Suicide causes so much devastation in the living – so many overwhelming feelings, so many should-have-done’s and could-have-been’s, so many questions.
Amid such heartbreak, many survivors also agonize about why their loved one did not leave a suicide note. Melinda McDonald, a blogger who lost her husband to suicide, wrote about this agony in a deeply moving blog post:
I have struggled off and on with the fact that my husband did not leave me a suicide note. I am once again struggling with this. I have been for weeks now. Through talking to other suicide widows, I know that the suicide note doesn’t always bring comfort. It often times places blame, doesn’t make any sense, or just flat out, doesn’t bring ENOUGH love and affection to such a horrible situation. But there are times like now, that I wish I could pull out the note, and read it. Maybe to be reminded of what a dire state my husband was in. That death was his only option. Or just to see “I love you” one more time.
The Uncommonness of Suicide Notes
Thanks to movies and TV shows, many people believe that suicide notes are common, and that such notes provide answers to tormenting questions. The real world is quite different. Only 15 to 38% of people who die by suicide leave a note, according to results of 5 studies published in the last 10 or so years.
For survivors of the other 62% to 85% of suicides, the expectation of finding a note can lead to more pain. Another blogger who lost her partner to suicide wrote in a blog post (which is no longer online):
“I searched for a suicide note, not recently but back when I thought there might have been a note left for me. In the days he was missing, and intermittently after he was found, I vigorously ransacked Mottsu’s belongings. I turned everything inside out and upside down, looking for a last communication. No note was ever uncovered. I did worry I might have overlooked a final message of…. of what? The phenomena of a suicide note is perplexing. It is almost the expected protocol that someone who leaves unexpectedly, and without explanation, should leave behind a helpful note.”
What Suicide Notes Do and Do Not Say
It is natural to yearn for a suicide note in the absence of one. You may wish you had a window into your loved one’s mind in his or her final hours, perhaps even minutes, of life.
In the first blog post that I quoted above, the writer Melinda McDonald did ultimately remember a note that her husband had written her – not before his suicide, but before his first suicide attempt. Rediscovering this note brought her great solace.
But many times, a note leaves people aching for more. This is because suicide notes seldom contain dramatic answers to painful questions.
The most common theme in suicide notes, according to one study, is instructions. These instructions concern financial affairs, funeral arrangements, people to be notified about the death, and even trivial matters like cancelling the newspaper subscription.
The mundane instructions found in suicide notes prompted a psychologist, Roy Baumeister, Ph.D to state in an interview:
“Instead of explaining why they are in a suicidal state, most [notes] relate to feeding the dog and taking care of the plants.”
When notes do go beyond mere instructions, the most common emotional themes include depression, guilt, shame, hurt, and anger, according to another study.
It can be hard to make sense of the depression and other painful emotions that the suicidal person endured, let alone understand how those emotions could demolish all desire for survival. For this reason, suicide notes that describe the person’s emotional state may become the proverbial riddle wrapped in a mystery inside a puzzle: whatever answers that suicide notes provide may lead to yet more questions.
Only rarely, if ever, can words on paper make the illogic of suicide logical.
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© Copyright 2014 Stacey Freedenthal, PhD, LCSW, All Rights Reserved. Written for www.speakingofsuicide.com. Photos purchased from Fotolia.com.
I don’t know how to start but here I go. I met the love of my life July 2020. He took his life June 2022 its November, and I no longer am what I was. I feel like I’m the walking dead. during our relationship he had two failed suicide attempts and I fought to the point I was crying tears of blood for him to stay with me, and we will fight together through whatever demons he was trying to fight but they won and no matter how much you love them, show them you love them, show you they love you sadly it isn’t enough when their mind is already made up. Four months later and I am still waiting for a letter even though I have many because he was a romantic and wrote me every day, I’m still waiting for an “I love you” and to sing to me in the mornings, I’m still waiting to come from work have him waiting up for me and read me a book and fall asleep together. I’m still waiting because for me at times I think he’s still alive and playing an awful trick on me but then reality hits when his mother posts about him and her pain of losing her son. I have cried every day for four months and each month that passes I feel my heart getting smaller. losing someone you love like this is so traumatic and painful that it’s almost a joke to me when someone who has no idea say “I know how you feel” because no you don’t! It’s mixed emotions all at once and I don’t know how much longer this depressive grief will stay.
Joan,
Your pain is so palpable in your words. Are you getting support? There are free support groups for people who have lost someone to suicide; the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention maintains a list. You also can join a support group online at the Alliance of Hope for Suicide Loss Survivors.
Thanks for sharing here. I’m very sorry for your loss.
My neighbor across the street, apparently committed suicide last night but he loved his dogs so wouldn’t he have a reminder for his partner to take care of them or such
I stand on the edge tossing dollars to the sea .I can’t buy back what I’ve lost . I can’t be who I’m not . No punishment in this life for my sins shall be their judgement. I am vividly aware of the glitches in my programming and have no code to reset .
Only god can judge me right..
It’s time we meet .
And I’ve pondered who’s selfish.
Those who choose to suffer no more .
Or those who think they should have to suffer
American Feral,
Very powerful missive! I hope you’re OK, or will be, though I fear the implications of your words. Please remember there are places you can call, text, or email for help, which I list on the Resources page. That’s a small solace, I’m sure, amid the pain you convey so forcefully above, but it bears mentioning, and I hope you’ll consider it.
This poetic comment has resonated with me deeply. I don’t suppose we will ever interact, but if you wish to chat I can be found at alistairknowles (at) gmail.com
I would be happy to hear from you.
Just about 2 hours ago my bestie told me that she can’t keep going and has found some ways to end her self. She said that she likes life but there is no meaning in living and no purpose for her. I know she is so damn serious. She had made her self a bucket list and done it completely and now it’s just the matter of time. We had depression for ages now and we have always been talking about giving up but this time, as she said she didn’t know what ” I just can’t anymore ” mean. And now I don’t know what to do!!! Should I wait for her death to come or should I have to try to save her? In this case what can I say? What can I do? Do I even have the rights to try to stop her eventhough I my self hate living and aware of the fact that life isn’t worth living? If I respect her decision how should I act ? What should I say?
I don’t know anything….
Cyrus,
I personally hope you will do what you can to save your friend. In the months or years to come, she may well thank you, and you will know you did what you could. I’m sorry that you hate living and that your friend does, too. Those feelings are painful, and they also can change. Life can get better.
Thanks for writing here. You obviously care deeply about your friend!
Thanks for replying.
You know a big part of me wants go save her but I really don’t know how! She even said that I can not save her! I’m so bad with people and understanding them in any cases and she in particular is a hard one to understand, I just don’t know what should I do or say
GO TO HER FAMILY MEMBER> A MOM OR DAD> someone who is close to her. period. They have a right to know too
I don’t know what the best solution for her is, but I can tell you this:
You can’t hold yourself responsible for somebody else’s conduct. Whatever she does is ultimately her choice. Your action or inaction didn’t cause it.
You guys sound young. She also sounds impulsive. If so then statistically if she attempts suicide she will probably fail. Most suicide attempts fail, you know.
But it’s not that simple. You don’t get to just fail in a suicide attempt, spend an hour in a hospital, and everything goes back to the way it was before. You could be one of those people who blows their face off with a gun because they held the gun wrong or flinched, and they have to spend the rest of their life without a face. You all can google it, there are dozens of people like that out there.
Or maybe the gun is at a better angle, but she just gets unlucky either through aim or because she just happened to pick a bullet which was old or defective and didn’t have the factory standard amount of gunpowder in it. So she ends up as a vegetable or paraplegic.
Not using a gun? You can survive a fall from a lot of different heights and the circumstances of surviving that fall are never pleasant. Even if you succeed, it’s not what you think. I know a guy, or knew a guy, who jumped off the Delaware Memorial Bridge in the late 90’s. His cause of death was drowning. See, the 200 ft fall had paralyzed him and he spent the last few minutes of his life in shock, paralyzed, massive internal bleeding, and slowly drowning in this freezing cold water. No-one ever found out what his thoughts were on the meaning of life or on his own actions in those last few minutes.
Other methods? Drug overdoses are not generally painless. Even if you use the correct drug and the correct amount, you’re as likely to choke to death on your own vomit as to have your standard OD exit. I’ve heard of people throwing themselves through plate glass windows in their death throes, they were in so much pain after OD’ing on a certain OTC medication. And if you survive that attempt, as most do, it’s likely you’ll spend the rest of your life with heart problems, or seizures, or with mild/moderate brain damage. That’s also true of hanging, by the way. The oxygen supply to the brain gets cut off, the person blacks out and they start behaving with pure subconscious survival instinct – making noise or breaking their way out in a blind panic. But by then the damage to the brain has already been done.
Or maybe there’s some other way and she survives AND through a stroke of luck doesn’t end up disabled. But she winds up with scars that everyone immediately knows what they are and she has to spend the rest of her life, on dates, in job interviews, interacting with people at cash registers, whatever, with these marks broadcasting to everyone that “HEY, I’M MENTALLY ILL! DON’T TREAT ME WITH RESPECT”. And it’s messed up that people are like that, but they are.
I know you don’t like hearing this but depressed people are absolute realists, particularly with each other, and I’m showing you respect by being real. I’m fifty. I’ve been in and out of severe depression for the last 8 years. I’ve been on 3 different types of psychiatric meds before giving up on psychiatrists altogether because while I feel psych meds are useful in an emergency, overall healing has to come from within. And I know way too much about suicide. I wish I had spent the last 8 years on more constructive pursuits, but I couldn’t and that’s that.
Just know what you’re getting into. Not just with actions, but with this line of thinking. This way of thought reinforces itself.
Cyrus,
Please I beg of you. Baker Act her to the hospital. I just lost my uncle who was saying very similar things and he is now dead. They found him hanging within a few hours of his wife going to work. I am in so much pain. Please try to take her first. If she will not go. Call a hotline, 911, I think you should Baker Act her immediately. Even if she gets mad at first who cares. Trust me she wants somebody to help her. God Bless You.
My sisters partner of 10 years committed suicide 30hrs ago, no note, no signs of suicidal thoughts , no depression as far as she knew. two days before they discussed getting married, their honeymoon etc.
WHY?!? why has he done this?!? that’s all that’s going through her mind, she’s not stable now and we are worried she’ll follow him. He waited until she had to take her daughter to a&e, went home, locked the bedroom door and was found by police. Her sons blame themselves as they were in the house, her daughter & my sister blame themselves for not being there…
Dear Charmaine, I am so terribly sorry to hear about your and your sister’s tragic loss. It is a path I am all too familiar with after losing my husband to suicide 9 February, 2012. There is absolutely nothing that can prepare one for such a horrific experience. There is also absolutely nothing that anyone can say that will dampen that pain. Statistically speaking, the literature often quotes that only about 1 out of every 4 people who take their lives leave a note. So it must not be taken personally if a note is not left behind for loved ones left behind. My husband never left me a note, however scribbled a message on the back of a photograph of our then 6 year old daughter that he would always love her. I don’t believe that he would have gone to the trouble of doing that if that particular photo was not stuck up on a kitchen cupboard where he stood and knocked back some sedatives before proceeding to hang himself. Learning that most suicide victims don’t leave a note was a comforting fact for me because I was disappointed that he hadn’t. I was relieved that he left his message for our daughter so that she could be reassured that he loved her and that his suicide had nothing to do with her. Regarding the “Why?” question which haunts all of us loss survivors; the answers are a culmination of many, many complex factors. I have spent the last almost 10 years researching and writing to address this very question for myself which I hope to share with others. I have reached a point of acceptance and much better understanding as a result. In a nutshell, the brain is also an organ which can become unwell. Since it affects our thinking and rationalising, it follows how our actions can also be impacted. My advice as a loss survivor: don’t try and walk the journey of suicide grief alone – reach out for support from a mental healthcare provider, support groups, books & websites which offer support for loss survivors, and journaling. Writing about your pain has been proven to help tremendously. Perhaps you could give your sister a journal in which could pour out her pain through writing. There are also numerous helpful websites for survivors of suicide loss where you could download and print a booklet for your sister (which you should read too). If there is a support group in her area, that would also be helpful. Sadly, your sister is at a higher risk of suicide – as are all loss survivors. This is why it is critical that she gets the support she needs. This would include her children too. As a way of helping, you could guide her with this. I would like to end off by saying that as impossible as it may seem right now, the sun does shine again. As loss survivors, our lives are forever changed – no getting away from that. However, we do manage to find joy again. I pray for comfort for you all at this very sad and difficult time.
My husband left a torn piece of paper. It reads, I love you and I am so sorry.
He left my phone number and was found in a hotel room.
I am so sorry Ashley.
My only prayer is you find love and comfort in the days to come.
You are loved
Maybe the reason we want a note . . . is because the sadness and the grief makes us wonder if we asked enough questions (or listened) before the event happened. I struggled with that myself following my father’s death. Now, in the past few years, I started a note that lasted several months, thinking that as I would re-read it, it would change my mind. It didn’t, but I destroyed it. Who would care — nobody. So, now — the plans are being considered again — and there will be no note. If anybody cared, they would have already asked. But.
Hi Chrissy,
I`m asking. Are you ok ? Don`t give up.
Hi Chrissy,
I hope you are ok. I/people do care about you.
Hang in there, Chrissy. You are not alone. I know it can be very painful to l lose someone you love so much. I understand completely. Just remember, Chrissy, you did nothing wrong. Release your fears, worries it will all work out. Forgiveness is the key. Let go and let God heal you from this pain and grief. Give yourself more time to heal and put up boundaries until you are ready. Let go of the old ways of thinking. Your father wants what is best for you. He is in a better place now. He is watching over you. Just remember, God is always with you. Keep the faith, and don’t lose hope. Take care of yourself, and Don’t give up! God will heal you and keep you safe. Chrissy, I pray that God will wipe every tear from your eyes and comfort you so that there will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain in Jesus’s name. Amen.
I recently found a family member and then a week later going through an odd box of papers that was in their room I found a note listing the 3 of their family members and what they wanted each to have of their belongings. And simply signed Sorry.. and their name. Do people normally hide the note where they know it will be found.. so it’s not out in the open to be seen by strangers? No date so I wonder if it was an old note scribbled in despair and forgotten about.. or was it current and the why to what happened. No cause of death yet so I guess we wait.
My 44 year old sister took her life on September 28, 2020. I wish she would have left a note, even if it was to say feed the dog. There are so many questions, so many thoughts. I miss my big sister. To those struggling, please I beg you, get help. I have had depression since 1998, I know what sad means when a depressed person says they are sad. If you find yourself getting close to the point of taking your life, seek help. I did at 17 years old, I wish my sister would have at 44.
Andrea,
I’m sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing here; I’m certain your words will help some people out there.
I wonder if you’ve looked over the site for other resources that might be helpful to you. Here are a few:
Resources for Survivors of Suicide Loss
“If Only”: Self-Blame After a Loved One’s Suicide
Coping with the Suicide of a Loved One
Suffering from hellish and often permanent withdrawal symptoms from psych medications. Every single night when I lay on bed I only think of death. Psychiatry is a vile and disgusting industry, and in every possible sense the anti-thesis of any form of Christianity. Every psychiatrist and doctor who’ve knowingly put their patients under these sick medications deserve nothing more but a public shaming and an outright execution. These creatures are demons in human form, who are conducting “legal eugenics”.
I agree for the most part. Started weaning off Lexapro last November along with a couple of other meds and I’m STILL not right. These meds create dependency and a really negative relationship dynamic between doctor and patient. The doctor has absolutely all the power at that point because if you don’t see them you don’t get your drugs… and boy, do some of those doctors like to flex. I’ll never be the person I was pre-depression. Some of that is the effects of the depression but a lot is the effects of the meds.
That said, if the alternative is death then you do whatever you have to do to make it past the next couple of months. I do think doctors are really negligent about following up, and keep people on these meds for a lifetime and at a higher dose than needed, when the idea should be, “Let’s get this persons life back on track and get them off the meds ASAP.”
That’s why this idea of ‘reaching out for help’ with depression upsets me. People have entirely the wrong idea about what that does for you and grossly overestimate what psychiatrists can and will do for you. A fairly high percent of suicides were seeing professional help at the time of their death – I’ve read it’s something like 40%.
Why would most suicidal people leave a note explaining anything when our culture nearly universally tells them whatever reasons they have for the act are objectively wrong, that nothing justifies their decision? I imagine if I were suicidal and had been reading and hearing from EVERYONE that suicide is always wrong, always cowardly, always indicative of reasoning incompetence, I also wouldn’t leave a note. At that point, I’d just want to do what I could to assure my resources were distributed as I’d like.
You can’t on the one hand vilify a community for their beliefs and worldview then on the other hand wonder why they aren’t sharing their motivations with you.
this is very true, my thanks
For a person already in the bottoms of self-worth, guilt, and depression, to then heap upon them the additional obligation of responsibility for the grief and heartache of relatives and acquaintances after the act, is neither solace nor remedy. Doing so holds the person hostage to life. Simply remember their memory and know they are free of the onerous burden of living. To ask Why is frankly none of their damn business.
I agree, because it usually involves a tragic event they could not handle. It simply means they were sweet fragile souls who could not take the cruelty this society throws at us.
Perfect. Well written.
I suffer from severe, long-term depression that has lasted around 7 years now. I’ve survived a long time, but I can’t keep this up forever and I’ve given the idea of a note a lot of thought for when my time does come.
But there’s nothing I can say. Seriously, what do I say? If people don’t understand me when I’m alive, how am I going to make them understand my point of view in a note? If I tell someone I love them in a note, they’ll feel terrible because they didn’t stop me, and they’ll wonder why they weren’t enough for me to stick around. If I describe my feelings or my situation, odds are it will be misinterpreted, and besides that, my feelings as written when I’m actively suicidal willl be extremely bitter and angry and they won’t help anyone.
Write a note? I’ll probably make a special effort to NOT write one.
My son’s funeral was the day after you posted this. No, he did not leave a note. No, he would not have made anything better for me or his other relatives if he had left a message. There is a huge hole in our hearts and in the universe because he is gone. The same thing will happen if you decide to die this way. You are meant to be here. Think of what it will be like if the person who loves you the most discovers your body. I discovered the body of my son. The image will be forever seared in my mind and my pain will never end. Is that what you want for your loved ones? You may not know it, but you mean something to somebody. The next time you think about killing yourself, please call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255
I’m sorry to hear about your son. Understand anything wrong thing I might inadvertently say is not an attempt to trivialize what happened to you or what you’re going through.
I’m well aware of the effect my death would have. That’s the only reason why I’m still here – I don’t want to traumatize my own son, who is still very young.
People who are depressed tend to ruminate on things like this – over the past few years I have probably become more well-read on depression and suicide than just about anyone who isn’t a mental health professional and quite possibly more than some of those. It’s not that I don’t know what will happen. I know it’s bad for the survivors and it will be even worse for me if I screw it up. It’s not an embrace of that, but a rejection of what my life is. It is like bailing out of a plane that is on fire.
In terms of myself, I’m 49, rarely leave my basement except to interact with my son, and other than online friends hardly ever talk to anyone who doesn’t live with me. Over the past 7 years I’ve become moderately agoraphobic and have lost my capacity to even make it though a day where I’m not expected to do much without some kind of medication or drug (until 43 I never took meds or drugs). I haven’t had a decent full time job since 2009 and haven’t had ANY job since 2015. I sleep until 11 AM and if left to my own devices I would sleep a lot longer than that. Not because I’m lazy, but because I have no interest in getting up. But it’s not just laying in, mind, because it’s physical as well as mental. I actually AM that tired. Exhausted.
I am not an unusual case and there are people worse than me out there. At least I’m somewhat functional. There are lots of people who can barely get out of bed, where getting up, eating 3 meals, taking a shower and doing some laundry would be a great day.
A lot of depressed people are realists. We know how we appear. We know what our lives are like. And take my case as one out of many… no words are going to be able to take someone in my position and make their lives better again. I’m screwed. I know that. And being middle-aged, I know things are only going to get worse.
And I’ve taken meds of course. And they work. They stop you from doing anything drastic. But they don’t make you happy and more importantly they don’t get rid of whatever was making you depressed in the first place, whether that was PTSD or life circumstances or whatever.
I’ve gone though two phases that were really bad – one in 2015 and one a couple of years ago. I think the 2015 ordeal broke something to be honest because I haven’t been anything like the same since. I have a belief that once you’ve hit a certain low, that it changes you permanently. You don’t come all the way back.
What I’m trying to say with all this rambling is that it’s all very complicated and understanding/fixing depression is very, very difficult. It’s hard for ME to understand and harder yet to put it across to someone who hasn’t experienced it at that level. There’s no one conversation someone can have which would resolve those issues. Even professionals struggle to cure depression – the cure rate is not good among people with long term depression. Resolving it is like changing the course of a river.
I sent my last reply inadvertently and can’t delete it, so sorry if it reads messed up and ends in the middle of a sentence. It certainly won’t look proofread.
Anyway, I just want to add that I don’t think I ended up in this spot because someone failed me, or that they didn’t create the right environment or didn’t say the right thing, or that some stupid event years ago impacted me and they need to apologize.
These thoughts are nothing about other people and what they did and didn’t do. When I get bad, my thoughts are entirely within myself, I can’t hear anyone outside. With the really self-absorbed nature of depression, there’s a limit to what other people can do no matter how much love they have or how good they are.
I’ve never been in your position, but I hope you’re able to understand how I’m viewing the people in my life and the tunnel vision I have on my own inner world as a depressed person. And if you do understand that, you’ll be able to step back and not be hard on yourself or the people around you at a time like this.
Stacey, feel free to delete both posts if they are stupid or triggering. I’m not sure I’ve expressed myself properly.
Paul,
Thanks for sharing your experiences here. You describe very well your pain. I’m sorry your life has so much suffering.
I think suicide loss survivors have much to learn from people who themselves are suicidal. You’ve given a gift here by letting others see the inner workings of your own mind — and how their loved one who died by suicide might have similarly been trapped in the tunnel vision you describe, through no fault of the survivors.
I apologize for my delay in approving your comment. It was buried under many other emails.
Thanks again for sharing. I’d like to wish you hope and healing, but I know such words would seem hollow after what you’ve written here. But still, that’s what I wish.
No thank you because you are obviously biased on the subject
Typically an out for any and every thing. Leave a note….Don’t leave a note…… I would think any information that would truly explain the suicide of a loved one would help bring closure……..
[This comment was edited, per the Comments Policy. — SF]
Thank you
Very useful information. I was just curious just recently a individual OD’d on heroin but lived thanks to the paramedics. then turn around and blamed it on his girlfriend because she broke up with him
helllo my friend/sister……i under stand the impact this can have on someone…my grandfather woke up at 430 am like he did every morning and found a note by his coffe maker……these notes left us devastated,,but as you said,,,,,it left reason,,,, did it make it easier…..no. and even tho it left some insight….. it left more anger towards the people that made my uncle take his life that day…november 7 1996,,,, that was my father like uncle,,,his best friend was my dad…..,my uncle was who I knew as a father figure tho….. so when this happened,,,everyone lost a brother ,son a best friend. and even yes a dad,,,,he left a son with minor disabilities behind,,,…it was rough and still feels like yesterday,,,,but,,,,I can’t still hear the scream from man that nvr cried in his life….(my grandfather). ,,with out his death…i think there would be more suicides or ……even..myself…. it was his death that made us all stronger to go on…and beat temptation to take ones life because we knew first hand what the impact is…. with out that we would of nvr relized how many people it hurt more than helped..you have to remember when a human gets this far they aren’t thinking right,,,,, I know he wants to be here today,,,but,,,,I always tell people( its possible god knew it would be this way,) and now (he/my uncle/ and your husband) are doing greater things than they could of possibly done on earth,,,,,and I kno………it totally doesn’t feel that way…… but as the years go on……it just makes more sense,, as well it prevented sooooooooo many future deaths because of this random suicide……I think to myself ,,,,,,where would I be if he was here…
I don’t kno and ill nvr kno….but I do know one thing,,,,they are with us today just as much if not more than they could of been alive… i kno it doesnt feel that that….but we have to remember,,,,,its not the physical things that counts….
sometimes its the physical thing we need to feel secure….. but I believe everything happens for a good reason…..
I kno you want that note to pull out and read,,more than anything in the world somtimes,, but with that note,,,
would you of made this page, would you be helping thousands of people type of there inner dealings,,would you of impacted many by being greatful they at least left their loved ones at least something…. we will nvr kno….but what I do wanna say is,,,,,, thank you for sharing this,,, ive had many suicides after the first one I experienced,,,,,but noone like my father figure/ uncle) God let me kno….. the life cycle continues and someone right now that has started the cycle is holding that baby and is worth more than any one will ever kno….
if you hav kids youd understand…
I’m very sorry for your loss….but because of it…i bet you saved many with this site and page…some people I’m sure of it are close to taking there life them selves … but im also sure his death did not go in vain.
I kno its not fair to us……
but we need to remember,,,,its not the physical things we need.
but we understand it helps….
please email me if you ever need at anytime….
subnetdreamcast@gmail.com
My boyfriend passed away 2 months ago and i am only 13. I want to have a memorial at school but i have no idea what is appropriate
Consider planting a tree in his memory at your school. It would last a long time, and serve as a reminder that others should and can seek help.
Not every suicide leaves a note, and there are no answers to that. My brother and I have always been writers. His laptop was out, but no note. I lost him on November 1st 2006, when his ex said he didn’t pick up the kids from school. I found him dead in the garage, puke on his pants, and screamed for my now ex. I started beating the hell out of him screaming “you don’t know that! You don’t know what you’re doing!”
EMDR has helped a lot now, but back then I fought four cops screaming, “I can fix it! Let me in, I can fix it”. I saw him pulled out like trash, and the next I knew, there was no sound. I was walking in the middle of the street, 4 nervous cops tailing me. I felt like I’d walked away from a bomb blast. Until MY ex put a cell phone to my ear. A voice got through, and I said, “daddy, he’s dead” for the first time since age 5. Dad said I had to go back to the house, and he and mom were getting on a plane.
So if your considering it, please remember what the person who finds you sees… and sees and sees. Because you need to know. As for the note, here is why it doesn’t matter.
It was my last date night to this date and a year long nervous breakdown after my best friend killed herself one month later. Back in 2004 I had a 3.75 GPA, had a reading of my published work for a scholarship to CU Boulder. A surgical screw up, lead to pills, lead to my friend suggesting a doctor who is now in jail, and may he rot there. I worked as a supervisor for The Department of Homeland Security, and was living with my boyfriend. I had to not only fix my problems, but others too (or so I then thought), but I reached that point I wanted to stop being yanked out of my life to fix my brothers terrible choices.
Why tell you this? My brother got addicted after he told his wife he cheated. I begged him not to do that if he wasn’t going to do it again, and to not destroy all of us who love him. He did. She divorced him, and took everything. Then he dated my best friend after the rebound after I begged him not too. He did. Months later, he told me he and my best friend were planning to take all her opiates and kill themselves. She was seeing a second doctor to get extra, and said I should too. I reported it (I was looking to get better not worse), and he was furious.
I told him I would not stand at his funeral, kneel down to his son and daughter and tell them why daddy didn’t love them enough to stay.
I spent $100,000 making sure the kids had safe schools, a safe car, a safe neighborhood. Worked extra jobs, and stayed up every night his wife was at work rocking them to sleep. Still, he would overspend and expect me to save him. It was never enough. I fixed problem after problem for him until I finally said I want a sane, sober life of my own. That I felt all drugs were a roulette wheel, and I could feel 00, house wins coming up for me. So I said no. Yet still, I thought I could fix him.
You can’t fix people who won’t help themselves, but they can be the albatross that drowns you. I am finally free of the ex who stole pills, tried to stab me, almost choked me to death, and faked suicide because he knew I thought it was my fault because they told me, and I couldn’t stop it. If you’re thinking you could, watch Golden Gate suicide survivors on you tube. The gist? “The minute I let go I knew I threw my life away.”
Many of you are the type people love to say, “A great person, do anything, give you the shirt off their back” I now look at it this way. How many shirts can you give away? Because sooner or later you’ll be topless on a stripper pole to buy more shirts (and I am 36, so no one wants to see that!). The people who take those shirts are what you must examine. Will they run to you to give it back, or better still, hold you to keep you warm? How many people are walking with 20 or more of your shirts and don’t give a damn if you’re cold?
Love is Symbiotic, not Parasitic. Stop Monday morning quarterbacking. Ignore the sick ghouls with fake grief, and dying to know every sick detail you suffered finding your big brother, your hero dead. I lost my brother, the kids I raised more than he did, his wife who I’ve known since age 5 & was like my sister. Today I’m sober, safe from my psycho stalker ex, and have a great relationship growing with my sister (we see no in-law anymore), niece, nephew and my parents.
Get PTSD therapy, It started with an army Dr. who noticed she could stop her flashback by moving her eyes up and side to side like a windshield wiper on high. It moves that image from the amygdala (fight, flight or freeze) to general storage. The images will get easier to push away. You’ll feel more good than bad memories with each passing day.
Stop focusing on the dumbest thing your loved one did, and get back the joy you feel talking about the funny times with friends and family. Life is for the living, and your lost loved one is still there. Write them a note about how angry you are. I repeat a favorite Pearl Jam song, and eventually he writes back. Call it God, Subconscious or imagining whatever your heart or mind believes and trust. You will feel you got more answers than any note they were too broken to write.
My son didn’t leave a note. He was 38. However, it was not totally unexpected. He suffered from depression for many years and was an alcoholic. He was also jobless and broke at the time of his death. In addition, he had a DUI and no car or drivers license. Put it all together and one can immediately see that his death was a suicide. His mom didn’t want to believe it, but I knew it was a suicide. The autopsy confirmed this beyond all doubt. At first, I was disappointed that he left no note. But, now, I realize that it wouldn’t have given me any comfort. My heart goes out to all who have lost a loved one in this manner. I believe it is worse than a natural death, i.e., more tragic.
Bill T.,
I’m very sorry for your loss. It’s devastating to have a child die. If you haven’t already, please take a look at resources that are available for people who have had a loved one die by suicide. Various supports are available.
Thanks for sharing here.
I’m so very sorry for your loss. It reminded me that was almost my exact circumstances and the thought had certainly crossed my mind. I was 38 and just divorced after having been married for 18 years. This has nothing to do with the story just a side note. We never had children. We made that decision before we were married and we traveled the world together instead. But after my divorce I moved from Florida to be closer to my family members. In about 3 years I had lost my job. My car was repossessed because I borrowed money to pay my light bill and buy food. And suddenly I was being evicted unable to pay my rent. I really thought suicide was the answer. I gave it thought and was very close. When out of the blue my brother who didn’t have the room asked me to move in with his pregnant wife and 9 year old son. Who by the way I had to sleep on my nephews bottom bunk bed . My sister in-law gave birth to my twin neices. I was able to sell personal belongings. I bought an old used car from a school teacher for $700 and paid for six months of car insurance. I landed a job as a local newspaper delivery driver and suddenly my fate changed. I moved out to my own place and my circle improved with more pay and a better job. The thought I’d never be seeing my neices now seems like the most absurd thought looking back now. I’m so glad that god u chose to save me. But if I had carried out my plan a note would have been the furthest thing from my mind.
How sad, life is like one big boxing match, some can go it all the rounds.
My brother committed suicide on Valentine’s Day this year. He was my best friend and we used to tell eachother everything. He had told me about suicidal thoughts and attempts in the past but I never ever thought I would lose him.
He tried to find a girlfriend who would love him for him. Someone who loved a beer as much as he did. But they never stuck around long they were always the wrong match.
He wanted to have kids and a family. He just never found anyone permanent.
The people he spoke to that day say he was fine, there were absolutely no warning signs.
He went quiet for a couple of days and the girl he spoke to every day become really worried about why he hadn’t messaged or called. She rang his boss and asked if he came to work – they said no and it was out of character for him.
He hung himself in the shed, by apparently jumping off a bin after drinking 14 beers. Although the roof was very low and he was very tall it didn’t make any sense to me when I stood there in the shed where he had died. Right where his body would have been…
The bin lid was broken… this keeps me awake at night. It’s like he fell through the bin and wouldn’t have been able to get out if he changed his mind.
It was just so strange because he is a very organised person, but his door was open,he’d washed and hung out his clothes and left the computer on. If he was planning on doing this why would he have done those things?
There was no note. No goodbye…
What mostly bothers me is the fact that I haven’t cried yet. I feel so bad because I love my brother more than anyone, not only was he my best mate but he was my very first best mate. He taught me so much and was a massive part of my life. Yet I can’t cry about it.
I miss him, I talk to him when I’m alone sometimes. I think about him every day. But am I happy for him because he is where he wanted to be? Or am I broken? Or am I just trying to be brave without realising?It’s so confusing.
It’s just been 6 months.
I couldn’t even cry at his funeral ?
Ryan, my youngest brother hung himself on March 24, 2018. Everything in the way you describe the situation with your brother’s passing is eerily identical to my brother. He had clothes laid out on his bed, his laptop was open and he was in an active message with his girlfriend (on again, off again girlfriend), TV was on, food was in the microwave, and everything else seemed normal. He never let on how depressed he must have been, although our whole family knew that he was at least a little depressed. No one thought it would ever lead to this, though.
He left no notes or clues as to why he would do this.
I also have found myself standing in the doorway, leaning against the actual door that he was leaning against when he hung himself in the living room doorway. I just lean there, stare at the pictures of our family on the wall directly across from there, knowing that the last things that he saw in this life was his family. I don’t know if that is supposed to make me feel better, knowing that at least he had a positive memory as he died, or if I should be mad at him for being able to follow through with it with the reminder of his loving family staring right at him. It’s a mystery that I’ll never have the answer to.
He had to consciously lift his feet off of the ground in order to hang himself. I can’t wrap my head around that. How could anyone do that without putting their feet down when they ran out of breath? The unknown mental pain that he must have been going through had to be that great that he wanted it gone so much…to be able to follow through with it.
I haven’t really cried much at all either. I was, and am, indescribably sad about it – just haven’t cried like a “normal” person would/should, and I feel guilty for not crying about it. I do think about him MANY times every day, and really miss just hanging out with him. We would sit on my back porch, have a few beers, and play guitar and sing. He was a musician like me. It was one of the many bonds (besides just our DNA) that we shared. Something that set us apart from our other two brothers. I’ll never understand why he did it.
I don’t mind talking to people about it if it comes up in conversation, but I never bring it up…except when I read something like this that reminds me so much of what my family is going through.
I truly understand. My brother was 5 years older. My mom was 1/2 bulldozer mom 1/2 helicopter before it was fashionable. I called her a helladozer. We only had each other. He taught me to read 5 years ahead, play guitar, and write stories together. He would wake me up to sneak downstairs to watch movies. He bought me a pocket TV just because I was grounded and he knew I was dying to see the Yankees vs. Red Socks World Series, and I only got to leave the house until 18 with him, or be home at 3 pm. We were isolated at home, riding our bikes in circles in the driveway.
I’m sure your experiences are different, but more different interests than a different relationship.
When you grow up with a sibling that you are so close you feel like twins, and it feels like half your heart has been ripped out. Please go for PTSD and EMDR therapy. I wasted 13 years of my life asking why didn’t I FIX IT?!! His laptop was out, so did he write a note, or did someone delete it? My mom finally shouted, “Darn it Laurie if anyone tried with your brother it was you! You tried and tried. Nothing could stop him. Please look up Golden Gate bridge jumps. You’ll find survivors vastly say, “as soon as I let go, I knew I’d made the worst choice of my life”
My ex wanted to keep my chronic pain handy for pills he was addicted to far more than me. I stopped caring after my brothers suicide and my best friend a month later. To abuse without leaving a bruise, he decided how much medicine I got each day, and wouldn’t tell me how much. I didn’t care unless I pissed him off, then I’d feel weeks of hell until I caved to say he was right. He used fake suicide because he knew I blamed myself.
I’m the last sibling of three. I have to stay for my parents to do what he couldn’t or wouldn’t. I also couldn’t take the pain, so I got dumb and made myself numb, just like my ex wanted. These are all Ripple effects suicides can unintentionally cause. Don’t let it drown you. Because while then I felt I HAD to stay, now I WANT to stay to make my parents life the best it can be. They’ve suffered enough.
Instead of demanding an impossible answer of what he might have written (a game that leads to blame, shame and hellish pain), write a letter to him!! Tell him how angry, hurt lonely and confused you are about his choice or choices to leave. I swear to you he writes back. Writing was our great love, and I feel him answer the way he would have.
Call it God, Subconscious, Bull Spit, or Imagination, it’s all the same. When you’re that bonded with your sibling you need to know why. You won’t get it all, but I feel I got most of what he would have said. Play the song both of you loved singing on repeat. It helps me feel that connection. Please check out EMDR as well. You can’t totally erase the pain of his choice, but the memory will slow down. Your brain will curve around that one nightmare to the happy times, the best times, the memories I know you want back. It’s not in a letter, it is in YOU.
It’s as close as we get to getting our loved ones back. He lives on in your clearly powerful love for him, and courageous spirit for fighting the pain instead of spreading it like suicide does. Don’t let this pain take your life too, because he wouldn’t want that.
Just so you can hear it from someone who HAS been there, I am so sorry for your loss. Sometimes we fix problems for people we love. Problem is, THEY don’t learn how. They come to you, again and again. If you said no, I can’t shoulder it anymore like I did, and that’s OK. It has to be, because looking back in anger won’t fix it. Don’t Monday morning quarterback yourself.
All you can do is be the best person you can be in this life until your time comes. Because if their is a God (not CHURCH a God or many), I know he did his time in hell, and his hell is coming. My mom and I talk about it. How when she gets to Heaven he’ll get an earful until I can join my family and tag in on kicking his butt for hurting us!! After we cry and hug him and tell him how happy we are to have him back.
Be kind to yourself. It is not our place to know why. It is our darkest hours that teach us to raise our eyes to the sun when it breaks cloud cover. It is coming, that sunshine in your heart.
. My life is happier than I ever dreamed it could be. If I can help, let me know. You are not alone. The candid nature of your story alone says to me you’re not a victim, or survivor.
YOU ARE A WARRIOR!
You’ve faced the worse pain imaginable. You are here right now asking for help, and offering it to others. Listen, don’t hear, see, don’t look and the best memories WILL come back. Talk to him verbally, typing or screaming. Whatever it takes because he denied you that chance to say how you feel. The tears will come when you feel him reaching back. Please just try it. Fight for a great life after too much pain. Questions will drown as surely as an anchor around your neck.
Wow.
How powerful are words?! You really did help.
I’d love to talk to you some more if I can. How do I contact you?
Thank you for taking the time to write back to me.
My younger brother committed suicide in our parents home in January of 2006. My older sister was the first one to find out than she started calling our other siblings. We drove out to their home that night and got there close to 1:00 am. By the time we got there my parents were alone in the house and the coroner had already taken his body and my parents said the police was there and they left. The house had a lot of damage to walls doors windows and the back door had been kicked. They said my brother did that days prior. My parents said he was addicted to meth and he was on drugs all the time. He became violent. My sister and I than had the coroner do blood tests to see what he was on when he hung himself? The test showed that he had no drugs or medication of any kind. They only found a very small amount of alcohol in his system. About .02 BAC. The person that went to my parents’ car with the police was some kind of professional therapist or something like that said that after she told them they were arguing by the car. My parents said there was no note or letter. Somethings just seem very odd. My parents also said that my brother got into an argument with our older brother and my older brother beat up my younger brother. They said my my older brother left on Monday. My younger brother hung himself on Saturday. The police didn’t really do anything. They just assumed that he hung himself. One of my sisters said that our dad told her that he had something to tell her. Later when she asked our dad what he wanted to tell her he said nothing. It just all seems so strange to me. I would really appreciate some input. Thank you and God bless you
Rose,
I’m so sorry for your loss. It sounds like you are doubting whether your younger brother died by suicide. This is one of the added agonies of losing someone to suicide. Many people experience disbelief and a desire to believe that it’s not true, because of the feelings that suicide can engender in its survivors.
Many suicide loss survivors experience tremendous, usually undeserved, guilt. Others try to hide the fact that their family member ended their own life.
I have no idea whether your brother really died by suicide or not, but it might be helpful for me to provide some facts we know about suicide. Suicide is underreported, not overreported. In your case, you question the lack of drugs in your brother’s system at the time of his death. But if someone has developed a pattern of drug abuse or addiction, it would not be surprising that they would become agitated and suicidal when they can’t obtain the drug. It also might be helpful for you to know that the majority of people who die by suicide do not leave a note; see my most Unwritten Goodbyes: When There is No Suicide Note.
I wonder if you have considered a support group or other resources for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. You can find a list of resources at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#survivors.
Thank you for sharing here. I suspect many other people have experienced similar doubts about a loved one whose death is reported as a suicide. Your sharing here can help others to not feel so alone.
Right now im going through a real hard time of figuring out this feeling that i feel in my heart. Its like its killing me slowly ive lost all my close friends growing up and when my fiance passed away 3 years ago i was with her. But now when i think about it my whole life ive always felt this way my family was torn apart when i was five and i did my best to try and get my parents back but i failed. To make it worse my relatives made it a joke i cant escape the fact knowing i could have been so much than what i am right now if only i had my parents. Ive been a broken person for a long time i just did my best not to think about it. Ive been robbed of childhood and family as i grew older i pushed everyone way because they dont care so should I. Suicide has been in back of my mind lately i have no one to talk to about this its just this feeling it hurts ive read a lot of books about it but it still doesnt go away and dont get me started on god from my evidence in life he plays favorites. L know at anytime i can do it but i know im waiting for that one last let down however if anyone knows what this feeling is and how to get rid of it please let me know i dont wish to do this but i cant take this anymore and no other option. The only thing good in my life right now is my school ill be getting by business degree in 4 months but that doesnt change how i feel.
Hi. I know this feeling all to well. I think I have felt suicidal since I was a small child or at least some form of depression. My thoughts when I was younger were less suicidal and more of me just wishing I was dead or that I wouldn’t wake up. I remember when I was about 7 years old, I went to the same school as my cousins. Their mom would give them money (.85) to catch the bus home but my mom wouldn’t. I don’t know if she didn’t have it or if she just didn’t give it to me. In the morning my mom would take me to school and she would always say “I hope you never come back.” Meanwhile, my teacher was always talking to us about “stranger danger”. Officer friendly would also come on Friday’s and we would get a whole speech on being safe from strangers, drugs, or just crossing the street etc.
Sometimes my cousins would use their bus money and buy candy from the candy lady or the store and would walk to my grandmas house with me. I was often searched in the store because I came in with them and never bought anything. I felt humiliated and worthless but also helpless. One day, I decided to ask my cousin to buy me something (I had never asked before) and he said no. I decided to leave them in the store and walk to my grandmas by myself so I could tell that they were buying candy instead of catching the bus and get them in trouble so I wouldn’t have to stop there anymore. As I made my way to a cross street where there was a stop sign, a car pulled in the intersection and the door opened. There were two men in the car and the passenger said to me, “come on little girl. We’ll take you home.” I stood frozen and surprise. My thoughts of officer friendly immediately came to my mind. As the man partially got out of the car to reach towards me I turned and ran as fast as I could back to the store screaming, “FIRE!FIRE!, just as officer friendly had taught us. As I reached the front of the store a woman opened her arms and embraced me. She hugged me so tight and asked what the men had said to me. I cried so hard in her arms but I didn’t tell her that they had tried to take me, because in that moment that she embraced me I immediately thought of my mother’s words ( I hope you never come back). My fear of those men immediately turned into guilt and fear of what my mom would do if she knew I had ruined an opportunity to never return. I was so frightened of my moms reaction if she would have ever found out that I had blown my abduction and possible murder. For years I carried so much guilt that I didn’t go with those men, it nearly felt like my missed opportunity to be free from so many years of hurt and pain.
So, when I tell you I completely understand your feelings, know that I truly do. Everyday is a struggle for me and I beg God for a dignified end to my life each night. When I see the sun in the morning and my husband lying there, I feel that same guilt that I felt as a child. I apologize to my husband for him ever meeting me and I ask God to take me without someone being traumatized finding me with my brains blown out. Literally the only reason I’m here is because I don’t want anyone to see the mess but I also want to be cremated or buried relatively quickly. I think cremation would be best and I always tell my husband to place my aches on the street on a really rainy day. I would like to be accompanied by the rainbow I used to see in the water as a kid as my remains just kinda float away and dissolve in no particular form or place.
PLEASE feel better and know that I’m fighting everyday to stay alive with you.
Im a 42 year old male going through a very painful divorce.I don’t get to see or talk to my 4 year old daughter.I was not an abusive husband or father I just made some bad choices.I have had my world snatched out from under me.I have made a decision to end my life.I was lied on cheated out of my child.I dont know if my wife deserves a note saying good bye.I just know that the way I feel I would not want to leave a note,because I have so much pain and anger that I’d only cause more pain so im taking it all to the grave with me
Erick – Please seek help. Be there for your daughter in the future. You may think that she is only 4 years old so it won’t matter, but she’ll grow up and wonder at why you left her. Your life matters.
Think about what you’d leave behind. Your daughter is so young. My husband died by suicide 10 years ago our children have never got over it. We all exist with an edge of sadness. It’s a life changer… more so than death by illness or by natural causes. The sense of loss overwhelming. All of these years later two of my children are in therapy and are quite volatile. I tried so hard when it happened to get them help. They were 12, twins 15 and eldest 17. There wasn’t anything available in our area. Your little girl may be only 4 but she’ll still be impacted if you did. So I implore you to get help.
Please don’t Eric… ?
Right now I want to kill myself. I’ve been thinking about it for some time. It takes a lot of courage and unbearable emptiness and pain to get to this point and to actually do it. People who do finally just do it, in my opinion are heroic. I’m a coward, but I do want to get up the nerve and do it. Why? I don’t know about the people you all have lost, but for me, I want to die because I am lonely. I have no one. I am always rejected, shunned, and hated in every social situation. I am a single parent, and now that my daughter is grown, she has no time for me. She is in her 20s and I know this is normal and usually gets better after 30, but with my luck, she will reject me forever, just like everyone does. I just don’t care anymore. I am sick of the pain. I told my daughter that I wanted to die and she called the police. By law they had to take me to the hospital. It kinda ruined the less than shitty day I had wanted to have…alone of course. I am so pathetic. Always alone. It’s made me a little crazy. I am going mad with loneliness. In July I had surgery. I really needed someone. Not once did my daughter call to see how I was. I could have been dead and no one would have known. When I express my pain to her, and it was a last resort to tell anyone I want to die, she calls the authorities to take care of me. Wow. That hurts. No one would even notice that I am dead, so why all of a sudden, do people want to save my life? As for leaving a note…it just seems like a courtesy the world does not deserve. An acquaintance once said to me, that people who don’t go through with killing themselves always end up expressing relief that they didn’t. Well, I never heard of a suicide who was sorry that they did kill themselves. Trust me when I say that the pain you feel as a “survivor” of SOMEONE ELSE’S SUICIDE is nothing compared to the pain, anguish, and despair that got them to that moment. But, I am not a socially successful person. There is nothing in my life worth living for. I have nothing and no one to look forward to. I wake alone. I spend my days drowning in loneliness. I go to bed alone. And life grinds on. I am sick of it. I am not just depressed for no reason. I am depressed because my life sucks. No one will notice. My daughter will get over it.
Try to talk to your daughter one more time. I was also distant from my parents when i was 20, but now i finally understand how important family is. Your daughter loves you for sure. Also you need qualified help to deal with depression. Everything can change and WILL change, just dont give up, please..
I feel the same way. I’m married and I have 2 children (17 & 18). They are both done with school and living their own life. I know my son loves me just as I know my daughter hates me. My husband hates that he ever met me. When I was a little girl I was sexually abused. My abusers would do things to try and make me feel special or tell me that I was special. As a kid I thought that my purpose was to let men have sex with me and that’s how I would get love. I didn’t know another kid that wanted to be a prostitute or porn star when they grew up, but I did. Once I was in my teens I slept with anyone that asked me to. I thought if I pleased them enough they would fall in love with me. As you can imagine, I had absolutely no limits as to what I would do for just a hint of affection. I would often ask the men to say they loved me during the acts. I would try my best to hold on to the feeling of being wanted or loved or even liked. As soon as it was over the feeling would go away and I would be so crushed all over again. Sometimes I would have sex with upward of 5 men pet day trying to capture this feeling. As I grew older I accepted that love was not an option for me and I began just having sex to please my urges and living my life. Not long after I met my husband. I thought that God had finally answered my prayers. I wish I could say that I now feel loved or cared for, but I don’t. I never get angry or upset because my husband and my kids don’t really love me. I knew a long time ago that I would never be loved, I just kept a little hope . My days are very repetitive but I find comfort in knowing that death is inevitable. I know some day will be my last and my pain will all end. The only reason I stay alive is because I really don’t want anyone to be traumatized by finding my body. I don’t know what life has in store for me but sometimes I wish I could be a kid again and at least feel wanted for something, even if it is the most vile act a person could endure. I often regret telling on my father because he was removed from my life completely. Some may think it’s crazy to regret “doing the right thing”. Sometimes what may be right for one person is not right for all of us. Despite what my father did he was the only person to ever seem to love me.
I hope you have changed your mind I’ve been right there but after nearly 20 years of marriage we never had children so you have a very important reason to stay you will never meet your grandchildren. Had I Done It I would never have gotten to know my twin neice’s that are now 12 years old and I love them more than anything.
“Only rarely, if ever, can words on paper make the illogic of suicide logical.”
What’s so illogic about suicide? Sure, I also don’t regard it as sensible to commit suicide because of e.g. a breakup. But there are people who have been suffering for years or even decades despite medical treatment and e.g. psychotherapy. Why is it illogic to try to commit suicide in such a case? Or in a case where somebody has a disease that leads to death and only more pain anyway? The only good reason I have is the risk of failing in committing suicide, which can lead to intellectual and physical disability. But it doesn’t make suicide attempts illogical, only very dangerous. OK, there is a second good reason for people who have children, namely not to leave them alone. But not all people have children (fortunately).
I lost my partner to suicide in 2014. We had recently split up after I’d discovered he’d had an affair. He left behind four children, two of whom were ours. They were 5 and 18 months old. I have since rebuilt my life, with a new partner and we have a daughter together. My children are happy and I am happy. But, I’ve never been able to get my head around the absence of a suicide note. No sorry, no last words for his beautiful babies. I am glad I stumbled upon this article, because even three years on, the pain bubbles to the surface and those unanswered questions start ringing in my ears. I am happy. But I will never get over the suicide of my ex. I will live the rest of my life with unanswered questions.
it’s been 14yrs as of this last Dec 17th 2017 that my 13yr old brother took his life. I was 18 at the time. There was never any note in my case either and not a day in those 14yrs have I not thought about why? or why didn’t he leave me a note or a clue we were best friends and siblings he always told me everything and I told him everything as well & as I wish i could say with time it goes away or gets better it doesn’t. I live with the questions everyday and will til I die I guess. only comfort is knowing it DOES get easier to accept and read as much info on the subject as u can because the more knowledge u have on the matter the better equipped u are to navigating through your emotions as they will take u on a rollercoaster ride. I’m sorry for your kids and your loss. I hope you find a way to not just exist and start LIVING once again without feelings of guilt.
My boyfriend of 10 years just took his life without any warning signs on 8/10/17. Just last weekend he made a statement “I think too highly of myself to do that.” I’m so lost and confused to why he would make that statement and then use a firearm to end his life. I ask so many questions of why didn’t he take me with him, why didn’t he warn me, why in the house to let me find him, why did he feel this was his only option and why no note? It is hard to never see/hear the words “I love you” from your loved one. I have contemplated suicide myself bc I don’t know how to live without him or how to get the last image of him out of my head. But I keep telling myself to give it another day. Although I have so many ppl reaching out, I feel like they will soon leave and I still feel hollow. A lot of people do not know how it happened and what I went through bc I feel ashamed. When I do tell some people the first question I get is if there were any signs and when I say no they are puzzled and I feel guilty for not seeing those signs. However, I have had one women not ask me how I am doing but instead ask if I am eating, drinking, sleeping and reaches out daily and at times multiple times a day. My aunt is letting me stay at her home and I see the pain she is going through with his death and the pain she feels for me. I see the pain my cousin is going through bc it was his friend and he was the one who cleaned up the mess left behind bc they leave it all as they only take the body. I can’t believe he did the clean up for me just so I didn’t have too see it again. So I come to realize I am loved. It may only be by 1, 2 or 3 ppl but I can’t imagine putting them through the feeling I am going through which is why I am able to write this. No one should have to feel the way I do. So I continue, one day at a time.
Jenn,
I am so sorry for your loss, and for the very traumatic way in which it happened and your discovery of his body.
You describe very well the tremendous pain you’re in, the feelings of shame, and the support you’re getting it. I thank you for sharing. You may not realize this, but I think your words will save some lives. Recently someone posted a comment saying he was going to kill himself until he read a comment here from someone who lost her husband to suicide, and he put himself in his wife’s shoes and decided not to act. Your testament to the pain will do the same for many others, I think.
I can understand how you experience feelings of inadequacy when people ask you if there were any signs and seem surprised when you say no. This is why I dislike the suicide prevention messages that say “Suicide is 100% preventable.” That implicitly blames the people who “failed” to prevent it. In reality, suicide often is preventable, but it’s hard to prevent what we don’t know about. And even when we know that someone is suicidal, there are still many things, sadly, that can challenge our ability to stop suicide from happening.
It’s great that you are reaching out to others. I hope you will check out the resources listed on this site for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. There are support groups, both in person and on line, that might be of help to you.
There also are many good books out there for people who have lost someone to suicide. A couple particularly good ones (among many) are Touched by Suicide: Hope and Healing After Loss, and No Time to Say Goodbye: Surviving the Suicide of a Loved One.
Wishing for hope and healing for you!
I love you through ur words so YOU r loved far more than u can imagine❤️
My beloved 19 yr old nephew hung himself this past thanksgiving eve. My sis and her husband found him
I am baffled at how they can go on as there are days I am baffled that I am here on earth. But I do know there is a plan and I do not have the ‘gray matter’ to begin to understand all this. Our Jack was loved and accepted by his parents and all
We want him back
Yet we would take him all over again for 19 years, if that was our destinies
So yes jenn I love you truly love you and will pray for our peace. U stick around for awhile u r needed here by many so don’t go?love
Carrie
I was seriously thinking about leaving this place. I’ve lost everything and almost everyone in my life. I’m barely holding on to my wife of 18yrs and my 3 daughters. I’ve gotten so low that dying felt like a viable option and one that I feel everyone wants. Me to go away permanently. I feel everyone laughing at my pain. I only feel seething contempt for me coming from people I thought cared about me. They hate me. I felt no love anymore. I felt alone. Until I came across this blog. I read the views of a woman, probably not unlike my wife, that had lost her husband to suicide. The things she said. They rang true to me. I moved outside of myself for a minute and put my wife and kids in her place. So many unanswered questions. So much pain. She wanted to read a letter she never got just to read the words “I love you” one more time. That hurt to picture my wife alone just wanting to hear a piece of crap like me tell her I love her. This pain I was about to deliver to my family. It’s selfish and even though I suffer a lot, if it takes me to carry my pain, to save those girls just 1 minute of pain, I will carry it forever. I’d like to thank whoever put this up. You very well may have saved my life. I’ve decided to get the help I need. The help my wife has been begging me to get for years. I believe her now when she says she loves me. Sometimes it just takes the right words to make a person see things a little different. I apologize for the rant. Just wanted to thank whoever put those words up and possibly changed my life forever. A life I was considering ending soon. I will never look at suicide as an option again. I will always think of these words I read today. Thank you all and I wish you well.
I’m glad you’re still alive.
Your girls need you ❤️
Hi 4 now just call me damaged satellite,
From the day i was born i encountered problems i turned blue & would
in fact b dead if my mum hadn’t screamed out 2 the nurses..
At 5 i was cycling with stabilisers & hit bi a car on my street!
At 10 i was in the cubs & was playin a game where u hop on one
leg arms folded tryin to knock other player dwn alas i lost
my balance & all u could hear was a loud cracking noise which was my
left leg breaking of course no one told me as it would make it worse and it did.
So as u can c through out my existence i’ve had it pretty easy no?
Each obstacle thats stood in my way i’ve always bounced back y i don’t no i
wish i did but each time it gets harder tryin 2 find your weak spots i
suppose i mean theres no other way of putting it!
Look im sorry its taking so long and i’ve a lot more to add & i mean alot more,
to b honest im thinking u r all gonna say im lying, faker, attention seeker etc..
but what would i gain bi it if it was tru? Fuk all thats what.
i can’t talk to my Friends as they wouldn’t b able to handle it + been there done that im never really heard, i cry bi self when alone in fact
while im typing this out my eyes r filling up as the one person i would/could run to
is no longer here taking in 2015 while i’m left here with no 1 to turn or talk we all have one MY BEST-FRIEND!
with out one of those your life as u know it Ends there’s no manual on how to deal
with such a massive loss left on ya own what happens next??
The name is Julian Gonzalez. Been in foster care since I was 3. I’m 23 now and just finally got to live with my mom and brother along with my girlfriend. So much tragedy. I’m here because I’ve been sick with this feeling since I can ever remember. I just needed to have proof of some kind of letter out there in the world to explain my life story. I’ve gone to 32 different foster homes in which all of them are the same. have the same intent. The money and if not that then to just have control over a person. They lie, steal, rape, and beat and the tactic is the child’s family or fear if the child had lost hope in their family. Honestly, the only hero in my life had passed away in 2007. He risked his life for you all. My grandfather. WHen he passed, all hope was lost and a reasonable part of me died with him. I’ve tried everything. So much so to where people think the advice I give them makes me sound like a hypocrite. We can have similar events in our past lives or even current ones, does not mean all advice that would most commonly work for the norms does not mean it would work for the whole world. I had gotten my pups nearly killed right in front of me for some one else’s irresponsibility to take a hold of their own dog and a day before that I had gotten my phone stolen with pics of people who are no longer with us. I had just gotten that back and everything is gone out that phone. A week before that was an incident a friend of mine nearly got us all in with some gang member. Going back years into my past, there’s just too much to be said and yet could hurt someone who had hurt me but doesn’t now for now i’m older. I treasure all life but mine. I never asked to be here. The hand we are dealt in this world people just expect you to just try to deal with it. But why? I liked being in the dark, knowing everything but yet nothing. I enjoyed having no worries. I feel lost and have been. Heres a key thing for those who want to live. Life is nothing more but the word game. If you know how to feel through a persons vibe, you will always have an idea of what they want and or need. those two things will get you whatever you want. Never did me though because what i want the word game cant give me, and thats an innocent way out of here or a check point to restart from but the check point of my choice. People have always told me to write my shit down but the time I have to do that is the time I want to just not feel nothing more but myself. I have always helped people even if they burned me. I have hope the this world but yet losing it because everyday is a constant reminder that this world is just coming to an end if we dont before it does. This life is meant to be over but should me meant for those who want it, not for those who just want to be left in peace.
Hi,
People have love to you, but they have limited love, because they are just human. Once you understand this and accept their imperfection, you will feel released rather than full of bitter. I have lived half of my life already, and my husband left me and my kid, because he lack of hope in life, and probably lack of love in life as well, he lack of security. I cannot comment he is right or wrong, but I just know I chose to live, to support my kid, rather than to die, not because I am richer than him, not because I receive more love than him, not because I am stronger than him, but it is my choice. As human, each individual could not chose how their life begin or even how their life end, but they can chose how they proceed their lives. I chose to live and live healthily and happily, and live honestly and proudly, even though I am just a very normal person without any special strength. You can make your healthy choice too! Do not argue you have been damaged in the foster home, do not excuse your family do not treat you well. You need and you can clean up your life, and carry on a new life. If the relationship is really unhealthy, you can keep some distance with those who have bad impact on you, even though they are your family members. You also need to find a job, make money to support yourself, to be independent and responsible for you life is the baseline, which is the foundation for your desire of healthy life. Take good care of yourself, physically and mindset wise. Do not deny yourself, do not hate others. Look at the beautiful flower and the sunny world, taste the healthy food and enjoy a good sleep, tell yourself you just need to do good job and support your current day, do not worry future and money too much. Life carry on. Do not wait for other’s love too much, but be willing to give out your healthy love. Truly believe you can survive, not just so, truly believe you do not lack of anything, you are fully capable to live a healthy life, and you will have some good friends, even some good partner. Remember, when you do not have them yet, you still live good healthy life, because they are not your foundation. A good healthy minded you, is your foundation. Hang on there, and life will reward you for your healthy living attitude and your good consistent effort.
My husband lost that chance to live healthily and happily. If he knew he could live happily and healthily, what would be a big difference. He just misunderstood this world, and he just underestimated himself. I mean, when we seriously deny ourselves, and chose to die, our brain is not that healthy anymore. Human did terrible thing or stupid thing, just because they are sick. None of us are 100% healthy, by the way. We need to pull back our spirit, and train our brain to think healthily again. Turn yourself back, and chose to live again, and live healthily and happily, be a proud person, discover the beauty of this world, the beauty of life, the beauty of yourself. Do you know, that every individual person has his/her own beauty? Blessings, with my true heart.
SG,
Your comment is so packed full of wisdom that I hope many, many people read it.
I’m sorry about the loss of your husband, and I admire your resilience. Thank you for sharing here.
Im going into the 10th grade after this summer. I have no friends and want to die. I feel ashamed and spoiled for wanting to die for the reason stated. If I left a note everybody would shame me for being so dramatic. I feel like a wuss for wanting to die for the reason stated after hearing what a lot of people went though which caused their suicide or what a lot of people overcame. It makes my problem seem little and I feel ashamed leading me to want to die even more. Everybody says suicide is a solution to a temporary problem but this isn’t gonna get better. I sat my entire freshman year saying no more than 10 words a day waiting for it to get better. Waiting for someone to want to talk to me. Any friend I tried to make dismissed me and didn’t bother speaking to me after a couple of generic sentences were spoken. I cannot tell you how painful it was waiting everyday thinking it would get better like people said it would. I waited until the last day. Even waited on the last bus ride home of the school year. Nobody said goodbye to me on the last day. Nobody even considered looking my direction. I failed a couple classes so now I’ve blown my chance at a bright future. I’m sick of waiting.
“help,”
Please, please talk to an adult about how you’re feeling. If it’s not your parents, please talk to your physician, or a teacher, or a coach, or someone at your church, synagogue, or mosque (if you go to a place of worship), or a neighbor, or another family member — or whoever else can help you to get help and to not feel so alone and uncared for.
It hurts terribly to not have friends. We humans are social animals, and isolation hurts. This is not a “little” problem. It causes you real pain and I hope you will get help for it.
You can also talk to folks at the textline (text 741-741) or the national lifeline (call 800.273.8255) or other places listed on the Resources page at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
Can I talk to you? Email me at ianpradipa@gmail.com
Hey. I’m a loner too, who has never been able to communicate. If you wanna talk about things, just write to me: jweli.lamp@gmail.com. I can’t offer counseling, but maybe just a chat to keep us distracted from shit, at least for a while.
My 17 yr old daughter committed suicide June 12, 2017— Her and I were in the season of “I hate mom”, her father (ex-husband) supported that season in a uncaring way. She was staying at her grandparents when she passed. (ex-in
laws). The grandparents had received a text of concern from a friend saying our daughter was planning suicide. (they never told me this…. they didn’t take it serious, thought it was for attention, thought I would overreact) She shot her self with a loaded unlocked gun at their house. She left a note for EVERYONE but me…. because of the season we were in, I am heartbroken… did she hate me so much, she didn’t want to leave me with anything? What does this mean?
TJ,
I am so sorry for your loss. It is difficult to comprehend the depth of pain and grief you must be experiencing. I can’t answer your questions about your daughter’s feelings for you and the meaning of her having left no note. Probably nobody can. But it does sound like you recognize that the “I hate Mom” season comes to many adolescents, and it passes. Sadly, in your case, your daughter died too soon.
I hope that you will seek out support. In the U.S., you can text the Crisis Text Line at 741741 or call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255 (TALK).
Also please check out the resources on this site for people who have lost a loved one to suicide. In particular, if you are in the U.S., I recommend the survivor outreach program of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention.
Again, I hope you get good help and support, whether from professionals, friends, family, or all of the above!
I am so sorry for your loss. I cannot even imagine what you must be feeling right now, and I sincerely wish I could take your pain away. Just know that your daughter lashed out at you BECAUSE SHE WAS SURE OF YOUR LOVE AND WAS TESTING THE LIMITS OF THE ONE LOVE SHE KNEW WAS ETERNAL: YOUR LOVE. It’s what teens do. It wasn’t your fault or anything you did. And, she loved you back. Trust me. She just needed some proper teen lashing-out time. Her suicide had nothing to do with you. Sadly, your ex exploited what is a normal conflict experienced by most mothers and daughters for his own selfish ends and because he is a lesser man. Pitting children against the woman who rejected them or to whom they pay child support is what lesser men do. Do not doubt her love for you. She never doubted your love for her.
One of my relative wants to die she was a victim of harassment and she really think about it. I feel hopeless and powerless I can do anything to help her.she sees a psy but I don’t see any improvement. I want some advices.
That is so hard to witness. I have a few pieces of advice:
Continue to offer her love, acceptance, and support. You are probably doing this already – and you are probably doing it a lot. Keep it up.
Give her the link to the Resources page here in case she wants to reach out to someone, especially late at night.
Take care of yourself, too. Loving someone who is suicidal can make you feel terribly powerless and hopeless, as you note. Paradoxically, recognizing your limitations can free you up to be more present with her. Reading this post might help: “You Can’t Do Everything”: Limitations in Helping a Suicidal Person.
I want to die so much
I’m sorry. It’s such a painful way to feel. I hope you will consider calling, texting, or emailing one of the places listed on the Resources page.
This pain seems never ending. In fact the more effort I put into trying to resolve it, the worse it seems to get. I’ve lost people before, and have known the pain involved with such, but this is different. In those moments there were memories to look back on, the reality that life ends sooner or later to reflect upon, people who were also grieving to gather support from. This however, this pain is so much worse. I’ve lost hope, not just in my situation, but in the future to come. I have a son and I don’t want to leave him behind, he’s my legacy. On the other hand I can’t help but feel plagued by worry that I will only corrupt him. I’ve torn down everything that means anything to me in this life. Why should I believe this will be any different? I can honestly say that I have only one friend who gives a damn about my well being, but in a few months time he’ll be deployed over seas. I can’t expect him to hold his life and his own success back for the sake of my well being, I won’t ask him to. Once he’s gone though, there will be nothing. I’ve lost my family, both the one which bears my name, and the one I pieced together with a woman I thought loved me. By the 12th I’ll be homeless, nowhere to go, and no aspirations to do anything besides steep in my misery at this point. Everything has gone black. There is no hope. Not in myself, not in the world, not in the people I thought would be by my side through it all. All I can think of now is how to do it painlessly, how and what to write for my son. I hate to think of him knowing his dad was too weak, that I wasn’t strong enough to pull myself out of this, but I can’t, I’ve tried so hard already. This will be my second attempt, and it will be my last. Life will continue to go on without me.
JF,
I’m sorry that pain and hopelessness have engulfed you. I’m sorry that you’re losing your home and your friend. I’m sorry you’re estranged from your families. Any one of these is deeply painful. Are you receiving any kind of help? I hope you will reach out and let people help you. To start, you can check out the places on the Resources page where you can talk with someone by phone, text, email, or online chat. I hope that someone out there will be able to help.
People talk like suicide is a tragedy when it really isn’t. A teenager with their whole life ahead of them killing themselves is a tragedy, sure.
But a 45 year old like me, who suffers from severe social anxiety, doesn’t have any friends or close family members and probably would be living out of his car if not for his wife… what’s the tragedy in that? If I was going to become something in life or pull myself out, I would have done it by now. Telling me otherwise is just being patronizing. I know my situation damn well, and so do most of the other older people posting here.
There are two things that keep me here:
1. A lot of suicides fail, even gun suicides, and leave the person making the attempt maimed or disabled. That scares me. People say suicide is cowardly. Myself, I think it takes a lot of courage to perform a serious attempt.
2. I’ve got a 2 year old son and he’s closer to me than anyone else.
I suspect I’ll lose my allure to my son once he gets older, and can honestly compare me to other adults. My in-laws will point that stuff out to him if he doesn’t figure it out himself. Once that happens I know it will be time to go. I’ve got what I think is a pretty good method worked out.
A lot of you posting here – you get it. All this ‘God loves you’ and ‘Don’t do it’… they’re just knee jerk responses from people who haven’t been here. In truth, much better people than me have killed themselves, and the world will move on just fine – with or without me.
Paul, I feel exactly the same as you, the only difference is my children are 23 and 17. Every day to stay here is a struggle and I’m not going to pretend it gets easier, I have to stay alive for my children, the love I have have for them is still greater than the need for it to to just stop. Your son is still so young, please try to live just one more day at a time.
Mother of 3 young children. I’m such a waste of life. I have nothing. My kids don’t care if I die, a husband who tells me to die.
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Sarah,
Please get help. It’s impossible that any young children wouldn’t care if their mom dies. That’s just not how humans are wired. And it’s awful that your husband tells you to die. What your husband – and your own mind – tells you is verbally abusive.
Again, please get help. If you’re in the U.S., you can call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800.273.8255. There’s also the National Domestic Violence Hotline, 800.799.7233. Both hotlines area available 24/7 and offer services by chat, too. And you can get help from the Crisis Text Line at 741-741.
If you’re not in the U.S., or if you just want to know what other resources are available, please look here.
Help is available, Sarah. Please let someone help you.
Hi Sarah,
As you can tell I’m not Mr. Positive and I’m pretty sure what my cause of death is going to be in the end. But it sounds to me like your husband is the one who needs to clean up his act, not you. No-one has any business telling their spouse to ‘just die’. That’s not something that is said in any normal marriage, and you don’t deserve that kind of treatment.
I’m not going to tell you, ‘God Loves You’, and don’t do it. But I will say that considering suicide because of an abusive person in your life (even if you’re not aware it is abuse), is an awful thing.
I had mentally and emotionally abusive parents. I might not be in the same position as you, but I do understand, very well, what that kind of abuse feels like and how damaging it is. It’s probably why I eventually ended up here.
Please live and grow. Live and grow just to make him eat his words. My childhood abuse became a great motivator for me as a young adult.
I’m not much of a person. Not many accomplishments. Not much to be proud of. But I know that my son loves me, even when he sometimes doesn’t want Daddy. Young kids might just be parroting what they hear. They don’t know the significance of what they are saying or what it would do to them.
If you like, write back and we can exchange info. I’d like to talk to you.
Hi there Paul, i just read your reply to Sarah for the 2nd of oct……..Wow! after reading it I thought how can anyone that reaches out to write something as humble and caring as that believe they are not worth much and achieved little. I think you underestimate what a good person you are. After that you should not believe you have no purpose. Life’s tragedies and pain can enable us to help others. Thinking of others and reaching out when our own pain feels like it is crushing us is truly honourable. Well done you for taking the time to help someone else. I believe what we all need to do is be kinder to each other and ourselves. Sarah if someone tells you that you are not worthy then 1. someone that says that to another has their own issues. 2. just because someone says it, it doesn’t make it true. Be kinder to yourselves.
Charlie – Just letting you know that whenever I come here to read a new comment, I see what you wrote and it cheers me up. Thanks a lot for taking the time to write that. Even months later, it has a positive effect 🙂
Paul, your son does need you. As for your in-laws, there are counselors who work with families. Start with that. Just try it. Couldn’t hurt.
No Comment – I brought my wife to one of my sessions to talk about exactly that. Without going into much detail, my in-laws are intractable, toxic people, live very close by, and have a lot of influence over my wife. This influence only became apparent after we’d been married for several years and she’d gotten pregnant. In an ordinary setting I would simply have left, but I can’t abandon my son. Also at this point I have no money and no recent work history which is the same position a lot of unhappy moms find themselves to be in.
Since my life literally depends on keeping the in-laws away from me, I’ve dug in and forced them to back off, at least for now. But after several years of clinical depression, I don’t know how much of ‘me’ is actually around anymore even if I do recover. 10 years ago I considered myself to be happier than most people. I can’t ever see myself being like that again.
I do think I’ve done a pretty good job at hiding that from my son. That is one thing to be positive about.
Anyway, my belief is that once you’ve hit a certain depth of depression, it permanently changes you. You can get somewhat better, but there’s a part of you which never comes back from that. IMO that’s why people who attempt suicide are more likely to try it again later on.
Hey Paul I hope you get to read this, you seem like a level headed person.
I’ve made a comment on a different forum making many of the same points you’ve made. It’s patronizing to call it a disease, some people have actually just had extremely shitty lives. Me for example partly from my own decisions and partly just plain bad luck. But I don’t condone anyone committing suicide on a whim, especially young people with so much potential for change and new experiences. While I’m not quite in my 40’s, I’m not young anymore. And my problems aren’t recent, temporary, criminal or drug related. I’m in a very stable frame of mind.
Fortunately I haven’t burdened anyone with being their father or husband. I’ve made sure to distance myself from any possible new relationships especially recently, I’m not the kind of person to invite someone onto a sinking ship to make me feel better.
I haven’t made the decision quite yet or sure if I’m even capable enough. Only things I need to see to before I make that decision are my parents, I know my mother is very fragile emotionally and I’m staying with them now to take care of my father. So I couldn’t put her through being around when it happens. But soon she will move out of the country close to her family who she sorely misses, and we will have set up some care there for my father who is in a severely handicapped state.
I’ve had the same hangups when thinking about suicide. Many suicides do fail and I’m not sure I have the courage to do it quickly and violently with a gun without flinching. And maybe ending up in a condition where i have no control over my body let alone how to end my life. I’d have to look into getting a DNR in case something does go wrong.
I’m still not sure whether or not I’d leave a note explaining anything. I’d almost certainly leave instructions on accounts that need to be closed, and people or places that need to be notified; just to save my sister and parents the time and effort so they can better move on and put it behind them without being bothered by someone.
But any small notes or comments for friends or family feel like platitudes when written out. They feel cheap and honestly pathetic. Anyone close enough will have their guesses regardless of what I write, everyone will be just fine. So I was considering leaving no explanation at all or something short and also mentioning I do not want any funeral.
Reading these comments from people who have experienced a loved one committing suicide has answered a few of my questions but not all. I only post this to give people some insight into the mind of someone who has seriously considered it.
John,
I hope you’re well. Despite being so young, I’ve been through enough to last a lifetime.
I find myself in a situation very similar to yours. A sinking ship. A father in another country. A mother with her own agenda and a younger son in a city quite a distance from here. Recently, they have been calling me often because of the holiday, because they became aware that I was spending it alone. I tend not to respond. I have been thinking about suicide daily since June. I don’t think I would leave a note of any kind, there isn’t much I’d be leaving behind, there aren’t any explanations.
I’ve had so much time to think about this.
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Hi John,
Your mom plays the same role for you that your son does for me, it sounds like. Regardless how how the rest of my life is going, I can at least win small victories there and feel good about the help and the life I’m providing him. Hopefully your interactions with your parents are the same.
With me, it’s very well known that I’m severely depressed and have been on meds for a while. It almost feels sometimes as though people are expecting me to punch out, watching me from a distance with a morbid fascination… since I’ve been in this state for so long and just sort of drift, a little bit up to where I might be getting better, then some incident or internal mindset sends me back down.
I had a friend once… worked with him for about 8 years. It was clear to most people that he had problems. I remember even saying a couple of times, “He’s going to end up killing himself”.
And you couldn’t help him. He’d seen professionals, and they temporarily helped but didn’t fix the problem. Friends couldn’t talk seriously about the topic with him, because he’d divert it into some black humor. He’d seemed to recognize that in the end it was hopeless. That he wasn’t going to win. I stopped working with him in 2009. He did eventually kill himself in 2016. Everyone was surprised, but then again not really surprised if you know what I mean.
For the last 10 years of his life, my friends moods probably drifted in and out of some really dark places just like mine do now. Stepping out of myself, I clearly see that I’m now ‘that guy’ and people have the same impression of me that they once did of him.
I’ve thought about things like notes. But I agree that there’s no point. All they’re going to do is sound bitter, or perhaps be misinterpreted. All I’d want is for my son to know the kind of person I was, and that I tried my best for him. And the only possible way I can get that message across is to still be around when he’s old enough to remember everything, and show those things to him myself.
Kind of weird that pragmatism is what is keeping me around. But being a positive part of my sons upbringing, being in some of his good memories… that’s something that I have to do and I can only accomplish that if I’m still around and still sane.
My mother committed suicide almost three years ago, and I am still not over it. I always thought we have the perfect family. I know I had a blissful childhood with two of the most wonderful parents that any child could wish for. She had, evidently, suffered with depression most of her life. Her mother, my grandmother, had mental illness as well and ended up dying from alzheimers at 81. I always thought my mother and my family had everything. We all did well financially. We were all self employed which, by the way, does not come without stress. We all had nice homes on the lake. We lived very comfortable lives. Since her passing, it has amazed me how some people fight so hard to live and some fight so hard to die. I have seen many family members fight so hard to battle illnesse like cancer. Some survived…some did not. My mother evidently had mental illness (depression) which is a much harder disease to understand. My preacher told me when she passed, “Depression is just like cancer, heart disease or any other disease. If you’ve got it bad enough sooner or later it will kill you.” That statement has really helped me with accepting my mother’s suicide. I have not been able to be mad at her because I love her too much to be mad at her. I know what a sensitive, caring person she was, and I don’t believe she did it to hurt me or our family. She was a worrier, super sensitive person who did not trust very many people. I believe that life had let her down, and our family, for the most part had everything. I have never held it against anyone who commits suicide. I know life is hard for a lot of people. I just can’t understand my mother doing it. I didn’t think her life was hard enough to warrant doing something like that. Although I will always love her no matter what. I don’t understand how a mother could bring a child into the world only to desert it…especially a child that loved its mother as much as I did. I will be plagued with this question the rest of my life. I know I will never get over this. It has changed my outlook and landscape for the rest of my life.
Anonymous,
I’m very sorry for your loss. Your inner conflict about her death is apparent in your comment – you are accepting and compassionate toward your mom, yet you also ache and question why.
This post might be helpful to you: Is It Selfish to Die in a Tornado? Although you don’t state that her suicide was selfish, the post is relevant in its conceptualization of suicide as something that happens to a person, like a storm – rather than something that the person sets out to choose.
Please also check out the Resources for suicide loss survivors. If you haven’t already joined a support group for people who have lost a loved one to suicide, that might be something to consider.
I wish you the best possible in your process of grieving, healing, and wondering why.
That was a very good article. Thanks for sharing. My mother committed suicide almost 3 years ago, and I still think about her and miss her constantly. She was the love of my life. We always had a wonderful relationship. She did not leave a note which has always perplexed me. She suffered with depression and I now believe, insecurities, all her life which is also hard to understand because she was such a physically beautiful woman both inside and out. This article let me know that a note would probably have not been as comforting as I had hoped, and that maybe some things are better left unsaid because words can hurt and they are never forgotten especially if they are hurtful.
Anonymous,
You’re welcome. I appreciate your note. I’m very sorry about the loss of your mother, which I also addressed in your other comment above.
What you wrote about a suicide note is very true. Perhaps even worse than no note, some people are left with a hateful note, which must be so very hard to bear. I write about that in the post “Mightier than the Sword”: Healing from a Spiteful Suicide Note.
“Only rarely, if ever, can words on paper make the illogic of suicide logical.”
When everything has been properly assessed, suicide becomes the only logical solution.
As for myself, I’m not leaving a note. Nothing worth saying that hasn’t already been said before.
I’m glad you wrote this comment. Invalidation is often behind suicide and to label it illogical is invalidating, because it isn’t always illogical, and my guess is that it is often logical. Mine has been very carefully thought through.
I’m trying to find the words but they’re hard and seem like platitudes or excuses for my weakness. Thank you for the page though and I hope for some that it changes their decision. Love to all.
Anyone’s life can start out well and due to circumstances progressively gets really off tract either perceptually or literally or both. You’re put into a personal crisis and if you’re alone in it its very difficult to see a way out. Some may have supportive family but the person may not want to share their personal situation for whatever reason. Can a cat really stop a true suicide, maybe, most likely not. If children, a wife or husband, or grandchildren cannot stop a true suicide then a cat ( which I have one and love) will likely not. I think contemplating suicide it may come under consideration and if it changes someone’s thoughts about suicide then that’s great.
What does one do when suicide (DONT JUDGE!) becomes the only bearable choice, but one doesn’t wish to hurt one’S family? They call it ” selfish” &/or cowardice, but really it’s just the opposite! It’s a decision when one is beyond hope or desperation, & the finality is really scary; there’s no ” do over”! Why does this still have such a negative stigma? And- “family “- instead of judging or being angry, why not actually really explore why this person you claim to love, is in SO much pain & anguish that they now feel this is the only way to stop all the pain & suffering? If you really care & “love” someone so much as you claim, then express so much more empathy, & make yourself available NOW, w/o judgment, B4 it’s too late, & you’re standing there left wondering why? What could “I” have done differently to help? DONT wait! Don’t judge; you really don’t know the pain another is going through! There comes a time in a person’s life where they really are just done, & don’t want or have the strength/coping skills to make it one more minute! If you are a loved one or friend (ha), then actually make the time to listen, to share, to empathize without judging! No one is perfect, & one never knows what’s around the bend. “In a NY minute, the wolf is always at the door. One day they’re here; next day they’re gone.” Be there, really listen, & for heaven’s sake, STOP being so arrogant as to judge the depth of another’s pain! Being nice should reach far beyond what’s taught in kindergarten!! That Golden Rule still applies-apply it already, before it is really too late! And never, ever wait to tell someone how important they are or how much they’re valued, respected, and loved! Everyone wants/needs that! Don’t wait – wishing you had more time, or the ” if onlys….!
Someone you know is in that pain and mindframe right now! Think about it & remember, there won’t be any do-overs! Tell the people you love & care about exactly why they matter! Tell them what difference being in your life means & why!!!! Thank you. – written from someone on this edge right now ( & for a long while already, making plans).- Anonymous
I remember reading once a father saying after his his 18 year old daughter jumped to her death “Obviously she didn’t realize how much this would affect her family”. I thought geez how about saying ” I didn’t realize my daughter was in so much pain”. His statement really bothered me and it seemed so narcissistic to me.
Sometimes I think I’ve painted myself in a corner I can’t get out of. Then the next day I think, well, if I painted myself into this corner I should be able to get myself out of it too. Feelings vary day to day and are fleeting not permanent. If I live my life in reaction to my feelings at the time its really chaotic and unpredictable. Children’s behaviors are feeling based.
i understand it completly. murder suicide violence.some people are left with no other alternative, driven to despair and left with no other option.
I want to commit suicide so badly but don’t know what would happen to my cat. 🙁
I’ve spoken with many suicidal people over the years for whom their cat or other pet was their sole reason for staying alive. And what a powerful reason! They do not want their cat to end up in a shelter or, worse, killed.
I’ve also spoken with people for whom their love for their cat extended to other cats, as well. They rescue cats or volunteer at shelters, and these activities sustain them even through their suffering. It’s not for everybody, but it definitely works for some.
I love cats. I once saw a cartoon of cats being poured out of a bottle, and the bottle was labeled “antidepressants.” Pets don’t cure depression, but they certainly can make depression more bearable.
That said, sometimes people’s minds turn their pets into agents of their depression. “I don’t care enough for my pets.” “My pets deserve better than me.” And so on. The same can happen with parents in terms of their kids. In those cases, I hope people realize they need not believe their thoughts, and I hope they get help, whether from friends, family, or professionals.
Have you tried to get help? The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is a good place to start. 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). 24/7.
I wish the best for you … and your cat!
There’s a fine line in life and some are fortunate to never be near it or experience the feelings it projects. Some people who cross this line have well established coping skills and are able to bounce back or see the options available to them. However, sadly, some people who are near this line or cross it either don’t have or have exhausted their coping skills and do not see options anymore. Rational or irrational to others, for them, it’s the way to end their extremely personal situation.
Consider yourself lucky that you are too simple minded to understand suicide, even at the most rudimentary level. Just keep “wondering” and asking, because you will never get it.
I was one of those people dumped after 25 years of marriage and am now 58 unable to find employment, no income, no retirement, no family support. Its very devastating to go from being secure to having nothing. Although I do try to make light of my situation there is really nothing funny about it. As far as finding a man to solve my problems its the last thing I want. My ex husband led a secret life for 25 yrs during my whole marriage. When I discovered it after 25 yrs of marriage he changed the locks on our home of 18 yrs, where I raised my children and I lived in a hotel for 5 months during the divorce, alone. My mother lived a mile away and no one called me during those 5 months. Looking back, in retrospect, my ex husband is a sociopath. A really really bad one. They wear a mask and when I discovered his secret life, it fell off and the real monster was revealed. I can brush my own teeth.
Why is it that women are never there for other women? I have no support network either.
I came across this site and I am planning suicide.After 11 1/2 years of marriage my husband wants a divorce.We do not have kids , but I do not make enough money to live out on my own.My parents won’t help and honestly don’t care.Once this is finalized I will be homeless living out of my car because there is no affordable housing where I live.There’s nothing else to go on for.
this is a common problem that does not really warrant suicide, there are guys out there that would take you in as you are and love you and care for you, so please find one of those guys, hey you might find him parked in a parking lot brushing your teeth, hey a little humor is what you need
Please don’t give up. As bad as things may seem, what you need to know is that sometimes when we are at our lowest point, what we don’t realize is that you are exactly where you need to be, this is supposed to make you stronger, can you imagine if you fought through this, great things came your way? Better things than you’ve ever had or experienced before. Start by making positive changes no matter how small-eat well, & start working out. & BTW your husband can NOT kick you out onto the street. In fact he can leave, & pay you alimony to help support you. Maybe you are meant to start a small business online from home, maybe you are crafty & can sell things on Etsy? Life is not always going to be this bad. I think what you need is a lot of support.Try reading uplifting articles & movies & ignore the negative ones. watch THE SECRET. It is an amazing “movie” FREE online on youtube. Please really watch it. It can change your life. In order to change your life, you must first change your thoughts. Once you start feeling more positive you will attract more positive people in your life. My 71 year old dad committed suicide 2 years ago & i found his body. The trauma it left me was overwhelming. I am still recovering. You have no idea how much it will affect those around you. Mend yourself, BE selfish-but in a GOOD way. If you need to chat more let me know. In the meantime google The secret.
There is always hope & a brighter day is ahead !! You were not created to just take up space and for life to be hard!! I encourage you to seek help, talk to professionals. What you are dealing with now is hard and hurtful but time heals and you never know what amazing things could happen tomorrow next week or a year from now!!!! Please call the suicide help line! Love from Canada! God has a plan for your life!!
In divorce you are entitled to 50% of everything. Get yourself an attorney and enjoy his pain as you take what is yours by rights.
Sadly most people, unless they have suffered it themselves, cannot understand the pain which leads someone to consider ending their life. I have been there and still struggle at times. I have PTSD and at times my brain just seems to collapse and I can’t function. My coping skills have been poor and self destructive and I feel guilty for the choices I’ve made to deal with it. I have to work daily at forgiving myself and everyday try to focus on the good and not the bad. I try not to spend too much time in my head because it can get pretty dark and so I work everyday to keep busy doing things and going places. I have to force myself at times and afterwards I always feel better. Mother Teresa said suffering can be a gift if we use it to help other people. I try to help others when the opportunity crosses my path.
YES I KNOW THE FEELING AT TIMES LIFE IS UNBEARABLE. I WASTED MY LIFE AS I WANTED TO SING AN PLAY GUITAR LIKE MY FATHER DID. IM 68 yrs old who’s gonna listen to an old man play an SING. This dawned on me WHEN I BOUGHT A FINE MARTIN GUITAR FEW MINTHS AGO AN TRYING ALL OVER TO LEARN CHIRDS THAT MY STIFF FINGERS CANT DO ANYMORE. PEOPLE REALIZE WERE NOT TRYING TO HURT ANYBODY WERE TRYING TO ESCAPE THE PAIN OF NOT BEING WHAT WE ONCE WERE. AN WAKE UP EACH MORNING ALONE NO ONE TO TALK TO AN DEPRESSION SQUEEZES ALL THE LIFE OUT OF MY BODY. ITS A PAIN SO DEEP YOU CAN NEVER BRING IT TO THE SURFACE AN LET IT OUT. IT MAKES MY WHOLE BEING ACHE SO BAD AT TIMES I THINK WHY NOT THE HURT WILL STOP. AN THE SURVIVORS WILL HEAL AN GET OVER IT IN TIME. THE HOPELESSNESS HELPLESSNESS IS SO HEAVY IT CAN CRUSH YOUR SPIRIT THAT YOU CANT IMITATE BEING A HUMAN BEING AN DRAGS EVERYONE AROUND ME DOWN THEY THINK IM HAVING A PITY PARTY. THEY ARE WRONG IVE GOT A TERRIBLE PAIN SO BAD IT HURTS TO WAKE UP AN START ANOTHER DAY FOR THEY ALL FEEL THE SAME. MY DEPRESSION FEELS LIKE I JUST WOKE UP BUT THE FEELING NEVER LIFTS OFF AN THE PRESSURE WRAPS AROUND ME SO TIGHT I WANT TO SCREAM LET PEOPLE LEAVE ME ALONE STOP ASKING WHATS WRONG.
‘Your fingers may be stiff, but you will inspire. MT “The Mozart Theory” coined by Lucrecia Sarita Russo. Do you truly believe all you’ve added to your soul including music via stiff fingers dissappears when you change your clothes. Of course not…What you must realize and TRUST is this…your dreams may take a bit longer to accomplish than the average life time of your well worn suit. Now pick up that guitar darn it, and play what you can. And for those so called critics, let’s pray they listen from the heart and soul, cause if they be’in not to, our Lord’s gonna Twitter, #reborntwentyfivethousandgrasshoppersmiddlewinterNofiddle.’ Lucrecia Sarita Russo
PLEASE CLICK THIS LINK, it has resources for Domestic Violence help internationally. If you do nothing else, try to find one more day to ask for help, it is out there.
http://www.ncdsv.org/ncd_linkswominternational.html
Hi, I’m 54, and I’m from Europe, from a small Balkan country, so forgive me, please, if my English is not perfect.
I have a mother, a husband and two grown-up children. I’m well educated (university degree), still work (from home), I earn an income that my husband takes away the moment it got on my bank account. My children also have university diplomas, and they both left country to find a better life. With my blessing. There is nothing here for them. They rarely call me, but that’s understandable. That’s how I taught them. I think that I’ve always known that I’ll end my life this way. First my father’s beatings, and some things he did to me – you don’t do that to your daughter. My mother knew, but never tried to protect me. She pretended that nothing wrong was going on. She still does. Selfish to the end. I’ve never even tried to talk to her about it. She is happy the way she is, she is 77 now, and sometimes I think that she just didn’t know any better. My father died 15 yrs ago. I felt only immense relief.
I was 22 when I got married. We were married for two weeks when he slapped me for the first time. I could not go back to my parents. I had no income in those days. He was threatening me with this and that if I left him. And I was afraid – he is 8 yrs older than me, and I was scared to death from him. So I did not dare to leave him (nor did I have anywhere to go). Crisis was slowly but surely taking over the country. I gave birth to one child, few years later to another. God, how I love them. I’ve loved them from the moment I felt them in my womb. They were my life. Literally. Second time I had to have a C-section. But not because something was wrong with my pregnancy or anything. No. It had to be done because I had broken ribs. From severe beating. I was nine months pregnant, and I had broken ribs. How my baby survived that, I still don’t know. God saved him, I think. He’s a fine young man now.
But I taught both my children to turn a blind eye when their father abused me, physically and mentally. I repeatedly told them that my life was my choice, I made it, I told them to love their father because he is their father – and to be honest, he really was (is) much better to them, than to me.
Choice. In truth, I had no choice. There was war going on. Even refugees did not always got the chance to leave the country. The rest of us did not have a chance at all.
So, to make a long story a little shorter, It’s been 34 yrs since I got married. I’m still regularly all black and blue, with leg or arm in cast from time to time, more often than not I have broken bone which mends without a cast, I sent my children away – but I prepared them for this. They know. And I know that they will be hurting, but they will feel relief, at last. They won’t have to worry about me any more, nor they will have to feel like they have some obligation towards me. Because they have not. Finally I have a choice. And I’ll act as I feel I should. I chose how and when I will die. It’s only hours away now, but I’m happy. For the first time in many, many years. I had no say in how will I live, but I got to decide how and when will I die. And that is a beautiful feeling.
This is the only note – well, a letter – that I’m leaving. My kids know everything, they know I love them with all my heart, and that I have to go, because I’m too tired to continue. My husband will not ask himself „why“. He’ll probably tell people that I was „crazy“, or something. I really do not care. There is not one person, one phone number to call. I am completely alone. My mother? She is too self-absorbed, too egocentric to be really hurt. It’s hard to believe, but after 54 yrs of being her daughter, believe me, I know. She did not give me even 54 minutes of her time, not even when I needed her desperately. Now I don’t need her, I need only to close my eyes and go to sleep.
I pray a lot – I’ve always have. I think that God wants me to do this. And my soul is so tired, and it hurts so bad. You can patch everything, broken skin, broken bones, bruises fade eventually, but the soul… I don’t know. Maybe there are those who know how. I don’t.
Thank you for reading this.
I hope you find peace in whatever you choose to do. I found your words to be brave, life may have been out of your control but at least you took control by choosing how it ends. Soon this will be my action too, you are not alone.
I read your note. I’m really sorry it sounds very very hard. I wish you could have a better life and better people around you.
I hope you didn’t take your life. You’re a kind and wonderful mother and person. One time someone said to me ” The door is open why are you putting up bars?”. I was keeping myself hostage. There are always options even when we think there are none. Its very painful when the people who are suppose to love us the most hurt us. You have suffered too long. Take all the love you gave your children and give it to yourself. Love yourself enough to escape anyway you safely can. You are sooo worth it and you deserve NOT to be abused anymore. I hope you choose life and you are able to leave and find peace.
Hi, please don’t do it! you can move to your children or join any other organization. Please just don’t go! I just lost my husband and I am still grieving. You will leave this fate to your children. Please consider and please, please just don’t go!
Nobody Important: You’re important to me. I hope that you will reconsider. Why not start a new life, near your children? You can know happiness.
If you are still there, try to stop being so strong and tell your kids that you need them. Let them know what happened to you, ask for their love, and maybe choose life.
I hated English in HS and LOVED all my science classes. Poetry well for me was like reading a foreign language I just didnt get it or like it at all. Years ago I worked in an oncology/cancer unit and help people with their diets while they were undergoing chemotherapy. One day a man I had been working with handed me a painting. It was a beautiful oil painting of mountains, trees, sky it was really pretty and framed nicely. I said “I didn’t know you were an artist” and he said ” I’m not, I never painted before in my life” His name was Dale I’ll never forget him. He gave me the painting and I still have it 30 yes later. It survived my house fire totally spotless while most everything else was destroyed. He died in 6 months after he finished chemo. Dale told me before he died he didn’t start painting until he was diagnosed with cancer. He knew his prognosis was poor and said to channel his pain about dying he bought some paint a brush an some canvas and as he painted it released his emotional pain and his paintings were beautiful and were donated to the oncology unit after he died. I just wanted to share this story with everyone.
Yes, we love other people, we love our friends, family, pets. What about self love? We have to love and respect ourselves enough to make constructive choices on a daily basis not destructive ones. Its very easy to get caught up in the negatives when we should focus on what is positive. What we think about is where our feet go. We can choose what we think about and not think about. Feelings come and go they are not permanent. Self love for some of us (including me) doesn’t come naturally so we have to practice it everyday and give ourselves the love and respect we deserve. We have to take really good care of us.
After 53 years of failing at being loved or even liked, I guess I’m finding it harder and harder to see myself as loveable.
My heart aches for everyone who has posted. I hope with support or calling you can get help to choose life. Lisa your posts are so honest and real about how awful this is to a spouse and children its heartbreaking the devastation and trauma this causes. Its so traumatic and painful on so many levels to all family members.
I spend every waking minute thinking about suicide. If it was easy to get a gun here like in the US I would definitely be dead by now. The only thing worse for me would be trying and failing and being found out.
I pray every night for whatever or whoever is out there to let me die in my sleep, or let me find the courage to kill myself. The level of pain I am enduring every day is beyond description and there is literally nothing can be done to stop it.
Dave S. Why do you feel this way? What has happened?? How can I help you?
The only reason i am still alive is because i don’t have a gun and i also want to pay off my debts by december, then i plan to jump from my house roof. I’ve attempted suicide with pills and alcohol thrice,they never work. Don’t know why am even typing to you haha.. anyway. I have prayed countless times to die in my sleep but it doesn’t matter, truth is it’s up to me to make my choice, stay and live a mediocre life that i dont want, or set myself free from the prison of life.. i don’t know what level of pain you feel, but since you’re considering suicide,it must be very tough for you.. no one will probably understand you, they will only be ready to judge you once you decide to end it all. Just know that at least one person in the world hopes that you find peace, whether it be in suicide or a good life, your life, your choice.
Please I just want to know you
Thank you all for your concern. I am so far gone that my sons dont call me anymore and they blame me and when i call them they are so disrespectful they give strangers more respect then me and im not a drug or alcohol addict ive just been depressed for so long that i feel like they are just like would you do it already. Ive tried a few times but it seems God wont let me die for some reason i think to show others how bad it can get so they dont end up like me and im a rape child my father whom i found hates me my Mom loves me but she looks weary she told me that im draining the life out of her tho. My baby sister loves me to death but im draining her too. And no i will never take another medicine for bi-polar again too many side effects that affected me and EST just messed me up even worse. I know that this depression is because im lonely and horney out of my mind and because of the change of seasons and my anxiety has made me isolate. My therapist is nice and tries and usually a talk with her helps but then i go home and i walk back into my depression as im getting undressed and back in bed to nothingness again i know you guys feel like you have to say a magic statement that guilts me back into deciding to exist again but i cant go on like this. I cant work because SSI told me if i work im at risk of losing my benefits all i can do is sit in this bed. If i do go to work im afraid of committing another murder because i cant take being picked on. I cant do like some people and just go to work from day to day waiting for the day they retire and ignoring the boss or employees who pick with me i have a problem with snapping and everything goes dark and when i come up out of it im in prison for what my body did. There no day groups here in darlington sc like i had in baltimore but i had to move because of my last blackout landing me in prison and losing everything and ending up homeless and when the 3 years were up that i could sign up for section 8 again it was a 10 year waiting list so i had to come here because its faster. Im just all messed up in the head but i was doing great when me and my husband found each other. I do good owning my own business but since the nervous breakdown that ended up causing me to lose everything theres nothing to live for i tried God knows i did but i just cannot live the rest of my life on 733 a month and still have to let men use me cheaply to make ends meet. Believe me if you were in my body and you only know a 3rd of my woes you would’ve been done it i was strong to go this long. The depression is killing me any how i can feel my heart about to give up but its likely it’ll drag on with complications and doctors appointments they said i had high blood pressure last year then i started drinking at least 2 waters a week and it went away but now i forget to drink water again so its back but its taking too long to do the deed i cant keep going like this but thanks anyway
Talk to your doctor about epilepsy drugs for your bi-polar disorder. It will even you out without turning you into a zombie. Lomatrogine and Lamictal are anti-convulsants that work on people with bi-polar. I’m bipolar. We can emotionally drain the people around us. So, give them a try and see how they might improve your interpersonal relationships.
Thank you, it is a waking death. It is the most sensely preventable act. We look like we are alive but inside lives an excruicating pain that makes everything, even the mundane almost unbearable. If you leave children, it is even worse. As I sit staring at my kids who no longer smile, my heart aches as does theirs. There is a number at the top right corner of this page, use it. Talk to someone. Any decision is the better decision.
The number that Lisa refers to is 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). It is the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, in North America, and people are available to talk with you any time, any day. If you are not in the U.S., to get help you can call emergency services in your area or go to a hospital emergency room. If you want to reach out to others in a less formal setting, please check out some of the resources at https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp
There are many people who care about you! I hope you will get help soon.
I’m at a point where suicide enters my mind daily and know that it is best. I am isolated and it was my own doing. I’m 59 unemployed and just tired. i let everyone down throughout my life. I abused alcohol and ruined my marriage and family – I stopped drinking but I still am haunted. I’ve thought of suicide when I was a teenager and it’s always there and now I pushed everyone away so that I can be alone and let everything go. The only thing that makes me pause is my son who has depression like myself but he hasn’t spoken to me in 2 years and I worry that he will not find happiness. I have no contact with family and I realized that when I die, it will go unnoticed. I could be dead for weeks and nobody would know or really care. I know that by dying I will give them peace of mind. I just want the depression and loneliness to stop. Leaving a note won’t bring any relief – all I think about is how to make it look like an accident
Yesterday we buried my dear friends 18 year old son. He hung himself 4days ago. He was at home with his devastated parents just outside the door. He left no note.
This child had everything to live for. A bright future, loving incredible parents, extended family most of us can only dream of. Friends, good grades. He had even made plans for the following weekend.
His parents did everything right. They were there.., every game, every celebration, every bump in the road.
So what happened? The why’s are what are killing my friend.
I don’t know how to help her or what to say because as a parent I wonder the same thing. Why??!!
It’s such a permanent solution to a temporary pain. I’m sure he didn’t mean to cause his mom and dad such unrelenting pain that will last their entire life. A wound that will not heal because they will be reminded of its presence ever Birthday, holiday, joy and sorrow.
How do you comfort or support my friends. What should we do? Everything that people do to help feels so hollow and unhelpful.
If I could say just one thing to people thinking suicide is a option. Think!!! Think about your family, your loved ones. While your pain would be gone their pain and suffering would just be starting.
Please seek help…please don’t inflict this living death on your loved ones.
thank you for this reminder…
Why don’t you cut the crap? Everybody says “it’s mental illness” and here you are spouting some fatuous command to “think.”
Just like your friend’s son’s pain was his own to deal with, now his parents need to deal with theirs. And seeing the way people like you think, I have no doubt that if he had reached out his issues would be downplayed and ultimately dismissed.
LAST COMMENT, YOUR BABIES THAT CAME OUT OF YOU WILL NEVER EVER BE THE SAME, THEIR LIVES WILL FOLLOW YOURS, THIS iS NOT THE ANSWER. STAY.
EVERYTHING CHANGES, EVERYTHING, Please I have responded to every comment you have made, please give yourself time to heal, get therapy, change medication, do anything but this. I am sitting here tears running down my face, I want to show you what these people you do not think care about you, I want to show you what their lives will look like 3-4 months from now. IT IS HORRIFIC. Stop, get help, please chose life.
Trust me, when you are gone all the money in the world won’t make them feel better. Not a penny. I beg you, stay, get help, please think of the kids, they are grieving in their own way now, as are you. Please do not do this and leave them wondering what is so wrong with them that neither parent stayed.
Your pain might stop but your children, their nightmare will be just beginning. My son is on his second week of antidepressant, the others never leave the house, they cry and talk about why dad left them. They ask if I would be sad if they took their life, they are forever changed in such a way that it makes my soul hurt even more than I thought possible. Please, think of them. You do not know how they will react even if your relationship now is horrible, the guilt and self blame they will have will never go away. Please please please, think about me, mother to mother, it is not worth it. It cannot be undone. I worry my kids will take their lives now too. I beg you.
I am thinking you chose LIFE. Please. Get your medication adjusted, call the hotline, stay, life can change in a second, give it a second to change for the better.
I am here to find which is best leave a note or dont leave a note. My husband committed suicide over 10 years ago and he left a note saying ” til death do us part ” my husband was bi-polar and schizophrenic he stop taking his meds and starting having orgies with 2 women prostitutes and picked up using crack he was out of control and i was afraid for me and my 4 year old i had him hospitalized 2 times and after a week they would release him i gave him ultimatums to stop doing what he was doing and i came back 7 times and he would start again the last time he pleaded with me i said no not unless he goes into treatment and stays until together with his doctors we thought he was ready and he didnt want to do that so i changed my number because he kept calling over and over 3 days later it was on the news his Mom got worried and came from DC and had the police let her in and he killed his self the day i last talked to him. They say i shouldnt feel guilty he was selfish all the regular stuff all that stuff dont make the pain go away or bring me back ive been gone since hes been gone ive just been existing and living in a nightmare im bi-polar and was managing well until the ptsd from his death. I dont want my family to go thru what ive endured and if i leave a note it would sound like blame because if my loved ones were more sympathetic i might not be so depressed. So im leaning on no note. What do you guys think
I was searching suicide the tonight and ran across your post. It was interesting, as were many of the comments. So, since I can leave a note, here, anonymously, I thought I’d also comment and, weird as it will sound, maybe ask for some thoughts from those who are planning or have lost someone.
I’m a widower and no longer young. It’s been a number of years since my wife’s death. I withdrew pretty effectively when she died and the only “friendships” I have these days are all (and purposely) fairly superficial – there really is no one that will “morn” when I go – maybe a few “What a shame” conversations – perhaps a couple of businesses that’ll be sad at losing a customer HA HA! – but no tears.
I was interested in particular about what people say in their notes. I can understand how some would choose not to bother – but I’m sort of a talker so I probably will leave a note for folks just so they know I’m gone. One concern I have is in ANY way causing anyone else to do something that they have not really really thought through. Anyway, I’ve worked on a note – well – 2 notes, I guess, because I have one that’s simply some information for whoever accepts the administrative responsibilities when I’m gone – and another which will probably be a FB post – we all communicate that way these days, don’t we?
It’s this second note that I’ll share here … and I am curious how folks will receive it – remembering that those who read it will be, basically, only acquaintances – no life-long friends or love interests or anything like that. I did use the phrase “actual friends” in the note just so those who view our acquaintance as something more than superficial won’t be hurt. I’ve promised myself to hang around till my mom dies – I’m pretty much her only support system these days – but I think we’re getting close to that time now, so I’m planning a bit more seriously. My method is foolproof and will be quick so no worries about being interrupted. I’ll be able to make a final post and be gone within moments.
So – the note…..
I know that, for some family and a couple of actual friends, there are no words sufficient – for others, none necessary … but here’s the deal …. 13 years ago, I watched the person who taught me what love means die – somewhat horrifically. Saying she was the better part of me doesn’t even come close to doing her justice. A lot of who and what I was died that day too. I didn’t handle it very well then and, I guess not surprisingly, I’ve been virtually alone ever since.
Though embarrassing to admit, I’ve achieved neither lasting note nor fortune in life and, being rather older than younger, I seriously doubt there’s any real chance that I ever will … would. Yeah, we all create little echos in this silly world – but they fade soon enough. Those closest probably know that I’ve just been treading water for some time now anyway.
Not really a care-giver by nature, but I was here to help out as dad was dying – and I did my best for mom. Now, my familial responsibilities have been satisfied and I’m just tired of remembering as I watch life go on around me. So, while some of it HAS been fun (thanks), I’m done.
… that’s it – reading over it now, I think it probably sounds like a little pity-party on my part.
huummmm… maybe I should just say something like “Ok y’all – some of it was fun – but I’m done.” … better?
WOW – this note is way longer than I intended HA!
Hi i was on here trying to figure whether leaving a note is better then not leaving one. Your story was touching I’ve chosen my method but i have to wait until the first of the month for my disability check to buy it im in such deep depression and have been for over 10 years my husband committed suicide 2006 and left a note and no matter what people say i cant shake it. I lost myself back then and cant get myself back I’ve lost everything because of my depression been homeless 3 times just the worst time since he died and i just cant live like this anymore.
I think if we count on others for our own validation we will most likely always be disappointed. People including some or most family and friends can be so cold and narcissistic and be unsupportive when we need them the most. It really hurts. Rejection is very painful.
I too was dumped after 25 years of marriage and left in a financial quandary. Not yet able to find employment. Struggling emotionally and financially, feelings of anxiousness, despair, sorrow, all alternating in and out of my daily life. No support, no phone calls, not one of my family members have asked how I’m doing. I’ve been divorced almost 6 years. They are all retired living quite well (really well) and my cupboards are bare and I’m 35K in credit card debt. I lost most of my friends after the divorce. They just disappeared….
When I lost everything life gave me a new perspective. It’s a perspective of what’s real and what’s not. What’s important and what’s not. Who I can trust and who I can’t. Who is worth having a relationship with and who’s not. Life got really primal and clear cut. I don’t waste my time or energy on what I now consider nonsense. I now can see a suffering person a mile away. I try to help anyone who comes across my path in pain, mostly in kindness and words. I give them what I’ve learned and try to share my belief no matter what our circumstances we are still the same person our soul never changes.
I don’t see the world anymore from a materialistic point of view or a ‘ success’ point of view. I see everything much differently mainly the intanglable traits qualities we often take for granted. I know now what real love is, what real caring is, what real kindness is. Who is a real friend and who is real family. I know what is truly genuine and not fake.
Have I written a note(s), yes. Have I researched ways, yes. Would I ever do it, no. I read or was told once ‘ when you lose everything that is when your real life begins.’ For me, this rings true and I’m much wiser and genuinely happier despite my circumstances. I don’t let others define who I am. I know who I am. I’m the same loving and caring person I’ve always been. My soul never changed. Yes, I was pushed (shoved actually) into a ‘hole’ and everyday I climb out and see the birds, pet my cat that bites me and thank God for my life and find joy wherever I can.
You are at the gates of total wisdom dear sir ……..
Sorry so many posts, just reaching as I’m falling, hoping someone will catch me or reach for help so i have a reason to exist…i have always lived to help others and have failed miserably lately and now ALL my reasons to live are dying (mom,dad at same time)or leaving and taking my heart (babygirl) with them :-‘(
I have Failed again. I can’t even get this right. My mom passed on Oct.29th, my dad is now at my home being cared for by my husband and children, can’t even be a good enough daughter to find the strength to handle that right!! We ALSO have custody of our gbaby(Babygirl)now,she is beautiful,my daughter is too selfish to even feed her. My oldest son is devastated now because he came in and stopped my last attempt that landed me in a 30day psysh. Hold…This time I WILL find somewhere to go so my family don’t have to go through the pain of actual discovery…They are ALL DONE with me anyways, the problem is, because I have so far failed, I don’t think they even believe I WILL DO ANYTHING! They will soon agree that I’m one less “issue” (for that is all I am now)they have to deal with. The only thing I’m still waiting for is my dad to go,and I will go with him. Then their lives can be SO MUCH less complicated without the stress of taking care of us!!! They have distanced themselves from me willingly do I know the pain will be minimum. Thanks for taking the time to read. No one reached out for help,so, I really hope that everyone has gotten the help or relief they were looking for! ✌
If you’re still here,or anyone who just needs a hand,i posted a while back,i was ready,i was gone, i FAILED. Email me,there is hope,maybe we can do this together,or just help each other ONE more day or just give each other SOME ONE to say Hello or Goodbye too….NO judgement, ALL my days are questionable, but I’ll try to hang on if you will….. Gordoncrew33@gmail.com ,another 40yr desperate Mom.
Your children will not be able to sleep for weeks, months probably. The guilt that will stay with them last a lifetime. They too might chose to follow your choice. I am sitting next to my 26 year old son who hasn’t spoken a word in weeks, he will be starting antidepressants tomorrow as will I. I am now the soul bread earner and I have a terminal brain tumor as well as relapsing MS. I hope that you will consider those you are leaving behind because I can assure you they will forever consider you. I cannot remember the last time I slept more than 4 hours without waking up crying. You want to die, I get it. But please just consider those you will be leaving behind. Life now is a waking nightmare with sleep bringing little relief. I think I am moving into the anger portion of grief, I want to be sympathetic to what you are going through but all I feel is anger at what appears to be your blatant disregard for those who are in your life now. I feel re-traumatized all over again. Think of those children’s faces when they were little, think of the way they held onto your fingers with their hands. Think of their first words, steps, etc and ask yourself if this is the way you want to leave them. No one knows what happens when you die for sure, even if you are an atheist there is no assurance your children are and their hearts will be forever tortured with the question of where their father may be. I do not know you but as a parent I know the havoc this decision will cause to everyone around you. I will pay for your medication if that is the point, I will work an extra shift just for you. Please, think about it, reply and I will send you my information and I will do whatever I can so that your children and loved ones never go through what I am suffering with now.
Im sorry.
I am touched by what you wrote. And also sympathetic. I myself am on both sides of the issue. And what you wrote about the kids is what has messed me up most. I think about my kids and how this will affect them but my kids seem to blame me also. They dont even call me anymore and when i call them i can hear their despisement in their voice. Its killing me im an empty shell an embarrassment. All my family either try to avoid me or try to make me be like i used to be happy full of life and because year after year i cant snap out of it now they act like my depression is a nuisance to them and they’re tired of hearing it and seeing it in me. I just cant take it anymore. I cant live like this. Years ago i decided to live until my youngest was 18 he will be 19 this month and i want the pain to stop
My husband committed suicide August 15th. He left a few pieces of paper that the medical examiner decided were close enough to a suicide note that she labeled them such. They bring me such pain. There is no blame, no answers, just thoughts and regrets. There has not been one second since he has died that I did not want to go be with him. I cannot fathom the WHY. Note or no note, there will never be a reason good enough for me. If you are reading this and thinking of killing yourself, think of this. There is most probably someone that will miss you and want to die as well. Our scars and pain will never go away. We will blame and question every word, expression, every deed, with the hopes of finding an answer of why you left. We will have a difficult time wanting to be here without you, our suicide risk has now quadrupled. We will be left with more tears than we ever imagined our bodies capable of producing. We will no longer sleep as we did before. We will have a startle effect at anything that reminds us of the day you died, this feels like the world is ending. We will hear a guttural cry only to realize later that it was coming from our mouths and souls. We will be the walking dead. You think it is only your pain you are ending, wrong. You will be bringing all of those that even knew you into that abyss. We will not know up from down, our brains stop functioning for a long time. We lose our sense of self and the world becomes suddenly a very scary dangerous place. We have to tell our children and friends that you did this to yourself and bear the cross of their uncomfortable silence or more common yet, shunning, as if this is contagious. They would be correct, suicide is contagious. You will leave the world yet we will remain broken, bruised, praying for only a second to say something that might have changed your mind. We will live with guilt, that becomes our first name. I say this because it is my reality now. I can’t imagine that any of the platitudes I have heard are true, you may not be in a better place, I may not heal, all of that might really be bullshit. I can say today, it is no easier than yesterday. You are loved, you will be missed, you will have something left undone, this I can promise you. My name is Lisa, think of me before you make the worst decision of your life.
My brother in law committed suicide on February 18, 2016. He was only 24 and left behind a two year old son. I just wanted to say how sorry I am for your loss and to acknowledge how much pain you must be in. I’m sorry this happened to you. I’m grateful for your sharing though. Your words have strength, and I needed to read them today. So, thank you.
I’m riddled with MS, but still working. My mind and memory are going, my body aches, my skin is numb, I can’t run, I can’t do other physical activities. Because my deduction is so large (thanks Obama), I can’t even afford the $65k/yr meds or the $160k stem cell cure. Debts are growing, income shrinking. I’m 49, 2 teens and 2 adult kids and a wife. All I’m looking for is the best way to say goodbye. So understand that some of us out here really, honestly and truly have no choice. I am going to be a burden on those I am supposed to give relief. This is the best I can do to give it.
You are very brave and inspiring.
I am sorry for your loss and appreciate the courage it takes for you to put your thoughts and emotions in this forum.
I’m days away from your husband’s last action, all the components are in place, but there never seems to be a good time to do it. Your writings have given me pause, but in order to soldier on, there needs to be hope. Without it, all the good reasons to stay vaporize for the person without it.
If you could talk to your husband one more time before he left, what would you tell him, if you knew he was contemplating a bad end? I have to admit that right now guilt is my primary driver for not finishing things out. But there are days when it would feel better to go out on my feet, on my own terms, than live life on my knees not in control of any aspect of my life.
I’m grateful for your posts, I’ve read many since finding myself on this path, and yours have made sense and connected with me. Thanks for what you’ve written.
I have come close to committing a few times.
I’ve done the tablet od only to find I have a high tolerance to it and there was little to no effect.
I’ve hung myself with rope off my banister I still remember the feeling. So peaceful for a second then nothing until I awoke on the floor with a bruise around my neck the rope snapped. I’m not sure if I can go ahead with it again. Not out of fear or unknowing but because although I may not be loved by those I want there are still a small amount of people that it would hurt. And I don’t want to cause upset or hurt to anyone even if that means I can have peace within myself.
Maybe if I find a way that doesn’t look like suicide so not to give those select few that care the problems of what if and maybe this.
I don’t want my pain to be passed on i’d ideally like it to come to my grave with me
Don’t do it. I may be a stranger, but you can share with me if it helps. I’ve considered too, and recently lost someone to suicide. Every death causes pain to the survivors.
I don’t know you, but I care.
Hit me up here, if you want/need to.
You are worth my time.
reading all of these stories makes me heartbroken. i am currently the girlfriend of a guy suffering from depression, and it is very hard for both him and me atm. i just hope that every one of the people who are suffering from depression, disorders or anything that can lead to suicidal thoughts can get help. just please dont make the wrong decision
What do you mean, “the wrong decision”? Have you ever considered that sometimes, for some people, living in constant torment is the wrong decision?
I am so much depressed. I’m actually planning to do it after I send my salary to my family this month. I’m ready I want to rest coz I can’t bear the pain so many problems. My heart and head are so much in pain. .
Here’s a tip to why they didnt leave a note (because they thought about it, believe me) THEY DIDNT THINK YOU”D GIVE A SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I totally agree! I have a family that alienated me after a job loss and the depression that followed, so I don’t think a note would be necessary. You’re right, they don’t care and never did!
That’s exactly how I feel..
Well-off men use beautiful women to climb the ladder of success, sometimes they marry them…as in my case.. poor, but a hard worker..they parade em ALL around to make themselves look successful, then tell them, “I will never leave you” stay home and raise my children …clean, cook, soccer practice, cheerleader practice, doctor appointments, room mom, PTA….the list goes on and on..women you know. THEN— you ignore his girlfriends email, coming home at 3 AM, ignore, ignore, ignore- because you know what your in for..he won’t let you work because you are raising his success, aka KIDS!!!, and they need a scholarship- rather, his bragging success to everyone. all while running blind..In his mind, he threw you away 10 years earlier. Your then 50, he makes six in a half figures, hires the best attorney- the one that hit on you years ago while he was coaching little league!! .Then, you are left, unable to get a lawyer, old & unemployed, without health care, hungry and unable to jet a job without any history..if so it is minimum wage..He has 1 Grand in retirement..you get nothing.. because of that old nasty coaching attorney he befriended. And the children butter-up to him because of all the money he dishes out to them, while you’re left to scrape and take care of an aging 80 year dementia mother in the 60 year old home you grew up in.. He lives high on the hog, praying for your suicide so he won’t have to deal with you. .So, Goodbye everybody, I’ve got to go it’s over I’m done.. this is enough,.
I’m too old to unemployed and hungry…Ladies, never believe a sweet-talking Southern man .death will be peaceful and longed for…but scary..
You just told my story aka northern man though
DON’T GIVE HIM THE SATISFACTION!
I tried to post a comment but I’m not sure what happened to it..it vanished. as usual everything in my life screws up…it vanished, as always.
Highway to anything for anyone give up my last dollar however nobody ever cares and I’m reminded me of how much of a loser I am.
Happens to me too,but it just had to be approved first,again someone else judging what i do, but, email me, NO judging… Gordoncrew33@gmail.com….just someone who is the same and DOES care….
So when I die, lead my remains into the fire. So that my soul flies and I reach the end of the line.
The majority of suicides are preventable. The majority of people who successfully attempt suicide achieve their objective mainly because people have stopped caring. Unpalatable, but those are the facts. The funny thing is, I wanted to kill myself to make people I cared about care about me, because I felt it was the only way I could make them perhaps care. I didn’t obviously go through with it, because I guess I was afraid, unsure of what would happen to me. Now I know I will kill myself, and I will find it easier to do so, knowing that nobody does care, and that’s just life. Nobody really gives a shit, if they did, you’d know. Life is a cold, lonely, dark place and thats that. Anyone who tells you any different is a liar, or misinformed at best. What makes it easier is realising that you have nothing to lose, and you won’t be missed. I will disappear on the wind, forever, and thank God for that!
Are you still here? because I feel the same way …but scared of what the afterlife might harm me with.
That’s exactly how I feel. It’s been 14 and a half months. I’ve taken care of every last detail so my death won’t be a burden on anyone. I reached out for help in the beginning, and I tried to get help. It doesn’t stop the pain. And the pain just get worst because once your “secret” of wanting to die is out. Each hour that passes from then on with nobody caring, convinces you, you won’t be missed. If they don’t think or care about you while you’re here, why endure and suffer to save them perceived suffering. It’s just a lie. For me anyway. The few people that care about me, their pain will be temporary and maybe we few sad moments throughout the following years of something that reminded them of good times, but you know when you’re truly alone and death really is the only way to end a never ending pain. My fear or main thought has been to how. I have horded all kinds of pills that technically could kill a horse but my fear is if I don’t die. I know it sounds silly but choosing how to die has been harder than making the decision to die. Once I made that decision, many signs have been given to me over the months that this this is the right choice but it does take time to get your affairs in order if you truly want to be zero burden on anyone else. I’ve spent days writing letters answering questions I think that specific person might ask. I don’t want anyone to hurt. I want them to believe this is the only way for me and to be relieved I’m finally free and at peace. I have a dog I can’t bare to say goodbye to but his arrangements and money for all future bills and needs are set aside. I’ve been planning this for almost a year and a half. Saturday is my 33rd birthday and that will be my last day on earth. I feel anxious but ready. Sad and dissapointed in all that time, nobody thought I was worth fighting for. I was a caring and kind person. Put others above myself and along the way, became invisible. And soon I will be.
Marlyn, there is no afterlife. Hate to break it to you but we are a product of evolution. When you are gone it goes black, no conscience… like a dreamless sleep. You slept for 4.5 billion years once before, did it bother you? Exactly.
It’s like a fire in a building. Do you jump from the fire and take the terrifying fall? Or get burned slowly by life. Sometimes the jump is better. I’m feeling the same way right now. Good to hear some truth on a post of shit.
Hi anyone who reads this. I’m Jess, I’ve been through sexual and physical abuse, I suffer from undiagnosed depression, I’m anorexic in recovery, I’ve been cheated on, engaged and then broken up with, and I want to help. Please, if you are struggling with depression email me. I’m an atheist so if religioun is what your looking for I’m probably not the right person. I understand what it’s like to be scared talking about what your feeling because people just don’t have time for the “drama”. But trust me I just want to try my best to make you feel like your not alone. Because you’re not. Idc who you are or where you come from, life is too special to waste and I care about anyone who is thinking of giving up on themselves. Please just take a chance and email me❤️
Jess
Mudnglitter@gmail.com
I’m so sad to see that I’m not the one struggling with depression. I an thinking about creating a group for only a few people to talk when no one else seems to care.
I’m 19 Year Old..
i’m living alone now because i’v kicked out from home many times…
my family? two sisters and my parents are divorced already.. and since that they never cared about me..
i’m 10.000M away from my country and all my friends left there.. my father also with his new Wife and child..
when moved to USA i realized time and time that i was changing… i never had suicidal feelings there.. and now i’m here 2 years and every minute i’m thinking about ending my life..
i’m asking myself every day why to live? for who or what. all my friends already betrayed to me.. because i’m so jealous…. now i don’t want to contact my family because it takes me to my past shit life. but no matter that minds already stuck in my head and i’m fighting these feelings..
i’m telling myself that everything will be alright and better.. but inside deep i know nothing will be..
i don’t want to talk any professional.. i’m professional of myself and nobody knows how selfish and worst person i’m.. things i’ve done in past killing me every minute… i was hurting my family.. but they never talked to me as i wanted.. and they did same to me..
one of my family member told me that if i’ll die it’ll be expensive for them.. i don’t give this *** anymore..
nothing left to me here in this damn place… i hate people too.. i’m so hard person and i feel guilty that i’m still alive.. when i told my aunt maybe i’ll kill myself she smiled and said that i’m so seolfish and i’ll not do that because i love myself so much..
really? i hate myself.
i’m dreaming what if i meet someone who’ll change me… and someone who’ll accept me. but i know nobody wants me..
i never had lover.. i’m never kissed by girl.. what’s left here for me? god has a plan for me?
i’m going on pills as soon as i’ll get all medics.. i’ll get drunk and i’ll pass out this f*** life..
Please be ok if you want to talk I’m here I just lost my son the day after my birthday.. August 11.. I can’t tell you how much I feel in side and I wish he would have just talked to me I even asked him if he would or was thinking about this and he said I’d never do that..please talk people do care
Anonymous
I’m trapped with memories of this person. Everyday I fight the war inside my mind. You can be taught how to love someone, but no one really teaches you how to stop loving someone. At night it’s worse for me. Thoughts of giving up. My therapist tells me time will heal or to keep busy etc. I’ve even tried meds which at first was totally against it at the beginning, but things have gone really dark for me these past few weeks! So I tried them and the advice of her and others! Nothin seems to work. Even being around my daughter is hard at times because I have triggers of this person! I totally hate myself! I’ve prayed to God to save me from my thoughts. Some days I have good ones but most of my days are hard. I find myself relapsing a lot. I feel comfort in isolation and even death now!
I too think about killing myself most every day, I just need that final push of courage to carry it out. Death seems like a place of rest to me, and that is what I need–rest from the pain and hopelessness that have become a daily experience. I’m so tired.
Don’t do it please think of your family and the ones you love, hang in there.
I Totally Understand Your Situation.. I’m Like You Every Day thinking about that and asking myself live longer for who or what.. in this place nothing left to me..
I too, want to die. But I can’t bring myself to take the plunge. I disgust myself, other people disgust me as well, but I’m not certain if I’m a bigger piece of garbage or they are. I have no joy in my heart and most days I simply want to lock myself up and await death, but the reality of having to make a living for I life that I usually don’t want to be a part of magnifies my anxiety and miserable outlook. I’m not here to tell anyone not to do it or for anyone to tell me if o should or not. I just bottle this stuff so much that I need to let it out of my system now and again, the odd thing is that cowardice is likely keeping me here for now, but I’ll probably be called a coward if I do it… The same ones who will call me a coward are the same ones who shit on me for not having empathy for others, yet they’re incapable of seeing my suffering.
Suicide is not illogical. What is illogical is hanging on and living through unbelievable emotional pain for the sake of others.
That is very true…I have waited for someone to say exactly what you just said for a very long time. Thank u
Hanging on to life for the sake of others is not illogical, it’s both logical and emotional. Caring for those that don’t understand your difficulties is an outstanding triumph. Its similar to a parent caring for a child that is reluctant to appreciate the parents efforts.
Never stop caring no matter how difficult the circumstance. Be the bigger person and live on. Never stop searching for bliss, wether it be for you or people you care about.
Some of you comment on hanging on because of the damage and scars we will leave for those who love us…
I have been hanging on for those reasons alone and it is eating away at me that I live to make others’ lives easier, to give comfort to other people, to make other people smile… At what point do you choose yourself over other people? At what point is it acceptable to be selfish rather than selfless?
Please be selfish and seek out help. Suicide creates more problems than it resolves. You obviously have people who love and appreciate you.
I agree with you I try already when I found out my wife had started seeing someone she was at the hospital when I came out of my coma she told me she loved me and kissed me and was hugging little did I know she put a order of protection so I could not come home and she has him staying in my home I son hates me I got to stay in my apartment off the grage do you think they care how what there putting me though we been together 18 years are anniversary is in 5 days I ask here to not have him in my house but she still rubbing it in I text her and told her I can’t live like this that if she didn’t get him out of my house I was going to hang my self on our anniversary do you know I have not heard anything from them because know one cares about me my kids not one has come by to check on me or called me so why should I care I hope they all have problems with it I can’t do it anymore this world is has gone to hell
Reading these stories make me feel so selfish for even feeling the way I do but honestly I just can’t shake this overwhelming feeling of sadness and grief and just being mentally and physically drained .. The only good thing in my life is my 2 year old son he’s the light of my life. But somehow I feel he would be better off without me my heart aches every day and for once in my life I understand why people who commit suicide don’t reach out don’t talk to anyone. What do u say how do u begin to express this sadness that makes you feel so low u don’t want to b here anymore .. I wouldn’t even know where to start. Its just something inside that won’t go away no matter how much u try to make it. My son is literally the only thing holding me on I just wish I could be happy find the happiness I know I have I’m such a fun loving outgoing person I miss her I miss who I use to be how does one find themselves and close out the demons that has takin you hostage. I pray every single day and night but it’s like god Cant hear me I need him to hear me ..
Exactly how i feel. I have been living and going thru therapy and everything just to live so they wont be sad but i feel like if i were gone at this point at least they can grieve and get on with it. My kids blame me for my husband committing suicide and blame me for the embarrassment of being bi- polar and for losing my wealth due to the depression and it seems that now that im not wealthy and helping every body people have turned their back and actually some people seem happy that im doing so bad. I never knew so many were actually envious of me
Hi
I am a female 38 years old. Jobless. Broken. Sick. Infertile. diagnosed with cancer.
I had a car accident and owe a lot of money to my family who bailed me out.
I remember that through out my life all I did was struggle. I was heartbroken many times been lied to and back stabbed so many times lost so many jobs due to crisis and recessions and finally prayed so much to god to help me . His answers were more then depressing as literally he had nothing for me .
I decided to end my life . I will not continue my life in debt and sick with 7 types of cancer diabetes fibromyalgia
I am single and have been cheated on so many times by boyfriends and lovers.
I am currently waiting for the chance to do it. I will pay as much as I can from my debt and rest in a nice coffin where maybe I will find some peace and stillness.
I do understand each one of you who share the same.
My heart goes out to you.
I can appreciate where you’re coming from better than you think.
The perky it will get better folks I can’t stand any more.
Half of them have never had to miss a meal.
It’s easy to be cheerful and perky when you’ve had it made all of your life.
You might try applying for disability.
Never easy.
Most nights I pray that I don’t wake up and that what’s left of my life be given to some dying person with young kids.
I fully intend to commit suicide once I find a foolproof way of doing so – from my research, I concluded that the most successful is (failing a hand gun) jumping from a very tall building, as opposed to pills, slashing wrists, and the other things that are likely to fail.
I have been wanting to die since I was 10 years old. I am now in my mid 40s.
No therapist has not been able to help me, I have been admitted to a psychiatric clinics and A&E, none of which helped at all, my GP just hands out antidepressants taht do nothign to change my PTSD, anxiety disorder, paranoia, lack of sleep, OCD — and I am done here. There is nothing in this world that I would miss. Except small dogs, but that’s’ one thing I am not allowed to have due to the Not Pets rules in my building.
Before anyone even dares judge me on being selfish, because of the ‘people I would leave behind’ please consider the fact that I have NO SURVIVING FAMILY and NO FRIENDS, and by friends I mean no close friends or even casual acquaintances.
So BEFORE YOU JUDGE ME, PLEASE NOTE ONCE AND FOR ALL THAT Not ONE single person would be affected by my death as I have no suport system, I do not speak to anyone or have any interaction with anybody, and this is on a daily basis.
I have called the Samaritans and been under the Mental Health Team in UK and they have actually made me feel worse about myself and they ended up putting a a great big guilt trip on me, like the depression was my fault, and kept forcing me to do things that as an agoraphobic and suffering from acute anxiety 24/7, I was unable to carry out. So I would get told off by them, and just dicharged from their service.
They knew my entire story, but they clearly are busy people and they have other more pressing things to do. Shame about their very unempathetic, patronising and rude attitude towards me on all their visits and over the phone.
Now that my mum has passed away I can finally kill myself in peace (she died 2 years ago) as I have nothing and no one left – no job, family, friends, and have plenty of debts and struggling financially. What is the point of this stupid horrible life? I never asked to be born. I wish I had never ever been born. It’s just one big godawful merry go round that you can’t get off.
The people who want to commit suicide but don’t actually attempt it or go thorugh with it are those who have a Support Network – be it a partner, family, children, close friends, etc.
I have nothing and no one, hence I am free to go – and I am thankful for that.
And when I do die, it will be such a relief -not afterwards obviously, but just that wonderful moment before it happens, when I realise that finally this world full of pain, agony, mental anguish, worry, sick disappointment and failure is finally over.
I wish I knew you better. There’s a group that can help you find reliable, painless methods. They have helped me find my plan of action. I plan to depart middle of May.
After reading this, I want you to know I would be affected if I learnt you’d died. I’m sorry for your pain and I can relate to a lot of what you’re going through.
If you read this and want a kind, non judgemental ear, then email me on ajmurtagh27@gmail.com. I’ll talk to you. 🙂
My father took his own life and I have never ever spoken about it to anyone. My close friends know but i have only ever spoken about it on a superficial level. I feel the need to speak to someone now 25 years later.
Jennie
My daughter’s boyfriend took his own life in 2012. I remember how utterly devastated she was. And yet, I’m considering doing the same. If I do, I’d like to think she’ll be okay after a brief period of time. I don’t know if age is a factor, but she’s 22.
I’m sure you’re wondering why I would contemplate doing something that would cause her so much pain. The simple truth is that I’m 54 and just put everything I have into a business that’s going to fail. I’m about to be completely broke, and I have no real marketable skills. In short, my desire to not be a burden to my family may just be greater than my desire to live. I’d want to leave a note explaining my actions. The last thing I want would be for her to feel responsible in any way for my decision.
In a way, I do feel that ending my life would be somewhat selfish. I know that I’d be causing a great deal of pain to my loved one. But honestly, the thought of being unable to support myself seems utterly and completely unacceptable. It’s something I simply can’t allow to happen. So far, you are the only person I’ve spoken to about this.
Brian
Brian,
No matter what age your daughter is, she would find it incredibly difficult losing you. It won’t be something she will get over, she may in time learn to adjust but I can tell you now that she would probably rather have a father who is broke than no father at all. I am 22 years old and if my father committed suicide I would be devastated, it would completely ruin me. My fathers name is also Brian, so reading your words makes it feel as though my own father has written this. Please wait and see what happens with your business. Stay alive for your daughter!
Kaya
I see the author of these articles always posting sites for “resources”. It is tough to utilize some of those when you are broke. Many depressed people do not have a lot of money and cannot afford good therapy.
I am on medications for depression and they are not very effective. I think a lack of a future or any hope of happiness is the cause of much of my depression. I will eventually take my own life and I predict many other young adults will be doing the same in the near future.
Tanner, you said you are depressed because you see no future and have no hope for happiness. Do you think you might see no future or hope for happiness BECAUSE you are depressed? Depression makes people feel hopeless. If you can get the depression under control, then you might actually feel some hope and happiness. If the medicine doesn’t work, try another! There are a ton of antidepressants out there! You can also do other things that help people get over depression, like light therapy, exercise, and meditation.
I am at the lowest point in my life and I feel this may be my only way out I have nobody nothing but death could be worse , I’m so tired of putting on a fake smile ppl worry about how there family will feel well I don’t have one my children are gone now and that’s all that I had nobody will miss me
Hey Jennifer, I buried a dearest and very close friend of mine yesterday due to suicide, I cannot even begin to explain to you the kind of pain and scars her death has caused in the lives of all her loved ones, including myself. I wish I could have told her more often how much I love her and how nothing is too great of a burden that it can’t be solved. Please please please tall to the people you love and tell them how you feel, suicide is devastating and I would never wish such pain on anyone, please dear, choose life.
It seems to me that no matter how bad we feel every shred of strength we have should be to hold on because of the pain it causes those who truly love us. I have attempted before and can only attribute survival to a miracle. And I could have lived with permanent damage. I still struggle get help take meds but I wouldn’t want my loved ones to do this. Our lives here are brief anyway. God give me strength and peace I pray constantly and the peace when it comes is priceless.
I wish I could have been the ideal daughter and sister. I am a mess of a person, whose mind has eaten her up because I cant handle things the way others can. I keep drowning in this sorrow of utter pain that comes from the fear of letting everyone down but mostly letting myself down. I cant accept this. This illness will haunt me and thus the reason I shall say farewell. Yet, I am grateful for my family, although many obstacles and misfortunes have passed through our lives, my family is and will forever be my favorite part of life. I am not proud of this selfish act and for that I am truly sorry. I hope someday, if there is an afterlife, we can find each other so that you can be near me and my heart. I wish nothing but greatness to all of you and forgive me as well as forget me, as hard as it may sound, for we will meet again and that should be enough to ease your pain. I have found God but he has not yet found me. I hope my disgrace doesn’t become a burden to anyone because I love all of you more than myself. So long, love, Tam
I feel your pain hun,try another day if you can,intense emotion to do this can look different after talking to a loved one or friend,just try to find the memory of good times! Your family Will be devastated! If i’m still holding on,so can you for a bit at least…we can talk if you want
Oh I really hope nobody hurts themselves. I wonder if everyone is okay. If they really did do it
I am so confuse rite now I don’t know what to do
I am 16 years old and I have made a mistake and I want to correct my mistake but my parents would not give me a second chance I mean every one deserve a second chance I feel like I don’t belong in this world any more I HATE my life.i am TIRED of living I pray and hope I made the right decision
Anesa, I hope you will ask someone for help, whether your parents, a teacher, a school counselor, the police, a family friend – whoever can help you get the help you need for your troubles and suicidal thoughts. In North America, you can also call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). Please also check out the Resources site on my website: speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp
I am wishing for you to find hope and healing SOON!
You are only 16. Please get help.
What should I say in my not so everyone is at least OK…I have written a few letters and do not know if there good enough…
I think if there is no suicide note it could also show the person felt completely unloved and apathetic to this world at that point, so the lack of note tells more story than an actual handwritten note could ever tell.
That’s so true
Are you saying to leave a note and if so can you give me some ideas on what to say and what not to say because i dont want others to blame themselves like i do over my husbands suicide and he left a note that seems to blame me. And to be honest i wouldnt want to commit suicide if my loved ones would stop doing the things that hurt me so bad that that along with my depression is the reason i cant take it any more
Wow. stacy is irritating.
People have been committing suicide since the beginning of time. It is part of nature and has a place in it.
Anonymous, it’s certainly true that people have been dying by suicide since the beginning of time. I can think of many things that humans have been doing since the beginning of time that are tragic and devastating, and that it would be wonderful to have less of. Can you?
I didn’t think she was irritating. My dad didn’t leave a note and I’ve swayed both ways on if I should leave one or not. She’s just trying to help.
I’m 20. Almost. Ive suffered crippling physical illness since I was 17. Fibromyalgia, CFS, etc, etc. Now I have numbness, tingling, no coordination, cognitive trouble. All my doctors suspect MS. I go to two MS specialists–one says it’s nothing and totally in my head; the other says it’s definitely neurological, but nothing in particular, and I have the ‘potential to be fine’ if I ‘choose to feel better’. She refuses to even consider giving me new pain meds now that my current ones don’t work anymore. She says medication isn’t what I need but I physically cannot function anymore without it. I need arm crutches to get around, sometimes a wheelchair; sometimes I need help even sitting up or reaching something a few feet away. I can’t tolerate more than five or six hours awake at a time but I can’t sleep–I just end up in this comatose aware-ish state trying to rest and only half succeeding. Eating depends on the day. I’m applying for disability but I need a ‘valid’ diagnosis. I can’t apply for a service dog until I move out of my parents basement and I can’t do that until I can stand up on my own and function even half like an adult.
I’m planning to end it tonight. Writing my note as I write this. I just don’t see how I can go through life like this. The specialist I saw today said whatever’s wrong may take five or ten or more years before showing up definitively on tests. I can’t live another week in this much pain–how can I go years?
I’m just…I don’t even know. Fantasizing about my death is cathartic but I feel guilty leaving everyone, especially so close to the holidays and he day after my best friends birthday. I feel the worst though, oddly, over leaving my dog. Dogs don’t understand and you can’t explain that shit to them. Dogs have been known to grieve and get depressed and since he and I are close I feel like I’m making him suffer by killing myself–a thought that makes me want to kill myself all over again.
And my parents. They adopted me and although I do have some abandonment issues and the family isn’t particularly close much of the time, I feel like im obligated to stay here for them. I already feel like I owe them for everything they’ve done so far.
They’re trying so hard. So damn hard. And I don’t know how I can be expected to stay and live like this but I also don’t know how I could leave them after all they’re doing to help. At the same time though I feel guilty costing them so much money and stress and sadness. It’s breaking them both down to see their kid like this.
I’m also terrified of what may happen after death. If there’s a hell in going to it. Would it be worse than this?
Or honestly it’s even scarier to me to think that I might just be stuck as a soul in total blackness for the rest of eternity. Stuck with my thoughts, my guilt, my memories, suffering yet again, unable to even cry or anything. Maybe that is hell. It sounds like it.
So I don’t know what to do. I can’t bear to keep living in relentless pain among dozens of other symptoms, but I can’t bring myself to make the decision to fix this knowing who I’m leaving behind and how it’ll affect them. I just wish I could slip into a coma or something and not wake up until there’s something we can do about my health. At least I’d be alive for the people around me.
It’s just, unable to work, unable to go to school, unable to do anything at all independently anymore, and without even a minute’s relief throughout each day..I don’t see how I can hang on much longer.
Luke,
My heart goes out to you for all your suffering. The doubts you are experiencing are very real and compelling. Please talk to someone about your suicidal thoughts. You can call the national suicide hotline 24/7 at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). Also could you talk to your parents? Other people you know? A physician? A therapist?
What if it turns out your pain can be resolved without your having to die?
Hi,
I’m a 20 year who has chronic health issues too (mostly CFS). I have no support from family or doctors, because they seem to think I’m making up my symptoms. I would love to be able to talk to someone who is my age and “gets” it. If you ever see this, please respond.
I am ambivalent regarding leaving a note for my professor. It would be over email, and I know she will see it instantaneously. But there is no other way for me to communicate how thankful I am for everything she has done for me (she has been there for me throughout my depression and has encouraged me to sought other options)
She has even had to talk me out of suicide twice, and the moments before she could get a hold if me – she was quite obviously in a state of panic. I’m a concerned that if I send that email, she will be in a state of panic for the third time. I don’t want that; but I also don’t know how else to communicate what I need to say to her.
I will carry out the act this time, but I do not want to cause panic in the process. And yet there are things that need to be said. It’s such a tough situation.
Suzie,
It is terribly sad to read that you plan to kill yourself. I hope you will seek help. If you are in the U.S., please call 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). Or you can seek out one of the resources listed in this section of the website: https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#immediatehelp.
As a person who lost a very close relative two weeks ago, please don’t take your own life. Suicide is not the answer. Even though I don’t know you, I care about you. I want to help you even though I could not help my uncle in time.
Look there is no attempt at suicide your either going to do it our your just doing a test run for when you do do it. How do I know? Because I did just that. I now know there will be no more attempts after the first time. Why? Because after falling unconscious that there is no pain to be felt for strangling yourself to death.
As for notes I can understand not leaving notes. Why? Because you are, or at least I have been going over what will happen before I should commit to it.
I will atone for all my sins. This will mean saying sorry for all the bad things I have done in my past to the people I have done them too.
I will make peace with myself.
I will say my goodbyes. While they may not realize it at the time that that is what has taken place it will become very clear in the aftermath of it.
I have already prepared the family for it by telling them that it is not their fault for if I chose to kill myself that it is all on me. I have explained tell I am blue in the face why I want to be dead. The lack of sleep and the inner self in turmoil that never ends.
The only other option to this is if I should just decide to disappear for the rest of my life which is an option I have been thinking of as well. If this option would not give me the peace I seek then that would leave only the ultimate option. Since praying to god to take me out of this life is not working.
I didn’t leave a note at any of my last attempts. But I think I will write one this time. Because I do care about some people and don’t want them to be so upset. Most people never understand how anyone can get so depressed to kill themselves. Yeah for them. That means you don’t have to deal with the darkness.
No, please do not take your own life. As someone who lost someone to suicide on the day you posted this, please don’t die.. Please reach out.
i really hope you don’t kill yourself. i’m out here. i care about you.
I only know this… first hand, because I am a survivor and still struggle with the thoughts of suicide every single day. This is my opinion. My opinion is not fact, but perhaps it could lend a hand at a better understanding regarding the mindset at the direct time of impact of suicide. I have never spoken about this in public. But this is my opinion.. here goes. When suicidal thoughts enter the brain, the person is no longer a person. I feel nothing. Only blackness. A deep deep dark despair. I am not a woman, a stranger, a neighbor, a friend, a mother, a grandmother, a wife. I am not a daughter or a sister or a lover nor a fighter. I am nothing. I am not even a speck. And even to muster up the courage to think perhaps I could be a speck, a grain of sand, that in of itself would be so very over whelming. As even a speck does not deserve to take up the space of wich I would be standing. The mind closes in and claspes on top of itself. Everything is gone. All memories of love ones, good and bad. Gone. The entire world swallows you up. Those outside of your mind no longer exists … everyone and everything is no longer there, no longer valid. This is the fault of nothing. There is no blame, nor shame, nor pain. There is only space of darkness and nothing. There is a slice of yearning. A indescribable yearning to become part of the nothing. A yearning to blend into a the darkness. Suicide is not an yearning for attention, nor is it a way to obtain love or show hate. Suicide is complex. It is difficult to explain, I am writing this for those who do not understand and are left behind wondering the “what ifs” . Just know that a darkness comes that consumes. Nobody is to blame. Nobody can truly stop the rampage of nothingness. I am blessed to say that I have my family and we are very open regarding my darkness. It is up to me now to know the warning signs and to speak up when the yearning starts to knock on the door of my mind. I do not know why my mind works this way. I only know that it is nobodies fault when it does, not even mine. I hoped this helped somebody in some small way. I hope perhaps it can lend a glimpse into a suicidal mind at the point of impact. And like I said..this only my first hand opinion, not facts. I am a daughter, I am wife, I am a sister, I am a grandmother, I am stranger and I am a child of God. Some days, that is just enough…just enough to get me past one more day, one more hour, one more is more than nothing.
Thanks for sharing that Susan. I’m sure that must have been hard. It does help. Those of us who have lost loved ones to suicide are always trying to understand the whys and what could we have done. May God bless you and keep you from those dark places, and please keep reaching out to your family when you feel it coming on.
You make complete sense. I get it. Thank you!
Thank you for telling us your thoughts. My grandson became an angel the day before his 16th birthday,I’ve felt a lot of guilt and what ifs. No note was left from him. Your post helped me understand it all a lot more. May God bless you and keep giving you strength to live and have a wonderful life.
Some one who gets it. Same thing here Susan. One more day. I pray to god to take me away and then thank him in the morning for giving me just one more day.
I feel like you were speaking to me I hope u are well and living a much better and happier life ..
OMG ive been looking for whether or not to write a letter and this is perfect so no one will feel blame yet it explains exactly how i feel. So i screen shot it thanks
I’ve had three family members kill themselves. As a child, all I remember is sadness that my favorite uncle was gone. As a young adult, my brother did the same. The last one I never talk about, but not one of them left a note, just questions in my head. Would a note suffice? All the times I’ve been close to the abyss, I never once thought about writing a note. Maybe that’s answer enough.
Thanks for giving me some information about what should be included in a suicide note I’ll begin writing mine now. Yes this is a chicken sh@t cry for help, but I just can’t shake it off. I am just a drain on the world’s resources. Someone else with more to to give should have them. I have a good life insurance policy that will pay even if I commit suicide. I checked with my broker. My family will be taken care of financially.
“Embarrassed,”
One of the symptoms of depression is feelings of worthlessness, which would include feeling like a drain on the world’s resources. I of course can’t diagnose anyone without doing an evaluation, and I couldn’t possibly diagnose someone with depression based on a single symptom. But your suicidal thoughts and perceptions of being a burden to others merit professional attention.
I urge you to get help. It is not necessary to believe everything you think!
For immediate help, if you are in North America you can turn to the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline, at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). I would also recommend being evaluated by a mental health professional, as well as your physician (the latter because some physical disorders can cause depression or depressive symptoms).
Does not let me reply to Stacey Freedenthal so this is directed at her.
It always makes me laugh when people give out these 800 numbers like us people who are thinking about killing ourselves are really going to call it so that they can trace the phone/cell phone and send the police to get us the help they think we will get.
I have been dealing with this for over 30 years. Yes I have saught professional help multiple times. In the end its always the same thing. Meds help but do not suppress the will to die.
What I have learned over the years is there are things you can say to your shrink and there are things you cant say. I wont divulge them so that your profession can attempt to try to help these people.
my boyfriend committed suicide, by hanging himself in our bathroom I have all these questions because there was no note not even an i am sorry, or I hope you understand or something I think of that night everyday of my life I am angry with him because he was a strong person and he left without anything.
i am sad, because we had a wonderful relationship nothing was wrong between us, I know he had a lot of stress but I was always there for him and always asked him to please speak to me and share anything with me, I keep on saying to myself if only i went home earlier that day 🙁
Having attempted suicide and having it constantly on my mind, let me explain the thought process hoping that it will console you. We who think of suicide do not always let friends or family know because: (a) it’s embarassing. I have found it so hard that all I could do was text someone, which was still a step in the right direction, but I was too embarased to talk to them on the phone or certainly not in person thinking that I was taking up their time and looking for pity. (b) we worry about others telling you to just buck up, or that we’re only thinking of ourselves, or (c) we don’t want to stress somone out. We also think that we know better than anyone else about whether our exsistence means something – that the world would be better without us, thinking that we don’t have the right to waste the resources of the world on us – someone else more worthy should have what is being wasted on us.
The fact that he commited suicide in a place so close to your bedroom (the resuorces to hang himself were probably more available in the bathroom) indicates to me that even though he didn’t feel worthy to be in this world, he wanted to be close to you in his death.
Don’t take any blame for this on yourself. His need to commit suicide likely has nothing to do you. It is possible that he didn’t feel worthy of you. We who consently think of suicide will eventualy carry it out if we don’t get help, but for the reasons stated above, often we don’t..
2 weeks ago I found my ex boyfriend dead at my front door of
my apartment , he shot himself in the head. We broke up 1.5 months before. He was stalking me online and emailing me , texting . Probably received over 600 texts maybe 60 emails and 50 phone calls.during this time. I was with him over 3 yrs , however we did not live together . He has a 19 yr old daughter and I have a 17 yr old son at home. I had called the police two times and filed reports. He sent gifts and called my work a few times. I hesitated to file a restraining order because it could jeopardize his job in corrections..I had been unhappy for sometime but wasn’t sure how to end it… then he thought I cheated on him , but I did not. Went off deep end blasting me on Facebook and many other horrible things. He never mentioned in any of his texts harming himself. . He actually in the last few emails seemed to be accepting the breakup and even mentioned he hoped someday we could be friends . So this was a total shock to me.. I have horrible guilt and am doing the what ifs now… what if I had met with him at restaurant what if I’d called him. I was trying to keep my distance because to me it seemed if I met him it would give him false hope.. i was also nervous to meet him because he seemed so upset. plus the police told me not to talk to him after I sent a last email telling get him we were done because otherwise if I wanted to get a restraining order later it would be more difficult if I kept talking to him.
I am so in shock and keep replaying every in my head but doesn’t make sense .. He didn’t seem depressed before this.. but I can’t imagine himm doing this just because of ourbreakup.. He has a beautiful daughter, .. so senseless. I am beyond angry that he would do this to her and to me and my son. I feel I have a stigma now .. I’m the horrible cheating ex that had her boyfriend kill himself over…. no one but other survivors can really understand the depths of my pain .
Sadme, there is a Facebook group for survivors of loved ones to suicide. They have private groups and there is one for spouse/significant other. Search for the group SOLOS on Facebook and you can join. I’m a member of this group and it really helps to have people to talk to that understand. Hope to see you there.
Thank you I will check out that Facebook group .. I really appreciate your feedback and help
Sadme, I tried to leave a reply but don’t know if it worked. Sorry for your loss. There is a group on Facebook for survivors of loved ones to suicide. It is called SOLOS. They have subgroups for your type of loss. I am a member of one for spouse/significant other. It is a closed/private group. It is so helpful to have other people to talk to openly that have been through the same loss. Just do a search for SOLOS and then the private group. Hope to see you there.
Thank you Angie I do see your comments and I will go on Facebook and look for that group. I appreciate you letting me know .. I need all the resources I can get right now .
You did the right thing in not seeing him. I recently got divorced because of mental and emotional abuse, yet always felt that I wanted to heal her pain by seeing or talking to her. Everyone I talked to said that it would just give her false hope and she would continue to try to get our marriage back. In fact, I did see her several times after I left. Each time she felt that I was coming back to her and blamed me for puting her on a “roller coaster”. It just made it more painful to me when she accused me of lying to her and setting her up for a fall. It just made me feel worse.
As for the suicide: because of the lack of self esteem and lack of worthiness to even breath the air around me I attempted suicide once and thouhgt about it constantly. When a person is at that point, we feel that we know better than anyone else. However, the fact that he committed suicide by shooting himself in front of your door was just rude. My therepist says that when someone does this it is the ultimate way to stick it to you in a way that you can never compensate for. In the end he wanted to hurt you. Don’t let him.
Anonymous Thank you for your response. . I knew at the time not meeting him was protecting myself and my son .. but had no idea of the gravity of the situation. My mom was more,worried about harm coming to me than I was when I look back . I find comfort in your words and I feel how he chose to end his life was unbelievably harsh towards me .. he wanted to make,sure I had pain /guilt and would never forget him … my job now is to try to come to some kind of acceptance of what happened .. and this will be the difficult part of course . Thanks for sharing your experience with suicide as this helps me feel not so alone but I wouldn’t wish this on anyone .. its like a bad dream from which I can’t wake.
“Sadme,”
I am so sorry. Your experience is heartbreaking. You were being stalked by your ex-boyfriend. His violent death at your doorstep serves to confirm that you were in danger. You did what you needed to do to protect yourself, even following the police’s advice.
And now you blame yourself for his suicide. That is not surprising. Many people do. I wrote a post on this very topic: “If Only”: Self-Blame After a Loved One’s Suicide.
I hope in time that you will be able to challenge those feelings of self blame with compassion for yourself, and the understanding that you did the best you could. May you also come to understand that the blame for suicide goes to the forces of suicide themselves. For some people, these forces are mental illness or addiction. For others, they are trauma, or sudden loss, or impulsivity. Whatever the cause, the forces of suicide were not within your control.
I hope you will check out the Facebook group that Angie recommended. I looked it up and the address is https://www.facebook.com/SolosSurvivorsOfLovedOnesToSuicide.
You can also find other resources for suicide loss survivors at the Resources page.
If you need to talk with someone immediately and are in North America, please consider calling the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1.800.273.8255 (TALK). You don’t have to be suicidal to call.
Thanks for sharing here and allowing others to help. May you find healing on your path.
Sadme, I do believe this may help you a little, as i suffer from extreme depression and suicidal thoughts on a daily. You say that he gave no sign as to his desire for suicide, but upon reading your story, I believe he did. You said he stopped harassing you and seemed to be “accepting” of the breakup. That in itself is a clear sign of the possible plannings of a suicide. Why? Well he spent so long harassing you over all means of communication, only to switch a flip and begin accepting the breakup. Why would he stop trying so hard with you if he didn’t have plans for suicide? It’s a common sign that a lot of people overlook.: the sudden change in demeanor or behavior. For me when I tried, I was overly elated and happy for the days before my attempt. For many others I know who have tried, they become extremely social and talkative. It appears that for your significant other, it was the acceptance and desire of friendship with you. I don’t know if this has helped you or not to understand certain things, but I hope it has. Anyways, I am very sorry to hear that you have had to go through such a painful experience. I do hope you can come to understand that his suicide was not your fault. As sad as this may sound, if he really desired to kill himself, he would have wether you met with him at the restaurant or not. What’s done is done. Blaming yourself for something that was out of your hands is like pulling out stitches before the wound has healed.
Katarina,
I appreciate that you are offering support and compassion to “Sadme” with your comment. When I first started reading your words, however, I worried you were blaming her for not recognizing that her ex-boyfriend was in danger of suicide. It seemed like you were pointing out signs that she should have recognized, implying that she should have done more. For this reason I want to clarify a couple of things.
First, even when people know that someone is in danger of suicide, that does not mean that they are responsible if the person dies. There is only so much that loved ones can do to control another person’s actions, which I write about in my post “You Can’t Do Everything”: Limitations in Helping a Suicidal Person. This is not to say that people should not try to help a suicidal person. Of course not! But we are limited. Consider that the police knew of this man’s actions and they presumably did not consider him to be at imminent risk for suicide.
Second, in hindsight, many things can look like obvious warning signs of suicide that really weren’t. So in hindsight, it is tempting to say that the ex-boyfriend’s cessation of stalking and seeming improvement should have alerted “Sadme” to his risk. In reality, every day millions of people around the world experience an improvement in mood for reasons that have nothing to do with suicide. Similarly, many people stop stalking for other reasons, too. They might recognize the cruelty of their actions, or find other ways to cope with the loss of their relationship, or make any of untold changes that could cause them to stop stalking and harassing their former partner.
I know you did not say that “Sadme” is to blame and, in fact, you eloquently said quite the opposite: “Blaming yourself for something that was out of your hands is like pulling out stitches before the wound has healed.” I totally agree. My comments here are intended for those who might not read fully through your comment and, for that reason or even others, might think Sadme is to blame for this man’s suicide.
Thank you for your comment!
Thank you all for sharing. I found a website about the 20 best ways to commit suicide and have decided on the one that would leave the least amount of trauma to my family when they would find me. It would be a pharmaceutical drug overdose. However, such attempts are only 33% effective. I would have to do some research on what drugs to take and figure out a way to get them…….an unsuccessful attemt would just be embarrassing.
I talked to my sister about what could be said in a suicide note that might console her. That was kind of stupid since of course she said that there would be nothing and how she would be devastated. I love my sister and I don’t want to hurt her in any way, but having decided on the method and what to say in a suicide note is disconcerting.
Once I decided to drive my car off a cliff and chickened out. I made a run at it and hit the brakes. I don’t know if that means I’m a survivor or just chicken shit.
Another dumb thing I did was to call my therapist to say goodbye and apologize that I couldn’t keep my promise to not commit suicide. At first they wanted to know where I was. I laughed and said that if I’m serious, why would I tell them. Well, I don’t know why but I gave them enough information for them to send the police after me, put me in hand cuffs and haul me to the hospital. The psych ward is just a white jail and is a total waste of time. It is just embarrassing.
I have felt suicidal for much of this week. I saw my shrink today and she encouraged me to make an appointment with my therapist which I will do and hold off on suicide for now.I love my sister and I don’t want to hurt her.
Life in this world is like trying to fix a car, with its many parts, and being given a bent screwdriver to do the job. Reality itself is turned literally upside-down. I sought counseling, not for suicidal reasons, but just to get back on the right track in life. But the therapist charges by the hour and not based upon results (go figure). So like most of healthcare, they make their living by taking money from those who are hurting. Many will argue and say that there’s nothing wrong with someone making a living from what they do. Well how about I make my living by selling sex/my body? Yet it is perfectly normal for someone to buy health, buy water, or buy someone to talk to.. Think of it this way, with the rate the economy keeps expanding into what is known as the public commons, more and more things will carry a price tag and when you are out of dollars, you are out. Imagine if you had to purchase the very air you breathe. But I digress. The world has turned on its ass and few people I feel even acknowledge this. Instead, it’s “don’t commit suicide, period” or “don’t talk about these things and just be happy” or “it’s all in your mind…” Try turning to religion some have offered. I’ve been there; the head of the church was molesting boys. Leave religion and try something individual and spiritual. Tried that; it’s filled with even more lies, hocus-pocus, charlatans selling books and snakeoil, faux free-thinking, and no solution in sight. And all this is to hide the reality that is right in front of out eyes: this (my) country is at infinite war whilst pretending that there is no money in order to promote social betterment– and all this over an event which has more holes in it than a colored boy looking at cops the wrong way (yes 9/11); school tuition shot up 30% and library hours cut back and closed on Saturdays and I was forced to leave– all this while working a part time job from which I now have a serious injury and have been denied medical help; people are being shot and killed by the police who are serving and protecting the interests of someone other than the citizens; families are being torn apart by the very institutions to whom they gave power; mental health hospitals prescribe drugs that poison the mind, and if you get out of line in the slightest you lose your freedom. And if you’re thinking prison, that’s just one of the ways you can be locked away. There’s also mental health which if enough people can say you are a harm to yourself, off you go to be a guinea pig for state financed medication wards. When you try to move forward, there the people stand in your path. When you try to move out, there the people stand in your path. I’ve even looked at meditations and methods people swore by where one could “shift” their reality into an alternate reality just because I don’t care to take harm against myself and would rather just leave and be happy/effective some place else. But even this was more lies, book plugs, and a cult of people who themselves seem to have retreated into their own minds and refuse to acknowledge objective life. And to be clear, there are some things which are in fact subjective and relative to our own minds, but not everything.
And then someone wants to end it. They’ve had enough, but they don’t want to walk into a shopping mall and blow everyone away, they don’t want to take their frustrations or ailments out on anyone else, and instead would like to quietly exit stage left. Oh no, this is wrong somehow. Somehow, despite all other variables, this is the ultimate wrong. We know nothing about what happens after life, and yet people will swarm you with these ideas of guilt and promises of places to which you will be damned. Or perhaps, like this article, they will concentrate on those left behind and the grieving that they will endure. But by their own advice, they should continue living their life to the fullest! Learn from their own mistakes and gain whichever lessons life is teaching them. Even this idea that suicide = depression is false. In Japan, the act of Harakiri was not a Samurai’s cry for help or attention. Although it was at times used as a formal self-inflicted capital punishment, it was also used as an act to regain one’s honor after disgrace.
The best comment I’ve seen in this thread has been from the mother who accepted her daughter’s decision. I would recommend this to anyone who is hurting from a love one who has passed. If it were a grandparent dying of cancer or a child that was hit by a drunk driver, the lesson is similar: learn from it, then accept it. If more people were free to take their own lives and more people would open their eyes and see what “evils” are driving some to take their own life, then perhaps the conditions could be addressed instead of all of this medication and faux treatment of symptoms.
Sadly, we have been brainwashed into believing a person’s life is not their own. But it is. It is not the property of the family, nor the property of the state, nor the property of those left behind. If you want to live, live. Live your physical life to its absolute fullest. Grab the throttle and gun it. And as an added point of advice, learn to lie, but never to yourself. Learn to be the best bullshitter you can be, because everyone is doing it whether they are conscious about it or not. Become a conscious liar but keep your bullshit detector on at all times. Learn to spot other people’s lies and be good at disguising your own. The (ironic) truth, or constant, is that everyone is lying and the only variable is “about what?” But don’t feel bad or too proud because humans aren’t the only ones lying to each other. Even spiders, bacteria, and apparently robots also lie. It’s a part of our evolution. ( A great movie to watch: The Invention of Lying)
The lies in this world are deep; it is a cesspool where the truth lies at its murky depth and I doubt anyone will ever see it clearly or perhaps when they do see it, they won’t even recognize it. So find the nuggets of objective truth you can come across, don’t be afraid to lie–but don’t be bad at it, and don’t give into the hype. There is nothing ‘illogical’ about choosing to end your life just as there is nothing illogical about choosing to endure through it. Think for yourself, and remember, your life and your body is yours and yours alone.
Brilliant, lucid, oddly life-affirming post. Your writing captures and reflects my own feelings far more eloquently than I would know how. Sincerely grateful.
One word to describe my thoughts on COWY,…..Respect.
One line to sum up his paragraph: What is freedom, but the decision to do what you want with your own life?
Brilliant. This makes me feel the guilt of my choice melt away. Imma screen shot this.
Whenever I go, I won’t leave a note. Err, actually I will…stating that there is no note. Or I may write an entire book as I like to write(no one knows I like to write..except whomever reads this.) Thing is, everyone goes all batsh-t when the person dies and they actually start giving a damn, but until they do die…no one gives a damn. Call me some time, ask how I am, how my day goes, what I am doing at work. Send me a text message or a quick email. I just looked through my contact list and it makes sense why I don’t get those messages. The only people in there are managers and coworkers who I work with on projects at work. They never call and ask how my day is, but that makes sense. Also makes sense now why I don’t have a Facebook acct…gotta have friends and family for that.
No shit bro and when it’s all said and done people will prolly enlighten a little more on the situation depression ain’t no joke…. Fuckinnn recognize.
I came here To read the comments because I have severe depression. No one knows how bad it is but I wanted to know whether to leave a note or not. I think I will. This is not just a plea for attention but can someone tell me what I should write? I don’t know how to write it.
You don’t have to go through with this, there are lots of people who are willing to help you. Try to find your little spark of hope, there is always a way around these feelings, somewhere in you, there is the the ability to stop these feelings, no matter how bad the situation
Dear Anonymous,
I know how you feel. Don’t read that as a comforting line, I actually think I know how you feel. Sadly for me, I also know how it feels on the other side.
Like you I have a depression, and possibly a whole fleet of other things that often come with it; Anxiety, Generalised Panic Disorder and Borderline. You probably know these things usually come in a package-deal.
Im a 25 year old male from The Netherlands, my mother has committed suicide, 7 months ago, the 29th of December 2014.
My mother had 3 suicide attempts before eventually hanging herself 2 days after my birthday. The closest thing I have to a note is a voicemail on which she is wishing me a happy birthday and suggesting we should have dinner together soon.
Long story short: I am a mess. Right now, I probably cannot imagine what is going through your head but know this: My mom is not with me anymore, but she has punched a hole in my chest. It hurts so much sometimes I cannot think clear. I am damaged. I am damaged for the what would be, the rest of my life.
Every second of me longs for her embrace, Just one more talk, one more hug, one more visit.. I wish I did something different.
Trust me even if it does not feel so right now: You DO have loved ones, you do. There are always people that care. We wear masks and we’re very good at it; People do not see through us, even the ones you most held dear, but that should NEVER be an excuse for suicide. Trust me when I say this, for I know from first-hand experience that it hurts. It hurts so much you feel your life is meaningless.
Do not, and I mean do NOT go through with it.
I like the persons idea to write a note that there is no note to find. Maybe mail it via snail mail as police will take the note anyways and it typically does not get to the family.
“Only rarely, if ever, can words on paper make the illogic of suicide logical. ”
How is suicide illogical?
If you lose interest in tennis, you stop playing.
If you lose interest in a partner you end the relationship.
If you lost interest in your job, you do your best to find a new one.
So, if you lose interest in life, you commit suicide.
I personally think family members, friends and the like whom guilt trip people who want to commit suicide to stay alive, do so for there own selfish ideals. It’s a free world, why torture a loved one who is suffering by making them live with the pain.
Comments such as:
“Life is not that bad”
“Think of how it will affect others”
“Don’t be selfish”
are disrespectful to the person. In today’s day and age when we respect people’s religion, sexuality and life choices, why not respect their decision to commit suicide.
I’m all for throwing in your reasons, you might enjoy life however there must be an acknowledgement that you, are not them, and have different circumstances. Just like them you have a opinion that can be respected but does not have to be adhered to by others.
For the most part we know suicide is often caused by depression of varying forms, all of which are chemical imbalances in the brain. Yes some anecdotal evidence suggests behaviour, environment, thought patterns can stimulate negative emotions. However, serious depression leading to suicide is often having incontrolable negative emotions, iregardlous of activities that may help most people to feel better (ie, company of people, exercise, sex) which stimulate endorphins.
If someone breaks their leg they get a cast, if someone gets depression they get antidepressants. However most antidepressants don’t work, and have terrible side effects. Generally speaking antidepressants inhibit cognitive function thus reducing the frequency of negative thoughts and behaviours, and doesn’t fix the problem.
Anyway, even if there was an easy fix for depression I think if someone wants to end their life they can. After all none of us decided to be alive did we? Our parents did. Given the opportunity to see what life was before becoming a part of it I think a lot of people would say “no thanks, not on this planet, at least not at this time”.
The mistake parents make is bringing a child into their life for their own happiness and not wether their situation would result in a happy life for the child.
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Also happy people just turn a blind eye to the (negative) facts of life in order to justify their own happiness (ie cognitive dissonance). We are also forgetting happiness is just chemicals in your brain too, so please get of your superior “I am happy person” high horse. For the most part you were born that way (and haven’t sustained head injuries) and accordingly besides your supreme ability to use cognitive dissonance to your advantage for the most part your happiness comes without skill or effort.
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I would be interested to know what people think, and as always I am open to being wrong, or misled with some of my thinking.
Cheers.
Hector,
I appreciate your sharing your thoughts, as well as your being willing to entertain other views. You ask very incisive questions about suicide and society’s efforts to reduce it.
I think my views are fairly self-evident on this site: I understand the great pain, suffering, hopelessness, and life circumstances that can give rise to suicidal thoughts. Yet it also is my view that suicide is illogical, because the suicidal brain thwarts the survival instinct, engages in selective attention of what’s bad without paying equal attention to what’s good or might get better, puts out misinformation (e.g., “No one will miss you,” when this is only rarely true), etc. In fact, you yourself wrote that most antidepressants “don’t work and have terrible side effects.” Yet that simply is not true. Not only can we look to research findings to see that antidepressants are effective for a sizable portion of people with depression, especially when the depression is not mild, but we also can talk with the people we know who take antidepressants and report dramatic effects.
I imagine it is true that people who stay alive engage in some cognitive dissonance to justify their take on life. Is there any reason to believe that people who are suicidal do not do the same?
As for myself, I truly wish I were capable of “turning a blind eye to the (negative) facts of life in order to justify my own happiness (i.e., cognitive dissonance),” as you put it. I am well aware, on many levels, of the terrible suffering, loss, and even evil that exist in the world. Happiness does not require denial of such facts. Rather, it is possible to find meaning in life amid such grave circumstances, whether that meaning comes from helping others, enjoying the love of another person, cultivating skills or talents, living according to spiritual or religious beliefs, appreciating nature and its inherent beauty, working towards a greater good, or doing whatever works.
If you lose interest in tennis, you stop. But that’s not going to permanently hurt anyone, also you may go back to it anytime you wish. However, if you kill yourself, you hurt so many people, and you can never go back.
I believe i knew this all along but it seems like people feel like if they have to live this depressing life then everyone should be forced to stay alive with them.
Kristen, that’s just it. I think many survivors of suicide loss can see very good reasons for the person to have hung around any longer. They desperately want to know what happened that made the person who died blind to those reasons.
My Dad didn’t leave a note. I looked all over the house, went through books, going through everything like a mad woman….and I was mad. That he would do this to us and not leave an explanation or say good bye or I love you. I eventually left his house and went home. There I found he had tried to leave a message on my answering machine. He started out normal messages…”Hey Babe”…then he paused and started crying he said “I’ve had a good retirement”…paused and mumbled something the answering machine cut him off. I guess because of the pausing. I so wish I could have heard his message. I still have it on my answering machine and hear it almost daily. Even made tapes of it in case the message gets lost some how. From the time on the answering machine and our time line he must have gone out right then and shot himself. His message was his last action, though he had done other things to prepare the site for his death. I would still have appreciated a note and I wish he knew his message got cut off and I didn’t get it. He must have wanted to tell me something. I was the only person he called, which crushed his partner of 22 years. They didn’t live together but they were just as good as man and wife. After his death I had his phone disconnected. Since then I have had several caller ID messages that a call came from his number. It showed his name and his number. I called the number to see if it had been reassigned but it was still disconnected. Could this have anything to do with why I don’t want to talk on the phone, or maybe answering it is the bigger problem…because I know it’s not going to be who I want to talk to.
You have very interesting articles here, thank you.
Tracye,
How awfully tormenting, to know that your father called you to tell you something and then was cut off. That must make his suicide even harder to bear, and the loss of one’s father to suicide already is devastating.
I hope that you are getting some good support. Have you checked out the Resources section of this site for people who have lost a loved one to suicide? If not, you can find it here: https://speakingofsuicide.mystagingwebsite.com/resources/#survivors
Good luck to you, and thanks for sharing here. I am certain that it will help some folks out there to feel less alone in their own grief and search for answers that will never come.
Thank you
They see nothing, because all they are doing is imprinting their own values on the other person. Whether a reason is “good” or not is completely subjective.
It’s helpful to read what survivors go through. So many times we are plagued with thoughts people are better off without us.
Stac, I too am a “survivor”. It will be 20 years in December this year. It took me a long time to understand the impact my actions would have caused had I been successful. I did not leave a note. I was a writer of poetry, and I did journal, but I left nothing for my loved ones. There was planning on my part, but in the end the action was very last minute, so the details, such as a note, were left undone.
I don’t want to discourage you or anyone else recovering from an attempt, but I have struggled with depression for 20 years since. I would no longer harm myself, for the sake of my children if nothing else, but that doesn’t mean it never crosses my mind. In a sense it becomes an easier thought once you have tried to consider a non-existent future again, but hopefully you also have the input of those around you in your thoughts as well.
My biggest regret and something I am trying to remedy now is letting my attempt and depression in general be a secret. It is something people talk about in dark corners and in hushed voices. I believe if more of us spoke up about the struggles we have, the more we normalize mental health issues, the greater chance we have of saving some of those souls that have yet to be reached. People are isolated because we allow them to be.
It frustrates me when I come across someone who has no comprehension of depression and they say “just get up out of bed and say you’re going to have a great day”. That generally doesn’t work for someone who has a chemical imbalance in their brain. I make an effort to help educate those that make comments like this, even some from my own family.
On a daily basis I work with those that have mental health issues. It may have been a calling, I may be more of an advocate, more appreciative of their struggles than someone else. I look at some of those individuals and think “that’s not me”, but on some plane it is, or it was. Making it OK to be depressed, making it OK to have suicidal thoughts – BUT to get help, making mental health a better place than it is, should be a goal to work towards.
I love my family, I have a good job, I have friends. I still think about December 5, 1994, but I don’t want to repeat that day. I wish I could reach out to anyone that needed it to share, to help, to comfort, to listen – sometimes that is all a person in that state needs.
You hit it right on the nail i just shut down when people tell me just smile and decide you want to be happy and eventually blah blah blah. My husband committed suicide over 10 years ago. The guilt is eating me alive ive always wanted to die tho since i was 5 years old and my grandad died and they told me he was in heaven ive always been ready to go and now even more im bi-polar and lonely paranoid washed up no body wants me im not wealthy any more over weight i dont feel attractive my kids blame me dont call me other loved ones are annoyed with me because i should be finished grieving by now i cant get myself back and im 51 ive prayed year after year and have existed solely so that they wont be sad but i cant take it anymore
What if there are things that for sure will bug you in the future–for ever–and you could just not take it anymore? What if someone has suffered something life-changing, as in a physical change, that will dictate his/her future life? How does one accept the physical changes; could someone accept that person in the future for who & what he/she is? What is someone has suffered so many changes in the past 6-8 years and sees no way out, but still keeps a sane mind?
Does this study take into account how many people (especially police) cover up suicides, or kill people under the guise of suicide?
If you found the note and part of it said you were the reason, would you show it to anyone?
Hello Ari, you are right to question the reliability of suicide statistics. Various studies estimate that suicides are underreported at a rate of 10% to 30% or even higher. This article, The Reliability of Suicide Statistics: A Systematic Review, summarizes and examines such studies.
I am not aware of research supports that police kill people under the guise of suicide. There is considerable research to suggest that the opposite is true – that some police shootings in self defense actually involve, or greatly appear to involve, people who died by “suicide by cop,” wherein they provoked a police officer to shoot them. (Sometimes, the shooting victim wrote a suicide note beforehand.) For more information, see the article Suicide by Cop: Police Shooting as a Method of Self Harming.
That is a great question about whether I would show to others a suicide note blaming me for the person’s death. It’s impossible to know for sure, but offhand I would say that I would show it to someone, whether close friends or family, a counselor, or someone else who could help me with such a stressful situation. I hope that if such a devastating act occurred, I would remember my own advice to others: that a person who blames others for suicide may not be rational, and that no one person or act is responsible for someone’s suicide. In short, I hope that I would not feel shame or embarrassment for blame that someone assigns in the context of illness, distorted thoughts, or impulsive anger.
Thanks for asking such thought-provoking questions!
I’m considering dying now for many months. I’ve sought out counselors and psychiatrists, tried numerous medications but nothing can bring back peace to my life. I have children whom I love dearly and wish not to hurt ; that’s kept me going this long. I don’t know how much longer I can hang on the pain I feel is unbearable.
Hello “Mom,” your words are painful to read, and I know they are far, far more painful for you to experience. I hope you will not give up. You never know what random or intentional change might bring back peace to your life.
The following posts might be helpful:
Letter from a Therapist to a Suicidal Person
Are You Thinking of Killing Yourself?
What Are Your Reasons for Dying – and for Living?
The People You Would Leave Behind
Also, the Speaking of Suicide site has many resources listed here for people who are thinking of suicide. These resources include hotlines, online assistance, and more.
The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is available 24/7 for you to call anytime.
Best of luck to you, “Mom.” I really hope you are able to find some peace while staying alive! Please feel free to touch base again and let us know how you are doing.
My forty-three year old daughter who died January 9, 2013, left no note. She wrote incessantly.
After months of agony, I finally realized that if she had written about what she was going to do, she could not have done it. She was not about to talk/write herself out of her final act.I now believe that not leaving the note attests to her psychological pain and her need to end it.
She loved us all–especially her two sons–but she had reached the end of her coping ability. I miss her everyday, but unlike those who view her act as unforgivieable, I cling to Bible verses, such as Romans 8:1 that reads: “Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.”
Hello “Anonymous,” I’m so sorry about the loss of your daughter. Your reasoning for why she did not write a suicide note is deeply moving, especially how the absence of a note speaks to her unbearable psychological pain.
I’m grateful that you have found comfort in the Bible verse you provided. I wonder if you know that major religions no longer condemn people who die by suicide, despite what they might say about suicide itself. They understand now that the person does not kill himself or herself so much as depression, other mental illness, pain, stress, and trauma kill the person. This link may be of interest to you: http://www.pbs.org/wnet/religionandethics/2005/10/21/october-21-2005-religion-and-suicide/11870/
Best wishes to you on your healing journey.
can fully concur with your thinking as this is what resonates for myself and my remaining daughter over her sisters death.
I have made several suicide attempts in the past; some serious, some not so serious. The reason I never left a note before any of them is exactly what you mention – it would have been far too painful.
my twin sister and I lost our father to suicide when we were only 6 years old. our mother had also lost her own mother to suicide 10years earlier. the emotional devastation our mother had to endure made her not only strong but very angry and “matter of fact” to grief. As children we didn’t understand why the subject of “dad” wasnt welcome or encouraged to be discussed. As adults with (not surprisingly) problems showing, talking and expressing grief, sadness and abandonment issues, our lives have so often felt unworthy, we have felt unworthy of love. A letter may have helped us to understand why a father would feel so unhappy he had to leave his children. My sister and I have both attempted suicide thinking this the only option at the time. thank goodness we didn’t succeed. Time heals and life is a great teacher. we really wouldn’t have wanted our dear mother to endure this awful pain again or our children to live with the emotional anxiety. I believe that the stigma of mental illness is still a huge factor in these sad and lonely “goodbyes” Forgiveness is the only way to move on. Forgive yourself and the deceased. we are only human and our journey in life is just that.. our journey, sometimes that journey is just to hard! Heart felt thoughts to those that hurt. Annie x
your words were of comfort to me today…. have just arrived back from great week in Los Angeles with my daughter, her partner and her late sister (my elder daughter’s) child…. it has been like a new beginning as we honour 6 years since her passing in June this year. On our holiday our little one asked straight up why his mummy committed suicide…… his aunt answered we don’t really know why and I answered a number of reasons and contributing factors…. he knows she had Parkinsons and that that had real issues for coping for her along with other mental type factors coming into play…. we have always told him the truth but simply and know that as he gets older he will have a different take and understanding on the matter…. love and strength to you all as you journey your life’s path..Marion <3
Marion, it is a gift for you to share with others your new beginning, especially as you’ve been through so much. Your grandson is fortunate that you are sharing so openly with him about his mother. You are sparing him from some confusion and complications later on.
Thanks for sharing!
Thank you. Our family also struggled after my brother died leaving no note.
It will be 14 years this December…no note, no hint, no previous attempts we were aware of….it’s still difficult. It has however, made me pay more attention to others I care about. Noticing nuances and having conversations and being present for them.
I am grateful for that awareness.
Rosie, thank you for sharing. I am sorry for your loss. Losing a loved one to suicide is always devastating, but for there to have been no note or hint must make it especially so. The mindfulness you experience with others is something many others experience, as well. I once read about someone who says “hi” to everyone he sees, because he had read (and this is in fact a true story) that somebody left a suicide note before their suicide at the Golden Gate bridge saying, “If one person says hi to me, I won’t do it.” We just never know what’s going on in somebody’s mind, as you discovered all so painfully. Again, thank you for sharing.
Suicide isn’t necessarily because the individual had a heartbreaking moment and decided to end it all. Rather sometimes just having to function is too much, sleep is the only thing that holds any appeal because we’re not IN our lives. We don’t have to think about the spouse we’re divorcing because there was no getting through, the children who disowned us because of the split, the playground bullying that goes on relentlessly at work, the unbearably, undeniable loneliness that has gotten to be too much. Since you can’t do nothing but sleep, since you have to keep going about the daily grind of life, the only way not to anymore is to stop existing. The instructions are left because we know life DOES GO ON and they are things that will need to be done when we leave.
Karin, you captured very well the kind of malaise that can settle on a person, day in and day out, draining them of energy and desire to live. Very often (if not always) this malaise is born of depression. Some have compared depression to walking through waist-high mud, every moment of every day. It is one thing to be incessantly tired, estranged from life, grieving various losses, and enduring the pain of harassment and loneliness. Those are all very painful states by themselves, but what makes them unbearable for many is the sense that they will never change, that there is no hope for anything better, that the now is forever. And that sense, which presents itself as truth, is usually the handiwork of depression.
If you are describing your own inner experience (and it sounds like you are), I hope that you will consider seeking help if you haven’t already. The Resources section on this website for people considering suicide contains excellent resources for hotlines and online support:
http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp
Also, this article might be helpful:
http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/2013/04/15/are-you-thinking-of-killing-yourself/
I wish you the best, Karin, and hope that you are able to find relief without having to die in its pursuit.
Stacey, that was presumptuous. Your post was not relevant.
Hello Ari, I’m sorry you feel that way. Reading over my comment, I can see how it would not be relevant if the writer I addressed does not have depression. I made clear that my comment applies to many people with depression, and I certainly don’t – and can’t, based on one comment – presume that the writer has depression. But her words are reminiscent of those I’ve heard many times over from people with depression – the hopelessness, the struggle, the conviction that things will never change. Even if my comment is not relevant for the writer, I hope it is relevant for others with depression who might come upon this page.
Thanks for sharing. I welcome positive and negative comments!
To everyone that thanked me or responded to my comment I am overwhelmed with emotion. It was difficult for me to “come out” and talk about my experience. To those who have lost someone to suicide I am deeply touched that you felt that my comments helped you in some way.
To those still struggling, like me, with suicidal thoughts, seek help. There’s help. And I will say that although in part of my mind I wanted some of those left behind to feel bad because I had taken my own life, because they had to have known what they had done to contribute to my pain, I knew ultimately, that this was my choice, something, maybe even the ONE THING that I had control over (in a sense, it was really my illness in control, I know this now). Otherwise, it would seem that others controlled me and not myself.
Guilt is a very seductive feeling to want to “leave” others with, isn’t it? We all know how long THAT can last!
I had a friend take his own life when we were 18-19 years old. It was his impulsive decision as a young man and it has haunted me my entire life. I too felt guilty that I hadn’t been able to stop him, talk to him, see signs, save him.
And then I realized,…I’m not that powerful.
Thank you all who have posted to this very important topic. Let’s keep talking about it. So you don’t feel alone. So I don’t feel alone.
((Hugs))
Stac,
I am so happy you were able to see others’ comments and how you have touched them. Speaking for those who were touched by you, including myself, I want to say thank you and we are glad you were here, on this Earth, alive, to share!
Thank you for this article. My brother took his life in front of me after turned on the bedroom light and said “I love you Les”,,,,, so many people/friends so angry at him for that as I am fighting my own demons of alcohol addiction. That was 2 years ago. 2 months ago my sis died as well. They say it was “unintentional suicide”, which I do believe. She saw the pain we went thru with my brother…….no note?
Leslie, the losses you describe are unfathomable. Each of the deaths alone must be devastating, let alone in combination with witnessing your brother’s death. I hope that you find healing amid these tragedies and your addiction.
Speaking of Suicide’s Resources page might be useful to you, in particular the section for survivors of suicide loss. There is a huge community of suicide loss survivors who can share their wisdom and support.
Also, if you find yourself thinking of suicide, the Resources page has a section for people in crisis. You did not mention if you have suicidal thoughts, and my hope is that you would be spared those given all that you already are dealing with. But it also is not uncommon for people to think of suicide after the suicide of a loved one. Know that there are many people who can help you through.
Best wishes for peace, healing, and the gift of being gentle with yourself.
we had a good bye in a way but didn’t fully realise it… my grandson and I were on an access visit to his mummy and all of a sudden this 3 year old stood up with teddy in his arms and just turned and walked towards the door no looking back no words no eye contact with anyone else…. I picked up on this poignant moment and chose to follow him with his beloved blanket in my arms signalling to the care people at the physciatric half way home and the friend who was supervising our visit that I was following young man…his mummy was sprawled on the floor in total emotional and physical pain after saying goodbye to her son….. little did we know that this was the last moment in this life with his mummy…….many months later he told me she had said goodbye son you are on your own now…… she died in a house fire 3 days later set by her own hand after a terrible struggle with Parkinsons and all that entails when one is only 34 she would have turned 40 last week forever 34…This birthday has been one of the hardest so far….<3
If so called loved ones feel guilty after one suicides, it’s usually for good reason. In my case, it is others that have driven me to making the very difficult choice of the finality of suicide. I haven’t been successful as yet, but the day will come. Peace will soon be mine.
Linda, I’m so sorry you are in pain and struggling with suicidal urges. It must be horrible to have been hurt so badly by someone (or some people) in your family that you want to kill yourself. At the same time, for the sake of suicide survivors who read this site, I must respectfully disagree with you that others can drive a person to suicide.
Suicide usually occurs in the context of mental illness, addiction, trauma, very severe distortions in thinking, or some mixture of the above. If it feels to you like somebody is driving you to suicide, then that is a sign that something inside of you needs healing, a symptom of deep pain that can be healed or lessened or disarmed without your having to die. Often people who have been hurt by others turn their anger inward, which ultimately punishes the abused rather than the abuser.
I want to point out, too, that a great many people die by suicide for reasons having nothing to do with anger toward family or other loved ones. In fact, research continues to accumulate showing that many people who are suicidal think that their death would relieve their loved ones of a burden…that burden being them, the suicidal person. In the midst of their distorted thinking, they think they are doing a loving, even generous, act for their loved ones.
It is true that people who lose a loved one to suicide often experience feelings of guilt. They question what they did and did not do. Could they have prevented the suicide? Did their argument with their loved one cause the suicide to happen? Very often, these feelings of free-floating guilt have their basis in fear, not facts. These feelings of guilt are an aspect of grief that can occur in any kind of death, suicide or not. (“I should have said I love you more.” “I should have insisted that she go to a doctor earlier.”)
Even in cases where suicide survivors feel guilt that they experience as truly legitimate – for example, if a parent failed to remove a firearm from the house despite knowing that their teenager was suicidal – there is always “hindsight bias.” That is, hindsight is 20/20. In the example of the parent, maybe the parent was terribly frightened of facing the reality that their child was so suicidal, or maybe the parent truly believed that their child was safe and was proven wrong in the most dreadful of ways.
I do not mean to say that nobody makes mistakes, or is cruel, or fails to prevent a suicide due to negligence or, in the case of professionals, malpractice. These things do happen. And I certainly do not mean to discount your pain, because you certainly are in great pain. But fundamentally no one thing and no one person causes suicide. It is complex and caused by a multitude of factors.
You are clearly hurting. I hope that you will reach out to others for help. Please check out some of the resources for suicidal individuals that I’ve listed at http://www.speakingofsuicide.com/resources/#immediatehelp. Good luck to you!
I feel no guilt in regards to my daughter’s suicide…. I am at peace with her choice and her death <3
Marion, thank you so much for sharing. There is so much out there about suicide survivors who wrestle with feelings of guilt that it is easy to forget that everybody’s experience is unique. I appreciate the reminder and I think it will be helpful to others, too. Thanks.
I am a suicide attempt survivor. I was so glad to find this site as there are MANY sites, blogs and groups for people left behind by a persons suicide, but not for people like me.
It’s interesting about the suicide notes because I left several for different people in my life. But I also planned my suicide for months and had these notes, along with my will and life insurance policy and all documents for my home ready and out in the open.
If I had committed suicide with no planning I may not have left one at all.
My insight to anyone reading is that like everything in life, each person is different. Men seem less likely to leave a note explaining their feelings, maybe feelings that were so overwhelming to them that they couldn’t talk about it much less write it down. Speaking for myself I felt like such a failure already that I felt that leaving a note was the least I could do.
Per usual I was thinking of others feelings and desperately trying not to think of my own. Writing the notes made me feel a little less guilty about what I was about to do. Not much, but a little.
I have still not come to terms with my attempt failure but am working on this everyday. It has only been 6 months. I am 52 years old and after years of contemplating suicide, I acted and to be honest, there wasn’t anything anyone could have done to sway me away from it. I was extremely depressed but acted like I was way more okay than I really was.
To anyone that has lost someone to suicide I can only relate it to losing someone so unexpectantly and maybe even out of the blue. I have felt that kind of pain and it is truly devastating. I will say that as much as I hated hurting the people in my life, all of whom had NO IDEA what I was planning, (because I really didn’t want to be stopped) my emotional pain and utter hopelessness became way more painful for me than my worries about them. It sounds maybe selfish, but for anyone who hasn’t felt what I have and others like me, I can only say to have mercy.
My brain felt scrambled and numb. It was horrible for me to feel like I had nothing to live for AT ALL and to feel this way EVERYDAY.
I am truly sorry for the pain that anyone who reads this feels that has lost someone to suicide. So very sorry.
I wish there was something that I could say to make it more tolerable.
Peace….
Stac, it is so generous of you to share your story with others, painful as it is. Your words may bring comfort to someone out there trying to make sense of their loved one’s suicide – trying desperately to understand what could drive someone to die by suicide. You captured that drive quite well, describing the extreme torment and pain that can make death, in the suicidal person’s mind, into peaceful relief.
I want to address one phrase you use – “attempt failure.” Although I understand that it feels like a failure to you because you did not “succeed” at doing what you set out to do, I hesitate to use the word “failure” in relation to survival. My hope for you is that in time, you will see your survival as a success – a success of the healthy part of you that, however it happened, prevented you from dying. I hope that your suffering has abated and that you have more hope for your future. I am sorry that you have suffered so. Suicide and the forces that drive it (depression, trauma, etc.) can be quite merciless at times.
Thank you again for sharing. I appreciate it, and I know that others whom you will never know will appreciate it, too.
Stac,
Thank you so much for sharing your story. It has helped me to understand more where my children’s father was at when he took his own life in July, 2012. There was no note, no previous attempts, no signs he would ever do this as it was against his beliefs as a Shaman. We were very close, talked daily about everything, yet he didn’t confide in me about the latest trouble that came his way the weekend prior to his death. That’s been hard to grasp. You’ve shed a lot of light into the mental state he was most likely in that I haven’t been able to understand, other than feeling like a failure, as he was a proud man.
I’m glad you’re here to tell your story and hope in time you look positively on that fact too. Maybe this is your calling – to educate others, tell your story, when you’re strong enough to and feel you can. I think you would be a great asset to helping others.
Again, thank you so much for sharing! I appreciate it more than you’ll ever know!
Cheri Coughlin
Wow….thanks for sharing that Stac. I lost my husband of 26 years to suicide, it will be 2 years this May. No note left. Thank you for your insight, it really helped. And keep fighting!!
Dear Stac, Thank you so much for your brave post. I lost my husband to suicide 10 months ago and I could see only too well the agony that he was in and the fact that it was only about the pain ending. I tried to take my own life a week after he left me and totally understand his and your actions. It is so tragic that so many people have to suffer in silence and then face the stigma and trauma afterwards. I miss my husband beyond anything imaginable and the pain will never go away but for me I do understand that for him the pain was too much. THank you again for sharing and hugs to you. x
Thank you for sharing your story.
My fiancee hung himself and I found him out in our shed. He was taking meds for depression and anxiety attacks. Obviously they weren’t helping.
He had so much anger inside of him…stemming from a lot of abuse when he was little.
I’ve tried to read…research… Everything I could about what he was thinking as he left no note.
I guess from from it all….I’ve learned that the pain was so unbearable… The anxiety… He just couldn’t ever get away from it. I saw him after he was cut down….I had never seen him so at peace. When he slept he was restless….and I know his soul wasn’t there anymore…. But he looked absolutely at peace. I can look back and think…how does it feel Ryan to finally have that peace that you’ve been searching for and wanting for so long?
I miss him so much….but if I would of stopped him…he would of eventually found a way…a time.
Once again… Thank you for sharing.
May you find peace and comfort knowing that you were left here with us so you can help people understand.
Hi,
I just guess you might have deep depression. People who have deep depression could not get out of it by themselves usually. Go to see some doctor and get some prescription. A lot of people who have deep depression could manage their depression with their daily prescribed medicine. They could live and work healthily and even happily. You can make it. First thing first, go to some professional help, and start to take medicine as doctor recommended. #2, practice truly believe you could grow out of it, rather than hang on the idea that you could not get rid of the pain and think you are hopeless. “hopeless” is not real, only if people believe it, it becomes real. So practice to hang on with your hope, hope of healthy living and even a happy living. When everything is wrong and when everything seems dark, still hang on with your hope, just like a good mom never give up her hope on her kid, and then her kid would never lose his/her last bit of strength because of that mom’s holy hope and faith. You get that? God bless you, brother!
My only child killed herself by hanging. 6 days before that she gave me a beautiful card, thanking me for everything she felt I’d done for her, and literally she wrote thank you Mom for being the calm in my chaos. I love you. Without you, I’m not sure where I’d be now. Does that sound like someone who is planning to take their own life? I communicated with her the day she took her life, didn’t have a clue. The card she gave me was the only communication she gave, nothing for her children, her husband, or her Dad. Only me, in a thank you card a week before. My husband said when I read it to him the day she gave it to me, that I looked at him and said I think she’s saying goodbye. However, I have no memory of saying that. My question is, was she saying goodbye to me? I miss her so badly it is like a physical pain, and I can’t breathe. I just don’t understand……