If You Suspect a Friend or Loved One is Thinking of Suicide

You’re walking with your best friend and she steps into the street without looking, forcing a car to swerve around her. You say, “Oh my God, you almost got killed,” and she says, “It wouldn’t matter anyway if I were dead.”

Your son is home from college for spring break and has barely left his room. He barely eats, he sleeps all day, and he answers your questions with one-word answers.

Your father has bipolar disorder and nearly died from a suicide attempt two months ago. Lately he has stopped taking his medication and seems to be sliding back into depression.

Whether you’re worried about a friend or loved one because they made an offhand comment about suicide, appear to be struggling with depression, or actually attempted suicide in the past, it’s a tough place to be. What do you say? What do you do?

There’s enough advice to fill a book; I wrote Loving Someone with Suicidal Thoughts: What Family, Friends, and Partners Can Say and Do, to cover all the ways you can help the person – and yourself. In this post, the advice that I’ll cover can be distilled into three steps:

1. Ask the friend or family member if they have suicidal thoughts, even if you’re afraid to do so.

2. Listen – really listen – to their response. Don’t jump in with advice, reassurance, or problem solving, at least not right away.

3. Take steps to help the person get help.

Ask about Suicidal Thoughts

You might worry that if you ask someone if they’re considering suicide, then the person will blow up in anger (see my post about this topic here). You may have grown up thinking that suicide is a bad word, or a sin, or something only “crazy” people seriously think about. Or you might fear you’re overreacting.

Yes, the person you are concerned about might get angry. In those cases, ask yourself what would be worse: for them to get angry, or for them to be alone with their thoughts of suicide and to possibly act on those thoughts?

Consider that the person might not actually get angry. If they are not thinking of suicide, they may simply say something like, “No, no. I would never think of suicide.”

Another possibility is that the person will actually welcome your question. Many people who consider suicide feel isolated and ashamed. They, too, may have grown up thinking that it’s sinful or insane to seriously consider suicide. Or they may feel terrified of their thoughts and desperate for help, but unsure of how to broach this stigmatized subject.

Suffering alone with suicidal thoughts is a terrible burden. By asking this difficult question, you’re offering to share that burden with the other person. They might feel relieved that you asked.

This post goes over specific ways to ask someone if they’re considering suicide, in case you’re wondering.

Listen Well when Hearing about Suicide

If your friend or family member does say yes, they’re thinking of suicide, then you must first do what is most difficult: Listen, without trying to talk them out of suicide, at least not at first.

Sometimes just being able to talk about suicidal thoughts without being judged or lectured or dismissed gives the person hope. So, resist the instinct to immediately say common cliches that can make the person feel misunderstood, like “But things will get better” or “But you’re young and have so much to live for,” or “But your family will be devastated.”

Instead, say something like, “It must be awful to feel that way. Tell me more.” Listen, and then listen some more, asking questions along the way that demonstrate nothing but concern, such as, “What’s wrong?” or “What hurts so badly?” (For other suggestions, see 10 Things to Say to a Suicidal Person.)

After you have listened and understood, then what? Then comes the advice, the hotline numbers, the safety planning. Then, and only then. First, listen.

Take Steps to Get the Suicidal Person Help

Now comes the concrete assistance. Here are some ways you can help someone who is thinking about suicide:

Give the person the number to the 988 Suicide & Crisis Lifeline (the old number is 800-273-TALK/8255 and still works) and the crisis text line number, 741741 (for people in the U.S.)

If you’re a kid or teenager and the person you’re concerned about is, too, then tell an adult. Even if you were sworn to secrecy, this secret is too dangerous to keep when a life is at stake. Tell the person’s parents, or a teacher, or a minister – anyone who can help.

If the person you are concerned about is a family member, talk to other family members. Enlist their help. Make sure the home environment is free of lethal weapons, such as firearms or large supplies of medication.

Give the person information about other resources for help, such as mental health agencies in town. The Resources page on this site also might be helpful. You could also recommend self-help books to the person – or, better yet, give one as a gift — like The Suicidal Thoughts Workbook by Kathryn Gordon, PhD, or How I Stayed Alive When My Brain Was Trying to Kill Me, by Susan Blauner.

Direct the person to suicide prevention websites such as the 988 Suicide Crisis & Lifeline‘s site. Of course, this site SpeakingOfSuicide.com also may be helpful, in particular the post, “Are You Thinking of Killing Yourself?”

If the person appears to be in danger of immediately acting on suicidal thoughts or has already made an attempt, you might need to call 911 or accompany the person to an emergency room or crisis center. The police should be involved only if absolutely necessary. Involving the authorities can create new trauma, such as being handcuffed and taken against one’s will to even, in some tragic instances, being shot by the police. (A significant proportion of police shootings in the U.S. originated with a call to 911 about a concerned loved one.)

Other Resources for Helping Someone who Is Suicidal

For more information on helping people who have suicidal thoughts, check out these web resources:

https://988lifeline.org/help-someone-else/

http://www.988lifeline.org/GetHelp/Someone

https://samaritanshope.org/get-help/need-to-help-someone-who-is-struggling/

https://afsp.org/when-someone-is-at-risk

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/suicide-prevention/suicide-prevention.htm

http://www.suicide.org/how-to-help-a-suicidal-person.html

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/whattodo.htm

© 2013 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com

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