so sorry about all the suffering you have endured. Your life story is both sad and inspirational – sad because of the pain, inspirational because you want to live in spite of it. Your story will powerfully help some readers here who see in your words hope that even amid much pain and several suicide attempts, the will to live can re-assert itself. Thank you for sharing.
Shane……….. all you endured growing up required a ton of coping ability. No one in your shoes could come away unscathed. Even so, you still have areas of your development that seem quite remarkable . You seemed to have developed empathy and sensitivity that are fine qualities. You appear intelligent, have a flow to your writing that is notably expressive, and exceeds most people’s ability.
You mentioned neither were willing to pay for therapy. Is medicaid available? Some insurances will pay for mental health issues. Are there education opportunities? You have abilities that could be tapped. Every one goes through a change between adolescence and adulthood where there is self-doubt, identity questions, finding out who you are: Analyzing where you have been, where you are, and making decisions of what to do and how to go forward. It is a normal part of life and a lot of confusion. Take one step at a time. If no other help than online therapy for issues like abandonment, bullying , and other stresses you have endured it could behoove to check them out and read how to get better. It is difficult to solve all your burdens at once. Take one at a time………warmly, Ms Claudia
It seems like I feel like exactly the same way you do~
My best friend knows that I have told about my suicide attempts all she says is just like what everybody else says”oh shut up your fine you don’t have it as bad as some people who have it way worse than you”
I think your best “friend” is not really a friend at all… If she really cared, she would at least try to listen to you.
My friend told me “If you really wanted to kill yourself you would have already done it.” And she disregarded the fact that I attempted suicide last month. I’m gonna try to commit suicide again in a few weeks. I’ve had enough. This is why people should think before they speak. Plus she didn’t know I was already planning it but her saying that makes me want to do it earlier…
Please don’t try it again. I understand the pain, as I have recently tried myself. You are not alone! Please reach out to someone else other than this “friend”.
hey, i want to die my life has no hope now ….I love a boy but my parents are not allowing me to marry him & forced me to marry some other person how could they think so..they only think about their social status, they forced me to marry some rich person they thought I will be happy with someone who has more money
Talk to ur parents about it they might understand or just talk to a relative or Friend
Broke, huge debts, business failing, nothing at all coming in, multiple disabilities, untreatable unmanageable pain episodes, no friends, no family, 69 years old, heart condition, 2 bad knees, bowed legs, pain with every step with cane, sold home, facing homelessness, out of cash, alone, will leave no one behind, terrible back pain from botched back surgery, burden on Medicare, no one cares if I live or die, etc…
I do.
Thank you for your insight. Admittedly, as a young adult I’ve said a few uninformed comments such as you’ve noted here. At 59 years of age I reflect on those comments and realize how pretentious I was. Here’s what I now know; we cannot expect rational behavior from a person who’s in an irrational state. Love, not condemnation is the response a person needs when they’re suffering pain we couldn’t fathom if we tried.
Carlette,
Beautifully said. Compassion instead of condemnation, and curiosity instead of judgment, can help someone who is suicidal.
Many if not all of us are fallible in our responses to a suicidal person. The idea is to be open to our mistakes, learn from them, and try to do better.
Thank you for sharing your wisdom and humility here.
Why would you you want to take your own life. Why you see i just want to go on with my life but the lying girls keep following me why because they are sick and have nothing to do with their own life and i was told to stay away from them but they keep coming back like little babys and will not leave me alone all i want to do is go on with my life and i do have a job and i have been working for over 2 years now and doing ok so why are they trying to hurt me all i have to say about i wish they would leave me alone. And stop with the brainwashing games The noise really hurts my cat as for me i use earplugs. And a headset as for my little cat she has to put up with the brainwash plus sometimes they put it so loud me and my cat sit at the window and listen to music
Who is thinking about taken their own life and why???
I do. I nvr loved myself as a child bc my mother hates me. I am now married to a beautiful young lady and I can’t even make her smile anymore. I tried to feel so I drink. I tell my friends but i now realize that I really don’t have friends. I have my wife’s friends. I nvr do anything right. I was even in school, i left school. I left my job bc i don’t have the confidence anymore. I nvr felt any good self esteem. I am ugly inside and out. My wife proves that to me with a whole past of cheating on me and already leaving me for a real man. I’ve been through many great death experiences but the big Man upstairs wants me to stay here like I’m his lifes instrument.
Today there is too much drive to be perfect. To succeed. You are encouraged to dream. These are lies when you tell people they can be anything they want to. They cannot! However our lack of personal PSA on TV are lacking. We should be telling everyone the truth. We must know as we should be a proud blue collar person and go for that if we hate sitting down. Not everyone is cut out for academics or easily accepts loss. The pain of some school,spouse or friend that changes our sensitive selves can be so devastating. Some homeless people are happy. Long term plans stress them out. They can live alone in peace without the work the outside world wants and they are unable to compete in. We have a way way way fast food college system that is broken by testing and scores and is simply ridiculous. What they have done in Texas is undermining our teachers to prep kids for school. People are not cut out for stupid attention isolating fb either. Its the Devil. I hate going to counselors they have never helped me. They all want you to walk in all chipper with the card you already faxed them a week ago and they are very unorganized sorry. I had one who was better when we were done!! Just know you are you. you are shamed. embarrassed. And feel lost and unloved. It is a bad feeling but go through through the pain. It really does pass and you know your real passion will follow it. You do not have to follow stupid rules!!!! Then you can love you more than their judgments!! Know your limits. you cant be a duckon the water. you cant fly so be human!!
I think of suicide a lot everyday but I haven’t plucked up the courage to do it yet and my daughter has been supportive but she is tired now and her kind words in the past have saved me but that kindness has gone now and she says a lot of the things you said and I found the comments people make do upset this
I don’t know what has happened but thank you do you think I should show this to my daughter?
I’ve been very depressed for the last few months and have started to think of suicide. I tried talking about it and had basically all these reactions thrown at me. Please, anyone reading this, do your best to listen. Don’t try to fix it, or blame the person, or make it seem like it’s nothing. Please just listen. Some contact, like holding a hand or something, could help. Instead most people react like these 10 things. Someone I care about and thought cared about me told me to just go ahead, it’s my choice. They ignored me. They cast it off like nothing. Told me if I’m not bleeding or hurt or need to go to the hospital then there’s no issue. I was destroyed. I still am. I’m desperately looking for answers. Why would they say that to me?
I know how you feel. I feel like i’m always the one giving advice and lending an ear to my family and friends. Yet, when its my turn to open up, my cousin shrugs and says “well i don’t know what to say.” Then keeps texting her bf and changes the subject. My aunt’s response was “your parents will cry for a few days, bury you in the ground and we will forget about you. Life goes on.” Why are the people who supposedly love us so cold? Who do we turn to for support when my own family is so indifferent? I’ve already attempted suicide. No one cared.
Melissa,
Others’ responses to you sound very painful. I hear all too often about family and friends who, due to fear or other reasons, do not respond to people’s disclosures of suicidal thoughts with kindness and empathy.
For support, have you considered calling a hotline or using a text line? In the U.S., the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is at 800.273.8255, and the Crisis Text Line is 741-741. You can also find other resources at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Others who can offer support include a psychotherapist, minister, psychiatrist, family doctor, etc. If you are in an emergency, an emergency room or 911 also can be of help.
I hope you get the support you seek!
Oh sweetheart, I am truly sorry that someone could discard your feelings this way. Your question, “why would they say that to me” reveals something unique about your own character to me that I want you to consider. That is in the depth of your being you realize that this persons callousness is inherently wrong❤️ Even in the pit of your despair YOU have more insight into what a human being needs from another when they’re in such a depressed state. YOU, my dear, realize your worth even though you FEEL worthless. YOU are incredible, truly incredible. For anyone to tell another “to go ahead” and kill theirself is criminal. You’re right, you need someone to hold your hand, walk beside you, and love you unconditionally until you’re on the other side of your current situation. Unfortunately, as you have learned, peers, friends, or family may not be the best source of comfort or care.
Finding that person, counselor, or Biblically sound church counselor can be daunting. Before I go on I need you to know that I’m speaking from experience. It stands to reason that one need not be educated, have a PHD in Psychology, or have basic common sense to be “qualified” to lend a shoulder for another to cry on. But please make an effort to find a qualified person to help you until your storm passes. Once again I speak from experience, regardless of how you’re currently feeling, this is temporary. You are loved more than you know.
I have lived with my Grandson threatening suicide since he was age 5. He is now 30. He refuses mental health help and I am stuck bailing him out of mostly financial issues because it scares me and I love him so much. I am not a wealthy person but I know he tries. He gets stuck and I understand how depression works but its soooo difficult to deal with. Is there an answer somewhere? He lives far away from me but I miss him terribly. Thank you for any responses. I know my days are limited. Im 81 years old and it hurts my soul to know he is lost. And what will happen to him when I am gone? He is really a nice kid. His parents never married and I raised him. However, he never wanted me. He wanted parents like any other kid.
You are an amazing person. Is there anyways u can be close to him? Will he move close to u? We never know when our lives will end, why not spend the remainder days together? Try reaching out to him? Maybe tell him u need him. And that u are lonely? You could also maybe take another approach and seek help for him? Ive always heard the saying better mad than dead.
Corrine,
My heart aches for you, your grandson, and all you both go through. It’s a terrible feeling of helplessness to watch as someone struggles with depression but chooses not to get help for it.
I’m wondering if you’ve tried talking with others in your situation. If you are in the U.S., the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill (NAMI) offers support groups for family members of people living with mental illness. You can get some info, including a way to look for groups near you, at http://www.nami.org/Find-Support/NAMI-Programs/NAMI-Family-Support-Group.
NAMI also runs a helpline on weekdays, from 10a to 6p Eastern standard time, at 800-950-NAMI. Or you can email them at info@nami.org.
Thank you for sharing your experience here. What you’re going through is intense and painful. I hope that you’re able to get support, if not from NAMI then somewhere else.
Lets say you have a friend and someone told her to shoot herself it would be better for her Kids if she wasnt around. What do you tell that person after she reads it and says maybe that person is right maybe I should kill myself no one will miss me
Thank you so much, my girlfriend is suicidal and I spend hours trying to help her a day. Thanks to you I finally know how I can truly help her. Thank you so much.
When people tell you it’s selfish, it hurts. Usually I go on online chats and low-key try and get some of the suicidal feelings out. It works for me, except one time I took it a little far. One of my friends gave a really inspirational speech, but it mainly just made me feel so guilty that it slipped me right back into cutting (i had been clean for a bit). I know they meant the best, but I left right after because I wanted to end the conversation. I’m afraid to go back. Any tips?
It’s destiny and no one can change anything.
I respect that is how you feel but even if that’s how it is I’m still going to fight it and help as much as I can.
I agree with you Ryan
Since three years, I’m a suicidal person. I tried many things to solve my problems like to speak with someone of my family and it didn’t works. With strangers? They judge me, we are all judging other people because we can’t know what they are living in reality. I think that if a person want to commit suicide, she is right to do what she wants. It’s a choice. It doesn’t matter if people understand you or not, before or after.
for some reason i find that joking about suicide is an awesome way to prevent suicide (only if your joking WITH the suicidal person)
It’s obvious that no one knows the right thing to say to a suicidal person. How about more articles about how to help????
Rieza,
Great question! I hope you will check out the article I wrote on that very topic: “10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person.”
We worry so much about what to say to a suicidal person, but often it’s far more important to listen nonjudgmentally. Here’s the post I wrote about that: “How Would You Listen to a Person on the Roof?”
Another relevant article, in case you’re worried about someone you know who might be suicidal, is “If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide.”
I hope these are helpful to you and to others reading this!
Dr.,
Thank you for this site. You are doing good work, in helping others understand life, get past stigma of suicidal thoughts, and loving other human beings.
I am impressed as there is such incredible judgment across the internet, people don’t feel welcome. You have an open heart and it shows.
Once again, many thanks.
Thank you!
To truly help someone with suicidal tendencies you have to know their situation you need to know them who they are. You need to understand their struggles and why they struggle. You need to actually give a damn about them. Willing to help them every step of the way.
I’ve had “friends” in my past who claim they care, but they don’t. Those are called selfish toxic friends who only want to use you but when you need anything they aren’t around or complain about having to be around.
I’ve went out of my way to help people in the past thinking they would help me in return but they never do.
In reality the only person that’s going to help you is yourself. Find out what you want or need or desire and take steps into that direction.
If you choose to help anyone along the way that’s on you, but be advised coming from someone with experience don’t expect help in return even if promised. The selfishness from others in this world is extremely high.
So I play it safe now. Favor for a favor. “I understand you need help and am willing but this is what I’m going to need from you”
Hey our best friend is suicidal and we don’t know what to say to her. She’s really close minded and won’t listen to anything we have to say. We need some advice to help her get better.
Great article. I’ve suffered from bipolar for years and attempted suicide many times. I’ve often had people tell me, “Suicide is selfish; do you have any idea how much it’ll hurt ME if you’re gone?” Funny how people call your suicidal feelings selfish, yet apparently it isn’t selfish that they’re making it all about themselves. I’ve had people talk me out of suicide, yet when I’m feeling depressed again, they’re nowhere to be found. Isn’t is selfish to convince me to stay alive and then refuse to help me when I need it again? Something to think about.
Also, another thing someone said to me when I was suicidal and in the hospital that pissed me off was, “Go walk around and look at people with cancer, you know, people with REAL problems.” Basically implying that my problems aren’t “real.” So I agree with you especially when you say not to tell people that others have it worse. Someone will always have it worse, doesn’t mean that person’s problems aren’t real to them.
another thing not to say to a suicidal person is ” back off just die”
Stacey I will touch on one part of your article “Most people fear death. While I hesitate to call suicide brave or courageous”.
You hesitated but I won’t, when we help each other knowing that there might be a slight chance we’ll survive that is not absolute courage that is instinct, I’ll give some examples when someone see’s someone burning inside a car that takes some courage to help them get out but is mostly instinct knowing you will probably survive but at a price. When you load and unload your clips in your mag when you are under command take fire and are trying to save your platoon that under siege that is somewhat courage but more doing the right thing to help make your brothers survive.
When you push a little kid out of the way of a moving bus knowing for well and sure that you will die that is pure courage.
When you or one of your brothers in combat jumps on a grenade knowing for well and sure you will die that is pure courage.
Sometimes it takes alot of courage to live when your extremely suicidal. It takes even more courage to end your life, end your existence on this Earth, no coming back, you will be no more, even though I am saddened greatly by my thoughts and even more saddened about the people that did this to themselves I acknowledge the courage they had, to do something that is so against the nature to fight inside ourselves to survive, that they overcame their fear of dying, which not many of us on a truthful basis have a hard time or could ever do.
Hi, I have a friend that has been doing self harm – she told me and one other friend, she asked us not to tell so i didnt at the time I just tried to talk to her about it and all… the other friend did tell, now she completely doesnt trust this friend and its only made the self harm worse, yes she stopped doing it but now shes suicidal.
She has only told myself her boyfriend and my boyfriend about this, and she asked us not to tell anyone. I really think that if I tell anyone that knows her (eg my parents, her parents) then she will actually do it. This is why I haven’t so far. The problem is I don’t have any one to talk to about this, I homeschool so my teachers are my parents and I can’t talk to them about this otherwise I KNOW they’ll tell. Everything I’ve been reading online just says to talk to them about it all encourage them etc…. So I wanna know 1) is there someone I can talk to about this (not via phone) and 2) is there anything else I can do other than just talking to her?
Me again – just thought I might add I dont get to see her very often because we live an hour apart and also im 15 so no way of transport!
I have a friend who wants to kill her self because she’s being bullied by 3 or more people in school. These things are good advices, but I don’t exactly know what to say to her to comfort her.
Jackie, is there anything that can be done to address the bullying situation itself? What about reporting it to someone working at the school? I know there might be a fear that that could make things worse, or that it would look uncool to be a snitch. But that pressure to not be a snitch and to have some sort of group loyalty to other students (even if they are bullying you) looks pretty ridiculous from my adult vantage point. I remember that it made sense to me when I was in high school though, so it may be a difficult assumption to challenge, if it is an issue. And maybe she figures it’s not worth reporting the bullying because adults in the school are already seeing it and not doing anything about it. Adult school employees may well notice it and ignore it because they aren’t sure how seriously to take it, and because they just don’t want to deal with it. (Maybe some of them have gone through the same things, incidentally.) If she were actually to complain about it though, they’d probably have to deal with it somehow.
Is there any school counselor she could trust? I know they can be hit or miss. I had a good one for about a year when I was in high school who I used to go to just to talk at random; but even though I liked her, I think I probably withheld talking about any real problems I was having.
so i opened up to my aunt today and she said most of these things. i feel so horrible now. she said i’m “acting like a five year old” for hyperventilating while trying to blurt the thoughts out of my head. truth be told, i was trying my best to be understood but at the same time i was afraid she’ll treat it like it’s just some sort of teen angst, and she did. she even said that if she had screen record me, i would look back and laugh. the thing she said that had hurt me the most is “your life is so good. you didn’t even have very traumatic experiences so why should you feel like this? people had it worse. yes, your dad left you when you were young and your mom had hit you a couple of times in the past but those things are the reason why you’re suicidal?” it was like she was saying i can’t be entitled to my own feelings and emotions. it doesn’t matter if you think the reasons are valid or “big” enough. the point is that my reasons are making me suicidal, and it might be irrational or seem “silly”, but to me, it’s huge and it hurts. a lot.
Kyle may I ask … what is it that makes you feel as you say ?
I don’t think anyone can say anything to help me. I am 62, old, with a broken femur. I can’t get back to work and used all my regular savings. I am in a lot of pain and I don’t think I will walk regular again. I have lots of bills and have depleted all regular savings. next, is removing my retirement and hoping I can get a exception so I don’t get penalized. I planned this to be the good part of life and I don’t want to stay alive like this. My daughter says I’m too depressing to be around anyway. I don’t want to live broke like this. I have never had to contemplate losing my retirement before it’s time and never eating good stuff again or traveling or being happy. My retirement will be gone within 3 years if I live very miserably and I just don’t want to live poor and broken. But, I am too chicken to do the right thing and kill myself even if I failed to retire properly and screwed up horribly and removed money from retirement fund and lose it all by 65. I am so guilty to be alive and be broke because it is a sign of stupidity to spend retirement because you screwed up.
Hi Linda,
You are none of the bad things you say about yourself. It’s true that I’m a stranger, but the little you’ve said paints the picture of a responsible, loving, hard-working mother. Not only do you deserve to live, you deserve to be loved and enjoy life.
You’re going through an extremely hard time, and deserve support from your family, not judgment. I’m not sure if it’s a “Murphy’s Law,” but a friend once counseled that people you’ve helped move… are *never* the people who help *you* move. It appears to be true… which is a little disappointing. But all is not lost if people keep helping … someone.
I hope I’m not overstepping, but do you consider SSI an option? If possible… and I don’t know what region you’re in… it would be good if you could find services that could provide advocacy for you… so you don’t have to navigate it all yourself… and have someone sticking up for you. You really, really do deserve it.
Here’s a link to the SSI site: https://www.ssa.gov/ssi/
Nolo actually advises getting an actual attorney, rather than an advocate, because they charge the same (b/c of Social Sec regulations): https://www.nolo.com/legal-encyclopedia/should-i-hire-social-security-disability-advocate.html
Nolo atty listings by state: https://www.nolo.com/lawyers/ssdi
It looks like there are free advocacy services, nationwide, via Aging and Disability Resource Centers (ADRCs), They seek to address the frustrations many older adults, people with disabilities, and family members experience when trying to learn about and access long-term services and supports.
https://www.acl.gov/programs/aging-and-disability-networks/aging-and-disability-resource-centers
ADRCs are an important part of the No Wrong Door (NWD) system model. A collaboration between ACL, the Centers for Medicare & Medicaid Services (CMS), and the Veterans Health Administration, the NWD initiative supports states working to streamline access to long-term services and supports for older adults, people with disabilities, and their families.
Contact information for many ADRCs can be found through the Eldercare Locator.
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Linda, if you have any friends or neighbors who could help you locate options and resources, you should ask for their help, at least for specific tasks, e.g., finding advocacy for services, getting to a doctor to get meds, etc. Also, it looks like 62 is the early retirement age for a lot of things. I know none of this is ideal, but there are ways forward I believe you owe it to yourself to explore.
Reddit can provide more in-the-moment support. There are thousands of specialized forums. One that was useful recently was https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/. There are also forums such as https://www.reddit.com/r/disability/ that can offer info and support; note that each forum has different rules and always feel free to report unhelpful comments to moderators.
Sorry if this has been overwhelming. I truly hope this helps… or that something helps.
i used to be very suicidal and ive heard all 10 of those sayings and honestly it made me angry and feel very misunderstood and it felt like the people i told didn’t care it got to the point where the only person i could tell were the people who were like me because they were the only people who understood me and eventually we all got each other out of our suicidal state
I’m so on the same page as you Gabby. Glad you escaped those feelings and hope that continues for you.
This is so true and helpful. As someone who struggles with suicidal thoughts I know what people usually say is not helpful at all. If a person is talking about it, I think they are trying to stay alive. Sometimes it just feels impossible to go on when it appears things are not going to get any better.
I have friend that told me last night that done with every one I didn’t understand I said what do u mean she said wants die I shocked I said u go hell not heaven and I said your family and friend would be very upset if kill yourself I probably cry all time because of u doing that family would be hurt and no reason to live without u
After a person commits suicide and the family is in a grief support group what they say is “he/she couldnt deal with life they are in a better place. I have heard this many times. The truth is suicide prevention and support groups don’t truly help.
Anonymous,
I sure am sorry those groups haven’t helped you. That is your experience and many other people have different experiences, because I personally know people who have been profoundly helped. I hope you are able to find support elsewhere. Be sure to check out the resources for loss survivors listed at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#survivors.
I just read a few online articles about dealing with suicidal thoughts. I found the information and suggestions frustrating and unhelpful. Some examples (paraphrased):
– You need to find a purpose for your life.
– You need to learn to love yourself first.
– It’s okay if things feel tough right now, life is not easy, it’s hard
– You need to find someone who you can talk to
– You need to find a therapist you trust
.
.
.
I note a common theme – I’m am being given a list of chores to accomplish, all of which involve me doing work. My thoughts are largely based upon experiences involving the vast amount of work I’ve already done toward trying to find peace and hope in life. I’m simply tired of doing that, with no guarantee of a positive outcome, and statistically, a high probability that I’ll be back in pre-suicidal state again in the near future anyway.
If someone is dealing with suicidal thoughts, perhaps due to a sense of being overwhelmed, even the most gentle of comments that amount to more “chores” that person should do can only add to a sense of being overloaded by life.
I suggest, perhaps to be posted in the article about what TO say, that someone who cares offer to do the “doing”. Try offering to help with life, to deal with some of the crap that is overwhelming the person dealing with the suicidal thoughts. If that seems like too much, you’ve just proven the logic of someone pursuing the option of suicide, in my opinion. If you won’t do that, then at least consider not suggesting anything that puts even more on a suicidal person’s plate.
I agree, Mike. A lot of suggestions also presume a lot, thus can be insulting. Helpful suggestions for coping with suicidal thoughts, such as mediation and yoga, assume the person 1) has not done those things 2) that they have the capacity to do them (or concentrate on anything) while they’re feeling suicidal 3) that those things would help.
Suggestions for coping populate the internet, and suicidal people likely have online access just like non-suicidal people. Most people have worked really hard to “live through this” and improve their lives, especially adults who have battled depression and/or other issues for decades. To advise, off the cuff, any of those approaches could seem facile, tone-deaf and implying judgments all too ingrained in a suicidal person’s dialogue: “I’m stupid. People assume I’m lazy and don’t try. I’m a burden. I’m awful. I’m impatient. There is no hope for me among the healthy people. I don’t do life right. This is [the helpful person]’s helpful advice, and it’s worse than useless to me. I’m ungrateful. I can’t be helped. I refuse help. I’m not cut out for this. I’ve always known. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I’m so tired. I have been tired for so long…”
This evening, a friend recommended that I “stay positive.” K. Please don’t say that to anyone, unless you absolutely know it’s something that works for them… and they’re in a place where they have the strength to lift that tool.
I know it’s supposed to be bad to isolate, but I don’t think I can risk any interactions with people right now. I’m hanging on by my fingertips. Even helplines can trigger; there are some truly bad counselors out there.
The most helpful thing I’ve found recently is the /suicidewatch sub-Reddit. A number of people responded in such ways that demonstrated phenomenal thoughtfulness and courage. One of the simplest, most profound was “My beautiful daughter. My beautiful, perfect daughter.” I don’t know why exactly, but it felt and feels like an steady, encircling embrace. It also rings of some sort of larger voice of love, knowing all or nothing about me, accepting all the knowledge and unknown… and saying those kind, kind things… and asking nothing.
It’s too late now-wish I would’ve known sooner, maybe I could’ve saved him. ???
I’m very sorry for your loss, Vicki. Please don’t blame yourself based on this article. These are merely suggestions to help keep the conversation going with someone who is considering suicide. In reality, someone helping the person could say all the “right” things and still the person might go on to die by suicide. That’s the agonizing thing about suicide: There is no definitive way to prevent or predict it.
Maybe it just wasnt up to you because god needed him somewhere else. Maybe you werent the reason he had those thoughts. Its nobody’s fault.
some of these are fair points there is one thing that has not been considered in this article. at the end where it says ask them the most important question of all “how can i help?” this could make the person feel more more anxious. most people who think about committing suicide are already at extreme points of anxiety. so asking them how you can help may be helpful. or it seriously could make them want to be alone and more anxious to do something. the people in the most extremes of their anxiety want death. so maybe asking if they have a plan? to judge how true their intent is then if they have a plan and tell you call for help that’s just my advice. maybe asking what kind of stress one is trying to deal with then coming up with ways to help them from there. my point is there are a number of ways you can try to be helpful. i have a friend that i frequently checked on and asked if i could help. they took no help and tried to commit suicide anyways. its one of the hardest things i have deal with lately.
[This comment was edited to conform to the Comments Policy. – SF]
Excellent points, Holly. I’m truly sorry for your loss.
Please add Dont tell the person they are just seeking attention.
I’m feeling so suicidal please I need help
Adam,
I’m sorry you’re feeling so suicidal. This website provides information, not counseling, so I urge you to seek help another way. You have several options to consider. Here are some:
1. If you’re in urgent need of help, you can call 911 (or, if you’re not in the U.S., the number for emergency services where you are).
2. You can go to a hospital’s emergency room and be evaluated there.
3. You can call your physician’s emergency number, though they would likely refer you to the emergency room.
4. If you are already seeing a therapist or psychiatrist, you could call them.
5. You can call the National Lifeline in the U.S. at 800.273.8255.
6. You can text “Help” to 741-741.
7. You can check out the other places I list on the Resources page that offer help by phone, email, text, or online chat.
8. You can confide in a friend, family member, minister/rabbi/imam/other religious leader, co-worker, or someone else you know.
Wherever or however you do it, please get help!
Praying for you! That is so good you are reaching out for help… I am also here for you if ever want to talk.
https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com
Hi Adam,
How are you feeling? I can email you if you’d like for me to be an unbiased listener for you 🙂
Let me know.
Sincerely,
Your Friend in California
20/M. I have different posts here under various aliases, I think I’m starting to be suicidal again.
Now on my first year in med school, I lost my motivation. My pre-med motivation is to be able to enter med school. But now, aiming to be one of those doctors in the future is kinda blurry to me. Maybe it’s just the stress talking on our first weeks in school. It really is overwhelming. I didn’t plan to be a doctor, it’s just what my parents wanted me to pursue and they kept on suggesting me this career ever since I was in preschool. I never knew what I really wanted to be so I just go on with the flow. I was able to join some organizations to gain some friends early in med school, which I now have. But this feeling never went away. I feel empty. I don’t want to leave med school because I will disappoint everyone especially myself. I don’t even know what I would pursue if ever I quit becoming a doctor. I am lost. I am lost and I can’t get myself out. I would like to have some friends in school to vent all about these things but I don’t see them that way. I have had recent experiences of sharing my life and it turned out very badly that I told myself never to do that again. I want a fast forward button in my life so I would be able to see if ever I would become happy in my life or not. Currently, I don’t think my life would end the optimistic way I want it to end. My life is full of sufferings and I just want it to stop. My head is all messed up and all I could think about is how to end my life without anyone worrying or finding out about me when I die.
I feel like that too sometime and its because ppl in my life make me feel like I do nothing right. I try and try and its always wrong. I stay because I have kids and I do believe its wrong to kill yourself. God is in my life, and I know there is a reason for things that happen; good or bad. I tell myself I must be strong for what I have put up with, but also I am not too sure on how much I can take. Its exhausting. I really need help and the person I wish was there to help me with it all is the prime reason I feel this way. I am trying to make them happy before myself. He has also always been this way and thought I could change him when we met. Its going on 18 years and nothing has changed. Not too sure if I should throw in the towel or keep trying. What I am trying to say is that I am married and this is something I choose. School is something others have chosen for you, so you should do what makes you feel happy and to hell with everyone else. Do what you want, and go to school for what you want to do. Schooling is a better choice than nothing though, so don’t stop going. Good luck to you! Keep your head up!
I feel the exact same
I must commend you for your statement about that irritating platitude (commonly uttered by people who never consider offing themselves, and those too cowardly to) about suicide being a cowardly act. Here is a line from American journalist and dark humorist, Ambrose Bierce, that I consider definitive: “No, I do not [consider suicide cowardly]. I consider it selfish and cruel.”
Or this comment from another thinker of the nineteenth century, Robert Ingersoll: “Many men who kill themselves forget the duties they owe to others—forget their wives and children. Such men are heartless, wicked, brutal; but they are not cowards.
I am a coward. That means I am incapable of making something of myself, and it also means I am unable to simply end it. And unable to ask for help.
Your not a coward. You just asked for help. You just asked at the wrong place.
Pechorin,
Steven makes an excellent point. SpeakingOfSuicide.com is for informational purposes only; it doesn’t provide crisis counseling or therapy. To talk, text, email, or chat online with someone about how you’re feeling, please look at the list of resources I provide. I hope you will do there what you did here – reach out and tell someone about the painful suicidal thoughts you are having.
And, by the way, this is probably stating the obvious but I feel the need to state it otherwise: I don’t think the words selfish, brutal, cruel, cowardly or otherwise pejorative apply when talking about suicide, in the same way that someone who dies of cancer is not being selfish, brutal, cruel, cowardly, etc. I write about the myth of selfishness in my post, “Is It Selfish to Die in a Tornado?”
I recently received a message from my friend. He told me that(this part is a translation) he was very sorry about how he treated me since we turned friends and that he thought about seeing me in the next life and that it was his last will and that he didn’t want to end this way and that he only wanted to let me know that I always will be his best friend and that he feels so bad(end of translation).
Original message(this is Portuguese):
“Sinto muito em ter sido assim contigo desde que te conheci”
“Acho que se vemos na próxima vida então”
“E não queria que fosse assim que eu termina-se mas só queria que tu soubesses que sempre serás o meu melhor amigo”
“Sinto me tão mal”
I remember that when we were in primary school, he would cause physical pain(Nothing serious. He would simply with his fingers higher the pressure on my skin to the point where it would turn purple) on me if he didn’t fully agree with me. I once was called by the teacher that was working at the, because she noticed the hematomas on my skin. I told nothing. Time after that(eventually he stopped injuring me) he started to force me to do things I didn’t like, he even wrote me a list about things that I should not do. That seems to be why he is telling me why he is sorry.
He often sends messages that seem related to this one, but they were not causing me any worries.
He seems to be feeling guilty. The the text seems to be telling more than the fact that he is sorry. Is it normal or should I be worried?
I’ve said all the above to my best friend who about to kill herself
Thank god shes still alive, I think I may still have a chance
(I’ve been trying to change her mind for 3 years already)
Thank you very much
Is it safe to say to a suicidal “I’m glad that you are (still) alive”?
Personally speaking, I think that’s a loving and supportive thing to say.
I like that! My group needs to hear that more often.
I agree with Stacey. I think it’s a kind thing to say.
I agree also. I just said that to my friend today.. So happy she is still alive.
Its a good thing.
Someone told that if died that they would miss me very much. It made me sad, but sad in a good way.
Thank you. I feel so much less alone I’m not a teen, but a young adult.
Thank you. I feel so much less alone I’m not a teen, but a young adult.
My best friend that I’ve known for over 2 years has serious depression due to many factors–ugh, there’s so many I don’t even blame her. She lives a state away from me so there’s not much I can do when things like this pop up. I’m really afraid she’ll end up doing something… She refuses to get help, I’m just really scared.
Response of an adult daughter to a parent ‘Typical – you’re so selfish – kill yourself at my home so me and my family have to deal with the mess’ Is this reaction more common than one might think?
My sister told me tonight she is ready to check out, that she is just so unhappy she cannot live. I asked what I could do for her and she said nothing, only killing herself would make her better. I seriously don’t know what to do. I know when a person is ready to take their life they are dealing with their own internal demons as I lost two friends several years ago and no one saw it coming. I don’t know what to do to help my sister and she has started drinking heavy so that compounds the depression and irrational thinking.
Thanks for your help now i know how to help my friend and what not to say to her thank you it means A lot to me thank you
I have a grandson that shared with me that he is such a failure that he wants to commit sucide…but he doesn’t want to put his mother and dad through that…he is 32 years old and single..living with his folks..and an only child..is or has been on drugs, marajuana, drinks….he has a do-it yourself kit… I have been in Al-
Anon 45 years…my husband in AA 46 years….got a job last week ..as a Bartender…and I think he got fired last night…he said they didn’t pay him…..my sponsor is no longer living…I just want to do the right thing…..
The only right thing you can do is be there for him and his parents and love and support all of them no matter what he decides. It’s his decision, unfortunately you will have to live with it but even if he does make that choice his pain and suffering is no more and he can finally be at peace. Hopefully it doesn’t come to that, but all you can do for him, family and yourself is love and support. It is nice that he loves and trusts you enough to share his pain. Know that no matter what he decides you were there for him when he needed you. Best of luck. Your story touched me and I hope the best for you and your family.
This article was of so little help it’s basically useless. “Don’t say this, but what should you say? I don’t know!”
Sandstroma,
Thank you for your comment. Your criticism was well founded, and I wrote a new post some months back titled, “10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person.” You can find it here: https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/2017/10/03/10-things-to-say/.
‘Cuz truth hurts. But it’s truth and you definitely should say this.
Hi, when I say “how can I help?”, they simply reply “I don’t know”
Do you have any good articles/advice for ways to help, especially if the person is dealing with depression and feels like they are lost and have no hope for the future
Thank you for your help
I NEED HELP REALLY BAD BUT IT DOESSN,T SEEM THAT ANYONE TAKES ME SERIOUS. I JUST LOST MY HUSBAND TO CANCER AND I WISH TH HIM.I WOULD HAVE MADE A PLAN TO HAVE WENT WI
Kathy,
I’m so sorry for your loss. It’s devastating to lose your husband, and it’s best not to make major decisions (and suicide is certainly a major decision) while in the throes of grief. I hope you will reach out for help. If people don’t take you seriously, I know that hurts terribly but please try again. Have you tried the suicide prevention hotline at 800-273-8255 (TALK)? Also you can try the textline by texting 741741. I list other resources, too,here.
Praying for you!
My best friend and roommate is suicidal. While he hasn’t attempted it yet, (to my knowledge), he has talked about it several times and has been very depressed for well over a year. Fortunately, even though I’ve felt like saying to him several things mentioned in this article, I never have; I really do try to be an empathetic and supportive friend by primarily listening. However, I have no idea what to do/say when you’re dealing with someone who utterly (and vehemently) refuses to seek therapy and is committed to justifying being in a rage and staying angry/upset/depressed. Realizing his depression and suicidal state really is an illness he needs help with doesn’t really help the guilty frustration I feel over my own thoughts. Bluntly, I’m terrified that I’m going to either find him dead one morning in his room when I wake up or when I get home from work. These thoughts often keep me up at night. This is no way to live.
Jazz,
It’s terrible to have to live with that fear, especially when the person who is depressed and suicidal refuses to get help. Watching this happen can create feelings of helplessness and anger. It sounds like you are doing some important things: listening with empathy and compassion, and being supportive. This article gives advice about other ways to help a loved one: If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide.
Perhaps this post will also be of help to you: “You Can’t Do Everything”: Limitations in Helping a Suicidal Person.
I’m wishing for the best for both you and your roommate.
There is a note going around my school and no one seems to know who it is. It say”Reason why I want to kill myself and I don’t know what to do!!!!
Anonymous,
How stressful, to know someone wants to die by suicide and to not know who it is! I hope you will tell a teacher or counselor at the school. Perhaps they can track down who the person is and provide help.
I was lucky. While on my way to commit suicide by jumping off a very tall bridge I called my brother’s house and his wife answered. Fortunately my brother wasn’t home. I was several hours away and I told my sister in law about my desperate state of mind and my plan to kill myself. She was kind and told me to come to their house so I headed north.
A few hours later my brother called and yelled at me saying, “What the “f” is the matter with you?! That’s the stupidest f’ing thing I’ve ever heard of in my life! and so on.” I thought about turning around and resuming my trip to the bridge, but I knew he was right and I deserved what I got. Besides, I could always kill myself if things didn’t work out. I was the worst of the worst, in my mind. I shudder to think what I would have done had he answered the phone.
It took me a while to accept the fact that he was really fearful and dealt with me the way he handles most situations: with anger and shaming. I forgive him, but I also realize that he’s not a go-to guy for emotional support. I’ve got other people I can go to now.
I have those type of thoughts all the time, tried ten times and almost succeeded a few of those times. I stopped trying once I found something really important to live for. Ive been in the hospital 50 times and sadly im one of those people on whom anti depressants do not work and in fact make things worse. I have Bipolar Disorder and other illnesses and my mind is basically a living hell. For the most part I hate other human beings due to my experiences to the point where I expect bad intentions and actions from people. Even with all of this I decided to write a fantasy novel which will pretty much show people what happens in my mind without being obvious about it. I think of suicidal thoughts as fighting a battle of epic proportions every day where I am a powerful but lone fighter against an army. That is how I dull the edge of my thoughts…it becomes similar to replaying a movie in my head. Goes to show that mental illnesses have things that can be used to gain an advantage.
India,
I’m sad about all you’ve been through, and I love how you are using your creativity as a means to cope with your illness and suicidal thoughts. That’s brilliant. I hope it also gives you a sense of purpose and accomplishment. Thank you for sharing!
what did you find to live for that you mentioned? is it the writing?
Writing can be a very helpful outlet when dealing with so much at one time…
https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com
I feel pretty suicidal at this point. I really have tried to make the best of my life..
I have heard these statements, and I have said the same things to people I know who have felt so horribly low they wanted to end their own life.
Now I find myself having suicidal thoughts. I try to snap out of it but I can’t seem to be able…I put on a good front.
I recently lost a good friend to suicide. It hurts so bad.. I try to keep positive, use the experience to help others.
But right now I am not doing that well.
I struggle to find the strength to keep on keeping on.
I know I need to talk to someone, but it’s very difficult to pick up the phone, or go to a walk in center.
It’s helpful to read posts like this. I guess tomorrow is a new day.
Hi Steven,
I agree with you that tomorrow (and the one after that) is a new day. I believe you when you say it is difficult to talk with people about what you are feeling. I think it matters that you have, in fact, started talking with your post right here. I think your post counts a step towards communicating about your situation with others.
I also believe that, when tomorrow comes, not only is it a new day, but it is likely a new perspective, from your point of view, on your situation. Notice, I did not say that your thoughts of suicide will change or go away. I won’t pretend that a solution is right around the corner. You probably know about your thoughts and your situation better than anyone else.
I simply mean that it IS likely you will have a DIFFERENT perspective on your thoughts than you did when you wrote your message here.
If you have experiences similar to others, it is likely your perspective can change moment to moment. In my situation, I find that to be emotionally exhausting. Perhaps you do, too. But my perspective does change, and having to acknowledge that change is probably one of the main reasons I’m still here to type a response to your thoughts. It can be difficult to commit suicide if, despite all the pain, I’m struggling to focus on the source of the thoughts, how they affect me, why I feel them, what they mean, etc.
I don’t have any magic words. I won’t try to repeat any of the phrases listed in the article – that’s the point, right? I will simply encourage you to add another message. It might help you to focus your perspective, and give you insight, even as you are relating to others what you feel.
Every day is a new day. It is definitely alright and a good choice to seek help in your time of need.
https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com
Wow – it is difficult to agree with this. I asked my suicidal loved one what can I do and the answer was – nothing; or she would have talked to me! According to this list, there is nothing left to say. The suicide hotline actually told me that when I do talk to her to remind her that it is a permanent solution, that she DOES have things to live for (but ask it as; remember what you will leave behind) and yes – that I would feel awful and she would hurt many of us. And that helps because it helps them understand there are many people here that want to help and that love her.
Hi Anonymous,
I think you have taken to heart what was meant by this article. You let your loved one know that you are available to listen. That is what the article mentions.
I disagree that the list in this article leaves one with a conclusion that there is nothing to say. The article’s primary focus is on some talking points that do not necessarily help someone who is feeling suicidal. It certainly does not exhaust the things one might say, and even provides suggestions on how you might successfully approach your loved one without turning him or her away. And it seems like you’ve started that dialog. It may take a bit for your loved one to find the means to respond.
Also, please remember, as I would like all who read this to remember, the point of the article is that it presumes the goal is to help find a non-suicidal solution to the pain that the suicidal friend or loved one is dealing with. The goal, as I see it, is NOT to salve the needs of the caregivers who have overwhelming desires to want to help, and feel a strong need to satisfy those desires. Yes, caregivers are important, but the caregiver’s frustration should be on the caregiver to deal with.
Pointing out to a suicidal person, for instance, that their death would cause extreme feelings of loss and anger on the part of caregivers and loved ones left behind is, in my opinion, an act akin to dumping a caregiver’s frustration upon the one who is feeling suicidal. Let’s all keep in mind that one of the main point’s of this website is to bring to public awareness that those dealing with suicidal ideation are already feeling overwhelmed.
Emotionally, the suicidal victim is “maxed out” – they have no more resources with which to cope. Any of the comments listed in this article can easily be construed or interpreted as “you [the suicidal person] need to quit acting this way because it really taxes me [the caregiver], and I don’t want or need to be dealing with this”. Yes, suicidal ideation and expressions of suicidal feelings can be scary and hurtful, but whatever emotions arise from this on the part of the caregiver is the caregiver’s issue to deal with. And certainly, a caregiver can and probably should enlist more support not only for the suicidal person, but also for themselves, in dealing with the crisis, Perhaps even the caregiver might seek out a therapist (professional help) for him or herself. But most certainly the person dealing with suicidal ideation cannot also be a ‘caregiver for the caregiver’, if you will. No way – the suicidal person can barely help himself.
If I, as a caregiver, need to express frustration, it’s my responsibility to find another avenue besides hinting that the suicidal person is somehow to blame for the anxiety I feel. My reaction may be triggered by someone’s confession or acknowledgement of suicidal thoughts, but the anxiety that comes with my reaction is mine to own. No one else’s. If a friend told you he had cancer, would you be angry with him for telling you, or even angry with him for having cancer to begin with? Would you be inclined to immediately remind him of all the grief that might occur should he succumb to his cancer?
Take care, everyone. Thanks.
I am mad at the world. I am mad at myself.
Whenever I think of committing suicide, I always think about how it would affect my family. I am not really close with them but, they are the ones who gave me everything. I still have thoughts about suicide, especially when I am alone in school (which is most of the time) or in my dormitory. Sometimes, it is so painful that I wanted to stop thinking what would happen to everybody and get this over with. Thinking about the feelings of others is really stressing me out when they don’t even think about me or how I feel.
I have suicidal thoughts almost every day of my life. What I wanted to hear the most is for someone who means a lot to me to notice and privately ask about how I feel and if I have suicidal thoughts. I would tell them everything… but no one even bothered to at least ask if I am okay. Moreover, they would even joke around the fact that I always look down every time they see me. I tried to talk about my life and how I come to this to my class during our outings and to my groupmates during our group sessions in doing the Johari’s window. Everything failed. They (the class) got bored of me. When I felt that, I rushed my story to reach the end already. What happens next explains how it became the worst day of my life. They clapped and cheered. Those annoying claps and “woohs!”. Hearing the words “Finally” and “At last”. I was highly considering committing suicide that night… but I did not want to mess up such a beautiful place at that time.
I also tried to share my life to our counselor, and do you know what she said? To “move on”. To “learn on how to develop your communication skills”. I never came back to her. My talk with her made me cringe and furious inside. This made me not to ask for help to those hotlines as I have had a horrible experience with talking to strangers.
All it takes is a sincere “Are you okay?”, not from those who already caused me pain, but from those who know they mean a lot to me.
Are you okay now? Have things gotten better?
https://suicidenotmyheart.wordpress.com
These are actually some great things to say!! I was suicidal throughout my early teens and twenties.
One thing that made me so scared to kill myself was I did & do believe there is a hell. So telling someone with the same beliefs would be helpful!
And suicide is a permanent solution. Anything can be fixed. Show love and care to the person. Help them find help. You can’t make someone get help but you can be there for them. Guiding them. It’s a serious issue. But not all of these are bad.
Dear Anonymous,
I’m glad you were able to find some solutions that helped you. In response to your comments, I have some thoughts.
Even if someone I knew, who was dealing with suicide ideation and depression, also believed in hell, I would be loath to use their beliefs in such a way, unless of course the person in question brought it up him or herself. As one of those who deals with chronic depression and suicide ideation, I would rather someone try and convince me to change my thinking with suggestions that encourage a love of life, not a fear of death or an afterlife of torment. Much of my current situation is due to a series of life experiences motivated by fear, not love. Constant fear may indeed keep someone who is suicidal alive, but I’m pretty certain it is NOT a solution or a healthy reason for pursuing life.
Suicide may be a permanent solution, Many of us also deal with solutions of managing a chronic condition, which may also be a permanent solution, though not a desirable one. There are many chronic physical ailments (such as diabetes, for example), that, as a solution with current medical knowledge, are managed with medication and education. These conditions are not “fixed”, to use your words. They are managed; unless, by “fixed”, you include conditions that are managed, yet unresolved.
Unfortunately, there are many people, medical professional included, who do consider that managed mood disorders and managed psychological conditions are basically considered fixed. Again, as someone who deals with this everyday, and has so for decades, such conditions can hardly be considered resolved, merely managed. And, just as difficult as some of the, perhaps well-intended, phrases mentioned in this article are for a suicidal person to hear and digest, such flippant dismissal of my condition by the public, including medical and psychiatric professionals, as “fixed” or resolved is NOT something that helps me in any way.
I currently manage my mood disorder condition. As a scientific researcher by profession, I do NOT consider by situation as resolved. And speaking from experience, an open mind, and examination of medical research and statistics of related conditions, I have concluded that it is unlikely (though not impossible) that my chronic condition will ever evolve to a category of “fixed”. This, of course, makes settling for management, though successful so far (most of the time), tolerated, but not appealing.
This may also be your situation; I don’t know. If it is, then I would question your initial revelation that believing in hell and “living” (rather than committing suicide) in fear of hell, is actually not much more successful as a solution. That said, I do wish you the best if you have achieved a solution, and also the best if you are currently doing what you can to manage a condition.
All of these things are not the worst things to say to people who are suicidal.
In fact they are perfect.
I don’t believe so, I’m suicidal and I sometimes get mad when someone tells me those things.
Emma,
You definitely are not alone! Many people feel invalidated, dismissed, or even ignored when hearing such comments.
Thanks for sharing.
I do know I am not alone, but the people who are experiencing things exactly like mine and who can also comfort me and help me in this situation is very near to zero.
Totally agree!
Good grief, Magnolia, I hope you never run into somone who is suicidal!
We are a family of four members. We have huge debts pending. My mom works regularly as a highschool teacher. Her salary is OK. While my dad hasn’t a fixed income, and in the last few months ,my dad didn’t earn much amount of money.
The debts are thrice the salary of my Mom, and my sister is about to join a Medical school, considering the fees(without scholarship) will be unpayable until my dad earns a huge amount of money in two months(Technically which is possible).
My dad gives the family hope, that everything would be okay. But the debts are so huge, my mom doesn’t believe that we would be able to pay the debts and my sisters fees.
Mom disclosed about suicide just right now…telling that I wish I wasn’t born, and now, that I’m born, I wish I die.
Me and my sister tried to support mom, ending up in a cold argument and we said the things disclosed in the above article.
She told us not to disclose this with my dad….I have now Immediately searched up the issue and found this article.
I have tried to provide hope to mom..but things neither look better, nor worse. Dad CAN earn money, but mom doesn’t believe. What next should I do? Should I tell dad? Or should I myself try to help her? Keeping in mind my dad is short tempered and he easily gets into arguments!
Thanks in advance, and I hope Mom can feel better ASAP!!
Hey Anonymous, is there someone else you can talk to about your problems? A trusted friend, a counsellor, a family member? Kinda cliche advice, I know (and probably advice you’ve already heard) but I know that taking on someone’s depression by yourself can be a difficult thing to do. Your feelings get in the way, there’s the whole subjectivity issue, you might end up saying the wrong thing by accident… yeah, haha. I think getting some backup might be helpful in this case. I hope your family gets through this!
My wife and I were in a bit of a silent phase/fight. Minor stuff that helped contribute to her depression. Other things at work, stress, and all that lead up to this morning. I had a late night at work, and was up when she came in to talk to me. I listened, but was kind of harsh in my response. She left and went to the bedroom. I felt bad so I went to talk to her, and that is when she dropped the bomb. She was thinking of committing suicide. My wife described the act to me, and that she was going to wait until I went to sleep to kill herself. I called the hotline, and the first lady was nice, but it seems like there is no immediate help from these programs, if you haven’t already committed the act, or dont want to be admitted. We left messages at clinics for help, and looked at what our medical covers. We hung out for the entire day doing things to keep her mind busy. She seems to feel better, and has said she feels better, and will not commit suicide. She doesn’t want me to tell our family (we don’t have kids). My question is: How do I continue with this circumstance, do I leave her alone, let her go to work, and not tell her mom, and family members? Any help is greatly appreciated. Thank you.
Tom,
I can only imagine how frightening that was for you and your wife. Without knowing you or her, I can’t really advise you on how to proceed, but I do encourage you both to look into where help is available where you live. Even though the hotlines wasn’t helpful to you, someone there or at one of the places available by text, email, or online chat might be able to learn more about your situation and give you advice. I am hoping for the best for both of you!
I had a girl that I was once very close to actually tell me to “do it” when I talked of killing myself. She hates me now and has hated me for the last 7 years. She said that she would be happy if I were to die. She is part of the reason that I was considering taking my own life. I loved her and missed her so much, even after so many years. She has said such despicable things to me. Ultimately, someone intervened, and I got the help I so desperately needed. No thanks to my former friend. She told someone else that she was “highly disappointed” when she found that I wasn’t dead. How any human being can be that hateful is beyond me. There should a law keeping people like her away from those who are suicidal. She is a disgusting individual. It’s hard to believe that I was once in love with her.
Ken,
I am so sorry that happened to you, and I’m grateful you’re still here.
I’ve heard more times than I count of people whose poor treatment by others ended up motivating them to resist suicide. They didn’t want to satisfy the other person with their death. Sort of like “living well is the best revenge.” Whatever works!
That said, it’s terribly painful to be the brunt of someone’s hatred. In those moments, it just hurts.
Thanks for sharing your story.
Stay strong my friend. Some people just have a mean streak in them. I know, I was married to one once. Just don’t allow her the power to criticize you,..put you down. I let it get to me for years.. What she says is meaningless. Learn to love your self and move on. There are plenty of people who won’t treat you that way.
I made the terrible mistake of telling people why I was drowsey, couldn’t hold a conversation ect. Wish I hadn’t told a soul X 3! So wish I could take my own life no one would be impacted except my son. This is what stops me. I am back to cutting after 16 years. Death is so welcome!
Anonymous,
I think your comment means you made a suicide attempt and someone intervened…? Well, I hope that you’re getting help. Check out the Resources page for places where you can talk to someone by phone, text, email, or online chat about what you’re feeling.
Ok i do understand so i just hope that, your son does not see this or the cuts left behind. And think of someone who would be there for him and love him as much as you love him.
Trust me its really traumatizing to hear of one of your family wanting to take his life. it happened to my family member last night but he couldn’t do it. am still shocked
This was a helpful article to read…I recently lost a good friend to suicide. And I’m guilty of saying all of these things to her in the past. I feel horrible for saying so, and I somewhat blame my self for her death.
Steven,
I’m very sorry for your loss. Based on your comment, it sounds like you’re feeling the self-blame that often comes when someone dies by suicide. The things you said to your friend (and that I list in this post) are not things that, in my opinion, could cause someone to die by suicide. You might find this post helpful: “If Only”: Self-Blame After a Loved One’s Suicide.
Hi Stacey. I went and read your article you sent me a link to.. Everything is very true.
My issue/ guilt is this: I encouraged my friend to discontinue her psychotropic medication’s. Except for her benzodiazepines which I know can cause seizures with abrupt discontinuance. I over stepped my scope of practice. And this is why I blame myself.
I realize I should speak with a professional about my guilt about giving bad advice. I don’t know who to turn to.. I work in the medical field so….
Today, was a very difficult day…I started having thoughts of scenarios of what if…
This is eating me up inside. I am reaching out to you for some advice..
Steven,
What you are dealing with is so very hard. I’m limited in the advice that I can give in this context, so I really recommend that you try to speak with someone who understands the guilt and unique grief that can come with suicide loss. If you don’t want to go the professional route, there are a lot of support groups for people who have lost someone they care about to suicide. You can find more information about this on the Resources page.
I also recommend a book chapter that might interest you. It’s called “Cognitive Therapy for Trauma-Related Guilt,” and it’s by Edward Kubany and Tyler Ralston. If you do a search for it on Google Scholar, you’ll find several sites with PDFs; if you can’t access them, email me at speakingofsuicide@gmail.com and I will send you a copy. (I’m being mindful of copyright laws in not posting it here.)
I recommend the book chapter because it talks about several cognitive distortions that can occur after a trauma, such as hindsight bias and responsibility bias. This information might be helpful to you.
Good luck to you, Steven, and I hope you will talk with someone about what you’re going through.
My wife just told me she wants to end her life it was a mistake marrying me and the last ten years have been horrible for her. What can i do please respond soon i am lost.
Charles,
How devastating for you! And for her, too.
If she’s in danger of ending her life now or soon, please call 911 or the emergency services number in your area if you’re not in the U.S.
If you want to talk with someone about how to best help her, I recommend talking with a mental health professional in your area or calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK) if you’re in the U.S. There are other places you can call, email, or text, and they’re listed on the Resources page.
The Samaritans also has a good piece on how to help, called Helping the Suicidal.
I hope that information is helpful to you in some way. And I’m hoping for healing for your wife, and for you.
I’m dead inside…
One time someone said I just did it for attention when i didn’t
I am in a place where I struggle most times with a husband who tried to take his life. I found him one night after bath when he hung himself downstairs. He can not remember anything about that night or the week leading up to it so although thankfully my husband did not pass I am still no where near finding out the reason why he chose to do what he did. I can not grieve as I have no loss to grieve over and I can not forget those 1st 24 hours where I wished him dead as was told by the Dr that he had less than a 5% chance of waking up from his induced coma and if he did wake up it would be a 97% chance that he would have severe brain damage from the lack of oxygen to his brain. I tried counsellors on the NHS but after having a degree in this I found it ineffective and no other support was offered to me. I have lived with this for 1.5 years now and I find myself a horrible person in the way I treat him now (argue a lot, bicker etc etc) as I find I have not forgave him for what he did, as well as the recurring nightmares and also still can’t bring myself as to why I would want him to die (he woke out of his coma with no issues other than memory loss). Sorry if that is a long ramble it’s very hard to put words to paper
Kally, you have been through a terrible trauma. Not only did your husband almost kill himself, not only did you experience a roller coaster of emotions, but you found him. That alone is traumatic. I don’t know what services are available to you through NHS or elsewhere, but there are effective treatments for trauma, including EMDR, prolonged exposure, and cognitive behavior therapy. There also are some self-help books that you might want to look at, including Overcoming Trauma and PTSD: A Workbook Integrating Skills from ACT, DBT, and CBT; and Finding Life Beyond Trauma: Using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy to Heal from Post-Traumatic Stress and Trauma-Related Problems. Good luck to you!
Thank you Stacey, I will indeed look in to that information and one day hopefully in the not too distant future I can regain control of my feelings.
Thanks for touching base, Kally. If you find other resources that are helpful and might also be of help to others, please feel free to share the information here! (Or you could email me.) Best of luck to you in your healing.
As someone who has personally dealt with the issue of suicide ideation for decades, I would like to comment on some of Stacey’s thoughts in this article, which I agree with. My intent is to add thoughts, not disagree with her opinions or conclusions. I am adding comments in reference to each of her numbered statements.
2) and 3). These statements are at the heart of a conclusion I’ve come to that no professional therapist or provider has been able to challenge when I’ve proposed it (and I encourage any feedback from those who wish to). If I’m suicidal, and I’m threatened (yes, that’s what it feels like to me) with similar statements of “think of the pain you will cause to others”, the implication is that I should refrain from suicidal actions so as not to cause pain in others. Okay, if I do that, it may seem like a solution toward survival. Except that, in this situation going forward,
I WOULD BE LIVING MY LIFE TO KEEP OTHERS HAPPY, OR, AT LEAST, IN LESS PAIN.
Regardless, I would, at that point, be dedicating my life’s efforts towards the desires of others, and not living (the operative word here) for my own interests. Yes, a tragedy would be averted and I’m still alive, and one could argue that it was worth it since my original plan was NOT to live; however, the so-called solution is NOT complete, and though alive, I (and others) can argue I’m not LIVING for me.
I’ve been told in therapy, by multiple providers, that many of my difficulties are due to me not making choices on behalf of myself, or in my interests. In fact, in most cases, when I did this, professionally or personally, there was usually someone (typically a majority of “someones”) who didn’t like my choice. Even when I thought about suicide, I was chided for doing so, as in the example above. And yet, here I’m left with a “solution” that values the very notion I’ve been encouraged to get in touch with – make choices for my own interests, not only for others. That’s why these statements (#2 and #3) really hold no value for me. They are disingenuous, in my opinion.
4) Shame never helps. Trying to teach someone to swim by shaming them for being afraid of the water and of drowning usually doesn’t work too well.
5) Perhaps it IS a plea for help and they indeed DON’T want to die. Okay, don’t tell them, help them!!
6) This implies the helper has a list. If someone approaches me with such an argument, they better be ready to enumerate the items on their list and be ready to back it up with proof. Otherwise, it’s simply a cliché.
8) This statement, to me, has always implied that someone has some objective scale of “issue harshness”. Really? I’ve never known a professional who’s heard of such a thing, and it has simply made me feel ashamed. Was that the intent?
9) For younger people, emotionally pivoting on a single issue or occurrence in life, this may be true. For older people (such as myself) with chronic, generalized depression not based on a single incident, this statement is also cliché. From the point of view of multiple therapists I’ve worked with, what I deal with is, at best, “manageable”, not likely “solveable”. Thus, it is also likely that the problem is not temporary, any more that a sober person with an addiction to alcohol is no longer an alcoholic, or a person with cancer in remission is no longer at a risk for cancer. The question I deal with in my personal life is, what happens when I run out of energy, even with a support network to help, to keep “managing” the problem? Is there a point where, just like people with terminal physical medical conditions, I would be allowed to conclude enough is enough? Apparently, I can only make this decision by myself.
Thank you, Stacey
Mike,
These are excellent points, and I really don’t have much to add to them because you covered them so well. I’m grateful that my post spoke to you and that you were able to build on it.
Your points about selfishness especially will resonate with many suicidal individuals. I’ve heard some say that it’s selfish of others to want someone to suffer so that others can avoid suffering grief. I write more about the issue of selfishness in my post, “Is It Selfish to Die in a Tornado?” (I just added the link to this post, as well.)
Thank you for sharing so generously your ideas. I have no doubt that they will help others.
As for you, it sounds like you are in therapy and getting support you need to “manage” your problem. May that continue!
My friends fiance just killed herself and they had only known each other for under a year i believe but he is taking it like he lost a mother or father and im not sure what to say to him other than all his friends and family are here to support him through this difficult life moment. But when I think about what she did all I become is very angry that she could do this to him and not leave a reason behind it or that he had to come home to her brains on the wall. Like anyone reading this that plans to take their own life, I would advise watching movies or shows about how it affects your family not just yourself. I would just like some help if you can give me some to support him through this and help him get over it.
I am very sorry for your friend’s loss, and it’s nice that you’re reaching out to help him. You can find a list of resources here for people who have lost someone to suicide.
I know all too well how hurt people are when a loved one dies by suicide. And it’s normal to feel angry. But the “rational” concept of suicide doesn’t usually apply to people who kill themselves. If you’re interested, see my post, “Is It Selfish to Die in a Tornado?” for more information about this.
Good luck to your friend. I can understand why he’s taking it like he lost a mother or father – he lost the person he thought he would spend the rest of his life with. How devastating! Thank you for trying to help him through this.
Im having really hard time now. I got fired from my second job for no aparent reason and my mother thinks its my fault and that Im useless. She doesnt understand how I feel (I even také antidepresives) and is just constantly stressing me. I really want to die because of that, but dont have resolve to commit suicide yet.
Jill, I hope that you will consider getting help and talking with someone about your suicidal thoughts. You don’t have to be alone with them. Please check out the Resources page on this site for information on numerous places where you can get help by phone, email, text, or online chat. May your pain diminish soon!
I have it really bad at home now. I got fired from my second job for no aparent reason and my mother thinks it was my fault. She doesnt understand my depression (I even take antidepresives) and she is stressing me and makes me wanna commit suicide.
I am sorry that you are going through that but I think your mother doesn’t understand your situation so please speak to her and open up so she can help you. My son is going through the same thing but won’t talk to me and I am doing everything possible to help but it seems to make him even angrier. Please open up about your problems and feelings so you can be heard and helped. Good luck
Please, please talk with someone about how you feel. I’m unable to provide counseling on this site, so I hope you will look at The Resources page on this site for places where you can get help by phone, text, email, or online chat. I hope you will try at least one of these resources out!
I’ve received a lot of requests to re-open the comments for this and other posts on the site. It has been a rich and lively, if at times challenging, conversation. May it continue!
I found this really sad, suicidal person on Instagram and they seem REALLY SAD like begging to die. I want to Reach out but I’m not sure how or if I should.
It’s nice that you want to help. Please check out this article for ideas, “If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide.” I hope it will be of help to you.
What do you do if you tried to help someone so much, they told you everything, you understood their situation, and they still attempted and now you are feeling the way they did…
Unfortunately, even when we say and do all the right things, even when we understand, even when we offer support, the person still might attempt or even die by suicide. Sad to say, we are limited in what we can do to stop someone. I write about this in the article, “You Can’t Do Everything: Limitations in Helping a Suicidal Person.”
I’m sorry that now you’re feeling suicidal, too. Please check out the Resources page for information about places where you can get help by phone, email, text, or online chat.
Good luck to you!
Sometimes there’s nothing anyone can say to help, and many keep these thoughts to themselves, there’s nothing that can make life better! Sucks
I agree. It sucks! Sometimes there are things we can do to make life better, but sometimes we simply are limited in how much we can do, especially if the person keeps their suicidal thoughts secret. I posted an article here about the limitations we have in stopping suicide.
They are mentally ill, and not thinking rationally, so they don’t think about people left behind or that things change…they have demons that we might not even be able to imagine working in their brains. They may be sure they are worthless and it doesn’t matter. Sometimes, even with therapy and help, the demons win.
Not everyone who is suicidal has mental illness. In fact, the CDC issued a report this week saying only 46% of people who died by suicide had a known mental illness.
If someone tells you they know how they would do it, should you ask how?
Yes of course I’d ask how! Trust me I was there. Almost died two years ago also. And I totally agree never ever make a suicide person feel any worse than they already feel. Sometimes it takes a good friend or close family member to keep in contact either by phone or see them everyday and try and cheer them up the best way you can. The reason I tried is because I was trying to reach out to my boyfriend after 6 years that I wasn’t doing good that night and just wanted to end it all. Well I overdosed on some pills n when I woke up I couldn’t even see my phone to dial 911 so I had to fall outta my bed n litterally drag myself into my sons room like 2 feet away and once I got by him I went into convulsions and puking and couldn’t talk so he called 911 and I ended up in the ICU for 5 days.
Then after I finally got home I learned my ex bf had messaged me to enjoy my overdose like he didn’t believe me!!! Was stunned n heart broken.
So if they person is saying they have ways of doing it trust me they do so ask them how and try and help them the best you can. Thanks Kari
Absolutely ask how. If it’s by cutting, make them get rid of everything sharp. If it’s by suffocation, make them get rid of the string or rope. If it’s by drowning, make sure they are never in the bathroom without someone waiting outside the door. If it’s by other ways, find out ways you can prevent access to their method.
my bestfriend is suicidal and she wont stop pushing me away. shes been through so much and I understand why she might think that dying is the only way to stop the pain. ive told her how much i care about her and love her and that no matter what she tries to do, im never going to leave. I remind her everyday that im never going to give up on her. i just want her to be happy again. i need advice on how to speak to her properly. i cant relate to what she tells me so its hard for me to completely understand what she’s feeling.
I don’t know your religious views. But maybe try praying for her and maybe with her. Sincerely pray. If you ever feel like you are not getting through to God or that he doesn’t hear you. But don’t let that discourage you. He does hear every prayer. Don’t worry about not knowing what to pray either, just say what’s on your heart. Also maybe talk to your friend about maybe seeking other help. I personally always hated the thought of going to a doctor. But I suffered from depression for a long time. When I was a child I went to a counselor and it did help. Whatever you do, stay positive. Your attitudes and actions could make an impact on her. Hope everything gets better for you and your friend!
What sort of stuff has she gone through?
Treat her as if she did not tell you anything, but include her in anything that you do. Spend time with her, don’t be judgmental and make her feel loved without blatantly expressing concern for her depression. Just spend time with and hang out with her.
You’ve already gotten some good input from others, and I want to add to it. I don’t recommend avoiding the topic of suicide and depression. Your friend is living with these thoughts and feelings day in and day out. It’s best that she not be alone with them. Ignoring the topic can feel isolating to her.
Check out the Resources page for friends and family. There are a couple articles about helping the suicidal person. I also write about the topic here (“If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide.”)
What do you do when it gets past just thoughts and you start planning things?
Tell someone straight away that you’ve been making plans – ideally a health professional, but if that feels like too much then a friend or relative is the next best thing. It’s important not to try and deal with it by yourself, and no matter how alone you might feel right now, remember there are always people out there who can help.
If anyone here is needing an ear to listen when in crisis I am experienced on a personal level with suicide and will respond. You are not alone and it will get better should you decide to stay with us-johnnyrberg7@gmail.com-a grateful restored life here
My baby sister told me she wants to kill her self today i remained calm and talked to her after wards she was laughing i got her calmed down. I told her to call me day or nite im here
My heart goes to each of you here. ..praying…
Just to add my own comments, I told my father-in-law last week that I had been having some suicidal thoughts and he told me about where he used to go when he felt suicidal. My mind is now obsessed with that place so I can go there to see if I want to jump, cue worsened anxiety and depression. He meant well but adding ideas to a suicidal person’s mind is never a good idea.
Elena, that’s a great point, and I’m sorry that happened to you. I think your comment will help others.
To you who’s reading this, I may not know who you are but I just want to tell something that may help, so thank you for pausing and reading this comment.
There’s this app I found called ‘What’s Up?’ that helps me cope with my day to day living while suffering depression and anxiety. The app looks like a red circle with a hand on it. There are coping strategies there and a forum as well. In the forum we help each other out and talk it out. It maybe scary at first to talk, but trust me it will help you because it helped me too. There are kind hearted people there like you, like us, who are willing to help. I’m not affiliated with the maker, but I might as well suggest it to everyone.
To the person still reading this, you are not alone whatever unpleasant situation or emotion you are going through. It may not be good today, but keep in mind that these problems are temporary. These problems will pass. It’s hard yes, but there is a way out of this so take one step at a time, one moment at a time and have patience. It’s not your fault, nobody is to blame. You matter in this world, every lives matter and you are important. Keep breathing and keep fighting.
If I can live even though I’m depressed and suicidal and tried numerous attempts to do it but I didn’t, its because I fought off my demons and still fighting them now. If I can go to this website and write this and be still alive then so can you, and I believe in you. See? You got to this point and you’re still reading this, and that’s great.
I remember this quote that said “Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain.” So let’s help each other and extend support. Stay strong.
So proud for and of you. Stay near for those struggling-awesome reach out here-bless you
I searched up the app and it actually looks really helpful and also has a sense of fun to it, so thank you for suggesting this!!! ( It made me feel better :> )
Sandra, Thank you for sharing about the What’s Up app. I just downloaded it onto my phone and have had my daughter download it too. I think it might help.
When I asked my GF if she has suicidal thoughts she did not answer at ALL. Just kept crying… I am scared!
That’s so hard. Maybe this article can be a help to you: “If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide.” I hope that she’s not thinking of suicide and that, if she is, she gets the help she needs.
I met someone in a public online server for the game Wolf Quest. She had talked about suicide as if she would do it tonight…. her username is Alari. I have no idea who she is, but she talked about being bullied and abused at both home and at school. I sent her a friend request and messaged her, and she decided to host a private server with a voice chat. Turned out we are using different platforms of the game, which when using voice chat it doesn’t work. I tried joining her server, but I couldn’t. I messaged her why I couldn’t join and now she is offline and hasn’t responded to any of my messages since. I am very worried with how the other player had responded to her suicidal thoughts. They said she was trying to get attention and was making everything worse for them…. I have no idea what to do now. I want to help her, I care for her even if I don’t know her.
How hard for you to sit with this, Alexis! I hope it worked out that night. You sound like a very compassionate and empathetic person. That alone can help. Thank you for caring.
Can I have them committed
Yes, contact your local judge.
A local chapter of NAMI may help you in this.
I am extremely depressed. I have so much anger and sadness built up in me it’s unreal. I used to be so happy. Used to be so close to God. But everything changed because I screwed up. My fiancé broke up with me, and I hurt some of my family. My step dad won’t even look at me. I want so much for things to be better. I feel like I’ve tried everything. The only reason I haven’t went through with suicide is the fear of Hell. I believe heaven is real and I firmly believe in God. I just don’t understand why he won’t take my pain. Why he won’t turn this around. I just keep hoping for brighter days.
It sounds like you are in a really rough place right now. I don’t know what got screwed up, but things will get better, Family may remain mad for a while, but they will come around. Reach out for help. There are resources out there. If you are in the US, a good start is – National Suicide Prevention Lifeline – Suicide prevention telephone hotline funded by the U.S. government. Provides free, 24-hour assistance. 1-800-273-TALK (8255)
Please please you’re not alone in this,
You have to be strong u have to keep your head up,
God Is watching over you
I also felt that way , I don’t fear death ,I just thought about the people who actually care if I died and how they would be affected.
I’m sorry you’re feeling this way. If you “screwed up”, have you apologized for it and accepted responsibility for it? Have you taken steps to correct what you did? Perhaps that’s all everyone needs to take you back into their lives. Perhaps they just need a little bit of a show of faith that you will never do this again. Cut yourself some slack and forgive yourself. Then day by day try to be a better person for yourself. Sooner or later they will see that you’ve changed and hopefully things will work out. I don’t know that God “takes your pain”. You have to find your own path, perhaps he will lead you to it, but the rest is up to you!
U never ever say any of those things it hurt them too much
i dont even care anymore.
When someone say’s that they want to commit suicide but they say they are scared to do it themselves should I not be worried?
Fear can go away once they tell themselves it’s the only way , we can’t doubt that they won’t do it , because they might. the best thing is to stay by their side and show them reasons to live .
Something I hear a lot from someone who actually don’t care
How about life is what you make it. I frigging hate that line… such bullshit!
Talk about blaming the person! If I ever create a sequel to this post, I will definitely include that one.
I have 2 friends and they have both told me they have depression I am really worried for them because they keep talking about suicide. I really don’t know how to help them anymore. Please help
I’m sorry that your friends are hurting like this, and that you’re feeling helpless in the face of their suicidal thoughts (which is a very common way to feel!) I write about some ways to help suicidal people in my article, “If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide.”
It’s going to happen very soon none cares
I care
Please don’t you matter!! Go to ER tell a parent tell a friend if you have, keep going to ER keep telling someone until they listen.
We all care. All of our problems are temporary. Keep fighting
I don’t know what to do….i..I just can’t take it anymore. My mom didn’t even try to help me when i told her. She kept me home from school for one day. I even begged her to help. I know she’s my mom, but she doesn’t seen to care about my emotional needs….
It maybe your mom does not know how much your hurting. Please tell your doctor go to ER put yourself in go with a friend or by yourself. Please keep telling someone until they listen you matter and in most cases these feels you are having are genetic. I am a parent and my son suffers from depression and I can’t see my life with out him!!!!!’ Please keep talking,,,,,
When everything you loved is gone and you have terrible pain to live with daily, suicide seems the only choice you have no reason to been on this earth because you are truly alone. I have always believed In God and that he would show me the way. I feel he is not with me any more. I just want all the bodily pain to end. I can’t take it any more.
Never give up, it won’t feel that way forever. God is ALWAYS with you, he would NEVER stop loving you and he is showing you a path. You NEED to have to have faith in yourself and realise that it’s not the end, it will never be the end. Everything you go through helps build you up as a person, although you are going through so much pain, it’s going to go away and build you up. God has created you for a reason, not to give up. If others can do it, you can too!
My thoughts are with you. My boyfriend feels this way, and I unfortunately am terrified to lose him and don’t know what to do to keep it from happening, as I haven’t been able to calm him down from these thoughts in the past. But I am truly praying for you, and if you still believe in God, know that I trust Him to make this right for you and your life. I care. I truly do, and I’m sorry for the things that have occurred to make you feel this way. but I will continue to pray for a breakthrough and a resource for you. God bless.
I imagine that things feel like endless repetition and that there’s no other way out, but I am here to tell you that you matter and while things are unbearable now, things can and most likely will get better <3
So I am staying anonymous… but anywho. I am 11 years old and I really want to talk to my parents or friends about if I have depression. But I just can’t talk to my parent because they have enough problems as it is. I have been feeling this way for about a year now and I just can’t talk to them. I feel like my dad might understand but… I also have a LOT of family problems now and I can’t find ANYONE to talk to… I have had thoughts about suicide before and self harm but I haven’t done so…. I usually don’t show my emotions or fake emotions around my friends and family. I usually avoid physical contact with other people…
my daughter feels the same- she said she would cover the suicide – so family would not know she ended it and would be less stressed. She has been in treatment daily for 9 months except for the last 30 days. Her husband will not have her back- she lost her job. moved and has no friends- what can I tell her.
i understand.
and no, god is not with you or me or anyone else.
this is it. we are alone.
Fear of “going to hell” if they commit suicide has, in my experience, prevented WAY MORE people from committing suicide than psychotherapy or anti-psych meds. In another post, you say the best way to prevent submitting to suicidal urges is “anything that works”. Well, threats of hell might work for some people. Not many anymore these days, but if the goal is to save as many people as possible (which seems to be your goal, which I don’t nec. share), then why would you take away something that can be very effective, if mean?
than ill just stick to cutting
I’m depressed and I’ve had most of these said to me. Yay.
Hm… There are some people with REAL issues here. I mean, they have REASONS to present. So, I feel kinda stupid commenting here, but… Well, I’ll be an anonymous, anyway. No problem.
I don’t know what is wrong with me… Maybe there’s nothing wrong with me, right? I’m a teen, this must be pretty normal. But, sometimes, life just feels overwhelming… And, I confess, I already thought of suicide. But then, maybe I was going to just run away, hm? Maybe it would be meaningless, since I would not feel anything anymore, neither happy or sad. ‘Cause I would be dead. I’ve been thinking about lots of things lately. And it feels like a movie, which I’m not even a part of. I am just watching it… Even though THIS is my life. I’ve been doing things I shouldn’t – actually, I haven’t been doing things I should. I almost did some pretty bad stuff, too – and I thing I got kinda scared, since, in that moment, I just stopped myself because that was going to cause me too much trouble… And… Oh, sorry. I really should not be… doing anything. Why should anyone care about me? I’m just pretending to be a pitiful one, aren’t I? My life is AWESOME compared to some people’s lives… Hahaha. That’s right. Maybe I’m just acting, and if I keep the way it is ’til now, it won’t get worse. Of course.
Hey I just read your post and I hope you are able to cope with your thoughts of suicide and depression. It doesn’t matter that other people’s lives are worse, there’s always going to be someone. What matters is how badly whatever is going on is affecting you. If you’re having thoughts of suicide I encourage you to continue with life. I know this is a short post and I wish I could help more <3
Can you talk to your grandparents?
As someone who attempted suicide, most of the things listed are why I never did again. So yes, these may not be the best things for some people but for many others this is literally a list of exactly why they didn’t. Just my personal experience, but wanted to make sure it was one that was heard. My love of those around me is what kept me from doing until my temporary situation was resolved.
I held on for these reasons but at the same time, these reasons I knew already and felt guilt and shame for. By others saying them to me I then felt more shame and gilt. Which kept me in a nasty cycle long after it was finally revealed
Sorry you’re having to go through this. Sounds tough. It’s hard to change your parents but it might possibly help if you let them know that you’re really trying and their disapproval hurts you and makes it even harder to meet their expectations.
If that doesn’t help you need to find the approval from yourself. Congratulate yourself on your successes even if they don’t because in the end how you evaluate yourself is what counts. Don’t let anyone take that away from you. If you’re doing your best to please someone and they don’t appreciate it then they are the ones in the wrong. We all need to encourage other people and if they aren’t doing that don’t let it make you think you’re not good enough.
Hope that helps a little.
Be strong!
For other readers who are dealing with family members that refuse to stop trying to kill themselves, please read:
http://www.thehotline.org/2014/08/when-your-partner-threatens-suicide/
THIS IS NOT YOUR FAULT, NO MATTER WHAT YOU HAVE SAID.
My son has been trying to commit suicide for almost 7 years. I’ve take him her to counselors, physicians, he’s been in and out of hospitals for years. We did all the things we were supposed to do, said all the things we were supposed to, did everything we could to prolong his life and make him feel loved.
You cannot help someone who refuses to help themselves.
you can’t tell someone suicidal they’re going to hell. IT ALREADY FEELS LIKE WE’RE IN HELL!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sadly accurate
Hell is supposed to be worse than this “hell” that your living in
Number 11 – Don’t tell them suicide isn’t a solution. Of course it is. This inspires the feeling you think they are unintelligent. Maybe it’s not an ideal solution in your opinion but it is a solution nonetheless.
I really like the ‘Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, I am a teenager and I often tell myself this and it does keep me goin
Unfortunately depression is not temporary.
I often thought of suicide when I was a teen. Now, many years later, I’m sorry I didn’t do it then. It would have spared me many years of suffering.
I wish Philip is dead
Help me with depression!
YOU’RE here for a purpose. Spend time finding that out. Say hello to 3 people. You have helped someone. God made you and loves you. You ain’t Alone.yes I said ain’t. I dont know your situation but I know mine. Dont give up.
I see that almost on all of these comments ppl are being rejected and mistreated. I’m here to help I’m someone who acctualy listens and heres my phone number so u may contact me562 383 3319
I have for many years had suicidal feelings but have always been able to talk myself out of ever hurting myself. I always think of the others in my life that would be affected by my death. It does make it harder for me to try to stop myself when others make comments that make you feel sadder. You don’t want to feel sad and suicidal. Sometimes you just need to express those feelings and not be judged for them. my heart goes out to all that have these feelings . I pray for guidance from the Lord and I get a relief from him.
Im 12 years old i always had that feeling where my parents dont like me and that they like or favor my little sister more. I cut myself and thought of committing suicide but im not in danger of doing it. A few days before my 13 birthday my mom was angry cause i got 2 A’s on my report card ……. She said that i wasnt gonna have a party nor a gift and that i didn’t study and those words killed me. Its been 2 days that i dont talk to her i studied so hard but she doesnt care it hurts cause she thinks i deserve what im going through now all the time that im around them i feel depressed cause they don’t belive that i can do better and now at school all the time i have a problem in math or any subject i think about my parents and i end up panicking and failing I HATE THEM they never think im capable and now im not ……. What do i do?
Im 13 but im kind of feeling the same way, your parents seem overly strict and threatening, i just really want to get away from mine. They expect so much of me, but i really want to do my own thing. I told them id rather be happy than successful and they laughed at me, ive been depressed for 3 months now. My younger sister is always getting all the praise and i feel like giving up on life, ive been getting worst at whatever i do and the only thing that keeps me going are my friends, it doesnt make sense, i feel like im a failed broken human for feeling like this and it seems like everyone would be better off without me, nobody gets my situation and its so stupid anyway, just like me, ill never be anyone, and i shouldve stopped trying long ago
I know parents at times can be unseeing you can talk to them and if they don’t care then consult a professional
You aren’t alone. I think your parents are stupid too.
Go for math tuition classes.
I’m a guy who attends classes with a female teacher.
I’m undergoing UG now.
I wouldn’t have been able to clear microprocessor lab or c practical exam without 1-1 coaching.
Search online for a tutor.
They don’t charge much and you have to travel to their home.
My teacher is soothing and helps me cope with the subject.
You just have to find that special person to help you out with.
That way you get a friend and a teacher.
I am much older than you are, but I passed through a similar experience when I was your age (and at a younger age, actually). I cannot tell you what to do, since every home has its own system, how it works, but for me at some point I talked to them about it. I spoke up frankly, that I don’t feel appreciated, and that I feel their criticism is personal and not really about my performance. Their immediate reaction was not very smart, in the sense that they told me that I am stupid, how can I think that way, that of course they love me, that it is for my best interest..etc. I got the feeling during the conversation that they were being sarcastic, but after it things changed.
I am now in my thirties, and I am a successful engineer (I struggled in math during that time, the irony 🙂 ). I also have an excellent relationship with my parents now. Maybe I am not offering you a solution, but I just thought to share my own story, letting you know that you are not alone in going through that feeling. Blessings, 🙂
13-year-old Anonymous and kayla, I want to let you know that you are not alone. Even though I don’t fully understand how you are feeling, since I have not been in such situations, I want to let you know that I love you, and care for you. I wish I could relieve you of your pains and problems. However, I can express my love, and care for you, and concern for your lives.
13-year-old Anonymous and kayla, I want to let you know that you are not alone. Although I don’t fully understand how you are feeling, since I have not been in such situations, I want to let you know that I love you, and care for you, and that I am concerned for you.
I hope this helped at least a little bit.
I’m sorry your family treats you like that.Do you have anything like Kik or Facebook you can talk to me if that helps I understand.My dad was a bad person he would yell,punch walls,take my mom’s money,he attacked and tried to kill my brother.After my mom left him she wasn’t the same.I get yelled at and blamed for everything.If I get one bad grade I’m in huge trouble she expects me to be perfect but I’m not I’m far from perfect every day I think of killing myself I can’t take this anymore but I’m trying.I can suggest music that helps like Twenty One Pilots and Black Veil Brides they help me….My point is that I understand you can talk to me if you feel comfortable,please try to stay alive and fight it.
Go to your favorite teacher. Right away. Speak from the heart.
Hi I’m here for any1 if u need sme1 to talk to just WhatsApp me 07496725414
I have been suicidal since I was around nine years old. But I never discussed it with anyone ’til I went to college. There, I saw a sensitive, kindly university health services psychiatrist who later arranged for me to see a woman she thought was one of the best therapists in Boston. Over the years, I’d see many therapists and doctors, try many drugs and therapies (including CBT & DBT), I’d even have bilateral high voltage ECT twice. And through the ordeals every single individual would PROMISE me things would get better. It was as if everyone else had access to empirical evidence I did not. They all knew that merely holding on and doing as I was instructed MUST translate into my getting better.
I don’t claim to have more answers than anyone else, but I do claim two things: (1) I know my life far better than anyone else ever could, and (2) I am no less sane than the average human being–meaning I am competent to make judgements about whether or not I want this particular life.
I won’t catalog here the nearly innumerable ways I’ve tried to change my life. I won’t detail what the major problems that drive me to suicide have been/are. It is enough to say, honestly, that for more than 25 years I have tried earnestly EVERYthing the experts have told me, and things have only gotten progressively worse. Far, far worse.
Have you ever noticed that when “the community” comes upon someone under 25 who is suicidal, there is an immediate rallying to point out to the person that everything will get better and they must hold on? Yet when those teenagers turn into me, decades later, hundreds of thousands of dollars poorer for having invested in therapies and drugs and professionals, and are even more suicidal, this elicits either impatience (“You’re an adult and you haven’t figured out life yet?”) or utter disgust (“Ewww, you’re old. Hurry up and die already.”). This to me speaks to the hypocrisy of the anti-suicide pundits.
Oh, I remember the first time I called a suicide hotline. I was a freshman in college. My roommate was gone, and I was alone in our shared study room, on the floor, crying. I’d called my mom who swiftly gave me the “be-a-man” speech. I hung up the phone after that and called a suicide hotline. The call lasted less than a minute. The man (and I think it is important that the person was male speaking to another male, as I think a male operator would have treated a female caller differently) told me–I couldn’t make this up if I tried–that he was busy and had to get to other calls. Then he hung up. Less than a minute.
I’d call suicide hotlines about six more times over the decades, and try online suicide chats and email services about six times, too. I got platitudes and barely contained boredom from the various staff. One woman even told me my problem was that I didn’t have any friends so I should get a cat.
And then you enter your 40s. You’re old and ugly and useless to society–unless you’re very rich and very powerful. Even if you’re an expert in your field, you’re just a tool, like a trusty hammer. Friendships–not that I’ve had any–have faded and no one is interested in knowing you because you’re not hot-and-young. Everywhere I go I see young people laughing and enjoying each other’s company. I can go WEEKS without speaking aloud. My best friends are check-out people at local stores. I’m the nicest guy in my neighborhood to the UPS guy. I’m that person who has a conversation with the one or two wrong-number callers every year. Finally, you realize the biggest mistake you’ve made in life is listening to the experts. You could have saved yourself decades of pain, loneliness, isolation, shame, desperation… had you done in your 20s what you knew to be right.
No, things never got better. They got much, much, much worse with every passing year. And the prize I won for holding on–for following the “experts’ ” counsel–is becoming invisible, despite the fact that my pain is greater than ever. No one gives a damn because now I’m just too old—and we all know that suffering is the natural lot of the old.
If the only people who matter to us culturally are the pretty and young, or the extremely rich and powerful, and we refuse to create a culture in which people can reasonably survive (affordable costs of living, well-distributed resources, available jobs paying enough to survive AND save, treating one another with courtesy and dignity…), then it’s monstrous to demand that suffering humans whom we don’t care about and won’t help REMAIN alive and suffering.
I would really like to hear your story. I don’t want to convince you anythingg, just to hear you out. I’m 19 and I had suicidal thoughts myself (but I’ve never been in real danger of committing suicide) and I have a few friends with depression or/and suicidal thoughts. I’ve always looked up to “profesional treatment” (but i’ve always said to myself that we can’t get anything without our parents finding out), so I’m just curious about your (new) perspective and about you in general. email me to mihnea_serban_romania@yahoo.com if you agree to tell me more. Even if you don’t, please let me know here or on my email.
Hi NobodySpecial, I would just like to say I agree with pretty much everything you’ve said. Why put one foot in front of the other just to move a little further in a line you don’t want to stand in? We do only covet the young, they are not only good consumers, you can use them for marketing too! Life in modern society especially in places like America that are so socially culturally diverse, the only thing we really have in common is what we spend our money on…it has become our culture. But consumer culture is a desperately lonely one. So why follow along with it? Why not quit your job and travel across the country in a van (if you don’t have family to support)? Redefine what happiness means to you and make concrete changes in your life. Making these leaps probably is terrifying, and lonely (but you’ve had a lifetime of training to deal with the inevitable social isolation that comes with brave acts). I can’t say you will feel better, but at least you did something YOU thought would work and not some “expert”.
I’m sorry I feel as if I can understand similarities in your story
The one surefire thing that’s made me step away from considering it even a little seriously is that…death could be worse. Whatever happens after could be…even worse than this.
I’m 51 and know exactly how you feel. I don’t want out because of a bad break-up with a boyfriend. I want out because life has pushed me shoved me slammed me around so much I can’t see straight anymore.
@anonymous thanks for your comment, if you are being serious then I appreciate that… There is no button to reply to replies so I had to make a new comment 🙁
if Anonymus isn’t checking this page soon, I might listen to you 🙂 mihnea_serban_romania@yahoo.com
My wife recently told me she longer loved me and we should go our separate ways. I’m devastated she is was everything to me. I dont want someone to walk in and find me dead. But would it so horrible to just walk out into the forestry and not be found. I can’t start over and the only time my mind and body are at peace are when I think of ending it
I find it extreamly strange that thinking about suicidal makes me feel… at peace (these ARE the right words) but it does sometimes after a fight with my girlfriend. We can talk if you want, speaking with a good friend that knew how to deal with me helped me ease my pain. In my case pain faded in time as things settled down, but your case is not quite the same. Let me know how are you doing.
I have been feeling suicidal lately, I have had the feelings on and off since I was in high school, I am now in my 20’s. I never had friends that were real, every person I’ve ever met has always tried to take advantage of me, or stab me in the back, the current friends I have now always exclude me and make me feel unwanted, everyone does, its always been like that. When I confided in my mother how I felt she told me the 10th thing on the list of what not to say to a suicidal person. She always says that to me when I tell her how I feel, other times my mom makes me feel so unwanted and unloved when she says how she can’t stand to be around me. I have no brothers and sisters, I have no friends, I have no one to go to for any kind of moral or emotional support, my whole life I’ve been rejected and discarded, a teacher once said things would get better after high school and I would find true friends, but I still have not found them, I only keep finding people who want to hurt me, its not just people in my age group who want to hurt me, but I’ve been hurt by people older than me too, even people 20 years older than and even 30 years older than me have hurt me, I have met all kinds of people in search of a friend and they all hurt me in one way or another. Someone even told me to put myself out there if I want friends, which I have done, but I only get badly burned by them, I met strangers on the internet and college and in the street, they all are the same to me, its been like this my whole life. My cousins all hate me too, I’ve got no one, I feel like a total failure in life because I should have a small group of friends or 1 best friend who I can go out with and see movies or talk to on the phone. My phone never rings, no one ever invites me to anything ever, I have done major favors for people I thought were my friends, I have gone out of my way for people to show I was a good friend but all they did was discard me, talk badly about me behind my back, steal from me, one blocked me, one beat me up when I was 17, and others stole from me.
When I go out and see people with their friends, it makes me feel this awful feeling, like I know I will never ever matter to anyone ever, I feel so unwanted, I feel like I was only born to be hated, and that makes me want to jump infront of the next on coming train at the train station, and I feel like no one would even care if I did that.
I hope you are feeling so much better now. You will find people in your life that will love you very much and not hurt you often. Even people who care about you a lot can sometimes hurt you, mistakes happen all the time humans are humans. But please do not give up, you will be happy. I wish the best for you and all struggling with awful feelings.
I feel you more than anything. I am going through suicidal thoughts everyday and it is killing me. If you want anybody to talk with, I would do my best for you. I hope you get better soon…
Hello,
Please help me, my wife is having suicidal thoughts, everybody in her work throws more work at her which just makes her feel worse.
She sees no hope for the future and feels like she just hit a dead end. I don’t know what to do to help her.
She’s not diagnosed with a depression, every doctor we go to just says it’s temporary and she needs to go on holidays but i know she is in a deep depression and i’m afraid she actually commits suicide…
What can i do?
Hi,
I would probably suggest that you should try and get some form of counselling for her? If you can, try to organise a get-away for her sometime soon, even if it’s just for a weekend.
Depending on the situation, you could also just be there for her, and support her so that she doesn’t feel too alone with her depression.
Make sure that you have a proactive approach to helping her through these hard times, and if she doesn’t already have a good sleeping schedule and/or diet, encourage her to establish these. Exercise is another way to help relieve stress and promote emotional well-being.
All the best for your wife and yourself <3
Hello Mr. John, I appreciate your comment in this page.
Well, maybe I have not married yet and I have no experience in this, but some words could help anyone better than you think, right?
I think, you have to accompany her as her husband. Such as telling her something good, something nice of life, the point of life. Love is needed in here. I know that you love her, so do that.
If you could talk to her Boss, please talk. But maybe it is not that easy. And you can help her in home, when she come back home, you could give her a warm hug, and you could say “You did your best honey, let’s take a rest.”
Get done all of her works in home, she might be impressed by your effort to prevent her from suicidal. And… Yes you can go vacation to free yourself. I mean, to remove your stress. You can yell as much as you want.
Give it a time. Time is the best healer.
God Bless You, John. 🙂
I suggest you take her out make her happy get a job so she doesn’t have to work as much (I don’t know if u already have a job so) be there for her isn’t that why you married her u love her take care of her
Hi anyone who reads this. I feel for all of you out there – knowing someone who’s close to you with suicidal thoughts is hard.
If you’re reading this and are contemplating suicide, please don’t do it. There’s always someone out there that you could talk to and get help from for this. Once you commit it, there’s no going back, and if you can’t see how things could possibly get any better go and get help from a professional. Good luck <3.
Instead of saying these, try this:
Hope it helps!
I am a disabled veteran who lives in constant pain. I did attempt suicide in 2002..but it got better. My kids grew up. The VA finally started treating me for nerve pain instead of muscle pain. After being homeless, I was approved for SS and VA disability (36 years later)..I have grandchildren I never see enough of but truly enjoy. Then one day my adult son gets angry..tells me he is never speaking to me again and I should kill myself…so I am right back where I was…abandoned..lonely hurt..in therapy….the good thing about therapy..it gives you an actual mature adult to talk to other than a family member who is on your side…so maybe my son and I will forgive..or perhaps never speak and I will love him anyway because a mothers love is unconditional.
I’m so sorry you are going through that. I’m a single mom of 3, but they all grown to a point. Just las week my 18 year old try to commit suicide. She was with her dad, she is with me now. But the pain that this cause is ameizing. I’m still trying to find my self. And do to her act I lost my job and my oldest daughter is also doing what your son is doing. But I try to stay strong as much as I can. Is not an easy thing. Especially when I have to worry and care for her and also find a way to not lose my place, and help my 17 year old with his baby that will be here in September 29 and we don’t have anything oh and my car broke down. All this and so much more going on like I also have a lot of health issues. I did thought about putting an end to my life at one point. But somehow god has saved me. And here I’m still FIGHTING on my own but FIGHTING… There for I’m so glad that you can still keep on going. Don’t give up. And thank you so much for your service and god bless you❤❤❤❤
Sometimes, you can’t find enough courage within you to actually speak to someone. I have OCD, social anxiety and suicidal tendencies, which doesn’t help. At a certain age, there are things you can’t do that would help you, like leave the house, or take private phone calls. But if these mentioned things were said to me, it would make me more convinced to do it. Am I alone there aswell?
HELP I’m talking to a girl right now who is determined to kill themselves weve been dating for a couple weeks but she has been getting bullied realy bad for years what do I do I love her
can you talk to her parents about the bullying? they can help her, like, moving to a different school, or have them talk with the teacher or the bullies’ parents… but ask her first, would she let you do that?
or just recommend her to find someone to talk to online, find ways to make her feel better, watch some promotional videos or do a “fight song” karaoke and just have fun together. Tell her that the world is not so bad, considering there are still many people trying to help with someone’s suicidal problems despite not knowing who they are 🙂
I have told two people about my wanting to die. My most trusted said she’d be sad. Relief flooded me. Then she broke it and said: I’ll also be mad. So many people say that suicide is selfish. I know that. But I do know suicide is a way out. A way to end the pain. End the pain for others, and then yourself. No matter what you say, someone’s going to doubt you. Sometimes, it pushes you over the edge. It pulls the trigger. It tightens the rope. It puts the pills in your palm. It kills you.
It won’t end the pain for others though. My family went through immense pain with my brother for nearly 30 years but we would all take that any day over his suicide. I don’t want to be selfish in saying that my love for him was more important than his pain. I know that’s not fair. I just want to be clear about that part of your statement. His suicide is more painful than anything else he could have done alive. I’m not mad at him. I get brief moments of anger but it never sticks. But I have that right. With his life, he also took part of me and my future. Why can’t I be mad at that for a moment? But I’m more confused and sad and hurt. Why can’t we tell suicidal people how we feel about it too? That we would be devastated. That it would shatter our world as we know it?.. People who attempt or complete suicide feel as though the world would be better off without them. Why can’t we tell them differently?
I’m so sorry and sad that your friend’s words hurt you. But please understand that they’re out of love. And whether it is your friend, or a family member, someone loves you more than you could ever know. Someone’s life will be shattered without you. I hope you can find help that eases your pain. I can’t imagine that kind of pain. I only know my own pain from the loss of my big brother and the guilt for not knowing or being able to ease his pain. I hope your pain eases. I truly do.
My boyfriend said he wanted to kill himself and grabbed a knife and started to cut. I grabbed it out of his hand before he could cut deeper, how should I deal with this… he needs help
“are my feelings not enough to keep you alive? maybe you think you’re worthless and all, but for me, you’re precious. Your flaws that made you feel disappointed in yourself? they are a part of you whom i love. And this scarred hands of yours, is going to be the only hands i’ll never let go”
will this help?
It’s weird though because even though you don’t want to end your life, you somehow wonder the life your living in is still like hell and pain.
Thanks now i can kill without getting the blame thx
Thanks for writing this. I’ve felt suicidal in the past but also had a friend commit suicide when I was 17. Because of that experience, it’s really hard not to remind friends, when they’re feeling suicidal, that I can’t stand to lose them. I don’t want them to feel guilty but it’s been years now since I lost my friend, I’m actually in a better place than I have been before and I can’t afford to watch another friend I love die so soon.
considering the comments are moderated before posting, I did see some very foul language on here. That is not respectful, and not necessary. Saying ‘f ing bull shit’ for example.. 🙁
You’re right. People severely depressed and thinking of ending it all should know and act better.
Get over yourself.
Here we are talking about suicide tendencies and foul language is what upsets you….
Besides foul language what is it. A simple word like any other. What makes words like fing bull shit so much worse than words like building, crow, pineapple, tree….
The concept and meaning behind words are just conceptual. Some human invented these words and therefore only has meaning that you give.
If someone cussed you out in a language you didn’t understand but smiled while doing so would it upset you.
Cussing is a way to express ourselves the way I see it. Telling people not to cuss is telling them they cannot express their thoughts.
I have multiple chronic health problems as well as severe ocd and tics. Everything is too much for me, cant tolerate any stimuli at all, adrenals are burned out with long term stress. My body is falling apart and my last breakdown left me worse than ever. I am practically housebound and my life is a nightmare. I have no friends and no partner, been alone for many many years. Im in my late forties and suffereing so much.
Drugs not helped, therapy not helped. Done everything… Health a mess through all the years on meds to try and help,. In fact now i have additional problems because of long term meds. There is no help, I tried everything. No social workers, no support workers, nothing. The NHS don’t have the funding anymore.
Just the option of even more drugs… and they made me like a brain dead zombie who cant even think.
I just want to die but can’t because I couldnt put my mum through that kind of pain. It would finish her off. I could never be so cruel. So I have to live in this eternal hell… hoping for a miracle. I ring the samaritans; and often make customer service calls, making up any excuse just to hear a human voice. I used to be in groups but too ill for that now. Meds just made me too tired to move.
I am forced to live this hell, and all I do is break my heart crying every day and spend every night alone. the evenings are the hardest. I can talk to my mum during the day on the phone but she goes to bed early and gets really tired. I have lots of creative interests, but too exhausted and brain fogged to be able to do anything. Without meds I have panic attacks. Just reaching out… not asking for any help.
Hi there, English is not my first language… but i feel for you and your condition. Try to hold on to the parts when you love yourself. Eat something sweet. Maybe an old funny movie…
Don’t give up my name is Rage Ryan and would like to help you anyway I can be a pen pal .maybe give out my number you sound like a strong fighter and think you still have Alot of fight left you just need a little nudge to get you positive
I know you are struggling. I have often found music to give me relief. My personal favorite is Wilson Phillips…Hold on.
God Bless
We could be twins.
You’ve pretty much described my life.
(Except for the fact I have no parents. But I do have a husband and children.)
I’m hoping for that miracle painkiller and cure for Anxiety Disorders too.
I moved to a little town in Colorado a year ago and met my best friend here, Josh and his partner. Josh and I especially immediately bonded and quickly became the ones we both turned to with everything. Good or bad.
Lately for Josh it’s been bad. Fighting with his partner. About to be evicted. He’d confided in me he tried to hang himself.
Thursday night some very erratic behavior caused me to leave his home. He called and said his partner left too and asked me to come back. He had told me earlier in a text and phone call he was going to kill himself. He’s said it before and I would show up and he’d want me to drink with him and said I kept him calm and centered.
The erratic behavior that caused me to leave happened with my husband present and therefore my husband said I wasn’t leaving by myself to go to Josh. Josh didn’t want my husband there. So I just couldn’t go. Truthfully I didn’t want to argue with my husband and I was just exhausted.
Josh killed himself sometime after we spoke. His partner texted me 730pm Friday “Josh killed himself”
I should have done so many things and I’m in shock. I haven’t even cried. I just want to be angry at him but I’m Finding myself becoming enraged at myself. That’s all I feel right now.
From what you say .. It seems to me you have had a really traumatic experience… But I’m hoping that your husband is the most important relationship for you and you have appreciated his lead in suggesting how you were to respond to Josh’s erratic behaviour.
You are not responsible for Josh … You are responsible for yourself and your relationship with your husband is of paramount importance…
Grieve for Josh but don’t blame yourself… Josh did what he felt he had to do ..and that was his choice in that moment … He owns that moment… He would not want you to take that away from him nor hold yourself responsible for it..
But I know you know the situation better than me and please forgive me if I have been presumptuous in my response…
Go well .. Live as good and fruitful life as possible..
Many Blessings xX
I need to die for the pain and hurt would stop if I wish I had someone to tell I want to die
Elizabeth I get it. Agony from the past sticks to the physical depths of my bones and has robbed me of my soul. I attempted suicide on 12/30/15. I intentionally took over 80 tablets (which I won’t mention because I don’t want to trigger anyone)
Mind you, I weigh 100 lbs. I’m a very tiny woman. I was so SO sure that I had calculated the meds correctly (been nationally certified in pharmacology for 8 years)
But low and behold, I didn’t die. I didn’t even go into cardiac arrest… Not once.
My parents found me 18 hours after I took the overdose and slit the fucking hell out of my left wrist.
I was within 6 hours of permanent liver damage due to my OD (intentional, I knew my liver would begin to fail)then a few days later the liver enzymes skyrocketed me to certain liver failure only for my body to recover just in time, again. Same thing happened with my mental state. I was completely psychotic seeing shit and hearing shit that wasn’t there. Which honestly I figured I’d be dead before that would happen.
Long story short, you are so worth it. And I understand hating yourself to the point of demolishing your own identity.
Just know I’m here
-Anna
Please hang on. We don’t know each other, but I feel the same and hanging on because I dont want to hurt my mum. She would die of a broken heart, You are not alone, have a hug and warmest thoughts.
https://www.crisistextline.org/
I’m 14 years old and female. I’ve been having suicidal thoughts since I was 8 years old and gave been swerving in and out of depression, I’ve never talked to anyone else about this anymore and I can’t take it. No one is picking up the help lines and hope lines, my parents would just think it’s a stage i’m going through as a ‘teenager’ but it’s not, sometime I just breakdown in the middle of class and have to make excuse like ‘I tripped or my cat died’. I can never get the courage to talk to anyone about this face to face and I’ve had absences of over 70 days at school due to extreme depression and consequently having to faking illness to my parents. I’ve started throwing up these past few months, extreme migraines and I cant get to sleep. My siblings are just stressing me out more and more and I can’t take it. I really need help someone, please. Thoughts of killing myself just keep on coming back like demons, and they make me guilty. What would my parents feel like if I committed suicide, they’d feel like they did a terrible job as parents but they are the most loving parents I’ve ever met and had, they just don’t know how to listen, again I please ask for Advice, guidance or/& help. Please.
Please i beg u look for proffesional help…i just lost my little brother never knew he was depressed i wish i knew what was going trough his mind so i can have helped him out…now i beg u think positive stay strong u r really important i can assure u that…we r going trough hell right now knowing my brotger is gone and not knowing why….please love urself take care of yourself..God is with u…i hope u can take my advise and look for help …God bless u
I think you made an important step in sharing how you feel. I don’t know you Isla, but your words touched me in that they told me something about the strain you’ve been under, and the burden you carry. Thanks for sharing this and telling how things are. You may not know this but your words tell a story that many other people can relate to making them feel less alone. In all of our lives it is this isolation that often takes us to the darkest corners so thank you for reaching out, keep doing this until you’re heard.
It’s important to know that even though I don’t know you I would far rather you live. Reach out and keep reaching because there is no shame in your brave words. Tell someone because you deserve to live and by saying what you have already, you have told me that in your heart you want too.
I’m so happy you posted how you are feeling. In all honesty, I am literally twice your age, and I remember feeling EXACTLY the same way you do now when I was 14.
In my experience, my parents, at the time, reacted to my telling them I was depressed as you expressed: ‘oh it’s just a phase” etc.
Here are my two mantras I probably say 400000000 times a day
Nothing is here on purpose
Nobody belongs anywhere
Everybody is going to die (one day)
Life isn’t fair and I have to accept that.
My email is acurran1088@gmail.com feel free to email me ANYTIME.
Isla I want you to think about your future driving having kids getting married graduation you have a whole life ahead of you and I know it’s hard being a teen going through these things but it does get better and I would talk with the parent you feel closest to and ask if you can talk and then just let it all out and ask them for help I promise you life gets better
My wife and my marriage meant everything to me a few months ago she began having a series of lurid extramarital affairs.
In an effort to put distance between us she taunted me daily with facts and details of men she had met and things she had done and how much she wanted out of our marriage so that she could pursue a casual sexual lifestyle free of relationship or commitment.
She told me that since we were still married we could still have sex but it couldn’t be about love because having to pretend she had feelings for me was repulsive but if I could manage to do it like a stranger she was okay with it.
One day I put a gun to my head I told her “you’ve taken everything from me, the woman I love, my dignity, my manhood,..explain to me why I shouldn’t blow my brains out”.
Her response was “you’d never do it because you’re a coward’
She stepped back spread her arms wide, palms up and smiled at me,waiting for me to do it.
It wasn’t until I realized that this is what she wanted that I stopped.
Our divorce is going to be messy we live in Florida half of everything is mine I purchased our home with my VA loan so without me living in it she has to refinance it or sell it.
My Suicide would have given everything to her and she would have looked like a confused victim and the families would have rallied around.
About a year before all this happened she told me that the only man she ever loved was her High School boyfriend
Coincidentally, a few months before, I had driven her to Mississippi to attend his funeral . He had shot himself in the head and died after his wife left him.
I’m not sure if this is where she got the idea but in hindsight I feel like I endured over a year of emotional battery. A calculated and escalating campaign to drive me to suicide.
The popular term is gas-lighting.
It turns out that she had a plan B. She had gone to work after every argument we had had in the last year and written down the details of everything we said.
She took a stack of papers about a half an inch thick went to the courthouse told them that I had attempted suicide with a loaded weapon that she didn’t feel safe living at home with me especially since I was aware that she didn’t love me and was having an affair.
The State of Florida does not have temporary injunctions so they granted her a permanent injunction.
I am never allowed to see or speak to her again and I’m not allowed in my home.
She managed to secure everything just as if I’d actually pulled the trigger.
Hindsight is a real bitch before any of this happened we went on our usual weekly date night and she looked so pretty that I took a photograph.
Looking at the photograph the other day I realized that tucked in the center console of her car was a printed Yahoo map to the Titusville Florida courthouse where she got that injunction.
It’s clear to me that she had plan A and plan B very carefully set in place I suppose I should be thankful I’m only the victim of Plan B. I’m wondering if plan C was to kill me herself.
The man she was having an affair with was an ex violent criminal and meth addict she began bringing him to the drop-off point when I would visit my children and at one point she enouraged my eldest son(from a different marriage) to confront him in the parking lot of an abandoned restaurant.
After they broke up this man later told me that it was her plan for him to confront my son to get me to cross the street violate the injunction and go to jail so that she could permanently take my younger children from me.
Oddly enough this man with him she had the affair this is one of the few people who suffered through my wife’s plan as I did.
We have become as near to being friends as is possible. He feels he was used by her because of his diminished mental capacity due to drugs.
He also was told that we had been divorced for 2 years and he was not aware that not only were still married but that when she left his bed she returned home to mine.
We were both victims we still talk occasionally on Facebook.
Christopher I applaud your tenacity! Don’t EVER give up and please fulfill your fatherly role for those children. Karma will catch up to that ex wife. As a woman reading this, she embarrasses me as a woman ! Stay focused and strong. And congratulations for surviving this brutal emotional attack.
I am very sorry you had that experience and I hope you are seeking help and are feeling better now. I went through a divorce last year, nowhere near as bad but I too felt that way and he abandoned me when I said i did. It was not your fault and it does not make you worthless. I wish I could hug you and tell you things get better. I pray for healing and for you to feel loved again, with or without a partner.
a lesser man would have killed her and i would not blame them, your story shows your strength of character, the fact you were able to share this is truly outstanding and i wish you the best, you survived a truly horrible experience and i could never imagine such pain and misery, i applaud your strength sir.
sir, please take caution. I’ve heard so many news about people using their wife / husband to gain money and all that, most of them ended terribly. Planned murder is what i am worried about… what that women did to you might be just the beginning. Perhaps you could make a plan B as well, like secretly talks about it with families… or write secret letters about everything she had said or done to you and send it to your trustful friends or family members ( just in case if you won’t be there to testify ). I hope this helps?
I’m so sorry that you had to go through all this Christopher. I will never understand how bad women can have good man and good women have bad men’s. All I can honestly tell you is that you do your best to be honest and a good father. The truth will always come out. I am a single mom of 3(now 20 years old 18 years old and my baby boy not baby any more 17 ) and a grandma of 3 and soon #4 . I haven’t had it easy at all since my originally is mexico. Being in a country were you don’t have any one and were you are in an abusive relationship is hard. But my love for my children kept me on FIGHTING against everything that came my way. I’m not going to play perfect because I’m far from perfect, but I did try to kill my self several times but never made it, it always something happen that stop it. And the times that I did die (surgeries and car accidents)4 to be exact. The Drs made me come back to life. Now that my daughter 18 years old try to kill her self and swing how she was gone 3 times right in front of me and that I could not do anything to save her it made me realize the pain that the people that do love me would off felt. Is the worst pain ever to see someone that you love so dearly die and come back and die over and over again. I wanted to to take my life out me and give it to my daughter. Now I am going through a real tough situation because I’m still alone and dealing with this situation. There is times when I just feel that I’m going to lose my mind. Since I lost my job do to her attempt and my car broke down and don’t have the money to fix it. But I just hold on to god and I try to find ways to keep on going. As I try I found this page and that’s how I keep my self on finding ways and reasons to keep on going. You seemed a good person don’t give up. Everything happens for a reason something good is on its way. That’s what I tell me self keep positive even when everything seems impossible… I have fait in you… God bless…
I am a,44 y/o wonan and I have been battling Depression, anxiety, ptsd, I have attempted suicide numerous times. My grandfather had successfully committed suicide, and my uncle had successfully killed himself with his wife. I have 2 grown children, and 3 grandchildren. I have been in and out of hospitals and been through therapy. my question if anybody can help is, How do I get help without medical insurance? I have a husband but can’t get any help from him, medical is too expensive for him to put me on his plan. I don’t tell him about my suicidal thoughts anymore because he just don’t care, examples I fired a gun but unfortunately missed and,his,response was “Are you crazy, I could lose my carrying permit” but the is when I’m at the place I am in now where you can’t even find one thing to hold onto,Saturday I was in one of them moods you can’t get out of and I told him how bad this is and I am going to kill myself his response to that one was why are you trying to ruin another night for me. But he says he loves me, yea okay. I did try to get help myself today because as empty and hopeless as,I am I do know what the impact of a suicide does,to the,people left behind. I called the suicidal help line, they gave me 2 phone numbers okay, I called and both places,will not help because I don’t qualify for Medicaid. Any suggestions I’m at the end of the line here.
No easy answers, i wish i did. All i know is that as i am sure you know, depression runs in families. You need to stick around to help your grandkids. What if they end up with it? Who do they have to turn to? Keep their pics with you at all times. They need you!! ((Hugz))
I wanted to reply to someone else who’d commented on your post, Miki. You know better than anyone else–about your own life circumstances–that there’s “no easy answer.” I recognize I’m projecting, but platitudes when it comes to suicide push me over the edge.
But I can offer empathy. Whether intimate partners, spouse, or friends, everyone I’ve ever confided my suicidal feelings to has either lectured me in that patronizing tone usually reserved (why, I don’t know) for children who haven’t yet figured out something adults have; yelled or cursed at me (like that helps); or offered hastily strung together hollow, ineffectual platitudes. In either case, besides making things worse in the moment, either group eventually either disappears (total abandonment), or if they cannot leave, turns abusive–emotionally violent.
And the suicide hotlines, at least for me, have been a joke. I guess they’re “staffed” by volunteers, so what can you expect? I’ve been hung up on, laughed at, told they were too busy to talk (even under a minute) and I should call back when I’m sure I want to kill myself (I couldn’t make that up if I tried), and told my problems are my fault because I don’t subscribe to the listener’s worldview.
And let’s not talk about so-called professionals. Let’s really, really not start talking about them because then I’ll start either to cry or to fume.
So, no, I don’t have advice. I think if any of us had good “advice” we’d have used it ourselves and wouldn’t be here now. But I get-it (capital-G). I’m terribly sorry any of us hurt so profoundly we’d rather cease existing than continue suffering. I’ve wholly abandoned talking to anyone about my feelings and thoughts about suicide. I’m as sure as a human can be I’ll commit suicide soon. In the meantime, I’ll do everything I can to be what people need me to be–smiling, appearing happy, sociable, well-adjusted, NOT-in-pain. And never, ever, ever talking about anything negative.
Such is our modern culture. Be fine already or we’ll rip you to shreds. Being negative today is like the sign of witchcraft (was) back in our colonial era. Welcome to 21st century Darwinism.
I am an 18 y/o male who is currently taking up BS Nursing in a prestigious school. I have good grades, not that high and not that low. I am already a 3rd year nursing student. And right now, I have been feeling depressed. It got worse now that we are in a psychiatric ward shift (And yes, I dishonestly passed our mental health test).
I have experienced depression since grade school. I was bullied a lot – not physically.. but verbally. And at that age I was already thinking about suicidal attempts. I tried to find out ways to accidentally die other than getting hit by a car or getting stabbed at night. I used to hide in between our mattresses so that I would get squished if someone would suddenly jump on the bed or something. Well, it was only the thing I could think of when I was a kid.
I never got any help – not even once because I never talked about it to anyone except here (this is the first time I posted something like this). I don’t have a close friend. I don’t have anyone who is trustworthy enough to know this side of me. They all think I am a cheerful, lively, happy, good, smart, hilarious person who would never get depressed. For the past months, I cannot hold on to these emotions anymore. People keep saying “What’s wrong? I see you’ve gotten quiet lately.” That’s when I realized that I cannot control this sadness anymore. I want to have someone to talk to. But all I see are fake people who would tell everyone what I have been going through. I always think that I would be blackmailed once I tell anything about myself to anyone.
I think about committing suicide wherever I go. I think about what would be the best way to die in this place or that. I want to have a suicidal plan, but I always think about the money spent by my parents since the day they prepared for my existence in this world. I do not have a very close relationship with my family. They are only for laughs and good vibes. I would never open up to them. I don’t think I can.
I can say that I did not like my college program. I never knew what I wanted to be. I don’t know what I wanted to do in my life. I actually fail to see myself in 10 years from now. But, I know I want to have a house, a Siberian Husky and a family.
I always think about who would cry on my deathbed, who would attend to my funeral and who would tell me that “I knew what were you’re going through. I wish I would’ve had talked to you when I had the chance. I’m sorry.”
I hate people who negatively rants about suicidal and/or depression yet they are uneducated on this topic. I just want to punch their faces to say that “This is a real thing people like you underestimate.”
Please tell me something to overcome this condition. We have already studied about suicidal & depression and sadly, none of them helped for me because the managements are for those who are already diagnosed with depression. Hence, we already know what to do with these kind of clients. But what about a person, like me, who has no one to talk to. And apparently, I do not want to talk to anyone face-to-face. I feel more comfortable typing here and waiting for an answer.
Dear 18 yr old male nursing student – please don’t ever take your life -every day is new and there is a reason you are here. You simply don’t know why yet and haven’t experienced enough of life to realize the importance you have here today or in ten or twenty years. Please do something for me – since you are a nursing student you may understand this … The brain cannot maintain a high stress state when it does one of two things 1. Physical things like sit ups , running , boxing ,swimming etc and 2. By using the brain to think … Like listing things… How many presidents can you name , math problems and the such ….. For at least 5-10 min consistently. When the urges take hold …. Have a plan or a go to activity you will do until your body helps you to stabilize again. Trust me when I tell you – being 18 and at the beginning of your adult life is extremely stressful for a lot of people – you are not alone !!! There are crisis centers everywhere – call them – they will talk any time of the day or night ….. I have to say … You are quite a thinker and have been for a long time. Please be patient with the hurt part of you and nurture it as you would someone you are caring for in your profession . It is a strategy that may work for you…. If you are afraid to socialize… Go to the parking lot of that club or gym and visit it a few times until you are comfortable – go in an just ask a question then sooner or later you will be ok to go in and people will talk to you – I know they will. Please stay alive young man … Someone needs you here I promise that to you….
18 year old male nursing student – I stumbled upon this website while trying to educate myself on how to help people who are suicidal. What to do and what to say. I haven’t gotten past reading what not to say, so I hope I don’t make any mistakes talking to you. I have to tell you, by the time I got to where you said you always think about who would cry on your deathbed, I was already crying for you. A perfect stranger is crying because of the pain you are feeling! Your words caused me to care. It’s understandable that you hesitate to open up to people around you if you feel they don’t really care, or won’t hold your confidence. I did note that they are asking you what’s wrong, but your instincts are telling you not to open up. That being said, can you rethink opening up to someone in your family? Are you saying if you aren’t happy and cheerful they aren’t interested? Have you thought about what’s the worst that can happen if you did confide and ask for help? You’re afraid nothing will get better by telling them, but do you think it would make things worse? My other thoughts are the doctors, nurses, and professors you must have around you who understand depression. You can’t turn to any of them? I’m just asking these questions so you’ll give your options more thought and maybe, just maybe, you’ll figure out where to take your first step in real life. You’ve already taken a huge step by confiding here. I’ve personally received so much help from opening up on computer message boards, and have close relationships with people I’ve talked to, but never met in over 15 years. Somehow it’s easier to talk to them and they know more about me than most people I have around me every day. It’s a great way to learn from people who have been through life experiences that you think you can’t get through. They’ve been through a lot and survived, and give a whole lot of insight. What worked for them and what didn’t. Even to just have someone say “I understand and I’m here for you” gets me through situations I don’t think I can handle. This is why I say opening up here in writing is a huge step. You’ve already heard from people who care about what happens to you! I hope you came back to check for replies. I love the advice about using your brain to think, and to get your body moving until you stabilize. Ok, so you asked what to do to overcome this condition. I know you can’t do it by yourself and you HAVE to figure out how you will get help. This isn’t sudden for you. You’ve been depressed since grade school. You need to be under a doctor’s care. Medication could be your answer. Medication kept me alive when I had a plan to give up 30 years ago. Now I’m married with two children, two cats and a house. I wouldn’t give up for anything in the world now. My brain stopped telling me I wanted to give up when I received treatment. I don’t know if anything I’m writing will help you. Like I said, I hope I’m not saying anything wrong. The reason I want to know how to help people is because I didn’t know how to help my brother and he didn’t make it. I didn’t even know enough to tell him to get to a doctor and ask for help, or just come home and let us help him through the steps. He didn’t ask our dad for help because he didn’t think he would understand. In reality, he would have taken immediate steps to help his son, even if he didn’t quite understand what he was going through. Please understand there is no shame in asking for help. The alternative is by far worse. You don’t have to feel this way, and I promise you suicide is not the only way out! Like BC replied before me, you can call a crisis center. They are there because they care. They know how to help you. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
Thanks BC and MA for replying to my post.
I don’t think I would be able to open up like this in real life. I know that there are people out there who would talk to me about my life, but I cannot bring myself to call them. I think I want someone to figure out me and this problem that I’ve had for so many years (I think this is the reason why I opened up here in a public website). Unfortunately, I highly doubt that that will ever happen. I just want a trustworthy person to confront me and tell me: “Let’s find a place to talk. I have nothing to do for today anyway, and you also have nothing to do for today, so we can actually talk for hours.”
In reconsidering opening up to my family, I don’t think that will ever happen. I don’t want them to worry or change the way they look at me. Everyone, including close relatives, thinks that I am very happy about my life and the profession I got myself into. I told you: I am excellent in hiding away my emotions, especially to my family and relatives, because there isn’t something to be depressed about with them. I don’t want to change that. I don’t want them to think that, after all these years, all along, I am mentally ill. If ever, I repeat, if ever I would be admitted in a center for mental health, I don’t want anyone to know that I’m there.
I don’t think there isn’t something physical for me to do other than exercise. I have been bullied plenty of times. While most of those, as I said before, were verbal, I was also bullied physically especially in sports – which is why I am not good in any sports other than chess, if you consider that one as a sport. And even in chess I was verbally bullied, even by my team mate’s parents. It sucks a lot, I know.
One more thing about me is that I never (or most often) do not show my feelings of embarrassment whenever I got bullied. I think that made me a more bully-target person. I just smile to them while thinking about how should I kill them in my mind. They don’t think I get frustrated to them at all. Well, I don’t think anyone would think I would get frustrated, because I accept those torments about me and even enhance it more by telling everyone that I’m like this and that. This made me a jester in my late high school years until now in college.
In the past days since my post, I have gotten worse. I have this almost-like-a-compulsion to reply very negatively or with relation to committing suicide. An example would be like this:
A: Hell week’s coming, and after that, we would be fourth year college students. Isn’t that amazing?
Me: Yeah
B: God, I wish this semester would end already
Me: (talking to myself yet loud enough for someone to hear) God, I wish my life would end already.
A & B: (laughs out loud)
There is some truth to what I said. I am not offended by that because, as I said, I am a jester. Hence, people would laugh at me and even thank me for making them laugh in the midst of stress. I also don’t really know if that is a compulsion or I just want people to laugh. Some people think that I am really going through something bad but not to the point of severe depression which may lead to suicide.
Lastly, my grades are considerably getting low each semester since the 2nd semester during my 2nd year in college. Our grading system is 4, 3, 2, and 1. The number 4 is the highest that we can get while the number 1 indicates the lowest passing grade. I always get a line of 3 in my weighted average, but last semester, my average fell below 3. That is something unacceptable for me because in order to enter a medical school that I like, I have to get an average of 3 and up. I did not entirely like my college program, but it does not mean that I hate this profession. I am actually liking it now that there are more interesting courses than before. If ever my average continuously drops until I graduate, then expect bad things to happen. Obviously, grades have a great impact in my depression. As I get more and more depressed each day, I tend to become more and more inattentive and unfocused in everything that I do.
PS: One more thing you should know when talking to people is that don’t ever EVER make promises, especially to people with psychological disorders. Not everything is absolute and not everything is possible.
More PS: If you happen to know a person like this, please don’t hesitate to find out that person (fortunately, you would find out who I am) in these words. And, if you successfully broke the code, please form your words carefully before trying to speak with me, because trust is something very rare for me.
Dear Dash, I came across your story while trying to find help in responding to a friend that I fear may be suicidal. I think it is encouraging that you are openly speaking your mind on this forum even if you can’t bring yourself to talk to your family. I can relate to the stress of nursing school as I am an RN myself. You are so young and life changes so drastically over time. Keep thinking about your positive dreams like wanting that family and dog. I am not a depressed individual but my husband struggles all the time with suicidal thoughts despite our very close relationship. Stress seems to be a big trigger for him. He once attempted suicide….just lost in his own thoughts that everyone would be better without him….So not true. He is my total soulmate, a wonderful father, and grandfather. I suspect you have many people that love you and it would really help if you would open up to them. Depression runs in families….even the weather can effect your mood. I dont really have any magic words, I wish I did. All I can say is to try to force yourself to focus on the positive. My husband just forces himself to endure another day because it is almost always a little less bleak in the morning. Big Hugs, Melissa
I do understand, this is some fucking bullshit it always feels like if you say something to anyone then everyone will look at you differently and people who have never thought of this will never understand but what can you do every day is a challenge and it really does feel like nobody understands because those who do understand are also feeling the same way, what can you do but just keep it to yourself, its not like anyone will really take you serious, but this is the mindset that keeps us silent when there are people that want to truly help, just because they say the wrong thing at first does not mean that they dont get you but that you need to explain to them in further detail and keep in mind that not everyone will understand and that is ok you just need to reach out to more people than you are confortable with and they will help just because the first 5 people ignored you does not mean that the 6th cant save you, live with the pain and lift the world up one more day to see if that one person comes along that will help you carry such pain.
In the past (not recently), I have talked in a group about my life and it failed. Apparently, it is a group I very much dislike, but due to our professor, I was forced to talk about myself to the group. My relationship with my group got worse. I felt more detached than ever. I think I just have to talk to the right people… but now, I don’t feel like getting in touch with anyone. Oh well, life is not gonna get any fairer, isn’t it? I just have to continue this damned life by flying with the crows and swimming with the sharks.
These things to say, indeed seem harsh in first place when i cope with demotivation (many times, recently). People respond “you just have to accept it, that’s life” or “Dont you see people who smile when they suffer so much” like i am stupid, and thats not THE EXACT thing i also think to feel bad.
But on the other hand, they remain true. These are hard things to hear, but so is life.
I actually gained much help to unthink about suicide scenarios, when i realized that i should treat it as a CRIME against my loved ones. Also, if i don’t want to “feel guilty” by reminding how i am supposed to try hard in order to live, and have no other sane choise, but also i hate lying and childish empty words about “optimism”, then what the hell am i supposed to hear??
OK, i think i may disagree with you, because every case and person is different.
I’m 25, married, 2 children… My husband is in the national guard as well as in the FDNY. So you would think that I’m ok. The truth is that I’m not. I’ve been feeling depressed lately with no emotional help from anyone. The one person that I want to make me feel good, never has time for me. Or feels that I’m annoying. A mere hug that I ask for turns into practically begging. This hasn’t been my first time having thoughts of suicide. I’m running out of reasons to feel good about. He’s very successful, while on the other hand… I’m not. I’m a store manager who gets shit pay who if I were to divorce him…. Wouldn’t be able to make ends meet. Of course he’s made it clear that I wouldn’t be able to. Clearly I’m fed up. I try to remember the good times; but it’s hard to when so much pressure has fallen on me. I feel emotionally dead and worthless. I don’t know if it’s that I’m too needy or if he’s just too much of an introvert to give a shit. I need help but I’m too ashamed to do so.
My husband has your same feelings. However we have been married a long time and I am slowly learning about depression. It is very hard to understand depression. I realize it is not me or something I am doing. It is a disease. Please go to a cousoler. Tell your husband what is going on. Like me he may not know what to do or how to Handel it . I promise there is help and you have a bright future a head of you. Please communicate with your husband. Good luck and a God bless!
Hello mrs. Broken I wish I could talk with you in person.you don’t have to be ashamed to hey get help.its never to late. I’m also a mother of two and my husband works in law enforcement. But I tell you there is no better love than the love of God.my children gives me so much joy.just being around them knowing that I have something of my own that I can love and that I know is going to love me back. I’ve always wanted someone to love me and now that I have my children they give me so much love.it’s not you. You’re not doing anything wrong you just want what you give to others.your not needy or worthless.women make it happen. If there was no you it wouldn’t be no him. There’s a reason for him staying put and that’s because he loves you. Right now he can’t see and cherish life because he’s so busy working that he’s probably tired and he knows he has a family.but you don’t need anyone but God.maybe you should go back to school or do something that you love to do.I wish just wish I could talk to you in person. I also work in mental health. Just know that just because you need help doesn’t mean your crazy.we all need help but in different areas of our lives.in love what I do and that’s helping people. Mrs.K
A child is better off with one happy parent than two unhappy parents. If you aren’t happy with your marriage then tell your husband, and try to work things out. If that doesn’t work then get out of the relationship. Money cannot buy happiness and where there is a will there is a way. You can do anything you set your mind to, including being a single parent. Any bumps along the way will only make you stronger. There is only one person who can make you happy and that is YOU! Your children are innocent bystanders in all of this. It is not easy living with the reality that your parent gave up and took their own life. I know this from lived experience. My dad took his own life and was not there to walk me down the isle when i got married, he did not get to meet his beautiful grandchildren. He missed out on so much and my children and i missed out on having him around to make priceless memories. Don’t think of the things you don’t have. Right now you need to focus on the things you DO have.
What your asking from your husband is taught to be seen as needy or clingy. Yet the truth of the matter is the ones who are like that, unless “truly crazy” are the real ones loving and genuine. The ones that act cold either are cold or are doing it as a façade to fit in.
Tell him how u feel
i’m 20 Year Old Male
I Feel Guilty That I want to die, Because of My Family, I’m Living Alone Now. My parents Already Kicked me out from house many times. They Always hurting Me. but i was doing the same. i know i’m not person who can be loved by someone.. because My Past Is So dark and bad.
things i’v Done i’ll never forgive myself, i wish to throw away My past but how? it’s stuck in my head and every time i’m thinking and judging myself..
i cant talk about that anyone because.. there is no justification about things. and it’s something worse than kill someone, or even it’s not something crime. my family i know they don’t care me anymore but they’ll hate me finally.
now i’m changed and i’m wondering how i was living with my sins i did. how i was looking in my and my family’s eyes. if they were knew this before ohh i don’t want to imagine what they gonna do or think about me..
now i’m living in my life.. life nothing more than mental illness, i’m not contacting my sister and non of my family members. i don’t want to they love me anymore.
and these feelings and minds killing me and i don’t know why i’m still alive. i need someone, i’m holding in this painful life, i want someone who’ll change me, who’ll love me and trust me again.
i want to start my life over but what about my past? It’s my 20’th Birthday and i wish i was dead when i burned in my 3’th year.. i’m nothing, 20 years wasted in hurting other people and helping my ***self. i’m working 10 hours in day and only 15Mins Break time… coming at home and sitting alone like zombie without any emotions.. i’m already missing human happiness. in this world nothing left to me.. only thing why i’m holding on is my family.. that i’ll hurt them if i end my life. but what? they’ll move on and they’ll simile again, they’ll remember me sometimes maybe. i want to push myself finally and end this.. not only because i feel pain also because i’m not someone who should live in this place.
i want to cry, i want to smile.. smile truly and not for someone, i want to get told from someone i need you. but i don’t want to live in lie anymore..
There is nothing you can do to change your past. You can however learn from your mistakes, forgive yourself, pick up the pieces and move forward with life instead of continuing to punish yourself. You are an adult now and it is normal for adults to live independent lives. If you have made changes to be a better person and your family is unable to forgive you then be at peace with that. You cannot control their thoughts and emotions but you can control yours. Think positive thoughts and get positive results. Think negative thoughts and you will get negative results. You cannot expect to make other people happy when you cant even make yourself happy. Learn to love yourself first and the rest will fall into place.
My boyfriend is transgender, and suicidal. Last night he talked to me, sent me a suicide note through email, and I ended up talking to him and promising him a better future, because I love him and I want the best for him. It always helps when I remind him that we can live together when we’re adults, and we end up talking until midnight or later. I do care about him and I want him to get help, but it seems his mom is all talk when it comes to that. He told me MONTHS ago that his mom was planning to get him help, and as far as I know she never has (and as he’s neither improving nor getting worse, I doubt she’s done anything), one of the first times he threatened suicide and I tried to contact her she never got back to me. She acts like she cares, but then she won’t get him help! He asks that I not mention it to his mom, and I’m starting to wonder if there are underlying problems in addition to his orientation and gender identity. I’m in the process of talking my mom into letting me visit him for a week this summer, should I be on the lookout for any signs of possible abuse or neglect? It seems she’s always favoured his younger brother a bit, but I’m very worried that something is up since he’s not improving.
It’s a long story for me but I am a 37 year old male, married, and a father. I’ve had countless suicidal thoughts in the past. I made not so well thought out plans such as; drawing a warm bath and sitting there holding a knife, staring down the barrel of a gun. Just taking myself there I guess is abnormal. Although to Me it just seems like perhaps I wallowed too long in my own misery and beat myself up too hard. But I took it too far finally I suppose. I have been trying to deal with a multitude of unresolved circumstances in my life. I won’t cry to ya’ll strangers about all of them. I do believe most of ya’ll are hear to give helpful advice but I don’t find it necessary because to some it may seem like a lot but others wouldn’t think my suicide attempt was warranted. I want to die so badly. I feel so guilty about it. I love my kids and wife. They love me too. I love my other family members as well and I know me going would enrage and devastate them. I love them so why would I do that to them. So selfish it seems. To me they wouldn’t miss me like they think they would and couldn’t possibly relate to my struggle because they haven’t been in my mind and lived my life. I will say that my marriage has been awful and my wife battles addiction now these days along with severe depression. People don’t know I’m depressed because I rarely say it if I do I never let on how bad it is and just keep chugging along. I decided to end my life a few ate ago after a rapid series of events that just overwhelmed me like I had never felt. Normally I might just crack a beer open or escape at work but I got laid off along with 60 others and quit drinking after a recent event a few days before my attempted escape to go be with God. It started after a series of events that I couldn’t resolve fast enough and so they just piled up with more waiting to join. I started weeping. At first uncontrolled, then for my wife to see how bad it was for me ( because I rarely cry ) and then uncontrolled while making an “Ooo and ohhh” noise mumbled to myself “She doesn’t care and nobody cares” Then I walked upstairs again and said to myself ( out loud ) “I’m gonna kill myself”. So all the while moaning now in a sad state with a pain in my chest like a mild ache of empty mess, like when you exhale completely. Maybe I was doing that unbeknownst to myself. I dunno. I blame myself for every little thing no matter if someone picked my pocket or I left my wallet in a public restroom. I would beat myself up and tell myself all the ways I could’ve avoided the outcome of not having a wallet and so it no longer happened. Some would say it’s good to do that but they don’t know of the abuse I gave myself in my own head. I must’ve done this way too harshly lately because I walked into my closet and grabbed a wire hanger. I sat under a blanket holding the hanger, thinking abusive thoughts to myself. In some part of my thought was how do I show others how I’m feeling so they comfort me. I needed love is all. Or a lot of money lol. But mostly it was just attention. Someone to take time out of their lives for that moment and comfort me. They couldn’t fix my problems and nor was I seeking a remedy from anybody. I just wanted to be able to get out what I was stacking up inside myself to someone that wouldn’t judge me for being weak, or call me irresponsible, selfish, mentally ill, unstable, crazy, a loser, and pessimistic. They just don’t understand how I felt. How I feel. I feel completely justified. I feel that I wish she hadn’t of come up there looking for me out of some luck because she rarely does and was napping on the couch downstairs before I went up. I sat there under that blanket hiding. Hiding from my kids if they were to come up. Hiding from the world outside my mind. Just Satan, God, the wire hanger, and I. I started twisting the wire hanger around my neck. I practice martial arts and am aware of cutting the blood flow and know very well the sensation. So I started slowly. Crying and turning the wire. I got it tight so that it was hurting but not restricting blood flow too badly and so I could back out I felt easily if I opted out. Then I heard her call my name. I thought well she’s looking for me so I should let her find me in this state so she sees that I need love. Minutes went by. She was looking all through the house but never the closet. She started opening doors and I felt that there was a good chance she would look in our closet. I twisted the hanger until I could feel pressure in my eyes and see the hanger bouncing with my heartbeat. I woke up to an angry and terrified wife. She said my head was purple and that she couldn’t believe that I had done such a thing. I hurt her, I didn’t think about the kids, there was something wrong with me, and she also said she loved me. Then she left to the doctors office for an appointment she had to get Suboxen for her treatment. I was just numb and hurt. She didn’t care with her actions. I know she was in shock but I just wanted a hug. Maybe to be held. I showed maybe the most vulnerable side of myself that I could muster up to her and she just hasn’t given me a hug or hardly a kind word since. It’s been three days. I haven’t left the house. I just have been her with her or my kids. Feeling ashamed and I just know I added 50 more problems to an already overwhelming multitude of them. She wants me to go to the ER. She knows I won’t. I lied and said I was just master bating, lol it’s not funny but she knows damn well what I did and I only say that when she wont stop caring on about me going to see someone. I don’t want medicine, I don’t want treatment, I don’t want to talk to some desensitized know nothing who wants to hand me pamphlets, prescribe me some BS meds, tell me what they’ve repeated to someone else that day, and then now I’ve got to deal with this whole new addition to my troubles. I just want to die. I just want to be loved. I just want to resolve all the issues that are weighing me down but instead I clean dishes or do laundry or watch tv. Now I’ve become OCD, pessimistic, and have insomnia. All of which I hadn’t been since that day. I’m tired mentally from lack of sleep, loneliness, and stress. Last night she left and said she and the children would not return until I sought a 72 hr somecrap that I don’t feel inclined to do. I’d rather just wallow in my own misery in loserville. She had the police come to the door last night to check on me. I just told them I was fine and for them to have a nice evening. Like I’m really going to confide in a cop when I won’t my own wife. Wow that was rich. So I want my family back. I need help. I’m a disabled Vet who has a 10% so I can get treatment there but I’d prob be waiting a month to get an appointment. I have insurance till the end of the month. But I just lost a 120k job and I was the only only breadwinner so with bills looming I dont feel justified spending the last of our money on my weak self. Im so sorry for this damn essay. I just want someone to understand the best I could explain so as by chance they could point me in a good direction per my circumstance. Please I’m asking for help. Will anyone answer my call? Thank you for bearing through my sob story, it was a bit therapeutic to get it out. May you all be safe and be loved by someone.
I’m sorry that you’re feeling this way. I came here for help as the man I am dating confided in me that he has been having suicidal thoughts. Please know that it always gets better – and that YOU ARE WORTH spending money on to get better. I know that meds seem like a bad idea to you, but maybe it would help to get on some as you are beginning the job hunt. They can help just get things moving in the right direction in your brain for you to make the changes that need to be made. Sending you lots of love, internet stranger. If your family is a big source of unhappiness, I would say to get a divorce. Life is too beautiful and short to be spent miserable. You can get through this! Hugs to you.
I’m truly sorry that you’re feeling so alone in this. I wish that your wife had been able to support you more effectively. I don’t think it makes you some kind of monster that you want to die despite having a loving family. I think that given your extreme situation, it’s a very human way to react. Frankly, you sound like a strong, level-headed guy that’s been through the ringer and just isn’t getting a lot in the way of support and love. It sounds like you’re under a tremendous amount of pressure and it’s taking its toll. I want very much to help you. I don’t know what the answer to your situation is, but I’d be happy to listen to you and help you work through things. Maybe help you find some free resources in your area if that’s something you’d be comfortable with. Maybe not a cop or a trained active listener haha 😉 But I know from experience that reaching out for some professional guidance can be extremely helpful if you’re feeling a little out of your wheelhouse, and it doesn’t make you a nutcase or weak, just a resourceful human. I think it’s important that you take care of your needs, too, if you want to maintain the ability to take care of your family’s. It sounds like you just need somebody in your corner. I’m not a desensitized professional, I promise 😉 Let me know if I can help!
M1k; Please please please do not hurt yourself. My heart and mind is crying to you right now. I am at work and have been wanting to volunteer my extra time to those who are at risk. I am so deeply touched by the anguish you describe and pray you realize there are people who’s paths you are meant to cross. The brain feel stress, as you do. If you 1. do something physical for 5 min, (such as sit ups or push ups) your stress level will be reduced. 2. If you do a brain exercise (such as time table or word find book or cross words) after 5 minutes, the stress level in your brain is reduced. The brain cannot tolerate high stress and utilize the above techniques at the same time. Please please do not hurt yourself. The devestation of losing you will envelope the hearts of those who have loved, do love and could love you.
Thank you Kind Stranger. I pray the man you are dating feels better soon. He is lucky to have someone so caring to search for ways to help him. You are indeed Kind.
Erin, I would absolutely accept any help you would be willing to give. It means a lot to me for you to offer to help point me in the right direction to get healthy. I had a bad night but this morning I feel hopeful. I don’t think this hopefulness will last very long. I’m just beginning to become complacent in this funk of a mental state I’m in. Thank you both.
Just Me, I appreciate your concern. I have been doing some stretching and exercise the last few days and now that I reflect, because of your comment, afterwards I felt in a much better mood. I hadn’t correlated that relationship at all and I was unaware that I had helped myself relieve stress. Now that I know this or that you have told this information I will focus on that as a type of relief. It’s just so hard to motivate myself to do more than shower or do small chores around the house. Being lonely and without any transportation is hard to cope with for me. I feel very alienated by those that I thought cared about my well being. My wife has still held firm on her stance and has abandoned me in my time of dying. That hurts so badly. I have no way to see my children as she won’t bring them around me till I get professional help. My family lives hundreds of miles away and her family hasn’t even made a phone call or text to me and I know she has told them her side of things and what I’ve done. I can’t help myself feel so resentful. I feel so tormented. I just want to show them all that I wasn’t bluffing. That I need them. That I wish they felt I was worth the trouble. I feel like I’m obviously right to feel like I feel and that I’m evidently not worth the trouble. I’m not worse a day in their lives much less a few minutes. I don’t want their comfort if it’s not genuine anyhow. I haven’t told my family and I don’t want to. It’s enough that my in-laws have alienated me. I don’t think it’s wise to risk me having to cope with my family feeling helpless to comfort me and blaming themselves for my condition. I want to be amoungst those that care. I want to be alone. I want myself to care. I just need help. My pride is killing me. My confidence is waning and I just can’t bring myself to put any effort in my own self. So why should anyone else I guess. You can’t help those who won’t help themselves is a cliché people love to throw around recklessly. I absolutely need to do some work on myself. The task seems like far too much work than I wish to perform. I guess I will go do some push-ups. Thank you for caring enough to make your comment. It meant a lot that you gave me a glimpse of hope.
M1k3, now that I’ve seen what you wrote I’m glad you reach out to me! I wished we lived closer to you guys so I could have been there to give you the hug you needed. But know this I will always be there for you…remember mom’s motto the four musketeers! We were a tight knit family and we will continue to be…that’s what family does lift each other up and take care of each other! I love you so much! And will see you in a few hours.
I’m a disabled veteran. If you want help, you can go to ANY ER and tell them you’re a veteran and ask to be transferred to a VA facility. Addiction, hurt, depression…it all sucks…Ive been dealing with it all since 2004…the VA has some great programs to help you…if you want the help. I pray you will find the road that saves you…
thanks this helped a lot
Is it bad if I honestly want no-one to stop it, but I feel like I should tell someone for their sake?
You feel like people will be affected by your decision and want to give the proper respect you think they should have.
It is a common misconception that suicide is the unforgiveable sin. Suicide is a murder of self, however Christian murderers are forgiven, however uncommon. The unforgiveable sin is denying gods existence not because the proof isn’t there, but you simply want to deny him, evidence or not, continued disbelief. Not to say suicide is any more acceptable now, but your christian parent, sibling, or friend probably ended up in heaven 🙂
Well, as a person who’s had suicidal thoughts, plans but not attempts (because I got interrupted and then chickened out): suicide is not self-murder.
I never thought I wanted to “murder” myself. I still don’t (thoughts came back recently). It’s just that when you have a mental illness like depression you truly believe that this is the only way all the pain will go away. It’s a reaction to intense pain. There is no comparison to how awful Major Depression feels. Like you are incapable of feeling good feelings. (I got As on my test but didn’t feel good. Instead I cried because I literally couldn’t feel happiness or pride in my work.) And then there was the pain. Think about how sad it would be if your youngest relative you are close to died. Then double that excruciating pain and you’ve got at least a LITTLE taste of what it would feel like.
Just be careful with terms. Don’t call it self-murder. It’s not. If anything I would call it manslaughter. You aren’t in control of what your brain is doing to you and in reaction to that lack of control you plan your death. I wouldn’t even call it manslaughter actually. I’d compare it to having a Psychopath (mental illness) handing you a gun and telling you to either shoot yourself OR submit to horrific torture. Not self-murder at all. That implies guilt and intent.
*Just to clarify to anyone else who is reading this and thinking: good. “Now I don’t have to be tortured anymore by my mental illness.” Imagine that your psychologist or therapist is an ultimate fighter. He or she can fight the Psychopath (or at least train you how to fight it yourself). Although your mental illness may not want you to tell. (Mine sure as hell doesn’t.) You have more than two options. The third option is to bring in your treatment team for support. (I’m being hypocritical here but I feel my situation is different. However, to other suicidal readers: tell.)
While this article covers the gamut on what shouldn’t be said.. It offers very little help on what one should say or what actions should be taken when one is faced with the dilemma of hearing someone they may love or care about, speaking on taking their life.
Found out last week my freshman son in college tried to kill himself, i have talked to him and he wants to figure what if any steps he wants to take on his own. I feel he should seek professional help. Any suggestions?
You can call the police always. If he would be willing to take medications, that has helped my brother who attempted many times to kill himself. Since he found a medicine that works hes been more stable but thats more long term. He need to go to the hospital if he has a plan to kill hkmself
My kids refuse to understand my depression and have even turned their back on me at my time of need making it worse. I feel as if they don’t care and don’t love me. I have begged for help and intervention, sent them numerous links to help educate them and to learn and understand what I am going through. Now, my 25 yr. old daughter has move out of the country and my 20 yr. old son has shut me out of his life. Help!
3 days ago and no one has responded? First time I’ve ever looked up this stuff. I’ve tried everything with mine and only medications have helped, and weed. If you haven’t tried them, it’s worth a shot. Medication at least. Don’t want to try to be some weed pusher. I think someone with education and experience in depression should be talking to you. I’m right there with you. Just had to chime in and say, I understand. It’s ruined so many friendships, relationships, jobs, you name it, in my life. You’re not alone. Guess that’s what this place is for?
Hug
Call your local community centre they will help you. I am a Social Worker and I care about you…reach out Sunny days are in your grasp…..
I can be of no help I don’t think. I am going through a lot now too after my attempt. Which just added to all that I had before. I only wanted you to know that I feel like perhaps we have similar thoughts and feelings of helplessness with no one to hear or answer our cries. People don’t brlieve in depression. I didn’t really until a few days ago whe my wife saved my life finding me hiding in our closet with a wire hanger wrapped around my neck. They see us as weak minded, cry babies, and/or hypochondriacs who just want meds for an easy out instead of facing our problems. Our families think we only want attention and that we are selfish. It’s a terrible place to be in. Have you sought professional help Broken Mom. I love you and care. Please respond if you can.
I’m a 13 year old girls who has thought of death for years. It’s just me and my mom. I havenf slept in years because i feel like something is watching me. I’ve wanted to end it for years now… The only reason I haven’t is because it would hurt my mom. I want to tell her but idk how and if I did she might just think I want attention or something. What do I do?!?
http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
Olivia,
I’m sorry to hear about your struggles. It sounds like you’re living with a lot of fear and pain.
Please talk to your mom. I know it can be scary and you don’t want to upset her, but think how much more upsetting it would be for her to find out later that you were hurting like this and she didn’t know.
And if your mother doesn’t respond the way that you want or need, please talk to another adult, like a teacher, physician, minister, coach, friend’s parent – anyone who’s in a position to help connect with you help you need.
You can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK) 24/7, and there’s a crisis “text line” where you can get help, too, by texting “GO” or “START” to 741-741. For other ways to get help online, by phone, or by text, please check out the Resources page.
Keep in mind that not sleeping (or not sleeping well) for a long time can lead to big problems, like depression and suicidal thoughts. Yet it sounds like stress is causing your sleep problems in the first place, so it can become a vicious cycle where you don’t sleep because you feel bad, and then you feel worse because you don’t sleep, and then you sleep even less, etc.
Hopefully when you tell your mom or another adult you will start getting help for your suicidal thoughts, sleep deprivation, and fears about being watched. Good luck to you!
It’s important that you tell your mom. She loves you. These are feelings that’s temporary and she will seek finding you help. It would hurt her worst not telling her.
Have you ever thought about counseling and there’s alot of help out there. it’s hard to express your feelings when your a teen I had the same issues
Honestly I have felt this way alot and I never have told anyone cause I’m suppose to be a happy quirky weirdo so I try to be that but I honestly hate myself and I have had almost all these things said to me and it just made me feal worse
Hi, I love the perfect opinion that suicide is wrong. I am 60 years old, intelligent, healthy, and reasonably attractive. 50 of those years have, uh, sucked. Others were worse.
I have personally been called an attention seeker just because I will show that I am depressed. But what people don’t realize is that after holding it in for so long it gets hard to hold it in anymore. They say “Oh your not really depressed” or “You have a great life”. And I will admit, I do have a better life then others, I’m not abused at home, I have a place to live, I have a roof over my head and food in my stomach. But what about everything else. I lost my best friend when I was 12 to cancer. I have been physically, verbally, and emotionally bullied since 1st grade, I was being pushed into lockers, pushed into the fence, pushed into people, had things thrown at me, had rumors going around about me when I was in 7th grade saying that I was pregnant. But yet I was a virgin and actually still am. I’ve lost numerous family members since 2013. I talk my friends out of suicide ever night, then I go to school in the morning and people wonder why I freak out if one of my friends aren’t their. I have thought about suicide in the past and I have self-harmed. But the only people who know that are my family, and people that I have known for years. My best friend was the only one who tried to stop the bullying for me, but then in 6th grade she was in the hospital most of the year because she had cancer. I will never forget the day that I found out she had passed away, and she will always be in my heart.
Lindsey I just wanted to say that you sound awesome. It sounds like you have a lot going on but it’s so nice that you look out for your friends like you do.
My mum recently told me that she was considering suicide, that’s what’s brought me here. I wish my mum had a friend like you in her life.
I’m so sorry to hear about your friend but keep supporting those you love and remember to look after yourself first and foremost!
Im sure you might not think it’s worth anything… but im sorry to hear that, and even if its not worth anything at all… its the thought that counts right?
Life is all PAIN my mom is in a nursing home. My back Pain, my body is in Pain from top of my head to the tip of my toes. I’m on 26 surgery and counting .Fuck Life and I love my family. I HATE PAIN, I hate my self. !
I believe a person would ironically be less likely to view suicide as an option if family and friends were honest and understanding enough to state that:
Yes, by every objective measure the rest of your life will largely suck.
Yes, you have presented objective facts that this is the case, and you are old enough (say, 50+) and knowledgeable enough to make such a determination.
Yes, vague unsupportable claims that ‘things might/will improve’ are insulting.
Yes, you meet every criteria that would make suicide a logical and sensible solution.
Yes, we can’t offer any legitimate argument for not committing suicide but we want you to stay for our sake.
Until we can acknowledge the dishonesty and selfishness of those who rail against suicide, I don’t think any truly meaningful discussion can take place.
I was diagnosed with BI Polar 2 disorder years and – I’m also told I have all the traits of emotion instability disorder.
I’ve always been employed – I needed it and was proud of it. Lately my employer grew tired of me and how my condition has recently been more challenging. Hence the fact I got sacked.
It’s been the last straw for me – I often have thought of killing my self, it’s been comforting to think of my way out. But now it’s thick and fast and each time the plan progresses , the plan on how I’m going to do it.
Honestly, I can not discribe how bad I feel, all the time now. I’ve lost the last thing that’s made me , me.
I have no friends – at all. And 3 members of my family who constantly worry about me. If I went eventually no more worry.
Hi my closest friend ever is suicidal. Even thinking about this moves me to tears. We can only meet each other at school due to distance but school is closed for vacation, the situation is getting worse and I am not in the same country right now. There is also a less chance to connect with her and her family. I want to tell my mother about this but I am scared. Please help me.
I’m afraid to talk about my suicidal thoughts because there are a lot of consequences. For example I’m afraid my parents will think I just want attention or sympathy and they constantly ask after a stint if I’m suicidal or thoughts of hurting myself I mean CONSTANTLY it embarrasses me. I am a very angry person anything can cause suicidal thoughts or cutting, I used cut a lot . I feel I have no hope I know if I will continue like this I will DEFINATLEY kill myself down the road I need something or else something bad will happen. I need and want help
I am extremely depressed and think constantly about suicide?I feel as though I have no one, not one person to speak to about my situation. If I tell my husband that I just want to die because I am so tired of my kids disrespecting me, my husband disrespecting me & never ever does he take my side with anyone regardless of the subject. I always supported our family until 2012, my husband has always had crappy jobs with NO benefits. I feel that the children have learned to disrespect me simply by watching him do it also he never intervenes when they do. I was raised in a drug house were I was sexually, emotionally & physically abused for as long as I can remember, the only reason it quit is because at 13 I became pregnant?I had my son who was a child created by rape. I left home at 16 with my at the time BF who was good to me. As soon as we moved in together he started to physically abuse me, this relation went on until I started dating my now husband who I feel saved my life. Before I left my BF I did have a son by him at the age of 17. My husband and I have been together since I was 22, we have a 17 year old daughter and a surprise 5 year old autistic son. I am so miserable and feel that there is obsoletely no reason to live except for my sweet 5 year old who needs his momma. I have no friendships at all, even my family doesn’t speak to me nor do they love me. I am medicated and have been since the birth of my daughter. I have been to two different therapist, my medical Dr and 2 psychiatrist all within the last 6 months. I have been stuck in this deep dark hole for months and cannot seem to pull myself out. Tonight I told my husband that I wanted to die so badly and his response was “do it then, if you want to die so badly do it!” I have plans on how I can but cannot quit thinking about leaving my sweet 5 year old who completely depends on me. I am by no means a confrontational person and would never physically hurt anyone. I have always been so passive which people friends and family alike have taken total advantage of. Everyone knows that they can say or do whatever they want to me because no one will protect me and I have never been able to protect myself. My oldest son is an addict, my second to oldest joined the Marines and got a completely awesome job shortly after coming home. He got hooked up with a girl from his childhood school who he use to hate. She “accidentally” forgot to take her BC and got pregnant before they were dating a year! Me and this girl have never been friendly at all! She has tore my family apart even worse than it was! My sister who was my very dearest friend likes this girl and has completely replaced me in my son’s life. She cannot see how mean and spiteful this girl is and believes that I would not like anyone that my son choose to be with even though I loved his prior GF. I am not allowed to visit my grandson and my son hasn’t spoken to me in a year! I missed my grandsons 1st Christmas and his 1st birthday?I have begged my sister to intervene and help me make things better with me, my husband and our son and his GF but she continued to say there is no hope. She babysits my grandson almost every weekend but I’m not allowed to see him. This is the number one issue in my life, it is killing me! My 17 year old is so mean that I sometimes forget that I actually birthed this child! She is disrespectful, mean and spiteful to everyone but seems to especially hate the site of me? I thought I did everything right with her, Girl Scout leader, camps, museums, zoo, soccer, softball, dance and anything else that she needed to thrive but she still hates me! I am baffled by it. I have 3 plans to take my life and could do it tonight! I first want to right a letter to the couple people that have loved me regardless. I also forgot to mention that I have several health issues which leave me in pain 24/7. Can anyone give me a reason why I should not get this miserable existence over with NOW?
Dont worry everything will be fine……just trust in god and god will fill your life with joy and happiness
C.K., it’s not clear to me whether this is your sincere advice to Sabrina or whether this is something you would add to the list of things not to say to a suicidal person! I certainly think these sentiments would be appropriate for the list of things not to say, as they dismiss the person’s pain, minimize their problems, and ignore the many people who trust in God and whose lives are not filled with joy and happiness.
That is the most ridiculous thing ever said. That would NEVER make a hurt person feel better! Never, never, never. Nope. I’m a Christian and I believe in God, but I hate how many people just say, “trust God and your life will get better automatically”. Because that’s not how it is! My best friend had depression. My mom had depression. My little sister HAS depression. I’ve had depression. And hearing something like that would have just made life worse.
U have to get on the right medicine, even if it means changing your Dr… don’t worry bout anyone or anything but caring for your 5 year old!!! God bless u both!
I don’t know if this is the one post that I was reading. You had a five year old son, and you were abuse your whole life, your husband is a jerk.
I’m thinking of ending my life but I wanted you too know your story touched me. I was doing research and almost decided too do it right now trying too post on this board. But if this post isn’t the one I thought it was, by no means do I mean disrespect too Sabrina.
I hope you found peace.
oh my goodness, Sabrina. You need a friend! I’m so sorry your life is so hard. Find your way to neurofeedback Here’s a link to a great place near me. Caring people wanting to help. I agree you may need help. I HAVE BEEN THERE!!This is Neurofeedback, as provided by a center near me in Western Massachusetts.
It has pulled me back from the bridge so to speak. My sever anxiety and depression was drastically better after four sessions of LENS, two months and it was hard to detect where I was having trouble. I started running for the first time in my life and after not exercising at all for years and years. Look up providers in your area, under the names “Neurotherapy” or neurofeedback, or LENS Neurofeedback. This reduces seizure disorders–people can quit their meds!! Our daughter quit one of hers. People are curing ADHD–off meds! other resources…http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=130896102
This article is good, but old. Neurofeedback is very well proven, non intrusive, so easy. American Pediatric Assoc. has fully endorsed it for ADHD and other treatments too, I think. and not just for kids.
My sympathy. You need to get away from all these negative people and environment. If you give up your son for adoption and find a job in another town and live your new life make new friends. May be that would do a lot of good.
You are not alone. There are people who care for you like your son. Try to stand up for yourself. Hope things get better soon.
No she is wrong! I have autism and I have developed far more than anyone ever thought I could. I have friends, I am establishing my own business, and have plans to undertake a uni degree next year.
Get your son linked in with disability services, visit your states’ autism association. It is not a death sentence, just a difference that is misunderstood. He might not be able to do much now but if he gets the right support he may be very successful. People can be so negative about autism. Get on the net, learn strategies to help manage it. It is just a different brain, and there is support out there. Don’t listen to anyone who has negative ideas about it. I was very obvious as a child, now I don’t let it limit me. I worked very hard and I have a good life. Your son can too. People often say negative things about disability but it can be a blessing and can make you so much stronger in the long term. If you die he’d just go into a home, he needs you here to help and support him. Disability services can show you how. It is not a horrible thing, it is just getting the right support. My email is kellsmassage38@gmail.com if you need to talk to someone who has experienced it in more detail. I will keep you in my prayers and hope you get some support. Your situation is not helpless and things can get better. There are solutions and ways forward. Hugs. Xx
When I met my boyfriend a year ago he opened up to me and I guess that why our bond was what brought us so close together was our depression and the way we understand each other perfectly fine (as just friends) the only difference is that he’s been suicidal since I believe he was in middle school. from what he’s told me and from his family and friends the same way like he is happier with me and I make him happy which makes me happy but it’s like every time something gets tough or something doesn’t go right or he argues with his family or just small things that to me is something I’d be upset and then get rid of but itll stick to him… it’s like the thought of him dying makes him feel like It will solve all the problems I don’t know how to speak to him I don’t know how to help him understand that life is important and that if he were to die a lot of people’s hearts would be broken and I don’t know how to talk to him out of it as if that is not an option I need help so that I can help him without involving people to where he thinks he can’t trust me. I saved him once from leaving town he had it all planned out to were it would seem like an accident when we were just friends but me accepting him as a boyfriend changed everything and now that I see his struggle everyday I want to help him but I don’t know how I don’t want it to look like I betrayed him I have no money for counselors I just need advice his life is very valuable and I want him to understand that . I know he’ll never do nothing to hurt me or try to commit suicide around me he will take his own life without hurting anybody else physiclly or putting any other person’s life in danger without nobody knowing what he’s doing and that’s what worries me that no one will ever know when he really is going to do it. I use to think he would say it just to say it like as a joke or to see who will care or to make people feel bad. But when he open up and told me he feel like everybody’s against him nobody understands him nobody cares for him when in reality a lot of his family does I know it has a lot to do with the way he grew up but I know that something tells me that he won’t do it but I don’t want to depend on that I want to be sure he will never take his own life hes not only my boyfriend but my bestfriend. I love to see him smile and hear his laugh and i just want him to be happy.
I don’t know what to do. I honestly have a great life, but *something* keeps dragging me down. I mean, my boyfriend loves me, my family is so supportive, my friends are so great (not trying to brag about any of these people, I swear)… But something just keeps dragging me down, making me cut, thinking suicidal thoughts. I mean, I’m not even 18 yet. I really don’t want to end my life, but I’m always so depressed that suicide seems like the only way to end it. What do I do? How can I stop feeling like this? I just want the pain to end…2
Hey I feel the same way. “Sadness is…having it all and still feeling pain” :/ 🙁 I’m going through the same thing. What I do to get my mind off such stuff is to do what I love- Dancing, baking, talking, anything that keeps you busy. Or just note down all the positive good things that happened in a day in a diary and whenever you feel sad, just read it all over again. Instead of cutting, now I scribble my feelings on a paper and burn it. Feels better
Like many, I imagine, I’ve heard/read variations of the above potentially harmful responses to others who’ve divulged suicidal thoughts either in person or online countless times. I agree with the article’s author that none of these types of responses tend to be helpful, and instead can alienate the suicidal individual, worsening the very emotions leading her or him to contemplate suicide. Bravo, therefore, on the list.
But down in the Related Posts, I read the titles of another advice page: “Better Mad than Dead: Keeping a Friend’s Suicidal Thoughts Secret.” For many of us the juxtaposition of the above article and the one referenced just now highlight an ideological, legal, and medical policy potential problem surrounding suicide, namely the question of the right of self determination. It’s a common enough debate that many will have already read several versions online or in print, but in the context of what not to say to a suicidal person–things that may exacerbate suicidality–surely the specter of having one’s freedoms usurped, and one’s very evaluation of one’s own life dismissed as merely pathology are other possible triggers of thoughts of suicide. Many suicidal individuals fear disclosing their feelings not simply because of a history of painful, destructive comments received as a result, but also because they are terrified of being locked away, made to suffer the indignations of involuntary commitment.
So long as others are empowered to force adults who intend no harm to anyone else, and have no history of such, to behave and think in ways contrary to those adults’ wishes, the fear of the betrayal of the admission of suicidal thoughts will likely remain a potential trigger, and further, a disincentive to the very honesty the mental health community encourages.
Lately, one of my best friends has contemplated suicide. Well, to be more accurate, he’s gotten even more thoughts of suicide from more pressure weighing down on him. His family is very dysfunctional, to the point where they don’t even celebrate any birthday or holidays. Additionally, he wants to change his major, but his parents won’t allow him to. His grades have even started to drop, and his parents said that they would take him out of college if he gets any lower than a “B.” While he was weighing his choices, he told his parents he wanted to go to technical school and drop out of college, as a result his parents grounded him for thinking that way and took away his car privileges and phone. His mom especially puts him down saying “why did I have a son like you” or telling him other things that basically translate to “you’re worthless.” I don’t know how long he’s been cutting, but I know that he does, and doesn’t want to take my advice on using a rubber band to replace his cutting, and snap the rubber band on his wrist instead. I’ve emailed my psychology teacher from last year, I’ve talked with my brother’s friend who has dealt with friends who have had suicidal thoughts to get advice to help my friend, but I’m still at a loss on what to do. It seems I can’t do anything to help him significantly. I hang out with his as much as possible, take him to other places, text him every day to ask how he’s feeling, but I don’t know if it’s helping. I can’t always see him since he’s in college and I’m still in high school. Just tonight he told me he drank 7 advil with wine, and is feeling a bit drowsy, but I worry that he’ll take an even more dangerous amount. He’s been eating less, sleeping less, and does have his “happy” days and his “sad” days. Meaning that some days he’ll act as if he doesn’t have a care in the world, but then the next day he’ll be thinking about suicide over and over until it’s the only thing on his agenda. I don’t know if I can get much advice off this website, but I’m willing to hear any to help my friend out.
Anonymous,
What an awful situation for you and of course your friend, but you are the one who wrote here so let me address your dilemma. You care deeply about your friend, you do not want to see him die by suicide, and yet you feel so helpless in the face of his suicidal thoughts and behaviors.
The first thing you can do is listen nonjudgmentally. Without pushing your hopes for him to stay alive, let me him talk freely about why he wants to die. Based on your comment, I imagine you have been doing this already, but it bears mentioning just in case. It is amazing how much a suicidal person can be helped simply connecting with someone, talking freely about his or her suicidal wishes, and receiving acceptance, empathy, and understanding from the other person.
And, of course listening is not enough. Efforts to help also are needed. It sounds like you are doing a lot that is good already – hanging out with him when you can, texting him to let him know you care and want to see how he is doing. You might also give him the number of the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK), where he can get help from a trained hotline worker any time, any day.
Ultimately, as you have discovered, it is up to him whether to seek help, unless he is in immediate danger of suicide, in which case I recommend calling 911 or the police in his area and asking for intervention. Seven Advil and wine can be quite dangerous. If someone called me and told me that they had ingested that, I would call for help. Naturally, alerting the authorities to his immediate danger might damage his trust in you, but he also might thank you at some point later for saving his life.
For related articles, see “You Can’t Do Everything: Limitations in Helping a Suicidal Person,” and “Better Mad than Dead: Keeping a Friend’s Suicidal Thoughts Secret.”
One of the hardest things to deal with in a situation like yours is not only your fear of losing your friend to suicide, but also feeling so helpless. And you are limited in what you can do. As I say in the first article linked above, do everything you can, but know you can’t do everything.
To update on the situation, it’s gotten worse. His parents have grounded my friend for wanting to go to technical school instead of college and has taken away his phone, laptop, and car privileges. They even have him study at his Uncle’s house and keep him from going to any friend’s house. Therefore, I no longer get to hang out with him as much. I haven’t seen him in person for at least a week. Luckily, his parents haven’t found his ipod, which is the only means of communication I now have with him. I don’t think skype works on his ipod since it doesn’t work as well. He’s gotten more determined to go through with it, and I don’t know whether to rush over to his house regardless of his parent’s wishes or to confront his parents in the first place. Today, he said he went on a walk in the woods and stared at a rope that was hanging off a tree for an hour, deciding whether or not if he should go through with it. The only thing I feel I can do now is just listen to his problems, but it’s not enough just by doing that now. What can I do? I’ve tried to acquire all the help I can.
On 22 October 2015 on my birthday my boyfriend of 3 years (whom I love beyond myself) tried to commit suicide. I found him in the bathtub, while he had left the gas on or several hours in the house and had sprinkled everything including all our clothes with gasoline. He had poured gasoline on himself too but stung him so he decided the fire would be really horrible and went into the bathtub to wash and light the match from there. It took me a monstrous courage to go through to him and take the match out of his hands, we could have literally blown up together with the entire or half the building which was already full of gas. So he threatened my life and the neighbours’ as well. I called 112 and now he is in a psychiatry clinic, still not fully realizing the enormity of what he has done and that it ruined our lives forever. This coming on a background of being about to start a family, discussions about the future, good jobs, loving relationship etc. While I go see him every single day, it takes me even greater strength not to say anything hurtful to him. Because of a reckless act, everything went down the drain. Once you crack such an egg you can never stitch it back, no matter what happens. How could I not help asking him why in the name of this universe he could do such a thing? He and we had everything. Because of this depression and conspiracy theories his mind simply went aloof. But all the steps he had taken to kill himself were lucid. You don’t go buy gasoline without knowing what you do. Now he is also a public danger, I will not allow him to step into this house again. So how do I cope with a ruined future, love left for him and these dreadful haunting feelings of anger and anguish? How do I understand that this is just an illness? How can you not tell them they are selfish when they actually are? If we talked about doing this to somebody else and invoking the same illness, we wouldn’t excuse them so much. In my opinion they don’t deserve forgiveness although I desperately try to forgive him everyday.
Passer,
I’m so sorry. How traumatic for you, for him, for everyone involved.
I don’t know you and can’t speak directly about your situation, but I will say generally that often people who are mentally healthy look at things rationally and expect the person with mental illness to be able to do the same. And often, because of the intensity of the mental illness (or because of other duress to which the person is subjected, such as sleep deprivation or unrelenting emotional or physical pain) it’s not possible for the person to think rationally. It doesn’t mean that those around the mentally ill person shouldn’t – or don’t – feel anger about the acts, and the destruction. Very generally speaking, the anger belongs to the illness.
Believe me, I know it is much easier said than done to be angry at the illness instead of the person. And people feel what they feel; anger isn’t wrong, one way or the other, though what we do with it can be very unhelpful not only to others, but especially to ourselves.
Many, many people view suicide as selfish. I have an alternative view, which I describe in my recent post, Is It Selfish to Die in a Tornado? Perhaps reading it will help you to understand how a person can appear to embrace an outcome that is so destructive.
I also wrote about forgiving a suicidal person in my post, “Do You Blame Yourself for Thinking of Suicide?” You’ll note from the title that it’s directed at the suicidal person, but it can also be applied to those who know the person.
Finally, those posts advocate extending compassion to the suicidal person, and I am aware that at the moment you feel anger, not compassion. I do feel compassion for the suicidal person who is taken over by thoughts that he would never, if healthy, choose for himself. I feel compassion for you, too, for all you’ve witnessed, experienced, and lost. And I hope that you are extending compassion to yourself, too, during this extremely painful time.
Trying to stop the person at all is the best way to get them to shrug you off and proceed with their plans. If you genuinely care for the person, don’t call a service, don’t call the authorities, don’t try to remove their means of doing it, and don’t try to talk them out of it. If you care, stick around and just be with them and be understanding and supportive (yes, of suicide as a possible solution). Just be a buddy. If they still do it, they were going to do it anyway no matter what else you did, but at least you were a comfort to them in their final days. If you’re on their side, that’s the best way to make them reconsider. If you’re trying to persuade or even force them to not do it, they will cease confiding in you and do it faster. If you can’t be bothered to do anything supportive yourself, don’t shift the responsibility onto someone else by “calling for help,” just bow out and stop meddling. People get freaked out by suicide, but if you genuinely care for the person, support it. Trying to stop someone from committing suicide is far more selfish – it’s demanding that they endure something that to them is worth dying to avoid, just so you don’t lose someone.
Herf,
I agree with you that the first things – and in many cases the only things – that a suicidal person needs are to be heard, understood, and supported by caring individuals in their life. Suicide still, even with progress made in recent decades, can trigger feelings of shame and regret in people. Being able to talk about their suicidal feelings without judgment or intervention from others can be healing.
But sometimes love, listening, and support are not enough. Here’s where my opinions diverge from yours. You state that loved ones should support the person in the choice for suicide. If someone were tripping on acid and wanted to jump off the roof of a tall building, would you honor the person’s wish or would you try to prevent his or her death? If someone had a high fever and wanted to kill herself due to the hallucinations, would you hand her a gun?
Those examples are extreme, because they are clear-cut situations where the person’s suicidal wishes will lift once the acid or fever leaves their system (assuming they were not already suicidal to begin with). It would be simplistic for me to say that everyone’s suicidal wish disappears so easily. But the wish does disappear for many people, whether due to changes in their lives, antidepressants, psychotherapy, support from loved ones, or the passage of time. Those people who survive a suicidal crisis often are then grateful to be alive. Knowing that suicidal despair is most often is temporary, I could not in good conscience sit by and watch someone die a preventable death.
I can see how it could be seen as selfish if I asked a loved one endure suffering merely so that I did not have to suffer from their loss. I don’t view it as selfish, though, to try to keep someone alive who later, once the crisis has passed, will no longer want to die.
As for people whose suicidal despair is not temporary, the pathway is less clear and the subject of much debate. I stand on the side of hope, but I recognize, especially based on many comments that I have received on this website from people who are “pro-choice” about suicide, that some people would view my hope to be misplaced and selfish. A person’s right to suicide without intervention is a deeply contentious issue, one that may not be resolved for many years to come, if ever.
My Daughter who is almost 30 married with 2 kids has been suffering from depression, anxiety and diagnosed with mood disorder for a couple years now. She has been hospitalized before and now goes to therapy twice a week but after many medication combo’s trail and errors just told me today that she feels like she will never get better and doesn’t know what more she can do and that she keeps thinking about her kids to Help her last one more day. I feel so helpless and don’t know what to say or how to help her. She is barely holding on to her job and has only been able to work maybe 3 months in 2 yrs. I think the financial burden is making it worse!
SHE NEEDS A BRAKE OFTEN LET HER GO WITH A FRIEND TO DO SOMETHING FOR HERSELF.SHE IS PROBABLY WORRYING ALL THE TIME.ITS A VICIOUS CIRCLE. SHE NEEDS TO GET OUT OF THE HOUSE AND BREATH . WITH A POSITIVE PERSON MAKE IT A WEEKLY THING SO SHE HAS SOMETHING TO LOOK FORWARD TO. GOOD LUCK
People are still not ‘getting’ mental illness, they just don’t. I have given up telling people I am depressed as the response I usually get is ‘pull yourself together, your life is great’ and rubbish to that effect.
After over 11 years of frantically trying to find effective treatment I’ve come to a conclusion.. . Some people commit suicide not because they couldn’t find the right help, but because there is no help for some people. I am one of them.
“Anonymous,”
There is a quote I like: Hopelessness is a feeling, not a fact.
And another: “Do not go gently into that good night.” OK, so that one has to do with someone who is dying without choosing to die, but it still applies.
I hope that you will keep fighting. Please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline if you are in North America, to talk about other ways to feel better that you might not have considered yet. The number is 1.800.273.8255 (TALK).
You can also find ways to get help by text, phone, email, or chat by visiting the Resources section.
I am wishing for you hope and healing…soon!
So am I. I have no support from any mental health institution, after being diagnosed with BPD 15+ years ago, and recently telling my GP I feel suicidal.
@Stacey: That is pretty much one of the most infuriating things to hear as a suicidal person. If someone brought me to your office and that’s what you told me, I’d get up and leave even more annoyed and hopeless than I walked in. Here’s *hoping* some constructive feedback improves your approach.
Paita,
Thanks for the feedback. I’m wondering which piece of what I said is infuriating.
I should clarify that what I write here is not necessarily how I work with my clients. Writing on a blog affords me as the author a lot more space to express myself than I have as a therapist. As a therapist, my goal is for clients to come to the answers themselves. For example, I have never exhorted a client to “not go gently into that good night.” I think that could be trite and minimizing in a session, but in a blog, where there is no opportunity to actually converse with the readers and try to elicit their own truths, inspirational quotes can be meaningful to many people.
That said, I certainly do consider it important to help people to recognize where they are taking their thoughts as fact, instead of simply as thoughts. This is a key tool in cognitive behavioral therapy, which has strong evidence backing up its effectiveness in reducing suicide attempts.
Finally, if a client were to find something I said infuriating, that is not necessarily a setback. It can be an opportunity for growth and healing. It’s been said that the real therapy begins when the therapist angers the client in some way. This brings raw conflict into the therapy office and allow for repair in a way that can strengthen the therapeutic alliance. The repair also might be a new discovery for the client, who so often is let down or rejected when disclosing his or her anger to another person. I do not go around trying to anger my clients, but if one is angry with me, it is something that I strive to work through with them in a way that models acceptance and deepens the therapeutic alliance.
Thanks again for your feedback. It’s good to hear how what I write can be received, and if you do read this, I’d love to hear more about what, specifically, I said that was infuriating.
Paita, With regard to ‘hopelessness is a feeling, not a fact’ , which is what I am assuming infuriated you, I would just like to say that although hopelessness is a feeling it doesn’t make it any less relevant. When I first read it I thought ‘not a fact’ was demeaning the feeling but after further thought I agree with the quote and think it is actually being positive. Facts cannot be changed. Feelings however can be examined and challenged.
I must admit though when I have been suicidal, if this was said to me I would have taken it as being negative. However in a different frame of mind, it actually gives me hope.
I believe there is a solution to every problem on earth ,the solution is within every person …you will find two people with the same problem e.g a loss of a million dollars one decides to kill self another decides to work hard and make another million.The question is what can help you have effective life’s shock absorbers for different challenges …answer the word of God …it is spiritual …dont read the bible like an academic book ..a lot of problems are spiritual and people employ psychological approaches which are good but don’t solve the spiritual problem.
DONT BELIEVE THERE IS NO HELP FIND HELP THERE IS PLENTY OF PLACES TO GET HELP. ITS YOUR LIFE YOU WANT IT TO GET BETTER RIGHT.SO GET HELP THERE IS LOTS OF HOT LINES AND ER S SO FIGHT FOR YOUR LIFE IVE SEEN PEOPLE IN VERY DIRE POSITIONS WHO WONT GIVE UP AND THEN THEY GET HELP AND BECOME WELL. BUT TRY POSITIVE THOUGHTS THE NEGATIVE ONES WONT HELP. YOU CAN DO IT.
It is my decision, after trying to get help for 2yrs! Our Medical System feels Mental Health is too expensive it is better to build jails, where 45% of all prisoners are treated!
i only wish i did the job properly when i was a young man i wouldnt be so depressed now
Jerry, it’s unclear to me whether this is your own sentiment or something that someone should not say to a suicidal person. Sadly, I suspect it is your own sentiment. If so, please take a look at the Resources page on this site for people you can contact by phone, email, or text to talk about your feelings of depression.
Here’s another one:
“Don’t do anything stupid.”
Hey, thanks! I’m glad to know you think I feel this way because I’m not intelligent enough to understand the consequences. A piece of advice: if you ever have another friend admit they’re suicidal to you, don’t say what you just said.
Great point! The person who says, “Don’t do anything stupid,” might be well meaning, but the point can come across as: “You are thinking of doing something stupid, and therefore I think you are being stupid, too.”
It’s far better to seek to understand why the person wants to die by suicide, especially when the consequences are irrevocable and grave, and to listen and provide support, without judgment.
That was funny. On the worst day, still being able to laugh and joke (even in my own sarcastic style) is a sign that it is not the last day. Respect to your smart wit.
I’ve had this said to me in the past, and the only word that seemed to register was ‘stupid’. Not at all helpful!
Unfortunately, despite the PCism of professional blogs and pamphlets and organization mission statements, many, many physicians and therapists still promulgate the prejudices and hurtful perspectives implicit in this list. I agree with most items on this list, but too often when neutral, “constructive” professional interventions fail, these are the prejudices some therapists return to, as if once the officially codified arsenal of therapeutic tools has been exhausted with no appreciable progress having been made, it’s human nature to seek intellectual and emotional succor in the common myths of emotional mechanics, regardless how destructively counterproductive they may be.
Well said, “Anonymous.” I agree with you that some professionals fall back on basic impulses to persuade and judge when confronted with a suicidal person. My hope is that more professionals will suspend their judgment and listen, understand, and provide empathy and support instead. Fortunately, a great many professional already do this, and for those who don’t, change is possible.
Wish I’d found the time to read this post back in Oct now I’m without my husband of 29 years my soul mate .On that morning that changed my family for ever I made the mistake of saying a few of them 🙁 guess my lack of knowledge and understanding of his pain and suffering we as a family have lost a truly amazing husband dad grandad .Doubt I’ll ever recover myself from this hell and if I could go back I would do anything I will use my hell to do my best to change society’s views on mental health cause we are all failing these loved ones .
I too Lost my husband to suicide. I said all those things but I also asked what I could do to help. I prayed, cried everything I knew to do. Nothing helped. I lost my best friend. Now I am suicidal. We were married 27 years. We lost a 19 year old son. Still had 3 children left. I thought we were happy.
As happy as we could be considering our loss. Now he is gone, the children are grown and married.
I have MS. I remarried. He is a good man and I do love him. I think about joining my best friend often. I miss him so much.
Sandy,
I am so sorry for your loss and the intense pain it continues to inflict.
“I said all those things,” you said of my post. So, too, do many other people whose loved ones do not go on to die by suicide.
One thing I regret about this post is that family members and friends of people who died by suicide can use the material to blame themselves.
Yes, some statements and judgments are best left unsaid.
No, that does not mean that these statements or judgments actually drive a person to suicide. They might not be helpful, but suicidal thoughts are complex and driven by many different factors.
How can I educate people about how to respond constructively without causing survivors of suicide loss to blame themselves and feel they responded destructively? That is a question for which I still seek an answer. Any ideas you might have are most welcome.
I hope you are getting help for coping with your monumental loss. Please check out the Resources section on this site for support groups and other resources for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. You can find it at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#survivors.
Diane, I hope you will read my comment to Sandy, above. It applies to you, too, all of it, from my sorrow for your loss to my regret that this post opens the door for survivors of suicide loss to blame themselves. The sad fact is that even if you had said everything “right” to your husband, even if you had listened with flawless empathy and concern, he still might have died by suicide. Such is the curse of the suicidal process.
Please, too, check out the Resources section I referred to above, for people who have lost a loved one to suicide: https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#survivors
My apologies for my delayed response.
Was with a group of friends recently and one was talking about a mutual friend who no one had seen for a while who had suffered from a severe bout of depression. I sat there silently and listened to bewildered comments. “That’s so weird at her age (which is 40)” “she’s not a teenager. “Is something wrong with her mentally?” “That’s just not right.” I felt so ashamed. But I said nothing. The stigma is the worst part of living with chronic depression as an adult. People just don’t get it. Maybe they are right and I’m just weak. I hate that I can’t talk about it with people close to me. I hate feeling like I’m hiding some awful secret. I hate being ashamed.
We shouldn’t have to be ashamed, but I understand what you mean. My depression is so bad that I’m on Social Security Disability. I paid into the system for many years so I deserve it, but when people ask what I’m doing now it’s embarrassing to say. We suffer from an illness. I hate the fact that you feel that you have to hide your illness. If these people are close friends they should know. Perhaps send them an e-mail with a link to how to discuss mental illness with friends and family and let them know that you do suffer from depression and that it’s the same as someone who has diabetes. It is a medical illness that can be treated, and isn’t contagious or a sign of weakness. If you can’t let the whole group know, maybe just one person. I’m hoping someone checked or will check on the person with the severe depression. Cyber hug from me to you!
I was at church last week and a ‘friend’ commented that she hadn’t seen me for a few weeks. I explained that I suffered from acute anxiety, depression and Borderline Personality disorder, and I hadn’t been in the ‘right frame of mind’ to go to church and that It had been a struggle just to get out of bed. She quickly made her excuses and walked away. I pondered on this for a while and then sent her an email asking if she had been shocked by what I had said. This was her reply:
‘No I was not shocked but angry that such an attractive intelligent person should be ‘addicted’ to this way of life. I didnt see you not ‘with it’ but I saw a caring and lovely person worthwhile in every way and felt a real connection with you. Please get out of this pattern and come with me. Being intelligent you need something more than the misery you are now choosing.’
I was really upset by her reply. Her use of the term ‘addiction’ to this way of life, her comment ‘get out of this pattern’ and the worst was, the misery you are choosing.
This was my reply (sorry it’s quite lengthy!)
“I was quite surprised by your email. You used the term ‘addicted’, which to me, is a negative term. I am not addicted to this way of life. I didn’t choose to be like this. But a drug/alcoholic with an addiction chooses their way of living (to a degree) As they can decide whether or not to take drugs or rely on alcohol, they can plan ahead and say tomorrow I am going to buy drugs or alcohol. I have a mental illness which I didn’t choose to have. I can’t just think ‘I’m going to have negative thoughts tomorrow’. I have no control of when they will come. Likewise you say ‘Please get out of this pattern’ and ‘you need something more than the misery you are now choosing’. I find this quite insulting … I don’t plan these thoughts or choose to have them.
“I have attached below some information about my illness, as people tend to make judgements without knowing the full facts regarding types of mental health issues, and hence it is therefore a ‘tabo’ subject. BPD is considered by medical practitioners to be a severe psychiatric disorder. It is recognised as such by the DSM IV.
I feel people need to be educated more about mental health issues, and realise that having a mental illness is not something people want, choose, or plan to have.”
I was taken aback by the fact someone could think of mental health issues like this, and especially a person claiming to be a Christian. It’s no wonder people with mental health issues feel they can’t talk about it. People need to be more educated.
Jacqueline,
I’m so sorry you had this encounter. I have two reactions. One, I try to imagine if you had disclosed you had cancer instead of mental illness. Would someone then say that you were addicted to cancer? Or that you are now choosing to experience cancer’s pain?
It’s hard to imagine. People do not choose to have cancer and, as you said so well, people with mental illness do not choose to have a mental illness. Nobody chooses to feel so bad that they can’t do the things they want to do. I’m quite certain that if it were people’s choice, then everyone would choose to feel good.
My other reaction is one of sadness and compassion, not only for you, but for the woman who upset you. She clearly wanted to help, or else she wouldn’t have shared with you so many positive impressions she has of you, too. She said you are lovely, attractive, intelligent, and caring: “worthwhile in every way.” Those are not the words of someone who intends to do harm.
I believe your friend might be a victim of misinformation and stigma herself. She clearly strives to be a compassionate and empathetic person. Because of the misinformation and stigma in our society, she might not be – or might not have been – aware of the harm caused by implying that people choose to be addicted to mental illness.
Stigma doesn’t just hurt the recipient. It also hurts those that perpetuate it. Stigma, with its magnificent power to distort, limits others’ ability to help even when they want to. Stigma creates a false boundary between “them” and “us,” disconnecting people from the common humanity of “we.”
EDITED: March 10, 2015
You should add to this list “All you are doing is looking for drama” You hear that one a lot too
Yep, that’s another!
Oh yes, that is an unfortunate and all too common response, as well. It can serve to dismiss and minimize a person’s pain.
I was suicidal for many years. I had those things said to me. My last attempt was 8 years ago. It was all quite logical to me. Spare my family any further grief. My parents were both dead by the time I was 21. I had no children or significant other. All my brothers and sisters live far away. Yes they would be sad, but they would get over it as they all had their own family and lives. Yes, it was a serious attempt. I even made sure to leave my front door unlocked and extra food for my pets in case I wasn’t found right away. I understand the anger one of my sisters displayed after my attempt. MY anger came from the comments of “just wanting attention”. Really?!?!?! No, I just wanted the pain to stop. Some people will never understand. I’m considered passively suicidal now. I don’t have suicidal thoughts, I just really don’t care if I live or die.
Marty, I am so sorry to hear of your struggles and your emotional pain. My son suffers a lot in the same way and it is so hard for me to figure out what to say. I hope you have people in your life that show you that they care about you and to whom you matter, and that are able to stand by you and offer whatever help they can.
I will say a prayer for you tonight. Hang in there.
My Husband and I lost our 31 year old youngest son. After suffering a severe on the job injury he had a problem with pain medication. He went into rehabs came a long way was finally able to return to work. He was out of shape when he returned to work, he was always at the gym prior to his injury. One night he suffered cardiac arrest due to hypertension and vascular diesease. My husband found him in bed the next morning. The worse day of our life, we entered into grief counseling immediately. Our oldest son arranged the first appointment after 1 year my husband said this isnt helping and became very despondent! I continued to go for counseling asking him to join me but he refused. One day while we were out he asked if I would be angry if he took his life! I was shocked, I may have responded wrong but I was still very vulnerable too. I told him how much I loved him and I wanted him with me we were married for 43 years at this point in time. I asked him to return to counseling even if he wanted a new counselor I would join him or if he preferred to go alone I would understand. He had abused drugs most of his life and felt a deep responsibility for our son. I always told him he was an adult and made his own choices, the counselor reinforced this also. He remained despondent told everyone he knew he wanted to die! Although we all tried to convince him how important he was to our two other children and grandchildren and of course to me he ultimitly overdosed. I still have feelings of guilt that I should have said something else. I will never know, I do know I miss them both and it has made my life very lonely. I focus on my two children and grandchildren. They have lost too much already so I try to stay strong and positive but there isnt a day I dont cry, pray and think of them! Im grateful for my faith, and the smiles on my grandchildrens faces!
Gail, I am so very sorry for your losses. I realize you left your comment a couple years ago. I wonder how you are doing now. I hope that your children, faith, and grandchildren’s smiles have continued to sustain you.
What I don’t need anyone to do: tell me it gets better, say ‘It’s ok, ask me why ever would I do that, look at me with pity in their eyes, run away from my scars,ask me how I’m doing today, accuse me of wanting attention, tell me I need to deal with my problems differently, ask me if I’m suicidal. What I do need someone to do: Hug me without a word, promise that they’ll be there for me always, mean it.
I went through those thoughts from a young person to an adult even yet, I have talked to strangers on the helpline in the middle of the night, spent days so alone and hard, I have had friends that have committed suicide or tried. thankful I was able to see the pain I felt the pain and there was times I didn’t and ask for more of what was going on yes I have heard every comment that was posted and if you think about it think again. And I was lucky to have had friends that knew something was not quite right with me, stayed with me, and any of those comments that was listed helps no one not a mother a father or a true friend unless you went through it, listen keep your mouth shut .. open your heart and ask God and the family can I do something for you. Because you have no idea, how they feel.
^^Agree.
I agree with you. I was suicidal and it’s god damn hard and a dark place, anyway I wish you recover as I did.