The loss of a client to suicide is devastating. If as a therapist you experience this tragic loss, you may go through the familiar questions that beleaguer all suicide survivors. Could I have done something differently? Why couldn’t I prevent their suicide?
There is another question for mental health professionals that is not talked about as much: Should I go to the funeral?
The answer to this question may seem obvious to some, in either direction. Possible answers are:
Yes – of course. You cared deeply about the client. You are grieving, too. Going to the funeral would be a way to honor the client, provide support to the family, and have a ritual for your own healing process.
No – of course not. You would be unwelcome, trespassing on the vast terrain of the family’s grief. They may even fault you for not preventing the suicide. Your appearance at the funeral could be a cruel reminder of the unmet hopes that they had for their loved one’s recovery.
It depends. It depends on whether the family invites you, on whether the family harbors anger toward you, on whether your going to the funeral would help or hurt the family. Yes, attending the funeral could help you, but your needs are secondary to those who may not want you to be there.
I will talk more about the possible paths to take, but first, some background.
How Many Therapists Go to the Funeral after a Client’s Suicide?
Only a small number of therapists go to the funeral of a client who dies by suicide. In a study of 159 therapists who experienced a client suicide, 31% (50) went to the funeral.
That number was even smaller among psychiatrists in another study. Of 136 psychiatrists with a client who had died by suicide, only 18% (24) attended the funeral.
Do Suicide Loss Survivors Want the Therapist at the Funeral?
One study surveyed 71 survivors of suicide loss. In the cases where the therapist did not attend the funeral, 44% of survivors wanted the therapist to be there. (About 22% explicitly invited their loved one’s therapist to the funeral, but the study does not say how many attended.)
So, in that study at least, many families welcomed, or would have welcomed, the therapist’s presence at the funeral. However, it is worth noting that anywhere from one third to roughly one half of suicide loss survivors (the study is unclear) did not want the therapist present.
The study also found different results based on the suicide loss survivors’ attitudes toward the clinician. Survivors considering a malpractice lawsuit against the therapist were less likely to want the therapist at the funeral.
Therapists’ Fears of Being Sued After a Client’s Suicide
Just last week, I spoke with a mental health professional who worked at an agency that recently lost a client to suicide. Lawyers with the agency advised clinicians not to have any contact with the surviving family. This included advice to avoid the funeral. The lawyers said it could make the clinicians more vulnerable to being sued.
At the same time, some experts believe that communicating with the family and attending a client’s funeral actually can protect clinicians from being sued. Your presence at the funeral sends the message that you cared about the client, that you are human, that you grieve, too.
Should You Attend the Funeral of a Client who Died by Suicide?
To guide your decision-making, consider these questions:
Has the family invited you to attend?
If not, have you approached them for information about the funeral? What were their reactions? Be careful to ask in such a way that the family does not feel obligated or pressured to invite you. One group of experts recommends putting the question this way:
“If it would help you at all, I would be more than willing to attend the funeral – however, if that does not feel right, that would be fine as well.”
Did the client have very poor relationships with his or her family? If so, then you might be perceived as an enemy. Again, follow the family’s cue.
Do you feel strong enough to provide support to the family? You should not place the family in a situation of feeling that they need to take care of you.
Parting Words: First, Do No Harm
Each situation is unique. In deciding whether to attend the funeral of a client who died by suicide, you must place the family’s needs and wishes before your own.
If there are signs that your presence would hurt, then it may be wise to stay home. Otherwise, with sensitivity and authenticity, your presence at the funeral may help both the family and yourself.
Questions for You
If you are a therapist who has experienced the suicide of a client, did you attend the funeral? Why or why not?
If you are the survivor of a loved one’s suicide, would you have wanted your family member’s therapist present at the funeral? Why or why not?
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© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
What does it mean to have family or friends desire your presence at the funeral? I attend funerals when I know the deceased or their family. I can think of plenty of people that would feel entitled to attend my funeral, mostly for their own selfish reasons. Ideally the security staff would check the “list” and ban them as they would specifically be denied entry.
Actually I would prefer to be sewn in my hammock and unceremoniously tipped over the side. Or just be mixed in with the compost. Maybe someone would finally be pleased with something I’d done.
But also we need to be asking should therapists attend the funeral of a client who dies from old age, or heart attack, or gets killed in a car accident, etc
Anonymous,
Excellent point! A client who dies by suicide brings added issues, because surviving family and friends might hold feelings of anger and blame toward the therapist that aren’t present when a client dies from another cause. But some other issues, such as preserving confidentiality, are common to any death of a client.
Thanks for sharing!
Isn’t it interesting how you received comments from suicidal individuals? In my suicide note I would absolutely ask that my therapist be at my funeral. In fact, he’d be the last person I’d want to talk with on the phone before I leave this world.
As a participant of therapy for over 7 years, 3 x a week with my first therapist – I would absolutely want her at my funeral – she was the first person to truly ‘see’ me. I felt loved, accepted and truly cared for. If we still lived in the same country, I would feel hurt if she didn’t attend.
As a therapist, I truly love and care for my clients – many of who have troubled relationships with their families. I found this article interesting, the focus on the families’ needs – this has often been the case in the clients’ lives. It got me to thinking about having a conversation with clients about what THEIR wishes are.
I’ve attempted suicide 4 times in the last 3 years. The last time almost a month ago. This last time was different because it wasn’t an impulsive act, I had planned it. Since then I’ve obviously thought about it constantly and I need to figure out how to be successful. I’ve been wondering how it will realistically affect people who know me. That’s how I came across this article, I was specifically thinking about how will my therapist feel when it happens? I don’t know if it’s a weird thing to think, but I would want my therapist there. He’s honestly probably the only person who knows this side of me, therefore he knows me best out of anyone in my life. I certainly don’t want anyone to hurt by my death but I’m curious who it would realistically affect.
I don’t know you, but I hope you’re still with us. I realize this comment is 6 years old, but as a therapist who just lost a very dear client to suicide, my grief has been immense, and very real. I’m attending her funeral tomorrow, but am worried about how to respond if approached by other mourners.
I lost both my Dad and my GrandDad to suicide. Neither of them were ever in therapy as their generations just didn’t really believe in it. I wish they had been. If they had been seeing a therapist, I would have more than welcomed them at the funerals. After my Dad’s suicide, I spent several years in therapy for suicidal thoughts myself. My therapist is one of the main reasons I am still here. She was wonderful and I thank God for her and her insight. If, however, I had succeeded and taken my life I would have wanted her to be at my service. I also know that she would have been more than welcome by my family and friends. They all know how hard she worked with me and how much she gave of herself to her work.
Hello Donna,
You have been through an enormous amount, losing both your dad and grandfather to suicide and then surviving your own suicidal thoughts. Thank you for sharing your experiences. I think they will be inspiring to others who suffer, and your insights will help, too.
I started therapy because I was extremely suicidal. One of the things that kept me from it after I started was how it would effect my therapist.
I actually have an email typed out saying that I would want him to be there. My relationship with my family is not healthy and in fact I no longer keep contact with them. I said in the email that he can just tell family that he was a friend. They don’t know me enough to know the difference anyway, but my church family knows I’ve been struggling (even paid for my therapy in the beginning) and he had my permission to be completely honest with them.
It’s that odd?
My late husband’s therapist attended his visiting at the funeral home. I didn’t care at the time. It was a blur. I know some family members were ok with it, others walked away and couldn’t even speak to her. In hindsight, I think it was a little presumptuous for her to think she might be welcomed there. She had repeatedly assured us that he was not suicidal. I can appreciate her error, as mental illness is so complicated, but I think I would have preferred a note of condolence instead.
Sonya, I’m very sorry about the loss of your husband. The situation you describe shows just how ambiguous these situations can be. Some family members may object, while others may be okay with the therapist being at the funeral. I wonder in your case if the therapist just showed up or if she had touched base with some family beforehand. Certainly a note of condolence would be less intrusive, although in other contexts it may be seen as not enough. Context is everything in these situations. Thanks for sharing your perspective! It is very helpful.