I cannot pretend to understand your situation. You are a stranger, first of all, and everybody’s story is unique. So I’ll refrain from the clichés: “It’ll get better.” “This too shall pass.” “You are a good person and deserve to live.” Those statements may well be true, and I hope you will consider them. But if they were enough, nobody would die by suicide.
Instead of giving you superficial reassurance, I am going to ask you some important questions. I invite you to consider them thoughtfully, and to sit with your answers. They may surprise you.
Have You Tried Everything that Might Help Ease Your Suicidal Despair?
You obviously feel tremendous pain, hopelessness, or other problems that are causing you to want to die. Have you tried out everything possible to alleviate those problems?
If you are depressed, have you tried every different type of antidepressant medication out there? (At last count, there were 30). Even if a few types of antidepressants haven’t worked for you, that doesn’t mean that none of them will.
Have you tried therapy? Research indicates that various therapies, such as cognitive behavioral therapy, dialectical behavior therapy, and CAMS (the Collaborative Assessment and Management of Suicidality) can help to reduce suicidal danger in people with suicidal thoughts, and to help them feel better, too.
Have you increased your exercise? Exercise can be as effective as antidepressants in relieving depression, and it helps reduce anxiety, too.
How about self-help – have you tried that? Two excellent books for people with suicidal thoughts are Choosing to Live: How to Defeat Suicide Through Cognitive Therapy, and The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook: CBT Skills to Reduce Emotional Pain, Increase Hope, and Prevent Suicide. (Yes, it’s true, you really ought to get professional help for suicidal thoughts. These books are a good complement to therapy, or you can use them on your own.)
If you are experiencing a life situation with devastating consequences – perhaps you are being bullied or facing prison time – can you consider the possibility that the situation may change, or, as in the case of prison, that it may become more bearable in time?
If you are hearing voices telling you to kill yourself – perhaps the voices say that you are a bad person or that you do not deserve to live – can you consider that the voices simply are wrong? Can you talk back to the voices? Have you tried every type of antipsychotic medication there is? (There are at least 18, not including mood stabilizers.) Might the voices come to a stop, or change what they tell you, or become less believable with time?
Similarly, if you are plagued with thoughts of worthlessness, hopelessness or unlovability, can you entertain the possibility that those thoughts are not true? You do not need to believe everything that you think or feel. I have heard the saying before (though I forget where) that many people have a prosecutor residing in their head, and they lack a defense attorney. You can learn to defend yourself against self-condemning thoughts and to feel better about yourself and your life again. (Cognitive behavioral therapy especially helps with these types of problems.)
Whatever you are dealing with, can you consider that you still can craft a purpose for yourself in life in the months and years to come, whatever that purpose may be?
What Would You Say to a Suicidal Person in Your Situation?
Think of everything that is going wrong in your life. Think of all the reasons you have for dying by suicide.
Now imagine that someone you care about very much came to you with the same problems, the same reasons, the same desires to die. What would you tell them?
Would you say to this person you care about, “You’re right, you should kill yourself”? If not, why?
What Are Your Reasons for Living? (Or What Were They?)
Something has kept you alive this long. What has kept you going?
What have you lived for in the past? Is it possible that you will want to live for those same things again in the future, if this crisis passes?
Here are common reasons for staying alive that people provided in a study by Marsha Linehan and colleagues:
- Attitudes toward life, survival, and coping (for example, a belief that things can change for the better)
- Responsibility to family
- Concerns for children
- Fears about suicide (for examples, fears of death, of suffering injuries from the attempt, of feeling tremendous physical pain, of doing violence to oneself)
- Fear of social disapproval
- Moral objections (like thinking suicide is morally wrong, or believing people who die by suicide go to hell)
Other reasons might include pets, dreams of traveling, love of the mountains – you name it. Whatever keeps you here may well be worth staying for.
Do any of the above reasons apply to you? If not, could they in the future?
What Do You Hope for in Life?
The antidote to suicidal thoughts is hope, and conversely, hopelessness is their accomplice.
What do you hope for yourself for the future? What can you do to help you survive long enough for those hopes to be realized?
Are there things you hope for immediately, like a chocolate bar, a good night’s rest, a day off from work? What are the little things that you hope for that might not be getting your attention during this time of crisis?
Have you lost all hope? If so, think back on what gave you hope in the past. When did those things stop fueling your hope? Could they again?
Maybe you are thinking “Things will never get better” or “I have nothing to live for. ” Can you be certain your thoughts are correct? More to the point, even though it is painful to have such thoughts, is it possible you are wrong?
Remember, some conditions – like extreme stress, or depression – can cloud a person’s thinking, making hope invisible. People with these conditions may be unable to remember the good things in their life and unable to tap into the good things that may come. But hope does not really die. It just hides. Even amid a terrible storm in the head, it is still there behind the clouds, just like the sun.
Does It Help You to Think of Suicide’s Effects on Other People?
I would like to ask you to think of people who would suffer from your death. But I know that thinking of other people can be very complicated.
Some people with suicidal thoughts are angry at those they believe have failed them. They may feel, often rightly so, that their suicide will cause guilt in those they left behind, and for a small number of suicidal people, this may be a fate that they welcome. In this context, suicide takes on a vengeful quality, whether that is the primary purpose or a byproduct of suicide.
Other people may feel convinced that they are a burden on their loved ones, and that their suicide would be a way to spare their family and friends. Even more common, perhaps, are the people who are suicidal precisely because they believe that no one who cares.
I also know that when the pain and desperation become excruciating for a person considering suicide, the love and support of others becomes only a small solace. Even parents of young children die by suicide, not because they do not love their children and not because they disregard the pain it will inflict on their children. No, for many people who are suicidal, their pain is so great that they desperately want to escape it. Even though they know their death will bring great pain to those left behind, a more frightening scenario for them is having to continue enduring their own suffering, day after day.
I recognize that sad reality. So the question of who your death will hurt might not be relevant to you. But if it is relevant, please do consider that those who care about you will be devastated.
Remember the saying: “To the world you may be only one person, but to one person you may be the world.”
To which people are you the world?
Whose world might you become in the future, whether or not you have met that person yet?
What people might you help one day, whether professionally or personally?
Who might you love? Who might love you?
These questions are unanswerable at the moment, of course, because you haven’t met some of these people. Remember that, please.
How You’ve Coped with Suffering and Despair in the Past?
Think of another time when you really struggled in life. Perhaps you did not think of suicide, but you felt extremely sad, or angry, or hopeless. How did you get through that? What helped you? Who helped you?
If you have ever experienced this kind of despair and suicidal thinking before, what stopped you from killing yourself then? What did you do, feel or think then that you might be able to repeat now?
Is It At All Possible that Your Suicidal Thoughts Will Go Away?
Can you know for certain that your problems will never improve, or that the pain they bring will never ease, or that you’ll never find meaning and purpose in your experience?
Even though it does not feel like it now, there is hope for change. The horrible situation you are in might get better, or it might become more bearable. The pain you feel may ebb, or you may develop techniques for coping with it. Hope may return. Goodness may come.
Consider that among people who survive a suicide attempt, about 90% do not eventually die by suicide. Even these people who made the decision to die find reasons to live again.
Can you know for certain that you won’t rediscover reasons for living, or reconnect with those that already exist? Maybe not now, but there may well come a time when you look back on your suicidal state of mind and are glad that you did not die.
There is a good saying: Don’t quit five minutes before your miracle.
Similarly, I have a piece of artwork on my wall that says, Any moment can change your life. You just have to be there.
And also, this refrigerator magnet in my kitchen: We are unaware of what sweet miracles may come.
These sentiments apply to you, too. They apply to everyone.
Finally, What If You Survive a Suicide Attempt with Serious Injuries?
This is a tough question to ask, and even tougher to answer. Consider that you might survive your suicide attempt. Would the injuries you inflicted on yourself make your problems even worse?
You could suffer permanent injuries from jumping, trying to hang yourself, or doing other bodily injury to yourself. Consider what happened to Kristin Jane Anderson, who attempted suicide by lying down on railroad tracks when a train approached. She lost both her legs. (See her excellent, inspirational book, Life, In Spite of Me, about rediscovering hope and purpose in life in the years that followed.)
If you shoot yourself, you may still survive. Some people who shoot themselves do permanent damage to their face, experience severe brain damage, or become paralyzed. In another book by an attempt survivor, David Wermuth describes the ordeal of becoming blind from shooting himself in the head.
Some people who survive an overdose damage their kidneys or liver in the process. A transplant is sometimes necessary. Some others suffer permanent brain damage.
I said this is a tough question to ask, because I do not want to challenge you to come up with a foolproof method for killing yourself. Instead, I want you to consider that things don’t always go as planned. Whatever problems you struggle with now could be made even worse with a suicide attempt.
Suicidal Thoughts Are a Symptom
Many people think of suicide from time to time. The philosopher Camus noted, “There is but one truly serious philosophical problem and that is suicide.” The philosopher Nietzsche said, “The thought of suicide is a great consolation: by means of it one gets through many a dark night.”
To seriously consider suicide is a sign that something is wrong. Our natural instinct in life is to survive. People endure unimaginable horrors in order to stay alive – as just one example, consider the man who cut his arm off with a pocket knife in order to liberate his body from a boulder, having been trapped beneath it for five days and seven hours.
If your instinct to survive has become weakened, it’s a sign that you need help. Please seek that help, whether from a trusted friend or family member, clergy, physician, therapist, or some other supports you have.
What can you do now, right now, to help yourself or to let someone help you?
Resources for People with Suicidal Thoughts
For a list of resources you can contact immediately, via hotlines, text, or online, click here.
© Copyright 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Updated Dec. 23, 2021. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com
I am not happy and wish I was never born.
I want to sleep forever ,
I found this blog to be really helpful in expanding one’s thought process, providing the right framework for us to think if we ever feel depressed and suicidal. Given the recent suicide count statistics for suicides around the world, it is high time we spread awareness about suicide and its prevention measures.
I am ten years old and I feel like I want to kill myself it’s hard being me I sometimes wish I was never born and I don’t want to tell my parents I feel helpless and depressed all the time but I am always pretending to be happy what should I do
To “I am…”,
I’m sorry you’re hurting so badly! So young, and so much pain.😢
May I ask, why don’t you want to tell your parents? I know it can be scary but they also could find you help so you could feel better.
Whatever you do, please at least tell someone! If not your parents, you could tell a teacher or a friend’s mom or dad or a sibling or neighbor or another relative. Keeping these thoughts secret allows them to fester unchecked; your mind is telling you mean things about yourself, and you need to hear the good things that, for whatever reason, you’re not seeing right now.
You can also contact a hotline, textline, or other places for free. In the U.S. you can call 988 or text 741741. I also list resources at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp .
Please take care of yourself!
I dont know your personal circumstances but I lived in a house where when I finally did ask to see a therapist I was told No. It was house of secrets. I wish I had looked or known to look outside of my house, to asking someone at school, a teacher, guidance counselor that I felt I could trust. I hope there is someone you feel is trustworthy enough you can share with them how you feel.
The idea that “it will get better” or “things will change” might help some. But me? No. It will not get better or change. I was born autistic and I will die autistic. Nothing I have tried in almost half a century has changed the fact that no one wants me, that I will never understand people and people will never want to try to understand me. I will always have CPTSD & CEN and it will forever color my view of the world. And because I was born in this country, I will never be able to afford the therapy and assistance I so desperately need. I do my best to stick around, but there’s less and less connecting me to life as the years march on. I wish it were different, but that is the lotto that I guess some god decided to give me. That god decided to withhold the reason, so there’s nothing helpful to go on.
There are ways to get counseling/therapy at low cost to sometimes no cost. If you havent you can call your county and they can get you in touch with someone or google it. I hope you do look for some that you can can get at a cost you can afford (which includes no cost)
“The literal meaning of life is whatever you’re doing that prevents you from killing yourself.” —Albert Camus
great quote but for me what is preventing me is fear that I will fail and have outcome that makes me further disabled
Lee,
That fear stops a lot of people. That, and a fear of going to hell.
You might appreciate this poem by Dorothy Parker. It’s funny, but it’s also true:
Razors pain you;
Rivers are damp;
Acids stain you;
And drugs cause cramp.
Guns aren’t lawful;
Nooses give;
Gas smells awful;
You might as well live.
(Well, it’s not entirely true, because in the U.S. guns are lawful, which is why we have such a large number of gun deaths every year. If she were around to rewrite the poem today, she’d have to come up with a witty way to work in that even people who shoot themselves sometimes survive, usually with permanent injuries, sadly.)
Lately I’ve been feeling the best I’ve felt in years. Nothing much has changed besides realizing how close I’ve come to losing my spouse and high school sweetheart.
While waiting in my car at a stop sign a homeless or barely housed man pushing his bicycle up the icy hill crossed in front of me. I’d guess his age between 60 and 100 street years old. He had a large and awkward plastic bag filled with beverage containers he’d spent all day collecting to return for the deposit. I guessed about eight or ten dollars worth. It was cold, like kill you cold, with snow and a windchill that equated to minus 25C. After admitting to myself, deep admiration for this fellow I could only wonder why he had a stronger urge to live than I did.
He’d obviously had far more difficult challenges in life than I could ever imagine. And as he gets older riding a bike and collecting bottles will only become more difficult. Until his body gives out completely. Comparatively my life has been one of ease. Maybe it’s the nature of our challenges. His are ones of meeting immediate physical needs. Exclusive of any addictions he might have. Whereas mine have been more temporal but much less easily mastered. Usually involving satisfying the emotional needs of others. A target much more difficult to acquire.
I am feeling so very desperate. As others have said, the fear that I won’t succeed keeps me from taking action. I am totally alone in the world, and in chronic pain. No therapist will see me in person because I can’t mask due to my facial pain disorder. I don’t have a web camera or other way to do visual telehealth. I have been offered therapy by phone but I want to see the person in person, They can size me up and I them, but no one will do this.
The one relative who talks to me will take a few hours to visit with me when he comes home for the holidays so twice a year, he also comes in the summer when he has time off (and some years 3 times/yr) so that is my holiday. The others abandoned me years ago and despite 14 brain surgeries against my facial pain disorder still tell people I am a lazy malinger hypochondriac,.
As an older person, my financial situation is not terrible but a plumbing issue is going to cost me about 25,000 once it is finished and then financially when something happens to me, I will have to go to the state, which could mean a state facility. The present and future is bleak (and that’s optimistic). Some folks go to Belgium, etc where physician-assisted suicide is permitted but the cost is prohibitive and I don’t want to leave America. Da*ned if you do da*ned if you don’t Thank you Stacey for this space to say what I can’t say elsewhere (and have no one to whom I can say it)
No one sees what I want to do
I may be misinterpreting what you’re saying, (it is a wonderful sentence) My understanding is no one can see the idea of suicide in your mind and the plan(s) you have been considering. That is one of the things with thinking of acting. You aren’t “permitted” to talk about suicide. people don’t want to hear it and there is fear if you have a therapist that they may try to take away your freedom. (My understanding is that is very very rare and only if the threat seems imminent) I am sorry you are in such pain.
I read this and it reasonates. Feeling so incredibly hopeless yet I can’t believe no one else can see my desperation.
When I read this article, aloud to myself …All I continue to correct is the word living (as it relates to me)..I immediately correct it within myself & use the word ” existing,..as that is what I feel daily & have…for Years and years ….After 30 med. over 30 yrs Counseling, two rounds of 36 treatment TMS, etc. I am So So weary & merely exist. I also feel shame at myself, within for not being able to make progress, which I now define as waking in the morning & saying “thank you God for another Day of life.” This is my dream, to utter these words to myself & to believe & FEEL if only briefly Feel them….not think, but feel….I have left no stone unturned & have Been a fearless fighter. Finding a Support System, that is authentic & “gets it”, has been a struggle though. I am desperate to embrace the simple things in life…to smile at a butterfly, & to feel its presence, is my dream. To feel, & to find anyone, someone who can be a support person, & May say words like “To feel is real… Just be You,!”!( minus judgement, advice, dismissal, intolerance ,and lack of acceptance) My butterfly thoughts are …..Beautiful thoughts, A dream & not a present nor past reality. Thank you, for your site & words, Stacey.
Christal I have just finished reading your comments and I can’t believe the similarities of my own experience. You have captured my own story without the TMS and very early on I found that I cannot tolerate any of the meds they prescribed as they only heightened the desire to commit suicide. I have been battling depression for over 50 years but only diagnosed since 2010. I, also, am looking for that perfect support system I need to keep me going. I hope and pray you find yours…..perhaps one day I will find mine.
Surviving or merely existing…Thank you for sharing this. I relate 100%
I’m also feeling like I wish I were never born.
I can’t bring myself to get a gun and do it. The genetic will to live is too strong and actually putting a gun to my head is horrifying.
But life has nothing to offer me now. I’m just wasting time. So what do I do? Can’t live, too scared to die.
Scott,
I think you’re experiencing the ambivalence that many people with suicidal thoughts do, and that you summed up so well: “Can’t live, too scared to die.” That fear is valid! You asked what do you do, and that makes me wonder if you’re getting help. Treatments like psychotherapy and medication help a lot of people with suicidal thoughts not only to stay alive, but to feel better. Even just talking with a good listener helps some people to feel understood and to see other alternatives. So, my recommendation is to get professional help if you haven’t already, and/or to use the free resources listed on the Resource page here.
Thanks for sharing, and I hope life has something to offer you again, and soon.
Person on line once told me i should commit suicide! little did she know how many times and failed! still time would be SO GREAT TO BE WITH MY FAMILY and make other people happy
I’ve been thinking of taking my life almost constantly for awhile now. A year and a half ago I was raped, choked, and nearly beat to death. Took me two weeks to report it which led to him getting away with it. I’ve lost everything because of what happened. My job, savings, sense of security and safety, I lost it all. Now I live out of a duffel bag. My fear of people has led to nearly total isolation from the rest of the world. Due to the trauma I endured, so I’ve been told, I now hear voices and am so paranoid and terrified of other people to the point of hiding at my father’s house just so I can feel somewhat safe. Can’t work..too consumed by the trauma and paranoia. I take medications but they are at best a band-aid. See a therapist but do everything possible to avoid/change the subject when the assault is the topic. I spend many days and nights wishing he would have killed me instead of forcing me to deal with everything. I see no future for myself. I cannot see what the tomorrows may bring. All I see is a black empty space when I try to think of better days. I can’t stand what my life has become and know I’m too weak to change it. It’s like I’m lying to myself everyday, pretending like I exist. I already feel as if I don’t exist anymore, sort of like this is all a dream that I’m not allowed to wake up from. Do I feel hope for myself? No, sadly I don’t. Just empty.
I hear you. I feel exactly the same way. Cancer took literally everything from me. Everything I hold dear. Now I’m alone and nobody gives a shit. And that’s how it’s going to be for the next 20 or so years until I die.
Oh well. I can’t bring myself to pull the trigger because I’m too much of a coward. Guess I’ll just hang around like a cobweb in a windowsill
Michelle,
You communicated very powerfully the intense pain you’re experiencing. I hurt for you as I read your words. The trauma you experienced is so painful and unfair, and the aftermath is, too. I used to work at a rape crisis center, and we were taught to respect the client’s autonomy to talk (or not talk) about what happened at their own pace. People who have gone through trauma need to feel in control where they can. At the same time, sometimes people over-control things to the point where they no longer feel alive. Or their efforts at control make the feelings and memories they’re trying to suppress even stronger, sort of like ignoring a stranger at the door who keeps knocking louder and louder and finally kicks the door in. In either case, talking even just a little with your therapist about your trauma – or, at least, your reluctance to talk about your trauma – might be helpful to you.
Also, I wonder if you’ve considered a support group for people who have been raped? For some people, it helps to connect with others who have gone through something similar, though it’s not helpful for everyone. You can find out about support groups and other possible resources by calling the National Sexual Assault Hotline at 800-656-4673 (HOPE), or by visiting their website at http://www.rainn.org/. The website also has a way to chat with someone online.
You’re living in a place of intense darkness, and there is light out there, even if you can’t see it right now. I hope you’ll be able to see it again in the future; I hope you experience relief, and hope, and healing soon. Thank you for sharing here.
This is probably the only place I could say this and be allowed to say it. So Thank you, Stacey.
I have what I believe is a way but then I read all articles like this and worry I won’t be successful. Many years ago I was told by the head judge of the Maryland Court that “suicide is acceptable in your case” (I was at a pain clinic and said if I cant get the pain under control I will suicide, the doctor threatened to commit me if I wouldn’t go to psych hospital voluntarily. He then called the Court to find out if they would go through with a commitment and because of the physical pain I was in they told him “No.”)
I am totally alone. I have a friend in Fla and one in Az and a nephew in texas. and that is it. I am mostly housebound because of either the pain or not wanting to go out and trigger the pain, I believe suicide is still acceptable in my case and when this is the situation there should be a medical way to help us so we don’t end up paralyzed, in coma, brain damaged, etc. I want to take the pills I have but I am afraid. I cant afford to be in an even worse situation then I am. Thank you Stacey for providing this safe space for us.
Lee, so sorry for what you have to endure. I find myself in a similar spot, although you couldn’t tell by looking at me that I’ve been in constant, significant pain from Transverse Myelitis and CIS for almost 18 years. I’ve tried everything I know to try, but the pain won’t go away. I consider suicide in my case the rational choice, and I’ll probably be forced to make that choice in the next few years. All the best to you, and every one of us
Hi John, thanks for taking the time to reply. Im sorry you are in a similar situation, there should be a way for us to “exit” when we are in unending pain that is not ‘fixable’
Lee,
Thanks for your comment, and for your thanks. I’m grateful this site is helpful to you in some way. I can see in your words how much pain you’re in, while also feeling afraid of trying to die and ending up in even worse shape. I just learned of a book that might or might not be helpful to you. I haven’t read it myself so I don’t know, but it’s on topic: The Inevitable: Dispatches on the Right to Die, by Katie Engelhart. It came out in 2021. If you read it and want to share your impressions here, please do! You could submit a comment or, if you’re interested, email me at speakingofsuicide@gmail.com about possibly writing a guest post. Anyway, thanks again for sharing!
Thanks Stacey. I just ordered the book. (It’s interesting I read the free preview and have to say it may be in the book but I have known of folks who were “snowed” by the docs to hasten their deaths (they were in terrible pain, had cancer and been through H*ll to try and cure it to no avail). Thank goodness for the nurses and docs who do that, who understand why there is a need for it. But then as a number of the folks here tell of their chronic pain situations, there should also be such a way out for us as long as it is “rational” suicide.
Lee,
I’ll be curious to learn your impressions, if you care to share. 🙂 But first, a question: What do you mean by “snowed”? I thought maybe you meant the doctors and nurses tricked or convinced them, but that doesn’t seem consistent with the rest of what you wrote. (It’s Friday, and I’m still working, so my brain is tired.)
cant reply right under your reply. Used to work in a hospital (just an er clerk and forget what is a common expression to me is probably not to the outside medical community ((*_*)) snowed means to give med like morphine and give it the doses more closely together, say every 3 hours or two) so that the patient dies. To my mind it is a mitzvah.
Lee,
That makes much more sense than my understanding of the term “snowed”! I was thinking of it in the context of this dictionary definition: “To snow: US and Canadian slang. to deceive or overwhelm with elaborate often insincere talk.” Thank you for clarifying.
oh dear, I can see why it would make no sense. ((*_*)) (or be done by really terrible people masquerading as healers)
Thanks to both you and Stacey for this conversation and the book recommendation. I’ve tried to have the conversation about “rational” suicide with many folks, largely to no avail. I will be ordering the book. All the best to you, and every one of us
Thank you for this article. It’s one of the most concise and thorough and realist I’ve read. And I’ve read many. I have been feeling suicidal for many months now.. due to a failed marriage. I am a family oriented person, conservative Catholic and the thought of a broken family is too much to bear. We have two beautiful children and it pains me that we are all not together. My husband had a few “flings” and when I found out I was traumatized and ran to an attorney, who took advantage of my emotional state and everything unraveled. I should have addressed the red flags throughout the years that led up to finding the evidence but I was too scared, insecure… I failed to communicate. And I feel like a failure.
Ann,
Those feelings of regret and being a failure are so painful. Are you getting any help? It’s a lot to bear alone. You’re grieving the loss of your marriage and also, it sounds like, caught in a shame spiral. While this loss would be painful no matter what, it doesn’t have to be *this* painful. Please do consider seeing a therapist or checking out the resources listed at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp. And thanks for sharing here.
How do you stay positive in a world that sets the Majority of people up for hardship starvation and homelessness when you work every day and still can’t afford to pay your bills inflation has drove up the price of rent food transportation childcare cost for the average person salary has not gone up at all I don’t know about most people but I can’t wait to leave this world
I am suicidal . I do appreciate the article I just read attempting to give an alternative
I wish to say thank U for the effort .
David,
You’re welcome, and thank you, too. I appreciate your comment!
I hope that you’re able to get out of this suicidal crisis alive and to feel better soon.
I am also feeling hopeless and suicidal. A failed marriage that could have been saved… family means everything to me and I lost mine.
Help
Anonymous,
This site is for information only. For help, please call 800-273-8255 or check out other resources I’ve put together where you can get help by phone, chat, email, or text. I wish you the best!
My situation is hopeless. The docs have only one surgery left to offer me against my chronic debilitating disabling facial pain disorder. It is called “cingulotomy” essentially a mini lobotomy the outcome of which is supposed to be “you will still have your pain, you just wont care that you do.” That is not an option (plus unknown risks and no long term data as it is only done normally on those with cancer and expected survival of a year or less. All that is stopping me is the fear that something will go wrong. I am alone in the world. I have 2 friends in states across the country and a nephew also across the country. I have no one here. because of the pain, started 40 years ago (and have had 15 brain surgeries along the way to address it, one stopped pain which came back 3 months later, some of the others helped slightly then failed, some didn’t work and some made me worse. There is no hope. There is no one to worry about hurting. the 2 friends and I email daily/messenger but never talk about about “important” things. They are not that kind of relationships. The same is true with my nephew who came to know me when he was an adult. The normal life reasons are not there for me. It is truly only the fear I will wake with worse damage then my current situation that keep me from taking action. I hope I can get past the fear.
Hey. What happened? How are you now?
Nothing has changed. Thanks. Not much that can. ):
It sucks that you are such pain. Many of us suffer chronic pain
I know pain is subjective it’s not the same , lmagine the feeling of electric shocks going through your body everyday. Trying to walk going to work because you have a family to support . Find support groups do what you have to do. To physically ease the pain, Are you able to walk . Are you limited using an assistive waking devices. Such as a Walker or wheel chair. Please tell me your story . I will listen teach me how to cope with hardship .
Thanks. I have trigeminal neuralgia a severe facial pain disorder and “phantom pain” as a result of surgical “misadventures” I cant tolerate any touch to the affected side of my face and in my case it affects my eye so that using the eye to read type, anything that requires consistent eye movement for more then 10 – 20 minutes causes severe pain. My body thankfully works fine but the facial and eye pain have kept me disabled for over 40 yrs. You sound as if you have pain also. I do have an FB group for women in pain (all who apply need to have a diagnosed chronic pain disorder) I am not sure if Stacey allows the click though.
Lee,
I’m sorry you experience so much pain. That’s nice of you to reach out to Rebecca about her pain. You’re welcome to include the link to your FB site in a comment here, if you wish.
Thanks Stacey (no reply click at your comment.)
Rebecca, this is the link for our women in pain awareness group on FB https://www.facebook.com/groups/111961795481256. There are also many other chronic pain groups on FB as well. Hope this is of some help
The first facial pain take. Indomethacin
It’s @ miracle.
Drs don’t know why it works but it does .
I have used for years and it works
Please use
John gowan
you’ve never been suicidal have you?
Jason,
Thanks for asking. For many years, I kept my suicidal past secret. I feared stigma and judgment. Then I discovered that people judged me for not (they assumed) having been suicidal. They tended to think, or imply, that I have no authority to write about suicide if I myself haven’t been suicidal.
That’s one reason I decided to stop hiding that I’ve thought about and attempted suicide. I encourage you to check out my essay for The New York Times, A Suicide Therapist’s Secret Past, as well as my essay on this website, Why I Came Out of the (Suicide) Closet.
Thanks for your comment, and for giving me this opportunity to clarify.
What if going away no longer scares you and you feel peace thinking about it?
Going through life now and when I look at the problems in front of me I feel relieved that death is coming my way. I’m 21, and I have been working my entire life to support my family. I don’t have a life besides paying for expensive schools for my siblings or paying off check after check for my brother. My family is superficial and my mom is fragile, I don’t share any of this with them. I was planning for months to move out but I just got slapped in the face with another check. I don’t know life or enjoyment, I don’t have any friends, first it was by choice but now I have no one to talk to about anything I just keep things to myself. I’m giving up my own education to support them. I’m so tired everyday. Mentally and physically. I feel like if I died I’ll be in peace.
MC,
I’m sorry you’re hurting so much and are so drained by others. So much of your pain right now seems bound up in your situation. Yet your situation can change. It’s possible to move out at another time, or for your situation to change in other ways. I hope you will talk with someone about how you’re feeling, so that you’re not alone with these thoughts and feeling and so they can help you see you may have options that you don’t recognize. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255 and the Crisis Text Line at 741741 are good places to start. I also list other resources at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Thanks for sharing here. May you feel peace soon … while staying alive.
MC
I relate to your story, the part of having no friends, at first ,by choice, then as time passes, really having no friends…I am so uncomfortable with other people. It’s why I dont want to be in this world anymore…no woman, that I’m attracted to would want me…please just take me God, so I dont have to do it and be sent to hell
I can relate to this to. I’m convinced I’ll always be alone. I decided to take a risk and join a dating site. I paid for a full membership but I’m thinking about taking down my profile. So far I’ve been rejected twice and it doesn’t feel good. The truth is I’ve always experienced rejection. I already feel bad enough as it is without the added pain of constant rejection. Honestly I can’t wait until my life comes to an end. This world is horrible.
Scott
Sorry you’re in this same place…what is your thoughts on what happens after you commit suicide…do you visit hell, or stay there……or…is it going to be peaceful?….anyway I had a rough day…the breakup of me and girlfriend, is hurting so bad…I think of her happy with another guy…OMG.. I hate it…I hate me for being so adverse to being around people…
True. It is. Dating sites are just a harsh reminder of how fucked up things are.
I got sick of them and started just walking up to women I found attractive and tried to start up a polite conversation without being pushy. I was looked at like I was a pervert or a serial killer by most. All of them had their RBF, face in their phones, unapproachable demeanor. Oh well. Whatever. I’m just trying make a friend not wrestle them to the ground outside in the parking lot. But that’s the works now.
For as far back as I can remember, I have not wanted to be here. I can remember being a child of 6 or 7 and thinking that I did not belong in this world. I grew up in London in a ‘dysfunctional’ family. My dad was in and out of prison. When he was out of prison he was getting drunk and beating my mum. I am the youngest of 3 daughters. I honestly don’t know why I felt so sad all the time, because some of my friends had it far worse than me. For example, 2 sisters who I grew up with used to get regular beatings with a belt from their alcoholic dad and another friend of mine was used as a punch-bag by her alcoholic mum. In fact there were lots of kids on the estate where I grew up who had it far worse than me and yet I do not recall any of them being as sad and as hopeless as I always seemed to be. I was neither physically nor sexually abused, and yet I can now see when I look back on my childhood that I suffered from depression. Perhaps those other kids who I grew up with were just tougher and stronger than me……who knows? Of course I did have friends from ‘normal’ families. One friend in particular had a lovely family and I truly envied my friend. I so much wanted to be a part of that family. They were very nice to me and I remember that they took me on holiday with them a couple of times. Those two holidays were among the happiest memories I have and I often reminisce on those glimpses in to ‘normality’ that those wonderful people gave me. It made me realise how wonderful life can be when you have a mum and dad who genuinely love each other and when you have siblings who you get along with and care about. I’m not saying that I didn’t care about my 2 elder sisters but we weren’t close and I can now see that they were just as messed up emotionally as I was (and still am). I hope this doesn’t sound like a ‘poor-little-me’ post because I am honestly not looking for sympathy. I guess I am just wanting to get some things out of my system and if anyone is kind enough to take the time to read my story then I thank you from my heart. I am now in my mid 50s. I never got married and I never had children (I never wanted kids because I strongly felt that I did not want to bring a child in to this hellhole world……..I still believe I made the right decision). I had a few disastrous relationships, but at 50 years of age I met the man that I consider to be my soul mate. We have been together for 6 years. It hasn’t been perfect because he has deep rooted psychological issues just like I do, but I love him and I know he loves me too. He is dying. He doesn’t have long to live. We are both making the best of the time we have got left together. Of course the ‘S’ word keeps popping in to my consciousness……truth be told, it has never really gone away, but knowing that I am soon to lose the love of my life, I am again confronted with that thought that I want to ‘go home’. Lately I have been wondering: Are some people born with a pre-disposition to suicide? Is it possible that some of us are simply not meant to be here? I don’t know. So many questions, so few answers. Well, I have waffled on long enough. I’m not sure if my waffling has helped anyone, but it helped me some. Thank you.
I cannot help but reply to your comment, Lorraine. Especially where you say “I want to go home” because that is not only my exact sentiment, but also my exact words. I will only add how tired I have become because, like you, I have been fighting so long. I am 63 and have lost just about everything that would make a life worth living. My father died by suicide when I was 23, but long before that I had the same feeling of not really belonging in this world. Not long after my father died, I married one who I believed was my soul mate. After a still born, we raised three beautiful children. My oldest daughter abandoned us for no apparent reason over fifteen years ago. I haven’t heard from her since. My son took his own life at the age of 22 ten years ago. Since then, I have suffered debilitating illness, financial ruin, and finally my “soul mate” of 39 years suffered a complete mental collapse and tried to kill herself almost two years ago. She has since left me and gone across the country to live with our other daughter who blames me for everything and has severed all communication. I live alone and isolated and constantly suffer from guilt. You see, I am always trying to figure out what I have done that caused all this. I saw myself as a decent husband and father. I always worked and provided. I do not use drugs and quit drinking many years ago. I never beat my children or my wife. Yes, I guess I yelled a lot. My biggest fault is that I have always been sad and have felt like I just didn’t fit into this system of things. I am no stranger to suicide and have carried the burden for a long time, wondering if I chose this option how often it happens that three generations die by their own hand. I also wonder why I should care.
I also thought about this if some people are not meant to be here. If the suicide is their destiny, I know, it sounds silly (edgy), but when I think about my life then… I don’t want to be here, I am not happy with my life, I wish I lived in another, imaginary world where (almost) everything would be perfect. I hate that there is no justice in this world, that there are some things in which in we have no influence. These thoughts are like out of nowhere, but I had to write this… Just my complainings
I’m not contemplating suicide but I pray daily, actually beg daily for God to just please, please take me home. I am an intrusion, interference, burden and embarrassment to my grown children/daughter-in-laws. I only want to relieve myself and others of this terrible, terrible thing I have become. Due to health and financial issues I had to give up my home and now bounce from one child’s house to another. Is there any way to know when death will come?
How do you know you are a burden, embarrassment to your children? Is that how they feel or is that how you feel? Have you asked them or spoken with them about your situation? They may not feel the negative emotions you are imputing to them. I wish you well, It is a hard situation you are in. Have you asked the state for help? They can provide many services of which many of us are not aware.
“Nobody,”
How very painful. Is what you tell yourself about your children’s and in-laws’ views of you a belief or a known fact? If it’s a belief, it’s possible you are wrong. If it’s a known fact, perhaps there are other options for you, such as low-cost senior living. (I suspect, however, that it’s a belief.)
Do you have anybody to talk about how you’re feeling? Ideally, you’re able to talk with your children, but I also wonder if you receive any professional help. Your persistent wish to die and your feelings of worthlessness are symptoms of depression, which is a treatable illness. No, treatment won’t solve your health and financial issues but it can help you in other, important ways. Your primary care physician can give you more information.
Also, please consider calling the National Lifeline at 800-273-8255 or texting “start” to the Crisis Text Line at 741741. I also list other resources at speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Thank you for sharing here.
Well I’ve read all that, and am more convinced that taking my life is the only way out, I’ve had coxit pain for 5 months, can you imagine having toothache for 12 hours a day, I’ve told my surgeon, my doctors, nurses mental health team, I might as well have told the man in the moon, keep taking the pain killers, might as well take smarties
Hi, Steve. I just read your comment and I’m really sorry you’re in so much pain. I’m in a very similar situation. I was in a major highway pile-up years ago and since then my back has been pure agony. Then to travel to China, I got about 12 immunization updates all at once at my local health center. Within days I developed shingles so bad I was paralyzed on my right side and it felt like I was on fire whenever my skin was touched.
I’m not eliciting pity at all. Instead, I’ve come to accept this is my life b/c the medical and mental health communities not only CAN’T do anything that makes a difference to me, the person suffering, but also because I’ve very politely told them repeatedly that the meds they give me are not helping, I have been labeled “a trouble patient” and fired by three doctors who don’t want to be questioned by patients. That’s certainly their prerogative. What I don’t understand, though, is why we’re told there’s “always a solution,” but when the solution is for years and years NOT forthcoming, WE become the problem. Worse, even when we have been discarded from the health care system because we don’t respond to their limited treatments the way they expect, the only appropriate course of action is to keep being in pain so they can approve of our not having “given up.” No one has ever explained to me why all of this is “right.”
They aren’t living in our bodies or our minds. But they want the rights BOTH to discard us as “unpleasant” or “troublesome” for the mere crime of being honest that their interventions aren’t working (despite their being so certain they always have solutions) AND to deny us the freedom to leave.
I’ve been taking part at my state legislature in citizen efforts to expand conditions for which the law would allow assisted suicide. In frank testimony, several licensed psychologists have admitted they refuse to see certain types of patients (not just violent ones or ones who don’t/can’t pay, but also ones who suffer from conditions like borderline personality disorder…). Nearly every licensed psychologist in my county refuses to treat these patients. I assume it must be similar in surrounding counties which are quite distant and expensive for patients to travel to.
So there are clearly physical health (chronic pain…) and mental health (BPD…) patients the therapeutic community will not treat due to the difficulty of their states. Yet these patients who have nowhere to go are being told to suffer in silence and not inconvenience others. Because, ironically, “there are always solutions.”
How do educated professionals expect this to work out? How do they expect patients like me–like us–to simply sit in grave pain day after day for the rest of our lives? Did you know that according to the AMA the goal of pain management is NOT to decrease pain to the level a patient can tolerate but instead to manage it at a level the patient, even if still in pain, can keep working? We learned this from the testimony of a high ranking physician who works in our state government. Sounds like the way we (very sadly) treat labor animals like horses and mules. But then our society feigns shock that suicide rates are INCREASING despite all the “never right” messages. It’s bewildering.
I really hope something good will happen for you. I just wanted you to know someone else in a similar situation heard you and agrees with you. Peace.
I have chronic pain so I know the situation(s) you describe. There are a number of support groups on FB, for example, that are for folks in chronic pain. Maybe one could help. Getting support from others who have been there/currently dealing with it may be of help.
This free audiobook on You Tube may well help people considering suicide as an answer to their dilemma. The author has endured horrors almost beyond comprehension and provides a clear map through them that you can use yourself.
https://youtu.be/zF65lvwQPbw
Hi, Richard. Frankl’s work has been pretty well read in many US high schools and colleges for many years. I wonder if you’d mind sharing how you think this work provides a “clear map” for others? Thanks for elaborating, if you care to.
The truth of some people’s lives is that none of what you have listed is relevant or applicable. I am currently waiting on my 13th brain surgery for a severe chronic pain disorder that has left me disabled for 40+ years. My family, parents dead but even they only there for 1st three, thinks its all a joke, I’m a malingerer, lazy etc despite all the surgeries were done thru the same neurosurgery practice at a major well known teaching hospital (and the 3 out of state I was referred to by my neursosurgeons) These siblings have convinced their children via lies about me that I am someone with whom, absent one brave soul, is not worth having anything to do with so i will face number 13 as I have faced the last 9, totally and completely on my own. The friends that I have, 2 of them, live way out of state and we communicate almost exclusively by computer so in hospital I will not be able to “talk” with them, and honestly they are longterm friendships but we do not have the kind of relationships where we do talk to each other. Being disabled for so many years, did not enable me to be in a position to make friends. i have tried at the Y and 2 churches and was not successful. I ask people why, and even one of the ministers told me people like you you’re funny, nice etc etc but had no advice for why i couldn’t make friends. I find that as a senior I dont have what allows for folks esp my age to make friends. I never married, never had children, haven’t worked in 40 years, no grandchildren etc that is usually what allows the conversations to continue. They tend to stall on the other person’s end after Are you married? No. What kind of work do you do or are you retired? No been unable to work for 40 years etc. It is only the very small possibility that the next surgery will help that keeps me from taking the pills I have stored away. Dorothy Parker it may have been said “hope is the thing with feathers.” Not sure she meant it is this way but it is etheral and usually out of reach. Thanks for a place where i can tell this. (I am on very fixed income would love to find a counselor but in my area none are affordable for me)
I know this probably doesn’t help a lot but please believe me when I say I do understand the loneliness and the personal shame your going through. You mentioned church so I assume you believe in God, here’s a link to a huge website by a Christian author that might help you.
http://www.net-burst.net/love/god-love-bible.htm
No matter how you feel you are loved and valued. I’ll be praying for you
Thank you for your kind words. No shame just terrible aloneness and loneliness the people who are supposed to be my family should be feeling shame but they have no shame. Thank you for the click and your taking the time to respond and your prayers. I wish you well in your journey and hope you are not here because you are feeling very down or worse.
Carol,
I can relate to your family situation. For me I was always the scapegoat of the family which is probably the most painful role to play in a dysfunctional family so for me I grew up with a lot shame about who I was on top that is the horrible loneliness, I think that’s the most difficult to deal with. Like you I wish I could end my life sometimes but it does help a little knowing there are other people going through difficult circumstances. Try to remember that God is close to your heart even when it doesn’t feel like it.
Thanks Scott I am sorry you have had to deal with that. I am glad you have your Faith to help you. Kind words and someone actually taking the time to hear you helps and your words and replies do and have.
Lee, thanks for your honesty. I notice the professionals don’t generally reply to cases like yours. I wonder why not? It seems it’s much easier for our culture to pretend your situation (and others like yours) doesn’t actually exist. And that meditation, gardening, taking a walk, writing positive thoughts in a journal… will solve nearly every problem, even medically intractable ones. Together with prescribed drugs, of course. And, therefore, it is NEVER justifiable for someone who’s in terrible, unremitting suffering to decide to leave. Even if the rest of us are too busy to be here for the person we’ve forbidden to leave or if we’ve actively abandoned them.
Very sorry for your pain. Mother Teresa nailed it when she called loneliness the world’s greatest poverty. Wishing you some peace.
Thanks Tom. because of the eye pain gardening writing in a journal, everything requires use of your eyes and movement of them triggers very bad pain and it gets frustrating to put down a book after 5 – 10 minutes (but I do it maybe 3x a day) a walk is nice as long as the sun isnt too bright, that triggers terrible pain, or I dont have to look at other people, stores etc, since that also requires moving your eyes. I think as I have gotten older I am just not as willing to trigger the pain as I once was which makes me essentially housebound. (I do go out when I need to and there are some things I agree to do even knowing it may result in horrific pain. I will be having that 13trh surgery this week, a deep brain stimulator implant (it will be 2 surgeries actually, one to put it in temporarily then the second 7 days later to make it permanent. It can take months to get the setting s right but hope is there that it will help. Thanks for taking the time and thought to reply.
Leecobb,
I’m so sorry to hear about all you’ve suffered and all the difficulties you face, still. I’m glad you found this site and told your story here. Thank you. If you want to learn of places where you can talk to others by phone, text, email, or online chat, please check out the Resources page at speakingofsuicide.com/resources.
Thank you for taking the time to reply.. I am going to have the 13th surgery, a deep brain stim implant placed this week (requires 2 brain surgeries and then possibly months to “tweak” to see if it might work) I took the risk of writing to a niece telling her I felt the need for family going into this 13th surgery and hoped she would take the chance to decide for herself who and what I am) but the lies of her father and mother about me are now her unshakable belief apparently and she didnt reply) ):
I have the means but cannot get myself to take the pills. I cant seem to let go of the totally false hope, the doctors have repeatedly confirmed it is false, there is no hope left, all surgeries etc tried/thought of and discarded due to risks /appropriateness. I need to find a way to let go of this falsehood that there is a way for the pain to stop and then I can be a part of the world again. Thank you for this place to vent
God, your story makes mine seem petty… but I still hurt…I’m stupid, can’t make friends.
Everyone’s pain and hurt is the worst to them. There can be no comparison because each one’s is personal and every person has their own limits as to what and how things affect them. I am so sorry you feel this way. It is hard to make friends. It does not mean you are stupid. Have you asked others if they can give you feedback about how you interact with others? I find that can be of help. I hope things can get better for you
nobody cares so why should I
I just doing what all kids do when i a kid and i getting told off for each one such as i loved getting dirty in things i didn’t care what it was whether it was shit or piss or sewage i enjoyed getting dirty and computer games and videos the most. which kid doesn’t. I used to get followed by same people i’m sure of it as i didn’t want that. I realized i getting chased by same people and i didn’t need that. I still continued to cry when i a kid for told off for every fun and went through as a kid. I just couldn’t stand it anymore and i just continued whether get told off or not.
Why does anyone care that I commit suicide? And if they care, where are they? No one is here with me through the lonely nights. No one spends holidays with me. No one gives me a hug when I desperately need it. No one helps me when I’m destitute. But then words, easy to type and say or expensive to buy, tumble out of them, “Oh, don’t kill yourself!” No one else is living my life. No one else is responsible for me. No one helps me to live. I’m just a working class, poor, organic machine here to feed the new god of The Economy. No one even KNOWS me, yet I’m supposed to believe others care that I won’t be here?
The proof that that fiction is failing is in the reports year after year of the INCREASING suicide rates. So it may be taboo to admit you want to end life, but more people are doing it. Just like the old religions died because they lost credibility with many, the new “mental health” religions will die too. Because the reality of people’s day-to-day existence so very often contrasts too much with the saccharine life-is-good mythology being peddled otherwise.
“To seriously consider suicide is a sign that something is wrong.” Undoubtedly. The question is whether what’s wrong is fixable enough for the one thinking about suicide. There are no miracles. At least there’s no evidence of such. The UN recently declared that the US’s treatment of the poor is a human rights violation. And the number of “extreme poor,” according to the UN and other international watchdogs, in the US (and other developed nations) IS GROWING. These people suffer terribly. We’re not going to solve poverty or bigotry or corruption, etc, anytime soon even though all these problems can cause depression according to scientists. There are too many who hold power and wealth who don’t want to fix the problems because it’s not in their interests. So until someone actually has the power to stop the widespread, persistent injustices crushing the life out of millions, they shouldn’t be entitled to decide for anyone else that they have to stick around to keep being dumped on.
We shouldn’t be lecturing people to stay alive. We should be changing the world so people WANT to stay alive. But that’s a lot harder to do than talk/type.
This made me think about the fact that I have been suicidal before and pulled through it, and was happy I did. Trying to find the same strength now, but it’s hard. I do have friends who love me very much, but my family is the source of many of my problems. Our relationship is very bad and I wish I could just never see them again, but as a disabled person I need their help and support. So it’s kind of like being trapped in a toxic environment where the only way out is suicide. I am in the depth of a depression and I know I will feel better at some point in the future, that is the nature of bipolar, but also the nature of bipolar is the good times never last either and the depression always comes back. I truly want to die. It doesn’t help that I am in constant physical pain as well. I have a chronic, progressive disease that is destroying my joints, and it is only going to get worse. I wonder if there is any point to fighting.
Please never give up, you are a human being and you deserve to live. I had an aunt with a debilitating disease, she had a brain tumor when she was a child and the medication and operations she underwent really messed her up and it got worse over time. But she was such a bright soul, I wish I could see her again
I read every point .actually I am a person who gives advise to others.
I just feel so alone. I want to end my existance.
I have tried to end my life several times. I have overdosed and driven my car and almost died.. I wish I had as I would be better off gone than to go on like this. My parents are gone and my oldest brother is gone. I have no relationship with my twin brother. My deceased brother every time he called me in healthier days I could tell him I loved him and he told me he loved me which is more than I can say about my twin brother
same i just want to die.But i am 10
Why do you feel that way at 10? I ask because I also felt that way when I was 8. I had many failed suicide attempts including shooting myself at 16. Please talk to someone you trust. Believe it or not as you mature most of these feelings will pass. I was seriously bullied throughout childhood & didn’t have anything in common with my family. I later married & had a daughter who is my reason for still hanging on. There are no easy answers & I do understand talk to someone! You are not alone. I still struggle at 52 hence the reason I came across your post. Talk to someone!
Today, depression has become suicidal.
none of these help from 12 year old
Hi, I feel really depressed since about 3 years and I have lots of suicidal thoughts. They are getting worst with time and I’ve already tried to but I couldn’t. I wanna talk to my parents, but my brother just told them the same thing so I don’t want them to think I want attention or Im afraid its gonna hurt them too much to know that their 2 kids are both suicidal. What do I do?
Please am in serious debt with dangerous individual which I believe I can pay back with time but presently they want that money now but I can’t and they took my somewhere turtured me and that makes me promised them Saturday 16/02/2019 now have called everyone no help and two of my friends stand for me and I cant run away by putting them in danger at the same time I can’t wait for that process of turturing again my only solution is to kill myself before they get to me please people stay out of debt
Of course I’m thinking of killing myself; it’s all I ever seem to think of nowadays.
Ive been going thru depression since middle school, I am now 25. I’ve always put other people’s needs in front of mine, which caused myself to fall behind in a lot of things life. I lost a lot of people when I had the courage to stand up for myself. I always thought “ treat people like you would like to be treated” but I never get in return. I’m alone, I’ve tried my best to adjust to my life pursuing my goals and dreams alone. Sometimes it’s hard because you see everyone else with someone or with friends and it takes a toll on me, what’s wrong with me? I wish I had a shoulder to cry on, someone I could run to. People only enjoy my company when they need something, family too. I can’t always be the strong person for everyone. I lost myself. My dignity, who I thought were friends. I’m having a breakdown as we speak because I kind making the same mistakes and wind up hurt over and over again. Sometimes I feel like giving up is the only way to escape for everything. I am weak, I am a push over. The more that I swear that I’m happy, the more that I feel alone in life. I feel pathetic.
Bro same here, got no friends, got no one I can even like freakin come to in sadness, I keep doing the same mistakes, but I feel like me and you together can become positive and good mental minded.
I’m 36 an every thing u said is true others first not your self then when u do say no / or stand up for urself people hate u for it they think I should always think I should keep saying yes that’s ok but I can’t take it even to every girl Iv ever known Iv always been second best never 1st never had a girlfriend someone to love never will a lot of people always tell to stop being stupid well this ain’t no lie I no what u feel ! Good luck mate
48 yo female divorced 2 months ago…2 abusive marriages, ran from them, from my kids, no real job as I run when things get stressful. Living with elderly partents but the shame is heavy in the air. No alimony no insurance as I get paid under the table as a nanny.
Stressed daily and its affecting my jobs. Have been diagnosed in the past with depression and anxiety but no disability.
I see no future. I have failed so much and so many, especially God…I profess to be a Christian yet havent lived it. All around me say depression isnt real, just smile and go get a real job.
Want to end it all instead of going homeless eventually. Homelessness for women is especially bad.
Just holding on daily…trying to keep the terrifying feelings and self hatred at bay. I really dont know how to live in this world or to be an adult. The fit survive. I cant even get the help I need tho I am trying. No insurance so waiting for county help.
So desperate. So sad about every life choice has been wrong. I just dont know why. So broken.
I feel the same way. I hate myself. I feel I will never find anything I’m good at doing. I have no purpose. All my friends have abandoned me. Many times I think to myself, “what’s the point?”I feel no matter how hard I try, I’ll always be a failure.
I a 64 year old male and it seems to me I’ve made too many mistakes things I can not fix like the too soon death of my companion and best friend I ever had of twenty years she did everything to make me happy but I believe I broke her heart she got sick and went on dialysis for 12 years the last 6 years I wasn’t with her just for two months she had her first stroke she was my all and everything my inspiration she was like an angel I did not deserve her but she loved me more than I loved myself I hope to see her again because other than Jesus nobody ever loved me like my sweet Teddie R.I.P. my heart string H.A
I find this article helpful and it’s the same time it’s like it’s under glass, far away because I am contemplating suicide. It is comforting to me but also scary and makes me feel physically sick thinking about what I will do. I can never see myself in the future.
Jem,
I’m sorry you’re struggling. I hope you will consider getting help from a therapist, if you haven’t already.
Perhaps, too, these other articles on the site will be helpful to you:
Coping Statements for Suicidal Thoughts
Talking Back to Suicidal Thoughts
What Are Your Reasons for Living?
And if you need to talk with someone by hotline, text line, email or online chat, please check out the resources I list at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
None of this helps. I’m in severe pain, I have not 1 friend family has abandoned me. Therapist I’ve seen r shitty. When u tell someone they put u in a holding playpen & don’t listen or care. There is no future.
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Jessica,
I’m very sorry to hear about your painful struggles. I hope you will keep trying to find help. Please take a look at the resources I posted for information about how to get help by phone, text, email, and online chat.
Hello again, I wrote about a month ago how I was having issues due to me being 50 years old and feeling worthless and expendable.
I think that some of the maltreatment and disrespect I have received for most of my life has been due to the fact that I am undersized. I have received many offensive and rude comments due to my short stature; yet, I am told that I imagine it or get over it. Hard to do that when it keeps happening. I guess I am also a late bloomer. I didn’t learn how to ride a bike until I was 8 or 9 for example.
As I said in my previous post, I have been treated as an expendable human being and, sadly, even by my family. When I was 8 or 9 years old, I can recall my brother and another male urinating on me and some of it going into my mouth and they were laughing as they did it. My brother also became so upset with me one time a few years later, he started to choke me until I passed out and fell on the floor. Of course, I have told my immediate family about this and it has never been discussed after that. I received no apology or anything. My brother is treated like the winner and me the loser of the family.
A number of years ago, I also helped out a family member when she was having serious medical issues. Don’t wanna say what exactly but it can put my future health at risk. As a reward, she and her husband now dont talk to me much at all and, if they do, it is in a disparaging manner. Unreal. Yet I am the outcast of the whole family it seems. Members of my extended family also look down at me and I have no idea why…they just do.
Like I said earlier, I was (and still am) undersized and even in a Christian school (no surprise) I was bullied, if not ostracized. I never could understand why I was the one chosen for such degradation and humiliation. Even being mocked in a newspaper at the time about my lack of height and it wasn’t a small publication either.
So, sometimes I do feel suicidal and think I am just a waste and wonder why I am here. Am I here for others to mock me? Why did I experience such hostility and comtempt from Christian people who are told to love one another. Did God not make me this way? I don’t understand it.
Thanks for reading!
Al,
You’ve dealt with a great deal of pain and abandonment. You don’t mention whether you’re getting any help for coping with the effects. I hope so. If money is an issue, please check out my post “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” To get free help from a hotline, text line, or other service, please check out the Resources page. Thanks for sharing your story here.
sadly yes I am, this is due to a horrid change in my wife, last year she sent an email to a friend her friend sent the same to myself, in the email my not so dear wife did say she wished I was dead, since I have not been able to accept anything she says, she has become very selfish no interest in personal contact, always putting myself down, I do honestly feel this is the end for us and myself, I do not wish to try for a repair because I have no trust for her words, she is 67 I am 77, I do not wish this horrid behaviour to continue I am not a weak minded male having all my life been very active both physical and emotional, this event is not what I thought marriage was about I did think it was about honesty and respect, how foolish I have been. Now I know how and what she wants for herself, I do keep out of her way, she is very toxic. I have no idea how to fix this horror , I am not sure if I want to continue her selfish ways
Hi David, I hope this note finds you in good health and mind.
You already said it, you are of value. I realize you may not see it now as your mind, heart and soul are in pain due to your wife’s betrayal.
I too struggled mentally due to chronic pain and bipolar disorder; so I have an idea of what you’re feeling.
Just know there are people who value you. You may not immediately see it, as the depressed mind is cruel.
Please seek help of a mental health professional; it has helped me and I’m sure it will help you.
Just remember the positive moments of your marriage; forgive for you as it will set you free. Move on without her as there is someone out there that deserves you.
Keep your head high, you are important.
Thanks for you emotional support, I have been in deep thought and I know I would hurt many good folk, therefore I have seen I need greater strength , I do believe I am over the horrid crisis. Thanks for your magic words and vast support.
Dear fellow sad people:
The eye opener is that nothing matters, there is no greater good, certainly no god nor hell. Every single thing an event just is… it’s not good, nor bad. So, it does not make a difference if all of us ceased to exist, time goes on. Even if Earth disappeared taking all life, time goes on. There is always another day, but there is no point in nothing. Nothing is good or bad, it just is…
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Bless you, your words of support are magic, I have been on my self defence and WOW ! I did get through so now it is to be a better family time, Once again,,,thank you, your support has taken myself away from bad thoughts…xxx David Bradbury..xxx
Rod,
Your comment reminds me of the Shakespeare quote, “Nothing is either good or bad but thinking makes it so.” You’re making a statement about life (and death) in general, so my reminder might not seem entirely relevant. But I think it adds a variable to your equation, and that is human cognition. What we think about something matters. What we think about something affects the way we feel and the actions we take.
Thanks for sharing here — and for getting me thinking!
I am stuck, honestly I don’t hate life. What I really hate is humans, everything about them. As a species we suck and care only about our selves, everything is survival and I envy those who were capable of taking their own life. My life is bad, I have a great family, we have money and care for each other with everything we got. With that said, I have mild autism which I’ve always treated as a gift and the only pills I take are for anxiety which is common in my family. So why do I feel the way I do and stay awake at night thinking about how I could or why I should end my life. It hurts me more not knowing answers to this rather than the thought of how it would effect my family.
Nicholas,
These are questions that a therapist should be able to help you answer. I’m unable to attempt therapy, even briefly, with a stranger on the Internet, so let me just say that I think your questions are painful, important, and I believe answerable.
If you want to talk with someone immediately by phone, email, online chat, or text, please check out the resources that I list at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp
Thank you for sharing your questions here!
I’m 25. My wife and I had a pretty bad fight tonight and I spit in her face. I felt so bad, I immediately when to our room and got my pistol out of my drawer and put it in my mouth. And that’s where I wish I had the guts.
I want for NOTHING in life, but I find that the only problem I have with it, is me. I am constantly falling short of who I want to be and feeling like I am a disappointment to others. I say and do things that I will never be able to take back- yeah I can apologize and “try to work on it” but does that make it so it didn’t happen? No. I still have to live with it. I am embarrassed and ashamed of myself constantly. Why seek help when I still have to live with my actions, or have someone talk me out of it when it isn’t going to change who I am? I take people for granted it seems. Sure I try to be there for others, but I can’t seem to save myself.
John,
The feelings of shame, guilt, and helplessness you describe sound very painful. You asked, “Why seek help when I still have to live with my actions, or have someone talk me out of it when it isn’t going to change who I am?” Therapy or other forms of counseling can help more than you might expect. You can learn skills to better control your actions, you can gain understanding of why they occur and help prevent them, and you can develop constructive ways to make amends when you do things you regret.
If money is an issue, please check out my post “12 Ways to Get Therapy if You Can’t Afford It.” I also list on the Resources page places where you can receive help for free by phone, text, email, or online chat.
Who wrote this! Fear of going to hell will keep me from killing myself? Stop.
Melissa,
I wrote this. In my work with suicidal people as a therapist, I have often encountered people for whom fear of punishment after death is their sole reason for staying alive. I understand that fear of going to hell wouldn’t affect you this way, and certainly you are not alone; many people do not believe in hell or any kind of afterlife at all. But fear of hell is a powerful deterrent to suicide for many people.
I’m sorry if you’re thinking of killing yourself. I hope you’ll consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, the Lifeline at 741-741, or other resources that I list at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
You think using fear of hell is a legitimate tactic in suicide prevention? So a person will choose to live out of fear, but likely their lives will be characterized by fear. How is adding to someone’s misery an ok suicide-prevention strategy?
Rob,
I think you misunderstood me. I do not use fear of hell as a suicide prevention tactic, and I don’t think others should, either.
I simply was saying that for many people, fear of hell is a deterrent. That fear comes from within them, not from somebody else.
Dealing with mental health issues all my life medicated and see therapist for the majority of my life doesn’t ever get fully better and the thought I’ll never be able to get fully better sucks ( specifically ocd the intrusive thoughts will never go away) is that any kind of way to live)?? Just want to get better
Joe,
That’s very painful, and I’m sorry. If you want to talk with someone about how you’re feeling by phone, text, email or online chat, please check out the places I list on the Resources page.
I am 50. I have a job that I hate. I have no car. I don’t have a lot of money. There is nothing to look forward to but getting older, sicker, poorer. I want out.
This isn’t a psychological issue, but a philosophical issue. Is life worth the trouble? I don’t think it is. It’s just one grueling day after another with no hope. I do not care about how my death would affect others because I wouldn’t ask that anyone else continue in misery just so I could be spared some soul searching. There is nothing wrong with me mentally, rather I just see life for what it is, and I don’t belong in it.
Rob,
It sounds like you don’t have any hope that things can get any better for you, which is painful. If you want to talk with someone about this by phone, email, online chat, or text, please check out the places I list on the Resources page.
In the last weeks I was really close to committing suicide. I checked Google for methods to kill myself. Then I read this article and it really helped me. I just want to thank you. Thinking about the future and that there is still hope to find a solution for my problems keeps me going.
Franziska,
It saddens me that you’ve been in so much pain, and I’m grateful that this article helped you. Thank you so much for letting me know.
It’s good that thinking of the future, along with reminding yourself there’s hope for solving your problems another way, keeps you going. With that in mind, this article might interest you, too: “If You Are Suicidal, Envision Your Future Selves.”
Always know, too, that you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-8255, or text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or use one of other resources listed at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I am frustrated and depressed. I am a 50 year old man living at home with my parents (for now). I have never been married nor do I have any children. I have been treated like an expendable human being for most of my life and been called a loser to my face. I feel absolutely worthless right now and am not sure where I fit in. I am stuck in this sad life because I fear that suicide will send me to hell. That is just a introduction to me for me; I will write more later.
Please stay strong and realize that you are not worthless, even if it feels as though we are sometimes.
I believe that there is always hope for a brighter future.
Al,
It’s profoundly painful to feel worthless. I hope you are getting help. If you want to talk with someone about this by phone, email, online chat, or text, please check out the places I list on the Resources page.
I wanna die…
Kenny,
I’m sorry. I am unable to provide counseling on this site, so I list places on SpeakingOfSuicide.com.resources/#immediatehelp where you can get help for free by phone, email, text, and online chat. Please check them out.
I see what you’re trying to do here but what if the things the voices say are indeed true? Would you tell that to a child molester? That the things he thinks about himself aren’t true? Would you help him change or send him to the chair?
I balance between psychopath and angel but have no control over it.
Never learned to love or be loved.
Helena,
Those are good questions. The examples I gave above were of someone hearing voices that told them they’re a bad person and worthless. I do not believe that such labels are ever true. People might do bad things, and they might feel worthless, but fundamentally nobody is entirely bad.
That said, if someone is telling themselves that they’ve hurt people or done awful things, and it’s true, then there’s no value in trying to talk them out of it. To do so would be invalidating. A better route to take would be to empathize with their feelings of regret, help them develop skills for coping with the consequences of their actions, try to teach them the skills to avoid doing more harm, and help brainstorm ways to make amends for wrongdoings.
In short, I generally don’t believe that anybody is beyond hope or change, including you.
My teenage daughter keeps begging me to kill myself. She said it is the only thing she wants for Christmas. She said she would throw a party and celebrate when I die. She said she will get me cremated and will flush my ashes down the toilet. I would like to go to sleep and not wake up. No one cares about me. No one. And no one would even care if I am suddenly no longer alive.
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Invisible,
What you describe is verbal abuse. I’m so sorry. If you’d like to talk about what you’re experiencing to someone at a hotline, text line or other service, please check out the places I list on the Resources page.
I think that’s horrible that she would say all those things to you. Please don’t give up just yet. There has to be some reason for you to stay, even if you can’t see it yet. Please stay strong!
Maybe it’s just that life is a total shit-show. What’s so great about “life?” It’s a grueling, painful thing. The thought of taking myself out of here is the only thing that gives me comfort.
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I’m sixty and I’ve never been so lost. I can’t stop crying. No doctor has helped me with this in forty years. All my relationships are a shambles it seems people only like me because I’m generous. The holidays and political scene has me over the edge. My cat is the only one that cares. He runs to me every time I cry. Everyone else just wants a favor or they just don’t understand. I’ve stopped talking to those who matter because they just don’t get it and have no idea what to do or say! I feel like I don’t belong anywhere.
I’m the same age and have an alcoholic wife living in a tiny shack and now my daughter in law’s got evicted and is crashing in the living room. My dog is the only one that doesn’t judge me or make me do everything for them! Not what I thought life would be like at our age when we were teens. I hate the trapped feeling!
I feel the same way… I am 13 and I always cry when nobody is around… the little things get to me and I just can’t take it…. I always feel sad, but I smile anyway. I won’t do suicide because death could be just the same
My name is Emma. I just had my 18th birthday three weeks ago. I wish I was dead, but I just don’t know how to die. I’ve had the perfect life. I had loving parents and a middle class background and a childhood in a good neighborhood. I’m at college because my family can afford it. I feel so weak for wanting to kill myself when I have been handed everything on a silver platter. I grew up Catholic but I can’t take refuge in my faith because I was raised to idolize heaven, so I just want to go to that perfect place where I can see my grandfather and finally rest. I just want to rest. I know I should seek treatment, but there would be too much shame in mentioning this to my parents.
Emma,
What you describe is very painful and worrisome. Please get help. You can get help through your school or family doctor without mentioning it to you parents. You also can get help from a crisis hotline, crisis text line, or other service; I list those resources here.
Hi. I’m 27 years old. I spent the first 11 years of my life being molested and raped by my grandfather. My mother was a stranger I would go visit every other weekend and my father had a temper.
I remember praying to God every night as I layed still in my bed, hoping my grandfather would be too tired to make his way into my bedroom. I remember asking God to give me wings so I could fly away.
When I was 11 I reported my grandfather for sexual abuse. He was sentenced 5 years but got out early after only one year for “good behavior” you won’t even find his name on the registry.
My father remarried a woman who despised me. She abused me mentally for 5 years until I ran away when I was 16.
I prayed to God that one day he would make me a mother so I could show my child what unconditional love was. What family was, and how a mother was meant to love her child.
That year I met the man I would marry. He and his family helped me through my teenage years.
Before I go on, I am not a religious person. I prayed to God to save me, and maybe he gave me strength, or maybe I was sick of being kicked and raped that I took it upon myself to get help… I guess i don’t know.
I am now a mother. I am 27 years old and my son is 14 months old. I love him very much.
I have fallen back into a terrible depression that I can not seem to get myself out of. I see a therapist and I have talked to my doctor. But I still wake up struggling to breath every night because the anxiety from my nightmares is crippling. I told my doctor that I was thinking of suicide and maybe I had Postpartum depression..? She didn’t seem to care. She made sure I was not a threat to my son and sent me home with a “Good Luck!” I think about suicide everyday. Throughout the day. I hate myself, and I am afraid my son will grow up and see that. I am afraid I am going to teach him to fear the world.
I am afraid my son will look at me and realize that I am so broken.
Everyday, for just a split second, I wish I had succeeded in my previous suicide attempts. Because now, I will leave behind a precious little boy who doesn’t deserve to go through life with out a mommy.
I am stuck between staying and hoping I don’t ruin this perfect boy, or leaving and knowing he has plenty of people who will love him. He is still young, and he won’t remember me. He will only be told good things from his father.
Raven,
I’m sorry you’re suffering so badly, and I’m also sorry you were traumatized and let down by so many people in your life. What an amazing testament to your strength that you have been able to take care of yourself for so long.
Please don’t stop. Fight for your life.
You said your doctor didn’t take seriously your suicidal thoughts. How did your therapist respond? Can they help you and advocate for you?
There are so many options you can try. Have you gone through trauma therapy such as EMDR?
Have you tried an online support group? Crisis text line? Suicide hotline? (See resources here.)
Can you talk to your partner about what you are experiencing? He might be able to help. And it can help you to not feel so alone and unheard.
Can you go to a different doctor??? If not, can you call this one and say, “Look, I don’t think you understand. I need help”?
Please, don’t believe everything you think. You said you have depression. Well, depression lies. It’s telling you that your choice is either to stay alive and ruin your son’s life, or to die at a time when it wouldn’t mean anything to your son. You can stay alive without ruining your son’s life. You can’t die without hurting him.
I don’t want to say anything to “guilt” you into staying alive for your son, but I also don’t want to collude with your suicidal thoughts and give the appearance that I agree with you that it wouldn’t hurt a child, no matter their age, to lose their parent.
Please keep fighting!
DONT PUT YOUR SON IN A BAD FOSTER HOME BY ENDING YOUR LIFE AND PUTTING HIM IN A BAD PLACE . YOUR SON WOULD HAVE TO LIVE WITH YOUR DEATH FOR THE REST OF HIS LIFE
I have A story different but the same, as we all do in the Child Molestation Scenario, I battled everything and it was Anger that burned to rage that rested in Hatred for many many years, I had no idea how much energy Hate consumes, effects Health and Relationships, at the end of the day no one has a perfect answer. when my Daughter was born by accident my eyes were opened to how my temper affected her, the urge to change was instant, 20 years later the path to burying that version of me has crossed many mountains and it’s a long suffering road, i’m going on my 6th year in therapy with a great counselor who has also become family and friend, but it was a tribute to money that reached me well over a year that was never mine from my deceased brother and a remembrance if you will that put me on my 1st Scooter, it was a 50cc, the taste didn’t last long, but it grew 4 bikes later to an Italian fuel injected 500cc big boy Scooter and 11,000 miles later with a total now of just over 18,000 miles that has restored more of me than even my counselor could in 6 years, 18 months into this now, and im planning my longest road trip by Summers end to Colorado, there is a 5000 mile learning curve, no matter what you read or who you listen or talk to, that can be overwhelming and stressful, but to me hell, what’s that unknown factor of anxiety in comparison to the hell we already survived??? I watched a ton of you tube videos and put the miles in, and it has restored me to 85% id say, is it a cure all, NO, do I still have depression, yes… do I still have PTSD, yes… does Suicide still creep in to my thought patterns… yes… but 85% is still impressive AF, and by no means am I bragging, im grateful, maybe it’s not Bikes for you, but find something that gives you solitude and passion and somewhere in that mix is healing, how exactly I do not know, but to me riding is as a whole for everything it gives the wounded soldier in all of us who have been perverted by this Demon, and no offense to any women who have lived this, but as a child of the 60’s who grew up in the 70’s as a Man we had and really still don’t have anywhere to go for help, which makes it much harder to talk about or be understood, im not sure this will help, but whatever it is that you can gain passion of, be it, bike riding, or horses, or rock climbing or nature walks, start there, but id suggest to anyone take the state course on how to ride, get your learners rent a bike or few before deciding and see if what im sharing holds water, you’ll never know unless you give it a seed and a chance to grow, good luck and remember no matter where your at in that moment, you only have to survive 24 hours at a time, my clock runs 12 til 12 am, everyday, for me the highs and lows get a do over everyday, it’s the only way ive made it 54 years and 9 months, my terrible story started at 3 and ended in one chapter at 5 then the 2nd chapter of physical and verbal abuse til 17, all the rest of the story our kind already know, my intent here is 2 give you hope and survival mode suggestions just to continue, nobody wins in suicide except suicide, and out of everything, im not giving the 2 demons who harmed me and my brother in foster care at the hands of the state of va. that kind of power, they took enough from us, and my brother left at 51 years taking his to the grave, natural causes, but he never let himself be honest with anyone even me the horror of what happened to us, well ive got this crazy idea, that ill make peace somehow someway here while here so I don’t carry this seed forward to wherever our next may be, just keep fighting, all I know, focus on the progress and wins not defeats, mine are too many to count anyway,lol… but you’re not trying to win here you can’t anyway all you can do is survive and be a survivor not a victim that’s the end goal, take it or leave it, I hope this reaches and helps whoever it suppose to, thank you for reading and letting me share…
Wow, Darryl, you’ve experienced so much pain in your life and overcome much of it. I’d say 85% is darn good. It’s wonderful that you found in motorcycling a passion that sustains you, and that you want to share your message of hope and resilience with others. Thank you for sharing here.
Hang in there and keep praying your son needs you,god gave you a son and you are lucky.
I’m in my 30s, have two young children and it’s not so much thinking of suicide, but more of a choice that I feel I’ve made. It’s more definitive than just ‘thinking about it’. My ex has me replaced in my boys lives, they are young enough to recover and have a step dad that is wonderful with them. The only other people in my life are family members who all have terrific lives, full and satisfying lives, surrounded by family, friends, spouses, children. I’m the only one that’s alone. It was only when I started cutting off communication that anyone noticed that there was anything wrong, I don’t have any friends, people have always treated me with an unnatural distaste, much like Mr. Hyde from the Jekyll & Hyde story “He gives the impression of deformity without any namable malformation, I despise the man yet I scarcely know why”, the immediate impression people treat me with is one of distrust when i see so many others who, whether deserved or not, get the benefit of the doubt, but not me, I’m uninvited. I’m exhausted from the constant rejection, the failure to connect with anyone on any level. Before I understood depression as a child, when I was 10 I tried to kill myself. What stopped me then was my own internal advocate, a voice inside telling me “ you’re so young, you haven’t given yourself a chance, it will get better, give it more time”, I’ve given it another 30yrs, my advocate has worn himself out and his arguments have lost their efficacy, and looking back, the only regret I have in life now was not following though in ending my life when I first tried as a kid, so many lives I could have spared being touched or affected by mine. Now having effectively made a final decision, it’s more about planning how to set up paying off debts to people I care about, how to finish estate planning, how my assets will get disbursed when I’m gone, how to make sure leaving this Earthly plane has a minimal impact. I don’t want to be saved, I just want to wrap up this life, like packing at the end of a long vacation, you have your last few activities on the trip you want do, last few sights you want to see, yet you still have to pack up your stuff so you’re ready to go at the prescribed date.
I know you said you don’t want to be saved, but at least try to hear me out.
First of all, no step parent could ever replace a biological parent. Even though my entire life my dad was with my step mother. She could never replace my biological mom. Your children are no exception, no step parent could ever replace you. Now I don’t know how young your kids are, but even their memories of you aren’t very clear they will always wonder about you and what it would be like if you were alive. Not to mention, no matter the age the loss of a parent is one of the worst things to go through. You can never fully recover from a death, trust me. Besides, what if one day one of your children wants to commit suicide? You would be the most understanding, the person who knew the most about what they are going through, and you be a person they trust.
You also mentioned that you don’t have friends and even quoted Jekyll and Hyde to say people are put off by you. For the longest time I thought that people were repulsed by me and that’s why I had no friends. This type of thinking isn’t true, I’m not going to tell you to just brush it off because that doesn’t work. Just try to think that maybe your misinterpreting their signals. It’s hard to believe that or believe you connect with anyone when you feel this depressed. If people straight off the bat distrust you try pursuing, give them a reason to trust you. Starting small is the best way to go.
“It was only when I started cutting off communication that anyone noticed that there was anything wrong” They did notice something was wrong. It is hard for people on the outside to notice the signs. I wish people were more aware of the signs but people are bad at recognizing that something is off unless its been going on for a while or it becomes obvious. This is often seen as people not caring. People do care, they just aren’t very observant which is why it is important to ask for help and express how you feel.
Your inner advocate who was spurring you on has gone quiet. After years of your brain trying to get you to keep going, it gets exhausting. I am not in the same position as you, I cannot begin to say that I know what your feeling because I don’t. What I’m trying to say it’s that it’s terrible now but things do change for good and bad. Your advocate needs a push. So please, please, consider seeing a counsellor or therapist. It does not mean you are crazy or weak, it means you are strong enough to keep going.
If you had died when you were ten, your children would never have been born. I’m assuming you care about your children. So your kids are definitely a good impact you have made. I’m sure if you had died back then your family would have been devastated. Instead of focusing on negative effects you had remember the good ones to. Depression gives us this selective filter where we only recall the bad and it’s hard to think of the good. People’s impacts aren’t all bad just as they aren’t all good. That doesn’t mean more people should die that just means people aren’t all good or bad. The world isn’t that simple.
As for your decision, it’s never to late to change your mind on this. Saying you have to ‘pack up’ now is not true. You still have about 40 years of vacation left before you naturally die. This is like packing when you have a month of vacation left. Sure it’s nice to have things wrapped up just in case but you don’t have to leave. Go ahead and see those sights, do those activities but you don’t have to go through the exit right after. You have a lot of time left.
I think I’ve covered everything you mentioned but I have a few more things to say. First, death may seem as a way to spare people and end suffering. This couldn’t be further from the truth. People will be greatly affected by your death. Even people who think they will have no impact with their death are deeply mourned. The pain of loss never goes away. As for the end of suffering. I don’t know your views on what happens after death. Hell, reincarnation as someone with a worse life, a ghost wracked with sorrow, or if none of those are your cup of tea. Not existing. The thought of no longer existing is hard to wrap your mind around. Your brain simply can’t imagine not being conscious. You might imagine darkness, there will be no darkness nor will there be color or noise or quiet because you will have no senses to sense it. There will be no suffering, but there will be no joy. Just nothing. It won’t be like going to sleep because in sleep you dream and wake up. There will be no waking up. This is permanent.
Also, what if you survive?
There is a possibility you live after your attempt and you I are disfigured or disabled or get put into a psych hospital for constant supervision. Even people who are shot in the head can live you just can’t know if you’ll survive or not.
I sincerely hope I have presented something worthwhile, something that made you think and hopefully change your mind. Most importantly, I hope you are still alive to read this. It may seem crazy that an internet stranger cares about you. Nonetheless, I care. Here is why: I know what it’s like to want so badly to die and I don’t want that anyone to think their life would be better ended, I know what its like to lose someone you love and I don’t want anyone to go through this loss if they don’t have to, Both my parents have depression and have had suicidal thoughts, one even attempted, and no child should have to live with the death of a parent especially if it’s suicide because there is always that underlying self blame. Finally, I care because when I read your post some part of my latched onto it, maybe the Jekyll and Hyde quote, maybe your confession of suicidal thoughts at just ten years old but something made me stay and spend half an hour hoping and hoping that I wasn’t to late. I wish I was there to talk to you in person but at least I can send you this.
Please, if you are still here to read this, get a therapist (they are actually really great, the stereotype/baggage associated with them blow it out of proportion, they are super chill). Please call suicide hotline or make a safety plan (or both or all of the above).
I hope you are alive and I hope you are doing better.
My name is Al, I’m 60 yrs old. I’ve been thinking about Suicide every day, since my wife died 6 months ago. We were married for 32 years. I loved her more than anything in the world, I absolutely cherished her. She got sick a year ago and went to the hospital. We found out that she had small cell lung cancer and it had already spread to her liver. They told us it was terminal and at best, if she responded to chemo, that she might get 6 more months, maybe even up to a year. Sadly, 20 weeks later, she took her last breath. I could do nothing, but sit next to her, and slowly watch my beautiful wife die. I’m so sad and depressed now, I really don’t want to be here anymore. Every day painful without my wife. I long to be with her. I’ve been trying to think of the best way to kill myself. This is such a lonely painful existence. I have cried every day for a year. I have felt like I’m stuck in the twilight zone, or like a really bad dream that I can’t wake up from. This wasn’t supposed to happen, I thought that we were going to grow old together. I find myself cursing God for letting this happen. I even find myself breaking down and crying in public, and I really don’t give a shit. I really thought and hoped that I might even be lucky enough to die of a broken heart, but I guess God isn’t done torturing me enough yet.
Hi Al,
I’m so sorry to read about your wife’s passing, I can’t imagine how it must feel to have the one you love so much ripped out of your life all of a sudden.
You are grieving right now, and it can be a long process. Honestly some people will never completely heal from losing a loved one. But they can find meaning again.
I wonder what your wife would like you to do, would she want you to die too? Or would she want you to live and experience the world and the dreams you had together?
I think it would be the latter, even though it will be really, really hard for a while.
I hope you will find the right support, there are lots of support groups for grief and you will be able to connect with others that are going through the same thing. I think that would help you to feel less alone.
I’m honestly so sorry about your wife, this was written a few months ago and I hope you’re okay.
I happened upon this site because I am looking for answers somehow and ways to help my grief. I want to post this in hopes all of the people who posted here, read this and really hear me. My baby brother, 38 yrs old committed suicide in May 2018. He was severely depressed over being 38 and not being married with kids like his brother and sister (me) and all of his friends. His girlfriend was horrible to him… its a long story and she broke up with him and then found out 2 wks later she was pregnant and because he wouldn’t marry her within 3 days of finding out she aborted the baby. All he ever wanted in life was to be happily married and be a father and he thought he had finally found it. He just wanted to make sure she was back with him for the right reasons and he did intend to marry her and even bought her a ring and want to propose and make it special. But he was never given the chance to give it to her because she broke up with him and aborted his baby. He was depressed and he was my best friend not just my younger brother and my family and my brother were there for him and tried to help him but never ever thought that he would take his own life. I am here to tell all of you that I understand your pain and your desperation and think that it would just be better not to be here anymore and maybe in some ways it might be. However, as you contemplate this decision you need to really think about what you are doing to all those that love you and believe me there are so many people that do. Even if it feels like they don’t. I still have people contacting me and telling me how wonderful my brother was and how loved he was. His funeral was completely packed with people even standing outside who loved and cared for him so much. Yet he was so stuck in his grief and depression he couldn’t see that. I have to tell you that his death has completely devastated his/our family and I always considered myself a happy person for the most part but since he has passed I feel forever broken and every day is a struggle for me. I feel so much guilt because I was the closest to him and yet I still didn’t realize he was going to do that. There is not a day that goes by that I do not think of him. I still find myself picking up the phone to call him, or text him as we did every single day. A movie will come out and I think oh we need to go see that together but then BAM it hits me in the face like a Mac truck that I will never do anything with my sweet brother again. My mom has dementia and this has literally made her memory issues, anxiety and depression 100 times worse. My remaining brother and I struggle every day to take care of her and to just go on. This devastation is not like anything I have experienced and I will never been the same again. I feel broken and so sad. So I am here to share that with you and ask you to think about your family, your friends, your co-workers and what your death would do to them. YES they do really care about you but you may be hiding your true feelings about your intent so they do not know and can’t reach out and help you. All you need to do is share your true feelings with those you love and ask them to help you. Our lives are a gift from God and we only have one of them. Why would you want to end it sooner than God intended for you to end. He is right there with you and will help you get through this just as him for strength and please I beg you, reach out to someone in your family and let them know you need help. You need to fight and live, please do not put your loved ones through the hell that I am experiencing right now. I do not wish that anyone. Please hold on and really listen to my words. I hope in someway it helps someone.
But what happens when they don’t care? My daughter hates me, never wants to see or hear from me again. She wishes I was dead. It feels like the greatest gift I could give her. She might even reconcile with her father and brothers if I die. I can’t bear the pain. It is all my fault I was born bad. My mother prayed my daughter would hate me and so she does. God answered her destructive prayer, but refuses to answer my prayer for reconciliation . I think my death will bring my family back together. I’m ready to go.
I care! And I know that killing yourself is not the answer. Rather than bringing your family together, your suicide would more likely tear them apart. If you think your daughter hates you now (which I doubt is highly unlikely deep inside her) she probably would hate you for taking yourself out of this world and then hate herself for not mending things with you and would feel an intense sense of guilt for her remaining days. Why are you letting your mother win this battle? You need to stand up and fight for your daughter and for your life that you have. It is a gift whether you feel like it is or not. Please know that the pain and grief you leave behind when you take the easy way out is the most horrible pain you can leave your loved ones with. You are not making things better, you are making them worse. Please seek help if you are on the edge and once you become mentally stronger you fight for what is yours…your life and your daughter. She would not want you to even be thinking what you are thinking. And shame on your Mom for making you go thru this but don’t let her win! Seek help! I am praying for you.
I survived breast cancer and then retired from my job on impulse. Now I’m lost nothing to do with my time. Miss my routine and my job. 63 years old. Feel worthless.
I am going thru a 18 yr divorce. Drug addictions. Major psychological disorders. I am a good person but not strong enough to handle everything on my own. I believe in God …but now questioning my religion because I don’t understand how so many bad things could happen to one person. I want to die. My mind body and soul has nothing left. I am ready to give up.
I will give you some advice, love…time is precious …you are 12 and you have so much left to experience than what you already have.. because I know that you are hurting and think that if you don’t do this the it’s forever but it’s not it’s a little smidge In time that works against you ,but it passes and soon you will have moved on to bigger and happier things…. mainly what I’m saying is don’t let a temporary problem cause you to make a permanent solution…it’s not worth it trust me….iv been there but I got lucky and lived and now I get to try and be help young people like yourself….
I’m very happy to see people who are dedicated to bring back hope in people’s lives like mine depression is truly a nightmare , when your family seems truly not to care and brush you out on the streets to fend for yourself it’s hard not to become constant in depression …and I’m still trying to figure out how to deal with it but to see so many people like you going out and trying to reach troubled minds, to bring them back from the edge of the abyss ….it’s heart and I will always respect that
Hi, my name is sean. Im 26 yrs old. Have a huge background in sports all my life. Varsity wrestler all 4 years. Did some college.. Dropped out. Now a huge video gamer. Im extremely depressed because of so much negativity, so much pain in this world. I cry like i am now every time i try to vent. Grew up with an emotionless dad.. And a mom that never gave me attention.. Friends that always 24/7 talk shit to your face. Recently have avoided and got rid of everyone i knew and in the middle of my cdl. I am so depressed and want to kill myself because of all the malignancy in this world all the loopholes.. All the abuse.. All the careless and heartlessness in people. Where did the worlds morals and ethics go to? I want to believe in god but i question everything. I pray in which makes me feel stupid. Grew up in a christian background yet i never went to church. I am so alone.. Money means nothing to me. I try to make myself happy all the time buy purchasing things and doing things for me yet i find myself still so miserable. Ive always been told im defiant. Got declined from the military for defiancy. Yet that was just another attempt of not caring about my life if i died in combat just want to do good in the world. I had a few relationships that lasted for years. And all cheated on me. Going through court battles because the last gf went insane when i couldnt deal with her negative everything and her eating disorder. I tried to help with my personal training background and failed miserably. All i do is pray at night wishing i would never wake up. I guess im still here because i dont have the balls to kill myself because i suppose i still feel hope but i am suffering inside tremendously. I dont know what to do anymore. I dont show up for work. I ignore my parents. Schools are being bombed. Kids murdered. Wars everywhere.. Too into politics. Yet somehow im a republican from peoples view of me.. When i dont want to be anything. I feel like im a slave. I work hard tbh.. To the point where my body hurts all the time for little pay in construction. I feel like im always screwing myself over or either naive or actually just really dumb. Im very ambitious but life seems to always keep me out of reach with resources. Im afraid to have kids because i dont want them to ever feel this way. I cant smoke pot anymore cuz of this stupid jobs rules.. I dont believe in medications cuz i was prescribed wrong things and had a few drop seizures and insane panic attacks.. I have no faith in humanity and i want to scream and rage out of my skin into another dimension. I want to lead and help but cant even lead and help myself. Noticed ive been just giving my stuff away because i dont even want it i just want to be peaceful and happy. Seems like everything makes me upset in some way. Ive gone great lengths just to even try to become something or recieve some kind of gratitude for my accomplishments. Started to bodybuild for 3 years now and im insanely happy with my results and now that even lost its magic in making me feel better. I cant have any relationship in dating anymore because i dont talk much.. Havent for years now.. I find myself always in the dark.. Literally lights off. Tv screen on being brainwashed by whatever is displayed. I cant believe i feel welcomed by death and the fact that i look forward to my natural death so to speak. No such thing as a perfect world but the fact is i cant even take one step in society without hearing about some tragedy. I dont know my purpose.. And i refuse to feel this way. I purposely ramp myself up so that it tires me out and that i can sleep for more then 16 hrs in a day. I just dont know what to do anymore and im losing touch with all humans. I hope everyone gets better sincerely. I hope everyone finds and seeks happiness. I just wish the world felt each other a little more. I really dont want to do this anymore. Ugh.. :’/
My name is Amy in the last past yr I have lived crying everyday I’m so sick inside and I have no one to talk to. Ever since my granddaughter told me she was being sexually abused and physically abused I talked to my daughter about it and she is in denial now she won’t let me see my grandchildren. I’ve talked to CPS several times to get help but they just close the cases. Now I am so sick inside where I get days that I just don’t want to live because I hurt so bad for my grandchildren it’s like I’m walking with a blank head because my grandchild is reaching out for my help and I can’t even do anything about it. what the heck else is there to do I feel like I ain’t got nothing to lose. I need to talk to someone I am breaking down more and more everyday. yes I have tried to kill myself because of this.
Hi Amy, please don’t stop helping her. I was sexually assaulted by my mothers ex husband and when I told my family they all ignored it because I was only 12, it didn’t stop. Maybe try contacting her school, and maybe meeting her there so she can talk to a counselor, they help tremendously, and in the end she will thank you because you didn’t give up on her.
I do not have family, married to a VERY uncaring man that is 15 years my Sr. I have not taken a vacation in 20 years…he is a gambler, that is ALL he does, yes, he is 80, he still works, he does pay the bills, but for HIM to take 1 week to do something with me, I am not worth the effort I guess…I will NOT ask him to take a few days off to do something I actually want to do, he NEVER talks about one thing other than work, football and gambling…and I mean NOTHING, was not this way when we got together, of course not, the introductory offer is always great isn’t it? I grew up without a family…if there are any family members out there, I don’t want to know them, they know I exist. I married my husband, he has 4 kids, I though WOW, a family…well this is where it got me….I was the cute young thing to parade around, a built in babysitter, house cleaner, cook and everything else that goes along with being a doormat of a wife…NOT one vacation in 20 years…not even a walk on the beach….the 2 times we were close to the water, after a gambling binge….not 5 minutes of his time was I worth…..I am angry and crying, scared to take my life, don’t know how to do this without it being ugly…I do not and will NOT take care of him, he is 80 years old, I am angry at myself for falling for his empty lies…I do not have a job, we moved to an area to take care of HIS mom, what sucker did this, F’ING me, that is who..daily I beyond resent him, I am so angry at myself for marrying him, long time coming…if I could just walk away right now…I would…I look at him and hate him…daily I say to myself “F” you to him…..he repulses me…I need help, yes, obviously…but when it comes down to it..and everyone knows this, nobody really cares, or you to to a counselor…knowing damned well they have their own problems, or they are looking at their watches, just waiting for the session to end…nothing but MONEY to them… Some will say, find a different counselor, guess some thinks we are made of money….Anyone that reads this that is contemplating marrying someone older than you…you are going to suffer, OH I know…NO, he loves me…just wait, you have been warned….don’t blame anyone but yourself….he will promise you ANYTHING, ANYTHING to get you to say yes, because who wouldn’t want someone younger to make THEM look better..then in a few years, you find yourself depressed, looking like CRAP….wanting to die…remember, you were warned….I am a FOOL!!!
I don’t know so much what it is but I know that I feel so irrelevant in my regular day 2 day life that I’m even starting not to matter to myself.. I find myself alone a lot because if I say anything then I’m just”being ridiculous” or. ” feeling sorry for myself” or a better 1 is I’m just “looking for attention” well I am absolutely none of the above I’m just tired of feeling I don’t matter 2 anyone anymore and tired of crying about it
I still want to die I’m working hard no support no family really but my kids and grandkids I’m about to be homeless again I can’t fail my kids again so I’m ready to give this life up
I still can’t find a job. I’m 50 years old, no car, no money, and the future is sure to be even worse. There is literally nothing holding me to this earth; no family, no friends, no interests, no hope. Why is suicide such a forbidden thing? What’s so great about being alive?
I ask myself the same questions
I understand how you feel. I have been a Sr. Recruiter in Human Resources for about 23 years now and I can attest to the fact that ageism is a very real thing even in California, the state with the most employee friendly employment laws. I have been a victim of ageism myself but I perserved because I have to work to support myself. Companies can give multiple reasons as to why they may reject a candidate, the key is finding an ethical company that values its employees for their contributions and their past experience. It is definitely not hopeless, especially in this job market and there are a ton of very good ethical recruiters who will only evaluate you based on your skills and experience. It is unforunate because at 50 you still have a minimum of 15 good years still left to work and you are still young enough to have a great deal to offer a company. My advice is hang in there and do not give up. There is a shortage of good candidates right now and it is an employee market right now which means you have more bargaining power. Do not throw in the towel
It’s not happening here. Months of searching, hunger, despair. I am unskilled as well, so I have that to contend with. In other words, I’m fucked.
my life is worse
I am alive because I have this feeling that if I do it, I will have to come back and start all over. My life is even worse than yours
I hate my life. I feel like like world would be a better place if I didn’t exist on it. And it’s great for people and web sites to say “oh others know what you are going through” or “you don’t have to go through this alone” but it doesn’t take away from the pain of what you are going through. Everyday I wake up with no soul or spirit in me. I’m in high school and I see these happy couples walking around living life having a good time smiling having a happy life. And I just sit there knowing that I will never be one of those people because girls don’t notice the quiet gentle thoughtful guys like me who don’t go and play violent sports and talk about all that other stuff. I’m just a quiet gentle to myself kind of guy. But as I said people don’t notice guys like me. They use us as tools and throw us away when they are done and forget they even knew us. I want to live my life. But every where I go there is just darkness and unhappiness. I can’t tell anyone or call anyone because they may remove me from my home. And if I tell me mom she will hate me even more and she will go talk with the brother who does anything he can in his power to avoid me. I have no one and nothing to live for.
Oliver
I wake up everyday wishing that life would just end. I know that there isn’t anyone out their who cares about me or even notices me. I’m like a ghost who just goes around irritating people and who no one want to know. Even my brother does what he can to avoid me. I mean its great for all these websites to be like “people are experiencing what you are going through” or you have so much to live for. It’s great to say all that but honestly it doesn’t take away from the pain. Im lonely and everyday i see happy couples walking around smiling and having a good time. And i know that I will never be one of those couples. Girls go for the good looking loud bold guys. They never even notice the quiet helpful guys like me.
Oliver
Hello Oliver , I wanted to reply to you because I have a son that is nine months old and his name is Oliver .. I’m currently on this page trying to stay alive and convince myself that I’m worth the air I’m breathing . One of the questions above asked what would you say if someone came to you about this and I imagined my son just now saying what you Wrote … I can’t tell you why our lives are the way that they are , and I can’t tell you things will get better , but I can tell you that someone somewhere does care and is willing to hear you out . I care , I heard you , I see you too , you aren’t invisible . I’m sending a hug ❤️
I want to stab myself in the heart and every night when I go to sleep I have thoughts that are “I want to die” but I don’t. I want to live but my life is not living. I feel pathetic and worthless and I can find reasons not to kill myself. I feel like many of these articles are great for bringing people back from the bring but not to alleviate the feelings that my life has been a failure.
I hate myself because I expect so much better. I am so sad it makes me want to apologize.
I am going to stop doing drugs, including alcohol and marijuana. I say as I exhale smoke. Now. I know what I want to do but lack the strength, and unceaseingly disappoint myself. I’m using this as a text self-communication– and I already know!stop– I love you! Loves me. start getting up and doing yoga because I love you and I’ve got to go.
Found this very important and to the point and well explained and it’s not selfish but one feels so much rejection from their families and if you have not their love and hugs and kisses who have you I have Jesus Christ and … I have great friends and support from my church and I am going to be ok and I will try not to be acting on my thoughts as I don’t need to act on it just pray for guidance and support from my church and friends and I enjoyed talking with you tonight feeling much better after reading this article love Geraldine ❤️❤️
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I am hurting with pain and life been bad I am disable been for 20year plus I hate social security every day I fear being taken off don’t want to live like this anymore so I thinking of end it all and have been for a few years now most of my time I am thinking of my death
Pls don’t! Smoke a joint and watch a silly movie with some snacks! No one wants to end their life having this kind of fun
This article is one of the best pieces I’ve read regarding suicidal thoughts. I am a therapist by trade and have been struggling with the thoughts myself. I know the people around me want to help and just don’t know what to say- so they say the cliche phrases which have come to anger me- they aren’t helpful bc they are superficial- I honestly feel worse hearing them. Yet, I know they just don’t know how to respond.
I was in a serious car accident several months ago. I suffered a brain injury. While I was recovering, I lost my job, my apartment, my dog, my driver’s license, medical insurance, and my independence. I’m a fiercely independent person, so this has been particularly crippling. Since then, I’m mostly recovered from the traumatic brain injury, but am struggling to work due to lack of mobility from loss of my driver’s license. I did obtain insurance and was trying to gain medical clearance. I discovered that I developed a seizure disorder and due to all the stress, a heart condition. I reached out to a therapist.
I’m about to lose my Medicaid insurance, which puts all of my medical and mental health care in jeopardy. Without insurance, I fear I can’t recieve the help I desperately need right now. I’m currently depending on family to drive me places, as I live in a remote area w no public transit or services like Lyft or Uber.
I’ve become hopeless- everywhere I turn, I’m met w more fires to put out, more mountains to climb. I’m exhausted and scared. Without insurance, I’m unable to get the help I need- and my life depends on it. I realize suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem, but my life just seems to be getting worse.
You’re not alone. Some places offer therapy on a sliding scale depending on how much you make, so it can be affordable for everyone. I can’t work because of my depression and anxiety, so the place I go to (a church in my area) only charges $30 a session, and you don’t need insurance.
I found a link for you that lists some affordable therapy options. I hope it helps. https://www.healthline.com/health/therapy-for-every-budget
Reading about all your struggles shows me how strong you are. Every moment is a victory. And I know it’s so exhausting to keep fighting every day but I know you can do it.
Thank you for your kind words, Emily. I talked w my therapist for some options for insurance, as I need it for medical issues anyway.
This whole thing has taught me that there are resources out there- just have to look for them. Thanks for sharing the link!
It’s important to keep in mind that when things are difficult, we need to take it day by day, hour by hour, minute by minute. It helps to know there are kind and caring people like yourself out there.
I still wanna kms
my suicidal thoughts never changed…. i would rather go extinct than cause more problems
Sadness
Darkness
Cold
Screams
Empty
Lonely
Sorrow
My life is shit first of all my girlfriend who was btw my first real one leaves me.Then my best friend ditches me and eventually says he cant be seen with me.Also my mom takes my phone which is literally the only way i can talk to people who listen to me.She says to do stuff to earn it back i do it and she says she never said that SO i get mad and then she says”i was going to talk about it with ur dad but now im not so sure”.Then the teachers are getting on my fucking case (sorry for cussing)And its just so stupid i want to die i hope i get ran over and die this is really stupid it sucks i dont have the fucking guts to kill myself i can only hope theirs a shoot out and i get shot in the head or heart or some other vital Organ. this is stupid i really just want to die.and the worse part is that i miss the damn girl that fucking left me its stupid i miss her.oh and im 15
I lost my business, my home, my community of friends, and years of my life due to caring for a critically and terminally ill spouse for many years. I am underpaid for what I do, my parents have lost financial comfort due to my inability to make enough money to maintain my life at a reasonable level, I fell in love with a man who was supposed to be separated but is married and although he says he loves me – has no intention of leaving his marriage, my best friend turned on me recently, and I can’t get past it. I’m isolated and have only my dog, who is the only reason at all I haven’t killed myself. Thoughts of suicide are more and more comforting. I am overwhelmed with debt, tax issues, and being a burden on my parents. I really do just want to die, and I don’t think things will improve. I’m not depressed, I’m exhausted and the anxiety of my day to day life is crippling; I don’t know how much more I can take, and I don’t know how many more days of coping I have in me. I just need peace and security, and I know that I will never find it. Ever. I’ll never trust another human being as long as I live, and just want this all to end.
If i could afford therapy i would probably not need it. I applied for medicaid and was denied.
Wonderful words and thank you. My wife yells at me everyday that I don’t have a good enough job. Then we fight half the night. I really need help with this. Bless you
David Todd. Do u even know how lucky u r 2 still have ur wife in ur life??? My beloved husband Dave was murdered in Nov. Try that on 4 size honey. Appreciate ur wife. U never know when she’ll b taken from u!!!
Not exactly something you want to say to someone when they are going through a rough time. I’m sorry for your loss but right now, they are going through things too. It isn’t a competition on who has it worse.
David get a divorce if you’re that unhappy, or just straight up leave. Fuck her if she doesn’t appreciate what you already do. She can have nothing then. It’s either that or tell her you want a divorce because she treats you like shit and see where that goes. Be strong whatever you do.
[This comment was edited to abide by the website’s Comments Policy. – SF]
Hey David we might have the same wife or she as a twin sister…married 38 years and she hates my guts. But its not my time to to this world yet god has a plan for me and he has a plan for you .he knows what’s going in our lives..
Honestly don’t give her your time if she doesn’t appreciate you. You deserve better, hope you see better days :3 xoxo
I waited 16 years to be in a relationship and then the man turned out to be a dirty dog. Married and has about 25 other women.
I cannot believe this is happening in my life. I already had a few other problems and this just made it worse.
People use you and abuse you then they claim that they are these upstanding CHRISTIANS and the rest of us are devils and enemies.
Now know what fanatics are like. I have been put out in the cold just for asking are you a Christian then why do you behave so nasty to others. They claim I was attacking their Christianity.
Instead of recommending people with depression and sadness and extreme loneliness go to a therapist for DBT and CBT and any other bullshit therapy method and/or start taking addictive sometimes dangerous antidepressants, why doesn’t anyone ever tell the assholes in people’s lives who couldn’t give a shit about them to realize how much pain they are inflicting!
Not one of my 4 Daughters gives a shit about what happens to me! You are so concerned about preventing suicide. Why don’t advocates trying to keep people alive create resources for giving these people a reason to stay alive. Financial help with housing, lawyer fees for people living in poverty, calling out the family members for being heartless assholes, calling out abusive husbands who drop a wife after 20 years of marriage like a piece of trash.
Do you know what it’s like to sit alone day after day staring down the barrel of turning 60 years old with no friends or family that give a crap whether you end up living in a vehicle? And nobody wants to hear it. Nobody cares if your utilities are about to be shut off. Nobody cares that you can’t pay the mortgage because your soon to be ex is spending all his money on his girlfriend. Your daughters don’t care about all the love and care you provided for them growing up or the nights you stayed up taking care of them when they were sick. You list all these phone numbers and contact information we can call but are they going to call your grown children and tell them to do the right thing or tell your so called friends how many days you sit alone and cry? Or are they going to tell your stbx that he shattered your heart after you stood by him for 20 years or that you should have told him to take a flying leap when he called you after doing the same discard for 8 months? No, they won’t.
People’s lives suck and many of them are for reasons that can be fixed. Things like helping human beings to live with dignity and not having to beg for help with things like affordable housing, disability benefits at a rate that is above the poverty line instead of way below it. And how helpful do you really think it is to Baker Act someone because they are depressed because they are in an abusive marriage. It’s stupid laws like that which make people even more afraid to ask for help. If you want to help, stop treating every single person with depression with the assumption that they are mentally ill. It is society not caring about each other who are the ones with the mental illness. The net worth of the top 1% of the richest citizens in the U.S. should be enough to prevent anyone ever having to wake up in a panic because they cannot pay even half their bills. And this quote sums up why so many people are feeling like they just can’t fight it anymore. “As soon as you think you’re winning the rat race, along come faster rats.”
I had a therapist who supposedly specialized in treating trauma tell me to stop thinking about the past as a coping mechanism to begin healing from a lifetime of trauma. I don’t know where she received her education from but her diploma was surely straight out of a crackerjack box.
I am 100% alone, disabled and lost my 16 year career, and after raising a family, I am the loneliest I’ve ever felt in my life. If you have educated yourself sufficiently regarding depression, you know just those things alone cause depression and hopelessness soon follows and you know the rest.
While I agree with you completely, especially the part about the influence that mistreatment by beloved others and an indifferent society plays in hopelessness and depression, I am reminded by my experience that calling them out does nothing. If they cared they wouldn’t have caused the devastation in the first place. When I realized long ago that the agony I have experienced at the “hands” (sometimes literally) of others wasn’t personal–I didn’t rate that much thought–it nearly destroyed me. My mother didn’t tell me I would have been an abortion had it been legal to hurt me; it was just an offhand comment to her. When I finally worked up the courage to tell her how much it hurt every time she said it, it changed nothing. She was not ashamed or cowed or even defensive. She merely reminded me she did the best she could. It would have been easier to hear that she hated me and wished me dead…at least I would have rated that much regard. But I am, was and ever shall be irrelevant. I am only alive because I haven’t stopped breathing yet. Even God doesn’t notice.
You are 100% correct. No one freakin cares! Dreading the upcoming holiday season alone. Last year I told so many people I would be alone on Thanksgiving. Do you think ONE person thought to invite me to their house? Not one.
I’m currently seeing a Psychiatrist and psychologist for depression and anxiety. And recently I’ve become suicidal and think about or do self harm. I know I need help and I’ve tried to talk to my psychiatrist and psychologist about it but they have just brushed it off and don’t understand what I’m going through and how much I’m hurting. They are not helping me they are making my thoughts worse. What should I do????? I’m really really confused.
Maybe confide in a friend or family member. I personally suggest a best friend. Just remember if you leave things about what your feeling people may take it as BS.
For years I’ve been suffering with depression and anxiety behind closed curtains due to my rough past. I’ve been wearing a mask around showing people I’m tough, happy, and normal. But when I get home and can finally be myself, the terrible darkness of depression and anxiety takes over. Slowly the depression and anxiety have lead to suicide thoughts. Somtimes they are extremely bad causing me to have mentle breakdowns and do self harm. Other times the thoughts are mild and I only cry to myself. Recently the suicide thoughts have been occurring every single day. It’s like I’m fighting wars in my head. 5 months ago I started to see a psychiatrist’s and psychologists to help me with my depression and anxiety. Recently I’ve confessed to them about my suicidal thoughts. I did feel very light and relieved after opening up about it but the happy moment didn’t last long when by their words and actions I realised they didnt take it seriously and they weren’t going to. They don’t understand what’s it’s like for me. They don’t understand how unsafe I feel with my suicidal thoughts. They dont seem to understand what im going through and how i might acctually end up killing myself. The only proper advice they have given me is to do is the 12345 breathing excerises. Do they not realise that breathing may help my anxiety, my panick attacks etc. But it won’t help my desire to die nor change it. What should I do? Instead of helping me they are making things worse.
I’m a survivalist and a prepper and I hope everyone who is thinking about suicide will consider doing what I do before you kill yourself. As I read the comments here I see a lot of people expressing their difficulty in dealing with pain. I understand. Pain is horrible. But, I’ve seen it dealt with very effectively by good Dr’s. Unfortunately good Dr.s are very hard to find. Also, many commenters here express feelings of loneliness. I understand that too. But, survivalist/prepper groups are good cures for loneliness. I hope everyone here becomes a survivalist/prepper. There is a tough future ahead, but it’s worth thinking about and preparing for.
All I want to say,is I’ve thought about taking my own life for years. It’s over one thing. There are so many people who have such horrible tragedies in their lives daily. So many people who do without clean water,food, or a home. So many people who live in an area where you could be drinking coffee and talking with your friends and all of a sudden, everything and everyone around you is destroyed by a coalition air strike. So many people are enduring some type of physical,emotional, or sexual abuse. So …….many……….people. And I have already thought about how taking my own life would affect people who care about me unconditionally. I know that I am stupid,and selfish for even wanting to go through with such a thing. Life really is good. It’s amazing. But I think of suicide over the one thing that seems very hard for me to get. I know that thing is not that important. It’s just a matter of feeling like I can belong in this world, and not walk around empty and ashamed. There are so many better choices I can make besides suicide. There are so many ways I could make someone else’s life better in some small way even. But I’m wraught with inner sickness over the one thing missing from my life. I want out of here. I don’t want to do it. But in a few more years, I just might slip and walk out of this place, by my own hand. I know life is good. You can tell me that all day. But the one thing…….eats me up so bad,and it’s driving me insane. Bless and love you all. And much respect and peace. I sent a comment in here earlier,and don’t think I liked it too much,even though I cannot see it now. Maybe this one is a bit more clarifying. I am an artist,and I am too gifted to waste myself over stupid things I obsess about. But man……I want out of here so bad some days.
I totally know how you feel. I just want out of here.
What if the person just wants do die, no reason other than they hate life. The life they live is one many would die for but still doesnt change the mind. When I was 14 I was home alone and was done, I [attempted suicide]… After that I couldn’t build up the courage to go through all that again… I gave up on killing myself and have lived a life that should have killed me by now, lots of close calls but no jackpot. It’s been 30 years since [I attempted suicide] and not a day passes that I dont wish to die. I have a lot of fun in life mainly because I hate life and do things that I wouldn’t do if I were afraid to die yet I want to die so bad…
[Per the site’s Comments Policy, this comment was edited to remove graphic descriptions of suicide attempts and methods. — SF]
Wow it was like reading my own story!
I’ve spent my life alone,unable to get laid, can hardly laugh at life,as it just makes me feel constantly invisible, left out ,and angry. Everything else is completely awesome, and I am blessed. But everything in the world doesn’t matter when you can’t have the “one” thing. I will hang out for a while,but when I go out ,I know how I’m going to do it. And I am only going to take myself out. I have no desire to harm other ppl. I am sick of being surrounded by others who get what I cannot have. I know how selfish this makes me,but my anger makes it hard for me to feel remorse for who I will hurt emotionally, when I get the !@#$ out of this worthless excuse of a life. The one thing. That’s all I wanted. I can’t get it. Pills won’t substitute, God won’t substitute, and self love does NOT work.
Even when you have evrything. I still feel alone. Emptiness, sadness. I’m in my early stages of suicidal thoughts. The thought of the other side warms me. What feels like a escape from this realm, thinking about ending it seems more relieving than fighting it. I’m tired. I’m a coward for help. I continue to keep my emotions inside and locked up. I’m to prideful to say how I feel to others. Peace of mind is all I want. No more stress, depression, loneliness. I dont care about tomorrow. I dont care anymore.
Hi there
I have tried to kill myself as many times I can’t remember an yes I’m still here and I go through each and every day an night I am 44 years old but feel like I’m 90 I take 30 pills a day plus inject myself with insulin for diabetes so as you can see I have not long to live by my account
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I honestly feel sorry for everyone I have tried to end my life I took an overdose an the doctors saved my life an when I woke up an seen my daughters looking over me I felt very sad that my girls seen what I tried to do but since then my daughters are doing well for them selves some days are good for me but to b honest I don’t want to b here an all I do is pray to god for help he is the only one that can help us all
Thanks for some thoughts
I am sorry but this life is not worth it…I am a caregiver for my Brother who had a stroke…I am now broke, having spent thousand and thousand on therapy…I have spent three years in isolation because all “family” members where afraid of losing their lives and money as I did…Not even a phone call in all of that time…I am at an end so sorry to say sometimes life is not worth struggling for…
I’m facing extreme debt, every time I seek help it backfires on me or they want me to become a lab rat for pills. I have an SO who refuses to move in with me, refuses to listen to me or take into consideration my feelings regarding these matters. I have no children, I’m facing homelessness. My family hates me for one reason or another and refuses to help. I really think death by over dose or becoming a human bomb is the best way to go. I have nothing else to live for, and nothing else to gain or lose.
I pray every day and God don’t always show me the away I am living with my mom and I become a burden. My sisters pretending that they care but they don’t. I beg God to help me and show me a away out but I am still the same I have brain cancer and it is very very sad that no one cares. This world we are living is for only people who have money sad but it is the truth. my family is so. I don’t want to live in this world any more. I become a pain in their life. Family love you when you have money and healthy. I am not.
My life is over I have no one that loves me people and family don’t care because when someone is sick it become a pain.
no, I was just talking about how my friend was sad because he broke his earbuds. Thanks for reaching out to me incase I was either way,
There is nothing to live for both of my kids are gone.i can’t find a decent job.i am in debt.i lost my car today.i have nothing or no one.seems that every time i take a step forward then take ten steps backwards.it is not fair for my daughter to have to see me like this.i am a complete loser.
I dont have a situation i just think suicide is bad and you guys should keep up the good work.
Cameron,
Thanks for the supportive words! Many people who come to this site actually oppose suicide prevention, so I appreciate it when someone offers a balancing view.
I’m at the end of my road. This pain is quite unbearable for me to get help. I have been in a trance just thinking about it every day. Lately I’ve become a zombie and my girlfriend couldn’t give a shit. She enjoys seeing me this way. I will not be missed. Everybody makes fun of the pain I’m enduring. Boy it really sucks. My gf has really made me feel like nothing. If she only knew how evil she has been to me. The things that she posts online about me really makes me not want help. This has to happen. People can be so disgusting. I trusted her, now I trust no one. I feel numb, and I’m not afraid anymore. She will see the repercussions of her actions. I love my son dearly.
Very good info. The quotes will cause an individual to stop and think.
mY LIFE IS SOOOOOO F*** STRESSFUL AND MY PARENTS DONT DO SHIT FOR ME FEELING BETTER ABOUT MYSELF. IM GOING TO LIVE A VERY SHORT FUCKING LIFE!!!!!!!!! AND NO ONE CARES. THEY”RE ALL LIKE ‘you’re fucking 2, your life is so easy.” AND IT IS GOING TO MAKE ME DIE!!!!!!! I CANT STAND ANYTHING ANYMORE AND NO ONE BELIEVES ME! MY BRAIN IS MESSED UP AND I CANT FUCKING DEAL WITH THE STRESS ANYMORE!!!!!!!!
Anonymous,
I hope you will reach out to one of the places I list on the Resources page at SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp. There actually are people who care, and they’re available by hotline, text, online chat, or email. Please check them out.
I am 56.. I have meniere’s disease, which will cause me to go deaf sooner or later… I have pain in my leg and hip that hurts all the time… I have nobody.. no family.. no children.. no friends.. I haven’t had sex in 7 yrs.. no woman wants me.. I now have ED… so I can’t have sex at all. If I died today.. nobody would find my body until the manager to my crappy apartment came looking for the rent. I’m tired of this life… I hurt all the time… every time I take a step I hurt. I have no money.. I live on a 10$ an hour job and I can’t afford health insurance… I’m depressed.. and can’t afford therapy or a psychiatrist.. or any kind of medication. There is NOTHING for me to live for.. things won’t get better they just keep getting worse for many YEARS… I want to die… I know deep inside sooner or later I will end this.
I’ve read a lot of comments here but identified most with yours for a number of reasons; including age (I’m even older) and hearing loss and other aspects. I think I feel a lot of what you are experiencing. But you and I are resilient, no matter how bad it gets. It’s been 7 years for you but what if someday, due to whatever unexpected situation or circumstance, you do get to hold a woman’s hand warmly again and perhaps even kiss her – that will be enough for me even if it takes a long time. I’ll hang on for that if you will.
Im homeless handicapped dont know what to do before ending things can’t take many more nights in street
Chuck, Where do you live?
Yes i am
My wife has left taking the kids I got depressed and had time off work and tried the mental health team in work but they said I need to want help and told me to contact if need be. I felt judged and alone and a couple of weeks later work sacked me and now I’m guna loose my house. I have no family or friends and don’t believe in hurting myself as I seen my disabled mother do it to herself countless times, unfortunately I can’t stop thinking about it. I can’t ask for help as it will affect my trade I have done for 14 years and claiming sick won’t help with my mortgage. I get the government shouldn’t pay my mortgage but I have worked my ass off since leaving school and this is the first time I need the government to help me and they pay me £232 per month what is a struggle to live alone let alone pay bills
I cannot believe that I am posting here. But I am really struggling. I have been dealing with an injury for about a year. Had 2 back surgeries and now am unable to walk without assistance. I was working light duty in the office and was offered 3 jobs by different departments. About a month before my surgery on 6/1, I accepted a wonderful position. My dream job. Low stress. Great pay. Helping others. M-f 8-5. I have run out of FMLA days so my employer has posted for my position.
The thing that keeps reinforcing these feelings of hopelessness, loneliness, not really mattering, is my inability to move and do normal things due to pain. It is not the pain itself, but the limits that my body has dictated to me. I am terribly lonely and isolated. I have actively reached out to friends, but they are so busy with their families and lives. I just cannot keep living like this. I have nothing. I watch Netflix, read, sleep a lot, snack just to pass time. I don’t know what to do or how to make it better. I am so incredibly sad and exhausted. It sucks.
Reading this helped me a bit tonight. I feel very selfish for my thoughts and actions of self hatred. If my loved ones knew what I do to myself they would be heartbroken. I hate myself for this too.
Reasons are personal, you cannot answer.
I now have horrible back pain, possibly a disc problem. I can barely walk it’s so bad. I will not be able to work like this. Tell me again that life is “precious.” I would love for “depression” to be my trouble now. Whatever mental problem you are going through, be glad you are not in physical agony.
Many are facing both, and the depression is piled onto the physical pain. When you get to that place, it is the depression that takes center stage. Beware your judgement of others.
For me, pain is far, far, far, far greater than “depression.” Beware of YOUR judgments of others.
I really want to die i lost my wife and kids ..cause of stupidity.
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David,
I’m sorry to hear you’re suffering like this. Please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255 (TALK), texting the crisis text line at 741-741, or checking out other resources at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I too can only answer “nope.” What is my crime? I’m old. Dreams of having someone to love are past. My child would be happy to reap any financial benefits without having to talk to me.
Too many people close to me have already died. My past dreams have no point to them at this age. If I did not wake up in the morning, the biggest concerns would be someone to cover my shift and getting my body to the VA for disposal.
I don’t feel overtaken by unwanted thoughts, I am just still breathing after being thrown away by anyone that might have mattered and no longer know why I bother to be breathing.
Why would I try to encourage someone else not to commit suicide? Because maybe their life is not as bleak as mine? Maybe they are younger, still have places to go and people to love them. And because we are not supposed to agree with their thoughts of suicide outwardly, even if inside I really might.
Why haven’t I yet? Cowardice? Because I keep trying to convince myself something good might happen? I don’t really know.
I will agree, if you’ve just hit a rough patch and still have people who love you, it doesn’t make sense to leave early.
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To other posters, be aware that comments are edited, and I wasn’t even rude. So you can’t be sure about what is left out of a comment.
Lisa,
Thank you for bringing this to readers’ attention. I do the same in the Comments submission box, where I invite people to view the Comments Policy before submitting a comment. There, I list many reasons why a comment might be edited.
If you’d like to view the policy without clicking on a link, please see https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/comments-policy/.
Also, if you’d like to understand my rationale for limiting the content in some comments, please see my post Speaking Of Suicide … Within Limits.
Thanks, too, for your engagement with the site.
Lisa,
You clearly are hurting, and it sounds like you feel hopeless, too. It’s painful. I hope you will consider reaching out to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255 (TALK), the Crisis Text Line at 741-741, or other resources listed at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I am thinking of ending my life….I have the means….just need to act on it.. my marriage is all but over….the words just need to be said…I was stopped as a suspected shoplifter a few months ago but was able to run off…I feel so stupid in myself, but I did do it…I don’t know why. probably going through the change, but I have let my self down..I am over weight….and so unhappy….can see no future… except for my beautiful dogs…what would happen to them if I just did it?
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Dee,
It’s clear from your words that you feel shame and hopelessness. I hope that you will talk to someone about what you’re experiencing – if not a therapist, doctor, or minister, then someone at a hotline or other resource. I’ve listed on the Resources page places you can get help by phone, text, email or chat.
You’re never too old to receive love and have other people love you…I’m sure you’re worth more to people living than being dead. Give yourself a chance, if anything God loves you and wants to see you live and enjoy life….give yourself more of a chance to heal and get better, you need help to get better, give yourself that chance, you re certainly worth it to me!!! God bless you!!!
The sad answer for me is..”nope” to it all?
Im related to important people in our government but didnt make the cut because i have autistic nuances…..so ive been ostracised by my family
If someone came to me with my problems i would cry with them but there is no hope…not when you have no control of your life and dreams. This prob sounds insane as you can see. So im not going to get any successful counseling. I hope you help someone that has a chance they just cant see..its very kind you wrote article good luck to you.
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I’ve been suffering with suicidal thoughts, feelings, attempts (that cannot be explained), PTSD, rejection, manic depression and stress. Not to mention health issues brought on by heavily use of illegal drugs and alcohol.
Lately, past 5 plus years, of not properly actually, stopping all of my daily maintenance scripts I’m “supposed” to take in order to live. Family that won’t acknowledge my existence unless I contact them first. Friends who dont want to hear me out when I do reach out for help. Both family and friends welcome me when face to face til I confront them on the hateful lies they’ve spoke of or started. Which in turn has completely ruin any chance of a relationship or companionship.
I ask you this, why should I fight to live when in some way shape or form, everyone knows somebody that has ties to me?
One last thought cause I already can sense the boring same shit different day with same smell you’re thinking. You a stranger to me, just proved a point that has not left my mind well before 5 years ago.
If by some unknown unexplainable reason you should feel an overwhelming need to reach out, save it. Been down this valley of death path no one wants but I have no choice but to take it.
I hate that I’ve become this way. No one wants to deal with the Monster they created. Just once I’d like to be thought of, believed in, trusted in but, most of all, an honest to goodness feeling of returned love.
I hate life of getting bullied and Hated by People in Higher Grades then me.
Oh I wish I could go back to when I was your age listen nothing that’s happening to you right now or anytime in your life matters at all! So 1st don’t be afraid to say anything or be made fun of for acting crazy! Trust as someone who was molested as a child by a friend of the family then tormented on the daily by a group of girls at school in middle school my entire 7th year was a nightmare… listen to this bit of knowledge and take it to heart live like youre gonna be dead tomorrow! Start living like that person it’s awesome I’m 31 and I just figured this out! Don’t waste your entire life worried what others may think about you! Who cares what they think! Why does their opinion carry any weight! I’m assuming you’ve told the teachers and principal multiple times? Right? If not go to them and say hey listen you have two options one make these pricks stop bullying me or i will hurt them period I’m done with their BS! I’m done understand be a pure smart ass about it if you’ve reported these clowns multiple times.
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I think I’m becoming suicidal. I think I’m becoming depressed. I say I think, because I believe I’m faking it. I’ve always thought about death as a little kid; what it would be like to die, but that’s normal. Every bone in my body believes I’m faking it.
I have a voice that points out every mistake, but its me saying it, I can stop or say back no it’s not that big of a deal. It’s my fault this is happening, but it keeps happening. There’s no reason I should feel like this. I’ve had a good life, everyone says I’m spoiled.
I’ve begun to think about hurting myself or killing myself. Almost everyday, but there’s no “venom” in the thoughts. Just like, what if I hung myself? Grabbed a knife? Took all the pills? But, I don’t mean it I’m just faking it, I wouldn’t do it.
I feel like if I told anyone they would just think I’m doing it for attention. That’s what I have to be doing this for, right?
There’s also a littler thought that’s saying this is real. I don’t believe it. I don’t want to bother anyone with something that’s fake. Even then, I keep researching about this to see if anyone is like me. Even then, I feel horrible for feeding myself a lie. Even then, I feel horrible for posting this. I’ll probably delete it or maybe I won’t get far enough to even post it. Who knows.
I’ve been getting worse at controlling my emotions used to never cry even when I got screamed at. Now I’ve been crying at night for no reason at least every two or three weeks. Sometimes there is a reason, but the people that are the reason for it act like nothing is wrong, so I shouldn’t react so badly.
I shouldn’t post this. There’s no reason to. I’m just exaggerating everything.
I know what you mean by there being no “venom ” in the decision about committing suicide.
I’m sitting here with my kids here in the house watching tv and talking with friends and my wife is watching and laughing at one of our favorite shows .Unfortunately all I am feeling is empty and hallow and wishing it was all over for me . I don’t want to hurt them and don’t think I am doing this to “get back at them” I just feel like I’m done . Done with the pain from my accident ,done with not being able to do the things I did before ,done with sitting up all night alone in pain ,done with putting on a happy mask for everyone else .It is not a choice I am making due to a need to be mean to everyone else but a need to be at peace within myself
I have done the therapy thing ,the drug thing ,even tried self medicating with alcohol and my meds and pain pills in an attempt to find relief . it doesn’t work and I feel that I am just spinning my wheels every day just putting in time as nothing seems to bring any joy or interest any more . The hobbies I used to distract myself now just point out what I can’t do for myself anymore , tired of doing those things not because I enjoy doing them but it is what everyone around me expects to see me doing certain things at a given time ,so I do them more for their peace of mind than mine .
I feel that I am just living every day because it is what everyone in my life expects from me and not for any thing I seem to benefit from it just becomes another day wearing my mask , a mask that doesn’t protect me or to hide behind but it is just something I do to make everyone around me feel at ease .As everyday passes it gets easier to put my mask on every morning just like clean socks ,just make sure that everyone else is at ease ,right.
I wish I could end this miserable thing I call life…. If I do not stop this feeling maybe I will try to kill myself but I do not want to survive and it will cause me to be brain damaged and then I be a burden on others I have had enough of this dam life enough
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Don’t be upset-you are not alone. I did [attempt suicide]. Nothing gets better. Fucking hardship keeps going.
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To be honest, it does not sound like you understand the mentality of people dealing with suicidal feelings. We don’t want to die but we can’t seem to stop the thoughts from sneaking in. It’s like a terrible person lives deep in my brain just waiting to surface when I am arguing with my husband or dinner goes wrong. It’s not “I live for” or “hope” I am lacking. It is the ability to tell that demon that I don’t want it there. I need to be alone, yet am terrified that I will not win the battle with demon if I am. You don’t know what it feels like to sit in a room desperate to silence the noise in you head while pretending to be ok even happy. You also don’t know what it feels like to need someone to recognize how broken you feel instead of quietly working around you as not to upset you more. My house is silent now… beds being made, dishes washed, people not making eye contact Yet my head is screaming, saying all kinds of terrible things about the person I am… the monster in me. While your attempts are valid, you don’t understand the battle. Everyone on this page is fighting a silent battle like this, we have talked, we have talked until we are blue in the face and yet somehow it is still there. Do I think I will take my life… not today but I worry that one day it will get the better of me. I know I am strong, I know I have will power. I am winning right now but I also know that the same mind that has fought this for so long has created it. Does it have the same strength and will power? Will it always lurk in the shadows waiting for it’s moment to take hold? Imagine fighting this demon for months at a time and finally thinking you beat it… only to find it has grown stronger. It has attached to your fear, loneliness and stress. It is winning!
Anonymous,
You are not the first person to state that I clearly have no experience having been suicidal, and no doubt you will not be the last.
You are wrong.
Comments such as yours often make me feel defensive, as if I need to prove my bona fides. But now they just make me curious. Why would one make such an assumption?
I wonder if it’s hard to believe that I could have felt desperately suicidal at one point and later established a stance of hope. After all, you state that I don’t understand the battle. Is it incomprehensible to you that I understand the battle all too well and still fight on the side of life?
Perhaps it is precisely because I have fought that battle – and am still alive to tell about it – that I feel moved to share war secrets with others who fight it still.
As for your own battle, I hope suicide does not win. I hope you will keep fighting, despite the demoralization and hopelessness that can take hold. Please take a look at the resources at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp for allies who can help you by phone, email, text or online chat.
Thank you for sharing here.
Wow that it absolutely correct anonymous.! I couldn’t have said it any better! Because you understand so precisely is why I feel better in the one moment. Thank you.
if i have permanent damage from attempting i’ll just attempt again. where do i see myself in the future? dead. that’s where. some of these things are not useful.
If you have permanent damage from attempting suicide, you likely won’t have the ability to try again. The current medical paradigm in this country (assuming that you live in the US) is to make as much money as possible. You might be kept alive as a vegetable indefinitely thus being a burden on tax payers.
The other possibility is that you will be conscious but living in a hell where you can’t function like a normal human being. You might even have your brain together, but not be able to communicate anything to others.
This is what has kept me from suicide so far. I have a PhD in neuroscience. Believe me, I don’t care to live, but the extraordinary possibilities of what might come of an attempt keep me from it. Think about it.
I understand what you are trying to do, but I really resent it. I have been dealing with depression my entire life. I just turned fifty, and with twenty years of not having dated and feeling terribly lonely, I am diagnosed with stage two cancer. I am sick to my depth about the state of the planet and our failing to honor nature, and I am nauseous about the election of the Trump. Every day depresses me more and more, and I fail to see a reason to go on. I have no family, and no close friends. I recently spent five weeks in Spain, and have not been able to readjust to the US condition (I.e., what to do in the case of a shooting). The ideals of my country are dead, and so I care to be.
The problem is… when you never finished before cause you are afraid of pain but then you hurt yourself and can handle it. So what can make me not do it now? Because honestly, hope is something that disappeared from my life a long time and I’m tired to wait the new shit that will come tomorrow or to annoy the life of other ppl. Also it’s insane when you said to someone how you’re feeling and ppl think you’re faking, even knowing you don’t like to share your feelings. Makes me feel that nobody cares dude…
Sometimes there is no hope
I agree.
i want to die
Pablo,
I’m very sorry to hear that. Please go to http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp for a list of places where you can get help 24/7 by phone, text, or online chat.
My husband mentally tensed me every time and his nature I can’t tolerate I am going in depression slowly slowly..so I want to commit suicide
Mohíni, are you living in a country where you can divorce your husband? If so, I would highly advise it.
If not, please post, and we can think of other options.
i really cant bear to see my pathetic existence anymore.I cant help but want to die.Its been so long i want to end this.
i am so very sorry you are hurting, i understand. i have suffered with depression and suicidal thoughts for many years, it hovers constantly , foreboding, waiting to overpower me. 2 years ago my 44 year old daughter took her life, leaving behind 5 heartbroken and extremely confused sons 12-26. it opened my eyes to the carnage and torment left after we end our own life. my struggle continues and its exhausting, however, i now see clearly that i would only be continuing the cycle for those i love if i chose to end my life.
sincerely, esther
I just left a positive comment but I wanted to add that the photograph that represents this page is
powerfully evocative of just how I often feel and
probably of how many others feel
so thank you for that as well :- )
Thank you for this insightful positive post. It provides such thought-provoking ideas I’m sure it will help me “those” days and times. Thank you again!
P.S. How I found it was a combination of miraculous serendipity and caring deeply about all the things and human intentions that are destroying our beautiful life-affirming and
life-sustaining Earth.
I have asked for help in the past and several times the people counselors pastors etc turned out either to have an agenda or hit on me or gave terrible advice that set me up for failure and then told me it was my choice. I believe I am going to Hell no matter what I do and two things keep me going. Spite for the people who want me dead and fear of torment in the afterlife.
I been thinking of suicide many times this year, sometimes a dozen times in one day. My situation in life is very difficult. Am 43 years old, single parent, a high school graduate only and unemployed. I have a 13 years old special child son diagnose with autism, who is actively hurting me physically, he is an abusive and violent child, very difficult to handle, physically, mentally and emotionally. Aside the fact that I am also taking good care of my 95 years old father. God give me 2 hopeless and helpless, vulnerable human beings that needs constant care daily. He entrusted these two vulnerable beings in to my care, even if he knows that am broke and unemployed. Am feeling hopeless and helpless, I feel like…life is too unfair! While reading here of other peoples reason of wanting suicide…I realized that some people here only have little problems compare to mine yet they think the solution to their problems is suicide, ironic indeed! Not until when you are in my shoes, you will realized how my life is pretty mess up…As for those who have terminal illness and who are suffering physically, they shouldn’t be tortured for long with their predicament! I just wished every country will have laws to give Euthanasia or assisted death to those who are suffering severely physically and mentally, so that the torture will put to stop! No one should suffer longer in this life. I just want to remind everyone that if you are suffering from loneliness, not able to have a family, wife, girlfriend or boyfriend, bankruptcy, or endless debt. Your problem is little compared to mine. The reason why I keep myself alive until today is because my autistic son needs me, my 95 years old father needs me, and I don’t want my 4 siblings to suffer guilt in their entire life because I kill myself. My 4 siblings are living a good lives, I don’t want to destroy that! Am happy for them and I don’t want to ruin that for my being a coward. I will die fighting! And I will resist suicide thoughts to the very end!
It is very unfair to judge someone else’s situation and say that their problems are nothing compared to yours. It is difficult to compare your situation with anyone else’s because all you know is your specific situation and well all have different levels of tolerance. There is no irony at all here. You have to ask yourself why are you unemployed? Why did you only finish high school? Why is the one person in your family least capable of caring for your father the one who is expected to care for him? Why is your ex girlfriend or ex wife not helping you with your autistic son? It appears that your situation is more a matter of people abandoning you and ignoring their responsibilities and bad decisions on your part than it is bad luck. In addition, if your siblings are so well off why aren’t they helping you with your son or with your father? I can see why you are not considering suicide, you have a no reason to. I commend you for shouldering these enormous responsibilities in your present situation, Most people that speak of suicide on this site have suffered long term tragedies throughout their entire lives, they suffer from low self esteem, suffered through traumatic childhoods of abuse both sexual and physical, abandonment from their parents, or worked hard throughout their entire lives just to suffer brutal defeats again and again through no fault of their own. I agree that a lot of our bad luck is brought upon by our own bad decisions, but a lot people suffer tragic events and incredibly bad luck through no fault of their own. These are the people that I am speaking of, those individuals who work hard everyday, do well in school and graduate from college, have careers or good jobs, and do whatever they can for their loved ones and put their own needs aside for others, and who still suffer from depression, loneliness and abuse. Those who are never appreciated and who are taken advantage of and who are made to feel less than worthy or like they are not human. In this world there are people who put the bare amount of effort into everything that they do and they are fortunate enough to have been born either rich so they do not have to work, or born beautiful and who may earn a living as a model or another career that is entirely dependent on the lucky hand that they were dealt at birth. We live in a society where young, beauty and money rein supreme. It is unfair that some people are bestowed gifts that others can only dream of. I believe that we are all given our crosses to bear and some people’s crosses are much heavier than others. I also believe that we are here to prove ourselves, will we succumb to the weight and the burden of our crosses and end our lives because we are too weak to overcome our problems or we will perservere? This is all dependent of course if there is such a place as heaven or hell. If it is not true and it is all a fairy tale that we tell ourselves to help us make it through our lives or give meaning or justification to our lives. In the end what was all of our suffering for? Will we be rewarded with eternal life after we die or do we just suffer and then fall into the black abyss of death? Is all life random? Do some of us just lead incredibly undeserved, charmed lives and do others lead never ending tragedy laden lives and then when we die is it just over? I believe that life is a lot more random, and some times we cannot make the best of our respective situations. The shit clouds have to land somewhere and for some incredibly unfair reason they just seem to land on some of us repeatedly throughout our lives. Some of us are born with the innate ability to withstand tragedies and bad luck in our lives, and can still maintain a positive outlook, and then there are others born with mental or physical illnesses that preclude us from being able to weather the never ending storms that seem to beat down upon us most days. It is so hard to say if one person’s life is worth the effort or not, We aren’t all meant to be here, some of us really were mistakes and I believe that might be the reason that we do suffer so much, maybe it is because we were never meant to exist on this planet and we were not equipped to weather the storms that life thrusts upon us. In the animal kingdom only the strong survive and prosper and the weak suffer and die off, The weak only burden society so maybe we are meant not to survive, maybe that is the meaning of life, so many of us are incapable of overcoming our failings and weaknesses so maybe we should do society a favor and check out early. Eventually the light at the end of the tunnel goes out because there is no light, we tried and we failed, so why not end the losing game of life early, and be a good loser. I don’t want to sound pitiful but as human beings we need to know when to throw the towel in and to be able to say, I have had enough, I don’t want to play a game that I am not equipped to win anymore. I no longer want to be a burden upon my family or society or bring other people down with my pessimism. I have held on to a life that has been little more than a disappointment to me for 52 years, maybe the honorable thing to do is to just check out. Happiness and contentment have eluded me my entire life, and maybe it is because I was never meant to be happy or content. I love my daughter and my husband more than words could ever express and I would do anything for them, but I believe with all of my heart that neither one of them will care if I just wasn’t here one day. I spoiled them both so much that they show little to no appreciation for me and I would have loved to felt appreciated or valued at least once in my life, and I am too weak and too sensitive to have been able to overcome that. I doubt that anyone will care and they might even thank me for it one day and I might actually receive the appreciation and love that I have longed for all of these years.
I can relate to your post.I’m 34 single mother of 2 kids. I have a doctorate and cannot find a job. I have a quarter of a million dollars in student loan debt. I lost both parents this year, and on the brink of homelessness and bankruptcy. The company I stayed loyal to over 10 years decided to make a BS policy that I can’t work any more because of some new credentials since the field is too competitive. Once upon a time there was a light at the end of the tunnel, but it’s burned out. I was once filled with so much hope and wanted to do great things in this world and help people, but now my life is ruined. I think someone may have put a curse on me. Also suffered throughout life with various forms of abuse and found out sadly that so called friends of mine couldn’t be trusted. Then my teenage son has turned into a disrespectful horrible person overnight and I don’t know what to do. I’ve let myself go and I have have had a rare autoimmune disorder for the past 20 years with no cure. This is all the tip of the iceberg. I should have written a book. I have tried so hard to do the right things, work hard, pray, be optimistic, seek out resources and do everything in my power to fix everything. Nothing is working. I’m starting to wonder if it’s true when they say some of us only exist to serve as a warning to others. I’m trying to hold on but not sure for how much longer I can keep pushing. I’m mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and financially drained and hopeless.
The beginning of this article is everything you should not say to someone suicidal. So thanks for that.
After reading this I would like to tell you why I want to die, because I have lived the life I needed to I am content with dying. Would it not make sense for us to get ready for the end? It’s going to happen. Suicide shouldn’t be looked at as a way out when times are hard because that’s what people are and have heard it as. Suicide should be the game over you won. Not I quit fuck this game. Life isn’t special I’m sorry to say but look at the universe as a whole until we prove it to be special it’s not. Death to me is the goal. Because it’s what drives us. What makes us who we are and we don’t realize it. If you feel comfortable and ready to die you should be able to choose that. When I play a game and I finish it I put the controller down and do something else. I don’t waste 20 years . We don’t know what happens when you die, therefore suicide cannot be a bad thing or a good thing we just don’t know to put it simply.
If we can teach kids that suicide is not a way out card it’s a move on to the next level when you finish, it might not happen as often. I say might because no proper testing has been done. I hope my story not only makes sense but helps anyone. For negitive or positive.
I am so scared. I’ve invested all my savings to do a masters abroad and then find a job abroad, travel the world and start my own business, but it’s just not working out because I can’t find a job anywhere and am walking up to one after the other immigration rule. I’ve worked so hard for this. My graduation will be in a couple of months and I’m running out of finances too. I’m desperate. 95% of the young people in my country will never have this opportunity that I’ve had and 80% will never travel outside of the country because financially it’s just not possible. I know I took a lot of risk, but I didn’t expect it to be so difficult since I am a flexible articulate person. I have always reached every goal I’ve set myself to in life and I am a big dreamer. My life is so dark right now, I don’t see how life can ever get better after this if I have to return to square one and face the possibility of my dreams always being out of my reach. There is a fire burning inside of me to climb and climb in my life that I just cannot quench since I’ve been small. I’ve always been determined to go after what I want. I have never been so scared. I’ve never had a free ride. I come from a poor family and worked myself up on my own. They couldn’t help me. My only solution to overcome all these immigration rules is to marry a guy whom I don’t care about at all in this country that I’m in (he knows I don’t love him, but doesn’t care), but it goes against everything that I am and just the thought of this guy touching me and me having to be dependent on him by law for years fills me with apprehension( I don’t like being dependent). He wants to marry me and have children. I’ve been stressed for months, I’ve lost weight. I’ve tried every way possible to solve this situation, but this guy is really the last resort. He is not a bad person though, but I know we just don’t fit because he is lazy and there’s just no intelligent conversation one can have with him. He is in his forties and can’t cook and doesn’t know how to wash his own clothes. I don’t blame him for anything. He is who he is and this is my problem. Getting into sth with him would break me mentally, so that maybe I don’t even get to follow my dreams anymore. I am a hardworking, dedicated person and very ambitious, but for the first time in my life it seems like I’m pounding against ceiling after ceiling and I just see no way out. I feel like I will never reach my dream of doing a second masters abroad or a phd, meet intelligent, ambitious people/ guys that have travelled the world, that I can learn from, eat at fancy restaurants, learn learn learn grow and above all start my own multimillion dollar company in a developed country, just because of where I was born.
That sounds like some story just keep your head up and try to do your best don’t ever give up try to keep following your dreams and try to keep believing there’s hope this is Donald I’m 47 years old my dreams was to be married at a young age and to be when a nice pretty woman with a good heart I wanted to have children someday I wanted to have a good job and a nice home and live happily ever after when I got 47 things went downhill after I graduated I had a dream of working in a trade school TV VCR repair and it never happened my dreams got tarnished of gotten away and I feel like I just can’t win back what I lost which was my only hope of becoming something special I feel like I lost hope in my life and I feel old and hopeless and I can’t seem to win catch a break I try my best and I keep coming up empty I just don’t know what to do maybe it’s just not meant to be for me maybe I’m never going to have nobody maybe I’m just not good enough I’ve always felt ugly and old and always felt like it’s too late for me to find that special someone and have a nice family and get married have children and be happy but I don’t see that happening and it hurts me I just feel like giving up I feel like there’s no hope in my life I am a hard worker I do my best but it seems it’s never good enough
Donald,
What you describe is so sad and painful. You gave great words of hope to S. but it sounds like you don’t believe it for yourself.
I hope you will consider talking to someone about what you’re going through. Go to http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp for a list of places where you can talk with someone by phone, email, text or chat.
Thanks for sharing here. I think it will help others who feel similarly to see that they are not alone.
Hey Donald, you will be fine! I can promise you that you will find somebody. Throw off your insecurities and you will be able to approach women (and life in general) in another way. You are still quite young and men can have children even at an advanced age. So that is a plus. The only way you won’t find somebody is if you don’t want to! Everybody can find someone. Just know that relationships are not easy, they come with highs and lows. Some days you won’t even know where you stand in a relationship. You just go with the flow. In my case it’s just that guys want to try and take advantage of me and use me because of my situation without giving me certainty, but mostly: i have limited time! One month to go now with my current finances basically which is no time at all. I’m currently dating someone else, my age. A nice and independent guy. I do like him to be honest. We have good conversations. We challenge each other. We are attracted to each other too. We cuddle and watch movies together at his home. But even though he likes me he doesn’t like my situation,.. He told me in my face. He gives me no certainty at all while he knows my situation and I understand also. It’s not fair of me to ask anybody to get involved in my problem and it puts a certain pressure on the relationship. He might doubt my motives for saying I like him and I don’t know how to explain or ask him what he thinks without coming on like a shallow person. I’m scared and ashamed. So I’m staying in agony and starting to doubt whether this will work out either. I ditched the other guy after my suspicions were confirmed: he never left his parents home and everything he has is not his. They belong to his parents. Even the car that he drives! He discusses every decision with his parents. He’s in his 40’s. Mostly I was scared of his parents and the fact that they allow and foster this unhealthy situation and I would have to go and live with them. Anyway, Donald, I have seen people whom you wouldn’t expect ( not taking hygiene properly etc..) get into relationships, people in their 50’s with children gathering themselves together after divorce and finding somebody even in their worst situation. There is literary no way you will stay single all your life if you don’t want to. Try to find a way to provide for a woman. If you have a roof above your head, a means of transportation and an income( even if it might not be much) you are already off to a good start. Not all women are demanding or looking for a rich guy or a George Clooney. Women look for an independent man who can give them a sense of security or protection. Get out there and start dating. Take care of yourself. Maintain a good hygiene and go to places where you might meet the type of woman you are looking for. Smile to her. Give her compliments. Offer to take her out to dinner or for a coffee. It doesn’t matter if things don’t work out with one. You don’t take it personal and try again. Over and over. If a woman doesn’t want your attention let her be. Somebody will appreciate you at some point. (Don’t get angry because it scares women). If you can’t find what you are looking for, travel. You might meet a nice woman abroad. Traveling will make you a more attractive person too. Think out of the box. If it’s insecurities you have over your body maybe you should consider certain cosmetic procedures too?? There is nothing shameful and shallow about it if it’s a self esteem issue. I know people whose breasts had lost their firmness. They did surgery for their self confidence and they don’t regret it. They shine after that. People get braces for crooked teeth or surgery to get rid of excessive skin after losing weight. So you have lost nothing.
And regarding your job/ career/ financial situation you can solve that too! Really ( I think you live in the USA??) it’s not easy, I know. But try to shift your mindset. Find your passion! The USA is the only country in the world that fosters any and every talent of any individual. In the USA a cook can become a millionaire, even a cleaner. In many other countries people their talent die and whither away because they never will be able to live off it let alone become a millionaire. They have to survive. That makes the USA one of the best countries in the world. Go on the internet and read articles about how to improve your career/ financial life or how to follow your passion. They are free. Buy books. Follow (financial) influencers on social media or those who have the same passion as you. Read read read and educate yourself. You’ll be fine.:). Keep your chin up and love yourself. That is the first step. Everything else will follow naturally.
But every man wants a pretty wife. No good if you’re an ugly woman. And it’s not just relationships that are affected, work prospects are diminished too. And people ignore you or treat you badly sometimes even before you say anything, and no one will listen and you can’t prove it or get help. This is my situation. Perhaps the universe/evolution is telling me I shouldn’t be here. I certainly feel worthless. I’m about to quit the job I had worked towards for 20 years cos I am treated so badly and my hard work is overlooked or unsupported. That was my whole life. I have no family or friends I can talk to. Counsellors have been unhelpful and I’m not depressed this is reality. I can’t sleep. 3 people I know have killed themselves this year and they were all so much better and well loved than me, so why wouldn’t I?
Good food for thought
Truly though have you ever experienced a pain or deadness that makes you feel suicide would actually be a relief?
Yes, I have been there. You can read a piece of my story in my essay, “A Suicide Therapist’s Secret Past.”
I’m sorry you’re experiencing suicidal thoughts, and all that is triggering them. I hope you will check out the Resources page at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp for places where you can talk with someone by phone, text, chat or email.
I won’t make believe that I understand your situation. I won’t sit here and pretend that I know you. Because it’s been done more then a groupie at a Motley Crue concert.
What I will say is this. Everything and I meant EVERYTHING! Is relevant. Two things can happen to two different people and it affect them the same or differently. I say this because it seems people seem to forget the people around them and instead solely focus on themselves.
But this isn’t being selfish. You are entitled to this. Focus on yourself. If you need space, take it. If you need reassurance ask.
I know this seems like I don’t understand and to a degree, I don’t. I only know what I myself go through. You do deserve life. And a better one at that. I hope that anyone who reads this can take something at least semi positive.
I would think most people would not want to talk with anyone because I’ve always been told if you say you want to kill yourself, the necessary thing to do is call 911 on them. No one wants that, sometimes a person needs to figure out how to find some hope. I’ve read your information & think it’s helpful, or could be helpful. So I suppose the information provided could at least provoke someone to at least tell someone how they are feeling. I think support, of a close nature, considering there’s someone in their life they are able to share with, would be a good idea.
Thank you for your information.
My girlfriend knows how I feel and has asked me to get help. Which I will not. Maybe it’s just the way I am… always have been… I will solve this problem on my own. Whether I solve my problem or kill myself…. I have solved my problem. I think that life is overrated, as horrible as that seems to say… or write. You know, some people love the struggle in things; Let me go through hell rather than around it… that sort of thing. If life is a struggle, and you aren’t up to it anymore and, most importantly, don’t see that changing… why perpetuate it. I don’t know. To be honest, I wish I had the guts to kill myself…finding that strength.. or bravery (or “cowardice”as my girlfriend likes to call it) is my daily struggle right now.
I wish I had the guts too I’m so lost in my head
Cher,
You are in a rough place, and I sure hope you will consider getting help. Please take a look at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp for a list of places where you can talk to someone, for free, by phone, email, text or chat.
Nina
Was this comment directed at me? I was not sure since it did not really offer any type of realistic suggestion to a very convoluted issue. I do own a dog that I love very much, but your response is a very simplistic and humoring response to a very complicated problem, In addition, the comment really dismisses the pain that someone like me has felt their entire life.
Hello Bridget, yes it was. I suggested this because i have already been through a lot myself (drug addicted parents, lost my mother at the age of 13, both maternal grandparents at the age of 17 and thats just a few bad things out of many), i am a lot younger than you (I am 25) but i considered suicide many times in my life already until i adopted a cat and a dog. They both have just added so much meaning to my life, they are really my best friends and i know, to some it may sound simple and ridiculous, but they saved me and make my life worth living. This is the reason why i suggested this. Also, please dont take this as offense, but i am not really sure what the exact problem of yours is. You seem to be disappointed by people in general (this is also one of the reasons why i referred to helping animals as they will really be grateful without judgement and betrayal and its also the reason why i focus now more on animals as i lost most of my trust and faith in people) Also, what is it that you really want? You have not explained that yet. Do you even know it? I think you should not care so much about others and their lives but try and focus more on yourself and the positive things in your life, like your daughter and your dog. I dont wanna sound like a pseudo psychologist and i also do not condemn suicide, in my opinion every person can decide over their own life, even if its ending it, BUT i think its important to really think it through carefully and thoroughly and also first try and find solutions to problems and alternatives. Have you considered seeking professional help? (Pardon any grammar mistakes or/and typos, English isnt my native languge)
The ability to remain strong and optimistic, and maintain hope despite multiple never ending series of misfortunes are traits a person is born with. They cannot be taught or instilled in a person, They cannot be granted to you via therapy or medication, nothing can change who we are innately as human beings. Believe me, I would much rather be happy and not be who I am, I truly envy those people who have the inner strength to weather anything that life throws at them. People with true inner contentment are the happiest people alive, they do not need money, or to acquire things or to be beautiful to be happy, they have the strength to be able to handle just about anything life throws at them. Unfortunately many of us do not possess these attitributes and life has beaten us down no matter how hard we have tried to overcome the unsurmountable events in our lives. At this juncture in my life, I am just too old now for it to matter and as we age our lives have so much less value, especially in western cultures. The problem it is that it is just not socially acceptable to advocate suicide for those whose lives are truly hopeless and meaningless.
You should consider adopting a dog from the animal shelter. He or she will give you unconditional love, gratitude and loyalty. You can provide him with a good home and in return you will get so much joy and love back. Animals also dont judge you by your looks, money, status etc. It may sound too simple and even shallow but a pet like a dog (or a cat) can really have an impact on your happiness and enhance your life tremendously. They can add meaning and they will really be grateful.
Nina,
You are so right. Some people, especially people who don’t love animals, might dismiss your suggestion. But they’d be missing out. This video tells the beautiful story of how a dog can change one’s life: https://youtu.be/Rm0qYRWQpZI. Be warned, it’s a tear-jerker, but ultimately in a good way.
Thanks for sharing here!
Bridget,
It sounds like you’re in a very painful place, and I’m sorry. But I do want to gently challenge you on something you wrote.
You stated, “The ability to remain strong and optimistic, and maintain hope despite multiple never ending series of misfortunes are traits a person is born with. They cannot be taught or instilled in a person, They cannot be granted to you via therapy or medication, nothing can change who we are innately as human beings.”
Yes, it’s true that these traits can’t be granted to us via medication, but there is significant empirical evidence that therapy and other practices (such as mindfulness) can increase hope and optimism. In particular, Martin Seligman’s work in positive psychology provides evidence for the ability to learn optimism and hope; one of his books is actually titled Learned Optimism. Research in the field of cognitive therapy also points to the ability to change one’s cognitive habits around hopelessness and pessimism.
I don’t mean to be simplistic, and I realize you might have already tried various therapies to no avail. But for both your sake and the sake of other readers, I do want to correct the record. Change is in fact possible.
Isn’t it possible that some people in this world are just not meant to be here, that were a mistake? I hate it when people say things like there are people much worse off than you are like that is going to make me miraculously have this grand epiphany and think yeah you are right my life is not so bad. That is such crap, we really only know our own lives and our own pain, these supposed people with worse problems than ours are faceless and nameless, so how can that matter to our own lives? The only reason that I have not killed myself is due to my daughter and the effect that my death by suicide would have on her. But then I think, why are people guilted into staying alive by others? Isn’t it our life? Do we have to stay alive to make others happy? What about our own happiness? That goes back to living our lives for others and not ourselves.
I have learned that working hard and doing all that you can for others does not make for a happy, successful or satisfying existance. Some people lead charmed lives by no effort of their own, or by unearned wealth and others work their asses off their entire lives and still suffer humiliating defeats and inevitable failures NO MATTER WHAT. Some people just have much heavier crosses to bear and others are born beautiful and have everything handed to them because of the random gifts bestowed upon them by the universe or good genes or just plain old good luck. I go above and beyond for people in my life yet when I need help no is there for me. Suffering from low self esteem, chronic anxiety disorder, suffocating long term debt and the realization that at the age of 52 I am lucky to even have a job ( I am a recruiter so I have first hand knowledge of this fact) has prevented me from seeing the proverbial light at the end of the tunnel because sometimes there is no light just crushing darkness. The prospect of having no retirement funds just makes me realize that I better not live too much longer because my life will only plunge even further into the depths of hell. To me getting older only means that you have that much less time to realize contentment and find some type of happiness and meaning in a cold and dispassionate world. I held on to hope for my entire life, and now I am ready to let go of the reins and be free. Sometimes there is just no cure for that.
I feel just as you do. You have so eloquently expressed what I could never successfully put into words. It’s clear you are highly intelligent person. You seem to have a gift of expression that I would envy as I am always at a loss to try to put my experiences into words. It’s a shame that you have experienced life this way as it seems to me you have a lot to offer, and probably have many talents too. I need to tell you that reading your words has been a gift to me. I found beauty in your imagery of giving up hope as freedom, and in this beauty I have found a bit more love for life. I am willing to give this life a little more of my time, and ironically, you have given me a bit of hope. I have children too, and this is the main reason why I keep going, as my suicide would increase significantly the chances that they too would do the same in their lifetime. While my suffering is not good for them, the abrupt end of my suffering would be even worse for them. They are young and I want them to have as much of a life as possible. So I suppose this is my gift to them. My time will come eventually, as will yours, and since we are older it won’t even be too far off. We just have to wait a little while longer. You have just helped one person very much with your honest and poignant writing. You made me feel understood for one time in my life. Thank you for that at least.
Barbara, I hear everything you say. For me it just sucks because I have to stay alive just so nobody else will feel the same crap I have all my life, rather than WANTING to live because I enjoy it.
Jeff,
In the suicide prevention field, we talk about how staying alive is not the same as having a meaningful life. However, the first is necessary for the second to be possible. In staying alive, I hope that you are able to build reasons for living.
Dialectical behavior therapy, acceptance and commitment therapy, and cognitive behavior therapy are all well suited for helping people to identify, cultivate, and strengthen reasons for living. In the meantime, if you need to talk with someone now, by phone, email, or text, please check out the resources at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
You know, Bridget…… you and I are on the same page. You used many terms and “lines” that are identical to mine…. or ones I’ve thought. From your first line about people “not meant to be here” to “light at the end of the tunnel” to “Isn’t it our life”. There are others but you get my point. If life is such a struggle…. and that struggle will most assuredly continue… what’s the point of continuing to play the game? I don’t get it. Easier for me as I have no kids. We’re also the same age. I’ve had some success in my life financially but things are not great now- and I don’t see them getting better. I, too, am ready to let go and be free of the burden, frustration and hopelessness that I feel.
Jon,
Before you take action to kill yourself, I hope you will consider talking to others about how you feel. Perhaps you can and will feel better at some point. Therapy can help, and so can friends and family. I also list places where you can talk to someone by phone, email, text, or chat; see http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
I appreciate your concern and willingness to help, Stacey. I visited my dad this July 4th and have come to the conclusion that I simply could never put them (my parents) through this at this point in their lives. I’m 53 and my parents divorced when I was 7 or so. I have a good relationship with both, though my mom often makes me want to kill myself….. some humor there. Jokes aside…. I simply could not do that to them at this point in their lives- they are in their late 80’s. I appreciate this platform- I think we all do.
Bridget,
It’s clear you’re suffering and feel little, if any, hope for your future. I hope you will share how you feel with your daughter and others; if anything, it might help you to connect. You don’t need to be alone with this. You can also talk to someone at a hotline, text line, etc. I provide a list of such places at http://www.SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Thanks for sharing here. It’s clear from the comments that many people see some of their story in your own. It’s helped some to not feel so alone. Perhaps that can help you, too.
That actually does make me feel better, life is so hard, and I see many tragic things happen every day, murders, abuse, children tortured and killed by their own parent’s hands, these things weigh on my heart so heavily to the point that I avoid reading about these stores anymore. These stories seem to stay with me for years and they almost become a part of me. I think that maybe if I was able to give back and help people, especially children before these tragedies occur that it might give my life some meaning. I honestly believe that, I have to try to make the time, I work such long hours and my job is so demanding, but I think that the gratification that I may derive from helping those most in need may be worth the effort. My daughter worked for an organ donation company and she had to contact families of people who were recently deceased, and I mean within hours of their passing; She actually had to meet quotas, that by the way clearly states just how cold and indifferent to the suffering of others this world has become, somehow I do not remember the world being this way when I was growing up. Nonetheless there was this 7 year old boy that was tortured so badly his entire life that it was the catalyst for her to leave her job, Some of you might be familiar with this case, it was Gabriel and it took place in the Los Angeles area. The news did not even touch upon just how bad his life was, I did not even allow her to tell me everything because I knew that I could not bear to live with the knowledge. It has actually convinced her that this world is too cruel for her to bring children into. This of course is heart breaking to me because the one bright spot in my life was the prospect of one day becoming a grand parent and unfortunately I only had one child, one of my greatest regrets.
So I think that if maybe I can help make a difference, like lobby for judges to stop placing these children in danger by placing them back with their abusive parents all in the name of keeping families together when maybe some parents do not deserve to have children. I would like to bring about change in our family court system so I don’t have to keep hearing about all of these children who are killed or abused by their parents because uncaring social worker and inept judges fail these children. I believe that would give meaning to my life. We are supposed to live for others and not ourselves right?
Stacey, I think that the work that you do is very important and it is critical in today’s society. I honestly believe that I have seen a real shift in people’s attitudes toward the pain of others, especially depression, even if those people are a part of their family. We all get so caught up in our own lives that we unable or unwilling to see the pain of those around us. I have to come to believe that human life is just not as important to other people as once was; most people have become desensitized to the agony and pain that others are going through. I consider myself to be a very compassionate and empathetic individual however due to my low self esteem and lack of self confidence, people in my life have lost respect for me and they also see my kindness and willingness to help others whenever I can as a weakness. I feel that many people in my life have used me to get what they need. I feel that no one has any respect for me in my family, especially my husband whom I love a great deal. I love doing things for him however he does not appreciate anything that I do and he critcizes me almost everyday. I feel that I am a disappointment to him and he does not really like me, I believe that he is only married to me because the quality of his life would disingrate if I was not in his life. I often feel trapped by my love for him, and I see love as a curse and not as a gift. He is a classic narcissist, he fits the profile to a T and he also has a hair trigger temper which has resulted in me being diagnosed with Generalized Anxiety Disorder that I have to control with daily medication. He is also avoids talking about anything about our relationship so we do not have any type of communcation which is HUGE part of my problem. He also suffers from a chronic disease and he does not take good care of himself and I am literally CONSTANTLY monitoring his health which causes me an unbearable amount of stress, I have had to call 911 at least 4 or 5 times in the last year. All of these things cause me a great deal of despair and misery and every day that goes by without resolving our issues, brings me one step closer to checking out. He was recently let go from his job because he was hospitalized, which now has resulted in a huge financial burden. Just when I was crawling out the hole of debt, I feel like I was just shoved back into the hole. I have had to start over so many times because he left jobs or lost a job due to his health issues and I just cannot keep doing this, I am not getting any younger and the possiblity of a truly meaningful and contented life is evaporating faster and faster. But his disease is manegeable however he has lost the will to do what it takes to get better, he says that he is just too tired and does not care anymore. This of course makes me feel horrible that he feels this way and also that he is willing to die and leave me alone so I get how others can think that suicidal people are only thinking of themselves. I am the type of person that needs to resolve my issues otherwise it feels like scar tissue that is just building up on top of each other that will never get better. However whenever I ask people for help or try to get things off my chest the people in my life barely pay any attention to me, It often feels like I am talking to myself, they ignore me or don’t hear what I am saying. The world has become so much colder, people have become so self involved, I worry that when I die that no one will remember me or even go to my funeral. I hate to think that my life was so meaningless not only to me but also to my friends and family as well. I just feel that I made so many mistakes and now at my age, it is just to late to turn things around. I figure I only have maybe 10 years left on this earth and I have been trying to improve my life and find the contentment that has eluded me all of my life however my low self esteem and the constant setbacks I have endured in my life have made each passing year harder to bear. I also feel that I am pretty resistant to therapy as I have gone to see many therapists over the years. I believe tha some people are resistant to therapy and that it is just impossible to change the way that people think. In addition, my life has been beset with so many setbacks I lose a little more hope with each passing year. Life is truly unfair, some people are blessed with so many gifts, beauty, confidence, love and an inner contentment within in themselves that gives them the strength to overcome any set backs and/or tragedies in their lives. Like I said before, this is an innate quality and I do not believe that it can be learned. I truly believe that people who are genuinely content with who they are and with their lives are the happiest people in the world. This inner strength is what helps them overcome anything that life throws at them. It has nothing to do with how much money they have, how beautiful or handsome they are, or whether or not they have successful careers. All of these things are superficial and should not be the measure of a person’s value however in today’s society, especially Western Society, that is exactly how we are judged. However if someone is truly content in their own skin and in their heart and mind, they can overcome anything and will always lead happy lives. For those born without this, I can remember feeling worthless and suffering from an inferiority complex as early as 3 years old. I would cry when I heard love songs about unrequited love or being unloved and I would cry without even knowing why , I believe now that this ended up being prophetic in my life. I was not blessed with any semblence of self worth or self esteem, or confidence, it is just not one of the traits that I was born with, and it has proven to be my undoing. I feel that it has sealed my fate. I feel that I have been forsaken and that my fate was decided for me at birth and no matter how much I have tried, I have been unable to overcome this tremendous character defect in myself, and it has caused others to disrespect me and disregard me resulting in a meaningless existence.
What are you supposed to do when things DON’T change? Ever?
Jeff with out more detail I can only tell you from the situation im in, change is brought upon by you and you only, whether it be for better or worse. We can only hope for those of us with lack of motivation that those days when we even have the baby step motivation it will help us move forward to that goal whether good or bad of change. It is what I and most I’m sure on here yearn for, but have to make an effort by ourselves or if lucky with the blessing and help of others.
Ryan, “change is brought upon by you and only you” is a simplistic view. I have 3 college degrees, so I am well versed in “change”. I have always been well-known for my motivation. I had my first job at 10, and my parents only let me do it because they though I wouldn’t stick with it. I woke up every morning at 5:00 for three years until we moved. I guess I was “motivated” enough. I come from relative wealth, but worked up to 3 jobs at a time in high school while getting straight As and traveling as a competitive athlete (at my own expense). Motivation isn’t the issue. The issue is the crap God keeps throwing into my life. The rest of my family has literally lived the “all-American” live, with prosperity and happiness. Me, 40 years of tragedy and suffering. The family knows if something bad happens in the family, it must be Jeff. Just exactly what part of the 40 years am I supposed to consider a blessing? The divorce (only the 2nd in over 500 years in our family)? The 40 years of depression? The couple of times I was fired, not because I wasn’t doing a good job, but because of local politics? The two trips to the psych ward? I really wish God would bless me less, I can’t survive any more of his blessings. Forty years, NO CHANGE!
I agree not all financial problems are temporary . Being broke every month due to living expenses that has gone on for 20 years or more, being over 50 with few career options, or being in a bad marriage where you love your spouse and they don’t love you and you cannot extricate yourself from them, getting older with no money for retirement, lifelong low self esteem, EXTREME bad luck not brought on by your own actions, lonliness etc. These are not temporary situations and demonstrate a life that is just not worth living anymore. I really hate it when people say that these are temporary situations, people who say that really have never had to live with true pain.
Jeff, my mom also felt like you do right now for about 20 years as nothing ever seemed to change and it was pretty crappy overall for her. She talked about suicide frequently and really thought it would be the best option for her, but felt guilty for what it would do for her grandchildren, so she hung in there. We worried about her of course, and felt sorry for her too, but recently a whole bunch of really great things just started happening in her life. She had to endure quite a lot to get to this point, and of course this was never expected, but now all of her problems seem to just work out and things are great and she is really excited about life again, for the first time in about 3 decades. One never knows if/when things can change. It’s when we lose hope that they ever will that there no longer seems a point. However, your words had a very positive effect on me: I don’t really know why, and so maybe something will come along that will somehow inspire you too. I can hope that for you.
Barbara,
Thank you very much for sharing your family’s story. It’s heartfelt and powerful. It’s amazing that after so many years of pain and hopelessness, your mother’s life has changed. It reminds me of the slogan for the suicide-prevention group Project Semicolon: “Your story isn’t over.” Hence, the semi-colon instead of the period. There is more to come.
I know not everybody’s life changes for the better, and I know that some would say three decades is too long to wait. But it just goes to show that nobody knows what awaits them. If it’s wonderful, why not be there for it?
Thanks again. It’s great that you were inspired by Jeff, and now in turn you can inspire others.
I think a lot of people are done, because they’ve BEEN through the system. Took several drugs that did not work but offered their share of side effects, and dependency. Then failed with non-pharmaceutical treatments. Failed with inadequate therapists. All this cost money. And the big shakedown, the ward, which you’ll get tossed in if you’re ready to go and your hotline call gets traced. Where you get no real help, are sometimes abused, no follow up, and are billed thousands for the privilege, coupling with PTSD from being locked up where they were supposed to get help, setting one back in life even more. The mental health industry- the industry that profits off pain- in America is broken, and it is NOT the fault of the sick. They should not be guilted about “who they’ll hurt”. These are people who may have been hurting for decades under a broken system. Broken systems lead to broken choices. Let not the loved ones point the finger at the suicidal, at the deceased. Let these crises be motivation for better, reliable, affordable medical care for the chronically mentally ill.
Hi Stacey,
I laud the effort you make to help so many people with your articles and forums. That you do so much without compensation or advertising revenue is selfless and commendable.
There seems to be a great deal of commonality in much of the despair people write about. In my case, it’s a matter of profound regret for failing the people I care most about and a sense of not living up to their, and my own, expectations.
I am no longer able to capably manage the real estate assets I’ve built up while at the same time caring for my 87 year old mother. She is a sweetheart who worked hard all her life and sacrificed much to support our family.
Mom now has extensive medical needs necessitating demanding full time caregiving including assistance with every aspect of daily living as well as constant medical monitoring. I manage the equivalent of a one-bed ICU. I never imagined I would be taking Mom to the toilet and doing perineal care.
I’m worn down and depressed to an unfathomable degree. I get less than 4 hours of sleep every night and have excruciating tinnitus.
I’m unable to continue being her caregiver and could not live knowing I put her in a facility.
My life can not be sustained. The good that will come from my premature departure will enable Mom to be cared for and a substantial bequest for riparian land conservation.
Anonymous I and my father are going through the same thing with setting up hospice for my 90 year old dementia alzheimer’s ridden grandparents. It’s a uphill battle. There are old folks homes that will take some form of medicare or medicaid to help offset the cost. The latest old folks home we were looking at will take the extra cost if there is not enough money in their SS check out of the value of their home, it’s like a lien on their home as long we don’t sell it they dont have to pay the extra cost. The old folks home cost about $5000 per month. Also you don’t wan’t to leave your mom alone in her last days you need to be their for her to help her leave peacfully knowing her son is next to her bedside. Good luck to you Love, Ryan
Articles like this are garbage
I feel so hopeless right now. I have been searching for love all my life but only found women that use me all the time. This has been happening to me all my life. Frankly I’m sick and tired of it. Currently I haven’t had anyone in seven years now. I have family but all I want is a intimate relationship again
Well let’s see. It is a Sunday in this small little town. There are no therapists, dr’s, my friends do not respond to any form of communication. There is NO ONE.
And therein lies the problem…
There is no one there to listen to you no phone number to call only words I need actual help some one who can help
my father makes me feel like I’m the only one that is living in this wourld
What would I say to a suicidal person in MY situation? I probably wouldn’t say anything because I don’t want to be criminally liable if they did it. But I would definitely think this person IS without hope. Some situations are. Some of us aren’t struggling with “feelings” and crap like “loneliness.” I wish those were my problems. But I have a chronic illness that makes life miserable. I wake up exhausted and have to drag my ass through the day, and for what? So I can live to do it another day? Why? What’s so goddamn great about life that I should endure one grueling day after another, with no relief in sight? There is a fundamental dishonesty in suicide prevention that leads it to give a blanket assessment of suicidal persons as having a problem with their thinking, when the truth is MANY of us have intractable problems with health and/or finances. No amount of “counseling” or “hotlines” will help us. What we need is access to reliable means to end our suffering. We don’t owe it to anyone to continue being miserable, and anyone who throws that guilt trip in our faces is a piece of garbage who is likely on an ego trip, or afraid to admit that life can get to a place where it’s not worth the trouble or suffering. Would the good doctor here counsel a couple who are miserable together to remain together for the sake of the children? Not too many shrinks counsel that today. So why should a person crushed with intractable medical conditions or financial doom do the same? I can’t speak for everyone, or anyone but myself, but suicide is an escape from a miserable condition.
I know how you feel in terms of it’s more than just feelings… my whole life I endured abuse. Sexual and physical. My whole life. And because of my sick home life, I was to myself at school and got severely bullied for it. I feel worthless and depressed. I have no motivation to do anything. And it feels that everytime I have hope, something happens to make me to lose it and life gets worse. This world is full of selfish individuals who only care about themselves. Why bother staying alive when you’re in constant pain?
It didnt work worth of crap i feel like killing myself still
I’m sorry to hear that. I hope you’ll check out the Resources page where I list places you can get help for free by phone, text, email, and more.
I hate my life and it needs to end. I can’t win for losing. My fiance left me I’m dumb as hell and I’m broke with no career and I’m ugly
Anonymous,
That’s rough, and it’s clear you feel hopeless. Please get help. In the U.S., there’s the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255, or you can text the Crisis Text Line at 741-741. I list other resources, too, all over the world on the site’s Resources page.
You know, it’s possible that not everything your mind tells you is true. Of course, I can’t know one way or the other, but I do know that the phrase “don’t believe everything you think” has helped many people.
I wish you the best in finding help and relief.
Too anxious to talk to someone. Getting help is easy for those with a network. I have tried getting help from family, no one would even let me shower. My wife chose to take the kids away and be at her parents. No answer from my friends. It just hurts when nobody wants you.
I’ve given this four years; four years of constant fatigue due to a treatment-resistant condition. I think it’s admirable that I’ve hung on this long. Now I want to rest, even though that rest will be forever. Quality of life matters.
why is the financial angle not talked about. I’m not depressed. In this world, one must have money to have any kind of a life. Without it, there is no learning, no joy, no hope. Just a waking struggle to pay everything. I wish to exit this kind of world.
Omg. You said what I’ve been thinking. I’m tired and have nothing and nobody. I’m just ready to tap out.
Hi Rebecca. You are so right about finances and the desperation and pressure that can come with it. I’ve struggled with this in the past thanks to unforeseen financial pitfalls or my own blunders. What made it so depressing for me was that my financial mistakes were so obvious looking back with hindsight and looking forward to years of having to repay I felt desperate and powerless. It’s the past future spiral, and we have no control over either. Worse yet, we lose the present. The present moment is the only place we can find happiness. I’ve wasted so much of the present obsessing and upset over the past and future. But you know what, we really did make the best decisions we could under our circumstances at the time. No way of knowing their repercussions. You did not wake up one day and decide to cause yourself a difficult financial future. Forgive yourself. It’s not money or possessions that can really give or take away happiness, it’s how we think about them. We can change how we think. We can take our power back from that thing, that person or that life event which causes us so much pain. If you are on this site, reading and writing, then at some level you want to overcome and to live. Let that Flame Kindle into a fire and leave no stone unturned to recover your happiness and well being. Therapy, books, yoga, exercise and more can help.
Because intractable financial problems are, like intractable health problems, are real. Cognitive therapy and pep talks can’t fix them. Anti-depressants won’t fix them. Suicide prevention is geared towards mainly younger people, who are stressing over relationships, parents, school, bullying, etc. This is not to minimize those problems; I had several myself for many years, and only grew out of them (saw that it was all bullshit anyway). But even if person survives all that crap from the first half of life, he or she will still face financial disasters, health disasters like chronic illness, poverty and the like. Therapy won’t help those. For many people, the choice is misery or death.
Rob,
Your comment makes me think of a popular saying in the 80s: “Life’s a bitch, and then you die.”
But then that makes me think of the many Buddhist writings about how life inherently involves suffering, but humans can change their relationship with and response to suffering.
I know that’s easier said than done, and hardly something to say to someone in the vise of pain; as long as I’m bringing up maxims, it would be like saying, “Don’t worry, be happy.”
In reality, a stance of mindfulness and acceptance allows that life hurts but still can hold meaning.
The idea that we can be happy and pain-free probably creates far more distress than acceptance of the fact that pain and suffering are inevitable, but that life can still be meaningful.
Russ Harris has written too books that capture these premises well, based on Acceptance and Commitment Therapy:
The Reality Slap: Finding Peace and Fulfillment When Life Hurts
The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling & Start Living: A Guide to ACT
Many books on Buddhism also cover the same concepts.
Thanks for your comment.
I prefer to look at it from a cost/benefit perspective. Is it worth it to continue existence? Is being unconscious less painful than consciousness?
Soon to be homeless because of an illness that doesn’t respond to therapy.
Rob, I’m sorry the costs appear to be so high for you. I hope that you will find (or recognize) more benefits soon. In the meantime, please check out the site’s Resources page for places you can get help by phone, text, email, or online chat.
I have called a “hotline” before and was threatened with a police visit. A different time, using a chat function, I was told by an honest counselor that he couldn’t help me. I live everyday in a state of profound fatigue due to an intractable medical condition, and there’s not a thing I can do about it. Multiple therapies have proven fruitless. Four years now of this with no end in sight, except for the end I bring, if I could just work up the courage. All I want is rest. Rest. Just simple goddamn rest, the one thing that’s denied to me.
And again I must reiterate that the whole impetus behind “suicide prevention” is the protection of an illusion, the illusion that life has some intrinsic value and should be preserved and honored. For someone like me to come along puts a dent in that illusion, it pulls back the curtain so to speak and reveals that life can be not worth the trouble. I’m here to tell you that quality of life is important. We put goddamn animals down when they’re suffering, but with people, no, we throw icy water in their faces so they can wake up and continue to live in this monstrous existence.
The whole notion that suicide is bad and that I shouldn’t do it is a lie. And “hotlines” are a joke. Would you rouse a person out of a restful sleep? That’s what suicide prevention seeks to do. The promise of deliverance lies in the ability to end one’s own suffering. For some, there is literally no alternative.
I feel you, I’m in the same boat. I do see a counselor, I tell her this is a life I no longer can tolerate; why must I suffer just for the comfort of loved ones.
Yep. Me too.
My reasoning for suicide is centered around the idea that for me life will not get better. I wasted 20 years of my life and now am forced to start with nothing. To think that at this age of 39 I am going to miraculously do something with myself is a fantasy; I have no skills and no aptitude, the latter which would have made the work ahead much more tolerable. But I have no goals, so what’s the point?
I hear what you are saying
I feel broken. Depression isn’t a disease with a rallying cry. No one runs a 5k on Sunday or a bake sale at church for the cure. Friends and family get tired of listening as much as we tire of talking to un-sympathetic ears. One by two we lose it all. Our minds, our joy, friends and family. Medication and treatments provide temporary relief for the lucky and terrifying ordeals with worsening symptoms for those not so lucky. Why wouldn’t I want to end it all. Go quietly into the dark goodnight. Unfeeling oblivion…bliss. I have failed and that failure has become the “vanity card” of my life. I’m immobile, any movement and I am relegated back to my solitary spot. Is this really any way to live. I have no spirit left.
You are so right. I had two friends to talk to, now I have no friends to talk to. They don’t want to hear it anymore and I know it.
I’m even tired of myself.
I am full of depression, sadness and pain.
For well over 5 years now.
”It gets better”
What a lie. It’s only gotten worse.
I even quit going to therapy. I told her I had no food for the next four days, she did nothing. One day in a panic I called the office to speak with her. They never gave her the message. She’s tired of me going through so many psychiatrists. The girl at the front desk told me they had many problems with this psychiatrist, that’s why they were changing. My therapist told me she hadn’t heard any complaints about him, so I know whose side she’s on.
That psychiatrist, that she loves so much, put me on medication I knew my insurance wouldn’t cover. ”Don’t worry about it.” he said. Well when I was out of medicine and the pharmacy said my insurance wasn’t covering it I had to worry. I also had to go off 3 meds cold turkey. Was off them for two weeks until he FINALLY got one approved. So I went back on it. Never mind side effects going on when you take or stop meds, they don’t care at all. It’s not them going through them.
The other medicine he put me on my insurance wants to know why it’s such a high dose. He’s done nothing. Not written to them. Zero Zilch Nada.
I’ve been through 6 psychiatrists and they are doing me MUCH more harm than good. They are mean, uncaring, assume bad things about you, misdiagnose you.
I’ve tried for 2 years to ”help myself” or ”get better” and my life is only worse.
I can’t go on much longer like this.
No one should
I so want to leave this earth but being a non violent sort cannot bring myself to attempt something so violent.
Pills seem the gentle way to go. But of course what in this day can you get that would work?
I am 58 and and cannot live with the guilt and sorrow I have from the alienation I have with my only child. He is 27 and quite frankly I am afraid of him. Afraid that he has no conscience. Afraid of his weird ways that remind me of my mentally ill brother who terrorized me growing up. This sounds horrible I know. Believe me, I know.
I love him so and cry every day for my weakness at not being able to find a way to be in his life that won’t cause me feel abused. So I do nothing and hate myself for it.
And of course the mother’s question… Did I cause his problems?
My best solutions at present are to walk during the day(3 hours) and drink wine at night. Dancing with my headphones on are also good therapy.
I am on medicaid and the therapy options are not good.
The patterns just keep repeating and repeating…
I wish my caring and best attempts could have helped but this world is one hard beast.
I’m 26 yrs old and I’ve always had thoughts of suicide beginning when I was younger. My mother was on drugs and she wasn’t in my life at all. My Father raised me and my siblings growing up. I’ve always been depressed and sad about not having my mother in my life. Although I’ve had great mother figures in my life, I just always desired a relationship with my mom. As I gotten older I accepted the fact that she wasn’t going to be in my life and I actually forgave her so I could be able move on. But recently I’ve been dealing with a great deal of anxiety and depression. I just finished nursing school not too long ago and I’m currently working at an agency that is horrible. I’m having such a hard time finding a good job that will hire new graduates. Every interview and every opportunity goes nowhere. I feel like a complete failure. I still live at home with my father and step mom. Im also constantly comparing myself to my younger sister who’s extremely successful. She’s a software developer and she currently lives in Atlanta. My dad has always been extremely supportive of me but I’m just feeling like I failed. My father has helped me so much and I feel horrible asking him for money due to the fact that I don’t have a stable nursing job at the moment. Everyday I struggle with these feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and thoughts of suicide. The agency that I currently work for doesn’t pay well and they’re extremely unprofessional. I get anxiety every time I have to work with them. I also suffer a great deal of new nurse anxiety as well. I don’t know what to do. I’m in so much debt and I’m constantly getting calls from my credit card company & from my student loans. Im so overwhelmed just thinking about it. I’m feeling so hopeless
I have listened, looked, thought,, so now, i say, thank you for saving my life
The only part of this post worth reading is the part about the consequences of a failed attempt. The rest is redundant and pedantic.
I have more than a week thinking of killing myself. I do not know why I have to tell you this but I really need to talk to someone. nobody around me understands me. neither my parents nor my sister. for them the most important is school. They don’t care about anything else. if i am a excellent student I’m the best daughter on the planet. I am 20 years old at university and I failed in 12 exams within 2 years. I have lied them abt exams because if they will know the truth they will deny me as their daughter. I have no talent, no gift, no hope, no future for my life, no friends. Any boy look at me. I had just 2 dates in whole my life and they hummed me a lot. they treated me as a dud. also my dad has been too violent with me and my mom. Mom and Dad have gone many times to the brink of divorce but are never divorced. since the dad has been alcoholic, he is now very sick, and Mom and Sister look after him if nothing happened. it seems to me that I am the only idiot in this house. just do not see a reason why I should live. I am not able to make my parents proud, and I will never be able to love myself. it is worthless to live. they and all the people around will be very good without me. and no one will feel my absence.
Iris,
I hope you will get help. There are ways to live a good life without attaching your self-worth to your parents’ views of you, or to your performance in school. And there are ways to recover from trauma, and to learn ways to start and improve relationships.
A good place to start is by using a hotline. I judge from your IP address that you do not live in the U.S. Some international hotlines are listed here. You can also email .
I have hope for you!
Iris, some parents are far too occupied with making sure their kids go to “School” and are the “best” of their class and get some stupid “degrees” and “have the best paying jobs” (not just one that feeds and pays the bills, oh noooo, that is NEVER good enough for them!), meanwhile they live in a mud hut! They always think having “Success” to only fuel their own inner “Greed” and insane ideals are what are important.
Screw making your “parents” “proud”, that IS totally UNIMPORTANT for YOUR future, since they WILL die long before YOU do!
Living YOUR life YOUR way IS what IS important!
Fuck all else!
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I wasn’t moved at all by this, that’s how far gone I am, my parents think they know how to help but are only making my condition worse and demotivating me from finding another job.
hell my parents actually think that refusing to support my needs when im unemployed and lacking in an income will teach me a lesson, it wont, its just cruel, but I don’t blame them, they don’t have any time to actually help me as they both work 2 jobs which also further shows how much of an unfair system we live in in which the hard working aren’t properly rewarded, at times I want to watch this country burn for its sins.
medications are drugs and what makes it okay to take them for your problems in this instance, and yet apparently when a doctor prescribes it, its okay.
so honestly, I cant turn to psychiatrists because I know they have an agenda , they just want to perpetuate a victim mentality.
cold hard truth, its survival of the fittest, and unfortunately, I’m not the fittest because even when you struggle to get up in the morning to work a shitty dead end job, your boss fires you for being “Mediocre”.
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My family is in fact the reason I am thinking about suicide almost every day. I have absolutely no friends, my husband do not understand me and my daughter is so bad behaving I can’t keep up. I did not want kids, it did not change even after she was born – since then I have major depressions and it’s getting worse every day. I am not a mother at all. I am suffering every moment I have to be with her. I have stonger feelings of hate towards her than love. I would never hurt her, but this is not life. I don’t know how much longer am I able to stand it.
Anonymous,
Your pain sounds awful and intense. Are you getting help? Talking to anybody at all, even if not a professional? Please take a look at Speaking of Suicide’s Resources page, which lists places where you can talk about your painful emotions by phone, text, or email. If you urgently feel compelled to hurt yourself or attempt suicide, you can always call 911 (or the emergency services where you live, if not in the U.S.) or go to a hospital emergency room. The suffering you describe is treatable with help from others. Please try!
Listen man, I’m 12. I really don’t like anything because everything is hard and it always needs to work. I also want to finish my assignments always just to get my grades higher. I also wanted to get rid out of my problems. I always have problems and my mom always say “You have more chances, other people kill themselves because they already had no chance to live, so that’s why you shouldn’t kill yourself.” That’s what she said. And, I really hate my life because of the school activities, assignments and problems.
I want to kill myself so I can escape my husband. I am not strong enough to just leave him. I hate how cruel he is with his words, all he wants is for me to work, and do more than he does.
I don’t know what to do anymore. I have felt like this for 20 years
I have no idea what made me write this comment but i felt like i needed to talk to someone, even if this someone is no one. I’m only 16 and you may think i have gone through nothing and need to stay alive for my future but i could prove you wrong. I have undergone over 40 surgeries for an incurable life-threatening disease and my wheelchair is killing me mentally and emotionally. I’m about to undergo another surgery that might cost me my leg and my life. I have never been so scared but i keep on thinking maybe death isn’t that bad after all. The pain would stop and maybe i could finally be normal. I have no one to talk to my “friends” can’t bear to hear about my situation or how unhappy i am at the moment. My mom got diagnosed with cancer, my dad has a serious heart defect and my life basically doesn’t contain anything for me anymore. I feel like a burden to my parents. I have no talent, no friends, nothing, just a disease that is eating me up from the inside. I’m scared to fail if i try. Not the pain. I’m scared of what would be next too, is it worse? My body and mind don’t feel like mine anymore and i can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel anymore … I think i need it all to stop. I want health and peace but i can never have those unless… I don’t know what to do and i have no one to talk to …
I heard you. Im sorry you are suffering. For what its worth the bible tells us that there is peace and life after death.. Im tired of the struggle too. And the lonliness and the pain.
I just wanted you to know that i heard you.
Every day of my life I address my sick wife. She has had over 30 to 40 surgeries 12 of which were open G.I. surgeries. The pain and suffering she feels I feel. Like you I think of suicide almost every day. I do not know how to escape it I just deal with it deal deal deal. I sometimes think life is just a challenge struggle and I look at people that have the opportunity to take life as an adventure and I am ridiculously jealous. Life is absolutely no question unfair. Every day is a struggle a challenge and sometimes a nightmare. But… The sun comes up each day and each day represents a new day whereby you can wipe the slate clean. For this I am grateful and is the only reason I don’t simply pull the trigger. Good luck to you try not to give up we only get one chance make it count
My heart goes out to you. My prayers are with you. I read what you wrote and I do understand how you feel. I am just so sorry that you are so young and you feel like this. I too feel like you but I’m 56 and had a husband and two beautiful children. May god bless you with what ever you decide
What’s kept me going this long? Mostly my low pain threshold.
I am alone, spend most of the time by myself except for 2 cats. I think about this every day. I serve no purpose on this earth anymore. all children are grown and have their own lives. I have mentioned this to a couple of friends and they just laugh and tell me I am crazy, and stupid,I which makes me want to prove them wrong, tried a few years with pills, but didn’t have enough..I am just so tired of living with nothing in my future.
Pat,
I’m sorry you’re feeling so alone and purposeless.
I dislike when people jump in with advice to try to solve a person’s problems in what might be a simplistic way, but I’m human, and complex as a result, and I sometimes do the things I dislike, so here goes: Have you considered volunteering to help homeless cats? You say you have two cats, so I imagine you’re a cat person. Volunteering at a shelter, even just to pet the cats, could help give you a sense of purpose – and it could help a lot of cats.
I realize that emotional suffering isn’t easily abated by external activities, but research shows that doing new things, or doing things differently, certainly can help. Maybe this could, too.
I know how you feel. I’m 52 and for the first time in my life I’ve just spent my last Thanksgiving, Christmas, New Year’s, Easter, My Birthday and Mother’s Day, completely alone.
I have 4 cats. The guilt of them suffering in cages back at the rescue I got them at is about the only thing keeping me going.
I have no friends. I always had family, but now they either died or left me. I am severely depressed and seeing a therapist twice a week but every day is still sad for me. I still cry daily. I hate this life. It’s not what I want.
And if I go pet kittens I’ll end up with more cats. I just know it.
@Pat and Molly, it sounds like you two ladies are suffering from “Empty Nest Syndrome”!
DON’T turn into the crazy neighborhood cat lady!
You two haven’t yet realized it yet, but you BOTH have your lives back!
50-52 is NOT OLD, you have lots of life left ahead of you and SHOULD be out there LIVING it, not sitting inside feeling miserable cause your kids grew up and moved out on their own!
You should try a new hobby, one like the “Bird Watchers Club”, something like that really could help you meet some new friends, maybe even a nice new guy and would also give you things to do on your own!
How about taking one of those singles cruises?
I’ve heard many good, fun things about those!
Ya’ll have lots to do in life, don’t waste it by doing nothing!
Go live and have FUN!
Life is too short on its own to be so miserable and down!
As usual suicide prevention BS does not cover those folk with incurable chronic pain conditions. For example hyperacusis where hearing regulation in the brain fails and everyday noise gets louder each day. Eventually everything is like having headphones jacked to 100 for all noise, even breathing sounds like a plane taking off. No cure, no treatments, no drug to even reduce the intensity of the sounds, destroying hearing mechanisms does not work because the brain still picks up on electrical activity( tinnitus) and starts magnifying that. You end your life when you can no longer stand another minute or are forced to become a drooling vegetable under sedation the rest of your life. How does staying this way for 30 or 40 more years relieve pain for you, or your loved ones???? Give me a f****** break.
Why do you people always assume we have other people to consider? What if my family is dead, and my friend literally robbed me to the point of homelessness? Because that’s where I am. Literally no one would even know I died except the coroner, and even if they found out, they wouldn’t care, since they evidentially didn’t care if I starved to death on the street.
Will things ever change? No. This is a world of psychopaths where the only people anyone cares about are the people they are socially forced to by CPS. And those people are dead for me.
I am a 4th year medical student. I have finished extremely well my last year and final exams, I have been accepted into an exciting research group, and things seem to be going good, but all this doesn’t change the fact that I hate myself and cannot stand to live in my own skin. I am now already 1 month in my summer vacation and yet no day was enjoyable, each day passing is torment and there is nothing but sadness and emptiness chewing inside of me. I hate myself, and thoughts of suicide just linger in my head all the time.
My parents are dead. My kids live in other states. I have no one. If I decided to kill myself no one would know for weeks, if not months.
And what if you do have family but you hate their guts? This is the kind of stuff people don’t take into consideration.
Too many fear-based responses about why not to kill myself, which is totally meaningless and unhelpful. I already know I will be ruining the lives of my loved ones, I already know all emotional states are impermanent, I already know therapy and medications should all be tried before the final solution, I already know joining support groups will help me. But they haven’t. I just want an honest answer as to why I shouldn’t, other than those listed above.
AMEN!!! THANK YOU!! I keep saying the same thing.
I actually had two ppl in my life die by suicide. Yes, their families were sad and riddled with guilt. And since I know why they did it, their families SHOULD feel guilty. BUT, it ONLY last several months. One died in 2004 the other in 2005. Their families moved on as though nothing ever happened. To meet them, you would NEVER know their sons killed themselves!!
Lost,
I have to wonder how well you know those families’ inner thoughts and emotions. As a therapist and an advocate in the suicide prevention community, I have met many, many parents, brothers, sisters, and partners who say the wound will never heal. Of course they have to move on – what else are they supposed to do? – but, for the folks I’ve spoken with, the wound hurts even decades later. But that’s just my personal experience. There’s also systematic research that shows that suicide bereavement is associated with mental health problems, PTSD, and even later suicide among the surviving relatives and loved ones.
I’m not saying this to “guilt” people who want to die by suicide. But I also don’t want to deny the reality of the pain the suicide causes to those left behind.
At least you have loved ones.
I’ve had therapy, I’ve tried every medicine there is out there.
But what pill makes you feel better about being completely alone? No one to talk to. Unless it’s my paid therapist.
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Christine I understand what you’re saying, all we have is fake paid relationships that really doesn’t do anything to help with the sense of isolation and loneliness and this person will never be in your life and they probably don’t really care, they just pretend to. As I always say it is our responsibility to help ourselves but as human beings we our also meant to be loved and valued, unfortunately not everyone gets that. When I was young I used to naively believe every human life is supposed to matter, I don’t believe that anymore. The world and society is extremely cruel and calloused and I believe it’s getting worse especially among the younger generations. Whether I kill myself or die of some other cause, I can’t wait to leave this horrible evil world
Scott,
Thank you for sharing, and I’m sorry life has given you reason to view the world, and life, so negatively. If you want to talk, email, or chat with someone at any time, you can contact one of the places that I list on the Resources page.
Some people really do care. Many people, in fact.
My answer.. is don’t because if there is any sliver of doubt, any slight hope, any slight love any joy, dream, even any good-guilt for anything in your life you know those responsibilities that you know you are relied on like your fish or guilt of missing out on traveling to a dream place ect.., every day there are a million tiny reasons and while climbing back they will seem small but they will get bigger and better.. any and all of these small thoughts is an answer. Ive struggled a lot but one important thing that I’ve been told and never forgotten, it helped me realize its all me- that I decided.. In a fight or one of my crazy rants my highschool boyfriend told me this “no one will ever truely know the real You (or me) Completely” like deep inside.. ..sounds like a lonely sad satement BUT its soo good too because it’s true it’s all in you, only You know you and what’s in you that you can do it. It shouldnt be you against you it’s your alli. Struggling or not you know your heart and what you can do take pride in it. Your strengths- what you’ve already survived and learned and all you can learn , don’t deny Any hope or curiosity, any faith, any love, any joy, or fight you have left if anything brings you any of the tiniest light.. you control you, you have it in you and it may be work to learn and conquer but you can rock that light into a brighter day. I still struggle with depression and I still feel alone but I get by loving my kids and my guilt &anxiety kick me into being slightly motivated for their benifit well sometimes it works and sometimes I spend days in bed but I know I can do it and it’s just work in progress. Good with the bad and acceptance
@ Lost
A friend of mines cousin committed suicide back in 1988, the family all seemed “normal” to everyone outside of that family, but about 1 year later the one that killed himself’s youngest brother couldn’t take it anymore and he too off’ed himself, after that the father killed himself too and than two other brothers killed themselves within 5 years, by 1995 there was only 1 son left he killed himself too in 1996, than their mom did herself in as well.
So even though some people can put up a good ‘front” and seem as though they aren’t messed up by ones death, inside they are tormented.
My step bro off’ed himself 4 years ago, he always had some really severe issues and problems due to his being molested by a lunatic uncle on his wacko moms side of the family, but he never showed any signs of depression over it, he was always mad about what had happened to him, and never told anyone anything about ever wanting to end his own life because of it, he always seemed and acted very happy each and every single day.
Yes, I miss him very much, our folks married when we were only 2 years old, he was molested at age 6 than again at age 8, 9 and 11, all by the same uncle.
We grew up together and did everything together for decades and I ALWAYS tried best I could to help him realize that what happened to him was NOT his fault (he would often ask me if HE did something that made his uncle do what he did! I would let him know that it was NEVER his fault and that his uncle was just a lunatic) and shouldn’t let it ruin him.
Am I supposed to just wonder around numb and aimlessly cause of what he did to himself?
I think not, sure it saddens me greatly every day and yes, I do think of my lil bro daily!
But I also think he would want ME to live MY life and not let my existence shrivel up and end because he refused to live and deal with his inner stuff.
Different people handle things differently
A good friend of mine committed suicide way back when I was a freshman in high school and he was a freshman in college, he was very polite, well mannered, well spoken, very considerate, an all around good guy and a very good looking guy and was ALWAYS there for everyone and anyone, he always dressed really nicely, had a really nice brand new car, a wonderful family, many good friends and was engaged to an absolutely gorgeous woman and was set to marry her upon graduation from college, he had everything going for him, when he leaped off a local bridge and died none of us could ever figure out why?
A small piece of me really died with him that day and it changed everything for me.
He had left a short note for his mother, but she never disclosed it’s contents to anyone and took it to her grave a few years ago when she died from cancer.
35 years later I still wish I knew why he did it just about every single day and I might never know why he jumped, but I’m not offing myself to find out why he did, and as crappy as my life is, I still have MY life to live and when I off myself it will be for my own reasons.
Another friend of mine 20 years ago was severely depressed and angry that he had turned 55 and had no woman, no kids, rarely spoke with his 5 older brothers who he felt were always too busy with their wives and kids for him, and he felt that life had gone by and he had done nothing with his, but you would have NEVER known it!
To the outside world he was always happy, smiling and would chew your ear off for hours on end, usually about his beloved NY Mets (I’m a NY Yankees fan)!
And even though he had a really good job with the fire department, owned a few multiple apartment dwellings that made him a nice chunk of dough each month, nice cars, trucks. even a nice boat and a weekend getaway cabin up in the mountains It didn’t matter! It seemed as if he had everything, except those things that he thought were so important to have in his life, a wife and kids, and he felt he would NEVER meet a good woman to marry since he wasn’t a great looking guy and was very short and had a very outdated haircut and mustache. instead of getting a new hair-do, shaving off the mustache and trying to make himself more appealing to woman, he instead chose to go and kill himself!
He did once mention that he wished he had kids and I tried to tell him that “Hey!, my old man was old when I was born!”, his response was “What, am I gunna be 60 and have a 1 year old kid? I’d be too old to go throw the ball around with him or teach him or her how to ride a bike, and I’d probably just end up having a heart attack at that age!”
I wish I knew just how desperate he felt about it.
I even saw him the morning he killed himself, I was going into a local store and he just so happened to be walking out of the same door and normally he would have chatted with me for hours, but that day he said the usual “Hey kid!” and stated that he was “in a rush and had to go!”
Next morning he was found dead.
If you think that hasn’t eaten at me all these years, you’d be very wrong, because it has.
I think every day why didn’t I see it coming?, why didn’t he say anything?, why didn’t he let ME know what he was planning?, could I have helped him out or stopped it?
His brothers never blamed me and always felt really bad how it went down, yet I always blame myself for not doing more for the guy, although I DID try and hook him up with a lady friend once, I think they went on two dates and he didn’t like HER! lol
Just because I dislike MY crummy life and want to off myself, it does NOT mean that I want anyone else doing their selves in because of what I do or did and I am not offing myself because of people I once knew that offed themselves.
Everyone IS very different and does take in and deal with things very differently.
What I guess I’m trying to say is that NO family and NO person that has known someone who’s committed suicide walks away the same as they were before it happened.
I would think that that is impossible to do.
My life is functionally over. My business is on the brink of collapse, I’ve amassed unsurmountable levels of debt, my marriage is falling apart, my friends are leaving in droves…I’m just tired of it. Do gooders and religious scum are to blame. If we took a rational eugenecist position, people could easily acquire nembutal and call it a day when it’s time. Instead, under the pretense of helping them, we force them to carry on in misery. Shame on us all.
I agree with you.
Roger I agree
I have a major heart condition and am terminal doctors say 2 years at the most my girlfriend left me 4 days after my house burnt down and 3 days before our anniversary when I was gonna propose and I lost my job my jeep got repossessed. I have no one left and no future the only reason I haven’t killed myself is because of my dog but now I can’t afford to feed him or take care of him and will have to find him a new home. I think I’m finally done and tired of fighting to live a couple more years in constant pain and misery.
thats heavy duty man
Thank you. This kept me alive for today.
I’m seriously considering ending it all. I’m 50 years old, college educated with honors and job experience, and yet I can’t find a job. I’ve changed up my resume so many times and applied for everything under and over the sun. I’m either over-qualified or under-qualified. I even spent this past year learning an entirely new skill set, but it doesn’t look like my efforts will yield any results. If I were a man or at least considerably younger, I might have a better chance.
My saving account is gone, and so is my retirement fund. I have two months left, and that’s it. There’s no one to take me in or help me. Suicide prevention hotline? No, thanks. Will they keep me from becoming homeless? At least a grave is a permanent home.
Let’s talk about your situation. You do have options
In death there are no possibilities or choices. As long as there is one more high, one more lay, one more beautiful sunset, there is no reason to kill yourself, even if you are homeless.
Hey Lucy, I’ve read countless comments like these in the past month but i feel compelled to respond to you for some reason. I think the biggest reason why people don’t find it helpful when others point out signs of hope is because they’ve given in to despair, not because there isn’t really hope. I’ll admit some people are going through stuff that seems pretty hopeless and i’d like these people to know that their “seemingly ” hopeless situation doesn’t equate to them being less than anyone else on this earth.You Lucy, as well as all the other people commenting here are as good as anyone else and i think you need more people like me to tell you that ” shit” really does happen (really bad shit) and anyone going through the same circumstances would be exactly where you are. Also,The last thing you you want to hear is “you’re not really alone”, yes you are! I sincerely would like to talk to any of you here that are having a hard time including you Lucy ( sorry my response veered off course but shit happens) . Here’s how to reach me. My name is Mark Comeau i live in Kingston Ontario.If you do a Facebook search i’m wearing a blue shirt and I’m holding my little baby girl. I have text now (1-613-903-8877) but reception isn’t always great but text always works and i can call anyone back on a better phone no problem. My Email is kingcompt110@outlook.com . Now i can say you really aren’t alone TALK TO ME
Never had parents growing up, mom is dead , havent seen my dad in about 15 years , my family is apart , my gf of 4 years left me cuz i cant show emotions and she cant love me anymore, failed school, all i have a part time job , who could ever want to be with me again ? Cant trust anyone , i dont want to tell my family they have enough problems, i think about killing myself alot , im tired of this life , i deserve to happy yet never am , im a good person never wronged anyone , whats there to live for ? I dont have money to see a doctor , i think killing myself would bring me peace in an un-peaceful life of mine , i see no way out
I am really serious about committing suicide I don’t feel wanted and love anymore my sister she will not talk to me she said I am cause everyone’s problem everyone blame me for everything in their life ok. I have been feeling like this for awhile now but since me and my sister are fighting I don’t have anything to live for anymore l know she don’t wanted anything to do with me anymore ok.
Anonymous,
It sounds like you are in a lot of pain. If you are in the U.S., I hope you will call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255 (TALK) for help, or text 741741. If you aren’t in the U.S., then please check out the Resources page for other places you can email or call.
I have tried everything you listed before my attempt. Death became my only solution. Why is it if an animal suffers, we offer relief thru death yet humans have to continue to suffer.
I think about killing myself every day
Crystal,
It’s so hard to have suicidal thoughts every day. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255 (TALK) or text 74741, if you’re in the U.S. You can also check out the Resources page for other places where you can get help by email, text, or online chat.
same
So do I
I’m living in a home where i am abused. i have no where else to go. my ptsd cripples me and makes it impossible to find a job or maintain one. I am scared to leave my room to go pee.
The only reason i am here is that i have a 16 year old blind dog, which i can’t bring to a shelter. My family ignores the fact that my brother who has severe mental illness, and abuses, and is an enabled drug user broke my nose.
My mother tried to kick me out when he broke my nose so i wouldnt report my brother. I am 30 years old. I used to live on my own ages 19-28.
I got robbed by a room mate who also stole my identity and ruined my credit for years unknowingly.
My other family wants to use me as a built in babysitter, but i cannot get ahead or live my life.
All i need is a one month deposit, and one month or rent if i wasnt scared to leave my room thinking i was going to get abused i would be able to go out maintain a job because i could shower etc. My family could afford to help me. they all refuse.
I am very suicidal. My dog is to a point where i have thought of euthenization. If I get kicked out and have to be homeless i will have to euthenize him. He was abused before i got him, and has severe attachment issues would probably die of starvation, he will not eat if I am not there.
My family has told me if i file a police report against my brother they would disown me. But by rights know i should sue him, i am severely crippled, do not have medical to see a therapist. I have nothing.
I am grateful for the shelter, but it is HELL, this is all for my old dog, when he passes I have no other reason to be here. I keep trying jumping from job to job until i end up having episodes of ptsd from the psycho screaming and banging in the house. When that happens i literally just shutdown usually until i pass out. Ive missed work. I have reached out to strangers on Craiglist out of desperation. Unfortunately all of the responses were men looking for girlfriends. I will not subject myself to that.
I am very close to euthenizing my dog and offing myself, my life is hell.
I have recently started talking to people online about my problems. The only thing that would help is leaving, and i cannot leave, nor keep a job. Recently i have been doing online surveys hoping to make enough money to leave, but it’s not a lot of money.
Please do not tell me advice, because i’ve heard it all, and all of it just makes me feel more overwhelmed. I need money or a job, not a “chance” where i apply and get let down again. not “advice” on how to make money. I know i need a job, i am severely crippled mentally, as far as emotionally. I have far more issues i have lost around 20 friends i grew up with to heroin. I have been hurt by a lot of people, ive had a miscarriage. I have life experience, if i can leave here i will be ok. i need a safe space bottom line.
Therapy may not work i am panicky with doctors, and very picky i really dont know if it would help i have also been abused in medical situations.
Well at least its getting easier for me to type it out online.
we will see what happens i keep telling everyone in my life warning them, but its like they dont believe me or think it’s a joke, because the family i have never had a capability to see reality or face reality, but this is my reality every day.
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no name,
What you describe sounds awful, and I hope that you’re able to get out of that situation soon. I realize you don’t want advice, but I would be remiss if I didn’t advise you to call a couple places:
The National Domestic Violence Hotline, at 800-799-7233 (SAFE). They also have online chat available from 7 a.m. to 2 a.m. every day, central standard time in the U.S. Go to http://www.thehotline.org for more information.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 800-273-8255 (TALK). Their online chat is available 24/7 at chat.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/GetHelp/LifelineChat.aspx.
Other places you can contact are available on the Resources Page.
I truly hope things change for you soon … for the better!
When you try so hard and you find nothing working for you, like me. I tried everything, but help doesn’t solve nothing for me, I got hurt so bad and you can’t take your mind off of it. My life is so messed up, lost my best friend, bullied, parent wants you to be perfect, I might not show that I’m hurt, but in the inside it hurts the most. All I think about is suicide, thinking its better for me not to live. I’m so messed up, my parents just care about grades, pushing me to be better, piano, etc. All I just want to do is sing, I give them hint, but they don’t care. I grew up to have social anxiety, not having no friends., nothing. I even called help, but I don’t feel help.
I often consider suicide. I faintly wondered what would happen if I did do it when I was 16-18. But I knew I would never do it. I then got into a loving relationship with a wonderful man and felt much better. We made mistakes, and while we’re still together, we’re not the same and I’m back considering suicide again. Not too serious, but a bit more seriously than before.
He still wants to make things right and I couldn’t care less (I’m now 21). I know what the problem is. I know exactly how to fix it. But I don’t want to. I just want to stay miserable. Why? Not sure. I know what will happen after I die. I’m catholic, and while I’m a horrible person I still believe in it all. That considering, if I do commit suicide I’ll probably go to hell. I feel like I just want to accept where I am and be horrible forever. It’s too much effort to get better. I dont want to talk, I don’t want to tell anyone. I just want out… I just hate my life.
I most likely won’t commit suicide. But there are plenty of nights where I cry myself to sleep (like tonight) just wondering why I haven’t done it yet and how to even do it…
Have you noticed, there are few if any options for suicidal human beings above a “certain age”. Just pills. First, aren’t there obvious arguments that these only mask the problem or else dull your mind to an extent that you can’t give a damn about anything even if you were justified to feel somethings? Secondly, some us us, with electrical problems with our heart for example, can’t take antidepressants anyway (or certain antibiotics, antihistamines, etc.). God save you from finding compassion or sense or an intelligent person if you are over the age of 40 years–when you are suppose to have Your Act Together. After that, the only cause for pain is some form of senility, based on what I read. Answers do get fewer with age.
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Cadfael,
There are many options for suicidal people to pursue to feel better, regardless of age. There’s psychotherapy, for one. Cognitive behavior therapy and dialectical behavior therapy both reduce suicide risk in a good number of people. There’s also evidence that exercise, light therapy, mindfulness meditation, and even reading self-help books can help lift depression. Finally, many of the hotlines, textlines, and other sources of help listed on the Resources page are available regardless of age.
I hope you won’t give up – or believe everything you think. Your mind is telling you there aren’t options for older people to get help, and that’s simply not true. (In fact, people over 65 have Medicare, which gives them a leg up on getting help compared to younger people with no guaranteed health coverage.)
“Don’t die 5 minutes before your miracle” If God was going to give you a miracle don’t you think it would make more sense to give it to you 5 minutes before you die?
What is the best way to commit suicide?
I’m sad that you are in a place where that question is important to you. So you know, this is a suicide prevention site so I will not be approving any responses with information about how to die by suicide.
I hope you will consider calling the national lifeline at 800.273.8255 to talk about your suicidal thoughts.
There is none. And I researched the subject for weeks.
I would suggest you reach out to someone. If not a friend, or family member maybe a therapist.
If there were an ”easy” way to die I wouldn’t be here. Really, there is none.
You need to talk to someone, perhaps you need medication. Fight for yourself. You are more than your depression.
Some really great posts. Those out there who insist that suicide is “a permanent solution to a temporary problem” should spend some time here and actually listen, instead of spouting platitudes and trite quips.
I am not depressed, but I have had a chronic, incurable health condition for 25 years that can make life a dubious proposition. For me, this type of decision is pure logic. When I can no longer tolerate my symptoms, it will be time to leave. If I decide it’s time, why would I tell anyone? I would be treated for depression. But I am not depressed. I am physically ill. I would have the same symptoms in a daze. I am 60 years old. Family and friends are gone. I am not sure I need the years with Alzheimer’s, wandering around alone drooling and incontinent. I wish our society could be a bit more open-minded and practical about such things. Our garden can prune itself. Sometimes, it’s just time.
Well said.
may i ask what the disease is? 26 yrs ill here, also chronic. 20% suicide rate the disease is so bad
I have read people’s posts here in order to understand my own issues and can say it has helped. I feel so desperately sorry for those whose situational conditions are the cause of their feelings e.g. no job, bad spouses or toxic parents. On the other hand there are those whose problems are of a more cerebral nature. My belief is that the way out is truly to reach out to others for both these positions. Don’t expect too much when you do so but remember that any positive response however small can feel like an almighty leg up. It’s a great pity that the complexities of people’s situations needs an experienced mind to help find the true path, good counsellors are rare, but most are motivated for altruistic reasons and can help, even temporarily. Everyone – depressed – not depressed, suicidal – not suicidal has to put up with the vagaries of life and others position in it, just as you would expect to be recognized and helped, so should you, regardless of your current mental state help others. Life is a battlefield and it is not of your choosing whether you’re using daisies or nuclear weapons to fight – that is another’s choosing. The key is to understand this picture and what we can do as individuals and as collectives to make it better for us – for this, unless you have a strong intellectual mind – you need support whether it’s God, your cat, a blade of grass, or indeed a crap counsellor. In closing I will say that all of you are loved by someone – not a nebulous someone in a distant future, but right now.
I’m depressed and have been so because of circumstances that have never gotten better. I’m underemployed and with my lack of education , cannot obtain a job that pays more than 16-17 an hour, in the best case scenario . And no, going back to school would not be feasible. I have attempted to improve my situation this way and that way for years now and I am exhausted. What’s worse, I do not have youth on my side. I’m 41 and I’ve always wanted to be married and have children, now what? Meeting someone this late in life is bad enough but the desire to still want to be a mom is what makes it so much harder . And please don’t say I can always adopt. Even if I would consider it, they’ve made it so dang difficult that I can understand why people don’t go that route.
I feel like I’m crumbling and my resolve is crumbling. The daily worry and anxiety I have with my underemployment and/or employment is plenty to make me feel deeply and indescribably depressed as it has been going on for so long but my hopes and dreams of being married and having children is enough to make me consider things I never wanted to resort to. Being worried sick about my finances and barely surviving month to month with no one to really turn to for help if worse came to worst on top of being insanely lonely and broken-hearted is an awful combination that words cannot adequately describe. I was always depressed even in my twenties and thirties but the sliver of optimism I had back then has nearly completely disappeared now at this age. It’s a whole different level when you are talking about your late thirties and forties and your dreams of a decent life have never come true. I don’t call my existence living. The cruelty and joke of it all is that I must keep earning money to “live” and not be homeless so I could continue what is a miserable existence. Even though I dread trying to get myself out there to date, I was considering joining match.com but can’t even afford the membership fees without having to cut back on other basic expenses. I already only eat once a day. Honestly I don’t even know what decent man would want a woman who is not self sufficient and has practically no job to speak of. One guy I met on okcupid seemed turned off by this. He didn’t say so directly but I could tell. An underemployed woman my age making peanuts at a lowly job.
Most of my depression is circumstantial so no amount of exercise or therapy really makes a difference. Not that I could really afford either anyway. (Gym that is). I did have a membership at one time and went fairly regularly but it never made much difference . I still came home to an empty place and back to feeling depressed. Being out for part of the day does little when you know you have no one waiting for you at home. I’ve given up trying to make friends as they never get very far and leave me feeling emptier than before I attempted to befriend them as they are too busy leading their own lives.
Broke and loveless for years and years does a number on you. I no longer have the resilience and optimism I once held onto in my younger years and I am exhausted from never feeling relaxed and content because I am constantly and endlessly broke and never earning enough.
I’m really tired of it all and short of someone offering me financial help to improve my situation long term and give me hope for a better future where every month is not a struggle, people’s words, while good intentioned, don’t do much to help in practical ways.
I feel you, but as far as work goes, you don’t need much education to be a waitress, I know, many erroneously THINK it’s a low job r a hard job, but I’ll tell ya, before my wife became too ill to continue working anymore she was a waitress at a Perkins Family Restaurant and made from $100-$200 per day, $500 to $1200 weekly in just tips alone and she only worked 5-6-7 hour shifts 5 days per week, plus she got an hourly wage on top!, Some days and weeks pay better than others, like Holidays, but even on slow, bad weeks, like the middle of summer, she’d still bring in a few hundred, which was enough to keep the lights on and food on the table and it was very close to home, so we no longer needed a car that we just could no longer afford.
I also know some really nice, good, single men who really wouldn’t care about how much you have or don’t have!
If you ever need or want someone to chat with that you CAN trust and depend upon you can easily reach me at NYMetalguy724@yahoo.com
I think about suicide every day. I feel alone and isolated, that I don’t matter. I wish I could have been born in a different time when the world wasn’t so fast paced and that you didn’t have to live up to so many expectations. Being a 42 year old man and labeled as mentally defective pretty much means there’s not a whole a lot to look forward to accept getting on social security disability and living in some cheap apartment. People like me are just throwaway people, stigmatized, and abandoned. No women will ever fall in love with me, I will never have a family of own, and I will never experience what it’s like to have children or be a father. I have no value in this world, it’s harsh but it’s just the way it is. The only thing that keeps me alive is the fear of suffering when dying. I can’t wait until the day comes I finally pass away and then my pain and loneliness will be over.
Alone,
I’m sorry that you’re hurting so badly that you feel hopeless and want to die. A big problem, from what you said, is your sense of isolation. Are there ways in your community that you can get connected to others, like through a peer support group? I don’t know if by “mentally defective” you mean that you a mental illness but some communities have drop-in centers for people with mental illness. If you are in the U.S., Mental Health America can be a good place to find more information.
Thanks for commenting, and I hope that you experience less isolation in the future.
My life is absolutely useless, I am just a number compared to the trillion others. I have a job for three years now, a gf with four months (though we rarely see each other, I already cried what I had for this), a family that I look after (grandparents suffer from alzheimer) and I am just incredibly tired of it all. I cant make consistent thoughts and find myself looking up for suicide stuff on the Internet, nothing ever makes me happy.
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H.,
I’m sorry you’re feeling so tired and unhappy. I hope you will consider talking with someone about how you feel, whether a friend, family member, or professional. There are also ways to receive help by phone, email, text, or online chat; please see the Resources page for more information.
I got mouthy with an SSI worker and told her I may as well kill myself, rather than to be homeless. The police were called, they came to my house, complimented me on how clean it was, how nice it was. We had a great conversation and I told them I was just having a bad day, that started out at 3 a.m. with a bad migraine.
Yup, they called an ambulance, and had me transported to the hospital my mother died in 2 years ago. I begged them not to take me there. Anywhere else. The hospital they took me too, doesn’t even take my insurance, yet the one 5 minutes away from me does, and they wouldn’t take me there. I honestly wonder if the cops get a kick back from taking patients to a certain hospital. Otherwise, why would they go out of their way, to take me to a hospital that didn’t take my insurance, and that I begged not to go too.
So I sat in the ER for 9 hours, getting a different story from everyone. Cops told me I would be admitted, evaluated, and let go. Ambulance drivers told me no, I would not be admitted, it would be like an ER visit, just with a psych consultation.
When I got to the hospital the PA told me a different story. She told me I was on a 3 day hold. And that they could hold me for 48 hours in the ER, waiting for the psych consult, and then 3 days in whatever place the psychiatrist put me in.
Needless to say I wanted to jump out of my skin. Three people had just told me 3 different stories. I’m in the hospital my mom died in, and completely alone. I wanted to cry, but I didn’t want them to think I was crazy so I held it in the best I could.
What actually happened is I was in the ER for 9 hours, got a psych consult, and he freed me to go.
Lying to people with severe depression and anxiety, and taking someone to the hospital their mother died in, when they beg you not to, threatening to hold someone 5 days against their will…. How does that help? I went to my therapist the very next day. She said I handled it very well.
I called the psychiatrist the hospital told me to call. They haven’t called me back. The psychiatrists in this town are whacked out. First one told me to marry a rich man, get off all my meds, and smoke pot night and day. Second one was wonderful, an angel, then she left my network and I couldn’t see her anymore. Now I get to see a 3rd psychiatrist, in about 11 weeks. I really am trying to get help. I don’t want to feel this way, but the system makes it hard. It’s almost against you from the start.
A wise 17 year old in the hospital for the same thing I was said to me ”You’re more than your depression.” How true. I’ve joined a grief support group that starts in a few weeks. I hope that helps me some. This is a scary journey that I am on. And I’m on it completely alone.
Thank you for this blog, and the others you wrote. I consult them often.
Thank you for this. It’s good to be reminded to watch what you say and who you talk to. This is why I don’t call hotlines; the last time I did the counselor threatened to call the police or an ambulance. I don’t have any money either to pay for a stay in the Loony Hilton. I bet if I ever get in that situation and mention that, I would be quickly diagnosed as OK and sent home.
I have been really bad for over a year now. I have suffered great loses that I cannot fix and there is just nothing left to live for anymore. So I can definitely relate. I want to cross over into the light and plan for my next life on earth. They say we choose our parents, situations, things we want to learn and experience. Maybe I can have my doggie back when it is time
For him to cross over. I am going out of my mind without him. He’s not dead just not with me anymore. Well, I didn’t plan this life too well or chose to experience the wrong things lol. I am done.
All the wrong people are dying. I would have gladly traded places with that poor old man that the Facebook guy killed. I would have just said make it quick and do it right. But that probably wouldn’t have been much fun for him and he would have looked for someone else who didn’t want to die to see the fear in their eyes.
So tonight I will go to sleep and have to wake up to yet another day where I just bide my time. I love the nighttime / darkness when it’s time for bed. I sleep most of the day to be as close to death as possible. I think that just because I pray to wake up on the other side into the light to see my deceased friends and relatives that it’s actually going to happen. HA, it seems that only people who don’t want to die or shouldn’t die are the ones dying. Say either give me a miracle or give me death. Every night.
Heartbroken Doggie Mommy,
It hurts to read your words. You obviously are hurting very much. Are you getting help? I hope you will. In the meantime, check out the Resources page for places where you can talk with someone about your suicidal thoughts by phone, text, email, or online chat.
I have nothing to live for anymore. God left me a long time ago and I suffer from Complex PTSD thanks to my narcissistic pychopaths pathological lying ex husband. He destroyed my life. I am too old for love that is for young people. Sick of liars, users, abusers hurting me. I am an example of failure, an idiot, stupid, dumb, unworthy, unwanted. Hate me.
Joan,
It hurts to read your words, to bear witness just in this brief space to your profound pain and feelings of self-hatred. Please talk with someone about how you’re feeling. See the Resources page for places where you can talk with someone for free by phone, text, email, or online chat. You clearly are suffering, and I hope you will get help soon!
I felt the same way. Don’t give up. Get out and go on practice dates. Just dinner and a movie, but no romantic expectations. That’s my current plan. To practice being a normal human being again.
Once again, never give up.
The world needs more people like us, not less.
Viktor Frankl is the ultimate victim-shamer.
I’ve come to the realization that nobody has it easy in their lives. it’s not logical to think that my issues are the worst and nobody gets me.
the thing is, is it wise to live with this suffering? what if it was all for nothing? what if it’s not worth living with this soul wrenching pain?
correct me if I’m wrong, but no one has found a permanent solution to make this pain get away. people are just taking pills to block the pain, temporarily…
there is no ending to this pain.
what if realizing the truth and ending your own life is the true path? the right path? who can say otherwise?
what if people with depressions and mental disease took their own lives and let the natural selection give birth to a new, more evolved generation of human beings that are more peaceful, less crazy.
I don’t have the guts yet to take my own life, but I’ve been thinking about it for so long, every morning when I wake up, everynight when I go to sleep…
and quite frankly, I feel like it’s irresponsible and selfish to get married, make a family, give people hope and positivity while you know the truth is something else
Meanman, those are excellent questions, and I have one for you: What if you are wrong? Seriously, what if?
I hope you’ll consider talking with someone about the suicidal thoughts and questioning that you are experiencing. Please check out the Resources page for places you can get help by phone, text, email, or online chat.
Suicide prevention is not for those considering it; it’s for the non-suicidal. A non-suicidal person encountering a suicidal person creates anxiety in the former. The non-suicidal person is forced, if but for a moment, to reflect on life, to question if it really has value. To see someone who finds life without value is disturbing, so the charade of caring is presented, hence sites like this. Encountering the suicidal is like pulling back the curtain on our widespread belief that life is good.
Rob, these are provocative and profound points. I agree with you to a degree. However, I think you’re not accounting for the complexity of people. Yes, someone might feel anxious when encountering a suicidal person; yes, someone might want validation that life is good and therefore strives to dissuade the suicidal from acting. But it’s also true that this same person might also genuinely want to help others to live, knowing that many people who want to die, or even try to die, come to feel differently over time.
No, people don’t really care. And that’s okay; I don’t care about them. People just like to telegraph their goodness to others (and to themselves). Look at the pictures posted of people on sites dealing with suicide, young people, probably upset over things like “relationships” or “school.” No pics of the middle-age person out of work because of exhaustion and despair. No pics of the person who went through a devastating illness who now find themselves unable to sleep. No, sites like this and others are trying to fool one another that they are “caring,” “compassionate.” It’s all a charade. People just want to have a good opinion of themselves.
Having said all that, I would like to add that suicide is often warranted. After taking on my ailment, I looked around and saw a lot of despair, despair that doctors could not help. For many people, life is unbearable and not worth the trouble, and sufferers have every right to take themselves out of this worlds.
I’m really sorry and sad you feel that way, Rob. I hope that you get to a place where you can recognize the care of others and perhaps even feel hope again. Please remember that the Resources page has a list of websites and hotlines where you can get help by phone, text, email, or online chat.
I had a long email exchange with Samaritans. I still wake up exhausted. Once I called a hotline and was threatened with a police visit. I dare not call another hotline. They can’t help me, my problem is physiological, and I don’t want to risk being taken to a hospital, where I won’t be helped (they can’t; my problem is fatigue due to sleep apnea) and where I will end up with a prescription for something and a bill for several thousands of dollars, which I cannot pay. What I need is a good dose of courage; barring that I need a fool-proof and quick method of dispatch, one that I can use in those frequent, intense moments when I realize in a deep way that I have no hope.
I agree.
ROB,
I think your point above, and especially those points you made in the comments that followed, it are generally correct.
You make a couple of points I want to comment on:
1. “Once I called a hotline and was threatened with a police visit. I dare not call another hotline.”
I think this is a primary reason that people do not try to get help.
Irrespective of whether said help would help them, people are rightly afraid that the involvement of law enforcement could lead to job loss, eviction, public shame, an inability to find future employment, and much more. Even well meaning police officers (there are a few), will by definition initiate a process that will leave you scarred with a publicly available record of mental instability.
In my times in therapy, I have inevitably been asked if I am an immediate danger to myself. Whenever I was, I lied for this reason, defeating the purpose of the therapy because, as it says on the consent form, if I answer yes, they are “obligated” to notify authorities.
Even if law enforcement does not get involved, if the wrong people in your life find out that your are suicidal, wrong as in they don’t know or care about how to handle it, you can lose the prospects for future and current work.
If you have a job, you will likely lose it if you spend a week or two in an institution.
Your name is Rob, a perfectly good name but one that is not uncommon. I will not post my name because only a handful of people have it and of those, I am the only one I know of who speaks English. A google search for me would quickly turn up this post if I signed it with my name. (it still could be that is unlikely).
2. “Having said all that, I would like to add that suicide is often warranted. After taking on my ailment, I looked around and saw a lot of despair, despair that doctors could not help. For many people, life is unbearable and not worth the trouble, and sufferers have every right to take themselves out of this worlds.”
Of course you have the right.
It might be the most fundamental right you have. I do not know if you should or should not kill yourself, but it is your right to decide.
3. “they can’t; my problem is fatigue due to sleep apnea”
I am truly sorry. Since it is so devastating and since, to my understanding there is treatment available, I would seek it at all costs. Read this article http://www.crockford.com/pwl/ which is not directly about depression or suicide, even if you already know everything written therein, it is broadly interesting and well-written.
4. “No, people don’t really care. And that’s okay; I don’t care about them. People just like to telegraph their goodness to others (and to themselves)”
I think that is only partially true. Some people do really want to help others. Yes, their motives are often selfish, but that is not a bad thing in and of itself. Results are what count. That said, the majority of people refuse to acknowledge how broken the world is and so they will never even try to help fix it, which brings us back, abstractly, to your initial statement: “Encountering the suicidal is like pulling back the curtain on our widespread belief that life is good.” True words.
Y,
Thanks for sharing your thoughts about Rob’s comment. You explained well my own misgivings about therapists’ obligations to intervene when someone is in imminent danger of suicide: it keeps people from telling us when they’re in imminent danger of suicide.
I do want to challenge one thing you said; you stated, “If you have a job, you will likely lose it if you spend a week or two in an institution.” Do you have a basis for this assertion? I know, and know of, quite a few people who have been hospitalized for a mental illness or suicidality and they did not lose their employment as a result. I’m not so naive that I think illegal discrimination never happens, but I myself don’t have a friend or client who has experienced it.
I’m sorry that you’ve felt – and been – so alone with your suicidal thoughts in the past. I hope you’re feeling better now, and I’m glad you’re here.
Yes – all of the above.Now help me die please. No-one + no-where. I didn’t come here to be changed. I came to be directed to easy suicide. If you can’t do that change your site name. Go to some hopeful place – not here.
Sue,
I’m very sorry you want to die. I hope you will wait and find other ways to live.
I understand you’re looking for an easy way to die. On this website, I do give space for people to talk about their suicidal wishes, but I don’t post any material that gives advice about how to kill oneself. Keep in mind, there is no easy suicide. This blog post on another site addresses that topic well.
If you choose to get help – and I hope you will – please check out the Resources page on this site, at speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp, for a list of places you can contact by phone, email, online chat, or text.
Good luck to you!
You will have to sit out your life out like me.
There is no easy way of suicide,
It`s nearly impossible.
This suicide prevention is just the fake goodness of people in my opinion.
They just don`t want to admit how bad life is for some of us.
At least i am pretty sure i would be far better of dead.
But i still have an estimated 50 years to go
Johny, how painful life must be for you for you to believe you’d be better off dead. I hope you will consider reaching out to someone who can help; the Resources page lists ways to talk to someone by phone, email, text, or online chat. I realize you think that these places reflect the “fake goodness of people.” Even so, they might be able to help you! I hope you will at least try one or two of those places.
I’ve received a lot of requests to re-open the comments for this and other posts on the site. It has been a rich and lively, if at times challenging, conversation. May it continue!
It’s a crazy world and I can’t seem to get past panic. I’m on Viibryd, for the most part it works fine, however lately I’ve been stressing and having panic attacks. Yes there are days I feel I want to die or be better off dead. Part of my problem is I can’t process thoughts when under stress which makes my job very difficult. I’d like to be self employed so I wouldn’t have to deal with coworkers, but I lack confidence. I really feel doomed.
Jimmy, that’s such a painful way to feel. There are good self-help books for anxiety and panic on Amazon, such as When Panic Attacks: The New, Drug-Free Anxiety Therapy That Can Change Your Life, by the cognitive therapist David Burns, and The Anxiety and Phobia Workbook, by Edmund Bourne.
Please also check out the Resources page for places where you can get help by phone, text, email, or online chat.
I’m sorry, folks, the time has come for me to shut down the comments for this post. Thank you to all who shared your thoughts here. I appreciate your having shared your very personal and painful stories. It’s unfair how much suffering there is in the world, and I hope that life does get better for each of you.
If you are having thoughts of suicide, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). You can also find many resources for other places to call, text, or email for help on the Resources page of this site, at speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp. Thank you.
Good morning all. First I want the founder or moderator of the above blog know you touched my heart. So as I began to write it led me to transparency to share my story.
These are some pretty deep emotional authentic comments, thoughts, feelings and beliefs. When I was in my early 20’s I was raped. After that experience and it being someone i knew, met and dated I was devastated. What did I do I kept it in I did not report it because of blame and shame.
AFTER that my life began to feel worthless, unstable, reluctant to see the better side of life. I was convinced suicide would be a consideration. I walked with this everyday. I had support but I felt so distraught It was unrecognizable. I am a Kingdom Driven Women now and was going to church. So none of us are exempt from feelings of suicide.
I am not sure of any ones faith here but mine in my struggle Faith was my strength. God saved me with faith from myself. It was one early morning I attempted to go out contemplating suicide in my head. I took a shower, got dressed and lastly looked around to put something on my feet. Just so you know. I am called the stiletto Queen because of my heels I wore daily. Lol with deep emotions running through my head, the inner critic pushing me toward suicide and the darkness was at an all time high. So as I heard this voice say put those stilettos on. I was like im not feeling heels right now. Lately my stilettos just made me feel regular.
All my years of wearing stilettos or plain heels I felt like I could rule the world. This feeling had gone. So just for the hell of it I put the heels on and headed towards the door still with suicide lingering inside. Now remember I told you how I felt regular in my heels. Well for some miraculous reason it was like a ton was lifted off my heart. I began to feel a strut coming on and that powerhouse feeling flowing. All in front of me were my baby girl who was about one or two, my life flashed in front of me of what things would be like if i was gone and how all my family, friends and baby would be deeply devastated.
I’m thinking where did all this come from? At the time I wasn’t grounded in church. I was just a church goer. Today I know it was God who allowed the holy spirit to guide me. After all those thoughts suicide became a distant memory and nightmare. So I am saying I am no saint nor do I claim to know all the answers. What I do know is my story and how I overcame suicide. How I cope today. How I keep myself from going back to that emotional pain and state of mind. I’m no therapist, doctor, medical professional. I’m just a new york girl who was chosen by God to go through this experience. He saved me with my stilettos because my strut came back as I gained this automatic transformation that showed me I do have power over my life. I walked with my head held high yall lol.
I am a certified Life and Transformation coach and I love speaking to people about what I know. What I know is God changed my Pain into power and reignited the passion in the purpose he has for me. Suicidal thoughts and feelings is like a disease. Let me tell you there is a cure. I also even now continue to see my therapist till today. A support system needed. So Kings and Queens there is life and the end of the tunnel.
I was asked to be a moderator because of my love and belief in the emotional healing(heeling) of those who are suicidal ideation and who have been sexual assaulted like me and suicide became the only escape I knew. So I was honored to take on this task. The founder turned it into support group status. So everything is private. The group is new and I just took over. So feel free to join, engage, ask questions and read the meaningful daily talk that will help, heal, and give you hope again and turn your pain into power so you can go out and or create that new norm. You will also be able to develop your passion in your found purpose.
Right now the group will be more of you visiting the group to read encouraging words its time that you have a stiletto queen experience. Help, Healing and Hope is what I know from my personal journey, traditional trainings and education. My bachelors of arts degree. Major social work and major skills, strategies gained from universalcoachinstitute.com So I am qualified to just help you to understand your own needs and how you can get through this with support and others going through the same. I promise no cures but daily encouragement and if you are open for change the possibilities of your transformation and new beginning. The name of the group is on facebook and it’s called “Suicide Won’t Reside.” You may be contacted before your join request is accepted I Mrs. Kisha J. McRae the moderator, Life and transformation coach of the group, the founder Nakisha Johnson need to make sure you are a fit for the group, fit the dynamics and have the mindset of integrity. We have to protect those who will be joining. So you can feel safe to know we are exclusive.
So if you got to this point then you should ask to join the group. Suicide Won’t Reside. Excuse my grammatical errors im on my cell phone. Lol these responses on here just touched my heart. Have a blessed day. Feel free to share this and I hope this post is appropiate for the moderator here. I’m no salesman. Lol Remember Your Life Matters Despite The Pain.
Hello Kisha,
Thank you for your comment and for sharing the inspirational story of your stilettos transformation.
I hope people will check out your Facebook group and find it helpful, especially because just tonight I have made the decision to close the comments on old posts, due to the high volume that come in.
I’m sorry for the trauma you endured, and I’m grateful you’re still here!
Stacy,
You, by your own choice, put this “article” on the internet but can only respond to commenters 4 times in nine months.
Do you think that those living day to day, hour to hour or minute to minute have the luxury of taking such extended breaks from themselves and their pain?
I am quite certain you will not post this.
Jack, you raise a good point. I started this website almost four years ago as a means to provide information to people. I put a notice on the website, so that it appears on every page, that I don’t provide counseling on this site. I can’t. But people still want to hear from me. And I can’t do it all. The site gets 80,000 visitors and many hundreds of comments a month. I am one person. I have a full-time job. I don’t make any money from this website; it is something I do in my spare time, at my own expense. So then the question is whether I should allow comments at all. Turning off comments would solve the problem of my not being able to respond to them all. But I have seen people who leave comments be helped by others who leave comments in response.
So, thank you for your comment. It’s given me a chance to share my thinking, and I will need to think on this some more.
She is not responsible for the entire internet. I appreciate her perspective, and the fact she lets us talk, unfiltered, in our comments.
Thank you for sharing your perspective, Christine. That’s a great point – I’m not responsible for the entire internet!
In reality, though I wish I could reply to everybody personally, I also think it’s important that people engage in discussion with each other. I’ve seen some amazingly insightful and helpful comments on these pages, and I know some have helped people look at things differently. Some might even have saved lives. I’m limited in what I can say to people because I can’t practice psychotherapy or counseling with others via this website. People who leave comments don’t have the same limitations as I.
I appreciate your sharing!
What happens when those voices are actual people who have told you your whole life these things? What if these people have done things, taken things from you that you will never get back? What if these people have also done the same to your family, friends, or even complete strangers?
What happens when those thoughts become more than just one sided? How does one continue with their existance knowing that each minute of each hour of the day constant reminder that you have to continue?
Why are people so evil? Why did she have to leave me here to go on alone? Why does it have to hurt to live? Why is it that I fail in life and even after several attempts it seems I fail at death?
Sorry for the banter
Turtle,
I’m sorry I’m late in responding to your comment. I hope things have improved for you. If not, please check out the Resources page for places where you can talk with someone by phone, email, text, or online chat.
Thanks for the article. And I’m sorry for some of the crap you got in the comments. It’s about as good an article as I think can be written on this topic. Because sometimes there just is no answer. There really is nothing you can say that will make a life worth living, so the most you can hope for is to prolong it, hoping that things will get better. And they may or may not.
I wish my life hadn’t gone to shit, I wish I didn’t hate myself and I wish suicide didn’t seem like the only viable option most of the time. But it is what it is. So.. I just keep putting it off and staying alive by the few flimsy strings that keep me attached. And what’s the point of that? There probably isn’t one, I only do it for my family.
Anyway… it’s the ultimate final act, so you’d want to be sure you’re making the right choice. And at the least, I’m sure this article plants a seed of doubt in those minds considering it, so in that sense I’m sure it achieved it’s purpose.
Slow,
Thank you for your comment. It’s sweet that you went out of your way to say kind things to me about the article. It’s been a while, as I am late in replying. I hope things are at least a little better for you now.
First, it is very difficult to get help from anyone in this state. When most people either do not understand or need to take care of themselves first they can’t be there for you. I trusted my best friend for four years and she ousted me because of “not being able to be happy”. I trusted my ex boyfriend of two years who also could not handle that i was never happy enough for him therefore i didn’t deserve love. I trust my parents who got frustrated that they had to pay for hospitalizations and medicines and they have to deal with the fact that our family now has a stigma because of their “crazy daughter”. I trusted Christians who basically acted like i was not faithful enough and that is why i was miserable. I trusted God who hasn’t taken any of the pain away or given me anyone i can actually turn to. I trusted my recovery partners just to learn that someone else with struggles tends to withdraw as well and can’t help you because they need help themselves. I trusted counselors until i realized i was just an experiment to them and they were only helping because they were getting paid to. I trusted websites and phone services such as this one but when people tell you on the phone you don’t have it bad and they don’t even know you or make you hold until someone is available then you already don’t feel like a priority but it is even worse. So how can i find someone to trust to talk about this with when no one cares! Please don’t say you do in the comment because you don’t know me. So i’m stuck wanting to die but have no one to tell that to without fear of losing them.
I’m not going to say “but I CARE blahblah” because I hate that too. But I get where you’re coming from. I feel completely alone now because the one person I thought I could really trust with this abandoned me. Which made the suicidal feelings a hundred times worse. Despite that, I keep failing to kill myself anyway (really makes you feel like a failure when you can’t do that right). And when I try to put my trust in ‘professionals’ and get help, they have the nerve to tell me I don’t actually want to die. Almost as if they’re challenging you to do a better job next time. Who are you supposed to trust when everyone seems to let you down?
Veteran,
I survived the war in Iraq and Afghanistan, but I wish I had come home under my flag. Since then my wife of 25 years has asked me for a divorce and I don’t enjoy the things I once did. I have a couple memories that haunt me at night sometimes, I am losing hope and would like this to end. I do not want to disappoint my kids, so I am deciding how to make my death look like an accident.
Vet,
Coming back from combat is such a challenging and painful transition for so many people. Have you talked with other veterans? Have you tried to get help? A good place to start is the Veteran’s Crisis Line. Here’s the info from their website http://www.veteranscrisisline.net: “The Veterans Crisis Line connects Veterans in crisis and their families and friends with qualified, caring Department of Veterans Affairs responders through a confidential toll-free hotline, online chat, or text. Veterans and their loved ones can call 1-800-273-8255 and Press 1, chat online, or send a text message to 838255 to receive confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. Support for deaf and hard of hearing individuals is available.” To access online chat, go to their site and press the red button in the top right corner.
I am hoping you will find healing and peace … alive.
I find it interesting that under the section “What Are Your Reasons for Living? (Or What Were They?)”, all but one of the reasons given (the first one) involve an implementation or acceptance of a certain amount of anxiety and/or fear. If those are the only reasons one might come up with, even in haste, to deter someone from committing suicide, I believe that one is, unknowingly, justifying the suicidal person’s choice.
I’m not interested in continuing a life justified by fear and anxiety. And as I’ve stated in other responses, the fear of incurring the wrath of others for such a choice as suicide, or the fear of hurting others, simply results in encouraging the would-be suicide attempter to devote a significant fraction of their efforts toward “living for or on the behalf of others”. This is exactly the kind of thinking that can cause depression, rather than alleviate suicide ideation.
The final issue I take exception with is the first section, “Have You Tried Everything that Can Help?”. With regard to myself, no I probably haven’t. Why not? Because I don’t want to. As I told one therapist years ago – “If YOU want me to avoid suicide, then YOU do the work”. I wasn’t interested in helping myself or making choices for myself to make him feel better, or successful at helping me. I’ll make choices that feel better to me. And if I believe that I have achieved a significant amount of effort toward dealing with or fighting back against suicidal tendencies, then I absolutely demand some sort of positive gain or validation of improvement in my life before I simply keep dumping more effort into a process that isn’t working. Just as I’m not going to keep throwing money into car repairs for a car that isn’t worth keeping, I’m not going to keep putting into effort into a life I don’t want. (And to those who would respond otherwise to my comments, I have a similar response – if you feel so inclined to disagree with me and tell me my life has value, then don’t tell me, show me by doing the effort for me).
We focus so much effort into maintaining a patient or client’s life, but then we don’t really know or suggest how to deal with the chronic issues that brought the patient to such a point of despair. It then seems like it’s a 50/50 chance that the patient or client will slip right back into a period of suicide ideation. As an analogy, we put most of our effort, in this society and in my opinion, to applying a defibrillator to a patient who’s heart has stopped (which certainly could literally happen to someone attempting suicide), but then we monitor the analogous patient for signs of future heart stoppage, and never get around to addressing the lifestyle choices or environmental hazards that may have caused the heart stoppage in the first place. Trying desperately to SAVE everybody doesn’t necessarily amount to HELPING everybody.
Mike,
I think I understand what you’re saying, which is that it’s not enough for a person to stay alive; they also need a life worth living. So, fear-based reasons for living might deter someone from dying but do little to give life meaning. I agree. In the long term, most if not all people need more than mere survival. I don’t agree, though, that others can do the effort for you. Others can help you build a life worth living, but ultimately it is you who builds your life and it is you who lives it. I hope you are living it, still, and I hope that you are feeling more hope than you were before. If not, please check out the Resources page for places where you can get help by phone, text, online chat, or email. And apologies for my delayed response.
Mike, Amen! I totally agree!
I’m 40, male, over 60 attempts, so many different ways, life support 17times (shortest 4 days, longest 118 days) my first was at 4yo
So many long hospital stays, psychiatrists, psychologists, treatments, opinions and multiple diagnosis… That only teach how to hide everything and everything to eventually go from locked ward to open, ground leave then town leave to discharge to try again
Abused physically, mentally (some things are actual torture classified as war crimes if I was a P.O.W.) every single day, at home, school, work by parents, teachers, students neighbours, co-workers and bosses
Abused sexual from a very young age of 4 until 15 (not family members, but parents didn’t care when they were told, just saying “don’t go telling the whole world ya stupid fucking poof ya probably asked for it!” I was 7 when I was raped and told that
There was so much more crap way too much for anyone to read about
I have never had a reason to live, I don’t know what happiness is, I have never succeeded at or with anything except failing absolutely everything, even failing to succeed at failing
Dear Micheal
I’m sorry that you went through that. And I’m sorry that your parents were unfit of loving a wonderful child. I believe your story will move the world and other children in your situation. I hope you find peace within yourself and know that you deserve better and I hope you find it.
Love you Alexandra
Michael,
All that you’ve been through is staggering for me to even consider. I’m so sorry. I hope that you can connect with others who can help. As a start, please check out the Resources page for a list of places where you can talk with people by phone, online chat, text, or email. There also are support groups for abuse survivors. I dearly hope that life improves for you.
It’s all great. The problem is that when you’re suicidal and you feel like this is your only option, nothing also matters. My life is over, I can’t do the things to make myself better. It’s the most selfish thing in the world. My wife, my mother, my sister, and the rest of my family are going to be CRUSHED if I do it. How fucked up is it that I can ponder this and still feel like this is my only way out? It’s so fucked up, so fucked up that I would be selfish enough to take ‘me’ away from these people that love me so much. But the thought remains, it lingers, it always comes back. What else am I going to do when I can’t function, can’t work, can’t support myself or my wife. What choice do I have. For all the people that say ‘you have a choice! You make your own decisions!’ I would challenge them to enter my mind and see what’s going on in there. It’s chaos, it doesn’t make sense, it’s a mess. I’ll make it until tomorrow, but when does the day come when I can’t? When I actually go home and pull the trigger? When I decide it’s finally enough? I’m only alive for other people right now. I can’t take care of myself.
Anonymous,
Are you getting any help? You don’t need to be alone with these feelings. Please talk with someone, whether a professional, family member, or friend, about how you’re feeling. You can also check out the Resources page for a list of places that provide help confidentially by phone, email, online chat, or text.
“If you are depressed, have you tried every different type of antidepressant medication out there? (At last count, there were 30). Even if a few types of antidepressants haven’t worked for you, that doesn’t mean that none of them will.”
Will you listen to yourself? You are well meaning, but completely out of touch with what it means to have serious depression. Absolutely clueless!
Olufemi,
I don’t understand your outrage. Medication has helped many people with severe depression; in fact, some research studies have found that medication is most effective when depression is severe. It can take multiple attempts to find a medication that works.
There are other options, too, besides medication; in the most severe cases, ECT (electroconvulsive therapy) has helped people. The potential for negative side effects is significant, but some people feel so desperate in their pain that they try it and are helped immensely.
There also are ways to recover from depression, even severe depression, without medications or other psychiatric treatments, but here I’m addressing your reaction to my comments about antidepressants.
For like 2 months I had such horrible pain I couldn’t feel good in any way.
When I tried to feel good, I felt really fake and it went out even worse.
I just accepted it and I had to be sad.
I had almost no friends and I thought no one will care about me if I die.
I couldn’t perform normal daily tasks. I got reminded of my situation by random things every day. My grades became horrible. I was fighting with teachers daily.
One day I thought: “Why am i having to live through this? I can just go ahead and die.”
But another day I helped a girl to get up when she fell.
Another girl said that I have beautiful eyelashes
Another made friends with me! – this all was in one day!
I thought “What would have happened if I wasn’t there?”
With suicide you are eliminating all the good things.
Think of all the people you won’t be able to help.
Just think.
Anonymous,
This is beautiful and hopeful. Thank you for sharing. I’m sorry I’m late in replying, and I’m grateful that your words have been here to help other readers on this site.
i sometimes think about if im not good enough for this world. my parents dont think im good enough, i dont think im good enough, but i have everything i need. but i just dont know what to to do anymore. i think about suicide, but i dont if i would really do it. I have seen the pain that people go through and i dont know if i would want that for my family. but am i really good enough?
Melissa,
Your questioning whether you are good enough makes me wonder if this article would be helpful to you: “How to Transform Self-Hate Into Self-Compassion.” I don’t know – I couldn’t possibly know – if you hate yourself, but the material in that article might help you to recognize your inherent goodness.
Everything I do always ends up badly. My mind is such a retarded thing and makes choices that are absolutely regrettable. Who would anyone want someone so stupid for their job or even as a family member? Everything I touch breaks and it’s all my fault and no one wants to help me fix myself. It hurts my head and it throbs to think about my mistakes and I just want to go back in time and stop my mistake from happening.
My heart can’t take the stress that’s built up over the years and the regret. I want to be with friends, but my parents keep me caged in this house. I want to commit suicide so I don’t have to live with all this regret and pain. Why would anyone want me to be alive? No one really wants to care about me. I’m just a parasite to those people – eating them away from the insides. I’m afraid to talk to them.
It’s not like anyone would mourn over me, right? 🙁
I know it may be hard to believe it, but there’s going to be someone who’ll care about u, yes at times it may seem like the exact opposite, but there’s some one who cares, and there’ll always be someone who cares, even if u dont know it, and just because there’s no one u know that cares, doesn’t mean there’s not someone u don’t know who cares about u
I’m sorry you’re suffering like this. Your mind tells you very mean things about yourself, doesn’t it? Perhaps this article would be useful to you: “How to Turn Self-Hate into Self-Compassion.”
I also recommend talking with someone about your suicidal thoughts. If you don’t want to confide in friends or family, then one good place to start is an anonymous hotline or text line; see the Resources page for a list of such places.
To end suffering.., an act be rejected because one’s family would then also suffer.., this is a suffering we are demanded to bear. It is like being asked to burn in hell so you can protect the happiness of your family who would rather you continue on than let you go…., just so they can hold on to that happiness or protected state. I often question the morality of placing this burden on those who are considering suicide, as if guilt tripping them into continued and never ending torture is somehow morally justifiable.. It is a cruel world , and so many live in comfortable ignorance of it.
It’s exactly how I feel. I get so mad at my wife and kids for being so needy. If they really loved me they’d let me end my never ending suffering. It’s a never ending paradox of hell.. grrrr
It is because they love you, and because they cant realistically understand your suffering, the ignorance of not personally experiencing it prevents them from understanding. They probably really love you, unable to let you go willingly.
I’ve had these thoughts for years, and I still do. The reason why I choose to stick around is because I don’t know what will happen to me in the afterlife. I need to be reassured that my soul will be at peace once I continue with the self-inflicting act. The truth is there’s nothing left to care about in this world. I hate it with a passion, I always have. Everything is superficial. Reality is ugly. Many have tried to dissuade me from these thoughts….and I had to forcibly retract myself from suicidal ideology, otherwise I would be coerced to stay alive. I mean really? Since when did “help” involve restrictions? It’s so hard trying to find someone who understands me.
I plan on committing suicide very soon. I don’t have anything to live for anymore and at 42 years old I don’t believe there’s much of a chance of things ever getting better. I was severely bullied all through my childhood years and came from an emotionally abusive family and have always been the black sheep. I’ve tried the mental health system and it was no help at all, in fact I was laughed at, made to feel I was a horrible person and labeled, this was after years of being agoraphobic and it took a lot of courage for me to go, they pretty much destroyed any hope I had left of my life ever getting better and please don’t assume I’m delusional or that I’m projecting my own low self-esteem onto them, this is what happened, there’s a lot more to this story but I won’t go into all the details.
It’s not that I expect other people to fix me but there seems to be no real help out there and no understanding of what I’m going through and the truth is I don’t think anyone really cares. Being a man makes it even worse; when you have the issues I’m dealing with you’re seen as weak and incompetent.
If my life has no possibility of getting better then why stick around in this god awful cruel world? I want out of it and who knows maybe there is a heaven or an afterlife where I could finally be loved and accepted for who I am.
Listen,
I know exactly what you are saying. I feel like in many ways you are telling my story,except I am a woman a triple minority one as a matter of fact.
I agree with you 100% when it comes to the institutions,hospitals and their so called professionals. The health care system, many doctors and even security officers are not only ignorant,rude, labelling, deforming people’s characters and destroying lives by pretending to help and cure,when in fact their skills particularly when it comes to North American Doctors are incompetent compare to many doctors in sub developed countries and even some third world countries.
I am on the verge of ending it all as well. I have gone from wrongly accused,to deformation of character, to false allegations,discriminations of all levels from hair,race, skin tone, eyes shape,gender,sexual preference,even my choices of not to drink alcohol and consume drugs has been ridiculed and criticized by many. At the end of the day there are haters everywhere. I am fed up myself of living in a world so simply disgusting all due to the human race and those alike. After this Trump election, I knew he would win and that there would be chaos, however I don’t think any of us saw the entire human race going back to the stone ages in a matter of hours. The hate on the streets,the silent bullying from public workers,the racial profiling by the police.
Honestly, until I make a final decision of what I am going to do with my life, I plan on staying indoors,as far away as possible from people,crowds,hospitals… save my money so I can eat and feed my family. Keep moving exercise, walk,eat healthy and get lots of rest. Will watch a few of my tv shows and listen to some fun calm non depressive non violent music, just positive vibes. For once I will be selfish in my life and try to take care of me to see if there is actually calm after this tsunami I am faced with on a daily basis.
Scott please don’t. I’ve been through it too. I know how it feels, you think about how at 40 there’s no way you could turn your life around, but please don’t do it, it is not too late. In psychology it’s a well studied phenomenon that humans tend to think things will stay the way they are currently. Picture yourself 10 years ago and how much you’ve changed, how much better things were. I know it’s hard to imagine but 10 years from now will have the same amount of change possibly for the better. Why not stick around to see what that might be? again i know it’s pretty cliche but i’d never had a girlfriend or a reason to live, then at 48 i met the woman i had been looking for all along. please believe me when i say i was incredibly close to ending it myself, and that i’m so glad i didn’t. Hold on, you are strong enough even if you don’t think you are. Take it day by day and try to hold on, i am so glad i did. thank you for hearing me out if you ended up reading this.
I can understand a bit of what you’re feeling, though I’m only 15. I’ve tried to get help, telling a teacher. He told my parents, and they haven’t done anything about it, even if they did I’m still not sure if seeing a doctor or counselor would help anyhow, I don’t like talking to people about my issues anyway. I get bullied in school, as I have been since early elementary school and the school’s too ignorant to do anything about it. I’ve considered suicide since I was about 11 or so, and still am honestly.
Aside all of that, even though I don’t know you, I do hope that you can get through the problems you’ve had instead of having to commit suicide. I’m really not sure what to add to this as of now, but I do hope things get better for you.
james, life is a challenge and you have to meet it head on, sometimes the pressure can be so overwelming it brings ppl to the point where you are now,,,try to look ahead and think of the person you can become,,,take 1 day at a time and focus on what you want to be,,,other ppls’ opinions are just that,,opinions,,,mere words,,,i have considered suicide myself but im here and replying to you,,maybe my reason in the here and now is to communicate with you and hopefully give you a new way of thinking about yourself,,tomorrows a new day,,,dont give a shit about the ppl that put you down in the past. pity them for they are not worthy of your attention,,there is beautifully minded,kind ppl in this world james,,you will meet them and your self worth shall blossom,,life really is a short brief moment even if you live to 100, be the new you,,,best of luck james xxx
Anonymous,
Thank you for reaching out with your supportive words. Even if James doesn’t see them, other vulnerable people will, and some will be helped by them, I’m certain.
I want to kill myself because I have been bullied my entire life from primary to secondary school I have no friends and every hates me, my own family have let me know that they hate me and they have also told me I am a mistake an embarrassment and a waste of time and space and I was also bullied by teachers in my secondary school, these teachers told me I was an idiot, told me I didn’t know what studying was and I would never amount to anything, and then one day in secondary school I remember someone calling me an idiot and the whole class laughed at me, so why continue living with this pain, I have gone to Therapy and all the person did was listen to what I had to say that’s it, I cut myself and I self cannibalise to cope but I can’t cope anymore with this pain so I am going to kill myself
I know how you feel. I am in the same boat. I grew up in a small Kansas town who didn’t know how to deal with a transgender child. So they abused me in every manner that could be down. I ended up disabled from being so abused. I live in fear. Fear of people fear of doctors even getting help since I was abused by many of them who were hateful. Now I live in a room. I leave my house 2 times a year to see a doctor for meds. I have 3 people in my life. My elderly mother, an elderly uncle and a childhood friend but none of them live near me. I smoke to deal too. I just can’t see what’s the point? It feels like its been over for me for awhile now. Watch life go by through a window. Just waiting for any kind of peace.
For what you wrote, it seems like you are still very young. Let me tell you, I went through the same things when I was young, and I survived. I used to walk around the school alone, usually trying not to be spotted as a loner; I would just “disappear”. I didn’t have any friends, and I still don’t have any, sort of. All that will not matter at all, I rarely think about it; it’s in the past and it doesn’t matter at all. You will have other opportunities to start over. Don’t try to be someone you are not. I know I’m not the smartest anywhere I go, and I don’t hide it, but I balance it with my drive to help people and being good-hearted. I don’t hide my flaws, and I enhance my strengths.
Hello James,
My life has been just like yours. With the exception that I am a girl. My parents hated me for being born. I live in Texas and only boys are valued here. I also have no friends. In fact, I’ve never had a friend. No one has ever cared about me. I am also a recovering cutter. I started going to Narcotics Anonymous meetings, because cutting is an addiction. It helped a lot. I have been free from cutting for 3 yrs. 7 months. And, Friday I am going to start going to therapy because I was raped. Constant pain and constant fear have been what my life has consisted of. Also, deep tissue massage helped me. Your muscles hold tension associated with bad memories. Releasing the tension and toxins helps ur body feel better. I am still struggling from day to day. But, I understand ur pain. And, I hope u can go to a NA meeting. Because, cutting is an addiction, and only an addict can heal another addict. Because they are the only ones that understand our pain.
Sincerely, Lisa
James I have same story as you mentioned
I am having terrible health problems and suffer from incontinence. People don’t want to get close to me I feel embarrassed .I wanted to have a catheter and a urine bag but my health professional says it will hurt me . I live in the worst country and at best afford baby diapers for use. I stink as hell ihave nothing to stop the odor .l have tried many doctors but hell they say they don’t see anything at diagnosis. I now always think the best solution is to kill myself. In school I was the best student and was always the highest until i got this terrible chronic illness . In my high school it got worse that I avoided going to school and my friends rejected me .i became stressed and lost education and became nothing and the worst person .I have no friends no one close to me .I live with my parents and don’t care about me . I feel alone and should die . I lost everything my education my life my friends …everything. The best solution I found was to kill myself ..but wait just think about the people who will be devastated when you die . Think about Jesus … The single best of the best solution I found was watching the series “The Bible and found that the people in there suffered more than I and I started to think I am better and should NOT KILL MYSELF! !!
I am in so much pain that it’s unbearable, and searching for painless methods of suicide online has yielded nothing but more frustration as I see page after page with reasons why you should NOT be doing it or even thinking about it!!
This article asks us to ponder a lot of questions. But I have some of my own. For instance, why is it ok to bring another human into this world, without their knowledge or consent, and then tell them they can’t leave on their own terms? Why are billions of dollars thrown into suicide prevention programs but not a single cent is spent on curing physical/mental disease and/or exploring root causes of a person’s depression? why is there this huge societal stigmatization on suicide by calling the victim “selfish”, yet the medical industry will take whatever measures necessary to resuscitate you and keep you alive….. even if it means you continue on feeling totally empty and unhappy? Is it because you can’t tax a dead person?
I know you’re probably reading this and shaking your head in discontent, but I’ve been through the whole trials and tribulations. I’ve had time to examine this world from the sidelines and I hate what I see – the unflinching ugliness of society and our world. I don’t empathize or relate to others in many different capacities. I can’t work because of chronic pain and I don’t qualify for social assistance, because some other human – who doesn’t even know me – deems me to be “unqualified” and “unfit” to receive assistance.
With all these types of things going on, it’s no wonder I’ve become cynical. The whole anti-suicide rhetoric is just liberally blathered around because the people who OWN us (yep, you read that right) have a vested interest in keeping us alive….. until they don’t need us anymore and wipe out a huge population with nuclear weapons. And then what? Will it have mattered if I stayed alive and improved?
Suicide is considered a “crime”, which is bullcrap. It’s the same reason why prostitution is also considered a crime. Neither of these two “crimes” involve unconsenting people, yet it’s considered a “crime”. That’s because neither of these can be taxed, monitored and regulated and it’s a huge hit to their accounting ledgers. It has nothing to do with morals and ethics, although that is the narrative they will pretend to push so that society goes along with it.
Bottom line? Everybody has the right to leave peacefully when and if they wish. The fact that voluntary euthanasia is “illegal”, leaving painful and unreliable methods for people to choose from, should be a crime all on its own.
Danny,
I’m sorry you’re suffering like this. Life has obviously been unkind to you. Given all you go through, I can understand why suicide would call out to you, even though I would hate for you to go down that path.
You’re fully entitled to abhor suicide prevention efforts, and I know many others do, too. But for the sake of other readers, I do want to correct a couple factual errors in your comment:
First, suicide is not a crime in the U.S. or in most other countries. Helping another person to die by suicide is a crime, but not suicide itself. So if someone attempts suicide and survives, there is no legal penalty (which is at it should be!)
Second, I wonder if it’s true that billions are spent on suicide prevention, but I know it’s false that no money is spent on curing mental and physical illness. In the U.S., the National Institute of Mental Health funds millions and millions of dollars of research, and its parent group, the National Institutes of Health, does the same for all sorts of illness and disease. I point this out so that you can know there is hope for more effective treatments in the future. (And there already are many effective treatments, though obviously not enough.)
I hope that things get better for you. I would urge you to look at the Resources page on this site and to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK), but I suspect that such a recommendation might further alienate you from the cause of suicide prevention. So please know that that is what I wish for you, while understanding your path is yours alone to choose.
I have almost given up. I have had Depression forever and now im a recluse. Two months ago i even stopped washing and have not left my bed. I am turning 50 live alone and do not know what to do? I can’t even talk about anything anymore and do not allow anyone near me. I am saving pills i have delivered as i know these will do the job. It’s strange because i feel desperate but do not want to bother anyone for help. I am also deeply embarrassed at the state i am now in. I am so selfish, my parents are elderly and need help but i cannot help them. If anyone else is or has been like this, What did you do for help? Please reply
Suzanne,
I can only imagine the overwhelm you are feeling. It must seem impossible to climb out of this hole. It’s not impossible! Please get help with, among other things, breaking down what you need to do into very small pieces so that the overwhelm lessens, bit by bit. Calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline would be a good start; the number is 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). Also please look at other resources at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp. Given the isolation that you are experiencing, even just emailing with someone could be a help; the Samaritans offer such a service at jo@samaritans.org. If you are able to break your paralysis even just a little, you might be able to experience what’s called an “upward spiral” – in contrast to the downward spiral, little actions push you up further and further. I hope you will try some of these things. Given how desperate you feel already, what do you have to lose?
God has you
No amount of medicine takes care of the problems that cause the person to think of killing themselves in the first place.
V,
I think I know what you mean, because often it’s big life problems that seemingly lead to suicidal thoughts, and there is no medication for external events. But sometimes it is depression or another mental illness that leads to suicidal thoughts, and for in many instances those kinds of problems can be treated effectively with medication. Other things, like exercise and light therapy, also can help.
WOW … glad to be with “like” company. My brain resonates with so many comments. I’m almost 60 and have wanted to die for a long time … but my kids and grandkids made me stay. Now … even they don’t matter. I want to go … having fought this demon my whole life, I’m so damn tired ! Especially when no one seems to care about the sadness I’ve lived with. If only I had the energy to get out of bed and score something like fentanyl … in my city, it seems to be killing off everyone. But, also, being religious, I’m scared to do this. And that makes me angry. But thanks to everyone who shared their thoughts.
What I mean is that my mom said things to me and one time she said she had never loved me and wish I had never existed and that I was just a boy that was a mistake and wants to get rid of me so then it’s just her my dad and my two sisters she had always hated me and one time she saw me cry and was just look at me with me remorse and anything she just look at me like if I wasn’t even there
Jaime,
I’m sorry about the painful things you’ve gone through with your mom. I hope things have improved at least a little. If not, please know that you can get help by phone, email, text, or online chat from places listed on the Resources page. In particular, the Samariteen hotline might be helpful to you. (I’m assuming you’re a teen, though I might be wrong.)
What if the reason is because you mom yells at you and you did things that you aren’t proud of doing that affected your siblings in hurtful ways
Jaime I know life seems hard just now but I’m sure your mum does love you and said hurtful things to you in the heat of the moment trust me things will get better you are a good boy x
I am tired of feeling this way. My life has never been easy but I have always tried to make everyone believe that I am always the happy one. Deep inside I hurt. I grew up with an abusive father. My relationship with my mother had been good, or so I thought, until a few months ago when she decided to blow up at me and now I do not feel like I can trust her. My husband means well but has his own set of issues with his parents both in their last days and his own depression. I suffer from a disabling disease that seems to be getting steadily worse and causing me a great deal of pain. Up until now, I always had my daughter that gave me strength to fight. She is off to college now and then will be off to start her own life and I no longer know who or what I am. I have no friends where I live that I am close enough to that I can talk to about how I feel.
I feel alone. I feel like a burden. I feel like I no longer matter or am needed. I feel like I want to die. I think of ways to do it. Yet suicide scares me.
I definitely hear ya !!!
Since we all here are planning to die, then we have nothing to lose. Why not plan a better life with a suicide plan in case it gets worse? I tried that, and this is my second attempt for a better life with an emergency exit (suicide).
i am just 15 turning 16 in a couple of days. And I had to deal with the darkness that I and many others know too well. But how I deal with is not just looking up articles to help me which to be honest most of the time it doesn’t help but the way I deal with the darkness is helping others go through it. The hardships that they are going through. It doesn’t stop the darkness from following me wherever I go but instead it weakens it for a very short while. But seeing another person’s life turn around is what I aim for in Ilife.
From a kid
I have pretty much decided to commit suicide in the near future as I don’t see any other means of escape from my life and this world.
I worked so hard in college to get my bachelors degree in chemistry (which is far from the easiest subject) only to end up in a field that pays poorly with virtually no opportunity for growth…not to mention being treated as an educated slave by the management. I could change career paths, but the job market is cutthroat these days and there is one thing every employer is looking for…experience…of which I have none in any other field.
I also have a baby due in a couple of months with a woman who hates me and wants nothing to do with me at all. I never did anything to her to deserve such hate and neglect to the point she cannot even have a friendship with me for our child’s sake. I never cheated on her or beat her…sure we had a couple of fights where there were some few choice words thrown around, but that’s it. I’ve gotten to the point where I’m so full of pain and sadness, I don’t care about staying alive for my child anymore.
I feel alone and isolated in this world every day…I have no true friends and never did. My self esteem is poor, and that feeling is amplified by the fact that women never give me a second look, and have no interest in speaking with me. I also suffer from social anxiety which doesn’t help me with that situation. The woman I’m having a baby with was drunk when I met her and never appreciated me for who I truly am.
I attempted suicide via overdose last year, only to wake up in the hospital 14 hours later with IVs attached to my arms. I was then put on a 72 hour hold which I absolutely hated…you’re stripped of all your freedoms and treated like a criminal. I tried therapy for a few months…which basically in my eyes consisted of being told by the therapist how she thinks I should live my life, and that her way is the only way. Not to mention she also said something along the lines “there’s no such thing as happiness”…very encouraging words I tell you. I’ve only tried one therapist, but I’ve given up trying another as I’m simply done putting in a ton of effort just to feel a tiny bit of joy (if any at all). The same with medications, I’ve been on several combinations for years, nothing works.
In the end, I have no happiness in my soul and that will never change. It gets harder and harder to get out of bed as the days go on, I’ve lost all motivation and all hope. I just want to die. I’ve prayed to God countless times for happiness, and other times I’ve prayed for death…”please just let me not wake up”, or “please can I die in a car accident tomorrow”. My prayers are never answered…not even sure if I believe in God anymore. My only relief is that I won’t be around much longer to feel this pain…it will soon be time to say goodbye to this world.
I’m so sorry that you too are feeling so much pain right now. I wish I could write something that would make you feel better……
Dear Dan
NEVER KILL YOURSELF FOR A RELATIONSHIP.Especially a superficial one. You owe to yourself and your unborn child to live. If that dreadful woman or person doesn’t want to have a relationship with you well thats just fine. Its her loss. You say you graduated from college with a chemistry degree. That tells me your a highly intelligent person. Congrats. What are the main reasons why you want to end your life? What is the stress in your life that is causing so much pain?
Are you in financial debt ? Student loan? low paying jobs? are you homeless. You are not alone . Please respond to my post. There is hope.
Dan,
My advise to you would be to start doing things that make you happy every single day. It will stimulate your mind and block out negative thoughts, and make you feel like you have a purpose. For me, its hiking, swimming, golfing, running, drawing and spending time with my family. I would also quit your job as soon as possible! And although the job market is tough, its better be alive with no job, than to have a job that makes you want to be dead. Plus you hate your job anyway, so who cares. You are going to spend a lot of your life working, so make sure you love what you do. I was depressed as all hell for 5 years. I decided to do something about it so I moved to California and decided to get a job as a Kayak and Lobster Diving Guide and can honestly say its changed my life. I don’t make a lot of money doing it, but I don’t care. It keeps me alive and I love what I do. I made a lot more money at my previous job in Arizona, but I hated my job and was extremely unhappy. So I ditched it, and now am more happy then I’ve ever been. Give it a try Dan, and stay strong! God bless.
Have you tried saying just saying “F’em all”? I’m serious. I’m in a situation that is very close to yours and the only thing that keeps me going is doing things I love, like video games smut, and reminding myself that people are, in general, worthless. Take your current boss’s money and use it to do what the hell you want to do. To hell with other people or their approval. They treat you like old garbage so why should they be of any value to you? I’m fortunate not to have any kids but to hell with that woman, or any of’em. You’ve lived this long without their help so should they matter? Just do stuff. There’s only one person who can make your life happy and that’s you. Don’t look to others, they WON’T help. Don’t end your own life.
Dan I don’t have advice or suggestions. I can definitely say that I know exactly where you are coming from. Working so hard to graduate with a biology degree and now a masters when no one cares in the real world is the worst. I see people who had fun and got easy majors and are still loving life. Then me who didn’t have time for friends because of studying. Then trying to make friends but they are all superficial. Then having some relationships but no one ever wanting to take it to the next level and get married. So then on to the next relationship with yet another dead end. Grew up in the church but now not sure where i stand on that either. Tried therapy, medicine, hospitalization which is true you are treated like a criminal. All i wanted to do was go home from that nightmare. My family hates that they have to deal with my emotions just like all my past relationships. And they also hate having to pay for the therapy, medicine, and hospital because i’m still “working towards a good job”. So physically im surrounded by people but emotionally i’m alone. Websites don’t help, praying doesn’t help. The only thing that slightly helps is putting more effort into my work because it takes my mind off the pain since it takes a lot of thinking to do science. Then it all just comes back and maybe worse when the stress levels of the workload go up. So back at the circle again. I feel like if we ever crossed paths in life we would connect. But for now i’m alone can’t sleep can’t eat then i eat too much. Nothing has helped and so maybe one day we can find real help
Perhaps that child will bring you purpose and will be the turning point in your life. Maybe this is your chance to leave this dreadful woman and focus on your child. I’m heartbroken because I haven’t had children yet and can’t seem to meet a decent partner. I’ve been alone for so long and life has been so fucking cruel. I am overqualified, overeducated and yet I recently lost my job. I’m forced to relocate to a whole new country and start over again and I’m terrified. I’ve moved around for the majority of my life which left me unable to form strong friendships or relationships. I’m alone and I’m getting older and life isn’t getting easier.
It’s not the fear of death, or the fear of it being your last choice… last decision. It’s when you still have hope… but this depression this feeling is like a monster in my mind and it just gets hungrier it eats all happiness it eats all sense of self wealth.
It’s a consuming force that begs me and tortures me to end it.
The meaning of life: Finding the thing that prevents you from killing yourself on a daily basis.
Truly is the meaning of life.
I’m going to give it a few more years. I’m young and this might pass… but it may not and when that time comes. I’m going out in a awesome spectacle.
I have been depressed for most of my life (57 years old). The last 3 years have been horrible. From Nov. 2013 to Nov 2014, My father died, i broke my sacrum, was diagnosed with kidney cancer, had kidney removed, developed a strangulated hernia, lost 5 feet of small intestines and almost died from septic shock (2 very major surgeries 4 weeks apart), and my mother died a week after the last surgery, so I couldn’t attend the memorial service. I have suffered with chronic pain and memory issues since. During that year, I didn’t feel as depressed as I do now. I was diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder many years ago. Until now, the episodes would last a few weeks and would improve. In between, I was slightly depressed, but I learned to live with it. This episode is nothing like anything I have experienced before. For 6 months (maybe more), I spend most of the day thinking about death and suicide. It’s becoming harder and harder to function. My world is getting smaller and smaller. I miss my grandchildren because I don’t have the emotional strength to get out of the house and go see them. Which makes me feel guilty, which makes me more depressed. I cry–a a lot. If it wasn’t for the granddaughters, I would be more seriously thinking about putting an end to my suffering. I’ve convinced myself that the adults in my life can cope with the loss in a fairly short amount of time. The future looks hopeless, and I feel absolutely powerless to change anything about what’s wrong in my life. The only thing I can do at this point is tell the doctor to put me back on the SSRI. I’ll probably gain more weight and go back to feeling flat emotionally, but not feeling anything is better than this pain. Thanks for allowing me to whine. No one understands what I am going through. If they did, they would probably have me committed. I am trying really hard to limit myself to reading about suicide. It is better than acting on my thoughts. I know how insane I sound, but I can say these things because you don’t know me, and I’ll never have to face you or answer to you. I don’t mean to offend anyone. Strangers are the only people I can really be honest with anymore.
Okay so i don’t know if this makes sense or not. I do feel like killing myself but i know that i won’t do it. Does that count as me being suicidal? I mean i did try a few years ago to do it. I took some pills but didn’t work i only threw up. But i keep having these thoughts. It goes away for sometime for a week or a month or even more but then it comes back. I feel like my feelings aren’t important. Its just me being over dramatic. I haven’t told anyone. I did cut but I’ve stopped because i got scars and didn’t want people questioning it. I always cry most of the nights thinking about how much of a disappointment i am to my family. I can’t help it. I feel like I’m only being a burden to them. I feel like no one would care if i were never to come home or just disappear or die. And the funny thing is they love me, i know that. I feel like they’ll just shed few tears and then their life will go back to normal and i wouldn’t even be a memory. I tell myself that it doesn’t matter, they love me but even then i feel alone. Opening up to people is really hard for me. And i feel like they’ll judge me. I know what I’m feeling is irrelevant. And I’m crying as am writing this. I was fine for so long and then yesterday it all came back. I don’t wanna feel like this anymore. Its really hard for me to trust people, even my closest friends. The thought of people judging me for who i am scares me shitless. Even when I’m walking on the road and when people passing by loom at me i can’t help but feel like they’re judging me for how i look or they’re thinking how ugly i am. I feel hopeless, sad, alone. I feel alone even though there are so many people in my life that i know they love me. That is why i tell myself I’m being overdramatic and what i feel doesn’t matter. That i don’t matter. And i think that if i die, the reason will be me.
Hey, I know what being sad feels like, I like to use the word sad instead of depression because depression is just plain ugly and hard to type. I will like to know more about you, but first let me tell you something I learned in kindergarden that I recently saw again. Your body is your temple, guard it , protect it , be proud of it after all it is all we have. When we try to hurt ourselves we are destroying ourselves literally, is like bull dozing your temple, when you thing negative you are putting graffiti on your temple, every negative thought is another ugly graffiti on your temple, eventually it becomes so ugly that then you want to get on the bulldozer and run over it. But there is always paint that you can put on the graffiti to cover those negative thoughts, but buying paint is not the easy part, is painting your temple again, so every time I paint my temple I paint over negative thoughts I have thought of or things people may have said, it is the hardest but most fulfilling part because as I paint I completely read what the graffiti says I know it’s not true I know I cannot think what everyone is thinking so I can’t make assumptions but when I pass my brush over it, they are completely gone. The whole moral of the story is that you can always re invent yourself, your inner self and then once you become a pro painter you can go around people’s temples and ask them if they need help painting and ask for help to, because it is very hard to paint on your own. I will like to hear more from you, we are all here to help 🙂
Hello, reading your post made me positive. I have been searching for reasons on why I should not commit suicide and you have given me the reasons so thank you. I will continue on with life and achieve the goals I have set for myself
To make a long story short, Ive a broken heart and feel very depress, its hard to go with life, thats all I think about, how less of a person I am than her pass boyfriend, who is in the army, Im going to be a nurse, I am the opposite of her boyfriend, skinny , non native , soft spoken not by choice but because I offer people respect thats the way I was raised, Im no wimp but I feel as I am no value other than to my family, girls take me as a joke because I look young, I know in my heart that I try to be a good person, Im in a family with financial problems who have no one to help us out because we barely have any family here., my main problem is feeling depress at work and trough my whole day, no one knows how bad I feel inside, ive to hold my tears everywhere I go, I cry myself to sleep almost every night, Ive very good self control for a person my age, Im almost like a role model to my family members but no one knows how hurt Im inside, just thinking about it makes tears come out of my eyes. I have a family that loves me, one of my parents is very depress Im her only friend, but I dont wanna make her sad by telling her how much I missed a chance in life to be with my soul mate I know it sounds corny but she is the sweatest thing in the world she completes me I cant even look at other girls because I still love her,,,,,,,,, and how hard it has been for me to be in nursing school has affcted me, My biggest problem is thinking about my life when I eat and loosing appetite, I dont skip meals , I force myself to eat but know one knows how hard it is to eat, how can I get rid of this sadness thats killing me inside. I want to sit down and study and dont think about how less I am to her ex boyfriend who she tells me she still has feeling for after seven moths of breaking up. This really hurts, no cliche quotes can get rid of this crap its almost like an illness but invisible. Im not planning into checking out I just wanna get over this problem and move on, by the way she is in my nursing class too, Im still stuck seen her for another semester, its a reminder of how useless I am. Thanks for reading.
hey JAY… i just need someone who i can talk to at this moment.. is it possible that we can talk and share few things which we are not able to share with anyone.. HOPE is the only thing left… I have made mistake, im guilty for it.. I love this person immensely…. Need help… pleaseee…
Hi Sammer I hope all is well, sorry for answering so late, I really want the best for everyone on this site, no one really knows how much depression hurts, but at least we can all relate into something in here, for me is a group of things that ive not been able to deal with. I dont really know how else to communicate with you but just know that I will keep you in mind……jay
I’m completely stuck. I’m currently 24 years old and i live in an European country. I suffer from severe ADHD since childhood. During my teen years depressions came along. I somehow managed to finish some shitty degree and went on to college last year. I dropped out the first semester in economics (not because of the grades those were good) because i couldn’t handle that emptiness in me anymore. Now I’ve been literally sitting at home for the past 8 months. I don’t go out, i isolated myself from family and friends and i can’t find a job. And even if i was able to find a job everything in life bores me to death. I’m a total failure although i know something in me is worth something. I’m not stupid. As a child i had to make an IQ test and got a score of 127. School never really challenged me on an intellectual level. But i feel I’m stuck in a world where i can’t possibly live up to my potential. I am just different i perceive the world different than many others and it has always been that way or at least i believe it to be so. I despise this society, this system, the educational system etc. I just can’t fit into society and it’s not due to lack of social skills or something. This world disgusts me to be honest. I have absolutely no motivation left for anything. I mean literally anything sometimes I’m even too lazy to eat. The only joy i can find is nature. But how can i live this way? We’re slaves we have to work to produce money… I don’t want to die intrinsically but i see no solution anymore. I’ve tried so many things during my life. Dozens of medications and different therapies, I’ve even been in a mental hospital for five weeks when i was 16. I just recently started a new therapy but i already see how useless it is. Sry for my bad english it’s not my native language.
I feel exactly like you. I don’t know what to do. I have 13 days left before I’m kicked out, after my father assisted in maxing out both credit cards that I somehow got through his lying. I look for jobs, I apply to any job I can find, and I walk in with a resume and I’m told to go online. I go online, and submit everything I could possibly submit but nothing ever seems to happen for me. “What am I expected to do?” I asked, many times to multiple people. I can never get an answer. I’ve had it easy for few years, I pulled my weight with part-time work and odd-job/temporary work, but recently, I’ve been expected to carry more, and I’d be so willing to do so if I were given a chance. I feel like I can’t do anything else but beg for even a chance at a job, endlessly. I constantly wonder, why everyone expects me to contribute to this society, but at the same time, refuse to hire me. I’d like nothing more than to pull my weight, but it’s like I’m facing so much resistance, and I have no idea why.
Maybe I’m clueless, maybe something’s wrong with me mentally because, after all, I did end up here by googling thoughts of suicide, looking to see if anyone feels the way I do. I could talk for hours and hours with pure honesty, desperately looking for a path to take or some clue of what to do next. I never thought I’d consider suicide, but I’m having a hard time finding any downside of me dying. I know I’m worth more, I know what I’m capable of. But how do I start from zero? Why should my life be dependent on strangers, to provide me with honest work. Why do some people get a job instantly without so much as a 2 minute interview? Some of which haven’t even completed high school. How can I advance my education if I have no means of paying for it?
It’s possible that I’m wrong, in general. The way I think, the way I think of the real world. I know I need help, but I hate asking for it. Because no one deserves to hear me struggle. However, I’m struggling for a reason to live right now, Even now, I tear up reading this as I type, because I never thought I’d come to the internet filled with strangers to finally be as open and honest as I am right now.
Last thing I want to say, is that I won’t take myself down without a fight. Though, I’m afraid I’m going to deem my life totally impossible, if I’m still refused even while taking the actions as everyone else, for them to easily find work. I have to fight for me, I have to fight to stay alive. I realize more than ever, that mental illness is so real and more painful than I could have ever imagined, but it’s no excuse for me to not to be able to pull my weight, and I hope someone, somewhere finally cuts me that one break that I desperately need, to prove myself and to prove to myself that I’m worth more than I am right now.
My name is Chris, and I hope not many people feel the way I feel now. Even though I know I’m not alone. Also, to the poster I’m replying to, your story was the first one I’ve ever read regarding this matter, and made me truly realize that I’m not totally alone, and I hope that neither of us reach that certain threshold. I’ve been awfully close, but this is the closest I’ve ever felt to it.
I’m 41 years old. I divorced my ex because of her infidelity and have been trying to heal from this ordeal ever since. My efforts to be a writer have met with little success — it seems only a select few manage to get into that club because they were famous to start with. The disappointment and pain is too much to bear. Why should I stick around? Years of being treated like a slave, ignored, or just discarded because I didn’t have the looks or the money (or both) have led me to conclude that my death would end this turmoil. My best years have passed, and there is no way to relive them.
I’m depressed as shit…
But, oh well… enough about me.
Your writing seems freaking good… Ok, english is not my 1st language, but I can def tell…
Who cares about your ex? Screw her… There are so many more women around… Also, you don’t need someone else…
Anyways, I just bothered to answer bc your writing feels really well written, yet easy to grasp. You should not stop.
That’s just my 2 cents.
Fuck money and looks.
If I had the same level you present on your writing, in my music production abilities I would NOT quit.
Peace.
Also, I have money and looks.
It’s NOT about that.
Hope moderation accepts both my messages.
Peace.
Yeah, also, years have passed, so what?
I’m 30 and feel the same.
We can change our future though.
Sorry I responded in steps…
Just read it again and again.
Hi, I’m 13 years old(female). I’ve been feeling depressed for about a year, though I have not been clinically diagnosed. What caused the depression was that I was sexually abused by a close friend. I have had suicidal thought she, and I have them often. I went to a hospital overnight since cops came to my house from me threatening to kill myself. I have been doing self harm a couple months after the hospital, I would do if daily but now j do it ever once in a while. I honestly just feel like I’m hopeless, there is no point in me being here, that nobody cares about me, etc. This article was nice and all, but it didn’t help me as much. It did a little, but not as much. I also have a boyfriend. Him and I are also really close as friends. I feel like he doesn’t really like me, which I did confront him with. Even though people tell me they like me and that I’m their best friend, i don’t believe them. My mind has changed and so has my personality. I’m down more often, and get more frustrated and irritated quicker. I feel like I’m really annoying and rude to eevrubody. I’m also a little hit of an introvert. I don’t know what to do anymore, I’m so confused and lost. I decided to comment to see if even somebody I don’t know would even give a crap.
I’m sorry if I bothered anybody at all. if I did, please forgive me.
Well let me give a crap then, though to be honest I don’t really know what to tell you. Seems shitty what you are going through and i can’t really relate since I haven’t experienced what you did and I can’t even remember being 13… I think most people feel lost at some point, would be nice if someone would just find you right 🙂 sadly it’s not that easy and you have to try and do that yourself, it’s hard and frustrating, even exhausting, but I believe that if you find something you want to be or enjoy doing that it might be possible to be happy(ish) or at least not like shit. Often times the world will throw so much bad stuff at you and you might loose that believe (how I ended up reading this article).
Luckily I read your comment and wondered what it is that you might want from life, reminding me what it is that I want, so no I wasn’t annoyed by your comment, I’m rather thankful, because it did help me. So thank you, hope you find a way to feel better too ( that does not include hurting yourself). I’m sorry I can’t do more for you.
well shit, that sound rough….well you are 13 right? 13 is way too early to think about suicide, but me i am 30 years old and maybe i didnt get assaulted or anything but i live in a garbage country with no future, i am a loser that still lives with their parents, have no talents, no motivations or dreams and the only reason i am here is because Videogames, i never got a girlfriend and even when i have 2 good friends and 1 Best Friend which took me 16 years to find i am not happy i feel worst and worst the more i live the more i regret my life because at some point my parent wont be with me and since i am useless i wont be able to survive in my own, specially if you live on Venezuela the shittiest country in the world….yet.
If it was possible i would trade with you any day…..well except that i am male and you are female….
I’ve done all the advice and suggestions. Literally. Been suicidal for almost one year and almost every single day of the past year. Been in psych ward twice in five months. Tried and tried antidepressants. Yes, I’m aware there’s over two dozen. The last one I was on made me had seizures. And I lost my job due to liability issues because of the seizure. Antidepressants made me worse. I tell myself almost every day it’s going to be okay. Survived four attempts, nothing I try works. Every one thinks I should be dead from what I’ve done. For some reason I’m here, there’s surely got to be a reason.
I’m 14 and I’ve been depressed for 3 years. It’s been especially bad these past 7 months. I have to think getting my first boyfriend triggered it. I thought he understood me at first, but after we started going out, things went very wrong. First he constantly accused me of not being affectionate enough and just made me feel horrible about it everyday. I tried my best to be good to him, I swear. I kissed him in front of people, even though it made me feel extremely uncomfortable. I always cuddled him, even though it felt way too intimate. He also totally didn’t trust me. He’d constantly ask horrible questions about things like who I’d date if he died. I even found out today that he tried to get my guy friend to ask me out to test my loyalty(my friend refused). But the one thing that made me feel better was that I felt I could be somewhat honest with him, since I always had to act happy around my friends. It got some weight off my shoulders. But then, he decided to stop being honest with me, so I felt I had to stop as well. I found out he went to other people to talk about his problems. All of the people he went to were girls. This really disturbed me. He and I, over time, got to the point at which almost every conversation we had ended in an argument. We finally broke up a few weeks ago. but, personally, it feels more like we broke up a few months ago. Then, my depression got worse than ever. I don’t want to do things anymore. I’m always just sad. Or worse, indifferent. It gets so bad that I feel faint and dizzy. Every day I think that it can’t get worse than it already is and I always get proven wrong the next day. I’ve tried to reach out to friends, but they always just get awkward and change the topic. They just don’t take me seriously. I’ve tried reaching out to my parents in the hopes of getting a psychiatrist and prescribed antidepressants but They don’t believe I’m depressed. I just feel so lonely. I can’t do this anymore. The only thing keeping me from chugging down a bottle of pills is my Christianity. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I just hope I don’t lose control and I hope that things get better. I just felt like writing that down so that somebody would know that I’m in pain. Thanks for reading.
I have been in a abusive relationship for over 5 years. I am a guy and this women has pretty much killed me. I have tried to leave her but she ended up pregnant and I wanted to be there for my son. She has hit me with bats frying pans u name it. I am not allowed to hang with my friends as she says she has none. I work 5 to 7 days a week. And that’s all I do. My neighbor finally called the cops on her but she just getting a slap on her wrist from the judge. The minstry is taking my son away i am not allowed in my house as the court says she has no where to go so she has to stay there. I have already suffered a heart attack from her and i am only 25. I have to declare bankruptcy and now I have lost my son I have now lost everything else so tell me how I can rebuild how can I trust a single person again. I want to take my own life as I have nothing left and no one to even help.
Would you be able to stay alive if you think about how you may be able to see your son again sometime? I always try to think of something or someone to keep me alive.
I am so sorry that such a horrible woman have ruined your life in this way and I hope you will be able to take your life back and heal, but I know it won’t be easy. You’re strong for having made it as far as you have and you may be able to keep on fighting if you have a reason, and the best reason I can find is your son.
Ive been through a lot, name it.i got molested and almost raped by my own father…im only 43 yrs old and i survived..but now i get married i thought i will have somebody to make me feel im loved but why its not what i expected. Im doing everything he wants me to do as in everything i even giving him a bath and scrub him from head to foot..clean his nails every 5 days,everythings ready his food his clothes his coffee everything..why i wasnt treated right?i even telling him go out with his friends,relax and go out and do what he wants but hes always grumpy all the time. He even throw everything on me when hes stress at work..he even accusing me of having interest on other man. I dont even go out with my friends if i go out hes with me. Im taking care of my children,i do all the works in the house and i dont complain. Why i deserve to be mistreated. I even get yelled sometimes just for asking him what he wants me to cook for supper.. Im just thinking of my 2 young ones…im having suicide thoughts but im thinking of my children 5 and 6 yrs old,how they can live without me?
I have graduated mechanical engineering in 2015 I really don’t know what to do with my life.. And I am also a coward who can’t take his life…
I wonder if anyone has a positive reason to kill themselves
I’ve been going through heavy depression for about 4 years (25 yr old now) and little quotes have been a big help for me. One of the ones that kept me going was “where there is life there is hope”. Even if you’re doing nothing with your time and you’re wasting away doing things you don’t enjoy there is always the chance that things will improve… I think most of us can remember a time we were happy and if not there’s always a hope we can create moments of happiness in the future. Death is final, As sad as it sounds I’ve thought many a time that even if I’m a complete failure in life there’s still albums, computer games and people that are worth waiting for. Also there’s a comical Winston Churchill quote that goes : “If you’re going through hell : keep going” hopefully that’ll help some of you out there.
DISTRACTIONS. Video games
I have a brother that wants to take his own life. He said that he had enough of this world. He said that me smoking is the same thing as if I was to kill myself, he is saying what I am doing to myself is no difference than he taking his own life. Do you agree with him?
Well that’s a rather grim outlook on it but calculating the long term problems smoking will bring up it is kind of true. In the sense of you doing it subconciously while your brother fully knows the harm he is doing. I hope your brother is still with you and that you (if you want to) quit smoking to live a healthy future. Take care
I have no one in my life.
Fake relationships. People that lie to me use me and laugh at me. People that ignore me when I try to reach out.
The only thing anyone ever notices about me is my height. It’s the worst thing ever. No one will talk to me. Date me. Approach me. Be a friend. They make fun of me. Point at me on the street and make comments like I’m some kind of circus freak. There’s nothing I can ever do about it. I can help what I am.
I’m on medication now. I’ve tried therapy. Even the psychologist ditched me. Canceled appointments without telling me. Wouldn’t listen. I’ve been on so many other meds. Any time I try to tell anyone I’m having a hard time they tell me to get over it. Try harder. Stop complaining. Add more meds. I’m so sick all the time. Tired.
I get bullied at work and I don’t know why.
I can’t take being in my life any more.
But I’m too much of a coward to end it.
It didn’t work last time.
Please don’t… You don’t sound like one of the people that should leave
While this sounds like a ‘line’, there is more right with you than wrong with you. I encourage you to know yourself, who you are deep inside…perhaps who you were as at some happy time in your childhood. That essence of you is who you really are…and you will find you are wonderful and unique. When this happens, you will find you begin to stand up for yourself either aloud or simply internally (or both). Not in an angry or hurt way, but in a matter of fact way, maybe even in a ‘what’s up with you?’ (speaking of the other person) way. Because those who bully or make fun are the ones who are lacking…and you will begin to know this deeply.
I’m trying to kill my self for different reasons. One reason is people in my local area attack me over my health problems and get me into trouble for my health problems they think is illegal at them it’s not it’s just health problems and I’ve tried many things to kill my self with nothing working. I just have to carry on as best as I can cause nothing killing me off.
Can you report those people for discrimination based on your health problems?
Hi I understand, you are a victim and you have done nothing wrong, don’t internalise it, externalise it by turning it round on them. By this I mean they are bullying you because of your health and you can report this to the police and your health/doctors. Be strong as you taking your own life won’t resolve the issue as the same people will victimise someone else and they will commit suicide as well. So be strong and don’t commit suicide as they are disgusting and ignorant and you are not. Please don’t harm yourself in any way. You don’t deserve to die because of people who are nasty. They are not worth it. They are horrible and ignorant. You aren’t. You care and have feelings so don’t let the bad guys win. Trust me you are worth more than they are and you need to realise that.
I screwed up with something major in my life, and it has caused me to consider suicide. I was in the psych ward for a little bit, but got myself released. I recently had another bout with my suicidal thoughts and my sister called the police. They took me back to the ER and almost admitted me back to the psych ward. I’ve been depressed over all of this stuff and I’m still thinking of ways to kill myself. I realize how hurt my family will be, but I strongly believe suicide is the only answer. I keep playing out scenarios in my head of how I would comitt suicide.
Thinking. That is a problem. Depressed people sleep a lot, because when you sleep, you do not have to think. I became an adrenaline junkie. Exercising, such as swimming, biking, hiking, kayaking, weight lifting kept me very occupied. Pretty soon my body was so physically fit, and my body chemistry was working at an optimal level, that I became a very emotionally stable person. Then I married (at 32). She totally disrupted my life, instead of complementing or enhancing it. 20 years later my money is gone, my credit destroyed, and my health has significantly deteriorated. Consequently I have become a very emotionally unstable person. So I am here. And I am thinking way too much again. Like you are. I tell you what, Alicia. Right now I will pray for you. And you do the same for me. Even if you ‘don’t believe’, do it. After all, if there is no God, what does it matter if you spend 5 minutes saying some words out loud? Who besides you would ever know? But if there is a God, maybe, just maybe he will answer.
I’m 27 and I have reoccurring suicidal urges. I’ve lost every romantic relationship I’ve been in, including a broken off engagement, and I’ve failed in every attempt to heal my broken heart. I have failed to write the book I wanted to write. I’m full of ideas, but completely incapable of expressing them. I’ve lost my faith, which was once a pillar that kept me steady. I have comfort, a little money, and a couple good friends, and I wish this were enough to keep me enthusiastic for life.
I read this article and I think to myself that so many of the joys in life, the little things like seeing sunrises, spending time with a good book, walking in summer, listening to music; all of these would make life bearable, but distracting myself from the pain in such ways would be a full time job. This is to say nothing of the other weighty of the responsibilities I bear. I have work and grad school. When I have time off, I can be at peace. But when I am forced back into the circumstances of my reality, I want to leave it all.
I’ve tried positive thinking. But my depression has spawned demons in my head. I hear voices. No, no actual auditory hallucinations. But for each pleasant thought, for each good memory I have, the voices find a way to taint it, to make me turn in on myself in self-loathing. For 27 years, the voices have made me hate myself. The longer I am alive, the more mental thought associations they corrupt in my brain.
I am collapsing under the weight of my own existence. And the worst part is that I’ve considered every possible alternative option. No matter what I do to stave off the idea that I should die, I keep drifting down into a suicidal stupor. I never go through with it. I’m not brave enough. Or I think that perhaps things might get better and I’ll have killed myself 5 minutes before a miracle comes my way. This thought, along with some brute survival instinct, are all that keep me alive.
I don’t know what to do. I don’t think I’ll kill myself, but I don’t think I’ll live either. You can destroy people without killing them. Have I been destroyed, only to keep living?
None of this matters. I wrote this longwinded mess of words in a drunken stupor. In the wild mess of anonymity that is the internet, this confession of mine has meant nothing. I’m not even sure I’ll accept help if someone offers it. I just wanted so badly to say what was on my mind, and for someone to read it.
Hey James, thanks for sharing your feelings, that is – in my experience – the first step to getting better. Talking about how I am struggling have helped me a lot actually, I was incredibly suicidal about 6 months to a year ago until I found the right psychiatrist so, as hard as it is to believe, sometimes there is hope.
Do you talk to your good friends? I am sure they’d appreciate your trust in them and maybe they can help, if even just a little. Either way it’s good to share our pain with someone, keeping it trapped only inside our minds is toxic.
I don’t know what else to say because I still struggle a lot myself and I haven’t really found THE ultimate thing that helps me, but I know how hard it is to think positive thoughts, but sometimes you don’t have to do exactly that to get better.
Other than talking with friends and/or a psychiatrist I would suggest self-help books. Yeah, I know, stupid, right? They may not be helpful for each and everyone, and I used to be very much against them myself, but I’ve reached a point in my life where I am desperate for them because I feel stuck in life and they give me hope that they will be able to help me help myself.
So far the best ones I’ve read are Mindsight by Daniel Siegel and Self-compassion (?) by… I think it was Kristine Neff or something.
You should also try looking into ACT – Acceptance Commitment Therapy, maybe that is something for you!
I hope you start feeling better soon and that you move forward in life. I have faith in you!
Give the the mysterious stranger by Mark Twain a read. It made me feel OK with hating the world and humanity as a whole
me too buddy
Hi, James! I hope, you can try to pause & read this message. I myself is suffering from depression for almost 5 years now. It is difficult. Even until now, but I tried my best to cope. At first, I don’t want to believe that I’m suffering from depression. So, went to see the doctor and they confirmed that I am suffering from it.
I’m not a bad person, but because of the things that life brings me, I find it difficult to cope. Thinking of suicide makes me think that I’m a bad person (just my opinion). I’m not saying that people who thinks of suicide are bad, coz they are not. Just like me, people with depression find it difficult to cope with life.
I used to be strong, a happy person. I guess that strength is still there, but not as happy as I used to be. I’m a very religious person and even asked for a sign, to show me that what I’m doing is bad, & miraculously I’ve seen some signs. I pray to Him and ask to please lighten up my problems because I might not be able to carry them anymore. You know while I’m typing this there’s tears in my eyes. I don’t want to leave my loved ones. I know I’m important to them and I know they love me as well.
All I can say is, please, please, please think about those people who love you.
I may not know you (people who suffers depression like me), but don’t lose hope.
To those people who suffer from depression like me, try reading some inspiring books or accept advise from people who cares about you. Try eating some uplifting food.
I’m 16 and I have nothing to live for. I have always been socially awkward and I can’t hold a conversation with people I don’t know. I’ve slowly been losing my friends. Before this year I have never gotten below a B but now I have gotten many F’s and lots of D’s. I’ve been talking to two therapists but that hasn’t been helping. I rarely go to school anymore and my vice principal said he will take me to court if I have poor attendance this term. My depression and anxiety keep getting worse and I am so alone. I keep getting mood swings every day. The medication I’ve tried hasn’t worked. My mom keeps punishing me when I slip up by taking away my car, grounding me, taking my phone away, and much more. My parents think I deserve to go to jail but I never thought I was a bad person. I used to be really smart and I wanted to be a brain surgeon but now I’m considering dropping out of high school. Everybody talks about me behind my back and it sucks. I have gotten into some drug abuse but none of the hardcore stuff. I never sleep and I’m hardly ever hungry. I keep thinking about how I’m going to end my life. The only person I trust is my brother but our relationship is getting worse. I don’t want to live the life I’m headed towards.
Hey Chad, I hope you’re feeling better
I quit school before I even finished 10th grade so I understand how stressful school is and I don’t think your vice principal is helping with his attitude, neither is your mom with her punishments. They should support and encourage you, not make you feel more pressured and bad.
I know it’s probably scary just to think about, but if you’re already feeling so bad you want to die have you thought of talking to your family about how hard everything is? You could start with your brother since he’s the one you trust the most – your relationship may even be getting worse because you’re struggling (I am not saying it’s YOUR fault, just that sometimes our personal struggles affect our relationships and it is out of our control – it has happened to me many times.)
As for everyone talking behind your back – everyone gets talked about behind their backs. Humans are flawed and we do stupid shit all the time because of it, but just because someone says bad things about you doesn’t necessarily mean they really think of you that way entirely, we can’t all like everything about a person or the things they do – but if they do, don’t give them anymore of your time or energy. And also, what they say or think about you isn’t necessarily true! If you can, try to surround yourself with people that you like and trust and who makes you feel good.
Last but not least: Try to have some compassion for yourself. I don’t think you sound like a bad person at all, I think you sound like a soon-to-be-a-young-man who’s struggling with things that are difficult and hard on him and wish someone would have faith in him.
I have faith in you, Chad, I think you’re strong and I think you can make it through this, but you may need to work a little bit for it because life is unfair like that, as if being alive in the first place isn’t work enough. Try talking to people you may not have talked to before – like your parents or your brother, tell them how you’re struggling, appeal to their sympathy and fight for yourself because you deserve it. You deserve to be heard and understood and helped and supported. You deserve to be able to move forward in your life.
I hope that one day I’ll read about a famous brain surgeon named Chad.
You are so young please don’t kill yourself. You have a lot ahead of you. You have just begun to live. Pray and try to have positive thoughts about what will happen in the future. Suicide is so permanent. I’m 42 but at 18 my long term boyfriend of 6 years killed himself. To this day my heart still breaks and no matter how much I cry I can NEVER bring him back. One day you may find a soul mate. You have so much to hope for. Please be strong and look for solutions that are not suicide.
Thank you for this article.
“There is a good saying: Don’t quit five minutes before your miracle”
This put a smile on face I got to read this part after I prayed with my kids…they came in the room and saw me crying. ..again thank you
To look at me you would never believe it; I’ve been bullied my entire life, students, teachers, bosses, family. I’ve had only my mother to go to, but she is tough love and doesn’t want to deal with my problems. I have much love in my heart for those who are unfortunate and at the same time much anger for those who take advantage and hurt people. I have no friends, all those who I thought were my friends have betrayed me in some way.
I’ve been told that people think I’m “cocky”, I find that so hard to believe. I’m quiet and have been told I’m good looking many times, but I don’t see it. I’ve spoke with psychiatrist with no real help. I can’t hold down a job and don’t know why; I go to work, I’m pleasant, I do my job the best that I can. I’m well educated, well spoken and professional. Women managers seem to hate me, and I don’t understand why.
The cards are stacked against me and have been from birth. I was nearly aborted as my father’s parents wanted my mom to terminate the pregnancy. I tend to believe that maybe I should not be here and my presence is disrupting something, this would account for nothing going my way despite my efforts. I’ve been fighting for nearly 48 years and I’m tired. I’m like a man treading water with nothing to grab as I weaken; I don’t know how much time I have left.
This may not help you or you may have already tried this, but it helps me at times and that is helping other people. Sometimes knowing that I helped someone else in even just the slightest way keeps me going. I’m not going to lie, life is a bitch, I’m just like you, I can’t keep a job, I’ve lost a lot of friends, but I help people in anyway I can. And that is what keeps me going.
I want to die, but I’m only fourteen and feel like if I ever die, it’ll be for no reason. But I’m only in ninth grade and stressed out to the point of depression and anxiety. A couple of days ago, I was having a panic attack during school, and was texting my boyfriend to help myself calm down. He really helps me and understands my anxiety and depression, because he deals with them too, as well as a couple other mental illnesses that I won’t put out there. Then, as I was about to thank him and apologize for disrupting his lunch time, (he goes to the same school, we just have different lunches), the teacher told me to put my phone on his desk. As I was about to ask him, on my way out of the classroom, if I could possibly have my phone back, he told me to sign a form and my parents have to come pick up my phone. I went home and told my parents, expecting to be yelled at, which ended up happening. I was yelled at and almost beaten, and I know I’m still a minor so I can’t defend myself and I deserved the lecture because I shouldn’t have been on my phone in class, but it was an act of desperation. I didn’t want to start crying in the middle of a class with 23 boys and only 1 other girl, who all would assume I’m being a hysterical bitch on her period. I tried to explain this to my parents, as a sort of excuse not to get in more trouble. But they only saw the fact that I can’t stop texting my boyfriend and that I’m addicted to my phone, and I don’t want to say it’s true but it could be. I feel so stressed out because of that, because of my bratty little brother who only ever listens to my father and blames his fits of anger on his bipolar, school, sports, the pressure to go to my family’s church every Sunday and Wednesday, despite the fact that I don’t believe, and everything going on in my life. I feel like I shouldn’t be stressed out because I’m only a freshman, I’m not under pressure to get a job, I get allowance every once in a while, and I have a ton of free time most days of the week. I’m falling into depression, and my boyfriend is trying to help me, but I can never talk to him because my sadness makes him feel at blame because he’s too busy to help most of the time, but my parents aren’t there for me. My friends try to help, too, but they don’t really understand. I feel so hopeless and I don’t know why, or how to stop feeling so hopeless. I feel like I should just kill myself, but I don’t want to ruin my boyfriend’s life. He’s told me I’m his reason for living, but I’ve been cheated on by my ex and he told me the same thing, and I don’t know whether or not I trust him fully yet. He’s the only reason I’m still here, but I’m so incredibly fucked up mentally, I feel like I’m just stressing him out even more than he already is. I have horrible trust issues and a nearly crippling fear of anger, and he understands, but I feel like I apologize too much to everyone, and I cry over stupid things and I feel like my feelings aren’t valid anymore because of my parents’ lack of understanding. They only see the bad in me, my problems, and never any of the good I’ve been trying so hard to be. All I ever do anymore is get yelled at, have anxiety attacks because of the yelling, talk to my boyfriend about it in order to calm down, and sleep. I don’t eat anymore, even though my boyfriend asks me if I’ve eaten everyday. I feel so empty and so out of place, my boyfriend tries his best, but he doesn’t help me anymore, but I don’t want to break up with him because I love him too much to do that. I only stress him out though, so I feel like killing myself would be a better option than anything. My parents wouldn’t care if I committed suicide. My sister might, but my parents and my brother wouldn’t.
I love you and want more than anything for you to feel better, please talk to someone in a position to help you (like a school psyciotrist), tell them about how you feel and what is going on. I would also really (REALLY, like I mean actually do it! :)) recomend you study a bit of Buddhism and read some teachings, see if that strikes your fancy.
My girlfriend went through everything you’re going through when she was your age, and well, so did I. The trick is everything can be fixed at your age as well as any age. Right now you can give your self any future you want. Why not take that chance and make something of it? You’re obviously very bright, I think you can do great things but you need to take steps as well. 1. Try trusting people. Sure you will get hurt a couple times but that’s how you ween out the fake friends from your real friends. 2. What do you want to see your self as when you’re older? Forget about your parents, your boyfriend, and everybody else. What do you want? Because what ever it is you can make it happen, sure it won’t be easy, but you can make it happen. 3. The world can break you or you can make it your oyster, which will you choose? Because I can guarantee you can do either. And if you still can’t give your self an answer for any of these, think of how differently you will feel about this in the future. If you could speak to your future self what would you say to your self? Really, give it a thought. 4. There are always people that are able, willing, and would love to help you. Sometimes they can seem difficult to find but they are out there. If it’s someone on the internet or someone at your school, there is always someone willing to help. I hope this helped, God bless. Don’t forget to give it your all, and I bet you have lot more in you than you know.
I have really been contemplating suicide lately. I am 34 years old and married with a 9 month old daughter. My wife has already threatened to leave me. I am going to jail in the next couple of months for a decision I made in almost a year ago. I have read that suicide rates in jail are so much higher than in the free world. I would much rather do it out here so that it is done right and I don’t mess it up trying to do it in jail where resources are limited. I have made the best of my 34 years and I don’t see much of a future so why live in pain. Without my freedom or family there’s really nothing left.
What about your daughter? When she gets a little older she’ll want to know who her dad is. You may not care how I see it but you say you have no family yet I can imagine a beautiful daughter wanting to spend time with her family. Yeah even if your wife wants to leave you, you still have a daughter who will want to know you, grow up with you, seek your guidance that only a father can give. When she gets older and gets married she’ll want you to walk her down the isle. It’s never too late to make a change. I don’t know your entire situation, but from what I’ve read you are a father to a soon loving daughter (especially once she gets a little older), after that maybe even a beloved grandfather. There is a lot you can do, to turn things around just seek out the correct resources and jail isn’t forever (again I can’t be sure of your exact situation but unless you killed someone jail or prison usually aren’t forever). You can do this, if it is of any help I have faith that you got this.
Jail is the weirdest environment you will be in. Seriously, it’s more weird than terrible. Always keep your nose in a book when you are on the inside. Most people will not bother you. Also, tell people you are an alcoholic (whether you are or not) and join the AA group on the inside. This will also help to keep you safe. While you are on the inside, if you have a lot of time, use it to come up with a plan for life (re-train on all those tax dollars) once you get out. If you are going to be a short timer, that’s almost harder in a way because you are going to come back out to the exact situation you left. If your wife wants to leave you, let her go and that’s that, because chances are you will not be in a position to ask for forgiveness or make it up to her. Just let her go and start over. Your new criminal record will make it hard to get employed, but that can be managed as well. Go to some trade school to learn something new (not too long a program though). After you graduate, you will have a certificate and some school backing that will get you into a new employment situation. That’s how to do it as an ex-con, unless you want to go back into crime, but I would not recommend that. You are on the grid now, and you are glowing in the dark. Better play it safe. Also, I would highly recommend that you learn to pray, develop a relationship with God even though you may hate his guts right now. In time, He will clear up the mess. Once your head is on straight, and your life has turned around just a little bit you can think about rebuilding old relationships or beginning new ones. I’m with you in spirit my brother. I have been where you are and it sucks mother of ass, but it does get better. Hang on.
I have just so tired I have been in military for a little while I feel 20 years older I’m running out of things to keep me going.some days I say maybe to this might be the day I do it
Hey, I feel your pain. I’m in the same situation your in right now. As a Marine we are trained to be mentally and physically strong for combat, but military never prepare you when rotate back to the real world. I suffer from PTSD and depression. After my relationship with my ex fiancé is when I went into depression and found out later that I suffer from PTSD. Now everyday I’m haunted by all my mistakes both in the military and my relationship. Everyday it’s a battle in my mind to commit suicide. I wish I could give you some advice but I can’t b/c I want to die too! We are warriors with green faces but we are also human too!
I am going blind. So, right now I am preparing to do it and as well asking my children to accept it.
Jasminsanty,
I’m so sorry about your eyesight. It’s hard to fathom losing the ability to see, and I can understand how that could make you feel hopeless and suicidal. I’m wondering though if there are some possibilities that you haven’t considered, not in terms of restoring your sight, which I assume from what you’ve written is an impossibility, but in terms of restoring your hope. I say this because many people who lose their sight feel devastated and hopeless at first but then come to find that their life still has meaning. Some people benefit from getting services for blind people, such as vocational training (often financed by the state) or a service animal or a personal aide. Some people find meaning in unexpected ways (for example, by experiencing a heightening of the other senses or by deepening their spirituality amid loss). Many things are possible, though I recognize how hard it must be to even think of such possibilities amid the grief and fear (and anger?) that can move into the space once filled by sight.
I hope you will consider asking for help with your suicidal thoughts. You could always simply postpone your decision, try other possibilities, and re-evaluate after a certain period of time. If you do decide to seek help, one place to start if you are in the U.S. is the national lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). You can also find a list of places to receive help by phone, text, or online chat, at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp
I wish for you hope, peace and emotional healing!
Hi.. i’m 20 this year. It’s been 5 years i always try not to kill myself. i have problem with relationships, family and my study. Many people dont understand how i feel and always pretend like “I can do it, which means you also can do it too”.
Firstly, my parents dont like to see me play game online. my parents always push me to always study and forbid me play game online. and they said to me if i play game online, i will be punish and if i failed my subject i take, my dad and my mom dont want me anymore. every time i always being watch by my sister and my aunt, my prents told them to watch me if i play the game, they need to inform my parents. i feel like i’m in the prison with no freedom and always think my life is sucks. in the past i have failed my subject for three times.
second, i always breakup everytime when i have relationship, many people just used me in order to forget their ex-boyfriend. one of my ex told me that i always think negative and too fast to think about relationship for future.
Thirdly, just like i said i like playing game. when i’m in bad mood or mood in gaming, i want to play the game but still i suddenly think about what happen if i played the game and my sister and my aunt will tell my parents if i play the game. just now i play game because i want to make myself a little bit happy (just finish my first homework and it’s been 2 weeks i havent play game). but my aunt call my mother in fromt of me and told my mother that i play game and no study (i’m study and i’m just finished my first homework and i’m BORED!)
I’m too tired for living this life.. many people said to me that more people in this world more unlucky than me. But i think it’s not because of unlucky. but because of people dont understand how i feel and always push me.
I believe the way you feel is very normal. You are at the age where you want to be your own person and do what makes you happy. You are becoming an adult and your parents love you and want you to succeed in life. They know how hard life can be and want to prepare you for your future so in the long run you can live a happy life. You need to find a balance between playing games and study. Soon you will be on your own and no one can control you unless you allow it. You will make decisions for yourself and hopefully chose the path which will lead you to happiness. You are the Master of your Universe !
I doubt very much anyone is going to “suffer” from my death. Who cares if i die or not? Seeking counseling is pointless because I don’t trust therapists. They don’t care about how I feel nor do they want to listen to what I have to say. I can’t get anything off my chest because it’s “trendy” to be always positive and never negative. My feelings don’t count for anything, and everything I say is in the wrong, or they think they know you better even if they just met you, so why bother? Either be alone with my thoughts or end it so I don’t have any. I’m just so very tired of dealing with a backward world in which I never have belonged. Does it matter? I don’t matter, so why should dying matter? At least it would be peaceful and end the pain.
J, I do not know what you’re going through, but I do know this. I’m suffering. You may be suffering, too.But there are always ways to help. I think about killing myself all the time because in my eyes, im worthless. think about your family. think about your friends. think about your future. we love you so please stay in this beautiful world.
I don’t think I’ve any reason to live…. I let everyone down with my poor academic result…I used to be a great student, I was always a topper so when I come down to this kind of situation, disappointing everyone who believed in me, I feel like why should I ever stay here making myself miserable terribly.I thought of asking my parents for chances but its not the first time they will hear me pleading like this….they have given me enough chances, I still haven’t woke up, why should I ask them to accept my unreasonable choices….best thing for everyone, my parents,my school teachers who still think I’ll get good marks making them proud…….is for me to leave this world…..I thought I was the luckiest girl on earth for there wasn’t a single thing that made me feel depressed,I thought God was always with me as I got everything I ever wanted but maybe it was all just to finally encounter this big despair…..can someone pliz tell me what to do coz there ‘s nothing that I can think of right now….
Hey.. so sorry to hear your at that stage… it is hell… and seems each of our hells are a bit different.. Know that you HAVE a purpose , if you don’t feel loved.. it WILL happen, and , hard as it seems to believe,, it is worth the pain,,
I didn’t wait () several times,, guess wasn’t my time…
would love to discuss the ‘G’ word with you, but seems ‘management’ has an aversion to it… but, if we can’t talk about ‘G’ there are more people than ever!! that are in the G business or have sites if ya google em, that don’t have the negative perspective of mental health.. and will talk without comdenation wrt the suicide debate..
the light at the end of the tunnel is NOT a train,, no matter how one feels sliding down the slippery slope..
be well, you are LOVED,, you are VALUABLE and it is ok to be human,, and no one including society and the pc crowd can judge.. as for grades…. look back in 20y and see if they really should have had such an influence on who you thought you were and perhaps ,,value the great person you are !! take care 🙂
David, I thank you for being respectful of my wishes. This site is not a place for people to preach or otherwise try to get others to turn to religion, especially a particular religion. For that, as you mention, there are other sites.
One day, if I ever tame my monstrous to-do list, I will write a post for religious people about resources for suicide prevention. Please feel free to send some ideas. Oh, and by the way, it’s fine to say the word “God” in a comment; where you wrote “‘G’ word,” I am afraid some people might think you mean “government”!
What to do if you don’t have anyone in your life who cares about you? There is no one who would be sad if I died
I am in the same situation as you. Reading your question actually gives me a modicum of comfort. `i’ve decided that I’m too tired to take suicide action today. I’m bored to be honest. I have a vague feeling that this may pass – so I might wait until tomorrow, or the next day, or the next. Perhaps that’s best – for me, and for you. I don’t know if I will choose to continue, but, oddly, I hope that you do, and I will think about you, whoever you are, tomorrow, and the next day. I don’t know why but I hope you choose life. And I hope you can smile again. Here’s a rather inexplicable and virtual hug.
Same boat. sending love. we can try to care about eachother at least.
Im 14, but my parents hate me for my grades, and im trying, trying my hardest. Were moving to korea my dad’s gone, and I feel so angry, depressed, and have been starving myself.
im 14 as well, i have my friends. that is my chosen family, because my actual family doesn’t understand. I have an eating disorder, depression, and anxiety. there is light at the end of the tunnel, not a train. please, eat something, even if its just in small amounts, just enough to live on. believe that there is hope, or at least pretend that there is. please know that even if i don’t know you i can sympathize and i hope that you can see that you and everyone else deserves life
Thanks for the great article, I have suicidal thoughts since 2 years ago… to begin with, these are my hardships :
1- I’m an atheist in a muslim country, which means : finding a wife in such a country would be like looking for a needle in a haystack. Besides, I can’t tell anybody about my thoughts.
2- Even if I find a wife / girlfriend , I have aspergers… I can’t communicate with people. I lack the skill and confidence to do that. I spend my whole day on my computer, programming, learning different stuff (science, languages, philosophy…etc), and playing games.
3- I’m almost 28, and I’m virgin …
4- My childhood was a complete darkness : poverty, bellyings at school, isolation, rejections…etc.
When I look at my life, it’s very empty of any meaning … All I have left is my dreams !
Typo : bullyings … by the way, I have other symptoms that make me feel anxious :
1- I don’t like buying new clothes
2- I don’t like hanging out with people
3- I don’t like traveling
4- I don’t like it when others show care for me.. I usually reject their offers for help. because I feel so distant.
Mohamed, I know a little about some of the darkness you mentioned and understand some of the challenges of aspergers – but I think you can still find some enjoyment in life. I know you said you don’t like being around others though – but there must be some things you enjoy in life. What are those things? I mean, do you like swimming, riding horses, writing stories, making apple pie, listening to music, drinking cappuccino? even the simplest joys can make another day worthwhile. you don’t have to have a life exactly like the picture you imagined. some people don’t end up with wives/husbands and that is okay too. maybe you will always have struggles interacting with others – but it can get better. I think if you have access to a good counselor or therapist to process everything with, that would be ideal. Good luck to you!
I’ve never considered or thought I’d ever think about committing suicide, but tonight for the first time I’m my life I’ve been sitting here for the past 2 hours seriously considering and contemplating ending my life. The past 3 years have been nothing, but misery and self doubt. Ill be 32 in March. About 3 years ago I went through a divorce with a woman that I loved and cared for with a intense passion. I sit here and talk about how much I loved and cared about her, yet I lied to and wasn’t honest with. I work in construction and had some injuries and severe pains that required some surgeries on my back, but at 25 I felt I was to young for surgery on my disc in my back. So the doctor said my other option to help deal with my pain would be to go to a pain clinic. Which I quickly accepted that idea without researching the pros and cons of taking pain medications on a daily basis. These were strong medications and I never thought at the time of becoming physically and mentally dependent on them. My wife felt that half my scripts should be hers. I guess because she thought I was just having fun on them and enjoying a high. I don’t think she realized the seriousness of the severe pains I had in my back and knees. She played soccer her whole life and was also in a couple of car accidents. She was never seriously hurt in any of these car accidents, but probably had some pains of her own. I would mention to her that maybe she should go talk with a doctor and weigh her options. She would say she didn’t have time to take off work and I would reply neither do I, but when the pain gets intense enough you’ll make the time. So she would take half my monthly scripts then get mad because I would have to purchase pain pills from friends to get me through the second half of the month. This was when I realized the mental and physical hold these meds had on us, which was too late at this time. So this lead to me spending large amounts of money on pain pills and eventually keeping the fact I was buying them from friends and keeping it from her and spending money set aside for bills and savings for these pain meds. Which that with a couple of other issues lead to fights, which, we never had before pills. So we got a divorce which I think devastated me a lot more than her. She filed for the divorce. We both always said we didn’t believe in divorce. So I kept my pains and emotions bottled in and continued on with work and daily living like everything was fine, which it wasnt. I was depressed and started to become almost heartless feeling. Well, a few months ago I lost my job and worked a few side jobs, but nothing continuously and with steady pay. Well, the past year or so I slowly started stealing from family members to make the money to pay for my pain meds and became worse and worse as time went on. Over the past 2 months I’ve aquired 3 charges, 2 of them being theft charges, prior to “legally prescribed medications by doctors” I never stole or lied. My parents and brothers have become fed up with my actions, stealing, and lies. Which, how estly dont them. I mean I want to kick my own ass. I’ve just becomed depressed, worthless feeling, feeling unloved, a disgrace, a disappointment, and feel that nobody, not even my mom and dad, could care about me anymore. which, I dont blame them with all the money issues they’ve helped me with, all the stealing from them I’ve done, and all the lies. So, I may be facing some jail time, minor stuff, but after they just bailed me out of jail I go on to steal money from them to pay for my pain med habit. I just feel that I’ve become a burden to everyone in life and that my family would live with ease if I were no longer around. So tonight as I sit in my bedroom alone and depressed, I’ve been contemplating suicide. I’ve researched ways to die in your sleep and the 10 easiest and painless ways to commit suicide. I also think of suicide as a sin and just a pathetic way of dealing with life and the consequences of my actions. Like, im just thinking of taking the easy and cowards way out of life just because I’m facing by far the hardest and toughest times of my life. Though, I can’t help, but to think if I wasn’t around and not a burden to my family anymore, if I would make life for them a lot better? I guess we’ll find out if I’m still alive at 5:30a.m.
Kevin G
Kevin, it sounds like what you really need is help with the drug use. Then you could begin to repair your life and make amends to those you feel you have harmed. Addictive drugs hijack the brain over time, make the body feel like it needs the drug in the same way it needs food and water, and causes people to do things they would usually not otherwise do. It’s a very hard habit to kick alone, so I hope you will ask for help, whether from a 12-step group, clinic, or someplace else.
But first, please stay safe. In North America, the national hotline is available 24/7: 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). Otherwise you can call emergency services in your area or go to a hospital emergency room. In fact, if you go to a hospital, they can help you with the process of finding treatment. There also are other places where you can talk with others by text, phone, or chat; I list them here: https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Please consider getting help. You have so much to gain – your life, in fact. And, at this point when you already feel so desperate and hopeless, what do you have to lose?
Thank you. Thank you thank you thank you. I think this article saved my life. I had it all planned out, I was perfectly calm and ready to kill myself. I read the beginning of this and was thankful that you were honest and dealt with the horrible cliches most of us have heard. I kept reading until I got to “Other reasons might include pets, dreams of traveling, love of the mountains – you name it. Whatever keeps you here may well be worth staying for.”
It was the mountains that got me. Like a sucker punch in the chest.
I recently read a completely unrelated article about “Breaking Open” and how it changes your life and comes in the most unexpected times and places.
Love of the mountains is what will keep me alive tonight and for the next one thousand nights.
You are a stranger but those four little words of yours, maybe just a random thought to add in that sentence, they broke me open.
I can never repay you or know you.
All I can do is thank you.
So very much.
Wow, what an amazing comment, M. Thank you very much for sharing your experience.
I am grateful that the article helped you to stay alive and, even, to recognize reasons for doing so.
I am grateful that it broke you open – and that you were willing to have that happen.
In case the mountains ever get blocked by the clouds or dark of night, I hope you will check out the Resources on my site, at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Also, since those words spoke to you, you might appreciate a book that I have found very meaningful and that also uses very powerful examples. It’s called How I Stayed Alive While My Brain was Trying to Kill Me, by Susan Rose Blauner.
Good luck to you, M. Think of those mountains! Even when you cannot see them, they are always there. Always!
My life is a total disaster. There is no one i can trust and i am seriously thinking about commeting suaside! I know my life is just going to get worse i still have to go through middle school, but right now i don’t have anything to live for. I am sure i could be in a better place. Please help me someone!
I’ve been suicidal since 1976 when I discovered what suicide was. I’m not sure if it’s hereditary or the fact that I witnessed my own fathers suicide at that time. The only reason I’ve stayed is because putting my mother through two suicides would be cruel. Now that I have an 18 year old daughter, I still have to stay even if my mom dies because I know how it feels to loose someone to suicide. It is the worst pain imaginable and I’ve carried that burden for 4 decades now. Not one day goes by without thinking about it. Each time something great happens in my life, I think to myself, what if I missed that because I died? Hang in there and watch this video by Prince EA. Why most people die before age 25. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oKAmujgS4mo
I had a bad accident about 5 years ago; that day my grandmother had birthday, she was 100; amazing, isn’t it, she lived to be 100 and i want to end my misery at 43; I was hit by a car, survived; before the accident I had numerous problems with my back; but after this one it got much worse; I started having trouble walking, misery when sitting ; I started seeing more doctors, and eventually I agreed and had a spinal surgery in 2012. Over the next few years things got maybe 25% better; I kept seeing doctors, doing tests, taking pain killers, swimming, do some exercises; however, my condition is not getting better. I can never relax, always in pain, I cannot sit without pain; any chair, sofa, car seat cause pain, pressure, muscle stretching, nerve pinching to the point that often times I cannot bear it and have to interrupt the activity, mostly laying down and trying to let the pressure and pain lessen;
I had back problems for many years , from 12 years old, when I was trying the weightlifting sport; but then the issues did not interfere with my life, I could be sore, but never unable to do things; I was able to finish UC college with 3.96 gpa, but career did not go as planned due to health; about 12 years ago I had another accident, after which new symptoms arose; but this last one, described at the beginning, really made my life miserable; surgery did not help much as I was hoping; so now here I am trying to understand why should I live any longer; I may try to do another surgery , but several doctors I saw recently have various opinions, and neither gives guarantees. I do not have life, do not have interests anymore, pain totally took over my life, it controls me entirely; I cannot plan even a short trip without thinking what medication to take in case will be hurting more; I cannot travel, cannot go out, cannot sleep well due to pains in my cervical area; why live I have been asking myself time and time again
Paul.. I search for words.. the physical pain I have had is irrelevant compared to yours.. I do however hear what hopelessness is taking over.. I am so so sorry.. there are no answers, clearly you have looked for them.. at the same time, I plead with you to wait before ending your life.. I have no right to ask this of you ,, but I am.. it is very selfish.. but here it is… WE NEED YOU .. YOU AND YOU ALONE can save lives with sharing like you did here…. there are a lot of people you can reach.. please give it a try … if you go on for one day.. then another , you can carry others with you .. giving them ,, their families another day with their loved ones.. not to say yours seeing the blessing you are to countless others.. yep .. I have NO right asking you to go through a minute more of this torture..
I will take this walk with you if you like… what do you think? the only thing I ask is .. consider this.
thanks for even being open to reading this far.. Paul.. .. david,
Thank you
What if you’re thoroughly convinced that your presence in this world is impractical? What if you know because of your disorders life isn’t going to get any better? No marriage, no kids, no career, not even one glimmer of proof that your life means something to someone. That is me and soon I will begin to adopt the mindset common in those who take their lives.
Dear Carlos and everyone else.. it’s one of those intense phases I am going through right now that more than ever I also am certain that I am a total waste and I wonder if nature has programmed us either on being other peoples’ doormats and punishing us everytime we wish upon reciprocation of love or on self-destruction so this way if we fail big time we take care of ourselves so we don’t stand in the way of nature’s higher purposes… I do serve well, but I am being put on a strict diet when it comes to receiving some good in life. feel rejected and unloved all the way.. reading your lines and from all the other people only two days later amazed me..this certain feeling of loneliness,that certain feeling of being a burden to oneself when only wanting to be really hugged, for I’ve forgotten how this feels.. it amazed me, that we all, though darn alone and sad and feeling unloved, we all did and seem to do in the same time. In a way, in our loneliness, we seem to be together.. I wished we could all hug one another and just hold each other for a long long time..
I have been thinking of killing myself for the past 2 years. Never really thought about it seriously until now. As of August 2015, I filed for divorce from my uncaring, unsympathetic wife of 7 years. We agreed on a uncontested divorce, in order for me to get out fast. I took a cash settlement from her, and thus began my personal journey of 6 months until suicide. It is now 1/18/16, and I have 42 days of life left. Before you judge me, just know that I tried to lead a normal life after my divorce. I packed my things and moved out of state, I tried finding a job (with no luck) tried dating (lol), even tried to get back together with my ex wife (epic fail). I did mention to her my suicide plan at that time, and even cried real tears to her. Long story short, she didn’t care (obviously). I even asked her to write me a prescription to help with these fatal thoughts (she’s an Nurse Practitioner). She said she would write one for me, but here we are and still nothing.
I guess I’m writing these words today to show that not everyone is the same, and every persons reasons for suicide differ from one another. Mine? Besides the ones I’ve mentioned above? Very simply, I chose 6 months to live because I wanted to see if the world would really miss me if I didn’t exist. So far, sadly I’ve been proven right. Don’t think that I’ve been walking the earth miserable these past few months. Quite the opposite actually. When I finally do decide to leave the house and interact with the world (I stay inside a lot), I smile at everyone, say hello and thank you, I leave a bit extra when I tip, and always try to help out my fellow man. Sadly though, 9 out of 10 people are too busy to notice me smile at them, 10 out of 10 don’t say hello, or you’re welcome back. And well people in the food industry expect you to tip, so that goes a blind eye.
I’m rambling, in conclusion I told myself there are 3 things that will stop me from making this plan final on 2/28. 1. Reconciliation with my wife. 2. Getting a good job, sadly in order for me to not struggle with my bills, apt, etc it has to be a good job that pays a certain amount. So no fast food is not an option, and won’t keep me from getting evicted on 3/1, when all my money is gone. And as for number 3, it’s laughable so it really shouldn’t be listed, but hey it would make a difference. And that is win the lottery, lol the thought of that makes me laugh, because honestly, anyone who wins doesn’t really need it.
The eventual nail in the coffin for me occurred on 1/14, I got passed over for a job that would have kept me from this. I hoped, prayed, begged for this job to no avail. Which just leaves me to believe that even The Almighty himself believes that my time is up. So, after I was denied that opportunity, I booked myself a 7 day cruise, and have a plan to tour the country before I go. Honestly I recommend anyone who has these thoughts to do it this way. If you’re going to die soon, might as well see what’s out there before you go right? Who knows, maybe something will happen along the way to make you change your mind? But if anything, never take the exit door in the spur of the moment. Give yourself some time to truly think about it, think about what lead you to this. Try to think of what could happen in the time to get you out of this. Think about your family and how it might affect them. And above all, this is the hard one. Think about what it will be like when they find your body after you’ve committed suicide. An image like that is hard to un see, especially if it’s a brutal death.
I still do have hope that things might change in 42 days for me. I’ve applied for another job that pays well, I’m still on dating sites, in the hope that the love and compassion of another person can give me a true reason to live. So yes, I’m still very optimistic. But don’t go thinking that I’m all talk just to get attention here. On 1/14, after I heard the news from the job, I purchased a .40 handgun with hollow tip bullets. Right now it sits in a case less than 6 feet away from me, the clip already filled and next to the gun. The reason I haven’t used it yet, 1. Because I’m not ready for that yet (I promised myself 6 months before I pulled the trigger) and 2. I’m still praying and holding out for a miracle. We’ll see what happens, chances of that are very slim. I’ve already begun the process of trashing personal items. So, as I’ve said this entire 6 months time, it’s in Gods hands…
I really hope that you don’t kill yourself! You sound like an awesome, sensitive guy! I would date someone like you! I think you’re relying too much on external circumstances to keep you alive. IF you meet someone…IF you get that job…it’s so easy to think like that, and I used to do that. You have to find a source of real strength and power within yourself and MAKE it happen – change your external circumstances and gain control over them! My best friend killed herself and I have to live with it every day. Don’t do that to someone else. You don’t know really how bad someone else could take your death. Think of your family. And you can’t kill yourself if you don’t meet someone. You just can’t do that. I’ve actually been my most miserable IN relationships, with men I didn’t connect with and felt alone with, with men who cheated on me and didn’t treat me right, with men I was not truly in love or attracted to. Just because you see 2 people together does not mean that they are happy! You HAVE to be happy alone with yourself before you meet someone. It sounds cliche, but it’s true! You have to love yourself and you can NEVER give that kind of power over to someone else to make or break you. Other people are bound to disappoint, but you can overcome that it if you believe in yourself! I wish you well & hope you feel much better! 🙂
Hi Anonymous, I’m reading your honest story after hearing another’s just last night. It’s early morning in NZ at the moment and I feel strongly to reply to you. As a pastor I’m often asked to be part of someone’s life story and it’s a real privilege. I count it a real privilege also to be part of yours.
I’ve often heard and experienced as a pastor (I haven’t been one long) that ‘counseling’ isn’t the expert telling the novice what to do, but one beggar telling another where to find bread. As a church on a busy main road we often get those who go along the street asking each church in turn for food or a handout. If one church gives more than the usual the word gets among the asking community like wildfire – hey the guys at ABC church (ironic as our church is abbreviated to BBC in Chch :)) are handing out etc etc. I don’t mind that at all – Jesus says to give willingly to all who ask – and we have found that the resources that God has provided are well able to provide.
The reason I mention the above is that most find the bread in true friendship and those true friends ultimately prompting them to listen to God. And if I can be a true friend to you, that is what I would ‘counsel’ :
‘Man shall not LIVE by bread (any of the physical things we need including your list of 3) alone, but by every word that proceeds from the mouth of God’ It takes time to find this and best done while serving others, perhaps a paradox, but true.
You said it’s in the hands of God and He has prompted me to read your message. I have been where you are in the past and had my own doomsday clock so know exactly what that feels like. In the end it was a realisation that the circumstances that I found myself in were just that – circumstances not absolutes or decrees. I couldn’t insist that someone do this or that in order for me not then not plan to suicide any more than I could realistically blame them if I tried.
I made a list and took one at a time from the biggest problem. Top of my list was that I couldn’t see a way ahead in what seemed like a door was closed to me. It seemed the only door and if I couldn’t go thru that one, what was the point of living? I realised this was a circumstance, not an absolute so found another door and walked thru it some years ago now. I changed my circumstances. Some big pride issues in my life were dealt with along the way 🙂 Just my story but maybe helpful for you.
I know there are people available to you, wherever that is, who can tangibly help, and I’m not just referring to fellow ministers. Seek them out, ask them where they found ‘bread’, bread that allows one to truly live.
People like me… don’t live vary long lives anyway. Why make it any shorter right?
Recently I lost all my hope about future and feel suicidal. For long time I just kept trying and believed that I would find a job after all painful experiences. But,,,,no. Now I am too old to get a job…And my parents sentenced they would not be able to live with me anymore. I have no friends, no partner. Years ago I gave up to love anyone because I have no money to get out. People I knew were rich and successed so the gap between me and them became huge…The idea that I have to pay back to my parents made me alive for long time – they believed I could do anything so paid a lot of money for university and living after graduation. But now I know that I have to disappear if I care them – I waste their money and food for living. Just…it’s very foolish thing but I read some articles about people with very dramatic lives yesterday while I was searching suicide method without pain. They were hopeless but someday they got a chance and became extreme rich, It gave me a little hope maybe I could get a normal job finally….I know I can’t make big rich like them….I’ve never wished that kind of things…I just want to work and money for rent…money for some flowers and presents to my parents…
Hey, you managed to graduate! Not everybody can do that and it’s an achievement! I’m sure that there is work out there for you that you are capable of. Maybe it’s not your dream job, maybe it is simple, but it helps you to feel like a part of society again. Since you said that you had graduated, you clearly are not too old to work as long as you are healthy and motivated.
There is a series called “Unemployment Stories” (http://gawker.com/tag/hello-from-the-underclass) that features lots of heartfelt stories from people in similar situations like you. They probably make you feel less alone and some even have a happy ending. One of my favorites is titled “Beauty in Struggle”.
Also read Viktor Frankl’s “Man’s Search for Meaning”. A great read for people who find themselves in difficult circumstances.
I know a person who’s long-term unemployed. He’s alone and extremely frustrated. Please, don’t let yourself get to such a point, because I see how difficult it is to get out of such a dark place alone. Surround yourself with friends. You don’t have to eat out with people and spend lots of money. Sometimes a walk, doing sports or playing games together is just as good.
A very general advice is also to make yourself useful. Help other people, try to stay curious and learn, develop skills and prove them. I cannot be more specific as I do not know you personally.
Last but not least I was in a similar situation: graduated, unemployed, hopeless. During this time I developed fantasies that I’ll roam the earth as a useless being, poor, and never amounting to anything until I die. It was debilitating. But somehow, with the help of family, friends, online-acquaintances, and psychotherapy I managed to go on and to convince somebody to hire me and so far it works. The situation is only really lost when one gives up the fight.
http://i.imgur.com/JESdFoW.jpg
J – I know, it must be horrible for you. But you must be a strong person to endure that. I know from experience.
I cant cope with living I’m already sad and its only going to get worse day after day I just feel like laying down and giving up doing nothing I feel if I die I can just get this over with end my pain I cant keep living the life I’m living right now….im 13 and been on anti-depressant for a few mouths 50mg or so. But because I’m only a kid no one listens. I don’t know what to do I’m struggling with myself right now to not just give up and die. I know I will cause my love ones some pain but that pain disappears over time I will be forgotten so I don’t care. In the end my role in this world wont have a impact anyways I’m never going to be great and it would be less pain to end it now. I know most people wont agree but what do you think I can do to fight my depression I would’ve killed myself already if I didn’t have my family but now I don’t care any more I just want to get it over with. I’m a useless person that messes everything up im horrible and deserve to burn in hell so tell me please what you think I should do.
Alex, bro.. Ironic to even feel inclined to respond to someone else. Hell we’re probably all on here for googling why not to kill ourselves hahah. aw god.. You’re young man! ! I’m going through this shit too! I feel you but at your age there’s so much more! My life blew when i was 13, it sucks now! but man you’re not even experiencing the best shit yet! 18-23 is rad! hooking up with chicks at college, I mean all different kinds with different personalities, looks and smiles, its worth sticking around for!! getting drunk and making friends, throwing parties and messing around! Dude I miss it, i’m 26 and things are getting lame cause i’m not going anywhere now but i had a hell of a time, and i’m telling you don’t wanna miss it!! 13 is a trivial age, it is what it is, give it sometime, break some rules, everyone does life differently! have a laugh! relax! move to Cali and be a surfer, get high! fuck around, life can be a blast! anythings better then killin yourself rightnow right? what do you have to lose! Sometimes life totallly blows! why i was lookinng on this site too. But trust me man, stick it out for a bit! you can do anything, have some fun, dont takeit so seriously
I’ve been walking the line between depressed and suicidal for years now and can finally feel myself getting closer to suicidal. My adoption mom died when I was 15 and I’ve felt like burden ever since.
I worked at a catering company but when the recession hit it closed down leaving me jobless and with no choice but to move in with my older brother. Finding jobs here is almost impossible and living with my brother is pure hell. I love him and 90% of the he’s the nicest person you could know but during the other 10% he is nothing but a destructive tantrum throwing man-child. Everytime he pulls this crap I find it harder and harder to ignore these thoughts of suicide. Talking to him does no good because no matter what a person is going through in his mind he’s went through worse.
I’ve thought about writing a note and then hopping a train and just riding it to wherever…being homeless is preferable to growing to hate my own family. Problem is I know I would feel guilty for just up and leaving which would only give me another reason to consider suicide.
Deb,
It sounds like you are feeling truly trapped and helpless. Please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK) if you are in North America, and also please check out these other resources. I am hoping you find help soon and begin to feel hope again.
I need help, I’m 19 years old and I just can’t bare the thought of living anymore. I’ve cut myself since I was about 8 years old after my dad committed suicide. My mom doesn’t think there is anything wrong with me that I’m just being dramatic that my life is fine just because I have a loving boyfriend, but that doesn’t change the sadness I feel.
@Catt:
Hello.
Even though your mother shrugs your problems off, it is good to hear that your boyfriend cares for you. You didn’t mention that you were treated. Please, read the article again and focus on what you can do to get help. Your father’s suicide or whatever else bothers you needs to be processed. There are professionals that can help you with that. Please, before you give up on living, try everything to regain the balance in your life.
I lost my job and I feel hopeless. I dont believe I will find another one. Plus I am 7 days sober. My depression is so thick I could cut it with a knife. Im afraid and hopeless. I want to die.
TRJ, it sounds like you are suffering terribly. If you are in the U.S., please call the 24-hour hotline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). Also check out the Resources page for other places you can get help by phone, text, or chat. I hope you are able to receive help…and hope…soon, very soon!!
this is the best and most comprehensive survival guide to suicide i have ever read in my life. i have a plane ticket to san fransisco and i have thought about jumping off the bridge while im there. you saved my life. thank u i will exhaust every possible avenue first and i will stay the hell away from that bridge.
Kim, I am so pleased that this touched you, and I am even more pleased that you will “stay the hell away from that bridge.” Thank you for sharing!
There are many possible avenues to exhaust, and I am hopeful that you will find one that works for you and does not involve ending your life. Please check out the Resources page on this site for a good place to start. If you are in North America you might also try calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK).
By the way, the Golden Gate Bridge has phones on it that connect to a crisis hotline. If ever you do find yourself on that bridge and feeling that all options have been exhausted, I hope that you will try the option of using that phone.
I have suffered from depression since my mid 20’s, I am now 48. Endless successions of anti-depressants have not helped, CBT has not helped. I am now making plans to go. I have sorted all my finances out so my son will get my cash when I am gone (he lives with his mum, not me). I am not asking for help, merely sharing my experience. I am scared of course, but am looking forward to not having to live day in day out in limbo.
Thank you for letting us know..clearly you have done much soul searching to arrive at this decision.. 28 years .. it’s a long time .. and damned it you haven’t tried everything,, sorry nothing is helping .. BUT BEFORE you do this.. can I share with you??
alone ,, hopelessness .. total exhaustion.. less than adequate .. and they wouldn’t miss me.. and SO TIRED..
these are conditions that I had before my attempts .. any of it sound familiar? I too did the meds n cbt n one heck of a lot of ect… even did the rTMS thing… relief would be temporary at best..
and i am SO DAMN MAD… DOESN’T ANYONE GET DEPRESSION?? well honestly, I don’t think
so.. people!!! it ain’t the blues,, sorry you lost your cat .. anxious about money…
but clinical DePresSion >different.. so deep and lonely
Ya know if makes me FRICKN MAD … it have such a hate on wrt the illness.. one thing I CAN do
BEAT THIS THING.. NOT GET BETTER COMPLETELY BUT NOT GIVE IT SATISFACTION OF WINNING.
MY LUCK ..
the day after I complete letting go of this life >>>> a cure, cuz that seems to follow my luck
WELL , i can hold on for one day .. beat back the desire,, maybe today… research tells me lots on the horizon
and i am going to fight for me and you to get this stuff out.. things like sKetamine are interesting and I like to see hope on the horizon… today I am going to write to the twits that are holding it back.. expose their lies
David,, thanks a bunch for listening to my story… would appreciate if you could let me know what you think
ttyl david( aikido )
I respect your decision, but I still hope that you get to the point where you find reasons and desire to live, even if you still suffer. When the instinct for survival is absent, it is a clear sigh that something has gone horribly wrong. Hopefully you somehow manage to alleviate this and go on living your life. In addition to this blog I can recommend reading the following post:
https://www.reddit.com/r/SuicideWatch/comments/3kejmi/tomorrow/
David,
Clearly you are hurting terribly and you feel hopeless about ever feeling differently. Have you tried everything? I list many of the possibilities above. ECT is an option for people with severe, treatment-resistant depression. It’s a scary option and filled with cultural stereotypes, but in reality is not what you see in the movies. There are other possibilities, too – ketamine infusions, drugs that aren’t anti-depressants, and so on. I hope you will talk to a professional about all the possibilities. Also please check out the Resources page.
David (commenter) and Samiel,
Thank you so much for reaching out to David. Even if he does not see your comment, others who are considering suicide will and some, I am certain, will find hope and meaning in your words that help them get to the next day.
I’ve been depressed for 3rd (coming 4th) year now I’ve had these suicidal thoughts recently. I would like to think that i still have a little bit of logical thinking as it is the only thing stopping me from doing it. That and me being a coward. The thought of death is frightening and yet I sorta want it which is weird.
I’ve always known that suicide was never the answer and that things might get better in the future. I still have hope that is the case yet i’m just not convinced entirely. I’m conflicted. My thoughts and my feelings are not in sync. I hope one day these feeling will not overtake my thoughts.
The other thing that’s bothering me is that I no longer feel the mental or emotional pain on a daily basis like i use to a couple of years ago. Which is good but I realised that I’ve grown relatively numb to everything else as a result. Everything that i loved from outdoor exercise or sports to even playing games has become dull. Is it strange to be addicted to sadness and the pain?
Hi Confused” , I don’t think anything is strange.. everyone’s experiences are different , but we often have common threads.. the idea of being numb.. can say I was there and Don’t think of it as escapism or ‘wrong’ . ya know how for things sometimes Drs will induce coma for a while and let the body heal like that..? well when I have been really numb.. it was for me a time to rest.. happy for it but at the same time the loss of interest in things I loved.. both hurt (saddened) and scared me… ”was I never going to experience the thrill of driving my car???” it is temporary.. but can seem like a lifetime.. working on gratitude made such a difference.. finding the ‘wee ist’ thing to go .. hey thanks.. that is cool.. , m’cats also did it for me do take care! keep posting , k?
God Bless
david
I am a freshman in high school. I don’t know what to do. Ionly just realized a week or two ago that me feeling sad constantly was depression. I had thought it was just part of my anxiety or maybe a side effect of Celiac Disease somehow. Every time my parents yell at me (which is often) I get closer to suicide. My grades are dropping and I’m not finishing chores anymore, so my parents yell at me more. I don’t trust any adults. I have tried hinting that I need help, but my parents don’t realize. I have a friend who also has depression, but I don’t want to burden her. The times when I am closest to committing suicide, I don’t hav my phone. I’m scared to cut so i bang my head on the wall instead and I’m scared to die.
Help, please!
For “Help!” — please tell an adult how you feel. I know you said you don’t trust adults. It’s scary to reach out for help when you don’t trust that help will be there. But no one can help if they don’t know. You said you have tried hinting. People often do not detect hints. They need to know directly.
Most people want to know when someone is suicidal and want to help. If you tell one adult and don’t get help from them, please tell another. And another. Ideally, you will tell your parents. But if for whatever reason you can’t bring yourself to tell your parents, then try talking with a teacher, counselor, or nurse at school; a friend’s mom or dad; another adult relative of your own; a minister, rabbi, imam, or other religious figure; your physician; or anyone else. For starters, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK) if you are in North America.
You don’t have to bang your head, or cut, or kill yourself, to feel better. And you don’t need to be alone with your sadness and suicidal thoughts. Please let someone help you. If it’s easier, show your parents – or someone else – your comment on this website. Sometimes it’s easier to let someone read what you’ve written than to say it aloud. And it’s far easier for others to read words than to read minds.
Good luck to you, and please take care!
I’m impressed this author didn’t talk down to readers (at least it didn’t feel that way to me). Not only were her suggestions open (as in, the author doesn’t insinuate she definitely knows what is right for someone else), but she also appeared even respectful of the decisions other adults might make–even if these differ from her own. This is all too rare, sadly, when others–professionals or the rest of us–discuss suicide.
I am a single guy, not kids, no pets, and one friend half-way across the USA whom I see every 4 or 5 years or so. I do regret the effects my suicide will have on him. And that is my sole regret. I find him to be the most thoughtful and sensitive human being I’ve ever met. Also, the loyalest and absolute best friend I could possibly ever have. But, and he and I have discussed my plans before, I know he cares for me so much that he wouldn’t want me to keep hurting. I’ve known him since I was in college. He saw me through grad school, medical school, and beyond. One day he said to me, “It’s not a matter of *if,* but rather of *when.*”
Why would anyone want to deprive an otherwise intelligent, responsible adult who’d consistently expressed thoughts in favor of suicide for decades, and who’d tried multiple modalities of therapy and drugs to no avail, from bringing to fruition his/her wishes regarding his/her own life? I mean, it’s not as if those who would proscribe suicide live in the minds of the suicidal. Most of these therapy-at-all-cost apologists don’t even live with us, cannot keep the worst of loneliness at bay, aren’t there to walk beside or sit next to us in our darkest moments, can’t provide us the degree of companionship many of us yearn for. We’re all free to like–or not like–whomever we wish. So there’s no guarantee that people will have their deepest emotional needs met. Ever. Then, if we agree we should each be free to build deep, quality relationships with whomever we wish, why not gracefully agree that those left who happen to remain largely outside the sustaining warmth and light of the sphere of human affection should, after long consideration, be free to seek our final exit? If we’re too great a burden on others’ time and emotional resources, fine. Then let us leave.
Therapists have told me throughout my life that part of my suicidal ideation I myself cause because I am not honest with my community members. Most of my acquaintances are other men–most married, some single. I don’t know where my therapists get the image of guys-there-for-other-guys, but my experience of male-hood since college is, and I apologize for the stereotype and honor those other men who don’t behave this way, that guys treat other guys very, very differently emotionally than the way we treat women. Every male acquaintance (other physicians–even psychiatrists!–to guys I’d played basketball with for years) I’d ever begun to open up to shut me down like I was an open container of aerosolized Ebola. That may be the result of cultural biases, but the result is that as a single man without surviving relatives (my parents and brother were killed in an accident the month before I began college) and few friends, one may have no one to turn to other than the 50-minute-sessions therapists we pay to “listen” to us, make us feel, perhaps, like we matter. And very briefly about suicide hotlines. My freshman year I was sitting on the floor of my dorm, distraught. I called a hotline, got, just statistics, perhaps, a male counselor. He was patently disinterested in speaking with me, and after less than two minutes told me he had other people to take care of. I called hotlines four more times over the next fifteen years. Each time was just as fruitless. And please don’t get me started on all the pro-support public service announcements that are especially rampant in the medical community. I don’t need posters. I need sincere and trustful intimacy.
No one will ever convince me suicide is wrong. It is the ultimate personal freedom, professional therapists’ opinions-cum-official-pronouncements notwithstanding. My body. My mind. My microsecond-by-microsecond experience of my life. My decision. End of discussion (for me). But I am immensely grateful when anyone–professional or not–exhibits the kind of grace, humility, and respect this author did in this article when discussing a matter of such definitive intimacy. Thank you, Stacey.
This holiday I am finalizing my will. God-or-entropy-or-whatever willing, I’ll be gone before spring. And that is the only thought that comforts me.
I totally understand your post. I feel exactly the same way and am in a similar position. I wish we could talk.
hi i am 17 years old and feel so alone. I did do this to myself though, i’m different and people don’t like that i guess. after finishing school, at the age of 16, things started to hit that my friends don’t really want to talk or keep in contact with me. The last 6 months i felt the pain of 17 years of my life. when i was aged 5 my parents split and i never understood why until i was 12. my dad brainwashed me and my sister and compelled us to say evil and horrible things to our mother, who was also suffering from depression. from 5 til around 16, i would worry about her killing herself or her having an accident and i wasn’t there to stop it. My dad controlled my mum and me and y sister from years and years. Im sick of hurting people and them hurting me. Im sick of living in a world that is blinded. i don’t want people to get close to me i don’t want to hurt or control them and them to control me. i don’t want to be around people but i need people. i am worried i might just end up losing the on going battle with myself to hurt other people. i feel like i should either kill myself or kill others. other things have also happened but it will take forever to type up. i just don’t know what to do anymore
Please visit the Resource section of this blog and see whether you can find some help! You are a kind person and obviously you did not intend to hurt other people. You hurt them by mistake and that was not your fault. It is not good to chastise yourself for something you have no control over. I hope you realize this. Maybe it helps to talk to your mother about it. I wish that you can stay strong and find the help you need.
I am a 43 year old wife and mother of 3. I did something I truly regret, I committed fraud over 5 years ago and was charged approximately 8 months ago. I didn’t receive prison time in a cell but I am on “community” jail time. I have certain terms I have to abide to. Because of this I have lost my job and have caused my family great financial and mental strain. I live in a very small rural area where no one will likely give me a second chance and hire me. I admitted what I did was wrong I am deeply sorry for it. My husband and children have stood by me thru this difficult situation but I still feel so alone, worthless and hopeless. My husband works hard and has picked up every bit of overtime possible for one person. I feel my family would be better off without me that I am a burden to them. I suffer (and did before my crime) from depression, it’s quite common in my family. I try to stay positive and think it will get better but it doesn’t. I went to get groceries today and my debit card was declined. That I feel is the final straw. I hurt so much all the time and I just want it to stop. I love my husband and children and know it would devastate them if I took my own life but everyday I am slipping farther and farther away down into a deep black hole and I’m afraid there is no return. I’m scared and I don’t know where to turn!!
“Sorry,” how sad and painful your words are. I am sorry you feel so much despair — “alone, worthless, and hopeless.” Yet I see it as a sign of hope that you want help. Are you in the U.S.? If so, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK) and they can help. If not, please check out the Resources section of this site. If worse comes to worse, you can go to an emergency room and they will keep you safe and connect you with resources.
I am a 15 year old currently. I started having problems with depression a year ago and it continues on today. At the beginning I used to be in a marching band where everyday I would be bullied and called stupid, worthless, and so many other things. I tried to face the day with a smile every day but it never ceased. this went on for most of the year. As soon as I got out of band I felt as if I was slightly free. Slightly. Because of this predicament I found myself in for so long my grades dropped dramatically and my parents screamed at me constantly over my grade to the point of me crying everynight. Along with that I had horrible teachers that cussed me out in the middle of class. Then I really reached my breaking point when about a month ago my best friend that was my childhood crush died in a car accident. He was t-boned by a drunk driver. I just couldnt take it anymore. I started cutting myself and crying myself to sleep every night. I talked to my friends about it and one of them slapped me in the face and told me how stupid I was for doing that and that I should get over it. After this I developed a acid reflux and an ulcer that makes me throw up several times a day. I have almost killed myself several times and when my family found out about me cutting they said that I needed to get over it and worry about important things. I really think it would be better if I died.
I’m very sorry for you that you are raised in such a toxic, dysfunctional environment. Being put down constantly by others surely can affect a person’s self-esteem and health. People who slap you are not your friends. You’d be better off without them, not them without you.
Please, hang in there. The most obvious (and most difficult) choice is to become self-reliant so that you can leave this toxic environment behind. It can get better and I’m sure it will. I see that you are from a German speaking country. I’m confident that there is some kind of help for you (school counselor, information centre for victims of abuse, medical help, …). I hope you find the will to stay strong. I’d be glad to hear from you.
I just want to add something: The violent, dismissive behaviour of your peers, family and teachers might come from the fact that they themselves do not know how to cope with anxiety, depression, and the threat of suicide. They fear what they cannot handle.
Im 20 years old. Im currently very depressed because my girlfriend broke up with me. We have been together for more than 3 years. We promised each other that we will stay together for each other. Few weeks back, she broke up with me. She said its because she is bored and tired of dealing with me. I tried everything i could to fix our relationship but nothing could work out. Most of my friends asked me to just move on, but i cant. She is the only source of my happiness and she is there for me when i have nobody else to hang on to. Then, when this thing happens, i cant accept it mentally. I cry myself to sleep every night. I cant just move on. I feel like suiciding everyday. A car accident wont seem to obvious. I cant feel happiness anymore. Im really tired of living like this. She said that she doesnt need me anymore and that she is better off alone. She said that Im annoying. She said that she hates me. I feel very hopeless. Maybe someone like me just dont deserve to feel any happiness. Maybe, she doesnt even care if i died.
Hi Fareez.. so sorry ur feeling this way… even the contemplation of taking your own life is a drain on ones energy and self esteem… both of which are usually already in the crapper… .. least mine usually is… I doubt anyone has as low an opinion about me as I have of myself… can you relate?/ there have been lots of people, I am sure , who were important in my past , that wouldn’t care if I died… it really hurts.. and makes me sad too… but I ,,, honest to God ,, do care if you die… the reason : you are brave enough to talk about your pain… that means you are hurting and reaching out… that takes guts! .. there are people that admire that and you WILL come across them.. it might take a while.. often hard to see clearly after being hurt… but if you end it now… you will never find someone guaranteed … and you will be denying them of meeting a wonderful person like YOU… don’t do that.. take care! david
I really dont know. She doesnt care about me anymore. Nobody else have ever cared and loved me like she did. Now, i feel so useless. She doesnt even want to meet me now. I have been replaced by someone else. If this relationship doesnt work out, i dont want to be in love anymore. I dont want to get through all those misery again. I gave her my everything. Now Im left with nothing. I just feel like suiciding. Theres no use of me living now. Everybody keeps on asking me to move on. But its not just that simple.
Fareez, I second what David wrote above–about caring about you despite not knowing you, because, in large part, you were honest, brave, and vulnerable to share as you have. I also relate to what David and you have written–that being dismissed by people important to us can be profoundly painful. I wish I had answers. I’ve searched for them in philosophy, religion, psychology, and science. Only the lattermost gave me any answers I found near-universal and empirically sound. But they (the answers) were nonetheless unsatisfying–not that the cosmos is obligated to be satisfying to one particular self-aware life form. Sorry, off track. I mean to say I really wish I had something to say to you that would make you feel better. You remind me, in your words, a bit (more than just a bit) of myself. I empathize with you. And I’m terribly sorry.
I wish I could also agree with the rest of David’s assessment–that those of us who suffer a dearth of meaningful (to us) social contact will definitely come across this in time. I’m older than you, I think. I’m in my thirties, long past college, and work and teach in a vibrant community of scholars. I still haven’t come across the people David asserts are there. An NYU Med professor I admire coined the phrase (I believe he did) “socially maladapted.” Maybe David’s people are really there, but some of us just aren’t well enough acclimated to the social expectations of our community members to be able to forge sustaining relationships. Unlike me, however, maybe you will learn how to do this. I get the feeling you and I would have a provocative chat about the nature of human social existence, especially regarding our perceptions of the relationship between our needs and our world’s (or our own abilities to) supply of those needs.
I hope it makes you feel even a bit better to know at least two of us who read your story felt strongly enough for you to reach out. I think a lot of other readers have felt or will feel similarly. I’m wishing you peace.
I’m dealing with heartbreak right now as well – and the older you get, the worse it gets. I was talking to someone I thought might be the one – he kind of led me on, and later on, which was a few months ago, I found out that there was someone else and he quickly married her. He cut me out of his life and said he wanted nothing to do with me. He blocked me out of his life – but I got through to him once and he told me that he’s moved on and that I should too. I never got closure. I never knew there was someone else. I thought that I might be the one who he’d marry. It breaks my heart – and now he ignores me. I am sure he’s happy with her, but I cry daily and I have began to seriously consider suicide – he wouldn’t care, based on the way he’s treated me. He might actually be happy, relieved that I’m gone – but I’ve been thinking about suicide because I don’t know how long I can take the pain of the way he’s treated me – how he ignores me, how he never mentioned there was someone else and how when I begged for closure he refuses and wants absolutely nothing to do with me. I have began to feel worthless and hopeless. I want out of the pain of the loneliness that I deal with daily and the mental torment of thinking about him and his wife and how happy they are now and how he ignores and no longer cares about me. The days have been really hard – but I understand where you are coming from. Heartbreak is one of the hardest things to endure.
For a long time – he was like a light in my life. He was sweet, kind – he was so many things to me. I have endured many types of hardships over the years and manged through them – but this eats away at me and just might be the only thing that I am unable to endure.
I’ve suffered from major depression most of my life. I’m currently a senior in college with a 3.7 GPA. I am involved in my community. I love helping people and I’d consider myself successful. Despite this, I hate myself. No matter what I do, I can’t feel better. Any happiness I get from travel or success quickly fades and is replaced with this horrible uneasiness.The fact that I will be graduting soon makes everything so much worse. I have always known there was something wrong with me. I can’t look in the mirror. I hate my reflection. I have extreme social anxiety. I can’t have a conversation with someone without replaying the conversation over and over in my mind. I almost always conclude that people can just see that there is something wrong with me. The thought of meeting new people terrifies me. It’s ironic how much I love helping people because of how much anxiety they cause me. Every time I make a mistake, it tears down what little self-esteem I’ve been able to muster that day. Every day is a struggle just to get out of bed and convince myself that each day is necessary. I’ve gained so much weight and I can’t manage it and it makes everything worse.
I want out of my life. Even though I know it isn’t true, I think that everyone hates me and would be better off without me. I’m not worthy of love. Im I’m convinced that my husband will find a better wife who deserves him. People will stop being annoyed by that fat chick and my professors won’t have to grade my extremely long essays or deal with my test anxiety. The world would be so much better without me.
I know how crazy I sound but my chosen profession frowns upon people with these issues. I’m closeted and I feel so trapped. I need help and have no one to talk to and nowhere to turn. I’m supposed to be helping others but there is no one to help me. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on.
Yes, I think we could help each other. Please send me an email on justforfun@chmail.ir
Hi Stacey,
First of all, I really thank you for what you do, and I am sure that it will help lots of people. It takes a lot of courage to invite people to complaining, and then listening to their problems; trying to solve them is also more valuable than that.
I am a guy, 25 years old. I think about suicide all the time. I am not in much pain now. In fact, I am a very successful person. I have accomplished things that 90% of people cannot get even one of them. I mean in sport, art, career, etc. And currently I am about to start studying PhD in another country within a few weeks.
I have gone through many emotional problems in the past 7 years. I was under emotional pain for months every second of day and the worst part was to pretend that I am totally ok. And I could not talk to anyone about this. In fact at the same time that I was under emotional pressure I worked, studied, took exams, thought about math problems, etc. Needless to say, all those years I thought of suicide but in the last moments I thought that things could change. But I managed to handle them and I don’t have any regret in that part. After that someday, I told my girl cousin about my problems and she totally supported me and it made me love her. She was the first and the last person who knows about my problems. But, then I proposed to her and she rejected me (in my country marriage of cousins is not odd). At the time I was very mad, filled with hatred and revenge. But now 15 months has passed now, and now I have forgiven her. Actually, I know that she made the right decision. I chat with her on the internet from time to time and there is no hard feeling. However, I still would love to live with her and I do not want to see the day that she marries another person. Having said that, even if I do marry her I will still have serious regrets. In fact, happening this and not happening this will lead to regrets, but of different kinds. Therefore, thinking that things could change is meaningless now.
It is not like that I have problems with girls or cannot marry anyone else. In fact, I turned down some marriage offers in the past few months. And I know that when I marry someone else I will still think of my cousin in my own privacy until the last moments of my life. I know that because I have seen old people with the same situation.
There are also a lot of people who care about me and love me (e.g. my family). A lot of people (kid or adult) also follow my footsteps and look at me as an example for their lives.
All in all, I think that at the present time, the real problem is perfection. It is like that every day of your life you can be the happiest person on earth, but at some unknown hour during the day a snake comes, bites you, then leaves and the scar will heal. Right now I am not in pain, but tired, and I would like to rest … . It is not like that I want to kill myself today or tomorrow, but I believe that this is the way I will die sooner or later.
Please do not think that I am a weak person, and I think about the suicide the first time that things do not go as I planned. I have been through a lot emotionally, and physically. I have failed many times but I stood up again.
xxx,
I’m where you are. You are welcome to talk to me. I think we could help each other.
I’m 17 about to be 18 I’ve tried to kill myself many times but someone always ends up stopping me.
Yes I’m young but I’ve been through hell and I honestly hate living everyday knowing that I can never escape my nightmare. My Bio dad raped me for 3 years started when I was 2 and ended when I was 5 put me through hell. people tell me it’s my fault that I deserved it. I have no one. after 13 years in prison I had to do a victims statement and they still let him Go. I can’t sleep or eat knowing he’s a free man cause I WILL NEVER BE FREE FROM MY NIGHTMARE!
“Anonymous,”
What you describe is heartbreaking, first of all your bio father’s abuse of you, and second how alone and hopeless you feel now that he has been released from prison. Even years later, the trauma continues, doesn’t it?
I hope you will get help for your suicidal thoughts, whether from a teacher, a school counselor, a friend, a friend’s parent, or a professional. You can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK) if you are in North America. I also list places where you can get help for your suicidal thoughts by text, phone, or online chat; see the Resources page.
Have you received help specifically for the trauma you’ve endured? It’s amazing that anyone would say that rape by an adult is a child’s fault. Amazing, and so, so hurtful. You did not deserve to be raped, and you did not deserve to have anyone tell you that.
There are different treatments for people who have survived trauma. Each aims to help the person not only to recover from the post-traumatic effects, but also to feel less shame and to feel more hope. Some of the treatments are cognitive processing therapy, trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy, EMDR (eye movement desensitization and reprocessing), and prolonged exposure.
“Anonymous,” there is help available. I hope that you are able to find it – or that it finds you!
It’s going to be okay
Hi, Im 22, Im not american and Im still learning english so I hope you dont mind if I type anything wrong..
I write down my feelings because I dont know where else to trun, things are getting harder and there are alot of negativity I shall receive as consequences if I tell them that I want to die. I started thinking suicide just recently as I reached my 22 but long before that I had been trough alot of pain like bullied for years in schools, excluded, and seeing my family suffered. but I survived, I managed to get out of those pain, I have turn out into someone stronger but yet nothing’s good keep happening and there was the time when I couldnt pretend anymore as bad things kept coming and I must faced them by my self. Im tired already Im lonely, I have been fighting alone without no one help, the reasons why I still alive are because I believe in God and I wanna make my family happy but then I realized I was a loser I’ve been fail getting what I had to get, and I failed with such disgusting experiences and now I started building the wall of denial that no good thing will happen, god has left me behind and I deserve to die… I have decided what methods I should choose, just wait the time untill I really believe Im no worth to tive… there is no any suitable environment for me, if I tell my family then they will get suffered and I wont forgive my self for that but if tell my friends, doctors or anyone else I dont think they would listen because in my country thinking about suicide is considered as being crazy for real that I must be put in hospital, weak that instead of being helped I might end up being mocked by them, thats why I guess I just have to wait untill the time comes…
Hey Niko, my name if Jeff..I am from America and it really doesn’t matter it your spelling is not perfect or if your not perfect..Nobody in this world is perfect!.I am just a regular guy (older) but just like like you, a child of God and a regular human being..How about if two regular guys (you and I) just have a conversation and talk about things, anything..You seem pretty cool and maybe we could be friends. We all have our problems and their is nothing the matter with just having a conversation.Life is about helping each other out…Please feel free to email me buddy, looking forward to speaking with you!
Jeff, thank you again for reaching out to my readers. Your kindness can affect many people, not only the person to whom you extend it, but also to the many witnesses who can find comfort knowing that strangers can help strangers.
Niko, if you want to communicate with Jeff, please email me at speakingofsuicide@gmail.com and I will give you his email address.
I’m 29 and a mother of two and wife of ten years. I have bipolar disorder. I don’t go to treatments anymore because my medication was too much for me and made me very volatile. My doctor wouldn’t listen and refused to treat me if I refused to take my meds. I would really like to go on another treatment plan but my husband talks me out of it for a number of reasons. 1. We don’t have a lot of money for medical bills since we treat our 10yr olds mental health my 8yr old has crohns and my lupus. It has drained our bank. 2. He thinks his “love” is enough for me to be ok during my manic modes. 3. He doesn’t see mental Illness as a serious involuntary thing. So I’m constantly being told “you’re being irrational, it’s all in your head… You’re fine”
I’ve thought about death and killing myself my entire life. I have no reason to want death. I live a fairly decent life. It has struggles and I’ve had very traumatic times but I feel they aren’t worthy of suicide. My mind is on my death atleast 10 times any given hour. I see the blood and feel the burning. I don’t want a quick fast shot to the head. I already know exactly how I want to end my life if I were to take it. I’m scared. I finally came out and told my husband after 15 years of being together about how I feel…. and he cried. But it still wasn’t enough for him to demand I have treatment. My parents think mental illness is a joke or weakness. They mock people with issues like mine. They told me I was ruining my daughter for taking her to a psychologist. My dads words were “she’s gonna say something and they’ll take her from you and then you’ll be sorry. You’ll wish you listened”
I don’t know why I want death and obsess over my own suicide when I have no need. Please tell me how to make it stop. I’ve foolishly attempted twice. Once as a teen in the most naïve dramatic way possible. Screaming for help. And once in my mid 20s. My husband broke the door down and saved me. I thank him every night in my head. I just don’t want to go through with it one day. But the urge is so loud. It won’t let me sleep. It won’t let me cope. It won’t let me live.
Mary,
My heart hurts for you. You describe dealing with so much, between experiencing incessant and intrusive suicidal thoughts, being diagnosed with bipolar, not receiving treatment, feeling unable to get treatment, experiencing judgment from your loved ones, etc.
I hope you will reconsider getting professional help. Maybe you could go just for one appointment and test the waters. You said money is an issue. Do you live where there is a community mental health agency that offers services at lower cost? Alternatively, could you talk to your primary care physician about options?
There are also many places where you can talk with someone about your problems and suicidal thoughts, whether by phone, text, or online chat. I list various resources on my site here: https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp. A good place to start is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, if you live in North America. The number is 1.800.273.8255 (TALK).
Whatever happens, I hope you are able to stay safe and stay true to that part of you that wants to live…and that you are able to get help, if not. Good luck!
I live in such a rural area that we drive 3 hours just for my daughters treatments. I work full time so taking off work and spending money on “myself and my own needs” seems so selfish. I know I need to be healthy or I’m not doing my family any good. I know I have to be medicated, but I’m afraid. I went down the dark path of cocktails of pill trials and problematic dosing. Part of me doesn’t think I’m strong enough to stand through it all. It took years for them to never get it right for me. It resulted in my last attempt at suicide. I don’t know if my marriage will hold up through out the trials. Or my kids will forgive me for what I might say or do while on these meds. I’m so scared. My anxiety is paralyzing. Sometimes…. Most of the time I feel like the only way to stop the loud yelling in my head is to cut it off. But I don’t want to hurt my family. I love them. I just want this noise to shut up. These thoughts to go away. I feel as if I’m dueling with the devil everyday.
I can not share my fault… In front my family… I do not want to show how Bad I am… It will Hurt them.. I am in Loan … I do not have that much earning source to pay back. I have to pay my loan in few days… …£20000. I can not sleep… I am 56 yrs old lady… My husband is a very good person.. I feel Gulty…. Every night … I am worried of Loan as well as my family. I do not want to let them about it.
Hi. I’m 22 years old. I’ve been dealing with this for a few years now. Contemplating suicide just because I’ve been through too much failures in my life up till now. I’m a 2 time college dropout, dropped out last fall and this fall. Only cause I didn’t like what I was taking and to not put my mental health at further risk. Not knowing what you’re career is and financial problems, Problem is, now it’s different this time being back at home with my parents and brother. Nothing isn’t really the same. Only because I want to have independence but I’m too poor to do so. I have no job, no drivers licence and no career motivation. I do have goals, being the main one. Wanting to have a family someday. The problem is that I don’t know what career I should just try and leap into without feeling miserable about it. I’m already miserable, that I’m single and still living at home. I live in a small town where there isn’t a whole lot of job opportunities. For which why I went to college or tried college twice I mean. But I felt miserable there, and didn’t like my studies. After coming back home, things just don’t feel the same and I have no other way out. My cousins and brother are more successful then I am. Especially my cousins, having conpansionship, which I really want. But nobody neither girl wants to take the time or day to get to know me. Even when I do have flaws I need to work on. I need something to live for in my life. Some specific reason, and when it’s for a girl, I’ll do better. I just don’t think family is enough cause you got do stuff on you’re own and I just don’t know where to start now. How to be or act as me. I was only gonna live till next year but I’m giving myself 10 years for things to change. Even if it’s in my control or if it’s out of my control. If things are still the same, then it makes life worthless if you’re trying to make your dreams happen and then they don’t happen. What’s the point of living forward after that? I can’t say it’s like I didn’t try.
your so young you wait awhile stay quiet within yourself the answer will come i have faith in you.
Hey Brett, hope you don’t mind me saying, if you fail twenty times, it’s okay! Because maybe the 21st time is when things start to change…Do you like baseball? The player that is up to bat and is in a slump? They are 0 for 30 at bat..All of the sudden, they get a little blooper over the second baseman’s head, but since they ran the ball out, they are safe at first base….All of the sudden, they go into a little hitting streak…and they are out of their slump..(all because they ran they ball out and were safe at first after that little blooper single)…that is how life is…hang in there..you don’t know what is around the corner for you..their is nothing the matter with constantly falling down, it’s a matter of constantly getting up…Sooner or later, things start to go your way..Everybody has problems (we all do)…(can’t forget that)..email me buddy and I would be glad to talk to you..I’m just a regular cool guy, just like you!
Jeff,
Those are great words of wisdom. Your words remind me of a popular line I like, “The future is unwritten.” We have no idea what is to come. People who are suicidal often think they do know. They see only misery or loneliness or some other pain ahead. But often, very often, they are wrong.
That said, all the words of the wisdom in the world might not be able to reach a suicidal person. To think incessantly of suicide, to see suicide as the solution despite humans’ innate instinct to survive – with rare exceptions, these states signal that the person is not thinking entirely rationally. Proponents of “rational suicide” will disagree with that statement, and that is fine, but I have observed too many people who vociferously and myopically wanted to die, only to later realize that their thinking was severely distorted.
I am not saying that you should not keep trying to help; often words of wisdom do soothe or edify a suicidal person, and those instances are precious. Please do continue to reach out.
Mostly I wrote this response not only for you, but also for the people who read this who are suicidal and might feel untouched by your words, so that they might feel less alone, even if only a little.
p.s. Brett, if you want to contact Jeff by email, email me at sfreedenthal@gmail.com and I will give you his email address.
My psychiatrist has told me to not talk about my problems any more, to any one. My friends and family are for enjoying life and nothing else according to her, and appointments with her are for meds and getting me to join activities and such. She said last time she can give me five minutes at the beginning of the session to talk, cry and whine but that is it. she said that talk therapy won’t help me, that i have tried it for too long. I am at the end of my rope. I cannot deal with my self hate, overwhelming emotions, depression, anxiety or anything else. I am so tired of trying to be ok, of trying to fix what is broken. I can’t take it anymore.
Get rid of your psychiatrist. How incompetent he is to tell you that.
It will finds me eventually. I have been wondering inside a dark tunnel for awhile now, I yet see no lights. I am alone, inside my own world. my past haunt me, my living tortures me, I disappoint people. I am truly tired, very tired….I will end it soon and trouble others no more.
Yo Vic, feel free to email me..Please, you do not know what is around the corner for you..Keep your head up..Talk to me, I would be more than happy to have a conversation with you..I am far from perfect, but I think we can all learn from one another..Life is about helping each other out..Please email me..
Jeff, how kind of you to reach out to Vic. Thank you.
Vic, if you want to email Jeff, please email me at sfreedenthal@gmail.com and I will give you his email address.
Amid so many lamentable ways that people treat others, it is heartwarming to see a tender offer of help to a stranger.
From reading the ‘finally, what if you survive a suicide attempt with serious injuries’, this implies that the much better alternative to suicide is being patient and waiting for the right time to die.
I need to find someone i can trust
How are you
Please…
Hannah its going to be ok you are young there is hope for u and also jesus loves u he knows you well be quiet and talk to him invite him listen to him there is hope i hear what you are saying
I have been considering suicide for a while now, and have attempted it once. I may again. I dont know what to do. My mom terrifies me, she insults me and slaps or hits me. She will scream all the time at me and says that all of the problems she has are my fault. When she thought i had depression she got a counselor, but the lady lied to me and claimed that it all was confidential. It wasnt but my mom did not want to pay for anything and it has gotten worse. I feel worthless and all of the people i cared for do not speak to me any more, even my best friends. Help me please i have tried everything
Hannah,
I’m so sorry, both about the pain you’re in and about the counselor misrepresenting to you the confidentiality (or lack thereof) of the session.
I hope you will try again. What you describe is painful and dangerous. Please use one of the resources I list where you can get help by phone, email, text, or online chat.
Hannah it sounds like your mom has anger issues. I had a mother like that and grew to become a mother that struggles with it. I’m so sorry you are going through this. Please don’t hurt yourself. You are worth more than what your mother might treat you as. I wish I could hug you.
Hi I’m 13 and in 7th grade my depression started in 4th grade when we moved out of state because I could not make any friends and 2 years later I started feeling better until now we moved back and I lost my only friend and she was my best friend and i miss her my depression started again in 7th grade when people I saw used to be my friend and now just ignored me so I had no friends and my family treated me like crap so now in 8th grade I started making a few friends and I kind of stick with them until I started to take an interest in a boy and this girl combined our names and made something stupid and kept calling me and him that name so he though it was me who created that name and started cussing me out calling me name and telling me I was worthless piece of crap and that all I do is waste his oxygen my friends knew and kept calling me that until I told my friend about it she never called me that and she tried talking to him because she has his number and does not believe her and now when ever I see him in the hallways he runs into me and it hurts really bad and during this when ever I get a mood spike and stuff like that like when ever my nefew gets more attention then me my mom would say that I was just jelous and I should go away. I don’t want to kill my self but I feel like their is nothing left to do I can’t talk to my family because they won’t listen and if I talk to my school counselor my mom will get mad at me and start cussing me out saying that I will get my nefew taken away and that everything is my fault. I cry myself to sleep every night I’m just tired of it please help please I just want it to stop the pain the tears I’m tired of faking a smile when I just want to cry please make the pain stop please – Worthless13
“Worthless13” (who is anything but worthless),
My heart aches for you as I read your words. You are going through so much, and it seems that you feel trapped. But you do have other options besides suicide. Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK), so that you can talk about your options with a trained counselor. If you need help immediately and are in danger of acting on your suicidal thoughts, call 911. You can also find other places to get help by text, email, or online chat on the Resources Page.
There are many people in your world who care about you. Please let someone try to help you!
there is hope for u and the one above knows your pain and your so young get a good therapist too please dont do anything i know how u feel truely i do ive been dealing with same issue even though im older now there is hope for u
I have told my therapist that if and when I decide to commit suicide I will absolutely not tell her or anyone else. I’ve had to many bad experiences with the crisis system to risk further abuse by people allegedly helping me.
Jean,
How sad that the system inspires secrecy in people at the very time when they most need to be able to talk to someone who can help. I understand the reason for a legal mandate to keep people safe from suicide, but in the end I worry that we lose more lives than we would if we let people share their suicidal thoughts without fear of involuntary hospitalization. (Of course, involuntary hospitalization is quite rare; see my post “Will I Be Committed to a Mental Hospital if I Tell a Therapist about My Suicidal Thoughts?“)
I am sorry that you have had bad experiences. Elyn Saks, who has been diagnosed with schizophrenia and used mental health services for decades, states in her TedTalk video that she is not anti-psychiatry, but she is anti-force. This is an important distinction to make. Although many hospitals are humane and helpful, some hospitals unnecessarily use force (e.g., restraints), which again endangers people more in the long run.
I’m 24 and a worthless waste of skin and oxygen, i’m given it until I’m 30 (maybe earlier if it gets worse beforehand) if nothing changes I’m done, I’ll probably tie something heavy and jump into a river or lake I can’t swim so it will be much easier to do the deed, Deaths cold loving embrace will be welcoming. I don’t want any help Antidepressants, therapy etc, tried all that rubbish and it did nothing I’m sick of it and everything.
I know how you feel same position
Ted im 24 this year; in a few days time to be precise. I hated how I’ve tried all of the things listed above and the endless loop of worthlessness and sadness keeps repeating itself. I hated how I feel peace by thinking of ways to end myself.
I don’t know how to say this; but I can’t imagine the pain u r feeling like I feel mine. If the pain of mine is anywhere similar to yours; I wish that you would give yourself two days pause before taking action. With the two days, do something that you wanna do but didn’t that makes u happy, like getting a pet fish, or going for a run under the rain. It feels good.
All I wanna say…death is permanent and u can’t restart life. It’s the end and won’t come back. I hope you wouldn’t regret by crossing the afterlife thinking that there’s so much more you haven’t done and you r longing to do that life has offered you.
Remember, even the beginning of us as a tiny sperm, we didn’t stop and kept swimming because we are born a fighter and didn’t gave up! Thus, we are born
Abby,
Your comment is beautifully said. Thanks for sharing. I’m sorry to hear that you’ve suffered so intensely, but happy to witness the wisdom that must help you through such experiences.
What you said about waiting two days reminds me of a technique that I wrote about elsewhere on this site called the 3-day rule. This simple way of dealing with suicidal thoughts is to wait three days. And then whenever any doubt or reluctance revisits, start over the 3-day clock. The idea is not only for people to wait out the suicidal storm and survive its most intense force, but also for people to observe their process and how suicidal thoughts fluctuate. You can read more about it here: The 3-Day Rule and Suicide.
Thanks again for sharing, Abby, and good luck to you.
Hi Ted,
What pain you must be in to call yourself a “worthless waste of skin and oxygen”! I can only imagine the things your mind must tell you about yourself, and that you believe. Although you have written off getting any help, I hope you will reconsider at some point. You said therapy didn’t help, but there are many kinds of therapy and even many more therapists. You might be able to find a therapist who is a better fit.
I hope you will consider reaching out for other help, too. You can find a list of places where you can receive help by phone, text, email, or online chat at this part of my website: https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Good luck to you, Ted, and may you experience welcome changes in your life, for the better, between now and 30!
I really appreciated your article and it helped when I was at a really bad low point. I cant thank you enough. Id say the part about thinking about other people is not necessary. Its what suicidal people think of most, other than death and extra guilt doesn’t help. The feelings take over all logic and reason and seeing that people do love you is almost impossible. That or you believe that your death would benefit them. Regardless I want to say thank you, you don’t know me but you saved my life x
Hello Fi,
Thanks for your comment and for your words of appreciation. It’s great to know that I helped you! However, it’s not so great that you went through a really bad low. I hope that you are feeling much better now.
I share the same reservations as you about advising people to think of others, because, as you said, the mind’s reasoning can become so distorted when suicidal thinking is present. Thinking of others can produce many reactions besides feeling reminded of others’ love or of one’s love for others. Instead, when a suicidal person thinks of how the suicide would affect others, he or she might feel guilt, shame, apathy, or even incredulity that others would care. And, as you said, many suicidal people believe that their suicide would be a help to their loved ones.
So then why did I include that part in the post? Well, I think the above reasoning applies to people who are at a certain stage in their suicidal thinking, what I would consider to be an advanced stage, or at least a more advanced stage than someone who vaguely thinks of suicide or who is just starting to have suicidal thoughts. Among people whose suicidal thinking is not entrenched, thoughts of others can serve as a great deterrent. I have seen this in many of my clients. They say something like, “Oh, I could never do that to __________” or “I need to stay alive for the sake of _______________.” For those people, thinking of others strengthens their resolve to fight suicidal thoughts.
What works for some people can do nothing for another, or even do harm. Sounds like a good idea for me to pursue in another post…someday.
Thanks again for sharing your experience and insights!
Im 16 and have been bullied my entire life, ive also been suicidal for about 3 years now. I know im still a kid and i have a life to look forwards to, but i dont want to be here anymore. Ive tried talking to people such as my mom and my “friends” but they dont care. Ive been self harming for 3 years now. I do it because thats my way of dealing with things good and bad. I dont want attention or pity, all i want is to get some help. Ive called suicide hotlines before and they dont seem to help. My family doesnt care about me im the black sheep of the family, my stepmom yells and puts me down all the time and my mom doesnt try to help she sits there and lets her do it. Im sorry for the rant and wasting your time with this idk if anyone would even read this.
Jennifer,
I read your comment and it fills me with sadness not only that you are going through such difficult and scary times, but also that you feel so alone. I hope you will try a hotline again. Every counselor is different, so you can’t know what lays ahead. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a good place to call.The number is 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). I also recommend trying to talk with a professional at school, like a school counselor,or a teacher you trust. You can try other places, too, that I list at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
jennifer bullied because God hasa plan for your life so hang on plus u are young there is hope ask seek and knock you are beatiful
I’m not sure if I’d classify myself as seriously suicidal but it is a lingering thought and that fact coupled with my impulsive nature makes suicide a very possible outcome if I don’t figure some things out…I have so many people in my life and some even claim to love me. So where are they when I just need somebody to talk to? I feel like if I could just talk to someone who gives a damn about me once in awhile I could feel a lot better. Superficially I have a lot going for me: I’m still young-ish (just now 40), I’m in far better physical condition at 40 than I was at 30. I’m very well respected among my peers at work. I’ve been married for 19 years to the only girl I’ve ever dated. I have an IQ well into the 150’s. And some would look at these blessings and think “what the hell is he got to be depressed about…he doesn’t have issues!
Well, I do. My wife and I are mostly together because neither of us believes in divorce. I feel all used up, like I have nowhere to go in life because I’m too old. My career is on the rocks because of an itinerant supervisor who seems threatened by competency. I built a lot of the successes my company enjoys, and it’s all being taken from me.
And those that care don’t know, those that know don’t care.
I feel ashamed….so ashamed. But more than that, I feel hopeless. I just need someone to help me understand this all. Is it transitory? Because it’s feeling less and less so and more and more like this feeling of guilt and hopelessness is what I have to look forward to on the lonely nights that dominate my career field.
Please…somebody help.
You need to find love. There is no passion in your marriage. Your life has become stale and you have put your personal value in your career and your career status. This will be your downfall. Too many eggs in one basket. Life gives us bombshells, the only thing constant is change. You need something to fall back on if it hits you where you feel the strongest. Only you can make the changes in your life to restore a balance to keep you from feeling this way. However, being married because one does not believe in divorce is bad for self esteem and general happiness. People need passion and affection. Just the way we are built I’m afraid. You sound accomplished and like you have a lot going for you. You shouldn’t feel the need to wait for life to tell you what you deserve. Decide what you want and go out and get it. Life will eat you up if you turn your back on it. Don’t stand for it and certainly don’t feel guilty for wanting something else. You are not the same man you were at 20 are you? It would be ridiculous to assume you should be the same man you are now (40) at 60. You have the right to change, and grow with time.
Finding someone that understands is hard. I too have a spouse that doesn’t understand and won’t talk to me about my feelings. I hope you find someone that will listen.
I will go to college next year and I seem to be the loneliest person I know. Besides my parents I have nobody I can really relate to. All my life I have only had “friends” who made me feel that I was the “almost not a friend-friend”. Don’t get me wrong: I never had more than two “friends” at once but since 7th grade I basically have no friends. It sucks, and I lost most of my joy in everything. I do well at school due to the fact that I literally have got nothing to do with my time. I read into philosophy and political theory which are part of the school curriculum here (in Germany) but all of that either is kind of “too far away from me” or does not change my views. I like Camus and Sartre. I kind of feel like a negative version of “Antoine Roquentin”. I do not see why I live and why I should not simply die. Anyways I have no talent and no joy in writing or making anything public due to the fact that on reddit, tumblr etc nobody reads anything and people on the internet cannot replace friends. I’d kill myself if I had about 10% less hope…
When I was young I cried at home after school. Nowadays I think it was due to feeling alone. But at that time I had “friends” ans moments of joy. I never thought I’d be asking for reasons not to commit suicide. Now all of my existence is a long sigh. It is the kind of sigh you make, when you are tired of somebody you do not like to hear (like a racist person) but you also cannot offend or confront with how much is wrong (with them) (like with a racist grandma at the hospital). Basically I live, because dying is absurd and has neither meaning nor perspective too. Anyone who got out of that “phase” (who is still alive)?
“Antoine,”
I’m sorry you’re experiencing so much pain, isolation, and that “long sigh” you described so vividly. You obviously are very intelligent and thoughtful. The existential writers you admire are themselves people who survived that long sigh, despite their own philosophies to the contrary. Have you read Man’s Search for Meaning? (Perhaps it is a silly question to ask a German student of philosophy this?) The book provides an excellent perspective on how to survive suffering.
I am glad you are asking about whether anyone got out of this phase alive. The fact that you’re asking that question suggests you realize that your situation and pain can be temporary. I hope you will remember that. What you feel now is not likely to be what you feel forever. Especially as you prepare to leave for college, where new experiences and opportunities will abound, many changes can happen.
Regarding your painful emotions, I am wondering if you have spoken with a doctor or therapist. You might also be helped by accessing a hotline in your area or one of the many online resources out there, such as the email service provided by the suicide prevention group Samaritan: mailto:jo@samaritans.org. You can find information about one of Germany’s suicide hotlines here: http://telefonseelsorge.de/.
For more ways to get help via hotlines, text, or email, please check out https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Good luck, “Antoine”!
hello I’m 19 I’m not sure what else to do no one want’s to listen to me anymore….
Anonymous,
Free help is available by phone, email, text, and online chat. Please check out the resources at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp
I was unwanted and unloved as a child. My own father was going to kill me when I was 12. Abandoned emotionally – always the one left out of family activities. Live with my son and his wife. They do things with her family. I am told to go places alone. If at a gathering with them and her family, I feel rejected as no one hardly talks to me. I am 68 and have no friends here. Can’t make any since they work all day then bowl or go to the gym and I watch the kids. By the time, they get home there is no place but bars to go to. He wants to take a trip to Fairbanks and I remarked that I would not be going since it would be him, his wife and three girls in the car. Told I could drive the other car there. My days are spent alone, with the dogs and cat or with the girls and animals. I want to take a dogsledding and snowshoeing tour as well as a sleigh ride; he says he’s busy yet can do things with her family. I am suppose to spend my time with strangers or alone. More than anything I want some cherished memories. I know how Robin Williams feel when he said the worst thing in life with spending time people who makes you feel all alone.
Julie,
Your words are so painful, as are the experiences and feelings that they describe. I hope you will consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). The counselors there can help you. Please also check out the resources listed on this site: https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Based on your comments, I gather that you are in Alaska. They have a hotline, too. You don’t need to be suicidal to call. The number is 1-877-266-4357 (HELP). You can learn more at carelinealaska.com.
how do u tell someone ur suicidal without it sounding bad
It’s OK to ask for help girl in need. It’s OK to be vulnerable.
I guess Im not sure where to turn, so here I am, on a message board. People say it’s good to talk to someone, even if no one reads it, maybe someone will, idk.
I got a laundry list of issues. Im Bi Polar, I broke my tailbone in a car accident, I dont have any friends at all, I had a great gf but we finally broke up. She was the one friend I had, but that’s seems now gone.
As for family, my dad was the “outcast” in his family, my mom was the “outcast-black sheep” in hers, so im disowned by default. I talked to my aunt one day, because my dad was dying, tried to be nice and say I love you and basically got,”ok put your dad on the phone.” She mostly talked to him just because he was dying. After his death, havent heard from her since. My moms side has no interest in talking to me. SO basically, I got no one there to talk too.
Really I have my mom, which I guess, some people dont have anyone. We clash sometimes though but in the end we basically only have each other. If my mom ever dies, id be insanely lost.
Im shy, so even when I work, Im like that guy who keeps to himself and just works. People say things get better, but it;s been this way for 10 years or longer now. Im awful at making friends. So I just got to the point where I dont even try/bother. Apparently I suck at relationships, so, again, I just stop trying and dont bother. SO I mostly stay alone. The one thing is I do atleast have hobbies, but they are all solo-hobbies so I have something to do while Im usually alone. Even at work, Im pretty much alone. I mean, usually Im okay with it, Im one of the rare ones who just finally accepts this is what it’s going to be. Sometimes I feel I deserved to be punished, and why, Im not sure. Ive never been in jail or even have a parking ticket, Ive never hurt anyone (Hard to do when you dont talk to anyone).
I guess finally now it has gotten to me. I also was with someone for 2 years, and that ended recently, and I know how that is. Im realistic, I know atm Ill be sad and depressed about that, but I guess going back to realizing im alone again gets insanely overwhelming at times. I mean I do think it’s nice having SOMEONE to talk too. My mom and I are close but this is one thing I cant talk to her about. I also never call those hotlines in fear she might hear me calling them and get worried. So I’d sadly never call one. I stay with my mom because she’s disabled and she also doesnt have anyone.Id feel wrong just ditching her.
So it’s been an easy 10-12 years and it rarely gets better. Every once in awhile I might have a good day, and id every month if I have 2 good days, that’s a good month.
So in the end idk really what to do. Ive nearly accepted that I’m destined to be alone. I rarely sleep but lately all I want to do is sleep. I hate sleep but now that’s like the highlight of the day. I get disappointed when I have to wake up, and I read that’s a bad sign. Also im not eating really that much atm.
Well this has went on way too long. Sorry for venting and wasting anyones time if i did I am very sorry.
You did not waste anyones time. I suffer with the same thing. It has been years and years, I am a single parent and I need to keep myself here for my children, but I know they will get older and I will truly be alone. Not much family – at least none that appear to care – no where to turn – no one to talk to – and yes the kids listen to everything so I couldnt call anywhere either. I just get up each day and wish it were over. I can barely sleep, I am up most of the night. I sleep for a few hours in the morning and then I wake up feeling like I just wish it were over again.
I try and try and try to have a positive outlook, but nothing ever changes. I read these boards in the hopes that I can get some balance knowing I am not alone. It gives me the courage to keep going. Knowing there are people like you in the same place gives me the courage to not just walk away, to not just ditch my responsibilities that overwhelm me. So, Thank you for venting. It was no waste of time.
Sorry steven
I feel like its getting worse for me. I dont take the bus home anymore I just walk home while listening to my ipod day dreaming. Im to afraid to actually commit suicide because of the pain before I die. My grandfather bought a gun after his place got robbed and after hearing that, my mind started racing thinking if I can finally do it. It would be so quick, but then I’d feel sick from the anxiety
“Anonymous,”
It’s clear that you are very ambivalent. From your words above, I can see that you are afraid to die by suicide, afraid of the pain, and afraid of the anxiety.
Please consider reaching out for help. If you are in North America, you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK).
You can also find many other resources, some by phone, some by email, some by text, etc., here: http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp
Good luck to you!
I really dont know who u r but ur things is very nice ….when I was in bad mood..I was fully getting demotivated but now Im not getting demotivated….only be happy …thank u to encourage Me ….
if you killed your self and you are a believer you to hell or heaven i need clear answer
just one word ? hell or heaven
Hi Sam.. I hope you get this,, not too sure how it works.. First of all, I am a Christian also,, and have suffered severe depression with my bipolar… and I have attempted suicide , more than once.. I obviously was not successful.. Certainly at the time ,, I felt hopeless.. that lack of hope I think is what brings us to that point…certainly unworthyness.. self hate were big too…
Looking back I can see I was very fortunate,, I was not successful.. It is not so much as to hell or heaven. it is to whether you will believe in Christ as your saviour .. if you are a Christian.. than you should be…
Know that He does answer pray (the Father).. but it can seem like you are going unheard as nothing SEEMS to change… When the Father answers prayers brought to Him in His Son’s Name,, He knows better than we as to what we need and where He wants us to go .. what He has planned… But frre will is ours… so you can escape in death.. but sacrifice Life after death.. or atleast tempt the chance of it.. I do not know God’s plan for you ,, doubt you do either.,, but if you commit suicide , then you can’t help others with your story, nor share Jesus with others… and that is primarily what we are to do for the Love of God.. We are to Love God, in all that we do.. so I ask you …. do you Love God,, is there a chance there is something you are being called to do in this life??? He will judge you,, as He judges EVERYONE,,
Perhaps you need to ask yourself,, what can I do to ensure that I get into heaven… ?
Certainly loving God , acknowledging that Jesus is God’s Son and that He died on the cross for YOUR sins and MINE… do you want to add to this burden of sin by killing yourself,, Surely you have things to offer to God to show your Love for Him… but you have to be here to find out what it is you can do… It may not be clear at this time… but loving Him,, learning about Him … Pray for answers… I don’t think suicide will be the answer.. you are too important to God to die by your own hand…
I hope that helps,, I pray for you… Your response to what put on me to share with you…
If you need to talk , chat.. look me up on Facebook… k, david newman PeAcE
I have health issues,mental health issues,and chronic pain,as someone that was a victim of sexual & physical child abuse a ward of the State of Va. & the Foster Care System also I was the witness to physical child abuse to my younger sibling,to only be reunited with a mentally challenged Mom & a Bully for a StepDad,my childhood was hell so as most do,i turned to drugs and alcohol for years to cope,the only reason i haven’t followed through as of yet is im afraid id botch the attempt,and the Haven/Hell thing,although id like to think those that have been sexually/mentally & physically abused starting at age 3,would get a free pass,ive tried to adapt,overcome,ive gotten clean,ive sought counseling,ive taking a ton of different physiological meds and mood stabilizers,this chronic depression combined with the chronic pain is beyond overwhelming,im not weak,my problem is ive been strong for far to long………. I wanted to share but i do not want my name known….. know this to anyone who may read,im still in the fight,and im truly trying,and im here not attempting my demise, so im saying im hopeless but still holding out for hopeful… </3……
Totally understand where you are me too from 7 years old 2 men. My sister too. Im a 45 year old guy now living in hell have battled years but always put a face on, well im struggling to cope now my anger is out. Im ruin my life and those around with my actions. I am trying to seek help just gone bk to GP but im feeling as though I need to get these thoughts out of my head. I only get peace when im asleep. But so scared of surviving if I attempt it. Im so sad as I write this because I do want to smile but the thoughts in my head and massive pain is driving me mad. Ive become so negative. I never asked to be sexually abused have just had to bear the pain all these yrs. I really dont think I can.
reading this really helped me. particularly thinking of what i would say to people i care about if they presented me with the same reasons to die that i give myself.
How can I be unhappy without being suicidal I just don’t want to be happy. I’ve found myself stuck with a curse that every time I become happy with another person ie. friends, family, and my first and only love that the universe or God decides to take them away. I’m so sick and tired of feeling up one month a year maybe and falling straight on my face because I’m not allowed to be happy. I Believed in karma good things happen to good people well I was nothing but good to all these people and they decided to leave or Christians say that God takes the people out of your life because they weren’t good to you that is bull because they made me happy really happy and I made them happy. I can’t do this anymore I want an answer how to force yourself to be happy withy trying to be happy. I NEED HELP.
Anonymous,
I’m sorry you’re struggling. To talk with someone about this by phone, email, online chat, or text, please check out the places I list on the Resources page.
dont have any family,they are all DEAD! find that ironic when my whole life (life) was the one who wanted to be dead
At 20 years old I’ve been anorexic and bulimic for 11 years, curing for 9 years, and have attempted suicide at least 6 times. Now more than ever it seems like there will never be an end to the pain. I’ve been emotionally abused, beaten down, brought up with no support from my family who have ridiculously high expectations from me, and am constantly being bleed dry of money while being treated like a child by my overwhelmingly smothering mom. Also being bipolar type 1 i know this suffering will be a lifelong battle and it’s not worth it anymore. I’ve run out of reasons to stay alive. I know I don’t have it as bad as some people and I’m still young but I just can’t handle the fights I have with myself on a daily basis. Puking starving cutting crying and going to work with a fake smile every day? It’s absolutely exhausting. And I’m tired of it.
Finish school and move away, your a beautiful person , sending prayers.
It is your choice to kill yourself or to allow yourself a chance to live till the natural end of body. With body or without body you are going to live. It is not possible to kill yourself. You can only destroy your body not ‘self’. Those who kill their bodies realise it in a very painful way. I am not talking about physical pain that you inflict your body but your ‘self’ goes though pain of having lost a chance of all the experiences that you could have acquired being in this body. One acquires body of a human after a lot of good karma. The body is a temple where ‘self’ resides. Destroying your temple means nothing because ‘self’ is indestructible. Taking birth and living though it has only one purpose and that is to search ‘your purpose’. Trust me you just feel isolated, nothing more. I can feel you and so can everyone who knows you. For the sake of all of us who realise how important your staying alive is …. please allow yourself chance to stay in this body. Your experiences and feelings is precious. Decide to live and see the miracle unfold. Decide to live through all ups and downs. Decide to smile in the worst situations. Decide to LIVE!
I can’t imagine going through all of that and I feel horrible that a young girl my my age feels this way about life. I wish things would just get better for people like us because its not our fault. I can’t say I know where you are coming from, but I also feel like life just isn’t worth living anymore. I’ve been told how smart I am and how much potential I have my whole life, but even if that is true that still doesn’t make life worth living. I have always been incredibly socially awkward, and as time went on I just kept losing friends until I really didn’t have any. Humans are social animals so when you start losing your social life, your mental health suffers. Once you become someone like me who has no friends or really anyone to talk to, you will most likely become profoundly depressed. At that point, the only source of joy for most people is drugs. So that’s what I used. First, I tried meth at the age of 15 and was hooked for a while. Then I quit when I was 17 for a while to become a drunk until age 18 when I first used heroin, (the whole time since age 15 I smoked heaps of weed, but I don’t really consider that a drug). Now I’m a 20 yr old heroin addict trying to quit but now I feel like the only time I’m ever happy or feel remotely good is when I’m high or sleeping. Drugs and sleeping are the only two things I really live for and I’m an insomniac so I need drugs to even sleep. I’m sorry for posting my life story, but at this point I feel like I screwed myself up too much and this is the way I’m going to be for the rest of my miserable life. I’ve also been such a huge burden on my poor family who are all wonderful people. I just want to get high one last time then cook up a huge shot and go to sleep forever. I know everyone would be better off if I was gone. Again, sorry for posting a whole novel. It just sucks seeing a girl my age struggling and I just wish things could get better for you. I wish things could get better for everyone.
1- I got infected with HIV from a boyfriend – he did it, as he told me, on purpose.
2- I left a very good Engineering job that I didnt like for a start-up. That ruined my career. I´m now left with no career choices. Sent out over 30 applications, got only 2 interviews and failed both.
3- Im running out of money and my family told me they wont allow me to move back home. They dont care if I land on the streets.
4- I cant remember the last time I received a phone call or text message, regardless from whom.
5- Got so very sad that I started doing cocaine. I dont consider myself a full blown addict, but that only made bad things worse.
6- I came from a poor family and worked all my way up to graduate at a great university, became a polyglot, amassed a lot of international experience, made money, etc. Now I lost EVERYTHING. Im 32. The gold times, when I took my parents and sisters to Europe to travel are gone. Now they, except for my dad, never even bother to give me a call.
7- I played with God. He offered me hope several times, and I played with his mercy. I was a d@#$. What I did to God, not leaving my homessexual lifestyle, lying to my dad about it, trusting my own abilities – what I did just cannot be forgiven.
To summarize, what Im going through hell. When I look at my phone, there is not a single person I can turn to for help. NO ONE. My last hope was applying to an MBA in the US. Spent US$6k dollars on consulting fees plus US$1k in application fees. The schools refused me after the interview. Im having nightmares. I cant believe I got into the completely hopeless situation. No options left. Full of regret. Money running out. No one to turn to. Doing cocaine to alleviate the pain. Oh my god. To think I speak 6 languages, scored 740 on GMAT, have worked in 4 countries in challeging jobs, contributed to my university. Oh my God, what happened to me??
Ill give you a medal you can find ONE (just one!) convincing reason I should not kill myself. Except that Ill probably go to hell.
I’ve tried to commit suicide but I overcame it, now my reason not to do it is that I don’t want to be a vegetable or in a coma which would make it worse on my family especially my mother everyday is a battle but it becomes easier to live each day now, GOOD LUCK…
R., I can understand that you are feeling overwhelmed by your list and it seems to you that none of the things you listed can be dealt with, improved or changed. I know when I’ve been suicidal (and I made two attempts in the 90s) I had a very pessimistic view of some serious problems I faced and some people who were judging me harshly made it worse. I imagined the worst possible outcomes and so I decided to kill myself. I can tell you that I was lucky to survive and that NONE of the things I imagined would happen to me actually happened. Things turned out much better than I imagined and within a year I met my life partner and a few years later enjoyed the birth of my first grandchild. Indeed, I would say that some of the most joyful moments of my life came AFTER my suicide attempts.
I’m not going to tell you that your problems are a piece of cake. I am saying that it might be more possible to deal with them than you are imagining right now. For instance, HIV is very serious. I have a friend who works at our local AIDS support services non-profit. They give a lot of help in our town to people with HIV, including temporary housing, monthly cash aid for medicines and so on. People are managing to live longer lives with the medicines they have now.
You were brave and took a risk to start a business. (That kind of courage and ability to take risks can be a great asset in your life, not a flaw!) It is not at all uncommon for businesses to fail. Many learn lessons from one failed business and eventually succeed with another. If you want to return to your former line of employment, perhaps a new city is the answer. This is where the AIDS organizations may help. Research cities and see if there is one that, like mine, offers temporary housing and if you can get into it. Then use that as a base for your job search. Maybe you can pick up some translating or interpreting work with your language skills in the short term. Even volunteering your services might lead to a job or contacts that could point you towards one.
On the bright side, you are only 32 and have lots of time to rebuild your life. You had the ability to get out of poverty once; you can do it again. You have the ability to persevere if you can plug into it. You also say you aren’t actually addicted to cocaine, so you CAN stop. That’s also great news!
Regarding your orientation, I wonder how much that is affecting your will to live. It sounds like you have judged yourself harshly and that perhaps your parents or at least your Dad haven’t approved. That is not the same thing as God condemning you harshly. Not all Christians condemn LGBT folks and there are some lovely churches you could check out that could give you a different perspective and help you feel more connected to God. Your parents may be angry with you to some degree or another and that isn’t at all the same thing as their being ok with you killing yourself. I am betting they’d be devastated and would blame themselves.
I’d love to see you make an alternate list of your many strengths–intelligence, ability to learn, determination, knowledge, education, courage–and see the two lists side by side. You have a lot of internal resources and yet depression is lying to you and telling you that you have nothing.
I am rooting for you because I think we need more people like you in the world. I think that your most joyful moments may, like mine, still lie in your future. Give yourself a chance to have them.
As a mom who lost a 18 yr old to suicide and came home to find him the way i did i have a reason for you — ready? Because its not your time yet to go you are worth more than you realize you have to move forward for you,please please dont give up i have been to the top and at the very bottom and i wanted to die as well when my Matthew chose to leave me here stuck with a broken heart and a void so big nothing has filled it please i beg you just hang on. I dont believe in hell,here on earth is hell we must endure because tomorrow is a brand new start
R., I am so sorry that you are in so much pain right now. Perhaps the best reason I can give you for not killing yourself, is to tell you why I am so glad that I did not kill myself when I attempted suicide in 2012.
In 2012, I was in a psychiatric hospital for the 27th time, for depression, in less than 10 years. I was considered permanently and completely disabled, and I felt like a black hole had completely swallowed my life. Perhaps you know the feeling. Several people in the mental health field had recently told me point-blank that “you are a drain on society”, with one actually telling me I should go ahead and kill myself if I was feeling suicidal. This did not help me or make things any easier; rather, I felt more alienated and alone than ever. The part of me that was fighting to live got a little weaker with each cruel comment. There was one day in the hospital that the treating psychiatrist suggested I could relocate to a state psychiatric hospital where I would live the rest of my miserable life, even suggesting that perhaps I could be buried in the hospital’s cemetary. That same day my family was unable to visit, and when I tried calling friends they were all unavailable. I saw, or thought that I saw, that I was nothing but a burden to people surrounding me and that I no longer had anything meaningful to contribute to the world. I felt an unbearable weight on my chest, and resolved to die.
The hospital I was in took pains to prevent people from hanging themselves, and so I tried to strangle myself instead. I was completely unprepared for the violence of the act I was committing — my entire body seized in an effort to obtain air, and my heart beat unbelievably hard in an effort to bring oxygen to my brain. No matter how suicidal I was, my body did NOT want to die. And yet I struggled for 30 minutes, trying to find a way to close off that last bit of access I had to circulation or air. After 30 minutes (I wore a watch, expecting that I would lose consciousness within just a few minutes) I gave up, and after removing the device mercifully lost consciousness and did not awaken until the morning.
I truly believe the cliche phrase, “The darkest hour is just before the dawn”. With that night being the darkest hour of my life, things have improved dramatically. When I woke the next morning, I awoke glad to be alive. I was badly bruised and terribly ashamed of what I had done. I tried to take a human life, and to address point 7 on your list, a God that can forgive forgive me has more than enough power to forgive you, too. I found myself able to think a little more clearly, and realized that my friends were not rejecting me the previous night. They were busy living their lives, and did not understand how badly I needed them. I realized that the hospital staff were treating me abusively and that I could report them for doing so, but only if I was alive.
Less than a year later I was diagnosed with a genetic medical condition which, among a few hundred other things, frequently causes Vitamin D deficiency. I had requested Vitamin D tests from doctors before, but was laughed off and told to take a multivitamin. It turned out, though, that I did in fact have a severe deficiency. Under the care of a medical doctor I am now taking high-dose Vitamin D, and once my level of D3 went up to about 40, the chronic suicidal thoughts that had plagued me for over a decade vanished like a fog clearing on a sunny morning. There are multiple causes of depression and suicidal ideation, and certainly Vitamin D deficiency is not to blame in every case. Nevertheless it did have a profound impact on my depression, and so perhaps this information can give at least one other person hope.
Since my suicide attempt, I have had the opportunity to get to know my nephew, and meet my wonderful niece. I have laughed until I cried. I have helped other people. I have maintained friendships, cut hurtful people out of my life, and made new friends. I am still disabled, and in spite of a radical change in my depression it is still part of my life. I do not have the life I once dreamed I would have, but I have a life and I cherish it. Things got better. I am also 32 years old.
That is enough talking about me now; it looks like you listed several reasons why you want to commit suicide. I don’t want to invalidate any of your suffering, but I do want to let you know that I read your post carefully, and I care deeply that you are hurting. I will try to comment some on each point you list.
1. What a horrible thing for one person to do to another. You don’t mention whether or not you are in, or have ever sought, treatment for the emotional impact such a vicious attack leaves. Whether the enounter was consentual or not, intentionally infecting someone with HIV is assault. I hope you are in treatment for HIV infection. I am so sorry that you are having to deal with this.
2. I had a career carefully planned out for myself in childhood, and mine didn’t work out either. It is a horrible feeling to go from secure in your plans for the future, to feeling so horribly insecure. All I can say in terms of hope, is that many people begin new careers quite late in life. “No career choices” sounds like distorted thinking to me (can you tell I’ve had years of therapy?). Rejection is intensely painful, especially if you are already depressed. No job offers with over 30 applications sent has to be depressing in and of itself. And yet, that next application might lead to a wonderful job.
3. I am so sorry about your financial difficulties, and the rejection by your family. I don’t know where you live, but in many places there are resources for people in similar situations to keep you from being homeless.
4. Isolation is very painful, and I have gone through periods where people don’t contact me. I have called crisis hotlines before, just to hear a human voice.
5. Adding cocaine in the mix does make a bad situation worse, but that does not make the situation unsolvable. Treatment for cocaine addiction is available, whether you are a full-blown addict or not. Looking for something to ease your pain does not make you a bad person.
6. It sounds like you are a very intelligent person, and hardworking. Those are both wonderful qualities which will survive any depressive episode. The ending of a good season in life does not mean that there are no more good seasons in store for you.
7. I presume you are referring to the God of the Christian Bible, though of course I could be wrong. Maintaining that assumption, there is absolutely nothing you can do wrong that cannot be forgiven. His Mercies are new every morning, and it is always His desire to have a relationship with you. That is why He sent His Son to die for the sins of the world, so that each of us can live with Him. There is not a single verse in the Bible listing a sin which cannot be forgiven.
Hi there, thank you so much for your words. I seriously did not expect to see so many answers to my post. I would love to meet you all or have the chance to skype or something. Too bad that this website doesnt offer the option to connect to people.
I will try my best to turn my life around before ending it all. I will keep you guys posted.
thanks again
R.
R., I have been deeply moved both by your comment and others’ responses. I don’t have time to fully respond now, but I want to let you know that this site has a Facebook page at facebook.com/speakingofsuicide. Please feel free to drop in and interact with folks there, if you’d like!
Hi Stacey. I loved the responses and how people take their time to share their experience. Facebook doesnt sound like a good idea to me – too much exposure. It´d be great if you offered a way to connect people some other way (whatsapp groups, skype, etc.) Thanks again!
That’s a good point, R. You’re not anonymous on Facebook. However…although this is against this rules, I do know that some people create alternate accounts with a false identity for this very purpose, to be able to communicate anonymously about sensitive topics such as suicidal thoughts or substance use. But if Facebook discovers that a person has more than one account, than they can cancel all of them.
Well, in the meantime, I’m so grateful that you liked seeing others’ responses and experiences. I hope they are of help to you as you go through these hard times!
R., I can’t believe how well I relate to your post. Some of our circumstances are different (although just as difficult), but where we align is that I also lost my engineering career and post-doctoral candidacy (due to depression), and now I’m facing lifelong poverty with no one to help me. I can’t get my career off the ground, and I feel completely isolated and hopeless. I can’t believe how far I’ve fallen and that things have turned out this way for me.
I have other circumstances that are compounding my already bad situation (I don’t feel comfortable stating them here), and I came to this article for the same reason that you did, but then I found you… I really hope that you’re still here. While I’ve never met you, I see so much of myself in what you’re going through and the way that you feel, and I really hope that you don’t give up. You’re clearly intelligent and just on the basis of what you wrote, I truly believe in you and your ability to turn things around. I believe in you like I believe in myself. I’d feel so sad to know that you gave up when you still had so much promise and so much to offer. I care because I know how you feel. I really hope you respond to this…
Hi Rebecca and everybody,
Thank for all your messages – its great to be able to speak out and be heard somewhere in the world.
I think some replies didnt go through, Im not so keen to rewrite the responses But Id love to talk with all those who are interested in mutual encouragement.
Rebecca, I dont know what to say to you. Im so very sorry and I hope that you can turn things around and tell us about it. Are you sure that you cannot reapply to your doctorship? It always amazes me how its hard to get second chances in this world. Id like to talk to you if you want.
my very best regards to all of you
This might sound very cheesy, but you sound like you have a lot to offer the world. I mean seriously, you can speak 6 languages fluently! You scored 740 on your GMAT! Someone with skills like that shouldn’t just take their own life. And also, just because you have been successful in the past doesn’t mean you can’t be successful again. Maybe you haven’t even reached the high point of your life yet. You never really know. You’re still young; you’re only 32. Just think, you’re just barely out of your 20s! You have a lot more years left fore success. And with the HIV, I honestly know how you feel. I’m going through a similar situation, the only difference is that I have a different disease and that I’m only 15 years old. Thousands of people around the world have HIV and can still live a successful life. And just forget about the awful, terrible, despicable man who gave you the disease. He is nothing but a low life who doesn’t even deserve the time of day. My only wish is that you continue to live, and that you keep your hopes up. Do whatever you can to get money; apply for unemployment, apply for financial aid, anything helps. Just based off of what you had said in your post, I know that you have much to offer this world. Your time will come again, even if at times you are alone in your journey. Keep your head up and don’t forget your worth!
At the end of the game, the king and the pawn both go back into the same box. Don’t compare your old self to your new self, or anyone else; this is what is causing your pain. Better days are just ahead my friend.
I am second language speaker my advice may not make sense. In ur 32 years young life u have accomplished some only dream of. U are brilliant young and full of future.I came from third world countries people who are living with HIV AIDS are now living a better meaningful life time has changed. U have Better health care access than them pls do not do it what ever u do on the past Christ died for u he will never forget or forsaken u pls trust and wait still pls
Just decide to live! You are here because of your own decisions. Right! Now, stop blaming yourself….. all you did because of your innocence. You always were a good person and just because your body is going to die may be 30 years before usual life time-span does not mean anything unusual. Many people take birth and spend their lives only dreaming of all that you have already achieved. You have already lived life of a successful person. You have enjoyed life and what you want is more more and more for self. Don’t you think you are so brave that you chose to live life of your dreams. You believed in God and he allowed you to fall in the pit. So, open your eyes to reality. You are the ‘self’ who will live ‘with body’ and ‘without body’. Stay cool…. meet other HIVs who need assistance. Do things to help others, ‘not for money’.
hey im going through something like you and needing help you can talk to me if you want email me at irwinbabe27xx@gmail.com and kik me at bevva anything i need help and so do you and we can both help eachother.
I feel your pain. Living is hell. Hope things get better for you cuz I gave up on me.
I have made several attempts. this is over 40y with bipolar. The fear of never getting better.. likely worse after trying ects ..about 200 now… every drug avail. or research group I could participate in.. after getting a bit better was offset by the years of hitting that slippery slope..knowing one is on the way down… man that is scary ..
When suicidal thoughts. plans appear… well it can be after a long time of sadness..
This is why I am so angry at the hesitation of administering sKetamine .. this is NOT your club drug.. it does NOT lead to addiction… the drug is given in very low doses , does not generate halucinations as does the club version at higher amounts…
Why when the research points to a RAPID relief… it is avail.. Go ahead with modifications or aberations of it.. but how many could be helped today,, right now… so sad…
My heart goes out to anyone at the edge now,,,
I don’t want to die. Money is my problem. I soon my be living under the via duct and would rather die. Age is a factor for a job that pays good wages. Now what?
Joanne,
It must be overwhelmingly painful and frightening to struggle financially and face homelessness. I am wondering if you’ve fully explored the resources in your area that are available to people who need emergency assistance, job retraining, housing for low-income people, and the like. If you are in North America, please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). They can connect you to a local hotline that has listings of agencies that provide assistance in such situations.
I know that there is light eventually, but Iit won’t be there for me. You don’t get it the way suicidal people do. I have spoken back to my voices. It just gets worse. Hope is gone.
Frances, it is terribly sad that you feel such pain and hopelessness. You say I “don’t get it the way suicidal people do.” What might you say to the many, many people who themselves felt severely suicidal and now are grateful to be alive? They “get it,” yet they also would urge you to get help and do everything possible to try to stay alive.
An excellent book by such a suicide survivor is This is How It Feels, by Craig Miller. The author tried very hard to die and was hospitalized multiple times. And now, he is active in the suicide prevention movement, reaching out to others who struggle as he did and providing them with his understanding and hope. If you are so inclined, I highly recommend reading the book and being open to its message.
There are many other such books, too, and many other survivors of suicide attempts who made it through to the other side and who have valuable experiences to share.
Thank you. I am happy you care.
I’m so grateful for this website. I struggle frequently with intense suicidal thoughts and even though I am on medication, I am in therapy, it is still so helpful to read through this list and strengthen my hope.
Thank you so much. It’s so wonderfully written. So compassionate and validating, but also still mentions some very confronting issues.
Truly wonderful. Thank you.
Debbie,
What kind words, and what wonderful feedback to receive. Thank you for sharing.
I’m sorry that you experience intense suicidal thoughts. I hope you will continue to receive whatever help you need and to be receptive to messages of hope and change!
Are there any resources avalible from professionals who have had success helping persons with long term reacuring major depression? I’ve been through all the therapy’s, treatments, medications, journaling, meditation, exercising, trying to find some interest in something, trying to find enjoyment in something. Plus many many others encluding positive thinking, positive feeling ( some may refer to them as disidentifing with negative thought and/or feelings)
So you see I know what I’m talking about.
So I ask again. “Are there any resources avalible from professionals who have had success helping persons with long term reacuring major depression?
Per my experience I have yet to find one. Many say ” Yes I have had many years successfully treating persons with depression”. Pin them down, make them answer my question above and their answer will be quite different.
Chuck,
I am not sure I understand your question. Are you seeking referrals to professionals who have successfully treated people with treatment-resistant depression, or are you seeking to know what resources such practitioners use?
right now i really want to kill myself. Even through im getting B’s in school im getting alot of unsatisfaction from my parents. theyre pressuring me so much and i just cant take it anymore. constant pain of hearing them saying you need to improve. I got so mad i also hit my mom. i know youll say suicide is not the answer but i really want to just end it all
ShiroYakashi,
You are right, I don’t think suicide is the answer, but that is not a meaningful response to you. Perhaps what will be more meaningful is to tell you I understand, and I empathize. It must be so painful to relentlessly get the message that can sound as though you are not good enough. You must have been overwhelmed with emotion to have hit your mom. I imagine it feels like there is no escape from your pain besides ending it all. I don’t think it is surprising at all to consider suicide in the face of such pain and overwhelm.
That said, I do think it is easy to get tricked into thinking that the pain and overwhelm you are experiencing now will last forever, when you really can’t know that. Are there other options besides killing yourself? Is your family in family therapy? That could help. Is there someone you can talk to in complete honesty about what you are going through, like a friend, teacher, therapist, aunt, etc? Are there things you can do or tell yourself to soften the blow of the criticism you hear or to distract yourself from it?
Those are just a few possibilities. If you are in the U.S., I recommend calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK) to talk this through with someone else, and to get some resources in your area. Please also check out the Resources tab on this site for ways you can get help by text, email, and chat.
Good luck to you!
I am a suicide attempt survivor. In December of 2005, I shot myself in the head. I am now blind in one eye, and I had to have the roof of my mouth rebuilt. Today, I have attended several years of DBT, I am on meds, and I have a great social support system. Last year, I became a certified Peer Support Specialist/Counselor. I now work with people like me. I have learned I have something that people want; so I share it as much as possible. Life DOES get better after death, as I say. Keep plugging away, keep your faith and that light at the end of the tunnel we are convinced is a freight train; well, you will soon find out it is really the light of hope.
Beth, what a gift of hope you give you to others, by showing that even though you wanted to die so badly that you shot yourself in the head, and even though you endured extreme suffering and vision loss as a result, your life still got better. Not only that, it also sounds like you’ve found great meaning and purpose in your life, along with great hope.
I am so sorry for all you have gone through, and so grateful for the way you have used that pain to help others, and yourself.
Thank you for writing here! Based on your comment, I imagine you are an excellent Peer Support Specialist/Counselor. Many people adamantly believe life absolutely can never get better. You have lived to tell otherwise.
I believe everyone has the right to commit suicide.I’ve been thinking about suicide since I was 14.Now i’m 31 and not a day goes by that i don’t wonder why I haven’t done it yet.Had I killed myself at 14,I would have been spared all the subsequent nonsense in my life.I also got tired of hoping for things to get better,since they never have and never will.They only got worse.Why are we being brainwashed into thinking life is worth keeping?I was born without my consent,why should’t I have the right to end this life that I have never asked for?What’s so great about being alive?I should perhaps mention I’m an atheist,of course it’s different for people who think that suicide will lead them straight in hell.At the end of the day,there’s no reason why people should have to explain or justify their decision to put an end to their meaningless life.Nor is there a reason why they should be judged and treated like they’re non compos.
Hi Alma, thanks for sharing your experience. I can’t help but wonder what pain, illness, depression, crisis, or other trauma you have experienced to long so fiercely for suicide. I felt sad reading your words. I’m sorry if my words make it sound like I consider you to be non compos mentis. Of course I cannot know such a thing, especially not from a brief comment on an Internet site, and it is not my intent to convey otherwise.
You ask excellent questions. My own very quick response to your question “Why are we being brainwashed into thinking life is worth keeping?” is because our biological instinct is to live. Every cell in our body is programmed for our survival. So if the brain itself goes against the survival instinct, it makes sense that something is wrong.
Many people disagree with me, I know. They say that suicidal wishes are not a symptom or a sign of anything being wrong, that even somebody in the best of mental health can rationally want to die. Perhaps. But I have seen many people who said similar statements as you do above and who later felt completely differently. They lived, and they are happy to have done so, even amid the frequent unhappiness that life imposes. Those people are part of the reason why I am passionate about suicide prevention.
You don’t say whether you have received any professional help or tried any medication. Perhaps you feel it is not necessary. Suicidal thoughts can be tricky that way – sometimes they convince the person they are truth, so why do anything about them?
If you decide you do want to talk to somebody, please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). They can connect you to resources in your area, if you are in the U.S. You can also find other places to connect with somebody by phone, text, chat, or email at another page on this site: https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
“I believe people can change, but only for the worse.”
Eminem
Arash, this has not been my experience. I find that life continually gives us opportunities to learn, grow, and improve – whether we like it or not. This is both a blessing and a curse!
I agree, people should have the right to suicide. It is a decision that an individual should have the right to make.People have the right to a Advanced Directive. So, if someone is suffering from a mental illness why do they not have the choice to end there life?
Ann,
You are not alone in asking that question. I previously have written a response to such questions in my post Why Prevent Suicide? Here are My Reasons.
i feel like all of these things are just the same (no offense) but in reality these don’t matter most of us just think that you writers are just a bunch of do gooders (i don’t think that) and that you don’t really care. because you don’t know us and our situations and how hard it really is to internally or externally debate with yourself trying to decide if living one more day will make a difference. and for a lot of us the side that just wants it to end wins. no matter what you do or read, and a lot of us know that so most of us don’t even try and get help
Laura, you describe very well the states of helplessness, hopelessness, and ambivalence that can go hand in hand with suicidal thoughts. It can be hard to seek help when a big part of oneself is saying that seeking help will do no good, or that one doesn’t deserve help, etc.
I am intrigued by your comment that writers who support suicide prevention “don’t know us and our situations and how hard it really is to internally or externally debate with yourself trying to decide if living one more day will make a difference.” This portrays an us/them mentality, as if one can’t be both “us” and “them.” Many writers who support suicide prevention are in the field precisely because they have survived the harrowing internal debate between life and death. Kevin Hines is an excellent example; he survived jumping off the Golden Gate Bridge, and he has been dedicated to suicide prevention ever since.
I say this only to try to dissuade you from dismissing writers out of hand, as if they have no insights or experiences to draw from when they write. Indeed, many people who thought they couldn’t be helped were in fact helped. Maybe you can be one of them, too!
What if you lost all the hope that your life will get better
Sheley, what a painful place to be. Yet feeling hopeless does not mean that you truly are hopeless. Hopelessness is a feeling, not a fact.
Many things can cause feelings of hopelessness, depression being perhaps the most common. Depression causes people to view the world with a negative filter, one that blocks out reasons for hope.
I hope you will consider the possibility that losing hope that your life will get better does not mean that your life will never get better. Honestly, although you feel hopeless, how can you know what lies ahead?
More should be said about PTSD and its effects on ones brain, when I was 14 I stole a car drunk, later on 12 hours I steal a van, after a few miles a chase ensued, thinking with some Dukes of Hazard move I could get away, mentality of a child, huge wreck, officer dies, I grow up in a youth center, tormented, no services, after all my crime, I am 41, disabled, due to the effects I can’t funtion, my children hate me, I have an illness I am ashamed of, I am a black sheep, everyone’s opinion is look at who u leave behind, here’s my question, how much does a person have to live thru when he becomes lost in the system, to beat all that, i hear damn voices in my head that I deserve to hang and burn for what I have done, those words r imprinted in my head from the court room, maybe they’re all right, don’t let others get lost in the system no matter their childhood, everyone can be helped when they’re young, it’s too late for me, but I am at peace with that now, my purposes was to tell my story, we need to help the children, they are our future, due to the system the adults get lost and become just another number, someone checks u in, then u hear next, what happened to hi, know a name, notice the look in someone’s eyes, I am just another statistic
“In Pain,” what a heartbreaking comment about what you did, what you have endured, what you feel.
I understand your guilt must be enormous. Almost 30 years have passed since that terrible night. Can you forgive yourself?
You want to die. But can you do more good for others alive or dead?
Can you advocate for children, as you have done here? Can you advocate for adults? Can you in some way help out another teen who lands in youth detention and feels hopeless, afraid, and abandoned?
You did not receive the death penalty for what you did. Why are you going to impose it on yourself?
Please call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.TALK (8255). Or try one of the resources for suicidal individuals listed here.
Based on what you wrote above, I believe you can do more good in your life. I believe you can feel better. I hope you do, too.
Ive been contemplating suicide since late 2012. It started coming back from afghanistan right away really but I was able to cope briefly through alcohol and partying with buddies. But when that died out and I didnt have much of an outlet I turned to excessive physical training which helped until I ended up hurting myself training. I was prescribed medicine that I couldnt drink while taking and unable to excercise and losing interest in going out with friends things started to sink in more and more.
I had insomnia and nightmares when I could get a couple hours. I often woke up abruptly in a panic or sometimes unable to physically move. Bad memories always lingering, always tired, and no family to turn to I seriously thought about just ending things. My medical officer had me see a psychiatrist once a month who seemed to toss pills at me like candy. None seemed to help. I saw a psychologist every week then every other week. Things didnt get any better however they didnt get any worse too. The hits kept coming though including my elder brother committing suicide himself and a little brother looking to me for comfort but at that point it was hard to feel anything at all.
I fought to get out of the military without being medically held convinced once I was out and surrounded with family with a new environment that i’d be fine. But I was wrong. Here I am worse than ever but now I have no support or medicine or doctors. I can’t burden my family because they are convinced i’m this strong marine they can be proud of. But I got nothing left. I feel less and less towards my family, cant sleep, cant forget the bad, and am losing every battle I step into that is life. Financially, emotionally, physically, soon enough legally. I read the words here on this site but I have a hard time seeing a road I havent tried to walk down yet to deal with this. Soon i’ll be another one of those homeless vets who despite having benefits for it cant even get into college because of bs medical restrictions.
Cant find a job because 5 years of shooting guns translates worse than a high school teen in the civillian work force. Fighting to lose everything anyway seems like wasted energy. I just hope if I do break that I have the courage to end things. Im too much of a coward now. I just dont want to end up hurting someone im close to who might try to help or end up freezing or dehydrating to death on the streets. Slow and painful though I probably deserve it for some of the things ive done. I wish I could just understand what to do.
Joshua, how painful it is to read your words, and how much more painful it must be for you not only to write them but also to live them, day by day, hour by hour. You clearly have been through immense pain and loss. I can understand that, based on what you have written here, you feel hopeless. But I hope you will consider that you do have options.
Here are just a few options that became evident to me while reading your comment:
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline has a dedicated service for veterans. They will know of some resources that you have not considered. Their number is 1-800-273-8255 (TALK).
Your family might be able to help you. You said that you don’t share your problems with them because they consider you a strong Marine to be proud of. But all of the above can be true: You can be hurting, you can need their help, AND you can be a strong Marine to be proud of. Who is stronger, the Marine who continues to suffer in silence and self destruction or the Marine who bravely lets loved ones help him or her?
I don’t see in your comment that you ever received consistent psychotherapy. Cognitive behavioral therapy in particular, but also many psychotherapies overall, can help you to find hope where right now you feel none. You state that your options are homelessness or death. But there are more, many more, options than that. Therapy can help you find the many shades of gray between the black and white ends of the spectrum.
You likely have more options regarding college than you realize. Universities have no right to know your medical record. So there are no medical restrictions. On the other hand, many universities have special services dedicated especially to veterans, and all have policies for providing accommodations to people who voluntarily share that they need them for a physical or mental illness. The universities are for you, not against you.
Joshua, please continue to reach out, as you have done here on this website. Please exhaust all your resources (which should take quite a while!) Please let your family help you.
Until you do those things, and more, you cannot really know what else can await you.
thank you I wanted to kill myself I feel better now
“Anonymous,” I’m sorry you have been feeling so badly that you wanted to kill yourself. It’s good that the words on this page soothed you, and I hope you will also get help. Please check out the Resources page on this site for information about hotlines, chats, and other resources for people who have thought about or attempted suicide. Good luck to you!
I find so many sites to be pejorative about this topic and the people who are pondering suicide. Thank you for doing what you do and for being understanding of people’s issues.
Thank you, I appreciate the feedback! I agree with you that pejorative language is unwarranted. Talk about adding insult to injury….
“To the world you may be only one person, but to one person you may be the world.”
I’m crying right now. I cannot begin to tell you how much that touched me…
I’ve been stuck in a really hard place lately. I got suspended for two weeks, and after a week and a half of social isolation, I’ve been starting to have auditory hallucinations… It’s hard to be stuck in our ugly kitchen with only my suicidal thoughts and the wolf spider I found in the sink…. I’m tired of all the loneliness and bullying and sheer torment I know I’ll recieve when I return, but I’m scared of losing everything I still have…
Hello Madie,
I’m sorry you’re suffering, and so intensely, too. Are you receiving help? Have you shared your suicidal thoughts with anyone, whether a parent, friend, or teacher?
A good start would be to call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.TALK (8255). Please also check out the resources on this site, at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp
Perhaps you are already receiving help. If so, please share with that person or people what you wrote here. You don’t need to be alone with the spider and your thoughts.
Some words on this page touched you. They spoke to the part of you that wants to live. I hope that you will honor this part of yourself!
You are absolutely right, the real horror only starts after a failed suicide attempt.
I tried to hang myself once, then the towel broke, I dropped and fell on the ground. In next 5 minutes(perhaps), I puked everything out on the ground meanwhile unable to move for it hurts so much when I hit the ground. I was in agony and lying in my own puke for about 15 minutes before was sent to a hospital.
I am sorry to hear about your suffering, Chen. I hope that you have been able to experience some relief from your anguish.
The Resources page on this site has a section for suicide attempt survivors. Please take a look at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#attemptsurvivors.
Thanks for reaching out. Perhaps someone else who reads of your experience will be deterred from suffering in a similar way, and instead will ask for help. Perhaps!
I’d advise against throwing in philosophical quotations without their proper context and certainly without quoting them in full lest misunderstanding looms around the corner. Camus’ full quote from the Myth of Sisyphus goes as follows:
“There is but one truly serious philosophical problem, and that is suicide. Judging whether life is or is not worth living amounts to answering the fundamental question of philosophy.”
He’s quite right: whether or not life is worth living and the meaning of existence to us as sentient, thinking beings is not a question science can answer and therefore psychology and psychiatry are of no use in this regard. If they are indeed sciences or applied sciences (something which can be debated as was done by Sasz, Laing and others) they can only be based on the facts and relations between facts and empirical understanding should lead to effective treatments for those suffering from these particular problems. Yet there lies the rub: the mental health industry bases its work regarding suicide not on science but on ideology, namely that life is good and should always be maintained no matter what in combination with the notion that individual freedom and self-determination are subordinate to the interests of society and even (paradoxically) to the intrests of the individual herself (paternalism). This is remeniscent of the christian philosophy of the natural law and imo it’s plain wrong: it’s not because we humans are, as all animals, driven to continue life for as long as possible that it therefore also follows that this is rational or morally good.
This is what David Hume called the naturalistic fallacy: from what is one cannot deduce what should be, there’s no logical connection between the two. Yet this is apparantly what psychiatrists, therapists and suicidologists overlook when they project their own values onto their clients, patients and research subjects. Again this isn’t science (nothing in nature says suicide is wrong, it’s quite clear morality doesn’t exist outside the human mind), it’s ideology and a moral standpoint that stands in sharp contrast with the principle of a free society under the rule of law. Imo psychiatry, psychofarmacology and clinical psychology should study these phenomena and try to come up with cures and palliatives to these conditions but it’s not up to them to decide if the life of others has meaning and is valuable (to the individual, not to others) let alone whether suicide is right or wrong in particular cases.
I’ve got no quarrel with articles like this that are aimed at pursuading people to abandon their plans, what I do take issue with is the use of force against people who haven’t broken any laws solely based on the fact that their values stand in opposition to those of society. It is highly absurd and illogical that committing suicide is no longer viewed as a criminal offence yet talking about it, planning it and attempting it can land people in a jail they call mental hospital.This is de facto punishment for an unofficial crime (the complete and utter rejection of society and its values such as unbridled optimism, hedonism and materialism) even though it’s sugarcoated with more innocent sounding terms. Still a rose that is called by any other name would still smell as sweet, or in this case rotten.
I really don’t get how people who probably think of themselves as morally upright and basically good can justify this immoral use of force under the guise of medicine (obviously this is nothing new in psychiatry as it has been used in the past to oppress women, the poor, blacks and political opponents) and how they can stand to look at themselves in the mirror before they go to sleep at night.
Thank you Zara. We need to bring it to the attention of the courts in a big way.
Zara, I read your comments to this article (I read all the comments) and wholeheartedly agree with your reasoning. A physician scientist myself, I’ve been making very similar arguments since before medical school many years ago. It’s always stunned me that so-called scientists and “experts” in mental health somehow refuse to see the obvious, that regarding the evaluation of a given life, only the one living it could have any meaningful right to judge it. You are correct that psychiatry has been used to oppress unfavorable groups of humans since its inception. One of the latest groups is the suicidal. But psychiatrists, and the medical professional in general, refuse to see the parallels between their historic crimes of oppression and the freedoms they deprive otherwise coherent, responsible, even intellectually cogent individuals of today. What prompted me to reply to your comment is the lack of a reply from the blog’s author, Dr. Freedenthal. I think–and a growing number of individuals, medical bodies, and even nations agree–your comments about individual autonomy and freedom to determine the particulars of our own inevitable ends are among the most salient life-topics, not just today, but throughout most of civilization’s history. We don’t force adult patients to undergo “therapies” in other branches of medicine where physicians are only advisors to the ultimate deciding authority, the patient herself. Yet mental health therapists are empowered literally to force treatment on those who express a sufficiently alarming (to others) desire to die. Yes, there are circumstances under which we ought to intervene where another intends to end her or his life–and these are in the great minority, but the denial of this ultimate, intimate choice as currently embodied in our culture’s laws is a reprehensible abrogation of the very concept of personal freedom.
In twenty years of asking the same questions of medical colleagues at some of the world’s so-called finest universities and medical centers, I have yet to hear one pro-life apologist offer a philosophically consistent and defensible argument that justifies broadly forcing adults to continue living lives they do not wish to live. I wonder if the “experts” think that by merely ignoring the counter-thesis to life-is-fundamentally-good-and-therefore-must-be-preserved, the rest of the thinking populace will follow suit. In any case, I really wish Dr. Freedenthal, who exhibits noteworthy tact in dealing with the subject relative to many of her colleagues, would address your comments specifically, as she has addressed many other comments here. In any case, I’m confident that eventually the world’s governments will legislate self-determination laws, though not likely widely in our lifetimes. In teaching medicine for more than 15 years now, I’ve noticed a very strong change in perspectives about suicide among young medical students and residents, and this bodes well for the distant future. Thanks for posting an important perspective.
Efraim, thanks for your thoughtful comment. Reading over your comment and Zara’s, I think there are several fundamental questions at play:
1. Is suicide always an irrational act?
2. Should society (and all the various units of society, including friends, family, and mental health professionals) try to prevent suicide?
3. Should suicidal people be forced into treatment to prevent them from dying by suicide?
I think these three issues get conflated, as if the answer is either “yes” to all three questions or “no” to all three questions. But that is simplistic.
As for myself, here are my beliefs:
1. Is suicide always irrational?
Yes, I believe so, except in cases of terminal illness where death is certain and soon. Our bodies have so many mechanisms in place to protect us from death – not just one survival instinct, but many – that something has to go awry for that survival instinct to disappear.
Now, let me qualify this. Suicide may seem completely rational to the person suffering. They are in intense pain, distress, or something else that feels intolerable. They want the pain to end. They see no end, so death becomes their solution.
Or they feel nothing at all, find no value in their existence, and see death as a way to end an exhausting and meaningless struggle.
In both scenarios, suicide may be rational to them. But the fact is that most people who die by suicide have a diagnosable mental illness, or are intoxicated, or both. (I will look up precise figures and sources at another time.) Something in their mind is making the irrational seem rational.
We know this because the great majority of people who attempt suicide, even those who clearly make quite severe, nearly lethal attempts, do not go on to die by suicide. They get better. Or they at least get to the point where they find reasons and desire to live, even if they still suffer. Their convictions that nothing would change were wrong.
Efraim, you yourself note that suicide is not always rational. You write, “Yes, there are circumstances under which we ought to intervene where another intends to end her or his life….”
So how do we decide under which circumstances suicide should be prevented? I myself cannot find a dividing line that is not porous with exceptions. Can you?
Consider how many teens die by suicide. Do you think their suicides are irrational? I would bet your answer is yes, because they are young, they are acting from a very constricted worldview, their situations will obviously change in time. And if your answer is no, then I am intrigued and would love to hear more about why, because I can’t fathom not trying to prevent teens from killing themselves.
2. Should society (and all the various units of society, including friends, family, schools, and mental health professionals) try to prevent suicide?
I passionately believe suicide should be prevented whenever possible, for the reasons above. Most people who are intent on dying later change their minds at some point, whether because their depression lifted, they are no longer intoxicated, they have discovered solutions to their situation, they realize that they were being irrational, they find peace through religion or spirituality, or any other of millions of possible changes.
On the one hand, I think we should prevent suicides as much as possible for the sake of people who feel suicidal. Down the road, whether the next day or year or decade, they are likely to live differently and feel differently.
On the other hand, we don’t only protect the suicidal. We also protect those who love them, those who know them, and society as a whole. It is well known that suicide bereavement can lead to suicide risk, depression, and other hazards to mental health. Suicides can have a contagion effect, especially for youth. Suicides are a public health issue.
For these reasons, I do think we should work as a society to prevent suicide. And Zara, I don’t think you would disagree that this is a fine goal. You stated, “I’ve got no quarrel with articles like this that are aimed at persuading people to abandon their plans, what I do take issue with is the use of force against people who haven’t broken any laws solely based on the fact that their values stand in opposition to those of society.”
Which brings me to question 3.
3. Should suicidal people be forced into treatment to prevent them from dying by suicide?
No. No, they should not.
I have given this much thought in recent months, and my thinking may still continue to evolve, but I think we might lose more lives by involuntarily hospitalizing people than by letting suicidal people move forward with their plans, unprotected. I say this not because involuntary hospitalization kills people (though, perhaps, it might well contribute to eventual suicide among some people who are committed) but because the fear of being involuntarily committed keeps many suicidal people exiled by fear, too afraid to seek help because they are certain that they will be committed if they dare tell a professional of their suicidal thoughts and intentions.
I think it is especially revealing that a post I published fewer than 2 years ago, “Will I Be Committed to a Mental Hospital if I Tell a Therapist about My Suicidal Thoughts?” has been viewed at least 41,000 times. It is the most popular post on my site. In the last week, it has had 500 views a day!
If we banned involuntary holds of suicidal people except in obvious cases of florid psychosis or intoxication, I think more people would feel free to seek help. We do know that various treatments can help people recover, such as antidepressants, lithium, dialectical behavior therapy, and cognitive behavior therapy. The more free people feel to seek those treatments, the better.
OK, that’s all for now. Thanks, Zara and Efraim, for bringing up your points and generating this discussion.
p.s. Zara, I apologize for not having replied to your comment earlier. I thought I had, but apparently I confused it with another discussion we had on another post.
I was puzzled by the statistic that 90% of those who attempt suicide and survive do not in the future die by suicide. I have previously heard that previous suicide attempts were a major risk factor for eventually dying by suicide?
Nel, you are absolutely correct – a previous suicide attempt is one of the biggest predictors of future suicide (in some studies, it is the biggest predictor). However, it is also true that, according to various research studies, only 10% of those with a previous attempt go on to die by suicide.
Currently in the United States, 14 out of 100,000 people a year die by suicide. That is roughly .014%, compared to the 10% rate for suicide attempt survivors. Thus, the suicide rate of 10% for people who survive a suicide attempt is 1,000 times higher than the average.
Nevertheless, the suicide rate for attempt survivors is fortunately still quite low, given that 9 out of 10 people who survive a suicide attempt do not go on to die by suicide.
(In calculating these probabilities, I’m using the annual average probability of death by suicide for the average American, which is .00014, compared to the annual probability of death by suicide specifically for suicide attempt survivors, which is .10. Some people might extrapolate such probabilities over a lifetime, which would lower the difference, but in any case the discrepant probabilities for suicide attempt survivors and others is quite dramatic.)
Thanks for asking this excellent question. I’m sure you were not alone in wondering about the apparent discrepancy.