Many people desperately wish to stop their suicidal thoughts. Often, this is possible. You might be able to eliminate suicidal thoughts by healing the depression, stress, hopelessness, self-hatred or whatever forces underlie them.
Yet it might take a while to stop thinking of suicide. For some people, suicidal thoughts just do not stop, or they keep revisiting uninvited whenever bad moods come, no matter how much healing has occurred during good moods.
Fundamentally, we cannot control what thoughts come to us. We can only control how we react to them.
How Do You React to Suicidal Thoughts?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are truth? Because they tell you that you should die, do you believe that you should die?
Do you react as though your suicidal thoughts are a symptom, and nothing else? Because you think of suicide, do you take this as a call to tend to whatever wound creates the thoughts?
I have already written about other ways to react to suicidal thoughts, as well. You can talk back to them, playing the role of defense attorney against the prosecutor in your head calling for the death penalty (as described by David Burns, M.D., in his book Feeling Good).
You can observe your suicidal thoughts mindfully, watching as they pass through your head without feeding them or giving into them.
Another way to react to suicidal thoughts is to soothe yourself by telling yourself what you might tell a close friend or relative in the same situation. Only, this time, you are being a friend to yourself. This coping technique calls for what therapists call “coping statements.”
What Are Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts?
A coping statement is whatever you can tell yourself that will help you to pass safely through the minefield of suicidal thoughts. Examples include:
This will pass.
That is my depression talking, not me.
I will get through this.
Just because my thoughts tell me to kill myself doesn’t mean I really should.
I don’t really want to die, I just want the pain to end.
There are other ways to end my pain, even if I can’t see them right now.
My suicidal thoughts are not rational.
Suicidal thoughts are a symptom, not a solution.
Using Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
There is no limit to the possible coping statements out there. Some websites feature long lists of coping statements, such as this mental health website . You can also find coping statements geared to specific problems, such as anxiety.
The key to using coping statements effectively is to keep repeating them to yourself (silently or not), like a mantra. Some people write their coping statements on sticky notes and leave them on mirrors and doors where they live. Others create “coping cards” with one coping statement or a whole list, and carry them in their wallet.
Repeatedly seeing, saying, or thinking your coping statements will provide a good counterpoint to suicide’s grim yet seductive messages. It also will gradually train your mind to take a more realistic path.
A Cognitive-Behavioral Therapy Tool
“What you think, you become,” is a powerful statement often misattributed to the Buddha but no less true, regardless of who said it.
Cognitive behavioral therapy operates under the same premise: If you tell yourself the worst will happen, then you will feel anxious and depressed. Tell yourself different things, and you will feel differently. These ideas reinforce the value of talking to yourself with kindness and with intentions to soothe yourself.
Beware of positive thinking or positive affirmations. If you are grossly unhappy with yourself or your life, telling yourself that you are happy will only further rouse the negative thoughts. “No you’re not happy! That’s ridiculous! You are miserable, and here is why.”
Rather than telling yourself that you are happy when you actually are miserable or that your life is great when it actually feels awful, it is far more helpful to tell yourself something that you really can believe, such as:
I can’t know that I will feel this way forever.
Based on past experiences, my feelings and situation will probably change.
Life is constantly changing.
I am a work in progress.
Unrealistically positive thinking can hurt. Realistic thinking can help, even when reality isn’t so great. But remember to think realistically in both directions — good and bad.
Coming Up With Your Own Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
Although I have thrown out some ideas here, coping statements work best if they really resonate with you. Perhaps some of the coping statements on this page or the websites I provided above do resonate with you. If so, that’s great. If not, try to come up with your own. To do this, ask yourself these questions:
<h3″>What do I really want someone else to tell me right now?
What would I tell someone else right now who wanted to die by suicide for the same reasons that I do?
What would it help me to tell myself?
What would it help me to truly believe?
What Self-Talk Helps You Cope with Suicidal Thoughts?
I invite you to leave a comment describing what coping statements work best for you!
© 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
I couldn’t help anyone wanting to end it all. I would feel so much empathy I’d probably agree with them. I’m old, sick, have no purpose in life, nothing to look forward to.. My children are tired of having to look after me. I feel lonely and a burden. What’s the point in living. There is none. Only God knows.
Hi Stacey. I’m lying in bed, very depressed. And contemplating suicide as a way out. I tried about two months ago; as you talk about elsewhere, I was looking to drift into unconsciousness, on a one-way trip to ‘the big sleep’. And as you also said in the same piece, suicide isn’t easy. I tried twice on that occasion. And failed twice. With me it’s poss’ a bit like Bob Bergeron (ironically only last year I was riding a bit of a high), inasmuch as I feel almost all of life in modern consumer capitalist society is ‘a lie, based on bad information’. I’m not sure why – as I still feel pretty awful – but reading some of what I found online that you’ve written has helped me step back from the edge, psychologically. Even if only a few inches. So thanks for sharing your own story.
Sebastian,
Thanks so much for your comment. I’m sorry you know depression and suicidality so well; you belong to a large club that no one asked to join. It means a lot to me that some of what I’ve written has helped you in some way. Truly. I’m working on a memoir about my experiences and comments like yours give me hope that someone besides my mother will read it. 😉 I josh, but seriously, your words do give me hope that maybe my words can help some people, as they’ve helped you. So thank you again.
I am a rationally irrational suicidal plotter. I am okay in the day time with my makeup on in my work clothes. It feels almost like a mask I put it on to keep my other life going. But my real life, it lies within me; it sits on my pillow waiting for me to give up. I awake at night sweating with everything running through my mind. There’s this voice that is so strong it can make my muscles ache; it twists and turns at whatever comfort is left in me. I recite the only prayer I have ever know until I am exhausted and fall back into sleep. I think that’s what it is, I am uncomfortable being alive. I am uncomfortable in my skin and when the makeup comes off I can’t tell who this person is; I don’t want to be this person. I think about suicide as an end to the constant worry, anxiety, and self disgust. I often think about the impact that could have on my husband and children. That worries me too, there is no insurance policy with a pay out for suicide. I have only debt to pass on, what would they do without me? I am the bread winner, without me this dream we live in goes away. I would be the gateway for them to enter this ugly world I’m living in. I don’t want that for them either. I want to not impact anyone in this world and just disappear, but I know that’s not how this works. Rationally thinking about my escape…I know there is none. Today I googled positive affirmations for suicidal thoughts and found this page. I wanted to say I understand all of you. Normal people can say that and it wouldn’t be true. But I have sat there contemplating bleeding out and then throwing on an outfit to clock in for the work day. The emotional rollercoaster that plays in my head, I feel it in my body it is always there waiting for the last straw. I am lucky to have the husband I have now that will not stop trying to change my mind and protect me from myself. One day he won’t be able to fight my demons with me, I must find a way to delete this part of me. We must find a way. Don’t give up, until next time.
Silently screaming,
Also a Nobody
Your story is amazing. You know yourself so well.
Please remember that all depression wants is to get you alone in a room and lie to you. Please be safe. We care.
I also found this by googling ‘anti suicide affirmations’, and I can totally relate to the constant schizoid life of outward ‘normality’ vs internal hell. I also have a very loving partner (wife), who I don’t want to hurt. But living in misery to spare others pain doesn’t seem very viable in the long term. To end on a more positive note; I have found that my little deck of affirmation cards, which, on and off, I carry wherever I go, has been helpful.
Wow.. you just so accurately described my life.. so exactly explained the way I feel everyday that I genuinely got chills.. the biggest goosebumps I’ve ever had truly! The only difference is how far I am from being the breadwinner.. I’m what’s called a homemaker but I’m also as far away from that description as I am breadwinner.. it’s hard to make a home, be a mother, or even be just a decent human being when I can’t even get myself out of bed. I have the most amazing partner but when I really look at him and see how weary all the years of being with me and my demons have made him it just barrels me harder, faster and stronger towards that miserable abyss I find myself in every time my head hits that pillow. It makes me ache inside knowing how badly I’ve ruined him, and how badly I’ve ruined my children. What did they ever do to deserve someone like me? I know deep down if I didn’t exist that they would finally have some sunshine in their lives.. they’d finally be out from under the thick dark storm cloud that covers every corner of my world. Don’t I owe them that? Don’t they deserve peace? Whether I live or die I’ve already ruined them all anyway .. why was I even born? I’ve been a burden since the day I got to this world, what did anyone else do to deserve my existence???
I just want to say thanks for the useful suggestions!
I now have access to a large uk research body for autistic people and am keen to start a project to help everyone but particularly my own negativity.
I had been thinking of using positive affirmations repeated before sleep, but Stacey seems to view this as unhelpful. What is the general feeling?
David,
I’m curious why you say I view positive affirmations as unhelpful? Positive affirmations that are outright false can make people feel worse, but realistic positive affirmations can be quite helpful. Research has demonstrated, for example, that it can improve mood and the immune system to list every night 3-5 things you’re grateful for.
Thanks for sharing here!
Tengo ideas suicidas. pero leyendo su articulo me ha ayudado a entender algunas cosas sobre la depresión y los pensamientos suicidas.
Y he decidido que a partir de hoy voy a hacerme muy consciente de mis emociones y pensamientos para así siempre mantener un pensamiento positivo o hacer un esfuerzo consciente para cambiar los pensamientos negativos.
I want to live another day.
Meds helped me. Adjustment of the amounts had to be fine tuned but it has made the difference
Thank God
This helps. Thanks
IN the end you’re talking about money – PAPER . Your life is worth so much more than that. I am there too at the bottom but it certainly won’t change if I were to kill myself. People live in their cars in Walmart parking lots. There are jobs I don’t know your background but the job market it really good! You have a child who will never know you who YOU brought into this world – make his life great – many poor people have the best family lives bc they already know that the secret to happiness is relationships – friends family church etc … give yourself a chance – with death all chances are gone. I have recently been in that dark pace and it’s a like a trick of lighting not allowing you to see things clearly – best of luck for you
Thank you Hannah, your comments have helped me too x
I’ve read a lot about the “surviveability” of suicide. Even a study of some 400 suicide attempts, and how their lives turned out.
What I don’t read is their overall situation . What % of those people were financially ruined (ie dead broke) with no job or no home? Sure if you’ve got someone/s to bail you out after your attempt, yeah you’ve got a reason to live. But what about people like me? I am dead broke, have exhausted both my savings and retirement stash, I am about to have my car repo’d and can’t find a job. Which will turn into the vicious cycle of no job= no money, and no money = no job. Try convincing someone like me that life is worth it. What, I’m supposed to carry on with the HOPE that things MIGHT get better. So in a couple days with no vehicle no money and no job, I’m just supposed to trudge on, because “life is precious” or whatever other placating device people Banty about?
I feel your pain. And ask the same questions.
Here’s my story and why I want to die it all started as a child I had social anxiety and was always nervous. Then at around 10 or so I was molested by a friend of the family then what happened next probably made me even worse when it came to social interaction. In middle school I refused to use public restrooms. I was too afraid too. Then I was tormented daily by a group of girls. Telling me I was nasty that I smelled that I was a fat POS. To the point that I became suicidal. Now at 31 I’ve been diagnosed with anxiety depression and bi polar. I’m now 31 overweight man who has never had a girlfriend or even held a girls hand and about 2 years ago I was diagnosed with MS I’m responsible for two kids aged 9 and 16. Wtf I’m pretty much fucked I want death so bad did I mention I never held a job only once and I was fired before two days? And social security denies I’m disabled I’ve been denied twice already.
[This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. – SF]
Hi Michael I feel your pain. My name is Carmen, Though my story is somewhat different I would like to talk with you if possible, maybe we can help each other get through some of our depression. I used to be suicidal when I was younger and thought I had kicked it honestly, until recently the thoughts have come back, and a part of me tried to act on it.
Dear michael what an awful predicament you are in. Keep trying with social security it seems to be their policy to automatically reject people the first couple times. Dont think about your past, in a way it doesnt matter in that its done you cant change it, you need to just analyse what you are capable of now, and just accept your limitations, dont judge them, dont judge yourself negatively, you need all your strength now for the future, It is good that you are responsible for children they will make you fight harder. Just give them as much love as you can and help them prepare for what is going to happen to you. And of course you should be pissed off about all this unfair shit happening, do some yelling and screaming, especially about the ms, but then also take care of yourself within these parameters, try to find something you enjoy, join a support group for people with ms, they all feel the way you do, also reach out to social services, churches( even if you arent religious) and dont give up. I hope you can find people to help you with the details things you have to face
It took 2 1/2 years of denials before they found me completely disabled. I get no benefits because I have a roommate and that money counts against the SSI money. So I went though 2 1/2 years of hell, and borrowed over $6,000 so I wouldn’t be homeless during the process, and ending up being found disabled, not able to work, but they pay me nothing. I got $765 in back pay. For 2 1/2 years. The system wants you dead or homeless.
A surgeon botched surgery 10 years ago, when I became ill he kept secret the scan reports which state the damage he has caused, then he told other doctors that there was nothing wrong with me, that I was crazy and an attention seeker. Over ten years, I have been so ill that I have been unable to work and those years have been worse than hell because of the lack of strength I have had which has prevented me from going further afield for help. I have lost everything I own, had my personal papers stolen by someone I rented a room to, so I could pay the rent. I’ve been offered anti-depressant medication hundreds of times , offered psychiatric counselling, been given referrals to pain clinics and so on, but no medical professional will question or doubt the word of a professor and lecturer at one of the major universities. I believe I will soon be dead at any rate, such is the state of my health, however the pain and inability to concentrate, loss of memory and constant headaches are now too much for me to cope with. I can’t continue with the pain, the loss of dignity and loss of my life any longer. I truly wish I was dead
Your son will grow up not ever remembering you or your love. Only you can give him the love that you give.
I need someone to help me. I am currently in a deep state of depression and I want out. Ive been contemplating suicide for about 3-4 months now and I absolutely hate it. Every time I seem to make mistakes it really pisses off my family, which then triggers my seemingly endless episodes of self loathing accompanied by suicidal thoughts. I told my mother about my suicidal thoughts but her only reply “Thats selfish” which doesn’t help me at all, it actually makes me feel even worse about myself. I cannot afford a therapist and my mother will not let me tell my father who would provide for what I need financially to see a therapist. SOMEONE PLEASE HELP ME!
TALK to our Dad yourself. Going out on a limb here thinking perhaps your mom is not making the best decisions by you especially by withholding help. Also sounds like you KNOW your Dad will be there for you. You have nothing to lose reaching out to him.
TELL YOUR FATHER…..NOW….
If you need someone to talk to, email me at oi.thisismyemail@yahoo.com
You have to take care of yourself because your mother isnt looking out for you. Go to your father, if it upsets people so be it, your life is precious and you need to ask for help and fight to stay alive. It is not selfish to say you feel you suicidal, keep on saying it, but dont give in to it. Your mother has her own limitations obviously so you cant rely on her. Separate yourself from her because she only reinforces you r negative feelings about yourself which she probably caused in the first place. Love yourself and find supportive people. Dont give up
I agree with these comments! I hope you’re okay.
Tomorrow, next week, next month, or even next year even are not yet known. You might feel this way now, but giving in to these thoughts guarantees that nothing will ever get better. Have patience and remember that you’ll feel differently someday. You’ll look back on this time as a time of growth and will be much stronger knowing that you overcame it all. You are strong.
I’ve been thinking about suicide for 6 months now. Me and my girlfriend of 2 and a half years moved into our apartment. We loved it for the first month or so. Until I lost my job. I started suffering more and more from my Anxiety. Everyday I’d have an anxiety attack and couldn’t pin down what was the underlying issue. I started over thinking and soon fell into a dark depression. I almost committed suicide 4 months ago. I couldn’t bear the thought of my family finding my motionless body. Now with my depression and anxiety overwhelming me. I have insomnia and don’t sleep more than 3-4 hours a day. My thoughts are the only thing that are keeping me awake. I can’t communicate with my girlfriend without yelling or confrontation. I can’t motivate myself to do anything anymore. I can’t put on the mask anymore…
Dear Anonymous – My heart aches for you. I URGE you to communicate to your girlfriend, or parent or close friend that you are struggling with anxiety and depression and that you NEED some help quickly. Go to the emergency room if need immediate relief. Please ask this trusted person to make you an appointment with a physician. If you are worried about money, ask the dr’s office if you can make payments. Explain that this is extremely important. Better sleep would help you immensely as well as something to help you with the anxiety. Please do not give up. There IS help for you. Please do not believe that there isn’t because there IS. You MUST muster up the strength and courage to ask someone to help you make this appointment. Do not go this alone. You have people who love you who want to help. Please do this for those people who love you. And do this for yourself because YOU deserve to feel better. Even though you may not FEEL like you deserve to feel better, remember that feelings are just feelings. Feelings are many times not a reflection of reality. YOU deserve to feel better. Please tell a trusted love one how you are feeling and take steps to get help. Please do this. Please let me know that you have done this.
Omg that’s how I’m feeling I cant my marriage is falling apart. Cause of it and they just want to get me a pill 4 it. I cant pinpoint it. But I am getting comfortable with the thoughts of doing it.
I want to die every day. But I cannot. I have four children I am raising alone and they need me, they have no one else. But I feel like I am failing them. I put on a mostly happy face and go about the motions but inside I am screaming. I have asked for help and everyone I spoke to brushes my depression off as ‘oh you’ll get over it’, ‘things will change’, ‘you’ll figure it out’, etc. I have been trying to figure it out and I cannot seem to. People pity me, and admire my strength to make it this far, but don’t seem to understand that I do not feel I can keep going on like this. I don’t have the heart to take my kids out with me, and I don’t have the heart to leave them, so I am stuck here in this limbo, this hell of wishing I didn’t desperately want to be done living. I am in therapy. I meditate. I read. I exercise when I can. I listen to music. I run myself ragged caring for the kids.I deal with my abusive ex regularly, and politely. And I still can’t shake this gnawing pain. This crippling anxiety. This desperation for relief. Every time i have a quiet moment (usually just before I fall asleep, in bed, or in the shower), I sob and sob and sob and beg God to take this from me and give me strength, courage, and clarity. I just want to be the best I can be for them. I want to live. But every day I hear this inner narrative that says ‘I just want to die’. I am so tired. So so very tired. Of fighting, for so many years, to keep my head above water. I left a harrowing situation 2 years ago and have been clawing my way up, trying to rebuild my life and heart and mind and it seems like everyone expects me to just be better, right away. I. Don’t. Know. How!
Add to that, trying to heal my kids, while I am broken myself… How do I do this…
Oh mama. I’m so sorry that you’re hurting. Suffering is a part of our shared human condition, but so is love, joy, and compassion. You are a wonderful, loving mother who is doing her best for her children. Hugs from an internet stranger ((((()))))
I feel the same. Are there any moments where you feel differently? I often feel better when I take medicine or do something that requires a lot of brain power. Like learning a new language has helped me get my mind working on something else rather than trying to fix my sadness and anxiety. Also, getting obsessed about something else rather than how I feel (because I have ocd.) For example, I’m obsessed with kpop and make fake songs in my head. Try to find things you like and make that your goal instead of “achieving happiness.” God i hate the word happy, it’s too fleeting. Also please make sure your medicine is working if u take any! I felt really awful today with the suicidal thoughts but I feel a tiny bit better after taking a vistaril.
So much of what you said here resonates with my own thoughts about suicide, which I also dwell in daily. I can tell you’re in a particularly deep place right now and I can definitely relate, but I can also tell that you’re an incredibly strong woman and that you’re being strong for the people you love. That’s why we keep going despite wanting to die every. single. day. Those kids would never recover from losing you, and that’s why you need to keep being strong. Right now, you live for them; the goal should be to someday want to live for yourself too. That’s what my therapist tells me anyways. I wish you all the strength it takes to keep going on, with love.
I am suffering and surfing the internet for a solution. I want you to know that your post has helped me through this moment. I screenshotted and highlighted the statement about living for them and eventually for me. I think it may help me through more moments. Thank you. Thank you.
You do this one moment at a time. I divorced a very abusive man 13 yrs ago and am still recovering. I still struggle with depression, PTSD and some suicidal thoughts. I’ve been raising my kids by myself since my divorce. Its not easy, and it never goes away. But it gets better. One moment at a time. Just like you “trained” yourself to react and how to act around an abusive person to not suffer their wrath; over time you can train yourself to slow the negative thought process that keeps you in this vicious cycle. There is no perfect way that works for everyone. But every little thing helps. Try countering every negative thought with a positive one. Down play the bad in your head and turn the tiniest good things into massive mountains. Up play the good! Remind yourself that every valley has a hill and at the top is a beautiful sunset, just for you. You will get there to see it. And it will be a long hard journey, but you will get there. As much as you are living for your kids right now you need to take time everyday for you. Even if its only 5 minutes to journal about your day or how your feeling so you can express yourself.
You are not broken. You’ve been bent very badly but you are not broken. Whether you believe it or not, and I know it doesn’t feel like it, You have already come so far and made so much progress. Your already bettering your kids lives and your own! Be proud of what you have done, what you have survived thru. And that is what you are doing. You are surviving and someday you will thrive and shine as you are intended to. Because even in the dark times you still show beyond the shadow of a doubt that you are capable of love and compassion for your kids. Turn some of that love inwards! Shine your light again and be proud of how far you have made it. Its never easy but it is possible. And you are making it!! One little step at a time and you will make it. Set small goals, like starting each day with a positive thought. Then progress to bigger ones, You dont have to have all the answers right away. One small goal at a time. Focusing on the big picture is way to overwhelming. Focus on one day, or one moment at a time.
I know it sounds cheesy but repetition is everything!!! The more you support yourself and repeat to yourself that you are worth the struggle, you are important and not just as a mom, you can do this. This will end. And every other positive thing you can think of; the more apt you are to believe it. You are worth it!!!!!! The house doesn’t have to be perfect every day, the dishes wont mold if you skip doing them once, but your mind will suffer worse if you don’t take time for you. It does get better, and it will get better. One moment, one day, one positive thought at a time.
Always remember………
You can do this. One step at a time, one trial and error process coping mechanism at a time, ONE MOMENT AT A TIME. You can do this!!!!!!!!
Great answer! Thanks!
I know all those feelings, almost exactly, even if my situation is a little different. I have one child, she doesn’t even live with me. She’s with her dad (my abusive ex – verbally abusive to me) but the idea of giving up is every moment of every day. I looked at your comment wondering if I had written it! Except I don’t have 4 kids! God I wish we both will feel better soon. And those comments from friends… I get those too, as if we can just snap out of the suicidal feelings instantly, or that simple words would help when we need so much more (I’m guessing it’s also a financial issue as well as an emotional one too?)? I not only don’t have the heart to do it, I’m too afraid to even try. I guess we’re both in the same thought boat. I guess what I’m saying is to just know you’re not alone in feeling like this – I feel the same way- you’re not alone. Love and hugs sweet mom!
Sadmom, idk if you’ll ever see this comment. But I hope you do. I am a junior in high school, and in the seventh grade my mom committed suicide. I have crippling depression as well and actually lost my shit several times this week because I don’t know how to cope regardless of the fact I have been in therapy since what happened. My depression, however was at a peak a year before her suicide. She is not to blame for my suicidal tendencies, but losing my mother that way has greatly impacted my life. I have repeated the day in my head routinely every time I succeed at something, because she didn’t want to be here to see me do this. I have blamed, and turned to violence and drugs. I have been a cutter ever since. I have attempted suicide more than once. I have read her memorial pamphlet so many times, and changed my faith double that. I was adopted at 11, only to go through that a month before I turned 13, and it still impacted my life to such an extent, four years later. Please live, if I could beg my mom, I would.
I’m sorry for your loss ???
Thanks for sharing this. Truly sorry for your loss but you may save other kids your pain by sharing. I have a 9 & 11 year old. For some reason these thoughts hit me out of nowhere and for some reason, as much as I try, I can’t force myself to think about what would happen to them. Your story helped me today. Thank you.
Hi Sadmom…. I can resonate with you so much and i feel your pain because it is also my pain. Remember that if we were to give in to the weak mental moment, it does not end the pain. It only moves the pain from ourselves. To someone else, many others. I am a mom as well, the #1 thing that keeps me focused on fighting the suicidal thoughts, well, is my son. Keep reminding yourself this. I know that does not take the pain away. You praying to God has me believe you are Christian. Trust in the Lord even if you feel he has abandoned you!!! I know from experiences that God has allowed us to go through much pain, many trials (He is there though) because he is preparing us!!! Come revelation, the pain will be even greater. He is training us to withstand the call of the enemy. Do not give the enemy anything, including you dying. Then he’s won. Keep fighting!!! You do not always have to be strong. One day, I broke down for the first time in front of my son. I sobbed head down on my bed for 30 minutes and my son went berserk but he also had compassion and empathy and just hugged me. That was the first time I actually felt hope and relief. Kids are smarter than you think. Sometimes they can help us in ways we never imagined and in ways no one else, including ourselves can. Cry in front of them every now and then. They dont need to see you smile all the time!!!
Hope this helps!
I have thought we see our children’s damage because we feel our own and live with it so closely. Reality is children will in every power of themselves find the good and make their parents good for their own little minds. They understand unconditional love and seek our love before smiles and happiness. That’s right it took me a long time to understand I do not need to protect them from my feelings which I would say is me. Feelings are a part of all of us, some just feel more deeply. Love is not smiles and happiness. Love is vunerable and intimate. I have a life story with a lot of darkness and I have a deep desire to die. I do not feel equipped to live with the pain from my life. I read these comments and feel for you. See something wonderful in you and notice none of us are really alone.
Not Today
Anonymous,
I love this. What a wonderful coping statement – “Not today.” It acknowledges the reality that suicide is an option, but it need not be acted on. At least, not today. Sort of like AA’s “one day at a time,” but better.
Thanks for sharing!
I know these thoughts can help, I understand that suicide isn’t the option, but it would be nice if Medication and doing things that make you happy, made it possible for you to not think about wanting to not be alive anymore. I am just unhappy in my happy world. I have a great family, some very close good friends, a loving partner, a beautiful daughter and I love my job. BUT the wanting to die feelings and ideas never stop, I can be so happy and then all of a sudden I feel heavy and hear my mind saying, “I wish I didn’t want to die. I want to die and I don’t understand why.”
I’m on medicine, it always helps for a little while then the dose has to be brought up and eventually a medication change.
I just would love to understand and know how to stop the wanting to die feelings, when I’m happy with my life. Yes, moments upset me, but it isn’t always these upsetting moments where I feel suicidal. Half the time I’m happy and it makes me feel so depressed that no matter how much I do to help myself stop, even counseling on top of it all, it never stops.
Since I was a child, these thoughts haunt me. I would like them to stop, because I really love how my life is going. It’s been really bad before and cutting/self abuse was a major issue for me. Being drunk a lot as a teen was also a turn too.
I’m living my life much healthier, with better decisions and no more abuse from myself or my abusive ex and I can’t stop wishing sometimes, through every day, that I could just not be here anymore. I want to, want to live, how can this happen if nothing’s ever worked?
“Happy and depressed,”
I’m sorry that suicidal thoughts are tormenting you like this. For many people with longstanding suicidal ideation, thoughts of suicide become a habit of the mind. I write about that in my post, “When Suicidal Thoughts Do Not Go Away.”
Unfortunately, the more we try to make thoughts go away, the stronger they can become. Thought suppression seldom works; what works better is accepting one’s thoughts but not putting so much stock into them. Mindfulness is one way to achieve this. For more information, see my article “Like Clouds Before the Sun: Mindfulness and Suicidal Thoughts.”
There also are books that might be helpful to you. One is Choosing to Live: How to Defeat Suicide Through Cognitive Therapy. Another is How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me: One Person’s Guide to Suicide Prevention. (Don’t worry, I don’t get any profits from the sales of any of the books I recommend on this site, except my own!)
I hope this information is helpful to you. If you find a particular technique that works for you, feel free to drop back here and let us know. I am certain others would find the information useful.
The bottom line is no one truly knows your pain. Everyone is oh my dad or something. My pain is deeply personal and no one knows. This is why these web sites are bull. I’m a coward because I’ve tried twice and failed. Recently after Kate and Anthony it’s nearly all I think about. I’m plain tired. Being depressed takes all your energy.
TalkBeforeSleep,
I understand you think this website and others like it are bull, so you might not believe me when I say I’m sorry about the deeply personal and intense pain that you describe. The suicides of Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain are tragic losses in themselves, and they additionally are dangerous for vulnerable people who, as you describe, now think of suicide all the more.
Though depression might tell you otherwise (depression is an artful and compelling liar, by the way), there are people and places that want to help, or at least to try. I hope you will give them a chance before taking action to end your life. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255 is one such place, as is the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, if you’re in the U.S. Other places are listed on the Resources page at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Thanks for stopping by here. I hope that you experience some relief soon.
Ive looked for stability my whole life cause didn’t have much growing up.Dad tried to drown me and has a rap sheet pages long. Mom was incapable of raising us due to drinking and pills so I raised my brother and myself. Fast forward Got married and had a home a real home, we became different people and as so many do the marriage ended and lost my happy home worked so hard for. For the past 5 years been moving from place to place searching for that stability and loving partner. Took a long break from playing music professionally cause the internet destroyed the business and most venues in FL would rather pay less for mediocre artists. Being totally sober in the music biz is very lonely cause so many people are addicts so I cant relate to many of my peers. Came to Ormond beach where I love the saltwater fishing in hoping to repair my finances which I was doing, lost job yesterday and they didn’t tell me why cause its right to work state. Wanted to save up and get back to Tampa area I don’t see a way out of this 5 year tailspin. The thing is I know what will make me happy , had it in marriage, home and a loving partner. Autistic too so stability is golden . Havent had this in so long. Sorry rambling now. Love u all for your courage.
Shane I was drowned many times by my cousin and his friend in the public swimming pool that I felt many times that kick for life when your body shakes when there is no more oxygen left in your body its a horrible feeling. Im sorry you lost your home that must really suck. I envy you that you are music talented. I’m sorry you lost your job. Im sure you will find another loving patner. It’s ok to be Autistic like as in you said your still functional I hope you find stability and love. Take care Love, Ryan
Hang in there, please!!! I think we share something in common. We believe our happiness revolves around a loving partner, a stable and secure home, or things, or whatever it is. The sad issue is we define our lives around everything but ourselves!!!! I still struggle with this. Im a divorced single mom. My happiness was in a loving stable supportive home raising my son in a family. Its all gone, i move every 3 months to a shared room I rent from other families and my ex just continues to knock me off my feet everytime i get a grip to pull myself up. But i have hope. Hope is really the key and finding ways to define your life with who you already are!!! God bless
Jesus I wish I could find a partner. I’m so desperately looking for a partner in my life now that I’m 31 social anxiety depression bi polar. I need to be felt loved and needed. I’m close to giving up. I’m just so lonely I need companionship but im so afraid and uncomfortable with people. That I’m destined to wind up alone. I’m gonna be alone for ever.
[This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. – SF]
Well I guess my post wasn’t good enough for even a site full of people just like me, who failed at life and then failed at killing themselves, too.
I spoke from the heart and tried my best to help … should have known it wouldn’t be worth anything to anyone
But at least I made the effort, just like every hellish day of my life.
Thing is, they say there’s something broken inside me, but I’ve tried every pill and every treatment there is … ‘They’ act as if it’s MY FAULT that ongoing, torturous abuse paired with crippling and horrifyingly painful physical disabilities are too much for me to handle … and I never wanted a perfect, pain-free life, I just wanted a break from the horrible, horrible abuse and forced drug use and sub-standard living conditions and botched surgery and and and … just once in a while, to be able to breathe or sleep or smile, just sometimes ….
The only thing that stops me sometimes is knowing 1. Other people are in hell and yet they still keep on truckin, so maybe I can, too, and
2. If I do it, it will undoubtedly inflict painful emotional wounds on everyone from the very few who love me to the witnesses and workers tasked with cleaning up the aftermath and knowing that those are the kind of wounds which may eventually drive others to suicide.
The only reason I can hang on most days is because I know that others don’t deserve to suffer the way I suffer. Wish I could figure out why the universe dumps all this hell on me, why I can’t wake up from this nightmare … I guess some people matter more than others, and I’m not about to make anyone feel like me; like less than a person because I’m so broken and worthless that I can’t handle daily trauma and pain and no one cares enough to even do their job to help me make things better.
Idk if this will help anyone at all, just please know that you’re not alone … Most people will never, ever witness what I am and have been subjected to, even in horror movies … so if you’re stuck in a flick worse than The Last House on the Left, you’re not alone. Best wishes to you all and God bless you.
Nobody, I’ll touch on 2 points you made “crippling and horrifyingly painful physical disabilities are too much for me to handle” My father is in somewhat of the condition you are are in he has a shattered hip and is is chronic pain in his knees I think from gout, so I am terribly sorry you are going through such things. You can get steroid shot for where the pain hurts like my grandparents did for their back pain and my dad is soon to do for his hip.
Also a tip from me from what my dad went through don’t pay the pharmacy through your doctor with medicaid or medicare for pain meds it might only be 11 or 20 dollars cash you pay but they will give you more pain pills if you pay cash.
As far as “just once in a while, to be able to breathe or sleep or smile, just sometimes” my dad has sleep apnea and copd so I feel you there too, The CPAP mask seems to help him alot. There are Melatonin, Valerian natural sleep aids you can find at Safeway. I don’t know how well Ambien might work for you it helped my grandpa out but he started talking to people in the bedroom mirror at night.
As far as “smiles” take whatever ones you are given and give back as many as you can. To me Thank you’s are worth more than smiles anyway. Take care I wish you well, Love Ryan.
Life can change like the weather. Let’s not miss the sun shine.
I overdosed last week. I’m still here. I wake up in a bad mood everyday because I’m alive. I then cry and picture my family and leaving my husband and kids to deal with my death. I just cry now. I don’t know what to do sometimes. I feel as if I am just a person in everyone’s way. I can’t dig myself out.
I know how you feel and feel the same but remember your kids. They matter more than how we feel and not only would it ruin their lives it also increases the possibility that they will also attempt suicide. Do what it takes to hold on- even if it’s just finishing the dishes or making it through work today – one goal a day big or small. For them.
I hope you’re still here, May!
I deal with suicidal thoughts and the horrible guilt that comes with the other side of the coin: the unspeakable, life long pain and loss that I would be imposing on the few who do love me if I were to murder myself.
Yeah, I know … how can you murder someone who is already “dead” inside? Well, your family doesn’t see you that way, especially your kids. Our loved ones forgive our faults, but somehow we can’t ….
So, my question to you is, Why would you ever put your children in the same situation that you are in now? They don’t deserve to have the endless pain and repeating thoughts of blame and worthlessness that you and I have now. They deserve a chance. They deserve to know that you fought for them; that they are worth sticking around for, no matter how much it hurts.
And also, realize that when you’ve been clean and sober for a while, you’ll be able to think much more clearly about these things. This isn’t a decision that should be made while in the throes of addiction. Addiction lies to people. Don’t believe those lies!
Don’t believe that you are “inherently flawed” and doomed to live a life of addiction and pain, either … there ARE cures and you CAN do it. Talk to those who have been where you want to go.
Don’t give up on yourself – it’s not your fault that this happened to you, but it’s up to you to do something about it!
I love you !
It will get better if you let it.
Take care of yourself, even if that means going away for a while … better a short vacation than a permanent one.
God bless you and your family!
Carl, I’m doing the TMS right now, only the third treatment today. I battle suicidal thoughts throughout the day. I don’t want to do it, so I talk back. I live in fear and am hoping to have ECT once again. It takes away those thoughts.
I picture how it would be if I did commit suicide, then see in my mind’s eye how bad that would be.
Not today!!
All of the CBT affirmations about how things will change only remind me that, based on my own personal experience, things do constantly change. But only for the worst. All the more reason I wish I could die.
Not all of us get to cope, not all of us get to see the person that we are told to see on our good days and believe that is supposed to be us, not all of us have good days to compare this, not all of us have a family that will notice us go, so what happens to us, we just disappear into the night quietly on our own alone, only to be discovered by not someone who cares, but someone who is dissatisfied that we are no longer able to attend to their personal agendas, or that now we’ve created a nuisance for them and a mess to clean up more work for them because now they must hire someone else, this is when we know that we are just a cog in the machine and with no support system except for a generic mental health system, some of us are truly alone and doomed to our dismay
Thank you for your help. Reading those positive affirmations helps me with my negative thoughts.
Thanks for the article it was very helpful. I would be interested to chat to you Carl about my feelings and see if we can share in some common ground. Let me know if this would be possible thanks.
This has really helped, thank you for clearing up the misuse of irrational positive thinking.
Thank. For help. God. Bless. Angel
Thanks Carl, those are very kind thoughts. I am still not hopeful but I will read the book.
Hello Angelina, thank you for your message! I know what you mean about feeling alone and isolated. I know that there are childhood trauma support groups out there but I have not found any near me. So I would like to recommend an excellent book to you, “The Courage to Heal, A guide for Women Survivors of Childhood Sexual Abuse” by Ellen Bass. It is a very good book that has women’s survival stories from childhood sexual abuse. Those stories may help you to not feel so isolated. I read it because, well because guys don’t talk about this and I was desperate to find some connection with others and have some perspective on my own experience.
I want you to know that you are an incredible person! How do I know this? Because I could not even bear to think about my childhood till later on in life when I was thankfully forced to face it or die. It was like waiting till the night before the final exam to start studying. But here you are, still in high school and having the great courage to face it! Positive quotes on your wall! Searching to heal yourself! Who are you!?! Most of us ignore it, stuff it, get stuck in addictions to manage it, until our lives are completely falling apart. You are so inspiring to me and I feel that you will inspire and help so many people that are suffering because of your great courage and determination to heal yourself.
I love the quote you shared because it refers to the faith we can have in finding our life’s purpose. Here are some of my favorite quotes. “Don’t believe everything you think.” “Pain is inevitable, suffering is optional.” “Letting go is to give up the hope for a better past.” and “Today I am going to screw up and I’m okay with it.”
Carl
The hope box is a really helpful idea. Thank you
I am a 55 year old female with a good professional job. I have been depressed since age 12 due to sadistic emotional abuse as a child. In my experience it is harder to talk myself out of suicidal thoughts which each new onset of depression, since there is less and less evidence that hope for the future is valid. Depression is forever.
Hello Lisa. I can completely relate to the feeling that the depression and suicidal thoughts will never end. After much therapy I finally realized that I had absorbed or internalized so much toxic shame and negative beliefs from my childhood abusers that I had never been able to create my self-worth and happiness. This is absolutely normal for anyone who has lived through abuse. We were so vulnerable as children, and they can be so cruel. I never told my parents of the sexual abuse or physical abuse. I completely internalized what they told me, that I was a bad person, that I deserved to be punished, that I should die. That no one would ever love me if they knew the truth about me.
But two years ago I read a book that changed my cycle of depression and self-hate. Its called THE POWER OF NOW by Eckhart Tolle. In his book he teaches us how to live in the present where our fears of the future cannot hurt us, where our anxiety and pain over the past no longer sabotages us. We are not our minds. Yes my mind continues to have negative thought patterns from my childhood and PTSD but I can look at those thoughts now without being constantly pulled into mental drama, self destruction and depression like before.
We don’t have to believe everything we think. We don’t have to identify with the mind. I’m not trying to say that this is easy but with work and mindfulness it can be done. Please read the book, it was a lifesaver for me. I really can’t believe that I am still here. Yes I still get triggered into my emotional mind which wants to destroy me, but I now know that I can get back to the present where the mind can’t torment me.
Best wishes,
Carl
Lisa and Carl,
I’m with you both. 63 year old woman, worked in IT most of my life. I love programming computers and started it back when it was a new thing.
But I suffered disabling bouts of depression and suicidality. Years of meds and therapy helped a lot, yet the depression would come back. Eventually I got to the point where I was always thinking of suicide.
Also read that Eckhart Tolle book, Carl, and it’s wonderful. But I have actually been practicing mindfulness since I was in college. It’s necessary. But I think my brain was too messed up, and the depression came back as recently as last summer. I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital in Pittsburgh and requested ECT. Yes, ECT. My mother had it in the late 1950s and later told me she preferred it to medication. Even as bad as it was then.
ECT got rid of my preoccupation with suicide. I still have some troubles, but I don’t want to kill myself. I don’t even understand why I ever did. What a blessing!
God bless you both.
Pam
So true Lisa, I’ve lived with depression all my life. I was born like it.
Lisa – I am a 64 year old woman who has been depressed and suicidal since I was very young also. The best time in my life was the 9 years I moved in to take care of my Mother. She and I became best friends before she died.
Now I am alone. I have no friends, no spouse, and no children. I am ready for my life to be over.
Thanks for listening.
hi. My name is Angelina. i have been suffering with suicidal thought since 6th grade and i am now in 10th grade this year. i am right now 15 feb is my birthday which is not to far away. my bio dad has sexually abused me when i was in 6th grade yes he is locked up and is facing a lot of charges. i have been to many treatments and i still have the thoughts to hurt myself or to kill myself. if theres anyone out there that has found something that has helped them then please comment and let me know thanks.
Hi Angelina, I’m so sorry this happened to you. I was 7 and 8 when I was sexually abused and I assure you that you are absolutely normal for what you have lived through. We just have to learn how to cope and heal. The best thing I’ve done for myself is to do EMDR therapy to rewrite those horrible traumatic moments of my life, and to do yoga. You can follow a yoga session on Youtube. It helps peoples like us who were physically and sexually abused to learn to re-inhabit our bodies. When I start to have suicidal and self hurt thoughts, they can become so overwhelming. I wrote myself an affirmation to read when these thoughts attack and try to destroy me. They are positive thoughts that I want to believe about myself. They are my attempts to push the shame I feel away and put it back on those who really deserve it. Here is my affirmation as an example for you but you may want personalize it for yourself.
The Voices Within
My life has been a mystery, but is now becoming clear.
I seek courage, day by day, to change the voices within me.
The harmful voices I hear are but shadows of the past, and are false.
I now know that the abusive voices were from those who abused me.
Hurt and pain from others fuels the voices that I should not live.
I no longer accept to carry their hurt and shame. I release it now.
It is carried shame from others that fuels the voices that I should hurt myself.
I no longer accept to carry their hurt and shame. I release it now.
It was the burden of suffering with these voices and pain that fueled my urge to act out.
I now know the truth and commit this day to treat myself with the love and respect I deserve.
I am committed to solving the mystery of my life.
I will study, attend therapy, self-sooth, exercise and meditate to heal myself.
I am at peace with these voices because I know that they have transformed me into the kind, loving, non-judgmental and accepting person that I am today.
I can calmly hear these voices, because I now know they are a compass to healing my Inner Child and disowned selves.
I allow my life to unfold with each lesson that my Inner Twin teaches me.
I am guided in my every step by Inner Twin who reveals to me what I must know and do.
I have the courage today to be like water and escape the sting of these abusive voices.
I have the courage today to change my inner voices to those of peace and love for myself.
I am a work in progress and am patient in my recovery, however long it takes.
I know that the Universe intends a happy and meaningful life for me and I accept it now.
My life is just beginning!
What beautiful and meaningful affirmations, Carl. Thank you for sharing! Helping others is a powerful way to find meaning in one’s own suffering, which can be healing for both the helper and the person they are trying to help.
hi Carl!!
thank you so much for your input. i am glad i can relate to someone. i know it happens to more people then we think but sometimes you still feel like your alone when you cant always have someone there with you 24 7. I really love your writing idea. thank you so much for your loving message. I hope your doing well. I also found that putting positive quotes around your room helps as well i am a BIG quote person. one of my favs right now is… I know im good for something but i just haven’t found it yet.
Hi Angelina, I just read your post and I am very sorry this happened to you. I was not sexually abused, however my mother would hit me many times, and told me she hated me, she was very verbally abusive and emotionally abusive. She had told me many times she wished I died at birth. I have the same thoughts you do and I believe it is from too much pent up anger, shame etc. You have to remember none of this is your fault, your father had something wrong with him, maybe he was abused himself? What I do is I try to give it over to GOD and forgive (forgiving doesn’t mean you are saying it ok with what they did, forgiving is saying, yes it happens, it wasn’t right, I’m hurt, but I can’t change it and I choose to move past it. From this moment on, tell yourself “I love myself” “I love myself” you can say you don’t like what happened, but I love myself/I choose to love myself. Be your own best friend. Say to yourself what you would say to a friend that came to you and told you her father did to her what yours did to you. This world needs you, there are people out there that need you, be a friend to someone who needs one. Like this article says, leave yourself notes. Here are some examples “I love myself” “I matter” “I count” “God loves me” “Jesus loves me” “People care about me” “I am a survivor” “Never give up” “One day at a time” “I deserve to live” “I can do this” Also go outside, enjoy things around you, enjoy the sun, sky, clouds, flowers, birds, just nature in general. At night enjoy the moon, stars. Know that God created it all and HE loves you. I don’t know you but I care!
I’ve thought feelings of wanting to die for 15 years….i have taken an overdose of 100 10mg [pills] at the age of 16, was on life support for four days and spent 12 weeks in a mental health ward. I have had help from various mental health teams then at the age of 21 took heroin for the first time as an overdose… Sadly it didn’t kill me but just eased the pain and now I’m an addict receiving treatment. At the age of 27 I attached my self to the power cable of the train lines and spent six months recovering… I just can’t seem to die….look at what I have done to all my loved ones it sickens me. Yet I feel I am forced into existence. Evil things I think of and evil hallucinations have plagued me all my life. What’s the point of this. I have had the diagnosis of schizoaffective disorder and now pd. I just know I’m a defect that needs to be killed so now I have sourced someone to end this for everyone the wait to die is painful but knowing it’s soon fills me with joy.
Hello, waiting.
I hope you are still with us, even though I understand the feeling of joy at the prospect of dying.
I’m 63, and I have lived with depression and suicidality since I was 13. That’s when I tried to kill myself. 50 years. You can do this.
I wanted to let you know what helped me. Years of meds and therapy helped me, but the depression would always come back. Eventually I got to the point where I was always thinking of suicide.
Last summer I admitted myself to a psychiatric hospital in Pittsburgh and requested ECT. Yes, ECT. My mother had it in the late 1950s and later told me she preferred it to medication. Even as bad as it was then.
ECT got rid of my preoccupation with suicide. I still have some troubles, but I don’t want to kill myself. I remember making plans and ruminating over them. But that now seems so foreign to me.
Whatever you do, I hope you find some relief. You are not alone.
Pam
Please,please don’t. I wanted someone to tell me don’t do it but I couldn’t even utter the words. Here you are actually able to express yourself when I couldn’t! You don’t deserve to die! Everything is available to heal you so don’t give up. I came back from the edge, so can you! You can’t seem to die because you are not meant to. You can process your life, EMDR, CBT, DBT and more is available to you. The mind wants to keep us in the past which can be unbearable, but you are not your mind, you are not your past, you are so much more. Study mindfulness so that you can just watch your thoughts come and go without them hijacking you. Please hang on. Carl
I feel like I want to die. I keep reading about suicide hoping that I’d change my mind.
I feel helpless about everything. I’ve reached out to people, to my loved ones, they did care for a second but then … nothing. It felt like I was just a bad weather passing. I don’t think they took me seriously at all.
I’m really depressed. I wanted to tell someone important but things went wrong. I wasn’t able to say anything about my concern. That someone even got mad at me. Now we’re not talking. I thought of that note in this post “You Matter”. I don’t feel like I do, to that someone and to my family. It made me more depressed.
I went through a lot of depressing scenarios but this time I really can’t take it. All I think of is dying.
My world is falling apart.
Hi, Bluegirl,
It really sucks when loved ones don’t understand.
The problem, as you may know, is that they just don’t have a clue. It’s not that they don’t care; it’s that they have not experienced the devastation of having your world fall apart. I think they are literally incapable of helping you because of that.
But there are so many of us who do understand. And who have come through it alive. The depression may come and go, but you continue to be an important person. You DO matter. It’s just that you haven’t figured out HOW you matter yet. That may take a while, but I believe it will happen.
Maybe your world is/was falling apart so the pieces can rearrange themselves in a beautiful new way. I hope you are well.
Pam
I’ve always suffered from depression, and lately it’s only gotten worse. I didn’t know that reinforcement could help a lot. I’ll have to see if I can get a book or something that can give me some encouragement.
Braden i feel you. you just got to know that there is people out there for you and that its going to be hard and if it passes you can help other people that may have the same problems. i mean im here. i love to help people and im not doing the best right now as well i cant trust people its hard for me to open up to people but im here for you…
This is such a great question:
What would I tell someone else right now who wanted to die by suicide for the same reasons that I do?
I would say: fair enough, completely understandable. But it makes me enraged that you are in so much pain and so few people can help you.
That the denial and silence about child abuse, especially child rape, is so constant and isolating.
That hardly any counselors can assist people who were severely, chronically abused as children.
That this is because for a hundred years psychiatrists have colluded with perpetrators and the denial of society to label us deficient, borderline, maladaptive, wrong, liars, crazy.
When they could have been understanding trauma and disassociation and helping us instead of harming us.
That this has served perpetrators and the perpetrators are winning every time one of us kills ourselves.
So please, let your anger rise up and turn into fury and use that fury to stay alive.
That’s what I would say.
Hi all
Like many people, I’m dealing with hardcore feelings of depression and suicide after a major breakup in february. This guy was the love of my life.. at least I thought he was… He left me because of his selfsearching path in his faith.. he’s a hardcore christian since a couple of months. He had a job and all and lost it all and then, after I helped him through it all, he found peace and resource in his pratice of his faith.
So we went separate ways, as he felt he needed to be alone to deal with all of his soul searching, and thinking I wasnt the right one for him since im not as religious as him. It killed me. I would have given anything for him. We also had a abortion in the very beginning of our relationship, it brought us closer.
But since we split up, I’ve lost my will to live, I dont see how I could love someone again. I wonder where the confident, happy and strong woman that I was is now.. To find out that the man you loved so much thinks of you as “not religious or good enough” for him is terrible. I feel like he hid this part of him. from me. He’s said that he was married to his mom (still lives with her at 33) and that he has no choice but to leave the country to manage the move out of their home when (if) he comes back.
I feel like I’ve helped him so much to discover himself…and now Im left alone, without him by my side. I cant stop crying and feeling not worthy of love. As terrible as it sounds. He was the light of my days, now we have no contact at all. I feel like the guy that I used to know is long gone.
We were talking about moving in together.. but he last told me he couldnt live with someone before mariage.. so many lies…
Im lost.
Hi dear Anonymous.
2 years after your message, I hope that you’re still part of this (fucked up)world…
I can relate to your story, because 6 years ago I met the woman I had been looking for so long, spent 5 marvellous years together, then last year (in october 2017), she told me she needed a break, to finally let me know a week before X-mas that our story was over.
About a month and a half later, I found out she’s fucking with a guy who’s been harassing her for a couple of years at the gym (and who’s much younger than us, as I’m 39, she’s 40, and he’s only 28).
Since that day, I’ve been filling my body and spirit with booze, crack, and heroin (although I stopped all that shit 15 years ago), hoping to die everyday just to stop the physical and mental pain.
Yet, I gotta confess I’m a bit scared to die, and as I have no sister, or brother, I’m afraid to let my mother with my dumb stepfather, knowing her, I can’t picture her living through this…
Most of my friends turned their backs few months ago, and I’ve never felt so lonely and desperate, crying every single day, from the moment I wake up til the time I try to sleep.
Sometimes I have no meal for several days, as I happen not to have a shower in a week, although I’m a “metrosexual” kinda guy.
I stopped laughing to tears as I usually did along with my ex (not only was she beautiful, smart, strong, but also so funny)
Suicide has become the last solution for me, I can’t undergo days and months filled with regrets and sadness any longer…
I find no purpose in my life anymore. I’ve reached out for help. I’ve reached out to my mother who is a therapist, I’ve received nothing. I don’t know where to turn. I have nothing left, my wife and kids are gone my job sucks. The voice in my head that’s supposed to be the voice of reason is now voicing opinions of how I should just end it all. I hate this voice in my head I want it to stop!
Jason, I feel the same way. I have gotten better in the past and I try to keep hoping I will get better again. But I think of suicide every day, even when I’m healthy. I guess I’ve just been thinking about it so long that it seems like an old friend. It is also my Plan B.
I have found real help in coping by reading a site titled “Suicide – read this first.” Google will find it for you.
I also have a blog to which I publish haphazardly, http://www.PricklyPam.com. Maybe you could find something helpful there, just to know you are not alone.
If you’re not already, I’d strongly suggest meeting with a therapist and a psychiatrist. In my experience, you need both.
God bless you, Jason.
Pam
My precious loving husband of 35 years died of cancer. I don’t want to go on without him. I really do wish it was me instead.
Im…need help… the feeling of wanted to die is much stronger in me….i giving up on school …i started to abandoned my school… i did tell people about my depression …im seeking support and help but instead i get the opposite… evrynight i can’t sleep well..nowadays i tend to get too angry and easily hit anything to and hurt my hand…
Im alone, ive lost my purpose. my children are grown and argumenttive and think im an asshole.
W.
I can appreciate your thoughts. When I am feeling the same way I struggle for days. If you can, try to do a good deed or help a stranger, neighbour or friend. Something that you see thankfulness in heir eyes will fill you up with hope. Sometimes to help ourselves we must help another.
Please dont feel alone. My kids dont really want me in their lives either. I feel your pain. But one day they will need you and want you. You wouldnt want them to be all alone in this world without their mum. Dont give up ?❤
Your not an asshole.
[Crumbling is not an instant’s Act] – Emily Dickinson
Crumbling is not an instant’s Act
A fundamental pause
Dilapidation’s processes
Are organized Decays –
‘Tis first a Cobweb on the Soul
A Cuticle of Dust
A Borer in the Axis
An Elemental Rust –
Ruin is formal – Devil’s work
Consecutive and slow –
Fail in an instant, no man did
Slipping – is Crash’s law –
To make yourself something less than you can be-that too is a form of suicide.(benjamin lichtenberg)
”in a sense,both memory and imagination are a negation of time”(vladimir nabokov);”it’s a poor sort of memory that only works backwards.”(lewis carroll);”i am certain of nothing but the holiness of the Heart’s affections and the truth of Imagination.”(keats)
“The slave is doomed to worship time and fate and death, because they are greater than anything he finds in himself, and because all his thoughts are of things which they devour.”
―Bertrand Russell
I forgot to mention Queen of the night aria-Der Hoelle Rache;Edda Moser’s and Lucia Popp’s interpretations are the best in my opinion.Also in my opinion,the music(ever so relaxing) and the lyrics(a cry for blood and vengeance) don’t match,so perhaps you could try listening to the aria without reading the translation.Doll Song(joan sutherland0,Shadow Song(maria callas),Flower Duet(Mady Mesple),Fruehlinsstimmenwalzer(ingeborg hallstein),Lied der Nachtigall(ingeborg hallstein),Mein Herr Marquis(anneliese rothenberger)Habanera(maria callas)Caro nome(rita streich)Da tempeste(joan sutherland and lucia popp) are also worth a try.Knowing the lyrics isn’t essential,the music,very beautiful and accesible,does everything.everything can be found on youtube for free.you might also like Sumi Jo’s rendition of Caccini’s Ave Maria.hope this helps
A Great Hope Fell – Poem by Emily Dickinson
A great Hope fell
You heard no noise
The Ruin was within
Oh cunning wreck that told no tale
And let no Witness in
The mind was built for mighty Freight
For dread occasion planned
How often foundering at Sea
Ostensibly, on Land
A not admitting of the wound
Until it grew so wide
That all my Life had entered it
And there were troughs beside
A closing of the simple lid
That opened to the sun
Until the tender Carpenter
Perpetual nail it down –
(Emily Dickinson)
Emily Dickinson, 1830 – 1886
Hope is the thing with feathers
That perches in the soul,
And sings the tune without the words,
And never stops at all,
And sweetest in the gale is heard;
And sore must be the storm
That could abash the little bird
That kept so many warm.
I’ve heard it in the chillest land,
And on the strangest sea;
Yet, never, in extremity,
It asked a crumb of me.
“Harlem
What happens to a dream deferred?
Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore–
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over–
like a syrupy sweet?
Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.
Or does it explode?”
(langston hughes)
From childhood’s hour I have not been
As others were–I have not seen
As others saw–I could not bring
My passions from a common spring–
From the same source I have not taken
My sorrow–I could not awaken
My heart to joy at the same tone–
And all I lov’d–I lov’d alone–
Then–in my childhood–in the dawn
Of a most stormy life–was drawn
From ev’ry depth of good and ill
The mystery which binds me still–
From the torrent, or the fountain–
From the red cliff of the mountain–
From the sun that ‘round me roll’d
In its autumn tint of gold–
From the lightning in the sky
As it pass’d me flying by–
From the thunder, and the storm–
And the cloud that took the form
(When the rest of Heaven was blue)
Of a demon in my view–(e.a.poe)
I don’t know if I’m commenting on the right post,but here goes.I’ve been having suicidal thoughts ever since I was 14 and because of that,I was miserable almost all the time.The turning point for me was the discovery of music and books.They quite literally saved my life.I still have suicidal thoughts,but,as strange as it may sound,I feel much more in control of them than before;Cioran defined my state of mind with uncanny perfection-a person who can neither live nor die,and whose attention never swerves from this double impossibility.This is exactly how I’ve felt all my life.Another quote that I find sobering is one of Emerson’s,if i’m not mistaken.Suicide-the question is whether it is the way out or the way in.My favorite:a book is a suicide postponed.(Cioran)Definitely true for me.Here are some of the books that I frequently turn/return to-The Grim Reader(edited by Maura Spiegel and Richard Tristman,excerpts from books that deal primarily with death,I love this book,every excerpt sends you to another book,great resource),On Suicide(edited by John Miller),The Savage God,by Alfred Alvarez,The Death of Ivan Ilitch,by Leo Tolstoi,Confession,by Leo Tolstoi,Crime and punishment,by F.Dostoievski,Notes from the underground,by Doestoievski,Why does the world exist?,by Jim Holt,Fear,by Gabriel Chevalier,Sonderkommando,by Shlomo Venezia,Krishnamuti’s Freedom from the known and The last freedom,and in a very different vein,but just as good as any of the above-mentioned books is P.G.WODEHOUSE.Just read any of his Blandings or Jeeves and Wooster novels and,before you know,you’ll find yourself laughing or at least smiling.Happily,Wodehouse is highly addictive,so once you’re hooked,there’s no turning back.My favorites are Thank you,Jeeves;Uncle Fred in the springtime,Service with a smile,Leave it to Psmith,Uncle Dynamite;Right ho,Jeeves,Joy in the morning and The code of the Woosters.There is also a collection of stories The world of Jeeves that I absolutely adore.Emily Dickinson’s poems are also a huge help for me.”I measure every Grief I meet/with narrow,probing Eyes/and wonder if it weighs like Mine/or has an Easier size.[…]There’s Grief of Want and Grief of Cold/a sort thy call Despair/there’s Banishment from native Eyes/in sight of Native Air//and though i may not guess the kind/correctly-yet to me/a piercing Comfort it affords/in passing Calvary//to note the fashions of the cross/and how they’re mostly worn/still fascinated to presume/that Some-are like my Own.”As for the music,I must confess I find metal extremely soothing,but I can quite understand that I’m in a minority in this respect.However,to me,Rammstein is the music of the spheres(their latest album unfortunately not included).Enya is another artist I am in massive awe of,Pilgrim;Paint the sky with stars,Evening falls are among the songs I like best,not that one could ever go wrong with Enya.Tarja Turunen is another voice I appreciate;I particularly recommend I feel immortal;Our great divide and Underneath.She used to be in a band called Nightwish and it is definitely something you should check out(just with her as the singer,imho the following two female singers that replaced her are an embarrassment to the band,but that’s just my opinion,plenty of people seem to like them).My favorites-Swansong,Gethsemane,Sleeping sun,Stargazers,Ghost love score,Kinslayer,Slaying the dreamer,Wishmaster.Maria Callas,Joan Sutherland and Leontyne Price are three of my most beloved opera singers and it’s of little consequence if you don’t understand the lyrics or the plot,just try focusing on the music alone and then take it from there once you’re into it.Pavarotti is the tenor everyone knows,but Carlo Bergonzi and Franco Corelli are way better,so you might want to give them a chance to change your life too.Lieder are my ultimate source of solace,but an ever so slight familiarity with the German language is mandatory in order enjoy them fully.Try Der Engel in Kirsten Flagstad’s interpretation and Schmerzen in Astrid Varnay’s.The translations of these two very beautiful songs are to be found on the internet.This post came out longer than intended,please note that I mentioned favorites and made recommendations in order to offer a good place to start,not in order to impose my preferences on other people.There’s a lot more o be shared,but,as I have doubts people will have/take the time to plough through my already massive post,it’s best to stop here.Hope this helps,take care.
I read it all! Appreciated
Thanks for the feedback! 🙂
I know what you are going through. I’ve been really low the last year and a half. I’ve had suicidal ideation since middle school, and attempted twice and woke up both times from it without the full realization of what I tried to do. I honestly feel nothing for or from people as long as I could remember even though I try to show it to them just to hold onto relationships, but mostly in my head it’s an agenda without its fruits more like an illusion of filling something empty. I’m honestly believing that I might have Bipolar. The symptoms and signs from informational sources and comments made by family, friends, and coworkers tell me what they see of my behaviors that I don’t notice until I ask them what I did that contradicts with what I thought I did. I’m 22 this month and scared for myself and for people who feel the same way. I know that there are probably many nights where you feel extremely alone with no one out of the huge handful of people that’s on your phone that are willing to speak to you when you are in a really dark shade with nothing to light it when you know that you might do something really terrible to yourself that night. Even if there are people that are aware of how you feel, they’re either too scared or narcissistic to support you in a small way just to at least help you get by, at least by hearing what you have to say instead of them telling you the same broken record of advice like hospitalization, medication, therapists, ECTs, general terms to describe how you feel, people telling you why not do “blah blah” to feel better, and “you have such a decent life, why are you so depressing”. I really distrust people. I’m pretty sure I’m introvert (not entirely sure) but I try to be an extrovert like “normal minded” people in order to cope for a few moments until thoughts come racing telling you that “the people you know don’t really care, they just want to make sure that they feel good about saying it and so that they can use you, you are really nothing to them”, and this thought always keeps coming up even though I try to do normal things and try speaking normal to avoid sounding manic or depressive (but it really hurts to be an actor all the time). I have significant interests in life but they are absolutely no tokens that make me happy, and other things don’t remedy any better except doing dangerous things that put you on the line between now and death that gives you two tangible contrasting views that you can finally see clearly for a brief moment that make you smile sometimes.
The best healthy things that I’m doing to cope now before possibly seeking help from a talk therapist (which i really need now, I’m aware Bipolar has the tendency to be chronic and unpredictable on the status of a major manic episode that exceeds hypomania) is:
-Daydreaming your ideas and making it uniquely practical or cool (it also helps you to tell people your ideas to see if they like it or don’t and see how you could make it better).
-Not looking people in the eye that you don’t have to talk to.
-420 helps depending where I am on the poles.
-Snuggling up to really soft thick blankets (in the nude. I know it’s weird but more effective, i sincerely mean that).
-Cartoons like King of the Hill, Courage the Cowardly Dog, Spirited Away, Kiki’s Delivery Service, My Neighbor Totoro, Simpsons, Chowder, or Futurama (NOT Adventure Time or that newer stuff, it’s brain mush) can help on lonely feeling nights before bed to get a good night sleep to feel balanced the next day.
-Driving around new places during sunlight with music (I know in the state that you must be in makes music blank out pretty much, but there are songs that do understand you and preach what you are going through that gives comfort, but it’s an effort to find. Try listening to songs from bands like 30 Seconds to Mars, Distillers, 3 Days Grace, Massive Attack, Avatar (the band :P) BlessTheFall. You might not like these bands but you might get references of other bands through looking around YouTube that might be better, I don’t know though.
-Literally sweating it out in a hot car with BBC world news or NPR on the radio.
-Eating sour-cream and white-cheddar Cod Chips (the actual brand or something of the kind) with thick tomato bisque soup.
-Eating sharp cheddar cheese with toasted and stale sourdough bread.
-Eating spicy foods.
-Taking St. Jobsworths or HTP Time Release pills on anxiety days (I think they sell both at Walgreens but try somewhere cheaper, even Walmart might sell it in store or online, Amazon, etc).
-Hot bathes with bubble bomb soaps (from Bath and Body Works, or online that that sells a variety like herbal ones to sooth or one to heal the body that in return heals the mind like Green Tea extract soap bombs).
-Staying hydrated and drinking a few cups of coffee and slurping one shot of Vodka in the morning on depressive days (don’t do this often though otherwise it won’t have an effect anymore and isn’t great for you physically either),
-Sometimes aroma therapy, but usually the citric fruits or pine cedar scents work better.
-Writing on yourself with pen or sharpie on your wrist or chest saying either “You Love, I Love, I Grasp Life, Death is My life’s Enemy (this one i drew on my arm or thigh), They Love You, Life= Learn Receive Share, You Will be Needed Soon, etc (write whatever makes you smile, even draw symbols or pictures that matter to you in life that will give you that rare microsecond shiver in your spine that feels like being happy.
-Talking to strangers for a few moments on your way to something can help too as difficult as it is to just approach someone to talk to even though you are not going to have an empathetic experience. You might find out a little something new during the conversation to think about in that day.
I have absolutely no trust for psychiatrists, they seem more afraid of you than you being afraid of you, which worsens how you feel about your overall self. I bruise myself a lot on the thigh through punching, I throw myself at walls or doors to deliberately hurt my arms or shoulders, and I starve myself a lot until the point of my stomach twisting and jumping around for something to feed on where I would feed it like a bite of something throughout the day to get by with the starvation coping mode that creates disillusion for me a lot of the time just to think how hungry i am instead of feeling how angry or scared i am. I’ve gotten the courage to start cutting on my other thigh too. DO NOT HURT YOURSELF BY ANY MEANS, PLEASE USE THE ALTERNATIVES THAT I LISTED FOR THE SAKE OF YOUR HEALTH as contradicting & hypocritical of me to say so, but it’s me and I will only really do hideous things like this when I am in a state of loathing who I am and how nobody is here to comfort the demon out of me that is now in control for the time being that I have to hurt out of me before it does me on my crisis days.
But seriously! You are not alone in this, the issue is we are alone because this topic is taboo (which angers the hell out of me since adolescent suicides or ODs are the second most killer for teens and young adults in the United States) and we feel as though no one will talk to us or just judge us until committing suicide. We are around each other, people like us who need help, mixed in with the “normals” on a daily social basis so we don’t have an idea which of us are going through the same thing making you feel alone in this unless you are or have gone through it and can see the signs and symptoms in others that you have seen in yourself. I’ve destined my own philosophy and principles about life that makes more sense for me, more sense to me on why things are the way they are as well as many scientific facts i try to learn about to incorporate into my ideologies about the meaning of life through practicality and wonder. These ideas have made me fear death even less, which isn’t good in theory for people who need help, but it brings me some pessimistic optimism that seems almost so out of this world that it takes me out of it. The theology I’ve made for myself keeps me balanced whenever I think about ending it and makes me think about it for a long time, which in return buys me time to rethink what I am about to do to myself.
Honestly for the most part (I know I should, but I literally don’t) I don’t think about anyone with heart to care if they are going to miss me if I go, but what helps a little is if there is one person that you feel like you need to live for in meaning and symbolic form, even if they are already passed, you can spark something in your core to get you through for a time being.
Bottom-line, you are gonna have internal battles to come, you might even get hurt in those battles, but remember that there is a nurturing part of you that wants you to be alive for the external battles to come where the person next to you or in front of you will need your help even if you won’t feel anything from it, it gives a real sense of purpose and it’s as simple as opening a really tight jar of pickles for ma or grandma when they shout your name for help. Living hurts, I know, and I usually scream I want to die at the top of my lungs (literally I do, not usually with anyone around though, but other times it can turn fun when someone overhears and starts to get concerned and you have to make up a reason for what you said) just to get it out of me until that phrase becomes a broken record after shouting it out of my thoughts in order to get it depleted out of you until it comes back on you later.
Remember though, you are NOT alone in your battles to come or have already:
-When your eyes go black paint it white and blink,
-When shadows creep up on you, blind them standing with the biggest smile that it even scares the Joker,
-And always laugh at the demon that looks at you through the mirror for it is an animal incarcerated in your zoo that only exists to eat and defecate while you are so much more than that.
Find someone who has gone through the same thing that you are going through, me, and also others. That someone can help you in a crisis moment (and you’ll maybe experience it one day or already have, but I really hope not, it’s terrible to go through). Knowing someone who understands you through their own experience of it is very comforting and they would have a sense of what to do, even just sit with you till you have upraise from the battle in your war. I don’t know when the war will be won for me, and others like us feel the same, a lot have been fighting for years and can’t see when it’s going to end, and very few have won their wars.
Don’t give up, find strategies to avoid battles, and to get through the war without much casualties. You’re young and vise versa, so we both have paths that we see and know what will happen in each that look very undesirable, but we need to choose one crappy path to find a smooth one which could be a long or short walk.
Keep Fighting Young & Burnout Old.
Hi Roman,
I was researching the topic of Suicide for a talk I’ll be giving. I just read your post. Thank you for ALL the honest, raw and detailed information you shared. You are very brave to put it all out there. I want to recognize you for strength to face and fight your internal battles. You are a true hero (afraid, but facing your fear)! Just want you to know that I read this. I honor your experience. You matter.
Roman, I can’t thank you enough for your detailed comment.
My father, uncle and cousin have taken their own lives and it still feels surreal to me that I can even think these thoughts when I know how it effects everyone. I guess it shows how powerful the brain really is, you know it’s not right and you don’t ever want to be in this state but it’s hard to know how to stop it when those feelings come.
I’ve put it down to the fact that suicide has been quite normalised in my family.
When I get in this state I often know there’s so many things I could do to feel better but I don’t know where to start and end up feeling frozen to the chair. I’m printing out your list and sticking it to my fridge 🙂
The thoughts of suicide comes as a comfort in the morning, almost like a promise to get me through the day. And at night again I promise my self it will happen and fall asleep with less chaos in my mind. And rest easy. The scary moments are when you are willing but your body is not. And you start all over again.
Perhaps I have a hormone imbalance like ‘oKay’. Perhaps I should talk with a doctor. I’m just not sure which one. Or when.
But I know the joy you can regain from walking out of this cloud but the cloud is just so much easier to sit in.
Im dealing with someone that came to my life about 2 months ago, we really connected. Later she confessed to me that she had planned to kill herself the day after she went to meet me. She said she couldn’t do it, and that I saved her… She have had some episodes since always at night when she feels lonely and she expressed to me her wishes to stop breathing. The problem is we live and work 2 hours apart and im very scared, she does not talk about this with anyone but me.
I discovered that mine is mostly hormonal. The week before my period I always feel empty, crazy & ready for this to end. The statement I tell myself is: “This is just temporary and you will not feel this way in 2 weeks.” (even though I argue this is going to recycle again every month). Sometimes it’s not hormonal and it’s just random through the month or during seasonal memories. Again with those times, I remind myself “it’s temporary, it will pass & be ok. Your kids need you to be in their life” Thanks for having this helpful website.
For every day I experience intolerable pain, I am one day closer to finding happiness again.
“This too shall pass.”
This is the most wonderful, compassionate – yet practical – site I have come across. Thank you.
What wonderful feedback, Lianna. Thank you. You just made my day! 🙂
Stacey, I love this idea of writing notes to yourself or others and can’t wait to share this with my clients and colleagues, too! Thanks for sharing such a practical idea with us!
Thanks for the feedback, Tamara! I hope that this post is helpful to others. It is interesting to hear what coping statements people come up with for themselves. What might seem cliche to one person can have profound meaning to another. Whatever works!
I have a fortune from a few years back that I keep in my purse. It says “Never give up.” I find that helps… Even if I disagree with it.
You are important to the people around you and would hurt them more by not being in their lives.
The meaning of life is to give life meaning
That is a fantastic coping statement. Reminds me of a magnet I have on my file cabinet: “To the world you might be just one person, but to one person you might be the world.”
knowing about suicide helps to get rid from suicidal ideas
Hello A U Basavaraja, there was a time when suicide was a taboo topic. It still is, to a degree, but more and more people are talking about suicide, saying the name, telling their suicidal experiences, sharing their suicide losses, and joining together to fight suicide. You are absolutely right – knowledge about suicide and talking about it are two of our greatest weapons against suicide. Thanks for sharing!
I go to God with it. Reading & thinking about other things does bring solutions too, but to have an advocate is the BEST.
Don’t you know that sometimes we just snap because of one cruel comment by someone we love who matters to us?
“Anonymous,” that is awful that someone you love speaks cruelly to you. I am not sure what you mean about when you say that you just “snap” as a result. Is it that their cruelty provokes suicidal thoughts in you? Or is it that their cruelty exacerbates suicidal thoughts that already were present and makes you want to act on them?
In any case, coping statements can help. Even if someone makes a cruel remark to you, you do not have to believe it or to get angry at yourself or to take your anger toward them out on yourself. If a child on the playground were being cruelly teased, what would you recommend to him or her? Would it be for them to die by suicide? How about an adult who is told something cruel by a parent or partner? What are other courses of action that you might recommend besides suicide? Could these possibilities apply to you, too?
Eleanor Roosevelt famously said, “No one can make you feel inferior without your consent.” I think that statement is a little simplistic, but it does point to a greater truth, and that it is that we must get “hooked” by someone’s words in order for those words to hurt us. If someone says something cruel to me and I know their words are absurd, I just think the person is ridiculous, with no injury done to myself. But if they say something cruel to me that I have also thought about myself, or that I wonder about, or that I believe, then their words will hurt. For these reasons, it can be helpful to remind yourself that you do not need to believe the cruel remark, and that it might be wrong, and that even if it is true, it does not define you, and if in some way it does define you, then you can change — and so on. Talk back, if not to the person, then to the part of yourself that believes their words.
Finally, perhaps the person you care about is verbally abusing you. This can dramatically undermine your feelings of self worth. If so, I urge you to read about verbal abuse. Here is a good place to start: Are You a Victim of Verbal Abuse?
I wish you the best in your process, and thanks for sharing!
what a great resource!
Thank you, Melissa. So glad it is helpful to you!